Signs of Infidelity

Signs of Infidelity

The complete guide to uncovering and

surviving cheating in your relationship.

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Copyright 8 Caroline Jackson 2008

First published: 2008

http://www.signsofinfidelity.co.uk

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Contents

Page

5 Signs of Cheating
31 Is it Time to say Goodbye?
35 Understanding What Went Wrong
47 Relationship Repair
68 How Can I Survive This?
117 Looking Towards the Future

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Foreword

There are many confusing statistics about infidelity, suggesting that

anywhere from 22 to 70 percent of people will cheat on their spouse at
some time in their marriage. What we do know, however, is that infidelity is the
most common cause of marriage breakdown in the UK, accounting for 29% of
divorces in 2007, and 32% in 2006. An annual survey of UK Law firms by
chartered accountants Grant Thornton has found infidelity to by the number one
cause of divorce in each of the last five years. In 78% of marriages which broke
down because of affairs, the straying spouse was the husband.

Worryingly, statistics also tell us that 50% of men who think their partner is
cheating are correct and 85% of women who notice signs of infidelity are
right. Yet so often the cheating spouse will deny anything is wrong until the
bitter end. The faithful spouse finds themselves trapped in a world of doubt
and uncertainty, perhaps having being told, and half-believing, that they
are paranoid and delusional. Little wonder then that the Grant Thornton
report also found that two out of three lawyers surveyed had a least one
client who hired detectives to shadow a spouse suspected of cheating.

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"While it might seem like an extreme length to go to, people just want to
know the truth - even if it hurts," explains Andrea McLaren, head of Grant
Thornton's London matrimonial practice.

Having been in this situation myself I understand how painful it can be, in
some ways much worse than the final discovery of an affair. This book
provides a comprehensive guide to recognising, uncovering and surviving
infidelity in your own relationship. If you are currently stuck in uncertainty
and doubt it will help you to move forward towards some form of resolution.

If you suspect that your partner is cheating, your focus right now will be on
finding out for certain just what is going on. This book includes extensive
advice on how to find the answer. However, bear in mind that if you do
discover infidelity, this is the beginning of a much longer and equally
painful journey. Surviving infidelity is just as difficult as the discovery. So in
this book we have also provided advice on how to cope with such a
discovery and how to move forward towards a happier and more fulfilling
future.

Does it have to mean the end?

When questioned most couples say that infidelity is a ‘deal breaker’. They
cannot imagine continuing with their relationship after such a profound
betrayal of trust. However, the discovery of infidelity does not necessarily
mean the end of a relationship. In reality more than half of marriages affected
by an affair remain intact. Once the anger and shock begin to clear, both
partners may realise just how deeply they value the relationship and each
other. Many couples have survive infidelity and come out the other side
much stronger as a result, reporting that their relationship is more intimate,
honest and meaningful after the affair. If both partners are willing to work hard

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at rebuilding lost trust, the chances of surviving infidelity become much

greater. This book also looks at how to begin repairing your relationship if
you decide to do so.

Most importantly, this book focuses on you, showing you how to take care
of your emotional well-being and ensure you can face the future with
greater confidence and self-esteem.

Caroline Jackson

Caroline Jackson, BSc (hons), MA, Dip. Couns, Family and Relationship
Counsellor

http://www.sextherapyonline.org
for online relationship counselling and sex therapy

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Signs of Cheating

If you are reading this book it suggests you already have some suspicion
that your spouse is cheating. This may be just a vague gut feeling -
perhaps your spouse is behaving differently or seems more distant than
previously? Or it may be that you have found evidence that has raised
questions in your mind? It could be perfectly innocent, and you hope it is,
but you just can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong.

It is often said that the first sign of a cheating spouse is your intuition. In
general we are not very good at listening to our gut instinct, preferring solid
evidence and logical explanations. But if your intuition continues nagging at
you, causing you to doubt your relationship or your spouse, it can become
hard to ignore. While there are some circumstances where you are right to
question your gut instinct - for example, if you have been cheated on in the
past you may be more alert to it happening again and misinterpret innocent
events - in most cases it is your best friend. Learn to nurture and listen to
your intuition and it will serve you well.

Before we begin exploring possible signs of infidelity there are a number of

other factors to consider. In particular, bear in mind that there could be a
perfectly innocent explanation for the changes you have noticed in your
spouse. As a first step think about his or her current situation. How is life
generally? If your partner is under a lot of stress for any reason - perhaps
pressure at work, redundancy or a recent bereavement - this may cause
significant changes in his or her behaviour. Some of the signs of infidelity
listed below could equally be signs of other issues in your partner’s life, for
example, worrying about getting older or changing demands at work.

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At the other extreme, if we try

hard enough, it is possible to
rationalise almost anything, and
some people ignore even the
most blatant signs of infidelity in
their relationship. When Louise
accidentally discovered that her
husband of nine years was
having an affair with a work colleague, she says a lot of other things began
to fall into place, “When I think back over the years, there have been
numerous little incidents - finding an earring in his car, holidays away alone
when he was impossible to contact, walking into a bar to see him with his
arm around another woman - but he always had a perfectly logical
explanation. I don't, or didn’t, consider myself a fool, but now I realise it
was easier to ignore these things than face up to the truth.”

One of the most powerful weapons a cheating spouse has is the self-doubt
of their partner - this can allow them to explain away obvious signs of
cheating as entirely innocent, or even to persuade their faithful partner that
they are paranoid and ‘imagining things’.

There is a popular myth that most unfaithful spouses eventually confess,

but real life experience suggests otherwise. Cheating spouses go to great
lengths to hide their indiscretions and even when questioned and
presented with evidence they may still continue to deny any wrongdoing. In
The Truth About Cheating Gary Neuman notes that “Without being
questioned a mere 7% {of husbands} admitted to their wives that they had
cheated. And unfortunately few men admit to it even after multiple
questioning. Shockingly, 68% never admit to cheating or only do so after

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their wives have concrete evidence of their affairs.” Research suggests that
women are equally reluctant to confess to an affair.

Remember too that affairs aren't only about sex. Many relationship experts
believe that any intimate activity between two people that breaches the trust of a
partner constitutes an affair.

Common signs
Below are some of the most common signs of infidelity. If you can say ‘yes’
to more than four of these it suggests that your concerns about your
relationship have a strong foundation:

y Your spouse is spending more time away from home, perhaps going to
places where he or she is difficult to contact. Common excuses include
unusual errands, conferences, seminars, working late, business trips,
fishing or hunting trips, or visiting old friends. They may find a reason to
begin attending functions and events alone.

y Lack of interest in sex or a suddenly increased interest in sex, perhaps

with new or unusual sexual requests. At the beginning of an affair, sex
may increase, but as the affair goes on, sex in the marital relationship
will often wane. In a long-standing affair the cheating spouse may begin
making excuses to sleep in a separate bedroom. For example, John
recalls that his wife “...said she couldn’t sleep with my snoring and
moved into the guest room. That was three years ago. At the time I felt
guilty and wretched - I tried every snoring solution on the market! But
now I realise that she moved into the spare room for other reasons - her
affair was already in full swing, even back then.”

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y Their behaviour towards you changes? For example they become more
or less physically affectionate than previously. They may be more
critical of you than previously? Or they may have stopped talking about
the future?

y Changes in appearance or personal care. These may include showering

more often, dieting, becoming much more interested in their
appearance and grooming, beginning to attend the gym, or buying new
clothes in a much younger or smarter style than they have worn
previously.

y Your spouse begins listening to different music or watching TV

programmes that they have previously ignored or disliked. This may be
the music their lover enjoys, or the TV programmes they watch
together. Noelle was puzzled when her husband began watching a soap
opera he had previously said he hated. She explains “He began
watching every episode and at the time I just thought it was a bit odd,
but later I learned that his lover was an avid fan of the show.”

y Your spouse suddenly takes up new hobbies or interests, especially if

these seem quite out of character. Again, this may be a pursuit they
share with a lover.

y Other physical signs include returning home smelling of unfamiliar

perfume or aftershave, jumping in the shower as soon as they return
home, or returning in different clothes to those they went out in. More
obvious physical signs include unusual scratches or love bites, as these
are almost impossible to explain away innocently.

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y Frequent evenings out ‘with the girls’ or ‘with mates’ when spouses are
not included.

y Seeming much more distracted than normal or daydreaming more. Jeff

recalls “My girlfriend Helen was always busy, we used to joke about her
being in perpetual motion, but suddenly I began finding her shut away in
the bedroom daydreaming, with love songs playing in the background.
It wasn’t anything big it was just out of character. Once I walked in on
her looking thoughtfully at a map, I tried to talk to her but she just
shrugged it off. I have no idea to this day what she was doing with it,
possibly planning a trip with him? Shortly after this I discovered she was
having an affair with one of my closest friends.”

y Your spouse suddenly loses interest in household tasks or is he or she

spending less time with the children.

y A spouse who suddenly begins having long phone conversations, even

on holidays and weekends.

y Secrecy - if your spouse turns off the computer monitor when you walk
into the room, or quickly ends a phone conversation this is a sign they
have something to hide. They may also go outdoors or into another
room to talk on their mobile phone, or turn their mobile phone off when
they are with you . Some cheaters have a secret e-mail address that
allows them to communicate with their lover without fear of detection.
Others may begin deleting emails and phone messages so that you do
not have chance to read them.

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y Bills can also provide some important clues. These might include
unexpectedly high phone bills or credit card bills, where some of the
charges are for shops, hotels or restaurants that you and your spouse
don't normally frequent, as well as unexplained charges on a bank
statement. Some cheaters will have a second mobile phone that they
keep hidden in their car or office, or a separate credit card that they use
to hide the costs of their affair.

y Unexpectedly high mileage on your spouse’s car may also be a sign

that he or she has something to hide, as can very low mileage when he
or she was supposed to be travelling a long distance.

y Your spouse begins bringing you flowers and gifts for no reason when
they have never previously done this.

y Your spouse has someone else’s house keys or garage door opener
without a good explanation.

y Your spouse begins to remove the children’s toys and seats from their
car before going out.

y You find strange personal items in your home when you return from
work or from a trip away. Or you find items that do not belong to your
family in the car. These are sometimes left on purpose by the cheater’s
lover.

y You find receipts for hotel rooms or meals for two which do not seem to
be work-related.

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y You find emails, letters, photographs, texts or social network messages,

that suggest an affair. We’ll be looking in more depth at internet
infidelity shortly.

y Your spouse begins to behave uncomfortably around a friend or

neighbour of the opposite sex, or ignores this person.

y Your spouse begins to pick fights with you for no apparent reason and
perhaps talks about your relationship ending. They may be unusually
moody and avoid talking with you, or be snappy and impatient with the
children.

By now you should be gathering some useful information that will help you
to decide if your spouse might be cheating. You may have found some
solid evidence of cheating or the signs may be less tangible. Where
possible try to collect or copy the physical evidence you find, such as
receipts, letters or photographs. To interpret the information you are
gathering accurately you also need to consider three other crucial elements
to the puzzle:

y First, remember that opportunity is important. If your spouse has a full

daily schedule with little free time then you might wonder how they
could possibly find time to meet someone and have an affair. However,
it your partner has a lifestyle that affords them plenty of free time or a
flexible job, then the opportunity is there. Nick’s job as an on-site
engineer means that he meets many new people each week. His job is
also flexible enough for him to be able to hide the odd hour or two spent
with a new lover. Private investigator John Spencer notes “It really
comes down to knowing the person you married. Many husbands and

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wives have ample opportunity to cheat but would never think of doing
so. Others, who you might say are that way inclined, will find some way
to cheat even if their opportunities are very restricted. So opportunity is
important - in some cases, the reason cheaters give for their behaviour
is simply ‘that I could’; the opportunity presented itself and they didn’t
say ‘no’, but this certainly isn’t the whole story.“

y Next, consider your partner’s previous relationship history. This is

something you have probably discussed with him or her in the past, but
if not you may be able to find someone else you could ask who has
known your partner for a long time. Choose someone who will not be
suspicious of your questions and try to raise the subject in a natural,
matter-of-fact way. If your partner has had affairs in previous
relationships there is a much higher chance that he or she will do so
again. If you and your spouse began your own relationship as an affair,
there is an even higher chance that your suspicions are correct.

y As we saw earlier, it’s also important to consider your own history. If you
have experienced infidelity in a past relationship, this may have left a
legacy of suspicion and distrust that colours your view of the world in an
unhelpful way.

y Finally, think about your current life together. Sudden changes such as
the arrival of a baby, redundancy, or the death of a loved one can pile
on the pressure and leave both halves of a couple feeling insecure.
Rather than finding support and solace within the relationship, some
people will turn outwards to an affair to find attention and comfort .
Equally, if you feel that you and your spouse are growing apart this may
create the sort of rift that can lead to an affair. Examples include where

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one spouse is earning much more than the other and begins to develop
a new set of friends and lifestyle from which their partner feels
excluded.

Perhaps you are just in a bit of a rut, taking each other for granted and
preoccupied with the daily challenges of running careers and raising a
family. Both men and women may fall into an affair as a way of
validating themselves - they find the desire and approval of a new lover
a powerful tonic, boosting their self-esteem and helping them to feel
more attractive and desirable.

When you begin gathering evidence you might find it helpful to write it
down. If you do so ensure that it is in a secure, password-protected
computer file or in a notebook that is extremely well-hidden. The aim is to
gather enough evidence that you either know beyond any doubt that your
partner is having an affair or that you feel reassured that your suspicions
were wrong. It’s important to self-monitor - don't let your search for
evidence take over so that you are obsessing about it every minute of the
day. Once you have written your evidence down let it go mentally, so that
you can focus on other things. You won’t forget, it’s safely written down, so
you can let it go for now!

Evidence gathering can be compelling even addictive, so it’s important to

recognise when enough is enough. Either you haven’t found anything and
you can let it go for good, or you have found plenty and are sure your
partner is cheating. While you don’t want to confront too soon - this would
give your partner too much wriggle room - avoid dragging it all out so long
that your self-esteem has fallen through the floor.

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In Ultimate Betrayal Danine Manette suggests dividing evidence into two

files:

y Unsolved Mysteries - these are things that raise your suspicions but that
you are not completely sure about. An example would be the bracelet
you found under the passenger seat in your spouse’s car - he had an
innocent explanation at the time, but you didn’t quite believe him. The
jury is still out on Unsolved Mysteries, but recording them gives you
chance to find the answer in the future.

Bona Fide Horsecrap - these are situations where you know for certain
that your partner lied or deceived you. An example would be where your
partner told you she was attending a conference at a particular hotel,
but when you call the hotel they deny any knowledge of your wife or the
conference. While it’s tempting to confront your partner immediately
with things in this file, try not to do so. They may still be able to come up
with an innocent explanation and at the same time you have warned
them you are on to them so they will be much more careful and difficult
to catch in the future.

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What to do if your partner is not having an affair...

If you have found no evidence of an affair but your gut instinct

continues to tell you something is wrong, congratulate yourself and
take this as an early warning sign. Your intuition seems to be telling
you that there is a problem with your relationship but if you act now it
could prevent things getting worse.

There are many reasons why people have affairs and we shall be
looking at some of these in more depth later in the book. But usually
infidelity is an external sign of an internal desire for change. Something
in the person's life or the relationship isn’t right and the affair creates
the trigger for change. If any of the following sound familiar, your
relationship may be at risk from infidelity:

y relationship problems - if your partner is unhappy in your

relationship he or she will be more tempted to look elsewhere;

y boredom - if your partner is bored with your life together, an affair

may seem like an adventure;

y low self-esteem - your partner may turn to an affair to find

reassurance that he she is attractive and loveable.

Of course it could equally be that you are the one who is bored or
unhappy and looking for a way out? If so, we would urge you to
seek support from a relationship counsellor who will be able to help
you decide on the best way forward.

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This is a short extract from the 140-page ebook:

Signs of Infidelity: The complete guide to uncovering and

surviving cheating in your relationship.

To download the full book, or to find more articles on surviving

infidelity, please visit our website:

http://www.signsofinfidelity.co.uk

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