Healing Wings

Virtually everyone has a basic concept of domestic violence. Very few people actually understand its cycles and effects. And even fewer know how and when to offer assistance, or how to recognize abuse for what it is. Definitions and statistics are bland even though they may be startling. And theres a reason for this: they dont involve you. This presentation will take you into the world of the victim. You will come away with a heightened sensitivity to all victims. You will be better prepared to really help when you are needed.
Revised 05/15/12

Healing Wings
www.healingwingsretreat.org
A proposed program to facilitate appropriate response to Domestic Violence Goals: Recognize the signs of Domestic Violence Create professional support team (Social, Medical, Legal and Law Enforcement) Partner with existing Shelter programs Facilitate documentation and reporting Provide national and local links by geographical location Create a safety conscious system for victims Publish legal updates and news

Shes educated, shes bright, shes attractive and shes about to kill herself. You will have no idea why shes suicidal because she wont be able to tell you. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE QUIZ
(There are many misconceptions about domestic violence. Take the quiz and see how much you know.)

1. What is the most common source of injury among women? A. auto accidents B. physical abuse by male social partners C. muggings and rape combined 2. Which age group reports the most violence by someone they are intimate With? a. 16 to 24 b. 25 to 34 c. 35 to 64 d. 65 and over 3. Boys who witness their fathers' violence are __ times more likely to engage In spouse abuse in later adulthood than boys from non-violent homes. A. 2 times more likely B. 5 times more likely C. 10 times more likely 4. When are female victims of domestic violence more likely to be slain by? Their husbands? a. When separated from them b. When co-residing 5. If every woman victimized by domestic violence last year were to join Hands in a line, the string of people would expand from: a. New York to Chicago b. New York to San Francisco c. New York to Los Angeles and back again 6. In the United States, there are three times as many animal shelters as there Are battered women's shelters A. true B. false 1

Answers: 1b, 2a, 3c, 4a, 5c, 6a

What is Domestic Violence?

It is a pattern of coercive behavior that may include physical, sexual, economic, emotional and psychological abuse of one family member or romantic partner by another. The goal of domestic violence is to establish and maintain power and control. Domestic Violence or Spouse Abuse physically or emotionally harmful acts between husbands and wives or between other individuals in intimate relationships. Domestic Violence is sometimes referred to as intimate violence. It includes violence that occurs in dating and courtship relationships, between former spouses and between gay and lesbian partners. (Richard J. Gelles, Chair of Child Welfare and Family Violence, School of Social Work, U. Penn) 95% of reported cases of domestic violence involve a male batterer and a female victim. For the purpose of this presentation, the abuser is male and the victim is female. Substance abuse whether alcohol, prescription and/or illegal drugs may be a large part of the abusers secret life. SA exacerbates an abusers moods and behavior. Domestic Violence has several interconnected categories, which may or may not occur as over lapping functions of the abuse. The key element is the Emotional and Psychological Abuse, for it must happen initially in order for the abuser to gain and maintain control. Victims recognize emotional and psychological abuse in telling their tales. They do not necessarily recognize that they have suffered other forms of abuse unless called upon to consider certain actions in the light of hindsight. Domestic violence is not limited to co-habiting relationships. All types of abuse occur even if a relationship has ended in separation and/or divorce. Abusers may continue their abuses to a previous victim even when they are in a new relationship. Domestic Violence is all about power and control it is an infinite need for the abuser. Control by the abuser is gradually instilled through the victims commitment to the abuser. The commitment becomes the victims need for the relationship it is the first cycle to be aware of. The cycle begins with a minor commitment of dating. There may be breakups initiated by either party but it is usually the abuser who is testing the strength of the commitment. The more breakups and reunions, the more the victim is sucked into the cycle and the control of the abuser. Each commitment is taken as a signal by the abuser to escalate his abuse. Other types of commitment are secret engagements, formal engagements, marriage, childbirth, separations whether trial or legal followed by getting back together, the victims forgiveness (which is assiduously sought but is just as assiduously thrown back in her face) and relocations with the abuser. Victims are CONDITIONNED to their abuse over time. They are rather like Pavlovs dogs only it is their silence, secrecy and shame instead of salivation. I call this the snake factor (the silence, secrecy and shame) it lurks waiting to strike with every hissed threat, every sneaking condemnation and every single strike.

CATEGORIES of ABUSE EMOTIONAL & PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE includes derogatory remarks made in private and in public that demean the victim, lessen her self-esteem and negate her sense of self worth. It also includes introducing an aura of fear into the relationship; the victim fears the angry outbursts of the abuser and grows to fear the abusers presence. Private emotional & psychological abuse attacks the very fundamental aspects of the victims personal identity. Repeated and increasingly vitriolic, these remarks overtime accentuate normal differences between people and make them out to be insurmountable obstacles the victim is facing in order to maintain the relationship with the abuser. The fact that these begin in privacy drives home the abusers opinion of the victim and completely destroys the image the victim has had of herself. It is a subtle process and is otherwise called brain washing. The victim learns that she can do nothing that is right. She is always wrong. She is slandered, accused, criticized and undermined in all her efforts with the tag line that it is all done for her own good. She is always shamed by his comments. The victim ends up believing that her self-worth is non-existent. When the abuser takes these remarks into a more public venue, in front of family members, for instance, the control is nearing completion. The victims ability to subdue her shame and to adjust increases. Abusing the victim within her family leads to her alienation from them and intensifies the abusers control and the victims shame. Remarks in the public venue are often delivered in a bantering, teasing manner at first, assuring the victim that the abuser can really let all her faults out when he wants to. And the victim is already aware that reasonable disagreement and discussion are not healthy options for her. The public derogation enforces that control by making the victim seem insignificant, stupid and insecure in front of close friends and progressing to social and business associates. This step reinforces earlier conditioning and completes the process of alienation and drives the victim into the arms of the only person who professes to understand her. The process takes months and sometimes years. It is terrifying and persistent. The victim has no idea that she is being victimized and abused. She only knows that there are loud and sometimes violent arguments; if she ada pts to the abusers way she is still wrong. She has no comprehension that she is being emotionally and psychologically tortured. She believes she has serious problems. She may be stubborn enough to disagree for a time. She knows she is alone. She lives in secret shame. A victims main focus is to keep fixing her problems so that the abuser is happy. Victims will doubt their sanity. Because the victim believes in the power of love in a relationship, she is willing and almost insistent to pursue finding the love that brought them together. The most intense emotional and psychological abuses are soothed by rewards for right behavior and individuality sinks further from the victims mind as her conditioning to her shame progresses. Threats are made to leave, to throw her out, and to abandon her. And as the victim is completely in the victim mode in terms of her relationship with the abuser, all thoughts of living without him are even more terrifying and impossible. She strives to provide the abuser with anything he can compliment her on. But she learns that the even the most basic compliments are tempered with criticism. As the victim progresses into total dependency on the abuser for her sense of who she is, the isolation factor takes on greater urgency and significance. Abusers will help with dropping off mail and picking it up. They will destroy the victims letters to family, friends and businesses as well as letters from them to the victim. The more the victim has to
3

defend the abuser from outside advice/criticism the faster and more complete her lack of control becomes. If there are children of the relationship (and this includes children of that union and children from previous relationships of either partner), there will be threats to the victim including the childrens safety, removing the children legally as she is an unsuitable parent, and having her declared incompetent. Woven into these remarks is the continual thread that the victim is wrong, completely screwed up and will never survive apart from the abuser. Victims become enablers in their own demise. The victims sex life will be discussed with others. Her body or figure will be lewdly commented on in public but especially to her face. The victim lives in an increasing atmosphere of fear as she unconsciously or intuitively understands what the abuser is capable of. Imagine walking into your shared offices and finding your door chained and padlocked against you. Imagine that humiliation. Imagine receiving calls at work from the abuser ranting and screaming abuse so loudly that it is overheard. Imagine social introductions by the abuser, that leave the victim, unidentified because they dont count arent important enough to warrant the introduction. If there are children, they too will suffer the emotional and psychological abuse. Their individuality will be severely restrained when the abuser is at home. They will also live in fear. An abuser will discipline and punish children in extremes: actions and prohibitions that belittle the wrongdoer and set the victim against the children. Imagine a victim who has a 15-month old infant snatched from her breast and roughly put to bed in complete darkness. The abuser then stands guard all night so that the victim cannot go to her screaming child. This is just one of many such nights. This 25 year-old still has to sleep with a light on. Imagine an abuser who tells his children that he doesnt like one of them because he is like his mother and he likes the other because he is like the abuser. Imagine how 5 and 7 year-olds digest that information. The abuser will make a point of annotating every misdeed of the victim to the children and repeat over and over that she is the one who is wrong. And this is one disturbing part of surviving abuse. Children may never quite be able to see their abuser for the monster he really is they may always blame the victim for her share of what they see as the problems of the relationship. The threat of never seeing her children again is devastating for the victim knows that the abuser has the power to do anything and no one will come to her rescue. The abuser is owed respect and devotion although the victim and the children must earn his. The victim finds herself in a grotesque place with no idea how she got there. ECONOMIC ABUSE Economic Abuse is defined as the deliberate withholding of money to the point where the victim fears she will be unable to provide shelter, food and clothing for herself and her children (the British Family Services report on Domestic Violence, c.1993). Assets of the victim will be given to the abuser or will be taken by him after the victim is sufficiently tenderized about her abilities, and while she is still sure of her love for the abuser, while she will do most anything to prove that she really loves him and to save him from perceived ruin. Once these assets are gone, or if there are none to begin with; the abuser eventually will insist that since he brings home the bacon (either all of it or a majority of it) it is his to do with as he wants.
4

If the victim is a joint owner on accounts she will find herself suddenly without access to any money at all and has to go begging for food money, for the money to pay the rent or mortgage, for the money to keep the utilities on. She is both shamed and damned. Abusers may also insist that the victim be responsible for the bank accounts and all bills implying his trust but in reality thrusting all responsibility for the money management upon the victim. No matter how responsible the victim is about fiscal obligations, the abuser will find ways to ensure that money reserved for bills is spent on his necessities. Some abusers will fail to file income tax returns over many years, or will force the victim to be a party to fraudulent returns (negating the Innocent Spouse factor). Some abusers will forge the victims signature on fraudulent returns. Abusers who fail to file returns may also hide the information necessary to file. For victims in jobs where background checks are performed (which may include tax liabilities at state and federal levels) this is a desperate situation. Promotions based on background checks may vanish into thin air. Access to job enhancing tests may be impossible for the victim to take. The victim lives in fear of huge fines and impossible penalties on top of her fear to keep the home intact. The victim will also be the one to handle the delinquency phone-calls; she may become an accomplished fabricator of excuses (she already is an accomplished liar about her relationship with the abuser to others and to herself). She may have to frequently interrupt her workday to deal with his delinquencies and defaults. She may have her home/car repossessed. She may absolutely be facing homelessness. As a reward for good behavior the victim may find her name restored to a joint account. Punishment for any slight perceived notion may have her destitute again. The abuser vacillates through these irrational actions merely to point out who is in control. And yet the abuser will frequently buy the most expensive gifts and items requiring a greater financial output to maintain. Add substance abuse into this scene and the victim may find herself with nothing. If the victims family is able to give her money she may find it disappearing on the abusers clothing, cars, meals and entertainment. The victim will live in a heinous manner of poverty while the abuser will live like a potentate. Meals, clothing and haircuts for the victim and the children may be described as nickel and dime-ing him to death. It is a despicable situation when the victim must empty all pockets and drawers to locate enough pennies to buy toilet tissue. Imagine an educated, employed, intelligent woman eating beans on toast or beans from a can for months because the abuser has cut off all support for the hell of it. Imagine an abuser who gives his older children money that he explains to the court is for their support but which he advises the children is for their allowance and entertainment and which they are instructed not to give to their mother for rent or food. Think about the divisive nature of this argument. Think about the courts that cannot see the dilemma and have no real power to enforce their orders. Abusers openly mock the legal system and get away with it. Victims may have to deal with the abusers attempts to take over her accounts (and even institutions like Merrill Lynch can fail to protect an account holder as abusers are extraordinarily adept at getting their way), to shut off her utilities, to falsify credit applications and/or renegotiate loan terms that she is a party to. Abusers will intercept mail while the victim is co-habiting.
5

Victims must learn to be diligent about setting up passwords on every account. Even if separated, these things happen and victims have to learn to talk openly about their situation to their banker, creditors and to their employers. Abusers who receive reimbursements for travel and business expenses will often hide the refunds and deny their repayment. The same goes for tax refunds, federal credit payments, and insurance payments. Abusers will lose spare keys to the victims car. Abusers will be able to remove the car, take belongings in the car, vandalize the interior of the car and no one will be able to prove it is he, because his fingerprints have reason to be in the car. Abusers have stolen victims cars. Abusers have abandoned victims cars. A victim may never know if she will find her car in the drive or at her workplace when she returns. It is an additional worry that she has to cope with. Workplace violence includes all aspects of domestic violence. A 1995 survey found that 94% of corporate security directors rank domestic violence as a high security problem at their companies. (National Safe Workplace Institute (NSWI), survey of 248 security and safety directors of US businesses, 1995) Sexual Abuse SEXUAL ABUSE is defined as inappropriate, unwanted sex, usually forced upon the victim; it encompasses rape and violence is typically a part of it. It has been argued that many intimates enjoy games including bondage, rape fantasies and a bit of slap and tickle. The key to sexual abuse is the abusers one-sided desire for power and control. Once a victim is controllable, mutual satisfying sex will virtually cease to exist. Sex becomes a tool for the abuser: a reward and a punishment for the victim. If the victim initiates sex, she is a whore; if she is unwilling or un-aroused, she is a frigid bitch. Sex that is forced is rape. The abuser often repeatedly rapes victims. Marital rape is a raw statistic. Upon medical examination, the victim may exhibit bruising, lacerations and/or evidence of prolonged excessive damage to her cervix, vaginal and rectal walls. These types of injuries present medically in a large number of cases as pre-cancerous. These injuries may cause miscarriages or may significantly contribute to severely prolapsed uteri. Sufficient damage may necessitate a hysterectomy. And the victim, then, is suddenly even less of a woman than she was to the abuser. And the abuser will point that out as often as he can. A large proportion of abusers do not hesitate to hit, punch or kick a pregnant woman. The victim is forced to suppress her desires and to demean herself. She may be persuaded to make videotapes, which can be used to further threaten her, or may be shown, to his friends. In the worstcase scenario, these tapes can appear on the worldwide web or even in x-rated retail shops. The abuser may expound her sexual performance in public emotional & psychological abuse. She is used to betrayal and this is just one more instance she will learn to bear. Again, there is argument that rough sex may not be abusive. But any sex that leaves woman barley able to walk is abusive. Sexual abuse includes continual demeaning acts where the victims pleasure is either incidental or non-existent. While shame may keep a woman quiet about her sex life, she will know when it became abusive in hindsight.

The abuser will more often than not have affairs or will frequent prostitutes. He may confess these events to his victim, but only in a manner that ensures she understands she is at fault. The victim will fear disease on a daily basis for many years. PHYSICAL ABUSE The subtle physical abuser starts out with events that are a result of the victims insubordination. They are always the victims fault, the victim deserved it. The abuser, after all, was only trying to teach her how to respect him. Some abusers pride themselves on not leaving visible evidence. The victim will not generally seek medical assistance. Bites will heal, bruises will fade, and torn joints can be passed off as sprains. The abuser will start arguments over insignificant things to set the stage for an attack. His confidence grows as the victim becomes proficient in her stories about walking into doors, spraining fingers moving heavy objects, falling and bruising easily. The physical violence will only escalate. If the abuser begins by splitting the victims mouth open, the victim is in serious immediate danger. If the victim does seek medical attention through no fault of her own, someone else called for help, the abuser may well be at her side with the medical staff. Abusers have been known to interject their version of events in ERs, to assist with psych evaluations. They will portray the victim as an attention seeker, a hypochondriac, or a victim of a bad family history. The abuser will intervene at every opportunity to keep his nose clean not minding the potential impact on the victims health. If child calls 911 when his/her father refuses to, that is one clear sign that the victims accident is abuse. There is a definite cycle of violence: incident, profuse declarations of love and sorrow with promises to change, acceptance by the victim (a new commitment), an interim period of re-education of the victim (conditioning), and then another incident. The violence escalates, the victim spirals downward. The abuser initially makes sure the victim understands that his actions are only the result of something the victim has said or done, or allegedly said or done. When the abuser is confident of his control, the victim often has no idea what provokes him. Severe depression is one sign of the victims total despair. Multiple suicide attempts are common. Once physical abuse begins there is a steep increase in the atmosphere of fear that the victim lives in. Abusers will excuse themselves to friends and/or authorities with comments that fabricate his justification such as, the keys were in my hand and they cut her, or she was drunk and I was trying to help her and her face/arms/legs bumped into the door/ chair/stairs. What becomes significant is the shape or pattern of bruises and cuts. Any choking or throttling is abusive. Victims who report being hit with such force that bones have permanent bumps or lumps (cheekbones, jawbones and/or skulls for instance) are likely suffering from untreated fractures. The long bones of the body are also vulnerable, as well as the small bones of the wrist. It is entirely possible for a victim to live with a broken wrist for several years before it is discovered to have been previously broken. A victim may avoid dental care for fear of questions about cracked teeth or jaws. Victims have been known to live with the pain of cracked teeth until the teeth abscess; they can also function with dislocations. Shame hides an awful lot of damage. Children who witness violence may develop physical or emotional problems or have trouble at school. They may have trouble sleeping and/or increased bed-wetting. Children may be hurt if they accidentally get in the way or try to protect their mother. This problem gets worse as the child gets older. They will also develop extravagant
7

explanations for their injuries. They will most likely not reveal their abuse to the victim if she has not witnessed it or perhaps only years later. If the victim has the determination to accuse the abuser, she needs immediate and emergency facilitation. She needs removal under police protection with her children and her portable belongings. She needs to be isolated from the abusers reach. If the victim is allowed to or forced to meet with the abuser, she will be privately intimidated and forced to recant accusations. If the victim does recant, she loses more self-respect as well as the respect and relationship with her remaining friends and family who may be her only means of individuality within a caring community. Victims with children can be tamed with threats of serious harm to the children. It can happen and it does happen. Even victims not accusing the abuser will be threatened with harm to one or more children. The age of the children is immaterial. A victim makes no differentiation between a threat to a child of 14 and a threat to a newborn infant; the child is in danger, the victim knows this. Witnesses will also be threatened. Abusers will place the victim into life threatening situations to gain control. Victims have been dangled out windows, held over balconies, thrown down stairs as threats to guard against disapproved behavior. More tentative physical abusers may push a victim to provoke an accident. Some have been held in the path of a train. Others have had critical medical advice ignored or withheld deliberately. Abusers will attempt to delay medical assistance for their children even if an illness is a common one. This places the victim in a situation where she knows what she must do for her child, but also knows that she will pay for her disobedience. Other sinister means to control a victim are removing personal belongings and hiding them or throwing them out, stalking, holding a victim at gun or knife point, carrying or displaying weapons (which can include kitchen knives and common household tools), placing the victims cherished belongings to ensure their theft, ransacking the victims belongings, slashing clothing, inserting needles into clothing, defiling towels/linens/clothes/toothbrushes with semen or excrement and anything to increase the fear of the victim. Imagine being stripped naked outside your home, being kicked, punched and dragged across your front driveway and when the police arrive in res ponse to a neighbors call, the abuser assures them he is ok because he is a sheriffs deputy and hes confronting his woman about allegations he heard, and the police leave. What hope does that victim have? The victim will suffer broken bones in silence. She will cope with pain as an inconvenience. The abuser conditions this. If she survives, she will suffer life-long pain from old injuries. Too many incidents of choking will permanently damage salivary glands. Too many wrenched arms may damage the shoulder socket, and impinge the radial nerves. An increased frequency of surgical repairs in an otherwise young and healthy woman may well be a sign of severe physical abuse. When a victim has decided to leave the relationship and move out, the danger to her and the children increases exponentially. It is difficult for a woman on the cusp of becoming a survivor to hide behind her old demeanor. And that is a signal to the abuser; it is a threat to his empire. He becomes a rabid dog.
8

Why does a victim remain in such a relationship?

All too often this question is answered with a victim-blaming attitude. Women victims of abuse often hear that they must like or need such treatment, or they would leave. Others may be told that they are one of the many "women who love too much" or who have "low self-esteem." The truth is that no one enjoys being beaten, no matter what their emotional state or self image.
A womans reasons for staying are more complex than a statement about her strength of character.

Reasons why women stay generally fall into three major categories:
Lack of Resources: Most women have at least one dependent child. Many women are not employed outside of the home. Many women have no property that is solely theirs. Some women lack access to cash or bank accounts. Women who leave fear being charged with desertion, and losing children and joint assets. A woman may face a decline in living standards for herself and her children. Institutional Responses: Clergy and secular counselors are often trained to see only the goal of "saving" the marriage at all costs, rather than the goal of stopping the violence. Police officers often do not provide support to women. They treat violence as a domestic "dispute," instead of a crime where one person is physically attacking another person. Police may try to dissuade women from filing charges. Prosecutors are often reluctant to prosecute cases, and judges rarely levy the maximum sentence upon convicted abusers. Probation or a fine is much more common. Despite the issuing of a restraining order, there is little to prevent a released abuser from returning and repeating the assault. Despite greater public awareness and the increased availability of housing for women fleeing violent partners, there are not enough shelters to keep women safe. Traditional Ideology: Many women do not believe divorce is a viable alternative. Many women believe that a single parent family is unacceptable, and that even a violent father is better than no father at all. Many women are socialized to believe that they are responsible for making their marriage work. Failure to maintain the marriage equals failure as a woman. Many women become isolated from friends and families, either by the jealous and possessive abuser, or to hide signs of the abuse from the outside world. The isolation contributes to a sense that there is nowhere to turn. Many women rationalize their abusers behavior by blaming stress, alcohol, problems at work, unemployment or other factors. Many women are taught that their identity and worth are contingent upon getting and keeping a man. The abuser rarely beats the woman all the time. During the non-violent phases, he may fulfill the womans dream of romantic love. She believes that he is basically a "good man." If she believes that she should hold onto a "good man," this reinforces her decision to stay. She may also rationalize that her abuser is basically good until something bad happens to him and he has to "let off steam."

In many cases it is dangerous for a woman to leave her abuser. If the abuser has all of the economic and social status, leaving can cause additional problems for the woman. Leaving could mean living in fear and losing child custody, losing financial support, and experiencing harassment at work. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 2003)

Although there is no profile of the women who will be battered, there is a well documented syndrome of what happens once the battering starts. Abused women experience shame, embarrassment and isolation. She is shamed: shamed that she has been conned, shamed that she is in such a dreadful situation, shamed over the lack of resemblance to her previous self, and ashamed that she cannot help herself. She has become out of necessity an actress of impeccable record; she has her public face, which may show her as an organized and creative personality. She may function professionally and excel. She may be a consummate volunteer or juggle career and volunteerism with skills that others envy. She may be seen as an admirable adjunct to the abusers career. She also cannot visualize surviving on her own. She might well believe in the frailty or absence of her sanity. And at some point she subjugates her survival to her perceived notion that holding the family together is more important than her well being. The victim has no definition of herself in the relationship as good. She has become a Stockholm partner in her own captivity. She does not realize that the strength to have survived to any point is a strength she can use outside the relationship. Long term victims of abuse over more than 10 or 20 years, may well have had periods of independence brought on by the abusers frequent travels with his job. These spans of normalcy give the victim a relief from the abuse and she will have probably developed coping mechanisms to cordon off the abuse while she is free. She has compartmentalized those terrifying events and periods. The victim may have entered into counseling as a result of a trial separation or on the advice of someone. Joint counseling is counter-productive to the victim; things she reveals will be used against her, the abuser will intimidate her before and after each session. If she is extraordinarily lucky she will find some truths in joint counseling that will enable her to retain some sense of herself. If a marriage counselor is attuned to and familiar with domestic violence they should privately recommend a victim to individual counseling. Individual counseling is the most effective method, and only ever by professionally trained and accredited individuals. Many abusers lead exemplary professional lives; they may be social or business leaders, they hold positions of authority in their work and/or community. Their lives are often about power over others. Abusers who handle firearms are particularly ominous. Abusers whose professional lives demand constant relocation hold a control that the victim may find virtually impossible to break free from. The system supports the abuser. The victim has no base of support. The victim is always starting from scratch.

10

The victim may have no knowledge of who to turn to, who to trust. Take this into the context of professionals whose careers take them and their families overseas. Those victims are even more limited in their resources, especially if there is a language barrier they are not prepared for. Who would believe a career military officer capable of abuse, or a CEO of an international corporation? The victims depression and suicide attempts are signs of prolonged and severe abuse of either one of the four categories, some of them or all of them. The victims desire is that someone, anyone, will ask the critical questions and see what she is living with. She may want out out of the abuse but not always out of the relationship. But she cannot visualize how she will manage it. There is a voice inside her that still tells her she is in danger and that her relationship is long since dead, but she is totally helpless. And she certainly cannot point fingers and make accusations until she has developed her own safety network and has received clear signals from the abuser that his love for her and any chance for the relationship are over. Even then, victims remain, deep down believing only in the happy-ever-after syndrome they were taught all committed relationships should be. Because a victim usually does not document her abuse either in a journal or with medical and/or law enforcement authorities or even with her friends, she may find that when she is called upon to provide the facts of the abuse that: Dates are difficult to reconstruct Medical records may be insufficiently vague as to the cause of an injury There may be no medical documentation What medical documentation does exist may be tainted with the victims or abusers fabrications An anxiety diagnosis is vague and may not provide enough background and/or treatment history There may be no or insufficient police records Recanted accusations are scoffed at because the victim returned to the abuser Friends may become afraid to be involved Families may have no idea of the extent or the existence of the abuse Children may refuse to condemn their father even if they were also abused by him Victims may falsely believe that children have been spared because they werent hit and have no documentation of the childrens reactions to the abusers presence or to their behavior patterns and problems

A victim preparing to leave may know she will have little proof of the abuse.

What describes why a victim suddenly leaves an abusive relationship?

LEAVING is DANGEROUS! Abusers are all about power. When the power fades reality hits and the victim will re-assess her life and her potential. Sometimes the abuser will succeed in lighting a spark of recognition in the victim that love no longer exists or is not an alternative in the relationship. That is when the victim must get out because if the abuser has let that slip, then he has lost all caution. Too often, the victim does not grasp this, and her release is only in death. Separated or divorced women were 14 times more likely than married women to report having been a victim of violence by a spouse or ex-spouse. (US Dept of Justice, 1991) In a study of three large
11

homicide samples in Chicago, New South Wales (Australia) and Canada, researchers found that wives are much more likely to be slain by their husbands when separated from them than when coresiding. Wives are particularly at risk in the first two months after leaving. The New South Wales data available for slain wives found that 47% were killed within two months and 91% within a year of separating. (Violence and Victims, Vol 8, No 1, Spring 1993) Often, the victim is tied to the abuser through children he has a legal right to see. She may leave, but she never feels really safe as long as he has access to her through the children. Victims picking up or dropping off children have been murdered. The presence of children is no deterrent to the abuser. If visitation is agreed a victim must NEVER be in the abusers territory or alone with him. The more strength the victim draws from that surprising spark, the more independent she becomes and the more the abuse escalates especially as she is mentally preparing to leave but still may be in the same home. When a victim is in fear of her life and the safety of her children, she is most at risk. A victim on the cusp of becoming a survivor has a profound change of inner strength: her demeanor is altered, she recognizes the bully for what he is, she becomes a regal tower of power and that infuriates the abuser.

What can a victim do?

Victims who have the opportunity to prepare must do so in the greatest secrecy. Obviously, a victims immediate departure is sometimes necessitated by the violence or an attack. If there is time to prepare, here are some basics: TALK to a counselor or advisor and tell the story of the abuse Plan routes of escape from every room in the home and workplace Plan routes of escape from every room in friends and parents homes Stash money in small amounts and exchange for larger bills to reduce their bulk Establish a safe location for storage of small belongings Ownership documents home, vehicle(s), bank and credit accounts take to a safe location in advance Birth certificates, marriage license, court orders, restraining orders, passports, social security cards, school records and health records - take to safe location or photocopy with photocopies secured (Very important since shelters need identification)! Ensure that victim has the abusers social security number Purchase a mini cassette recorder with voice activation and turn it on when leaving the house or the car or place of work and leave it on until a safe place is reached carry it everywhere this MUST be done every time the victim is out on the street leave recordings in a safe location or turn them over to police have spare tapes on hand It can be used in the home Purchase an automatic disposable 24-shot camera and carry at all times Secure spare car keys where victim can find and reach them in an emergency (have copies made if they have disappeared do not have the car re-keyed at this point as it will only alert the abuser) Prepare a written list of phone numbers of helpers and resources Write a narrative of dates (as specific as possible) and events leading to the decision to leave (preferably given with other documents to safe location) Plan emergency procedures with childrens school staff and/or child sitter that can be activated with ONE phone call by victim or a named alternate
12

Plan signals to neighbors that could include a phoned phrase, a password, a coded car-horn signal, an exterior house light flashing or turned on in the daytime Pack and remove cherished items if abuser is away remove to a secure location Purchase/maintain a cell phone that is activated, kept charged and has a prepaid balance emergency phone numbers can be pre-stored Plan routes to shelter or safe haven know where to go who to call to access safe shelter Provide photos of abuser for police, office security and neighbors Set-up password protection on all accounts (utilities, bank and credit) Change mailing address to a post office box

If the abuser leaves the home, the victim MUST do the above as well as the following: Change the locks Report the abusers decision to live elsewhere to the police, neighbors, friends and family if the abuser is a military member, the victim should report his relocation and the reason for it to the military commander Immediately pack up and remove the abusers belongings eliminate his justification to return to the home agree a time and public place for his belongings to be turned over to him, contact the police to assist and protect Notify creditors, utilities, bank, childrens schools and sitters and your employer that the abuser has left and is no longer associated with the home both verbally and in writing document the dates and who took the information and keep copies of all letters Set up password protection for the children if someone else will pick them up this can be a game but it is necessary Notify insurers and if necessary take out insurance in your name only remove abuser from insurance, unless he is on the mortgage or loan If victim has not set up password protection on her accounts NOW is the time to do it If the spare car keys disappeared NOW is the time to either change the car locks (re-keying) or put a theft prevention device on the steering wheel and/or gear shift Place steel bars in windows and sliding doors to prevent them being forced open or purchase anti-forcing devices any delay gives the victim more time to get to safety and/or to call for help Purchase anti-entry devices that prevent a door from being forced inwards If there is no peep-hole in the doors, have them installed If there is no alarm system, consider having one installed and be willing to pay the extra fee for monitoring Document all attempts of the abuser to gain entry, to enter the home Photograph and document all destructive events Photograph abuser if he shows up at the victims home or work place NEVER allow the abuser entry If no restraining orders exist, get them If the home phone does not have caller id get it If the home phone does not have a voice recorder get one that does and keep the abusers recorded messages as evidence have plenty of spare tapes if the recorder is digital, document dates, times, and messages store these in a safe location or turn over to police

13

If the victim and children leave, the same items apply in their new residence. Absence of the abuser does NOT mean the abuse will stop! Victims need to be advised that the abuser will escalate his attempts to gain entry and to catch the victim or children unawares. Neither legal separation nor divorce will necessarily stop the abuse. If a victim proceeds with divorce after any length of time after separation she should expect the abuse to pick-up if it has diminished. Victims need to be constantly aware and prepared for abuse when traveling to a location that the abuser is aware of. Especially if the abuser will also be in the same location as in childrens college graduations, major sporting events, weddings and funerals. A victim needs to be prepared to state to hotel staff her concerns about security and if necessary to ask for their help in secretly moving to another room. Victims need to be specific about what named persons may have key cards or keys to her room. Victims need to report events to local police. Victims must be prepared to either remain in the room while staff are cleaning it or to request that no cleaning be done; many hotel staff speak little or no English in this country and they will be unsure of who should have access to a particular room. Obviously, this is more complex in foreign locations. Victims should also remain aware of her things in her room where they are, their condition the quantities, and any discrepancies need to be reported to hotel management and police. If a room is trashed, the victim needs to notify hotel management, take pictures and report it to police.

What can you do?

You can spot the 10 Warning Signs: 1. Public humiliation and embarrassment of the victim 2. Pushing, grabbing, pinching, shoving, hitting in public 3. Violent angry outbursts of the abuser 4. Subdued, fearful attitude around abuser 5. Facile, unlikely reasons for bruises 6. Anxiety or depression of the victim or children 7. Suicide attempts (victim or children) 8. Continually checking up on victim to see if she is really where she said shed be 9. Blaming victim for how abuser feels or acts 10. Intimidating or threatening to gain victims compliance You can document events and incidents. You can develop a group of professionally trained and accredited contacts counselors, medical workers, lawyers, shelter directors, child and battered women advocates, law enforcement officials, job counselors, job training facilities, other religious leaders. You can create, participate in and help fund joint ventures between these professionals. You can offer a place of meeting and facilitate such meetings. You can develop and participate in a network of trained volunteers. You can advocate change to legal systems still allowing a victim to recant her accusations.
14

Abuse is ugly and anyone connected to its effects should have ready access to counseling and spiritual guidance. You can provide a safety net which while not infallible will strengthen over time. Empower yourself to become an active advocate through training. Know that anger management graduates still attack and murder their victims

What attitudes immediately lie ahead?

No one wants to hear about abuse Lead the way and open a dialogue Have survivors present their cases Eliminate the barriers to speaking about abuse (silence, secrecy, shame) Deny the denials with statistics Use professionals reports Bring the hidden out of the closet Reaction is negative be pro-active Sensationalism is fragmentary death is permanent Include reports on the progress in parish wide annual reports Avoid the RC syndrome, Abuse wont resolve on its own or under someone elses province Address the incidents where they happen, when they happen Have your safety net in operation to protect the victim Your advice is critical to both the victim and the abuser be prepared Report intentions as you would child abuse NEVER tell a victim she must be a better wife/lover/partner, a more patient and understanding wife/lover/partner NEVER remind her to honor her husbands wishes in all things Many of the descriptions could be anything, could be innocent Abuse is one of those BIG pictures in life Listen, watch and put the pieces together When in doubt, seek professional advice Talk to a survivor, they have instincts that are acute Learn to hear the double speak of both victim and abuser Learn the symptoms of PTSD Document events as they happen you may be building a case for law enforcement and legal action Victims often become abusive to their children, they are ashamed of this and they may talk about conflicts within their homes especially when it comes to discipline If the abuser travels a lot, children will exhibit disruptive behavior when he is due to return; it is a defined pattern both in actions and moods

This could be a dangerous activity to be involved with victims You will suffer emotional exhaustion Safety of victims and counselors is a vital part of your preparations Victims should have an alternative route to leaving your office if you are counseling them Part of the envisioned network provides for safety training and working with local law enforcement
15

The only ABSOLUTE TRUTHS about victims of domestic violence

Victims suffer from: PTSD and Stockholm Syndrome, as evidenced by:
Anxiety attacks Mood swings Depression, graduating to suicide attempts Enabling the abuser Denial of abusers wrong doing Complex explanations Guilt Shame

Victims are:
Poor jailbirds Wealthy non-offenders Cold withdrawn takers Passionate involved givers Illiterate untalented dull noncreative stay at home types Educated gifted imaginative creative well traveled Unemployed unable to hold a job misfits Employed career oriented leaders Non-religious Religious and practicing Economically and socially disadvantaged Socially and economically advantaged

Race is not a qualifier! In short you are looking at a non-offending, passionate, giving, involved, educated, socially and economically advantaged, gifted, creative, well traveled, imaginative, who survived. Victims cannot be stereotyped. Survivors can be in one aspect only Survivors live with PTSD

all of their lives (previous victims and children equally).

In summation, you need new eyes, new ears, new lips and new thought-processes! You will be dealing with an all-pervasive evil quantity. It is a parasitic evil feeding off complacency. It is a complacency easily transformed into a pro-active advocacy.

16

SOME EXAMPLES OF

THE DOUBLE SPEAK OF ABUSE

(TO BE TAKEN ONLY IN CONJUNCTION WITH OTHER FACTORS IN THE BIG PICTURE) ABUSER
Its for her own good Shes a slob (slut, whore, bitch, idiot, etc) Its all her fault Its always her fault She can never get it/ anything right Shes too stupid, too dumb Shes a hypochondriac She has no self-confidence She made me hit her She owes me, the kids owe me Its my right A man deserves a decent meal/clean house/food on the table when he gets home Its ok to slap her around a bit I didnt mean to hit her/them so hard 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Pinpointing one individual as the root of all the family problems (whether spouse or child) Extreme reactions to small things by spouse or child Sudden change in attitude to another unrelated person Bully-boy, know-it-all attitude that gets belligerent when confronted Unrelenting verbal abuse in public, putting down victim 6. Grabbing, pushing, pinching and/or hitting a victim in public

VICTIMS
Its all my fault I deserve his anger, discipline Im never right Im not allowed to make decisions I really need to honor my husband better Im not such a good wife/mother He hit me but its my fault I fell, Im really clumsy I bruise easily I walked into a door/the chair/the table He doesnt want the kids to join/he wont allow the kids to join Im not allowed to talk on the phone/use the computer Oh! Hed never try to hurt me really Its just that I drive him crazy sometimes Its ok, hes just so upset with his job/his boss/the kids I stay with him for the childrens sake 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. Criticisms of the abuser laughed off and/or vehemently denied Erratic decisions by victim or child Sudden demeanor change when in presence of abuser Rushing home so as not to anger abuser Repeated minimization of injuries LISTEN to the excuses given for the abusers actions 17

Predictors Of Domestic Violence

(National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

The following signs often occur before actual abuse and may serve as clues to potential abuse: 1. Did he grow up in a violent family? People, who grow up in families where they have been abused as children, or where one parent beats the other, have grown up learning that violence is normal behavior. 2. Does he tend to use force or violence to "solve" his problems? A young man who has a criminal record for violence, who gets into fights, or who likes to act tough is likely to act the same way with his wife and children. Does he have a quick temper? Does he over-react to little problems and frustration? Is he cruel to animals? Does he punch walls or throw things when hes upset? Any of these behaviors may be a sign of a person who will work out bad feelings with violence. 3. Does he abuse alcohol or other drugs? There is a strong link between violence and problems with drugs and alcohol. Be alert to his possible drinking/drug problems, particularly if he refuses to admit that he has a problem, or refuses to get help. Do not think that you can change him. 4. Does he have strong traditional ideas about what a man should be and what a woman should be? Does he think a woman should stay at home, take care of her husband, and follow his wishes and orders? 5. Is he jealous of your other relationshipsnot just with other men that you may knowbut also with your women friends and your family? Does he keep tabs on you? Does he want to know where you are at all times? Does he want you with him all of the time? 6. Does he have access to guns, knives, or other lethal instruments? Does he talk of using them against people, or threaten to use them to get even? 7. Does he expect you to follow his orders or advice? Does he become angry if you do not fulfill his wishes or if you cannot anticipate what he wants? 8. Does he go through extreme highs and lows, almost as though he is two different people? Is he extremely kind one time, and extremely cruel at another time? 9. When he gets angry, do you fear him? Do you find that not making him angry has become a major part of your life? Do you do what he wants you to do, rather than what you want to do? 10. Does he treat you roughly? Does he physically force you to do what you do not want to do?

18

This manual has been a labor of love and tears. The information can be used for all: women, men, children, gay, lesbians, and transgender. We are all one people and ABUSE is ABUSE! Silent No More and working together we can break the cycle A Real Man Never Hits a Woman! http://www.causes.com/causes/140333-a-real-man-never-hits-a-woman Healing Wings Retreat http://www.healingwingsretreat.org The Power of What If - http://www.thepowerofwhatif.com a 501(3) (c) non-profit charity And for all of her hard work we want to thank Lyn Wattley as it is time that her work is recognized

19