Pastor Willie George, Fixing Us, Part 2 - Is This the Hill You Want to Die On?

CotM Sermon Notes 2.8.2014 Battle of Gettysburg, 1863; most important battle of Civil War. "I thought my men were invincible." Lee thought God was on his side so he saw himself and his men as invincible. Based on that, he made a huge mistake and sent over 3,000 men to their deaths. It's human to defend ourselves when attacked. We vary our responses based on the situationmost of us dont react the same to a little old lady as we do to a group of motorcycle guys. Some are reluctant to engage in direct confrontation. Some people become so downtrodden that they are hopelessly whipped into a position of submission. The Bible doesn't teach that we are to avoid all conflict. Romans 12.18: If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Our responsibility is to try to live in peace. This is not pacifism. The Bible tells us to be selective in picking our fights. 1 Timothy 6.12 says to fight the good fight of faiththe right kind of fight; it doesn't say to fight everything or never to fight, but to pick your fights carefully. Valid grounds for divorce: Abuse Adultery Abandonment or neglect of provision This message assumes that none of these is taking place in the marriage. In marriage, there can be a dangerous pull toward conflict. An attitude toward conflict can cause people to do irrational things. The magnetic pull of conflict: I have to fight because I'm right. I have to put my foot down because I am right. If this is the attitude taken in your marriage, consider the Lord Jesus and how He livedespecially at the end of His life. Everything that happened to Jesus was wrong, against the law, against the Word of God, against the opinions of the authorities involvedPontius Pilate and even Herod. His accusers' testimony contradicted each other. There were several grounds on which He could have been acquitted in His trial. There was plenty of opportunity for Jesus to be set free and yet He was not. He had the right to say He was right, but He did not use it as the basis for forsaking the cross. Jesus didn't fight because He wanted to win. He could have proved Himself right in the moment and lost our salvation. Some think it's necessary to fight at every turn, but we need to remember that it's possible to win the battle and lose the war. What if Jesus had fought for what was right? There would have been no crucifixion and no salvation. He would have won the battle but lost the war for our souls. Had He fought for what He thought what was right, He would have lost. We can do great damage to a marriage in fighting for what is right in the moment rather than thinking about what is best for the marriage and all the people involved in the long run.

Certainly there are issues that need to be confronted, but be aware and careful of your attitude as you confront. Never let your complaint grow into contempt. It can sink a marriage. You can discuss your differences and the event of the moment without insulting your partner and turning it into a character flaw. 6 things to avoid while confronting issues: Sarcasm Name-calling Eye-rolling Sneering Mockery Hostile humor Learn to turn toward each other, not away from each other, even in a disagreement. Many think the secret of reconnecting is a candlelight dinner or vacation by the sea. The real secret is connecting with our spouse every day during the course of the day. It's the little everyday connections that build bridges, the little things in which we acknowledge each other. The little connect points on a regular basis turn us back toward each other and give us something to fall back on in the tough times. Look for the repairing opportunities in conflict. These differ in every relationship, but would include a moment of humor or bringing up some point you both agree to. Stay connected with the belief that your spouse, as a creation of God, is worthy of honor and respect. By reminding yourself of your spouses positive qualitieseven as you grapple with each others flawsand expressing out loud your fondness and admiration, you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. (John Gottmann) Don't fight just because you think you are right. It's not always worth the consequences. Before you fight, or before you escalate a disagreement, ask yourself: Is this the hill I want to die on? Is this issue really worth horribly damaging your marriage? LIE: "I have to, because I'm right." There are a lot of people in history who died on the wrong hill because they thought they were right. We are not saying to endure the three issues mentioned at the beginning of the message. But its so important to question whether every cause is worthy of fighting over. Put bickering away and fight the fight of faith so these differences don't unravel the holy thing that God has given us.

Pastor referenced an article by John and Julie Gottmann on 7 Principles on the Road to Happily Ever After. Following are the 7 points taken from that article:

The most rewarding findings are the seven principles that prevent a marriage from breaking up, even for those couples we tested in the lab who seemed headed for divorce.

Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each others world. They have a richly detailed love mapthey know the major events in each others history, and they keep updating their information as their spouses world changes. He could tell you how shes feeling about her boss. She knows that he fears being too much like his father and considers himself a free spirit. They know each others goals, worries, and hopes.

Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a long-lasting romance. Without the belief that your spouse is worthy of honor and respect, where is the basis for a rewarding relationship? By reminding yourself of your spouses positive qualitieseven as you grapple with each others flawsand expressing out loud your fondness and admiration, you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating.

In marriage people periodically make bids for their partners attention, affection, humor, or support. People either turn toward one another after these bids or they turn away. Turning toward is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life.

The happiest, most stable marriages are those in which the husband treats his wife with respect and does not resist power sharing and decision making with her. When the couple disagrees, these husbands actively search for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way. Its just as important for wives to treat their husbands with honor and respect. But our data indicate that the vast majority of wiveseven in unstable marriagesalready do that. Too often men do not return the favor.

Start with good manners when tackling your solvable problems:

Step 1. Use a softened startup: Complain but dont criticize or attack your spouse. State your feelings without blame, and express a positive need (what you want, not what you dont want). Make statements that start with I instead of you. Describe what is happening; dont evaluate or judge. Be clear. Be polite. Be appreciative. Dont store things up. Step 2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts: De-escalate the tension and pull out of a downward cycle of negativity by asking for a break, sharing what you are feeling, apologizing, or expressing appreciation. Step 3. Soothe yourself and each other: Conflict discussions can lead to flooding. When this occurs, you feel overwhelmed both emotionally and physically, and you are too agitated to really hear what your spouse is saying. Take a break to soothe and distract yourself, and learn techniques to soothe your spouse. Step 4. Compromise: Heres an exercise to try. Decide together on a solvable problem to tackle. Then separately draw two circlesa smaller one inside a larger one. In the inner circle list aspects of the problem you cant give in on. In the outer circle, list the aspects you can compromise about. Try to make the outer circle as large as possible and your inner circle as small as possible. Then come back and look for common bases for agreement.

Many perpetual conflicts that are gridlocked have an existential base of unexpressed dreams behind each persons stubborn position. In happy marriages, partners incorporate each others goals into their concept of what their marriage is about. These goals can be as concrete as wanting to live in a certain kind of house or intangible, such as wanting to view life as a grand adventure. The bottom line in getting past gridlock is not necessarily to become a part of each others dreams but to honor these dreams.

Marriage can have an intentional sense of shared purpose, meaning, family values, and cultural legacy that forms a shared inner life. Each couple and each family creates its own microculture with customs (like Sunday dinner out), rituals (like a champagne toast after the birth of a baby), and mythsthe stories the couple tells themselves that explain their marriage. This culture incorporates both of their dreams, and it is flexible enough to change as husband and wife grow and develop. When a marriage has this shared sense of meaning, conflict is less intense and perpetual problems are unlikely to lead to gridlock.