Kapila 1920 1998 God is no friend of who dont work. He is happy who relays less on God.

. Tantra is no path, it is life. Tantra is a triangle of Freedom, Fearlessness and Wisdom. It is thrilling to see war news. But only the brave can fight the battle.

I was studying Sanskrit at Udupi. During the leave, as per the wish of my friend I visited Kerala. Relative of my friend was having a hotel business but he was also a famous Mantrik in that area. Me and my friend Ganapathi Bhatta went to their house. Kottayam is a very beautiful town. We reached there at noon. Relative Sri Ramana Pandit had built a very good house. When we reached their portico Pandit was happy to see Ganapathi and welcomed me as well. We had bath and mid day meals. I observed that Pandit was pacifying someone who came to him. After that we enquired about us. Ganapathi replied He is very much interested in your skills, however he is hasty enough to tell that all this is a myth. Pandit smiled and replied it is their individual view. He was a filled pot. His voice was polite and speech was limited. Next day we sat for meals at 12 noon. When I started towards dining room, the wall clock rang 12 times. I counted them too. Ganapathi who was having a wrist watch has commented on the wall clock. He cursed his wrist watch which was inaccurate. Pandit had challenged Ganapathi about the discipline and strength comparing himself to the wall clock. We were having the meals with chit-chatting. We were five, Ganapathi, Pandit, myself a relative of Pandit and Pandits father. Pandits father was also a Sanskrit scholar. He had a medal called Parichaanana the in Logic. All the others had curd-rice and got up. I was watching them getting up. But I did not feel to get up. I did not even feel that it is not manners to sit on the dining for long. I had some food in my hand. But I did not feel that I should eat it. Finally I got up, washed my hand and came out. The disciplined wall clock was showing time 3-45 p.m. Pandit has offered me a cup of coffee while he was having one. Ganapathi was smiling at me. That Night Pandit told that he used Stambhana on me. I was very curious and asked him whether one needs any preparation or can one use this at will. Pandit felt the hurry behind my question and told smiling. It depends on the quality of mantrik. It also depends on whom it is used. I cant use it on a Siddha as I used on you. It depends on the strength of Mantrik and weakness of the other person.

I had many doubts. I thought this is his speech. I wanted to check the vidya

and whether it was spontaneous. I asked him whether you can use it on Ganapathi now. Pandit turned towards Ganapathi who was holding the book Kiraataarjuneeya. Ganapathi sat quite even without turning the pages. He also used it on a dog walking through the portico. I asked pandit. Dont think otherwise, There are people who show magic on the roads show these types of tricks some time. Is that possible they also know this vidya ? Pandit replied why not ? Goddesss Saraswati is the child of who call upon her. So it is quite possible few of them have this vidya. After couple of days I asked pandit again whether everyone can learn this. Pandit replied that everyone can learn this who wishes so. I asked him back people say it is very secret ? Pandit replied: Scriptures say all vidyas are to be kept secret. But they also impose that dont send one back empty handed if one is eligible. Secret means it is not to be used wherever or on whomever. Even when scriptures say it secret, there is no limit to its misuse. And people will also have the consequences who misuse it. I begged Pandit for this vidya. Our leave was over. Ganapathi was in a hurry to return. I asked him to proceed. I stayed back yearning for the vidya. Once I asked pandit very clearly whether he would teach me. Pandit asked me why do you need this. I replied, no just like that, if one has such vidya he can be confident. It would also help his development. Pandit replied your desire is ok. But development using this vidya is quite impossible. Person who develops this vidya cannot develop himself. One has to build a tomb of self development to learn this. I asked him is it really impossible to grow one learns this and Pandits reply was may be one in few thousands.

I was ready to face any consequences and asked Pandit do you think I fall if I learn this.

Pandit replied your strength is in your heart. Why do you invite a ghost of the street ? The vidya learnt with right path will last long. Why you desire the left path ? I replied, somehow I am lured by this. If my fall is predetermined ? Please teach me the vidya.

After few days Pandit took me to the nearby village. It was evening. A Brahmin was sitting on the veranda in front of the house. A shawl on the shoulder and a small cloth around the waist. Elderly face. Padit saluted him and I also followed. Pandit introduced me. That Brahmin replied to Pandit where is Udupi, where is this village? I think he was destined. He turned at me and told growing boys should not lure for these things. I replied, If it is a vidya, trying for it also quite normal. If I am not eligible, I go back. But if I am Brahmin replied it is her wish. She only has to save you from falling and give strength of walking. He told Pandit to let me stay with him till Thursday. Pandit returned home. That Brahmins name was Bhaskara Bhatta. I stayed with him. With his behavior I came to know that he is very polite and compassionate. Once a person came to him for some solution and wanted to tell his problem but was hesitating because of my presence. He replied, this is not my home, This is temple of my vidya. There is no secrets here. If you still hesitate you can go back. Then the person explained his problem. Bhaskara suggested some solution. After he left Bhaskara told me, my vidya is not a bhootasiddhi. This also can be achieved by worshiping ghosts. There are people who have done this. In the nearby forest there is a person named Kesari Bhatta. He is expert in

bhootasiddhi. Somehow this the grace of mother. I got it from worshiping Ashwini Devathas. Mother has protected me till now. For next three four days Bhaskara tried to change my mind. But I was firm. One night I was still on the bed. Bhaskara woke me up and told to have a bath and come to the pooja room. I did so and entered the pooja room. Bhaskara was meditating. In front of him there was a lamp lit with coconut oil. There was a small silver stick getting heated on the flame of the lamp. I went inside and stood there. After some time Bhaskara sprinkled some water on the ground, performed digbandhana and asked me to sit. Bhaskar took the hot silver stick and pinned it on to my spine. It was very much paining but I did not care. Bhaskar sat in front of me and ordered to see into his eyes. If you take away your eyes I will pin them with this silver stick. I got alert and started looking into his eyes. I could not tolerate the heat of them. My eyes started dropping tears and with the heat it was also evaporating. Then I dont know what happened. His eyes were like moonlight to me. I lost myself. When I woke up he was applying honey to my wrist and bandaging it. Looking at my curios eyes he replied it was a roudhira deeksha. This prevents many falls happening because of siddhi. This procedure is used in many maha siddhis. I was astonished and speechless. After the deeksha, I followed the instructions. I gained stambhana siddhi in just nine days. While finishing 11 days procedure, Bhaskara blessed me with his palm on my head. First three days I was in complete fast. Then I was on lime jucie , honey and water. I was chanting the nine lettered mantra given by him every day for 9,000 times. This was my ritual. On 12th day I asked him what is the upaadaana (in return) to the siddhi. Laughing at me he replied your wickedness. He continued and told your determination and faith are the upaadaana. Your strength is helping it. I asked him I did not have faith in the mantra japa at the beginning. What is the use of chanting without faith ?

He replied. Remember correctly. If your prana is not aligned with japa, siddhi is void. Remember the state of your mind. He continued if one is determined and gets initiation he cannot be without faith. Your japa was active. Remember your state. At the end of three days person feels his progress and continues. One cannot say only japa is the cause of siddhi. This is a total activity. Some actions would have worked and some would not. I asked him whether all these activities were really necessary for stambhana siddhi. He replied I have seen people who acquired this siddhi without guru and initiation. But their ways, capabilities and actions are different. Next day I left seeking permission from Bhaskara. My heart was heavy with thankfulness. He cautioned me. Be alert about what you take away. Let your mind not get into silly desires. Protect the vidya. If possible and if you find appropriate improve it. I told please excuse me. I will not misuse this which you have granted with mercy. If you have little doubt I would surrender it back. He replied dont get into apprehension. If you grow, one day you will have to surrender this. Wherever you are and when you feel it useless surrender with proper ritual. I returned.

While returning back I was thinking about the celibacy. I thought it would give strength to one to progress in the spiritual path. One of the rules of celibacy was to see mother in all females. I was puzzled how to see mother in all females and was thinking about the properties of a mother. Oh, I can make out, mother means who is at home, punishes us frequently, and puts us in a fix in front of father. So she is an administrative element. So I could not see her in all females.

When I returned to Udupi, I was welcomed with a police search warrant. I was very violent in the childhood. At that time there was a movement called freedom fight was going on. I joined it not for the nation, but to express my violent behavior. People around me were thinking that I was betting my life for the nation. So I was listed with the police, and had to escape from my home. When I was wandering reached Udupi and came to know that there is free food and shelter provided for those who study Sanskrit. So I joined with a false name of Anantha Padmanabha. The principal had asked for a certificate from my village, which I had forged and given. Thus I got an entry to learn Sanskrit at Udupi. But Police had a suspicion that I am around Udupi and issued a search warrant. I came to know about this and escaped from there immediately. I went on place to place by walk. I reached Poona, then went to Sholapur and came to Gulbarga by walk. I think it was the fifth day I did not had food. Somehow I reached a temple of Shiva and slept there with hunger and tiredness. After some time I heard someone calling me. Sir, take these. I thought it may not be for me. I could not open my eyes, could not open my lips. Then I heard a repeated sound, tried opening my eyes and saw feet of a female. She told me again Sir, take these. I could not remove my eyes from her feet and after a long time, finally could see her. Young Lady with wedlock in toes, Silk Saree, Wedding chain in the neck and Kumkum at the forehead. Take these bananas she offered me. I was about to take them but somehow hesitated. I replied her. O lady, it looks you are from a good family. If you offer me all bananas of prasad, it would be a problem for you at home. She heard it went out to get a dozen bananas from the shop and offered me. I was in a very pitiable state of hunger and tiredness. When I thought about my disgraceful condition and she is a female, it suddenly flashed my mind. Oh, I can now see the properties of mother. Mother means who gives us when we are in need even when we say no!

After wandering for few months I decided to surrender. So I appeared in front of Bijapur Police. I was taken into custody and was put in jail. For persons seeking self development, there is no good place than jail. After 10 months of trial, court declared I was no guilty which I was not. I did not know what to do when came out. I had tasted Sanskrit in Udupi. Sanskrit has a type of intoxication. One who tastes gets addicted to it. So I decided to continue my study in Ujjain and went there. I was given shelter by a Marwari Family whom I met in the train. Few days later, I approached the principal of the Sanskrit school. He saw me along with the reference letter I had taken. From which place are you? He asked. Bijapur was my reply. How can I believe you are a Brahmin? He asked me. I said, if you have any tests I am ready. He was annoyed by my reply. He refused me that you people south to Vindhya mountains are no

I decided not to receive such conditioned teaching. I stayed there with Marwari family for few more days. I was thinking about the Ujjain as described by Kalidasa in the Meghadoota. Where is that Ujjain, where is this old town? One evening I was spending time on the bank of Shipra River. It was almost getting dark. There were two roads going on opposite sides. I was thinking which way to go? If one has a head it should direct the legs or legs will take the head the way they move. Suddenly I heard a voice, Go kiss the feet of Purana Devathas. By the time I realized what was happening, a person moved away very fast in one of the ways. I tried to follow him but he vanished in the dark. I continued on the same path and went on for couple of hours hoping that I would find him. It took me out of the town. After walking for some more time I could see a light. When reached it was a lamp lit in a small old temple. I thought it right to spend the night there and slept in the temple.

I was awakened with some sound near the idol. Slowly opened the eyes. Now there were few more lamps lit in front of the idol. And I saw a naked lady there. What a beauty, I think she just had the bath. Water was dripping from her hair which were long up to buttocks. That time she turned back at me. I suddenly realized about the celibacy and closed my eyes. Look at me she ordered. I was speechless. Her voice rose Look at me. Now I had to respond. With a feeble voice I replied, I cant see you. Why? She shouted. I told my vow of Celibacy does not permit me. She came out and slapped me. You close your eyes and still see me in the mind? Open them. I replied with a trembling voice I can only see mother in females. So I cant see you. Another slap. Idiot, what is your celibacy, If it gets spoiled just by seeing at woman, why are you holding on to? Can you control the lust by tightening the cloth? If you cant see mother in the woman in front of you, where else can you see? There was a paradigm shift in my thinking and I realized she would not leave me. So I opened the eyes. My right eye was seeing her part by part while the left eye was seeking mother in her. I thought right would win. But the mind behaves in front of strong people. So I could imagine mother in her and fell on to her feet. She lifted me and asked again. See clearly do you see a woman or mother in me? Remember I can read your mind. I again fell on to her feet and replied I can clearly see mother in you. She lifted me again and patted my back and told yes, I can see it. She pulled me out of the temple. There another man was standing naked. She told This boy looks eligible, we should give him. He replied Though Bhairavi, you still have feminineness in you. Why should we entertain? If we go on doing like this, what will be our population?

He turned at me and asked can you consume liquor? I said if necessary. Can you eat meat? I asked are these really necessary? He replied, one should have indifference about the things. One who rejects the meat will not get Ahara siddhi. One, who rejects liquor, will not have Samadhi siddhi. One, who rejects the union of couple, will not experience the oneness. Bhairavi asked me to take bath and come naked showing me a pond nearby the temple. I followed her instructions. We three moved to the nearby grave yard. The man guided us to a burning pyre. Bhairavi asked me to sit. I did aachamana with liquor and she applied ash to my body and did digbandhana. Then she asked me to open my mouth, put her tongue deep inside and removed. They continued the ritual. On their instruction I pulled out the boiling corpse, separated the head with knife and put back the body into the pyre again. I split open the skull into two and kept one each in front of them. Bhairavi put some white thing from the skull into my mouth which I swallowed. They also did the same, finished the ritual and walked away. I returned towards Ujjain. After many days I realized I was initiated in Vishuddhi.

went back to the Marwari family at Ujjain. Told them I have to leave. They gave me some money to return. I came down and was roaming near Bellary. I had gone behind may so called Gurus. Most of them were fake. Many of them were just Tapsiwalas and rest of them were members of ganja society. One day I met a Maharaj from the North. He did not know any southern languages, Sanskrit also very little. Was speaking only Hindi. He was very harsh and very soft at times. By wandering we came to a place Adavani in Andhra.

I remember that was the full moon day of May. There was a big lake outside the town. Seeing that lake, I told Maharaj let us stay here today. I begged for food in the town and we both had it. Maharaj was spending six to 8 hours in meditation. I knew because it was a full moon day, Maharaj had a special pooja in the night. I asked Maharaj to take some rest and pressed his legs for relaxation. It was midnight. Maharaj was in the lake for the worship. I was drowsing at the side. He suddenly called me, Beta, come here. I got awaken and when to him. He asked me to do achamana and showed me to the west. See there, Vahnivasini Goddess is coming. There was moon light. Even the nearby things were not visible clearly. I could not see anything and told the same to Maharaj. Then, you are a sadhak, you want siddhis, idiot, lazy. Another person should even give you eyes to see. Then he pushed his right thumb between my eyebrows. Maharaj had moved forward. He asked me did you see her on a fire cot ? I wide opened my eyes. Cound not see any fire cot. I imagined just a cot. Maharaj told every one will see as much as he is eligible. Telling that he pulled my last finger. In fraction of a time she appeared and then again nothing. I collapsed. Maharaj did not care for me and moved forward. She was coming toward us. Maharaj prostrated to her, and asked me idiot, salute her. I also prostrated. Then Maharaj told her, your fire form is terrible, but your present form is wonderful. Saying this Maharaj washed her feet and sprinkled the water on to him and myself. She placed her right palm on to Maharajs head and told. Son, if you just wander like a donkey, you wont get anything. Maharaj told her to pardon and he will continue in his path.

Looking at me, she came near and patted my back. Boy, one day mother will come and stay with you. Keep yourself happy even while wearing the garland of sorrow. Thus wishing, she went back with the cot. I was tired, Maharaj layed down in shavasana. I also slept there only. After couple of days, we came to Hampi. We selected a cave for our stay. Maharaj told me. Beta, I will sit here for some time. You pass time as you wish. I knew if Maharaj sits for meditation, he takes hours. I went to the nearby village and begged for food. I took it and came back to our place. I was very hungry but as a rule I cannot eat before my guru eats. I thought Maharaj should get up fast. Whenever his breath gets fast I think he will get up now. Then I went for a walk expecting that on my return he would have got up. Still Not.. I thought, What is this Maharaj, Cant he continue meditation after having food. I was pressing in my mind in all the possible ways for Maharaj to get up. Finally he got up. Got up and busted on me. I thought I had no family. But you are more than that. If you were so hungry, you should have eaten first. Then he called me come let us have food. While meditating you should not call like that. I told him I did not call you. He again busted, donkey, Cant I hear your mind. If you do so many sounds like that, can I meditate peacefully? Then on another occasion he told me that it was his weakness, as he should not have cared for me. He continued : Beta, you are lured with Siddhis. One who is behind them should know at least how to control the hunger. I jumped up and asked him. Maharaj, can you grant me some? Maharaj told. Beta, you should not go behind Siddis. They are obstacles to the self development. In couple of day you will hear the fate of people who earned them.

One day I came down from the hills, walked for some time near the river and went back. Maharaj was just getting out of the Meditation. I saluted him. He told me, I will go down till the river. I was sitting alone. Suddenly a person appeared in front of me crying thirst, burning, thirst I gave him some water from Maharajs pot. He stood at the side. After some time, Maharaj returned. The Man fell on to the feet of Maharaj and asked to save him. Let us call him Krutyaka. Maharaj called me. See this Krutyaka, see the fate of his siddhi ! I could not make out anything. Krutyaka cried again, Swamiji, I cant bear this pain and burning, please save me. I think Maharaj had soft corner for him and shouted. Go to the river, take bath and come. There is an iron ring in your ear. Remove it. You cannot remove it easily, tear out the ear and remove. Krutyaka saluted Maharaj and rushed to the river. When he was back, Maharaj lit firewood and placed on the ground. When krutyaka arrived naked, Maharaj sprinkled water from the pot and gave him a cloth. Told him, if you have repentance fall on to my feet and promise. Then you will be let lived. Tell this boy know what you did. Krutyaka replied, Maharaj, I want to forget everything. Why you want the sin to come on to my tongue again? Maharaj shouted. Sin, Sin? Did you not know it then? Tell all the people hundred times what you have done. Maharaj ordered me. This dog has not eaten since three days. Put some food in front of him. I took some cooked rice from the bag and put in front of him. He ate it, washed hands and came back.

Maharaj shouted again to tell his story. Krutyaka started: Salute to Maharajs feet and salute to the fortunate who listens this. I was a womanizer, son of a Landlord of nearby village. Had tasted many by the strength of money. To satisfy myself I wanted to learn vasheekaran. I heard of a black magician and went to him. See the series of misfortune. That magicians house was very dirty that people like me could not stay, but because of the lure I stayed. The magician agreed to teach me and the next day was the new moon. Next day we took batch. He killed a crow and decorated my head with its feathers. Applied its blood onto my body. We had liquor and meat. I kept having liquor till evening. At around 11 in the night, we went to the nearby grave yard. He removed a just buried corpse and took it to a tamarind tree nearby a stream. He tied it upside down to the tree. Pushed a spoon in its mouth and placed a lemon in the spoon. He went to the stream to take bath and asked me to do so. When we were back he did not talk. He chanted a mantra and beaten the corpse five times with a whip. Afterwards he handed over the whip to me. I started chanting the mantra and beaten the corpse continuously. I think it was nearing 3 in the morning. The lemon fell from the spoon. The man shouted Jai Bhadra Rudra Kali and hugged me. I saluted to his feet. He took the lemon and some hair from the corpse, tied it to my shoulder and declared me siddha. Some water please. Krutyaka asked. I gave water and told very horror full. He continued. No sir, this is not horror. What I did afterwards is more horrorful. I pulled each and every woman I lusted. After some time, I was fed up of enjoying them and started selling them for money. No Demon would have done the sin what I did. One day the Maharaj identified me and took away my siddhi. From then on, the families affected by me are using magic for revenge. Somehow I am alive because of grace of Maharaj. Maharaj pardoned him and Krutyaka went away.

Maharaj decided to stay for some more time in Hampi. My destiny took me away towards north.

My search did not stop. By wandering I went to a place called Parali. For believers it is a Jyotirlinga. I came searching for a shelter to a Samarth Mandir. A sage of Chaitanya tradition also had come there with his small troop. I had no likes for these swamis. That day was the birthday of Lord Krishna. Swami had arranged Bhajan followed by Pooja. Swami started the Bhajan. Atathiyudhbhavaanahni kaananam, trutiryugaayate twaamapashyataam His voice attracted me. I went very near to the bhajan. Swami was singing with the feeling from the heart which I could make out. Swami was singing the Gopi Geetha. Swami was not singing, I wide opened my eyes; it was the parted Gopi singing. After Gopi Geetha, it was Gita Govinda. Dheerasameere Yamunaateere, vasati vane vanamaalee Gopee peenapayodhara mardana chanchala karayuga shaalee I tried to come out of the song for a moment, but could not. I saw at my chest. Even I was feeling like Gopi. I had read all these songs many times. The soil cannot be wet just because it is raining. Soil should have the capacity and preparation to hold the water in it. When I read them as a study, had no feeling of it. A new eligibility came from hearing the self experience of the Swami. For some time I had lost the track, now again hearing his voice. I think it is from Krishna Karnamrutha. Ayi, Murali mukunda smeravaktraaravinda, kathaya madhurasajne, maddashaam nandasoonoh

Swami brings his flute towards his eyes requesting it to tell the fate of Gopi to Krishna. Then again Geeta Govinda: Lalitalavanga lathaaparisheelana komala Malaya sameere Now Swami danced like Radha. I did not see Radha in his dance since I did not have the eyes to taste the dance. For the energy to manifest, a powerful and acceptable medium is required. I was wide open to his songs. I opened up my heart and fully enjoyed his Bhajan. Finally, Maabheermandamano vichintya bahudhaa yaameeshvaramyaatanaa Yaameenaprabhavanti paaparipavah swamee nanu shreedharah Aalasyam vyapaneeya bhaktisulabham dhyaayasva Naaraayanam Lokasya vyasanaapanodanakaro daasasya kim na kshamah (O, Idiot mind, dont get afraid by thinking in many ways. Krishna is the lord who can destroy all your worries. Not being lazy, pray the Narayana who is easy for Bhakti. Is he not capable of removing worries of a servant, when he does it for the worlds?) Swami touched his forehead to the feet of the idol. I also had the same experience. I had seen bhaktas but did not see bhakti until now. When I opened eyes, my mind was thinking about it. When I closed the eyes I was feeling it. After completing the whole pooja, Swami gave a small speech to the gathering about bhakti. I thought it was a futile attempt of explaining his one pointed experience and the effort behind it. God is beautiful. His presence is there in the beauty. How can the god be in the indecent, terror and horror? So, worship the beauty and the presence of God in it. Swami concluded.

Not so, Not so a strong voice was heard from the gathering.

Not so, Not so the Person continued. Now he reached near Swami. The crowd did not tolerate the interference. They started shouting against the person. Swami told You see these people dont have interest in such discussions, so, let us go to a separate room and discuss. I want to come with you, please permit me I asked them and they permitted. We went to a nearby room. The person continued. Swami, you told God is in beauty, you also ruled that God is not in terror and horror. It may be your experience that god is in beauty, but he is not there in horror is your inference. It doesnt have support of experience. Moreover, you have emotional weakness towards horror. He continued. If the beauty is made by God, horror is also. If God likes the beauty, why not horror? In my opinion this is our assumption. We think that beauty is liked by god and want to please him through it. God who pleases by beauty also gets pleased by the horror. If God is omnipotent and omniscient, he cannot be away from the horror. Swami asked : you are talking things against the experience. He replied. Swami, You have only experience of beauty. When you dont have experience of horror, how can you say I am talking against the experience? I interfered, please excuse me. There is a tradition that proves god is in beauty. Can you demonstrate such an experience? The person surprised with my voice and continued.

Yes you are right. It is not shastra which is against experience. But there is also eligibility for the experience. We are born and brought up in a certain tradition and we are physically and mentally tied to it. If one doesnt have the things that pull him back, or at least has courage, he can see what I am telling. You have seen the energy of beauty of Swami. Horror also can give a similar energy. I agree. Will you show me? I will follow you I asked him. He asked me, ok consolidate all your courage, or show me you have courage. Excuse me, I have courage, I replied. The person was happy. You have courage. I knew that it is enough. I was surprised and asked him how did you know? He replied, Beta, when you told you have courage, I did not just hear it. I saw your courage. Thus, catching the essence by the root of sound is also a sadhana. He continued. If you are interested, come to Paithan on the new moon day next week. He saluted Swami and called me out. He gave me many instructions and broad view of what are we going to do. While going he asked me will you come no? God bless you. He disappeared. I came to Paithan on the new moon day. Saw the place where we decided to meet. I was pushing the day expecting the night to come early. There is always a tug of war between time and the mind. For the one expecting the future, the present is too long. One who considers past is most valued, his present is very light and future is misty. One who wants to travel on time should remove the weakness of sticking to space. I could think of it. But did not know how? Because of my pushing, The Sun finally set. Within few minutes, the person appeared and hugged me.

I thought you would not come, He told. Did you not gauge my voice? I asked him. He hugged me again. I am pleased with your words. Then he instructed me in detail what is to be done in the night. He told me. Be in this old hut. Once you hear my Mantras, come to me. It was getting dark. I saw four people carrying a corpse to burn in the grave yard. I thought we all carry our corpse for a lifetime. After long time, I heard the mantra.

After long time, I heard the mantra. Aardram Jvalati Jyotirahamasmi Jyotirjvalati Brahmaahamasmi Yohamasmi Brahmaahamasmi Ahamasmi Brahmaahamasmi Ahamevaaham maam juhomi svaahaa The wet it burning, I am the light. The light is burning, I am the big. Whoever I am, I am the big. I am, I am the big. I am I, I sacrifice meself. I heard the mantra, but could not see its origin because of darkness. The mantra was mesmerizing me. So I decided to keep myself alert and not get into his mesmerism. I moved towards the grave yard. One pyre was almost finished. Another was burning. I remembered I had to go naked. So, removed my cloths at the gate of the yard.

I came near the burning pyre. Now I can see the person near the pyre. He had made two seats in front of the pyre. He saw me with sharp and peaceful eyes. Alas ! I had an experience of something is applied to my body. I have become more alert now. He asked me to sit in one of the seats. He collected ash from the pyre and started applying on to my body. My mind started gathering momentum. I think he was following a particular process while applying the ash. When he applied the ash, my mind is boiling oil. I realized it is gaining full speed. It was reflecting by the speedy breathing. Now he applied kumkum by his thumb in between my eyebrow. I thought that much force was not required to apply it. Now he continued the mantra. Tadvishnoh paramam padam sadda pashyanti soorayah All the wise men look for to the exalted feet of Vishnu

I knew the Mantra, I knew its meaning. But I did not experience the pull of it. When I was thinking about that, I was taken away by the power of Mantra. With the power of mantra my mind started concentrating. Before I had to close my eyes, I saw the items around me. There were two broken skulls full of blood in them. The blood was clotted due to the cool breeze. Some raw flesh was on a leaf. Some broken bones, and liquor on a dried skull. He placed his palm on my head and chanted a sholka. Dont be afraid, Dont be confined, Dont reject, Dont be overwhelmed, Manage yourself and move ahead. After this he sprinkled some liquor on to my body. Taking the liquor from the skull by a broken bone, he asked me to do the achamana. Now he put a red flowered garland on my neck. Came a round around me and placed his left leg on my head.

I thought I am taken to a new world. I was trying to come out of the mental state expecting it mesmerism, but could not. He asked me to join my palms and poured the clotted blood in it. It was turning brown and taking a solid shape. He asked me to get up and chant the Mantra. Unbelief be the animal of sacrifice. Belief be the offering in this ritual. Fear be the samit ( wooden stick) and be into ashes in the firepit. Fearlessness be my force to proceed. Chanting the mantra he asked me to offer the blood into the fire. He was asking me to chant these words as my prayer. I am ready I am matured I have culminated my mind I need power I dont misuse it Your are the source of power Give me Give me Give me He was asking me to repeat this. When he chanted, I felt as if I am chanting. When I chanted, it is still more from inside. I opened my eyes and saw him. I came to a state where I could not balance myself. He supported me and asked to take some rest. After some time, we came to another part of the grave yard where the corpse is buried. He directly brought me to a grave. There were fresh flowers on it was showing that it is a fresh corpse. He spread few flowers brought by him and asked me to dig the grave.

I started with my hands. It was very slow. After some time he brought a plank of wood and gave me. Now my work was faster. After some time I felt something touched the plank. I was instructed not to make any new scratches to the body. I started now using only my hands. Soon the corpse was quite visible. He asked me to put my hand in the armpit and make it to sit. I used both my hands to took it out from the grave. Now he asked me to remove the mud from the corpse here and there. Only then I knew it was a female. I did it and made it lay on the ground. He asked me, O young man, are you scared? I dont think so. Now I will go to the place of worship. You bathe this idol in the nearby stream and bring it to the place of worship. I took it on my shoulder and moved to the stream. It was heavy. I thought I cannot press my mind anymore. But I had to do the task. Bangles of its straight hands behind me were making scary sound.

I brought it to the stream. He had told it an Idol. So I made to sit on a support and poured water on it. Washed the hair thoroughly. Washed the body as well. After the midnight, stars are more brilliant. I could see her with the light of stars. Fair, Beautiful girl. Now I thought not applying kumkum to its forehead is a lack. I knew for sure I would not get it but still stretched my hands searching for it. Two cups made of leaves touched my hand. One with turmeric and another with kumkum. That was a boost to my energy. I applied both and brought it to the place of worship. Now he said, O young man, you have to make it sit. Alas, How to make a corpse to sit? I searched for two bamboo sticks tied them as a cross with a thread to make a support to its neck. Now the corpse came to a state where one can say it is sitting. He asked me to fold its legs into Padmasana. How? I forcefully folded both legs and brought it to a shape.

He asked me to take some rest. I came to the side and sat. Now there was enough light of fire, so I can see it clearly. What a beauty! Should have been worshipped when alive, is being worshipped when dead! I thought corpse is used by medical students for practicals. Why not by us? What is the difference between a woman and a corpse ? Only few can see corpse in a woman while others still see the woman in the corpse. While I was thinking, he started the worship. Applied fragrance to it. Put the garland around its neck. Neat the hair and decorated with flowers. Fixed ornaments on the ears and the nose. Again applied turmeric and kumkum.

Ammbaarunoti paritopyayamandhakaaro naatmaanavema mama kinto kulam cha desham Sheeghram madeeya hrudayodaya parvataagre shreemaanudetu tava paadamayookhamaalee O Mother, there is darkness all around. I have no one for rescue. Soon on the mountain of my heart Let the moon rise with the brilliance of your feet. He prostrated in front of the idol for long time. He asked to me come and take my seat. Now the decorated idol was looking very beautiful. Now he told digbandhana Apasarpantu ye bhottah I thought he himself is horrorful than bhootas, but still does the digbandhana. He started the pooja on his own way. Poured the blood on to the feet of idol. Cleaned with a cloth. Offered some flowers. He salutes the idol Kshantavyo meparaadhah. " Pardon all my mistakes ". Now he sat for invoking the goddess in the idol and chanted the mantra Devyaah praanaah iha aagatya sukham chiram thishthantu svaahaa Let the life of Devi come here, be happy and remain for long. He spent lot of time for this. I was observing him. Light like from a torch from his eyes into the idol's eyes.

Now I saw the idol. The eyes are open! I saw it before, the eyes were closed. To be double sure, while washing her face, my hands touched her closed eyes. They were not open. Now he touched his forehead onto the feet of Idol. Aapanmahogra-visharaashi-nimagnametam Deenam tvadeeya charane sharanam prapadyam Uddhartumamba karunaa-paripoorna-chitte Vittesha-mitra-kulanaari tavaiva bhaarah I could not refrain from touching my forehead also. Now there was a smile on the lips of the idol. He chanted many prayers in from of the idol. After some time I thought he emptied his energy. So he rested on the ground in Shavaasana. Suddenly the neck of the idol bent to a side. I did not know what to do. After some time, he managed to get up. Asked me to take the idol to its original place. Now he closed the grave, which was easier than digging. We came back to the place of worship. Now he continued the fire ritual offering blood and flesh into it. Then he gave me the prasad which I have accepted. What do you feel? I was speechless. If mother desires she will make us to meet again, he told and walked away. I came out of the grave yard and wore my cloths to enter the civilized world.

did not get much by going behind the Gurus. So, decided to stay in a village.

I had no Guru, so did not have any instructions to follow. Have you ever thought of not having a Guru can be a blessing? I was now free to explore on my own. When you have Gurus instructions, just following them becomes like running around a pole which takes you nowhere. The reason is, as long as they remain Gurus instructions, they will not work. Once they become your likings they start working. Why not use your own likings to work? Manah pootam samaacharet Do what your mind likes. I also learnt that physical Guru is not an absolute necessity. If one is determined and able to overcome fear and other inhibitions, the devatha reveals herself. (Note : The Word devatha in Sanskrit is used in female gender. (Deva)tha includes Deva, while S(he) includes he and (God)dess includes the God.) This is supported by Patanjali with the Sutra Sah poorveshaamapi guruh kaalena anavacchedaat, means the God is Guru of even the ancient, as he is not limited by time.

The next thing I learnt, though it may sound strange to you, that the God is not absolute necessity for ones growth. Though Patanjali says Ishwara Pranidhaanat vaa means or by surrendering to the supreme God, he never forgets to add the Sutra Yadabhimata dhyaanaat vaa means or by meditating on what you like.

In either case one accepts the following seven steps. One agrees that there is something bigger than him. One is sure that it will not allow him to remain small, but takes him forward. Without giving out oneself full, one will not become full. Surrender is the basis of his life. One continues with the task till it is complete. He is firm that he cannot be unsuccessful.

 His development is a small part of a big development. Experience of ones progress is not for pride, but for further speed. His strength is for the weak. One will come to know his progress, His awareness will help him.

I started exploring myself. Started making many experiments with the mind. One day I decided to keep myself awake thinking about whatever power I had. I did not know at some point in time, went into sleep. I took it as a challenge and trained my mind to get into sleep or keep myself awake whenever I wish. The next experiment was with the dreams. First I started to dream. Then tried to dream the continued part of the previous dream. I also experimented with black & white dreams and colorful dreams. Experimented further with arresting the dreams. One day I was writing something. A cat came near and spilled the inkpot. I was very angry that all my writings of many days went waste. Suddenly it stuck my mind whether I can be angry whenever I wish. I started experimenting with the emotions to express themselves whenever I wish. To be successful in the progress, one should always keep happy. One who is disturbed even with the small things is not fit for Tantra. Person with a narrow mind is not fit for Tantra. One should expand it as much as possible in order to invite all possibilities. I also learnt that celibacy has no special impact on ones development. Then my attention went to being indifferent towards good and bad. I further tried emptying my mind. That was quite difficult. As an alternative I tried concentrating on a single thought. Further I tried my experiments with the silence.

When I was doing all these I was sure that all the powers and what not is manifestation of mind. If one can control the mind, he can manifest his wishes. I also wanted to know if there was something beyond the mind.

When I was doing this, I was living in a temple outside the village. I was begging for food in the village whenever I was hungry. Except that only relaxing. When I thought of relaxing, there was lot of disturbance in the mind. I had to enforce curfew on mind many times. Mind means like people who are not eligible for democracy. It wants the rights, but not the responsibilities. Government should do everything. Even if it is bad for nation, there is a call for strike for what it wants. This sickness of spirituality is not only in towns, it is in villages also. Because of this towns and villages have lost their creativity and hardworking. Like thinking everything is Gods wish and making no efforts to improve. If this is a sickness, denying the truth is also another fashion. They also dont have courage. No patience, no mind for research. Both the show-off spirituality and denying it upfront have harmed us. For the chief of the village, spirituality was a fashion. It was a pass time instead of playing cards. He was coming to me. For time pass we were talking. Knowing this, few more have joined. Surya was one of them. Every day after the sunset, the Surya use to rise. After few days, I asked him to come up and sit with us. He politely refused it telling he is ok to be at far. After few months, one evening everyone left. Surya was still there. I asked him why? He asked me, Sir, is God really there? I played safe What do you do with that? Dont get into these things. They are just for talking. No Sir, I want the clear cut answer. Because, it is the answer for everything. He persisted. Tell me, whether God is there are not. I realized he wanted the answer.

I told him, yes God is there. Next arrow at me. Then show me ! If I do what will he be visible? If you follow my instructions, you will see him, I replied. See, there is happiness and sorrow in our life, When there is happiness our face expands. When there is sorrow it shrinks. You should not be like that. In happiness and sorrow, you should be alike. Can you do this? Oh, what great thing, I will do this. If I do this much God will appear. Is it not? He asked me and went away. Next day he appeared little early. He told me; yesterday my cow gave birth to a calf. It brought happiness. I dont know how to control it. Think of the God I told him a remedy. Which God? How to think? His very basic questions. Can you empty your mind? I asked him ? How to empty the mind ? Another basic question. See you told your cow gave birth to a calf. You should remove the cow and associated things from your mind. Then you will know what else is left. You should throw them out one by one. Then you can empty your mind. He went back puzzled. I did not see him for few days. One day he appeared. I did not see God. How to think of him? Another tough question. OK, you did not see God, have you seen any great person ? I asked him. Sir, who else is greater than you? his reply. Ok then think of me. He went away. After few days he appeared again. Sir, I dont know how to think. I taught him various ways he was happy and went away.

He came again happy after few days. Sir, now my mind is listening to me. One day he lost one of his children. His wife was crying like anything. Surya told his wife, Sir has told we should be alike in happiness and sorrow, dont cry. But she is a mother. How can she control herself? Surya buried the child. Found a tear on his face. He shouted at the mind. You idiot, Sir told to be alike in happiness and sorrow. But you are weeping! He slapped himself again and again. When he told this I understood the gravity of the situation. I had hugged him. I knew Surya had his own imaginations about the God. I knew if they grow, Surya will expand. I also knew that one day I have to smash them, then only will Surya shine. One day I arranged for a worship of God by Surya. He happily agreed. I had arranged the idols, lights, fragrance, flowers and all the other items. Surya, bathe the God, I asked him. Surya proceeded. But I found a hesitation in him. So I provoked him to perform the pooja. He begged at me. Sir, I cannot touch the God, dont force me. I told him. Surya everyone is equal in the eyes of God. No one is inferior or superior. You continue the pooja. Sir, how can I touch the God, I cannot! Telling this he collapsed. I tried him to convince in many ways. But his inhibition did not allow him to proceed. Such a determined Surya could not succeed. If you feel sorry for Surya, you are a human. If you are indifferent, you could be an eligible trantrik. Who you want to be?

I cured myself taking some time in the village. Now I thought I am ready for another adventure. Hence started hunting Gurus. I found very few, which I can say I found none. Of those, few had some power, but did not know how it came to them. They were unaware of repeating it for another person. In other words it was an accident for them. I did find a very few of them who knew how to transfer it. But they were very greedy. They earned it by effort of decades and how could they give it away just like that? One day I was walking to Jagannath Puri. Started walking early in the morning to avoid the Sun. After waking few miles, I found a person with a bullock cart. I asked him if any sages are around. He told me, there are lot of robbers here. Since it is day time, I am taking my cart. After a mile there is a stream. Near to it there is a sage. But he is very angry and will not feed you. He thought I am asking about sages for food, but I was happy to find one. Soon I reached the stream. There was an old fig tree, and a very old hut near to it. When I went nearby I found a beautiful garden in front of the hut. The oldest is the hut and the newest is the garden. How can he be an angry man who grows such a beautiful garden? When I reached near the garden, a man appeared. What are you doing here? He asked. I want to meet the sage, I told. He will not meet anyone. He doesnt even talk. If anyone troubles him, he will curse them. I am from this village. When the sage arrived here, my son was bitten by a snake and the sage saved him. I offered him to provide food everyday but he refused. Finally he agreed for a cup of milk that too as long as I wish. So I came here to keep the milk for him. Dont hang on here, go away he told me.

I hold him that I take some rest under the fig tree and then go away. I sat under the tree and saw the garden. Fresh flowers of various colors. They were fresh even under the hot sun. I saw at the hut expecting someone to come out. Once at the hut and again at the garden, thus I spent some time. Now It was noon. The door of the hut opened, a person came out. Golden hair. Even the beard and mustache are golden. Peaceful eyes. Attractive personality. A small cover of leaves in hand. I saw him with full of my eyes. He came near the garden and sprinkled water from the leaf cover onto the plants and looked at them. Even I saw at the flowers in the garden. What a scene! I rubbed my eyes without a belief, saw them again. All flowers were turned blue! The garden is full of only blue flowers! That was a kick to my mind. I had left the ground and was floating with my mind.

He plucked some of them into the leaf cover, picked the milk pot. But did not care me even I was visible. Went inside the hut and closed the door. I saw the closed door with despair and saw the garden again. The flowers were returning to their original colors here and there. After some time, the whole garden is as before. Happiness and curiosity in the mind. How much ever I think, only darkness, no Light. How is this possible? Sky has fallen on the garden. All blue! Then after some time, beauties are in their original color! Which I neither heard in literature nor seen in the magic, saw with my bare eyes. When I was thinking about this, Sun was in a hurry to set. I heard mantras of avarana pooja from the hut. This also was another kick. The enclosure pooja over. Prayer for some time. Then silence for some more time. When It was silence in the hut, I saw at the sky. The sun was about to set. The person opened the door and stood in front of the garden again. He repeated the procedure of the noon. I was waiting for this. All flowers started turning white and soon the whole garden was white. How the light flashes when you press the switch.

The person walked into the garden plucking the flowers and chanting baliharana sookta. He was spreading few flowers here and there for digbandhana. When he came to the gate, I took my body through the gate and held his feet. He uttered the disdain words gaccha, gaccha Go, Go The touch of his feet did not give me any special effect, but increased my curiosity. In the night for long time I was waiting at the gate. Now lot of clouds gathered in the sky and soon emptied with showers. I was wet in that big rain. I was listening the mantras from the hut which gave me the warmth. Whenever there is silence in the hut, lot of thoughts in my mind. How is this possible? Why is he doing this? Is this not something wonderful? If such a power is there, let this be a waste, but we can use it for many other things. Is not the power meant for use? Not few. Many thoughts in the mind. More respect and regards towards the person. I want to meet him. I did not see any person growing to this level. In the early morning he offered the lights (Mangalarati) to Maha Bhairavi. I spent the night without sleep at the gate. None of my senses worked except the ears. Though it had rained, my head was still hot

In the morning the sun opened eastern door and appeared. The person also opened the door and came out. Morning sun was pouring golden showers on him. He was already with golden hair and beard. Now his whole body is of gold. I saw him. But my eyes were running towards flowers. So I pulled the eyes from him and looked at the flowers. Oh, This is just not Light! Even the flowers are golden! The garden is full of golden flowers! The golden man entered the golden garden. Now I could not resist myself. Opened the gate and entered inside. He was coming towards the gate plucking the flowers. I prostrated him and held his feet. He shouted Shatha, Moorkha Idiot . I did not leave his feet. He took a stick from the fence and stroked me very hard. He pushed me from his legs and moved away.

My head was bleeding. He entered the hut. I was standing seeing his back for long. The blood alerted me. I was waiting for his return to the garden. I was feeling he will not reject me. I was happy about my head bleeding. I thought he will be pleased by the bloodshed. I was in a very strong mental state that he must accept me. I went slowly and sat near the hut. At noon he came out again. I thought I will see the blue flowers again. But this time all were red. All blood red! He did not care for me. Plucked the flowers and went in. I was waiting for his return in the evening. At the sunset he came out again. Now I saw the flowers of pink color. At his return, he saw me and asked. You still die here ? I thought I am saved. Sir, I am holding my breath here, I replied. Dont you know one should not trouble the decent? I was speechless. He invited me into the hut with his eyes. He spread two flowers at the corner and asked me to sit. At the midnight he finished the worship and came to me. I appreciate your persistence. What do you want? He asked me. Yesterday he was mountain of diamond. Now ocean of honey. He sat on the mat. I got up. He asked me to sit near him. I did not want anything. You showered kindness on me that is enough. I replied. I can read your mind. Tell me what you want? He asked. Sir, excuse my rude behavior. My mind is very much curious about the changing of colors. Kindly tell me the secret of this. I begged. This curiosity is not good. Dont lure for this. I am a spider tied myself in this web. Not able to come out. You should grow. Dont stretch your palms for these type of things.

He continued. This is a siddhi called Suryavijnana. One gets this as part of Saavitra Siddhi by making samyama ( holding on + concentration + absorption) on the light in the eye. Like all other siddhis, this is also very addictive. Once used, man cannot live without it. He goes on using this. Using this liquor one loses his strength. His development stops. I was also of your age that time. Even when my guru told not to lure for this, I tried. Worked out. Used once for fun. From then this has become a habit for me. I cannot live without this. You are growing man. Dont get into these things. He was silent for long time. Then I asked him Is this possible for everyone. Anyone can do mistakes. But one should learn from others mistake. If you are wise, you will cross the siddhis. Then only you will have new life. Or else you will be jailed. Dont be in jail. Be in the open. May she bless you. He went inside. I came through the garden out of his path.

I was wandering. A place in the face of Mahanadi River. I dont remember the name. That day I did not walk for long. My mind was peaceful. I decided today I will not meet anyone. So was resting on a rock beside the river. One guy came and sat next to me. He appeared, but I did not see him. It is good that I met you, he told. I did not open up senses and told him It is no good for me. I wanted someone. Got you. I am happy. He replied. I am not the one you want. I dont want anyone. So you go away. My reply. I was away. I keep myself away. But I wanted a nearest one. I came for that. I will not go.

Then I saw his face. He is also of my age. Very handsome. Now I wanted to talk. you are not from here? You are also not his reply. What do you do? I asked him. I am a newbie in Tantra I suddenly got up. Do you know Tantra ? Have you walked the path? Who is taking you through? My questions. Why are you interested in it? I can see you are not a tantrik. His reply. OK, Let it go. Are you right or left in Tantra? I asked. My name is Vamacharana, you only guess. his reply. Then we talked for long. He told some of his things. He could not get the girl he loved. Both escaped from their homes but lost each other. He accidently got into Tantra. I asked him. Will tantra give strength to me? Will I be eligible for it? You are very strong than me. You have a good place in tantra. You need initiation, I will take you to my Guru, he assured.

One day he smelled his Guru is nearby. He had got much regards towards his Guru. He was very emotional. Actually tantra calls to reject emotions. But he was telling there is something called bhakti, which he will use for his growth. He took me to his guru Bhagavati Sharana. He saluted guru and introduced me. Bhagavati Sharana told me about Vamacharana. He is very soft. He should become hard. Then only will he succeed in tantra. Excuse me sir, If soft is bad, hard is also equally bad. vajraadapi kathoraani mrudooni kusumaadapi Great men are harder than diamond while softer than flower.

Bhagavati Sharana was happy to hear me. Bhagavati Saharana sat in padmaasana and asked Vamacharana to sit in front of him. Look at my eyes now. He chanted the mantra: Ambitame Devitame Nadeetame Sarasvathee He instructed Vamacharana now you should only hear the mantra. Should not see me. Vamacharana tried. He asked again. Now you should not hear mantra. Should only see me. Vamacharana was trying. Wrinkles on his forehead. Bhagavati Sharana told. Vama, your preparation is not enough. Be firm. He placed his palm on Vamacharanas head. Now there is smile on Vamacharanas face. After some time he withdrew his hand. Again wrinkles on Vamacharanas forehead. Bhagavati Sharana told. Vama, borrowing is not wealth. Even the donation is not wealth. One should grow from the donations. Then you may find your path and grow big. Vama asked his Guru to initiate me, Bhagavati Sharana turned at me and asked me to see Devipada. I didnt know who was Devipada. Vamacharana took me to him and requested to initiate and left me there. Devipada asked me to sit quiet. I thought I sat quiet. After long time I knew I really had sat quiet. Vamacharana returned. Devipada told him. You asked to initiate your friend, but doesnt need one. Take him with you.

Vamacharana was angry on me. He thought I showed arrogance at Devipada. Devipada replied. He is Svayambhu (self made). Take him with you. Question mark on Vamacharanas face. Devipada told. Guru is a double edged sword. He rejects the ineligible initiated and accepts the eligible uninitiated. School is a place to learn. One can learn without going to school. One is rule while another is exception. If you run long and drink milk, you become strong without knowing it as an exercise. Even if you steal and eat fruits, you would get good health. You both be together. Both of you will grow. He blessed us.

We wandered for many days and after six days found the camp of Bhagavati Sharana. There were lot of tests. If one slips there is a helping hand. That was a ritual of shaktipata for the week. We were eight members. Everyone had freedom to ask whatever one wants. I think his name was Omprakash. He asked. Sir, I heard in tantra they consume lot of liquor. Is it true ? Guru said yes. They also eat meat is that true ? Yes Guru said. There is something more, is that true ? Guru said, Yes, it is also there. OmPrakash stopped him. Sir, whatever the power of your path. I am unable to follow it. I cannot walk this path with my head up. Please permit me to leave. Omprakash, I like you. You are a good boy. May she bless you. Guru told. Once Omprakash left, Guru praised him. Tantra is a place for brave. There is liquor, there is meat, there is free sex. What else required for one to spoil himself and the society. One should use them and become strong. Without being strong, how can one rescue others or the society?

Omprakash is really a good boy. It is not great to be alert before one is spoiled. It is great that he withdrew from spoiling others. We were hearing the alerts. The session ended. We have started with fire in our pocket. Of the seven people Guru divided us in two groups. A group of four people. Another group of me, Vamacharana and Vaishali. Yes, Vaishali. Young age. Very beautiful. Attractive personality. Ten folds of courage and determination. She is pet of Bhagavati sharana. He told Vaishali. Vama is very soft, while you are very hard. I have joined you three. Grow together.

From then we should have been in forest for four months. Day and night. Should not come to near human habitat. On the same day, after midnight, we should have started naked. I knew Vaishali just for a week. We were sitting near the lake of the camp. She is friendly. Likes jokes. She asked me, you should congratulate me. I congratulated her. She asked why? I replied because you asked! I am happy to come with you, she told. You are our leader now. We should take you on our heads. I replied her. Is it inconvenient for you to be with me? Hard Vaishali asked politely. No trouble. That too I am very happy to be with a good girl like you. Moreover, I have lot to learn from you. We participated in the Srikrama that night. Guru first called Vaishali. She went and saluted him and sat near to him. He applied kumkum on her forehead and purified the body with liquor.

Vaishali, be successful. Be eligible in Mandalas. Be Bhairavi. Vaishali touched his feet for long and then stood up. Guru himself removed the cloths of Vaishali. Then he was at her feet. O mother, I have dressed you with silk saree for many times. In that I have seen your beauty of worlds. Today I have removed the old ones (Nirmalya). Hundred salutes to your beauty. He touched the feet of Vaishali. Then he got up and hugged vaishali. My baby! When Guru called, Vaishali awakened. Lot of tears! Guru told, you bold girl, I wanted you to be soft like this. He blessed her.

Now it was turn of Vamacharana. Mine also over. We saluted and started from there. We crossed the lake and proceeded. We should have left the path and walk towards the forest. Vamacharana told somewhere the owl is making sounds. Two days, four days, even a week over. We were very energetic. There were no daily rituals told to us. If they were told, we would have been running around. If there is nothing, empty mind is devils workshop. Either let them escape from it or get spoiled by providing a roof to the devil. Mercy in one hand, Cruelty in another. That is the way of Tantra. We were very alert, which was not really required. Vamacharana had intentions to grow. Vaishali was already walked the path and moved long. There was a rejuvenation to my life. New values have taken me to the new path. We should wander in the forest during day time. Some times Vaishali wanted to sit alone. Some time Vamacharana was sitting separate for mantra japa. When both are together, I was really alone.

We were wandering talking many things. Wherever we find water, we use to take bath. If someone says hungry, then start to hunt the fruits. If not near after going little far we use to get them. Few days we could not get anything.

I still laugh at our mental state on the first day. We wandered the whole day and at night sat below a tree. Vaishali slept at my left. I did not get the sleep, so was resting my head to the tree. Vamacharana slept at far. I dont know what the time is. Vaishali suddenly got up. How bigheaded are you ? You keep yourself awake to protect us? Who are you to save us? How egotistical are you? She was shouting. I stopped her Then why did you got up? See this bad ant. See it bitten me. She showed her thigh bleeding. Did you protect me from the ant? she returned it to me. I felt laughter and shyness together. I was mad about the clean mind of Vaishali. She suddenly remembered Vamacharana. Got up, went and started pulling him. Out of the sleep he was confused and asked why are you pulling me? Do you die if sleep next to me? She asked. Vamacharana, dont forget why we came here. Dont lose the sight of earning and start losing. Come on, I am no female, before that you are no male. I had much respect at Vaishalis words. That night we sat and slept together.

One day Vamacharana was sitting on a rock in the river for meditation. It was raining heavily. I and Vaishali were sitting under a tree with our bodies touching for the warmth. In the rain it is better to be away from the tree and came to an open space. What a big rain was it? Lightning and thunder. I asked Vaishali, Vama is sitting in the river. I think the water level should have risen. Let me see him.

Vaishali replied. Keep quiet. You will fall with this and not able to grow. Cant you stop imagining these things? Who are you to save him? I understood my slip. After some time Vamacharana returned. It was still raining. In the light of lightning we collected some wood and put it together. Vaishali blew and the fire caught up. Vamacharana started dancing in joy imagining Vaishali a sidda lady. Here I have to mention another incident. Vaishali is a lioness. She will not be lost in the jungle of rules. Rules are made by us. We are not made for rules. This is her conviction. She is another synonym for freedom. Even in the rainy season, there was no rain for two days. One day we could not even find a source of water. We followed the foot prints of animals for water but could not get it. Vaishali called us to a ground and asked to sit. She drew a square and a ciricle in it. She pocked her finger in the middle to make a point. Held her palms together, closed the eyes and opened the lips. We saw water springing from the yantra. Are you not thirsty? Come drink the water she asked us. We had the water. We asked Vaishali is this a siddhi. She told no, it is the power of understanding yantra.

We have spent many days in the forest. One day we heard sound of footsteps of human. Vaishali observed this and told us. I think we came near to the human habitat. We should go back into the forest. Suddenly a six feet man with camera and gun in the hands appeared in front of us. He told us very softly. Had you given a single moment, I would have caught you three in my camera. You disappointed me. We did not want that. But I wanted May be, we go now and we started to move. Did I see heavenly couple? He asked us. We did not respond.

Anyway you go; there is a sage with name Devanand about 10 miles away from here. Do you want to see him? He asked. Vaishali jumped back. Is he blind? She asked. Now it is his turn. If you dont see him, you are blind. Vaishali begged him for the answer. Is he really blind? The Man told yes. My Guru told me about Devanand. I must see him. Where is his hut? Vaishali asked. I can show you that. But if you dont want to walk with me? The man hesitated. Its ok. But thought we naked may cause inconvenience to you. She replied. Vaishali told us. Friends, I tell many things about Devanand. We must go to him. I told her, Vaishali, This is also a sentiment. In the path of tantra, we should not be sentimental. She replied. Yes friend, but I am in a current now. You also agree there is a place if I swim along it. Are you a hunter? I asked the man. Yes I hunt men he replied. He was a police officer and hunting for the robbers in that area. While walking he told how he met Devanand. One day I lost in the forest and reached Devanands hut. He directed me to a nearby stream to fresh up and drink water. I returned and saw him, golden hair and beard. Attractive face. But eyes are always closed. Devanand told me, you lost the way I believe. I will take you till the forest house. Sir, why do you take trouble? I have revolver. I will manage. I replied.

Oh man, does revolver show you the way? At times it may not even protect your life. Even I dont know the way, I am blind, but I know how to show you the way. There was no limit to my surprise. I stared at his face. I was sure he was blind. Vaishali interrupted. Did he tell about his sadhana ? I am a police officer. I have no interest in it. But I had asked him. He just told me that one of his friends granted him special power of smell. After some time we reached the hut. Devanand recognized the police officer. Have you come now? Are you thirsty? Oh, who are these three kids? Why they dont have cloths? Oh, the girl in the middle! What baby? Has Nirmalananda placed his palm on your head? He has touched your forehead and arms ? Vaishali rushed to him and caught his feet. Baba, My guru was telling many things about you. Today my eyes are filled baba. Please bless me to be successful in my sadhana. O daughter, This blessing, transferring power etc only Nirmalananda knows. I am no expert in that. After many days a met a person who had come in touch of my friend. I am happy. Who are other two? Are they your friends? Sir, they came to meet you. They are no humans, you may not know them. Their mind control is very big. In police language they are 24 parts gold. They want to see the friendship of animals I told them on the way. The man replied. See there, the leopard is sitting under the tree spreading its front legs. See the deer playing with it. See now, two hares came and sit on the leopard. All this is the power of Devanand. Devanand replied. There is no surprise in the friendship of these animals. But see these kids. In the human species, you cant see an example of burning the

lust and living with love. Police knows only the opposite world. You catch their photo as well. Sir, I wanted to take their photo. But this deer in the middle (Vaishali) objected to it. You told me their height. Hundred salutes to them. Vaishali wanted to stay in the ashram. But Devanand refused and asked us to leave. The police officer also left us.

When Cuttack was 20 miles away, we were given cloths. The moment we had cloths, we had to part each other. I felt bad being so friendly for 4 months and leaving suddenly.

I reached Cuttack in a short cut. I did not know where they went. Our Guru had ordered that our minds should be free from sentiments. I was thinking about the blind yogi. There was no surprise he could see the things through smell. One day I met him. When I asked for the name who crossed 3/4th of a century, he was angry. I also thought it useless to know the name. Now for eight days he did not eat anything. If he gets water, takes batch twice a day. When I met him on the way, I was tired and walking slowly. He was fast and overtook me. I was 50 years younger to him. I thought I should have talked to him, but was very tired and hungry. So I looked at him with despair. He went ahead, turned back and asked me in Hindi. Where are you from? I replied him in Sanskrit, I am from a place from Karnataka. He asked me back. What is this Karnataka? His Sanskrit was powerful. But it had a mix of prakrit. Where are you going? He asked me. "I have not decided" my reply.

Many people are like you in the world. But there are few even dont know they are going. Some reach the destination but still wonder where else to go. He said. He had spent three decades in the Himalayas. In the peak of Himalaya near Tibet, he got Buddha deeksha. Once he met Rahula Sankrutyayana in the Tibet. He told many things about him. Rahul was an intelligent fool. He was many days with me. He had a passion for reading. Once I told him, you read only few books, but I teach you to read all the books. Rahul was firm. He doesnt give up his beliefs. What shit you read from all the books. You kept cheating people. People anyway get cheated. But if you stop cheating them, that would be a great help. You created God and cheat people. Ask people to worship and enjoy their earnings. He had taken out all from his mind. O Man, Did I tell you to believe in God? You deny God, but dont have courage in every cell of yours. You have faith in the subconscious but stuck to your logic and intelligence and deny it. Rahul, I appreciate your efforts. But till now I did not live without power. I have given it to all who came to me. When I earned the power or gave it, I did not see the need of any god. Rahul, in life one will be very happy who uses the God less. Rahul was quiet. After some time he asked me, you told something about reading? O Man, One should not challenge things. That too intelligent people like you should never. Okay, you want the summary or the whole text? He told full text. I also thought if a person like him comes to my way is good and started. Atha Siddhanjana Manjooshaa.

He suddenly opened the book from his bag, removed the thread and opened. Wrinkles on his face. I was reading it continuously for five to ten minutes. He stopped me. Please stop. I understood. Where are you from? How did you learn this? Leave it. Take out the other book Kaaya kalpadruma from your bag. You got it from the sages of Sango mutt three days before. The sage gave you the book and woolen cloth at around two o clock that day. Rahul did not believe me. Because he thought he was more intelligent. It was true to some extent. He opened the book, saw the title Kaaya kalpadruma and kept back in his bag. Had he asked me for the power, I would have given it to him. The world doesnt need power. A book about it is enough. Not even the book, a page is enough. I was with him for many days. One day he asked me. You are a boy with good mind. What do you want? I dont want anything else. Being with people like you is enough. I replied. He sat making me to sit in front of him. I was keeping quiet. Speed of my thinking increased. Still increased. I was thinking about power. I did not have doubt in it. I did not feel that I did not know. How can I tell the speed of the mind? My body could not cope with it. May be for 15-20 minutes, I could not tolerate any more. Please control the speed, I cant bear it. I shouted. O man, leave the connection with body, I heard a sound from a distance. But I did not know how. My mouth is small, give me in small spoon, I cried. After much time I slept on the ground. All these things were in about three hours. There were bubbles on whole of my body. He was applying some ointment on to it. You should grow in many angles. Now go and sleep, He told me.

I went and slept, because of the tiredness I went into deep sleep. When I got up in the morning, he was not there. I learnt how to speed up the mind. He only taught me how to speed up the mind. I had no surprise he had gone away. I thought it was his freedom.

It is told in the Kaalayaaminee Tantra. Power does not come to those who go behind it swinging the tails like dogs. It showers on those who ride the lions coming against them. Same thought in my head. What is courage? Is it of the Lion? How much is it with the lion? Man has bigger mind than lion. Big mind should expand further. Lions courage should accompany the mind.. Do I have power? Yes I have! Can I expand it? I myself have to work it out. But there are much help from many people. Sometimes giving to the other also expands our horizon. I was leaving the bank of Mahanadi Rivier and walking inside. Vamacharana joined me. I think he was very happy to see me again. He told me many things what he did during these days. Now there is power in words and mind of Vamacharana. He told me On the coming Ananga Trayodashi, there is a mandalaaraadhana near Udayagiri . I wished him Ok, May Devi bless you with abundant power. Why do you talk like a third person? Dont you participate in it? He asked. See, you all are pets of your Gurus. Moreover you are bound with sampradaya like initiation etc. So there would not be invitation for the uninitiated like me. I replied.

After some time a Man came on the horse and asked for vamacharana. He introduced himself as Shailendra Chaudhuri. I have a message from Acharya Chandrachooda. On this trayodashi, there is Ananya Shyaama Mandalaaradhana on the banks of Brahmani river. You are invited. You have a friend it seems. He is also invited. This is the Prasad He gave it to Vamacharana. See Man, Acharya has accepted you as a member. He applied the kumkum to himself and gave to me also. Now I was bound to accept the invitation. I applied the kumkum to myself. It ensures the inevitability of participating in the Mandala. Prasad coming searching one is a sign of height in the tantric world. I knew the techniques of ten mahavidyas by reading. I knew that few modifications to Shyaamaa Krama make it Ananya Shyaamaa Krama. But this is the first time I am participating in a Mandala. I had both acceptance and rejection among the Tantra Gurus. Many accepted me as eligible, while many rejected me as egoistic, doesnt know surrender etc. Udayagiri is very near to Bhuvaneshwar. Then it was a place of dry hills. There are many caves there. Some level place here and there. We reached there one day in advance. The Yantra was very traditional. The enclosure of five metals was eye catching. Various flowers, fruits. A small stage with a shape of half circle for the members to sit. In front of it is the Shyaamaa peetha. Right side of it is a Mahapeetha. On the left, seat for the Mantracharya. In the middle the Fire pit. Enclosing it, at a height, is the seat of Shyaama. The members should get energized by the Mantracharya and come in front of the fire pit. Do achamana, offer flowers to the fire and wear tilak. Then offer frangrance and flowers to Shyaama. Recite the Shyaaamaa meditation aloud or in the mind. Then the Upasak should come to the front. There is a sharp knife set. After the meditation, upasaka should touch his thumb to the tip of the knife and offer tilak of blood at the forehead of Shyaama and proceed further. This is the ritual. It was time at the night. We all were waiting for Acharya Chandrachooda.

The arrangers announced, due to unavoidable reason, Acharya could not make it. Sambananda will manage the mandala. Upasakas please occupy their seats and facilitate the worship. There is an opinion about the Mandala in the Kaula Niryaya Chandrika. A person himself is responsible for acquiring power or losing it. One should overcome the shortcomings by efforts of the self or by transfer of power by a Kaula. Mandalaradhana also supports him. But after the mandala, if one is not sure of acquiring the power, what is the use of such worships? He should avoid them. In the mandala, if power is not acquired, at least one should experience coming out of shortcomings. We all heard this before entering the mandala. My number was 11, Vamacharana was 12, and two more members. When we stood in a queue outside the mandala, announcement started from the north triangle. I enter with my right foot in this field of energy for the Bliss. I offer my success and failure at the feet of Shyaama There is no failure for the determination. My determination is strong. Let it be like diamond. Let it be the diamond. Let Devi bless me. First a senior member entered the Mandala, The announcement was repeating for every member. All of us entered the mandala and stood at our seats. Another man from Southern triangle came and placed silver cups containing perfume in front of us. We took it, chanted sthala shuddhi sprinkled the perfume on the seat and around and sat. There were golden plates with flowers, liquor in the golden cup, a spoon, kumkum on a leaf were kept in front of every member. We did the achamana, purification of hands and body. On the elevated seat someone brought Shyaamaa and made her to sit. She is young of sixteen. With her beauty, the mandala got illuminated. Everyone saluted to the idol of Shyaama.

On the elevated seat someone brought Shyaamaa and made her to sit. She is young of sixteen. With her beauty, the mandala got illuminated. Everyone saluted to the idol of Shyaama. Sambananda started the beginning of pooja from his seat. Members were about to meditate on the shyaama in front of them, Sambananda prayed. Shyaame Sangeethamaatah parashivanilaye . The prayer was forcing everyone to meditate. No one else was chanting the prayer, but we were floating with the prayer. The prayer was expanding the horizon of our feelings. If one has to make his mind strong, he should be able to create momentum and speed to his feelings. If one does not do this, another part of the mind gains the momentum and speed, while the feelings start pulling it to the opposite. Sambanandas prayer was strong enough to reach the provinces of mantra, and shaking the spine of every member. He got up from his seat, Janani champaka tailamidam puro Mother, there are various perfumed oil in front of you, please receive them and apply to your hair and all over the body There was offering of self along with the things in the prayer of Sambananda. One who experiences it is successful in the pooja. Feeling like it is not big. Sambananda was successful in creating such feeling in each of the members. Sambananda continued the pooja. Snaanam te parikalpayami janani snehaattvamangeekuru,

 O mother I bathe you with various holy waters, please accept this Then he chanted various hymns, spelling tantric mantras, made the shyaama to bathe. His every act was creating a new feeling in our hearts and was removing the dirt from our feelings. He continued. Bahubhiragaru dhoopaih This is neither just dry chanting of the mantra, nor the excuse of manasa pooja, who cannot perform the pooja physically. He really dried the hair with fragrant smoke. With comb, neated her hair, applied kumkum to her forehead. We were unblinking our eyes. His each act reached the extreme of the Idol worship. Sambananda was pulling our hearts with his sound while making us to sink in the woship with his act. He made her to wear silk saree and blue blouse. Before that did not forget to make her wear bra of the special cloth. Necklace, diamond earrings, golden bangles, and other ornaments. Manjeere padayornidhaaya ruchire . He continued the pooja which made an energy and bliss to flow in our bodies. After sarvalankara pooja, there was some rest. I looked at vamacharana. Did not see him happy. We again made achamana and started the japa. This continued with the meditation. After some time, lamps were placed in front of us . We bent our knees to ground and carried the plate of lamps on our head. Sambananda continued. Savinayamatha datvaa ..

With respect I have kneeled down with the plate of lights on my head. O Mother, Let your merciful look be on me, while I wave the lights near your lotus face three and a half times . Sambananda was singing. We were moving our necks with the plate of lamps. I was feeling only myself. I was hearing only my sound (that is of sambananda). A type of drowsiness. One lamp fell on my thigh. I ignored it and continued. After some time, taken down the plate of our lamps. On my plate, both the lamps were burning peacefully. I saw the idol again in that light. Beautiful shyaama idol. When there was another rest, I saw at vamacharana. There is only one lamp in his plate. Oh, what fell on my thigh is his. Now the last part started. We each one move in the queue to Devi, offer flowers to her feet and apply blood tilak on her forehead. Again fall into the feet of devi. When we get up, devi will grant the Prasad. Ritual started. What a scene! When we see, the experience is as if we are blessed by devi. Now it was my turn. I was tired physically, but very happy mentally. I performed all the ritual. Applied the blood tilak and collected the Prasad. Moved from the other side of the stage. Now it was vamacharanas turn. He did not had a fix in his life like this. He felt all his blood is dried. Body of hot blooded young man became cold. Slowly he moved to the knife. "She is not shyaama, so I may not get blood with the touch of the knife, his thought. Idiot, Will not the blood come out if a sharp object touches the body? another thought." With slow move, vamacharana came and touched his thumb to the knife. Alas ! no blood ! Now he got tensed. Touched his index finger to the knife. No blood. With force, he touched his wrist to the knife and fell down uttering Gouri, Gouri. Sambananda shouted at him. I came back to vamacharana. No movement in his body. Took it out of the mandala. Sat in a place and tied his hand with cloth. The pooja concluded and the mandala was dissolved. Sambananda came to me. Man, your sadhana is successful. But the interest you shown in vamacharana is against the rule. Hence you cannot attend any mandala for next four months. Everyone left. No one can take the articles used for the pooja including silk saree or golden cups. Even the Shailendra who donated it cannot take back.

After some time vamacharana gained consciousness. He told me the whole happening with sorrow. He knew that todays shyaama was his love Gowri. So he did not get the feeling of goddess in her throughout the pooja. He was very unhappy of being unsuccessful in the mandala.

Many days passed. Vamacharana was keeping in mind his failure, now continued with intense efforts. He was always with Varaahee meditation . I followed other tantriks for some days and joined back vamacharana. On the banks of Brahmani river, we successfully completed the rohoyagakrama of Dakshina kali. We only two were there in the graveyard that time. His determination and the invocation on the corpse peetha, I thought devi has blessed vamacharana. After completing the pooja, he told me, see, I am very happy today, she has forgiven all my mistakes, see the light of her flame in my eyes!. I saw his eyes, they were shining with flames. On the uttara mandala that night, vamacharana made me to sit in the Guru peetha. Each of his act was showing the perfectness of a great tantric. On the night during the pooja, vamacharana attained bhava Samadhi. East became red. Vamacharana performed upasamharana. Peace of early morning spread everywhere. We could now clearly see the face of each other. One white clothed lady came from the east and stood outside the digbandhana. Vamacharana concluded the ritual and came out. We both came to Bhairavi. Vamacharana fell on her feet. She blessed him with the rosary hand. Vamacharana held her feet for long. She blessed him. Her arrival brought new happiness in him. He thought it is the sign of siddhi. Bhairavi told " son, your worship has reached her. But dont be in a hurry. Be matured. Vamacharana asked her back, O mother, what is the intension of your word? Bhairavi told him. Son, if you want your future to be peaceful, dont participate in Mandalas nor now. See what happned last time. If you cross the ego of participating in mandala, one day even Acharya Chandrachuda may accept prasad from you.

Even I saluted to Bhairavi. She blessed me. What others could not achieve their legs up-head down, you achieved it just by lying down on the floor. May she bless you. Vamacharana discussed Bhairavi's words with me. I also told him. Friend, seing the new leaves and flowers, you are assuming that your roots are firm. Introspect yourself. take time. You should correct some basics within you, without which you wont get what you want. __._,_.___

We wandered for few days and came to Konark. Met Acharya Chandrachuda in the Surya temple. After the worship of lamps, he announced. Next friday there is Lalithopasana. Everyone can attend. That night Vamacharana discussed with me. As per the Bhairavi's order, I cannot participate, but order of my guru is pulling me to the mandala. What to do now? I suggested Bhairavi is not an ordinary woman. She is a siddha. Discuss bhairavi's order with your guru. Vamacharana came back to me. Even Chandrachuda repeated Bhairavi's words, but after lot of persuasion, he agreed my participation. I told him. Dear, if there is no eligibility, even the blessings of great people can turn in to curse. Stop collecting the water in a vessel having holes. You may feel bad. But please listen to my words. I know all these things, But if I dont try for the power, how would it come to me? If I am unable this time........ Acharya Chandrachuda arrived. Mandala started. We were 24 members. I could not concentrate on vamacharana. He was little away from my seat. During a rest time, (before achamana), I saw him. He was flat on the ground. One side Lalitha was pulling me, while from other side friendship with vamacharana. I went near to him. His body was ice. Breath was stopped. In view of the holiness of the mandala, I took his body outside the mandala.

Finally mandala was dissolved. Chandrachuda came to me and told "Vanchitosi" " You lost the experience" Chandramohana Soori, who was next to vamacharana explained the whole thing. At the start only he could not concentrate. At the time of avarana pooja, he made sankalp with a feeble voice. Today if I dont attain Samadhi, let the liquid which I consumed for purification turn in to poison. At the time of lightning the lamps, let Devi take Arati (lamp offering) of my five lives (pancha praana) and grant me panchatva (dissolution in five elements). He killed himself just by the sankalpa. I performed the rites for his body and prayed peace to his soul. Lalitha put Prasad of mandala into his pyre. I was sorry for my friend, his haste, wrong thinking, weakness of craving for power and ineligibility made him to take the decision. He had a very powerful mind. There are yogis who can stop the blood circulation! Vamacharana gained it but did not use in the right way. It was clear that he died because of his own sankalp. Now I am alone. I thought for long and decided that association with tantriks is no wisdom. I was having an ego of a great trantrik and attained several siddhis. I thought I am stuck in a web designed by myself. I wanted to come out of it to live a normal life. It is a stage in the life of sadhak to perform a vishvajit (give away everything as Demon king Bali did). So I decided for that. I found a place for that ritual in the Kapothagiri hills. I threw out my bag, thrown the underwear also. I had lost the holy belt long ago. I slept on a place where my legs are at height and head is in a slope. I declared myself. All the elements and beings in the world have their own freedom. Let them behave as they like. Let my siddhis have no effect on them. I started observing myself. sometimes I got sleep, other times I was observing myself. Because I gave freedom even to my senses, they were letting me know day, night, sunrise, sunset etc.

When I gained my awareness again, saw around. I found an unwanted phenomena. Because of the fire, the grass in the hill was burnt except where I slept. There was water and fruits at a hands distance from me. I understood this is a deed of my siddhis. The sthambhana I acquired at childhood and Annapurnasidhi I gained in deep forests. I knew my mind used them without my knowledge. So I decided all of them to let go. I knew how. After many days I came down. Now I was light. There were no things that were pulling me. Now I lead a normal life of farmer. My brother who became my friend, my friend who became my brother, their families, and people coming to meet me is my world.

He is my Guru. This is his life. This is his style. I am only the keyboard operator with a not so good English. End of October 1998. Kapila is no more. News papers read he died because of heart attack. Attack was not to his heart. But to those who liked him. He had come to Bangalore for a medical check up. Dr. Gangadhar who was examining him tells All parts of his body including heart were functioning normally. No signs of heart attack. Then how did he die? Doctor says dont know. Who was sitting on the bed lye there. Eyes were open. No one knew his death. His heart had stopped. Even after two hours of efforts it did not return. A week back he had visited an elderly relative. The relative told, I am counting my days. Kapila replied who knows may be I am counting faster than you. People around there objected him. His reply That is how it is". People say he was a great tantrik, some say he is a model farmer. Others say he is a man of good heart. He is an elephant found by the blind.

His tantra was swatantra. Freedom was his breath, his tantra and his mantra. He did not walk on others path. What he walked was a path. He had courage to question the traditions. He was not tied to any school of thought, even to tantra. It is good that he was our contemporary, but bad that we did not make use of him. He is around us since Guru is not limited by time.