The college essay is the living breathing part of your application

College Essay Guide Class of 2015

You never get a second chance to make a first impression. This is the most important essay you will write in your entire high school career. The admission committee will take your essay seriously. You should, too; any mistakes whether major or minor could cause denial of admission. Some admissions counselors make initial judgments about an application's strength and grade the personal statement before any other part of the application. If your essay is longer than three pages, then it had better be interesting! A college essay should be worthy of reading. It may be only 500 words, but the admissions essay(s) portion of a college application can mean the difference between acceptance and rejection. It may mean receiving a scholarship package or a tuition bill in the mail. Admissions folks will be looking not just for good writing skills, but also evidence that the writer has the intellectual curiosity, open-mindedness and the strength of character necessary to be a contributing and successful member of the campus community. Even seemingly boring topics can be made into exceptional college admissions essays with an innovative approach. Authors Purpose: You must bear in mind your two goals: to persuade admissions officers that you are

extremely worthy of admission and to make them aware that you are more than a GPA and a standardized test score--that you are a real-life, intriguing personality.

SPRING BREAK ASSIGNMENT: Choose 3 of the 5 topics and compose a 2 page response to the prompt. This is the first drafts of your college essay and will serve to help you choose the most effective response. Due: Wednesday, April 23rd.

Step 1- Free write: who are you?

Step back and be reflective. Think about who you are as an individual. Heres your opportunity to show something about you that doesnt really come across elsewhere in your application. How do you view the world? What do you care about deeply? What experiences and people have been important in shaping you as a person? What are your aspirations in life?

There are now over 500 Common Application members in 47 states and the District of Columbia, as well as in Austria, France, Germany, Italy, United Kingdom, and Switzerland. While they represent tremendous diversity in size, mission, location, and selectivity, they all share a commitment of promoting access through holistic admission.
1. 2. 3. 4. Adelphi University Agnes Scott College Alaska Pacific University Albany College of Pharmacy and Health Sciences 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. Albion College Albright College Alfred University Allegheny College Alma College 42. Caldwell College 43. California College of the Arts 44. California Institute of Technology (Caltech) 45. California Lutheran University 46. Calvin College 47. Canisius College 48. Carleton College 49. Carnegie Mellon University 50. Carroll College (Montana) 51. Carroll University 52. Case Western Reserve University 53. Castleton State College 54. Cazenovia College 55. Cedar Crest College 56. Centenary College (Louisiana) 57. Centenary College (NJ) 58. Central Connecticut State University 59. Centre College 60. Champlain College 61. Chapman University 62. Chatham University 63. Christian Brothers University 64. Christopher Newport University 65. Claremont McKenna College 66. Clark University 67. Clarkson University 68. Coe College 69. Colby College 70. Colby-Sawyer College 71. Colgate University 72. College of Mount Saint Vincent 73. College of Notre Dame of Maryland 74. College of St. Joseph 75. College of the Atlantic 76. 77. College of the Holy Cross College of Wooster 84. 85. 86. 87. 88. 89. 90. 91. 92. 93. 94. 95. 96. 97. 98. 99. 78. 79. 80. 81. 82. 83. Colorado College Colorado State University Columbia College Chicago Columbia University Concordia College Concordia University Portland, OR Concordia University Irvine Connecticut College Converse College Cornell College Cornell University Creighton University Curry College Daemen College Dartmouth College Davidson College Denison University DePaul University DePauw University DeSales University Dickinson College Dominican University of California 100. Dowling College 101. Drake University 102. Drew University 103. Drexel University 104. Drury University 105. Duke University 106. Earlham College 107. Eastern Connecticut State University 108. Eastern University 109. Eckerd College 110. Elizabethtown College 111. Elmira College 112. Elms College 113. Emerson College 114. Emmanuel College 115. Emory & Henry College 116. Emory University 117. Fairfield University 118. Felician College 119. Fisk University 120. Flagler College 121. Florida Institute of Technology 122. Florida Southern College 123. Fontbonne University 124. Fordham University 125. Franklin and Marshall College 126. Franklin College Switzerland 127. Franklin Pierce University 128. Franklin W. Olin College of Engineering 129. Furman University 130. Gannon University 131. George Fox University 132. Georgia Institute of Technology 133. Georgian Court University 134. Gettysburg College 135. Gonzaga University 136. Goshen College 137. Goucher College 138. Green Mountain College 139. Grinnell College 140. Guilford College 141. Gustavus Adolphus College 142. Hamilton College 143. Hamline University (MN) 144. Hampden-Sydney College 145. Hampshire College 146. Hanover College 147. Hartwick College 148. Harvard University 149. Harvey Mudd College 150. Haverford College 151. Hawai'i Pacific University 152. Hendrix College 153. Hillsdale College 154. Hiram College 155. Hobart and William Smith Colleges

10. American University 11. Amherst College 12. Anna Maria College 13. Arcadia University 14. Assumption College 15. Augsburg College 16. Augustana College (Illinois) 17. Augustana College (South Dakota) 18. Austin College 19. Babson College 20. Baldwin Wallace University 21. Bard College 22. Barnard College 23. Bates College 24. Belmont University 25. Beloit College 26. Bennington College 27. Bentley University 28. Berry College 29. Birmingham Southern College 30. Blackburn College 31. Boston College 32. Boston University 33. Bowdoin College 34. Bradley University 35. Brandeis University 36. Brown University 37. Bryant University 38. Bryn Mawr College 39. Bucknell University 40. Burlington College 41. Butler University

156. Hofstra University 157. Hollins University 158. Hood College 159. Hope College 160. Howard University 161. Hult International Business School 162. Husson University 163. Illinois College 164. Illinois Institute of Technology 165. Illinois Wesleyan University 166. Immaculata University 167. Iona College 168. Ithaca College 169. Jacobs University Bremen 170. John Cabot University in Rome 171. John Carroll University 172. Johns Hopkins University 173. Johnson State College 174. Juniata College 175. Kalamazoo College 176. Keele University 177. Keene State College 178. Kenyon College 179. Kettering University 180. Keuka College 181. Keystone College 182. King's College 183. King's College London 184. Knox College 185. La Salle University 186. Lafayette College 187. Lake Forest College 188. Lasell College 189. Lawrence Technological University 190. Lawrence University 191. Le Moyne College 192. Lehigh University 193. Lesley University 194. Lewis & Clark College 195. Lexington College 196. Lincoln University of Pennsylvania 197. Linfield College

198. Lipscomb University 199. List College The Jewish Theological Seminary 200. LIU Post 201. Long Island University Brooklyn Campus 202. Loyola Marymount University 203. Loyola University Maryland 204. Loyola University New Orleans 205. Luther College 206. Lycoming College 207. Lyndon State College 208. Lynn University 209. Macalester College 210. Manchester University 211. Manhattan College 212. Manhattanville College 213. Marietta College 214. Marist College 215. Marlboro College 216. Marquette University 217. Marymount Manhattan College 218. Marymount University 219. Maryville University of St. Louis 220. Marywood University 221. Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts 222. McDaniel College 223. MCPHS 224. Menlo College 225. Mercer University 226. Mercy College 227. Mercyhurst University 228. Meredith College 229. Merrimack College 230. Miami University (Ohio) 231. Middlebury College 232. Mills College 233. Millsaps College 234. Modul University Vienna 235. Molloy College 236. Monmouth University 237. Moravian College 238. Morehouse College

239. Mount Holyoke College 240. Mount Saint Mary College 241. Mount St. Mary's College 242. Muhlenberg College 243. Naropa University 244. Nazareth College 245. New College of Florida 246. New England College 247. New School - Eugene Lang College 248. New York Institute of Technology (NYIT) 249. New York University 250. Newberry College 251. Newbury College 252. Niagara University 253. Nichols College 254. Northeastern University 255. Northland College 256. Northwestern University 257. Notre Dame de Namur University 258. Oberlin College 259. Occidental College 260. Oglethorpe University 261. Ohio Wesleyan University 262. Oklahoma City University 263. Otterbein University 264. Pace University 265. Pacific Lutheran University 266. Pacific University 267. Pepperdine University 268. Philadelphia University 269. Pine Manor College 270. Pitzer College 271. Plymouth State University 272. Pomona College 273. Presbyterian College 274. Prescott College 275. Princeton University 276. Providence College 277. Purdue University 278. Quinnipiac University 279. Ramapo College of New Jersey 280. Randolph College 281. Randolph-Macon College

282. Reed College 283. Regis College 284. Regis University 285. Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute 286. Rhode Island College 287. Rhode Island School of Design 288. Rhodes College 289. Rice University 290. Richard Stockton College of New Jersey 291. Richmond The American International University in London 292. Rider University 293. Ringling College of Art and Design 294. Ripon College 295. Roanoke College 296. Rochester Institute of Technology 297. Roger Williams University 298. Rollins College 299. Rosemont College 300. Rowan University 301. Russell Sage College 302. Sacred Heart University 303. Sage College of Albany 304. Saint Anselm College 305. Saint Francis University 306. Saint John's University (College of Saint Benedict) 307. Saint Joseph's College (IN) 308. Saint Joseph's College of Maine 309. Saint Joseph's University 310. Saint Leo University 311. Saint Louis University 312. Saint Martin's University 313. Saint Mary's College of California 314. Saint Mary's College of Indiana 315. Saint Mary's University of Minnesota 316. Saint Michael's College

317. Saint Peter's University 318. Saint Vincent College 319. Salem College 320. Salisbury University 321. Salve Regina University 322. Samford University 323. Santa Clara University 324. Sarah Lawrence College 325. School of the Art Institute of Chicago 326. Scripps College 327. Seattle Pacific University 328. Seattle University 329. Seton Hall University 330. Seton Hill University 331. Sewanee: The University of the South 332. Siena College 333. Sierra Nevada College 334. Simmons College 335. Simpson College 336. Skidmore College 337. Smith College 338. Soka University of America 339. Southern Methodist University 340. Southern New Hampshire University 341. Southwestern University 342. Spelman College 343. Spring Hill College 344. St. Bonaventure University 345. St. Catherine University 346. St. Edward's University 347. St. John Fisher College 348. St. John's College (MD) 349. St. John's College (NM) 350. St. Joseph's College Brooklyn Campus 351. St. Joseph's College - Long Island Campus 352. St. Lawrence University 353. St. Mary's College of Maryland 354. St. Norbert College 355. St. Olaf College 356. St. Thomas Aquinas College

357. St. Thomas University 358. Stanford University 359. Stephens College 360. Sterling College 361. Stetson University 362. Stevens Institute of Technology 363. Stevenson University 364. Stonehill College 365. Suffolk University 366. SUNY Binghamton University 367. SUNY Buffalo State College 368. SUNY College at Brockport 369. SUNY College at Geneseo 370. SUNY College at Old Westbury 371. SUNY College at Oneonta 372. SUNY College of Environmental Science & Forestry 373. SUNY Cortland 374. SUNY Fredonia 375. SUNY Institute of Technology 376. SUNY Maritime College 377. SUNY New Paltz 378. SUNY Oswego 379. SUNY Plattsburgh 380. SUNY Potsdam 381. SUNY Purchase College 382. SUNY Stony Brook University 383. SUNY University at Albany 384. SUNY University at Buffalo 385. Susquehanna University 386. Swarthmore College 387. Sweet Briar College 388. Syracuse University 389. Temple University 390. Texas Christian University 391. The American University of Paris 392. The American University of Rome 393. The Catholic University of America

394. The College of Idaho 395. The College of New Jersey 396. The College of New Rochelle 397. The College of Saint Rose 398. The College of William & Mary 399. The George Washington University 400. The Ohio State University 401. The University of Maine 402. University of Rhode Island 403. The University of Scranton 404. The University of Tennessee Knoxville 405. The University of Tulsa 406. Thiel College 407. Thomas College 408. Towson University 409. Transylvania University 410. Trinity Christian College 411. Trinity College 412. Trinity University 413. Tufts University 414. Union College 415. Unity College 416. University of Aberdeen 417. University of Birmingham England 418. University of Bristol 419. University of Chicago 420. University of Cincinnati 421. University of Colorado Boulder 422. University of Connecticut 423. University of Dallas 424. University of Dayton 425. University of Delaware 426. University of Denver 427. University of Evansville 428. University of Findlay 429. University of Great Falls 430. University of Hartford 431. University of Illinois at Chicago 432. University of Kentucky 433. University of LaVerne

434. University of Maine at Farmington 435. University of Maine at Machias 436. University of Maine at Presque Isle 437. University of Mary Washington 438. University of Maryland, Baltimore County 439. University of Massachusetts Amherst 440. University of Massachusetts Boston 441. University of Massachusetts Dartmouth 442. University of Massachusetts Lowell 443. University of Miami 444. University of Michigan 445. University of New England 446. University of New Hampshire 447. 448. University of New Haven University of New Orleans 449. University of North Carolina Asheville 450. University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill 451. University of North Carolina at Wilmington 452. 453. 454. University of Notre Dame University of Oklahoma University of Pennsylvania 455. 456. University of Portland University of Puget Sound 457. 458. 459. University of Redlands University of Richmond University of Rochester

460. University of Saint Joseph 461. University of San Diego 462. University of San Francisco 463. University of Southern California 464. University of Southern Maine

465. University of St Andrews 466. University of Stirling 467. University of Tampa 468. University of the Pacific 469. University of the Sciences 470. University of Vermont 471. University of Virginia 472. Ursinus College 473. Utica College 474. Valparaiso University 475. Vanderbilt University 476. Vassar College 477. Villanova University 478. Virginia Commonwealth University 479. Virginia Intermont College

480. Wabash College 481. Wagner College 482. Wake Forest University 483. Warren Wilson College 484. Wartburg College 485. Washington & Jefferson College 486. Washington and Lee University 487. Washington College 488. Washington University in St. Louis 489. Webster University 490. Wellesley College 491. Wells College 492. Wentworth Institute of

Technology 493. Wesleyan University 494. Western New England University 495. Westminster College (Missouri) 496. Westminster College (Pennsylvania) 497. Westminster College (Utah) 498. Westmont College 499. Wheaton College 500. Wheeling Jesuit University 501. Wheelock College 502. Whitman College 503. Whittier College 504. Whitworth University

505. 506. 507.

Willamette University William Jewell College William Paterson University of NJ

508. 509. 510. 511. 512. 513.

Williams College Wilson College Wittenberg University Wofford College Woodbury University Worcester Polytechnic Institute

514. 515.

Xavier University Xavier University of Louisiana

516. 517.

Yale NUS College Yale University

College Essay General Tips

Many college applicants make the mistake of trying to include all of their accomplishments and activities in their application essays. Such essays read like what they are: tedious lists. The most engaging and compelling essays tell a story and have a clear focus. Through carefully chosen detail, your writing should reveal your passions and expose your personality. Your grades and scores show that youre smart. Use your essay to show that youre thoughtful and mature, that your personality has depth. A Touch of Humor (but just a touch): While it's important to be thoughtful and mature, you don't want your college application essay to be too heavy. Try to lighten up the essay with a clever metaphor, a well-placed witticism, or a little self-deprecating humor. But don't overdo it. The essay that is filled with bad puns or off-color jokes will often end up in the rejection pile. Your primary task is to answer the essay prompt thoughtfully; the smile you bring to your reader's lips is just a bonus. Many students have been rejected for failing to take the prompt seriously and writing essays that end up being more foolish than clever. Tone, Tone, Tone: Not just humor, but the overall tone of your application essay is remarkably important. It's also difficult to get right. Be careful to balance your pride in your achievements with humility and generosity towards others. You also want to avoid sounding like a whiner -- use your essay to show off your skills, not to explain the injustices that lead to your low math score or failure to graduate #1 in your class. Reveal Your Character: Along with the essay, most colleges rate "character and personal qualities" as extremely important in their admissions decisions. Your character shows up in three places on the application: the interview (if you have one), your involvement in extracurricular activities, and your essay. Of the three, the essay is the most immediate and illuminating to the admissions folks as they read through thousands of applications. Remember, colleges arent lo oking solely for straight "A"s and high SAT scores. Mechanics Matter: Grammatical problems, punctuation errors, and spelling mistakes can hurt your chance of being accepted. When excessive, these errors are distracting and make your application essay difficult to understand. Even a few errors, however, can be a strike against you. They show a lack of care and quality control in your written work, and your success in college partly depends upon strong writing skills.

The Common Application Essay

Write an essay of 250 650 words on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below. This personal essay helps colleges become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself. NOTE: Your Common Application essay should be the same for all colleges. Do not customize it in any way for individual colleges. Colleges that want customized essay responses will ask for them on a supplement form. Option #1: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story. "Identity" is at the heart of this prompt. What is it that makes you you? The prompt gives you a lot of latitude for answering the question since you can write about your "background or story." Your "background" can be a broad environmental factor that contributed to your development such as growing up in a military family, living in an interesting place, or dealing with an unusual family situation. Your "story" could be an event or series of events that had a profound impact on your identity. However you approach the prompt, make sure you are inward looking and explain how and why your identity was influenced by your background or story. Option #2: Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn? This prompt may seem to go against everything that you've learned on your path to college. It's far more comfortable in an application to celebrate successes and accomplishments than it is to discuss failure. At the same time, you'll impress the college admissions folks greatly if you can show your ability to learn from your failures and mistakes. Be sure to devote significant space to the second half of the question--what was your response to failure, and how did you learn and grow from the experience? Introspection and honesty is key with this prompt. Option #3: Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again? Keep in mind how open-ended this prompt truly is. The "belief or idea" you explore could be your own, someone else's, or that of a group. The best essays will be honest as they explore the difficulty of working against the status quo or a firmly held belief, and the answer to the final question--would you make the same decision again--need not be "yes." Sometimes in retrospection we discover that the cost of an action was perhaps too great. However you approach this prompt, your essay needs to reveal one of your core personal values. If the belief you challenged doesn't give the admissions folks a window into your personality, then you haven't succeeded with this prompt. Option #4: Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you? A "place or environment" could be many things--a house, a classroom, a tree top, a church, a stadium, a stage, a family event, a country, an imagined space, a book, an internal place, and so on. Think about where and when you are most content, and then analyze the source of that contentedness. Keep in mind that the "why" at the end of the prompt is essential. This essay prompt, like all of the options, is asking you to be introspective and share with the admissions folks what it is that you value. Option #5: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family. I'm not a fan of the way this prompt is worded for it suggests that a single event or accomplishment can be so transformative that one becomes an adult overnight. Maturity comes as the result of a long train of events and accomplishments (and failures). That said, this prompt is an excellent choice if you want to explore a single event or achievement that marked a clear milestone in your personal development. Be careful to avoid the "hero" essay -- admissions offices are often overrun with essays about the season-winning touchdown or brilliant performance in the school play. These can certainly be fine topics for an essay, but make sure your essay is analyzing your personal growth process, not bragging about an accomplishment.

Choosing a Topic: Whichever prompt you chose, make sure you are looking inward. What do you value? What has made you grow as a person? What makes you the unique individual the admissions folks will want to invite to join their campus community? The best essays spend significant time with self-analysis, and they don't spend a disproportionate amount of time merely describing a place or event. Analysis, not description, will reveal the critical thinking skills that are the hallmark of a promising college student.

Tips for each Option

Option 1: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
This popular option appeals to a broad spectrum of applicants. After all, we all have a "story" to tell. We've all had events or circumstances that have been central to the development of our identities. Also, so many parts of the application -- test scores, grades, lists of awards and activities -- seem far removed from the actual features that make us the unique individuals that we are. If you choose this option, spend some time thinking about what the prompt is really asking. On a certain level, the prompt is giving you permission to write about anything. The words "background" and "story" are wonderfully vague, so you have a lot of freedom to approach this question however you want. That said, don't make the mistake of thinking that anything goes with option #1. The story you tell needs to be "central to your identity," and it needs to make your application more complete. As you explore possible ways to approach this first essay option, keep these points in mind:

Think hard about what it is that makes you, you. If you end up telling a story that hundreds of other applicants could also tell, then you haven't fully succeeded in tackling the question of identity that stands at the heart of this prompt. Your "story" or "background" isn't a single event. Being voted Prom Queen and scoring that winning goal may be impressive accomplishments, but by themselves they are not stories about the formation of your identity. Your "story" or "background" can take a variety of forms. Did you grow up in a difficult domestic situation? Did you live in an usual place that had a significant impact on your childhood? Did you or someone in your family have significant challenges to overcome? Were you surrounded by people who had a major influence on your development? Did you move frequently? Did you have to hold a job from a young age? Do you have a particular obsession or passion that has been a driving force in your life for years? Make sure your essay is adding a rich dimension to your application. You have 650 words to present yourself as an interesting and passionate individual who will be a positive addition to the campus community. If your essay is repeating information that can be found elsewhere in your application, then you're wasting this opportunity. Keep "diversity" in mind as you write your essay. By diversity I'm not referring to the color of your skin or your ethnic background (although these can certainly be a part of your essay). Rather, if a college admits 2,000 students, the school wants to see 2,000 individuals who each has a unique story and background to bring to the campus environment. If you don't think you have a story to tell, you are wrong. You don't need to have grown up in a yurt in the Himalayas to have a background that is worth narrating. 8

Option 2: Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?
Many college applicants will be uncomfortable with this question. After all, a college application should highlight your strengths and accomplishments, not draw attention to your failures. Consider these points:

Growing and maturing is all about learning from our failures. A student who can learn from failure is a student who will be successful in college. It's easy to boast about our accomplishments. It takes a greater level of confidence and maturity to acknowledge and examine our failures. Every single one of the thousands of applications a college receives will highlight successes, awards, honors, and accomplishments. Very few will show the type of confidence and introspection required to explore failures.

Break Down the Question: If you do choose this prompt, read the question carefully. Let's break it down into three parts: Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. This is the exposition of your essay -- the description of the failure that you are going to analyze. Keep in mind that the action requested here -- "recount" -- is the easy part of your essay. Recounting doesn't require a lot of high-level thinking. This is the plot summary. You'll need clear, engaging language, but you want to make sure you do the "recounting" as efficiently as possible. How did it affect you... This is the second most important part of your essay. You failed, so how did you respond? What emotions did failure evoke? Were you frustrated? Did you want to give up or did failure motivate you? Were you angry at yourself or did you project blame onto someone else? Were you surprised by your failure? Was this a new experience for you? Be honest as you assess your reaction to failure. Even if you were affected in a way that now seems inappropriate or an over-reaction, don't hold back as you explore the way that failure affected you. What lessons did you learn? This is the heart of your essay, so make sure you give this part of the question significant emphasis. The question here -- "what did you learn?" -- is asking for higher level thinking skills than the rest of the prompt. Understanding what you learned requires self-analysis, introspection, self-awareness, and strong critical thinking skills. This is the one part of prompt #2 that is truly asking for college-level thinking. The best students are those who assess their failures, learn from them, and move on. What Counts as a "Failure"? Another challenge with this prompt is deciding on your focus. What type of "failure" will lead to the best essay? Keep in mind that your failure does not need to be an epic fail. Failures come in many flavors. Some possibilities include:

A failure to apply yourself. Did laziness or over-confidence make you under-perform academically or in an extracurricular event? A failure to behave appropriately. Did your conduct in a situation insult or hurt someone? How should you have behaved? Why did you behave the way you did? A failure to act. Sometimes our greatest failures are those moments when we do nothing. In retrospect, what should you have done? Why did you do nothing? Failing a friend or family member. Did you let down someone close to you? Disappointing others can be one of the most difficult failures to come to terms with. A failure to listen. If you're like me, you think you're right 99% of the time. Many times, however, others have a lot to offer, but only if we listen. Failure under pressure. Did you choke during your orchestra solo? Did you bobble the ball during an important play? A lapse in judgment. Did you do something foolish or dangerous that had unfortunate consequences? 9

Option 3: Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again? The focus on a "belief or idea" makes this question wonderfully (and perhaps paralyzingly) broad. Indeed, you could write about almost anything that you've ever openly questioned, whether it be your school's daily recital of the Pledge of Allegiance, the color of your team uniforms, or the environmental impacts of hydraulic fracturing. Choosing an "Idea or Belief": Step one in tackling this prompt is coming up with an "idea or belief" you have challenged that will lead to a good essay. Keep in mind that the belief could be your own, your family's, a peer's, a peer group's, or a larger social or cultural group's. As you narrow down your options, don't lose sight of the purpose of the essay: your essay needs to show that you are a thoughtful, analytical, and open-minded person, and it should also reveal something that you care about deeply. The idea or belief shouldn't be something superficial. Keep this points in mind as you brainstorm your topic:
The belief can be your own. In fact, your own belief can be an excellent choice for this essay option. If you are able to reevaluate and challenge your own beliefs, you are demonstrating that you are a student who has the type of self-awareness, open-mindedness, and maturity that are essential ingredients for college success. The belief or idea can take many forms: a political or ethical belief; a theoretical or scientific idea; a personal conviction; an entrenched way of doing things (challenging the status quo); and so on. Realize, however, that some beliefs can send your essay into controversial and potentially risky territory. Your challenge of the idea or belief need not have been successful. The best essays reveal something that the writer is passionate about. By the end of the essay, the admissions folks should feel that they have a much better grasp on what it is that motivates you.

Break Down the Question:

Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea; reflection is far more than summarizing or reminiscing. Your task with this question isn't simply to describe a time when you challenged a belief. To "reflect" upon something you did is to analyze and contextualize your actions. What were you motives? Why did you do what you did? What were you thinking at the time, and in retrospect, were your thoughts at the time appropriate? How have your actions played a role in your personal growth? What prompted you to act? If you did the first part of the question effectively ("reflect"), then you've already responded to this part of the question. Again, make sure you aren't just describing how you acted. Explain why you acted the way you did. How did your own beliefs and ideas motivate you to challenge some other belief or idea? What was the tipping point that spurred you into action? Would you make the same decision again? This part of the prompt is also asking for reflection. Look back at the big picture and put your action in context. What were the results of challenging the belief or idea? Was your action worth the effort? Did good come of your action? Did you pay a heavy price for your challenge? Did you or someone else learn and grow from your efforts? Realize that your answer here need not be "yes." Sometimes we take action only to learn later that the outcome wasn't worth the cost. You don't need to present yourself as a hero who changed the world through your challenge of the status quo. Many excellent essays explore a challenge that didn't turn out as planned. Indeed, sometimes we grow more from missteps and failures than we do from triumph.

10

Option 4: Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?
Except for the rare student who isn't content anywhere, this question will be a viable option for a wide range of applicants. Nearly everyone can identify a location that brings contentedness. But this doesn't mean the prompt isn't challenging. Applicants who choose this option will need to make sure they are presenting their chosen location effectively. The tips below can help: Choosing a "Place or Environment": Step one in tackling this prompt is coming up with "a place or environment where you are perfectly content." You have a lot of latitude here--you can write about any specific location on the globe ("a place"), or you can be less focused and discuss the type of surroundings ("environment") that brings you contentedness. The place can be small or large, inside or outside, commonplace or extraordinary. As you brainstorm this essay prompt, think broadly about the place or environment you are going to discuss. Your options include:

A building: Your house, church, school, tree fort, or grandma's home. A store, movie theater, caf, restaurant, fitness club... An interior space: your bedroom, the secret room under the stairs, your english classroom, the locker room, your aunt's kitchen, the driver's seat of your favorite car... An exterior space: the woods, the ocean, the lake, a city street, a rooftop, a meadow in bloom, the dessert at night... A travel destination: Machu Picchu, the Philadelphia Zoo, Washington DC, the Avenue des Champs-lyses, a food market in Shanghai, a tent in the Mountains... A performance or athletic venue: the stage of a concert hall, a tennis court, the football field, the shoulder of the road on a bike, the theater... An imagined place: the world portrayed in a painting, Gatsbys Roaring 20s, Jane Austen's England... *The list could be much, much longer, and please don't let these limited suggestions steer you away from your own place of contentedness.

What Does "Perfectly Content" Mean?: Many students have interpreted this question to be asking about a place where they are at peace. Indeed, that is one way to read the question, and being in a peaceful state is one type of content state. But the word "content" can mean much more than a state of peacefulness. It is also a state of satisfaction, and you don't need to be peaceful to be satisfied. An adrenaline junkie might be most content when skydiving, and a musician might be most content when performing a solo to a standing-room-only crowd. Be Careful When You "Describe": Always keep in mind that the essay is a place for you to tell the admissions folks more about yourself, and for you to demonstrate that you are well prepared for college. The first task asked of you in prompt #4 -- "Describe a place or environment" -- is also the least challenging part of the question. Describing, unlike analyzing, is a pretty low level form of thinking. This part of the essay has no self-analysis or introspection, so it is not saying much about you, your passions, or how well your mind works. Because of this, don't spend too many of your 650 words describing. Be clear, concise, and engaging as you describe the place you have chosen, but then move on. The description should not be the bulk of your essay. The "What" and the "Why": The end of the prompt is most important. The question is asking you why you feel and act the way you do in your special place. Why is this place or environment meaningful to you? Dig deep. A shallow response isn't going to impress anyone. The student who writes "I'm most content on the soccer field because I've always loved soccer" hasn't really answered the question. Why do you love soccer? Are you a competitive person? Do you like the teamwork? Does soccer help you escape from other parts of your life? Does it make you a better person? How has your time on the soccer field made you grow? What exactly makes the soccer field so full of meaning for you? 11

Option 5: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
We all have all had experiences that bring about growth and maturity, so essay option five will be a viable option for all applicants. The big challenges with this essay prompt will be identifying the correct "accomplishment or event," and then making sure the discussion of your growth has enough depth and self analysis to show your are a strong, thoughtful college applicant. What defines a "transition from childhood to adulthood"?: The idea that a single event can make us adults is, in my mind, simplistic at best. Maturity and adulthood come about over years, through hundreds of learning experiences. Many adults would also argue that a 17- or 18-year-old applying to college is not yet an adult, or that a lot of maturing still occurs between being a "young adult" and an older adult. Fair enough, but if we put ourselves in the position of a college admissions officer, I think we can see that the label "adult" is an important one. Are you done growing and maturing? Of course not. If you were, why bother going to college at all. However, by applying to college you are telling the admissions officers that you are ready for the next stage in your life. You are prepared to take responsibility for your own actions, live away from home, manage your own time, and make the proper decisions to succeed in your endeavors. You're suggesting that you will be respectful of others, you'll work to negotiate differences with roommates and classmates, and that you will be a contributing member of a campus community. In short, your essay for option five needs to reveal the type of personal growth that suggests you're ready for the next, more independent stage of your life. The question becomes more realistic and manageable if posed in these terms: "Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marks a moment of significant personal growth within your culture, community, or family." You're not done growing (nor am I), but you certainly have had moments of significant growth. What type of "accomplishment or event" is best?: As you brainstorm ideas for this essay prompt, think broadly as you try to come up with a good choice for the "accomplishment or event." The best choices, of course, will be significant moments in your life. You want to introduce the admissions folks to something you value highly. Your options include, but are not limited to:

An Accomplishment:

You reach a goal that you have set for yourself such as earning a certain GPA or performing a difficult piece of music. You do something independently for the first time such as preparing a meal for the family, flying across the country, or house-sitting for a neighbor. You overcome or learn to appreciate a disability or handicap. Working alone or with a team, you win an award or recognition (a gold medal in a music competition, a strong showing in Odyssey of the Mind, a successful fundraising campaign, etc.) You successfully launch your own business (a lawn-mowing service, babysitting business, web company, etc.) You successfully navigate or extricate yourself from a dangerous or challenging situation (an abusive family, a problematic peer group, etc.) You do something challenging like winter camping, white-water kayaking, or running a marathon. You complete a meaningful service project such as creating a public garden or helping build a house with Habitat for Humanity. 12

An Event: You pass a milestone in your life such as the first day of high school or your first time driving by yourself. You have an interaction with someone (whether that be a friend, family member or stranger) that opens your awareness in a profound way. You perform at an event such as a concert or competition in which your hard work and perseverance finally pay off. You experience a traumatic event such as an accident or sudden loss that makes you reevaluate your behavior or beliefs. You experience a moment of failure (much like option #2) that causes you to grapple with and grow from the experience. You are moved by a world event that makes you reflect upon what you most value and what your role in the world might be. How can "culture" fit into this essay prompt?: The Common Application used to have a question about diversity, and the mention of "culture" in prompt number five gives you an opportunity to talk about diversity in the new Common Application. How does your culture define the transition to adulthood? What developmental milestones does your culture emphasize? Because of the mention of "culture" in this prompt, you should feel free to connect the "accomplishment or event" to a context that is specific to your cultural heritage. A racial, religious or social group to which you belong can be worked into this essay option if you choose to approach the question through that lens. What about "community" and "family"?: The end of prompt number five -- "within your culture, community, or family" -- is simply a recognition that "adulthood" is a social construct. In other words, you don't become an adult in isolation. The definition of "child" and "adult" is set by a group to which you belong -- your family, community, or culture. You become an adult when the people who surround you recognize your actions and behavior as adult-like. Different groups will define adulthood differently. Your essay, then, will need to set the terms for how your specific social or cultural group defines adulthood. Do you become an adult when you hunt and gut your first deer, or are you an adult when your parents no longer need to take you to basketball practice? You don't need to spend a lot of space explaining how your family or community defines "adult, but your essay should at least briefly explain what it means to be an "adult" within your unique context. What does "formal or informal" mean?: The question is not asking whether or not you were dressed for the prom, so don't feel the need to talk about tuxedos or jeans. Rather, the prompt is suggesting that the "achievement or event" can be something specific such as a solo competition, an achievement award, a 50-mile trek, or football game, or it can be something that is more personal and self-defined such as an effort to get over a fear of heights or a goal of giving up Facebook for a month. Personal growth can stem from failure: Keep in mind that the "accomplishment or event" doesn't have to be a triumphant moment in your life. An accomplishment can be learning to deal with setbacks or failure, and the event could be a losing game or an embarrassing solo in which you missed that high C. Part of becoming an adult is learning to accept our own shortcomings, and recognizing that failure is both inevitable and an opportunity to learn. Most important of all: "Discuss" When you "discuss" your event or accomplishment, make sure you push yourself to think analytically. Don't spend too much time merely describing and summarizing the event or accomplishment. A strong essay needs to show off your ability to explore the significance of the event you have chosen. You need to look inward and analyze how and why the event caused you to grow and mature. If the essay doesn't reveal some solid self-analysis, then you haven't fully succeeded in responding to the prompt.

13

The College Admissions Essay

DO ensure your essay has a thesis or a controlling idea- something you intend to prove about yourself.

DONT be fooled: even if it claims to be an essay about your trip to Italy, your broken leg, or your basketball game, you must remain focused on you.

DO check to ensure you answer the prompt if you DONT write about your list of amazing fail to do this, an eloquently written essay will be achievements, drug use, sex life, stint in jail, woe is of no use. me, one track social/political/religious views, a travel log, excuses or comedy routine. DO spend a significant amount of time creating a DONT be too controversial, not everyone agrees solid, creative introduction; you are being judged with your stance on gay marriage, gun control and from line one. welfare. DO include topic sentences, in a sense, and expand DONT brag about how advanced and using specific vivid images. sophisticated you are. DO use vivid language (verbs/nouns etc) that DONT tell them what you think they want to hear, enhances the readers experience with your essay. just because they are smarter than you and have a They are perched in a lonely office with only a job at the fantastic university that you dream of Sharpie in hand. attending. DO convey a positive message overall. Cynicism, DONT rely on gimmicks; they are as unworthy as bitterness, and resentment will not score points a knight with no fortitude. with admissions committees. DO write about something that excites you; if it DONT repeat information that is somewhere else does not excite you, it will not excite the reader. on the application; it is repetitive and no one likes when you repeat yourself. DO ensure that the majority of the essay is about DONT write a hero essay unless they landed YOU and not the event, place, failure... an airplane on the Hudson river saving 155 lives. DO have multiple people read it and give feedback. DONT give mealy-mouthed, weak excuses for your You will compose multiple drafts, at least one after unrepresentative GPA or SAT scores. each revision. DO use high-level vocabulary, but make sure it is DONT be afraid to reveal something personal. the right word in the right place do not try to sound smart, just be smart. DO include emotions experienced during an event DONT make things up. When I was reading or concerning a person; your emotion makes you college admissions essays, I hated it when people unique. lied. DO use varied sentence structure make use of DONT try to reverberate more sophisticated than semi-colons, dashes and complex sentences. you are; colleges deduce to be informed from an educated teenager. DO include appropriate literary elements that DONT assume spell-check is enough; 2 qualifying enhance the meaning of your work. people should red your essay. DO check your dates, places and times to ensure DONT forgot too proffread accuracy. DO keep in mind that the essay can rescue a DONT be afraid to start over if the essay is not borderline application, but can also sink a solid working! application if it is boring or carelessly written.

14

Step 2: Read Exemplars Directions: Read the following exemplars keep in mind the 4 techniques for successful writing. Recognize the author for successful elements of the essay in the star column. Right suggestions for elements you wish they would have done differently under the wish column. Option 1: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story. (782 words) At the age of eleven, I could not read nor write. I could not do simple math. I was approaching the end of fifth grade but I felt like a preschooler. Some may think I had a learning disability. I was, however, a normal functioning eleven year old. The reason for my academic struggles: I had never spoken the English language. When I was a little girl, I believed I had it all: a fair sized home- complete with my own bedroom- beautiful dresses with matching accessories, dolls envied by the neighborhood kids, a younger brother, and parents that loved and cared for me. Unfortunately, my perfect little world collapsed when my parents became terminally ill, infected with HIV, and was no longer able to provide for my brother and me. They were defenseless -living in a third world country- and lacking the resources for sufficient treatment. Even though I had only lived eight years of my life, I knew the loss of my parents would be the hardest thing I would ever face. The tears, agony, and heartache caused me to lose hope and question my faith. The next years of my life were unlike most girls my age. I was now the caretaker of my younger brother, living with other orphans in a one-room house known as The Group Home. I experienced some of my darkest days living in that house; I ate when there was food available and often did not. The worst feeling was trying to distract myself from the constant growling of my brothers stomach. My body ached from each night I spent sleeping on the floor. Outside the home young men were snorting and injecting cocaine and other drugs. The woman in charge of the home was mentally, physically, and emotionally abusive. My body was constantly covered with bruises. I did not shower for months and wore the same raggedy clothes for weeks. I walked everywhere- barefoot- on the gravel streets and often traveled through the neighborhood asking for money to purchase food. Finally, I was placed in an orphanage and lived there for about a year. In
15

Star

Wish

2004, the Rizzo family from America began the steps to adopt my brother and me. I traveled twenty-two hours from Ethiopia, Africa to Huntingdon Valley, Pennsylvania. I felt like I had arrived in outer space. I could not begin to comprehend the vast differences between these two countries. The diversity among ethnic backgrounds, the unknown language, the modern clothes, the skyscrapers, the sports cars, and the paved streets with individual names overwhelmed me. I did not know if I was capable of adapting to this new realm. These thoughts rushed through my mind, and sadly, I could not communicate the sense of loss I felt. Immediately, I knew that I could not sit around, hoping for a miracle. The journey ahead was not going to be easy; I had to push myself in order to adapt and excel. I was enrolled in the fifth grade, began an ESL class, and worked with a tutor. During the preceding months, I was determined to learn English. Through many nights and days -studying, observing, listening and learning- I began to say the labeled items around my new home: chair, win-doh, ri-frij-uh-rey-ter, soh-fuh, kab-uh-nit, etc... I formulated letters into a sound, sounds into a word, words into a sentence, and so on. Soon, I could read Arthur and The Magic School Bus series. I fell in love with reading! These successes sparked my quest to knowledge. By the following year, I was reading The Giver and The Outsiders. By the end of sixth grade, I was able to speak English and earned straight As in all of my classes. I could hold conversations with teachers and friends, give presentations on the Boston Tea Party, explain DNA, teach a fellow student how to figure out the area of an isosceles triangle, write essays elaborating on the importance of Daisys green light and produce award winning poetry. With hard work and a strong support system, what seemed impossible became reality. Just like the plane ride to America, my new journey was long and tiring. There were most certainly bumps on the road, turbulent weather, and jet lag. The many challenges set me up for success in a challenging high school environment. After being accepted into Mount St. Joseph Academy, I persistently worked toward achieving my goals. My present goal is to attend Temple University. After being given a second chance, I am determined to achieve success in higher education and the work force. My character was tested when faced with this tragedy and I plan to lead a meaningful life to honor my past.
16

Option 4: Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you? (406)
The sun sleeps as the desolate city streets await the morning rush hour. Driven by an inexplicable compulsion, I enter the building along with ten other swimmers, inching my way toward the cold, dark locker room of the Esplanada Park Pool. One by one, we slip into our still-damp drag suits and make a mad dash through the chill of the morning air, stopping only to grab pull-buoys and kickboards on our way to the pool. Nighttime temperatures in coastal California dip into the high forties, but our pool is artificially warmed to seventy-nine degrees; the temperature differential propels an eerie column of steam up from the water's surface, producing the spooky ambience of a werewolf movie. Next comes the shock. Headfirst immersion into the tepid water sends our hearts racing, and we respond with a quick set of warm-up laps. As we finish, our coach emerges from the fog. Sometimes, in the solitude of the laps, my thoughts transition to events in my personal life. This year, my grandmother suffered a reoccurrence of cancer, which has spread to her lungs. She had always been driven by good spirits and independence, but suddenly my family had to accept the fact that she now faces a limited timeline. I felt as if my own objective, to cut my times by fractions of a second, seemed irrelevant, even ironic, given the urgency of her goal: to prolong life itself. Yet we have learned to draw on each other's strengths for support--her fortitude helps me overcome my struggles while my swimming achievements provide her with a vicarious sense of victory. When I share my latest award or triumph story, she smiles with pride, as if they themselves had stood on the award stand. I have the impression that I would have to be a grandparent to understand what my medals mean to them. My grandmother's strength has also shored up my determination to succeed. I have learned that, as in swimming, life's successes often come in small increments. Sometimes even the act of showing up at a workout when your body and psyche are worn out separates a great result from a failure. The difference between success and failure is defined by the ability to overcome strong internal resistance. I know that, by consistently working towards my goals--however small they may seem--I can accomplish what I set for myself, both in and beyond the swimming pool.

17

Option #5: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community or family.

Midway through my senior year at the special Bard school, the focuses in my life have changed dramatically. I arrived at the Bard in Massachusetts without any idea of what to expect. I entered my second year of high school as an innocent thirteen year-old who was about a thousand miles from home and was a new member of not the sophomore, but "lower-middle" class. If there is one common occurrence which takes place for every single person in the diverse student body at Bard, it is that we all grow up much faster for having lived there. I do not know whether this speeding up of the maturing process is generally good or bad, but I definitely have benefited. The classroom has become a whole different realm for me. Before, the teachers and students alike preached the importance of learning, but it was implicitly obvious that the most important concern was grades. At Bard teachers genuinely believe that learning is the most importance objective and deeply encourage us to collaborate with each other and make use of all resources that we may find. In fact, in a certain class this year, my teacher assigned us to prepare every day of the week to discuss a certain book; there were only two require-ments in this preparation -we had to maximize our sources, gleaning from everything and everyone in the school, but we were not allowed to actually look at the book. As a result, I know more about that book than any other that I have actually read. It is teaching methods such as this which ensure that we will learn more. Indeed, this matter of "thinking" has been one of the most important aspects of my experience. Whether in Physics or English, I'm required to approach every problem and idea independently and creatively rather than just regurgitate the teacher's words. In discussion with fellow students both inside and outside of class, the complex thoughts flowing through everyone's brain is evident. However, I believe that the most important concepts that I have espoused in being independent of my parents for half of each year, deal with being a cosmopolitan person. The school's faculty and students are conscious about keeping all of the kids' attention from being based on the school. Every single issue of global concern is brought forth by one group or another whether it be a faculty member, publication, ethnic society, or individual student. Along with being aware of issues of importance, after attending Bard my personality has evolved. First, my mannerisms have grown: the school stresses giving respect to everyone and everything. Our former headmaster often said, "Character can be measured not by one's interaction with people who are better off than him or herself, but by one's interactions with those who are worse off." The other prime goal of the school's community is to convert every single timid lower-classman into a loud, rambunctious senior. Basically,
18

if you have an opinion about something, it is wrong not to voice that opinion. Of course, being obnoxious is not the idea. The key is to become a master of communication with teachers, fellow students, all of who are a part of the community, and most importantly, those who are outside of the community. I do not want to make Bard sound as if it produces the perfect students, because it doesn't. But the school deserves a lot of credit for its efforts. Often, some part of the mold does remain. As the college experience approaches, I am still the same person, only modified to better maximize my talents. Although I still have some time to play tennis and see movies, perhaps one of the few similarities between this photograph and me now is my smile.

19

Option #1: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

A mile long line of Fords, Jettas, and Optras emit black fumes from their mufflers as they wait to cross the bridge. The sun beats through the windows and has heated up the entire car so that I have to make sure no open skin touches the seat. My mother has requested that I call her after crossing the three-inch, yellow bumps a symbol, to all Roma natives, that someone has crossed into United States territory from Mexico. I reflect on the irony of a traffic jam in the middle of nowhere as young children dart in and out of the traffic, smiling hopefully and asking for spare change. Thirty minutes later, I am still waiting in line on the dilapidated bridge, which spans the chlorophyll colored Rio Grande River that separates Miguel Aleman, Mexico from my home in Roma, Texas. I start to become impatient, so I look in the squared rear-view mirror of my moms Yukon, even though one hundred degree sunrays are striking it, to try to catch a glimpse of any interesting development. Through the reflection, I witness the Mexico I have known for my entire life: a frail woman carrying her daughter while selling tamarindo to other drivers stuck in traffic; children playing soccer with wastebaskets as goals; and a piata shop on the corner. This is every day life in Miguel Aleman and, though I am sure it seems odd to those outside of the Rio Grande Valley, to me such images are home. Still in traffic and without anywhere to go, I reflect on how I am microcosm of my geography. Beginning with my name, Heberto Alanis, the Mexican culture surrounds me. I speak Spanish, play in the Varsity Mariachi at my high school, and attend quinceeras. In addition, my family frequently gets together for tamales and plays loteria until late at night. Yes, we are very fond of our heritage, but that does not hinder the American culture from me. In fact, I am a traditional American: I watch Monday Night Football, go to the mall, eat pizza and hot dogs, attend baseball games,
20

and listen to country music. Thus, in my academic and personal life, I strive to break the barrier between Mexican and United States culture. I am willing, unlike many in my community, to attend a university far from my hometown, probably in a region where I will be considered an outsider. On the other hand, just like my humble, Mexican born grandparents whose diligent farm work afforded them options, I am willing to struggle to ensure myself success. I advance at a steady, but slow, pace and the tires pass over the three-inch, yellow bumps. I have now crossed over far enough to see the Jack in the Box sign, the tallest structure in Roma, through the windshield. Moreover, I see little league teams playing in the community park, the Roma High School, and an Exxon gas station. The view on the American side of the border is spectacular and grandiose compared to my rear-view mirror moments before. But, like in driving, neither the rear-view nor the windshield should be solely relied upon; this would impair the driver. Indeed, my past and my future, my Mexico and my United States, my English and my Spanish, are dependent on each other. Their interplay has formidably shaped me. Personally, I am not only willing but expecting to continue crossing three-inch, yellow bumps as I now move forward, outside of Miguel Aleman, Roma and perhaps even Texas, to pursue my education. Eventually, though, I plan to return; when I do, I will be the first MexicanAmerican doctor to practice in Roma.

21

Option #1: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Give Goth a Chance When I sat down to write this essay, I tried, as my high school English teacher always instructed, to imagine the audience for my writing. The more I thought about it, the more I pitied the college admissions screeners who would be reading a thousand essays on diversity. Along with the expected takes on race and ethnicity, how many of those essays would present their authors as outcasts, loners, kids who did not fit in at his or her school? How could I present myself as someone unique and interestingstrange, evenwithout falling prey to the clich of the selfpitying social misfit? Let me be direct: in some ways, I am the antithesis of what one might picture as a student who contributes to campus diversity. I am white, middle-class, and heterosexual; I have no physical handicaps or mental challenges apart from a tendency towards sarcasm. However, when I receive college brochures picturing smiling, clean-cut teens dressed in the latest from Abercrombie & Fitch and lounging on a blanket in the sun, I think, those people are not like me. Simply put, I am a Goth. I wear black, lots of it. I have piercings and ear gauges and tattoos. My hair, naturally the same sandy blonde that the rest of my family shares, is dyed jet, sometimes highlighted in streaks of purple or scarlet. I rarely smile and I do not do sun. If I were inserted into those brochure photographs of typical college students, I would look like a vampire stalking her wholesome prey. Again, I am imagining my reading audience, and I can almost see my readers eyes roll. So youre a little weird, kid. How does that contribute to campus diversity? Well, I think I contribute plenty. Diversity goes beyond the physical; race or ethnicity might be the first things one thinks of, but really, it is a question of what makes someone the person that he or she is. Diversity might be considered in terms of economic or geographical background, life experiences, religion, sexual orientation, and even personal interests and general outlook. In this respect, my Goth identity contributes a perspective that is far different from the mainstream. Being Goth isnt just about physical appearance; its a way of life that, like any other, includes not only individual tastes in music, literature, and popular culture, but also particular beliefs about philosophy, spirituality, and a range of other human issues.

22

To give just one specific example, I am planning to major in Environmental Studies, and while it might seem odd to picture a ghoulishly-dressed girl who adores the natural world, it was my Goth outlook that led me to this academic interest. I read voraciously, and am drawn to subject matter that is somewhat dark; the more I read about humanitys impact on the planet and the near-apocalyptic dangers posed by global climate change, pollution, overpopulation, the manipulation of the food supply and other environmental threats, the more interested I became, and the more determined that I should become involved. I, along with other members of my schools Environmental Club, started a campus recycling program, and lobbied our superintendent to install in all classrooms power strips that are used to easily shut down equipment such as printers and computers at the end of the day, thereby conserving energy and generating significant savings for our school. I was drawn to this dark subject matter of environmental crisis, not to wallow in it or savor the Schadenfreude, but to change it and make the world a better place. I know Goths look a little funny, as we wear our ebony trench coats in seventy-degree weather. I know we seem a little odd as we gather in shady nooks to discuss the latest episode of True Blood. I know professors may sigh as we swell the enrollments of poetry and art classes. Yes, we are different. And weIhave a lot to contribute.

23

Directions: After you read 3 exemplar essays, identify an example for each writing technique. Explain what makes your selection superior to others.
Key to Good Writing

In-text example

Controlling Idea

Creative Lead

Concrete Experiences and Details

Concise Writing

24

Step 4: Selecting a Topic After brainstorming, you should have a lengthy list of potential topics to cover. Use the following guide to help narrow down your topics: Conveying Something Meaningful Does your topic convey something meaningful about your personality? Will the reader walk away with an enriched understanding of who you are? If you cannot answer "yes" to these questions, then you have probably chosen a topic that is too generic. Search harder to find a subject for which you can take a more personal and original approach. Painting A Complete Portrait You cannot write a comprehensive essay that discusses everything you have ever done, but you can aim to offer an argument that details the full range of what you have to offer. If you choose only one topic, that topic should be broad enough in scope to allow you to discuss layers of your skills and characteristics. If you choose multiple topics, they should build upon and supplement each other, but not be redundant. Standing Out Is your topic unique? It is hard to have something entirely new to say, but you should at least have a fresh take on your topic. If you recognize a lack of originality in your ideas, try to be more specific and personal. The more specific you get, the less likely that you will blend in with the essays of other applicants. Keeping Your Reader's Interest Will your topic be able to sustain your reader's interest for the entire length of the essay? It is true that good writing can make any topic fascinating to read about, but there is no need to start yourself off with a handicap. Choose a topic that will naturally be of interest to any reader. For this criterion, it is necessary to step back and view your topic objectively, or else consult the opinion of others. If someone described the basic idea to you, would you care enough to ask for more details? Staying Grounded In Detail You should make sure ahead of time that your topic is fundamentally based on concrete evidence. If you are choosing specific experiences or events, then the relevant details should be clearly available. However, if your topic is more abstract, then you must be prepared to back up any claims with concrete examples and illustrative details. Answering The Question Applicants often overlook the very basic necessity of actually answering the question posed. They think they can get away with a loosely adapted essay from another application, or they simply do not take the time to review the question carefully. Make sure the topic you choose gives you room to address all parts of the question fully. Admissions officers could perceive an irrelevant response as an indication of your carelessness or lack of interest in their school.

25

Step 4: Brainstorming Topic 1 TOPIC: _______________________________

26

Introduction Tips:
The introduction is the most important part of your essay, and it has one purpose to fulfill above all others: to draw in the reader. Ideally, this should begin at an attention-grabbing opening sentence- which relates to the senses. Many people make the mistake of writing a paragraph that explains what they are going to talk about in the rest of the essay. If you have a paragraph such as this in your essay, the best move is to delete it.

1. Jump Right In: Some people will start with a compelling experience but will insist upon prefacing that experience with a very
generic statement such as the following: I want to go to college to learn and achieve my goals. Why is this an ineffective start?

I cant tell you in which peer group Id fit best because Im a social chameleon and am comfortable in most; I will instead describe my own social situation and the various cliques I drift in and out of. Star: Wish:

2.

A Concrete Image uses one of the 5 senses: Starting with a concrete image helps the reader to grasp your point.
Breez in and breez out. Clear yor mind by zinking of somezing plasant. For five minutes, all of us found ourselves sitting cross-legged on the floor with a soft, sleepy look on our faces as we subconsciously nodded to the soothing rhythmic voice of our French teacher. Our heads were still half wafting in the delicious swirls of dreamland, barely dwelling in the bittersweet shock of reality. Time whizzed by swiftly and we were forced to tend to the grueling task of untangling our aching frames, stiffened from prolonged straining positions. Author appeals to which of the 5 senses: ____________________________________________

Star:

Wish:

While eating Cheerios, my eyes wandered from the yellow giant cardboard box, to the white plastered ceiling, with shades of dawn in muted colors, and back to my bowl of cereal. Author appeals to which of the 5 senses: ____________________________________________ Star: Wish:

The oppressive heat did not stop us from climbing out of the van to face eleven men assembled in the shade. My class, consisting of twelve primarily white, middle-class students, felt out of place. We were at a farm worker labor camp in southern New Jersey, but judging from the rural landscape, it may as well have been Iowa. Wearing ragged clothes, hot and depressed, looking upon us as intruders in their world, they sneered at our audacity. We would invade their territory only to take pictures and observe them like tourists; I felt like a trespasser. Author appeals to which of the 5 senses: ____________________________________________ Star: Wish:

27

When I was four years old I decided to challenge conventional notions of the human limit by flying through a glass window. The impetus was Superman, whose exploits on television had induced my experiment. Nine stitches and thirteen years later, while I no longer attempt to be stronger than steel or faster than a speeding bullet, I still find myself testing my limits, mental and physical. Author appeals to which of the 5 senses: ____________________________________________ Star: Wish:

I am an addict. I cant go a whole day without, at the very least, humming or whistling the tunes that crowd my head. I tell people I could stop anytime, but deep inside, I know I am lying. I need to listen to music, to write music, to play music every day. I sing myself hoarse each morning in the shower, and playing the trumpet leaves a red mouthpiece-shaped badge of courage on my lips all day. I suspect that if someone were to look at my blood under a microscope, they would see, between the platelets and t-cells, little black musical notes coursing through my body. Author appeals to which of the 5 senses: ____________________________________________ Star: Wish:

Which concrete image is most effective? Explain your choice.

3. The Element of Mystery

There are many ways to engage your reader, but the elements of mystery and surprise are perhaps the most effective. With admissions officers pouring over as many as fifty essays in a day, they begin to scan applicant statements, stopping to read only those that are written extremely well and are out of the ordinary. There is perhaps no better way to get your readers to finish reading your personal statement than to make them guess what you are writing about through the element of mystery.

28

Conclusions:
1. Synthesize, Do Not Summarize
You do not need to recap the essay paragraph-by-paragraph. Stay from trite and clichd generalizations. If in the process of synthesizing, you can invoke your introduction that will add a strong sense of closure.

This applicant uses the essay to relate personal characteristics through a childs toy: Lego building blocks. He does not involve any overstatement on how Legos have dramatically changed his life . Legos may not have changed the world the way the airplane and the computer have, but for one little boy, they accomplished what no incredible piece of technology could do. They released an unstoppable flow of imagination and curiosity that has shaped the boy into a creative, energetic, and confident young man.

STAR:

2.

Expand on Broader Significance--Within Reason

Some applicants think they have to refer to saving the world or derive some grand philosophical truths from their experiences. Stay grounded and focused on your personal details. I cautiously placed my necklace around my neck as I once again boarded a plane to leave for Jonquiere, Quebec. For the following six weeks, I studied in a country where few people knew of the Jewish religion, and where those who looked at my necklace noticed it only for its beauty. Classmates in my courses knew of Judaism solely through stereotypes from television. For many, I was the first Jew they had met. I spoke less of my faith as a Jew, yet noticed its impact on me more. My necklace was my identity. I pulled it from underneath my shirt and placed it on the outside of my clothing, not caring if the diamond side faced forward.

STAR: 3. Do Not Add Entirely New Information, Except to Look Ahead

Speaking of goals in your conclusion is a strong way to end. This applicant closes by emphasizing how important music is in his life and by relating that he wants to share his gift with others. The essay has been building toward such a conclusion, so it is fitting: I hope to continue performing and studying music after high school. One of my band members met Sean Lennon last week while in the Village and said that Sean was very interested in hearing the demo we are wrapping up sometime in late November. Just the opportunity to present my music to a larger audience makes me realize how deeply I want to share the positive experience music has been in my life. Every time I make a new film, DJ a radio show, or record music with my band, I hope to promulgate music that will inspire other people to listen closely to the music that surrounds and impacts their lives.

STAR

29

**You may also want to refer to the specific schools to which you are applying (BUT NOT ON THE COMMON APPLICATION). This information can come earlier, but it is not unacceptable to bring it up in the conclusion. **

Step 6: Correcting Common Pitfalls

Careless Errors There is no excuse for careless errors, and having even one on your application can affect the way you are perceived by admissions officers. You have more than enough time to proofread and have others look over your essay. If an error slips through, your readers may assume that you are careless, disorganized, or not serious enough about your application. Remember that the spell check feature of your word processing program does not catch all possible errors. In addition to eliminating typographical errors such as repeated words, you have to read the essay carefully to catch mistakes in meaning that might even come in the form of a grammatically correct sentence. Directions: Have 5 people sign off on reading your college essay. Correct and track the essay each time an individual reads it.

Name

Date

Signature

30

Common Pitfalls
Vague Details Too often, an essay with an interesting story will fizzle into a series of statements that tell rather than show the qualities of the writer. As a result, the essay succumbs to the usual clichs: the value of hard work and perseverance, learning from mistakes, etc. This example helps explain the difference: Before: I developed a new compassion for the disabled. After: The next time that Mrs. Cooper asked me to help her across the street, I smiled and immediately took her arm. Before: "I like to be surrounded by people with a variety of backgrounds and interests" After: "During that night, I sang the theme song from Casablanca with a baseball coach who thinks he's Bogie, discussed Marxism with a little old lady, and heard more than I ever wanted to know about some woman's gall bladder operation." Before: "I want to help people. I have gotten so much out of life through the love and guidance of my family, I feel that many individuals have not been as fortunate; therefore, I would like to expand the lives of others." After: "My Mom and Dad stood on plenty of sidelines 'til their shoes filled with water or their fingers turned white, or somebody's golden retriever signed his name on their coats in mud. I think that kind of commitment is what I'd like to bring to working with fourth-graders." Wordiness Use the allotted space wisely and do not exceed word limits. Make sure you omit irrelevant details, clichs, and undeveloped ideas. Do not distract the reader with repetition or extra words. The second passage does not need the clich hit me like a ton of bricks because it expresses the same thought through forceful, concise writing. Before: After Mike left, his loss hit me like a ton of bricks, out of which, when I was finally able to crawl, I had to come to terms with the difficult fact that best friends may come along only once in a lifetime, and it was unlikely I would find such a close friendship again since lightning doesnt strike twice. After: When Mike left, I lost the best friend I ever had, and I lost him forever. Before: "Over the years it has been pointed out to me by my parents, friends, and teachersand I have even noticed this about myself, as wellthat I am not the neatest person in the world." After: "I'm a slob." Before: My recognition of the fact that the project was finally over was a deeply satisfying moment that will forever linger in my memory. After: Completing the project at last gave me an enduring sense of fulfillment.

31

Bland Lead Remember that admissions officers will probably spend no more than a few minutes on your essay. In the first two sentences, you must capture their interest. The first lead below does not engage the reader. A boring introduction will cause the reader to skim the essay, and the essay will not be memorable. In contrast, the second introductions use of detail makes the experience personal and draws the reader into the story. By also leaving out key details, the second lead creates intrigue, forcing the reader to find out: Who is this child? How and when did his parents die? How will the author help? Before: I volunteer as a Big Brother to a little boy. He lost his parents in a car accident a few months ago. From this experience, I hoped to help him cope with his loss and open up his personality by spending time with him after school on certain days. After: While the other children played outside, eleven-year old Dannys sad eyes focused on the white wall in front of him. He sat alone in silence--a silence that had imprisoned him since his mother and father died in a tragic accident.

Avoid repetition.
Do not use words twice in close proximity, and do not use the same words regularly throughout an essay. The problem usually comes in overusing the same noun that is central to your topic. Although we emphasized the importance of precision when you are describing the details of experiences, you can get away with synonyms when writing more broadly about themes and topics. For example, if your essay is about your skills in interpersonal interaction, you could use such similar phrases as communic ation strengths and building trusting relationships.

Repetitive Sentence Structure The best essays contain a variety of sentence lengths mixed within any given paragraph. Also, remember that transition is not limited to words like nevertheless, furthermore or consequently. Good transition flows from the natural thought progression of your argument. Before: I started playing piano when I was eight years old. I worked hard to learn difficult pieces. I began to love music. After: I started playing the piano at the age of eight. As I learned to play more difficult pieces, my appreciation for music deepened. On your essay: As an exercise to improve sentence variety, label each sentence short (under 10 words), medium (under 20 words), or long (20 or more words). A poor paragraph might have short, short, medium, short, short, while a good paragraph might have long, short, long, medium, short.

Passive Voice Passive-voice expressions are verb phrases in which the subject receives the action expressed in the verb. Passive voice employs a form of the word to be, such as was or were. Overuse of the passive voice makes prose seem flat and uninteresting. Before: The lessons that prepared me for college were taught to me by my mother. After: My mother taught me lessons that will prepare me for college.

32

Achieving Active Writing

Active language comes not just from avoiding passive voice but further requires the use of strong action verbs. In addition to avoiding to be verbs, you should try to replace helping verbs such as have, had, has, do, does, did and other vague verbs like got and get. Before: I had opportunities to develop my skills. After: I sought opportunities to develop my skills. Before: I got the promotion through hard work. After: I earned the promotion through hard work. Before: She did well in this competitive environment. After: She thrived in this competitive environment. Before: My mother didnt want to show up without a gift. After: My mother hesitated to show up without a gift. Before: The salesman told the audience about his products. After: The salesman promoted his products to the audience.

Use nouns and verbs rather than adverbs and adjectives.

Inexperienced writers think that using fancy adverbs and adjectives will make their writing look more eloquent, but in fact they just bog down your rhythm and usually sound like fluff. They also tend to make your writing sound abstract because they are not actual physical substances. Good writers stick to concrete nouns that the reader can grasp, and even more importantly, vivid verbs that are the lifeblood of active, engaging language. Before: I ran quickly to the board where the results would be posted, with many curious people standing around waiting anxiously to see their scores. After: I rushed to the board to find people crowded around muttering prayers to themselves as they awaited the deans arrival with their score results.

Whenever possible, use the shorter, simpler word.

You can use a thesaurus to jog your memory when you are trying to come up with a better synonym, but never use a word with which you are not already familiar. Words often have connotations and nuances of meaning that you can appreciate only after having seen them in context, so you are taking a great risk if you use a word that you do not know well. Even if you do feel comfortable with more advanced vocabulary, you should use the simpler synonym if that captures your meaning just as well. For example, instead of ameliorated the situation, you could just as easily state improved the situation. On the other hand, a word such as exasperated is more intense than a synonym like frustrated, and so you should use it if that is the sense you are trying to convey.

Over Thesaurusizing your Essay Put your thesaurus away when writing your application essay. Big words, especially when misused, detract from the essay, inappropriately drawing the readers attention and making the essay sound contrived. Before: As a neophyte in music, I attended myriad lessons. After: As a young musician, I took many lessons. 33

Essay Clichs
In everyday language, clichs are simply common expressions that are an easy way to get ones point across. For example, saying, He really put his foot in his mouth is a convenient way to make the point that He said something that he should now regret saying. What is acceptable in spoken language can be offensively bad in writing. Good writing must be original: You should instead always aim to state your ideas in engaging language and from a fresh perspective. In addition to the general clichs of the English language, you have to watch out for those that are more specific to the application essay. The challenge here is that these themes have become clichs precisely because they are valuable and significant, so you do not want to ignore them. You simply have to find fresh ways to convey hackneyed ideas. The best advice is to be as specific and personal as possible, thereby emphasizing your uniqueness. The following is a list of some of the most egregious clichs, within the context of a bland statement: As I finished the race, I realized I had learned the value of hard work and appreciated the fact that I could accomplish anything if I set my mind to it. Working in this atmosphere made me appreciate the value of diversity. With each member contributing something valuable to our purpose, I soon recognized the importance of teamwork. As the young child embraced me in gratitude, I discovered the true value of making a difference in peoples lives. That summer in New York truly broadened my horizons.

There is no way to reword the above sentences to make them significantly stronger. The problem lies in the very approach the hypothetical writer of those statements has taken. A reliance on clichs is usually indicative of superficial ideas and telling instead of showing. The only way to improve upon the above sentiments would be to enrich them with concrete details and add depth using a more personal perspective.

Ineffective Conclusions The conclusion is your last chance to persuade the admissions officers or impress upon them your qualifications. In the conclusion, avoid summary; the reader does not need to be reminded of what you wrote 500 words before. Also, do not use stock phrases such as in conclusion, in summary, to conclude, etc. You should consider the following conclusions:

Thinking it can all be done by Ms.DiDonato We will do some of this in class, but also get other people (teachers, parents, or friends) to read and comment on your essay. Have them check that you did everything on this list in your essay and ask them what they main thing that they learn about you from the essay is.

Revise, Revise, Revise. You are allowed only so many words; use them wisely. Delete anything in the essay that does not relate to your main argument. Are your introduction and conclusion more than summaries? Did you find every single grammatical error?

34

Step 7: Peer Review Authors Name __________________________ 1. 2. 3. 4. Editors Name _________________

Look for and circle grammar/spelling errors. Bracket and label awkward or difficult to understand phrases. Box weak adjectives and/or words that are too sophisticated. Cross out filler and repetitive phrases This is information that is not necessary to the controlling idea 5. Label each line as negative (N) or positive (P) portions of the essay. Does the author stay positive throughout essay? ______________ 6. Does the author have a creative lead? Remember, this IS the most important part of their essay. Give suggestions of how to make introduction more interesting. ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ 7. Identify 1 sentence that could use additional vivid details? ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ 8. Is the format correct? (12pt. Font/ Times/ Double-spaced) ________
STEP 2: Evaluate & Give Feedback Think About
Whats good? What is the writer doing well? What is ONE BIG THING this writer should do or change to improve this piece of writing? What is ONE SMALL THING this writer should do or change to improve this piece of writing? What else should this writer consider including? Any ideas or insights to add? Helpem out

Your Feedback

______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ 35

RP6 Student Feedback Rubric

Peer Review
Score / 5 Focus Area
o Your essay begins with an effective introduction that includes a mysterious and/or descriptive image. o Your body paragraphs are guided by topic statements that support your controlling point.

Final Score _____ / ____

FEEDBACK FOR YOUR REWRITE
Make sure your have a clear controlling point this doesnt have to be an argument in the persuasive sense! Make sure your controlling point is appropriately narrow and personal Push yourself try to use wording that is different from the prompt Make sure the unknowing reader has the information they need to understand your argument Your topic statements should work together to support your controlling point each body paragraph does not stand alone! Make sure each topic statement makes a DIFFERENT point Make sure you use an appropriate transition when introducing the new details think about the relationship between the first and second paragraphs Include appropriate transitions to introduce new explanations Vary the transitions you use Link paragraphs concluding statements to new paragraphs topic statements Think about your evidence and points before you determine which order to put them in Choose the BEST, richest examples choose details that support the event/person/controlling point in more than one way Use a variety of details facts, events, quotations, anecdotes, etc. Fully elaborate on the illustrating details you provide whats their significance to your controlling point? Avoid repeating your topic statement in your elaboration Avoid clichd openings Make sure a clear link exists between your creative lead and your controlling point its the lead-in! Replace vague language with specific, concrete language (action verbs) Dont tell what you think readers want to hear SHOW them Avoid repetition of words, phrases and ideas Explain your ideas clearly use as few words as possible economy of language

FOCUS _____

ORGANIZATION _____

o Your essay uses appropriate, varied transitions to introduce ideas and explanations. o Your essay transitions smoothly from one paragraph to the next. o You thought ahead your body paragraphs are in an order that makes sense!

DEVELOPMENT _____

o You develop your body paragraphs with specific, well-chosen, rich illustrating details that show rather than tell about your experience/person.

STYLE _____

o Your introduction begins with a creative lead and your conclusion makes a link back to this hook. Bookended! o You use strong, specific, descriptive language that avoids repetition or redundancy and communicates authenticity and originality. Your writing represents you!

CONVENTIONS _____

o You use formal language. You use all punctuation accurately as you compose complete sentences that vary in length and structure.

Avoid informal language or slang there is a line in personal writing: dont cross it! Use complete sentences only Spell out contractions st Limit 1 person Vary the length and structure of the sentences you use pay special attention to the way you begin sentences. Mi x it up! Final Thoughts

36

Questions to ask editor during one on one interview: Author will take notes.

What is the essay about? Have I used active voice verbs wherever possible? Is my sentence structure varied or do I use all long or all short sentences? Do you detect any clichs? Do I use transition appropriately? Do I use imagery often and does this make the essay clearer and more vivid? What is the best part of the essay? What -about the essay- is memorable? What is the worst part of the essay? Is my essay positive or negative? What parts of the essay need elaboration or are unclear? What parts of the essay do not support my main argument or are immaterial to my case? What does the essay reveal about my personality?

How would you fill in the following blank based on the essay: "I want to accept you to this college because

37

Tips from a college admission officers blog after reading countless submissions: No one wants to hear a bragger. Besides, you want to show, not tell. It is better to say, my mother, her body exhausted by years of coping with MS, never missed one of my soccer games, than to say, my mother was the toughest mom in the neighborhood! Lets start with how not to start. Here are some first lines from Common Application essays submitted last year to W&M that didnt grab the deans attentions (the opening lines are italicized).

My parents have by far been my biggest influence for working hard in school. This essay certainly had an endearing sentiment, paying tribute to the parents who had pushed the applicant to achieve great things. But a) thats a fairly common theme, b) most students in our applicant pool are high achievers so telling us about your work ethic and academic success doesnt differentiate you, c) we already know about your academic success and work ethic from your transcript and recommendations and d) this essay could easily be more about your parents than about you. Suddenly the kid who couldnt stop running had to stop. I can tell you exactly how this essay ends from the first sentence. It will describe a sports injury that came at a crucial point in the students athletic career (maybe right before a big game/meet or just as the student was trying out for the varsity squad). The injury sidelined the student and the moral of the story is either a) they learned how valuable it is to be part of a team and a cheerleader even when they cannot physically participate or b) they found another extracurricular activity as a result of this career-ending ailment. Basically they were down and out but found a silver lining. You dont want me to know how your essay ends from the first sentence. That doesnt instill in me a lot of interest in your essay. As the old adage goes, what doesnt kill youit was not until I underwent major reconstructive jaw surgery that I learned the truth behind these words. I was convinced the surgery would kill me, but, in the end, it showed me an inner strength I didnt know I had. See the previous example. In the first two sentences this essay not only provides a droll introduction but sums up the moral too. Usually theres no new information in the forthcoming five paragraphs. 874 girls, snatched from their slumber, slipped into spandex and packed like cattle into designated portions of the starting line. Granted, this is a more descriptive and captivating opening line than many who will write on the same subject but I can discern the topic from it and its a generic one; winning the big meet/game and doing so as a team. Do we value teamwork? Absolutely. Does it make for the most interesting or unique essay topic? Not so much. Think of how many other applicants can talk about a big sporting event or a big competition. Almost everyone right? The Common Application already provides you a forum in which to discuss this: the short-essay which asks you to discuss your most meaningful activity. Dont use your essay to expand upon that. Pick a different and new topic; something thats not discussed anywhere else. Even if your short essay discusses a different extracurricular activity we still know about your extracurricular involvements and accomplishments from your application. Finally, remember all of us reading your application went to high school too (some of us longer ago than others). We remember the big meets/matches/games and we had a fairly similar experience as you did. Pick something uniquely you; I cannot emphasize that enough.
38

Finally

When I signed up for the Appalachian service project I had no idea I would fall in love with the work I did for others. This might be the most clich topic of them all. Studying abroad (where the underlying point of the essay is stepping outside your comfort zone, a point made by this essay also) and attending some kind of summer academic program (be it governors school, Boys or Girls State, a National Youth Leadership Conference or something similar) run a close second and third. Again I can dictate to you the rest of these essays from their opening lines. Youll describe the deplorable conditions in which those you served lived or the place you traveled to or the program you attended. Youll discuss how attached you became to the individuals you worked with and those you worked for (youll do this regardless of which of the three topics youre addressing). Youll be sure to tell us that you had no idea that those who are less fortunate can still be happy/loving/content with life or that you gained a new worldview based on interacting with those from different cultures. And youll be sure to let us know that you can wait to do it again. I know that all of that may sound a bit cynical; its not intended as such. It just underscores the point Ive made multiple times that theres really only one way to write these types of essays, and you will be far from the only person writing them (in fact I usually see at least 20-30 such essays each week). The point of the essay is to tell me something unique about you; something I dont already know and something that helps distinguish you from the other highly-qualified applicants. This essay fails to accomplish any of these tasks. The lessons you learned from a service trip or studying abroad or a summer program are certainly valuable but theyre not the stuff college admission officers dream of reading.

Keep in mind that the decisions these applicants received are unknown to me. No doubt, some of them were admitted because even though their essays did not move the committee, other aspects of their application did. No doubt some of these students were denied because their credentials werent overly competitive and the essay did not prove to be a positive tip factor. The purpose of this blog is not to correlate essays with admission decisions but to instead give the readers an idea of some clich, unoriginal and predictable essay topics and styles to try and avoid.

39