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The Fifth Agreement: Grief and Agreements

Prepared for Amy Tucker BBUS 272 Sec 01

Prepared by Gina Davies 123456789

May 21, 2012

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[Type text] The Fifth Agreement: Grief and Agreements

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Death is something that we cannot hide from, run from, or escape, it is inevitable. Each and every one of us at some point in our lives, we will have to deal with the death of someone we know or someone we love. At this point we will have to learn how to navigate the five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Grief can be felt at different magnitudes and different times. For some of us, we will be able to slowly negotiate our way through these stages, while for others it will be the hardest thing we will have to do in our lives. The five agreements that, Don Miguel Ruiz, Don Joe Ruiz, and Janet Mills, describe in their book, The Fifth Agreement: A Practical Guide to SelfMastery, have the ability to make this journey more manageable. Their agreements are: Be Impeccable with Your Word, Don't Take Anything Personally, Don't Make Assumptions, Always Do Your Best, and Be Skeptical, but Learn to Listen. Their agreements encourage you to adopt a constructive attitude towards life. By being optimistic, you are armed with more tools to tackle some of the most difficult times in your life. The five agreements allow you to simplify your life, which in turn will make confronting the five stages of grief easier. By relating the five stages of grief, to the agreements presented in The Fifth Agreement: A Practical Guide to Self-Mastery, I will explore my continued search for peace with the recent death of my father. Denial is the first stage in the long journey of grief and to try to be impeccable through this stage can be a battle in itself. Denial is rejecting the truth, because you do not want to believe it or, when dealing with someones death, you cannot handle it. To be impeccable, is to be truthful to yourself, even when facing something as difficult as the loss of a loved one. For me, my denial was so deeply rooted that every time the phone rang I

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believed that it was my dad. I believed that someone, somehow, had made a mistake and that he was still alive. This proved to be detrimental to me because instead of being impeccable, I used the power of the word against (38) myself. I would not let myself believe that he was truly gone. It was not until I realized that awareness of the truth is the first step of selfmastery (56) and the only thing that would help me move on. I now truly believe that when youre impeccable with your word, you never betray yourself (38). I think that The Fifth Agreement: A Practical Guide to Self-Mastery reminds us of a fundamental concept that we are taught as young children, tell the truth. Anger, the second stage of grief, is directly connected to the second agreement, Dont Take Anything Personally (41). I believe that, this stage and the second agreement are directly connected because I took my fathers death to be a personal assault on my family as a whole. Why him, why me, why us? What did we do wrong to do deserve this loss? Here was a man that devoted his life to helping others, sacrificed time with his family so that other people could be with theirs. It did not seem fair, that he was taken from us. I think my anger got the best of me for a long time, and I eventually got to a point where I did not even recognize myself. I think that the Fifth Agreement: A Practical Guide to Self-Mastery, does a good job demonstrating how I felt during this time. Don Miguel Ruiz, Don Jose Ruiz, and Janet Mills, explain how you come to the conclusion that you dont even know yourself, because youve been acting for so long that youve mastered pretending to be what you are not (53). I had to stop questioning his death and come to terms with that fact that he was gone, because blaming everyone for his death was not going to bring him back. When you finally realize that not everyone is out to get you, and its something so simple and

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logical: Dont take anything personally (54). Once you Dont Take Anything Personally (41), you can overcome your anger. Dont Make Assumptions is the third agreement and it helps to explain the third stage of grief which is bargaining. Bargaining is like making an assumption, and making assumptions is all about thinking (69). To bargain you have to think about what you are willing to give up, in order to get something in return. You have to stop and ask yourself, What am I bargaining for? The truth doesnt need to prove itself; it exists whether we believe in it or not, (58) because nothing you give up will ever bring your loved one back. This is the stage I struggled with the most. I wanted to believe that by giving something up, or by being a better person, I could get my dad back. There were so many nights that I would beg or bargain with god for him. But in the end I had to stop bargaining, because if we dont make assumptions, we can focus our attention on the truth, not on what we think is the truth (70). This was the only way to move forward, by bargaining was I only making my journey harder. Not making assumptions gives you immunity in the interaction that you have with yourself, with your voice of knowledge (69). I believe that this shows that it is only when you stop making assumptions and become true to yourself, and true to the situation that you can truly begin to heal. Depression is the fourth stage of grief, and for some, it can be the hardest stage. Depression, can eat you up inside, it is an uncontrollable feeling of sadness, helplessness, and loneliness. This stage can be especially difficult for someone that has lost a loved one or a family member as they are deeply connected. The fourth agreement, Always Do Your Best, is extremely relevant during this stage of grief because your best is, in fact, the only thing you can do (86). You can do your best, and thats it. No more, no less (86), even if

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that means only getting through that minute, that hour, that day. This is concept is so important to never lose sight of, particularly when you are dealing with the loss of a loved one. I think that even though depression is a stage by itself, it is also felt through every stage of grief. There are definitely times where you will be more responsive to the different feelings that depression can provoke, but it can always be an underlying factor. Initially I did not struggle with this stage as much as most people probably do, I think it is because of the amazing support system that I have. However, now that it has been a couple years, since my dads death, I have started to struggle with feelings of depression more and more. Its not that I have not lost my support system, but after the first year people think it should not hurt as much. Just as that hurt is supposed to disappear slowly, I feel like a lot of the time the support starts to fade away. I believe it is important to try to aware by the fourth agreement through the first stages of grief because no matter what the stage; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, or acceptance, you should try to Always Do Your Best (83). Acceptance is the final stage of grief, and probably the hardest. This stage can take some people a long time to process. In The Fifth Agreement: A Practical Guide to SelfMastery, the fifth agreement is Be Skeptical, But Learn to Listen (97). Learning to listen to you is the most important part of acceptance and healing. The truth doesnt come with words. The truth is silent. Its something that you just know; its something that you can feel without words, and its called silent knowledge (110). I know that he is gone, but to actually believe and accept that he will miss the rest of the milestones in my life breaks my heart. Im not sure if that will ever become easier, but I do have to accept that he will not be there. Over the years I have learned to listen to myself, and when I need support I ask for it. But the key is to listen, (103) to yourself and how your coping. I have learned that maybe he is not

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be here, but he lives on in, my mum, my brother, and my sister. I have learned to accept that my life is not what I thought it would be, but that does not mean it is not and will not be a good one. By analyzing the five stages grief and their relationship to the five agreements it becomes apparent how beneficial these agreements could be when dealing with loss of someone. At first, I did not like The Fifth Agreement: A Practical Guide to Self-Mastery. I thought that it was just another self-help book, trying to take advantage of people that have lost all hope. But as I worked through the agreements and started to relate them to my life, and the struggles I have gone through, especially in the past couple years, I started to appreciate it more. I think that the authors make some very interesting arguments, and that living by their agreements can in fact make peoples lives easier. Dealing with loss is not easy. But if you stop, take a minute, and simplify your feeling into one or all five agreements it can help to make your grief more manageable to cope with. First you must start by being truthful to yourself, not taking things personally, stop making assumptions, always do the best that you can do, but most importantly learn to listen to yourself. My struggle is definitely not over, but after reading this book I will make an effort to try and simplify my life. I hope by doing so it will help me to move forward.

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Ruiz, Miguel, Jose Luis Ruiz, and Janet Mills. The Fifth Agreement: A Practical Guide to Self-Mastery. San Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen Pub., 2010. Print.