Douglas Adams - The Long Dark Tea-Time Of the Soul Chapter 25 Cigarettes clearly intended to make themselves a ma or pro!

lem for Dirk tonight" #or most of the day$ e%cept for &hen he'd &oken up$ and e%cept for again shortly after he'd &oken up$ and e%cept for &hen he had ust encountered the revolving head of (eoffrey Anstey$ &hich &as understanda!le$ and also e%cept for &hen he'd !een in the pu! &ith )ate$ he had had a!solutely no cigarettes at all" *ot one" They &ere out of his life$ fores&orn utterly" +e didn't need them" +e could do &ithout them" They merely nagged at him like mad and made his life a living hell$ !ut he decided he could handle that" *o&$ ho&ever$ ust &hen he had suddenly decided$ coolly$ rationally$ as a clear$ straightfor&ard decision rather than merely a fee!le surrender to craving$ that he &ould$ after all$ have a cigarette$ could he find one, +e could not" The pu!s !y this stage of the night &ere &ell closed" The late night corner shop o!viously meant something different !y -late night- than Dirk did$ and though Dirk &as certain that he could convince the proprietor of the rightness of his case through sheer linguistic and syllogistic !ravado$ the &retched man &asn't there to undergo it" A mile a&ay there &as a 2.-hour filling station$ !ut it turned out ust to have sustained an armed ro!!ery" The plate glass &as shattered and cra/ed round a tiny hole$ police &ere s&arming over the place" The attendant &as apparently not !adly in ured$ !ut he &as still losing !lood from a &ound in his arm$ having hysterics and !eing treated for shock$ and no one &ould sell Dirk any cigarettes" They simply &eren't in the mood" -0ou could !uy cigarettes in the !lit/$- protested Dirk" -1eople took a pride in it" 2ven &ith the !om!s falling and the &hole city a!la/e you could still get served" Some poor fello&$ ust lost t&o daughters and a leg$ &ould still say 31lain or filter tipped,' if you asked him"-4 e%pect you &ould$ too$- muttered a &hite-faced young policeman" -4t &as the spirit of the age$- said Dirk" -5ug off$- said the policeman" And that$ thought Dirk to himself$ &as the spirit of this" +e retreated$ miffed$ and decided to pro&l the streets &ith his hands in his pockets for a &hile" Camden 1assage" Anti6ue clocks" Anti6ue clothes" *o cigarettes" 7pper Street" Anti6ue !uildings !eing ripped apart" *o sign of cigarette shops !eing put up in their place" Chapel 8arket$ desolate at night" 9et litter &ildly flapping" Card!oard !o%es$ egg !o%es$ paper !ags and cigarette packets - empty ones" 1entonville :oad" (rim concrete monoliths$ eyeing the ne& spaces in 7pper Street &here they hoped to spa&n their horrid progeny" )ing's Cross station" They must have cigarettes$ for heaven's sake" Dirk hurried on do&n to&ards it" ;-

The Thorn 5irds !y COLL22* 8CC7LLO7(+ And insects< (rasshoppers$ locusts$ crickets$ !ees$ flies of all si/es and sorts$ cicadas$ gnats$ dragonflies$ giant moths and so many !utterflies< The spiders &ere dreadful$ huge hairy things &ith a leg span of inches$ or deceptively small and deadly !lack-things lurking in the lavatory= some lived in vast &heeling &e!s slung !et&een trees$ some rocked inside dense gossamer cradles hooked among grass !lades$ others dived into little holes in the ground complete &ith lids &hich t after them" 1redators &ere there$ too> &ild pigs frightened of nothing$ savage and flesh-eating$ !lack hairy things the si/e of fully gro&n co&s= dingoes$ the &ild native dogs &hich slunk close to the ground and !lended into the grass= cro&s in hundreds carking desolately from the !lasted &hite skeletons of dead

trees= ha&ks and eagles$ hovering motionless on the air currents" #rom some of these the sheep and cattle had to !e protected$ especially &hen they dropped their young" The kangaroos and ra!!its ate the precious grass= the pigs and dingoes ate lam!s$ calves and sick animals= the cro&s pecked out eyes" The Clearys had to learn to shoot$ then carried rifles as they rode$ sometimes to put a suffering !east out of its misery$ sometimes to fell a !oar or a dingo" This$ thought the !oys e%ultantly$ &as life" *ot one of them yearned for *e& ?ealand= &hen the flies clustered like syrup in the corners of their eyes$ up their noses$ in their mouths and ears$ they learned the Australian trick and hung corks !o!!ing from the ends of strings all around the !rims of their hats" To prevent cra&lies from getting up inside the legs of @heir !aggy trousers they tied strips of kangaroo hide called !o&yangs !elo& their knees$ giggling at the silly-sounding name$ !ut a&ed !y the necessity" *e& ?ealand &as tame compared to this= this &as life" Tied to the house and its immediate environs$ the &omen found life much less to their liking$ for they had not the leisure or the e%cuse to ride$ nor did they have the stimulation of varying activities" 4t &as ust harder to do &hat &omen al&ays did> cook$ clean$ &ash$ iron$ care for !a!ies" They !attled the heat$ the dust$ the flies$ the many steps$ the muddy &ater$ the nearly perennial a!sence of men to carry and chop &ood$ pump &ater$ kill fo&ls" The heat especially &as hard to !ear$ and it &as as yet only early spring= even so$ the thermometer out on the shady veranda reached a hundred degrees every day" 4nside the kitchen &ith the range going$ it &as a hundred and t&enty degrees" Their many layers of clothing &ere close-fitting and designed for *e& ?ealand$ &here inside the house it &as almost al&ays cool" 8ary Carson$ e%ercising gently !y &alking do&n to see her sister-inla&$ looked at #ee's high-necked$ floor-length calico go&n superciliously" She herself &as clad in the ne& fashion$ a cream silk dress coming only half&ay do&n her calves$ &ith loose el!o& sleeves$ no &aist and a lo& dABcolletage" -:eally$ #iona$ you're hopelessly old-fashioned$- she said$ glancing round the parlor &ith its fresh coat of cream paint$ the 1ersian carpets and the spindly priceless furniture" -4 have no time to !e anything else$- #ee said$ curtly for her &hen acting as hostess" -0ou'll have more time no&$ &ith the men a&ay so much and fe&er meals to get" :aise your hems and stop &earing petticoats and stays$ or you'll die &hen summer comes" 4t can get fifteen to t&enty degrees hotter than this$ you kno&"- +er eyes d&elled on the portrait of the !eautiful !lond &oman in her 2mpress 2ugenie crinoline" -9ho's that,- she asked$ pointing" -8y grandmother"-Oh$ really, And the furniture$ the carpets,- -8ine$ from my grandmother"-Oh$ really, 8y dear #iona$ you've come do&n in the &orld$ haven't you,- #ee never lost her temper$ so she didn't no&$ !ut her thin lips got thinner" -4 don't think so$ 8ary" 4 have a good man= you ought to kno& that"- -5ut penniless" 9hat &as your maiden name,-Armstrong"-Oh$ really, *ot the :oderick Armstrong Armstrongs,- -+e's my oldest !rother" +is namesake &as my great-grandfather"- 8ary Carson rose$ flapping her picture hat at the flies$ &hich &ere not respecters of person" -9ell$ you're !etter !orn than the Clearys are$ even if 4 do say so myself" Did you love 1addy enough to give all that up,- -8y reasons for &hat 4 do$- said #ee levelly$ -are my !usiness$ 8ary$ not yours" 4 do not discuss my hus!and$ even &ith his sister"- The lines on either side of 8ary Carson's nose got deeper$ her eyes !ulged slightly" -+oity-toity<-