How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate

Once upon a time, In high school, I memorized a poem that has been a constant source of help and direction in my life and relationships. Its simple and much more sentimental than todays cynical age can handle, but the very simplicity of it made it a grea t navigational tool for me in relationships. He drew a circle that shut me out; Heretic, Rebel, a thing to flout. But Love and I had the Wit to Win. We drew a circle that took him in Edwin Markham So many couples I see in my office are in trouble because they have a knee-jerk oppositional response to each othertheyre defensive and critical, rather than welcoming and understanding. They dont seem to realize that listening and understanding your partner doesnt necessarily mean you agree with everything that partner wants or thinks. Being pleasant doesnt mean youre a patsy, and its more effective to be loving than to be right.

Guidelines for Being Irresistible to Your Mate

1. Dont resist, listen. We often have a knee-jerk negative response to what a mate tells us, or wants to do. Instead of replying negatively That wont work... We cant do that... Try listening and thinking for a few seconds more. You may find out your initial response changes, and at any rate, listening and understanding is not the same as agreeing. 2. Look your mate in the eyes and smile. Unless your partner is talking about something really sad (job loss, death, etc.) where a smile would be inappropriate, look him or her in the eyes and smile while youre listening. Your companion will automatically feel more understood and cared about, which will change the feeling level of the discussion. 3. Touch each other. Sit near your significant other, and gently place your hand on his or her shoulder, leg, or

arm. If youre in the car, lightly touch his or her shoulder or arm. Youll find your conversation becomes warmer and more caring. 4. Try laughter. If something frustrating is happening, try easing the tension with a bit of humor. After a difficult interaction in a store, on the way out, you could say That went well. with a touch of irony. Or, when someone drops something and makes a mess, you could say the gremlins are here again. Or use comedienne Gilda Radners line Its always something Or Judy Tenutas It could happen to change stress to silliness. Dont poke fun at your mate, but use shared humor as a way to say I know this is tough, but well get through it. Your mate will think of you as someone soothing and helpful to have around when problems happen. 5. Use pleasant surprises. Try a love note in your spouses briefcase, a post-it with a smiley face on the underside of the toilet seat, a flower, plant, card or balloon for no reason, or an unexpected gentle pat on the rear, a hug or a kiss to say Im thinking good thoughts about you, and I love you. 6. Ramp up the sweetness. Married life has its unavoidable stresses and strains. To keep things in balance, we need to put a bit of energy into increasing the sweetness between us. Thoughtfulness, thank yous and gestures of politeness and affection are the WD-40 of your marriage. Keep things running smoothly by remembering to add a spritz of sweetness frequently. 7. Devote time to your marriage. No matter how crazed you are with work, kids and bills, its essential to put aside regular time each week for the marriage. Have a date night which includes a state of the union discussion (include the positive things going on) or take a pleasant walk or drive. Keeping connected means things dont build up to fighting status, and youll remember how good you are together. Dont forget to celebrate and appreciate each other. Motivation comes from celebration and appreciation. 8. Focus on Partnership. Remember that first and foremost, before anything else, youre partners. Keep that in mind and check frequently to make sure youre acting like partners, and not competitors or avoiders. Youre in this thing together, and partnership is what its all about.

9. Reminisce about Good Times. Remember when.... is a great start to a loving conversation. It creates so much good feeling to remember how you were when you were dating, when you got married, when you first bought your house, when you had your first child, when you got that promotion. Reminding yourselves of your solid history together is a way to increase your bond. 10. Brag to friends in your mates hearing. Of course, tell your mate to his or her face how much you care, but also be sure to tell your friends, while your mate is around, what a great guy or gal you married. Harold is so thoughtful. Today he helped me around the hou se. Or Sue is such a great mom. She really gives the kids a sense that theyre loved and she still keeps them toeing the mark. Or, Did you hear? Fred got a big promotion. Im so proud of him. Or, I dont know what Id do without Judy. Shes so great with money. Or Doesnt my sweetie look great today? Im so lucky. Dont worry if your partner looks embarrassed. He or she will also be pleased, and remember your brag for a long time. (adapted from Money, Sex and Kids: Tina B.Tessina, 2006)

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the Dr. Romance blog, and the Happiness Tips from Tina email newsletter. Dr. Tessina, is CRO (Chief Romance Officer) for LoveForever.com, a website designed to strengthen relationships and guide couples through the various stages of their relationship with personalized tips, courses, and online couples counseling. Online, shes known as Dr. Romance Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, and such TV shows as Oprah, Larry King Live and ABC News.