THE RELIGION ISSUE

THE RELIGION ISSUE

VOLUME 1 ISSUE 7

IN THIS ISSUE:

BELIEVE IN SOMETHING BIGGER PAGE 8

A CHRISTIANS POINT OF VIEW PAGE 12

GRANDMA GOES GAGA FOR JESUS PAGE 10

THE BODY OF THE MEEK PAGE 14

DOG GONE RELIGION PAGE 24

ONE MORE SUNDAY PAGE 26

RELIGION: TWO SIDES PAGE 36

THE DEVILS CONCUBINE PAGE 42

RELIGIONCONTRIBUTORS
TYLER CRAFT
Believe in something...its good for you.

PATTY DELGADO
I am a sinner who is probably going to sin again.

NICOLE MACIAS
"Religion is still useful among the herd - that it helps their orderly conduct as nothing else could. The crude human animal is ineradicably superstitious, and there is every biological reason why they should be. Take away his Christian god and saints and he will worship something else..." - H.P. Lovecraft

THE MRF
My name is Mark Franco, I am a Christian, I believe in my values and morals. I live my live simple & complex. God is my witness and I ask him to give me strength everyday. Amen.

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MICHAEL LORENZO PORTER

I used to pray only when it rained. Im not sure why but rain was proof to me that there was somebody up there watching me. Id talk and hear not much back. I kept talking and nothing. Whens the last time it rained in L.A.? Gods dead, folks. Nothing to see here.

MAL PUESTO
Religion can be the purest of feelings, and it can be a blind spot for reason. It's a lot like love. They both lie in the same bed together. You cant prove either concept, but they exist, as evidenced by the multitude of pop songs and religious texts. I categorize it as a necessity for human survival. We need to believe in something bigger than ourselves in order to strive for greatness, whether it's religion, love, peace, etc. We cant live without either religion or love, so pick your poison wisely, and make the best of it.

MATTHEW ROMASANTA
I am a god.

VLADIMIR DE JESUS SANTOS

I shoot video religiously. My drawing skills are devilish. My creativity is godly. I will surely rot in heaven for all of my vanity and pride, as I'd be forgiven in hell for the same such inclinations.

JONATHAN SHEPPARD
I believed in god once... I won't make that mistake twice. AYEEE

What is RELIGION?

adam Adventists altar AGNOSTICISM anatta angels antichrist asceticism aTHEISM apparition apocalypse apostles ASTROLOGY atman BAHAI baptist bible bibliomancy blood bodhi dharma body brahma brahman brahmin brotherhood buddha BUDDHISM CANDOBLE CATHOLOCISM chant charity christ CHRISTIANITY church CONFUCIANISM COMMUNITY cosmos covenant cult culture CREATION cross CTHULHU dalai lama damnation darkness dianetics DeiSM diety divinity divine divination death demigod devil doctrine dogma dream eden education enlightenment eschatology esoteric eternity eucharist evangelicals eve evil EVOLUTION family forgivness freedom gede gender ghost GNOSTICISM god gospels grace guru HADES HATE heaven hell henotheism HINDUISM history holy identity institution ISLAM JEHOVAS WITNESSES JAINISM jesus jew jihad jinn JUDAISM jupiter KABBALAH karma khalsa knowledge krishna LAKSHMI LATTER DAY SAINTS law leadership life light LOGOS love magic mahayana maitreya mandir mantra martyr martinluthermarymeditation millennialismmohammadmonastacism mormon MOSES mosque MYSTICISM myth mythology NATION OF ISLAM nature nirvana nun occult ohm orthodoxy osiris pagoda pastor path paul Peace penance politics pope practice prayer priest priestess promise PROSPERITY pROTESTANTISM purgatory quran quanyin rabbi ramadan RASTAFARIANISM rebirth reincarnation religio resurrection ritual rosary sacred sacrifice Saint salvation samsara sANTERIA satan SATANISM science SCIENTOLOGY scripture secret shaman siddhartha gautama SHINTO SHIA SHIRK shiva SIKHISM sin SOCIETY SOUL SUFISM sun SUNNI supernatural spirit SPIRITUALISM struggle TAOISM tao te ching temple testament text theos theology therevada torah trimurti UNDERWORLD UNIVERSE vajriyana vatican vedas venus veve virgin vishnu VODOU war wealth WICCA witch witchcraft wizard worship YhWH xenu zoroaster ZOROASTRIANISM ZEN zeus

BIGGER
Illustration by Tyler Craft

believe in something

GRANDMA

FOR JESUS
Michael Lorenzo Porter

Goes Gaga

"Por favor, tomen asiento, el servicio est a punto de comenzar. (I try to loosen my tie but then I'm quickly reminded that it's a clip on.) "Contina sus cancioneros a la cancin 47 (cuarenta y siete) y nete a nosotros en el canto de "declarar las buenas nuevas" (I hate singing in public but if I move my mouth, they will think I'm singing along.) "Jehov Dios, nuestro Padre celestial, te damos alabanza y agradecimiento por sus leyes y decisiones justas, te damos gracias Padre por enviar a Jess para que nos d el pan sin diluir desde el cielo, ya que nos alimentan de su palabra. Oramos por la curacin completa de nuestros hermanos y hermanas enfermos, porque sabemos que Jess rayas que sanen. Padre, oramos por su espritu para estar entre nosotros y ensearnos - en nombre de Jess, Amn."

(I wish I knew what he was saying. I want to watch cartoons. My neck hurts. Why do we have to bow anyway? Geez.) "La charla de hoy ser dada por el hermano Garca. l se encuentra de visita de la congregacin Palos Verdes, su charla es sobre "Las trampas de la pornografa". Hermano Garca .." (What's pornografia?) For a long long time I never questioned that the teachings being dished out at the Kingdom Hall may or may not have been true. For one, I didn't speak any Spanish but to be honest, I didn't think about them very much at all after we left the building. I never felt the need to. Life was simple. Go to school. Eat. Watch cartoons. Go to the kingdom hall. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. I don't know when I first started to qustion the things that were being banged into my brain, I guess at some point the routine became suspi-

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cious. I was being conditioned I realized. Conditioned not to think, question or wonder. This was the truth for god sakes! The goddamn truth! Who was I to question it? Who was I to dare say these things may not be right? All I wanted was to celebrate ONE birthday, one christmas or Halloween. Since leaving "the truth," Ive done all three and then some, they were a bit overrated but hey, at least I got the chance to experience them stopped, made a decision and survived. I think dependance on outside forces in times of strife weakens the mind and makes the spirit dead. One reason I didn't stop going to the kingdom hall sooner was out of fear. My grandmother used to go on and on; "You know Mike, Jorge (George) stopped following God's word and you see where that got him." (My uncle George was shot and killed in 1992 after a dispute with a friend over money owed near the L.A.

I was never a big fan of the idea that we all die at some point. I always thought I would live forever so this resurrection talk never really interested me and it still doesnt
and say for certain what they were like rather than having someone read to me about their experiences with such things. As a kid, you don't really have much choice in what you do with your Sunday mornings. That all changes when you hit a certain age. For some people it's 15, for others it's 35. I decided I had heard enough propaganda and nonsense after hearing it for 14 years. I just stopped going. I hung out with my friends more. I stayed out. I never really got into serious trouble, I just wanted to see what was so bad about this "world" I had been told was so evil.. What I found was pretty incredible; it turns out that evil is everywhere and belonging to any particular religion or sect won't protect you from harm. In fact it can only (in some folks minds) guarantee that after you have met an untimely demise, that you can be resurrected later on down the road. I was never a big fan of the idea that we all die at some point. I always thought I would live forever so this resurrection talk never really interested me and it still doesn 't. I've faced my own mortality many times and not once did I call on anyone to save me, I just river.) "He was not following God's word and he is dead now Mike. I see him and I see you. How do you think that makes me feel? (How do you think I feel that you are essentially telling me that not going to church is equal to a death sentence?) "I want you to be happy. I love you. Just keep going to the hall and you will be happy. Do what God says and your life will be amazing, you'll see. Jehovah, he provides for his sheep." (Fuck being a sheep. It was at this exact moment that I wondered if my grandmother had ever been a real person. I decided that she probably had been. I mean think about it, the only way a person could be THIS devoted to something was if they had come from the polar opposite at one point. Why was she SO damn sure that this religion was the one? Why was she so sure that all others were full of shit?) I wasn't sure of anything yet. I had to get away from this. The world needed to be seen and I had grown tired of being compared to a ghost she had lost. This is the end. I'm outta here.

A CHRISTIANS
The MRF

I am a christian with a vision and Im on a mission. to be the best to the test of my lifes expedition. I am a barber & a musician so my background has heavy ammunition. Ive been in the race to heaven since I was baptized at the age of 11. I was a choir boy when I was young. I was among the altos that sung and filled the holy house with are voices that spiritually allowed us to make the right choices. to prey for progression. and we all say are confessions. everyone is your family like brethren. where we prey for are soul to be strengthen. but not all follow the same practice. some would even attack this some people lack this. life is going downhill please dont try to abuse. some kill eachother because of their different views. what path do you take can we all have one that we can all choose. Unfortunatley everybody has a different state of mind. some dont mind, what era and time we are in. and some are just blind.

POINT OF VIEW
because of religion, some cant marry there own potna when they were the only one that made things propa so she left me and now my lifes impropa. I didnt even stop her. even if she stole my heart like a robber. now I gotta go hit the neighborhood like roger. and keep goin, keep flowing keep rolling this motion like jesus walking on the ocean feeling my soul being lifted. some are gifted some just miss it. by spending there time in a penitentiary because they were convicted. now you turn to god for forgiveness because he is your witness. and you prey to get rid of all sickness. to be the ultimate self of your whole existence. let us fix it with the holy spirit. dont fear it. its okay if you tear it. on your 3rd eyes. cause god is listening and watching over us like bird eyes. Amen HalleBerry-halleujah

The Body of the Meek

Jordan Santos
he red neon cross flickered over the roof of the soggy Church on 7th Avenue. The cross drew the attention of Charlie Castro, a man who had moved back to Los Angeles and was looking for salvation in the form of a dollar. Charlie was a well-spoken vagabond. He had traveled all along the West Coast for the last fifteen years. He had an unkempt beard that he trimmed once a week and always smelled of cocoa butter due to him always putting sunblock lotion on his skin. He maintained his weight through a diet that consisted of mostly peanut butter and bananas. He rarely ate any meat since he considered it a luxury, and Charlie couldnt afford any indulgences. He only needed enough money to sustain his prodigious lifestyle. In the fifteen years he had been hustling the streets, he only got tired of his diet a handful of times, usually when he walked by a steak house. The smell of the meat only reminded Charlie of his past life and comforts. Charlie was back in Los Angeles for the first time in fifteen years since his self-imposed exile. He promised never to return because he was afraid of LA. The city had beaten Charlie to a pulp, and every corner was a chance to unveil a steady stream of reminders of his many failures. There was the chance of seeing his ex-wife Miriam, his old colleagues from Davidtz & Frank, or even the dealers who had gotten him hooked on cocaine. If Charlie saw any of them, he just might relapse. It had been years since Charlie acknowledged his past life, and he did his best to let it slip out of his mind like grains of sand. He came back because he had exhausted his stay in Santa Barbara, and the local police were keen to arrest Charlie and lock him up for blemishing their bourgeois streets. Charlie stayed in Korea Town. He doubted anybody from would recognize him as he hardly ever did himself. He resembled Captain Ahab, but he had no white whale to chase, only a desire to survive. He had enough charm to score dollar bills from pedestrians. He had a knack for creating a rapport with strangers, which he got from his past life as a criminal lawyer. But he also would go the extra mile to make money. Once in Portland, Charlie helped a woman from being mugged and possibly raped by throwing a jar of his piss at the assailant. He had saved his piss at the time because he had a terrible cavity. The only thing that helped take away the pain was when Charlie gargled his own urine. The woman gave Charlie fifty dollars. He felt courageous and gave her a hug only to realize that she became uncomfortable. He apologized to her and she gave him fifty dollars, which he considered

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payoff money to leave. Ever since then, he decided it was easier to simply charm people than to put himself in harms way to make a buck. His motivation was to get enough money to support his living, so to him, that meant targeting generous people. It just so happened that certain religious people fit that profile the best. This is how Charlie found the Second Coming of Christ on 7th Street, or rather it found him with its flickering neon cross. It was the most worn down church he had seen in the city, but it was the most giving. After the sermons, Charlie would pan handle ten feet away from the door. He found that if he stood too close, he would be asked to come inside and there was nothing more boring to him than having to listen to a long drawn out sermon about faith. It was always an old lady who would ask him to come inside. Charlie thought she must have shrink-wrapped her compassion because it never seemed to spoil. Everybody else just paid and paid, giving him nothing below a quarter, which shocked him. The people of this congregation were so poor, Charlie noticed they would in the same outfit most nights of the week. He almost felt guilty taking their money, but that never stopped him. The Preacher, Lazarus, took notice of Charlie in the early evenings when he would stand outside the door to greet his followers. Lazarus would nod and wave hello to Charlie. Eventually, he couldnt help but walk over to Charlie to get to know this stranger. Lazarus was an imposing man despite his kindness. He was over six feet tall and had the frame of a lumberjack. His hands were large and rough like a man who worked construction. He had a light beard of salt and peppered hair and pale blue eyes that burrowed into peoples souls. Charlie grew nervous as Lazarus walked over to him until he flashed a kind, unassuming smile. Man, its a hot day. Yes, it is. Still, Id rather sweat than freeze. The cold makes me feel alive. Not me, I need the sun. Thats why I came back Cant beat that California weather. I suppose not. Its like paradise. Lazarus laughed at Charlie. It threw Charlie for a loop. He wasnt joking.

Im sorry but paradise is the last word Id use to describe this city. Let me tell you about this city. A woman was raped and killed one block away about a week ago. She was coming home from work, she was a waitress, and she had just gotten off the bus when a man assaulted her and took her to that alley over there. Her name was Maggie Orellana. And her killer is walking the streets as we speak. And you say this place is like paradise? How can I not laugh? I was talking about the weather Let me tell you something about the weather Hell can be deceptively inviting from afar, but once inside, it sears the flesh right down to the soul. Well. thats why I buy sunscreen. You know the UV rays are getting stronger by the day? You should look into it. The worlds slowly coming apart. Its not the world thats getting hotter, Lazarus said, Its our souls. I guess thats one way to describe global warming. Lazarus saw one of his followers and walked after them after he said God Bless You to Charlie. Somebody get that martyr a cross! Charlie wasnt sure if Lazarus heard him as he walked towards his flock. He was just glad that Lazarus decided to step away. Now he could leave to go get another banana and possibly a treat. He had been craving a donut all day. A Boston cream covered in powdered sugar. He went out for the rest of the day to find that very donut, and he came pretty damn close at the California Donuts off New Hampshire Street. It was a Boston Cream, but the donuteer refused to sprinkle powdered sugar on it. That was reversed solely for the powdered sugar donut. Charlie paid and refused to give a tip in the jar. And he made sure the donuteer took note of it. That night, Charlie slept in the alley, a block away form the Church. He found a discarded tarp which he set up as a tent by tying one end to the top of a dumpster and the other end on the ground, weighed down with some broken piece of concrete. As he huddled inside kept he getting hints of rotting noodles and warm mayonnaise. It made him dream of being in a mass grave of dead bodies. He was lying in the middle, alive, but dead at the same time. Unable to move or speak

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as soldiers walked around the ditch searching for survivors. In his mind, Charlie wept and cried for help, but the soldiers kept on walking over him. After being there for what seemed an eternity, a bright white light shined on Charlies eyes blinding him form the soldiers and the dead bodies. It was comforting until a voice from behind the light spoke Get outta here you fucking bum! Wake the fuck up! Charlie woke up to find the manager of the restaurant standing over him. The man was shining a flashlight in his face. The manager kept yelling until Charlie gathered his things and walked away. He walked another five blocks until he found a park that wasnt there when he had lived in the city fifteen years before. He found a gazebo and tucked himself in the corner until he woke up around six that morning. Charlie walked back to the Church and stood at his usual spot. He was surprised to find that in the two weeks he had been there, no other homeless people had bothered to claim the block. By the second day, Charlie felt it was extremely odd that he didnt have to threaten to beat somebody with his trusty carjack handle. It must have been the crumbling walls, and the chipped paint, or the rusted door that had survived years of abuse from a leaky gutter, or the feeble attempts of chicken shit graffiti, which bombarded the wall like a bad skin rash. Its possible that the place was too ratty even for most bums. If it was the Mormon Church on the other side of town, it would surely attract more beggars, but they usually have a security guard on hand to shoo people away. Charlie was staring at a murder of crows when he felt a cold grip his shoulder. He felt a slight chill even though his layers of tattered clothes. It was Lazarus who had that same smile on his face. I guess even Hell has its cold days, huh? Charlie said. Its just another trick of the devil. He plays them on all of us. One minute, its a beautiful day, the next it burns like the fires of hell. Thats what this place is well, this city at least. Ironic being that this is the city of angels. Lazarus chuckled and finally introduced himself: Im Lazarus. I didnt catch your name last time we

IT MADE HIM DREAM OF BEING IN A MASS GRAVE OF DEAD BODIES. HE WAS LYING INTHE MIDDLE, ALIVE, BUT DEAD AT THE SAME TIME.
met. Im Charlie. Lazarus he was the guy who Jesus brought back to life, right? Yes, he did. Didnt that technically make him a zombie? Well, not exactly. Correct me if Im wrong, but if you die, like youre dead for more than a day and you come back to life, than arent you a zombie? Not if your soul comes back to your body, which is what actually happened. I havent watched many zombie films, correct me if Im wrong, but zombies dont have a conscious or soul, right? Yeah, I guess youre right. At least they didnt in Night of the Living Dead. Now that was a great film! Lazarus smile left and he looked Charlie straight in the eyes. Charlie wasnt sure if he had said the wrong thing at the moment. He looked away. The murder of crows had flown away. Can I ask you for something, Charlie? Depends on what it is. If you need money, I cant really help you in that department. Weve been doing a project at the Church and Id like for you to be a part of it. I dont know. I was born a skeptic. It has nothing to do with your beliefs. See, were setting up a shelter in the back building on the lot. Weve been cleaning it up for months now and well, youre the first person Id like to ask to stay.

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I hope I didnt give you the wrong impression. I dont take that kind of charity. I dont need a home. Ive lived off the streets for fifteen years, and while I admit that its a lonely gig, Im not sure I can take that offer. Im sorry. I just thought you were a nice fellow. An honest person. Why do you think Im standing here? Because Im a nice guy? Ive been too honest most my life. I didnt mean to be presumptuous. Its just I prepared some soup and I thought we could share a meal Never mind. Im sorry. Lazarus turned around and walked back to the entrance of his Church. What kind of soup? Charlie asked. Clam Chowder. No shit? I love clam chowder. Red or white? Is that a joke? Im from Maine. I have my own family recipe that Ive patented over the years. Damn, well, I cant really say no to that, now can I? Im sorry if I came off like a jerk. Its okay. Im sure you thought I was trying to convert you. Well maybe just a little. I dont do that. You cant save anybody who doesnt want to be saved. But that doesnt mean you cant make friends. Charlies stomach gurgled as they walked to the church. He hadnt eaten since the morning so he was already drooling from imagining what the chowder would smell like. The inside of the church smelled like wet leather. There was a chalky film dancing in the air, highlighted by the beams of light. The church was pretty cramped and Charlie counted only six pews. There were two stained glass windows made of plastic, both of which were lit by a light bulb behind the glass. The altar at the back of the room was beaten up and soggy. It looked as if it might have had a bullet hole. Charlie wasnt sure. He was surprised that Jesus wasnt nailed to a cross. He took Lazarus for a Catholic. I know it isnt anything special, but its not about that. Its what you get in here that counts. Lazarus spoke, People often forget that Jesus preached in the desert. His church wasnt a gaudy palace of worship. It was out there on the streets, where all the lost souls are roaming, looking for a home that will never truly be unless they follow the path of God. That is where the Lord works, not in some fancy tomb. So God works the streets? He sounds like a pimp?

THE ALTAR AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM WAS BEATEN UP AND SOGGY. IT LOOKED AS IF IT MIGHT HAVE HAD A BULLET HOLE. CHARLIE WASNT SURE. HE WAS SURPRISED THAT JESUS WASNT NAILED TO A CROSS. HE TOOK LAZARUS FOR A CATHOLIC.
Dont sass God. You can make fun of me, you can eat my soup, hell, Ill even let you steal a few things, but dont mock God. Sheesh, Im sorry. I wont mock your God. Hes your God too. Well, hes doing a terrible job of things. Yeah but were the ones doing it. If were so bad at this, wouldnt you think at some point God would get off his ass and actually do something about it? We need a Father, not a deadbeat dad. The God youre describing is my uncle Bobby getting drunk watching a football game, and letting us do whatever the hell we wanted. If only you knew the way God works. I guess it takes a genius to figure it out, right? It has nothing to do with intellect. Its just that were too primitive to understand when hes given us a miracle. And what miracle did he give us recently? The car? No, we did that. Oh, the internet! No, that was Al Gore. How about the-- The Unified Field Theory.

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Ive heard of that, whats it called again? The Unified Field Theory. And how is that a miracle? Because its science finally acknowledging God. The Unified Filed Theory would prove what weve already known for centuries That God is what connects this universe together. Only now, it would be in a language even the skeptics can believe. But its still a theory. Yes, but theyre getting closer to having an answer. And once they do, we will reach a higher state of consciousness. People will accept God into their hearts because the proof will finally be there. Interesting Charlie grew silent after that knowing that if he wanted to have a hot bowl of soup, hed have to keep his mouth shut. So he followed after Lazarus, their shoes clinging to the linoleum floor as if they had soles made of tape. Lazarus opened the back door and the sunlight blinded Charlie. All he could see a strange geometrical pattern burning through the skin of his eyelids. Once he could see, he followed Lazarus through the concrete alley between the buildings. The cement floor was cracked like a spiders web with a drain hole in the center. Lazarus showed Charlie to the two-story duplex. It was cramped and built within the confines of the lot but had enough room for a few people to live in. Lazarus unlocked the door and showed Charlie to a table that was right next to the makeshift kitchen. He could smell the Clam Chowder brewing on a hot plate. His stomach gurgled in anticipation as Lazarus grabbed a bowl and served him. They sat down on the wooden dining table and Charlie began slurping down the soup with a slice of bread that he dipped into the soup until it would fall apart. Charlie leaned back on his chair and burped. He excused himself and began stroking his beard. This is the first time I had chowder since I was staying up in Seattle. I dont blame you. The chowder out here tastes like its from a can. They had the best. Its a shame really. I wouldve stayed if it wasnt for the rain. Whered you go after that? Oakland. I knew a few people there. Just some kids Id met along the way. I showed em a few tricks on how to live without a job, so they let me stay with some junkie that didnt even notice I was squatting there. What happened when he did notice you? I came here. Charlies stomach began to gurgle again, but this time it was as if the soup was spoiled. He clutched his stomach and rubbed it. His head began to throb a little and his eyelids were getting heavy. I dont mean to be an asshole, but I think the soup might be bad. You already feel it? Feel what? Charlie yawned and looked at Lazarus with marbled eyes that were buffed over three times over. His jaw felt heavier than usual, so it slouched open on its own accord. And then his saliva glands turned against him and drool dribbled down his ratty beard, sticking to every strand of hair like a sorry son of a bitch falling to his doom. And then he heard an echo in the tiny room: I put a sedatives in there. I didnt know you liked to party, Lazarus. I dont. Wait so are you trying to fuck me? Cause Ive played for the Yankees before. You dont have to slipp me a Mickey Mantle to get me to-- Jesus, Im not trying to have sex- Hey, dont take the lords name in vain. You should be asleep by now? Were you listening to anything I said? I used to party with Robert Downey Jr. Before he was miserable and sober Swait If youre not trying to get a quick one from me, then what is this? Salvation. For the human race. Charlie tried getting up but he tripped over and fell into Lazarus arms. Lazarus looked into Charlies eyes. Youre a good man, Charlie. I can see that. But youre lost. A lost soul, wandering this wasteland look-

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ing for an answer Charlie tried talking, but his mouth grew swollen and full of fleshy marbles. He couldnt form any actual words. Close your eyes. God will save you now. Charlie fell into a black hole where time stood still and no dreams entered his mind. He drifted off until Lazarus eyes were nothing but black orbs floating miles above him. A cold metallic sensation woke Charlie up. He screamed and shivered from the touch of the metal table on his naked body. He tried getting up, but his body and his head were strapped down to the table. All

gloves that squeaked with every movement. the fucks going on? God is saving you, Charlie. Hes giving you a greater purpose. Saving me from what? From the Devil. Is this because Im an atheist? It has nothing to do with your faith. Just mine. Look, Ill do whatever you want, man. You want me to join your church? Ill do it! I can become Christian just dont hurt me! Please, Charlie. This has nothing to do with you or me. This is about what God wants.

THE SUN REACHED DOWN AND PICKED LAZARUS UP WITH GOLDEN ARMS THAT SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE.
that he could see was a bright light bulb hanging over his head, illuminating the cracked yellow ceiling. Lazarus! Lazarus! His nose picked up on the foulest scent he had ever taken a whiff of. It was worse than any trashcan he ever had to dig through. Worse than any damp alley hed ever wake up in, even the ones where hed wake up to find a dead body that was dumped beside him in the middle of the night. Whatever it was in the room smelled of rotting eggs left out in the desert over carcasses of wild half-eaten animals. It reeked of a stench beyond death, if such a thing were even possible. Charlie could hear sticky footsteps approaching the table. He rolled his eyes back and could just barely make out Lazarus hovering above him. He was in a black leather apron that had dark brown stains. Lazarus was holding a scalpel in his hand with blue rubber How do you know what he wants?! Because He has spoken to me. Lazarus walked away into the darkness. Please, dont hurt me Ill leave you guys alone. I swear. I wont ask for another cent! Lazarus wanted to rationalize the situation, but he couldnt. Lazarus was going to cut open his body. He wasnt doing it to inflict pain on Charlie. He was given an order from God and he felt that if he didnt listen to God, he would be like the rest of the squandering hypocrites who buy their way into heaven. Lazarus eyes swelled up with tears as he looked at Charlie. He felt pity for him. He felt remorse for what he was about to do. God said he would feel agony and hesitance, just as his Son did when he asked him to make his sacrifice. Even if he had explained his dream to Charlie and the voices, it wouldnt change the fact that Char-

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lie would have to die in order to be saved. But in the dream, everything made sense. Lazarus remembered going to sleep and waking up as a child. He was in his own adult body, but in his mind he was a scared boy surrounded by tall oak trees and grass that was up to his knees. He didnt know where he was, but he knew it was a sacred place. He remembered the fig tree that was in bloom. He wanted to eat one, but somehow he knew not to disturb the tree. The sun was brighter than it had ever been and Lazarus kept looking up at it. He was able to directly into the light without damaging his eyes. He raised his arms to touch it. The Sun reached down and picked Lazarus up with golden arms that spread like wildfire. As Lazarus was drawn closer to the Sun, he realized it was a woman, sitting with her legs crossed with the light creating a perfect circle around her body. Without hesitation, he knew this giant woman was God. It placed him on his lap and began speaking softly as if every word was a part of a grand symphony. It told him what he had to do through song. An orchestra of instructions was intravenously fed into his feeble mind. To comfort him, God let Lazarus suckle its breast. It looked into his saucer like eyes as it sang to him. The Son of God, Jesus Christ, is going to be reborn, but not in the way it was written in the Gospels. Christ needs a body, a vessel made up of the meek, of the hungry, of the poor. He needs it to come back and fight the final battle against the Great Evil that has already infiltrated our world. Lazarus understood as God showed him the images of the Damned who walked amongst the children and lost disciples of the Lord. They smelled of rotting meat and had eyes as empty as husks of corn. Everything was fed to Lazarus from the milk of Gods breast. The liquid information flowed a divine intelligence Lazarus had never felt before or since. The mission was going to demand a great deal of him and his faith. He was going to have to kill seven lost souls in the name of God, but their reward was salvation in heaven. These seven bodies would create the Holy Vessel of Jesus Christ. Once the body was complete, Jesus would rise from the ashes of the meek to take part in the final

battle against the Devil. Lazarus was the only one who could carry out this mission, and if he refused, the entire salvation of the human race would be lost. Lazarus saw mankind drown in an ocean of blood that would drown them all in an eternal fire of damnation. If he refused this mission, if he wasnt steady on his path, then he alone would be responsible for the destruction of the human race. Lazaruss hesitation slowly slipped away as he stared at Charlie. His mission was about to be over. Charlie was the final piece of the puzzle: the seventh body. Once he changed Charlie from an ordinary man to a divine being, his work for the Lord would be complete. He grabbed a piece of tape and cut it. He placed it over Charlies mouth who began crying: Please, Ill be good! Ill worship God! Oh please! I want to see the light! Lazarus placed the tape over his mouth. He looked down at Charlie with tears in his eyes and spoke, You may lie to me, but you cant lie to God. This is the only way that you will be saved. Lazarus looked up from Charlie to the back of the room where he saw a line of his followers standing against the wall, watching. There were parents, teenagers and children, witnessing the final sacrifice to a new beginning. They all believed Lazarus dream was real because he was the most righteous man they had ever known. He had converted so many people that there was no way he could be wrong. They never saw an ounce of sin in his body. His every word was guided by Gods voice. His every gesture was an act of charity. Three of the children began to cry intermittently through the ceremony. Their parents whispered in their ears and held onto their shoulders to comfort them. Its okay to cry. A mother said as she put her weight on her son. The parents looked at Lazarus and nodded their heads. The children wiped away their tears and forced themselves to watch. It was okay now, they thought. This was the beginning of the last miracle. Lazarus looked down at Charlie and brought the scalpel to his throat. He would let Charlie bleed out before he would remove his head. Lazarus dug the scal-

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pel into the flesh and Charlie let out a gargled scream through the duct tape. The children covered their ears, but they saw the blood pour out and trickle down the metal table onto the floor. Even after the six other sacrifices, the children couldnt get used to the screams. It was the screams that haunted them in their dreams. The parents watched in disgust and awe. Finally, one of the teenagers began humming and then sang a hymn, Be still, my soul the Lord is on thy side... Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain...Leave to thy God to order and provideIn every change, He faithful will remain Charlie knew he was dying. He could feel the room getting darker, his vision blurring. The room was bathed in the color red, as if the blood flowing from his throat washed over his eyes. The odd thing was that it didnt hurt. This surprised Charlie the most. He was struggling to breathe, struggling to remember every little detail of his stupid, wasted life. He tried remembering the face of his ex-wife, but she was coming up as a blur. And finally, he began thinking of his mother, who he hadnt thought of in years. He could see her face, smiling at him, as if he was still a child who hadnt wrecked his life beyond repair. Somehow, this reassured Charlie as he bled out. He knew it was only in his mind, but he felt that his mother was really there with him, holding his hand. Maybe this was God, he thought. The rest of the followers began chanting as well as they continued to watch Lazarus perform his last sacrifice. Lazarus shed tears as he saw the life disappear from Charlies eyes. No matter how many times he had committed murder, even with God on his side, hed feel a pang of guilt bury itself in his heart like a dull dagger. He grabbed his surgical bone-cutting saw, which was donated by Dr. William Chang who stood and watched with his wife Brigitte. Lazarus powered the saw and cut through Charlies flesh, splashing his blood across the room, at the feet of the followers. The saw slashed through the fatty meat like raw turkey right down to the snapping white cartilage. It was all for the best Lazarus kept repeating to himself. It had to be, they all thought. This was Gods will. The saw finally cut through the spinal column and scraped its teeth against the metallic table. The deepest silence was born amongst the followers. Lazarus looked down at Charlies freed head and then gazed at its new body. It lied across the room on another metallic table. It was decomposing and brown in certain spots and purple in others. It resembled a soggy jigsaw puzzle of meat that was stitched together. It was divided in six sections: two arms, two legs, the torso, and a penis. The skin color of each section never quite matched the one beside it. Lazarus picked up Charlies head and carried it to its new owner. He carefully placed Charlies head onto the severed neck of the dismembered torso. He grabbed a thin plastic thread, which was tied to a sewing needle. Lazarus held the needle up to the eyes of his followers. Dr. William Chang was in tears. Through the eye of the needle, we shall go forth The time of His return is upon us, and we must clear the path for our Lord. The path will be treacherous, it will be full of thorns and self-doubt and pain and anguish and will break us until were not even sure what to believe in anymore. But know this God is real. And he is very, very angry. Weve let the garden spoil and now Hes delivering a just wrath to silence the sinners and baptize the world with fire. Where will you stand my brothers, my sisters, when God judges us all? Out there, in the land of the dark with the lost souls, or in here where the light shines brightest? Lazarus didnt wait for an answer. He stuck the needle through the skin of the throat. He already knew exactly where they stood. At his side, forever. By the time the last thread tightened the head and torso together, Lazarus felt the celestial body spasm. It had never done that prior to that moment. Lazarus wasnt sure if anybody else had seen it. It was only when the body moved its finger for the very first time that everyone in the room had finally silenced the ghost of their doubt.

DogGodReligion
Photography by Matthew Romasanta

One More Sunday

Jonathan Sheppard

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Let me borrow two hundred bucks David? aridly asked Jonny. Sure brother, here. David handed him eight twenties, two tens, and four five-dollar bills. All of the cash he had in his wallet, one hundred twenty-dollars of which was from Jonny. He had won a trick shot bet earlier at the pool hall. Ill see you both tonight. Yeah Jonny well see you. Make sure youre at the airport on time, responded Amanda. Jonny, David and Amanda had been celebrating an anniversary and they were going to continue celebrating later that night in their hometown of Seattle, Washington. The occasion was somber as it had always been. The fourth to their trio had been dead for ten years on this particular Sunday morning. Jonny and his two friends were in a cab heading south on Chicago Street. Right here. Stop right here. Right in front, Jonny told the driver. The cab driver stopped in front of Saint Marys Church. I cant believe its been ten fucking years man. Ten yearsI still feel seventeen. I havent matured one-fucking-bit since then. Admitted Jonny. Those are the truest words you have ever spoke. David commented smugly. Just dont be late Jonny. Get to the fucking airport. Calm the Hell down. Ill be there, David. Fuck Jonny then sighed. I said Ill see you both tonight and I will. Ive never missed this night. Why do you have to do this, why are you going to this church? Stay in the cab. We can wait for you to pack then we can head to the airport together. Amanda urged. Your flight is three hours before mine This is for Stasee. I feel like I have to do this. I think itll help me and I think it will help her too. Well good luck, man. Yeah, good luck Jonny. I know its been awhile. David wished as the cabs door slams. His longtime best friends remained in the yellow

taxi, which made a U-turn and headed west down Fourth Street to their downtown Los Angeles hotel. It had been quite a long time since Jonny had been to Sunday morning service. He wasnt religious and thats why he wasnt an atheist. God sort of existed to him but he would always qualify his belief by saying, If my God exists then shes evil as fuck! Never definitively declaring that there is a God, being, or plain of existence greater than this earth, in the United States of America, state of California, city of Los Angeles, neighborhood of Boyle Heights, on Chicago Street standing in front of Saint Marys Church. He would simply admit to the existence of the idea. If God does exist then how does humanity absolve terror and horror? How do people forgive malevolence and malignance and its motives? Prayer? Confession? Do you believe in a God that created everything? Look at all that she has created. Look at everything. Not just the fucking flowers and the kittens and all of the pretty shit. Look at the gritty shit. Jonny didnt understand prayer or confession or how religious people found it good for their souls. He liked to yell and scream, cry and fight. He was violent in his catharsis, he purged not through prayer but with visceral feats, self-mutilating actions against his body and his mind. He only understood how he perceived the universe and knew that there is no being that is All Good, indomitably benevolent. Jonny also understood that what was true for him most likely wasnt true for anyone else. He also thought most people were imbecilic something he also knew he was. If you disregard the inconvenience of funerals; friends deaths, the death of relatives, friends of relatives, relatives of relatives, people he had never seen before but attended their wake because a friend needed his support, people he had no connection to at all, watching every casket close vapidly, unable to assess the weight of death because the lifeless body in the casket didnt, Jonny had not been inside of a church for eleven years. If not for funerals and an inability to ignore death, Jonny would never step foot in a church. I would probably burn this church to the ground

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THE TONE OF THAT MORNING WAS OF ANOTHER FUNERAL. JONNYS DISPOSITION WAS GLUM AND GLOOMY, SULLEN, IT TRITELY MIRRORED THE FOGGY AND GREY BOYLE HEIGHTS OVERCAST.
if your cousin wasnt lying in that casket. Jonny said to his friend Willie after a car hit Willies cousin on whilst on his motorcycle. It feels weird in here. He felt obligated to pay his respects to the dead. The lives led and listen to a priest and the deceased family taut the life of the poor sap in the casket. Knowing that the person dead, most often, had lived the life of an asshole. Jonnys first Sunday morning service in eleven years because he had refused to listen to a priest exude Christs lessons and preach the benefits of God all-thewhile almost completely absolving human indecency especially, the unseemliness that resides behind the walls of the Catholic Church. The practice of Christianity that was prevalent during his youth. You can steal your moms car and drive it to your grandmas house to rape her butt and as long as you repent, youre forgiven? Thats bullshit! Jonny never wanted to hear ever again how God and Jesus and her Spirit could only do good in your life and only make you do good. At first it was a conscious decision not to attend church. By the time he finished high school he forgot that he used to be in church at least once a week since birth. It wasnt a habit he had developed, not to attend, but he also had stayed in bed until at least three in the afternoon every Sunday morning since Stasees death. He became an every Saturday night social drinker the year before; an every night drinker currently. Refusing to attend church a year earlier because of what was happening to Stasee there. Nice black slacks, a nice white and black striped blouse, black suspenders, and a double Winsor knot in his solid black wrinkled and beer stained tie, looking as if he just came from a wild wedding reception. Despite his ruffled clothing and distraught disposition Jonny still looked dapper, much more desirable than his typically grungy attire. The tone of that morning was of another funeral. Jonnys disposition glum and gloomy tritely mirrored the foggy and grey Boyle Heights morning. His eyes were a crimson red, like blood stains after they set in bright cloth. He smelled of all the tenants of a bar in the nineteen nineties before they banned cigarettes; tobacco smoke, alcohol and desperation. Jonny would never dress well for church; church would never be worth the occasion. The night before Jonnys daunting visit, Amanda, David and Jonny did what they did every anniversary of Stasees death. They would drink until they could forget that she was dead. They could never forget so they never stopped drinking. Another Saturday night and La Gonzales State Street Billiards had once again taken all of Jonnys money. Only this night Margarita and Luis the owners allowed them to stay and drink passed recognition of California liquor laws. Margarita called a cab for them at 7:45 in the morning. Although, Amanda and David had a strong affinity for Stasee they obviously loved her and knew that it was impossible to quantify their love for her. Jonny loved Stasee unwillingly. It pained him to love her even when she was alive. He had always loved her and always understood that he could never-not love a person as entrancing as she. And in the ten years since she passed he still possessed the same adulation and yearning. She was his best friend, a woman who he would love his entire life regardless of girlfriend, wife or mistress. Jonny would only ditch his stained and ripped denim shorts faded black t-shirts, and skullcaps for Stasee. All of those funerals and she was the

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only occasion. This is for you, Jonny whispered to himself upon entering the church. The pews were a dark brown oak covered with blue cushions that also matched the carpet. The sanctuary was dimly lit, illuminated by the suns rays trying desperately to reach the praying saints on the sanctuarys stained glass windows. The room smelled of perfume and cologne as if God mandated that the church parishioners smelled like flowers and dress just as colorful. All which became very sensitive to Jonnys sleepless and inebriated senses. It was about 8:15 in the morning and the congregation at Saint Marys church was greeting and situating themselves, anxiously awaiting the priest to address them. Jonny sat down in the last pew of the middle section and put his head in his hands. He sat remembering despite his earlier attempts to paralyze his memory. He was still forlorn and sorrowful because he should have never had to dress nicely. He hated it. He wanted to tear off his clothing and burn them then and there. He kept her with him everyday but on the anniversary of her death it was the day she jumped off of the Aurora Bridge all over again. Stasee jumping off that bridge wanting to die, sure that her life had to be over. Forgetting her best friends and Jonny and her mother and her sisters and her baby brother and her future. Not understanding that she was apart of them like they were a part of her. Taking her life simply because it was hers and if that sick nun didnt want it she didnt want it either. Stasee left a suicide note. She left it in Jonnys bedroom the night before she left forever. They were 17 year olds up late watching their favorite movie, Boogie Nights in Jonnys bedroom. Jonnys mother loved Stasee and Stasee parents Jonny. Since they were young kids in Ms. Gardeners kindergarten class or Mr. Gomes 7th grade science class or Mrs. Chavez English class their sophomore year of high school. They would spend the night at each others homes. They ate lunch together and walked each other home from school. They went camping and drank their first beer together. At 15 they got drunk for the first time together. Stasee even tried out for the football team with Jonny until one day he had to go up against Stasee in tackling drills. They both walked away and never returned to the football field. They even watched pornography and sports and smoked their first joint together. They both loved film. I love you Jonny. Youre going to be a beautiful

man. She said to Jonny right before William H. Macy kills his porn star wife played by real life porn star Nina Hartley. Youre going to be the most beautifulest woman. I cant wait to see where well be in ten years. Jonny reciprocated as William H. Macy walks despondent from the bedroom and puts the gun to his own mouth. To Jonny, Stasee already was the most beautiful woman on the planet. He didnt find the letter until he came home from the hospital that Monday morning. Stasee had placed in-between the pages of their eighth grade yearbook from Tilamook Middle School, which they had been looking through earlier that week. Jonny never told anyone she wrote one, in fact he destroyed it the day of her wake. But he remembered the letter, every dreadful word. The priest had not yet begun his sermon. Jonny was nervously scanning the congregation, searching for his girlfriend. Also, he had to note where the ushers were stationed so he knew when he could take a swig from his flask. Which he discovered in the front left pocket of his pants getting out of the cab. Esther attended mass most Sundays and never bothered to invite Jonny because it was difficult to wake him up and because she didnt want to hear any of his demonizing protests of the Catholic Church and of religion in general. They only want your to control your money and control what you do so they can control more of your money, is what Jonny would say to Esther half sleep. Why is your church the nicest fucking building in the neighborhood? It looks better than the damn hospital for fuck sakes and twenty times better than the damn high school. His favorite line. When he said that Esther scurried out of the apartment quickly because she knew she wasnt going to shut him up for at least 45 minutes. Shed leave then Jonny would fall back asleep and remain asleep until she returned home. Bienvenidos al la gente! Dios a hecho otro da hermoso! the priest began his sermon. Dios es gran, verdad? Quiero hablar con ustedes acerca del perdn. El perdn de Dios. Y como pudieran obtener su perdon? Sin importar el delito la vergenza que pueden ser redimidos. Todo lo que tienen que hacer es arrepentirse y hacer uso de su alma a nuestro gran Dios

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Jonny sat in quiet respite, still in back of the sanctuary head in his hands mourning what he was about to do, what he was about to say in this dreaded holy place. He knew that Stasee would disapprove because she was non-confrontational and a sweetheart, Jonnys antithesis. She understood and she believed in God and Gods promises. She loved the church and was thoroughly involved in coordinating events for the teens in the congregation, many of them she had known since grade school at Tiffany Lake; Jonny, David and Amanda her closest friends since then. Jonny would soon discover why Stasee loved church and loved staying after service to help the nuns, who always seemed to insist that she do so. The priest continued En Mateo dice, Porque si perdonis a los hombres sus ofensas, vuestro Padre celestial os perdonar a vosotros. Pero si no perdonis a los hombres sus ofensas, tampoco vuestro Padre os perdonar vuestras ofensas. Versculo 6. Jonny still sitting in the back of the sanctuary head down and spinning, feeling a bit nauseous from all of the drinks he had had last night and this morning sick from another anniversary, needless commemoration. He had only eaten two tacos since David and Amanda came into town and Margarita at La Gonzales Billiards forced him to eat them. Est plido, Jonathan. Coma hijo! She told him. He tried to shut out the priests words but couldnt help but absorb all that he was preaching. He listened and groaned at every piercing and seething word drawing mild attention for the patrons seated in the back row pews. Crean en el perdn de Dios. Sin embargo, algunas personas se niegan a perdonar a s mismos. Dios no puede perdonar si no perdonan a s mismo. Juan dice: Si confesamos nuestros pecados, l es fiel y justo para perdonar nuestros pecados, y limpiarnos de toda maldad. Versculo 1. Confiese sus pecados y perdonar a s mismo y luego nuestro maravilloso Dios te perdonar tambin The night before Jonny, David and Amanda had frequented La Gonzales State Street Billiards on First Street and State. It was Jonnys favorite hang out in the neighborhood because he could play pool and they had cheap drinks, $2.50 per beer. As Jonny told it to all of his friends who he persuaded to the brightly lit, foggy from cigarette smoke, dank, cash only Paisa bar, You can get 2 beers for 5 bucks! David and Amanda didnt mind where they were going they just wanted to get blitzed for as cheap as possible. It was their final night in Los Angeles before they flew back to Seattle and drinking with Jonny wasnt cheap no matter the price of the beer. They had already gone over their spending budget for the trip. 8 ball side pocket, bitch, confidently chided Jonny as the pool cue glided smoothly between the backside of his left palm and thumb. You missed! You fucking suck, dick head. said Amanda as she lined up her next shot. Count how many balls you have left on the table. Youre trash Mandy. Yeah, one more than you have baby nuts. Amanda made her next two shots, she was stripes. I let you catch up. Youre not making this shit! Off the wall, 8 ball corner pocket. Amanda walks around the table to ensure she has the angles to make the mildly difficult shot. Yeah fucking right. Youre not making that shit. Hurry up and shoot! The cue ball bounced of the right wall and hit the 8 Ball, which was about seven inches from the left corner pocket. She made it and it looked easy. You lose again Jonny. You fucking loser, another round on you. You mother fuckers are doctors and I always have to pay. Fuck you two. You arent ever going to drive my Ferrari. Now Jonny thats not nice. We let you drive ours last week Broke asshole. Go get us our drinks, said David as he gave Amanda a celebratory kiss. Neither of them had a Ferrari. Next time Im going to come pick you two up from the airport on my handle bars. Dont fuck with me. Ill be right back, I have to take a piss. Jonny threw his pool cue on the table and headed towards the restroom. When he entered he saw an older man about retirement age, about 57, darker complexion, wearing a pair of Lee jeans and a snakeskin belt. He had placed his Tejana on the paper towel dispenser and began doing lines of coke that he had already cut off of the restroom sink with a short straw. Nothing wrong with a little nose candy, boldly admitted Jonny. The man looked at Jonny through the mirror as Jonny unzipped his pants in front of the lone urinal in the bathroom. The door had been taken off of the stall

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of the only toilet. When he went to wash his hands the man was putting a small pouch of presumably cocaine and straw into the left pocket of his shirt. Es verdad. Nothing wrong with a little nose candy. If you or your friends necesitas. Yo tengo. Im at the bar. The man patted Jonny on his back then walked out of the bathroom. Jonny washed his hands and then dried them on his Calvin Klein slacks and headed straight to the bar to buy another round for David and Amanda and himself. Otra ronda, bonita. Tres botellas de Negra Modelo Si, mijo. Limn, verdad? Dos con limn. Yo no quiero. Gracias Margarita. The bartender knew Jonny well. He was one of her many regulars and stood out more than most because he was the youngest. Most of the patrons who frequented were older men and woman who just wanted cheap beer and a place wear they could smoke their cigarettes and cigars indoors or they were Cholos and Cholas who had lived through the gang wars of the nineteen nineties. Jonnys generation usually hung out downtown or at the new dive bar across the street from the billiards. She was an older woman, about 66 years old from a small town in Nayarit, Mxico. Magarita and her husband Luis had owned La Gonzales Billiards since 1984. Here you go clowns. Lets go again Amanda. You keep getting fucking lucky! I swear. Remarked Jonny as he sipped his beer. I want to play against David now. Im tired of kicking your ass. I play winner then. Duh Jonny. Cocksucker. Jonny downed the rest of his beer and placed it on top of the pyramid of beer bottles that the three of them had manufactured. At the base was ten Modelo and Negra Modelo bottles, Jonny added the sixth beer to the third row as Margarita walked over with a bottle of Tequila, three shots already poured. Disfrutan nios. Gracias Margarita, Gracias. Hey Amanda, David? Take a shot with me. David made a toast, To Stasee. The most beautiful person well ever know. They clapped their shot glasses together, pounded

them on the pool tables pine and then down the hatch. That was fucking harsh! They serve hard liquor here? What time does this dump close? inquired David. Mam Lucia tequila. So fucking good. She only serves it to her regulars. Its from her hometown in Mxico. And the doors close at two in the morning. Hey man, this is my bar dont be talking shit. And come on and break already. Jesus Fucking H Christ. Jonnys head was still down in the back of the church. But instead of his hands supporting his head he had his hands over his ears as if each syllable was an incendiary grenade designed specifically to destroy how he thought. The priest recurrently, Y cuando estis orando, si tienen algo contra alguien, perdnalo, por lo que su Padre que est en los cielos os perdone a vosotros vuestras ofensas. Purple, side pocket. Jonny was on his game now. He was once again playing Amanda who had beaten David. David was at the bar purchasing another round. Blue ball, corner pocket... Jonny continued to clear the table. Amanda stood there pool cue in her right hand and beer in the other. You only have one ball and its blue! You just have it bad all around dont you Jonny. Amanda slapped him on his back firmly as he went to take the shot. As Jonny missed, Do you still remember Stasees favorite poem, Jonny? When she was upset she would recite it to herself. I remember the first time I caught her whispering it under her breath. We were running for the school bus the same day her lizard, Arthur, had died. She wanted to stay home from school desperately but her parents wouldnt let her because it was just a lizard. At least thats what she had come to understand. That was their way of consoling her, diminishing its importance. Youre going to learn that a lizard is only a lizard. They would tell her. But she disagreed. She knew it wasnt and was inconsolable. She loved that lizard and its death couldnt be understood. The bus had already left and I remember Stasee whispering it to herself, tears swelling in her already swollen eyes; All is well in life Ill see. Im above ground and I can breathe. Trials cant last forever. Or nothing could be defined clever.

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Apart of life trials must become. Dont let sadness make you numb. She then ran as fast as she could to the next bus stop. The bus driver noticed her determination and waited at the next stop for her. I was not too far behind and we made it to school on time. She was an incredible girl. Fuck I miss her. Yeah, I remember that poem And you know what? Fuck that fucking poem! I love her but fuck that fucking poem! I fucking hate it. Fuck her and that fucking poem. Dont let sadness make you numb? I cant help it! Her stupid ass gave up on life and for what? What the fuck! Fuck her! Fuck this fucking day! Im tired of it! We shouldnt be celebrating this shit at ass. You need to calm the fuck down. This is a fucking celebration. It always has been. But this is the day of herwhatever David. Youre fucking right Amanda is right too. Go get her please tell her to come back in. Im sorry. Im very fucking sorry. Come back and drink. Come on. This is a fucking celebration. Im sorry. I still dont know how to deal with this shit. Its still fucking hard man. I miss her. I miss her a-whole-fucking-lot, everyday. We miss her everyday too. So does her mother and sisters and baby brother. It is fucking hard for all of us. You fucking know it is. Thats why we still celebrate this day and her birthday. We live for her everydamn-motherfucking day too, Jonny. This isnt about you being fucking angry with her. We all wish she were

YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL BUT YOU LET ALL OF THESE EXCUSES GET IN YOUR FUCKING WAY. YOU ALWAYS HAVE A FUCKING EXCUSE. STASEE LOVED US AND WE LOVED HER BUT STOP MOURNING HER LIFE.
all. She should fucking be here! excitedly and loudly confessed Jonny. He then he took a swig from the bottle Mam Lucias that was half empty. Whatever Jonny... Its your fucking shot. None of us can help it! Stop mourning her life and live yours. You have so much potential but you let all of these excuses get in your fucking way. You always have a fucking excuse. Stasee loved us and we loved her but stop mourning her life. Celebrate the fuck out of it Jonny! For God sakes you piece of fucking shit! Be angry with yourself. Dont ever be mad at her, ever! You dumb fuck! Amanda threw her pool cue on the table disorienting the game. Then she ran passed the narco, Margarita at the bar, and the three mariachis tuning their guitars and staring at the only television, crying. Damn she didnt have to start crying like a little bitch, Davey. Did she? Shut the fuck up Jonny before I kick your fucking still here. And if that perverted fuck didnt Let me go get Amanda. Please, just calm the fuck down and re-rack. Me and you are going to play. David was successful in getting Amanda to rejoin the trio at the table. Amanda Im sorry. I love you but Amanda interrupted, I understand Jonny. Its okay. I know. The bar closed their doors at 1:45 in the morning. Margarita was still serving drinks and talking to the narco as the three mariachis began to play Alma Enamorada on their guitars. Dont we have to leave Jonny? Dont the doors close at two? asked David. Not for us and not tonight. Game after game of pool until it just became a trick shot competition, shot after shot of Mam Lucia, two and a half bottles, and a second pyramid of Modelos. They even took the narco up on the offer he had made

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to Jonny earlier in the restroom. Story after story about Stasee and her heart and who she was and who should could have been filled the morning with her intelligence and her ingenuity and determination. All things that the group was incapable of after all of the drinking they had done. That night weighed upon Jonny, mourning his friends death and mourning what he was about to do. Wondering if Esther and her mother were in the congregation. Hoping he got to say everything he wanted to say before he was tackled and rushed out of the sanctuary by the ushers. Regardless, Jonny was still going to do what he came to Saint Marys church that Sunday morning to do. Jonny drank from the flask. Loudly the priest exclaimed, Hechos versculo 3: Arrepentdos, pues, y se recomienden a Dios, para que vuestros pecados sean borrados, que tiempos de refrigerio vengan de parte del Seor. Admitan sus errores y seran perdonados. Admit your wrongs! Jonny yelled from the back of the sanctuary. Quien esta hablando? inquired the priest. Que han dicho? Admit your wrongs! Jonny yelled again as he stood up and walked into the aisle. You fucking assholes! You moral monsters. You deplorable pieces of human shit! Admit that youre wrong! You dont believe what you say. The two ushers in the back of the church and two ushers from the sides rushed towards Jonny. Paren! The priest ordered of the ushers. Que hable, est bien. You better let me speak you piece of shit! Youve been speaking this bullshit for centuries. Let someone else have a turn. The church. The purveyor of all morality. How could you let her do that to her? Your vow of celibacy is a crock and my dead friends abused pussy is evidence of that. Why does your doctrine allow for that to happen to someone so beautiful, so pure, so perfect? Why are you charged with administering faith? Who the fuck is God to allow that to

happen? She believed in Gods word. She believed that Sister Sarah was showing her who she was. But she was only using her! To absolve her own sexual frustration. Your denial of Gods nature. An evil woman spawned in this dark sadistic place you call a sanctuary for holiness and peace. You deplorable, despicable, lying sacks of shit! You awful mother Shut the fuck up Jonathan! Cllate! yelled a voice from the congregation. It was Jonnys girlfriend Esther. Esther you shut the fuck up! I already told you about coming to this damned building. Shut the fuck up! Priest, your God molested my best friend and then killed her. Despite her devotion to her fallacy, despite an unrelenting and unwavering belief in the lies she tells you to spew. She killed her. She let that demoness devour her pussy and forced her to take the cock of a devilish priest. A priest in a robe just like yours. Lauding those same words of forgiveness. You are her crooked messenger. You shall burn for your betrayal of humanity and decencyfor your manipulation Jonathan te voy a chingar! Cllate, Jonathan! Ests en la iglesia! pleaded Esther. And she loved it and she loved you. She made her cum and blessed her and made her feel better than she ever could feel and then she killed her. Why did she do that? Why did God kill her? Why Stasee love her and you? You arent shit! Fuck you! Fuck this church and fuck God! Fuck that dyke nun and fuck that depraved priest! God doesnt believe in forgiveness! God hates us all thats why he makes dumb asses like you all sit here on Sundays and listen to this bull shit! God is a pervert and a scam artist. She tells you what not to do and then abuses the lives of the youth. Fuck her! Stupid fucking cunt of a God! Jonny was then hit in the head with a Bible. Esther also threw one of her high hells at him. Sal de aqu ahora! Esther had then ran from her seat at the front of the church towards Jonny and pushed him towards the cathedral doors. Not before slapping him in the face several times. Get the fuck out of here Jonathan! Right now and

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Im not playing around. Vamos puto! Esther attempted to contain Jonny as he continued to yell at the priest. God doesnt love us. God doesnt love you. He hates you! You suck the cocks of little fucking boys, you sell them hope then you rape little girls, you vile piece of garbage! You lick their little pussies. You supreme sodomite! You will never be forgiven! Fuck God! Fuck her promises and her pretention. She cant exist if she let you fucking assholes rule over her word. Unless that was her plan. To molest the world into believing her. Jonathan get the fuck out of here, right now. Please Jonathan? Dont make me fuck you up in front of the church and my mom and you know I will. I know youre upset and I know what today is but go home and go get ready. Get the fuck out here! Youre embarrassing yourself. Vives aqui! Estos son sus vecinos. Fuck God and fuck you, fuck all of you who listen and accept and believe and live this bullshit! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you and fuck God! Fuck her! Those were Jonnys final words inside of the church as Esther pushed him to the Chicago street curb. Que estas haciendo? Eres estpido o que? I know that you miss your friend and thats something I wont understand but you have to handle it better. Dont come to my church talking that bullshit. I accept it. I love you for how you think but she died. El sacerdote que mat a tu amigo fue put in prison. Hes gone. No ms. So is that nun. They werent transferred they were put in prison. Theyve been punished. Dios no es responsable. It was them. Fuck you Esther. Im out of here. FUCK GOD! THAT FUCKING TRAITOR LYING PIECE OF SHIT! Stasee loved her and God betrayed her. Jonny then handed Esther the two hundred dollars that David had given to him an hour or so earlier. Give this to God for me. Tell her to kill herself. Ill call you when I get to the airport. Dame un beso estupido. Llamame. Esther ordered then she walked back into the church and as she

found her seat next to her mother the priest joking remarked, Hay un diablo en todos, verdad? Algunos ms que otros. Y nosotros lo perdonamos por interrumpir la Palabra de Dios. The congregation erupted in laughter. Jonny angrily walked home to his apartment on 4th Street and Saint Louis a block away from Saint Marys Church. Into apartment 18 he went, a studio, where he threw himself onto the king size bed that took up more than half of the apartments space. Head in his pillow he sobbed like Stasee when she lost her lizard, cried exactly like Stasee when she knew that Sister Sarah couldnt see her after service anymore, when Priest McCarthy was done using her. Jonny sobbed most like the moment he heard that Stasee had jumped off of the Aurora Bridge. Jonnys tears eventually turned into snores, as he was exhausted from the weekend. He hadnt slept much since Thursday, the day that David and Amanda had flown into LAX. Luckily, David and Amanda knew Jonny well enough to make sure that they set the alarm on his iPhone to 3:00 in the afternoon. Jonnys flight to Seattle left at 6:50 that evening. Jonny sat in the airport despondent awaiting his flight anxiously he awaited boarding so he could continue sleeping on the plane. The night and the morning and Saint Marys Church and even how he got to the airport were a blur. He forgot that he made the taxi driver pull over on the Fourth Street Bridge so he could puke into the Los Angeles River. He forgot not tipping the congenial, tolerant, and amiable taxi driver. He forgot that he alienated just about everyone on his block. He just remembered Stasee. David and Amanda picked him up from Sea-Tac Airport and they drove straight to the Aurora Bridge. They already knew what was on each others minds so instinctively none of them spoke. Until Jonny broke the silence, If there is a heaven... Stasee is there. They sat there quietly for the rest of the night.

RELIGION
two sides
In this debate, two EB contributers argue over the nature of religion by answering the following questions...

WHAT IS RELIGION?
WHAT IS THE FUNCTION OF RELIGION?

CAN WE EXIST WITHOUT RELIGION?

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Michael Lorenzo Porter

hat is religion, what is its function in todays world and would it be possible for the world as we know it to exist without it? First things first, what is religion and why is it so polarizing a suject today? Its a divider, a business, a set or practices, something people avoid talking about and its often a taboo subject that an break up happy relationships and make family turn on family. The dictionary defines religion as follows; the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, esp. a personal God or gods. All of the above things are true to some extent and false to another. So where does that leave us? Well, quite honestly all that I can really speak about with 100% certainty is what religion means to me. Religion, from an early age was really something that felt more like a chore than anything else. It was something my mother and grandmother forced me into and something that I had very little choice in. In fact, a lot of my earliest memories are of nodding off at church and then being repremanded for doing so. To me, and I think the only definition I can give is my own, its just a system set up to reinforce a set of beliefs that applied to the way life was centuries ago. Many things taught in the bible simply do not apply to life in 2013. The fact that people pick and choose

which parts of the book to follow speaks volumes as to its uselessness in todays world where ideas that bring people together are what we need more than ever. Will this world ever exist without war and killing? Probably not but religion sure doesnt help to curb the situation. In parts of the middle east tensions remain high between Palestinians and Israelis. Religion might not truly be an evil, but it is often used to perform evil acts. Even with the conflict and turmoil that religion or better yet, the misuse of religion brings about, I am not certain that John Lennon was right when he wished for a world without it. For every suicide bombing and jihad attack, countless acts of kindness go unseen and they are usually done without without much fanfare? Do I think that without a belief in a higher power people would simply not be nice to one another or that without religion the world would be free from death and despair? Of course not. Turn on the television. What do you see? Bus blown up in (fill in the blank with a major city name). Religious extremists thought to be behind the attack. Its at the forefront of the nightly newscast and the grandmother who took in the family of three who had nowhere else to go isnt front page news because it doesnt scare or promote an agenda. I think ultimately it is on the shoulders of the individual to decide what is best for them when it comes to GOD, spirituality and their belief system as it pertains to their actions while here on this planet. Evil doers will always find an excuse to do evil and the same goes for kinder soul who wish to help those in need.

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Patty Delgado

What is religion? Religion is not an entity, an ideology, a tool, a drug, sickness or belief in a god or gods. It is a neutral term that describes a human experience. Many have defined, and continue to define religion as ones concern with the supernatural and divine. Contrary to this false definition, religion is not about the supernatural and otherworldly, but rather it is about humans and everyday life. It is difficult and perhaps even futile to define a term whose definition is informed by ones own human experiences.

The definition of the term religion is constructed via ones own arbitrary framework of what they constitute as religious. Similar to religion, how does one define love? Or pain? Or Happiness? Such terms are easily identifiable by those who experience them, but not all share the same definitions, experiences, or expressions of such abstract concepts. Thus, what a Born-again Evangelist defines as religion, may highly differ from what a Mormon Elder, Vodou Priestess, or Wiccan Witch consider religion, for they each express religiosity in an assortment of ways.

RELIGION IS A TERM THAT DESCRIBES HOW WE OPERATE IN RELATION TO OURSELVES, AS WELL AS HOW WE MANAGE ISSUES OF SELFIDENTITY...

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Therefore, ones attempt to define religion is frivolous. In furthering this argument, how is a nonotheistic tradition like Buddhism considered religion? There is no central god or divinity within Buddhism. Buddhism defies a majority of religion definitions by simply not encompassing a god. Buddhism is essentially the antithesis to religionit lacks a central god or belief in a soul. Furthermore, Zen Buddhism rejects scriptureor any notion of written doctrineand a central governing institution. I ask you again, why is Buddhism considered a major world religion? Thus, classifying something as religion or religious is clearly an issue of semantics. Religion originates from the Latin word religare, meaning that which binds. Thus, religion describes a closeness, a connection, or a tie. Therefore, if Religion is a bond, then how is the bond between a Catholic lay person and Catholicism any different from the bond between an American and her country? How is the pledge of allegiance any different than an Our Father prayer? How are sacred texts like the US Constitution or Bill of Rights different than the Bible or Ten Commandments? How is the White House any different than the Vatican? How are Jesus Christs 12 disciples different from Americas founding fathers? Can adhering to Americas values, legal system, holidays, and history be a religion? This parallel between Roman Catholicism and Americanism thus reveals how arbitrary the standards for defining religion can be. Religion and that which is considered religious should not be limited to Eurocentric Judeo-Christian standards of monotheism and adherence to scripture. Rather, religion should be used to indicate recognized relationships, connections, and engagements between humans and their world. Despite its politically charged usage, religion is a neutral categorical term which denotes the ways in which humans relate to questions of everyday life. Religion is a term that describes how we operate in relation to ourselves, as well as how we manage issues of selfidentity, governance (on a macro and micro scale), and lifestyle. Examples of religion may include Atheism, Mexican Nationalism, Feminism, and Darwinian Evolution. What is the function of religion?

Religion has no function nor purpose. It simply exists as a product of human interaction. However, the term can function to describe human and superhuman experiences involving the mundane and extraordinary. Also, these experiences/functions vary amongst human, organization, and culture. What functions as religious in Thailand, may not constitute/function as religious in Rome. Can we exist without religion? Absolutely not. Religious behavior is the core of human interaction and history. It is through religion that we have established legal institutions, sacred texts, art, culture, familial values, monetary systems, and infrastructure. Asking for a society to exist without religion is to ask a nation to live without culture. Though religion is seen as a concern with the otherwordly, it is quite the contrary. Religion is concerned with the past, present, and future. It is the crux of humanity- believers and non-believers alike.Though the most staunch Atheist can reject faith, she cannot deny that religion serves as a major element of everyyday life. Religion may be seen as a force that controls and destroys. Many would say that it has served as the catalyst for wars and conflicts of all sizes. However, religion has been also seen as a source of positive change and influence. The black civil rights movement of the 1960s would not have been possible without the help and organization of the AME (African Methodist Church). The motifs of Exodus, and plight from Egypt serves as major sources of influence and hope for Black slaves and disenfranchised African Americans. Sikh Gurdwaras feed all, despite race, creed, and class. The Tzu-Chi Foundation, a humanistic branch of Buddhism, continues to provide low-income communities throughout the world with healtcare services. Let us not forget, the Roman Catholic Church, considered to be the most dogmatic, righteous, and powerful religious instituion, has served as a safe haven for the undocumented. It has played, and continues to play a major force in the movement for immigrant rights. So, can we live without religion? I hope not.

Nicole Macias and Vladimir De Jesus Santos

On a typical Tuesday night, VICTORIA and LUCY gather at LUCYs house to gossip, mule over their weekends and work on their dream boards. VICTORIA So did you give him your number? LUCY Yeah I did. I gave him a blowjob on the ride home too. VICTORIA Gross, did you really? LUCY Whatever, he plays drums for Miserys Sadness, besides, I only sucked him off, its not like I fucked the guy. You gotta leave them with a teaser you know. VICTORIA Im almost certain we both have different ideas of what a good teaser is. LUCY Yeah? Whats your go-to move? I prefer the BJ, but Im open to ideas. VICTORIA Go-to move? Thats kind of personal... LUCY No way! I just told you I gave Brian Kitchenfire road head in his caddie, he loved it, they always do. VICTORIA Fine...well to be honest, I dont really have one Ive never really had the opportunity toLUCY This is unreal, you have to have a thing. Holy shit. Youre not a virgin are you? VICTORIA Its not obvious or anything, is it...? LUCY Well, yeah, now it all makes sense, youre a 21 year old prude! This is great, I can totally help you. I know a couple of guys, theyre really cool, theyll be gentle. VICTORIA Oh gross! I dont wanna lose my virginity to some guy you already hooked up with, besides, I dont need any help, thanks but really no thanks. LUCY Why are you waiting for the one, saving yourself for Mr. Right? Trust me, you definitely need my help. VICTORIA Anyway, you were talking about Miserys dick, the caddie, what did you end up wearing anyway? LUCY Oh! Just a basic black mini dress, nothing fancy, but I spruced it up with that

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necklace you have, you know, that short, cute, dangly one with the tear shaped gems? VICTORIA Tear shaped diamonds? Lucy, thats my great grandmothers necklace! The only one I said you couldnt borrow! LUCY Oh, I thought you were just kidding. Cmon were best friends its not like anythings off limits. Im still shocked about your virginity though, lets talk about that and not some boring necklace. VICTORIA No Lucy, Im being serious now! LUCY Youre always so serious, thats one of your problems, along with still being a virgin, youre 21 for Christs sake! VICTORIA Ugh, youre obnoxious, forget about my virginity! That boring old necklace is an important family heirloom. My moms gonna freak if she finds out it left her jewelry box. Plus its of religious importance in our family. LUCY Wait a minute, oh my gawd, are you telling me that little straight laced Victoria, Im-saving-myself-for-marriage actually took something without asking permission first? Wow, your mom is right. Im totally a bad influence on you. I dont know how I didnt burst into flames when I put it on if you say its of religious importance or whatever. VICTORIA Honestly Lucy, just shut up and tell me you have that necklace with you. We need to get that back there before my mom finds out. LUCY Geez girl, there are a dozen other necklaces in that box, Im sure shell find something to accessorize with other than that necklace. Which by the way, wasnt that cute. I mean, when I first saw it I thought it was going to really tie my whole outfit together, but the whole night it just kept feeling heavier and heavier, it was the weirdest thing. I ended up just taking the damn thing off. VICTORIA You took it off? Where is it now? LUCY Hmm, not sure. I def took it off before the blowjob though. VICTORIA Geezus Lucy! You have to get it back before LUCY Yeah yeah got it. Before your mom freaks and kills us both in cold blood. Hey, speaking of blood, I totally bit Brian Kitchenfire on the neck when we were making out the other night. I drew a little blood, it was pretty hot, but I think it freaked him out a bit. You would think hed be into that sort of thing, being in a goth band and

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all... VICTORIA Youre a freak. Youre definitely not a good Christian girl. LUCY It was kind of sexy to be honest, turned me on, its a bummer he wasnt into it, Im not worried though, there are always more Satanic dudes out there. VICTORIA Well Im glad to hear youre not worried about going to hell, but really Lucy, we need to find that damn necklace, it belonged to my great grams, the one who committed suicide. They say she was wearing it the night she.well, yknow! LUCY Croaked! Offed herself? Now thats freaky. I guess if Im going to hell Ill see your sweet old grams there. VICTORIA Lucy! LUCY I kid, I kid! But really though, I wish I would have known, I dont wanna party in a dead womans jewelry, no offense. Its probably haunted. Oh god, I bet it is, thats probably why I took it off, her ghost didnt want me wearing it. Oh god, eww. Despite how creepy this all is, Ill try my best to find it, I mean, it probably fell in Kitchfires car. VICTORIA Oh dont be ridiculous! Just please find it ASAP! My mom will flip! LUCY Thats kinda ironic if you think about it. Your mom will kill you if we dont find the necklace that your great grandmother was wearing when she killed herself. VICTORIA Wow, Lucille Cisneros, lost in thought, finding things ironic...I forget that youve got a brain and arent just the living embodiment of pure promiscuity and sexual desire. LUCY Hardy har-har bitch. A FEW DAYS LATER

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LUCY Hey Vicki! Guess what? The most random thing happened the other day, I was on Craigslist perusing the odd pages of the internet per usual, and found this posting. Check it out! it has to be your grams necklace we lost! VICTORIA Excuse me, we? LUCY Yeah, whatever, lets hit this fool up and get it back! VICTORIA Theres a number. You should call it. LUCY Whoaaa get a hold of his area code (818) 776-6677. LUCY GRABS HER PHONE AND DIALS THE NUMBER LUCY Theres no answer. VICTORIA Well, leave a message. Sound sexy so he wont think were creepers, but not too sexy so he thinks were creepers. Just sexy enough! LUCY Girl, I got this. VOICE MESSAGE You have reached the office of Dr. Robert Acula. I am away from my lair at the moment, but if you would kindly leave a message and number where I may reach you, I will gladly do so at my earliest convenience. Thanks for calling, and let the night be your guide. BEEP! LUCY (In a hushed voice towards Victoria) What dafuck? Let the night be your guide? What the fuck is that all about? VICTORIA (In a hushed tone) Shhh! Hurry up and leave the message girl! LUCY (Clearing throat) Why, hello there, Dr. Acula, my uhm-associate and I are very much interested in the necklace you posted on Craigslist. Wed love to meet you at your lair and conduct this mutually beneficial transaction. Please reach us at (323) 513-2549 at your earliest convenience. Ciao! LUCY HANGS UP THE PHONE. VICTORIA Ciao? Seriously, ciao?

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LUCY What? You said sound sexy. VICTORIA Whatever, I dont even know where to start with you. LUCY Ugh, youre sooo lame, why do we even hang out?! THE NEXT DAY VICTORIA AND LUCY SIT AT A DONUT SHOP AND PAINT THEIR NAILS LUCY Ok so well just wait it here, and do our nails in the meantime. VICTORIA Are you sure this is a good idea, like, is this even legal? LUCY Calm down prudy pants, were not breaking any laws...that Im aware of. VICTORIA Were practically stalking the guy! LUCY Look, were going to be fine, we just have to play it smart. We dont know this guy! He could be the devil for all we know. Or some weird rapist pedophile who gets off on fake craigslist posts and kidnaps innocent girls. People are freaks okay! VICTORIA Everything you just said is nonsense. LUCY Exactly! Thats my point, this is nuts, we gotta scope this guy out first. We tell him to meet us in front of the video store at 1PM, which he agreed to over e-mail. And we sit here looking pretty doing our nails all nonchalant like so that we can see what he looks like, what he drives, and if hes not a total creep before we set up the real dateerr, I mean meet. VICTORIA Youve done this before havent you? Is that how you meet all those weird dudes off the internet? LUCY Hey it works doesnt it? Ive become a pro at deciphering the creeps from the regs. Im still alive and fucking arent I? VICTORIA Why do you have to be so crass all the time? LUCY Hehe, you said ass. VICTORIA Wow! I can see going to Sunday school at church didnt set you right.

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LUCY How could I focus on Christ and all his shenanigans when our Sunday school teacher was so damn hot?! DONUT SHOP OWNER Hey! Ive told you girls a thousand and one times, NO NAIL PAINTING AT THIS EATING ESTABLISHMENT! What will the Food Safety Board say if they walk in on you painting your nails in here? Go across the street to the Nail Spa! LUCY First of all, calm down Mr. Williams! Its not like were painting our toe nails! Secondly, ew thats gross! Some stranger touching and cleaning your nails? Thats just unnatural. VICTORIA Lucy, hes right though, we should just do this in my room. We can listen to my Ipod and not this crappy top 40 that they play here. LUCY Fuck that! Were paying customers! (in a hushed tone towards Victoria) Plus I havent gotten my fill of free coffee refills yet! And they have free Wi-Fi! DONUT SHOP OWNER Youve got a mouth on you missy! LUCY What does that mean? You perv! I SHOULD call the Food and Safety Board so that they can shut this place down! Look at that dead fly on the bearclaws, and the hair floating in the Orange Bang machine! VICTORIA Gross, why are we even hanging out here, lets leave!

VICTORIA GRABS LUCY AND THEY WALK OUT OF THE DONUT SHOP, HALF DRIED NAIL POLISH AND HALF EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE IN HAND. LUCY Great! Now were not going to be able to scope this guy out beforehand.

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VICTORIA This was a total waste of time Lucy, we could have just met the guy and had my GGs necklace already! I mean come on, he cant be that bad. LUCY Youre too trusting and naive girl. All guys are creeps. Theyre all wolves in sheeps clothing, waiting for the proper time to pounce on you and go for the jugular. VICTORIA No way, Jons not like that. LUCY Jon? Are you serious? Jon who youve been blue balling for the past 2 years? The poor guy. Hes probably forgotten that hes a wolf. Hes totally just a sheep now. A sheep with blue balls. VICTORIA Shut up! You dont know how sweet he really is. Look at this cute text he sent me last night - Oh wait look at this! LUCY I hope its a dick pic. VICTORIA Gross Lucy, but seriously, its an e-mail from the Dr! LUCY Ooh, I hope its a dick pic still. VICTORIA (too annoyed to retort) DR. ACULA Dear ladies, I apologize profusely for having to cancel my daytime meeting with you.I had an emergency situation with a patient of mine and had to attend to his condition at once. Please, lets conduct this transaction once dusk settles in at my manor, which overlooks the offices of my practice. I will make sure that my matridi lets you in for refreshments at 8PM as I arrive to my humble abode with the necklace at hand. Thanks for your understanding, Dr. Robert Acula, M.D General Practice. Blood Transfusions Specialist LUCY Whoa. He sounds rich. VICTORIA Now I feel bad. We almost wasted this doctors time while hes out there trying to save peoples lives. Lets just meet him up and get this thing over with.

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THE GIRLS HEAD BACK TO LUCYS HOUSE TO KILL TIME BEFORE MEETING WITH THE DR. LUCY TRIES ON DIFFERENT OUTFITS TO IMPRESS HIM. LUCY So how exactly did your grandma off herself anyway? VICTORIA You know, to be honest, Ive never known the full story. My family doesnt really like to talk about it, all I know is she was engaged to the love of her life and he died in the war or something. I dont know, I guess she couldnt stand being without him, I mean, could you imagine? Losing your dude over some stupid war? Its so brutal actually, its kind of romantic if you think about it, committing suicide because you cant be with your one true love... LUCY Righttttt.... Do you think this shirt makes my boobs look small, or do you think hell like it? VICTORIA Does that even matter? Youre being super selfish right now Lucy Jesus H. Christ. LUCY Oh, relax, Veevs, I was just kidding. Thats a very romantic story, Im sorry your GG Allen killed herself for her man, thats some real dedication. We gotta give her props. I hope this guy really does have our necklace, serio beebee. LUCY GIVES VICTORIA A COMFORTING HUG AND A KISS ON THE CHEEK VICTORIA So you do have a soul... Anyway, its almost eight, are you done getting dressed? I really just wanna do this thing. How are we even getting there anyway? LUCY Oh, Brian Kitchenfire is giving us a lift. I told you, they always come back, we can ride in style to the Dr.s, have him buy us some drinks... Wanna have sushi tonight? Hes got a trust-fund. VICTORIA I always want sushi. Ugh, just promise me youll keep his dick away from your mouth while Im around. LUCY Hmm... Thats gonna be tough. If the Dr. isnt any hotter than B-kitchfire, I cant make any promises. VICTORIA Youre sick. LUCY Oh hey! BKF just texted me, he said hes outside.

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THE GIRLS CATCH A RIDE TO DR. ACULAS HOUSE.... BRIAN Whoa looks major creepfest over here, who is this guy again? LUCY Dont be a wuss B Kitch, youre IN a gothic band, this shit should be turning you on. Anyway, hes like this totally weird doctor that claims to have found that necklace I lost. He cant be that bad I mean even if he is, check out this estate! BRIAN Loose, I already told you how I feel about all that stuff...which I wont repeat in front of Victoria. LUCY Hes a wuss veevee. Hes afraid of the dark. BRIAN Can it Lucy! Or I wont tell you anymore secrets. VICTORIA FYI, Lucys the worst at keeping secrets, especially if shes been drinking, which is usually always. Anyway, I know enough of her secrets to kill her, resurrect her and kill her again. Ive heard it all, enough with the bullshit though, can we just go inside and get this done? Im getting really anxious. LUCY Geezus girl, you need a stiff one, and Im not talking about booze. THE GIRLS WALK UP TO THE DOCTORS MANSION WHICH STANDS AS A TESTAMENT TO GREAT GERMANIC GOTHIC ARCHITECTURE OF THE 18TH CENTURY. LUCY Im telling you girl,hes gotta be loaded. I hope he likes brunettes, Im tryin to get set up. You think hes the pre-nup type? VICTORIA Be real, no ones going to offer you marriage when you go around giving it all up for the slightest morsel of interest. LUCY Ouch bitch. VICTORIA You know how I feel about marriage, and I dont like you throwing it around like its just another medium YOU can use to get your socks off. Im serious, marriage is sacred. I want a traditional white wedding, I deserve that because Ive waited unlike some people... LUCY Girl, all youve done is wait to become some guys only way to get off. After you sleep with him youll realize youre holding onto something totally irrelevant. Your

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v-card means nothing Vic, be real. I cant wait for the day you realize how fun and normal it is and not some act that has to be socially recognized by God, jussayin. VICTORIA Were not having this asinine conversation right now, besides, were both just too different. You are the devil incarnate, and Im just a decent person with values. Sue me. LUCY Hey I have values! Mine are just tangible and you can accessorize them with cute outfits. Get over it. VICTORIA Lets cut the crap and just knock. JUST AS THE GIRLS ARE ABOUT TO KNOCK THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN ON ITS OWN. VICTORIA HolyLUCY -Shit. THE DOOR MAKES A PROLONGED CREAKING SOUND BEFORE A HUNCHBACKED MAN APPROACHES THE GIRLS. VINCENT Good evening ladies, my name is Vincent, the good doctor has been expecting you. Please follow me. THE GIRLS HESITANTLY APPROACH INWARD. THEY WHISPER AMONG THEMSELVES AS THEY FOLLOW VINCENT,WHOS CARRYING AN EIGHT SIDED CANDLE HOLDER, AS THEY WALK DEEPER INTO THE CAVERNOUS MANSION. VICTORIA Hey girl, low key this is all suddenly looking like a bad idea LUCY Theres nothing low key about it, this seems totally creepy. Where the hell did Bitchfire go, he was right behind us. VICTORIA Shit, what if its a trap? LUCY Dont worry I got Kitchenfires beautiful butterfly knife with me. VICTORIA Youre good, I love alliteration. LUCY

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Me too, and Ill cut anyone who doesnt with it. VINCENT I do apologize ladies, where are my manners? Do any of you need to freshen up in the lavatory? VICTORIA Were good, thanks. Right Lucy? VINCENT LOOKS INTENTLY INTO LUCYS EYES, HYPNOTICALLY. LUCY Uhh...actuallyI think I do need to go. VICTORIA No way girl. Im not letting you wander around this cobweb infested place by yourself. LUCYS FACE GOES COMPLETELY BLANK AS SHE STARES BACK AT VINCENT. HE STARES BACK WITH A DEEP AND DARK KNOWING EXPRESSION. VICTORIA SEEMS AT ODDS. LUCY SUDDENLY SNAPS OUT OF HER BLANK TRANCE. LUCY Its cool girl, really. I can go on my own, I think youd prefer it too after all that Orange Bang I had earlier. VICTORIA TAKES LUCY TO THE SIDE AND WHISPERS TO HER IN AN OUTRAGED INTONATION. VICTORIA Lucy! You cant leave me alone with this fucking stranger! LUCY Meet the Doctor, get the necklace, Ill meet you after we both handle our private business. WITH THIS LUCY SCAMPERS OFF BEFORE VICTORIA CAN WILDLY INTERJECT. VINCENT The sixth door to your left Ms. Cisneros! VICTORIA LUCY! Wait, how do you know her last name? VINCENT It is the good doctors business to be well informed and I as well when acting as his proxy. Come, madame, the doctor has been looking forward to impart upon you the

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magnificent piece that is your great grandmothers long lost jewelry. Lets not keep the good doctor waiting, as it seems like several lifetimes, Im sure, that hes been waiting for you. VICTORIA IS TAKEN ABACK BY VINCENTS MANNER OF SPEAKING. SHE FOLLOWS HIM, ALTHOUGH A BIT HESITANT, SHE CONSENTS AS IF BEING LURED AND PUSHED FORWARD BY SOME SORT OF EXTERNAL FORCE OF DIABOLICAL BUT PERSUASIVE NATURE. VINCENT Here we are to the good doctors common room. He should be out shortly, let me attend to Ms. Cisneros and make sure she finds her lovely way up here to you and your retrieved item. Im sure the good doctor would love to make her acquaintance once hes attended to the ostensible matter at hand. VICTORIA Ah, sure. Yeah..uh sounds fine. Ill just take a seat VINCENT MAKES AN UNNATURALLY HASTY DEPARTURE. VICTORIA in one of these musty couches. A VOICE BOOMS FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COMMON ROOM AREA, BEHIND A TALL AND ANCIENT LEATHER BOUND CHAIR. MANS VOICE I do hope you pardon the unkempt condition of the furniture. It has not been disturbed for over two centuries, as I am a persistent picky-ninny when it comes to antiques and needless refurbishing. THE VOICE DRIFTS AND BOUNCES OFF THE WALLS AND ALL OVER THE LARGE COMMON AREA AS THE MAN ARISES FROM THE TALL CHAIR AND MAKES HIMSELF VISIBLE IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT, DASHING AND SHARPLY DRESSED. VICTORIA Oh shit! Im sorry, is that you Dr. Acula? If it is, Im sorry for swearing, I dont usually do so unless Im frightened. DR. ACULA Forgive me for my sudden appearance, as I have been known for making a frightening entrance. Dont be alarmed my lady, Im only a humble Doctor who happens to have an affinity for antiques and things of years past in general. Much like the necklace that has brought us together this fateful night.

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VICTORIA Ah, if you dont mind doctor, er-sir, Id like to just verify that it is in fact my great grandmothers necklace before we chat some more, my friend and I are kind of in a hurry. Also I need to get my friend Lucy here with me before any transaction takes place. LUCY Did someone say my name? DR. ACULA Speak of the devil. VICTORIA Holy crap Lucy! You scared me half to death! LUCY So whats up? Wow, hes a total dream boat, did you get the goods? And your GG Allens necklace thing? VICTORIA What, no, I was just telling the Dr. that I wanted you to be present for the transaction you know? Are you okay, youre looking pretty pale right now. Did you yack or something? LUCY Im fine baby, I couldnt feel better. I feel so...reawakened. VICTORIA Umm.. okay, anyway, so Dr. can we see the necklace? DR. ACULA You lack patience my dear, if you only knew the pains of a tortured soul, waiting eternities VICTORIA Uhh...yeah. Sorry, I just, well, we have somewhere we need to be. Our friend is waiting for us. DR. ACULA You mean the young gentleman in the Cadillac? Im sorry my ladies, your friend looked very ill and took leave. VICTORIA What?! Kitchfire left us! Lucy! What a bitch! LUCY Vee, relax, everythings cool. Ive scoped the place out, its chill here. VICTORIA Are you serious? Its totally creepsville in here what the heck is wrong with you! And whats that on your neck? Are- are you bleeding? LUCY Ive never felt better. DR. ACULA Victoria, there are a few things you must know.

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LUCY Listen to him Vee, hes a Dr! VICTORIA What the hell is going on? DR. ACULA I have crossed oceans of time time to find you, sweet girl. VICTORIA Ahhh LUCY Come on Vee, get with the program. Hes totally into you. This is what you wanted! True love right? I think hes the marrying type too, plus, hes a doctor. VICTORIA Am I the onIy one that doesnt know whatis going on here? This is totally creepy! LUCY Girl, I love when dudes are so into you that its borderIine creepy. Trust me, just go with it. VICTORIA Im like so confused, Lucy, youre freaking me out! DR. ACULA The luckiest man who walks on this earth is the one who finds true love my sweet Victoria. You see, the necklace, this necklace, is what brought us here tonight but this moment has been a hundred years in the making. I brought you here under a misconception, but you must understand that this necklace is a symbol of the Iove that WE once shared. LUCY Aww, thats cute. THE DOCTOR SHOOTS LUCY AN ANNOYED GLARE. VICTORIA What? What are you saying? DR.ACULA I am the monster that breathing men would kill my fair maiden. I am Dracula. VICTORIA Is this some kind of sick joke? Lucy, youre totally behind this! Youre totally trying to set me up with this oId man. I toId you that Im saving myself for marriage. Remember, virginal white wedding? DR.ACULA But youre already to be wed to me my beautiful queen. I promised to bestow this necklace upon you when we were to wed back when you took on a different corporeal vessel. SadIy, our marriage never occurred. Before your current incarnation you went by the name of Mina Allen, the love of my Iife. This was before those damn religious

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zealots crushed your body and cursed me to roam the earth never truly dead but never truly aliveuntiI we were to meet through providence. You are the reincarnation of my Iong Iost satanic Iove. VICTORIA Like hell I am! I dont know what youre talking about, Lucy caII Brian! He needs to come back and take us as far away from this pIace and this creep as possible. VICTORIA TAKES SEVERAL STEPS BACK PULLING LUCY WITH HER ONLY TO REALIZE THAT LUCY IS FLOATING SEVERAL INCHES OFF THE GROUND. THE DOCTOR APPROACHES VICTORIA, AND LUCY TURNS AWAY IN SEMICONFRONTATIONAL MANNER. LUCY Relax Veevee, for once in my Iife Im dead serious. The doctor turned me and now alI this ancient knowledge is running in my bIood through my veins. Trust me, heII turn you and give you everything you never knew you were missing. Im Iike totally enlightened. VICTORIA No, I should have never trusted you from the beginning! You can stay if you want, Im fucking outties! VICTORIA TURNS TO LEAVE. SHES HALFWAY ACROSS THE ROOM WHEN DR. ACULA PULLS HER, AS IF WITH A MAGNETIC FORCE, DELICATELY AND SMOOTHLY TOWARDS HIM. LUCY IS LEVITATING, BUSY WITH HER PHONE, TEXTING AT AN ABNORMALLY FAST SPEED. VICTORIA Holy shit! Lucy, do something! This man is trying to have his way with me! LUCY Hold a sec, Vee. Im texting B Kitch, Im totally gonna suck his blood tonight...among other things. VICTORIA BEGINS TO SOB. VICTORIA Please, sir, just let me go, youre freaking me out. This is all too weird and terrifying, I dont like this! DR. ACULA I beg of you my love, dont weep due to fear. I only hold tender affections and fantastic dreams of passionate love towards you. You are the reason why I renounced Christ and swore my eternal vow of hatred to the hypocrisy that is the church. Why would God deny a man what he wants more than life itself? What God would abstain and deprive a man from the very thing that sustains him? The object he is willing to kill for if driven to the

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extent. I cursed and killed my God in favor of you my beloved Mina, you and your affections and boundless love and lust! VICTORIA IS OVERWHELMED WITH THE SITUATION SHE FINDS HERSELF IN. SHE CONTINUES TO SOB PARTLY IN DISBELIEF AT WHAT IS TRANSPIRING AND PARTLY TO THE HYPNOTIC RHYTHM OF THE DR.S WORDS. DR. ACULA Please my beloved, do not cry. THE DR. HOLDS VICTORIA WITH ONE ARM AS HE CUPS HER STREAMING TEARS WITH HIS FREE HAND. HE SQUEEZES HER TEARS IN HIS PALM AND AS HE RELEASES HIS POWERFUL FIST HE HOLDS SPARKLING DIAMONDS FOR VICTORIA TO SEE. DR. ACULA I have sacrificed my rightful place among Christs presence in order to live sinfully in love with the most magnificent creature to grace the damned lands of this earth. For we live in hell and I act as legislator of lust and wickedness, forbearing the price of my own inequities, whilst having in my possession the most resplendent rose resented by the unfortunate wretched who have lost the grace of God. VICTORIA Please...sir, let me go. I cant be the love of your life...I cant fear and love you at the same time. You have me mistaken. Please...just let me go. THE DR. RELEASES VICTORIA. HE PULLS AWAY FROM HER WITH A LOOK OF DEFEAT AND FORLORN LUST. HE BEGINS TO STAGGER AND STOPS ON HIS KNEES ONLY TO LET OUT A GHOSTLY HOWL. LUCY Damn, thats hot. THE DR. RETREATS TO THE SHADOWS WHERE ONLY HIS GLOWING RED EYES ARE VISIBLE. HE HOWLS ONE LAST TIME BEFORE STEPPING INTO THE SICKLY MOONLIGHT. HE APPEARS BEFORE THE GIRLS IN HIS ANCIENT DEMONIC FORM. HE ADDRESSES THEM IN A BEASTLY AND UNNATURAL TIMBRE OF VOICE. DRACULA I RENOUNCED CHRIST AND EARTH FOR YOUR LOVE, MINA! IT WAS THE IGNORANT MORALITY OF RELIGIOUS MEN THAT TOOK YOU AWAY FROM ME. FOR THAT I WAS CURSED TO LIVE AS MORE BEAST THAN MAN. LOOK UPON YOUR BOSOM, THAT BIRTHMARK IS IN FACT THE LEGACY OF THEIR SWORDS

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WHICH PIERCED YOUR OPULENT SKIN BEFORE MY EYES AS THEY EVISCERATED REST OF YOUR BODILY PERFECTION. VICTORIA QUICKLY PLACES HER RIGHT HAND OVER HER HEART WHERE HER BIRTHMARK IS PLACED. VICTORIA Did-did you tell him about my birthmark Vee, how do you know that? LUCY Nuh-uh girl. Thats so sad though, he totally wants to bone you in a sweet and weird way. Just let him already Veevee, being a vamp feels fucking rad. VICTORIA Here give me your purse! VICTORIA QUICKLY SEARCHES INSIDE LUCYS BAG FOR BRIAN KITCHENFIRES BUTTERFLY KNIFE. DRACULA STARES VEHEMENTLY AT LUCY. VICTORIA I will fucking shank you if you come at me! Dont think I wont. DRACULA My poor Mina, what has these religious practices done to your sweet heart? LUCY The girl is blind Doc, Ive been tryin to change her for years. Shes afraid, just like that wuss B-kitch. She wont understand, shes too preoccupied with irrelevant ideals. She needs to open her eyes. Use your special powers and just turn her already, shes not gonna budge, I mean, look at her, shes just a BW. You know, basic woman, get with it. DRACULA LUNGES FORWARD AND GROWLS AN UNNATURAL GUTTURAL SNEER. HE LOOKS AT LUCY AND THEN AT VICTORIA. VICTORIA GRABS THE BLADE WITH BOTH HANDS IN A NOVICE LIKE MANNER WHILE LUCY FLOATS AROUND HALF PAYING ATTENTION TO THE SITUATION IN FRONT OF HER AND TO HER PHONE AS SHE CONTINUES TO TEXT. DRACULA I cant go on like this darling creature. The once lustful blood in your veins now runs weak while puritanical blood dominates your being. I truly am cursed. Cursed for ever giving into my basic human desires. Those religious zealots have bested my efforts. My love and desire for you only grew as the years passed and your memory and affections for me increasingly faded. It is past time I left this loveless land as it bores no content or bodily satiability for myself. What more fitting way to greet death than through the hand of my own lover? I would rather die a thousand times

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by your doing so than live another moment in this God forsaken place without your admiration and willing affections. Be gone with me! DRACULA LEAPS TOWARDS VICTORIA AND KNEELS IN FRONT OF HER, AWAITING THE BLADE AND HER ANGER. VICTORIA Ah shit, shit shit! I cant do this, holy shit! DRACULA There is nothing holy about this damned affair. LUCY Geezus Vee, dont do it! Lets all just chill, suck each others blood and have some weird and gnarly sex. Im just sayin life wont get anymore supernatural and rad than this. DRACULA Silence, you! Let me have my death in peace! LUCY Alright, whatever, dont have a cow DRACULA Dont worry sweet child, youll be doing some good by driving that blade through my heart. Let me die like the love you once had for me. VICTORIA HESITATES FOR A MOMENT BEFORE DRIVING THE BLADE DOWN IN A FEEBLE MANNER. THE BLADE GRAZES DRACULA, WHO LETS OUT A HOWL. DRACULA Do it with passion my beauty, do it with all your might! VICTORIA PLUNGES THE KNIFE INTO DRACULAS CHEST. DRACULA HOWLS IN AGONY AS HE TAKES ON A TIGHT CLASP ONTO VICTORIAS ARMS, DRIVING THE BLADE DEEPER INTO HIS CHEST CAVITY. BLOOD GUSHES OUTWARD AND DISSOLVES INTO FLAMING CINDERS AS IT TOUCHES THE FLOOR. DRACULA This is fantastic, sweet girl! To die a glorious and merciful death dealt by my lover! To be penetrated by you and death be the ultimate climax! VICTORIA SOBS OUT OF THE INTENSE PAIN FROM DRACULAS GRASP AND BY HER OVERWHELMING FEELINGS OF GUILT, FEAR, CONFUSION AND ABSURDITY. DRACULA PUSHES HER AWAY FROM HIM AS THE FIRE FROM HIS

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SPILLED BLOOD ENGULFS HIM ENTIRELY. EVEN IN THE FIRE HIS RED EYES SHINE DISTINCTLY. AS THE FLAMES DIE SO DOES HE AND NOTHING IS LEFT BEHIND ON THE COLD, MOONLIT STONE FLOOR. VICTORIA IS ON THE GROUND BREATHING HEAVILY WHEN AN ARM REACHES FOR HER OUT OF THE SHADOWS. VICTORIA No, no, no, no! Im done with you, I cant take anymore of this! LUCY Damn girl thats cold. I know we dont always get along but geez, I still think were good friends. Plus I forgive you for killing the Doctor and all the future good times we were going to have as vampires and whatnot. VICTORIA Shit, Lucy! Youre back to normal youre not all pale and satanic looking! VICTORIA EMBRACES LUCY AND HOLDS HER TIGHT. LUCY I know, now Im just a damn Basic again. I mean, its all your fault but that was some harsh shit to see. Like really girl, low-key I think youre a lesbian. Thats why you totes rejected the Doctor. Like what were you thinking, I cant believe you killed him. Youre totally a murderer now. VICTORIA Shut up and lets get outta here! My God, what are we gonna do? What if someone finds out I did this? I mean, it was self-defense, he basically had you in a trance. But I was stronger than that, I didnt succumb to whatever he was. LUCY Im super bummed to not be all vamped out anymore. I was looking forward to scaring B-Kitch and blowing his mind with all the upside down vampire sex we were going to have. THE GIRLS START MAKING THEIR WAY OUTSIDE. VICTORIA None of what you just said shocks me anymore. Just call Brian so we can jet. LUCY Hes outside waiting for us. He turned around and came right back as soon as I told him that I have his beautiful butterfly knife, speaking of which where is it at? VICTORIA Did you not just witness the bloodbath back there? I stabbed the Dr. or vampire or whatever the hell that thing was with it. It disappeared somewhere in the fire. LUCY Vicky! B-Kitch is going to throw a fit!

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VICTORIA Ha! See , now you know what it feels like when other people take things from you without asking that dont belong to you in the first place. My biggest concern as of now is what were gonna say when he sees me covered in blood? Hell never believe us. LUCY Just tell him you got your period.

BRIAN WAITS OUTSIDE THE MANSION FOR THE GIRLS. HE IS STUNNED WHEN HE SEES VICTORIA HALF-COVERED IN BLOOD. BRIAN Whoa, what the hell happened to you Vicky? Why are you covered in - is -is that blood? Did you guys kill someone? LUCY Youll never believe what just happened to us baby. VICTORIA I need to get the hell away from here. BRIAN Tell me what happened. LUCY Well basically Vee is the epitome of a basic woman, she not only turned away the most gnarly lover, she actually killed him! Drove your knife through his damn heart! Which by the way, she lost when he blew up in front of us, there was a fire, lots of blood everywhere, hence Vickies new goth attire.Talk about ruthless! VICTORIA Okay, first of all, it was nothing like that, the man was deranged! He turned into a wolf or beast, he could have been the devil for all I knew. It was totally scary, I dont ever want to think about this day ever again. I just want to see Jon and tell him everything thats happened. LUCY To be honest Vee, I really think you made the wrong choice, you dont understand

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how great I felt after he turned me. I felt, complete, like everything was perfect, if you only you had given him a chance, could you imagine, wed be set for life, Id never felt so liberated girl. I cant believe you killed the poor guy, the sex would have been amazing I bet. VICTORIA Theres no way in hell I would have let that thing touch me, did you see him with those demonic eyes trying to fuck me with them, God, I can throw up just thinking about it. LUCY Mmm I dont know girl, it was totally hot. Animalistic desires...could you ask for anything more raw? He totally had it for you. You should have given him a chance, he turned your tears into diamonds for Christs sake! BRIAN That sounds cool and everything guys, but there is no way in Hell Im letting you in my caddie covered in blood! Worst of all I think I could be arrested for murder by association or something like that. Ill leave you some cab fare but thats it! THE GIRLS STARE AT BRIAN KITCHENFIRE AS IF NOTHING HE HAS SAID HELD ANY WEIGHT. LUCY First of all, you cant get arrested for Accessory to Murder because Vicky technically didnt kill anyone. A) You cant technically kill something thats UNDEAD, and B) Theres no evidence of a body anyhow. That Hellfire did a heck of job burning his flesh and bones into nothing but smoke! VICTORIA And most importantly C) I now possess the ability to kill on command Brian, I totally stabbed the devil himself! To death! And he loved me! So just think of what Im capable of doing to you if you ever even try to rat on us you soft ass tatter-teller! LUCY Oooh, nice one girl! I think you came out of the fire at least a little more devilish. I like this new Victoria. VICTORIA GRABS BRIANS CAR KEYS AND GETS INTO THE DRIVERS SEAT. VICTORIA Cmon gals, lets go grab a burger Im STARVING! All this demon-slayings got me working up an appetite! LUCY Cmon B Kitch, lets play Dr. in the backseat, you can be the beast, or leave the kinky

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stuff to me, you pick, not it! LUCY GRABS BRIANS HAND AND PULLS HIM INTO THE BACKSEAT. BRIAN Ah fuck! My upholstery! Maaan, it was bad enough having one Lucille Cisneros around but now theres two of her! Fuck this mansion and whatever happened in there! VICTORIA Quit your whining B Kitch, burgers on me. Lets blow this popsicle stand. I genuinely dont feel bad about stabbing that thing that said it was Dracula back there. BRIAN Did-did you say Dracula? As in fucking Bram Stokers Dracula? Geez Vicky, youre supposed to be the wholesome one! VICTORIA Well I guess thats why he was attracted to me. The devil would want to seduce the most Godly gal out there. And I totes resisted LUCY Shit, I sure as hell didnt. Im feeling famished myself, I should probably hit up the B Kitchen of love and help myself! BRIAN Not infront of Victoria! LUCY Aw, my poor baby angel. I guess Vicky is right. Im totes the devil and youre my little Godly guy B Kitch! I just wanna bite and bone you all the time! VICTORIA Alright, you guys do what you gotta do, Im driving us far away from this damned place. I cant wait to get home and bathe in holy water. LUCY Im kinda sad about leaving, the world seemed a lot more rad with the Devils blood running through my veins, and youre still being a Puritan and all too, such a bummer. So much for living out my fantasy as the Devils mistress Im gonna miss him. BRIAN By the way, did you guys ever end up getting your grandmas necklace?

THE END

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