September 3, 2013

Teen sexuality: Help! My teenager has gone boy/girl crazy!

Ahh, teenagers. The hormones, the emotions, the awkwardness. As if being a teen wasn't punishing enough, our kids also have to deal with their bodies sending them crazy with thoughts about sex. Dr Justin Coulson shares some advice on how to cope as a parent. Dr Just in C oulson
Expert

Dr Justin Coulson is a parenting author, founder of happyfamilies.com.au (happyfamilies.com.au), and Kidspots Parenting Expert. Follow him on Facebook (www.facebook.com/happyfamilies.au).

Rec ent A rt ic les

When your child says hes dumb: 8 things to say when kids uses the Dword (http://parenting.kidspot.com.au/childsays-hes-dumb-8-things-say-kidsuses-d-word/) How to teach your kids self control (http://parenting.kidspot.com.au/teachkids-self-control/) The most important thing you can do for your kids (http://parenting.kidspot.com.au/importantthing-can-kids/)

Puberty creates some interesting challenges for teenagers and their parents. One of the most interesting of these challenges is the crazy rush of hormones that can drive our teens boy- or girl-crazy.

W hy is my t eena g er so sexua lly a wa re?

As puberty commences, the adrenal gland creates androgens (hormones, including testosterone) that stimulate our teenagers sexual development and their sex drive. Androgens act like a biological alarm that lets the body know it is ready to begin to reproduce. Teenagers are highly attuned and responsive to this change. When we combine these hormonal changes with the sexual maturation of our teens bodies, teens awareness of the changes and a biological alarm that says these changes are exciting, and then we add the social impact of friends experiencing the same thing, combined with a marketing and media frenzy that sells sex, its little wonder that our kids become obsessed with boys, girls, and sexuality. So how do we help our teenagers maintain their dignity, fight off those hormones and keep sight of the big picture? And what should parents not do?

3 sim p le d ont s

Dont make your kids feel like theres something wrong with them if they suddenly develop an interest in potential romantic partners. Theyre supposed to have that interest even if wed prefer they wait another few years! Dont tease your kids for showing interest in others. Teasing can make them feel insecure about their feelings, but more than that, it can make them less likely to talk to you when they need you. Dont ban friends and relationships. Banning it wont work. It simply pushes the relationship into the shadows where you cant see it. (I know of one girl who was told by her dad not to call or text a boy. She just changed his name to a girls name in her phone and he was none the wiser.)

3 sim p le d os

Do talk about relationships a lot and from an earlier age than you think may be necessary. Research tells us that ongoing communication between parents and teens reduces the likelihood that teens will have sex (only a little bit), and greatly increases the likelihood that theyll be careful if/when they do. Research also tells us that teenagers are more likely to say no to unwanted sex (or sex under pressure) when they speak to their parents regularly about intimacy.

Do make sure the communication is two-way, rather than a lecture. Studies clearly show that the effect of parent-child communication on what teens decide to do depends a LOT on who does the talking and what is being said. The conversation must be interactive, rather than dominated by parents, to lead to buy-in from the teenager.

Do teach values more than behaviours. What does this mean? Our teens are more likely to resist pressures, manage their hormones and keep their dignity when they understand and internalise our values. For example, research among girls with open-minded, liberal parents shows that talking about sex with their parents is associate with more, rather than less, sexual activity because those parents are more likely to endorse it. Comparatively, among more conservative parents, conversations with teens promote less sexual activity but see the first two dos to understand how and why this works.

W ha t ha s t he g rea t est influenc e on t eens a nd t heir m ora l c hoic es?

While parents undeniably have an influence in what their teens choices are when hormones are heating up, research shows that the greatest contributors to whether theyll keep their head and not make rash or premature decisions are opportunity to have sex (such as steady relationships), whether their friends are sexually active and their use of alcohol and other drugs. But parents can have an impact on their childrens decisions around boyfriends and girlfriends, and their teens use of alcohol and drugs (and therefore, their decisions around sexual behaviour) by keeping their relationships strong and having regular and ongoing conversations with their teens where the teenager gets to do the talking.
M ore from K i ds pot:

A parents guide to surviving your teens first love (http://parenting.kidspot.com.au/a-parents-guide-tosurviving-your-teens-first-love/#.UgmCxmT8-Jw) Teens and sex parents are the best sex educators (http://www.kidspot.com.au/,http://www.kidspot.com.au/Parenting-Teen-Parents-are-the-best-sexeducators+7052+751+article.htm) Sex on the first date: Can we teach our teens to wait? (http://parenting.kidspot.com.au/sex-on-the-firstdate-can-we-teach-teens-enough-self-respect-not-to-do-it/)

M ore rela ted rea di ng:

The break-up: Helping your teen through heartbreak (http://www.mamiverse.com/the-break-up-helpingyour-teen-through-heartache-3867/) from The Mamiverse Teenagers and sexual behaviour (http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Teenagers_sexual_behaviour) from The Better Health Channel

Three lessons to teach your teen about sex (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/promoting-empathyyour-teen/200910/three-lessons-teach-your-teen-about-sex) from Psychology Today

Are y ou dealing wit h a boy -crazy or girl-crazy t een at t he moment ? H ow are y ou coping?

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