Seinfeld "The Pizza Thief" By Eric Mann

INT. DINER-DAY GEORGE and JERRY sit in the usual booth, finishing up their meals looking unsatisfied. JERRY Its the same thing over and over. GEORGE Every time! JERRY What happened in my life where I just wake up in the morning and know, grilled cheese is the safe bet for me! GEORGE Where did we go wrong? JERRY We were two young cool kids back then. GEORGE We were known! JERRY Me for good, you for bad-George bows his head. GEORGE but still known! An unmotivated WAITRESS walks up to table. WAITRESS Is that all? GEORGE Yeah-She slams the bill on the table and walks away. WAITRESS Bye. JERRY What kind of service was that? George looks down in shock at his plate of messy, greasy food.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: GEORGE What happened to us? Twenty years ago I wouldnt have taken that treatment! I would have stormed out! JERRY And yet youre still seating. GEORGE For the last time Jerry, its time to give up on this place. They both exit the booth and pull out their wallets. GEORGE Look at me, like an animal, instinctively giving 15 percent! JERRY (Disgusted) 15 percent?

2.

Jerry throws an extra couple of dollars on the table. George responds to Jerrys pressure by throwing a few more dollars down. Jerry walks away, George follows but quickly and subtly turns, taking a dollar off the table and putting it in his pocket. INT. JERRYS APARTMENT- DAY George is sitting on the couch with a bowl of chips in his lap. Jerry stands looking through his mail by the counter. GEORGE Our daily life is consumed within a five block radius, you know that? Always in the same proximity. The buzzer rings, Jerry clicks the button. JERRY Yeah? ELAINE (Sad) Its me. Jerry buzzes her in. (CONTINUED)

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3.

GEORGE I just have had enough, Jerry. I need something new in my life, something exciting! JERRY Well you did have the chili today. GEORGE --but thats not enough! The door opens and ELAINE comes in wearing a fancy outfit, something that does not fit her usual attire. JERRY Oh no. GEORGE Why are you so dressed up? JERRY (Whispers to George) Its a trap. Elaine sadly looks at them. ELAINE Mike dumped me. Jerry rolls his eyes at George, then turns to Elaine. JERRY And the problem? ELAINE He dumped me, Jerry! ME! I was supposed to break it off with him! He shouldnt have been the dumper! JERRY Well Elaine, you cant always be the dumper. Youre the dumpee. ELAINE Im the dumpee, Jerry, the dumpee! Elaine walks to the bathroom, Jerry nudges George in the arm. GEORGE Whats that for?

(CONTINUED)

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4.

JERRY (Whispers) Thats the outfit! Dont you remember, Elaines "got dumped" outfit? Its the same dress to try and attract a rebound. GEORGE (Whisper) Women have a rebound outfit? Jerry nods at him, but quickly stops when the bathroom door starts jiggling. JERRY Just dont mention it and shell forget about it. GEORGE Ok. Ok. Elaine comes out of the bathroom, readjusting her dress. ELAINE So Jerry, what do you have planned for today? Jerry looks all around the apartment and puts out his arms. JERRY This. GEORGE And its a problem! All we do is just sit here. KRAMER bursts through Jerrys door also dressed nicer than usual. KRAMER Hey Jer-Kramer looks at Elaine recognizing the dress. KRAMER Who dumped you? GEORGE/JERRY Oh no. Elaine rolls her eyes at Kramer.

(CONTINUED)

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5.

KRAMER What? What?! What did I do? JERRY Mike dumped her. KRAMER Oh. JERRY What are you doing here anyways? Arent you supposed to be doing something, somewhere? KRAMER Well, I wanted to borrow an off color blazer and theres one in your closet. JERRY How do you know I have one in my closet? KRAMER I borrowed it last week. Kramer walks in and takes a seat next to George while he eats some chips. Jerry rolls his eyes, looking back through his mail. JERRY So what do you need an off color blazer for? KRAMER Im finally meeting Romeo! GEORGE Who is Romeo? KRAMER My Italian Pen Pal. JERRY Kramer, he lives in the city! He cant be a real pen pal if you live on the same island as the other person. It breaks the unspoken pen pal rules!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: JERRY (To George) He is an Italian America that lives in Little Italy. KRAMER And yet we have never met face to face. GEORGE You havent met in all these years? KRAMER We decided to live by the world of paper and pen, but its become to difficult. Im heading down to Little Italy today to go to meet him for the first time. GEORGE Thats it! Thats it, Jerry! Were coming along too. JERRY I dont want to go to big Italy, whyd you think I would want to go to a little one? GEORGE (Serious) Both you and I are resisting change, we have become so normal, so mundane that a small, miniature, difference shifts our earth upside down! Well, I need an earthquake baby! KRAMER Elaine dressed as lovely as you do, you might catch the eye of a local Italian. JERRY An Italian, New Yorker! Elaine ponders for a moment. ELAINE Yeah, they will do. KRAMER Thats the spirit. Kramer goes to Jerrys bedroom.

6.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: KRAMER(O.S) You know, were very lucky we dont need a passport, I lost mine last vacation.

7.

Kramer comes back wearing the blazer. Elaine, Jerry, and Kramer walk towards the door. GEORGE Whered you go? KRAMER China Town. Kramer walks out the door followed by George. EXT. LITTLE ITALY SIDEWALK- DAY Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer walk on a narrow sidewalk finding it difficult to walk in a line together. JERRY The sidewalks are too narrow. I feel claustrophobic. ELAINE Oh great. They all walk by a car parked, while at the same time as a COUPLE. While trying to pass by, they all squeeze into a cluster, elbowing each other. Kramers hand accidentally brushes the womans chest. KRAMER Mi Scuse. EXT. TONYS FAMOUS PIZZA- MOMENTS LATER The four stand in front of TONYS FAMOUS PIZZA, looking up at the generic pizza sign. JERRY For such a sensitive occasion where your meeting your life long pen pal, you chose a pizzeria? KRAMER I hear its what the locals eat. An ITALIAN HANDSOME MAN with slicked black hair, smiles at Elaine as he walks into the Pizzeria. (CONTINUED)

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8.

JERRY George, is this good enough for you? GEORGE What the hell, I love pizza, Im gonna get pizza. KRAMER Im waiting for Romeo inside. Kramer walks in. ELAINE And Im gonna go in there too. Elaine smiles and walks in. JERRY Alright, lets go. Jerry holds the door for an OLDER MAN that just arrived, letting him walk in first. JERRY (Whisper to George) Not even a thank you. INT. TONYS DINING AREA-MOMENTS LATER Elaine and Kramer are sitting at a table in the corner. The Italian man walks back looking around at all of the tables. Elaine looks at him, and he looks back, not noticing Kramer. KRAMER Romeo? Romeo snaps out of his gaze with Elaine. ROMEO (Italian accent) Mr. Kramer? Kramer stands and looks him up and down. KRAMER Youre exactly how I imagined you. Romeo looks at Kramers face, up to the top of his hair.

(CONTINUED)

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9.

ROMEO As I did you, Mr. Kramer. KRAMER Please, take a seat, this is my friend Elaine. She blushes. KRAMER She was just dumped today. She scolds Kramer. ROMEO How could a beautiful thing be treated so poorly? She blushes again. INT. TONYS PIZZERIA- LATER ON George and Jerry are standing on line behind the old man that they let in who is next on line. JERRY So does this suffice as a big enough change for you, different part of the city, different pizzeria? George puts up his index finger as he speaks. GEORGE The perfect Sicilian slice will make all in the world right. George leans over and watches Tony take a fresh Sicilian pie out of the oven and cut it. GEORGE There, Jerry! George points at a slice. GEORGE The one to the right of the middle. JERRY Which middle?

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10.

GEORGE The middle middle. JERRY The second row middle? GEORGE Yes, the second row middle. Only one side of golden brown crust that allows you to perfectly hold the thing of beauty. George stares at the pizza as if they are new born babies in the hospital. TONY walks over to the pizza and takes the piece George was looking at, and hands it to the old man. JERRY Hey George look, hes stealing your slice. George walks over towards the old man and taps him on the shoulder. GEORGE Excuse me, hello, hi. I was just talking to my friend about that exact slice. To me it seems a little odd that you would choose the same exact slice as I when there is a whole pie. OLD MAN I know, I heard you. You wet my appetite for it. The old man starts to walk away, leaving George shocked. GEORGE But that was my slice! You cant just order what I was having cause then I cant have what I was having! JERRY Here we go. TONY Hey, whats the problem here? GEORGE I was telling my friend which slice I wanted to buy, and he just bought it. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: The old man takes a seat by the front window. TONY He ordered first. GEORGE But we were here before him! We held the door open to be nice, to let him in and we didnt even get a thank you! JERRY No thank you! TONY Do you want a different piece? GEORGE (Disappointed) Just give me a corner slice! JERRY Two plain for me. GEORGE Can you believe that guy? What a jerk! JERRY I can believe it, because were in Little Italy. We should have just stayed and went to the Diner. What were we thinking? I dont like change! GEORGE Im gonna have to get him back. JERRY Why cant you just let it go? GEORGE He took my slice? We held the door open for him. JERRY I held the door open-GEORGE Yeah whatever! I gotta think of something.

11.

The two of them get there slices and walk towards the dining area.

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INT. TONYS DINING AREA-MOMENTS LATER Elaine and Romeo are deep in conversation, Kramer looks upset, sitting alone as the third wheel. George and Jerry walk over with the pizza. Kramer excitedly gets up to pull them down, sitting in between Romeo and Elaine. KRAMER George! Jerry! Great to have you back. Romeo, these are my friends George and Jerry. ROMEO So you are Jerry? Kramer has written all about you? JERRY Oh did he? Romeo looks Jerry up and down and turns to Kramer. ROMEO You were right. Kramer breaks out in laughter, and Jerry looks at him mortified. JERRY What did you say? KRAMER Dont worry about it. George, why did you get a corner Sicilian slice? ROMEO Always the middle row. JERRY Dont ask. George is racking his brain. Finally, he snaps his finger and looks up at everyone. GEORGE I got it. Ill be right back. George gets up and walks to the front room. Romeo looks at Kramer.

(CONTINUED)

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13.

ROMEO Mr. Kramer, if you would not mind, I would like to take Elaine on a romantic day around Little Italy. He turns to Elaine. ROMEO Would you like that, Madame? He takes her hand. Kramer starts to break down. KRAMER But, I thought you were here for me? ROMEO I came for the pizza, I left for her. He stands up and takes Elaines hand, for her to follow. KRAMER But-- Romeo. Romeo? Kramer puts his head down on the table. JERRY Hey buddy, cheer up. Its going to be ok. Jerry consoles him. INT. FRONT ROOM-MOMENTS LATER George is holding a soda while he walks over to the old man who sits alone. GEORGE Excuse me, sir? OLD MAN It wasnt your slice. GEORGE I know, and I am here to apologize for my actions. Please take this soda, its the least I can do. OLD MAN Yeah, well good thing you did something. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: He snatches the soda out of Georges hand, leaving him watching. GEORGE Arent you going to say something? OLD MAN Let me eat my meal in peace. GEORGE No, how about a thank you? I did a nice deed, it should be recognized! OLD MAN Youre making up for a mistake, you should thank me for accepting YOUR apology! George gets irritated. GEORGE Say, thank you! OLD MAN No. INT. TONYS DINING AREA-MOMENTS LATER Kramer is crying, Jerrys enjoying his slice of pizza. GEORGE(O.S) Say thank you! OLD MAN No! JERRY George?

14.

Kramer picks up his head, and follows Jerry to the front room. INT. FRONT ROOM-CONTINUOUS George is trying to rip the metal plate with a half eaten slice on it out of the old mans hand. The pizza pops off the plate and goes flying through the room, landing on the floor! Tony leans over the pizza display, looking at the mess.

(CONTINUED)

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15.

TONY Get out! EXT. LITTLE ITALY SIDEWALK- DAY Elaine and Romeo are hand in hand, arm in arm, as they walk down the street. ROMEO Oh Elaine, my eyes cant believe what beauty I see, that dress. ELAINE (Dreamy) Oh, Romeo. EXT. LITTLE ITALY SIDEWALK-DAY Jerry, Kramer, and George walk down the street. GEORGE Where else can we go out to eat? KRAMER Who cares! GEORGE Whats wrong with him? JERRY Romeo dumped him for Elaine. George shakes his head. KRAMER I was so good to him! JERRY How about some Gelato? It will make you feel better! KRAMER Well, I do like gelato. JERRY Great! Jerry searching his surroundings.

(CONTINUED)

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16.

JERRY In Little Italy Im guessing there should be one on every-- Ah there it is. They walk towards the Gelato store on the corner of the street. EXT. DIFFERENT STREET SIDEWALK- DAY Elaine and Romeo walk together arm in arm. Romeos eyes are glued to her dress. ROMEO I just cant believe that dress, it is pure beauty. ELAINE Oh, Romeo. INT. GELATO STORE- DAY Jerry, George and Kramer sit in the cramped gelato store, each licking their own gelato cone. JERRY So Kramer, are you feeling better? KRAMER (Like a child) Yeah. JERRY Good, Im proud of you, buddy. KRAMER I know. While Kramer licks his gelato cone, a woman walks in wearing the same dress as Elaine. JERRY (Whispers) Hey look, that woman is wearing the same outfit as Elaine. You think she is single? The old man walks by the store which catches Georges attention.

(CONTINUED)

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17.

GEORGE Hey! There goes the pizza thief! George gets up to quickly, accidentally tripping on his on feet. The gelato flies out of his cone and SPLATTERS all over the woman getting on her dress.. WOMAN Ahhh! GEORGE Im so sorry! I tripped, Im sorry! WOMAN You got Gelato all over my dress! Jerry stands to intervene. JERRY Im sorry for my friend here, he is a little bit of a clutz. Im Jerry. She smirks. WOMAN Juliet. George starts to use his wet napkin to clean the stain. JERRY George! GEORGE Im sorry, I can get it out. He puts his hand under her dress making her squeal. JERRY George! Jerry slaps his hand forcing George to drop the napkin. Jerry takes a deep breath and pulls out his wallet. JERRY Please, let me pay for your gelato, Juliet. They walk towards the gelato display and Juliet gets a cone.

(CONTINUED)

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18.

JERRY Do you want to get out of here? She cant wait to get away from George and pulls his hand towards the door. KRAMER Jerry, where are you two going? JERRY Oh Kramer, I think were going to go for a walk. KRAMER Youre leaving me too? JERRY Im sorry Kramer, its just. He gestures at Juliet and they both walk out the store. KRAMER (To George) I guess its just us two buddy. GEORGE If I leave now I can still catch up with the old guy. Kramer grabs on to Georges arm. KRAMER Dont leave me! GEORGE Im sorry Kramer, I have to. Kramer resists letting go of Georges arm, but George finally gets him to release. Kramer sits alone for a moment licking the last of his gelato cone. The GELATO EMPLOYEE walks up to Kramer and starts to pull him out of the seat. EMPLOYEE No single person at the tables! Get up, you cant sit here by yourself! Standing room outside only! In the window Elaine and Romeo walk passed.

(CONTINUED)

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19.

KRAMER Romeo? They stop, look inside and see Kramer struggling as he is being thrown out, but quickly walk past. KRAMER Romeo? Kramer runs out the door. EXT. GELATO STORE-CONTINUOUS He stand outside and see Elaine and Romeo walking away briskly. He falls to his knees. KRAMER (Yelling towards the sky) Romeo! INT. CAFE- DAY Jerry and Juliet sit at a cafe sipping on cappuccinos. JERRY Nothings better than a cup of coffee after some good gelato. JULIET Its a cappuccino. JERRY Whatever... thats a lovely dress, its a Betsy Lane Fall collection correct? Juliet seems impressed. JULIET How did you know? JERRY Lucky guess. Jerry takes a sip of his coffee.

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EXT. SIDE WALK- DAY George walks down a street looking for the old man. He gets to a corner, stops, looks every direction, finally deciding to proceed to the left. EXT. SIDE WALK- DAY Kramer is walking alone on the side walk when he accidentally bumps into the old man. KRAMER Im so sorry about that. Kramer stands up and gives the old man a hand to stand up at the same time George walks up. OLD MAN You tackled me! He notices George and points at him. OLD MAN You, you did this to me on purpose! Get out of here before I call the police! KRAMER What? What! It was an accident! OLD MAN Help! Help! George runs away in fright leaving Kramer alone. INT. CAFE- DAY Jerry and Juliet are laughing. A waitress walks Elaine and Romeo to the table right next to them. ELAINE Jerry? JERRY Elaine. JULIET Romeo?

(CONTINUED)

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21.

ROMEO (America Accent) Juliet. JERRY Romeo-ELAINE and Juliet? Romeo is taken aback by Juliets beauty. ROMEO Juliet, that dress looks amazing on you. JULIET Oh, Romeo! ROMEO I should have never broken up with you. Juliet turns to Jerry. Elaine is breathless, staring at Rome. Finally she snaps out of her gaze. ELAINE Well, there goes my fantasy. Jerry and Elaine sit looking at each other as Romeo and Juliet grab each others hand and leave. Jerry and Elaine, unfazed, stare at each other. JERRY So, you want to go to the diner? ELAINE Yep! They both stand up and walk out the door. INT. DINER- NIGHT Jerry and Elaine sit inside there usual booth sipping his coffee. JERRY This is much better, MUCH BETTER. I cant believe George talked me into going.

(CONTINUED)

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22.

ELAINE Im still a dumpee. I was this close to becoming the dumper again! JERRY At least we got dumped together. ELAINE That does make me happy.. Jerry, rises his coffee cup in a motion of a CHEERS, taking a sip. George anxiously walks into the diner, happy and relieved to see them. GEORGE Thank god. George takes a seat next to Elaine and across from Jerry. JERRY How could you talk me into leaving my 5 block radius? I know the radius, the radius was put up for a reason! I would never give up the comfort of a grilled cheese sandwich, never, NEVER! GEORGE Im sorry, Jerry. JERRY What ended up happening to you? I saw you running. ELAINE You didnt say anything. JERRY (Re:Elaine) Didnt feel like it. Elaine understands. GEORGE It was the old man from Tonys. Kramer walks in, happy as can be, greeting the guys in the booth.

(CONTINUED)

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23.

KRAMER Hello everybody! He takes a seat. JERRY Last I saw of you, you were whimpering? Whats changed? KRAMER Well you know Romeo? Kramer waits for them to reply as if they wouldnt remember who he was. GEORGE/ELAINE/JERRY Yeah! KRAMER That wasnt the real Romeo! That was Little Romeo, Romeos son. They tilt there heads in shock. JERRY This is unbelievable. Jerry snaps his fingers. JERRY What did you write about me in the letters? Kramer laughs to himself and pretends to zip his mouth shut, throwing away the key. GEORGE How did you figure this out? Kramer looks George straight in the eyes. The doors to the diner swing open and in comes the real Romeo, the old man. OLD MAN/ROMEO Mr. Kramer Georges face drops when he turns around and see the old man. OLD MAN/ROMEO You?

(CONTINUED)

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24.

GEORGE No thank you. Fade out The end.