Adam Haver COMM 2110-048: Interpersonal Communication Dr. Carol n Clar!

04"24"2014

#$e %it&alls and Advanta'es o& (ilence) (toppin' and (lo*in' Do*n in Interpersonal Communication

Overvie* The purpose of this report is to analyze and extrapolate a specific communication behavior from my life over a period of time and display experiences, failures, progress made, and discuss the results of a concerted effort of change. Specifically, we'll address the unwanted communication pattern of constant noise, exuberant and uncontrolled thinking, and the sense of burnout associated with the unbridled need to talk in social settings. !t is my opinion that these habits effectively cripple listening skills, other"oriented thinking, empathy, and in general hurt or harm relationships. Strategies that were implemented to counter this negative behavior included the concept o silence, stopping, slowing down and decreasing the amount of noise and distractions, whether they be worries, constant head chatter, or a focus on doing or taking action instead of interaction with others. This includes shutting of internal noises, external noises #$eebe. p.%&'(, focusing on the moment, en)oying the company of others, listening more intently, and most importantly making room in your lifestyle for casual and relationship"building communication with others. *onstrains, or what ! like to call pitfalls, will be discussed. They will include a picture of how easily bad habits return, obstacles that were unexpected, and will not the realization in greater detail of how difficult it is to make a constant and meaningful change as such a deep level.

+owever, solutions and good practices will also be discussed. !mplementation of the stated goal will be showcased along with success stories as well as internal observations that explain in more depth the new thought process that had to be developed. ,inally the results of this experiment will be analyzed as ob)ectively as possible, examining both the pros and cons of this real"life experience. -ecommendations for future plans regarding these strategies will also be discussed as developing this skill is a difficult process that seemingly takes a prolonged period of time and a great deal of effort for sometimes minor results.

+n*anted Communication %attern +ave you ever tried to hold a phone conversation in a crowded city where the sounds of traffic, honking and loud engines, along with the commotion of dozen of nearby people chatting, shouting and making all sorts of noises drowns out the personal conversation your trying to have. +ave you ever been in such a hurry, rushing from one place to the next, or one task to another, that you blatantly missed something, or someone, important that you wished you had noticed. /r have you ever been so full of worries and distracted thoughts that you can barely concentrate on interpersonal communication in the workplace, at home or out in public. This is the essence of the communication pattern that we'll address in this report. 0t the core of this behavior is internal and external noise, and oftentimes both come into play to create a scenario of very poor listening and communication that can harm our relationships. !n the workplace, for example, if you aren't focused on what you boss is saying and easily forget crucial details, your boss may be displeased and unhappy with your performance. !f you barely have time to listen to your spouse because you are so caught up thinking about tasks, and you rush important conversations, then it is that much harder to retain a close relationship with them. 1art of the problem is that you are focused on yourself, your tasks, and your own world, that you create a barrier hat works as a type of internal noise which muffles and even silences important

relational cues for 2uality time with another individual. Though you aren't intentionally being uncaring, you are creating a crime of omission by not participating actively in the relationships and key conversations in your day to day life. Some individuals unconsciously turn off your other"oriented #$eebe. p.&3( thinking because of their communication style, they may be very task oriented. /thers may simply have taken on too much trying to please others or because of bad time management. !n the end, the solution are varied and whether they can be applied to every individual or are uni2ue to myself as the sub)ect of this activity, it is unknown.

(trate'ies There was an attempt to keep the practices solutions simple though there was never one practice that enabled me to overcome every hurdle and ! found in the later half of the pro)ect, after looking back at the )ournal, the more effective strategies were formed. !t was a process of trial and error. The principle strategy formulated was to identify fallacies or misconceptions that ! experienced, whether towards a specific group, like children, immediate family, relatives, co"workers, friends and strangers4or towards a specific individual based on past experiences. The second strategy worth noting is ask specific 2uestions about situations that focus in on the problem or behavior we've listed. 5uestions include, 6hy noises am ! experiencing. 0re they internal noises or external. 7oes silencing my thoughts and listening help this situation. 7oes focusing on the other person and letting go of self"oriented thoughts help. 7oes slowing my level of activity help me have better interpersonal communication. 7oes stopping #$eebe, p.%8%( help me in any way.

Constraints The principle obstacle encountered was simply remembering to implement strategies. !t was easy, after the fact, to write down in the )ournal how well ! did and mention what ! could have done

better. 0nother obstacle included desires contrary to the practices ! wanted to implement. ,or example, the strategy of slowing down when !'m in social situations was difficult when ! wanted to do something else or be somewhere else. 9y desires were not in line with my mind. There was a definite conflict going on against my habitual nature.

Implementation ! needed a solution that stopped me from forgetting to slow down or be silent during conversations. ! constantly wanted to talk and didn't pay attention to the new behaviors ! wanted to implement until after the fact, so ! came up with a mantra of sorts mid"way through the pro)ect. This mantra, as simple as it was, helped me become more aware of the strategies ! wanted to employ. !t acted as a constant small and subtle reminder basically. ! wrote down the phrase, still, silent, slow, stop or :s if you would. !t was displayed on the top of my daily planning so that ! was see it every time ! looked at my schedule. 0s ! moved forward there ! identified a specific problem area by using the methods listed above. ! noticed there was a group of people ! had a hard time dealing with; strangers, or people ! didn't know very well. !t wasn't that ! wasn't getting along with them, or despised them, but ! felt agitated every time there was some social interaction between myself and someone out in public. Sometimes it was at the grocery store, other times it was at a social gathering like a child's birthday party ! brought my kids to. !dentifying the problem was the easy part however. ! now needed to implement my strategies this situation. !'d have to say most of the time ! had to force myself to stop and listen. ! remember at *ostco everyone seems to be enamored by my kids and wants to talk to me about them. ! finally gave in and !'d have to say not a single conversation was unpleasant. +owever, ! often found myself )ust wanted to finish the shopping and cut the conversation short. ! had to force myself to pay attention.

! realized that ! don't hate people, but have a tendency to run non"stop and not slow down for anyone and anything. This was a pleasant realization because for a time ! thought there was something wrong with how ! felt towards people, and though the feelings still return, ! realize that my unpleasant feelings aren't directed at anyone in particular but are more a feeling of anxiousness to get something done, to be somewhere, go somewhere, or )ust because of seemingly slow speech rates and my fast thought rate #$eebe, pg.%&'( and ! let pleasing casual and sometimes important interpersonal interactions pass me by. ! wanted to get to the point where these feelings didn't exist, where ! looked forward to fre2uent interactions wherever ! go, but these few months have proved otherwise. Sometimes the feelings are stronger than ever because ! am more aware of them. +owever, ! feel that this same awareness is a stepping stone towards a more solid change !'d like to make.

,esults /verall the experience was positive, as ! found myself en)oying a good portion of the conversations ! had with strangers instead of avoiding them. +owever, en)oying to a point only. ! found that ! was much more aware of my nature to create internal noise, to constantly be a busy body, and forcing myself to hold these conversations was like fighting off a pestering creature that constantly wanted my attention. !t was so much easier to give in and )ust go back to business as usual, which ! oftentimes did. -egardless, ! am satisfied with the results, since this is a change that had needed to be made for a long time. ! have long been aware that ! need to slow down, listen and sometimes )ust en)oy some pleasantries. +owever, there were times that ! was in a hurry and ! found myself stuck in conversations that ! really didn't have the time to be in. ! wasn't simply being self absorbed as the text has suggested #$eebe, p.%&<(. 6ith some people, it is extremely difficult to end a conversation, particularly a family

member of mine and also a co"worker that ! see constantly. !t seems like they don't want to relin2uish control of the situation and !'ve learned this infuriates me= !t's like the saying, once you give them an inch, they'll take a mile. 6ell, before ! gave them no 2uarter, and now !'ve created a mess that ! don't know how to handle because they expect conversations to be long and do not allow me to say goodbye. ! literally had them following m around as ! went about my business. ! whole new challenge has arisen.

,ecommendations ! will definitely continue this course of becoming aware of bad habits or negative behaviors. !n act, !'d say the concept is so ingrained in me at this point, despite my lack of ability to perform well, that ! can't help but be aware most of the time when ! am falling short. +owever, ! would really like to take this exercise to the next level. 1rimarily ! focused on interpersonal communication with strangers or people ! wasn't very close with. 0s !'ve gotten older !'ve found that many of my close friends have faded away, because of distance, differences or )ust busy schedules. ! would like to find a few new, close friends that ! can see regularly. ! would like to apply what the textbook suggests when it comes to making friends #$eebe, p.8%>(. ! think ! can benefit greatly from such friendships and ! look forward to the outcome of future attempts.

-or!s Cited
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