My Personal Understanding of Nonviolent Communication

My personal understanding of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is that NVC is a process as well as a tool. According to Marshall B. Rosen erg! who developed NVC! the est way to understand that which is alive in me is to e in touch with my feelings and aware of my needs. As " see it! the process of connecting with feelings and needs can e compared to meditating. #he act of getting in touch with my feelings and needs puts me in a state of mind in which " am a silent witness to this very process. $urthermore! as " am in touch with my feelings and needs! " egin to understand that my thoughts and emotions do not dictate who " am as a human eing and that there is no need for me to identify myself with them. " elieve that the NVC process allows me to live life in a meditative state of mind. The Philosophy behind Nonviolent Communication According to the philosophy of NVC the driving force ehind people%s actions is the desire to meet asic needs. &ithin this framewor' it is elieved that people wish to contri ute to other people%s needs eing met as long as it doesn%t ta'e place under pressure or threatening circumstances. The Bodys Signal System $eelings are a way for the ody to let us 'now whether our needs have een met or not. &e have the a ility to fully understand one another ecause we all share the same human needs. &hen we are tired the ody%s signal system ma'es us feel sleepy. &hen we are hungry the ody%s signal system lets us 'now that it needs to replenish nourishment and so on. #his is a simple way to ensure our survival and well eing. A ma(or difficulty is that so many of us do not understand how our signal systems function and therefore can%t properly assess the need ehind the feeling. Secondary Feelings Anger here is a secondary feeling as it signals an unidentified need. &e ecome disconnected from our needs ecause our thoughts are preoccupied with people around us and inadvertently lose connection with ourselves. &e perceive a person or a situation as the root cause of our anger and therefore direct our anger and frustration outward. #he pro lem is not eing angry the pro lem is how we choose to handle our anger. )ne way of handling anger is to ac'nowledge the sensation of anger as an unidentified need and empathi*e with ourselves in order to reconnect. +uilt and shame elong to the same category as anger! however feelings of guilt and shame are usually turned inward and we punish ourselves instead. &hen guilt and shame are handled in this way for a long time we ecome depressed. The Four Components of Nonviolent Communication &hen we interpret and assess our environment we inadvertently form ideas and opinions a out our environment! M. Rosen erg calls it ehaving li'e a (ac'al! and we end up losing touch with ourselves. "f threats or demands are added to this process any hope of reconnecting to ourselves will e lost. &hen we evaluate our environment whether that is a person or a place the intention according to NVC is to e understood! or that there is a desire to connect with others however misleading that may e. #he four NVC components that will facilitate a connection are, 1. 2. 3. 4. Observation Feeling Needs Request

An observation loo's at facts- what you see! what you hear! void of opinion or (udgment. An o serva le fact can e videotaped or recorded. #o .spea' (ac'al/ is to allow for interpretations! evaluations! (udgments! and assumptions which only disconnect us from ourselves and each other and is the cause of many conflicts. A feeling is a sensation elicited y the ody%s signal system. #he ma(ority of the population confuses thoughts with feelings. $or e0ample! many of us might say ." don%t feel that you listen to me/. #his is a notion and ehind the notion might e a feeling of irritation or sadness. #he pitfall is to e0press thoughts! notions! or ideas as feelings. A asic need is shared y everyone. &hat differentiate us from each other are the strategies used in order to meet our needs. A strategy is a way to satisfy a need. 1owever! a strategy can lead to conflict! especially when we are unyielding of a preferred strategy. A present request should entail the following,

2#he person who receives the re3uest should e a le to adhere to the re3uest here and now. #he re3uest is not meant to e met from here on end. 2 #he re3uest should e stated in such a way so that a person on the receiving end can say no to the re3uest. "f you get annoyed when someone says no to what you elieve is a re3uest then that is a sure sign that the re3uest was a demand rather than a present re3uest. "t is important to e aware of our intentions. Sho ing !mpathy By empathy " mean an a ility to understand another human eing%s feelings and needs and that you respect and understand what they are e0periencing. #here is no need for words here as the main 3uality is to stay present as you go with the flow. #his means that you set aside your own thoughts! feelings! and needs while you are in the present. As you show empathy y listening empathically when someone is affected y secondary feelings such as anger! guilt! or shame you may help ease the negative state of mind for that person. !mpathy for Self &hen you don%t empathi*e with yourself you are no longer in connection with life itself! when you do empathi*e with self you reconnect with life energy. "n order to reconnect with life energy " use the four components descri ed earlier! ut " also ac'nowledge that " might have to delve in my own thoughts for a while! a situation " call the .4ac'al Caf5/. At the .4ac'al Caf5/ " allow myself to evaluate and (udge thoughts a out myself or someone else in order to egin to understand the needs underlying them. )nce " am done (udging and evaluating " as' myself the following 3uestions, Observation 2 &hat is my o servation6 Needs 2 &hat need is not met or what need is threatened6 &hen " connect with my need another feeling might emerge! a more su tle feeling. 7sually a feeling of distress will lay ehind feelings of shame and guilt! and perhaps you might sense irritation or sadness ehind anger. &hen you egin to give yourself empathy! that is to connect with self! you will e a le to connect with others as well. !"press #onestly " have the choice to e0press my needs and e0press how another person may contri ute to that need! and " can do so y eing honest. " elieve that people want to contri ute as long as it is voluntary. &hen " am aware of my needs " use the four NVC steps to e0press myself honestly. $isten ith Compassion A techni3ue " use in Nonviolent Communication is to guess a person%s feelings and needs so that the person can egin to connect with self. #his process is necessary in order to help the person see that you want to help them connect and that you understand what they are e0periencing. &hen eing present y listening empathically is not enough! then guessing is a good start. Managing Conflict Nonviolent Communication is an e0cellent tool to help manage conflict. Because the NVC method helps you ecome aware of needs as well as the various strategies people use in order to meet their needs you will e a le to help create a colla orative climate y staying present and listening empathically. Marshall has e0plained (which " can confirm) that all conflicts can e eliminated in 89 minutes counting from the time two conflicting parties ecome aware of each other%s needs. 1owever! in everyday life! it can e difficult to accomplish as we tend to get stuc' in ha itual thin'ing. http,::www.feelyourneeds.com:inde0.php6option;com<content=tas';view=id;>?=lang;english