Absence of Delay

Copyright 2001 by Thomas J. Leonard. No duplication. All rights reserved. Absence Of rogram October 11! 2001 " #$00 p.m. Thomas Leonard! %ession &eader TJ&$ 'elcome to the call. 'ho(s )oined us today* +participants chec, in-. are you en)oying the nuggets or )ust being in the space of .Absence Of.* ///$ 0es +multiple voices-. ///$ 'as there a nugget 110* 2 didn(t get that one. TJ&$ 2(ve gotten a couple of other emails on that3 2(ll re"send it. 'elcome to you all3 4e(re going to tal, about Absence of$ 5elay. This is the first of 10 discussions 4here 4e(ll tal, about 1! 2 or # topics3 2(ll be sending out another nugget in an hour or so. 6asically! 4e(re going to be tal,ing about some of the more profound areas. 2f you haven(t selected all your areas! maybe these 4ill give you some ideas of things to add to your program. Absence of consumption happens to be my focus this time! and ne7t time it(ll most li,ely be absence of reactions. There 4ill be elements of all these that you can apply to your pro)ect. %ince most of you have probably read both parts of the nuggets! 2 4on(t revie4 that! but 2(d li,e to hear from anyone 4ho(s got this as part of their program. 'ho 4ants to start* 8aith$ 2(ll start. 0ou and 2 spo,e by phone and one of the things that came up is that part of my delay is the 4hole fear of conse9uence. 2(ve been really playing around 4ith that idea! and 4hile 2 haven(t gotten totally clarity on it yet! but..... 2(m in the process of 4riting 2 boo,s! and things ,eep coming up that ma,e my boo,s move to the bac, burner. TJ&$ 'hen 4riting boo,s! a couple of the things that generally cause delay are +1- lac, of structure " it(s something that people have as a good intention! but it almost never 4or,s. %tructure means that you are part of a boo, club! have a buddy that you can 4rite 4ith! etc. 'riters often need routines because it(s such a demanding process3 don(t blame it on yourself. The second source is +2- lac, of :A;. Just li,e opening a big program on your laptop can suc, the memory out of your computer! a big pro)ect can do that for you as 4ell. %ometimes it(s hard to 4rap your arms around a big pro)ect. %ometimes it ta,es a lot of :A; in your life " meaning space in your life " to get started. %ometimes it(s better to put off 4riting a boo, until you can simplify your life. 2t(s a challenging process! and perhaps more than you(ve given it credit for. 8aith$ 2t 4as helpful. TJ&$ <o4 4as it helpful* 8aith$ 2 really li,e the idea of creating more structure! and 2 see that creating the time space )ust isn(t enough. 2 li,e the buddy idea! and the other idea about creating more space. At first! 2 thought 2 don(t 4ant to delay it longer! but maybe 2 need to do that. TJ&$ Today there are so many more complicated pro)ects 4e can ta,e on " 4hether it(s intellectual or collaborative " re9uires a lot more to get these off the ground than our parents had to do. 2f you respect that! you 4ill then reali=e it(s a much bigger deal and 4ill reserve space for it rather than )ust ta,ing the 4ee,end off to do something. your boo, is no different than the sears to4er3 it ta,es a lot of 4or, to get both of them off the ground.

One thing that causes delay is that the person(s environment isn(t set up properly to be successful 4ith the pro)ect and allo4 it to come to fruition. 2n your heart! you ,no4 it(s not going to be .finish" able. and it stops your body from even starting so you(re protected from the frustration. 2 tend to come from the place of abandoning a pro)ect or delaying it if my body is giving me those signals! rather than trying to override them. if you(re having a continual delay! respect that it(s 4arning you that something isn(t 9uite right and is protecting you from anything but success. Anybody else 4ant to share their situation* 5ave$ 2 sent you an email about absence of inertia! and you suggested delay and that really 4or,ed for me. 2t centers around my coaching practice and the model 2(ve been using. 2 ,no4 2 need to change my TJ&$ 'hat are you delaying no4* 5ave$ 2 guess 4hat are the concrete steps that 2 need to do to get my practice 4here 2 4ant to be. TJ&$ ardon me for saying this! but ho4 can you not ,no4 4hat the steps are* There(s so much content out there* 5ave$ 0eah! and 2(m ta,ing the full practice forms as 4ell. %ome things seem to resonate 4ith me and some don(t. 2(ve felt that 2 need to develop more of a niche! rather than being all things to all people. That(s something 2(m trying to focus on. TJ&$ %o you feel if you can articulate better 4hat you 4ant to do! then you(d be less hesitant to mar,et yourself* 5ave$ 0es! and it may be a little lac, of confidence in a niche area that 2 4ant to 4or, in. TJ&$ 2(m stuc, a bit here myself. 'hat do you thin, is causing the problem* 5ave$ 2 thin, it has partly been ignorance. 2 thin, the full practice course is helping! as 4ell as this program is giving me more introspection. TJ&$ 2(m still trying to figure out 4hat(s really causing the delay. 5ave$ 2(m really not entirely certain3 at some point! there(s a certain un4illingness to tac,le some of the things that need to be done or ought to be done. TJ&$ >7actly? There(s still not the drive or high interest in getting these done. 5o you ,no4 4hy that is* 'hat(s the source* 5ave$ 2 thin, part f it is the inertia. 2 feel li,e once 2 get on the path! 2 can continue on the path! and in the past fe4 4ee,s 2(ve started to do that. 2f 2 had a better idea myself! 2(d be able to articulate it better? TJ&$ 5o you have a friend that you 4or, on this 4ith* 5ave$ 0eah! as a matter of fact 2 do. 2(ve found an opportunity to get additional training in 4hat 2 feel my niche area is! and 2 thin, that(s 4hat 2 need to get the confidence. 2 could probably gather the resources myself and do it myself! but 2 thin, it(s )ust a confidence issue. TJ&$ @ive me a second to thin, this through. One of the reasons 4e do 4hat 4e do is that 4e have nothing better to do. 2(m going to use your e7ample to ma,e my point " 4here someone is stymied but they have good e7planations! it(s because they have nothing more compelling to do than be stuc, in the niche that they(re in. 'hat(s missing from your voice " you sound ,ind of flat

about the 4hole coaching thing. 2 don(t ,no4 if it(s not clear to you that the 4or, you do ma,es a difference in others! or if you haven(t had enough clients to understand that! or something else! but.... 5ave$ 2(ve had 9uite a fe4 clients! and 2 do understand! but 2 thin, 2(m getting hung up on the more mar,eting ,inds of things that have no appeal to me. TJ&$ eople have bloc,s around the mar,eting and 2 totally respect that! and there are a couple 4ays to go " you can put yourself in the hands of someone to 4al, you through the process! or ,eep a small number of clients that you gain by referral. %ome coaches are )ust un4illing to 4or, through their bloc,s in the mar,eting area! and for those! if you find yourself bloc,ed about anything in your life! 2(m a believer in the notion of responding to that " if 2 didn(t 4ant to mar,et and 4as not 4illing to change " and 2(m going to over"respond and set up my life to be secure 4ithout a single piece of mar,eting ever in my life. 2 used to thin, that 2 should! but there are certain things that in my lifetime! 2(m simply never going to do. No4! it re9uired me to change my life a bit so 2 could afford the conse9uences. 2t(s a radical approach! but it 4or,s. 2s there a 4ay you can set up your life to never have to mar,et again* 5ave$ 2t(s entirely possible. 2 thin, the ignorance part is probably a big issue there. 2 almost feel li,e 2(m on the path! but brought it up because that 4as my topic. 2 thin, this 4ill help me get through it that much faster. TJ&$ Than,s3 4ho else* @ail$ 2 4rote to you and shared that 2 4as thrilled after my CT2 8ulfillment class. ;y pro)ect is absence of struggling! and one of my areas is letting go of clutter. 'hat 2(ve reali=ed is that it(s not only the bo7es that are stac,ing up! but it(s also my email and my language3 2 try to set it up to try to get the person on board before 2 get to the point. TJ&$ That(s an important self"reali=ation3 that(s great. @ail$ 'hat 2(m delaying! 2 thin,! is tac,ling the paper " 2 get 4hat you said about the scheduling! and 2(ve scheduled a 1A2 hour each day " 2(ve also reali=ed that if it(s on my (to do( list and 2 don(t get it done! then 2 feel bad. 2(m trying to 4or, on these ne4 habits as 2 have ne4 paper coming in. TJ&$ That(s great. 2(d li,e to ma,e 2 points. There are sometimes ne4 techni9ues or ne4 muscles to e7ercise 4hen you ma,e a change " 4hether it(s ne4 filing cabinets! a ne4 filing system! etc. " and there(s often a different 4ay of loo,ing at the entire dynamic so those techni9ues can 4or, even faster and better. 'hen 2 loo, at someone and there(s a problem in the area of struggling! 2 al4ays assume there(s a really valid reason for this to occur! and 2(m al4ays curious to find 4hat this reason is. 2t may! as you(ve said yourself! be around the perceived conse9uences. %ometimes people can feel proud of themselves to delete B00 emails of stuff that they thought they(d get to! or hauling out 2 <efty bags of old paper. 2t(s an opportunity cost " if you(re 4or,ing on something that brings in C10!000 per year! you(re ta,ing time a4ay from something else! and 4ho ,no4s ho4 much that time is 4orth* @ail$ ;y mission in life is being good enough. TJ&$ 0ou ,no4 4omen 4ere brought up to be good! so that(s )ust a part of your culture. ;any people don(t have the courage or resources or a4areness that they can live counter to their cultural upbringing. @ail$ A free client that 2 coach presented me 4ith a piece of that " 2(m at least responsible! 2 feel! for reading my email. %he sent me 2 emails about not sho4ing up for a class! and 2 4as uptight about her seeming .no sho4s. and it 4as really starting to get to me. %he relied 100 percent on

the email! and 2 didn(t get them read. TJ&$ >7actly? @ail$ 2 actually thin, that 2 could be responsible and feel that that(s a priority and go less on the paper. TJ&$ %ome people are forever doomed to manage paper. 2(m one of those people! and one 4ho could never change that trait. 8or me the cost of seeing paper all over the floor 4ould be absolutely severe! and that(s 4hy 2(ve changed my system for managing this. @ail$ 2(m thin,ing of either letting it go! or )ust filing it and 4or, on it later. TJ&$ 2f 4e(re shame"based! 4e feel some sort of pressure to see it through to completion. @ail$ Can 2 see if 2 got you* 2 4ould agree that 2(m shame"based! but then do .coulds. become .shoulds. for me* TJ&$ 0es! they do. @ail$ That(s really helpful. %omeone commented about my to do list and mentioned that if it sits there for # days! maybe it(s not something you really need to do. 2 thin, 2 sometimes don(t 4rite do4n inspirational things because it then seems to become a burden. TJ&$ eople that are shame based loo, for e7cuses to feel bad about themselves! and paper is the 4orst 4ay ever invented. 0ou might also 4ant to give up the notion of commitment3 2(ve learned to abandon commitments and have become 4him"based. @ail$ The 4ord .4him. comes from inspiration for you* Or is it more fanciful* TJ&$ 2t(s both. 2f you(re creative! you rely on those sources of intuition! so 2 don(t 4ant to classify it as one or the other. @ail$ 'hen 2 see an opportunity to spea, 4here people might need me! 2 do and it(s been bringing me business " maybe 2 should ,eep going 4ith those 4hims. Than, you. TJ&$ Name one thing that(s been helpful. @ail$ 'hen you said 4e loo, for reasons to feel bad3 2 thin, 2 loo, to ma,e it harder. Also! 2(ve reali=ed that 2(m brilliant and 4hen things loo, easy! 2 thin, that can(t be it and clutter it " ma,e it harder. 2(m letting go of that. TJ&$ 0ou loo, to ma,e things more e7pensive. @ail$ Than, you. TJ&$ @ood e7ample3 than, you. ;artha$ 2(ve found it interesting the last couple of days. 2 see delay as procrastination! 4hich 2(m either really good at or really bad at. TJ&$ 0ou can be both? +laugh;artha$ 2 thin, for myself it(s related to perfectionism3 2 thin, maybe part of it is a need to be ta,en seriously! and that if 2 don(t do it properly! it(s a shame.

TJ&$ &et me as, you a couple of 9uestions and tell me 4hich fits better. 2n some cases people can(t start or finish pro)ect because they sense they can(t do the 9uality )ob that their standards 4ould re9uire of them. 2n other cases! a person is more motivated about the conse9uences of criticism. 2s it internal or e7ternal* ;artha$ 2 thin, it(s a bit of both. 'here it became strong 4as 4hen 2 started at university a couple of years ago! 4hen 2(d have an essay! 2(d put it off until the last day and get a good grade! but left the course after 2 years because partly some things didn(t interest me anymore. 2t 4as feeding the fear of criticism! rather than because 2 4as doing it for en)oyment. 2t 4as though the perfection had almost ta,en over. TJ&$ &et me rephrase it a bit. %ometimes 4e don(t ,no4 4hy 4e procrastinate3 if you loo, at the rate of evolution over the past 20 years! it(s enormous. 8or those affected negatively by criticism! people go the self"study route rather than the degree. 8or many people 4ho are sensitive in this area! it(s been a godsend. They have to abandon a degree! but get tremendous fulfillment! even though they don(t have a diploma to sho4 for it. There(s al4ays a reason for the delay! and it(s )ust a matter of finding 4hat that is. ;artha$ That does ring very true for me. TJ&$ 2t(s really part of a different dynamic than you might have described! and that(s the ,ey. 2t often ta,es someone else to point out something to you because 4hen you(re in a forest! you can(t see the trees. The purpose of our course is to loo, at every single dynamic and figure out 4hat(s going on! and become really a4are. 'hat you(re really doing is increasing your understanding about things and the nature of things so you ma,e better choices. As you learn a couple of things li,e this! you(ll begin as,ing yourself 4hat the bigger dynamic is " 4hat(s beyond 4hat you(re seeing! or the bigger system. ;artha$ Than, you very much3 that(s very true. TJ&$ 0es! and that(s one of the benefits 4e bring to our clients. 2t(s things 4e can(t usually see ourselves. Time for one more. &inda$ ;y situation is that 2 can have the structure laid out for a pro)ect! and yet! 2(m ready to go! and at the last minute 2(ll veer off and go to my computer and do something. 2 can(t 9uite figure out 4hy 2(m doing that. TJ&$ 2(ll tell you 4hat 2 do! that maybe 4ill help. 2 don(t trust myself! and because 2 don(t! 2 ma,e sure 2 have structures that don(t rely on me doing anything. 2(m simply irresponsible and unreliable and ma,e sure that 2 have structures that are bigger than me. &inda$ That ma,es sense and it 4or,s really 4ell in my business. There(s a small area in 4hich 2 do this and it seems to be in my disorgani=ation and clutter. TJ&$ 2(m in an :D and 2 bribe my neighbor to come and drin, cappuccinos 4hile 2(m filing. They can thro4 things at me if 2(m not doing 4hat 2(m supposed to be doing. The person(s )ob can be to either laugh at you because you(ve got a mess! or help you. 2t(s a small price to pay to get the result you really 4ant. 2 call it baby"sitting. 2 bring someone in for E hours a month and pay her C1F.00 an hour and 2 do most of the 4or, " 4ho(d turn that do4n* &inda$ 2(m going to 4or, on that " than, you.

TJ&$ &et(s spend the last couple of minutes tal,ing about 4hat you(ve learned today. Our primary focus 4as absence of delay. &inda$ 2 heard that 2 should honor my procrastination3 something is telling me 2(m not ready. ;arta$ 2(m thrilled by the notion that 2 can accept the conse9uences and not do it. TJ&$ 2sn(t that fun* +laugh;arta$ 2t(s magical! that(s 4hat it is? TJ&$ 2(ve made a policy to never return anything because 2(m embarrassed by doing it. so! 2 buy # different ,inds of something and give 2 a4ay. ///$ 8or me! it(s that there(s an underlying reason for the 4ay 4e are! and that 4e )ust need to dig that out. 'e(re not bro,en! 4e )ust need to understand it. TJ&$ 0es! it(s an opportunity to e7pand your thin,ing. ///$ 2(ve learned to give myself permission to hire a babysitter. 2t(s totally 4in"4in3 2 4or, in a home office and am alone a lot! so 2 get company and get the )ob done! and they get money. TJ&$ 2t )ust 4or,s! that(s the important thing? 'ho else* ///$ The 4hole notion that .coulds. become .shoulds. 2 get so hung up on things that 4ay. TJ&$ Than, @ail for that one? +laugh///$ 2 )ust love the idea of the freedom of not doing 4hat 4e don(t 4ant to do " )ust find another 4ay to ma,e it 4or,. One of my things is to hire a house,eeper. @ail$ 2(d li,e to share a .light bulb.. This 4hole thing of resistance might have a reason " 2 4as supposed to fly tomorro4! but the events have really made me struggle. The fact that there(s resistance maybe means that 2 shouldn(t go. TJ&$ 2f there(s any sort of bloc,age! sometimes you 4ant to 4or, through it and go on! but sometimes you )ust 4ant to say .no.. That(s not something 4e(ve been conditioned to do " 4e(ve been conditioned to tough it out. 'ho(s ne7t* Judy$ 2 got a lot of value of hearing about being irresponsible? This is really feeling 4onderful3 2(ve been an over"committer for G0 years! and 2 thin, 2 can benefit from this concept. ///$ 2 have )ust a 9uic, 9uestion " is there going to be a transcription for each one of these* TJ&$ 0es! and it(s going on right no4. Than, you all for playing3 have a great day.

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