(Name of Project) by (Name of First Writer)

(Based on, If Any)

Revisions by (Names of Subsequent Writers, in Order of Work Performed)

Current Revisions by (Current Writer, date)

Name (of company, if applicable) Address Phone Number

Hot Thespian Action

Written by Gareth & Sean Stewart

Story by Gareth Stewart, Sean Stewart and Cillian Roche

Revisions by Gareth Stewart, Sean Stewart, Cillian Roche, Jennifer Dean

12th draft 29th November 2013 Copyright

Sean Stewart 196 Lavender Avenue, Mitcham, Cr4 3hp UK Phone number 0044 (0)78 56453461 Seaniestewart@hotmail.com

2.

Music plays over opening credits. Various shots of Dublinstreets, landmarks. CUT TO: EXT. CRUMMY HOUSE IN DUBLIN The unmistakable sounds of a man and woman having sex can be heard. INT. EDS BEDROOM A disenchanted actor, MICK STAINS is having wild sex with a very pretty girl, ROISIN. She is on top. CUT TO: EXT. A SUBURBAN STREET A man (ED) approaches a house carrying a BLACK BRIEFCASE and walks towards the front door and knocks. Next door, there are CHILDRENS TOYS strewn about the tiny lawn and TWO YOUNG KIDS playing FOOTBALL. ED gives the kids a friendly nod. ANGRY LADY (V.O.) Turn that fuckin tv down! The door opens. ANGRY LADY is smoking a CIGARETTE and wearing some kind of bizarre green facial mask. ANGRY LADY What? ED stares nervously with a grinding smile. ANGRY LADY (CONT'D) We dont have a telly, were not buying anything, and if youve come to give me a bible you can fuck off! BACK TO: INT. EDS BEDROOM, A CRUMMY HOUSE. CLOSE UP OF A BOOK SITTING ON A BEDSIDE DRESSER. THE SIDE OF THE BOOK READS STANISLAVSKI: AN ACTOR PREPARES. A MOBILE PHONE SITS ON TOP OF A TABLE TENNIS PADDLE ON TOP OF THE BOOK. THE TIME READS 17:20.

3.

FOCUS SHIFTS TO AN ALARM CLOCK AND ON THE FACE OF THE CLOCK, WE CAN SEE THE VAGUE REFLECTION OF ROISIN SPANKING MICK WITH A TABLE TENNIS PADDLE.

MICK Yes, oh yes my gatekeeper! Yes my gatekeeper! BACK TO: EXT. THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR The TWO YOUNG KIDS are giggling and bouncing their FOOTBALL off EDs head as he gives his sales pitch. Their MOTHER and ED are not phased. ED And of course theres our Fibre Optic premium package which is up to 50 meg broadband, over 100 ondemand TV channels, 100 free minutes to Irish mobiles, unlimited weekend and evening landline calls, plus 100 minutes of international land-line calls to fixed destinations, all for just ninety nine euros a month including line rental and VAT. MOTHER We dont have a land-line. ED leans back and looks up at their land-line. The door slams in his face. BACK TO: INT. EDS BEDROOM, A CRUMMY HOUSE. Again, MICK and ROISIN are still wild at it. This time, ROISIN, being more vocal than MICK. MICK looks a little distracted. MICK Shit, I forgot to sign on. The music stops suddenly. ROISIN throttles MICK with a great right hook across the jaw CUT TO: INT. BACKSEAT OF A CAR.

4.

Close up of EDs face. He is listening to two co-workers (IAN and SIMON) in the driver and passenger seat of the car talking shit and eating TAKE-AWAYS. IAN Can you imagine her training? Will Decky promote her dya think? CUT TO Another co-worker (PAULA) walks towards the car wearing an insulated jacket. SIMON Paula? Will he fuck, I mean, would you bang her? IAN laughs. SIMON (CONTD) Here she comes. State of her. IAN And that coat. SIMON Looks like a fuckin lagging jacket. IAN and SIMON laugh. The car door opens and PAULA gets into the back of the car. SIMON (CONTD) How did you get on today lovely? PAULA Four, all premium packages. SIMON Super! High five! They high five. IAN Nice one Paula. SIMON Keep that up and youll be trainer in no time. The other door opens and another worker (CATRIONA) sits down. CATRIONA Hey, how did yas all get on? I sold three. The car engine starts and the view switches to behind the car. SIMON winds the window down.

5.

IAN Great stuff, threes the magic number. SIMON (V.O.) I think everyone sold out except Ed. The car drives off as the rubbish from the finished TAKEAWAYS are tossed out the window onto the street. CUT TO: EXT. DUBLIN CITY TRAFFIC LIGHTS. ED is stuck at red lights on his BICYCLE. He is wearing a suit and a big gammy bicycle helmet. He is singing to himself. He turns off the main road and onto an estate. CLOSE UP EDs glowing and singing a little louder now, cycling in arcs from left to right. He cycles over some broken glass and wobbles to a stop. He gets off his BICYCLE and inspects the tyre. Busted. It starts to rain. ED looks up. He wheels the BICYCLE down the road, as the rain pours down. Music volume lowers BACK TO: INT. EDS BEDROOM. Music fades in again. ROISIN is putting on her JEANS and MICK is inspecting his jaw in the MIRROR. We hear the KEY turn in the front door. MICK runs to the window and pulls back the curtain to peak outside and sees ED fiddling around with different KEYS. MICK Shit. You have to get out of here! Now! Quick! ROISIN Im not going anywhere until Ive had a shower. MICK puts on his TROUSERS, and throws ROISIN her T-SHIRT and a POLKA DOT BRA. MICK Are you mental? Its Ed!

6.

ROISIN panics. ROISIN What? You were supposed to set the alarm. MICK forces a half dressed ROISIN out into the living room. He opens the window. ROISIN (CONT'D) What the hell? This isnt even mine, you idiot. ROISIN throws a DISTINCTIVE POLKA DOT BRA at MICK which lands on the floor. MICK Hes coming in. Quick! Out! ROISIN No fucking way Mick, I cant fit through there. CUT TO: EXT. HOUSE DOOR The current KEY doesn't fit and ED selects another one. It opens the door. He picks up his BICYCLE and carries it into the hallway. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM ROISIN is halfway out the window, MICK forcefully assisting her. ROISIN speaks angrily, but tries to keep her voice down. ROISIN I can do this myself. Get a bloody back door key! MICK Hurry! MICK instinctively turns on the television and turns up the volume. We hear the front door closing. The sounds from a crime show on the television in the background can be heard through out the upcoming action. TV PRESENTER (O.S.) We believe this was a crime of passion. There was no sign of forced entry but detectives believe the assailant escaped through the living room window.

7.

MICK Hurry up! ROISIN My legs stuck! CUT TO: ED approaches the living room door but just before he opens it, he stops, turns back, opens the front door and takes his keys out of the front door lock. CUT TO: EXT. BACK YARD MICK pushes ROISIN the rest of the way out the window and she yelps and falls bum first into piles of rubbish which are stacked against the windowsill. ROISIN Bastard! MICK (Mouthing) Sorry (Gesturing) Call me! He pulls the curtains closed. ED (O.S.) Hey Honey! MICK notices the BRA on the floor, quickly picks it up and stuffs it into his back pocket. TV PRESENTER (O.S.) We believe there was a cover up and that the defence's star witness tried to clean up the crime scene. The door opens, to which the music stops/fades. MICK Hey love. Didn't hear ya come in.(Defensively) Fucking glare, reflections on the telly. How was work? MICK walks over and sits on the couch. A BLANK APPLICATION before him. ED Great! MICK Sell anything?

8.

ED (Laughs) No! (Addressing Micks topless attire) I see youve had a productive day. MICK Damn paper work! ED picks up MICK's application form. ED Hand in date was last week. MICK For fuck sakes. ED How did your audition for film idol go? MICK Film Star? Thats tomorrow. ED looks around the house hopelessly. What a shithole. He motions... ED Drinkies? MICK beams. CUT TO: EXT. BAR INT. BAR TABLE MICK and ED are tipsy and on a mission to get hammered. ED And? MICK I told her to fuck off. ED You idiot. MICK What? Two auditions all year shes got me. Two. Cash for Gold and fucking wrap-around HD sunglasses?

9.

ED (laughing) The ad was for HD sunglasses? Thats brilliant. MICK Can you believe that? ED (still laughing) Yep. MICK Where's the missus tonight? ED Working. We downloaded the Total Recall remake last night. Your friend was in it. MICK Who? Farrell? ED Yup. MICK drinks his SHOT. MICK Sellout! At least when I make it I'll be here, in Ireland, making Irish films. ED Bollocks. You'd be in L.A time doing the exact same And Colins done his bit, loads of Irish actors get foot in the door. MICK rolls his eyes. MICK Well, hes done fuck all for me. ED spots a familiar face over MICKS shoulder. ED Speaking of your friends, is that Dennis? MICK Dennis Cooke? MICK turns around, and back quickly in no thing. helped their

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MICK (CONTD) What a wanker! Is he coming over? DENNIS approaches them from behind MICK. He has an awkward smile revealing extremely bleached white teeth. A Hollywood smile so to speak. He is carrying a GLASS of champagne. MICK (CONT'D) Such a twat! And those teeth! DENNIS Jays Mick Stains! Id recognise the back of that head any day. How is the extra work coming along? Getting much? MICK Dennis. DENNIS I heard youre living it up with the crusties at Occupy Dame street. Good for you! MICK That was in 2011 Dennis. And I was just...researching a role. DENNIS (A sarcastic expression) Playing yourself were ya? Only messing... ED Hows things man? DENNIS Ah grand, my granny kicked the bucket there so Im just having a few scoops with the family. ED Sorry to hear. DENNIS takes a PHONE out of his pocket. DENNIS Excuse me one minute guys. Im vibrating here. DENNIS (CONTD) Ah! (whispering and winking) Steve Mc Queen. Yes Steve, hows it going? MICK and ED smile to each other.

11.

DENNIS (CONTD) Yeah I have his number here, Ill send it on to you...Yeah...No problem at all, listen, say hi to the missus for me. DENNIS winks at the guys again. DENNIS (CONTD) (Laughs) Ah you know me too well Steve... DENNISs PHONE rings in his hand. He awkwardly hangs up straight away. DENNIS (CONTD) Hed just hung up. Classic Steve. ED I thought it was on vibrate. DENNIS Its been acting up since I dropped it in a pint a while back. MICK and ED smile to each other again. ED So man, whats the plan now, working on anything exciting? DENNIS Bits and pieces Ed. Im actually going to check out these Film Star auditions tomorrow. Should be a laugh. You guys going? ED Don't really have the time these days. With work and all. DENNIS Maria got you under the thumb is it? You look a bit off colour, you alright? ED Yeah fine. Its just been an odd day. DENNIS Yeah days can be odd. Listen...need to shoot on, Im meeting up with Cillian Murphy and the lads. We're having a bit of a shindig tonight with some calender models. Should be epic. (MORE)

12. DENNIS (CONT'D) I might even get a sympathy shag, who knows?

MICK Cillian lives in London. DENNIS (Stares blankly for a second) Sorry not Cillian...Colin Farrell. He's home doing a film with Jim Sheridan. It's a fucker trying to get an audition for it. Luckily myself and Col go way back. Ballykissangel and all. Anyway Mick... ED, I'll be in touch mate, see ya in the headlines! DENNIS exits. MICK Cant stand that name dropping wankstain... DENNIS re-enters and interrupts MICK. He was close enough to hear but pretends he didnt. DENNIS Sorry fellas, yeah I was just gonna say sure, if there's any way I can twist Cols arm, Ill give you lads a call and try and get you in. MICK Yeah? ED I think were good Dennis. MICK and ED exchange glances. DENNIS Sure Ill send you a text if I can. Evening lads! DENNIS exits. ED He doesnt even know our numbers. MICK (Rolls his eyes) Whats the plan now then? Should we check out the fun fair?

13.

ED Drink up, It's dead in here. MICK It's half seven. CUT TO: EXT. CITY STREET - EVENING - LASHING RAIN ED and MICK walk slowly towards us getting soaked. ED is bare chested, his shirt round his shoulder, and carries a bottle of JAMESON. MICK is wearing an Ireland top hat and is drinking from a bottle of BUCKFAST between munching on CANDYFLOSS. MICK If you hate working there so much, just quit! ED I'm in a relationship, I have responsibilities. MICK Responsibilities- bollocks! A kid is a responsibility, a woman is an undertaking. Shot from behind as the two walk further down the street, getting absolutely soaked, passing jovial onlookers in doorways and smoking areas of pubs. ED You're an undertaking Mick. MICK Im a dream weaver is what I am. Just stick with me. We'll make actors out of ourselves yet, youll see. ED We'll have to make men out of ourselves first. MICK (With purpose) One thing at a time... A BEAT. ED and MICK start to laugh slowly. FADE OUT. CUT TO:

14.

INT. NIGHTCLUB MICK and ED sit at a table. They speak loudly over the music. MICK I'm a generation too late that's my problem. ED Your problem is your attitude. MICK That's crap. My attitude is mint. (looking around) It's a goddamn cock-fest in here. ED We could still make the late screening of Captain Phillips. MICK Fuck that, download it! Were getting pissed! CUT TO: BAR MICK and ED down a SHOT. CUT TO: MICK and ED, standing looking out at the dance-floor holding PINTS, very static. BACK TO: BAR MICK and ED down another SHOT. BACK TO: MICK and ED, standing Looking out at the dancefloor holding, PINTS, heads bobbing. BACK TO: BAR MICK and ED down another SHOT. CUT TO:

15.

DANCEFLOOR The music is really pumping now. We see various clips of ED performing a robot dance whilst MICK performs a weird chicken dance. Clearly quite drunk with wide smiles and estranged looks from onlookers. CUT TO: CLOSE UP OF THE FABULOUS DERRIERE OF A FEMALE DANCER. MICK pinches her behind as ED swings into view, unaware. She turns and ED gives her a friendly wave. She slaps ED across the face. BACK TO: BAR MICK and ED down another SHOT. CUT TO: NIGHTCLUB TABLE AREA MICK is being held back by ED, who is determined to approach DERRIERE GIRL Her THICK BOYFRIEND hovers in her vicinity along with other friends. ED Hes probably her boyfriend man, fucking let it go. MICK Stop blockcocking me man! Jesus. MICK pushes past ED and slumps into the table where DERRIERE GIRL is minding her own business. He knocks over a PINT of beer ruining her dress and brazenly steals another PINT from the table. DERRIERE GIRL Fuck sakes! THICK BOYFRIEND Thats my fucking pint son! MICK SuckED Mick dont do it! MICK -My....

16.

ED steps between MICK and the THICK BOYFRIEND acting as a buffer ED Im sorry hes had way too much! CUT TO: EXT. CLUB EXIT Switch to MICK and ED outside the club. ED has a BLOODY TISSUE hanging out of his nose. MICK puts down his PHONE. MICK -Balls! No taxis. Looks like we're walking. They start to walk away from the camera. MICK (CONTD) Blood all over my shirt. ED gives MICK a look. MICK is too busy inspecting himself to notice. ED (Aside) Its my fucking shirt! MICK Is it? FADE OUT. CUT TO: TV SHOW INTRO FOOTAGE FOR FILM STAR FOLLOWED BY A FAMILIAR AND VERY CHEESY SOUNDBITE. YOURE A FILM STAR CUT TO: VARIOUS MOCK FOOTAGE OF PEOPLE QUEUEING AND WAITING WITH NUMBERS ON THEIR CHESTS (JUST LIKE X FACTOR). CONTESTANTS ARE DRESSED UP LIKE VARIOUS ICONIC CHARACTERS AND ACTORS, I.E THE HULK, AUDREY HEPBURN, MARILYN MONROE, IRON MAN ETC. SHOW NARRATOR (V.O.) Today, Film Star lands in Dublin hoping to get a similar response to that of London. (MORE)

17. SHOW NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D) People from all over Ireland are queuing up for their chance to impress the judges and one of them is Dennis Cooke...

CUT TO: VARIOUS FOOTAGE OF DENNIS WHO IS WEARING BLUE WAR-PAINT LIKE WILLIAM WALLACE FROM BRAVEHEART, SITTING ON A CHAIR, STANDING LOOKING NERVOUS ETC. HE LOOKS TEARY -EYED NEAR THE END OF THE SCENE. AN INTERVIEWER IS PRESENT IN THE LAST SCENE. Gentle piano music plays as DENNIS narrates. DENNIS (V.O.) After my granny died, its just put everything into perspective. A SLIDESHOW OF VARIOUS CHEESY PHOTOGRAPHS OF DENNIS AND HIS GRANNY FILL THE SCREEN. DENNIS She always believed in me and was always there for me when I needed her support and I know things will never be the same again. But I do believe her spirit will shine through and live on through my acting... INTERVIEWER Nows your chance to shine. CUT TO: EXT: EARLY MORNING. MICK AND ED'S HOUSE - RAINING A taxi waits outside beeping the horn. ED exits wearing a suit and runs toward the car, using his BRIEFCASE as an umbrella. He gets in and the taxi pulls off. BACK TO: INT. FILM STAR AUDITION ROOM DENNIS is hamming the shit out of a dramatic piece for the judges. His performance is totally over the top. We catch the end of his audition. DENNIS They may take our freedom... but they'll never take our independenceDennis takes a deep breath before finishing dramatically.

18.

-day! The JUDGES give each other a few approving nods, JUDGE 1 (the Cheryl Cole judge) has a tear in her eye. JUDGE 1 Dennis, being completely honest, you blew me away. And I love that you changed some of the words there at the end, you really made it your own.. I think your grandmother would be very proud. DENNIS (Teary eyed) Thanks so much Donna. JUDGE 2 It was well prepared, you just came in and did it. You act like a film star, you look like a film star, Id put you in a film, its a yes from me. JUDGE 3 Its bad news Im afraid Dennis... Music starts to get louder and more dramatic as DENNIS waits nervously. JUDGE 3 (CONT'D) Youve got a long flight ahead of you... because youre going to be joining us in Boot camp in Hollywood California. Music reaches a peak DENNIS celebrates wildly, running out of the room, waving his CONTESTANT NUMBER towards the screen and in MICKs face, who waits outside the room. CUT TO: INT. ED'S WORKPLACE. ED enters a room, as a young smug trainer, SIMON, delivers a cocky little presentation on the word 'ATTITUDE' which is written on a whiteboard. SIMON That's right. Determination. Highfive that shit buddy! (MORE)

19. SIMON (CONT'D) (He high fives a colleague) And, Catriona, what do you think E stands for?

CATRIONA Excitement? SIMON Yesss! (Writes excitement under E) Why's it important to always be excited? CATRIONA Because excitement is contagious. The more excited you are, the more excited the customer will be. SIMON Exactly! SIMON makes a real point out of looking up at ED, then down at his WATCH. SIMON (CONT'D) Declan wants to see you in the office. SIMON (CONT'D) Remember your SEX factors guys. Smile, Eye contact, eXcitement. Crucial. And always ask "yes yes" questions before your closing lines. BACK TO: INT. FILM STAR AUDITION ROOM. MICK is standing before the judges under a spotlight. MICK Hi, my name is Mick Stains and Ill be.... JUDGE 2 just sits mouth wide open. Hes distracting MICK somewhat. JUDGE 1 Is that a stage name or your real name? The JUDGES have a laugh amongst themselves. MICK Its my real name.

20.

JUDGE 1 Okay Mick Stains, what will you be performing for us? MICK Ill be performing Casseus speech from William Shakespeares Julius Caesar. CUT TO: INT. DECLANS OFFICE ED enters to find his boss DECLAN sitting behind his desk with two other company board members, one male, one female. DECLAN Alright Edward. Come on in and take a seat. ED enters and sits down. DECLAN stares at him for a moment. Sizing him up, smiling smugly. DECLAN (CONT'D) Edward, do you know what the secret to success is? ED shrugs. DECLAN (CONT'D) The secret is there is no secret. Its all in theED -Attitude. DECLAN Exactly! High five! ED concedes. DECLAN (CONTD) This is Rachel O Connor from our Galway Branch, and Cathal Egan from our Cork branch. RACHEL You were late today. ED My bike's banjaxed so I had to get a taxi and it was late picking me up.

21.

CATHAL You know your target is three apps a day, can you explain why your average has dropped to seven a week? ED Wait what is this? Am I being fired? RACHEL Its just a review. DECLAN I see you didn't shave this morning. ED Well, you know, Ian has a beard and you never seem to get on to him about shaving. DECLAN That's different Ed, Ian has a proper full beard. ED Well how are you ever supposed to grow a full beard if you have to shave every day? CATHAL Are you proud of your job here at NRG Marketing Direct Ltd? ED Proud? DECLAN It's a simple question Ed! ED Uhhh... DECLAN You see, right now youre here. He motions with his hand. DECLAN (CONTD) We need you up here (signalling higher), okay? Now let's see that winner's mentality, high five! They high-five. DECLAN pulls a RAZOR from his drawer.

22.

DECLAN (CONTD) Now, if you wouldnt mind... CUT TO: INT. TOILETS, EDS WORKPLACE ED 'miserably' looks at himself in the mirror. His face is SMOTHERED in SHAVING CREAM. A RAZOR and SHAVING CREAM sit beside the sink. He rinses his face with water. We hear sound effects of a jet engine starting up/ kettle boiling. MICK (V.O.) If you hate working there so much, just quit, just quit, just quit! CUT TO: INT. EDS WORKPLACE, TRAINING ROOM

People are practising pitching customers amongst themselves. ED walks into the training room and stands before the board. SIMON looks at him and holds up a WHITE BOARD MARKER. SIMON You doing a presentation? ED Yeah. (Regarding the marker) Got one! Ed takes out his own MARKER. BACK TO: INT. FILM STAR AUDITION ROOM MICK is giving a brilliant and sincere audition. The camera is very slowly zooming in on his face. Despite this, his piece is interlaced with shots of the JUDGES looking bored. The following is accompanied by subtitles... MICK Brutus and Caesar: what should be in that 'Caesar'? Why should that name be sounded more than yours? Write them together, yours is as fair a name... SUBTITLES READ... Mick Stains and Dennis Cooke. What should be in that Dennis? Why should that name be sounded more than mine? Write them together, mine is as fair a name.

23.

JUDGE 3 Mick... MICK (CONT.) Sound them, it doth become the mouth as well; JUDGE 3 Mick Stains... The JUDGES laugh and smile at each other. MICK (CONT.) Weigh them, it is as heavy; conjure with 'em, Brutus will start a spirit as soon as Caesar. JUDGE 3 I think weve heard enough. CLOSE UP ON MICKS FACE. SHOT DOWN AGAIN. BACK TO: INT. EDS WORKPLACE, TRAINING ROOM

We see a whiteboard with the word DICKHEADS written on it. Perpendicular to each letter is the name of a co-worker. His work colleagues are in shock. ED Well Dickheads, thats my presentation for today. Youre alright Paula, but youre too good for this place. Theyre not going to promote you, you should get out of here. As for the rest of you? Adious, Kumbaya and suck my balls you bunch of vacuous dickholes! ED exits slamming the door behind him. After a moment he pops his head back in. ED (CONTD) And thats permanent marker. CUT TO: INT. MICK AND EDS HOUSE, HALLWAY. We hear the KEY turning in the door and MICK enters. Exhausted, he goes straight to his bedroom and collapses

24.

onto the bed. CUT TO: EXT. STREET DAYTIME - LASHING RAIN. ED walks down the street in an emotional state wiping tears from his eyes, kicking a FANTA CAN, still using his BRIEFCASE as an umbrella. He walks past a skip and tosses his BRIEFCASE into the trash. He loosens his tie and just before he walks on, he notices a MAGAZINE amongst the trash. On the front cover, a picture of Orlando Bloom holding an Oscar with the text About Blooming Time, Orlando takes best actor. ED picks up the MAGAZINE as if to be sure its real. CUT TO: INT. MICK'S BEDROOM MICK sleeps, only to be woken by a BUCKET OF COLD WATER soaking his head. He bolts upright. MICK LEAK! ED Get up! MICK What time is it? ED Five to get the fuck up and do something! MICK looks at the CLOCK. MICK What why aren't you at work? Why am I fucking soaking? (even more shocked) Are you angry? ED I've had enough Mick. Now get up. MICK Alright God let me get dressed. Fucking hell. Was there any bloody need for that? ED Yes Mick there's a serious blooming need. Look around you. I can't live like this anymore.

25.

MICK Jesus! I'll make tea... ED (Tearfully) There's no milk. There's never any milk. The fridge is empty. Again! MICK Then we'll get milk. And everything will be okay. Yeah? ED hesitantly nods in agreement, still upset. He wipes his eyes. MICK (CONT'D) Have you got some euros? ED Here. ED hands him a TENNER from his WALLET. ED (CONT'D) Get me a Tangle Twister as-well. MICK Can I get one? ED (fobs him off) Just dont forget the milk.. MICK exits still drenched. ED takes a moment to gather himself. He takes out his PHONE. CUT TO EXT : LUAS LINE PLATFORM. A tram is approaching from behind. MARIA takes her PHONE out of her bag and answers it. She is wearing a bandage on her right hand. MARIA Hey... You not at work? BACK TO ED ED You free to chat? MARIA VO Yeah, my battery's almost dead though, what's up?

26.

ED I quit. MARIA VO What? ED I quit work. MARIA VO You did not? ED Yup. BACK TO MARIA MARIA Why? How did this happen, Edward? ED VO I dont want you to worry about it Maria. Itll be fine. Its a long story. A beat ED VO (CONTD) Can I call in on your break? MARIA I wont have time. Im on my way back from the hospital here. Chopped off part of my finger at work. BACK TO ED ED Fuck off. How BIG? BACK TO MARIA MARIA Not that big, just the last digit. Its nothing really. You might be doing the cooking tonight though. ED VO Jesus! Right, I`m on my way. Where will I meet you? MARIA Its okay. Ill call round after work. BACK TO ED

27.

ED You`re not going back to work are ya? BACK TO MARIA. She gets on the Luas. Its pretty jammed. MARIA I'm only on til six. They reattached it, it feels weird. ED VO You`re an idiot. How the hell did you manage to chop off your finger? MARIA I need to head on here. BACK TO ED ED Okay, so, here at seven o clock, then? BACK TO MARIA. She gets pushed and shoved until she`s right beside the Luas door. It closes behind her. MARIA I'm pretty shattered but, yeah, I'll see. Listen before I forget, did I leave my bra at yours by any chance, the polka dot one? BACK TO ED ED Dont think so. MARIA VO Jesus, fuck! BACK TO MARIA. She is jerking her head forward but her hair has got stuck in the Luas door. MARIA Fuck my life. Ed, I have to go, call me later. BACK TO ED. MARIAs grunts still audible over the PHONE for a second before the line goes dead.

28.

ED Hey... CUT TO: EXT. AFTERNOON, MICK AND EDS HOUSE INT. KITCHEN MICK pours two CUPS of black tea from a TEAPOT. There are used TEA-BAGS and coffee rings all over the sink. The sink itself is blocked and filled with stale water. A mountain of FILTHY PLATES are stacked up on the counter. The sound effects of flies come in and out of earshot. The place is a shit-hole. MICK There there! Its just a mild dose of The fear. Nothing a good old cup of Barrys tea wont fix. All will be right in the world again. Cant believe I forgot the milk... MICK sits down and slowly slurps his tea. The slurps are extremely loud. He smiles at ED. Its awkward. MICK (CONTD) Did you tell Maria yet? Close up of ED, then a close up of MICKs lips, slurping again. MICK (CONTD) Shell be fine Im sure. You should give my agent a call (treading carefully)...later. Maybe youll have better luck, a pretty face like yours.. ED No more bloody agents. Another slurp. ED (CONTD) How did Film Star go? MICK Swimmingly. ED So you didnt go? Uneasy silence.

29.

MICK You okay? ED We have to clean this place. MICK shrugs it off. ED (CONTD) After our tea. MICK takes a big gulp. He then picks up the TEAPOT and refills his CUP. MICK Hot drop? ED God you really are a lazy bastard aren't you? MICK What has gotten into you? A beat. ED hesitates. MICK (CONT'D) Eddiebear, did Maria break up with you? Another beat. MICK stands up. MICK (CONT'D) Come here. (Outstretching his arms for a hug) ED Orlando Bloom got best actor. Another beat. MICK Ill get the Jameson. ED No. Thats it Mick. Im done. Ive been tying my balls in a knot going door to door and youre scratching yours on the dole whilst Orlando Bloom is winning Oscars for playing Orlando Fucking Bloom. No more bullshit, no more waiting on agents and auditions. Its time to make the change. Its time to make it happen.

30.

MICK (Confused) Make it happen? ED You start in the kitchen, Ill take the living room. MICK Wha? ED Were cleaning! MICK takes a look around and shrugs. MICK This aint so bad. This aint bad at all. Okay lets clean this bitch. CUT TO: Music plays A montage shows ED and MICK scrubbing the place all over. Using a PLUNGER to unblock the sink. Taking out rubbish. Cleaning the DISHES, hoovering, spraying AIR FRESHENER. Rearranging the sofas to find plates and old slices of pizza. Mopping the floors, bleaching the toilet, throwing BEER CANS into a bin-bag, washing the windows, finding DEAD MICE etc. The two stand in the living room. It is spotless. Music stops. MICK (CONTD) It's beautiful. Good job. MICK pats ED on the back, enters the kitchen and comes back in with two LOOP THE LOOPS. MICK (CONT'D) Hey! Your feet don't stick to the floor anymore! Not bad..not too bad at all. MICK throws ED a LOOP THE LOOP onto the sofa. MICK unwraps his and leaves the wrapping on the floor. He flicks the television on. ED turns it off. MICK (CONT'D) Not more cleaning Ed I've got granny fingers. ED What are you doing? Did you listen to anything I said?

31.

MICK looks a little anxious. MICK About what? ED Making it happen! I'm talking about action. MICK Action... ED (smiling and nodding) Yes! Action! Im talking about writing our own script. MICK But we're not writers, were actors! ED Exactly. And an actor prepares! We can do this. Whats in right now?... Think! MICK Remakes. Face it Ed, we could be sitting on the best script in the world and it wouldnt make any difference. Were nobodies. Investors want a sure bet. And sure bets are remakes with big names. If you actually are serious about this then fuck going round in circles. What we need isnt a script, its exposure! ED Im well aware of that, but how the hell do you get exposure when you cant get your foot in the door? MICK (A beat/ epiphany) Have you ever heard of the cinnamon challenge? CUT TO: INT: INTERNET CAFE, CLOSE UP OF ED INFRONT OF A MONITOR. ED Twenty six million views, Christ on a bike Mick. (MORE)

32. ED (CONT'D) Twenty six million views for eating a spoonful of cinnamon? How many views has your last short film got?

MICK runs a search. MICK Forty-Two. You see what I mean? People dont want art, they want bullshit. Keyboard cat- twenty nine million, Gangham style nearly two hundred million hits. This is the key. This is where we can find an audience. Get our names out there. Its all about the approach. ED I dont want internet fame, I want work. Real credible acting work. MICK Because were real credible actors Ed. ED What? MICK Thats how we do it. We expose ourselves on here to these people as real credible actors. ED Who the hell is going to believe that? MICK People are stupid Ed, theyll believe anything. Look at Kony 2012! That shit got like a hundred million hits, raised bucket loads of cash, and it was all bullshit. Make a video documentary about our careers with a humanitarian slant, throw in a few whale noises and shots of nature and people will lap it up. Mick Stains and Edward Shields, actors extroardinare shun fame to save the world. People will love us and people will want to hire us. ED Sounds immoral. MICK It is.

33.

Music plays CUT TO: EXT. CITY STREET MICK and ED walk towards the camera. ED Dave Tilley is a whizz on computers and still owes me for cutting me from 'Austen and King Pharaoh': he can edit for us. MICK stops. MICK What, Dave Tilley? As in Dave Dave? ED Yeah come on! MICK nervously continues walking. MICK Doesnt he edit porn? ED The software is all the same. So... we get nobodies to pretend to be big Russian and Polish directors... and film them talking about how we helped pioneer this new master-class of acting, 'new Stanislavski'. Bobs your uncle! MICK No, no way man, I want someone else, Dave doesnt do it for me. ED You got any better suggestions? MICK Okay, bear with me. Well come back to that. I like the New Stanislavski thing, thats good, but weve got to identify our humanitarian niche and how New Stanislavski relates to it. ED is listening.

34.

MICK (CONT'D) Like wed need to be helping kids with autism through the language of theatre and movement or some shit. ED Thats dark. MICK Well nobody will give a shit about New Stanislavski unless its healing the world. ED Autism is a bit close to home. The less people know about who and what it is were helping the better. MICK Fine, well stick to a third world issue, whatevers in right now. Like those Congo kids working in the cobalt mines, thats a real hip tear-jerker. ED I like it, its ballsy. MICK Well rake in the youtube hits. Trust me. But Im putting my foot down on Dave. Ill do the editing. ED You cant even use MS Paint. BEAT They walk into a charity shop and walk out with a bag containing a suit. They continue to coin new ideas for headlines regarding their humanitarian work, laughing at each new idea. MICK Mick Stains and Edward Shields turn their back on Hollywood to set up a New Stanislavski Acting school in the Congo ED Mick and Ed open a scholarship fund MICK Mick and Ed become UN ambassadors.

35.

ED Adopt a Somalian. Beat MICK Well... ED Well stick to the humanitarian work and... MICK Yeah...Studios are bloody expensive though, so well have to wing it somehow. ED Dave has his own set up. Its sweet. MICK (aside) Fucking Dave (Mick concedes)... MICK (CONTD) What about cameras? ED Who did Roisin get to film "Beauty on the beast" that time? MICK Some media student. They worked together before though, some play Roisin was in. ED Roisin doesnt do plays. Shes a porn star...not an actress. MICK stops as ED walks on. MICK Really? ED turns around. Music fades. ED Beauty on the beast? Come on, we need to find an internet caf! CUT TO:

36.

EXT. A FIELD Close up of a film CLIPBOARD. The film title reads WAR WHORES. PORN DIRECTOR VO: And Cut! DIRECTOR Okay everyone, were going to break for lunch. I want to see everyone back here in half an hour.... Cast and crew disperse. ROISIN, wearing a bath robe walks off set and approaches DAVE who is standing drinking a COFFEE. DAVE Hows my favourite porn star? ROISIN What are you doing here? DAVE Wheres my kiss? ROISIN Dave... DAVE I just thought Id say hello, see what youre up to. ROISIN You came to watch me. DAVE wears a comical guilty expression. ROISIN (CONTD) Dave, you cant be here its too weird. You have to... DAVE Move on!... yeah, yeah. Dont get ahead of yourself, its not just that. Ive been invited to a party. A lot of big names will be there, Cillian Murphy, Fassbender etc. I have a plus one. ROISIN (a beat) Cillian Murphy and Michael Fassbender? DAVE Maybe Brendan Gleeson and Colin Farrell too, and not just actors, directors and writers too. (MORE)

37. DAVE (CONT'D) Its the chance youve been waiting for Roish, make some real contacts.

ROISIN Where would we be staying? DAVE London.. ROISINSs eyes enquire further. DAVE (CONTD) In a hotel... ROISINs still waits for an answer. DAVE (CONTD) Double room. ROISIN No, Dave its just... DAVE comically holds his finger to Roisins lips. DAVE Sssshhhh. Dont answer now, just think about it and call round to the studio later on and well talk about it. I could cook us something really nice, maybe have a glass of wine... ROISIN You mean order a take away and smoke weed? When have you ever cooked anything? DAVE thinks stupidly. ROISIN (CONTD) Im busy tonight anyway but Ill call round during the week. You should really go though. Itll put me off. DAVE waits for his kiss and ROISIN concedes. DAVE turns and walks away. ROISIN (CONTD) Youve got to stop watching me work. Its creepy. DAVE turns as he walks away.

38.

DAVE Dont worry Roish, its not like I keep all those hours of stock footage when I cut your movies. ROISIN rolls her eyes and walks back on set. CUT TO: EXT. AN INTERNET CAF. INT. INTERNET CAF Both MICK and ED sit by a computer. MICK Go into the curriculum; find the names of the top professors. ED obliges. These on-screen actions are accompanied by cheesy digital sound effects, like in the movies, ie screens loading up etc. ED Moira Brown. He pastes an email address into the "new email tab" MICK Dear Miss Brown ED I am writing on behalf of They both look to each other. ED (CONTD) We need a name for the Russian Acting school. MICK What? ED We studied and became massive in Russia. MICK Yeah? ED So we need to think of a name for the acting school where we studied.

39.

MICK The only Russian names I know are Vladamir Putin and Roman Polanski. ED Me too. MICK Ro...manski? ED Sounds okay. FADE OUT. FADE IN: EXT. UCD COLLEGE INT: (LECTURERS OFFICE) A lecturer (MOIRA BROWN) reads an email. MOIRA On behalf of the Romanski School of Acting. We is to film a documentary film to the special regard of Mick Stains and Edward Shields, two of our finest practitioners of New Art of Stanislavski for media students? MOIRA looks a little confused but reads on. MOIRA (CONTD) We is to hoping that UCD can offer the accommodation of our two fine pioneers of New art of Stanislavski for making of speech to the students. The resulting of speech is to offer camera role for documentary film that we extend to offer the making of to a student of the college. Please let us to be informed of a date, time and venue place suitable for speech made by Mr. Stains and Mr. Shields. Sincerely yours... DISSOLVE TO: INT. INTERNET CAFE MICK laughing, ED looks on.

40.

MICK Vladimir Polanski. ED What if he searches for a website? DISSOLVE TO: INT. LECTURERS OFFICE MOIRA Vladimir Polanski. P.S, Please reply to email address shown here as our IT Director of studies Mr. Roman Putin is fixing problem with School Website .. MOIRA wears a dubious expression. BACK TO: INT. INTERNET CAFE ED Is this legal? MICK It's fraud. It's frowned upon I'm sure. CUT TO: EXT. MODERN FLAT CUT TO: INT. (EDITING SUITE) DAVE is pretty stoned and editing porn footage. We see him gruelling over the footage. He is smoking a JOINT and sweating profusely. MICK and ED are behind him. DAVE Jesus Christ Monkey balls... piece of shit time code ED So what dya say Dave? DAVE Its a retarded idea. MICK Its a deadly idea!

41.

DAVE Okay, interviewing directors, then dubbing over them without prior consent...hmm pretty sure thats illegal. Setting up fake IMDB and Wikipedia profiles would take ages... photoshopping yourself beside world leaders and setting up acting schools in the Congo? Pft A beat. DAVE (CONTD) Did Dennis put you up to this? MICK Were not talking about interviewing or dubbing over real directors, well use people off the street, like homeless people and shit. DAVE (sarcastically) Oh forgive me. I thought your approach was simply illegal, not grotesquely immoral. Yeah that sounds awesome. ED You edit porn for a living Dave, less of the high horse talk. DAVE If youre so famous already why will nobody have heard of you before your amazing viral documentary. Hang on let me strap in. ED Because we shunned Hollywood to focus on our humanitarian career. DAVE laughs uncontrollably. DAVE Thats so retarded...and desperate. DAVE tries to get back to his work. MICK Fuck you man (to ED) Come on lets go. DAVE looks back at his monitor.

42.

DAVE Wank! Keeps going out of sync. The piece of footage disappears. DAVE (CONT'D) Wh? Where did it go? Where? ED You minimized and dragged it down (pointing) DAVE Boosh!!! well spotted Batman...ah unbelieveable... DAVE continues to snigger a little and puts on his HEAD PHONES. MICK and ED look at each other. ED Aww Come on Dave It'll be fun. DAVE I dont doubt that but sorry boys. Too risky and too retarded, plus I don't do free. No pay? (jovially) No fuckin way sir! ED (Hesitant but forces it out) ) Don't be a dick Dave. You totally screwed me over on 'Austen and King Pharaoh'. You owe me. DAVE removes his HEAD PHONES. DAVE (Laughs) Firstly, you needed an editor and begged me to edit that for you. Secondly, I saved you on 'Austen and King Pharaoh'! It was fucking shite. How can a king be a pharaoh? In Texas for that matter! That's what you get for working with a Shwedish director. I cut you out to save your career man. You still owe me for that. DAVE puts his HEAD PHONES back on. MICK reluctantly nods to ED in agreement. ED Come on Dave. One bloody favour.

43.

DAVE Aww Fuck yeah that's good. DAVE looks back at them and takes off his HEAD PHONES again. DAVE (CONT'D) You see this footage here? ED What about it? DAVE These two made it all the way through to the end of the shoot but when it came to the cumshot the guy lost wood and couldnt blow his load on yer ones face. MICK So? DAVE So I had to find stock footage of a stunt cock, taken last year, cut footage of him blowing his load and then insert footage of a yogurt solution being lobbed onto her face. Adjust the lighting and it looks like one fluid motion, excuse the pun, shot on the same day, by the same male pornstar. A BEAT MICK & ED Yeah, thats actually pretty impressive. MICKs PHONE rings in his pocket. DAVE Thats why I get paid. MICK takes out his PHONE and answers it. MICK Hello? CUT TO EXT: STREET MARIA is on the PHONE and on her way home from work. MARIA Hey Mick, is Ed with you?

44.

MICK VO Yeah, do you MARIA Dont say anything if he's there. Leave the room if you can. BACK TO INT. EDITING SUITE MICK looks to ED and DAVE. MICK I'll be back in two minutes. MICK leaves the room. ED Dave! DAVE Get a proper script and story boards, get funding andED An ounce. DAVE spins around on his chair. He takes a drag, flicks some ash into his ASHTRAY and takes another drag. DAVE You have my attention. CUT TO INT: OUTSIDE THE DOOR OF EDITING SUITE MICK Is everything okay? BACK TO EXT: STREET MARIA Yeah Im just... you know Eds birthday is coming up in a few weeks? MICK VO Is it?

45.

MARIA Yes, and Ive been racking my brains about what to get him. I was wondering if you would have any ideas? Is there anything he needs? BACK TO INT: OUTSIDE THE DOOR OF EDITING SUITE MICK May I speak freely? MARIA VO: Yeah. MICK Steak and BJ! You cant go wrong. BACK TO EXT. STREET MARIA It's his 30th. I want it to be special. You know him better than anyone. MICK VO I'd have to think about it. MARIA Are you busy? Do you want to call round for tea in a bit and help me out? MICK VO Yeah, suppose why not. MARIA Not a word to Ed. MICK VO No probs. MARIA Half six ok? BACK TO

46.

INT: OUTSIDE THE DOOR OF EDITING SUITE MICK Yep thats fine, sure I'll see ya then. BACK TO: INT. EDITING SUITE ED Half when we start and half when we're finished. DAVE Brown or Green? MICK re-enters. ED Hash. DAVE smiles. DAVE Go fish. I can get brown any day of the week, stocks in green however are up since this feckin drought. Get me some good weed and Ill maybe consider it. But I wont put my name on it. He turns back to his monitor. ED and MICK look at each other. MICK nods to ED to seal a deal. ED If you cant get any where the hell am I gonna find some? DAVE thinks for a second and slowly turns around on his chair. DAVE Dont you have anything else to bargain with young Ed? CUT TO: EXT. STREET IN DUBLIN MICK and ED exit the studio. They start to walk down the street.

47.

MICK Well there goes that idea, who else do we know? ED Hell come around. Let him sleep on it. MICK Right, Ive a few things to do up the town so see you back at the gaf later? ED What do you have to do? MICK Just stuff, I wanna get done. I might actually see if theres any plays on. Just do something. ED Suit yourself, so you'll probably be a few hours then? MICK I'll be a while anyway. Sure I'll see ya in a bit ED looks at his WATCH. Just after 6 p.m. He has an idea. B.O Cue MUSIC CUT TO

EXT. SHOPPING CENTRE INT. SHOPPING CENTRE CHECK OUT A clerk scans a CARTON OF MILK, a CHICKEN, BROCCOLI, CARROTS, PARSNIPS, GRAVY GRANULES, some SCENTED CANDLES, TEA LIGHTS and a BOTTLE OF RED WINE. ED starts to bag the various items. CUT TO EXT. SUBURBAN STREET ED crosses a road with his hands full carrying SHOPPING BAGS filled to the brim. A CARTON OF MILK wedged under his armpit.

48.

CUT TO INT. MARIAS HOUSE MARIA and MICK are sitting on the couch surrounded with ARGOS CATALOGUES etc. A LAPTOP rests on the coffee table. They are discussing ideas but there is no audio. CUT TO

EXT. MICK AND EDS HOUSE ED is holding the bags and trying to unlock the door. The CARTON OF MILK drops and bursts on the doorstep. Back to INT. MARIAS HOUSE MICK and MARIA are checking the price of hotels for different Irish destinations online. BACK TO INT. MICK AND EDS HOUSE. ED puts the CHICKEN into the oven. BACK TO INT. MARIAS HOUSE MARIA is entering credit card details. Shes paying for a four day break in County Kerry. BACK TO MICK and EDs house ED is sitting at the dinner table, CANDLES lit. He looks a bit nervous. ED takes out his PHONE and calls MARIA. Her phone is dead. The time on his PHONE reads 19.30. He turns down the temperature in the oven, blows out all the CANDLES and quickly dons his JACKET and heads for the door. CUT TO

49.

EXT. MARIAS STREET ED walks towards MARIAS house CUT TO EXT. MARIAS HOUSE ED approaches the door. Just as he is about to knock the door opens and he comes face to face with MICK. MARIA is close behind. MICK Ed scared the shit out of me! ED What, what are you doing here? Is Maria there? MICK Just thought I'd pop in for tea on my way home. MARIA Hey I didnt know you were calling round. ED I sort of planned dinner for us, I thought you were coming over. MARIA Im just running a bit late and Mick called in for tea. Just let me grab a jacket and we'll head now. She hurries off. ED shouts after her. ED Be quick Maria, Ive got stuff in the oven. Just some finger food. MARIA (OFFSCREEN) Ha ha! MICK shuffles awkwardly. ED Did you see it? Is it bad? MICK It's bandaged. You want me to disappear for a couple of hours. ED You wouldn't mind?

50.

MICK Consider it done. MICK (SHOUTING) (CONTD) Thanks for the tea Maria, see ya later. MICK winks at ED. CUT TO EXT. MARIAS HOUSE MICK leaves. FADE OUT.

CUT TO: INT. EDS BEDROOM. LATE EVENING ED and MARIA are having loud sex. B.O EXT. MICK AND EDS HOUSE - MORNING Sfx Shower. ED can be heard singing jovially, Roar', by Katie Perry. INT. EDS BEDROOM MARIA gets out of bed and starts to change. She looks content until something foreign catches her eye on the floor at the side of EDs bed. CLOSE UP OF ROISINS BRA. MARIA picks up the BRA. She simmers for a moment before letting rip. MARIA ED! CUT TO: EXT. MICK AND EDS HOUSE. MARIA storms out the door followed by ED wearing just a towel. The towel falls off and he embarrassingly wraps it back round him.

51.

ED What did I do? Will you stop and talk to me please? MARIA If you dont want to get caught cheating, tell your skanky pieces on the side to take their damn bras home with them, asshole! ED What are you talking about? Will you talk to me please? MARIA Go to hell! ED FINE! Be like that.... A female PASSER-BY shakes her head in disgrace as she walks by. ED (CONTD) What? FADE OUT. FADE IN: EXT. DAYTIME, RAINING, MICK AND ED'S HOUSE. INT: MICK AND ED'S LIVING ROOM. MICK reads out a PRINTED EMAIL to ED. ED looks downtrodden. MICK Dear Mr. Polanski. Here at UCD, our aim is to offer our students a diverse and open-approach towards their studies. (He clears his throat) It is not uncommon for us to facilitate speakers on behalf of lesser known practices. I have consulted the theatre department and they have suggested a noncompulsory after hours slot this Friday February 26th at 6.00 pm in their theatre. Please ring blab la bla to confirm your booking. (MORE)

52. MICK (CONT'D) As documentary studies is part of our first year curriculum, I feel this would be a great opportunity for our students to consider wait for it"New Stanislavski" (laughs) Fucking hell, they bought it as a viable case study for their documentary module. We look forward to hearing from you, both in correspondence and in person. Regards Moira Brown. Media Dept UCD. Extension 4125. We did it man!

ED No way, unlimited access to the UCD theatre departments equipment? Fuckin dancer! CUT TO: EXT. ED AND MICK'S HOUSE. DAVE approaches the door and rings the doorbell. BACK TO: INT: MICK AND ED'S LIVING ROOM. MICK looks curiously at ED. ED gets up suddenly and rushes to the door. He opens it. ED What are you doing here? DAVE Arent you gonna invite me in? ED (confused) Yeah come in... DAVE Jaysus, this place is looking clean. Looked like a crack den the last time I was here...Mick, He jumps onto the couch and kicks off his shoes. He takes out a Cheech and Chong VIDEO BOX from his coat. He opens it and takes out a GRINDER and some SKINS. DAVE (CONTD) I'm going to build an auld shpliffy lads if you don't mind. The universe blessed me today. (MORE)

53. DAVE (CONTD) Got back from London, totally jet lagged, couldnt find a lighter anywhere when I got back to the gaf. In my desperate state my only recourse was to check down the side of the sofa where low and behold, I found a gram of Mexican haze. I could probably fetch forty euro for this little bag of happiness given the current climate, but as my mother always says, you cant put a price on Mexican haze.

ED Were still trying to air the place out. DAVE (Licking skins together) You can however buy hash pretty easily and you still owe me my pre-masterpiece ounce. I want resin though, no headshop or shoe polished Moroccan shit. ED So youre up for it? DAVE You should know by now I dont do social visits. MICK What happened to our idea being desperate and retarded? DAVE Oh it is, very much so. But its also hilarious and I thought fuck it, Ill help an old couple of chums dig their own graves if the price is right. ED Okay. Good. Thats bloody great news. Sorry did you say you were in London? DAVE Get this, I got a phone call from Steve Mc Queen himself, inviting me to this A list dinner party with Cillian Murphy and Colin Farrell and loads of others. Hes doing some new film about a sex addict and it turns out hes fond of my work.

54.

MICK and ED exchange glances. MICK Fuck off, that really happened? Was Dennis there? DAVE He was the one who gave Steve my number! He was staying in the room next to mine. MICK But the...phone rang in his hand... MICK and ED exchange glances... DAVE Sure his phone has been fucked since he dropped it in his pint ages ago. He was there all right. Introduced me to Farrell, they met here in Dublin last week, apparently some party full of hotties. MICK Bastard. He was at Farrells bash too? DAVE starts to grind grass. ED Thats great news man, fair played. DAVE Wheres the missus? ED Dont ask. DAVE That bad? ED She found a bra she mustve left in my room from another stay over, and now shes accusing me of cheating. Her own bra! MICK rolls his eyes to the side. MICK Its definitely hers?

55.

DAVE I know all my own boxers. Wouldnt they know all their own bras? ED I didnt cheat on her. I wouldnt do that... The whole situation is fuckin batshit man. DAVE sparks up and takes an abnormally long drag. DAVE Speaking of batshit, stick on the God channel there... CUT TO: EXT. MICK AND ED'S HOUSE, Time lapse Day into night CLOSE-UP Dave exhaling, his eyes are red. The camera is slowly zooming out. Theres a preacher talking shit on the God channel in the background. DAVE So if your brain produces your senses and therefore, reality. Does your head exist in the universe or does the universe exist in your head? Or...is it both? CUT TO: MICK and ED sleeping, drooling. DAVE gets up and puts on his shoes. He puts the VIDEO BOX in his coat. He enters the kitchen and empties the fridge of munchies and walks back into the living room drinking a CARTON OF MILK and stuffing his face. Switch again To ED and MICK, both unconscious. DAVE ( (CONTD) Angels. DAVE exits. FADE OUT.

56.

EXT. EVENING TIME UCD COLLEGE, WRITE UP. UCD COLLEGE CUT TO: INT. DARK THEATRE STAGE A strobe light flickers as dry ice engulfs the stage. MICK and ED are performing a movement piece infront of an audience of students. A voice-over is played through speakers and a projector displays visuals with occasional flashing words. VOICE OVER New Stanislavski. Direct action of the soul. The word PERSONALISE flashes on the screen. CUT TO: INT THEATRE SEATING AREA The students look quite confused. BACK TO: INT. DARK THEATRE STAGE MICK and ED continue their weird body movements VOICE OVER New Stanislavski is a conduit through which the expression of human experience and reality heightens consciousness, forming new realities through direct actions of the soul. The word ACT flashes on the screen. CUT TO: EXT. COLLEGE THEATRE. BACK TO: INT. THEATRE STAGE

57.

MICK So. Why are we here? (A Beat) Why are we here? Ed why dont you take it away? ED turns and gives MICK a sore look. ED Thanks Mick. (ED SUBTITLE) Cunt. MICK gives a smug nod. (MICK SUBTITLE) You're welcome. ED (CONT'D) For the past six years, myself and Mr. Stains have been perfecting this fine new method of method acting..Ah You all must be wondering what makes New Stanislavski different from what we now refer to as Old Stanislavski. New Stanislavski is pretty much Old Stanislavski revised into a newer more exciting form. Myself and Mr. Stains here, have been working hard with the Romanski School of Acting in Russia, to use this form of expression as a weapon against... poverty... MICK and fascism. ED stares blankly, unimpressed. CUT TO: CLOSE UP MOIRA BROWN (SUSPICIOUS) BACK TO: MICK (CONT'D) Ahh, what we wish to do is make a documentary revealing our humanitarian work in the third world to the west whilst also informing the public of this, fine and intriguing new approach to acting. (MORE)

58. MICK (CONT'D) To inform the west of the brilliant work being done in poor areas through embracing New Stanislavski as both a method of acting and more importantly, a method for living. You know give a poor African an egg, and he'll eat it give him a chicken...

A beat ...and he can eat two or three eggs a day. CUT TO: ED and MICK sitting at a table. They look deflated. ED (Whispering with a grimace) What were you thinking? MICK (Whispering with a smile on his face) I wasn't thinking. I was too busy corpsing up there. The geeky student (CLARKE) approaches them. ED I can't believe you made that egg comment. CLARKE stands awkwardly before them. MICK What? CLARKE You never actually explained what New Stanislavki is. MICK Well you'll have to watch our amazing documentary won't you? CLARKE I guess. MICK You guess what? CLARKE stands there, looking stupid for a little while. MICK (CONT'D) What do you want? CLARKE I mean. I think I get it.

59.

MICK Get what kid? CLARKE New Stanislavski. It's like it is something that it isn't. But it is what it isn't. It's the thing that makes it different. It's allegorical like calling French toast eggy bread. But French toast is still French toast. And eggy bread is still eggy bread. Maybe they should call it French bread or maybe eggy toast. Still the same difference. But the same and different at the same time. MICK looks to ED with a ('What the fuck?' expression) ED is mildly impressed. MICK (Sarcastically) Yeah great hypothesis. You nailed it. CLARKE Have you decided? MICK Decided what? Jesus can't you finish a sentence? CLARKE Miss Brown said you were looking for a student to help with it. I was thinking I could use it as my end of year piece for documentary studies. It's this whole unit. MICK and ED look at each other. MICK You have access to cameras, microphones, booms, tripods, cables, stuff like that? CLARKE Sure. ED And you understand you would have no ownership of the footage? We would give you like out-takes and stuff though. Enough to pass your assignment.

60.

CLARKE I'll shoot whatever you guys want for your project. I can shoot my own separate footage. ED What's your name boy? CLARKE Clarke. ED extends his hand. ED Glad to have you on board. Can we by any chance see your cameras? CLARKE You have to book them a day in advance. ED Ah. MICK Can you get us coffee? CLARKE There's a machine up the hall. MICK Sweet. Chuck Superman some euros there for coffee. ED (Laughs) Superman. I'm liking that. Here, get yourself one as-well. ED gives CLARKE some EUROS. CLARKE lets out a real geeky giggle and goes off. MICK and ED give each other a nod of satisfaction. CUT TO: EXT. CAFE, DAYTIME (OUTDOOR TABLE IF POSSIBLE) There are TWO COFFEE'S and a GLASS OF COKE with a STRAW on the table. MICK and ED are engaging in a debate. ED Dya think he'll be alright? MICK He's slow. He couldn't be any more perfect.

61.

ED Still though. I'll write up a contract. MICK We don't need contracts. ED It'll make the whole thing more believable. Plus it'll make him feel important, good for team morale. CLARKE arrives at the table and sits down. ED (CONTD) We thought you got flushed down the toilet there. CLARKE Nah, I was on the toilet. There's a short pause at the table. MICK Cool. ED So Clarke, we aim to begin shooting on or shortly after the 3rd of March. And production should run a few weeks give or take. We'll put you in charge of basic camera functions, as I'm sure you'll appreciate the experience and all, but we need to know that you're fully committed and you'll do your best? CLARKE Ed, is it? ED Yeah, short for Edward. CLARKE I gathered. Ed... CLARKE sucks on his straw. CLARKE (CONT'D) I wouldn't be here if I wasn't interested. I just hope that you give me a chance to prove what a valuable commodity I will be for your production team. MICK laughs nervously.

62.

MICK Okay CLARKE When will I get to meet them? ED throws MICK a deadly stare. MICK As you are already aware Clarke, myself and Ed are here alone. And because our poor and starving African production team couldn't afford the arduous acclimatization from African into Irish economics, it's just us. And a couple of...correspondents. CLARKE seems satisfied. ED gives MICK an approving nod. (ED SUBTITLES) Bravo good Sir! MICK nods back. (MICK SUBTITLES) Not bloody bad even if I do say so myself CUT TO: EXT. NIGHT TIME, MICK AND ED'S HOUSE. INT. MICK AND ED'S LIVING ROOM. ED is typing up a contract on a LAPTOP and sipping a CUP of 'black' tea. He gives MICK a look. He blames MICK for using all the milk again. MICK is a little withdrawn, thinking about things. ED Come on, lets get this finished. I need to try ringing Maria again. MICK Needy. ED ignores him. ED Does this sound professional? (He reads from the screen) The (MORE)

63. ED (CONT'D) aforementioned person, that would be Clarke, agrees to provide the equipment necessary bracket Camera, cables, tripods etc. close bracket to assist in the production of the aforementioned feature.

MICK Aforementioned? ED Aforesaid or above mentioned. A beat. MICK Ed? ED Yeah? Silence. ED (CONTD) What?...Mick? MICK I know Ive been a lousy housemate recently. ED What did you do Mick? MICK (Defensively) Nothing... thats just it. I know Ive been lazy, and sponging off you lately. Its wrong. Ive been in a rut this past while... ED I know. Another beat. MICK But, I feel good about this. About the project, about living here again. ED When you said you were staying on Dame street, where were you really? Another beat.

64.

MICK Home. How did you know? ED I stopped by after work a few times to bring you treats. Theyd never heard of you. MICK I needed to get out of the city. ED You still have my tent though? MICK I put it in the attic. Another beat ED SUBTITLE: Apology accepted. MICK SUBTITLE: Cheers for not making me say it. ED Anyway, something else has been nagging me. Well need to hire some young African actors, if were showing clips of our school in the Congo. And to be honest my funds are pretty stretched as it is. MICK Fuck actors man, we can use kids from a primary school. We can bribe them after school with sweets or cigarettes or something. ED (Disgusted) Fucking cigarettes are you stark mad? I was going to say we could approach primary schools as agents filming auditions for a new film. If we can bring Daves blue screen along we can get our footage there and then in the school. MICK gives a nod of approval. MICK An audition, thats perfect, we can have them say or do whatever we want. ED Only one problem. How do we explain what were doing to Clarke?

65.

MICK thinks for a moment. MICK Ive an idea. Let me see that contract. CUT TO: EXT. DUBLIN STREET. DAYTIME ED Is standing outside a caf. MICK exits the caf and hands ED a COFFEE. MICK Okay, casting! Russian theatre guru slash mentor. Im thinking dull clothes and a beard. They wander pensively around sipping COFFEE. At one point we see a camera person in the background. They go unnoticed. MICK (CONT'D) Feels weird doesn't it? Stalking bums. I feel like Patrick Bateman...What about him? (pointing) ED Hold this. MICK What are you doing? ED I just have to return some videotapes! (winks) Cue Music The scene goes into slow motion. ED hands MICK his COFFEE and starts to walk towards a homeless DRUNK. He takes a few steps and walks back to MICK. In slow motion we see him mime "I can't. You do it." We see MICK mime "Hold this" and hands him the TWO COFFEES. We then see ED handing MICK something but we don't see what. MICK conceals it beneath his jacket and marches towards the DRUNK, looking quite suspect. He looks to the left. View changes to behind him. He marches on a couple more steps. A front view shows MICK looking right. As he approaches he reaches in his coat. It looks like he's about to pull a gun. Instead he pulls out a BOTTLE OF WHITE LABEL VODKA and the slow motion stops. We see MICK doing various hand gestures like Camera, Clip board. Motioning "chatting" with his hand and motioning drinking the bottle. He alternates between thumbs up and thumbs down. The DRUNK reaches for the bottle and MICK puts his arm around him leading him back over to ED.

66.

Music Fades CUT TO: EXT. STUDIO INT. STUDIO. The DRUNK sits on a CHAIR, behind him, a BLUE SCREEN. CLARKE films the interview. Ironically, the DRUNK is a fantastic actor and appears completely sober and in character. His Russian accent is very impressive. DRUNK Mick Stains and Edward Shields first came to my attention in 2003. They come from Ireland to study in the Romanski school of Stanislavski and study tradition of European Art theatre. I never see such talent and I never felt what they make feel. CUT TO: MICK in front of the DRUNK. He holds a CARDBOARD PROMPT reading "Prodical sons of New Stanislavski first spelt phonetically in Russian then written in English" DRUNK (V.O.) We have phrase in Russian. Prodical sons of Stanislavski (Spoken in Russian then translated into English.) MICK drops the prompt and holds up another prompt reading Redefine Stanislavski, bring into 21st Century BACK TO: DRUNK They actually redefine the studies of Stanislavski and bring it into Twenty First Century for everyone, not just actors. They become radical new pioneers of revolutionary theatre model. They call it 'New Stanislavski' and suddenly, everyone is strong, everyone is happy, everyone is love. CUT TO:

67.

INT.OBSERVATION ROOM DAVE has his finger on a button. DAVE (On speaker) And Cut. Guys that was fanny-tastic. Mick, get what's his face a release form! DISSOLVE TO: INT. STUDIO DRUNK signs the RELEASE FORM. ED Good man yourself. That was an Oscar worthy performance. Thanks a lot. Here, for your troubles... ED hands the drunk a BOTTLE OF WHITE LABEL VODKA. The DRUNK mumbles incoherently, drooling from his mouth as he stumbles off taking a swig. MICK He's good isn't he? ED Put us to shame! CLARKE Why were you holding up cards? ED What? CLARKE Was he just saying what he was told? MICK and ED look at each other for a split second. MICK (Defensively) Don't be so bloody disrespectful! That man lost his hearing in the Cold War Couldn't even hear our questions. Maybe if you got us auto-cue I wouldn't have to use pieces of cardboard. CLARKE I was just asking. MICK Well, thankfully it's all explained and cleared up now.

68.

ED throws MICK a nervous look. CLARKE He didn't look like he was Russian. MICK turns and sighs aggressively. CLARKE (CONT'D) I'm just saying... and it's a bit weird that you gave him alcohol and all. ED He's Russian Clarke. Vodkas like a nice...sparkling water to them. Be a good lad and bring that footage into Dave. MICK (Whispering) The contract (Nodding towards Clarke) ED Oh yeah. We have your contract here as-well Clarke. CLARKE Contract? ED Of course! (Smiling to MICK) You can't expect to be part of a (Stressing) serious professional production without contracts eh? You're working in the big leagues now. MICK Yeah I wish I had a contract. CLARKE looks at them both and lets out a delayed, stupid grin. MICK throws him a PEN. MICK (CONT'D) Here! CLARKE signs. ED Good man. CLARKE starts to dismantle the CAMERA off the TRIPOD. ED (CONT'D) No no no, just leave that. We've got another interviewee coming in later tonight.

69.

CLARKE But I have tickets to go see The Script tonight. MICK laughs to himself. ED We need you here tonight! CLARKE I paid sixty euros. ED Come on Clarke, wheres that winners mentality? You said before you were fully committed. CLARKE But you didn't give me any notice. MICK The Script are one of the leading causes of suicide in this country. We're doing you a favour Clarke, investing in your future, A BEAT ED Clarke, come here! CLARKE reluctantly steps closer to ED. ED (CONTD) You want to pass your assignment right? CLARKE Obviously yeah. ED And the sooner we get this all done, the better for both of us right? CLARKE shuffles awkwardly. ED (CONTD) Right? CLARKE Yes! God... ED And you want to get a distinction for this assignment yeah?

70.

CLARKE Yes.... ED So you'll give the concert a miss and work with us here yeah? CLARKE (sighs) Yes.... ED That's the spirit Superman. High five! CLARKE awkwardly concedes and returns to his camera equipment. MICK looks a little disarmed. ED (CONTD) (To MICK) Always ask yes yes questions before your closing lines. MICK looks impressed. MICK Hey Clarke! CLARKE Yeah? MICK (pointing) Is that a tripod? CLARKE Yeah. MICK Does that keep the camera still? CLARKE Yeah. MICK Get us coffee! CLARKE huffs and walks towards the observation room. ED gives MICK a look as if to say (Tone it down) MICK shrugs it off. CUT TO:

71.

INT. EDITING SUITE. OBSERVATION ROOM CLARKE enters and leaves the TAPE beside DAVE. DAVE is wearing HEAD PHONES and doesn't hear. Clarke starts to rummage about on the shelves behind him. Dave turns, startled by CLARKE. DAVE (Shouts) Christ! (Taking off the earphones) What are you doing? CLARKE Thought I left some gels in here. That's all. DAVE Creeping up like a fucking spooky ghost or something. CLARKE Hey I'm getting coffee for Mr. Stains and Mr. Shields, you w DAVE Black, three sugars. CUT TO: EXT. STUDIO, EVENING TIME. CUT TO: INT. INTERVIEW ROOM A British lady, DELIA sits on a chair. A write up on the bottom left of the screen reads... Delia Wright, Biographer and New Stanislavski PHD Canditate. DELIA So after they left Russia it was assumed that Mick and Edward returned to the West. However it later came to light that rather than capitalise on their inevitable stardom in the European art scene, they instead embarked on a sort of spiritual awakening, choosing instead to live with Trappist monks in Nepal, some say for six months, some say longer, nobody really know for certain. CUT TO:

72.

INT. EDITING SUITE ED sits playing with his PHONE eating a TAKE AWAY PIZZA. ROISIN enters, whispering. ROISIN Hey. Is it okay to come in? ED Sure. Daves out though. ROISIN (Nodding to Delia) Whos she? ED Delia Wright, New Stanislavski PHD Candidate and... ED refers to the PIZZA. ED (CONTD) Pizza delivery lady. ROISIN laughs. An INDIAN DELIVERY GUY knocks and enters the room. INDIAN DELIVERY GUY Hi, I have a delivery. ED Oh yeah, Its Mick you want to see, try the next room. INDIAN DELIVERY GUY This way? Okay. INDIAN DELIVERY GUY exits. ROISIN I wont ask. ED Hindu monk slash Yoga instructor. ROISIN laughs again. ROISIN Yas are mental. ED What have you been up to these days? ROISIN Pulling a bloody plough through a field all week. (MORE)

73. ROISIN (CONT'D) I wish I was joking. Its a new film Im working on. Its shit.

ED Cool whats it called? ROISIN War..horze ED War..horse? They can get away with calling it that can they? ROISIN War Whores. Its a porn. Its what I do. ED laughs awkwardly. ED Really? Ha, thats...nice. ROISIN You dont have to pretend. Dave told me he showed you my films. ED (a beat) Really? Fucking Dave! ROISIN laughs. ROISIN Ha, try living with him. ED Oh you two are? ROISIN (FLICKING HER HAIR) No no, not anymore, last year. ED smiles. ED Pizza? ROISIN smiles. ROISIN Go on then. CUT TO:

74.

EXT. STUDIO ROISIN VO What about you? Are you still seeing that girl, the cute one? B.O FADE IN: EXT. MICK AND EDS HOUSE, DAY TIME CLARKE approaches the door and rings the doorbell. MICK answers. CLARKE You wanted to see me? MICK Of course, come on in. They enter through to the living room. MICK sits down beside ED on the couch. CLARKE sits infront of them. ED Hey Clarke. CLARKE Hey. ED We just wanted to check up and make sure youve arranged to get your shots. CLARKE Shots? MICK Yeah, myself and Ed just got our yellow fever and polio shots today. ED Typhoid and rabies now next week. MICK Yeah you wanna spread them out man. They are fucking painful. (To Ed) Has your swelling gone down yet man? ED Just about, still bloody sore though. CLARKE What are you talking about?

75.

MICK Your vaccinations. You cant just travel to this part of the world without getting your immunizations. Now theres also a risk of hepatitis A and B so... CLARKE What are you on about? CLARKE shifts in his chair a little. ED Your shots for the Democratic Republic of Congo. Were flying out in six weeks Clarke. You cant leave this sort of thing to the last minute. Now, of course well cover any costs and... CLARKE Stop a second. Congo, shots? You guys are having me on. MICK I thought we made all this perfectly clear in the...can I see the contract there Ed? ED Hang on a second, its around here some...oh here it is. ED picks up a copy of ClARKES CONTRACT sitting on the fireplace and hands it to CLARKE. ED (CONTD) See its right there page two, paragraph three. Of course weve already paid for your tickets and were covering all expenses. You must be really excited. CLARKE No, no way, Im not going to the Congo. No way you guys. ED But Clarke, how else are we supposed to get footage of our New Stanislavski acting school in the Congo? MICK (Dramatically) God dammit Clarke. (MORE)

76. MICK (CONT'D) Were going to be letting down so many children if their message isnt heard, and you signed a legally binding contract.

ED Unless, I mean if we absolutely had to, we could re-enact the work weve done in the Congo with kids here in Ireland. MICK No way Ed, we promised those kids. CLARKE A re-enactment sounds good. Guys I cant... ED I dont want to put Clarke in an uncomfortable position. CLARKE Please Mick. Theres no way I can go to Africa. A Beat MICK Fine. Well do a re-enactment. CUT TO: EXT. PRIMARY SCHOOL Cue Music, fades throughout scene. CUT TO: INT. PRIMARY SCHOOL HALLWAY MICK and ED are walking slowly down a corridor beside a teacher, MS LYONS. MS LYONS So what exactly is the film about? ED Its about a poor young child who attends a schoolMICK -For wizards...and he uses the magic of acting to provide food and water for the rest of his poor village.

77.

ED gives MICK a death stare. MS LYONS Oh that sounds just wonderful. ED (A little disarmed) Yeah, so I guess if its okay with you we could see which students have the look were after and film auditions in a free room? MS LYONS Thats fine. Its very exciting to have two big film execs right here in our little school. The children are very excited as you can imagine. Well, were here. Should we introduce you? MICK That would be wonderful Ms...? MS LYONS Lyons. MICK Ahh lovely, was never too fond of Barrys, Ive always been a Lyons man myself. MS LYONS laughs and blushes. MS LYONS Here we are. CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM DOOR FROM INSIDE MS LYONS enters followed by MICK and ED. Their smiles fade slowly. CUT TO: THE CAMERA PANS ACROSS THE STUDENTS. THE KIDS ARE ALL WHITE. ED Ms Lyons, could we talk for a moment outside? MS LYONS Is something wrong?

78.

MICK whispers in her ear. CUT TO: INT. ANOTHER CLASSROOM MICK and ED stand beside a different teacher, MRS CALLAGHAN. MRS CALLAGHAN Okay children, Id like you all to give a warm welcome to Mr Mick Stains and Mr Edward Shields. CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM The CHILDREN. Theyre predominantly black. CHILDREN Failte go Mr Mick Stains agus Mr Edward Shields. CUT TO: EXT. FOOTAGE OF AN AFRICAN BACKGROUND. MICK and ED are performing a movement piece infront of some BLACK CHILDREN. The CHILDREN are dressed in dirty rags. ED So children, nearly seventy percent of our bodies is what? CHILDREN Water! ED Thats right children, water. So like the water we must... ED, MICK AND THE CHILDREN FLOW! They continue to move their bodies strangely. ED Yes flow! Very good kids. Let me see you flow like the water. MICK You must think like the water, see as the water sees... be wet like the water is wet.

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ED makes eye contact with MICK. ED Be as one with the water. Very good. Now I want you all to pick up your dowsing rods like so. The CHILDREN, followed by MICK and ED all pick up makeshift DOWSING RODS (a fork like branch). ED (CONTD) Now lets find some water! The CHILDREN cheer. CUT TO: INT. EDITING SUITE DAVE spits coffee out of his mouth. DAVE, MICK and ED are in stitches. The prior scene is now visible on DAVES COMPUTER. DAVE Jaysus Christ lads. Hell isnt hot enough for this shit. ED Can we have a write up in the bottom left, saying its in the Congo? DAVE Yeah, ah fuck my jaw is killing me. Brilliant. What write up do you want for the Russian director? You should have his name and profession at least. ED We dont really know any Russian names. DAVE Just run a google search on Russian name generators, sure Ill check now. DAVE fiddles about on the computer for a moment. DAVE (CONTD) There, Adrik Konoroz. Theres like loads of others here too. MICK Sweet. Can you see if theres any Congo name generators. We need a name for the kid we interviewed.

80.

ED Just run a search on French names. MICK What do ya mean? Hes supposed to be from the Congo. ED French is their main language. DAVE But all this footage is in English. The three look at each other for a moment. DAVE (CONTD) Youre going to have to dub over it. Cue Music. CUT TO: A montage shows various scenes including: MICK and ED putting up POSTERS on message boards reading French speaker wanted for Translation, setting up Twitter accounts, Facebook fan pages, photo-shopping various different pictures of MICK and ED, also MICK and ED with various global figures, the finished pictures then filling the screen one by one, cross fading into footage of DAVE editing intensely, MICK and ED buying more WHITE LABEL VODKA, CLARKE carrying loads of equipment and dropping THREE COFFEES, CLARKE being shouted at by MICK. MARIA looking at her PHONE. The caller reads Cheating bastard. She hangs up. ED, doing the laundry, finding the POLKA DOT BRA inside the back pocket of a pair of MICKs trousers. Music fades out. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. DAYTIME, MICK AND ED'S HOUSE. INT. MICK AND ED'S LIVING ROOM. MICK sits watching TV and changes the channel to see himself on 'Film Star. We catch the end of his audition; he is being escorted out of the audition room by security in a flurry of expletives which have been censored over with a series of bleep noises. MICK quickly changes the channel as ED enters with a few TINS OF BEER. ED throws MICK a BEER. ED looks a little pissed off. MICK Ledge! I am beat. You okay? ED Marias melting my head!

81.

ED sits down, opens his TIN, and takes a drink. ED (CONTD) I cant get my head around it. MICK Should I put on the God channel, might cheer you up a bit. ED Im not in the mood. MICK She still not picking up? Nope. Im honest. I behind my people to ED not happy Mick to be know shits going on back and I just want be up front with me.

MICK Im up front with you. A beat. ED Have you seen a polka- dot bra of Marias anywhere around the house? MICK nods No. ED takes that in. He doesnt believe MICK ED (CONTD) Im going to bed. MICK Ed! Come on, have a drink... its your birthday. ED Drink them yourself, well talk tomorrow. CUT TO: EXT. DUBLIN PARK MICK and ED walk. ED I'm only asking this once Mick. And I want a straight answer. MICK What's up?

82.

ED stops, so does MICK. ED Come on Mick. I know. MICK You know ED It took me a while but I figured it out. MICK What? ED You know what I'm talking about. Come clean and I promise I won't get angry. MICK Okay (sighs) They are silent for a moment. MICK (CONT'D) Seriously Ed, I don't know what you're talking about. ED pushes MICK. MICK (CONT'D) What the hell is wrong with you? ED Cheating with your mates girlfriend? And you wont even admit it? Some fucking friend you are. MICK Come on, friend is a bit of a stretch. ED (disbelief) God...how was she? Was she good? Honestly? man. MICK Yeah she was Olympian

ED punches MICK and he falls to the ground. MICK (CONT'D) Jesus! You need fucking sectioned!

83.

ED Get up! MICK gets up. MICK Why the hell are you taking it so personally? ED punches MICK again and he falls to the ground again. MICK (CONT'D) Christ! I didnt know they were back together. He treats her like crap anyway. Then he acts all nice when she breaks up with him. She told me all about it, and yeah, she wanted Mick Stains! She wanted Mick Stains all over her! What of it? ED You shagged Roisin? MICK (His face says yeah) That's what this is about isn't it? The bra in your room? ED Not that one, the one that was in your trouser pocket! MICK What? ED I saw it Mick. What the hell was Marias bra doing in the back pocket of your trousers? MICK You idiot, I gave it to Roisin by accident when I was getting rid of her. She threw it at me, and I shoved it in my pocket before you entered the room. I mustve forgot about it. ED has a look of doom on his face. ED And you were at Marias house having tea because...? MICK Because she needed my help getting you a present for your thirtieth dickhead!

84.

ED Shit. Oh fuck, what have I done? MICK You thought I had sex with Maria. Youre a fuckin idiot sometimes you know that? ED So it was Roisins bra in my room, youve been having sex in my room. MICK Well its a stroke up from banging your girlfriend. And shes a porn star Ed, come on, credit where credits due. ED Use your own fucking room! MICK Yours has a double bed. ED My double bed! My fucking double bed Mick. Thats disgusting! MICK Shes not a squirter, youre fine. ED Use your own fucking bed! MICK Okay, God, Im sorry. ED Okay okay, we can put some makeup on you, you'll be grand. We can't say anything to Dave about this. MICK What am I gonna say, sorry Dave, Ed just slapped me about for tapping your woman. ED Ed you fool! MICK Why do you think I wanted to steer clear of Dave in the first place. It's like walking on fucking eggshells in there.

85.

ED'S PHONE sounds as he receives a text message. ED Dave wondering where we're at. Fuck he knows. MICK How could he know? ED We're gonna need make-up. CUT TO: EXT. RECORDING STUDIO INT. STUDIO MICK is sitting down on a chair. He is orange with make up. Behind him is a BLUE SCREEN. CLARKE sits infront of him. DAVE holds down the button to communicate with MICK and CLARKE. DAVE Clarke are you sure you don't have an orange gel over the lens? CLARKE Positive. Cue Music CUT TO: Montage. We see various random clips of scenes from the viral documentary. DAVE editing more photo-shopped pictures. The three lads uploading their documentary to youtube. The number of views perpetually rising into the hundreds. Fans following on Twitter perpetually rising into the hundreds. Facebook fanpage likes follow suit. Youtube hits climbing into the thousands and beyond 100,000 hits. The same follows for Twitter followers and Facebook fanpage likes and then onto the millions. Online articles declaring Who are Mick and Ed and where did they come from. Make Want History, a global phenomenon. etc. Clips of MICK and ED on various talk shows. We see a scene of MICK and ROISIN dining. CLARKE is spying on them. Reminiscent, of a scene in Donnie Brasco, both CLARKE and MICK make eye contact and suddenly, make an attempt to mask their identity. ED, MICK, and DAVE all sitting at the front window of a bar drinking pints, all looking jolly. CLARKE standing outside the bar in the rain looking pissed off, he walks off. CUT TO:

86.

INT. BAR, EVENING TIME, The sound of rain hitting the roof can be heard. All three are having a good laugh, at the front of the bar, beside a window. Music fades. ED holds up his PINT. ED Slainte lads! MICK/DAVE Slainte! DAVE Well lads, Ive got to hand it to you. Sixteen million hits in three weeks and still climbing. Your brazen stupidity is overmatched only by the density of the public in general. So whats the plan now? MICK Phone hasnt stopped since last week. What did we tell ya, man? The offers are piling in. ED And they havent even seen us act. DAVE I meant your plan for tonight. ED Weve to make an appearance at UCD, Clarkes class are showing their documentaries. MICK What about Farrell's party? ED That's tomorrow night. Come on, neck these or well be late. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. UCD COLLEGE, EVENING TIME INT. COLLEGE THEATRE A montage of student films are shown, being played on a PROJECTOR. The camera occasionally shows MICK trying not to sleep. ED, appears to appreciate the various efforts. Ideas for lines in the mock documentaries are below...

87.

A party scene. Actor: Do you want some drugs? Actor 2: I don't know if I should. Actor: Go on. It's a great buzz. Actor 2 takes a drug and falls over. Really bad acting. A line comes up on the screen " Say no to blow! Only Mugs take drugs!" MICK Sniggers and ED smiles. Another documentary clip is showing the streets of Dublin. Cheesy fading in and out of different homeless people on the street begging for money. MICK and DAVE spot a familiar face. One of their Russian directors (THE DRUNK'). Female VO: Homelessness. Who is to blame? Who pays the price. Who will listen? Who will care? MICK Who gives a fuck? ED laughs. THE DRUNK appears on the screen. ED starts to really struggle not to laugh out loud. MICK (CONT'D) Fuck, look who it is! ED Jesus. Both start wetting themselves. MICK Gees he's getting all the bloody work. Ed we're in the background. Both are in stitches. In the background, ED and MICK can be seen sipping COFFEES, pointing at a homeless guy. CUT TO: Another documentary shows another crap actor tying a rope around his neck. A song by The Script plays over the footage. VO: Suicide amongst young men is at an all time high. What is causing it?

88.

MICK (CONT'D) The fucking Script! Again ED laughs and slouches lower in his seat. The lights in the theatre come up and the lecturer (MOIRA) comes onto the stage. MOIRA Our next piece is actually a feature length documentary so we'll have a five minute interval before we begin. Refreshments are available in the next room if anyone fancies tea or coffee. ED Feature length? Go Superman. MICK I'm not staying if this is shit. ED There he is. (Shouts) Clarke! CLARKE is talking to some other students and looks over. He approaches ED and MICK. CLARKE Alright guys. Delighted you came this evening. MICK This better be good Clarkey. Feature length, bloody hell. CLARKE I'm sure you'll both find it interesting. MICK Well if your film-making is as good as the subject matter, I'm sure you're onto a winner. CLARKE Sit back and enjoy the show boys. CLARKE walks off. ED Confident little fucker isn't he? MICK He has been working with the best. CUT TO:

89.

EXT: COLLEGE THEATRE. INT. THEATRE The lights in the room dim. ED and MICK look surprisingly excited. MICK (Shouts) Go on Superman, take these bitches down! ED Yeah. (Whistles) MOIRA throws them a dirty look. To which ED nods politely. The documentary begins... CLARKES DOCUMENTARY CLARKE (V.O.) Make Want History? MICK busts out laughing. CLARKE (V.O.)

In March of 2014, I was given the opportunity to work with two Irish actors, who had been teaching a new form of Stanislavski's acting technique to the impoverished children of The Democratic Republic of Congo. Claiming to be from the Romanski School of Acting; I felt elated at my opportunity to learn from them. ED Awww. Sound Clarkey. MICK What a tool. Again, MOIRA throws them a dirty look, putting her finger to her mouth. Again MICK laughs. CLARKE (V.O.) The first thing I noted as strange was, when I tried to contact the Romanski School of Acting directly, I was unable to find any evidence that the school even existed.

90.

MICK and ED look utterly silenced. We barely hear ED whisper as sweat runs down his face. ED Fuck. CLARKES DOCUMENTARY CLARKE (V.O.) On March 12, armed with the very latest in digital technology. I began production on my own documentary aimed at investigating and exposing the fraudulent actions of these two men, who not only fooled our college, but also millions of followers online. Camera shows hidden footage of MICK and ED talking in the editing suite. MICK (ONSCREEN) We should download photo-shop so we can forge some photos of us in Russia. DAVE enters the room. DAVE (ONSCREEN) You have that ounce for me Ed? BACK TO: INT. THEATRE ED Jesus, Clarke. BACK TO: CLARKES DOCUMENTARY ED (ONSCREEN): (CONT'D) I'm worried about the editing. DAVE (ONSCREEN) Look, it's called small print. All our interviewees have signed release forms allowing us to take what they're saying completely out of context. It's called spin Ed. (Zoom in and repeat) Spin Ed! (MORE)

91. DAVE (ONSCREEN) (CONT'D) (Zoom in and repeat in slow motion) Ssspppiiinnn EEEDDD.

BACK TO: INT. THEATRE MICK Is this bad? ED Yeah. BACK TO: CLARKES DOCUMENTARY: CLARKE (V.O) And perhaps the sickest of my revelations, after using stealth to place my cameras in the editing suite. My findingswere shocking! Footage shows ED, having rough sex with ROISIN. They are spouting humourous sex-talk and making a racket, knocking over stuff. The audience gasps and laughs. So does MICK. A series of shots follow with in close up and in slow motion: MICK laughing, ED's terrified face, STUDENTS laughing, MOIRA winking over at ED, ED turning away horrified, MOIRA laughing hysterically. CUT TO ED makes a speedy exit from the audience, trying to hide his face. MICK reluctant to leave, gingerly stands up, we see him tilt his head, obviously in confusion at what position is being shown on the screen. Grunts can still be heard. CUT TO: EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS, LATER ED is sitting down on the steps outside the building tapping his foot nervously. MICK is laughing his ass off. ED Shut up! MICK (Still laughing) Talk about being busted. Genius!

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After a few moments, CLARKE exits the building. ED makes a jump for him but MICK holds him back. MICK (CONT'D) Ed! Ed! ED Evening Judas! CLARKE skips quickly past them. He is on guard to make a run for it. CLARKE So you're claiming to be Jesus now? ED Why did you do it? Why? CLARKE For the same reason you did. To get noticed. Appreciation. Recognition. MICK Recognition for what? Being a dick? CLARKE Before I was nobody you didn't respect me. You used me. All the work I put in. You never once asked me if I wanted to hang out or to go to the bar with you maybe? Now I'm somebody. I'm an A student. MICK You're an A class twat. CLARKE Maybe. But at least I'm a successful twat. You two are pathetic. You'd have nothing without me. ED breaks free from MICKS grasp and chases CLARKE down pinning him to the ground. ED We have nothing because of you! CLARKE You have what you deserve. ED raises his fist. CLARKE (CONT'D) Go on. Punch me. See if it makes you feel better.

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MICK Go on Ed, give him a slap. CLARKE You know you want to. ED I've waited my life for this and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let a spotty little bastard like you fuck this up for me. Where's the documentary? CLARKE appears to panic somewhat. CLARKE It won't do any good. Ive already uploaded it. Get off me. MICK Ed there's someone coming. MICK comes over to them. ED Take it down. CLARKE Get off me! ED Why are you breathing like that? CLARKE I'm having a panic attack, get off me. I can't breathe. ED gets off him and CLARKE takes a moment to himself, to get his breath back. ED instantly feels bad. ED I didn't mean to just take it offline Clarke. We'll give you more credit. We're so close. Just don't mess this up for us. We're a team. (Turns to Mick) Right Mick? CLARKE bolts it. MICK Ed! ED turns but Clarke has already got about 20 yards away. CLARKE turns, laughs and gives them the finger. CLARKE Fuckers!

94.

He runs off. After a few seconds he jumps in the air and clicks his heels. CLOSE UP of ED letting out a Hulk like roar. CUT TO: EXT. BAR INT: BAR Close up of ED sweating. Switch to his foot rapidly tapping the floor. He stares forward. Switch to MICK, looking away. He nervously looks at Ed. MICK (Slow motion): You okay? ED goes to speak, but nods No instead. MICK (CONT'D) (Slow motion) It can't make that big of a splaaaasssssshhhhh. The speed returns to normal. ED I'm drilling Daves fucking girlfriend Mick. MICK Ex Girlfriend and c'mon, who hasn't? ED I'm fucking her on camera. MICK Again, who hasn't?. ED What about Maria? What the fuck do I tell Maria? MICK Say nothing. ED All our work, if this goes viral, we may as well kiss it all goodbye. MICK Don't be daft. (Pft) Viral. DISSOLVE TO:

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A screenshot of the reddit.com website. On the homepage a headline reads. New Stanislavski Documentary Orgy pics...Hilarious! DISSOLVE TO:

INT: TOILET. DAVE'S HOUSE DAVE sits down on the toilet and unfolds his PAPER. A JOINT hangs from his mouth and he is holding a ROLL OF TOILET PAPER in his hand. The front page headline reads "From Russia with Sex, Drugs, Scandal & Fraud". In slow motion we see Dave's horrified reaction. He drops the TOILET ROLL. It seems like forever before it bounces off the floor and rolls a little. We hear a bash from the room next door and the hustle and bustle of a police raid. DAVE can only let out a fearful sound. Switch to a view from outside the toilet. A foot kicks the door in and Dave sits on the bog, caught red handed with a dumb scared look on his face. We hear him crap. BACK TO: INT. BAR ED He'll kill us. MICK You just leave it to me. If I know Dave as well as I think I do? Water under a ducks bridge! CUT TO: EXT. DUBLIN DOCKS, AFTERNOON. DAVE, ED and MICK are at a stand off. MICK and ED are wearing HD sunglasses, DAVE is wearing a hat and a scarf. All are trying to hide their identity. DAVE has a look of utter resentment, holding a CIGARETTE with a long trail of ash. He smokes the end of it and drops it. We see his foot twist over it. DAVE AHHHH!! (Charging towards ED he tackles him to the ground and starts to choke him) MICK just stands there. The two wrestle comically for a while. They are pretty evenly matched. The fight can be improvised but should have as many fight clichs as possible and the more choreographed it looks the better i.e.; biting fingers, twisting nipples, kicking in the balls, and throwing dirt in each others eyes.

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There should also be very conveniently placed melee weapons in their path, i.e PLANKS OF WOOD. It's a dirty fight, but funny. They both end up exhausting themselves. DAVE (CONT'D) Bastard! ED I'm sorry. I feel awful! DAVE struggles to get ED into a headlock DAVE Not as awful as you'll feel after I rip off your head and shit down your neck! ED gets in control. They are both exhausted. DAVE (CONT'D) Drugs, dubbed conversations MICK (Talking over him) That was your idea in fairness. DAVE Illegal downloading! ED Calm down. ED lets DAVE go. DAVE Don't tell me to calm down. I'm untouchable. My name is shit now because of you two. Who the hell will hire me after this? MICK Fox News might be an option. Silence as DAVE stares discontentedly. He lets it go. Hes still angry and loud. DAVE Drugs. Can you believe that fucking terminology? It's dope for fuck sakes. And here was me thinking we lived in the 21st fucking century. ED This will blow over. MICK (Laughs) Blow.

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DAVE is not amused by the pun and gives MICK a cold stare. MICK composes his face. DAVE And how do I feed myself and pay rent while this blows over? ED We're all in the same boat here Dave. DAVE No! We're not in the same boat. You don't even have a boat! You both just climbed into mine and fucking sunk it! And that wasn't even enough. You had to sow seeds in my woman. ED I thought youd split up. DAVE Still not okay Ed. I thought we were friends. Everything is ruined. I...am ruined! MICK We just need some damage control. DAVE (Abrupt) You think? There is a short lived silence. DAVE (CONT'D) Well! Now would be a good time for some wonderful ideas. You two have had plenty of them recently. ED Well make it right again. This isnt as serious as youre making out. DAVE The police fucking raided me! Theyll probably come for you next! MICK Ouch. ED We need to sway public opinion, come clean I suppose.

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DAVE See that's the bastard about getting caught Ed! You can't come clean. Because you were caught. That little prick, Clarke buried us! ED We should never have trusted him. DAVE Good observation...Captain fucking Hindsight! MICK nods in agreement, ED concedes. MICK Smear campaign? DAVE I think we've done enough illegal shit in the past few weeks without adding slander and defamation of character to the list. ED What are the possible charges? DAVE Apart from what? Illegal drugs, fraud, illegal downloading, copyright theft and probably fucking terrorism-It wouldn't surprise me. So you can kiss your five minutes of fame goodbye. MICK Nothing else for it then... Better call Saul. ED throws MICK a look. DAVE Get fucked Mick! ED I have a slot on "Tonight's Topic" this Friday. Theyll roast me alive but I can try and figure something out. Spin the whole thing off at another angle. DAVE A fucking tangent would be perfect! DAVE receives a text message. He checks his PHONE.

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DAVE (CONT'D) I have to go. MICK Roisin? DAVE Yeah bitch. Sort this mess out! (To Mick) I'll see you on Friday. DAVE walks off. B.O FADE IN: INT: TALKSHOW STUDIO. A host, TOM, sits on a chair beside a table. Behind them is a large screen. TOM Some call him a fraud, some call him a legend. Please welcome our next guest this evening, Mr. Edward Shields, co-author or should I say co-conspirator of the now infamous "Make Want History" youtube sensation. ED walks out onto the stage to a silent crowd. He is wearing a pure white suit and gives the peace sign. TOM (CONT'D) Take a seat Mr. Shields. ED Thank you and (To the audience) Thank you. TOM Love the suit. Reminds me of the Jackson trial. So Edward. What's going on with this viral? ED Well, firstly, for the record Tom, I would like to say that the claims made by Mr. Clarke Hudson, that were trying to use this viral solely as a platform for, you know, getting exposure and that, is hugely inaccurate and misleading. TOM Really?

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ED Yes. TOM I must say though he puts forward a very convincing argument. What, with this little gem here. Tom turns to the screen behind them and a clip from CLARKES DOCUMENTARY is shown. ED (ON-SCREEN) It's really coming together man. Fuck MICK (ON-SCREEN) I know, it's actually starting to look like we really are famous. The clip ends. TOM has a comical expression on his face. The audience laugh. TOM (To the camera) I'm just saying! ED Well, again, Tom, you know, "Make Want History" was never meant to be a serious thing. TOM You're saying its a mockumentary? ED It was more of a social experiment. TOM Wow, (sarcastic) it runs that deep? ED Yeah it... TOM (Interrupting) I have to say, I nearly empathise with you, you know, the idea was brilliant. Convince the world you're famous, setting up schools in the Congo.. ED It was! The audience boo.

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TOM (To the crowd) Oh come on, who in here hasn't lied on a CV? ED I think people are just jumping to conclusions before knowing the full story. TOM Edward! A little list of some of the claims. That you claimed to be pioneers of New Stanislavski? ED Yes. TOM The beauty of this claim is, its generated so much interest yet nobody knows what the hell it is. Fantastic. You know in an interview with Tom Hanks, he was asked about the hottest new Hollywood trends and he said:"New Stanislavski is generating a massive interest." (Laughs) Priceless. ED (Appreciative) Well thank you Tom. (To the camera) And you Tom. Loved Captain Phillips! Piracy takes many forms and on that note Tom Id like to... TOM plays another clip on a large screen . MICK (ON-SCREEN) We should download photo-shop so we can forge some photos of us in Russia. The clip is paused and TOM gives ED a comical look. TOM You were saying? The audience laugh. ED Again Tom... TOM un-pauses the footage. DAVE enters the editing suite on-screen. DAVE (ON-SCREEN) You have that ounce for me Ed?

102.

ED Yeah. DAVE does a comical dance. DAVE Boosh! The clip ends and TOM laughs. The audience begin to be a little humoured also. TOM Who is he? I love him! ED That's our editor Dave. TOM What a fantastic editor. The photographs look so real. I see hes inspiring lobbying for the legalization of marijuana as well. ED Dave you know, he's received a lot of flak over this whole thing but I think a lot of good can come out of it. TOM (Dramatically) Give him my number! TOM plays the footage of ED shagging ROISIN. The crowd erupt with laughter. TOM (CONTD) Give her my number as well. ED looks embarrassed but quickly changes the subject. ED Tom, if you dont mind I think its high time we set the record straight on this whole fiasco. TOM Okay. ED Love USSR is not Clarkes documentary. He merely filmed it, and under a contractual agreement. Clarkes intervention was necessary for us to demonstrate New Stanislavski at work.

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TOM So hang on, you're saying that legally, you own Clarkes documentary Love USSR? ED Again Tom, Love USSR is not Clarkes documentary...it is not his intellectual property. Our contract clearly states we took Clarke Hudson on as an intern to record for us, and specifically that all footage shot from his signing until June 3rd of this year remains our property. BACK TO: INT. MICK AND EDS LIVING ROOM MICK and DAVE are watching on the telly. DAVE What just happened? MICK (excitedly) Wheres our contract? BACK TO: INT. TALKSHOW STUDIO ED Our viral piece Make Want History is a promo for our debut New Stanislavski feature Love USSR which Clarke has illegally leaked. Its important we get that on the record Tom. CUT TO: INT. CLARKE'S HOUSE CLARKE sits before the television. In shock, he drops a BOWL OF POPCORN on the floor. BACK TO: INT. TALKSHOW STUDIO. TOM is excited.

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TOM Whats all this really about Edward. Are you throwing Clarke under the bus here over a legal technicality? ED Much the reverse Tom. A great French philosopher, Ren Descartes once proclaimed I think, therefore I am. Our social experiment can be best summed up as I believe, therefore I will as in if we plant the seeds of belief, then they will take root in the collective consciousness. And that Tom is the essence of New Stanislavski. And it worked. With our promo Tom, we led the public to believe we had successfully opened a school in the Congo. Within a fortnight of that video going viral, we actually had the means and support to do it. TOM But where does the Love USSR scandal fit into all of this? ED Love USSR was our way of using the medium of comedy to engineer a mass media frenzy in order to introduce New Stanislavski on a global scale. Actually, the fact that Clarke claimed this film as truth is ironic because we intended to market it in the exact same way. TOM How do you mean? ED Temporary character assassination was a sacrifice we were willing to take to get peoples attention. TOM But if Clarke has already achieved this, why come forward at all? ED Its important for us to be honest Tom. Our plan was always to come forward eventually. We simply refuse to sit idly by and let Clarke capitalise on our marketing strategy by claiming our work as his own.

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TOM So its all an act is what you are saying...the sex scene is... ED I am in a loving committed relationship. (To Camera) Maria, love you baby (gestures 'call me'). Roisin who played that role is extremely talented, this was her debut feature role, a real find! BACK TO: CLARKES HOUSE CLARKE just stares at the television. BACK TO: TOM And the photos of Mick Stains and Roisin are also free of any scandal then? ED is caught off guard for the first time. He treads carefully. ED Photos? TOM You know the photos of Mr Stains and the same girl down the alley. Clarke recently stated they'd met in secret on a few occasions. BACK TO: INT. MICK AND ED'S HOUSE. Cue Music DAVE stands before the television, his expression turning sour. MICK enters with TWO TINS OF BEER. MICK Well Dave, looks like our working relationship might be salvageable after all. The camera turns to the TV and there is a photograph of MICK doing ROISIN bent over the bonnet of a car down a back alley doggie style.

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DAVE Ahhh. DAVE leaps at MICK. BACK TO: INT. TALKSHOW STUDIO. ED No scandal there Tom, the essence of New Stanislavski at its finest. Roisin is Dave Tilleys girlfriend. (Pure plugging) A brilliant editor and a true gent to work with! BACK TO: INT. MICK AND EDS HOUSE DAVE throttling MICK. BACK TO: INT. CLARKES LIVING ROOM CLARKE erupting with rage, pinned to the television. BACK TO: TOM Excellent. Such a fascinating story. Piracy as we all know is a growing problem. Is there a lawsuit pending against Clarke at this time? ED We hope it wont be necessary to go down that route. Clarke is of a younger generation who doesnt understand the importance of preserving our movie industry. We do however urge the public to get on board, go to the cinema and see this film on the big screen. TOM So we can expect a release soon? ED Late summer, Tom.

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TOM Im lost for words. Its been a remarkable journey Ed and I sincerely wish you the best of luck in the future. Late Summer folks, dont miss this film, it is beyond hilarious, even if youve seen the leaked version, get to the cinema and bring your friends. Well, Ed, its been an absolute pleasure having you on the show! ED Thank you Tom. The crowd give a massive round of applause as ED exits. TOM Our next guest tonight, winner of this years sensational Film Star, please put your hands together for Mr Dennis Cooke, ladies and gentlemen. BACK TO: CLARKE throws a fit and starts trashing the living room violently, screaming like a tit. CUT TO: EXT. STUDIO - EVENING TIME Cue gentle uplifting piano music. ED exits the studio and slowly looks up at the sky, closes his eyes takes a deep breath and smiles. He opens his eyes. REVEAL MARIA STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM FROM THE WAIST UP. SHES NOT HAPPY. ED Maria, Look I can explain... CUT TO: INT. AMBULANCE Music has suddenly stopped and sirens are blaring. ED is lying down on a stretcher wearing an OXYGEN MASK convulsing and pissing blood from his jugular vein. The paramedics are at a loss, blood everywhere. PARAMEDIC 1 I cant stop the bleeding.

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PARAMEDIC 2 Stay with us buddy. You stay with us. Cue Finishing Title Music. A montage of Newspapers spinning towards the camera follows, like in the old movies. The first reads... Hollywood vigils continue as Edward Shields recovers from vicious assault. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - SHOWERED WITH BOUQUETS OF FLOWERS AND GIFTS A NURSE hands ED a HAMPER signed Get well soon, Brad and Angie DISSOLVE TO: More Newspaper and magazine covers... "The Revolution WILL be televised!" (Picture of ED and MICK) "New Stanislavski, the perfect storm!" "Bidding War over Distribution Rights" "More Awards than Bono" (Picture of MICK and ED holding loads of awards) They now have bleached teeth themselves. A mock magazine cover featuring ED and MARIA "Our story so far" and DAVE and ROISIN... The next chapter A mock magazine with ROISIN on the front cover. Love USSR Babe to support Farrell in new Blockbuster. CUT TO: EXT: DUBLIN STREET ED, MICK and DAVE are walking down the street in slow motion wearing suits and HD SUNGLASSES, nodding to shocked passers by. ROISIN accompanies them in a sexy dress. They are being photographed and recorded on MOBILE PHONES. They eventually come to a cinema and enter through a mass of photographers and journalists. The camera pans up and "Love USSR" shows as "Now Playing" The camera pans up to the cinema roof top where we see a free pussy riot banner. A trio of girls in colourful balaclavas are performing. CUT TO:

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There is a montage of ED, MICK and DAVE laughing, crossfading into different scenes from their mockumentary. We see slow motion of the three with tears of laughter, shocked expressions, embarrassed expressions etc. CUT TO PHOTOGRAPHS OF MICK AND ED CUTTING THE RIBBON ON A NEW STANISLAVSKI SCHOOL OF ACTING Music finishes/fades CUT TO: EXT. DAYTIME A CLIFF EDGE Clarke stands by the cliff edge. B.O CUE MUSIC - THE SCRIPT

Credits play accompanied by MICK and EDs full viral documentary. THE END