Its Coffee - Its a Jazzy Benefit for Lupus By Michael Levinson Emi Schaufeld Kevin Newman Russell Katz

SCENE 1 INT. ITS COFFEE A homeless man is sleeping at one of the tables. KEVIN bearded, in his 20s, one of the owners of Its Coffee, is standing behind the counter wearing an Its Coffee uniform. A CUSTOMER is in front of the counter talking with him. CUSTOMER So, why is this place called Its Coffee? KEVIN Maam I dont have to serve you if I dont want to, so dont make this weird for me. CUSTOMER Im sorry? KEVIN lets out an audible sigh and then points to a sign saying "I dont have to serve you if I dont want to". GORDON (O.C.) Who put this sign here? MAIN TITLE SCENE 2 INT. GORDONS APARTMENT - DAY KEVIN and GORDON on his couch playing Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo on Super Nintendo Entertainment System. Gordon plays as Ryu and losing to KEVIN as Dhalsim. The sounds of Dhalsim saying "Yoga" repeatedly is all that is heard in the background. GORDON So Ive been watching a lot of those child movies lately. KEVIN What? GORDON Like, you know, those baby ones, the ones that teach you counting and shit. Ive been stumbling upon a lot of those. (CONTINUED)

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KEVIN Stumbling? GORDON Yeah like you know, finding them everywhere: dumpsters... well mostly dumpsters. And Ive been poppin them in my VCR and giving them a whirl. KEVIN What? Why? GORDON And Ive realized these kids movies have taught me something. Theyve really made me think. KEVIN What? WHAT? Tell me! GORDON A child made them. KEVIN Oh. GORDON I mean, why else would the camera angles be so low? It had to have been filmed by a child, and naturally directed and produced by said child. KEVIN Oh my god. GORDON I know. KEVIN Okay, so if what you say is true, where are these kids even getting the money to make these movies? GORDON Parents. KEVIN So, if Im hearing you correctly. You believe, that children, who cant count and shit, write, direct, and produce films to teach (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: KEVIN (contd) other children how to count and shit. GORDON Exactly. KEVIN Oh my god... GORDON I know! KEVIN You are a retarded man. GORDON Hey man, Im being earnest and sincere with you about my beliefs of how child movies are made, and the first thing you do is heartlessly point the retarded finger at me? KEVIN Im sorry, its just that you never even considered the possibility that a grown man or woman could just hold the camera at a low angle. GORDON Oh no, I considered that, I did... but its probably kids. KEVIN You know Gordon, I actually admire you a bit. GORDON Why? KEVIN Because, despite every single logical fiber of your being contradicting your faith, you continue to believe, simply because, and thats kinda cool... GORDON God Dammit! This game is horseshit! I hate playing Street Fighter with you!

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CONTINUED: KEVIN Why? Cuz you suck? GORDON No, because you always pick Dhalsim and he has those woobly wangly arms that go across the whole screen, and I cant do anything!

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ON THE SCREEN, Dhalsim keeps punching Ryu from the other side of the screen, then just as its getting good, the screen abruptly cuts to black. Cut to GORDON who has turned off the Super Nintendo Entertainment System. KEVIN Gordon, what the hell! GORDON This way, I dont lose, but more importantly, you dont win. ROCCO, 30s, white or maybe some kind of hispanic, or any race really (but not black, wearing a button down with the name "ROCCO" emblazoned on its chest. He barges into Gordons apartment. Gordon and Kevin turn to him, and Rocco looks at them. GORDON Rocco, what are you doing here? ROCCO Gordon? What are you doin here? GORDON I live here. ROCCO Oh shit, you share a crib with Loosie. Yo man I love Loosie, but hes a crazy MoFo, didnt invite him to mah weddin, didnt know what crazy shit hed do. Was at my bachelor party though. KEVIN Charming anecdote Rocco, so whatre you doin here? ROCCO I was just in the neighborhood, yah know, feelin a lil stressed out, thought Id pick up a loosie, know what Im sayin?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: GORDON I didnt know you smoked, besides, Loosies out now. (GORDON points to a post-it on the refrigerator saying "Im out, theres lemon pie in the fridge - Loosie")

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ROCCO suddenly has a cigarette in his mouth and is reading the note. ROCCO No hes not. GORDON But- oh, whatever. KEVIN Whats stressin you out dude? ROCCO (turns to the dynamic duo) A close friend of mine was recently diagnosed with Lupus. GORDON Oh man, oh Rocco, Im so sorry. Thats, uh, man, that sucks. I mean, Id smoke all the cigarettes if I were you. KEVIN Yeah thats rough man, maybe we should do something for him. ROCCO He cant really afford treatment or nothin. Wish there was something we could all do for him, yknow? GORDON Just one second Rocco, I need to speak to Kevin. Gordon and Kevin walk to the other side of the room, discuss, then return to Rocco. GORDON All right well do it. ROCCO Aw yeah son! Whatchyall wanna do? KEVIN and GORDON look at each other and nod.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: GORDON & KEVIN Benefit. SCENE 3 Int - ITS COFFEE

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The homeless guy is still sleeping at one of the tables. GORDON is standing with a Harmonica on a Harmonica neck holder, and playing it poorly. KEVIN is holding a clarinet. ROCCO is sitting behind a drum set. GORDON finishes his harmonica solo. GORDON Drum solo! ROCCO proceeds to bang on the drums incessantly with no logic whatsoever. BECCA, an attractive employee in her mid twenties walks in right as his solo ends and sighs. BECCA What stupid shit are you guys doing today? GORDON Were starting a band to keep Roccos friend from dying, and youre in it. BECCA What am I? Your leading lady? The rest of the guys just stare at her blankly. KEVIN What? GORDON Becca, apologize or youre fired. BECCA Okay Im fired. GORDON I accept your apology. GORDON walks over to a sheet covering an object. GORDON Becca, you will be playing... ROCCO drum rolls.

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GORDON Fiddle. Everyone except BECCA performs a brief applause. BECCA Wait, what kind of band is this? KEVIN Jazz! BECCA What? GORDON Jazz Fiddle. BECCA Thats not even, I dont... thats not even a thing. Cant I just sing or something? GORDON No, Im the singer. Dont you see this neck thing? BECCA Thats for a harmonica. GORDON (Suddenly there is a harmonica in the neck holder) Yeah, Im lead harmonica too. BECCA You know people use that because they need their hands to play guitar, right? GORDON (Cuts to GORDON who suddenly has a guitar) Really? BECCA Do you even know how to play that? GORDON Becca, this isnt about who can play what, its about saving lupus... and getting girls, right Kevin? Kevin?

(CONTINUED)

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Cut to KEVIN who is holding a framed picture of Benny Goodman, looking into it longingly. KEVIN Im finally here Benny. (Quietly, as he runs his hand down Benny Goodmans face) Im finally here... SCENE 4 INT. ITS COFFEE - DAY Ethereal dream sequence. KEVIN is with BENNY GOODMAN in Its Coffee alone playing clarinet with him, and they are both fantastic. The scene fades to GORDONs apartment. SCENE 5 INT. GORDONS APARTMENT - NIGHT KEVIN is playing clarinet poorly in GORDONs room. We see that Gordon is trying to sleep. GORDON Kevin, I think rehearsal is done. Could you please go home? Kevin stops playing, storms off. Excessively loud footsteps. Door Slams. Beat. Door opens. More footsteps. KEVIN I forgot my mouth piece guard. KEVIN once again exits. More incessant footsteps, then the door slams again. SCENE 6 Titlecard DAWN OF

THE FIRST DAY -72 Hours RemainINT. ITS COFFEE - DAY

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The gang is gathered in the Coffee Shop, the homeless man is in attendance as well, but hes still asleep at his usual table. KEVIN is playing Clarinet. BECCA is drinking from a flask next to her fiddle. ROCCO is sitting behind the drums eating a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese with no pickles and onions, but they put on pickles and onions anyway, so he is taking them off. GORDON enters. GORDON Alright guys, I called this meeting to... Kevin stop playing clarinet. Becca whats in the flask? BECCA Apple juice. GORDON Good. Guys as you know, my benefit is, Im sorry, our benefit is in 3 days. That gives us 69 hoursKEVIN 72. GORDON Aw darn it, I must have been thinking about mutual oral sex again! A mysterious laugh track is heard. Everyone pauses and waits for it to end, like in a bad sitcom. GORDON What was that? ROCCO holds an old, beat up flip phone. ROCCO Aw, sorry bout that son, thats my new ringtone. My boy set it, hes tryin to be funny. GORDON What year is that phone from?

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ROCCO Dunno. Dis dah iphone 7, aint even out yet. Another laugh track is heard. ROCCO takes out another beat up flip phone. ROCCO Sorry, This mah blackberry, This is where I put all my honeys numbahs. Every bitch in heres got a fat ass, know what Im sayin?... Dont tell my wife bout this doh. KEVIN Dont worry Rocco, the next time I hang out with your wife I wont bring it up. ROCCO Thanks homes. GORDON Anyway, the meeting, we have 72 hour until the benefit. Kevin, I need you to find a venue. KEVIN Kay. GORDON Becca, I need you to find a venue. BECCA sighs. BECCA But GORDON And not suck at jazz fiddle. BECCA But you suck at GORDON Rocco, spread the word, we need as many people as possible. Dont bring your lupus friend. I dont want him to touch the healthy people.

(CONTINUED)

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ROCCO Aight. KEVIN (To GORDON) What are you gonna do? GORDON ... Research. SCENE 7 INT. HOSPITAL - DAY GORDON enters the Hospital and runs up to the desk out of breath, he takes a second to catch it. GORDON Um, excuse maam. Wheres the lupus section? NURSE What? GORDON Dont worry, Ill find it. GORDON runs through the hospital. SCENE 8 EXT. BLUE NOTE - DAY KEVIN walks into the Blue Note. SCENE 9 INT. BLUE NOTE - DAY KEVIN walks up to the maitre d, with his clarinet in tow. KEVIN Listen, I have something very important to tell you. I know you guys arent doing anything important two nights from now. I am a composer, and the leader of a small big band, and we have arranged a benefit to be performed here, after which we will have (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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KEVIN (contd) raised enough funds to cure all lupus. Consider yourself lucky that I chose this location to grace you and your patrons with my small big bands music. When tonights show is over, our rehearsals shall begin. You can stay and listen if you want, I wont mind. SCENE 10 EXT. BLUE NOTE - DAY KEVIN is being forced out by a bouncer, followed by a second bouncer forcing out his clarinet. SCENE 11 EXT. VENUE - DAY ESTABLISHING SHOT SCENE 12 INT. VENUE - DAY BECCA is talking to SOME GUY. SOME GUY You know what to do. BECCA sighs audibly. SCENE 13 INT. VENUE BACKROOM - DAY SOME GUY sweaty. SOME GUY Yeah, you like that? BECCA also sweaty, cream on her face. BECCA Yeah, I do actually. I didnt think itd be this sweet though.

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SOME GUY Did I put too much sugar in it? It is revealed Becca is eating a creamy pastry. BECCA Maybe a little. Anyway, now that Ive tried your creamy pastry, are we on for this Friday? SOME GUY Yes. SCENE 13 Titlecard DAWN OF

THE SECOND DAY -48 Hours RemainInt - Its Coffee The homeless man is still asleep in his normal place. The gang is all gathered plus one random guy wearing a hospital gown sitting next to BECCA, GORDON has his back to everyone holding a cup of coffee. He turns around dramatically, and takes a dramatic sip. GORDON Alright boys, 48 hours left. How are things coming along? We see the gang again, but the random guy wearing the hospital gown is gone. BECCA I booked us for a venue, and I didnt even have to degrade myself or anything. BECCA takes a sip from her flask. GORDON A little early for Apple Juice, isnt it? BECCA Nope.

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ROCCO Son, Ima tell you right now, all the boys are comin to this shit. There gonna be 40s? I told them there was gonna be 40s. GORDON Anything to save lupus. GORDON begins to give a motivational speech while also chastising BECCA. It is heard only very softly in the background as we see KEVIN up close. He slowly turns and makes eye contact with RANDOM GUY, who is now behind a table which has two stacks of coffee filters on it, one of which is half the size of the other. He is staring intensely at KEVIN. He doesnt look away as he continues to take a single coffee filter from the larger stack and place it on the smaller one. He puts the next coffee filter to his face and inhales deeply, and then continues stacking while still staring intensely at KEVIN. KEVIN slowly turns back to GORDON in front of the group. GORDON And thats why my poops are nice and thick now... lentil soup. KEVIN Gordon... why is he stacking at me? GORDON (He gestures for KEVIN to be quiet) He has lupus, dont be insensitive. KEVIN Oh... I didnt know. It all makes sense now... right? GORDON So, Im sure you all noticed, we have a very special friend with us today. Everybody, this is Jimmy. JIMMY is now sitting in his chair next to BECCA again, and KEVIN, confused, looks back at the table and sees that the coffee filters are now gone. GORDON Jimmy has told me that he has lupus.

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BECCA (Incredulously) He has lupus? GORDON Yes, Becca he has lupus. Tell her all about it Jimmy. JIMMY Yeah, yeah... I got it allll. BECCA Gordon, can I talk to you, privately? GORDON Okay, just this once. BECCA takes GORDON aside. ROCCO looks over to JIMMY. ROCCO Damn son, dats rough. Mah boys got lupus too, he dont got all of it like you do doh. JIMMY I need to scratch my eyeballs... but I dont have any hands... ROCCO Damn son, dats a bitch. BECCA is talking to GORDON with her flask in hand. BECCA There is no way that guy has lupus. GORDON Becca, that is so insensitive. This poor man, has been through so many hardships. He goes from hospital to hospital, for what? Tell me! WHAT!? BECCA I... I dont know. GORDON Exactly Becca, you dont know! Becca sighs, and takes a sip from her flask. Kevin gets up and walks over to Gordon, shoves Becca aside.

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KEVIN Gordon, I really dont like that guy. He freaks me out. I dont know if I even want to save lupus anymore, maybe they should all die. GORDON Kevin! Get yourself together! This is why were here. Thats why we made the band, to help people like him... and get girls. JIMMY is suddenly next to KEVIN and GORDON. JIMMY Excuse me, could you tell me where the bathroom is? GORDON What? JIMMY Excuse me, could you tell me where the bathroom is? Beat. GORDON Leave. Get out. Get out of my coffee shop right now! GORDON starts pushing him out. GORDON (CONTD) Out! GET OUT! GORDON forces JIMMY out of the coffee shop. GORDON (CONTD) God, that was so annoying. Lupus or not, I will not tolerate that kind of behavior in my coffee shop. BECCA I dont think that guy had lupus. GORDON But he told me he did! BECCA No, he said he had all the lupus; because hes crazy.

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GORDON But I found him at the lupus ward. BECCA You know, from all my years studying psychology at Columbia, I never got the opportunity to visit the lupus ward. Please Gordon, tell me, whats it like? GORDON Well it kinda smelled like soiled undies, and some hospital people were holding down a screaming guy. Jimmy came over to me and asked me if my mother was a nice person. And the rest is history. BECCA Um, Gordon, can you tell me what lupus is? GORDON Well I know that the scientific name, that is: the genus name and the species name for wolf is canis lupus. Therefore I concluded people afflicted byBECCA Are you saying, werewolves? GORDON Well yeah, I was gonna say that, but now you said it. BECCA Gordon, I want you to repeat out loud what you just said to Kevin and Rocco about what lupus is. Gordon goes to Kevin and Rocco. GORDON Werewolves. ROCCO Who is werewolves? GORDON No, Rocco, people who have lupus are... Aw shit.

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SCENE 13 INT. BAR - NIGHT We see GORDON talking to someone off-screen. GORDON So thats why you should come to see our jazz band, you know, to help save lupus. And if thats not enough, you get to see me, Bob Dylan. It is revealed that he is talking to BECCA to try and practice getting girls to come to the show. BECCA has an unspecified mixed drink in her hand, and it is clear shes drunk. BECCA First of all, youre not Bob Dylan. It cuts back to GORDON who now suddenly is wearing his Harmonica neck holder. GORDON ButBECCA Shut up. Are you trying to get girls to come to the benefit or come to your pants. Because not either of those things is gonna happen. (beat) Biiiiiiitch. GORDON I bet I could get more girls than you! BECCA Probably. GORDON Youre supposed to be mad. Beat. GORDON and BECCA are looking at each other silently. Then GORDON leaves abruptly. BECCA finishes her drink. A group of girls are talking, GORDON approaches in the distance. GORDON Hello ladies. Im in a band.

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GIRL 1 No way! GORDON Yeah, and were performing a benefit for my friend who is dying of lupus tomorrow. GIRL 1 Hes dying tomorrow. GORDON (beat) Yes. GIRL 1 Well, Im not sure if we can make it, right girls? GIRLS 2 & 3 nod. GORDON Im Bob Dylan. SCENE 14 Titlecard DAWN OF

THE FINAL DAY -24 Hours RemainInt - Arlenes Grocery The gang is back stage. KEVIN is fingering furiously in front of his framed Benny Goodman picture, while BECCA is still struggling with her jazz fiddle. GORDON is cleaning his harmonica, he is wearing his Harmonica neck holder, and has a guitar with a guitar strap around him. ROCCO has a 40 next to him and is eating a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese with no pickles and onions, but they forgot to take them off again. ROCCO (ROCCO is picking the Onions and Pickles off his Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese into a napkin. It smells like ketchup, but the audience doesnt know) Damn, dis is a different McDonalds, and they still messed dis shit up. (CONTINUED)

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KEVIN Rocco, your boys comin? ROCCO Yeah, yeah, you know how they do. KEVIN Oh, youre absolutely right, I dont why I even bothered asking. GORDON I got some girls to come, I think... I hope. BECCA Do you guys think were ready, cause I dont think were ready. (Beat) Am I still playing jazz fiddle? GORDON, KEVIN, and ROCCO all look at each other and silently nod, as GORDON hands BECCA a jazz fiddle he mysteriously procured. BECCA I dont know how to play this. GORDON What? Havent you been practicing? BECCA I dont own one of these. GORDON Oh. Then how are we supposed to be good? BECCA Have you been practicing? GORDON I dont need to. (gestures to the harmonica holder) This thing holds the harmonica for me. BECCA But have you practiced actually playing? GORDON Oh, well this thing was just for show.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: BECCA I mean have you practiced actually playing the harmonica? GORDON Yeah, thats gonna be a problem. BECCA Is Kevin the only one who has been practicing? KEVIN Wait, seriously? Guys, what about our small big band, or Roccos friend, or saving lupus? (Sighs) I was a fool to think I could be like Benny Goodman. I might as well hang myself with this clarinet neck strap right now. GORDON Wait, dont do that yet! We still gotta go out there. There are people out there, and girls. Probably at least one girl, and she definitely wants to bonezone me. KEVIN (Has his clarinet strap already tied in a noose around his neck) ButGORDON (Holding KEVINs framed Benny Goodman photo) You know better than anyone, Benny hates yellowbellies, what would he do if he saw your yellow belly, Kevin? KEVIN Kill me? GORDON Thats right. Hed stab you in the neck with a pair of lefty scissors. But I need you, and the band needs you, so we can get money in that jar, so we can save Roccos friend, so we can save lupus, and most importantly, so we can get my dick wet.

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ROCCO I dont know son, I aint tryin to get your dick wet. GORDON (Actor can ad lib) No Rocco, not you literally getting wet on my dick. Uh, but, like you, all, I mean the band, you know, collectively, playing well with me, and, well theres that girl, um, shes in the audience, and when I play like pretty good, and you guys also are good. Shell be, I mean hopefully, theres no guarantee, uh, swoond, uhm, wait, uh, woond, no thats, oh, wood by my talents and my natural sexual energy. So I guess, you know, in an indirect kinda way you guys are gonna sprinkle some, uh, wet on my dick? But dont stay up all night worrying about it. SCENE 15 Int - Venue The gang is all set up on stage, there is a jar placed on a stool at the foot of the stage that has a piece of paper taped to it saying, "How do you feel about Lupus?", it has seven dollars and change. In the audience, all of Roccos "Boys" have 40s and are wearing sweats. The three girls from the bar are there as well. GORDON walks up to the microphone. GORDON Hi everyone, Im glad youre all here, and I hope you have all put money in our jar, or are planning to before the night is over. I am Gordon, this is Kevin, Over there on jazz fiddle is Becca, and Rocco on drums. ROCCOS BOYS Yeah boyee! GORDON Thank you, thank you. Um, together, we are the Jazzberries.

(CONTINUED)

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KEVIN What? No were not, thats retarded. GORDON Then you shouldve said something earlier, when we all agreed on the name. KEVIN What? That never happened. GORDON Yeah, it was just now. ROCCO LES DO IT! (Hitting his sticks with each number) 1! 2! 3! 4! The gang erupts in a cacophany of "music", not so pleasing to the ear. GORDON is attempting to sing over the raucous by scatting what he thinks Ella Fitzgerald sounds like and occasionally throwing in some harmonica (He still holds the harmonica despite the fact he has a neck holder), but it isnt coming across well. ROCCO is keeping a good syncopated jazz beat, but no one is playing with him. BECCA at first tries to play the jazz fiddle but gives up rather quickly and walks off stage. The next time we see her, she is having a good time with ROCCOS BOYS as she is chugging a 40 oz. KEVIN is playing clarinet mildly well, but not in sync with anyone else. The entire gang is too involved to notice JIMMY walk into the venue, still wearing only a hospital gown. He walks onto the stage and picks up BECCAs fiddle. He begins to play well enough to win his soul back from the devil. Everyone stops and lets JIMMY enchant the audience. GORDON Jimmy, I had no ideaJIMMY takes a shit on stage while he is still playing fiddle.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: GORDON Alright, thats it, get the fuck out of here, get out!

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JIMMY prances away like a mythical creature, taking the fiddle and lupus jar with him. GORDON Well, its been a magical journey, that all of you, including us, the jazzberries, have gone through. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. But just know, we do Bar Mitzvahs, weddings, uh, bachelorette parties, circumsition parties, baptismsKEVIN (Whispering) - Gordon! Plug the Coffee Shop. GORDON Oh shit, yeah we have a Coffee Shop. Go to Its Coffee, open when, like Starbucks would be open, but subtract 3 hours. Alright. GORDON looks over to the girl from the bar that he was eyeing and sees ROCCO hitting on her. KEVIN Looks like Gordons gonna have to get Gordons dick wet tonight. TAG INT. ITS COFFEE - DAY KEVIN is talking with a CUSTOMER. CUSTOMER Um, I think Ill have a small coffee. KEVIN Regular or decaf? A laugh track is heard. KEVIN (CONTD) Rocco, youre off your game today, that wasnt funny at all.

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ROCCO Dat wasnt me homes. KEVIN But, then... (KEVIN looks at the CUSTOMER accusingly) CUSTOMER Wasnt me either. KEVIN looks confused and shocked, and then looks directly at the camera. Ominous music plays. End of episode.