1PL SCClAL MA18lx

lf you've been waLchlng unbreakable, you can probably Lell LhaL a loL of work wenL lnLo
lL. 1he foundaLlons of Lhe early parL of Lhe program Look me a good year Lo flgure ouL,
and l've deflnlLely been lnfluenced by oLher Lhlngs l've read and been exposed Lo. no
one could come up wlLh Lhls maLerlal ln a vacuum.
lor Lhose who wanL Lo see a llLLle blL of exposlLlon on whaL l call Lhe soclal maLrlx," or
ln oLher words, Lhe vasL neLwork of relaLlonshlps amongsL human belngs and how Lhey
form and evolve, Lhls documenL wlll go lnLo more depLh.
lalr warnlng: when l sLarLed Lhlnklng abouL Lhls sLuff, my soclal skllls goL worse for
awhlle. lL was Lhe flrsL Llme LhaL l sLarLed crlLlcally assesslng who l really, Lruly was. And
whlle l don'L Lhlnk Lhere's ever a flxed answer Lo Lhe quesLlon of who you are, LhaL
perlod of lnLrospecLlon and self-quesLlonlng can lead Lo a weaker frame of reallLy" (lf
you're noL famlllar wlLh Lhe Lerm, you wlll be ln a few pages).
AddlLlonally, your ablllLy Lo see Lhe maLrlx" ls someLhlng LhaL, lf noL prevlously
developed, can Lake some Llme Lo ad[usL Lo. lmaglne learnlng muslc Lheory, and Lrylng
Lo en[oy Lhe muslc aL Lhe same Llme LhaL you're Lrylng Lo deLermlne lf Lhe mode of Lhe
melody ls uorlan or Lydlan. Loo much for your braln Lo process.
So wlLh Lhose caveaLs, dlve on ln..

ChrlsLlan Pudson
new ?ork ClLy
!une, 2009



for more vlslL www.Lhesoclalman.com/
PCW PuMAnS ln1L8AC1
ALLracLlon lsn'L a cholce". 1hls ldea wlll resonaLe wlLh anyone who has ever found
Lhemselves ln love. ln oLher words, we don'L choose who we are aLLracLed Lo - lL [usL
happens," wlLhouL any loglcal reasonlng.
8uL leL's sLep back and conslder whaL lL ls when Lwo humans - !oe and Mary - lnLeracL
wlLh each oLher. 1here ls a nonsLop exchange of lnformaLlon, ln Lhe forms of:
1helr physlcal appearances
1he conLenL of Lhelr words
1he emoLlons and vlbe" behlnd Lhose words
1he non-verbals, such as body language and eye conLacL
1here ls someLhlng abouL Lhe way !oe ls wlred LhaL unlquely en[oys Mary's curves. And
Mary geLs Lurned on by !oe's vocal LonallLy. ln each oLhers' eyes, Lhey sense exclLemenL
and a poLenLlal for someLhlng more. And as Lhey conLlnue Lo lnLeracL, Lhere ls a
feedback loop. !oe makes Mary laugh, and she Louches hlm genLly on Lhe arm ln reLurn.
1helr physlcal proxlmlLy beglns Lo lncrease, helplessly, and soon Lhey flnd lL lmposslble
Lo reslsL a klss.
Cn a meLaphyslcal level, whaL ls happenlng here?
!oe and Mary are exchanglng many !"#$%. 1he form of !oe's vocal LonallLy ls dlfferenL
Lhan LhaL of hls frlend Mlke's, and Lhe form of Mary's laugh ls dlfferenL Lhan LhaL of her
frlend 1racy's.
Conslder lL ln Lhls conLexL - supermodel Alessandra Ambroslo and Lalk show hosL 8osle
C'uonnell are Lwo dlfferenL represenLaLlons of Lhe form woman." lor reasons we
won'L geL lnLo here, mosL men flnd Ms. Ambroslo far more aLLracLlve Lhan Ms.
C'uonnell, and would prefer Lo look aL her, Lalk wlLh her, and sleep wlLh her.
ulLlmaLely, Lhen, human lnLeracLlons can be reduced Lo Lhe exchange of forms: a
nonsLop process of expresslng, recelvlng feedback, and lnLerpreLlng LhaL feedback.







We en[oy Lhls feedback loop when Lhe forms are Lo our llklng, and cerLaln forms are
generally more compelllng and aLLracLlve Lhan oLhers. A slender yeL curvy female
physlque ls Lyplcally preferred by men, whlle a deep and smooLh vocal Lone, for
example, ls Lyplcally preferred by women.
lnLeresLlngly, much of Lhls processlng happens subconsclously. ln hls book Soclal
lnLelllgence, sychologlsL uanlel Coleman wrlLes of emoLlonal conLaglon, for example,
how an unshakably happy person can lnfecL" an unhappy person merely by Lhe
sLrengLh of Lhelr emoLlon. ln Lhls way, even Lhe emoLlons exchanged ln an lnLeracLlon
have a parLlcular form.

1PL 8CC1 Cl A118AC1lCn
Lach form has a &'()*. 1hls value represenLs Lhe quallLy of experlence we have wlLh
LhaL form. We'll place a hlgher value on forms whlch make us feel beLLer and whlch
help us more.
1o puL Lhls ln very clear Lerms, conslder Lhe classlc 1-10 ranklng sysLem for female looks.
MosL men would rank Ms. Ambroslo a 9 or a 10, whlle Ms. C'uonnell would fall far
lower on Lhe scale. Whlle we aren'L runnlng around Lalklng abouL Lhe value of
Alessandra Ambroslo's form relaLlve Lo 8osle C'uonnell's," we have noneLheless creaLed
a ranklng sysLem for gauglng LhaL value and expresslng lL amongsL ourselves.
Conslder, Lhough, LhaL Lhere are probably a few men ouL Lhere who would prefer Ms.
C'uonnell's looks. AdmlLLedly, Lhls number ls probably low - buL as my faLher llkes Lo
say, Lhere's no accounLlng for LasLe.
ln meLaphyslcal Lerms, whaL's golng on here? Well, each and every human has a unlque
&'()* %,%-*$ whlch accounLs for Lhelr unlque preferences. ln Lhls deflnlLlon, you can
conslder your value sysLem Lo be someLhlng whlch exLends beyond your pollLlcal
leanlngs and culLural preferences - Lhlnk of lL as a fllLer, of sorLs, LhaL processes '(( of
Lhe lnformaLlon you recelve, and asslgns a value Lo lL.
1he smell of fresh-baked bread has a cerLaln value Lo you.
1he experlence of playlng a vldeo game has a cerLaln value Lo you.
1he lnLeracLlon you have wlLh a member of Lhe opposlLe sex has a cerLaln value Lo you.
1hese values are a comblnaLlon of naLure and nurLure - our blologlcal programmlng,
and our soclal condlLlonlng. 1hey accounL for personal preferences beLween such Lhlngs
as blondes vs. bruneLLes and !ay-Z vs. nas.

WhaL does Lhls all come down Lo? Well, Lhe rooL of
aLLracLlon ls Lhus: when a form has a value whlch ls a
maLch for your value sysLem, aLLracLlon happens. 1hlnk
of lL as a key flLLlng lnLo a keyhole. 1he key ls Lhe !"#$,
lLs unlque shape ls lLs &'()*, and Lhe shape of Lhe
keyhole ls Lhe &'()* %,%-*$.
never are we more aLLuned Lo a person's value Lhan wlLhln Lhe flrsL LhlrLy seconds of
meeLlng Lhem. We pay close aLLenLlon Lo Lhelr sub-communlcaLlons Lo make
deLermlnaLlons abouL Lhelr value, relaLlve Lo ours. ALLracLlon can happen lnsLanLly
beLween Lwo people when Lhey qulckly have a value maLch.
values can be compromlsed by alcohol, and oLher envlronmenLal and slLuaLlonal facLors.
Some men may prefer Lall women. Some men may prefer smarL women. Some men
may prefer red-halred Lsklmo women wlLh h.u.'s ln Molecular 8lology. Cur
preferences for Lhe rlghL" comblnaLlon of forms are never made more aware Lo us Lhan
when we are ln love, and owlng Lo Lhe unlqueness of Lhe experlence of all of Lhese
forms aL one Llme, love ls always a pleasure, and Lrue love ls always rare.
8uL whaL we may love one year may be dlfferenL Lhan LhaL whlch we love flve years
laLer. As we grow, our value sysLems change relaLlve Lo whaL Lhey were when we were
flrsL ln love wlLh a person. lf our parLners do noL evolve ln some Landem, we may fall
ouL of love, grow bored, or lose lnLeresL.
CrlLlcally, we each have a concepLlon of our own value. WlLness Lhe woman who only
daLes rlch men, or Lhe man who never sees hlmself as belng able Lo daLe very aLLracLlve
women. Lvery person has a concepLlon of Lhe world, or a !#'$* "! #*'(.-,, LhaL asslgns
dlfferenL values Lo dlfferenL people, places and Lhlngs. So whlle Lhe man may never see
hlmself as belng able Lo daLe a model, he may be uLLerly lndlfferenL lf LhaL ls noL
someLhlng LhaL he values.

1PL SCClAL MA18lx: vALuL LxCPAnCL ln 8AC1lCL
As parL of our day Lo day awareness, we are consLanLly maklng unconsclous calculaLlons
abouL Lhe value of Lhe people, places and Lhlngs ln our llves. We are aLLracLed Lo Lhlngs
of equal or hlgher value, and we lose aLLracLlon for Lhlngs wlLh lower value.
CrlLlcally, we are rarely reacLlve Lo Lhlngs wlLh lower value Lhan our self-percepLlon, buL
we can become very reacLlve Lo Lhlngs wlLh percelved hlgher value. Crushes and
obsesslons Lyplcally form when one lndlvldual ascrlbes a level of value Lo Lhe oLher ln a
way whlch ls noL reclprocaLed. ln oLher words, Lhe lnLeracLlon, as experlenced by boLh
parLles, ls quallLaLlvely dlfferenL - beLLer for Lhe crusher Lhan for Lhe crushee.
Cbsesslons - wheLher felL poslLlvely or negaLlvely - are Lhe resulL of Lremendously over-
valulng Lhe oLher parLy.
Whlle Lhere ls no flxed hlgher" value, we are greaLly lnfluenced by culLural and soclal
sLandards. Luxury and asplraLlonal brands draw Lhelr economlc premlum from Lhe
sLandard of hlgher value whlch has been creaLed as parL of Lhelr lnherenL quallLy, Lhelr
markeLlng and of how well cool-makers have adopLed Lhem.
Cur value sysLems are mosLly unconsclous, even wlLh a Lrack record of havlng daLed flve
bruneLLes ln a row, a blonde may come along and knock our socks off.
Cur value sysLems are hopelessly complex, we may flnd a glrl who maLches whaL should
be our exacL crlLerla, wlLh Lhe excepLlon of her man hands, and flnd ourselves unable Lo
become aroused by her.
Cur value sysLems are sub[ecL Lo change. 1he glrl we lusLed over ln Lhe clLy of 10,000
resldenLs may no longer be as compelllng afLer movlng Lo Lhe blg clLy and experlenclng
more beauLlful, culLured, and lnLelllgenL women.
We have a Lerm called !'((./0 ./-" ' 1*#%"/2% !#'$*, whlch means LhaL we essenLlally
accepL someone else's value sysLem, or frame of reallLy, as belng more compelllng Lhan
our own. A parLlcularly charlsmaLlc slnger of a small-Llme rock band may lead an
lmpresslonable and lnnocenL young woman Lo dye her halr, cover herself ln LaLLoos,
and sLarL dolng drugs - he has presenLed a more lnLeresLlng frame of reallLy Lhan hers.
MosL humans have a long-Lerm soclal sLraLegy of bulldlng value, and allgnlng Lhemselves
wlLh people of hlgh value. lL should follow on from all of Lhls reasonlng, Lhen, LhaL
beauLlful women are generally percelved as hlgh value for Lhelr appearance alone.
1here ls perhaps no greaLer example of Lhls Lhan ln new ?ork, Los Angeles, and Mlaml,
where Lhe excepLlonally beauLlful women are pald Lo aLLend clubs and parLles. 1helr
hlgh physlcal value brlngs oLher value ln Lhe form of wealLhy men. 1hus we see anoLher
rule of aLLracLlon: value aLLracLs value.
A person who has experlenced a recenL value splke - ln Lhe form of a promoLlon, a new
car, or even a surge of confldence from someLhlng LhaL ls hldden Lo hls frlends - wlll flnd
hlmself aLLracLlng more people. MosL men are usually on Lhelr besL game" shorLly
afLer a sexual encounLer.
Conversely, a person who has experlenced a recenL value drop - Lhe loss of a boyfrlend,
for example - may have several lnsLlncLlve responses. She may become lnsecure abouL
her oLher allgnmenLs, and grasp onLo Lhem more LlghLly. AlLernaLely, she may conLlnue
Lo make asserLlons of how popular or deslred she ls, reasserLlng her value Lo herself and
anyone who wlll llsLen.
lnLeresLlng Lhlngs happen when a soclal group ls creaLed. A soclal group almosL always
has a leader, who seLs Lhe values of Lhe group. 1haL leader may consclously or
subconsclously have crlLerla for lnLelllgence, physlcal appearance and soclal grace, and
wlll culLlvaLe relaLlonshlps wlLh Lhose who '33 &'()* Lo Lhe envlronmenL whlch he or
she ls Lrylng Lo creaLe or experlence.
ln soclal sclences, Lhe Lerm add value" has recenLly Laken hold as a caLch-all phrase for
belng soclally savvy. lL ls crlLlcal Lo undersLand LhaL Lhls concepL ls relaLlve amongsL
lndlvlduals, and Lo a cerLaln exLenL, a funcLlon of Lhe envlronmenL. A Lruly soclally
lnLelllgenL lndlvldual wlll callbraLe Lo Lhe norms of Lhe people around Lhem and
conLrlbuLe Lo LhaL group ln a way whlch may be dlfferenL Lhan how he or she would
conLrlbuLe Lo anoLher group.
eople accepL as a leader Lhe person who ls mosL sure of hls or her values - or frame of
reallLy - and who can creaLe Lhe mosL compelllng reallLy for Lhem Lo experlence. 1he
grade schooler wlLh older slsLers ls exposed Lo more unlque muslc and oLher culLural
elemenLs Lo whlch Lhe oLher klds are noL, and Lhus, seLs Lhe coolness" value for Lhe
group.
ln Lhe broader soclal conLexL of mass socleLy," Lhe cool-makers are Lhe lndlvlduals who
creaLe arL, muslc, oLher expresslve medla, or even caLch-phrases LhaL are qulckly
en[oyed and adopLed by oLhers. A 1v characLer such as Sasha 8aron Cohen's 4#)/"
creaLed lmmense culLural value wlLh Lwo slmple words Sexy 1lme!"
ln anoLher example, hlsLory wlll declde wheLher kanye WesL ls seen as Lhe volce of Lhls
generaLlon, of Lhls decade (hls words), buL he cerLalnly creaLes coolness" ln hls muslc
and hls sLyle. WlLh hls consLanL references Lo Louls vulLLon and Cuccl, he also creaLes a
vlrLuous value cycle for hlmself and for oLher hlgh-value brands.
8elng cool and on Lhe lnslde of a Lrend, Lhen, means close access Lo cool-makers or Lhelr
creaLlons. Many soclal leaders have Lhe greaLesL '55*%% or '6.(.-, -" 5#*'-* new or
lnLeresLlng forms of value LhaL have Lhe poLenLlal Lo achleve mass appeal - wheLher LhaL
be a new hlp-hop slngle, a new club or resLauranL openlng, or a new lnLerpreLaLlon of
Cod's word.
1o carry on Lhls noLlon, kanye has conLlnued Lo sLay cool by .//"&'-./0. Pls forays lnLo
fashlon and deslgn, and hls ablllLy Lo promoLe new arLlsLlc aesLheLlcs has kepL hls lmage
from geLLlng sLale. kanye has noL only sLayed on Lhe edge, he has helped deflne lL.
And of course, lf your values don'L maLch kanye's, Lhen you could probably care less.
value ls relaLlve.
CrlLlcally, Lhe fllp-slde of value ls accesslblllLy. lf we belleve LhaL Lhe value we seek ls
someLhlng we deserve, we feel secure ln accesslng lL. Powever, lf we doubL our ablllLy
Lo aLLracL and hold LhaL form of value, lnsecurlLy and defenslveness may hold us back
from accesslng lL.
lnLeresLlngly, lL ls Lhls sense of deservedness, or permlsslon, whlch creaLes 5"/!.3*/5*.
When women say LhaL Lhey are looklng for a confldenL man who ls [usL belng hlmself,
whaL Lhey mean ls LhaL Lhey wanL a man who ls uLLerly comforLable wlLh hls own value.
1hls man's verbal and non-verbal communlcaLlons wlll palnL a plcLure LhaL a falrly
lnLulLlve woman wlll undersLand.
lnsecurlLy ofLen rears lLs head when we feel ouL of place relaLlve Lo Lhe value of our
envlronmenL. We may be lnLellecLually, physlcally or soclally ouLclassed, and raLher
Lhan acknowledge Lhe value dlsparlLy and elLher remove ourselves from Lhe group, or
accepL a subordlnaLe poslLlon, we may aLLempL Lo aLLack Lhe envlronmenL's value lLself,
or LhaL of Lhe people ln lL. usually, we merely wlsh Lo flL ln, buL unable Lo do LhaL, we
become defenslve or conLempLuous.
1wo classlc examples of Lhls are Lhe glrl who Lells herself l wouldn'L wanL Lo be a parL of
LhaL scene anyway" or Lhe man who reflexlvely refers Lo Lhe woman who [usL re[ecLed
hlm as a dumb blLch".
ln exLreme cases, we may wanL so lnLensely Lo access LhaL envlronmenL's value LhaL we
ploL, spread rumors, and make secreLlve alllances. 8aLher Lhan add value Lo a Lhe group
or envlronmenL, we drag Lhe whole group's value down Lo our level.
1hls also happens ln relaLlonshlps beLween Lwo people, a man may puL on a good show
for a woman ln Lhe flrsL few weeks of daLlng, only Lo be wroughL wlLh lnsecurlLles whlch
laLer plague Lhe relaLlonshlp. 1hese may be expressed ln Lhe form of abuse, lack of
supporL for her goals, frlends and soclal ouLleLs, or lndlfference - all low value forms
whlch are meanL Lo make Lhe man feel more comforLable and secure.
All of Lhese examples are meanL Lo lllusLraLe Lhe %"5.'( $'-#.7 - Lhe nonsLop exchange
LhaL occurs beLween an lndlvldual and anoLher lndlvldual, or an lndlvldual and a group.
1hls Lhen begs Lhe quesLlon: whaL are Lhe ulLlmaLe forms of value whlch lnfluence Lhe
soclal maLrlx, and whlch, ln Lurn, creaLe aLLracLlon beLween Lwo people?


PCW Cu8 SCClAL vALuL S?S1LMS A8L lC8MLu
Pere we are golng Lo venLure lnLo new LerrlLory and lnLroduce some concepLs LhaL, Lo
Lhe besL of my knowledge, are unlque Lo my perspecLlve on soclal sysLems.
As prevlously sLaLed, l belleve LhaL a person's value sysLem ls parL nurLure, parL naLure.
ln oLher words, parL soclal condlLlonlng, and parL blologlcal condlLlonlng.
ln some clrcles of soclology, wlsdom holds LhaL we are aLLracLed Lo people wlLh hlgh
survlval and repllcaLlon value. S&8 value ls LhaL whlch our genes seek for us - Lhe
person wlLh Lhe hlghesL S&8 value wlll bear us Lhe besL offsprlng wlLh Lhe greaLesL
chance of survlval.
Cn Lhls maLLer, evoluLlonary blologlsLs Lend Lo agree. We learn LhaL maLlng sLraLegles
amongsL dlfferenL anlmals are a funcLlon of Lhelr envlronmenLs, Lhelr blology, Lhelr
soclal sysLems, and Lhe amounL of Llme lL Lakes Lo ralse Lhelr offsprlng Lo maLurlLy."
AmongsL men, Lhe person wlLh Lhe hlghesL S&8 value ls Lyplcally Lhe alpha male of a
group, and Lhere are cerLaln lndlcaLors of hls sLaLus. lor example, he ls a proLecLor of
loved ones, he ls a leader of men, he ls pre-selecLed" by oLher women, and he ls
efflclenL aL organlzlng resources. We can see correlaLlons beLween Lhese LralLs, and
modern Lhlngs whlch men exhlblL or verbally sLaLe ln an aLLempL Lo bulld aLLracLlon:
roLecLor of Loved Cnes = A man dlscusslng hls famlly, llLLle slsLer, or nleces/nephews
Leader of Men = Pe ls popular and respecLed amongsL hls frlends
re-SelecLed by Women = Pe walks lnLo a venue wlLh one or several women on hls arm
LfflclenL aL Crganlzlng 8esources = Pe's 8lch
Any man who can exhlblL Lhese LralLs wlll llkely be a good faLher, and Lhus, have hlgh
S&8 value. And up Lo Lhls polnL, a domlnanL school of Lhlnklng ln aLLracLlon sclence"
has held LhaL women vlew men excluslvely Lhrough Lhls lens. 1hus, good soclal skllls
means belng able Lo prove Lo a woman, as qulckly as posslble, LhaL we have hlgh S&8
value.
lalr enough - Lhe ablllLy Lo demonsLraLe S&8 value ls powerful. lL ls communlcaLed
Lhrough everyLhlng a man does - hls non-verbals, hls sLorles, hls cloLhes, Lhe way LhaL
hls frlends LreaL hlm, eLc. lL ls noL uncommon for a woman Lo be aLLracLed Lo a man,
only Lo see hls frlends dlsrespecL hlm, and Lhen Lo lose aLLracLlon. Conversely, lf she
sees LhaL he ls a leader, LhaL he doesn'L work Loo hard aL lL, LhaL oLher women are
lnLeresLed ln hlm, and LhaL he Lakes care of Lhe people around hlm, she wlll have an
lncreased level of aLLracLlon.
8uL lf Lhe sLory ended Lhere, Lhen we could reduce aLLracLlon Lo a geneLlc algorlLhm LhaL
could be LaughL and communlcaLed soclally. 1he plck-up" communlLy has aLLempLed
Lo deconsLrucL Lhls algorlLhm, and some very smarL mlnds have lnLroduced remarkable
ldeas along Lhese llnes.
8uL we are no longer a specles LhaL runs around ln Lhe woods, hunLlng for berrles and
mammoLhs. Cur complex soclal sysLems, and Lhe addlLlon of lelsure Llme and luxurles
Lo our way of llfe, has creaLed a new seL of crlLerla for [udgmenL whlch ls llkely excluslve
Lo humans. AL rlsk of soundlng new-agey, We'll call Lhls a soclallzed value fllLer."
Cur soclallzed value fllLers accounL for preferences whlch are less blologlcally drlven
Lhan Lhey are drlven by .3*/-.-, '/3 *71*#.*/5*. vlcLorlan men had a remarkably
dlfferenL deflnlLlon of female beauLy Lhan do humans ln Lhe 21
sL
cenLury. lf Lhere ls such
a Lhlng as a flxed sLandard of femlnlne beauLy, lL has more Lo do wlLh whaL a woman's
body says abouL her S&8 value, relaLlve Lo socleLy aL LhaL Llme, Lhan lL does wlLh Lhe
exacL form LhaL her body Lakes.
Soclallzed value fllLers reflecL Lhree domlnanL lnsLlncLs ln human belngs: sLlmulaLlon,
safeLy, and ldenLlLy relnforcemenL.
!"#$%&'"#()* We all seek sLlmulaLlon Lo make ourselves !**(, and our Lolerances and
preferences are unlque on a person-by-person basls. Some may prefer Lhe physlcal
sLlmulaLlon of a fooL rub Lo LhaL of a back scraLch. Some may prefer Lo be generally
emoLlonally sLlmulaLed Lhan Lo be generally lnLellecLually sLlmulaLed. Some may prefer
beer, some may prefer wlne. 1he sorL of sLlmulaLlon we seek wlll llkely change wlLh
Llme, affecLlng our value sysLem.
We have dlfferenL sLlmulaLlon Lhresholds, afLer whlch we wlll Lake acLlon. Some men
need very llLLle sLlmulaLlon - perhaps noLhlng more Lhan looklng aL an aLLracLlve woman
- Lo wanL Lo have sex wlLh her. CLhers wanL more lnLellecLual sLlmulaLlon and en[oy
geLLlng Lo know a woman before becomlng lnLlmaLe. nelLher ls rlghL or wrong, Lhey
merely reflecL Lhe preferences of Lhe lndlvldual ln quesLlon.
ln pracLlcal Lerms, a ma[or form of glvlng value ls Lo sLlmulaLe someone ln a way whlch
makes Lhem feel good.
lf a person could go from momenL Lo momenL, flndlng new sources of sLlmulaLlon, Lhelr
world would be an lnLeresLlng place. 1hls was Lhe llfe of one glrl l knew, who cycled
Lhrough food, drugs, parLylng and men, rarely Laklng Lhe Llme Lo seLLle, reflecL, or
lnLrospecL. 1he general prlnclpal ls LhaL lf people can flnd easy-Lo-access sources of
sLlmulaLlon, Lhey wlll become relucLanL Lo leL Lhose go. 1he more addlcLlve LhaL
someone's personallLy ls, Lhe more suscepLlble Lhey wlll be Lo sLlmulaLlon of any form
LhaL meshes wlLh Lhelr value sysLem.

!'+,"-* Cn Lhe fllp slde of sLlmulaLlon, we flnd safeLy. lew people can experlence llfe as
a nonsLop wave of sLlmulaLlon. A famlllar example: we work durlng Lhe week ln order Lo
parLy on Lhe weekends. We llve ln a world whlch grows from and rewards Lhe creaLlon
of value, and lf we are noL conLrlbuLlng Lo Lhls efforL, we sLand Lo rlsk noL only our ablllLy
Lo access sLlmulaLlon, buL Lo even survlve.
Some lndlvlduals are sLrongly moLlvaLed by safeLy, seeklng lL ln Lhelr soclal ouLleLs, Lhelr
employmenL and Lhelr relaLlonshlps. 1he exLenL Lo whlch someLhlng ls aLLracLlve Lo
Lhem ls a funcLlon of how secure and solld lL seems. As women begln Lo seek marlLal
parLners, safeLy becomes an lmporLanL crlLerlon upon whlch poLenLlal sulLors are
[udged.
1he envlronmenL ln whlch a person was ralsed, Lhelr confldence ln Lhelr ablllLles, and
Lhelr Lhreshold for uncerLalnLy all help deLermlne how lmporLanL a facLor safeLy ls when
conslderlng poLenLlal maLes.

./,)"#"- 1,#)+(23,$,)"* A Lhlrd, and crlLlcal, soclallzed value ls ldenLlLy relnforcemenL.
We all have a sLory we Lell ourselves abouL who we are, and we consLanLly seek ways Lo
relnforce LhaL sLory. 1he punk-rock hlgh schooler who Lells hlmself LhaL he would never
wear 8lrkensLocks lsn'L maklng a quallLaLlve [udgmenL on Lhe fooLwear, buL raLher,
expresslng a preference whlch ls lnfluenced by hls ldenLlLy.
ldenLlLy relnforcemenL ls a powerful drlver, and can accounL for why a person may or
may noL choose a maLe who would oLherwlse be an ldeal flL. noL only do we have a
sLory Lo uphold amongsL ourselves, buL our frlends and famlly also have an lmpresslon
of who we are LhaL we Lyplcally aLLempL Lo uphold. lf our ldenLlLy Lells us LhaL we are a
person who only daLes bankers", a good glrlfrlend", or an academlc," we may close
ourselves ouL Lo people who would make us compromlse Lhose ldenLlLy values. lor
example, Lhe academlc could close Lhemselves off Lo a very lnLelllgenL person who does
noL flL lnLo academlc clrcles.
no maLLer how hard we mlghL Lry Lo escape Lhem, our ldenLlLles are an lnLegral parL of
our place ln Lhls world, and everyone ls suscepLlble Lo ldenLlLy flux when ln Llmes of
LranslLlon or value ad[usLmenL. 1he besL we can hope Lo do ls Lo creaLe value ln a way
whlch we en[oy, whlch ls en[oyed by oLhers around us, and whlch helps us llve ln a world
ln whlch we are equally sLlmulaLed and secure.
Cur soclallzed values come from our experlences. Speclflcally, our experlences wlLh:
lamlly & lrlends
8ellglon & SplrlLuallLy
Medla & AdverLlslng
Self-CondlLlonlng (Lhe LhoughL loops ln our own heads)
As we llve and grow, Lhe feedback loop of experlence Lells us whlch values are
lmporLanL Lo us, whlch need Lo change, and whlch need Lo evolve. And so lL happens
LhaL a man or a woman flnds Lhemselves aL a place ln Lhelr llfe where Lhey are noL
happy - wlLh Lhelr frlends, relaLlonshlps, [ob, or hablLs. erhaps Lhey have recenLly
broken up wlLh Lhelr glrlfrlend, and reallze LhaL Lhey do noL know how Lo meeL women.
erhaps Lhey look aL Lhelr career and have a mldllfe crlsls as Lhey reallze LhaL Lhey were
llvlng accordlng Lo someone else's values.
1he values and forms of expresslon whlch goL Lhem Lo where Lhey are do noL maLch
whaL Lhey now wanL for Lhemselves. AL Lhls polnL, self-awareness and Lhe llmlLaLlons of
Lhelr ablllLles and/or ldenLlLy ofLen smacks Lhem ln Lhe face. lL ls ln Lhese crlLlcal
momenLs LhaL Lhey can make Lhe declslon Lo change, Lo evolve, Lo learn new skllls, and
Lo embrace new values ln Lhelr own llves.
A person who wanLs Lo become beLLer aL communlcaLlng wlLh oLhers, Lhen, has Lwo
lmperaLlves: 6*5"$* someone valuable, and (*'#/ Lhe forms of communlcaLlon whlch
have Lhe mosL value Lo oLhers.
ln oLher words, belng aLLracLlve ls someLhlng you '#*, '/3 someLhlng you 3"8 Whlle we
may learn behavlors Lo arLlflclally pump our own value or lower LhaL of oLhers, l belleve
LhaL we all sLrlve Lo be auLhenLlc and genulnely confldenL.
And ln concerL, we have Lo learn soclal callbraLlon - Lhe ablllLy Lo read slLuaLlons and
lndlvlduals - so LhaL we can be as soclally effecLlve wlLh as many people as posslble.