A Tray of Ice Cubes

Daphne and Colin were spending Friday evening as they spent most Friday evenings in front of the telly with a microwaved dinner and a bottle of sweet German wine, watching their favourite programme; a camcorder compilation of matrimonial mishaps and wedding-day disasters called The orld!s orst eddings!" #ach programme treated its viewers to a parade of doomed brides tumbling down church steps, or s$idding bac$wards and landing legs%in%the%air on dance floors" &eautifully crafted, four%tiered wedding ca$es toppled slowly sideways li$e 'isan towers and then collapsed into rubbly heaps of icing" (orses bolted with their empty landaus from the church gates" The weather outside the churches was always turbulent, lifting the brides! dresses up over their heads to reveal saucy bridal lingerie, or whipping the top hats off the heads of the men who chased them through churchyards li$e farmers after troupes of grey hens" This anthology of croo$edly shot, poorly focused visions of minor catastrophes had Daphne and Colin in stitches" They laughed until they hurt" They winced at painful bits )drun$en sword%dancing, mar*uees bulging with stored rain+, drew in their breath, gave each other moc$%horrified loo$s, groaned, giggled, shoo$ their heads pityingly and put their hands over their mouths" &y the end of the programme, as the credits rolled *uic$ly over a reprise of the choicest clips, Colin and Daphne felt e,hausted" Their -aws ached and their voices were hoarse" &ut at the same time they felt refreshed and reassured by the sense they had that other people!s lives were a train of small calamities, and that while their own lives might not be everything they!d wished for, at least they were ordered havens of static ob-ects and common sense people" The orld!s orst eddings renewed for them each wee$

their sense of their own worth as people while fortifying them for the routine struggles of the wee$ ahead" Daphne was manager of the #rith branch of &urger orld where she supervised a crew of twenty surly teenagers and two shift managers" /he could handle )though rarely needed to+ one hundred and fifty customers an hour" /he was a good branch manager" /he had, in the words of Dale, her area e,ecutive, $etchup in her blood!" /he was blonde, wide, bu,om and clever" /he was forty%seven" Colin her coeval, childhood sweetheart and husband of thirty years was a bus driver" (e had power%steered red double%dec$ers from Trafalgar /*uare through the suburbs of /outh #ast 0ondon for almost as long as they!d been married" 1n the early days he had sat alone in the forward cab of a 2outemaster, obeying the bells, bu33ers and $noc$s of his conductor" Then, at the beginning of the /eventies, he was as$ed to merge two people into his one body and become both driver and conductor of the new pay%as% you%enter buses" 1t had been difficult at first, and he felt bad about the conductors who lost their -obs, but he managed the transition with some panache" (e has twice been a finalist in the /outh #ast &us Driver of the 4ear 5wards" (e genuinely cared about his human cargo" (e too$ corners carefully" hen he stopped he stopped gently and his passengers all nodded in unison" (is sedentary life and fondness for the odd pint had given him a roly%poly figure and a thic$ening of fat around the nec$" (is hair was dar$ but thinning on top, combed bac$ and out of the way behind his ears, half an inch short of un$empt" (is teeth were sharp, symmetrical, stained with cigar tobacco" (e was stretched out on the couch, still in his bus drivers6 uniform which, with its wine%coloured bla3er and striped tie, made him loo$ li$e a ridiculous schoolboy" This added to the shoc$ Daphne felt when he turned his bric$%red face, still damp with laughing, towards her and said, in a voice *uiet with e,citement, 70ove, 1 thin$ 1!m pregnant"6

-2Daphne was busy with tomatoes, slicing them in a machine called a tomato shar$"

1ndia, one of her shift managers, was preparing burger cartons" There was a lull in trade at &urger orld, as there usually was mid%afternoon" 1ndia hated these lulls as they made the time drag, although she found a simple satisfaction in the clever origami of her burger cartons" 5 flat card envelope is e,tracted from the pac$et which, with a deft twist of the thumbs, flips into a three%dimensional bo, with hinged lid, catch and steam vents" 9f all the crew 1ndia was closest to Daphne" They did not meet outside the wor$place )apart from the Christmas do+ but in &urger orld they regarded each other as friends" 1ndia li$ed Daphne!s boldness, her sturdiness" /he admired her" /he thought if Daphne was a building she would be a provincial town hall solid, sensible, yet not without ornamentation and humour" 1ndia would be one of those little striped tents wor$men erect over manholes" /o she reacted at first with disbelief and bewilderment when she noticed Daphne was crying" /he left her teetering tower of yet%to%be%filled cartons and wal$ed hesitantly towards Daphne as if to a statue that had moved" Closer she could see it was true Daphne, good old blonde%haired, piss%ta$ing, dependable Daphne was crying" The water was spilling out of her eyes, falling off the end of her nose and salting her tomatoes" 75re you crying, Daph:6 1ndia uselessly as$ed" Daphne, whose head was hanging, suddenly drew her face bac$, as if to ma$e the tears withdraw into her eyes" 1t was as though she hadn!t $nown she was crying" /he fumbled in her poc$et for a han$y, couldn!t find one" 1ndia gave her a serviette" 7/tupid,6 said Daphne, holding the paper to her eyes li$e a blindfold, still with her other hand on the lever of the tomato shar$" 75nything 1 can do:6 /aid 1ndia" Daphne too$ a deep breath, held it for what seemed li$e a dangerous length of time, then e,haled loudly" /he too$ the paper away from her eyes, loo$ed at 1ndia with a half smile that was meant to say 1!m fine now!, then collapsed into uncontrollable sobs" /ome of the other staff noticed" &aseball%capped heads peered round the sides of broilers, or beneath frier hoods" 1ndia too$ hold of Daphne!s sha$ing frame )the first time, she realised, that she!d touched her manager+ and guided her into the cramped space of telephones, files, lists and memos that served as an office"

7 hat!s up Daph:

hat!s going on:6

71 can!t say" <othing" /od it"6 7Don!t you thin$ you should tal$ about it:6 Daphne gave a cho$ed laugh" 71 wouldn!t $now where to begin"6 7Try the beginning"6 Daphne compressed her lips, shoo$ her head so slightly it was li$e trembling" 71s it your old man: 1s there something wrong with Colin:6 This was an educated guess" Colin!s health was a regular topic of conversation between Daphne and 1ndia % his latest digestive problem or heart attac$ scare, his creeping arthritis, even his occasional lac$ of libido" 1ndia had never met Colin but she thought she must $now more about his body than his own doctor" 1ndia could tell by Daphne!s stillness that she!d hit the mar$" 7 hat is it: 1s he ill:6 71t sounds so stupid, 1ndia love" 1 don!t $now how to say it" 1 haven!t told anyone, not even my =um"6 74ou can tell me"6 7 ell 1!ve got to tell someone>6 Daphne was whispering now, even though there was no one within earshot, 7>a few months ago about si, months ago Colin got this idea into his head 1 mean he really believes it, that he!s>6 74es:6 1ndia!s eyes were round and e,pectant" 7(e thin$s he!s pregnant"6 /ilence" Then 1ndia let out a giggle, *uic$ly put her hand to her mouth as if to catch it, but she carried on giggling into her hand, muffled" 7Don!t 1ndia, please love"6 71!m sorry, but this has got to be a -o$e, yeah:6 7That!s what 1 thought at first" 5 -o$e" 5 sic$ -o$e" e gave up trying to have $ids ten years ago" 1!ve told you all about that" There isn!t a day goes by, even now, when 1 don!t thin$ about the $ids we could have had if things had wor$ed out" 1 could have been a gran by now" &ut 1 thought Colin had forgotten all about it" 4ou $now he never

was that bothered, not really, even when we were going up to the clinic every wee$" (e was doing it for me really" &ut now it loo$s li$e something!s got to him> (e!s started converting our spare room bac$ into a nursery" muc$ around with baby things" bro$e my heart" of the toys" e had it as a nursery when we were going for the treatment" @ust hoping we could put a baby in it" @ust to have the chance to hen we finally called it a day we gutted the room" 1t e didn!t throw anything away, it was funny, but suddenly everyone we

$new needed baby stuff" =ost of it went to my sister the clothes, the cot, the ma-ority e painted over the Tiggers with oatmeal, then 1 used the room for my china e never miss a craft fair" 1 had a little $iln in painting" 4ou $now me and my china"

there and everything" &ut now he!s gone and painted new Tiggers on the walls" (e!s splashed out on a posh cot with brass bits on" (e says we have to have everything ready in time" 1t!s due in <ovember"6 7Daphne, you!ve got to get him to a doctor" Get his head sorted out>6 71 $now" The trouble is, in every other way he!s completely normal, you $now, so Colinish, so bloody boringly Colinish" (e!s still driving his buses, though he rec$ons he won!t fit behind the wheel for much longer" (e!s given up the pipe and cigars" (e doesn!t even have a drin$ now" (e says he!s got to ta$e care of himself" &ut what really frightens me is that 1!m starting to believe him" 1t!s li$e 1!m going mad as well" 1 find myself loo$ing at his beer gut to see if it!s getting bigger>6 75nd is it:6 Daphne allowed herself a brief, snee3y laugh" 71 $eep thin$ing it is getting bigger" 5nd he!s off the beer" hen he!s asleep 1 put my hand on it and feel for movements" =aybe 1 do feel something $ic$, or is it -ust a bubble of wind: Then 1!ll listen for a heartbeat" 1 can hear something, but is it -ust Colin!s heart" 1 don!t $now>6 7&ut Daph, you!ve got to hold on to the true facts" 4ou!ve got to remember he can!t be pregnant"6 7&ut why not:6 Daphne!s voice had ac*uired a haughtiness that was new to 1ndia" 1ndia tried to match the tone, 7(e!s a blo$e isn!t he:6 Daphne closed her eyes dismissively"

7Colin spun me this long story about how he went to a clinic where they!re testing out a new type of fertility treatment, which means the man carrying the embryo instead of the woman"6 1ndia is dismissive now" 71t!s true,6 Daphne continued, 71!ve read up about it" There are people doing wor$ on it right now" They say they don!t need any wombs, -ust a place in the body with a good blood supply" They!ve planted fertilised eggs on the outer wall of the large intestine of a male mouse and it!s gone on to give birth" 1 $now they need one of my eggs but Colin says they $ept some from when we were going for the treatment" (e rec$ons they!ve got a whole dish of them up there" 1 $now it!s rubbish but 1 can!t help thin$ing sometimes" 5nd then 1 loo$ at that huge tummy of his and it moves>6 7Daphne, 1 don!t want to $now" 9f course he hasn!t been to any clinic" (e!s flipped his lid" (e!s got to that age, all men get to it"6 Daphne laughed inwardly at the confidence with which eighteen%year%old 1ndia tal$ed about men" 7(is tomatoes have gone to pot" The whole crop" #very year he grows these wonderful tomatoes" They!ve got the best spot in the garden, sunny all day long" (e even goes down the stables with a shovel so he can mulch the horseshit into them" They!re ready by late 5ugust" condition" ell, this year he!s -ust left them" (e!d lost interest by @une" They were still green in 5ugust" (e says he!s gone right off tomatoes now, because of his e used to have such lovely salads,6 Daphne loo$ed across at the bowl of heaped tomato slices, li$e opened hearts" 71 had to pic$ them myself" /till green" (e wasn!t going to bother" 1 put them in brown paper bags and $ept them under the stairs" They!re only -ust beginning to go yellow now" (e has cravings for potatoes"6 1ndia didn!t $now what to say" /he noticed a poster on the bac$ of the door which reminded staff of the importance of add%ons!, and provided a script which specified the e,act phrasing to be used" 1f a customer wants a hamburger, staff must say would you li$e fries with that:! 1f a customer wants a hamburger with fries, staff must say would you li$e a drin$ with that:! &urger orld provides staff with a script for almost every possible interaction with a customer, from the cheery greetings to the cheery goodbyes" /taff are e,pected to follow these scripts to the letter" 1ndia found it very helpful at first,

in dealing with customers, to have her words written for her in advance, but after a while she found that it damaged her ability to tal$ spontaneously outside the wor$place" /he wanted scripts for every social encounter, and had to wor$ hard at relearning her ability to converse" <ow, with Daphne, she longed again for guidance from head office" 71!m out of my Depth, Daph"6 71!m alright, 1ndia love" Get bac$ to your prep" 1!ll sort my old man out somehow"6 1ndia went bac$ to her prep, magic$ing cartons out of nothing" Daphne went bac$ to slicing her tomatoes" They never, for the rest of their lives, say anything to each other on this sub-ect again"

-3The orld!s orst eddings is on" Daphne is watching it alone" Colin is having

a lie%down upstairs" Daphne isn!t finding the programme funny this wee$" /he is watching it but the laughter isn!t coming" Those toppling wedding ca$es -ust loo$ sad now" The windy wedding days, flooded mar*uees, runaway carriages" 9ne clip in particular ma$es her wince when a groom faints during the ceremony, falls into his wife%to%be and $noc$s her to the floor" &ut she watches the programme anyway, even though she hasn!t found it funny for wee$s" 1t is <ovember now" 0ast year this programme saw them into winter, too$ them up to Christmas" &ut Daphne wonders if she!ll watch it again" Colin is watching it on the portable upstairs, which produces a stereophonic effect" The laughter from the programme is thus given a strangely haunting *uality, as though it is not coming from the television, but from the house itself" Daphne, as the programme finishes with a curious note of triumphalism, barely notices the call coming from upstairs" Colin!s wea$ voice comes down to her 7Daph, love"6

7 hat is it:6 /he calls bac$, slightly impatiently" For the last two wee$s Colin has been off wor$ and has spent most of the time in bed" 7Can you come up, love:6 /he leaves it for a few minutes, clears away her mostly uneaten pi33a, puts a half% empty coffee mug into the sin$, wipes the wor$top and then goes wearily upstairs" /i, months of worrying have e,hausted her" /he wal$s into the bedroom" Colin is lying on his bac$ on top of the bedclothes" (is abdomen loo$s huge to her, suddenly, a great dome, all blubber, she is sure, but it has grown anyway over the last si, months" (e has the tv remote in his hand and is gripping it so hard his $nuc$les are creamy white" The portable set on the dressing table is a babble of advertising" 7 hat!s up:6 /he was going to say, but on seeing Colin!s face realises" (e is red, his breath is short and his face is loose with fear, the eyes helpless" 71t!s starting, love"6 Daphne sits beside him" (is whole body seems to clench and unclench li$e a fist" /he puts her hand on his clammy forehead" 7Ta$e it easy, love,6 she says, 7@ust stay calm"6 71 feel funny in my tummy, Daph,6 he says, 70ove, 1 can feel it coming out" 1 thin$ my waters have bro$en"6 /he notices a dar$ stain on the bed spreading out from between Colin!s legs" 71!m scared, Daph, all this stuff!s coming out"6 7Don!t worry"6 7Can you stop it coming out, 0ove, get a towel or something"6 /he goes to the bathroom, returns with a bath towel they were still paying the catalogue for" 79pen your legs, 0ove"6 (e opens them" 5n unpleasant odour rises" Daphne presses the towel up against him" 7/hall 1 get the doctor, Colin:6 7<o,6 he says urgently, 7<o, please"6 75 midwife:6

71 thin$ it!s too late, 0ove"6 The bed is warm and wet" /uddenly Colin clasps his swollen belly, shouts to Daphne, 71t!s coming, Daph" Get something to catch it" Euic$ly, 0ove, a buc$et, anything"6 /he rushes to the bathroom again" There is nothing suitable" /he has to go downstairs to the $itchen" The only thing she can find is their non%stic$ wo$" Daphne has only used it once in five years" Colin is moaning when she returns" /he puts the lips of the wo$ up against his perineum" Thin, cloudy li*uid dribbles into it" The bedroom ree$s" Colin is crying, tears running sideways down his face, his lips wide, his tongue li$e a plump little plum in his mouth" 0ater Daphne clears up" /he yan$s the sheets off the bed, piles them into the already overloaded washing bas$et, then wonders what to do with the mattress" Colin is downstairs on the couch in a dressing gown" /he has given him a bath and he smells nice" 5fter she has sorted the bedding out Daphne comes downstairs into the tv room and $isses Colin on the crown of the head, where his hair is thinnest, ta$ing in the fragrance of his scalp" 7(ow about a drin$:6 /he says" Colin thin$s for a moment, then nods, almost apologetically" 75 nice gin and tonic:6 Colin nods again" Daphne goes to the $itchen, ta$es a tray of ice cubes out of the fridge" 5 do3en nuggets of fro3en water" 5s usual she has trouble e,tracting them" /he bends the tray as much as its metal will allow, and there is a tired, crea$ing sound" Then something snaps and an ice cube pops out and clatters on the wor$top" /he has to use a $nife to get the rest out, levering dangerously at the chipped edges of each cube" There must be an easier way of ma$ing ice, she thin$s as she divides her four cubes between two tumblers, splashes some gin and tonic water on top of them and listens to the whee3es and crac$s as they e,pand into the warmth of the alcohol"

/he ta$es the drin$s into the tv room and sits with Colin for the rest of the evening, then they go to bed" Daphne leaves the tray of ice cubes out on the wor$top" /he forgets to put them bac$ in the fridge" 1n the morning, when she comes down into the $itchen, yawning and almost happy, her heart falters when she sees the tray of ice cubes on the wor$top; it is a trembling, lively, blood%warm tray of water"

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