"A Sunrise on the Veld"

by Doris Lessing

Every night that winter he said aloud into the dark of the pillow: Half-past four Half-past four till his brain had gripped the words and held the! fast" #hen he fell asleep at on$e% as if a shutter had fallen& and lay with his fa$e turned to the $lo$k so that he $ould see it first thing when he woke" 't was half-past four to the !inute% every !orning" #riu!phantly pressing down the alar!-knob of the $lo$k% whi$h the dark half of his !ind had outwitted% re!aining vigilant all night and $ounting the hours as he lay rela(ed in sleep% he huddled down for a last war! !o!ent under the $lothes% playing with the idea of lying abed for this on$e only" )ut he played with it for the fun of knowing that it was a weakness he $ould defeat without effort& *ust as he set the alar! ea$h night for the delight of the !o!ent when he woke and stret$hed his li!bs% feeling the !us$les tighten% and thought: Even !y brain + even that ' $an $ontrol every part of !yself" Lu(ury of war! rested body% with the ar!s and legs and fingers waiting like soldiers for a word of $o!!and ,oy of knowing that the pre$ious hours were given to sleep voluntarily + for he had on$e stayed awake three nights running% to prove that he $ould% and then worked all day% refusing even to ad!it that he was tired& and now sleep see!ed to hi! a servant to be $o!!anded and refused" #he boy stret$hed his fra!e full-length% tou$hing the wall at his head with his hands% and the bedfoot with his toes& then he sprung out% like a fish leaping fro! water" And it was $old% $old" He always dressed rapidly% so as to try and $onserve his night-war!th till the sun rose two hours later& but by the ti!e he had on his $lothes his hands were nu!bed and he $ould s$ar$ely hold his shoes" #hese he $ould not put on for fear of waking his parents% who never $a!e to know how early he rose" As soon as he stepped over the lintel% the flesh of his soles $ontra$ted on the $hilled earth% and his legs began to a$he with $old" 't was night: the stars were glittering% the trees standing bla$k and still" He looked for signs of day% for the greying of the edge of a stone% or a lightening in the sky where the sun would rise% but there was nothing yet" Alert as an ani!al he $rept past the dangerous window% standing poised with his hand on the sill for one proudly fastidious !o!ent% looking in at the stuffy bla$kness of the roo! where his parents lay" -eeling for the grass-edge of the path with his toes% he rea$hed inside another window further along the wall% where his gun had been set in readiness the night before" #he steel was i$y% and nu!bed fingers slipped along it% so that he had to hold it in the $rook of his ar! for safety" #hen he tiptoed to the roo! where the dogs slept% and was fearful that they !ight have been te!pted to go before hi!& but they were waiting% their haun$hes $rou$hed in relu$tan$e at the $old% but ears and swinging tails greeting the gun e$stati$ally" His warning undertone kept the! se$ret and silent till the house was a hundred yards ba$k: then they bolted off into the bush% yelping e($itedly" #he boy i!agined his parents turning in their beds and !uttering: #hose dogs again before they were dragged ba$k in sleep& and he s!iled s$ornfully" He always looked ba$k over his shoulder at the house before he passed a wall of trees that shut it fro! sight" 't looked so low and s!all% $rou$hing there under a tall and brilliant sky" #hen he turned his ba$k on it" He would have to hurry" )efore the light grew strong he !ust be !iles away& and already a tint of green stood in the hollow of a leaf% and the air s!elled of !orning and the stars were di!!ing" He slung the shoes over his shoulder% veld skoen that were $rinkled and hard with the dews of a hundred !ornings" #hey would be ne$essary when the ground

be$a!e too hot to bear" .ow he felt the $hilled dust push up between his toes% and he let the !us$les of his feet spread and settle into the shapes of the earth& and he thought: ' $ould walk a hundred !iles on feel like these ' $ould walk all day% and never tire He was walking swiftly through the dark tunnel of foliage that in day-ti!e was a road" #he dogs were invisibly ranging the lower travelways of the bush% and he heard the! panting" So!eti!es he felt a $old !u//le on his leg before they were off again% s$outing for a trail to follow" #hey were not trained% but free-running $o!panions of the hunt% who often tired of the long stalk before the final shots% and went off on their own pleasure" Soon he $ould see the!% s!all and wild-looking in a wild strange light% now that the bush stood tre!bling on the verge of $olour% waiting for the sun to paint earth and grass afresh" #he grass stood to his shoulders& and the trees were showering a faint silvery rain" He was soaked& his whole body was $len$hed in a steady shiver" 0n$e he bent to the road that was newly s$ored with ani!al trails% and regretfully straightened% re!inding hi!self that the pleasure of tra$king !ust wait till another day" He began to run along the edge of a field% noting *erkily how it was fil!ed over with fresh spiderweb% so that the long rea$hes of great bla$k $lods see!ed netted in glistening grey" He was using the steady lope he had learned by wat$hing the natives% the run that is a dropping of the weight of the body fro! one foot tot the ne(t in a slow balan$ing !ove!ent that never tires% nor shortens the breath& and he felt the blood pulsing down his legs and along his ar!s% and the e(ultation and pride of body !ounted in hi! till he was shutting his teeth hard against a violent desire to shout his triu!ph" Soon he had left the $ultivated part of the far!" )ehind hi! the bush was low and bla$k" 'n front was a long vlei% a$res of long pale grass that sent ba$k a hollowing glea! of light to a satiny sky" .ear hi! thi$k swathes of grass were bent with the weight of water% and dia!ond drops sparkled on ea$h frond" #he first bird woke at his feet and at on$e a flo$k of the! sprang into the air $alling shrilly that day had $o!e& and suddenly% behind hi!% the bush woke into song% and he $ould hear the guinea fowl $alling far ahead of hi!" #hat !eant they would now be sailing down fro! their trees into thi$k grass% and it was for the! he had $o!e: he was too late" )ut he did not !ind" He forgot he had $o!e to shoot" He set his legs wide% and balan$ed fro! foot to foot% and swung his gun up and down in both hands hori/ontally% in a kind of i!provised e(er$ise% and let his head sink ba$k till it was pillowed in his ne$k !us$les and wat$hed how above hi! s!all rosy $louds floated in a lake of gold" Suddenly it all rose in hi!: it was unbearable% and he leapt up into the air% shouting and yelling wild% unre$ognisable noises" #hen he began to run% not $arefully% as he had before% but !adly% like a wild thing" He was $lean $ra/y% yelling !ad with the *oy of living and a superfluity of youth" He rushed down the vlei under a tu!ult of $ri!son and gold% while all the birds of the world sang around hi!" He ran in great% leaping strides% and shouted as he ran% feeling his body rise into the $risp rushing air and fall ba$k surely on to sure feet& and thought briefly% not believing that su$h a thing $ould happen to hi!% that he $ould break his ankle any !o!ent% in this thi$k tangled grass" He $leared bushes like a duiker% leapt over ro$ks& and finally $a!e to a dead stop at a pla$e where the ground fell abruptly away below hi! to the river" 't had been a two-!ilelong dash through waist-high growth% and he was breathing hoarsely and $ould no longer sing" )ut he poised on a ro$k and looked down at stret$hes of water that glea!ed through stooping trees% and thought suddenly% ' a! fifteen -ifteen #he words $a!e new to hi!& so that he kept repeating the! wonderingly% with swelling e($ite!ent& and he felt the years of his life with his hands% as if he were $ounting !arbles% ea$h one

hard and separate and $o!pa$t% ea$h one a wonderful shining thing" #hat was what he was: fifteen years of this ri$h soil% and this slow-!oving water% and air that s!elt like a $hallenge whether it was war! and sultry at noon% or as brisk as $old water% like it was now" #here was nothing he $ouldn1t do% nothing A vision $a!e to hi!% as he stood there% like when a $hild hears the word "eternity" and tries to understand it% and ti!e takes possession of the !ind" He felt his life ahead of hi! as a great and wonderful thing% so!ething that was his& and he said aloud% with the blood rushing to his head: all the great !en of the world have been as ' a! now% and there is nothing ' $an1t be$o!e% nothing ' $an1t do& there is no $ountry in the world ' $annot !ake part of !yself% if ' $hoose" ' $ontain the world" ' $an !ake of it what ' want" 'f ' $hoose% ' $an $hange everything that is going to happen: it depends on !e% and what ' de$ide now" #he urgen$y and the truth and the $ourage of what his voi$e was saying e(ulted hi! so that he began to sing again% at the top of his voi$e% and the sound went e$hoing down the river gorge" He stopped for the e$ho% and sang again: stopped and shouted" #hat was what he was + he sang% if he $hose& and the world had to answer hi!" And for !inutes he stood there% shouting and singing and waiting for the lovely eddying sound of the e$ho& so that his own new strong thoughts $a!e ba$k and washing round his head% as if so!eone were answering hi! and en$ouraging hi!& till the gorge was full of soft voi$es $lashing ba$k and forth fro! ro$k to ro$k over the river" And then it see!ed as if there was a new voi$e" He listened% pu//led% for it was not his own" Soon he was leaning forward% all his nerves alert% 2uite still: so!ewhere $lose to hi! there was a noise that was no *oyful bird% nor tinkle of falling water% nor ponderous !ove!ent of $attle" #here it was again" 'n the deep !orning hush that held his future and his past% was a sound of pain% and repeated over and over: it was a kind of shortened s$rea!% as if so!eone% so!ething% had no breath to s$rea!" He $a!e to hi!self% looked about hi!% and $alled for the dogs" #hey did not appear& they had gone off on their own business% and he was alone" .ow he was $lean sober% all the !adness gone" His heart beating fast% be$ause of that frightened s$rea!ing% he stepped $arefully off the ro$k and went towards a belt of trees" He was !oving $autiously% for not so long ago he had seen a leopard in *ust this spot" At the edge of the trees he stopped and peered% holding his gun ready& he advan$ed% looking steadily about hi!% his eyes narrowed" #hen all at on$e% in the !iddle of a step% he faltered% and his fa$e was pu//led" He shook his head i!patiently% as if he doubted his own sight" #here% between two trees% against a ba$kground of gaunt bla$k ro$ks% was a figure fro! a drea!% a strange beast that was horned and drunken-legged% but like so!ething he had never even i!agined" 't see!ed to be ragged" 't looked like a s!all bu$k that had bla$k ragged tufts of fur standing up irregularly all over it% with pat$hes of raw flesh beneath " " " but the pat$hes of rawness were disappearing under !oving bla$k and $a!e again elsewhere& and all the ti!e the $reature s$rea!ed% in s!all gasping s$rea!s% and leaped drunkenly fro! side to side% as if it were blind" #hen the boy understood: it was a bu$k" He ran $loser% and again stood still% stopped by a new fear" Around hi! the grass was whispering and alive" He looked wildly about% and then down" #he ground was bla$k with ants% great energeti$ ants that took no noti$e of hi!% but hurried and s$urried towards the fighting shape% like glistening bla$k water flowing through the grass" And% as he drew in his breath and pity and terror sei/ed hi!% the beast fell and the s$rea!ing stopped" .ow he $ould hear nothing but one bird singing% and the sound of the rustling% whispering ants"

He peered over at the writhing bla$kness that *erked $onvulsively with the *erking nerves" 't grew 2uieter" #here were s!all twit$hes fro! the !ass that still looked vaguely like the shape of a s!all ani!al" 't $a!e into his !ind that he should shoot it and end its pain& and he raised the gun" #hen he lowered it again" #he bu$k $ould no longer feel& its fighting was a !e$hani$al protest of the nerves" )ut it was not that whi$h !ade hi! put down the gun" 't was a swelling feeling of rage and !isery and protest that e(pressed itself in the thought: if ' had not $o!e it would have died like this: so why should ' interfere3 All over the bush things like this happen& they happen all the ti!e& this is how life goes on% by living things dying in anguish" He gripped the gun between his knees and felt in his own li!bs the !yriad swar!ing pain of the twit$hing ani!al that $ould no longer feel% and set his teeth% and said over and over under his breath: ' $an1t stop it" ' $an1t stop it" #here is nothing ' $an do" He was glad that he did not have to !ake a de$ision to kill it even when he was feeling with his whole body: this is what happens% this is how things work" It was right + that was what he was feeling" It was right and nothing could alter it" #he knowledge of fatality% of what has to be% had gripped hi! and for the first ti!e in his life& and he was left unable to !ake any !ove!ent of brain or body% e($ept to say: "4es% yes" #hat is what living is"" 't had entered his flesh and his bones and grown in to the furthest $orners of his brain and would never leave hi!" And at that !o!ent he $ould not have perfor!ed the s!allest a$tion of !er$y% knowing as he did% having lived on it all his life% the vast% unalterable% $ruel veld% where at any !o!ent one night stu!ble over a skull or $rush the skeleton of so!e s!all $reature" Suffering% si$k% and angry% but also gri!ly satisfied with his new stoi$is!% he stood there leaning on his rifle% and wat$hed the seething bla$k !ound grown s!aller" At his feet% now% were ants tri$kling ba$k with pink frag!ents in their !ouths% and there was a fresh a$id s!ell in his nostrils" He sternly $ontrolled the uselessly $onvulsing !us$les of his e!pty sto!a$h% and re!inded hi!self: the ants !ust eat too At the sa!e ti!e he found that the tears were strea!ing down his fa$e% and his $lothes were soaked with the sweat of that other $reature1s pain" #he shape had grown s!all" .ow it looked like nothing re$ognisable" He did not know how long it was before he saw the bla$kness thin% and bits of white showed through% shining in the sun + yes% there was the sun% *ust up% glowing over the ro$ks" 5hy% the whole thing $ould not have taken longer than a few !inutes" He began to swear% as if the shortness of the ti!e was in itself unbearable% using the words he had heard his father say" He strode forward% $rushing ants with ea$h step% and brushing the! off his $lothes% till he stood above the skeleton% whi$h lay sprawled under a s!all bush" 't was $lean-pi$ked" 't !ight have been lying there years% save that on the white bone were pink frag!ents of gristle" About the bones ants were ebbing away% their pin$ers full of !eat" #he boy looked at the!% big bla$k ugly inse$ts" A few were standing and ga/ing up at hi! with s!all glittering eyes" "6o away " he said to the ants% very $oldly" "' a! not for you + not *ust yet% at any rate" 6o away"" And he fan$ied that the ants turned and went away" He bent over the bones and tou$hed the so$kets in the skull% that was where the eyes were% he thought in$redulously% re!e!bering the li2uid dark eyes of a bu$k" And then he bent the sli! foreleg bone% swinging it hori/ontally in his pal!" #hat !orning% perhaps an hour ago% this s!all $reature had been stepping proudly and free through the bush% feeling the $hill on its hide even as he hi!self had done% e(hilarated by it" 7roudly stepping the earth% tossing its horns% frisking a pretty white tail% it had sniffed the $old !orning air" 5alking like kings and $on2uerors it had

!oved through this fee-held bush% where ea$h blade of grass grew for it alone% and where the river ran pure sparkling water for its slaking" And then + what had happened3 Su$h a swift surefooted thing $ould surely not be trapped by a swar! of ants3 #he boy bent $uriously to the skeleton" #hen he saw that the ba$k leg that lay upper!ost and strained out in the tension of death% was snapped !idway in the thigh% so that broken bones *utted over ea$h other uselessly" So that was it Li!ping into the ant!asses it $ould not es$ape% on$e it had sensed the danger" 4es% but how had the leg been broken3 Had it fallen% perhaps3 '!possible% a bu$k was too light and gra$eful" Had so!e *ealous rival horned it3 5hat $ould possibly have happened3 7erhaps so!e Afri$ans had thrown stones at it% as they do% trying to kill it for !eat% and had broken its leg" 4es% that !ust be it" Even as he i!agined the $rowd of running% shouting natives% and the flying stones% and the leaping bu$k% another pi$ture $a!e into his !ind" He saw hi!self% on any one of these bright ringing !ornings% drunk with e($ite!ent% taking a snap shot at so!e half-seen bu$k" He saw hi!self with the gun lowered% wondering whether he had !issed or not& and thinking at last that it was late% and he wanted his breakfast% and it was not worth while to tra$k !iles after an ani!al that would very likely get away fro! hi! in any $ase" -or a !o!ent he would not fa$e it" He was a s!all boy again% ki$king sulkily at the skeleton% hanging his head% refusing to a$$ept the responsibility" #hen he straightened up% and looked down at the bones with an odd e(pression of dis!ay% all the anger gone out of hi!" His !ind went 2uite e!pty& all around hi! he $ould see tri$kles of ants disappearing into the grass" #he whispering noise was faint and dry% like the rustling of a $ast snakeskin" At last he pi$ked up his gun and walked ho!ewards" He was telling hi!self half defiantly that he wanted his breakfast" He was telling hi!self that it was getting very hot% !u$h too hot to be out roa!ing the bush" 8eally% he was tired" He walked heavily% not looking where he put his feet" 5hen he $a!e without sight of his ho!e he stopped% knitting his brows" #here was so!ething he had to think out" #he death of that s!all ani!al was a thing that $on$erned hi!% and was by no !eans finished with it" 't lay at the ba$k of his !ind un$o!fortably" Soon% the very ne(t !orning% he would get $lear of everybody and go to the bush and think about it"