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It's Not an Affair BALRAM JAYPEE AMRITA cover photograph by Rajesh Kathpalia Published in 2013 by Spirit of Amrita Foundation SEABA Campus, Lehragaga Distt Sangrur, Punjab, India spiritofamrita@gmail.com ITS NOT AN AFFAIR

. . . . . . . . Affair. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . to

SIDHARTH
whom I cannot see any longer as I am told norms of society dont allow that
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ITS NOT AN AFFAIR

Directors Note

BALRAM This play tells the story of an unusual relationship, one for which our language and culture has no name. That is why it is not easy to live such a relationship. The drama begins after Amrita, the female protagonist of the play dies in an accident. Trying to escape from the pain of her absence, the male protagonist, Jaypee, slips into the world of memories. The emails that both wrote to each other become the medium for that. A diehard dreamer, Amrita feels as if she has lost her dreams somewhere. Trying to retrace those dreams, she meets someone she feels connected to, in an unusual way. She feels she has met someone who understands and shares her passion for life. She can talk to him about anything without any fears. She wants Jaypee and her husband to meet. But this desire remains unfulfilled. And the beautiful relationship that they share remains unnamed. There are not many people who understand, not even her own parents. Amrita doesnt care and nor does she pays any heed to Jaypees warnings. She thinks she has nothing to hide. That is how this relationship that she does not want to put under any cloak becomes threatening for her own family life. Her husband asks her to choose between her dreams and his house. ITS NOT AN AFFAIR

Amrita is at a crossroad. It becomes the beginning point of her journey towards her transformation- the journey of Sheena becoming Amrita. Jaypee makes it clear to her that only by changing a name or getting away from a person cannot ensure happiness or liberty. But for Amrita there is no other way out. She is worried about her child but she also knows that she cant provide her child that happiness that she herself is devoid of while living in her husbands home. She sees a way out in Jaypee, who she thinks, can lead her towards her dreams. But she doesnt want to play with his mental balance either. A violent duel rages within her. Jaypee is there with her on every step of her testing journey. She doesnt want to lose him but also dreams of getting him married and then gets scared of that dream herself. When Amrita comes to know that her son Sidharth is autistic she is shaken badly. But Jaypee is with her - silent but solidly, as always. Amrita feels she and Sidharth have got in Jaypee a friend in whose presence they do not need to be afraid of any fear. But at the same time she keeps reminding herself that she has to stand on her own. Amrita has now stopped running away from any fears. She is learning to face those fears eye to eye. This relationship in which the distances of mind and space do not matter, is the story of her transformation which takes the play forward. They come so near to each other that there remains no width and Sidharth is the subtle link between the two. Amrita is sad about the fact that Sidharth cannot explain in words the beauty of this relationship. She hopes he will understand when he grows up. She wishes this relationship to go on like this throughout life. Right at this stage life turns on them. After the death of Amrita, Sidharth too is taken away from Jaypee, again because there is no name for his relationship with Sidharth. That which he had taken for granted is no longer with him now. He is alone on stage. The play returns to its starting point. But this is not a simple repetition of the same. Here begins the makeover of Jaypee. This point is almost similar to that of the moment when Prince Sidharth had seen death for first time from near. Passing through this inner journey of emails Jaypee realises memories are only a feeble attempt to escape from insecurities. They just give an illusion of love. But do they really mean love? Jaypee is confronted with these questions. He realises that insecurity is integral part of human existence. Nothing is granted on this surface of existence. He realises that it is not possible to go beyond this fear of parting and insecurity, without going beyond the self. Thi s is the way of going beyond I, Me or Myself a psychological death, death of the ego. Jaypee chooses this way. This is the peak point of the play which can be objectified or turned into another scene. The journey beyond that is a journey of silence, that which cannot be seen or shown, but can only be lived. . ITS NOT AN AFFAIR

. SANJU SOLANKI AS JAYPEE AND RAJ DHALIWAL AS AMRITA

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. ITS NOT AN AFFAIR

ITS NOT AN AFFAIR

Part of an undelivered letter written by Amrita that was found after her death .

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ITS NOT AN AFFAIR

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A PERSONAL NOTE Ive always been a private person, almost a recluse when compared to outgoing and gregarious Amrita. But Ive been thrown into a situation now when I am forced to make public, glimpses of the relationship that she, Sidharth and I came to share, once she decided to leave behind the pain-inducing associations of her past. A beautiful script has been woven by Balram around our thoughts shared through emails. It has not been an easy decision to let that personal communication be brought out in open. But every time I went through them, after Amrita was no more there physically, I could see a universal theme in those seemingly exclusive exchanges of thoughts. Thats the eternal human drama played out through the ages - a one more reason for it to be shared with all of you. -Jaypee ITS NOT AN AFFAIR

.. .

AMRITA (1972-2012) . . . .

ITS NOT AN AFFAIR

THE PLAY
(Fade in) Sad music playing in the background, evocative of absence of someone. JP seemingly lost moving around stage as if looking for something. Goes towards Amritas laptop on one side and fiddles with it. Goes back towards his own laptop on the other side, sits down deep in memories and Amrita enters (in his imagination) AMRITA: Dear JP (Jaypee raises head) AMRITA What happened today though not out of character for both of us was, nevertheless, painful and to an extent uncalled for. I do not know why, but, somehow I had this feeling since morning that something is going to happen today which will upset me and I knew that it would involve you. But never in my wildest dreams did I, kind of, think that this would happen. Today, I was told, that after leaving home I could see all the plays that I wanted to see. Earlier I was scared for Sidharth but now I know if I am happy I will be able to keep my son happy too. Whatever I want in life is not all that wrong or a sin. I deserve that and should get that. Maybe this has become my inner strength which is just keeping me moving on day after day. The so called doom and destruction that I am heading for is all mine and I am ready to face it. Though he too claims to have gone through the agony but for him the loss was all his, what he went through. Not once did he think that or what I was going through at that time. It did not cross his mind. At least this is what he shows to me. I told him this morning that all through his life he has been thinking all for himself like the people to take care of him, pamper him. Let me confess I do actually want to move out now. I want to survive. The way things are at the moment he will not change and I will not beg him to do that for my sake. As I write this the idea scares me too. Things events and reactions are becoming stranger by each passing day. My parents are also not supporting me. They are probably getting cold feet. And for this inability to stand by their own daughter they are blaming me. They taught me to be all a daughter, sister, wife and mother in all this they forgot me.... JAYPEE I like you the way you are. One can be honest to his or her own self. Nothing else matters. I envy, at least, some of your traits. For you, every morning is a new beginning. For me, its difficult. (Sighs) I wish I could act as spontaneously as you do.

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AMRITA This is the time I need a person like you around me to keep my sanity. But at what cost? I cannot play with your sanity and mental balance for that. The more Ive started depending on you the more Ive got used to you. The inherent quality of this relationship is such. Honestly, I feel that each girl should, if not a husband like you, then at least, be allowed a friend like you. I wish we had more of Jaypees to handle all the Amritas for the Vickys of this earth. Are you listening? JAYPEE: Yes, I am here... Listening. AMRITA: (Ramblingly) My husband leaves me gasping for life. Talking to you in the morning is something like a ritual, as you once put it, and today I missed that ritual like hell. I am now going to stand up for myself a dream for me. Youve become a medium, a person who actually shared my beliefs. I am all muddled up. Anybody else in my place would have simply given up. All this I could do simply because I knew that you were there always. You always say that things happened that way for I let them happen that way. I am not treating you like a medicine for apart from Combiflam I do not take any other tablet. This relationship is beyond words. JAYPEE: I had been taking my role of a listener so seriously that I often forget I need to talk also. Touchwood... the communication did not suffer in all this. We won't let it happen this time also. Just as we have touched each other's lives, the trajectory of our dreams will guide us in finding the way forward. Don't ever stop dreaming. Dreams, I believe, need not be exclusive. You dreamt of some things for which I supplied part of the script and I dreamt of things for which you have not only been supplying the script but are also a production controller. Overall there is this understanding between us that we can share things with each other. That includes our frustrations, anger and all negative emotions. In the process we hurt each other also but as we were talking today this is small cost to pay for that level of communication. Lets be thankful for small mercies.

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Let me take this opportunity to declare my thankfulness that you are there. For a moment you can forget all my complaints and grudges. They are just expressions of those moments. To add weight to them we tend to see patterns in them. We try to make those complaints look like permanent flaws in each other. But we know they are not. At least we try to see and understand. Small little complaints should not worry us. Let them come. When we are not perfect why should we take it for granted that we will behave in a perfect manner with each other always? The only thing worth it is to have people around you who make an effort to understand you. A person alive and sensitive to you is enough. Isnt it? As for what we conveniently call friendship, lets face it, it is a relationship out of ordinary. In fact, whether you like to admit it or not we are behaving as if we are having an affair. And I had been warning you all along. You give an impression that you do not care and you do not try to dispel the people's perception ever. I dont see any need to name the relationship but now when people have started giving a name to it, it has become so inconvenient. It's so frustrating to see other people's actions affecting our lives. (Silence) What was that poem? The wings The flight. AMRITA: You really want me to read that for you? I will, but on one condition. Dont laugh. ....I thought I had the wings that would help me fly but so much held on to them that as I spread my wings to soar I fell with a thud yet the pain of the fall is dimmed when I see that small flame of hope glimmer in the dark deep recesses of my heart never seen never heard before I flap my wings once again not to fly but to bury that flame which like a stubborn child refuses to relent and now I do not fly for when my heart will ache with the dark cold pain this flame will keep me warm... I would like to read your interpretation of my poem. Lets see how much we differ on opinions as we did on freedom this morning.

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JAYPEE: (Hesitatingly) Divorce or any other person or any other place cannot bring any happiness. AMRITA: (Agitated/irritated) Forget it. You have given me this crap earlier also. One day I will just go off in search of happiness. I am yet not clear about what happiness I want but let me tell you JP, the happiness that I am looking for already exists in meand please get that stupid smirk off your face. This is no recent inner voice that I have heard just today. By happiness, I mean this peace in me which is getting buried under all the social duties that I have to perform as a daughter, wife, mother, daughter in law, sister, chachi, mami and god knows what all and let me tell u I do not need any one to help me get this happiness. It is mine and one day I will be one with it. Till then I am happy with what I am and what I am doing. It is just that I am not at peace with it. It is a constant tug of war. For me our relationship is a way out of that. JAYPEE: You know its so difficult to have relationships without names when all around us we have people living lives in the name of names only. Names are so important for them. In fact, its a matter of survival for them. AMRITA: In this whole gamut you have been involved by me and him too for no fault of yours. I have dragged you in the entire muck for no rhyme and reason. Worse than this is the fact that Ive started taking you for granted. I hope you can understand the fact that I have lost my dreams somewhere in my life and now I am trying to get them back. Let me confess one thing somewhere deep in my heart I actually do not want him to change for if he does I will have to go back to him, which I do not want. The reason for this behaviour of mine, I am unable to explain even to myself. After a long time in life I have got an opportunity to lead my life the way I want so I just do not want to give up this chance. I am a diehard dreamer and I have realised ke dreams te koi patent nahin hunda. The more the merrier. I do not wish to add to your burden. Hope to meet you when I am able to take care of myself and my fears all by myself. I am actually very sorry for what all you have to go through just because of some dirty psyche. I am embarrassed and sorry. The issue that could be resolved so easily has taken this ugly turn. I have learnt my lessons the hard way. Honesty, which I thought was the basis for a healthy and a long lasting relationship, were proved wrong. Emotions like trust, love, caring, sensitivity now do not hold any meaning for me any longer. I am so bitter about the whole thing. Here I am trying to help a friend and me too while at the same time I am being accused of ruining my marriage. This was ok till here but now when being the cause of Sidharth's problems has also come on me I am baffled and in this confusion things have started to mess up even more. ITS NOT AN AFFAIR

You know I am simply trying to put myself in order. I always wanted to maintain it as a good healthy friendship and just so that the thin lines are not crossed over from your side or mine, I wanted my husband also to get involved in it. That is why I always wanted you two to meet. Whether this relationship was an affair or friendship, I leave it to time to decide, but from my side such things never crossed my mind. About the affair wala thing JP, what irks me is the fact that when the entire world was convinced of the idea that the two of us are going around we denied it. It was friendship for us and a good one. Leave the connotation of the word affair out for some time and think the way others are thinking. Right? My morality and things at stake apart do you actually want to know why I do not want this relationship to be an affair. All through my life I have never consciously left relationships of any type unfinished. I do not leave my relationships enroute, somewhere along. Each time I have seen to it that the premise of my relationship with anyone is such that I can be with that person throughout my life. An affair would mean a natural goodbye in some time to come. But then the problem is that this is not me. To give up a relationship with a person like you and that too when trivialised to the levels of having an affair would be insulting. JAYPEE: No, we are not having an affair. Let me put it categorically. I understand your discomfort with the idea that I might be thinking we're having an affair, which let me assure you, is just an idea. I've only been trying to make you realise that to deny this uncomfortable feeling, you don't have to pretend that there's nothing between us. I don't know what to call this and I don't think there is any need to, as I have repeated so many times. I know this `something between us' thing also unnerves you. Perhaps it is difficult for you because you always tend to see this in terms of relations, which are always defined in words. Unfortunately we don't know any other way than through words to understand things. But you see whether we chose to put a name to this relationship or not, we don't have to deny whatever there is to it. All said and done, one thing is certain whether we are able to come up with a word for it or not, affair is not the word for it. I think we've actually come very close to an ideal, that is, to have a relationship, which is beyond definitions. Unfortunately we're letting other people influence us in destroying that. Let's not do that. I would want this relationship to be without any hang ups and at the same time we have to be prepared to pay the costs. AMRITA: (Reading aloud) Children's Letters to God Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. (Laughs)

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You know I would love to see you married sitting on a rocking chair in some sunny corner of your home somewhere. A book in your hands. Your kid playing at your feet. Well, where will your wife be in all this? As per me in the office while you manage the home front efficiently. And as per my husband in the kitchen because that is where her place actually is. Pick your own choice! JAYPEE: Keep imagining. I am listening. AMRITA: I am slightly cranky by nature and this quality of mine you must have got to know by now. As far as all those Shaguns and Preets are concerned, for me, at least, they are sheer distractions. In case anyone of them is your choice I will support you like a good friend. You will also have to think about your wife who may not like the way we communicate. But remember if and when that happens let that not change the confidence that we have in each other that we can talk about anything. My dependence on you and your availability always to hear me out is now scary and I think I should do something about it. At the end of the day apart from saying the damn same thing that you are my best friend I have no justification for why I do all this. Lets begin the story that we planned to work on. The premise will have to revolve around Maya. Who is she? From where did she come? Well, how would anyone know when she herself has no answers to these questions? Her quest for this leads her to a path unknown. Where is she now, no one knows but then isn't she Maya? She realised that she had not looked skywards for ages. She wondered what was it she was doing all this while that she did not have time for anything else. She was reminded of all the stories that she read in the childhood. The moon, the sky, the stars all seemed so alive. She felt as if she could talk to them. The thought made her sad. AMRITA: Yes Maya needed somebody to talk to. Somebody who could understand her need to smell the flowers, feel the rain. And accidently she did come across someone who shared her passion for the simplest things of life. But then no one understood her need for her reconnection with herself and the nature around her. Maybe Maya herself did not understand the change in her and so could not convince others. Life was never simple for her then or now. But then Maya always strived to make it beautiful. Can her friend help? Will he and for how long? Where are the limits? Show them to Maya. JAYPEE: Was it just that she needed someone who could listen to her? If only life could be that simple, she wondered aloud. He, who had been sitting there alongside her for so long, silent, did not reply. What is upsetting you, she started with sudden annoyance? Nothing, he replied. That made her even angrier. You can leave if you don't feel like sitting here with me. It's too late anyway, she announced with a sigh. ITS NOT AN AFFAIR

He sighed back. It was not the way he had planned it. He had come this far to be with her, to comfort her, to reassure her just with her presence, to listen to her. He got up. She was shocked. She did not expect him to react that way. She realised he was going. She wanted to stop him, but she did not. She came back to the room. The stuffy room gave her creeps. The slow moving fan did not help either. She sat on a chair facing outside. It was pleasant out there. She could still see the moon from where she was sitting. AMRITA: The moon comforted and so did the moon light. Tears would not stop pouring from Maya's eyes, wish she could talk to the moon. Tell him all about her pain, her aspirations, her emotions. Yes this would have been nice for then she would not have had to explain her worlds to herself or anybody else. Neither would she have to live with the fear of losing her world. For when he walked away both he and Maya could feel the pain. Both stood at their ends hurting the other and self. But then neither stopped the other nor did he come back. It was not ego that made them do that, it was just that they did not want to hurt the other anymore. And today Maya stands at cross roads. She did not come here on her own. Its the people around her who have put her there. What should she do without causing any more pain? No one understands that her worlds are not two men for they are not worlds they are persons. Maya just wants her space not worlds. This is too big for her. Maya wants to live not get lost. (Shrugs) No I am not Maya. I am Amrita. I am going to stand up for myself. I have no reasons to hide anything. Discretion has never been a word in my dictionary and for this I have always paid in life. Well the only fact is that earlier I was the only one paying but the situation has changed a lot now and I have to think about Vicky, Sidharth and, of course, you and your wife. I want you to get on with your life before things actually go out of your hand and mine too. Remember once we had talked about should one make a husband out of a friend or a friend out of a husband and we could not find an answer to it. May be today I have something close to an answer. Never make a good friend your lover for there are good many chances you may lose both. It is my marriage anniversary todayand stop before you start sprinting on the track that I am once again on this sympathy trip. No I am not. I was just trying to break away from my past and move ahead. One thing I wanted to do was mourn my long dead relationship. Just needed a burial. Failures scare me and fears instill even more failures in me. Over the time I have realised that the fear of finding someone so close to me only to lose him again, is my main fear. Marriage may just be an institution but for many like us, who do agree to the fact, it is good one especially when both the partners understand it that way. Let me complete. I know it is not so simple but then for people like you who like to discuss the issue so much hold opinions on it could actually make a better marriage.

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Marriage may just be an institution but for many like us who do agree to the fact it is good one especially when both the partners understand it that way. Let me complete. I know it is not so simple but then for people like you who like to discuss the issue so much and hold opinions on it could actually make a better marriage. When you told me that these larkiwallas had come to see you and you of all people had just blindly said yes it was kind of a blow. The first gut feeling was that it is not correct and then I started believing in that. The whole scheme was so out of character as far as I can see you that the idea seemed ridiculous. How in the first place could you agree to this and then how could you even think of going through the whole thing which in some time to pass would have appeared to be a farce and believe me living farces is very difficult. I have been doing this for a long time. Next time you get this idea of getting married to just perform some kind of duty just give it a thought. I am saying all this for from now on I will rest the matter here and wait till the next larkiwallas come to see you. Hope next time you do not wear that torn jeans. Buy a new pair. JAYPEE: So you have finally come around to the fact that anyone but my parents can find a girl for me. Sorry to disappoint you, for you don't have to wait for next time when ladkiwalas come to see me to launch on those homilies of yours. It won't happen ever again but you can continue with your homilies, nevertheless. I believe it is naive of us to think that we can make a better choice in this matter just by getting to know the outward things about the prospective bride or groom. I have seen people who claim to admire inner beauty of people falling flat on their faces. They discover amazing things about their spouses after marriage. Speaking for me this is not what I am afraid of. It's just the fallacy of all this that puts me off. When I said yes to ladkiwalas who had come to see me last time, it was not a considered yes but it was not just blind yes either. To put it that way, it would be blind, anyway, whether I chose to see the girl and other such things or not. It would have been out of my character if I simply got along with all that crap that goes with ladki pasand karna' ceremonies. It had to be like that, something that shocked people or elicited any reaction out of ordinary as for you 'ridiculous' was the word. It's not a normal reaction, you must agree. But you can say that it seemed ridiculous to you. That would not be out of your character at all. Not wearing a torn jeans or for that matter wearing anything to conform to others standards is out of my character. I don't mind changing my entire wardrobe for someone I care for but it's ridiculous to change my wardrobe to get married. If I don't get married just because I wear torn jeans then I have one more reason to not get married at all. AMRITA I did not say all that to show my sense of humour. I am just trying to add some laughter in life so boy, join the group. But you are such an ass that at times I feel like banging your head against the wall. You thought I would ask you to get married just so that you do not sleep hungry. There will be many such nights when you come home from your customary binges and you get nothing to eat. ITS NOT AN AFFAIR

You are famished, even say dying of hunger. Believe me choose to die. If you marry for such reasons you will rot and not be the person you are. Choose your future. Why dont you learn to cook small things? How about a cookery class this summer? Something snacky. I could tell you a few things like biscuit kee panjiri. Remember Sanjus recipe. Grind the biscuits and its ready. Tell ya what my fantasy would be? A talk with you when both of us are drunk. No inhibitions. No male female chakkar. Just pure dil kee dil se. How about it? Anyways, not a farfetched dream. JAYPEE Let me tell you, for me, discussing marriage as an institution is not a favourite pastime as you seem to have deduced. Our discussions often veered towards that but mind you, it was not marriage we were discussing we were discussing you. At least, for me, it was about you. I wanted to talk to you with free mind. It's still better that we can talk about things. In fact, what I think is, that is what gives strength to our relationship. We do not have to weigh in our words before we speak. Let's keep something for our actual conversation. This one way communication must give some food for thought for that. My typing speed cannot keep pace with the thoughts coming to mind, anyway. AMRITA: Our pep talks keep me going. So keep communicating. I wish people could realise how important communication is in life. There is lot to be said but then more important than that is to be understood. I know I have been boring you with my stupid talks often. Speaking honestly when I was talking to you I was kind of talking to myself. Only you took the form of my physical self. I know I sound weird but then at times I am this also. I am not saying in any way that you are not listening to me or that I do not acknowledge your hearing. This state of talking and listening is slightly higher (if I am not sounding too pompous or haughty) for at times I feel that as much as disjointed or vague my talks may be but you do understand what I am trying to say or why. Basically this is the difference between what I was when I was Sheena and the Amrita that I am now. At times when I look back I am surprised at the changes myself. Tell you what when I was in class five or six I had these nightmares. My mother thought it had something to do with previous birth. I had nightmares and would even walk in my sleep. I was as usual taken to docs and shrinks given medicines and I am sure all that medicines did were put me too sleep sedatives and nothing more. I had this uncle of mine my dad's best friend who once did ask me what scared me and all I could blurt was darkness. As I fought my nightmares and social stigmas attached to all this I was never explained what was wrong with me or why each night the two tablets put under my pillow by the warden were so important. But then soon the nightmares stopped and I was left in peace. I am sure this was not because of the medicines of the darkness for the darkness still prevails. It must be some system within me which I have to now find to fight my daymares only after this will I be able to start responding to my environment and to the people around me. I know I can do that and have to do it all by myself. Say no to my fears. Recognise them and try banishing them, not killing them.

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And the thing is that I always believed in the fact that you live for the moment and anything you do right or wrong is fine for it is meant to be that way at that time. We need not be guilty of anything that we do. In short I felt each experience that I went through was a part of my learning process. But then how I got so influenced by Vicky that all my past became a dark thing for me which let alone talk about I even stopped thinking about. I wish you were there with me at that time, may be, just to listen. It is not the things that I did when I was Sheena like, reading a torn book or wearing autographed jeans or drive a motorcycle in the campus or tease the boys. That is not what I want to flaunt. I know they were just phases but then all those were a part of my growing up. They were my experiences. From each of them I learnt and tried to imbibe something. From some of them I was hurt while, from others I gained happiness. Thankfully, I was never hurt enough to be scarred mentally for life. It is easier to put all the pain on somebody elses shoulder but then no pain ceases to hurt that way. Sadly we cannot share it without hurling allegations at each other. All we need to do is absorb each others pain. This quality has never existed in our relationship. Once again I am learning to handle it all by myself. I am surprised even after this so called marriage how I am still capable of my basic caring nature. You know I see myself in you not that I also had the kind of life which is not new to you but that with the way we communicate with each other, at times, distances and even minds do not matter. I think this is the most opportune time to reiterate that I have Sidharth and friends like you to fall back on any time. JAYPEE: Let me share with you what Sidharth means to me. See, one thing is clear. I came to know of him as your extension. He is there for me because you are there for me. Having said that let me tell you, Sidharth has come to acquire a separate identity of his own for me. That identity is of a child with whom I relate at intuitive level. For him to be there in my thoughts, does not require to begin with you any longer. Remember the first time you told me he is suspected to be autistic? My study about autism began that very day. Even today before Balram left for Patiala we sat together for more than two hours and substantial part of our conversation was consumed with Sidharth. I wish you could have been there somehow. Let me take this opportunity to tell you that Sidharth has one of the most intense smiles I have ever seen on a person. Its beatific when he is happy. That may partly explain his choice not to talk. He talks with his eyes you say often. But I think he talks with his whole face, with all the gestures and expressions. Now this is not at like children of his age. One learns expressions and gestures as one ages. This makes him ahead of his peers. There must be so many other things. Lets explore. By the way let me tell you, you have also got a beautiful smile, crinkled and mischievous. It's never too late to tell. AMRITA JP, I know what Sidharth means to you and it is with you only that I have shared him just the way he is or the way I see him. Yeah Sidharth talks with his entire face and at times can do it ITS NOT AN AFFAIR

very effectively. He needs no words. And did you notice that at the end of the theatre workshop yesterday he and Aryan were sitting on the steps of the tree house all by themselves and it was kind of slightly dark at that time. I know it was Aryan who took to Sidharth first but then Sidharth simply followed and they clicked. This was also something heartening for me. Thank you for this workshop for I am finding myself amongst the children. There are so many things I thought I never had in me but I was wrong. And this is all because of you. I know I am going slightly overboard, biting more than I can chew later, but then jo hoga dekha jayega. JAYPEE Dear Amrita! So how does it feel to be an year older? Any wiser? Just lots of cynicism it seems, adding day by day. Most of it directed against men. In fact, sometimes I think you are arraigned against men. I have nothing to say in defense of my brethren. I am one of them in many a way, as you keep reminding me time to time. Well, it cant be helped. There is no other way then to be a man, when you are a man. But, yes, to be human would be a lot better. Well, no sermonising for today. No philosophising, no smooth talk. Its your day. Let me take this opportunity to tell you once again I have learnt a lot from you. See its never too late. And before I forgetthe gift for your birthday! This is one package Ive been working on for so many days. This was the idea to share whatever we get to know about autism. Ive been reading on it off and on. Much of it is the expert talk in medical terms on possible whys and hows of it. You know there is no final word on autism. Just then I came across some accounts of people learning to come to terms with it and learning of ways to deal with it. Much of what I read was lost by the time I could get across to you. That gave me the idea to compile it in a compact form, which could be read and reflected upon unhurriedly. This whole week I scoured the net and started downloading it all. It ranges from tips on toilet training from a mother of an autistic child to a first person account of an autistic person. It gives so much hope. So you see while going through the routine of living, the terms of which are not all of our own, we need few things that give us reason to go on. Isnt it nice to know that there are people who love you? This is the appropriate day to reiterate that. Happy Birthday! AMRITA Well you have made my day and yes it is nice to know that people love you. More important than that is that you have somebody in life on whom you can bank on actually pile on with all your weight and at times extra too. Thanks. But no I will not say that for I do not want to return the feeling or even the gratitude it is all mine as a part of my birthday gift. The articles that you compiled are precious. Though I have to read them, yet, I know they will help me a lot come to terms with many a thing.

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And that half hug that you gave me was also great for I was pained in the morning that no one hugged me at home. So I hugged Sidharth. But getting one is great. I know once again I am just talking about myself. Its just that I am trying to be grateful. You know the first time I left home and started living in University Guest House I came very close to you so close that I had never been to anyone and it just not about sharing my marriage woes. I was sharing life and breath with you. The second time I got this chance I was scared. This time along with my life I was sharing my soul with you. Each time you touched me a part of me rose to meet you and then came along this feeling that may be if I lose you once again and then what. Here we are still together. I just cross my fingers that we stay this way and build a relationship where it is no longer necessary for any one of us to say I love you, coz we do. That is why I always say that its not an affair. Its not an affair. Who am I? This question keeps troubling me. For me you are a part of Sid and me. Each morning as I begin my day things with you and Sidharth in mind begin taking shape. This book is yours it has to be kept there, this diary has to be kept here, what is menu for lunch which both Sidharth and you will like and blah blah blah blah. All I can say is that each day I pray and do make an effort however small or invisible it may be to remain the way we were once and this is for a life time though I hardly know what a life time is. (Amrita exits. Jaypee sitting with his head lowered. The same sad music that played at the beginning plays again.) JAYPEE Its not first time that you have gone out. Its not first time that we havent met for more than a day. Does it mean anything more than the simple fact that I am missing you? But its certainly not first time that I am missing you. I miss you every time I find something interesting around me, every time I am happy, every time I am sad. Sometimes I miss you when I am not in any particular frame of mind but just missing you. You are not there. But why is Sidharth not with me? Just because there is no name for his relationship with me. Just because of that. Just because of that. You see I take your presence around me so much for granted. This taking for granted thing frightens me. At times we mistake it for love also. Is missing someone enough to say that we are in love? I think it is our insecurities only that make us believe so. Insecurities are part of human beings. Yes, I agree they are. You are not there but I dont even have the solace of the knowledge that youd be coming back. There was a time when we were thankful for small mercies. I remember the first night we were together at the open air theatre the time when we cried together. I remember the tears rolling down your face so simply and truth fully. This is the most cherished memory of my life. Incidentally, I have forgotten to cry. I don't remember when was the last time I cried. I didn't cry even when I saw Papajee going away right before my eyes. And you know I don't feel shy to cry when I feel like. ITS NOT AN AFFAIR

VOICE OF AMRITA You may have heard others did try to hear but for me I screamed yet no one paid heed and now I opt for silence which may be stronger than my voice and will pay one day JAYPEE (Goes towards the bookshelf, picks up the same diary from which the paper drops again. He picks it up and reads aloud) Amrita! (Turns it overleaf and starts reading the letter from the beginning) Thank God for the blessings we have in life. And today I would like to thank God for giving me a friend like you. You always said I am very good at using words but today I can find none, for any word I feel like writing, does not sum up what I want to say. Now I can understand, words are just sounds, just utterances. Yet, you are the best thing that could have happened to me. You have stood by me and whenever I felt lost, I always knew I had you. I am sure if Sidharth could express his feelings, they would have been the same. Hope when he grows up he realises and acknowledges what a friend he has in you. Thanks for being there for both of us. We both love you and will do that till eternity. (Puts the letter aside and starts typing on his laptop) Dear Amrita I am writing it all because you are not there physically for me. You had suggested that I should write it all when I feel like talking to you. I did that quite often. You told me once that next time I want to share something with you and you are not there, I should just pen down what I want to say. You told me to think that paper is you. You said the paper will become as receptive as a human being as I write. So here I am. At times what is needed to be there is, to be not there. Its possible for one to be there totally if the I, Me or Myself is not there. As I said earlier thats my way of turning inwards. Fadeout

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A Play about Some Serious Affair

Atamjit It is not unusual to be inspired by a character or two to write a play; many playwrights have attempted to structure their actions around two such characters: imaginary or real life. But I am unaware of any play that gets its whole body from the email interactions of two people and the play is created just by editing and crisscrossing the mails that are spanned over a period of four to five years. Interestingly the title of the play has also been taken from the emails. Its very courageous on part of Jaypee to have offered all these mails between him and late Amrita who left us at such a young age in an accident a few months ago. If title, characters and dialogues are ready-made then what belongs to Balram who is a very creative theatrical mind? I think it is his personal closeness to both the persons, sense of dramatic cutting and editing, his vision of life and a lot of sincerity and courage to bring out the best from the web. The characters of this play Amrita and Jaypee were themselves very close friends. I am told that they were in live-in relationship. Amritas son from her broken marriage Sidharth is a child with special abilities who suffered from Autism; a disturbance in psychological development in which use of language, reaction to stimuli, interpretation of the world, and the formation of relationships are not fully established and follow unusual patterns. Since I didnt know any aspect of the personal lives of these friends, I will restrict my observations to the characters of the text only. The strength of this play is that it raises a number of questions on the institution of formal marriages; it doesnt have any answer. Nobody should expect it either. But there is much to understand and to analyze. Though Balram has chosen a judgmental title that Its Not An Affair yet there are so many layers even of this statement, in the play, that one needs to have a considerable composure to come to any kind of conclusion. Whatever you conclude of the theme of the play there will still be a lot, within the text, to refute it. It is the complexity of life which has been presented. Though resting only on two characters, the text is multi-layered and intricate just like the lives of the two protagonists whose emotional bonds were very strong but were not compatible in the true sense of the word. The interrogation of compatibility and its social implications is the towering question that has been posed in a poised manner. We cant deny, at any time, the importance of the two most controlling forces that are operating in our lives: the natural and the cultural force. Both are equally powerful and remain our navigators. The real conflict arises when they acquire the opposing postures. This is what has happened to Amrita. She was raised in a middle class family where she was taught the lessons of being a good daughter, sister, wife and mother and, she feels that her self as a human being was never addressed to. After staying with her husband for a few years and having a male child in the wedlock she comes out of the cultural set up and, following her natural instincts, starts living with a colleague Jay Pee. It is a bold step to find the peace of ITS NOT AN AFFAIR

mind: I do actually want to move out now, I want to survive. Earlier I was scared for Sidharth but now I know if I am happy I will keep my son happy too. She wishes to live with Jaypee and is clear that whatever she asked from the life was not all that wrong or a sin though her parents didnt support her views. Lets look at the person she chose to live with. Amrita portrays him as an ideal companion and maintains this position till the end: Honestly, I think that each girl should, if not a husband like you, then a t least, be allowed a friend like you. I wish we had more of Jaypees to handle all the Amritas for the Vickys (her husband) of earth. I am all muddled up. Anybody else in my place would have simply given up. All this I could do simply because that you were there always. There are so many things I thought I never had in me but I was wrong. And this is all because of you. Jaypee also responds in an encouraging and helping manner. But whatever the extent of the relationship/attachment that they had, one thing is clear that they were two different people who lived together because of their circumstances. They were honest to each other to the core but were not made for each other. The main reason is that Amrita, despite being a part of the cultural web, is largely led by her natural instincts. She says: I am a diehard dreamer and I have realized ke dream te koi patent nahin hunda. The more the merrier. Tell ya what my fantasy would be a talk with you when both of us are drunk. No inhibitions, no male female chakkar. Just pure dil kee dil se. How about it? Anyway, not a far-fetched dream! I always believed in the fact that you live for the moment and anything you do right or wrong is fine far it is meant to be that way at that time. I know I am going slightly overboard, biting more than I can chew later, but then jo hoga dekha jayega. On the other hand Jaypee, though helped to keep her sailing even against the cultural currents, primarily appears to be a social/cultural being. He is honest but not sentimental. He is dependable support but not a blind one. He is true to her but not being untrue to himself. He appreciates her natural instincts but carefully nurtures his cultural inclinations. He loves Amrita but is not possessive of her. All these qualities make him a wonderful human being but the one that is not exactly like Amrita. Lets consider what he says: For you every morning is a new beginning. For me, its difficult. I wish I could act as spontaneously as you do.

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You dreamt something for which I supplied a part of the script and I dreamt of the things which you have not only been supplying the script but are also a production controller. Lets face it; what we conveniently call friendship is a relationship out of ordinary. In fact, whether you like to admit it or not we are behaving as if we are having an affair. And I have been warning you all along. You gave an impression that you do not care and you do not try to dispel the peoples perception ever. I dont see any need to name the relationship but when people have started giving a name to it, it has become so inconvenient. Divorce or any other person or any other place cannot bring any happiness. One can easily realize the wide difference of approach towards the relationship between the two. When Amrita says that she would like to speak to him without any inhibition of being male-female, she is actually striking the problem directly as in practical life one cant come out of this male female Chakkar without being drunk. Also note what Jaypee has to tell her elsewhere: I think you are arraigned against men. I have nothing to say in defense of my brethren. I am one of them in many a way, as you keep me reminding time and again. There is no other way than to be man, when you are a man. Whatever the depth and strength of this relationship, Amrita is in a constant fear of losing Jaypee. Although Jaypee is his only ray of hope and he is not ditching her in any manner; still he is not exactly what she requires. She is in search of lifelong relationships and Jaypee doesnt seem to be the model: Each time you touched me, a part of me rose to meet you and then came along this feeling that may be I lose you once again and then what? On the contrary Jaypee, despite being in relationship, thinks differently: You see I take your presence around me so much for granted. This taking for granted thing frightens me. At times we mistake it for love also. Is missing someone enough to say that we are in love? I think it is our insecurities only that make us believe so. Insecurities are part of human beings. Yes I agree they are. When Jaypee asserts that divorce or any person cant give her happiness she terms it as crap. Her happiness lies in their relationship that she tries to see defined in words but for Jaypee it is beyond words. Interestingly in this part of the play one feels that she is trying to become part of the cultural milieu but Jaypee seems to be resisting. This explains Amritas references to his marriage to someone else; she joking ly says, You know I would love to see you married sitting in a rocking chair in some sunny corner of your home somewhere a book in your hand...your kids playing at your feet. Well, where will your wife be in all this? Is she placing herself as his wife or someone else; is anybodys guess! But gradually the reality starts surfacing. Jaypee seems to be getting married somewhere else. We dont know the details; we surely know that Amrita is horribly terrified with the idea. She expects assurances from Jaypee that he will not forget about her. She will like him always to be ITS NOT AN AFFAIR

available to listen to her. Soon she realizes that one should never make a good friend your lover for there are good many chances you may lose both. Whether the friendship is a relationship (in Amritas words to be with someone throughout the life) or an affair (for her a temporary closeness) the irony of a normal human being is that he/she cant survive all alone for whole of his/her life. He/she has to be with someone else; the biggest comfort and the heaviest baggage as well. Individuality of the modern human being is so profound that it leaves very scant space for the adjustments. Amrita clearly represents the destiny of an Indian woman who, despite being unhappy with her marital companion, fails to get divorce from him. It might have happened because of her independent views that didnt attract any support from her parents. And when she finds a person of choice her problem takes a complete shift: fear of remaining with the husband now becomes the fear of losing the man of choice. She says: I was just trying to break away from my past and move ahead. One thing I wanted to do was to mourn my long dead relationship; just needed a burial. Failures scare me and fears instill even more failures in me. Over the time I have realized that the fear of finding someone so close to me only to lose him again is my main fear. Amritas case is not an isolated one. And we are confronted with so many questions. Was there no other path that she could have treaded? Is everything happened because she is a daydreamer and a person restricted to the reality of present moments only? Was she carefree of her past without being seriously concerned of the future? Or is her balancing act of natural and cultural urges not proper? Or is it the hard nut of the institution of an Indian marriage that she is unable to break? Or is it that as woman her notion of the relation/s is different from that of a male? Famous anthropologist and psychologist Helen Fisher asserts this in a significant manner. And another lurking question; what is going to happen to Sidharath? He is son of Vicky with whom he didn't live. He lived with Jaypee in whom Amrita had full faith; but legally Jaypee doesnt have any right on him. The only factor that brought Sidhartha to Jaypee was Amrita who is no more with us. At such a tender age Sidhartha cant take any decision. Then who is going to take care of him? Where would his stay help him grow in the best possible manner? I dont think if law of the land, social conventions and ethical expectations are on the same page in the situation that he is in. Children are the worst sufferers of parents incompatibility; we dont have an answer to the variety of shocks that are in store for innocents lik e him. Amrita represents a good number of young Indian women who are facing such problems. She is gone but has left a number of potential concerns that are in front of us through this text. I salute Jaypee and Balram for courageously putting forward them in this poignant play. It was certainly not an easy affair. ... . . ITS NOT AN AFFAIR

.ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS SURJIT PATAR, AMARJIT GREWAL, ATAMJIT, BALRAM, SANJU SOLANKI, RAJINDER DHALIWAL SIDHARTH, MADAN GOPAL SINGH, NAVTEJ BHARATI, AJMER RODE, BHAI BALDEEP SINGH, AVTARJIT DHANJAL, SWARNJIT SAVI, JASWANT ZAFAR, SAMUEL JOHN, KAWALJIT DHINDSA, AKSH SAMRA, RAJESH KATHPALIA, PUJA KALRA, KIKI SANDHU, SHAMEEL, BALKARAN, JASSI BHAJI, MANMEET SINGH, DIVYA SETHI, UMENDRA DUTT, GURPREET HARRY, KANWARPAL, GURPREET SINGH, RADHIKA MALHOTRA, RISHI MIRANSHAH, RAJU WILLIAM, SUKHVIR SINGH, MANJIT SIDHU, DALJIT AMI, ASIT JOLLY, LAKHA LEHRI, DALJIT DALLI, RAJPAL, JEEVA PANDIT, DALVIR GILL, DIVYA GOYAL, POONAM GILL, AMAN DHINDSA, YOGRAJ, GARRY, SURJIT, NIRBHAI DHALIWAL, BANTI DHILLON, SUKHI PATRAN lasting appreciation and gratitude for being there and for professional, artistic, practical, technical and organizational support

ITS NOT AN AFFAIR