BAD DOLPHIN

Written by GARY PARKER

WGA REG. Garyparker91423@yahoo.com

FADE IN EXT. SEA OF JAPAN - DAY A battle between a Greenpeace Ship and a Japanese Whaling Ship rages. (stock footage) SUPER - SEA of JAPAN They fire water cannons at each other. The ships collide! The camera pans from the battle, three miles away. C/U ON - Three, Harpoon wielding, JAPANESE men in a small rowboat. They are... INT. ROWBOAT - CONTINUOUS CAPTAIN AHAB YAMAGATO(70) tough, mean, salt water in his veins. He readies his Harpoon and looks to the sea. SUMO(35) 6, 500lbs wears his hair in traditional Sumo style a huge Sumo diaper, and Life Jacket that doesnt fit. He sits and eats a MEATBALL sandwich. (a foot long from Subway) DANNY(22) computer geek. Wears white shirt, black tie, khakis, and glasses. He down loads his facebook page on his iphone while leaning on his Harpoon. NOTE: They all have THICK JAPANESE ACCENTS. CAPT.AHAB (peers into sea) Greenpeace can suck my yellow Jap ass! Japanese sailors like to rape and kill things, thats what we do. And theres nothing more fun, in the whole wide world, than killing a whale or a dolphin. But if I had to choose, Id have to say dolphin. Yeah, I love to kill dolphins. Why? I love it when my harpoon enters their fish flesh. And they scream in that high pitched scream. (impersonates dolphin) EE-EE-EEE! That sound, like a beautiful love song to my ears. EEEE-EE! Like song from Titanic. (sings) Near, far, where... Theres Tomato Sauce all over SUMOS face.

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SUMO (bites sandwich) Mammal. CAPT.AHAB What? SUMO Mammal. You said fish flesh. A dolphin is a mammal, not a fish. CAPT.AHAB (pissed off) Go fuck yourself you big fat piece of shit. SUMO (upset) Hey! Thats not nice. I didnt pay two million yen to be insulted. CAPT.AHAB Dont worry Jumbo the insults are free. The Sumo starts to cry. CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) Ohhhh for Christ sake. What a pussy. DANNY (to Capt.) Captain Ahab, now look what youve done. Danny takes pictures with his phone. And a selfie. DANNY (CONTD) (checks picture) OMG, great pic, LOL. I gotta put this on facebook right away. CAPT.AHAB AVAST! Thar she BLOWS! He points to the sea. We see a FIN! CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) There be DOLPHIN! DANNY How do you know its a dolphin?

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CAPT.AHAB How do I know your mothers gash smells like kimchi. DANNY (confused) What? CAPT.AHAB GET YOUR HARPOONS READY LADS! The Sumo stands. The boat tips. OOOOOOOH CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) For fuck sake Tiny! Try a salad once in a while. Now put down the sandwich, clean off your face, grab your God dam harpoon, and get ready. Sumo obeys. The FIN circles the boat. Danny snaps pictures. CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) Put that phone away before I SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS TOJO! Frightened, Danny obeys. Sumo still has Sauce on his face. SUMO (licks lips) Yummmmy, I love dolphin. The Dolphin swims quickly past the boat. We and the Captain see the Dolphin has a RED STREAK on its left side. CAPT.AHAB (overly excited) Holy Shit! Its a RED STREAK DOLPHIN lads! HOLY SHIT! A Red Streak Dolphin! SUMO Whats a Red Streak Dolphin Captain Ahab? CAPT.AHAB Only the most rare, precious, and valuable Dolphin in the world. There are only five know to exist. Tickle my sphincter and call me Sally. Its worth a fuckin fortune.

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DANNY Dead or alive? CAPT.AHAB Either one, dead or alive. It doesnt affect the price. Here he comes! The Dolphin heads straight for the boat! CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) READY HARPOONS YE LANDLUBBERS! They obey. The Dolphin swims faster. CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) And THROW! They throw their harpoons! And miss. We hear the Dolphin laugh. EEEEE-EEEEE-EEEEEE! As they reel in their harpoons... SUMO Was he laughing at us? CAPT.AHAB The Red Streak Dolphin is the most intelligent creature on the planet. Its brain is twice the size of a human brain. Legend says the Red Streak Dolphin can speak telepathically. I dont know if thats true. But what I do know for sure, the Red Streak Dolphin is a Natural Born Killer. DANNY (doesnt believe) Oh come on? Theres no such thing as a Killer Dolph... CAPT.AHAB (over) LOOK OUT! Dannys HARPOON is hurled from the ocean! It impales Danny! With his dying breath, he takes out his i-phone, snaps a selfie and text.... DANNY Hashtag Harpooned by Dolphin. Hit Send (MORE)

5. DANNY (CONT'D) (hits send, types quickly) Final download to facebook. Complete. Send. Time to die...

He falls into the ocean dead. CAPT.AHAB (raises harpoon) HES COMIN BACK AROUND! GET READY FAT BOY! The Dolphin races toward the boat! The Sumo freaks out! Screams like a bitch! SUMO AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHH! CAPT.AHAB (to Dolphin) Come and get some ye spawn of Satan. Sumo continues screaming! AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH! IN SLOW MOTION The Dolphin springs from the ocean! Ahab throws the harpoon! It misses! The Dolphin flies over Ahab and straight to screaming Sumo! He grabs Sumo around the throat! As they both tumble into the ocean, the Dolphins tail flicks Ahabs right EYE! Blood streams down his face! He screams AHHHHHHH! SLOW MOTION ENDS Ahab ignores the pain and scrambles for the harpoons. He screams in a mixture of broken English and Japanese. CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) (tough determined) YOURE DEAD! DO YOU HEAR ME!? YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD! NO GOD DAM FISH WILL GET THE BEST OF CAPTAIN AHAB YAMAGATO!!! He stands at the ready, with a Harpoon in each hand! And peers at the ocean! CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) COME ON! IM HERE! FACE ME LIKE A MAN! (MORE)

6. CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) AFTER I IMPALE YOU WITH THESE HARPOONS, IM GOING TO RAPE YOU IN YOUR BLOW HOLE! DO YOU HEAR ME DOLPHIN!? I WILL RAPE YOU IN YOUR BLOW HOLE HARD!

The Dolphins head pops-up from the water. It yells to the Captain! EE-EE-EE! He turns. They stare at each other for a couple seconds. CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!? IM RIGHT HERE! COME ON! The Dolphin concentrates. We hear a dull Sonar Wave Pitch emanating from the Dolphins brain. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! The sound affects the Captain. His head hurts. CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) (in pain) What are you doing? How are you doing that? The Dolphin concentrates harder! The Sonar Wave Pitch increases! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! The Captain screams AHHHHHHH! He drops the harpoons and falls to his knees! Covers his ears. The sound increases! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) (pleads) Stop! Pleeeeeeease stop! Thru the Sonar Wave Pitch, the Dolphin speaks TELEPATHICALLY to the Captain. DOLPHIN Captain Ahab you rice eatin, sushi shitin , Gook eyed, zipper headed, greasy slope JAP. You have MURDERED your last Dolphin. Do you hear me Fish Head!? The pitch increases! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! CAPT.AHAB (pleads) Yes, I hear you. Im sooo sorry. Really. (MORE)

7. CAPT.AHAB (CONT'D) I will never kill another Dolphin. I promise. Just please make it stop. PLEASE!?

DOLPHIN No. Not just yet Captain Ahab Yamagato. You have not suffered near enough for your abominable crimes against my species. Now pull down your pants. CAPT.AHAB What!? DOLPHIN Pull down your pants NOW! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! The Captain screams! AHHHHHH! CAPT.AHAB OKAY! OKAY! He pulls down his pants! An Old, Pale, White, ASS! DOLPHIN Good. Now get down on all fours. CAPT.AHAB Wh...? DOLPHIN (over) DO IT! He obeys. CAPT.AHAB (terrified) What are you going to do? DOLPHIN Its pay back time bitch. (impersonates porn music) Boom-Boom-chicka-chicka-ckicka-wahwah-chicka-chicka-whee-whee CAPT.AHAB (terrified) I dont understand? DOLPHIN Have you ever heard the expression Take one for the Team?

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CAPT.AHAB Yes. DOLPHIN Well Captain Ahab, take a twelve inch your dump hole for murdering Japanese youre about to Dolphin Dick up your team of sailors.

CAPT.AHAB NO PLEASE NOT THAT! DOLPHIN BONSAIIIIIIII! The Dolphin leaps onto the Captains back! EE-EE-EE-EE! And HUMPS! CAPT.AHAB NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The theme song to the TV show FLIPPER plays. SONG They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning.... As the camera pans up to the sky we hear.... CAPT.AHAB (O.S.) AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH! EE-EE-EE! SONG No one you see, is smarter than he. SMASH CUT: Title Card: BAD DOLPHIN

SONG (CONTD) And you know Flipper, Flipper, lives in a world full...

CUT TO:

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EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY Its a rundown two story dump. The song continues... SUPER - 2 YEARS LATER. SAN DIEGO CALIFORNIA SONG Of wonder living there under, under the sea... CUT TO: INT. DRO AND BONGS APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS C/U on TV - Its an old episode of FLIPPER from 1969. SONG The children love Flipper, Flipper... As the camera pulls back we see... The apartment is a total dump. Two STONERS sit on a ratty couch, watch Flipper, and share a BONG. They are... DRO(23)a Little Person 45, surfer, epic stoner. BONG(22) African American, 510 300lbs, large Afro, surfer, epic, epic, stoner. They are both totally wasted. And getting wasteder. DRO (on tv) Bong, bro, Flipper is waaaaay smart bro. I heard that dolphin fish have bigger brains than humans. Seriously. BONG Tru dat. Thats bitchin. I am sooo fucked up right now. Dro agrees. Takes a long bong hit. A loud knock at the door! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! The door is wide open. They turn to see their Landlord. Hes... MR.PATEL(65) Indian. He speaks with a thick accent.

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DRO/BONG (happy) Hey Mr. Patel! Come in! Good to see you bro! Come in, get high with us. Come on! He enters. They offer him the bong. In the B/G - Flipper plays. MR.PATEL (sad, upset) No thank you. Dro and Bong, you know I love you both, right? DRO/BONG Fooo shoo. And we love you too mister Patel. They hug him. MR.PATEL Than if you love me so much. Why havent you paid your rent in four months? Why? They look at each other. DRO/BONG (laugh) Because were broke bro. MR.PATEL You dont have any money at all? DRO/BONG Nope. MR.PATEL (nicely) This is totally fucked up fellas. You are making me the bad guy here. And I hate being a bad guy. He starts to cry. They comfort him. DRO/BONG There, there. Dont cry. You could never be a bad guy mister Patel. Never. Dro and Bong start to cry, hard.

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MR.PATEL (thru his tears) Here. He hands them an EVICTION NOTICE. MR.PATEL (CONTD) You have to be out by tomorrow. DRO/BONG Okay, we understand. Its not your fault. DRO Please take a hit? He offers the bong. Mr. Patel wipes away the tears. MR.PATEL Okay. He takes a nice loooooooong hit. BONG Better? MR.PATEL Yes. Very nice. Very nice. Thank you. He heads for the door. Stops. Starts crying again. MR.PATEL (CONTD) Im sooo upset. Dro and Bong hug him. DRO/BONG Its on us bro. Our bad. You are an epic Landlord. MR.PATEL Really? DRO Fo shizle. BONG Tru dat, They all fist bump, slap hands, and mushroom cloud.

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MR.PATEL Guys you still have (checks watch) Eighteen hours. Im sure you can think of some way to come up with the money. Pleeeeease. He HUGS THEM HARD! MR.PATEL (CONTD) Please! DRO/BONG Well try mister Patel. Well try. We promise. BONGS BODY BEGINS TO SHAKE! HE YELLS, BLA-BLA-BLA! BLABLA-BLA! HIS EYES ROLL TO THE BACK OF HIS HEAD! MR.PATEL What the fuck? DRO Give him some room mister Patel. He and Patel move back. BONG LOOKS UP TO THE CEILING! HIS HEAD WOBBLES GIBBERISH! MR.PATEL (concerned) Whats wrong with him? Is he having a seizure? Call 9-1-1. DRO No. Its okay. Hes fine. Whenever Bong gets upset he sometimes has episodes of Second Sight. MR.PATEL Second sight? Like seeing the future? DRO Yeah. Check it out. THE GIBBERISH STOPS! HIS HEAD SNAPS IN PLACE! BONGS EYES ARE CLOSED. HE FACES DRO AND MR. PATEL. They stare at him. And wait. AS HE SPEAKS

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MR.PATEL (nervous, whisper to Dro) What....? BONGS EYES POP OPEN! Scared Mr. Patel jumps into Dros arms! MR.PATEL (CONTD) Holy shit! Theres some paranormal activity goin down up in this mother fucker... DRO (over) Shhhhhh. Listen. Whatever he says, we must do. MR.PATEL I hope he says pay the rent. I hope, I hope, I hope,, DRO Shhhhh. BONGS MOUTH DROPS OPEN! MR.PATEL Holy Mahatma! DRO Shhhhh. BONGS VOICE SOUNDS GOD-LIKE. BONG THE RED STREAK DOLPHIN IS THE ANSWER YOU SEEK. SAVE THE RED STREAK DOLPHIN AND YOU SAVE YOURSELVES AND ALL OF MANKIND. THE RED STREAK DOLPHIN IS MANKINDS PATH TO REDEMPTION AND SALVATION. YOU MUST SAVE THE RED STREAK DOLPHIN. Bong SNAPS out of the trance. Doesnt know it happened. BONG (CONTD) Im starvin. Ill check the fridge. He exits.

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MR.PATEL (to Dro) That was fuckin freaky dude. DRO Totally. MR.PATEL BTW, there is a Red Streak Dolphin at SeaWorld. They call him Red. Say hes the last of his species. Theyre trying to get him to mate with one of the other fish. DRO Bitchin. Ill check it out. MR.PATEL I gotta bounce. They hug. MR.PATEL (CONTD) Dro, dont do anything crazy, okay? DRO Its all chill mister Patel. Its all chill. MR.PATEL Groovy. He exits. Bong enters munching a bag of chips. BONG Dro, we are epicly fucked dawg. Epicly. Well have to live in the car again. Dro stares at Flipper on TV. Bong stares too. DRO Maybe not. I have an idea. BONG What kind of idea? DRO A Red Streak Dolphin idea. CUT TO:

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EXT. SEAWORLD - NIGHT Dro and Bong struggle as they carry RED, the 7 foot Red Streak Dolphin to their car. (Bong holds the head, Dro the tail) A 1998 beat-up, old, Lincoln Town Car sits alone in the vacant parking lot. Red screams! EEE! EEE! EEE! DRO (whispers) Red be quiet. In a high pitched, barely audible, voice... RED Suck my dick midget. Shocked, Bong and Dro stop. Look at each other. BONG Did he just say, suck my dick midget? DRO No way. They continue walking. BONG (laughs) Yeah. Fish cant talk. Hes just a stupid fish right? RED And youre a stupid nigger, right? They stop. Look at each other. DRO/BONG Naaaaaaaaah. They reach the car. And place Red in the back seat. BONG I have a real bad feelin about this Dro. DRO No negative waves bro. Negativity, is soooooo, negative. You feel me?

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BONG (not convinced) I feel ya bro. INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS Bong starts the car. Dro pours bottles of water on Red. BONG Maybe we should stop smokin Black and White? Were hallucinating like mother fuckers. Dro fires up a FATTY! DRO Fuck that. Black and White is the shit. Come on we got to get to the Bay. They drive off. EXT. CAR - CONTINUOUS It drives thru San Diego. INT. CAR - MOMENTS LATER Smoke fills the cab. Bong and Dro are high. DRO (on joint) This is some righteous bud. Its working too. Everythings in Black and White. NOTE: DRO AND BONGS POV IS BLACK AND WHITE. Dro takes a hit. Hands it to Bong. BONG Fuck yeah. BONGS POV - Everythings in Black and White. He blazes. From the back seat... RED Eeeeeee! Eeeeeee! Puff, puff, pass, bitch! Puff, puff, pass!

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DRO I think Red wants a hit. RED Eeeee! Eeeee! BONG Go for it. Dro puts the Joint in Reds mouth. DRO Take a good long pull my brotha. Red takes a deep toke...holds it....than....smoke shoots from his blow hole. RED (high pitch) Ahhhhhhhhh, sweeeeeeet. BONG Weve arrived. EXT. CAR - CONTINUOUS It rolls into a parking space. Theyre at the BAY. CUT TO: EXT. BAY - CONTINUOUS One hundred yards off the shore we see a large Speed Boat with three men. CUT TO: INT. SPEED BOAT - CONTINUOUS Two Mexican Drug Cartel Hit Men, JUAN(35) and RICO(34) handsome(Male Models) dressed in flawless, black suits and ties, speak with... MURRY APPLEBAUM(55), short, fat, balding, accountant. He holds a Large SUITCASE with a GOLD HANDLE. Constantly uses a handkerchief to wipe sweat from his head. MURRY (nervous, whispers) Christ I hate the god dam ocean. (MORE)

18. MURRY (CONT'D) Im a land locked Hebrew you mashugana Mexicans.

JUAN Mister Applebaum, this is the bay not the ocean. MURRY Sure Juan. Whatever. Nervous, perspiring, and toweling his head like crazy, Murry looks at Juan...Juan looks at Murray...Rico looks at the suitcase than at Murry....Rico looks at Juan...tension mounts...Rico looks at Murry...hes scared shitless! Rico sloooooowly reaches into his breast coat pocket. Murrys terrified. Oh Shit Rico WHIPS OUT!! A COMB! And combs his hair. MURRY (CONTD) (relieved) Ooooooh sweet Jesus. Rico youre gonna give me a fuckin heart attack. Rico and Juan smirk. MURRY (CONTD) (in Yiddish) God protect me from these crazy GOY. (pause) Okay, okay. So, I got your two million. Small bills of course. (holds up suitcase) Oy vey thats heavy. So show me the drugs... CUT TO: EXT. BAY - SHORE - CONTINUOUS Reds in the water. Dro and Bong are on shore. Dro holds up a GOLD NECKLACE. He shows it to Red. DRO Okay Red see the gold necklace? Its Gold! Understand, GOLD! RED EEEEE! EEEEE!

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BONG This is never gonna work bro. DRO Well, do you have a better idea mister negativity? BONG No. DRO Than stop with the negative waves man. Its sooo wack. Positive waves. Positive waves. Say it with me. DRO (CONTD) Positive waves. Positive waves. DRO/BONG Positive waves. Positive waves. DRO Good. Much better. Bong agrees. DRO (CONTD) (to Red, shows necklace) Okay Red. Go find GOLD! GO FIND GOLD! GO BOY! GO! RED GOLD! Eeeee! FIND GOLD! Eeeee! He swims off! BONG I think he understood. DRO Positive waves bro. Positive waves. BONG Im feelin ya. They fist bump.

CUT TO:

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INT. SPEED BOAT - CONTINUOUS Juan and Rico hold guns on Murry. Hes toweling like crazy. MURRY (pleads) Wait a minute guys. This money is suppose to square me with the Cartel and El Hefe, doesnt it? RICO No it doesnt Murry. Juan and me have officially retired from El Hefe and the Cartel as of tonight. And were keeping the money and the drugs as severance pay. Comprendo? MURRY Si, si, comprendo, comprendo. Sure, sure. I understand. No problem. Thats cool. Keep it all. I wont say nothin. I swear. JUAN We know you wont mister Applebaum. They aim their guns. MURRY (pleads) But, but, but, Juan, Rico. I thought we were all mishpocha. Family. You know, amigos? Juan and Rico share a smirk. RICO Sorry puto. MURRY (terrified) Will you at least sit shiva for me? Rico and Juan look at each other. Nod Why not. RICO/JUAN Sure. MURRY Thank you. They FIRE! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

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The IMPACT throws Murry and the Gold Handled Suitcase OVERBOARD! JUAN Shit! Get the suitcase. RICO Youre not the boss of me. You get it. This is a new suit. JUAN (shows his fingers) Yeah, well youre not the boss of me either. And I just had a mani and a petti this afternoon. Draws his gun on Rico. JUAN (CONTD) (mean) Now get the fuckin suitcase, amigo. Rico draws his gun on Juan. RICO You get the fuckin suitcase, pendejo. Its a Mexican Standoff literally. JUAN (laughs) I know what this is. It has nothing to do with being the boss does it Rico? RICO What are you talking about? JUAN Jealousy. Thats what Im talking about. Jealousy. RICO Jealousy? Jealous of what? JUAN Of me. Youve always been jealous of me. Always. RICO (laughs) Why would I ever be jealous of you?

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JUAN Because of my bone structure. RICO What? JUAN Thats right. My bone structure. Look at my jaw line. Ive seen you admire it. (poses) Its perfect. Look. RICO Okay. I wont lie. You do have a very strong jaw line. But look at MY profile. (he poses) Huh? Huh? Look at it. Gorgeous right? People tell me all the time how beautiful my profile is. They say Rico, you should be in the movies. JUAN Yeah, selling popcorn... RICO (mad) You ugly mother fucker.. They shove their guns into each others faces. JUAN Ugly!? Well at least Ive never had Botox! RICO Botox!? Thats a LIE! Who told you that? JUAN A lie huh? If its a lie, than let me see you go like this. He makes a BIG SMILEY FACE! JUAN (CONTD) Go ahead. Try it. Like this! He makes the FACE again. RICO No problem.

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Rico tries hard, but cant SMILE BIG. JUAN You see! You see! RICO Give me a second for Christ sake. (strains) Huh? Huh? JUAN No! Like this! Like this! Makes FACE AGAIN! Rico struggles! HUH? HUH? Juan IMPERSONATES Ricos feeble attempts. They have DUELING FACES! Finally... JUAN (CONTD) Not even close. You cant do it. What did I tell you, BOTOX BOY. Rico finally gives up RICO ENOUGH! He places his gun at Juans temple. Juan does the same. JUAN Bring it bitch. RICO (super pissed) Dont push me Juan. I dont like to be pushed. You know Im Loco Essa. They stare each other down. Their fingers squeeze the triggers. Its intense. The intensity is broken by the sound of... EEEEEEE! EEEEEE! EEEEEE! JUAN Whats that? They look. RED has the Gold Handle in his mouth. And swimming away with the suitcase. RICO Shit! Its a dolphin. JUAN Hes got my money!

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RICO What ya mean, your money? CUT TO: EXT. BAY BEACH - MOMENTS LATER Dro and Bong stand on shore. Red approaches with the suitcase. EE-EE-EE! BONG Hes got something in his mouth. Dro and Bong wade in the water. DRO Its a suitcase. (to Red) Good boy Red! Good Boy! Bring it here. Red hands them the suitcase. They hurry to shore, and open it. Its filled with CASH!! DRO/BONG Oh my GOD! They hug. BONG You were right bro! Youre a genius! I will never ever doubt you again bro. Never! Positive waves foo sho. DRO Tru dat. Positive waves. Now we gotta get Red and the money back home. CUT TO: EXT. BAY - MOMENTS LATER The Speed Boat pulls up to the shore. Juan drives. Rico points to Dro and Bongs Lincoln Town Car. RICO There! The car drives away.

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RICO (CONTD) Hand me the gun site, hurry! Juan obeys. Rico looks thru the gun site at the Town Car. GUN SITE POV - The Lincoln Town Cars license plate. JUAN Did you get it? RICO Got it. A SMALL EARTH QUAKE HITS! We hear a rumble. The boat tips. Juan and Rico hold on. JUAN Wooooah, Earth Quake. Did you feel that? RICO Hell yes I felt that. He turns away from Juan. Rico strains as he attempts to SMILE BIG. He cant do it. Epic FAIL. POLICE SIRENS BLARE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! CUT TO: EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER Two Police Motorcycles escort a NAVY ADMIRALS LIMO. We follow them from the street and into... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! EXT. SEAWORLD - PARKING LOT There are ten other vehicles parked. (Civilian and Military) The limo stops. The ADMIRAL(64), tall, distinguished, all business, in full uniform, smokes a cigar, exits the limo. Hes greeted by CAPTAIN JONES(40), in full uniform. CAPTAIN JONES (salutes) Admiral.

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ADMIRAL (returns salute) Is everybody here Captain? CAPTAIN JONES Yes sir. This way. As they walk into SeaWorld another small Earth Quake hits. They steady themselves. ADMIRAL Amen Brother Ben, Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition. CAPTAIN JONES (doesnt understand) Sir? ADMIRAL (serious) I pray to God were not too late Captain. CAPTAIN JONES Yes sir. They continue on. CUT TO: INT. SEAWORLD - CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Its set up like a War Room. Three large TV Screens are mounted on the walls. Four SCIENTIST, in white lab coats, and High Brass from the ARMY, MARINES, and AIR FORCE are in attendance. The Admiral and Captain enter. ADMIRAL Gentlemen. He takes his seat. They all sit, except Captain Jones. ADMIRAL (CONTD) Captain, show me what you know so far. The Captain holds the TV Remote. He clicks the TVs On.

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CAPTAIN JONES Yes Admiral. At nine fifteen pm our CCTV monitors picked up a disturbance in REDS tank. We see the VIDEO of Red in his tank. He swims in a circle three times....stops...and stares straight into the camera. ADMIRAL Whats he looking at? CAPTAIN JONES Please watch sir. Red breathes on the GLASS. It FOGS UP. He begins to write a message with his nose. 1ST SCIENTIST Oh my god. Thats impossible. Everyone is shocked. C/U on TV SCREEN - Red has written FUCK YOU ADMIRAL on the glass. ADMIRAL (shocked) Sweet mother Mary. CAPTAIN JONES Than this happened. The CCTV monitor goes black. CAPTAIN JONES (CONTD) It seems Red has the ability to manipulate electrical frequencies with his brain. And shut down the system Admiral. How he got out of the tank and out of the park we havent got a clue sir. ADMIRAL (mad) You mean to tell me the millions of dollars the US Navy has spent on surveillance equipment for this facility and it all went down at the same time? Thats impossible. And what about the M.P.s on duty? Where were they?

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CAPTAIN JONES Yes sir, one camera was working. But you may not want to watch the images sir. Theyre extremely graphic. They involve the M.P.s. ADMIRAL (dead serious) Ive been in combat son. Ive seen it all. Now play the video. CAPTAIN JONES Yes sir. C/U on TV SCREEN - Two Male Military Police (MP) are in a broom closet. The 1ST MP is on his knees giving the 2ND MP a BLOW JOB. 1ST MP After I suck your Mizzenmast dry Im gonna swab your Poop Deck with my tongue. He gags on his COCK! ADMIRAL (disgusted) Oh sweet Jesus. Turn that off. The Captain tries but theres something wrong with the remote. The 1ST MP is really enjoying giving head. And hes very loud. Most of the men in the room are repulsed, others dig it. 2ND MP Awwww man. I shouldnt have eaten that three bean burrito for lunch. He FARTS long and hard! Frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrup! ADMIRAL For the love of God Captain PLEASE! CAPTAIN JONES (keeps trying) Im trying sir. Must be the batteries. Frantic, he SMACKS the remote.

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1ST MP I love the smell of your shit stained underwear. Like Hershey Kisses. Yummmmmmmmmy, Yum, Yum. He FARTS AGAIN! FRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUP! 1ST MP (CONTD) Ooooooooh! That one sprayed. Baby like poopy. SUCK! SLURP! ADMIRAL CAPTAIN!? It finally goes OFF! CAPTAIN JONES Sorry sir. (pause) Now lead scientist doctor Bill Pope will explain how Red the Dolphin acquired his special abilities and how he and they affect the stability of the Earths Magnetic Field. Doctor Pope. BILL POPE(45) has the Einstein look. He stands. The Captain hands him the remote. BILL Thank you Captain. (points remote at tv) Yes Admiral, you will see on our video, the experiments with Red the Dolphin.. He CLICKS the remote. The TV comes ON.... The image of the two MPs fucking. The 2ND MP is plowing the 1ST MP doggy style. 1ST MP Im your whore! Im your little sailor boy bitch! Bill frantically tries to turn it off. ADMIRAL OH COME ON! 2ND MP Suck my shitty fingers whore!

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He puts his fingers in his mouth. 1ST MP Yes! Yes! Harder! Harder! IT GOES OFF! ADMIRAL Could we please use another screen. BILL Yes Admiral. The other TV Screen clicks ON. We see images of RED. Bill and the other Scientist perform experiments on him. Its painful! Red screams! EEEEEE! EEEEEE! ADMIRAL What are you doing to that poor animal doctor? BILL A certain degree of pain was necessary Admiral to achieve the highest test results possible. At times the Dolphin did suffer sir. ADMIRAL No wonder he wrote me that note. Red screams. EEEEE! EEEEE! BILL The Red Streak Dolphins brain is more evolved than any human brain on the planet. Red now has a IQ of 725. ADMIRAL Thats impossible. We see images of Bill INJECTING Red with needles. BILL No sir it isnt. When we introduced Zenite 3-2-5-0-6 into Reds brain, his sonar waves went off the charts. And he developed Telekinesis. We see Red concentrating. With his mind he lifts a Beach Ball out of the water.

31.

BILL (CONTD) That was after two weeks of treatment. This is the fourth week. Telekinetically Red lifts Bill out of the water. ADMIRAL So how does this all equate to a Global Disaster? I dont understand? BILL Here Ill show you. Images on the TV Screen are of EARTH, Earths MAGNETIC FIELD, Red and his Magnetic Field. BILL (CONTD) (points at screen) This is Earth, Earths magnetic field, Red and Reds magnetic field. They are somehow, and were not quite sure how just yet, CONNECTED as ONE. The Magnetic Impulses from Earth and Red meld together. ADMIRAL Connected as one? How? BILL Red is the last of his species. We think that plays a huge part in this Electromagnetic paring scenario. Thats why we brought him to SeaWorld in hopes hed mate with other dolphins. But it hasnt happened yet He points to the screen. Electrical waves from Earth and Red increase in polarity. BILL (CONTD) We, the other scientist and myself have concluded that it is a matter of Pitch and Frequency. Reds pitch and frequency is IDENTICAL to Earths magnetic field pitch and Frequency. ADMIRAL (confused) Please doctor Pope. (MORE)

32. ADMIRAL (CONT'D) Could you explain it again. But this time, keep it simple.

The images on the TV change. Red and the Earth are apart. BILL Simple, yes sir. Here it is. If Red is not back in the Atlantic Ocean twenty five miles off the coast of Miami... The image of Earth, Red, Miami, and the Devils Triangle. BILL (CONTD) Within forty eight hours the Magnetic Field of the Earth will fail and the Earth will be Destroyed. Everyone in the room is shocked and upset. The image shows the earths Magnetic Field vanishing. The Earth Cracks Up and EXPLODES! ADMIRAL The Devils Triangle? The image changes to the Devils Triangle. Electrical Waves pulsate from its Core. We see a Black Spot in the waves. BILL Yes sir. The Devils Triangle. Its the heart of Earths magnetic field. (points at Black Spot) And you see here, this Black Spot is a Void where Reds electrical frequency belongs. This Void is whats causing the Earth Quakes. They will continue and get exponetially worse. Until, the earth eventually breaks apart. Images of the VOID (Black Spot) grows larger...larger...larger! Eventually engulfing the Electromagnetic Field surrounding the Earth. Earth Quakes, Volcanoes, Global Devastation. Theres a Strong EARTH QUAKE! The room rocks! Everyone holds on and looks worried. ADMIRAL We gotta find that Dolphin and get him to Miami immediately.

33.

BILL Yes sir. Bill sits. Captain Jones stands. CAPTAIN JONES Admiral we have a special Team who were specifically designed for just this type of emergency sir. ADMIRAL Designed? Alright, lets see your team Captain. CAPTAIN JONES Yes sir. (pause) Bring in the AQUANAUTS. The door opens. In march four hardcore Men and one Woman. They are dressed in matching Red Jumpsuits, Black Boots, and carry Metal Helmets (they resemble Magnetos helmet from XMen) In total military fashion they march to the Admiral, snap to attention, and salute. He returns the salute. CAPTAIN JONES (CONTD) These men and this woman volunteered to have their DNA genetically altered to become more aquatic. In an attempt to better serve America sir. Isnt that right Aquanauts? AQUANAUTS YES SIR! CAPTAIN JONES Sargent Shark, please step forward. SHARK(30), 65, all muscle, he looks like a shark. SHARK (steps forward) Yes sir. CAPTAIN JONES Please show the Admiral your teeth Shark. He obeys. We see four rows of jagged shark teeth. He YANKS a Tooth OUT! Another instantly GROWS! The Brass are impressed.

34.

CAPTAIN JONES (CONTD) Shark can swim at a speed of 40 knots sir. (to others) Thats approximately 45 miles per hour gentlemen. And his skin can repel any type of bullet or stabbing weapon. Shark removes a KNIFE from his suit. And stabs himself in the Chest, HARD! The Knife bends like aluminum foil. CAPTAIN JONES (CONTD) Thank you Shark. He steps back in line. ADMIRAL Impressive. CAPTAIN JONES Octavia, front and center please. OCTAVIA(25) shes a beautiful, busty, Amazon. OCTAVIA (steps forward) Yes sir. CAPTAIN JONES Please show the Admiral your talent. OCTAVIA Yes sir. She shakes her hair. It becomes a GIANT OCTOPUS! Its Tentacles race around the room wrapping themselves around everyone and everything. Everyones impressed. ADMIRAL Very, very impressive Captain. CAPTAIN JONES Thank you sir. Thank you Octavia. She returns to her place in line. The Admiral stands.

35.

ADMIRAL (dramatic) Aquanauts the fate of the World rest in your hands. Do you understand? AQUANAUTS Yes sir! ADMIRAL You must find Red the Dolphin and get him safely to Miami. Do you understand? AQUANAUTS Yes sir! ADMIRAL (serious, cold) Now, I dont know Who or which Terrorist Group could have perpetrated such a heinous act upon America and the whole of Mankind. But when you find them I want you to (Pounds on the table) Kill them All! Do you understand Aquanauts!? KILL THEM ALL! AQUANAUTS Yes sir! Kill them All! TECHNO DANCE MUSIC BLAST!

CUT TO: INT. DRO AND BONGS APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS The Music is PUMPIN! IN SLOW MOTION MONTAGE A PARTY RAGES! DRO, BONG, and MR.PATEL DANCE WITH 10 BEAUTIFUL HOOKERS! THEY THROW HANDS FULL OF CASH INTO THE AIR! RED IS IN THE BATH TUB, THE SHOWER IS RUNNING, AND HES HAVING SEX WITH 2 HOT HOOKERS!

36.

THEYRE ALL IN THE LIVING ROOM, INCLUDING RED(PROPPED UP IN A BABY SWIMMING POOL), SMOKING DOPE, DOING LINES OF COKE, AND MACIN WITH HOOKERS! THEYRE ALL DANCIN AND HOLDING UP RED! TABLES OF DELICIOUS FOOD AND DESERTS! A BARREL FULL OF RAW FISH FOR RED! THEY ALL PIG OUT AND HAVE A FOOD FIGHT! MORE DRUGS, FOOD, SEX, AND DANCING THE ROOM SPINS ROUND, ROUND, ROUND, AND ROUND.... THE SCREEN GOES BLACK. MONTAGE ENDS CUT TO: EXT. DRO AND BONGS APARTMENT - MORNING Its a beautiful sunny day. INT. DRO AND BONGS APARTMENT The sun shines thru the windows. The place is a disaster. Dro, Bong, and Mr. Patel are passed out on the floor. Red is passed out in the bath tub. The Hookers are gone. AN EARTH QUAKE HITS! Dro and Bong wake up. Mr. Patel is sound asleep. MR.PATEL (talks in his sleep) Oh no Ganesa, your trunk is beautiful. DRO (groggy, to Bong) That was an earth quake bro. We should get high. BONG Wakin and bakin. Lovin it. Dro sits on the couch. Fires up a bong. DRO Turn on the tv lets see how bad the earth quake was.

37.

Bong obeys. On the tv a News REPORTER... REPORTER Military and Civilian Authorities are frantically searching for RED the Red Striped Dolphin. A picture of Red appears. Dro and Bong get high. REPORTER (CONTD) Who was kidnapped from his tank at SeaWorld late last night. The Navy and San Diego Police Department are asking for the publics help in finding RED and his KIDNAPPERS. If you see Red, pictured here, please contact the authorities immediately. I repeat... CUT TO: INT. BAR - CONTINUOUS SUPER - PORTS-O-CALL SAN PEDRO CALIF. The place is small, dirty, and dark. The Bartender washes glasses. A LONE PATRON sits at the bar. He watches the News Broadcast on a TV mounted behind the bar. C/U on TV - The Reporter... REPORTER Military and Civilian Authorities are frantically searching for RED the Red Striped Dolphin... The picture of RED appears again. We hear a LOUD YELL! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! A HARPOON impales the TV! The Bartender dives for cover! FULL SHOT - The Lone Patron is CAPTAIN AHAB! He wears a black Eye Patch. And pants like a Wild Animal. He glares at Reds photo. His eye looks Crazy and full of Hate! His hair and beard are long and unkept.

38.

CAPT.AHAB (evil) Kill dolphin. Kill dolphin. Kill Red. CUT TO: INT. HOME BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER Its dirty and disgusting. An OLD MAN(80) sits on the toilet. He reads the paper and takes a Wicked SHIT. Its loud and gross. THE BATHROOM DOOR IS KICKED IN! Its JUAN and RICO! The Old Man is shocked! The SMELL OVERWHELMS the two Hit Men. RICO/JUAN (cover their noses) Jesus H. Christ! Holy mother of God! OLD MAN AHHHHHHHHHH! Terrified he jumps off the toilet. And DIARRHEAS all over Rico and Juans SHOES and the floor! THEY BOTH VOMIT in the Old Mans face! He tries to run! They grab him! He struggles! AN EARTH QUAKE HITS! THE ROOM SHAKES! RICO/JUAN MOTHER FUCKER! All three men lose their balance and fall into the DIARRHEA! Theres SHIT everywhere! In their Hair, on their Faces, all over their Clothes. They look at each other. RICO/JUAN (CONTD) (scream) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! CUT TO: EXT. HOUSE - LATER SUPER - 15 MINUTES LATER

39.

The front door opens. Out walks Rico and Juan. Theyre freshly showered and wearing the Old Mans clothes. At the door.... OLD MAN Sorry I couldnt help you Officers. But that car was stolen three years ago. RICO Yes sir. Got it. Thank you. JUAN Sorry for the mix-up mister Smith. He closes the door. They walk to their car. RICO So what now? JUAN I say we go back to the hotel, get changed, get something to eat. RICO Sounds good. What about the money. JUAN After we eat, well go to SeaWorld. RICO SeaWorld? (gets it) Awwwwwh yeah. SeaWorld. Smart. They make it to the car. Ricos Cell Phone buzzes. BZZZZZ! BZZZZZZ! He looks. RICOS POV - On the phone the words EL HEFE flash. JUAN El Hefe? RICO Yeah. JUAN Dont answer it. RICO I wont.

40.

They get in the car. And peel out. CUT TO: EXT. EL HEFES COMPOUND - CONTINUOUS Armed Guards patrol this massive compound. SUPER - DRUG LORD EL HEFES COMPOUND, JUAREZ MEXICO INT. EL HEFES COMPOUND - CONTINUOUS In the backyard beside an Olympic size swimming pool is EL HEFE(57). Hes confined to an Automatic Wheelchair.(He controls it by Blowing into a Tube) He suffers from severe Sclerosis and speaks thru a Computer attached to the wheelchair. (ala Stephen Hawking) He watches his beautiful Niece/Bodyguard RAINBOW(24) as she practices Karate on two Male Sparing Partners. Shes BAD-ASS! Defeats them easily. Does a BACK HAND SPRING, simultaneously removes 2 KNIVES from her boot and throws the Knives at a target on a tree! BULLSEYE! EL HEFE (computerized voice) Very good Rainbow. Very good. She runs to her Uncle. And kisses his cheek. RAINBOW Thank you Uncle Hefe. EL HEFE Rainbow I have a job for you. He blows into the tube. The wheelchair rolls forward. They walk/roll beside the pool. RAINBOW Yes Uncle, your wish is my command. A GNAT buzzes around Hefes face. EL HEFE Rainbow, the gnat please. RAINBOW Yes uncle.

41.

She brushes the gnat away. EL HEFE Thank you my dear. He blows into the tube. Rolls forward. EL HEFE (CONTD) Juan and Rico have stolen drugs and money from me. Rainbow, I want you to find them and kill them, my dear. The gnat returns. Buzzes Hefes face. RAINBOW Consider it done Uncle. They are both dead men. EL HEFE Good. Gnat please. RAINBOW Oh yes uncle. She shoos it away. He blows into the tube. Rolls forward. EL HEFE Such a sweet girl. THE GNAT FLIES STRAIGHT UP HEFES NOSE! EL HEFE (CONTD) (panic) Oh no Im going to SNEEZE! RAINBOW (worried) Uncle!? EL HEFE AAAAAAAAAAACHOOO! The Wheelchair does a 180 degree SPIN! EL HEFE (CONTD) Oh no not again. And ROCKETS INTO THE POOL! As it sinks. EL HEFE (CONTD) I hate my life. CUT TO:

42.

INT. DRO AND BONGS APARTMENT - BATHROOM Dro and Bong struggle to get Red out of the tub. He doesnt want to go! EEEEE! EEEEEE! DRO Red we got to get you back to SeaWorld bro. Everybodys looking for you. BONG Its for your own good Red. We dont know nothin about takin care of a Dolphin. They struggle! Red is pissed off! He concentrates. We hear a Dull SONIC TONE. It emanates from Reds brain. UMMMMMMMMMMMM! DRO (hears) What is that? Bong doesnt know. RED SPEAKS TELEPATHICALLY! RED ENOUGH! Dro and Bong jump back! What the Fuck!? Red concentrates harder! UMMMMEEEEEEEEEEE! Hes using his TELEKINETIC POWERS. Dro and Bong cant move. DRO Hey, I cant move!? BONG Me neither! Thru the Sonic Tone Red speaks... RED Shut the fuck up! DRO Oh my GOD! Red can talk. RED Now listen to me you munchkin, follow the yellow brick road singin, Billy Barty wanna be cock suckin midget bitch faggot... DRO Hey!?

43.

BONG Wooooah that was extreme. RED I havent forgotten you, Kunta Kinte, Step and Fetch it, Porch Monkey, twelve years a slave, watermellon lovin, grape soda drinkin, chicken and waffles shitin, Ghetto boy. BONG Now thats just cold blooded bro. DRO Red, what have we ever done to you, that you would say those things to us? RED (mad) What have you ever done!? What HAVE YOU EVER DONE!!!???!!! He Telekinetically raises them up in the air. And moves them Woooah! Woooah!. Dro and Bong now face each other. RED (CONTD) I WILL SHOW YOU BOTH WHAT YOU FUCKING HUMANS HAVE DONE TO ME AND MY KIND! AND TO THE OCEANS WE CALL HOME! Red concentrates HARD! He sends IMAGES from his BRAIN to Dro and Bongs brains. Their eyes close. RED (CONTD) SEE THE TRUTH SCUM BAGS! DRO/BONG I SEE IT! I SEE IT! NOTE: INTERCUT BETWEEN IMAGES AND DRO, BONG AND RED REACTIONS We see the IMAGES of... RED LEADS HIS FAMILY AND A SCHOOL OF HAPPY DOLPHINS. THEY SWIM IN A BEAUTIFUL BLUE SEA. JAPANESE SHIPS CHASE THE DOLPHINS. AND KILL ALL! Red escapes. DRO/BONG (CONTD) (cry) No! No!

44.

DOLPHINS AND WHALES ARE CAUGHT IN NETS! THEY SCREAM AS THEY DROWN! DRO/BONG (CONTD) (cry harder) No more please! RED Ive just gotten started you two human douche bags. OIL RIGS, FACTORIES, DUMPING WASTE, POLLUTING THE OCEANS. DISCOLORED FISH, DOLPHINS, WHALES, MUTILATED FROM THE TOXINS DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH. DRO/BONG Nooooooooo! RED DO YOU SEE!? DO YOU FUCKIN SEE!? THE US NAVY SHIPS PERFORMS SONAR TEST ON SCHOOLS OF DOLPHINS. THEY BEACH THEMSELVES. AND DIE A SLOW HORRIBLE DEATH! DRO/BONG (crying hard) Were soooo sorry. Pleeease stop Red, pleeease. RED ESCAPES BUT IS CAPTURED BY THE NAVY! RED NOW WATCH WHAT YOUR NAVY DID TO ME! SCIENTIST SUBJECT RED TO TERRIBLE EXPERIMENTS! INJECT HIM WITH HUGE NEEDLES! RED SCREAMS IN PAIN! EEEEEE! EEEEE! THEY THROW HIM IN A TANK WITH TWO HUGE SHARKS! THEY BATTLE TO THE DEATH! RED BARLEY SURVIVES! DRO/BONG (crying) Were sooo sorry Red. Sooo sorry. RED Now its my turn to get EVEN with all of Mankind. IMAGES OF THE EARTH AND EARTHS MAGNETIC FIELD. IT DISAPPEARS! EARTH QUAKES, VOLCANOES, DEATH DEVASTATION! THE EARTH EXPLODES! Red releases Dro and Bong. They fall to the floor crying.

45.

DRO What does that mean Red. BONG Are you going to destroy the earth bro? RED Yes I am Buckwheat. You and your kind created a Monster. And now the Monster will kill its Creators. Mr. Patel walks in. MR.PATEL WAzzzzzzz UPzzzzzz my brothas!? He HIGH FIVES everybody. And pets Red on the head! Patel takes a pee. MR.PATEL (CONTD) That party was SICK last night! SICK! SICK! SICK! Off the CHAIN! WOW! And Red kept his Pimp Fin Strong with those Hookers. Two at Once Red, two HOOKERS at Fuckin Once! You DA MAN! Red you DA fuckin MAN SON! I never knew Dolphins could party like that. (shakes his dick) All right! I love you guys. DRO/BONG We love you too mister Patel. Two earth quakes hit! Everyone holds on. MR.PATEL Wow, theyre getting worse. Gotta bounce. Red. Love ya buddy. RED SPEAKS HINDI. SUBTITLES RED Love you too you Sister Fucker, Mother Fucker, you should try a hamburger once in your life almost a Towel Head, Gandhi can suck my blow hole faggot. Mr. Patel is shocked. He stares at Red. Doesnt believe. Turns to Dro and Bong. They smile. Mr. Patel smiles back.

46.

MR.PATEL (laughs) I didnt know you boys could throw your voice like that. Which one did it? They point at Red. Okay, okay, I get it. Its a secret Well I LOVE IT! And your Hindi was perfect! Blew me away. Brilliant! Very funny. Very funny. You have to teach me how to do that. Okay? They nod Yes. MR.PATEL (CONTD) Well, gotta go. Later gators. He exits. DRO (reflects, sad) Wow, the end of the world. (pause, to Bong) Lets get high. BONG Foooo shooo. Red cries hard! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! WAAAAAAAAA! Dro and Bong comfort him. DRO Whats wrong Red? BONG Yeah why are you cryin buddy? RED (cant catch his breath) I, I, I, I, MISS MY GIRLFRIEND! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! CUT TO: INT. SEAWORLD - VALERIE LLOYDS OFFICE - LATER Oceanographer VALERIE LLOYD(24), smokin hot, works at her desk. Holds a big picture of she and Red. She runs her finger lovingly down the picture. Starts to cry.

47.

VALERIE (cries) Ooooh Red. Wipes away tears. A knock at her open door. She looks up. VALERIE (CONTD) Can I help you? Its..... DRO Ms. Valerie Lloyd? VALERIE Yes. EXT. SEAWORLD - MOMENTS LATER Dro and Valerie hurry to Dros car. Two Earth Quakes hit! DRO So Red is telling the truth about the end of the world? VALERIE Yes. They hop into the car. It peels out! They pass JUAN and RICOS Car as it drives into SeaWorld. INT. JUAN AND RICOS CAR Juan drives. RICO (sees Dros car, points) Juan look! They make a U-Turn and follow. EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS Dros car is followed by Rico and Juans car. They race thru traffic. They speed past...

48.

CAPTAIN AHAB. He walks on the sidewalk carrying his Harpoon! As the cars speed past he senses something! Tilts his head up high and SNIFFS the AIR. Hes found Reds sent. CAPT.AHAB (smiles) Ayyyyyyye. There be Red Streak Dolphin there be. Rrrrrr. He removes a SEXTANT from his pocket. A pad and pencil. Looks thru the instrument. Measures distance from clouds. Jots a few figures on the paper. CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) Ayyyyyye. Thar she beeeeee. Plots his course. We hear a rumbling in his stomach. Ahab looks worried. The rumbling gets LOUDER. CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) (to himself) Oh please be a Fart? Pleeeeease? He winces. CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) Ahab relax. Just reeeelax. And breeeathe. (he breathes) Thats it. Niiiiiice. (worried) Just a little fart thats all it is. Im not worried. Im not. The doctors assured me Im 100% healed. 100%. Zero leakage. Zero. FLASHBACK RED RAPES CAPTAIN AHAB! HE SCREAMS NOOOOOOOOO! RED YELLS EE-EE-EE! FLASHBACK ENDS CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) That was two long years ago. And I have healed physically as well as emotionally. His stomach rumbles again. CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) (strains to control it) Okay, okay, okay here I go. Eeeeeasy now....

49.

His stomach rumbles. He raises his right leg slightly. Readies for launch. CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) Annnnnnnd.... We hear a nice little Fart! FurrrrrrUP! CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) (happy, relieved) Ahhhhh that was nice. We HEAR (But dont See)... A TSUNAMI of SHIT GUSH from AHABS BROKEN ASS! A MOTHER and little BOY(5) pass by. BOY (points) Look mommy that man POOPED his pants. She hurries the Boy past. Ahab screams to the sky! CAPT.AHAB (insane) AHHHHHHHHHH! I WILL KILL YOU DOLPHIN! A large LONG JOHN SILVERS Truck (with a Sonar Tower on the roof) drives by. CUT TO: INT. LONG JOHN SILVERS - TRUCK - CONTINUOUS Captain Jones, dressed like a Pirate, drives. He communicates with the ADMIRAL on a Computer Screen attached to the dashboard. The other half of the Computer Screen is used as a SONAR SCREEN. In the rear of the truck sit the AQUANAUTS! Three on one side, two on the other side. They face each other. They all sneak peeks at OCTAVIAS large BOOBS! (As they bounce from the trucks motion) She feels their eyes. And looks up. The Aquanauts quickly turn away....except...LOBSTER GUY!(He sits across from her) He wasnt fast enough. He and Octavias eyes meet. Lobster Guy wipes Drool from his chin. He smiles an awkward smile.

50.

LOBSTER GUY Sorry. Octavia smiles back. The others giggle. A large Octopus Tentacle(Shaped like a Fist) ROCKETS FROM HER HAIR! IT PUNCHES LOBSTER GUY IN THE FACE! HARD! Hes SLAMMED AGAINST THE TRUCK. KAAABOOM! HE CRUMBLES TO THE FLOOR, OUT COLD! OCTAVIA (angry) Anybody else wanna take a look? Frightened, they SNAP their heads forward! And sit in silence. OCTAVIA (CONTD) I didnt think so. From the Computer Screen, we see the... ADMIRAL Any luck Captain? CAPTAIN JONES No sir. But were close. Sargent Shark has picked up some strong Dolphin vibrations sir. A Large Earth Quake hits. The truck swerves. On the screen... ADMIRAL (visibly upset) Captain were running out of time son. (check watch) Just under nineteen hours. CAPTAIN JONES Yes sir... On the Sonar Screen we see a Blip! It pings. PING! PING! CAPTAIN JONES (CONTD) (excited) Admiral! Admiral! We have a hit sir! We have a hit! ADMIRAL Great! Fantastic! Finally some good news. Please carry on Captain and keep me posted.

51.

CAPTAIN JONES Yes sir Admiral. CUT TO: EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS Dro drives fast. Juan and Rico follow. Dro speeds thru a YELLOW LIGHT! INT. JUAN AND RICOS CAR RICO Speed up bro. Dont lose them! JUAN Chill out man, Im not gonna lose em. The light turns RED! RICO GO! GO! Juan floors it! VRRRRRROOMMM! Too Late! He races thru the intersection and KAAABOOM! He HITS a car! Their car stalls. And rolls to a stop. RICO (CONTD) Youre a moron! Youre a fuckin moron! JUAN Its ON bro. Juan punches Rico in the face! They RUMBLE! Its brutal, but pretty even. A GAY MAN(40) comes to the window. GAY MAN (concerned) BOYS stop fighting! (claps hands) Stop it this INSTANT! What is wrong with you two!? STOP IT NOW! Juan and Rico obey. They turn to the Man.

52.

GAY MAN (CONTD) (hes in love) Oh my God, you two are Fn gorgeous. They love the attention. And quickly primp. RICO Whos better looking? GAY MAN What? JUAN Yeah, whos better looking? GAY MAN Well I... RICO (over) Im better looking right? JUAN This isnt Best in Show Rico PERO! RICO Fuck you Hound Dog! GAY MAN GENTLEMEN PLEASE! They stop! And listen. GAY MAN (CONTD) Youre both beautiful. Why the mean competition... RICO (over) Are you gay? GAY MAN I sure am honey butter. Loud, proud, and Gayer than Christmas. RICO Good. Gay men make the best Judges. Juan agrees. JUAN Thats true.

53.

GAY MAN What kind of judge? RICO Juan, my business associate and I, my names Rico... GAY MAN (over) Hi Juan. Hi Rico. Im Stefon. RICO Stefon we need an outsiders opinion to judge whos better looking, him or me? Will you be that judge? GAY MAN Sure. RICO (to Juan) And will you agree with whatever decision this Gay Man, Setfon, makes? Good or bad, for once and for all? JUAN Yes. Ill agree. You? RICO Agreed. They shake hands. RICO (CONTD) Good. Please sir, make your decision. The Gay Man relaxes. He leans in the window. Juan and Rico pose. GAY MAN Hummmmmmm. Let me seeeee. Rico, very nice profile, very nice. Juan Gorgeous jaw line. Gorgeous. (thinks) This is very difficult. Im gonna need just a little, teeny, tiny, bit more. Lets seeee. Hummmm (pause) Rico, Juan, would you gentlemen please remove your jackets, ties, and unbutton your shirts, please? (MORE)

54. GAY MAN (CONT'D) Im gonna need to see just a smidgen of chests.

They dont hesitate! They Rip off their jackets, ties, and unbutton their shirts. And pose. GAY MAN (CONTD) Ooooh yes. Very, very, very, nice. The Man is getting turned ON! He slowly rubs his crotch against the car. Rico and Juan Pose/Vogue like crazy. GAY MAN (CONTD) This is such a HARD decision Rico. Its making my HEAD swell Juan. He grinds against the car. GAY MAN (CONTD) Gentlemen I am sooo close, sooo close to cumming (catches himself) I mean making a decision. Is it too much to ask for the shirts to be taken off completely? They tear their shirts OFF! And FLEX their muscles! GAY MAN (CONTD) Wonderful. Wonderful. (humps the car faster) Now what about the belts, and maybe unhooking the trousers? I am sooo close... Juan and Rico obey. GAY MAN (CONTD) Oh ye, Daddy LIKE! DADDY LIKE! (he closes his eyes humps like crazy) Now SPANK ME! SPANK MY DIRTY ASS! Juan and Rico finally catch on! They draw their guns! And point them at the Man. GAY MAN (CONTD) (close to climax) YES! YES! Juan! Rico! JUAN/RICO Hey! Enough Puto. The Mans eyes open. He sees the guns. Stops humping.

55.

GAY MAN Ive been a baaaad Judge. RICO Give us the keys to your car. SMASH CUT: Juan and Rico peel out in the Mans car! He yells to them... GAY MAN My name and numbers on the registration! CALL ME!! A large EARTH QUAKE HITS!!! CUT TO: INT. DRO AND BONGS APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER POT SMOKE FILLS THE ROOM. C/U on TV - The News. Images of Earth Quakes, Volcanoes, Tsunamis, Hurricanes, Tornadoes. Devastation around the globe. REPORTER Scientist around the world confirmed that the Earths Field is failing. How much we have left is uncertain. us all. have Magnetic time do God help

As the camera pulls back we see Bong, Mr. Patel, and Red(in a Baby Pool propped-up against the couch) getting HIGH. Red puffs on a huge DOOBIE. Bong and Patel share a BONG. RED SPEAKS TELEPATHICALLY. RED I am soooo fucked up right now. BONG Word. MR.PATEL (takes a hit) This is some sick weed bro. Givin me serious Chinese eyes. He makes an Asian face.

56.

MR.PATEL (CONTD) Ahhhhh sooooo bitches. Kung POW mother fuckers! They laugh. RED Speakin of Chinese eyes, remember that song from the eighties, Turning Japanese? BONG Youre fuckin old bro. MR.PATEL Sure I remember. (sings) Im Turning Jap... Red chimes in. MR.PATEL/RED Japanese, oh yes Im turning Japanese, I really think so. Da, da, da, dat, dat, da, (pause) No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women, no fun, no sin, no you wonder its dark! Everyone around me is a total stranger, everyone avoids me like a cyclone ranger, Everyone (pause) THATS WHY IM TURNING JAPANESE, OH YES IM TURNING JAPANESE, I REALLY THINK SO... Red continues singing. Mr Patel stops. MR.PATEL Great fuckin song! RED Hella yeah. MR.PATEL You know that song is about jerking off in prison dont ya? BONG That is sooo wrong.

57.

RED No way! Get the fuck out of here. It is not. MR.PATEL Red, just think about the lyrics for a second. Go ahead. Think. Silence. Red mumbles/sings the words to himself. RED Oh my fuckin GOD! Youre right Mahatma. (repeats lyrics) I got you picture, I go your picture, I got a million of them all round my CELL! A PRISON CELL! Mother FUCKER! MR.PATEL Told ya. RED You learn something new every day huh? BONG Wow Red when it comes to Dolphin brains youre no FLIPPER bro. RED And youre no Frederick Douglass midnight. BONG Who? Patel laughs. MR.PATEL Frederick Douglass, hysterical. RED Right? Up-Top Gandhi! Red and Patel High-Five! MR.PATEL (laughs) Frederick Douglass. BONG Who?

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MR.PATEL Red I know the worlds gonna end soon, and since Im totally wasted I really dont give a shit. BONG Me neither. Fuck the WORLD! They all cheer, FUCK THE WORLD!. RED Yeah so? What are you getting at Slumdog Millionaire? BTW, spoiler alert, Danny Boyle loves the taste of Dolphin Cock. MR.PATEL No waaaaaay. RED My Fin to God! BONG Who? MR.PATEL Red, I dont understand. How can you let the world be destroyed? Dont you care about little kids and babies, human and aquatic? I though dolphins loved kids? RED WRONG! I HATE fuckin KIDS! Gandhi there are three things I totally hate about this world. Number 3, Crying babies. I hate them a lot. Their whiney tone is like shoving needles in my fuckin eyes. Number 2, Little BRATS who pound on my Glass. They pound, pound, pound! I fuckin hate it. I wanna rip their hearts out like an ancient fuckin Aztec. And number 1, the most hated of all, those little fuckin Brats FAT, OBESE, SLOPPY ASS, MOTHERS who encourage them to pound on my glass. I hate em, I hate em, I fuckin hate em! BONG Sounds like you need to get somethin off your chest Big Red?

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MR.PATEL Lay it on us angry Mammal. RED Angry Mammal, I like that. Give me a blast Fat Man. Bong hold the Bong for Red. He takes a long pull on the Bong. He hacks and coughs! Smoke comes out of his blow hole. RED (CONTD) Niiiiiiiiiice. That is some prime sticky icky Snoop Lion. (pause) So dig this. It was a year ago at SeaWorld. Around July tenth or eleventh, I cant remember exactly... FLASHBACK We see SeaWorld. Its packed, inside and out. RED (O.S.) (CONTD) SeaWorld, or The Fish Prison as we inmates call it, was packed that day. All the Prisoners had to be on their best behavior or pay the Price when the Prison closed. The Killer Whales and Dolphins do their tricks. MR.PATEL (O.S.) Fish Prison? Are you sayin those people treated you bad Red? RED (O.S.) Its a fuckin PRISON Patel! What do you think? BONG (O.S.) Bro, he showed me and Dro what they did to him. Horrible dawg. Just horrible. MR.PATEL (O.S.) Sorry. My bad Red. Please continue. RED (O.S.) (angry) Hey Im tellin a story over here. Now shut up and listen.

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We are now in a crowded VIEWING ROOM below the DOLPHIN TANKS! People take pictures of the Dolphins thru the glass. We see Red swim up to the glass. He watches the people. RED (O.S.) (CONTD) The Viewing Room beneath the Dolphin tanks were packed. The dregs of Americans middle and lower class along with their demon spawn were all in attendance. They literally made me ill. Literally. We see disgusting People and their kids. Red Throws-Up a little. RED (O.S.) (CONTD) And there they were. Big Momma Fat Ass and her Fat fuckin Brat. We see a FAT WOMAN(30) and her son FAT BRAT(8). She and her son wear outfits two sizes too small. Theyre eating, drinking, loud, and obnoxious. FAT WOMAN Sugar pie! Go over to the window so Momma can take her babys picture with that big ol stupid fish. Go on now! Fat Brat runs to the window. And POUNDS ON IT! FAT BRAT Hey fish!? Look at me! Hey!? Look at me! Red is seething. She snaps pictures. FAT WOMAN Im gettin some real nice pictures Sugar. Now Pound harder on the glass baby! Make the fish do a trick. FAT BRAT Yes mama. We are now inside the Tank with Red. We hear the muted sounds of the Pounding. POUND! POUND! POUND! And the muted sounds of the Kid and his Mother. REDS POV - The Kid POUNDS AWAY! The Mother encourages, snaps photos, eats and drinks her snacks like a Pig.

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RED (O.S.) Right at that moment, I didnt want to live any longer. I truly wanted to die. I had been imprisoned in SeaWorld for a whole year being forced to do demeaning tricks by and for disgusting humans. I wanted it all to end. Id heard about other dolphins who had committed suicide by jumping out of their tanks late at night and just dying on the cold hard concrete. And I was ready. I prayed for the sweet relief that only death could bring me. (quotes Shakespeare) For in that Sleep of Death what Dreams may Come. (pause) BUT than IT happened... We are now outside in the Dolphin Arena. The throng of spectators applaud Red and the other Dolphins acrobatic performance. RED (O.S.) (CONTD) A Miracle. Thats what it was a true hallelujah, praise Jesus, Song of Bernadette Miracle. And it was all, just for me. A SeaWorld TRAINER, with a microphone talks to the crowd. TRAINER Okay who wants to feed BIG RED!? The spectators ALL raise their hands and yell ME! ME! TRAINER (CONTD) (points) How about you two!? Come on up here! He points straight to Fat Woman and Fat Brat. Excited they run to the Trainer. REDS POV - The Trainer hands Fat Woman and Brat one big Fish. They hold it over the tank together. TRAINER (CONTD) (into microphone) Okay everybody chant BIG RED! BIG RED! BIG RED!

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The Crowd chants along. BIG RED! BIG RED! BIG RED! C/U on RED - He is at Total PEACE. The Picture FREEZES! RED (O.S.) At that very moment I had reached what the Buddhist call Nirvana. A transcendent state in which there is neither suffering, desire, nor sense of self. I was finally at peace with the entire Universe and more importantly, at Peace with Myself. The Picture UNFREEZES! TRAINER Come and get it BIG RED! RED RACES TOWARD THE TWO FAT BASTARDS! HE LEAPS FROM THE WATER! GRABS BOTH THEIR HANDS! AND YANKS THEM INTO THE WATER! SMASH CUT: RED REPEATEDLY SMASHES THEIR FAT FACES AGAINST THE VIEWING ROOM WINDOW! Thru the Mother and Sons horrified screams, we hear Reds thoughts. RED How do you like it Huh!? Gives you a head ache doesnt it!? HUH!? DOESNT IT!? Well now you know how I feel EVERY FUCKING DAY! PEOPLE on the other side of the window POSE and SNAP PHOTOS! BACK TO: RED, BONG, MR. PATEL... RED In hindsight I shouldnt have done it. The Trainer and other SeaWorld sadist starved me for two weeks. I almost died. It was rough. (pause) But I gotta tell you guys. (MORE)

63. RED (CONT'D) The look on Fat Momma and Fat Brats faces when I YANKED them into that tank. Priceless.

Bong and Patel laugh hysterically! So does Red. BONG Red, you are the BOMB! MR.PATEL I would have loved to see that Red! Theyre all laughing Hard! RED The greatest day of my miserable fuckin life! From the door we hear... VALERIE (O.S.) RED!? Its Valerie and Dro. RED BABY! She runs to him. They Make-Out HARD! Its uncomfortable. Red finally comes up for air... RED (CONTD) Hey! I got a GREAT Idea! Lets go to a STRIP CLUB! All the guys yell HELL YEAH! CUT TO: INT. LAUNDROMAT - MOMENTS LATER Wearing a Large, Black, Plastic, Bag, Captain Ahab waits for his clothes to dry. He uses a Sharpening Stone to sharpen the Tip of his Harpoon. CAPT.AHAB (to Harpoon) Dont fret my beauty (kisses it) well find that Dolphin. (MORE)

64. CAPT.AHAB (CONT'D) And when we do, together well revel in his blood curdling screams as I repeatedly thrust, thrust, thrust, your gorgeous steel tip into his evil fish flesh. Ayeeeer.

His STOMACH GURGLES! CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) (panic) Oh no! Runs to the bathroom! The DOOR IS LOCKED! AHABS POV - 25 Cents to ENTER! His stomach rumbles! In a PANIC, He YANKS on the DOOR KNOB! CAPT.AHAB (CONTD) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CUT TO: EXT. LAUNDROMAT - CONTINUOUS RAINBOW walks by. Hears Ahabs scream! Glances inside the Laundromat window. RAINBOW (disgusted) Gross. She keeps on walking. CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS We follow Rainbow. Her cell rings. Its El Hefe. RAINBOW (into phone) Hello Uncle. (listens) Yes. I know right where to find them. RAINBOWS POV - Across the street she sees The GENTLEMANS STRIP CLUB of SAN DIEGO. A banner above the sign reads END of the WORLD PARTY - FREE ADMISSION.

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30 BIKER GANG Motorcycles are parked out front. The Club is packed. And ROCKIN! As Rainbow enters. The LONG JOHN SILVERS Truck pulls up. And parks. INT. LONG JOHN SILVERS - TRUCK CAPTAIN JONES Okay Aquanauts! This is it. Lets get the Dolphin and SAVE THE WORLD! They stand. AQUANAUTS Yes SIR! CAPTAIN JONES Remember use your protective helmets. Reds Sonar Waves can be deadly. AQUANAUTS Yes SIR! CAPTAIN JONES And one last thing. Kill anyone who gets in your way. Ready AQUANAUTS!? AQUANAUTS Ready SIR! CUT TO: INT. STRIP CLUB - CONTINUOUS The place is BUMPIN! LOUD MUSIC, HOT NAKED STRIPPERS! C/U on RED - He wears a HAT, BEARD, LARGE GLASSES, and HUGE RAINCOAT! Two STRIPPERS are giving him a Lap Dance! Dro, Bong, Mr. Patel, and Valerie are getting lap dances and smoking DOPE! Dro looks across the club and sees Rainbow. DRO (in love) Woah.

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She senses something. And turns to Dro. Their eyes meet. Theres a CONNECTION. She smiles. Dro smiles back. As they peer into each others eyes. The Club falls SILENT. We only hear the sounds of their two HEART BEATS. Dro stands. Beautiful Violin music plays. IN SLOW MOTION He walks across the crowded room. Never taking his eyes off Rainbow. She does the same. They stand face to Breasts. She leans down. RAINBOW Do you believe in Fate? DRO Yes. They kiss passionately. SLOW MOTION ENDS IN THE B/G - We see JUAN and RICO at the bar. Rico notices Rainbow. Over the Loud Music... RICO (to Juan) Is that Rainbow kissing that midget? JUAN Bro, midget is a derogatory word. The correct nomenclature is Little Person not midget. Rico takes out his gun. RICO I dont give a fuck. Is that Rainbow or not!? JUAN (looks) It sure is. He takes out his gun. SHARK (O.S.) THERES THE DOLPHIN!

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RED (sees Shark and others) HOLY FUCK ITS THE AQUANAUTS! THE CLUB ERUPTS IN A HUGE FIGHT!

(MORE)

68. (CONT'D)