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19 [Park Chanyeol] Im afraid I wont make it in time

I havent seen Byun Baekhyun in three to four days.


For the past few days, Ive been practising in the company for the special programmes dance
performance. As there was a missing member, we had to work extra hard. Our schedules and practises
were very packed, such that I have no time at all to take a break, or meet up with Hayeon.
Even though I know Im trying to avoid her as well.
I needed time to decide how and in what tone I was supposed to bring up my questions to her.
After I finish the important programme recording, it would already be the day before Byun
Baekhyuns surgery.
I should probably go visit him.
I put on a cap and headed to the hospital. Thinking about how Id soon be pushing open the door to
see that person seeing quietly on his bed, I unknowingly hastened my footsteps.
But things are never predictable.
This time when I opened the door, I saw Byun Baekhyun curled up and shivering at the side of the
bed. His eyes were shut tight, face scarily pale, and his erratic breathing made him appear even
weaker.
I was shocked, and immediately rushed towards him.
What happened to you! I asked with urgency. It was then when I realised the sheer layer of sweat
on his forehead; his hand was clutching his abdomen.
Is it hurting again?
He looked up towards me with a tired gaze, his pale lips moves, muttering something that was
inaudible.
But I knew he was calling my name.
Im hereIm here, I did not know what to do apart from holding his hand tight. Amidst the panic,
I finally thought to press the emergency bell at the head of the bed.
He tried and struggled to support himself up, I did not know what was going on but I helped him up,
but he leaned over the bed and started to throw up.
He probably did not eat anything prior. All he threw up was blood.
Looking at the dark red puddle on the floor, I was at a loss.
But it was as if the pain only got more unbearable, he groaned softly as he leaned onto me.
Just as I was panicking over not knowing what to do, a nurse rushed over, she took his listless arm
and droningly pushed a needle in, injecting him with pain killers.
After some time, the drug took effect, and he slowly calmed down. It was probably because he was
too tired from the tortures; he fell asleep immediately after the pain ceased.
Hand still tightly gripped by mine.
I gently lay him down on the bed and placed a blanket over him, at the same time stroking his
unkempt hair. Then I returned to holding his hand, his slender fingers were uncomfortably cold.
Such a tiny person, how did he bear with all the pain.
I watched him, thinking of how in the past when I visited Id just leave after sitting around. He quietly
waited for me to come, and quietly saw me leave. Every time I saw him, hed be just that calm.
So, youve always bore the pain alone by yourself?
When the night arrives, you hide all by yourself in the cold ward, clutching your stomach and your
teeth gritted. And then finally fall asleep like that?
I let my thoughts run out of control, such that my heart felt like it was aching.
The past days, even though I often came to visit him, Ive never properly asked him what his illness
was. I just kept on thinking to myself It will get better.
It will get better. It will.
I sat beside him, looking at the light frown on his forehead.
Then I let my eyes wander, and I saw the apple placed on the table.
The apple that was named after me, was still carrying a smile, not at all aware of the current situation.
Ya. Didnt I ask you to accompany him well.
Why do you only know how to make your silly smiles.
He is in pain right now cant you see.
Ive never felt this helpless.
Why did I give him such an apple. He had to face this obnoxiously smiling thing while he was
suffering in pain, if it were me, Id probably get mad.
AhPark Chanyeol you dumbass.
I suddenly wanted to throw that apple away immediately, but I realised that that guy might get upset
to wake up and see it gone.
You promised me.
I muttered to the person lying on the bed.
...You have to quickly recover.
---
Byun Baekhyuns surgery was on the next day,at nine in the morning. I was at a pictorial shooting
then.
Chanyeol, look here!
The photographer shouted at me.
Smile a little!
I cant fucking smile, goddamnit.
My brain was filled with the image from yesterday of that person curled up in pain.
Hell recover after this surgery right? Even though I tried to think that way to reassure myself, I still
felt a sense of apprehension.
After the schedule ended, our other assistants brought us to the hospital. Then, the surgery has already
ended for an hour.
Outside the surgery theatre, I saw Tae Shin Hyung sitting on the chairs, waiting.
Chanyeol-ah, why did you come? Tae Shin Hyung looked like he didnt expect me to be here, Im
fine here by myself.
My schedule already ended, so, so Im here, I was panting slightly, since I ran up the stairs,
Howdid the surgery go?
I dont know, Tae Shin Hyung patted me, dont worry.
He tried to calm me down, but I could see that he was worried too.
I sat down beside him, unknowingly, my fingers curled up to form a fist.
After some time, the doors of the surgery theatre opened, a nurse rushed out.
Has it ended?
I dashed up to the lady and grabbed her, How was the surgery? Is he okay?
The nurse did look rather urgent and impatient, The patient is suffering from heavy blood loss right
now, the situation is a bitYou should be mentally prepared.
WhatWhat? I was in disbelief, Say that again, what?
What do you mean? Prepare myself mentally.
Prepare for what
Im obviously unprepared
The fear in my heart suddenly expanded infinite times, as if I was about to suffocate, even my
breathing felt conscious and difficult.
- Tae Shin Hyung was shocked as well.
The nurse no longer stayed to entertain us; she had already rushed off somewhere.
I felt like the last bit of hope had slipped through my fingers, in distress, I turned to Tae Shin Hyung.
Hyung, will he die.
Chanyeol, calm down
Byun Baekhyun hewill he die? Huh?
Tae Shin Hyung too, showed an anxious expression.
Actually IIve never told you guys about this, but theres a tumour in his stomachEven
though it could completely removed by surgery, the doctor told me that the tumour was grown at a
dangerous spot, such that it might cause massive bleeding during surgeryand Ive never told
Baekhyun about thisIve always seen the boy to be rather negative about his illness, I didnt want
him to be burdened by the heavy weight of this.
I froze, not knowing how to react. Tae Shin Hyung and the nurses words reiterated themselves in my
head, their voices were all over the place, as if trying to drive me over the edge.
So what youre saying is.that person, he will die?
This was something Ive never thought about. At our young age, weve barely had any experiences of
life and death, or partings and goodbyes. Ive always thought of it as something a part of a television
drama. But in real life, even if someone were to fall sick, theyd definitely recover, and miracles
always happened.
So Ive never thought about someone leaving me, falling into eternal slumber.
Ive never thought, that the person right now in the operating theatre would never open his eyes
before I got the chance to treat him well.
And I. What about myself. I could only stand here uselessly like a fool just with a door between us.
But I cant do anything to help, I cant do anything.
I even wish I could pretend like its a drama, so that I can push my sleeves up and tell the medical
staff to Please use my blood to save him.
I could only stand on the spot, unable to do anything to relief the situation.
Fear was like vine, winding itself tightly around me. My brain was blank as well, but it also felt as if it
was flashing all the scenes from the past.
Of him crying alone. Him smiling quietly. Him when he frowned in pain upon my slaps. Him when
his skin was pale from his illness. Him when he was lonely and had no company. Him when he called
my name repeatedly. Him when he told me softly, I like you very much.
It was only then when I realised, some things, if I dont do them instantly, I might never get a chance
to.
---
I wasnt sure how long passed after that. In between there were nurses occasionally entering and
exiting. In the end, a man who resembled a doctor the most exited the surgery theatre. He looked
rather exhausted. This time, I felt as if I was pinned to the ground, unable to move, afraid that Id hear
any unwanted news.
Tae Shin Hyung rushed to the doctor.
Doctor, how is that child?
I licked my dry lips, gazing intently at the doctor.
His current situation is pretty good. However, there has been a massive blood loss, to ensure the
patients safety, the tumour could not be removed successfully.
Huh! What? Tae Shin Hyungs eyes widened.
You dont have to worry, there wont be any implications with the patient as of now. He should take
note of his meals and come for regular check ups. When the time is right well arrange for a second
surgery.
SSo he isnt in any danger right now? I heard myself speak.
Nope, you may go visit him soon.
So he wont die? I continued to ask with much impatience, like I just awoke from a bad nightmare.
The doctor was stunned by my questions, .no, the patient is in a good condition right now.
---
They say, that youre in a good condition.
But why are you not waking up.
I sat by his bed, gently caressing his fingers.
Is it because youve lost too much blood? Why isnt there any hint of colour in your pale skin, as if
youre about to vanish in front of me.
I got scared for real just now, you jerk.
Quickly wake up, you know Im impatient. I hate the feeling of waiting.
But how long have you waited. Waited for the bastard to turn back and slowly realise your good, and
your scars and your wounds.
Stilly, I sat there, looking at him blankly, but then I saw his eyelids flutter.
And then they opened slowly.
Like the petals of a blooming flower. Silently yet beautifully.
My hands tightened their grip around his.
Thanks the heavens. I prayed in my heart. The moment I saw him wake, I suddenly felt as if I had so
much to tell him, but somehow my throat was locked.
Byun Baekhyun looked straight forward with confusion for a moment, then when he felt a warm
temperature on his hands, he tilted his head slightly to look at me.
Chanyeol His voice was hoarse. I could feel my heart ache.
You finally woke up you twerp.
The corners of his lips moved a little, it seemed like he was trying to smile. But he was so weak then
that even his breathing sounded tedious.
You are so fucking weak, I chided him, how did you end up like this.
But Im perfectly fine right now, arent I. His voice was soft, and he didnt budge his hands,
but it was probably due to his lack of energy.
Are you kidding with me.
In between the moment, I felt as if there wasnt any form of ill feeling between us, or a conflict ridden
past. It felt as if weve held hands while watching each other for years.
AppleWheres Apple-Chan. He suddenly asked me.
I paused for a moment and reached to grab a apple from the bag on the table behind me. Then I passed
it to him.
He took the apple over. His pale slender fingers looked particularly pale in contrast.
He stared at the apple for a moment.
Thisthis isntThis isnt Apple-Chan.
I didnt speak. He looked like as if he was afraid that I did not believe him, he showed me the side of
the apple with the drawing.
It doesnt smile
I did not know how to reply at that instant.
The smiley Apple-Chan seemed to have been thrown away by the nurse while she was cleaning the
ward.
But I did hate that smug grin. Like an annoying jerk that kept on smiling at other peoples plight.
But I thought of the other jerk that might get upset when he woke up to see Apple-Chan gone, I drew
another one, but this time it wasnt smiling. Instead, I only drew the two eyes. It looked particularly
pitiful.
It cant smile. Its sad when it sees you like this, I tried to explain.
He looked disappointed, and looked down on the new Apple-Chan for a long time. Then he turned his
head to look at me, then handed it over.
Help me, draw another smileplease There were weak breaths in between his words,
he looked tired.
I did not take the apple. Instead I wrapped my hands around his cold ones, we held the apple together.
I didnt bring a pen.
And I wasnt lying. This smile-less apple was drawn using a borrowed pen from a nurse.
He pressed his lips into a thin line, not knowing what to do.
Then Chanyeolcancan you He asked me carefully and hesitantly, can you smile at me
His watched me expectantly.
But do you think I can smile in this situation, stupid.
I pursed my lips, but I still couldnt figure out how I was supposed to smile looking at his current state.
My heart felt painful, as it was being gripped tight.
Looking at my unpleasant expression, he thought as if he had asked for too much.
Iwas kiddinghaha. He gently pulled his arms back, placing the apple near his heart.
Just the conversation seemed to have tired him out, his eyelashes fluttered, looking rather sleepy.
Rest well. Ill come see you again tomorrow, I decided to leave.
You dont have to come, He looked at me with a serious expression, you must be quite
busy recently
I didnt speak as I watched him.
Dont worryI have him beside me, He tried to smile, waving the apple in his hand weakly.
His smile was pale and weak, but his eyes were gentle.
I felt my heart lose a beat.
How much I wanted to tell him.
At that moment, I really wanted to kiss him.
---
Original Writer:
Translations by: chanbaek-xoxo.tumblr.com
Do not repost.

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