Sex is the glue in a marriage

Posted on September 18, 2012 This is a subject Ive been ruminating on for a while, based on numerous things Ive read. And I dont want you ladies out there to be angry, but there seems to be a blind spot for a lot of married women out there that somehow sex isnt that important once you get married. That somehow its just a thing that guys li!e." #r, Im too tired$too bored$too pissed off" to have sex. %ome just dont seem to get that a marital relationship is still a romantic, living thing that must be nurtured li!e any other relationship, and that sex is a healthy, normal part of the nurturing process that its far more an emotional than physical experience for men &despite the clich's to the contrary(. Sex is the glue. %ex is certainly not everything, and in the greater scheme of a marriage, its actually a pretty small part of the overall interaction between two people, but, truly, sex is the glue" in a marriage. Its what holds all the rest together. )hy* +ot because the only thing men care about is sex, but because its how, even with the !ids and the jobs and all the other crap that goes on during day to day life, a husband and wife can unite and rejoin, !eeping alive the sense of oneness that existed when they were newly in love.

The statistics regarding sexless marriages state that around 15% of married couples in the United States live in what is what is defined as a sexless marriage, which is sexual intercourse occurring 10 times or less each ear! )hile some accept their fate and do nothing about it for myriad reasons, there is no doubt that the lac! of sex can create tension and resentment within a marriage and can threaten its very existence. ,sually, only one of the couple loses his or her sex drive. The other still craves sex and feels deprived. )hen this happens, the chances of divorce in the near or far future may increase dramatically.

-illions of people with low desire are simply not concerned about or troubled by their lac! of interest in marital sexual intimacy. +or are they particularly motivated to do much about it. .ust as! their spouses/ "eing complacent a#out ho$hum or non$existent sex is a formula for marital disaster! )hen one spouse is sexually dissatisfied and the other is oblivious, unconcerned or uncaring, and has no interest, sex isnt the only casualty0 intimacy on every level becomes non1existent. %pouses stop touching affectionately, having meaningful tal!s, laughing at each others jo!es, or connecting emotionally. They become li!e two ships passing in the night. %nfidelit and&or divorce #ecome all too real threats! So what happened to the sex after we got married' Its li!e that old jo!e 2 Q: How do you cure a nymphomaniac? A: Marry her

)e laugh because its funny, but we also laugh because its true. Its a story Ive heard from friends in real life and read about on line over and over again. In the beginning, your wife was charming and 3uite appealing. 4ou had no problems with intimacy. 4our wife couldnt !eep her hands off of you. 4ou felt desired, cherished and loved. 5efore long, the atmosphere changed. 4our wife became less and less interested in sex. 4our wife is still charming and appealing and your level of desire hasnt changed but that person who once seemed so giving sexually has now become rather stingy with her affections. 4ou find yourself wondering, what happened***" It leaves many men feeling bewildered, alone, unloved, unwanted6and vulnerable. Sex is a #onding, emotional experience for men too! 7or most men, sex is a way of connecting to your wife emotionally and physically. It builds a bond that promotes closeness and emotional intimacy. The sharing of intimate pleasure in a marriage enables couples to bond more deeply as friends. That friendship will sustain the marriage as we age, our bodies change and our need for the sexual connection lessens. This is an important point, ladies ( )en, more than women, are prone to view their self$esteem through their sexualit ! So if sex isn*t happening, self$esteem in most men plummets+and the then #ecome

vulnera#le to someone else+someone who #oosts their self$esteem # seeing them as vital, sexual, desira#le #eings! %ex is what separates a couples relationship from all other relationships. A marriage without sexual intimacy will eventually eventually sputter and die.

,hat does sexual re-ection feel li.e for a man' %exual rejection, especially by someone who vowed to love, honor and cherish" you is devastating. It leaves you feeling unattractive and undesirable. 4ou may internali8e her rejection and blame yourself by thin!ing you are not attractive enough0 sexy enough, thin enough, smart enough. 9er actions will give root to unhealthy beliefs about yourself and your value as a person. There is the danger of depression, loss of hope, you may feel old before your time and there is certainly a sense of shame over the fact that your own spouse does not desire you. 4ou become vulnerable to someone else someone who ma!es you feel the opposite of your wife 2 loved, wanted, desired, desirable6a man. This is such a simple concept! So wh don*t a lot of married people get it' /nd wh are the so surprised that, when the no longer show much interest in sex, that their partners get discouraged and leave them' 0r have an affair' 0r #oth' This is a surprise** +ot when you consider how important sex is as the glue to a partnership. That to men its far more than just stic!ing it in a warm place because it feels good" : times a wee!. /t the ris. of generalities, % .now % can sa this! %f ou exhi#it an of the following feelings or actions, our marriage ma #e in serious trou#le1

If you see sex as something to be avoided If you see sex as something that you dont desire but your partner does If you see sex as something you do li!e a chore something to be chec!ed off, where you basically give minimum effort, and exhibit little to no satisfaction during the act. If you use sex &and withholding it( as a method of punishment or control. Tying sexual activity to the extent to which your spouse does their chores at home, or as reward for something, is not romantic, very passive1aggressive, and will tend to irritate and discourage your spouse. If you never initiate sex. If your spouse has to as! for$beg for and$or always initiate sex, its unli!ely they will see you as someone who desires them. And if they feel undesired, unwanted, and not cherished, you could be headed for trouble. Is it so hard to flirt with your spouse and write them a naughty text about what youd li!e to do to them tonight* To come at them at night a little aggressively and co3uettishly* Is it that much of an imposition on your time and psyche* It wor!s wonders for most men.

,e all hear a#out hus#ands or wives who are wor.aholics, and inevita#l the spouse is unhapp ! And the wor!aholic spouse is now too tired for sex or uninterested in general. Their job becomes their spouse and their real spouse becomes a roommate, a second class citi8en. 9ow can someone wor! ;<1=< hours a wee! and avoid sex with their spouse and assume that everything should be just fine* -arriage is not the end well, I have them now. I dont have to wor! so hard on nurturing the relationship. >ase closed" it is just another stage in the growth in the relationship. Too much work and no time for sex will cause the couples downfall and the rotting of their marriage.

)arriages that value sexual intimac will generall do #etter than those that do not1 These couples ma!e the time to be sexual, they tal! to their partners about sex, they view expressing their love physically as ex3uisite. These couples !now an important secret? that sex is a gift. It is healthy and natural and a vital part of the human experience. It is a uni3ue way to express your love, unli!e in any other relationship youve been in. In a committed relationship, it is a means of experiencing the closest emotional intimacy of our adult lives. There can be safety, love, and acceptance in this connection. The fun you share in sex &playing, learning about one another, sometimes ma!ing mista!es and laughing at ourselves( is bonding you together as well. 5eyond expressing love for one another and having fun together, sex has a powerful positive impact on each partner. -ost men want to feel competent and capable. #ne way they feel this is in their ability to please their wives sexually. This is a powerful force for a husband and when he feels competent in his marriage, he tends to feel the same in other roles in his life. Also, for many married men, sex is much more than physically feeling good. It is emotional and spiritual. It is a way for a man to express his love for his wife. This connects to what his wife is longing for. )ost wives want to feel desired, cherished, and connected! )hen she is an interested and enthusiastic partner, her husband will desire and cherish her and do just about anything for her. And she will feel a profound connection to her husband. A sexually fulfilled woman will have less stress and more joy in her life. And these feelings will overflow into all areas of her life.

,h % 2ad an /ffair ,ith a )arried )an

@)ant to be in a boo! club* .ust us*@ Tilting my head, I s3uinted at AavidBsC email. )e were both in the literary industry and connected on social media, but IBd never met him in person. And based on what I could tell from his online persona, he was married. @IBm bad at boo! clubs. IBve caused the demise of many,@ I wrote, declining his offer, and clic!ed %end.

5ut he !ept writing. A few wee!s later, he as!ed me to lunch. %itting in my therapistBs office, I told her about AavidBs invitation. @The last thing you need is another literary married man,@ she said, referring to my ex, a successful writer whom I hadnBt been able to get over for years. )e werenBt in touch anymore, but a few months earlier IBd been devastated when I found out heBd recently gotten married. @I !now,@ I said. +ever having had an affair with a married man, I did have a history of dating guys with varying degrees of unavailability and !new how painful it was. I had no desire to put myself in that situation again. 5ut Aavid was persistent and I was curious. -aybe lunch would be professional. -aybe he was going through a separation. I told myself IBd go just to get more information, but if it turned out that he was in fact married, I wasnBt interested. %itting in the upscale restaurant waiting for him to arrive, I stared at the same line in the boo! I was reading over and over again, but the words were swimming in front of my eyes, and I couldnBt focus. )hen he wal!ed in, the first thing I noticed as he reached to hug me was his wedding ring. Doo!ing over the menu, we tal!ed about writing as if this was a business lunch, but my heart was pounding. @4ou !now everything about me and I donBt !now anything about you,@ I said, because heBd read my writing, so he !new all about my childhood traumas, bad brea!ups, and struggles with depression, anxiety, and #>A. @The balance is off,@ I said, swirling a 7rench fry in !etchup. @Tell me something personal about you.@ @IBm sober,@ he said. @Di!e, you used to not be*@ I as!ed. @4up.@ And that was it? instant intimacy. )eBd only just met, but we could already tell each other everything about ourselves. Dunch lasted for three hours and turned into coffee at a caf' a few bloc!s away, and then a lingering wal! through the -anhattan streets as the sun warmed us on that bright fall day. After I left Aavid I was in a da8e, di88y from our effortless afternoon together. That night he emailed me, @I donBt feel li!e pretending I didnBt feel something between us today.@ Eeading his words, I couldnBt believe he was so straightforward, and I was relieved. I didnBt feel li!e pretending either0 I could pretend for years, wanting something more but subsisting on the pretense of a friendship with a subtext of sexual attraction, living indefinitely in an unfulfilling fantasy. )e agreed to meet for coffee to tal!.

%itting across from him, he pressed his leg into mine under the table. @4ouBre not going to move*@ he as!ed. @+ope,@ I said, pressing bac! against him, my eyes loc!ed on his. @I should tell you,@ I confessed, propping my elbows on the table and leaning forward, @I have this pattern with unavailable men.@ I told him about the guy I had a fling with who lived with his girlfriend, and my ex I couldnBt get over, who was married when I met him. )eBd had a flirtation for a couple of months before his marriage dissolved, and started dating as soon as he got separated. Aavid told me that he wasnBt happy in his marriage but had children and planned to stay married for his !ids, until his youngest 11 who was eight months old 11 graduated from high school. %till pressing his leg against mine, he made it clear what IBd be signing on for. @I donBt care,@ I said. @This feels so good I donBt want to wal! away. I just want to follow this feeling wherever it goes.@ I have such an overactive conscience I couldnBt even ta!e a paperclip from wor! without being swamped with guilt, but for some reason entering into an affair with a married man didnBt fa8e me. @.ust so you !now,@ he wrote to me that night, @IBm not going to be able to !eep my hands off you for long.@ A few days later we met for selt8ers on a rooftop bar, and I curled up into him. @DetBs go somewhere,@ he said. @The par!* #r we could go to my office...@ )e wound up !issing on the couch in his office that night, and later that wee! I found myself bac! there, but in the middle of the wor!day, lying na!ed on the floor with him in front of an open window, his cowor!ers on the other side of a thin wall. I could hear the shuffle of footsteps and the murmur of voices, des! drawers opening and closing and phones ringing as he slowly traced his fingertips across me and loo!ed at me li!e he never wanted to stop. ItBs going to be hard to get over you, I thought, closing my eyes trying to free8e this moment at the very beginning that I already !new was catapulting towards an end. Then I leaned in and !issed him, pulling him towards me. #nly a wee! and a half after meeting him, I was having a full1blown affair with a married man and could no longer recogni8e my life. IBd been unemployed for almost a year and spent most of my time alone, on top of which I hadnBt dated or had sex in the four years IBd been hung up on my ex. Fvery day was drudgery as I san! further and further into painful isolation. Deft to myself, my depression, anxiety, and #>A had been progressively getting worse, and IBd even started having debilitating panic attac!s. 5efore meeting Aavid, I felt dead. 5ut suddenly, I was alive, desired, and filled with passion and vitality. -y depression, anxiety, and #>A slipped away. #vernight I went from years of celibacy to being na!ed on the floor of his office in the middle of the afternoon, constantly emailing and sexting, and having late1night dirty chats on 7aceboo!. >onsumed with thoughts of him, when we werenBt together I was either lost in memories, reliving every detail of every second with him, or longing for him, trying to figure out the next time we could see each other.

#n a cold, gray +ovember day, we spent the afternoon in bed together at my apartment. @I thin! I could get divorced,@ he said, his hand resting on my hip. @+ow, not in eighteen years. I thin! I could do it. -ove out, get an apartment...@ In that moment, lying next to him in the post1orgasmic glow of the most incredible, tender, sensual experience weBd ever had together, something shifted inside of me. ,p until that point, I was pretty much #G with the way things were. IBd long ago identified that the reason I was magnetically drawn to unavailable men was that I myself was emotionally unavailable. %o having a married boyfriend was perfect for me 11 it was passionate and exciting, and there was built1in distance so I didnBt feel suffocated, trapped, and in danger of actual intimacy. I thought IBd hang in this extramarital limbo until it got too painful, and then I could just opt out. 5ut in the muted light of my apartment that day, I made a decision that I was in for the long haul. I decided that IBd stand by him through his separation and divorce, no matter how painful, emotionally trying, and financially draining it was. IBd be by his side regardless of how many friendsB couches he had to crash on, and through a shitty first apartment in a crappy neighborhood with no furniture and bare walls. )armth spread out from my heart and across my chest and I !new0 I was going to ma!e this wor!, and we were going to be able to have a legitimate relationship. I love you, I thought, running my hands over his bac!, but I didnBt say it. The next wee!, he emailed me the night before he left to visit his parents with his wife and children for Than!sgiving, @The rest of my life pales in comparison to being with you.@ 9e was usually in touch every day, many times a day, but over Than!sgiving I didnBt hear from him at all. After dinner with my family on Thursday night, I rushed to my -omBs computer and stared at the screen, refreshing and refreshing and refreshing as my stomach tightened more and more. I soothed myself by thin!ing that it was probably hard for him to get a minute alone to contact me when he was surrounded by his extended family, and convinced myself that heBd definitely be in touch when he got bac! into town on %aturday. 5ut %aturday night I sat at the table of the bridal shower I was throwing for my younger sister, snea!ing glances at my phone the whole night. There was still no word for him, and as soon as I got home I collapsed into bed crying. Terrified, I !new that something was really wrong. #n -onday afternoon he finally messaged me on 7aceboo!. After a few minutes of, @9ow was your Than!sgiving*@ bac!1and1forth, he wrote, @I canBt do this anymore.@ I felt li!e IBd been punched in the stomach and I couldnBt breathe. @>an you call me*@ I wrote. @>an we not do this on 7aceboo!*@ @I was at home, staying in the room I grew up in,@ he said, @and I reali8ed, I donBt want to be that guy. I never thought IBd be that guy. That guy who cheats, the one who has an affair. I canBt do this anymore, .en.@

9anging up the phone, I was spinning from shoc!, and couldnBt understand how heBd gone from, BI could get a divorceB and BThe rest of my life pales in comparison to being with you,B to BI canBt do this anymoreB in only one wee!. I couldnBt believe IBd never see him again, never spend another afternoon lying in bed next to him. Hart of me, a small part, felt relieved, though. IBd never have to experience that sic!, nauseous feeling waiting for Aavid to write me bac! or call, petrified that he changed his mind and it was over. IBd never have to miss out on Than!sgiving dinner with my family or my sisterBs wedding planning because I was too chec!ed out worrying about when IBd hear from him to be present. IBd never have to lose days I should be writing or loo!ing for a job to intoxicating fantasies of him. I could have myself and my life bac!. 5lasting Gaty HerryBs @Teenage Aream@ on my iHod, I bounded out to my favorite neighborhood burger place and felt lighter already, free from my attachment to him. @I just got dumped,@ I told the manager as I ordered a cheeseburger and mil!sha!e. @This is my consolation meal.@ @4ouBll be fine,@ she said, @I can already tell.@ I thought so, too, but the next day the shoc! wore off and it hit me. All I could do was lie in bed and wail in pain. That wee!, my bathroom sin! clogged, then my !itchen sin! bac!ed up, then the heating pipe in my bathroom burst, and then I bro!e my toe because I was thin!ing of Aavid instead of paying attention to where I was going and slammed my foot into the bathroom door. -y depression, anxiety, and #>A that had been eased when I was with him came bac! with a vengeance. +ow I was really terrified. I was unemployed and the little money I had left in savings was running out fast. I couldnBt eat or sleep and I could barely function, let alone try to find wor!. 9ow was I going to ta!e care of myself* #nce again, I couldnBt recogni8e my life, and I didnBt !now what had happened to me. )hat I did !now was that this was it 11 IBd hit roc! bottom. )hatever it too!, I had to build myself up and put my crumbling life bac! together. And on that cold, dar! Aecember day something else shifted in me. In my excruciating agony, I !new with complete certainty that my destructive pattern of having relationships with unavailable men was finally bro!en, and if I wanted to survive I could never, ever, do this again.

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IFT ,HAATF% 7E#- Daura Aoyle Di!e ::

%t5s the %ntimac , Stupid1 6 Steps for ,omen to Stamp 0ut 4ivorce
Hosted? JJ$JK$L<JL L?:< am Eeact Ama8ing Inspiring 7unny %cary 9ot >ra8y Important )eird 7ollow -arriage , -arriage Hroblems , Aivorce Hroof -arriage , 9ow To Hrevent Aivorce , Aivorce +ews share this stor :<M M= L<M %ubmit this story Aivorce is li!e tooth decay? totally preventable for a woman with the right s!ills and habits. ,nfortunately most women didnBt have good relationship role1models. )e are largely the product of single parents, bro!en homes or marriages that we wouldnBt wish on our worst enemy 11 the e3uivalent of learning oral care from parents with false teeth. )e arenBt born with the s!ills to foster intimacy, passion and peace anymore than weBre born with a %onicare and good flossing habits. 7ortunately, any woman can !earn intimacy s!ills and use them to create trust, tenderness and connection. 9ere are the six proven intimacy s!ills your mother never taught you that lead to satisfying, lifelong love?

S.ill 711 4o at 3east Three Things a 4a for 8our 0wn 9leasure ThereBs a direct correlation between your self1care and your level of tolerance for your husband. %elf1care is a profound act for opening the door to intimacy. Eelationships re3uire patience and compassion, but if youBre tired, fra88led or undernourished, you give yours little chance of thriving. %elf1care 11 focusing on your own pleasure 11 ta!es the pressure off your husband to ma!e you happy &he canBt anyway(. 4our good mood also signals to him that he can succeed in delighting you, which inspires him to want to do just that. 5y treating ourselves well, we also teach other people how to treat us. 9aving fun every day is not only critical for a satisfying romance, itBs part of a life well1lived. S.ill 7:1 ;elin<uish =ontrol of 9eople 8ou =an5t =ontrol @9elpful@ in wife language is controlling in husband language. )hen you correct your manBs driving or what he wears or does at wor!, youBre saying heBs not competent. That unwitting criticism is an attac! and pushes intimacy away no matter how well1meaning your comment. Intimacy needs safety and encouragement to thrive, and vanishes with criticism. Ta!e a step bac! and trust him to run his own life without any help from you, and watch him ta!e a step forward and start acting li!e the man you fell in love with. S.ill 7>1 ;eceive ?ifts, =ompliments and 2elp ?raciousl Eeceiving is the opposite of rejecting. )hen your husband gives you something thatBs not what you had in mind, receive it anyway by saying, @4ouBre so thoughtful. Than! you.@ Aeflecting a gift or a compliment is rejecting the giver and the emotional connection you could have had. )hen your husband offers to bathe the !ids, accept his help graciously no matter how imperfectly he does it. Eejecting a gift, compliment or help greatly reduces the 3uality of your marriage and your life. Eeceive graciously and watch as more gifts start coming your way almost immediately. S.ill 7@1 ;espect The )an 8ou =hose 5eing respectful will resurrect the man you fell in love with. 4ouBre too smart to have married a dumb guy, so if he seems dumb now, itBs because youBre focused on his shortcomings. ItBs not that you made a mista!e in marrying him, itBs that youBve been "ocused on his mista!es since you married him. A man who feels respected by the woman who !nows him best also feels self1respect, which is far more attractive than cowering and hostility. Dac! of respect causes more divorces than cheating does because for men, respect is li!e oxygen. They need it more than sex. Eespect means that you donBt dismiss, critici8e, contradict or try to teach him anything. #f course he wonBt do things the same way you do0 for that, you could have just married yourself. 5ut with your respect, he will once again do the things that ama8ed and delighted you to begin with 11 so much so that you married him. S.ill 751 Axpress ?ratitude Three Times 4ail Iratitude has magical powers. It turns an ordinary meal into a feast, an average relationship into a lifelong romance and an ordinary husband into your hero.

I used to be reluctant to than! my husband for anything because I thought that I was doing more anyway and it was unfair because he wasnBt than!ing me. I was also afraid he would stop doing the things I than!ed him for and consider them optional, but I was wrong. Today I than! him for washing dishes, replacing light bulbs and wor!ing hard at his business. The more grateful I am for what he does, the more inspired he is to do things I appreciate, which ma!es me feel cherished and adored. The same will happen for you when you practice expressing gratitude. Another bonus? 4ou canBt be grateful and resentful at the same time. S.ill 761 Strive to #e Bulnera#le Intimacy and vulnerability are directly connected. If you want intimacy, then youBll need to ta!e the ris! of admitting that youBre lonely, embarrassed or hurt. This is not the same as wea!ness0 it actually re3uires great strength. )hen youBre vulnerable you donBt care about being right, youBre just open and trusting enough to say @I miss you@ instead of @you never spend time with me.@ It means you simply say, @ouch/@ when heBs insensitive instead of retaliating. That vulnerability completely changes the way he responds to you. Nulnerability is not only attractive, itBs the only way to get to that incredible feeling of being loved just the way you are by someone who !nows you well. ThereBs nothing li!e the joy of intimacy that results from vulnerability. It really is worth dropping the burden of being an efficient, overscheduled superwoman to have it. If your mother didnBt teach you these six s!ills, maybe she didnBt !now them, but that doesnBt mean youBre doomed to have the same outcome in your relationship. An intimate, passionate, peaceful relationship is not a matter of luc!1itBs a matter of s!ill and good habits, just li!e maintaining those pearly whites.