Fending Off Punches from the Pulpit

1. Im saying this in love.****Then why the Count Dracula grin? Im saying this in love too: No comprendo !""D#$% &. The greater the sacri'ice the greater the (lessing.****Then why dont preachers sacri'ice money to each other and get a monstrously (ig (lessing i' they )%*++$ (elieved this? ,. !od cant a''ord to (less you i' you dont tithe -or other condition set on .im (y the all/wise preacher0.****Thats news to me that !od1 who owns the entire universe1 is too poor to a''ord anything .e wants to do 2. !od has no hands (ut yours and unless you do it yoursel' his hands are tied.***$ou learn something new every day. !od couldnt have made the 3il4y 5ay unless we rolled up our sleeves and (anged it together ourselves. $eah1 right. 6. Theres no such thing as miracles anymore (ecause !od is trying to teach you something through your pain.****5hat1 how to scream and run up doctor (ills? 7. 5e 'eel led to call a ,/wee4 Daniel 8ast1 even i' ne9t wee4 is Thans4giving. That means no cran(erry sauce1 no pump4in pie1 no tur4ey1 no candied yams. :ust dry soup mi9 and water.****;rotestants are always cutting the Catholics down 'or giving up ice cream 'or +ent. #ut ;rotestants do their own su''ering to earn !ods approval. Daniel didnt <ust cut out dessert. .e went , wee4s without his deodorant too1 (ut I dont

thin4 the preacher would (ela(or that point i' he wanted to attract more visitors. =. !od helps those that help themselves.* * * ** cryptic way o' telling you not to >re?uest prayer@ 'rom the church (enevolence committee i' you got laid o'' and cant pay the rent. A. Im tal4ing to mysel'1 here.* * * * The preacher lowers your de'enses (y telling you hes also guilty o' the sins he plans to preach on1 and hes <ust one o' the guys. #ut you <ust try telling him the same thing yoursel' and see how he reacts. B. 5e arent trying to force any(ody to tithe -or other disagreea(le thing01 thats (etween you and the +ord.*****nd i' the +ord has di''erent ideas1 the preacher will ma4e you 'eel guilty 'or not doing it anyway and claim its the +ord pric4ing at your conscience. 1C. $ou dont want to (e on the outside loo4ing in.****"utside loo4ing in 5.%)%? * mon4ey cage? 11. :esus had twelve disciples1 (ut only three were in his inner circle.****Ill pay ten trillion (uc4s to any(ody who can ;)"D% that phrase >inner circle@ is in the E:D1 unless they penciled it in themselves 1&. That door swings (oth ways.****Fo does the doors in an old/ 'ashioned saloon #etter to wal4 out them swinging doors than stay in and soa4 up the atmosphere. 1,. *nanias and Fapphira would give their right eye(all to get out o' hell and have a second chance to pay that tithe money they re'used to pay ;eter.****Ill pay a .GND)%D trillion (uc4s to any(ody who can prove that the *postle ;eter ever as4ed *nanias to pay ten per cent o' his salary to the church. 12. 5e <ust dou(led our salary (ecause the #i(le teaches you owe us dou(le honor.****8ine1 Ill go on "5IN! you. .eres my I"G 'or all my worldly wealth: the pennies in my old <elly <ar. !uess ;aul was only 4idding when he said1 "5% N" 3*N *N$T.IN! (ut love -)om.1,:A0. Now unless you thin4 li4e a prostitute and say love is money1 youre dead wrong1 (uster. 16. I' you )%*++$ loved :esus youd -'ill in the (lan40.****!o 'ly a 4ite? Dance on the head o' a pin? 5ell1 i' $"G loved :esus1 youd shut that pie hole in your 'ace 17. Im going to pray 'or !od to chasten you i' you do something -or (elieve something0 we disapprove o'.****Fo now the preachers ma4ing !od his hatchet man to do his dirty wor4 'or him? Doesnt !od have (igger 'ish to 'ry than :ohn H. ;ewwarmer who drin4s a lite (eer and dances to country roc4? 1=. +ord1 whatever it ta4es to ma4e us more li4e :esus1 even i'I-'ill in the (lan40.****The preacher who prays T.IF classical prayer is

usually 'inancially secure1 healthy1 and very popular with every(ody1 and has N%D%) e9perienced the trials and tri(s o' )%*+ +I8%. I' !od too4 his preacher per4s away 'rom him1 his am(itions to (e >more li4e :esus@ would 'ly out the window. 1A. *nd help us to 'orgive others no matter what they do to us1 even i' they arent sorry. *men.****I' the preacher digs in deep with this doctrine to ma4e you uncom'orta(le1 you could test him on his own doctrine o' GNC"NDITI"N*+ 8")!ID%N%FF (y: 1. Tell him youve discovered that tithing is N"T 'or today -true0. &. Tell him his colors clash or his suit loo4s li4e its ready 'or the Falvation *rmy (arrel. ,. I' hes (ig around the middle (ut is always carping a(out others needing to deny the 'lesh1 tell him he loo4s li4e he 'lun4ed Daniel 8asting 1C1 and needs to ta4e a re'resher course without the re'reshments. 2. *t F.*)IN! TI3% stand up and share a #i(le revelation which contradicts some D*IN T)*DITI"N "8 3%N hes (een oppressing the congregation with. 6. F4ip three or 'our services in a row. 5hen he as4s you why you did this1 say there was a (etter show on TD.