02 06

cont
04 07

ents
08
11

12
18
16

21 22

02 men - technical specification

assembling the male puzzle, piece by piece

04 vocabuclarity
the words you can be fairly sure you are unsure of

06 accidental art
the spotting of unintended visual delights

07 know thyself 12 take better photographs

that be where all the answers lie something we’d all like to do.

08 what lies beneath 16 interview

resident sage jenny on perception is projection the way we do things.

18 why i love dennis bergkamp

11 fontissimo homage to the silky skilled dutchman
it’s all in the words (and the spaces between them.)
21 how to...
jamie is leaving marketing. here’s what to do.

22 why i hate…juice bars

refreshment stall angst.

twentytwomagazine@gmail.com

The content of this document remains the © copyright of its respective owner,
all rights reserved. This document is provided for reference only and should not
be reproduced, edited, manipulated or referred to without full prior permission
of the original author and/or publisher.

Technical Specifications
IN THIS ONGOING FEATURE ABOUT
THE XX AND XY OF THE HUMAN
SPECIES WE WILL BE GOING WAY PAST
THE ABSURD, HOLLOW NONSENSE
ABOUT REMOTE CONTROL HOGGING,
SHOPPING, AND THINKING ABOUT
SEX ALL THE TIME, IN FACT THE ENTIRE
SCRIPTED, CLICHÉ RIDDEN DIRGE
THAT HAS BEEN WRITTEN ABOUT THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE SEXES. MEN
ARE FROM EARTH. WOMEN ARE FROM
EARTH. PERIOD. HOWEVER WE CAN
PERHAPS FIND OUT SOME IN DEPTH
AND USEFUL INSIGHTS INTO HOW
AND WHY THEY OPERATE THE WAY
THEY DO. FIRST UP...
Men and Sport on TV
Men like to watch team sports on TV.
You’ve probably picked up that Socrates-
esque insight already. But let’s go way into
the screen and aim the microscope on why
it is so popular. Why is it so absorbing for
guys from the ages of 7 to 97? Why the
lifelong obsession? My model in this piece
will be football, because that’s what moves
me, but many of the principles detailed here
are applicable to the other team sports too.
02
Perhaps the absolute biggest drawcard of all
is that it is 100% unpredictable. It is never,
ever the same as the game before. Our
lives have cyclical patterns of repetitive,
predictable administrative tasks to keep the
show going - shopping, cooking, cleaning,
driving, shaving and so on. A game is a live,
totally unpredictable phenomenon that is
always different. This is huge. You can
imagine the appeal of something where you
truly never know what you are going to get,
as a short pit stop in a life with constant,
episodic repetition where you often know
exactly what you are going to get. The
foundation of unpredictability forms the
overarching narrative over all the other key
elements of the spectacle that suck us in
yet further.
One magnetic component is simply seeing a
collection of men, giving everything. They
are totally and utterly focused on what they
are doing. They are in trance and trying
their absolute best. They are completely
absorbed in a quest. If they are seen to
show the slightest drop in intensity, they
are screamed at by players, coaches and
thousands of spectators. When we go to
our offices we are not utterly focused. We
are not giving absolutely everything and I
doubt very much whether anyone is doing
their best at any point. And there’s only
screaming if there’s an industrial accident.
We crave the passion and intensity we see
in them, doing what they love. We are not
at the peak of performance. For the most
part, we are not lost in the moment, totally
doing what we want. We are mentally
away and adopting coping strategies to get
through places we don’t really want to be,
doing things that we don’t really want to
do. Sports players aren’t that, at least until
retirement anyway.
There is of course the drama. High drama.
Men hate melodrama, but they love drama
as much as women. It literally gets us out
of our seats screaming at a box and it gets
us out of ourselves. Out of the blue genius,
game-changing incidents, temper explosions,
controversial decisions and catastrophic
blunders. These are just a handful of the
cornerstones of the intoxication.
There is also the piece de resistance, a lone
element to a game’s unpredictability when a
single individual pulls off a surprising piece of
skill to break a deadlock of tightly matched
combatants. Someone rises above, and
surprises everyone with something totally
unexpected, to shock us all and grab
the glory.
Maybe the game will be like chess, with
moves and counter moves all orchestrated
between the complex minds of two
masterful coaches. Perhaps it will be a
battle, two heavyweight teams slugging it
out into the depths of extra-time until one
triumphs at an exhaustive finale. The closer
the game, the greater the absorption, the
greater the stakes, the higher the drama.
Plus there are of course countless dull
games. Ones with no spectacle to grab our
imagination. Their abundance and ongoing
presence serves to elevate the status of the
classic match higher still.
We love the way our emotions go on a
rollercoaster when we are drawn into
drama. We will have physiological and
emotional changes and be lost on the
addictive, escapist trip. We will the ball in.
We will the ball out. We join as one with a
team and their goals and urgency becomes
enacted out through us, because we want
the same thing. For some crazy reason the
association with a group of guys means
when they get what they want, we feel the
joy is pooled and get the same magic dust -
the elation of victory.
In a team sport like football, we adore the
sheer battle of two teams doing absolutely
everything they can to stretch out the
tiniest advantage on the mountain climb to
optimum performance. They are often both
so evenly matched, both spending millions
on sports science, nutrition, motivation
speakers, hydrotherapy, hyperbaric
chambers, alternative training techniques,
coaches, assistant coaches, physiotherapists,
doctors and even off-season holidays.
Hence it takes exceptional skill,
extraordinary vision and often a moment of
spellbinding, time freezing thinking to break
the deadlock and bring home the spoils.
A momentary piece of wonder in front of a
crowd of thousands and a TV audience
of millions.
Large audience = Pressure. A man taking
a penalty to win his nation a trophy, with
millions watching him is pressure. We don’t
win things for our country with a million
people watching. Most men, if they knew
they had a million people watching, willing
them to do something, wouldn’t even be
able to stand up. So yes, the pressure of
top level team sport is not important like
the pressure of operating on a child, but it is
intoxicatingly, stupefyingly dramatic and thus
perfect television.
Although the match itself is the height of the
hypnotic viewing, our addiction means we
also get sucked into all the extensive pre-
match analysis. The pontificating punditry
that tries to lay out the key strategic
areas - where the game will be won and
lost. Although we will watch this and even
have our own panel of experts among
our friends, the odd thing is that most of
the time it is entirely inaccurate. Kick off
lays it to rest instantly as merely historical
filler. A countdown of hot air. The man
who breaks the deadlock is very rarely the
one predicted. In fact, it never goes as
described, thank god. How could it? It is live
creation in action. There is no blueprint.
Add in the tribal loyalty element where
you actually have YOUR team up there in
the battle, the appeal of the spectacle is
amplified a hundred fold. You long for what
they long for. You will them through all the
obstacles the opposition and officials put
in the way. Your mind is alongside and you
are in it. You are present. You are living in
the moment and for fleeting moments, find
yourself actually doing what millions of new
age books are telling you to do. Being.
And if your man is watching a World Cup,
then his level of trance and absorption
could blank out an earthquake, at least
until the picture started flickering. World
Cups are every four years. This means that
the players do not get to make amends for
whatever happens the following Saturday, or
even the next season. With a short career
it is possible that they may have just one
opportunity to shine on the highest stage.
Even if you hate all sport you’d understand
if De Niro had one audition and that was it.
You can grasp the stakes at play if Picasso
had an appointment with one art dealer that
could make him and if he blew it, he would
retreat to sketching holidaymakers at the
end of a pier.
So yes, when you peel off the layers to
see how all the components work and
examine which needs are being met, is it
not surprising it can be impossible to get
our attention mid-game. We are men.
We don’t get excited very often. We are
masters of being underwhelmed, uninvolved,
unmoved, neutral, detached and dismissive.
There is not much that actually moves us.
Sport does.
But whatever great drunken speeches we
may give, we do know sport isn’t important.
It isn’t. We may defend why we love it, but
we know in the great scheme of the world
it is merely play for those who have life’s
fundamentals comfortably taken care of.
However, the game can light us up like
Manhattan, move our bloodstream like a
bear attack might and put our incessant
mind chatter firmly to bed. It mesmerises,
hypnotises and unites us, makes us converse
with strangers, can make us sing and
dance and weep and resurrects all our lost
emotions of wonder. It contorts our bodies
into the star shaped arch of glory that
bellows “I AM ALIVE”. Pretty hard to get
that from a quiz show.
back to contents page
y Luc Viatour
 by SummerWithMorons
04

PoliticalHawk/Dove
A hawk - person who pursues an aggressive
policy in business or government/public
office. They often advocate military
solutions and belligerent national attitudes.
A dove - person with a more moderate
outlook who advocates peace and
conciliatory national attitudes.

Bespoke suit
Individual hand tailored suit that is custom
made to match the buyer’s form. It is
created without the use of a pre existing
pattern and the buyer has control over the
fabric, the features and the final fit. Often
mirrors the price of a Porsche.

by merfam
TWENTY TWO’S PLACE TO EXPLORE e
en
THOSE TERMS THAT YOU ARE FAIRLY n tol
CERTAIN YOU HAVE A GRASP OF, BUT rya
by
ON CLOSER INSPECTION OR WHEN
PRESSED, YOUR SPEECH OFTEN FOLDS
IN ON ITSELF.

Postmodern architecture
Often cited as a reaction to modernist
architecture and quoted as beginning as
early as the 1950’s. It heralds the return of
ornament. Forms are able to be adopted
for their own sake. It embraces new ways
of looking at traditional forms and spaces
and celebrates a mix of building techniques,
styles and angles. Good example - Humana
Building, Louisville Kentucky.
Modern architecture
Modern architecture is a term given to
a number of building styles with similar
characteristics, mainly the simplification
of form and the elimination of decoration
and cosmetic ornament. It is driven by
the creation of a form that follows a
pragmatic response to function. The style
was conceived early in the 20th century.
Good example - National Museum of
Western Art in Tokyo, Barcelona Pavilion
(shown here).

back to contents page


Judgement
A TOUGH ONE. IT IS SO EASY TO
JUDGE OTHERS, SO MUCH SO THAT
SOMETIMES YOU ARE NOT EVEN
AWARE WHEN YOU ARE DOING IT.
Not sure how much judging is going on out
there? Just think about any time you have
been somewhere and the conversation has
turned to the subject of Tom Cruise. It is
almost incessant. “Oh I can’t stand him”.
“He’s just so…blah blah.” The vitriol and
negativity on just this one person, this one
actor who none of the line up of critics have
ever even met is often staggering.
They don’t know anything about the guy
other than what has arrived through the
media. What has he ever done that has
merited such a consistent, widespread
onslaught? He may well be an amazing,
accidental
generous, thoughtful, kind and decent
person, but bring his name up around any
table in the land and the acid will soon flow.
The machine gun fire of judgement will be
across your ears before you have finished
saying his name. Criticism is so addictive it
should come with a government
health warning.
IT IS EXACTLY THAT, ART THAT IS
ACCIDENTAL. NO STAGING, NO
SET UPS AND NO CHEATING. JUST
CAPTURING SOMETHING THAT
CAUGHT THE EYE AS A LITTLE PIECE
OF ART LURKING AMONGST
THE EVERYDAY.
Our first offering was viewed in an office.
Someone had hundreds of local papers to
go through and no time to do it. So they
were hastily stuffed on a shelf for later and
bingo, a regular feature was born.
06
07
Know
So not to get stuck on just this one example,
let’s look behind the process. What is it
that is so appealing about criticising others/
judging/putting people down? What do we
get from giving vivid descriptions of what we
think we are not? What are we revealing
about ourselves when we label others as fat/
stupid/incompetent/annoying/sad and so on?
For a detailed explanation of what’s likely
to be behind it, see Jenny’s ‘What Lies
Beneath’ article.
Evidently there is a highly addictive, positive
gain to our own sense of self that we take
as a quick boost through the simple judging
of another. Perhaps it is as simple as the
fact that the process of knocking another
has a mirage benefit of laying another little
brick under the wobbly foundations of our
own ego.
Witness how easy it is to ‘commentate’ on
what is on the TV, giving your own ‘wisdom’
and stream of personal prejudices and put
downs a healthy workout. You don’t even
have to verbalise them. Just listen to the
internal dialogue as it judges others,
or anything at all that ‘you would
never do’.
When we meet someone who doesn’t
do it, the impact is immediate. When we
encounter an individual who, despite all
the drama flying all around them, does not
criticise others, it has a phenomenal impact
on us and those around us. When we
meet the person who consistently only has
positive things to say, or shrugs when asked
for input by a group keen to recruit an
additional critic, we are totally drawn
to them.
There can be a tidal wave of impact through
the simple act of choosing not to judge. It
hits us square on. And why is that? Because
even though we evidently get the ego feed
from the criticism and even though we have
been socialised into patterns and habits,
every time we do criticise something or
someone else, we feel it is wrong. Our
bodies/mind whatever you like, tell us that it
is not ok. Judging is no good for anyone. It
is toxic. We know that and yet it is such a
challenge to stop. We are hooked on it.
I am as guilty as the next person.
I’ll probably do it immediately tomorrow
morning when I hear the first bloody
blaring iPod on the train, but I’ve learnt one
thing. That when I have remembered all
of the above in the middle of the heat of a
judgemental onslaught, it has felt amazingly
powerful to stop, hold my palms up and
simply not judge. It felt good.
The next time people are talking about Tom
Cruise, which will be pretty soon I’d imagine
- frighten everyone and say “Umm, I don’t
know him, but I am sure he’s no worse a
person than any of our boyfriends, husbands
or brothers. Have you found ranting about
him helps your life in some way? ” Then
move back just a shade. Someone will drop
their biscuit for sure.
back to contents page
 08
THE PERCEPTION IS PROJECTION GAME
THIS PORTABLE, EASY TO LEARN, SIMPLE TO USE TECHNIQUE IS THE MOST
EMPOWERING TOOL YOU COULD EVER WISH TO MASTER. IT IS SOMETHING
YOU CAN INCORPORATE INTO DAILY LIFE WITH GREAT EASE. GET IT UP AND
RUNNING AND YOU’LL BE MILES AHEAD IN LIBERATING THE JOY MACHINE
WITHIN. QUICKLY GETTING RIGHT TO THE HEART OF ANY PROBLEMS
YOU HAVE WITH OTHERS, LONG STANDING ISSUES CAN BE CLEARED
INSTANTANEOUSLY. THIS GAME IS A GREAT WAY TO BE AT CAUSE AND
CHANGE YOUR UNIVERSE.
Beneath
Perception is projection means that
whatever you perceive to be outside
yourself is also a part of you on some level.
Jung summarised this when he said that
“you marry your unconscious mind and
then spend the rest of your life projecting
out onto it”. In other words, whatever you
don’t like about your partner is a mirror for
you, reflecting some behaviour inside of you
that you are not aware of yet. The more
you try to hide something about yourself,
the more you project it unconsciously on
those around you. What you resist persists,
and we judge most harshly in others what
we most deny in ourselves.
The Creator Laboratory has very cleverly
designed and hardwired this program into
your system because you find it very difficult
to see yourself as you really are. It’s far
easier to see faults in someone else. This
program is running 24/7, whether you can
feel it or not. It’s one of the laws of the
universe that enables you to pierce right
through the illusion.
Whether you are conscious of your
behaviours or not, you are the creator
of your world. The master knows this
and it is the step that raises the student
to the stature of magnificence. To gain
maximum control of the universe, assume
responsibility for your reality.
It is very easy to measure your change
because the person pressing your buttons
will suddenly appear to be acting differently
and your buttons won’t get pressed in that
circumstance any more. And if you haven’t
changed inside, and trade in your partner
because it was all their stuff, you will know
because your new partner will have the
same behaviours camouflaged behind a
different body. The old will be dressed up as
the new. It’s just self meeting self, time and
time again until you get the message.
You can choose the devil you know and
change inside or get a new one and repeat
the same behaviours all over again. Life
boils down to choices and consequences.
By truly becoming aware of what you are
creating in your universe you can choose
to take another road, or you can follow the
same old pathway.
Change things within and your outside
world will change immediately. This can
be seen in your daily life. You have already
clocked how differently the world and
people appear when you are having a bad
hair day. And doesn’t the whole world
sparkle when you fall in love?
You will find that this is one of the most
effective tools for empowerment you
will ever come across. You know by now
that you can’t change anyone else, you’ve
all tried that one, to no avail. You CAN
change yourself however. By bringing your
unconscious behaviours that you project
onto others back inside yourself, you can
change your reality.
Jennifer is based in Perth and has been studying the healing
process and accelerated human change for over 20 years.
This knowledge and wisdom is put to good use in her work
as a Personal Development Coach, Spiritual Mentor,
Bowen Therapist and Freelance Writer.
If you are having problems with your You might like to start with the little
partner you can sometimes sort out your things first before you work up to the 9/11
differences by bringing all the projections events. You will always be able to find the
into conscious awareness and changing projections inside yourself. If you are having
them inside yourself. The relationship trouble finding an unconscious behaviour,
flourishes once again without the need for put it out there to the universe and then
couples counselling. wait for it to appear in your consciousness.
It might take a few days. You’ll be in the
What happens to some people at this
middle of something and the penny
point is they start to judge themselves
will drop.
unmercifully. They take a big stick to
themselves (or beat harder). So get over the cont
self flagellation. Put the big stick away. It’s
just stuff, everyone has it and you wouldn’t
be here otherwise. Don’t allow the pride of
your negative ego to make hay while the sun
shines. Put it in the archive section of your
bookshelf and let it rest in peace.
You might need to remind yourself yet again
that planet earth is the school of learning.
Everyone lands on Earth with their own
unique combination of subjects to graduate
from. There is no good and bad in this
game. Just behaviours you choose to keep
and behaviours you feel you want to let go
of. As Shakespeare wrote, “there is nothing
good or bad, but thinking makes it so. We
see the world not as it is, but as we are”.
To do this process:
1. Think of a situation where someone
is pressing your buttons.
2. Describe their behaviour
3. How is that true in you?
4. How would you like them to behave
with/towards you?
5. How can you be an example of that
within?
The last step is to change the behaviour
where it manifests in you. Just the conscious
awareness of how the behaviour plays out
inside you will get the ball rolling. Making
the decision to change the undesirable trait
will often change everything around you.
back to contents page
Sometimes we need to work a little harder.
There is no end to professional help out
there if you are stuck.
Bio
www.heartforce.com.au

Beneath
Your subconscious mind runs most of
your behaviours without you being aware
of what’s going on, from how you love,
the money you make, to how you clean
your teeth. Most habitual behaviours have
come from doing something once, usually
at a young age, in a past life, or they can be
passed on genealogically, before running on
auto pilot ever after. This process uncovers
the behaviours that aren’t serving you and
you get to choose new pathways. The
chains that bind are liberated, expanding
your conscious awareness and hence
your enlightenment.
Your projections are holographic in nature
and that means that although you may
be seeing something in someone else in
your workplace, it could be showing you
something about how you interact with
your family at home. The person who is
pressing your buttons might be actually
doing something which you only think about
doing. Energetically there is no difference
between the thought and the deed.
You might think that you have dealt with
something and it comes up again. This
means the projections might also need to be
addressed on other levels. I had to address
an issue on the physical, emotional, mental
and finally the spiritual level. Sometimes
your biggest button presser might be a
metaphor for many different issues. They
put their hands up for more than one part
up there in heaven when you were writing
your life script.
It’s a good thing to always remember that
challenging people and situations are sent
to you as your most important teachers.
Without them your soul would not grow.
They are perhaps the ones who love you
the most on a soul level, because they are
willing (once again on a soul level) to accept
the flak you project out at them. Whenever
you get angry at your children you can bet
they are acting out your unresolved stuff be
it conscious or unconscious.
If you have a charge on someone, you are a
victim to that person. You’re giving them
rent free space in your head. Own your
projection and it will disarm and take away
the intensity of the charge and you can then
deal with it. When you own the projection
you don’t lose the capacity of the behaviour,
but gain more choices.
Projection monsters are created when the
concept is not fully grasped. You will hear
those that say, “That’s not my projection, it’s
theirs”. Or, “I can accept that 95% of it is
my stuff but the other 5% isn’t”. That 5% is
probably the most important projection you
need to clear. One of the rules of the game
is that you never get to tell anyone else
that it is their projection. This is just you
projecting your stuff onto someone else.
We’ve all tried the game of avoidance and
denial and we know that it doesn’t resolve
anything. Slipping stuff under the carpet
in the hope that it might disappear never
clears anything and it will just come around
again one fine day when you least expect
it. It requires taking responsibility for your
conscious and your unconscious behaviour.
11
You either get results or you have reasons.
If you want results, it means taking full
responsibility for your actions and not
blaming others. There is a very simple
equation that states that cause is greater
than effect (C>E). You need to ask yourself
if you are on the cause side of the equation
or the effect side. On the cause side of the
equation you are taking full responsibility for
your life. You will be empowered to get the
results you want. If you are on the effect
side of the equation you are in victim mode.
You will have a vast repertoire of reasons/
excuses as to why you don’t get the results
you want in your life. The choice is
entirely yours.
The spin off is that this process drives in
lorry loads full of wisdom and compassion
for others. It will also eliminate your
judgement of others. All desirable traits if
one is treading the spiritual path. Integrate
it into your life and have fun with it!
Jennifer Parker
uality fonts. It’s overwhelming. How
do you navigate through such an avalanche
of choice? No doubt your adult life has
meant you have already encountered the
all pervasive vanillas of Times Roman, Ariel,
Universe and Helvetica but just how many
secret typography delights have you been
missing out on?
We can help you navigate the font galaxy.
First up - You might want to have a glance at
Flex Regular. Text on legs. A quality choice
that introduces a gorgeous Q (see intro para
for the Q and article title for full character
view). It’s a great option for headings, sub
headings and perhaps even logo type if your
client is seeking a typographical solution. Flex
is subtle, blending beautiful curves and lines
whilst maintaining a modern edge without
straying into cold and clinical lands. One to
consider for your basket next time you shop
at www.fontshop.com
back to contents page

12
WHY IS IT THAT SOME PHOTOS LOOK BETTER THAN OTHERS?
IT MAY BE A WHOLE RANGE OF REASONS, BUT THERE ARE A
FEW SIMPLE THINGS WE CAN DO TO MAKE ANY PHOTO LOOK
JUST THAT LITTLE BIT BETTER.
Take Better
Rule of Thirds:
graphs
Without having to go in to the complicated
camera settings, the first thing we can easily
change is how we compose our images. You
may have heard of the ‘Rule of Thirds’ in art
class back in school. Well the principle is
a great one to follow to make your photos
look more pleasing to the eye.
We have all seen the holiday shot of a great
landmark with a person standing square in
front of it and the horizon in the centre of
the photo. Well, simply adopting the rule of
thirds in these classic tourism scenarios will
make the photo far better.
The basic principal of the rule of thirds is
to draw an imaginary noughts and crosses
board through the view finder and use the
lines as guides. In general, put the object
you want to emphasize on any of the four
intersecting points, and the horizon on
either the top or bottom line, depending on
whether you want to emphasize the sky or
the ground.
As you can see in this image the focus is the
colour in the sky so it has been featured in
the top two thirds and the main point of
interest is the rock so it is placed on the
bottom right intersecting point. The same
arrangement can be done with photos
of people.
The rule of thirds is a great, basic tool to
help compose visually pleasing photographs.
gr
Photographing Kids Sports: Perhaps the best photography tips I can give
are two very simple ones. Firstly, get out
Everyone has a digital camera these days
there! You can’t get a great photo if you
and one way to capture great memories is
are not there. So if you want to take great
to take some photos of your kids running
photos, go to places where great photos
around or playing their favourite sports.
happen. And the final and most important
The first tip for shooting sports is to turn
tip of all, carry spare batteries and memory
your flash off. The flash only generally works
cards. There is no use trekking out for miles
for about 4-5 metres from the camera so if
for that wonderful shot and then either
your subject is further away than that, the
having a flat battery of a full memory card.
flash has no effect. The flash also limits the
speed at which the photo can be taken and Tips from professional photographer
often this causes fast moving subject to Nathan Archer of Archer Imagery,
be blurred.
www.archerimagery.com.au
Secondly, have the sun on your back.
There is no use shooting into the sun as
the players face will be in shadow, so if you
stand with your back to the sun you are
more likely to get the sun on the players
face as they run towards you.
Thirdly, you may want to use the viewfinder
and not the screen, as the sun will make the
screen hard to see. Plus it is also far harder
to follow the action when you are peering
at a little screen.
Finally, anticipate the action and follow the
players with your camera. Don’t just wait
for them to come into your frame.
And remember it’s digital, you can shoot,
look and delete. Take as many photos as
you want and then review them all at
home later.
back to contents page
© www.archerimagery.com.au
 DO YOU SEE ANY FUNDAMENTAL
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE SEXES
THAT CAN MAKE SUCCESSFUL
‘RELATING’ SOMETIMES A DIFFICULT
THING?
The female hormonal mood swing and the
male testosterone driven reaction can often
be an inconvenient pairing that interferes
with the reception of communication
channels.
WHAT HAVE BEEN SOME OF THE
LEARNINGS YOU HAVE HAD IN LIFE
AROUND THE AREAS OF ANXIETY/
WORRY?
WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED THROUGH
EMOTIONAL PAIN?
That there is always an end if you want it,
and that there is fantastic potential to learn
from it and grow as a person. Emerging out
of the other side the emotional pain can
take you to another level of knowledge and
enlightenment. The very realisation of that
fact has taught me that I always have the
ability to cut the strings whenever I feel as
though I’m in the position of the marionette,
whatever the cause may be.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE IF SOMETHING
IS TRUE?
CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT A TIME
YOUR HEART WON OVER YOUR HEAD?
The head knew that love would be
unrequited, and yet the heart did not stop
loving. It resulted in heartache and wisdom.
EVERYTHING IS TOTALLY NEUTRAL,
NOT GOOD OR BAD, UNTIL YOU
INTERNALISE IT. CONTROL THE
INTERNALISATION PROCESS AND
YOU WILL HAVE MASTERY OVER LIFE
AND CAN CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE
HOW YOUR DAY WILL GO. YOUR
THOUGHTS?

35
Wing WHICH IS THE ONE QUOTE THAT YOU
HAVE FOUND MOST USEFUL IN LIFE?
‘Inside Out’ - although it’s not really a
quote, more like a personal motto. ‘Inside
Out’ reminds me to work on the inside,
and the outside will follow. Work on the
having the right view, which goes a long way
towards having the right cause for one’s
actions, and the actions will take care of
themselves. Or as Funkadelic said, “Free
Your Mind...And Your Ass Will Follow”.
Don’t worry about how your dance moves
are going to look. Work on the mind, feel
the music, and your ass will shake the way
it should.
WHAT IS YOUR INTERNAL DIALOGUE
GENERALLY LIKE?
Like short films I create for myself to watch,
usually of scenarios that I’m anticipating
or trying to realise. The short films don’t
screen that often, but they can range
from something like “What if I started a
conversation with that stranger with whom
I made eye contact?” where I would imagine
the conversation we might have.
Sometimes I play back moments in the past
where I’m trying to resolve or get in touch
with some emotions, like a time I was taken
to a girl’s formal and ended up talking to
one of her friends who went without a date.
I’d play back moments from the formal, and
I’d play back the couple of times I saw her
after the formal, where she was evidently
still very affected by it.
It’s not always short films though. When it
comes to sorting out the head, typically in
anticipation of some future event though
not always, it’s probably more like staring
into space and concentrating on letting
the different feelings and thoughts stew
together. When that happens it’s not in
words at all. When it IS in words it would
be in short film form. Actually they’re more
like lucid dreams.
WHO HAS BEEN THE BEST TEACHER
IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR AND WHAT ARE
SOME OF THE THINGS THEY HAVE
PASSED ON TO YOU?
My major inspiration would be my father.
I learned that while one’s words can speak
volumes, one’s actions can kick one’s words’
ass, if words have asses. He was a man of
few lectures, but the man that he is, is the
man I aspire to be.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IS ESSENTIAL
FOR SOMEONE TO BE CONSIDERED A
CLOSE FRIEND?
One who loves life. The rest follows.
HAVE YOU OVERCOME ANY FEARS IN
YOUR LIFE AND IF SO, HOW DID YOU
DO IT?
Social phobia, overcome by learning not
only how to small talk, but to enjoy the
process of finding the right kind of small talk
for the audience.
They will surface from time to time. Be
assured that ability to overcome them is
within, and get on with the business of
digging them up from the root.
HOW DO YOU MAKE A BIG DECISION?
The head usually rushes in to evaluate
things, but it’s my gut than more often that
not makes the final call. I trust my instinct.
WHAT HAVE BEEN YOUR EXPERIENCES
AND LEARNING AROUND THE AREA
OF ALCOHOL/DRUGS?
They can be fun, or not. How much fun or
sorrow depends on the way they are used,
and the head space at the time. They can
create space for thinking or they can cram
things up so tight that it freezes all other
processes.
WHAT DO YOU THINK A GOOD
FATHER IS?
One who lives life well and shows that by
example. One who empowers his children
to think and feel and to be the people that
the children themselves aspire to be.
AS A PARTNER WHAT ARE YOU GOOD
AT AND NOT SO GOOD AT?
Good at listening. Not so good at
unprompted romantic gestures.
Agree. However, I’d like to expand
I compare notes with other trusted that the responsibility of that mastery
sources of reference. Even then, it is only a also spans outside of one’s own day, as
relative and practical truth. One that once others’ experiences will also be affected.
established can act as useful information for So due consideration must be taken not
determining future actions and evaluating only to control one’s own view and thus
past actions. I don’t think I’m qualified to experience, but the effect of said view
determine absolute truths for all, whatever which will ultimately manifest through
they may be. one’s actions.
WHERE DO YOU TEND TO GO WHAT HAVE YOU HAD TO DO THAT
IN YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU ARE WAS REALLY DIFFICULT?
WASHING UP OR DOING ANY
Set love free.
MUNDANE CHORES?
If I daydream while doing mundane chores,
I can actually stop in my tracks. So I’m
usually right in there concentrating in the
moment. But if I do stray it can often be a
song in my head. That way I can sing a song
back to contents page
that cradles the idle thoughts without me
concentrating so much on the idle thoughts
themselves that I don’t do the chore
properly and efficiently.

08
16

Dennis
by nicksarebi
DENNIS BERGKAMP WAS MY THIRD
FOOTBALL HERO. IT’S PART OF THE
NATURAL RITE OF PASSAGE FOR A
YOUNG MAN TO BE ON HIS THIRD BY
THE AGE OF 22.
18
Why I Love...
Your first (in my case John Barnes) is the
one you pretend to be in the playground,
imagining that the thud of heavy black
school clogs on your calves is actually that
of the Brazilian defence as your hero goes
on a mazy dribble and nets a last gasp
winner. This is when you truly believe
you’re going to be a footballer, that if you
get out there every day you’re bound to
somehow hone the talent to make it in the
end, so there’s no point in doing any school
work because you’ll be the next John Barnes
and he never did his science homework so
why should you?
Around your mid-teens you’re a little more
worldly-wise. But despite all the evidence
to the contrary - in my case a lack of any
noticeable talent - you still dream, by now
in hope more than genuine belief. Ryan
Giggs had burst onto the scene and was
terrorising defences up and down the
country, but he was 19. Three years older
than me. There was still time.
And by 22, it’s all over. Footballers four
years younger than you are already earning
international caps, driving fast cars, beating
their wives and professing a love for the
music of Craig David. And that’s when you
have no choice but to sit back, admire and
say - “That’s genius. I could NEVER
do that!”
My hero-worship of Bergkamp was born
in the unlikely setting of a dank, dingy flat
in Kirby Cross, Essex in July 1998. Flecks
of the warm afternoon sunlight filtered
through the beige curtains, kept closed on
purpose because I was too miserable for
summer. My girlfriend told me that she
“needed some space”, which turned out
to mean my friend’s admittedly cavernous
bed. My carefree uni days were over. I
was broke, my old summer job at Time
Records wasn’t available anymore because
of the Shed Seven CD frisbee incident, and
I had no idea where my life was going. And
I was drunk - not cheerfully drunk, just fed
up, cantankerous drunk. And then Dennis
Bergkamp scored and suddenly everything
was really great again.
The game was Holland v Argentina, a
World Cup quarter final. The game was a
typical knock-out stage standoff, meandering
tamely towards extra time and penalties.
We had barely taken notice as it flickered
on the screen in the corner. Then Frank
g
de Boer, striding casually out of defence,
launched a raking, 70-yard ball towards
Bergkamp. With an impudent flick of the
right foot he plucked the ball out of the sky,
killed it dead, spun inside the Argentinean
fullback as if he didn’t exist, and jabbed an
unstoppable shot past a helpless Goa. To a
man, the four of us inside that tiny flat rose
to our feet and roared, the hopelessness
of our collective situation momentarily
irrelevant. It was a moment of pure genius
that made you feel privileged to be alive to
see it.
Three years earlier, Bergkamp had already
pricked my consciousness as he lit up
English football when Bruce Rioch plucked
him from an unhappy spell at Inter Milan.
It is often forgotten that his arrival at
Highbury pre-dated Arsene Wenger, the
man rightly credited with transforming
Arsenal from graceless grinders to the most
sophisticated footballing outfit in Europe.
Bergkamp gave Gunners fans a taste of what
they had been missing under a succession
of managers whose ideals were all artisan
and no art. His languid style betrayed a
touch, skill and speed of movement that
bewildered many a defender. It was a thrill
to watch from a distance as clogger after
clogger, intent on following that peculiarly
British tradition of booting the foreign
fancy dan in the air, was left flailing on
his overpaid, talentless arse in
Bergkamp’s wake.
Bergkamp played a pivotal role in a cultural
revolution that swept through the British
game at breakneck speed. Ten years earlier,
football was on its knees as largely third-
rate teams played to half-empty, crumbling
stadiums as all but the diehards disappeared
in their droves. Now, it was the pursuit
of choice right across the social spectrum.
Admiring players like Bergkamp became the
mark of a higher sensibility, like appreciating
the ballet or opera. “Shall we see Don
Giovanni at Covent Garden tonight,
darling?” “Don’t be silly dear, the Gunners
have got Wimbledon tonight and DENNIS
is playing!”
10
As Wenger’s Arsenal danced their way
through the late 90s and early 2000s,
bamboozling sometimes even themselves
with the intricacy of their play and
prompting commentators to wax lyrical
about ‘football as high art’, Dennis
Bergkamp cut an ice-cool, occasionally
peripheral figure. He could go missing to
such an extent that a touch midway through
the match would prompt cries of, “I’d
forgotten he was playing!” Yet he could just
as easily illuminate the dullest of occasions
with genius. Few ever anticipate that a
Wednesday night in Leicester will prove
memorable for anything other than a decent
vindaloo, but I defy anyone better hat-trick
than the one Bergkamp struck at Filbert
Street in 1997.
The pull-down and angled shot that
completed the trio and put Arsenal in front
was sublime and it must have been galling
for him not to leave the pitch a winner that
night. And perfection does not even begin
to describe the best goal of all, an exquisite,
angle-defying pirouette past Newcastle’s
defence in a Premiership match in March
2002. Go to You Tube, watch it and tell me
how, exactly, he did it. I still haven’t been
able to work that out.
Dennis Bergkamp wasn’t always as good
as he could have been. His performances
on the big occasion, cup finals and the like,
rarely lived up to those he could produce
when it mattered less. After scoring that
glorious goal against Argentina he famously
disappeared in the semi final against Brazil,
totally uninvolved as his Dutch team-mates
clung to their World Cup place, finally
losing their grip in the penalty shoot-out.
But somehow that just added to his appeal
and enigma. Bergkamp showed his brilliance
when he wanted to, and you loved it all
the more when he did. And there’s some
comfort for us all in knowing that even
geniuses can’t be arsed sometimes.
David Mitchell.
back to contents page
 21

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Why I hate...
THE GERMAN After plodding around Perth on a recent
NOVELIST AND
sweltering Saturday afternoon shopping
HUMORIST JEAN- for a vacuum cleaner, I was in need of a
PAUL RICHTER
drink. As always the temptation was to
ONCE NOTED THAT make a beeline for the nearest pub, sink
“CHEERFULNESS IS
a pint of the iciest, coldest, beeriest beer
THE ATMOSPHERE available, and head home, my perishing
IN WHICH ALL
thirst quenched, ready to meet dirt and
THINGS THRIVE.”
dust head-on with my new Dyson DC25
FAR BE IT FROM ME
Ball All-Floors Upright (apparently it’s so
TO QUESTION THE
easy to twist and turn around furniture and
WISDOM OF THE obstacles - an end to those missed angles
OLD ROMANTIC, BUT
that have, I’m told, annoyed me for so long.)
WERE HE GRANTED
THE OPPORTUNITY But instead, in a moment of health-
TO VISIT A MODERN- consciousness, I chose a juice bar. My
STYLE JUICE BAR reasons for choosing one of these over the
IN THE BAVARIAN pub were well-intentioned. Fruit and I don’t
particularly get on, and I struggle to work
MOUNTAIN VILLAGES
my way through five pieces a year let alone
OF THE LATE 18TH
the recommended five a day. Vegetables are
CENTURY, HE MIGHT
a different story altogether - I’m far happier
HAVE REVISED HIS
with a potato than a pomegranate, I love a
OPINION.
leek but am fairly lukewarm about lemons.
Enough gratuitous alliteration, you get the
idea. It’s not so much that I don’t like fruit
per se but I’m afflicted by that strange and
common psychological feeling that eating it
is a chore, and I’ve never quite succeeded in
following dieticians’ advice to ‘make eating
right an adventure.’ How exactly? Bungee
jump off a high building with only a banana
and a bunch of grapes for company?
I think not.
22
by uke redmond
So on this basis, a bar that can offer me
a convenient drink or ‘smoothie’, packed
with enough different fruits to keep me
vitaminned up for weeks, topped off with a
shot of liquid grass so rich in goodness that
it makes the dead live again, seems like a
great idea.
And it would be, were it not for the inane
banter that someone has deemed a pre-
requisite of the juice-buying experience. I
do not consider myself a grumpy person by
any means but entering a juice bar turns me
into a curmudgeon. One step inside and I’m
already drowning in a deluge of cheeriness
as black-capped hipsters bounce around
pouring various colours of sludge into the
bright, garish polystyrene cups.
by jeremypullen
My assistant today is Deano, the suffix
‘o’ an obligatory addition as a mere Dean
couldn’t possibly be cool enough to
guide me through my juice ‘experience.’
He announces this by clapping his hands
with glee: “G’day dude, I’m Deano,
whatkinIgetcha?” Having surveyed the menu
at some length my mind is made up but as
I’m about to answer a colleague of Deano’s
clocks on for his shift. “Hey Deano, how
d’yend up last night?”, he shouts across
the counter. “Blotto mate, but hey who
gives a shit? Sun’s out, going to the beach
later, it’s all good mate.” “Which beach
ya going to mate?” “Why, wanna come?”
“Nah, just wanna know which one to avoid
so I don’t have to see you in yer budgie
smugglers!” Cue much mirth. I feel like I’ve
wandered onto the set of an extremely bad
Aussie soap, probably set near a beach and
involving a lot of people whose job all day is
to surf.
My assistant today is Deano, the
suffix ‘o’ an obligatory addition as a
mere Dean couldn’t possibly be cool
enough to guide me through my
juice ‘experience.’
Excuse me. I’d like to buy a juice, please. My juice tastes good and I feel a certain
“Sorry bout that dude, got totally sense of satisfaction that I have put
messed last night.” So I gathered. “So goodness into my body. But the ‘juice
whatkinIgetcha?” I opt for the Mango Mania experience’ is too great an ordeal to repeat
and a dose of wheatgrass to awaken those on a regular basis. By trying to cheer me up,
slumbering organs. Deano and co made me grumpy. Next time
I’ll go with my instincts and head for the
I stand and wait for my order, watching the
pub. They’ve driven me to drink.
chaos unfolding before my eyes as those
crazy, wacky dudes high-five each other
and swap self-deprecating comments at
David Mitchell
the highest possible volume so we can all
share in their hilarity. Every now and then
someone remembers their purpose and
takes a customer’s order, or makes a juice.
But this is all a sideshow as we all came here
for the entertainment, didn’t we?
I wonder whether fruit juices are the new
party drugs. Perhaps the faux-cheeriness is
a clever marketing tool aimed at convincing
us that you can replicate the experience
of ecstasy or speed with a dollop of
passionfruit sorbet, mixed with pineapple
juice and a dash of lemon to finish. Even the
names allude to the mind-altering qualities
of the product. Can mangos really induce
mania? Does Pineapple Passion imply we
don’t need to take cocaine to add some
pizzazz to the sexual experience? Note to
juice marketers: on this basis I reckon a
cumquat-based juice would be a sure-fire
winner. But maybe that’s why you don’t
get the same in-your-face service at, say,
McDonald’s. When you’re feeding people
negligible meat product coated in salt and
sugar-laden sauces, washed down with more
sugar, phosphoric acid and caffeine, there
really isn’t much point in pretending you
feel good. back to contents page
 on
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