1980.054.0005b Diary Stephen DeForest Hopkins1 (sheet one) Sunday August 29th 1858 A pleasant day.

. Arose this morning at 7. awoke earlier but lay thinking a little while before getting up. About 9 came up to my room. wrote a few lines to Lizzie2 Went to church at 10. found Lizzie there in her old place just back of me. As we came out had an oportunity to see the dear face again for a few moments. There's a different look about it. from anything I ever saw there have seen beforee. a. wearied. look. such a wearied tired look as I never saw there. She did not bow or recognise me. other, than by a look. Came Home, sat down by the window in the parlor. read till Sister3 came. she brought me a little package. from Lizzie. read a few minutes longer. then went up stairs to read what she had sent me. dreamed overit a little while. then went down stairs. She seems to have spent the week rather pleasantly. she has friends. They seem to be trying to make it pleasant for her. and they can. for they have the power and the means. Lay down on the sofa. till nearly 4. did not sleep any. then went into the parlor again. by the window. read till nearly 5. then came up and wrote a few lines to give Lizzie to night at church. To church when the time came. As we passed her Aunts. saw them. looking out of the window. she shook her handkerchief I stopped a moment. beckoned for her to come down. intended giving her my note then. she left the window but I couldn't stay, the girls were way far ahead. walking pretty fast and someone else was coming up the walk so I had to leave. When service was over. we came out together. gave her my note, beforee coming out of church. and we came down together as far as Auntie's. There was no need of my giving the note. for I could have told her all that was in it coming down. but perhaps twas as well. She will not see me during the week. but will come over to Home. the day beforee I go away. As I left her at Auntie's could not resist the impulse to put my arm about her just an instant. Came Home. sat down. on the steps outside. for I was very warm. for a little while. then came in lay down on the sofa till nearly 10. then came up and went to bed. did not feel like writing. Have never felt beforee as I did to night. twas something strange to me. something I cannot describe. indeed I don't know as think I know what it was. I guess. Flinty describes it as well as any word. Went to sleep about past 11. Monday August 30th Cloudy and looking like rain early in the morning. sort of half cleared up and the sun came out beforee noon. then cloudy again in the afternoon. Got up at past 6 Busy around the House till past 10. then went over to Dr Little4 to have my foot fixed. as I want to. if possible. wear a boot. a whole one next week. He performed the operation in
1 2

Stephen DeForest Hopkins (1834-1915), son of Heman Keyes Hopkins and Mary Tyrrell Hopkins Elizabeth Goodwin Sheldon, later Hopkins (1838-1919), dau. of Nathaniel Edson Sheldon and Abigail Sheldon 3 Mary Eliza Hopkins Waite (1836-?) 4 Dr.George W. Little (1835-1911), son of Russell Mack Little and Nancy Blair Little

workmanlike style. quick. and as easily as could be expected. It hurt a little. and feeling like drinking. asked for some water. Doc brought me the water. with brandy in it. I asked no questions as to what it was. but drank it and felt better after it. Came Home about 11. Sat. or rather lay on the sofa. till nearly 5. talking to Mary. playing B.G. and listening to her, reading. Theres a pretty good prospect of my being kept in the House a few days. .rather close. Hope it will be well enough to let me go away from here next week as I intended. T'will have to be pretty bad to keep me. One good thing about it. t'will keep me in the House and on this side of the River.5 as I'll not be troubling Lizzie. wish she knew it. she could go where ever she had a mind wished to. then without seeing me or having the fear beforee her of meeting me. Came up in my room after about 5. there till after 6. busy with my book journal. it has been hard work to write some of the time as this sheet will show. my foot has pained me. considerably. but I have written something. After tea at past 7. came up and passed a little. listening to the girls talk. Came up and went to bed at 10. Tuesday August 31st. Clear and sunshiney. cloudy and showery during the whole day. rather mixed. My foot kept me awake some towards morning. and when I did get to sleep. over slept myself and did not get up till nearly 8. Passed the morning lying on the sofa or sitting in the rocking chair by the window. reading. talking and thinking. After dinner came up to my room and was there till nearly 2. then down stairs. to my old usual place on the sofa. passed the time as during the morning. till almost 4 when I came up to my room again. there till nearly 5. scribbling and trying to study some. then down stairs again. After tea Bill Peat6 & Belle Wright7 called. they came out and talked to me a few minutes beforee going away. Dick Rice came in about 8 to play B.G. with Sister. while I lay on the sofa listening to the talk. and feeling rather blue and lonely. My foot pained me considerably after 4 o clock. and that with some rather unpleasant thoughts and feeling. as to my present condition and future prospects. Lizzies unhappiness and my own inability to help her any now in bearing the heavy burden. all combined made me any thing but aimiable. Came up to bed at 10. got to sleep between 11 & 12 sometime. Wednesday September 1st A beautiful. clear. day. Got up at past 6. After breakfast came up to my room and wrote up my journal for yesterday. Went down stairs intending to get ready and go over the River. to have my foot dressed. but found I could get nothing on my foot it to wear. and so had to give u the notion was vexed to think I had got to stay at Home. more than all else at the thought I should have to stay here next week perhaps. instead of going away as I anticipated. Doesn't seem as though I ought to. or could stay here another week. tis so much time lost Lay down on the sofa. read and thought a while. then fussed with my foot a little while. then thummed. then back to my book & my thoughts again. The girls had gone over the River. and when they came back about 12. brought the news that Hattie Locke8 & Fred Johnson9 were
5 6

The Hudson River Possibly William Peat (1835-?) 7 Isabella Wright (1840-?), dau. of M. and Isabelle Wright 8 Harriet Elizabeth Locke Johnson (1837-1910), dau. of Ira A. Locke and Harriet Maria Roberts Locke

married this morning. well he has got a good wife. and presume she has a good usband. probably they are suited. Thoughts of their happiness and bright future. brought back very forcibly. from contrast. the unhappy thoughts and feelings of last night. I don't mean to complain. whatever fortune comes to me is undoubtedly just such as I deserve. I know where to place the blame of all this. that is upon myself. if I has done as I ought. should have saved myself and others another much unhappiness After dinner played B.G. with Mary.10 till after 2, then read and talked a while. The girls started off for the woods at past 3. and about 4 I came up to my room. and wrote some in my journal. After this put my head down on my arm and slept a few minutes After tea S. Johnson called. I fixed up and went across the road got a cigar. sat and talked a talked a few minutes there. then back to the House again just as Sate was going away. the girls went across the Bridge with her.and in the meantime I sat by the window in the parlor. thinking. smoking and enjoying the evening as well as I could. After the girls came back sat out in the sitting room and talked till bed time. of old times. and all sorts of things among the rest of the "Ride To Union Village." Went to my room at 10. Commenced to night. reading in the Bible. beforee going to sleep. (sheet two) Thursday Sept 2d A beautiful. bright clear day.Got up at 7. After breakfast. Doc Little called. and took me over the River to the office to have my foot dressed. after twas done hobbled Home. the best way I could. got back about 10. Passed Fannie11 near the P.O. but as she seemed very much engaged in reading the superscriptions on some letters and papers. in her hands did not disturb her. and passed without speaking. Found Mary Wells12 and Mat S here. talked to the Ladies a few moments they went away soon. then Mary and I played one game of B.G. After this came up and. wrote. two or three lines. to send to Lizzie. by Sister. as she would probably meet her at the Sewing Circle this afternoon. Had to tell her. perhaps. after all. I could not go away next week. it makes me feel ashamed. guilty. to have to write this to her. but there was no help for it that I could see. The girls went over the River about 11. and I sat down to read. Lola Montez's Lextures13, read till nearly 2. then wrote a few lines to Father. then read again till 3. After this sat by the window in the parlor. a short time. Gert Hawley14 & Minnie Cronkhite15 called. stopped a moment at the door only. and talked to me. Came up to my room about past 3 and wrote in my journal. Was sitting reading about 5. when Will16 came. we talked till tea time. then after that went over to Dick Rices. sat on the steps and talked till after 7 came Home sat
9

Frederick Avery Johnson (1833-1893), son of Frederick A. Johnson and Clara B. Johnson Not Mary Hopkins, but a friend or relative staying with the family 11 Probably Fannie Burnham (1836-?), dau. of Colin and Orinda Burnham. See letters 1980.054.0001b and .0008b 12 Mary Wells (1835-?), dau. of Amos and Sarah Wells 13 Lectures of Lola Montez (Countess of Landsfeld) including her Autobiography (1858) 14 Gertrude E. Hawley (1839-?), dau. of George G. and Eliza Goodrich Hawley 15 Minnie Cronkhite (1838-?), dau. of George and Pamelia Cronkhite 16 Probably William Waite (1835-?), who later married Mary Eliza
10

down on the steps. a few minutes when Sister and Addie17 came. went into the sitting room. and after talking a little while. Addie & I played 2 games B.G. while Sister played for us. Add was feeling very blue about some thing. asked her when she saw Lizzie last. saw her a moment this morning. at M. Pecks.18 asked no more questions. as the subject was evidently not a pleasant one. After we had finished our Backgammon. went into the parlor. and all sat talking till past 9. I thummed some as usual. When they were gone Sister told me she had seen Lizzie at Mr Pecks.16 she was not at the Circle gave her my note.&c. talked till 10. then came up to my room. went to bed at past 10. Friday Sept 3d Cloudy and trying to rain. Got up at past 6. after breakfast. read till past 9. when Little came. took me over the River. and dressed my foot. Went up to the book store got a paper. waited for the Mail at the office. and came Home about 11. Read the news till dinner. and after it till past 1 when I came up and wrote up my journal. then copied some of it. and putting my head. down on my arm. had a short nap. Went down stairs about past 4. sat in the sitting room reading a letter while then when it stopped raining. went into the parlor to my chair and window. read till tea time. and after it. as long as I could see then sat in the twilight. thinking till past 7. Came out into the sitting room. and while Sister was busy shoemaking. I read Atlantic19 to her. Could not help wishing. that Lizzie could have been with us t'would be so pleasant to spend the evenings. with her in this manner Read till 10. then came up to my room. and to bed almost past 10 Had passed rather a pleasant evening. because I had been busy myself. and done some thing to amuse others. Saturday Sept 4th. Rather a pleasant day. Up at past 6. Read till past 9. then walked over the River to the Doct. went though the usual performances. waited for the mail. then came Home after 11. Found Mary here when I came back. she has been away since Thursday. talked to her till dinner time. After dinner came up to my room. and dressed my self. as Sister was going to have some of the Ladies over to tea. Went over the River at past 2. to see some of the boys and have them come over in the evening. Came Home about 4. found Add here. played 3 games B.G. with her. then came up stairs. have copied some of my journal. and written thus far since I've been here. Went down stairs. about past 5. talked to the Ladies till tea time. After tea played backgammon with Add till some of the Gents came. then the rest of the evening passed as it usually does talking and laughing: those that wished to and could danced. I of course did not participate. while that was going on I played backgammon with S. John. passed quite a pleasant evening. Its now nearly 12. the company has been gone a few minutes and I am again alone in my own room. The week is ended. it has been a pretty long one. the days have moved slowly. and it has been quite matter of fact. probably as much so as a week could be to any one. still there have been some pleasant spots in it. Tis late. and I must again say "Good Night darling"
17 18

Probably Addie Fassett Probably Mary Peck (1843-?), dau. of William and Hannah Peck. William Peck was a druggist; his son Reuben would later take over the store 19 The Atlantic Monthly, founded in 1857

God bless you and make you always happy. is my constant prayer. Think of me often. dearest. as soon hoping. ever looking forward to. (yes. and soon as working to bring it soon to us) that happy day when I may call you my wife. I ask God every day to marry us hasten. in his own good time. that day. and He will grant the request. if I only am good or try to be as good as I can. and ask. for this great blessing as I ought Once more "Good Night dearest" bright. beautiful dreams to night. every night and may the coming week be a happy. a pleasant one for you. Sunday Sept 5th. A bright. beautiful day. Got up at 7 After breakfast came up to my room. copied some of my journal and wrote some to Lizzie. Did not go to Church this morning After the girls were gone. sat down and fussed with my foot. a while. then read till they came Home. When Sister came she brought me something from Lizzie. Came up to my room at 1. read what she had written. and thought over it for a time. then down stairs again. there till church time in the evening. passed the time lying on the sofa sleeping. sitting about here and there talking, &c. went to church at 7. got there early so we all sat down on the steps to wait till some one else came. before going in. Lizzie came after a while in her old place as usual. The services were very pleasant. Lizzie and I came out together. and down as far as the corner by Mr Phelps. Came Home. took a cigare smoked till nearly 10 then while Sister was writing a letter. talked to Mary till 11 Came up stairs and lay down at past 11. Have thought a great deal during the day and eve. of what Lizzie wrote in her journal. Felt grieved and sad when I read how unhappy she is. or at least. was. one night. I can't bear to think that I could help her. that I could take it away. and in so doing make us both happier. There's but one way in which this can be done. that will bring us both pain at first. and I know will make one of us. unhappy for a long time to come. God give me strength to do what is right. and best. for her happiness let come what will. Monday Sept 6th. Another beautiful day. up at past 6. woke about past 5. but lay thinking a little while. Thummed the piano. a little. before breakfast. About 9 sat down and played B.G. with Mary for a little while. then. went over the River. there till. the mail came. then came Home. found a letter on this side for Sister. telling her that she could have the situation she has applied for in [Tenn?]. and now she will leave nothing keeping her. week after next. Played B.G. with Mary before dinner. and after dinner a little while. then sat and talked. to her till 4 when I came up to my room and wrote up my journal. (sheet three) Went over the River at past 6. started down street a little before 7 as I passed the House saw Lizzie with her mother and Aunt sitting on the steps. Went down to Sate Johnsons. the girls had gone down to Mary Adams20 to tea. and were coming back to Sates in the morning. to play

20

Mary Adams (1836-?), dau. of Lodice Adams

euchre. Talked to Emmet & Sarah21 till 8 o clock. then the girls not coming, concluded they weren't going to. and so started out to get them. met them. and we went in. and spent the rest of the evening till 10 playing Euchre &c. Came Home and went to bed. Tuesday Sept 7th. A bright. pleasant. day. Arose as 7. After I went over the River. found Hall. and spent the rest of the morning till 11. walking around and talking to him. Came Home. found Fannie B. here talked to her and the girls a while. then when she went away. played B.G. with Mary till dinner time. After dinner lay down on the sofa and slept till 2. succeeded in sleeping off a head ache and felt better after waking. went over the River. had my foot attended to for the last time I hope. then Doc and I went down to see H. Cool's new building.22 As I passed the House. saw Lizzie sitting on the porch. writing. she saw me. looked up. smiled and bowed. she was there still when I came back. but did not look up. was very busy with her writing. Came Home. read a few minutes. then came up to my room and dressed myself to go to Belle Wrights this evening. came down thummed till tea time. then went over the River about past 6. Found Hall and Little at the store. Emmet came in soon. and we all sat down and smoked. Hall had no invitation to go up. and would not go without one. so I went up. to get one for him. Came back Saw Add at the door. a moment. Lizzie was not there. she did not know whether she had been invited or not. said she had been past there riding with Mr Burleigh.23 Came back with the invitation. and went up again a little after 8 with Hall. There was quite a party out. the time was filled up with dancing. talking and laughing supper was pleasant. can't say that I enjoyed myself. very much though. I danced twice. a reel. and money musk. the last time to make out the number. Just before coming away. asked Belle why Lizzie did n't come. never thinking for a moment but that she was invited was rather. took down. by the answer I got. She kind o laughed and said "she guessed the principal reason was she was'nt invited I had to stop somewhere you know DeF " I thought this rather a strange place to stop at. but said nothing. Came away about 11 After we got Home sat and talked till past 12. of the incident of the evening. t'was rather amusing after all. taking everything into consideration. Seemed as though Sate and I had rather "put our feet in it" several times during the afternoon and eve. in speaking of Lizzie not being there. Went to sleep about 1. Wednesday Sept 8th. Pleasant. rather warm. Got up about 7 Went over the River about 9. took a note around to Gert Hawly for Sister then went up to the Book Store. while standing there Fannie passed. spoke to her. about the weather. then came over Home came up and write up my journal. Went over the River again about 11. waited for the mail came Home. Had a Storm after dinner. a Pic-nic about 5. and finished the day by a dance in River Hall. rather an eventful day. what a good thing it is we can't read each others thoughts. Know what is going on in each others minds. Returned at 11.
21 22

Sarah "Sate" M. (1838-?) and Emmet T. Johnson (1836-?), children of Frederick A. Johnson and Clara B. Johnson Heman J. Cool (1798-?), a prosperous cabinetmaker 23 Probably Henry Gordon Burleigh (1832-1900), later a congressman for New York's 17th and 18th districts

Thursday Sept. 9th Warm and pleasant got up at 7. After breakfast went over the River. found Hall & Fred. and passed the morning till 11. talking & then. Came Home talked to the girls till dinner. Went over the River about a little before 2. stopped a few minutes at Littles. then. went up to the Book Store. and sat there reading and looking at the people till 4 when I came Home. Played B.G. with Mary. Thummed the piano. and sat by the window in the parlor reading and thinking till tea time. After that went over the River about 7. Went down to Add; sat on the steps talking a few minutes. Will came and I concluded to leave. He said Lizzie was at the Society this afternoon. Add had told me the same before Came up to the Hotel.24 found Fred. and the rest of the evening till nearly 10 was passed walking around the streets. or sitting on the Hotel steps. talking. Came Home lay down on the sofa. got to sleep. woke up at 11. and went to bed. Friday Sept 10th. Warm and pleasant again Arose at past 6. copied some of my journal before breakfast. after that sat by the window in the parlor reading till nearly 10. then came up and copied and wrote up my journal. Went over the River at 11. Passed the afternoon sitting by the parlor window reading a little. thinking and sleeping. Came up stairs to my room. about 5. scribbled some. then back to the window again till tea time. After tea Went over the River. about past 6. Went down to Adds. she was not at home. but while I was talking to her mother she came. sat down on the steps and talked a few minutes After a while Dick Rice came. I staid a little time after this then came away. Went up to the Hotel. stood there a few moments then about 8 came over Home. Played 3 games B.G. with Mary. then Dick R came in and we talked to him. After he went away lay down on the sofa. listening to the others talking. and saying something now and then myself. fell a sleep after a time. woke up at 11. came up and went to bed. Saturday Sept 11th Raining when I woke up. rained some during the morning. stopped before noon. Got up at past 6. breakfast at 7. as Mary was to leave at 8. Played one game of B.G. with Mary before she went. our last one probably for a long time to come Went over the River with her when the stage came. Read the news then about 10 went up to Freds room with him and passed an hour talking and playing euchre. Came Home about 11. found a letter for me from St Louis. advising me not to come there now. as t'was too late. for the Fall Trade. but to come in Jany. well I know one place where not to go. Came up to my room and wrote some in my journal before dinner. and now dinner is over. and I am here again. Have got something disagreeable to tell you Lizzie. have been putting it off since Monday. Sister will leave here for her situation in [Tenn?] week after next. the first of the week. She will have to go alone of course. the greater portion of the way. I shall not leave here. till she does. then go with her as far as Troy or New York. do what I can towards getting her started right for her situation. Presume you will be disappointed to hear this. I am sorry it has happened so. but I can't
24

Probably the Union Hotel or the Glens Falls Hotel

help it. tis the only thing I can do for it does not seem right. for me to start off and leave her here to get ready and go away alone. Believe me t'was a difficult task for me to make up my mind to wait. when I know she told me. she was to go It does seem as though. t'was fated I am not to leave here. but I will keep trying. shall get away after a time. It is anything but pleasant or agreeable. for me to stay here. in this way. making up my mind to go one week and having something come up before the time comes to keep me. I can't tell you how uncomfortable. miserable I have been here this week. how uncomfortable. Home. has become to me. Believe Wednesday was one of the most unpleasant days in my life. t'was a good thing (sheet four) there was something going on. by which I could forget my self. You must not let my staying here. make any difference. with you with your plans for enjoying yourself next week. any thing that I can do to further them. to further your happiness in any way. I will do gladly. willingly. you must tell me. darling. if I can you wish me to do anything. Went over the River at 3. Stood around at the Hotel steps a while after a time Will came over. and we sat there and talked some time. then went down to Dans. was there reading and talking till after 5. when I came home. Thummed a little. and sat by the window thinking. till tea. after it went over the River about past 6. Went down to Dans. enquired for Will. he had just gone down. started after him. had a book I wanted to give him. thought I should find him at Adds. as I passed the House, saw Lizzie sitting on the steps. all alone. she bowed and smiled. Overtook Will by the corner. spoke to him a moment then turned about and came back. As I passed this time Lizzie spoke to me. asked me. what day I was going away next week. I had to tell her I was not going at all. but was going with Sister the week after. as I turned to come away met her mother. rather near us. Came up to the Hotel found Fred on the steps. talked to him a while. and came Home at 9. Lay down on the sofa. till past 9. then came up to my room. have written a few lines in my journal. Tis late and I must to sleep. Gods richest blessings rest upon you. always. dearest. kind angels guard and watch over you. help you to walk in that path that leads to eternal life. May the coming week be a pleasant one. for you. "Good Night darling." sweet slumbers. pleasant dreams. and a happy morrow. Sunday Sept 12th A bright pleasant day. cool and like Fall Got up about past 7. After breakfast came up to my room and copied some of my journal. then wrote a few lines to Lizzie. Went to church at the usual time. found the services over.the church filled. took a seat back with the choir. and listened to a Funeral sermon. Lizzie was there too just in front of me. Waited after church till they had mostly left to most of them had gone then Lizzie came out into the Hall and I gave her my journal. receiving hers in return. Shall never forget that sad yet tender expression upon the dear faceas she stood there. looking at me so earnestly. for those few moments It haunted me all day long. it told a story. of itself alone. Came Home and up to my own room read her journal then sat thinking over it for a long time. and at last. determined to write to her. .

offering to do all I can. all that lies in my power. to make her life happier. T'was a difficult undertaking. but I did the best I could. t'was a long. painful. task. Went over the River a little before 7. found a letter from Father. but as I had no time to read it put it away in my pocket. stood on the Hotel steps talking to Fred a little while then we went up to Church. Took my usual seat. but as Sister was not there occupied her place. did not see Lizzie then as I came in. turned around and took a look at the congregation. did not see her. supposed she would be in soon. with her escort she had told me she was to have to night. as I turned my face again saw Aunt H looking back and smiling. looked to see who t'was could see no one till until in a few moments I saw Lizzie's face. just poking around a gentleman's shoulder. and sitting beside him. the identical Henry B I knew him in a moment. and knew what the smiling meant. Was astonished for I had not expected him to be with her. The services were as pleasant as they always are. and the sermon good. When I came out. joined Fred at the gate and we came down together. had an oportunity to give Lizzie what I had written in the afternoon. Went down to the Methodist Church to hear the new Minister but the people were coming away so came back passed Lizzie near the House. came up to the Hotel talked a while then came Home. lay on the sofa till past 9 talking then came up to my room. sat thinking a little while. then happened to think of my letter from Father. took it out and read it. It contained good news such good news. We are out of debt. the House clear and our Home yet Took it down and read to Mother. talked sometime over it. then came up and wrote a letter to Father to send away in the morning and to try and counteract the effects of my latest epistle. written Wednesday. Don't know what time I went to bed. but t'was late. All my prospects seemed to brighten. with this letter. and I only wished for one thing. that I could tell it to Lizzie. Monday Sept 13.th A beautiful day. clear. cool and pleasant. Was up at past 5. and over the River soon after with my letter. Came Home. read till breakfast. After it thummed a little. then came up to my room. studied a little and wrote up my journal for the day past. Went over the River about 11. to the P.O. came Home at 12 Over the River again at past 2. spent the afternoon sitting on the Hotel steps talking. and hearing them talk. Saw Lizzie come down from her House. go over to the office and then go Home. Came Home at 5 Went back again about past 6. talked to Fred a few moments then went down to Dans about 7. found Will and we started down street to Adds. stood at the gate a few minutes talking to her then went around with Will to get a thicker coat. went back to Adds again. and spent the rest of the evening till nearly 9 there. laughing and talking. &c Was around the street a little while after coming up. then we went down and saw them playing billiards. will the mail came about 10. After it was distributed. Fred and I had a long talk. till after 11. then came Home and up to my room about past 11. T'was the last. quiet chat. Fred and I expect to have together for a long time to come. he leaves for the North on a hunting expedition to morrow and before he gets back I expect to be away. He has been. and is now. a good friend to me. the firmest and best among all the boys. Have been uneasy and restless all day. longing so much to see and talk to Lizzie just a few moments.

Tuesday Sept 14th Pleasant. fall weather. Up at 7. Something happened this morning. that has made me feel very strongly all day Have worn a ring of Lizzies. upon the engagement finger. since one Tuesday night last winter. this morning about 8. as I was wiping my hands. after washing. the ring broke. and in the strongest part of it apparently. As I looked at it The thought came to me like a flash. was it an omen. that our engagement. should be broken also. It fairly brought a faint sickening sensation to me. how awful after breakfast read and wrote some. till nearly 10. then went over the River. read the news a while. then went up to Freds room with him and helped him pack up. after that was done. sat down and talked a few minutes. then came down to the P.O. Came Home at past 11. found a letter from Father. requiring an answer immediately so sat down and answered it. then about 12 went over the River again to see Fred start. Was over about hald an hour.bed Fred "Good Bye" and came Home. Came up to my room. put my head down on my arm a few minutes. and slept. then wrote up my journal Have seen Lizzie this afternoon. The broken ring. spoke to me truly. Our dream is fast vanishing away. our engagement must be broken so she tells me. there is no hope for anything else. All our hopes our bright dreams of happiness with each other. must be put away from us. All the bright happy hours we have passed together. for so long. must be looked upon hereafter as among the "Bye gones" Oh! that I should ever [inter?] this. T'is hard. oh! so hard to bear. I have loved her as my own life. with my whole strength. loved her. this love for her has become my nature. and now after it all. I must put it all away from me. crush it out from my heart. and try to forget. her. twill take long years for me to do this if I ever can. Worse than all else shall have this bitterest thoughts of all to haunt. me. that I have embittered her, whole life. that I have caused her all this suffering. all this pain. rendered (sheet five) her desperate. careless. as to what fortune comes to her. here or hereafter taken away from her. now. in the very spring time of life, all hope of happiness. all desire as it were to be happy. God forgive me for all this. and help her to bear all this trouble. as she should. soften her heart. and if it must be. help her to forget me entirely. as though I had never been Tis right that I should suffer. but it seems hard that she too should have to bear so much. she who is so good. so lovely. so kind. Would that I could help her. Every heart has its skeleton. hid away in some dark corner. looking out upon our life. with its jeering grinning ghastly face. coming to us rattling its dry bones in the midst of our joys and pleasures. to remind us of what once was. what "might have been [born?]" My skeleton has come at last. and now it seems as though it would crush my very life out of me. ink it long [?] there is little room for it to rest now in my heart so it must e'en make a tomb for itself. every stone of which is in it were a disappointed hope. a memory og departed joys. of bright happy hours gone never to return With all the rest comes that maddening. crushing thought. Lizzie. my own darling. all that I had to call my own. the only one that ever called me darling. that loved me so much. was so good. so

kind to me. my darling no longer. but anothers now. Oh my heart will break. how can I bear it. Oh God help me [Blank to bottom of page. Last few lines spotted with two tears.] Wednesday Sept 14. Looked like rain in the morning. but cleared up before noon. and was cloudy. and sunshiny through the day. Got up at 7. After breakfast up in my room reading and writing till nearly 11. then went over the River to the P.O. came Home immediately. sat by the window in the sitting room reading. or trying to. and thinking. After dinner up in my room till past 1. then went down to Sandy Hill25 with Dick Rice. on this side of the River. Got back at 3. went over the River. staid at the Book Store. till nearly 5. then came over Home with Fannie Burnham. she staid to tea. and at 7. Sister and I went up Home with her. then over to Mr Kinneys. for a short call and back Home a little after 8. spent the rest of the evening lying on the sofa. till 10. when I came up and wentt to bed. Have carried a heavy heart with me. all this day long. so heavy. so sad. and thus it must be for a long tiem to come. weary days. weary months and years to look forward to. This cannot be put away lightly or without pain. I have loved with my whole strength. it has been no boys or childs love. that a days absence will cause to be forgotten and a few tears wash away. Have loved with a mans strength. and as a man. must suffer. God help me to be patient. to keep all my good resolutions. and bless. my darling. help her. and comfort her. now when she needs it so much. Thursday Seot 15. A rainy day. dusk. gloomy and dismal Woke rather early but did not get up till 7. After breakfast read and wrote some as usual. Went over to the P.O. and the Book Store at 11. After dinner sat around the House a little while then went over to the store talked and played checkers with Dick R. Went over the River about past 3. talked to Doc Little till nearly 5 then went down to Addies there till past 5 then came Home. Over the River again soon after 6. Started down street. as I passed the House saw Lizzie standing in the door. stopped. and spoke to her. she said. it rained so she could not go to the society. asked her if she had any thing for me. yes. wait and she would bring it. talked with Mr Little while she was gone. She came out to the gate and gave me the letter. I spoke a few words more with her then someone coming into the sitting room she had to leave me. Next down to Addies. she gave me a light in the parlor and I read my letter. Friday Sept 16. Clear and pleasant. Fall weather. About 8 as I was dressing Will called for me to go down to the Station with him.and I went. Got down there about 9. when the Train came Will went away intending to go to Fort Edward. and walk back. but instead he went up farther met the Fright Train.and came down on it at past 11. I occupied the time while he was gone. walking the platforms. and thinking. Came Home at past 12. Found Mr Comstocks people from Wilton. here. passed the afternoon till they went away about past 4. visiting with
25

now Hudson Falls

them. Went over the River a little after 6. went down to Dans. staid there half an hour then went down to Adds. As I came to Dans saw Lizzie and her Aunt go in to see the new house next door. and as I passed to go down to Addies. thought t'was her sitting by the end window. Stayed at Adds till nearly 8. then came away. left Will there. Went up to see Auntie. met her and she turned back and went a long way up the street with me. and then I went into the house as I came back. and had a long talk with her. of the what has taken place within a few days. Am afraid that Lizzie has misunderstood me. perhaps has misunderstood her Aunt. Have thought that I have done very wrong in doing what I did. Sunday. writing to her as I did. God grant that it may not cause us unhappiness for life. that it may not. yet. be to late to alter our courses. Came away from Aunties a little before 9. and came Home. Went to bed about past 10. Saturday. Sept 17.. Clear and cool. but pleasant Fall weather. Up at 7. After breakfast read and wrote some as usual. Over the River at 11. In the afternoon went down to Fort Edward with Dick Rice. started a little before 2. got back at 5. Started over the River a little before 7 Sister was over and I started down street to see if I could find her at Adds. Met them and came back over Home with them again. Talked some to them. thummed the piano a little. and lay on the sofa thinking. Went Home with Add just before 10. waited for the mail came Home about past 10. talked a few minutes to Sister. then came up and wrote a note to give Lizzie tomorrow. Got to bed between 1 and 2. Sunday Sept 19. A beautiful Fall day. Arose at or about past 7 Wnet to church as usual. Lizzie was there. When Sister came Home she brought a little note from her. telling me that she would meet me Tuesday afternoon at Aunties. that she could not give me the love. I may ask. the presents must be given back. the letters burned. and our engagement broken. Of course my feelings were not at all pleasant. George Little came in a few minutes after I had read the note wanted me to go to Sandy Hill. was glad of any thing to do to keep me busy. as it was. and keep my mind from what is to come Came back from the Hill about 3. went into the office with Doc & smoked and talked till 4 then came Home. As I passed the House coming up from the Hill saw Lizzie sitting by the parlor window alas thought there was another person there. a gentleman. may have been mistakened. Wnet to church in the evening. Lizzie not there. The services were very good. indeed. T'was a beautiful night. clear bright. moonlight. and so pleasant. After I came Home smoked a cigar. read a little &c. till 10 then came up and went to bed. after spending a few minutes looking over some things Lizzie had written in my journals last winter and spring. (sheet six) Monday Sept 20. Clear and warm. Up at 7. After breakfast read and wrote till nearly 11. then went over the River. Found a note from Lizzie for me at the P.O. Came Home after the mail came. sat down and read the note. There is no hope for any thing better. this must be broken off.

She wished me to go up and see Fannie in the afternoon or morning. Started for Fannies about 2. found she had just gone up to Mr Wells. went after her. went in and made a call on Mrs Wells. then came back Home again. passed the rest of the afternoon till about 5. talking to Fannie. She came down with me to Aunties intending to stay all night. Came Home after tea. over the River again and down to see Mand Little.26 to have her get word to Fannie Lizzie that Fannie was down and would like to see her. Went down to see Doc L. and after a while concluded to go up to see Fannie a moment. She and Lizzie had gone up the street a little way for a walk went up after them.met them spoke to Fannie. told her what I had to say. intending to come away again directly. but Lizzie asked us to walk up the street a little way. we did so and had some conversation not at all pleasant for either. It seemed awful to hear her talk as she did. t'was something new. to me. something strange. We stood by the door talking a little while then I went away. Came Home passed the rest of the evening talking to Add & Will & Sister. or lying on the sofa listening & thinking. Went over the River about 10. after the mail was distributed. went up and talked to Fannie till after 11. then came Home. Tuesday September 21st. Clear and warm again. Up about 7 as usual. Passed the morning till time for the mail reading and writing then over the River about 11. Went up to see Fannie. but she was not at Home had gone around to Lizzies. Came Home and passed the time till 2 as in the morning reading Lizzies letters. Went over to Mrs Davis's at past 2. Lizzie came to the door and met me very kindly with a kiss. The rest of the afternoon will 5 was passed along with Lizzie. our engagement was broken. and we are hereafter to be as brother & Sister only. we said "Good Bye" and parted. T'was a bitter bitter parting. and a painful. sad afternoon. All that has passed between us is now among the "Bye Gones." it seems so hard. Perhaps tis all for the best. it is undoubtedly otherwise twould not have been. T'was like parting Husband and Wife. Came Home and after tea burned all her letters. Went over the River before 7. went down street to Adds. to see if I could find Will. then went up to Aunties. to get the Portfolio. talked to Auntie for sometime. then came Home. Sister was up to Fannie B with Belle W and Mary A. so I went up to come Home with them. stayed there till 9 listening to them talking saying but little myself. Went up Home with Belle W then waited for the mail and came Home. came up to my room about past 10. Lay thinking for a time. read some in Lizzies Bible and then after a time went to sleep. Wednesday Sept 22. Clear. cold and windy. Up at 7 after breakfast looked over all the letters I had written Lizzie since I knew her. saved those I wrote in Baltimore to be read before burnt then gave the rest to the fire. About 10 went over the River. Went down street on an errand for Sister. called at Julie Morgans27 to see her about some books. she thought we had borrowed. She said she was going away in the afternoon to T. to stay this winter. went in sat a few minutes then bid her "Good Bye" went down to Mr Aldens with a note came back and talked to Add till
26 27

Probably Amanda Little (1835-?), wife of Meredith B. Little, of the Glens Falls Insurance Co. Julia Morgan (1834-?), dau. of Maria and Carlos Morgan, a town justice

after 11. then came Home. As I went down saw Lizzie sitting by the window she bowed and smiled. she was there still when I came back. In the afternoon went over to hear Garrit Smith.28 As I was in the Hotel saw Lizzie going down street toward Home. Listened all the afternoon till nealy 5 to Garrit Smith. then Will and I went down to see Addie. Came Home. and after tea Sister and I went down to Adds to go with Will & her to the concert by the "Peck Family". The concert was tolerable only. can't say that I enjoyed it extremely. my mind was oftener down the street a little farther. than with surrounding things. After the concert Sister & I went down to Adds. to wait for the mail there till after 10 then came Home. Came up to my room before 11. went to sleep about 12. Thursday Sept 23d. Clear and cold again. Fall weather in earnest. Up at 7. [follows in pencil.] believe worst Home in the morning In the after noon heard Garrit Smith speak. Saw Lizzie going down street Home was at Home in the morning. busy writing till 11 then over the River. for the mail. In the afternoon at Home till nearly 3 then over the River. stood at the Book Store till nearly 5 then came Home. Mary A here. Went over the River and back with Sister at 7. Then back again down to Add a few moments. As I came I found Lizzie just going in the gate at Home Talked to her a moment then then we took a walk. Waited for the mail came Home about past 10 talked to Mother & Sister till past 1 came up went to bed at 2 Friday Sept 24. Cloudy trying to rain but cleared up in the afternoon. Father came at 12. Lizzie & Fannie came over. asked me to come up to the Ridge in the afternoon Did go. there to tea and till 11 o clock. went to bed about 12. Saturday. Clear & beautiful. Over the River just after breakfast found Fred. had a talk with him. took a walk down street found Fannie. took a ride with her up towards the ridge came Home. at 11. packed some of my things Had a picture taken. saw Addie talked to her made some arrangements in the afternoon. came Home at 5. over the River at 7. Down to Adds a moment. then back up to Mand Littles, found Lizzie there. came way before 9. watched for the mail Sunday Sept 26. Another beautiful day. Church in the morning. And Lizzie there too. recv a message from her by Sister Over to see in the afternoon till 4. then Home. Will & Add came over about 6. Went to church with us. Lizzie there when we got down. in our old places. talked a little before service. came down as far as Aunties with her. bid her "Good Bye". Fred at the corner. Add and Will at the brow of the Hill. this is my last Sunday for a long time in G.F. tis late I must sleep. Will fill this out as it should be when I get time 11 o clock Sunday eve.

28

Gerrit Smith (1797-1874), a reformer and abolitionist