HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMEN COMPLIMENT HER, RESPECT HER, HONOUR HER, CUDDLE HER, KISS HER, CARESS HER,

LOVE HER, STROKE HER, TEASE HER, COMFORT HER, PROTECT HER, HUG HER, HOLD HER, SPEND MONEY ON HER, WINE AND DINE HER, BUY THINGS FOR HER, LISTEN TO HER, CARE FOR HER, STAND BY HER, SUPPORT HER, HOLD HER, GO TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH FOR HER, HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN SHOW UP NAKED, BRING FOOD

10 ways to scare your neighbors

1.) Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone. hello 2.) Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants,while watering the bad ones. 3.)Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (ie: chairs, books, lamps, etc.) 4.) Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies", then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage." walk away laughing hysterically. 5.)Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards. 6.) At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on the move again." 7.) When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a dink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too. 8.)Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbours. Each day hack off a different part of their body. 9.) Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.) 10.) Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household applainces.

50 Things To Do In an Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7. Shave. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 14. One word: Flatulence! 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" 19. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 20. Meow occassionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. 25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!" 29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" 34. Play the harmonica. 35. Shadow box. 36. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" 43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

50 Fun Things To Do On a Final That Does Not Matter

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret

documents!!" 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?" 8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat th is process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..). 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!" 32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get PI and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attache d notes for references as you see fit." 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few

minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". 50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

Books You Will Never Find In a Bookstore

124 Simple Exercises For the Teeth A Complete List Of All the Things That Are Still Pending A Hundred Dead People Nobody Misses A List Of People Who Mean Well A Treasury Of Poorly Understood Ideas Apartment Hunting For Devil Worshipers Backpacking For Shut-ins Caring For the Seated Chances Are Your Sister's Full Of Shit Controlling Fear Without Getting Frightened Cooking For the Paralyzed Cooking With Heat Don't Throw Away Your Old Skin Eat, Run, Stay Fit, and Die Anyway Famous Bullshit Stories Famous People Who Were Wiry Fill Your Life With Croutons How To Become a Grease Ball How To Do Everything At Once How To Filet a Panda How To Get a Tan With a Flashlight How To Get Back From Boston How To Give a King a Really Hard Time

How To Give People Your Best Regards How To Give Yourself a Complete Physical Without Getting Undressed How To Kill a Rat With an Oboe How To Kill Your Nephew How To Lease Out the Space Inside Your Nose How To Organize a Tupperware Gang-Bang How To Seem Intelligent How To Spoil Other People's Fun How To Spot a Creep From a Distance How To Spot Truly Vicious People in Church How To Start a Range War How To Turn Unbearable Pain Into Extra Income How To Wave Good-bye Without Moving Your Arms I Gave Up Hope and Died and It Worked I Suck You Suck Let's Change the Alphabet Marriage For One My Dog Is a Real Fruit Peace Of Mind By Losing Complete Control For Sixteen Hours a Day Poems For the Insane Re-organizing Your Pockets Rid Yourself Of Doubt--Or Should You? Self Mutilation As an Attention Getter Six Cities No One Has Ever Been To Six Ways To Fuck Up Before Breakfast Six-Hundred Ways To Give People the Shaft Sixty-four Good Reasons For Giving Up Hope Sport Fishing With Power Saws Ten Things We Don't Know Yet The Complete List Of Everyone's Personal Affects The Food Coloring Diet The Intravenous Cookbook The Lives Of Six Extremely Short Saints

The Meaning Of Corn The Stains In Your Shorts Can Indicate Your Future The Wrong Underwear Can Kill There's Big Money In Staying Put Things No One Can Help Tips On Getting Laid Tremble Your Way To Fitness Trotting Across Zaire Understanding People You'll Never Meet What To Wear On the Toilet Why Hawaii and Norway Are Not Near Each Other Why It Doesn't Snow Anymore Why Jews Point You Give Me Six Weeks and I'll Give You Some Disease Your Shoes Are Worth Money Your Thighs Control Your Life

Crude Sex Jokes 4 Guyz N Gurlz

Read To The End Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A. So men can be open minded. Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock? A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego... A. "Is it in?" Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows. Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A. One of his fingers is clean. Q. What's the biggest fish in the world? A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months. Q. Whats the difference between parsley and pussy? A. Nobody eats parsley. Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy? A. Kermits Finger Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear! Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Ten things NOT to say to a cop when you're pulled over.

10. Back off Barney, I've got a piece. 9. Wanta race to the station, Sparky? 8. I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout! 7. On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack. 6. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Jerk! 5. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! 4. Hey wasn't your daughter a pork queen? 3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me. 2. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me? 1. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a three for one special!

25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you have the hangover after work instead of before. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing. 16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar. 17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks. 19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. 20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. (depending of course on the boss). 21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union. 22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use. 23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up. 24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross." 25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language. >>

Dumb Blond Jokes!!

1)Q:What is the first thing a blond does when they wake up? A:They go home. 2)Q:What is the difference between a telephone and a blond? A:It's thirty-five cents to use the phone. 3)Q:What does a good basketball team have in common with a bad basketball team, a group of men and a blond? A:Everyone scores. 4)Q:What is the mating call of a blond? A:"I'm so Drunk" 5)Q:Why do blonds have TGIF written on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First 6)Q:Here about the blond that got an AM radio? A:It took her a month to find out that you can play it in the afternoon. 7)Q:Why Cant blonds dial 911? A:they cant find the 11 button. 8)Q:Why do blond smile during lightning storms? A:they think their picture has been taken. 9)Q:What did the blond say when she saw the YMCA sign? A:"hey look, they spelled macy's wrong!! 10)Q:Why did the blond stare @ the orange juice container? A:It said concentrate 11)A blonde and a brunnet where walking when the brunnet said "Oh look a dead bird" The blond looked up and said "Where,Where" 12)Q:What do you do if a blonde throws a pin @ you? A:RUN, she has a grenade in her mouth!!!! 13)Three blondes were driving to disneyland.After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sing that said "disneyland"LEFT",so they turned turned around and went home. 14)Q:What do SMART blondes have in common with UFO's? A:You hear about them,but don't see them. 15)Q:Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman as opposed to a regular one? A:You have to hollow out the head. 16)Q:How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eye?

A:Shine a light in her ear. 17)Q:What happend to the blonde hockey team? A:They drowned during spring training 18)Q:How can you tell when a blonde sent you a fax? A:There is a stamp on it. 19)Q:How do you drowned a blonde? A:Put a scratch and sniff sticker @ the bottum of a pool. 20)Q:How do you make a blond laugh on Saturday? A:Tell her a joke on Wednsday.

You Know You're Ghetto When.....(Reasons1-150)

1. THERE'S REUSABLE BACON GREASE IN A MAXWELL HOUSE CAN IN THE CENTER OF THE BURNERS ON YOUR STOVE. 2. TURNING UP THE HEAT MEANS TURNING ON ANOTHER BURNER ON THE STOVE. 3. THE BATTERIES IN YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ARE HELD IN PLACE WITH A PIECE OF TAPE. 4. YOU HAVE PROJECT HEAT. (NOTE: THIS MEANS THAT YOU HAVE TO OPEN YOUR WINDOW IN THE WINTER.) 5. SOMETHING SMELLS SPOILED IN THE REFRIGERATOR, AND ALL YOU DO IS CHANGE THE BOX OF ARM & HAMMER BAKING SODA. 6. YOUR DRINKING GLASSES USED TO BE JELLY JARS. 7. YOUR FURNITURE IS COVERED IN PLASTIC. 8. YOU RUN TO GET POTS AS SOON AS IT RAINS. 9. THE ROACHES IN YOUR HOUSE ONLY COME OUT WHEN COMPANY COMES. 10. YOU STILL REFER TO YOUR STEREO AS THE HI-FI. 11. YOU REFER TO YOUR DRESSER AS "THE BUREAU." 12. YOU REFER TO THE REFRIGERATOR AS AN ICEBOX. 13. THE BACK OF YOUR TOILET SEAT IS ALWAYS OFF, AND YOU KNOW HOW TO MANUALLY FLUSH IT. 14. YOU HAVE MORE THAN TEN USES FOR VASELINE, AND ONE OF THEM IS SHOE POLISH. 15. YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE CLEAN UNLESS THERE IS VISIBLE BABY POWDER ON YOUR NECK AND CHEST, AND YOU AIN'T EVEN NO BABY. 16. THE HEELS OF YOUR FEET LOOK LIKE YOU'VE BEEN KICKING FLOUR. 17. YOUR COLLAR IS STILL UP. 18. YOU WEAR ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: BRUTE, HAI KARATE, JEAN NATE, OLD SPICE, CHLOE, ENGLISH LEATHER, CHARLIE, FABERGE' 19. YOU USE TUSSY. 20. YOU USE BLACK EYE LINER TO LINE YOUR LIPS. 21. YOUR LIPSTICK MATCHES YOUR CLOTHES. 22. YOU HAVE ROLLS IN THE BACK OF YOUR NECK. 23. YOU WEAR YOUR SHOWER CAP EVERYWHERE BUT IN THE SHOWER. 24. YOU DRY-CLEAN YOUR WASHABLE CLOTHING (E.G., JEANS, T-SHIRTS, BASEBALL JERSEY, ETC.). 25. YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO THE DENTIST. 26. YOU CLEAN YOUR TEETH WITH A MATCHBOOK OR BUSINESS CARD. 27. YOU CLEAN YOUR EARS WITH A BOBBY PIN, KEY, OR INK PEN CAP. 28. YOU WEAR YOUR CLOTHES WITH A TAG ON THEM. 29. THE ONLY ART YOU OWN IS ON YOUR FINGERNAILS. 30. YOU GO TO THE BEAUTY SHOP FOR A PRESS AND CURL. 31. YOU'VE EVER WAITED SEVERAL HOURS IN A SALON TO GET YOUR HAIR DONE AND YOU HAD AN APPOINTMENT. 32. YOUR DAUGHTER IS UNDER SIXTEEN AND HAS EXTENSIONS.

33. YOU PERM YOUR THREE-YEAR-OLD'S HAIR. 34. YOU HAVE TO PUT A TOWEL ON YOUR FURNITURE SO THAT YOUR CURL ACTIVATOR WON'T STAIN IT. 35. YOU REFER TO THE HAIR AT THE NAPE OF YOUR NECK AS YOUR "KITCHEN." 36. YOU STILL THINK THERE'S SUCH A THING AS "GOOD" OR "BAD" HAIR. (NOTE: IT'S NOT THE HAIR, IT'S THE BRAIN UNDER IT) 37. YOUR BABY HAS A BOW OR BARRETTE ON HER ONE STRAND OF HAIR. 38. YOU NEVER LEARNED TO SWIM BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T GET YOUR HAIR WET. 39. YOUR CHILD THINKS HIS REAL NAME IS LITTLE MAN. 40. YOU CHANGED YOUR FIRST NAME 'CAUSE YOU SAID IT WAS THE WHITE MAN'S, BUT KEPT YOUR LAST NAME YOUR REAL SLAVE NAME. 41. YOU HAVE TROUBLE SPELLING YOUR CHILDREN'S NAMES, AND YOU NAMED THEM. 42. YOU WEIGH MORE THAN THREE HUNDRED POUNDS, BUT YOU CLAIM THAT YOU CAN'T EAT EVERYBODY ELSE'S FOOD. 43. YOU'VE EVER DROPPED ANYTHING AND KISSED IT UP TO GOD BEFORE YOU ATE IT. 44. YOU PAGE YOURSELF. 45. YOU'RE LATE FOR EVERYTHING, AND YOU TRY TO ACT LIKE IT'S A CULTURAL EXPRESSION. 46. YOUR MOTHER CLEANED FLOORS TO EDUCATE YOU, AND NOW YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE BETTER THAN HER. 47. YOU WEAR FLIP-FLOPS OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. 48. YOU'RE KNOWN FOR ROLLING ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: YOUR NECK, YOUR EYES, YOUR R'S, OR YOUR WRIST. 49. YOU'VE EVER REFERRED TO THE WIND AS THE HAWK. 50. YOU ADD "ED" OR "T" TO THE END OF A WORD THAT'S ALREADY IN THE PAST TENSE (E.G., TOOKED, LIGHT-SKINNEDED, KILT, RUINT). 51. THE PERSON YOU'RE SPEAKING TO DOESN'T SPEAK ANY ENGLISH AND YOU JUST TALK LOUDER. 52. YOU TALK LOUD ON THE PHONE BECAUSE IT'S LONG DISTANCE. 53. YOU'VE EVER REFERRED TO ANYTHING AS ONE OF THE FOLLOWING: DO-HICKEY, THING-AMA-JIG, WHOSEYWHATS, WHATCHAMACALLIT. YOU USE BUT MISPRONOUNCE THESE WORDS: 54. AMBALAMPS-AMBULANCE 55. SKRIMPS OR STRIMPS-SHIRIMP (NOTE: THERE IS NO "S" ON THE END). 56. PACIFIC VS. SPECIFIC (NOTE: THESE ARE NOT INTERCHANGEABLE. IN ORDER TO DETERMINE WHICH IS APPROPRIATE, LISTEN TO CLUES SUCH AS REFERENCES TO LARGE BODIES OF WATER, AS OPPOSED TO THAT BODY OF WATER.) 57. SKREET-STREET 58. AXE-ASK 59. LOOK DEAD-LOOKED 60. MEMBER-OF OR PERTAINING TO A RECOLLECTION (E.G., YA'LL MEMBER THE TIME...?) 61. SPISKETTIS-SPAGHETTI 62. ZINC-SINK 63. ALBLUMS-WHAT WE USED BEFORE CD'S 64. SHOWLIZ-THAT SURE IS 65. WAYMENT-WAIT A MINUTE 66. NEM-CONTRACTION FOR AND THEM (E.G., I CAN'T WAIT 'TIL MARQUITA NEM GET HERE.) 67. YOU PUT FINGERNAIL POLISH ON PANTYHOSE TO KEEP A RUN FROM GETTING WORSE. 68. YOU BUY YOUR STOCKINGS AT THE SAME PLACE YOU DO YOUR GROCERY SHOPPING. 69. THE BEST PAIR OF SHOES YOU OWN ARE SNEAKERS. 70. YOU WEAR COLORED CONTACTS. PERIOD. 71. YOU WEAR A WATCH THAT YOU KNOW DOESN'T WORK. 72. YOU HAVE MORE SHOES THAN YOU HAVE BOOKS. 73. YOU THINK OF FATBACK AS A SOURCE OF NUTRITION. (NOTE: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS LOW-FAT FATBACK.) 74. YOU USE SALT BEFORE YOU TASTE YOUR FOOD. 75. YOU USE CATSUP ON ANYTHING OTHER THAN A HOT DOG, FRENCH FRIES, OR HAMBURGERS.

76. YOU GOT ANGRY WHEN THE GOVERNMENT STOPPED THE CHEESE PROGRAM. 77. EVERY TIME YOU HAVE MACARONI AND CHEESE, YOU FEEL A NEED TO COMMENT ON HOW NOTHING MAKES IT BETTER THAN "THE GOBMENT CHEESE." 78. YOU KNOW HOW TO MELT GOVERNMENT CHEESE. 79. YOU'RE ALWAYS EATING AT OTHER PEOPLE'S HOUSES, BUT YOU NEVER BRING ANYTHING. 80. YOU EVER THOUGHT THAT COFFEE WOULD MAKE YOU BLACK. 81. YOU PUT YOUR SALTED PEANUTS IN THE BOTTOM OF YOUR COCA-COLA. 82. YOU EAT COUGH DROPS LIKE THEY'RE CANDY. 83. YOU EAT OATMEAL BECAUSE IT STICKS TO YOUR RIBS ON A COLD DAY. 84. YOU POP OR CRACK YOUR GUM. 85. YOU'RE AT CHURCH AND PEOPLE CAN TELL WHAT YOU'LL BE HAVING FOR DINNER FROM THE SMELL OF YOUR COAT. 86. YOU EAT CHITTERLINGS, PERIOD . 87. YOU EAT THESE GHETTO SNACKS: PORK RINDS, CHITTERLINGS, MOONPIES WITH COKE, PISTACHIOS, SUNFLOWER SEEDS, PUMPKIN SEEDS, LICORICE, SALT 'N VINEGAR CHIPS, NOW 'N LATERS, JUICE-FILLED WAX, PIXIE STIX, TWISTERS, BOM POPS, PUSH-UPS, MARY JANES, LEMON HEADS, BOSTON BAKED BEANS, MR. SOFTEE, REDHOTS, FREEZPOPS, CHICK O STIX, SNOWBALLS, JIFFY POPS, CHEEZ WHIZ, POP-TARTS, CANDY STUCK TO PAPER, BLOWPOPS, CANDY NECKLACES, JAWBREAKERS, SUGAR DADDY, SUGAR MAMA, SUGARBABIES. 88. YOU DRINK THESE GHETTO BEVERAGES: YOO-HOO, MALT LIQUOR, TAHITIAN TREAT, SUGAR WATER, FANTA ORANGE, RED KOOL- AID, RED DOG, ANYTHING RED, .99 A GALLON ANYTHING, TAB, FRESCA, WATER ICE, STRAWBERRY SODA, PINEAPPLE SODA, CREAM SODA. 89. THE REAR WINDOW OF YOUR CAR IS FILLED WITH STUFFED ANIMALS. 90. YOU HAVE A CRACK ACROSS YOUR FRONT WINDSHIELD AND YOU NEVER BOTHERTO GET IT FIXED. 91. YOUR CAR COST MORE THAN YOUR HOUSE. 92. YOU DRIVE AROUND ON THE DONUT, MONTHS AFTER THE FLAT HAPPENED. 93. ANY OF THE FOLLOWING IS YOUR FAVORITE CAR: CADDY, GREMLIN, HORNET, LINCOLN, PACER, PINTO. 94. YOU CAN LEARN THE LATEST DANCES FROM YOUR CHURCH CHOIR. 95. THE OFFERING PLATE AT YOUR CHURCH GOES AROUND FIVE TIMES. 96. THE ANNOUNCEMENTS AT YOUR CHURCH ARE LONGER THAN THE SERMON. 97. EITHER THE BRIDE OR GROOM SINGS A SOLO TO EACH OTHER, OR BOTH. 98. NOBODY IN THE WEDDING CAN REALLY FIT IN HER DRESS, INCLUDING THE BRIDE. 99. THE RECEPTION MEAL WAS COOKED BY THE BRIDE'S MOTHER. 100. THERE ARE MORE GUEST AT THE RECEPTION THAN THERE WERE AT THE WEDDING. 101. THERE ARE MORE PEOPLE IN THE WEDDING THAN THERE ARE IN THE AUDIENCE. 102. EVERYBODY'S EXES WERE INVITED, BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL REMARRIED TO SOMEBODY ELSE IN THE FAMILY. 103. YOUR WEDDING DRESS IS ALSO A MATERNITY DRESS. 104. YOUR WEDDING MARCH IS ACTUALLY A MARCH. 105. YOU SING GHETTO WEDDING SONGS: "ALWAYS AND FOREVER," "I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU," "YOU AND I," "WIND BENEATH MY WINGS," "HERE AND NOW," "RIBBON IN THE SKY," "FOR ALWAYS." 106. THE DECEASED AND HIS WIDOW ARE WEARING MATCHING OUTFITS. 107. SOMEONE TRIES TO CLIMB IN THE COFFIN. 108. MORE THAN ONE PERSON THINKS THAT HE IS THE CURRENT SPOUSE OF THE DECEASED. 109. THE MAJORITY OF THE FLOWERS AT THE BURIAL SITE ARE PLASTIC, AND/OR TAKEN BACK THE FOLLOWING DAY. 110. THE SERVICE LASTS FOR HALF A DAY. 111. POLAROID SHOTS ARE BEING TAKEN OF THE DECEASED. 112. NO ONE KNEW THE DECEASED BY HIS REAL NAME. ("WHO'S RAVON WILLIAMS III, I THOUGHT HIS NAME WAS BOOKIE.") 113. MOST OF THE MOURNERS COMMENT THAT THE DECEASED DIDN'T LOOK THAT GOOD WHEN HE WAS ALIVE. 114. YOU EVER SAID THAT THE DECEASED HAS "SLIPPED AWAY." 115. YOU GO OUT TO A NIGHTCLUB, BUT YOU STAY OUTSIDE IN FRONT OF THE CLUB.

116. YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS GET YOUR PICTURE TAKEN IN FRONT OF THE WICKER FAN CHAIR. 117. YOU EVER TOOK A BUS TO A NIGHTCLUB. 118. YOU ASK PERFECT STRANGERS TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH YOU, THEN YOU TELL ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS THAT THIS IS SOMEONE YOU ACTUALLY DATED. 119. THE ONLY SONG OF THE NIGHT THAT YOU DANCE TO IS THE ELECTRIC SLIDE. YOU KNOW YOU'RE GHETTO IF YOU HEAR OR SAY ANY OF THE FOLLOWING PHRASES:

120. WHAT'S YOUR SIGN? 121. RIGHT ABOUT NOW WE'RE GONNA TAKE A PAUSE FOR THE CAUSE. 122. RIGHT ABOUT NOW WE GONNA SLOW IT DOWN JUST A TASTE. 123. IS YOU MARRIED? 124. CAN I GET THOSE 7 DIGITS? 125. YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO "FLOAT ON." 126. YOU HAVE ALL OF KENNY G.'S CDS, BUT NONE OF GERALD ALBRIGHT'S. 127. YOU'VE BEEN TO MORE THAN ONE PLAY WITH THE WORD MAMMA IN THE TITLE. 128. YOU'VE WON A GRAMMY FOR YOUR BITCH AND HO RAP RECORD, AND YOU START YOU ACCEPTANCE SPEECH WITH HE FOLLOWING PHRASE: "FIRST OF ALL,I WANT TO THANK GOD, WHO IS THE HEAD OF MY LIFE." 129. ANY OF THE FOLLOWING IS YOUR FAVORITE GROUP: CLIMAX, THE BROTHERS JOHNSON, THE SILVERS, JODECI, READY FOR THE WORLD, TINA MARIE, TARVARIS, COMMODORES FIFTH DIMENSION, JACKSONS or THE MICHAEL JACKSON 5/NOT THE JACKSON 5, 130. YOUR CHILDREN'S ONLY FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT IS SINGING IN THE WINDOW FAN. 131. YOUR CHILD DROPS HIS PACIFIER, AND YOU SANITIZE IT BY SUCKING ON IT. 132. YOU CHEW YOUR BABY'S FOOD AND THEN FEED IT TO THEM. (YOU AIN'T NO BIRD. STOP ACTING LIKE ONE.) 133. YOU EVER SENT YOUR CHILDREN TO PICK OUT THEIR OWN SWITCH. 134. YOU'VE EVER BEEN BEATEN WITH AN EXTENSION CORD. 135. YOUR MOTHER SOUNDED LIKE A RAP ARTIST WHEN SHE WAS BEATING YOU. 136. YOUR SON IS NOT EVEN FIVE YEARS OLD, BUT HE HAS HIS EARS PIERCED. 137. YOUR CHILDREN DON'T KNOW THE WORDS TO "PUNCHINELLA" OR MISS MARY MACK," BUT THEY KNOW THE LYRICS TO ALL OF SNOOP DOGG'S RECORDS. 138. YOUR CHILDREN GO TO SCHOOL SMELLING LIKE HOT BACON GREASE. 139. YOU PAY MORE FOR YOUR CHILD'S SNEAKERS THAN YOU DO FOR THEIR CHILDCARE. 140. YOU PINCH YOU NEWBORN'S NOSE TO MAKE IT THIN. 141. EVERY CHILD IN THE FAMILY HAS A DIFFERENT LAST NAME. (NOTE: THIS IS NOT A CRITICISM OF SINGLE MOTHERS. IT IS, HOWEVER, A CRITICISM OF THE FACT THAT SHE DOESN'T THINK HER NAME IS BETTER THAN THATOF THE FATHER WHO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS OWN CHILD.) 142. YOU USE ABORTION AS A FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL. 143. YOU EVER PLAYED DODGE BALL. 144. YOU EVER RAN A RACE BAREFOOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET AT APPROXIMATELY ELEVEN AT NIGHT. 145. YOU EVER PLAYED KICK THE CAN. 146. YOU EVER PLAYED KNUCKLES. 147. YOUR BASKETBALL HOOP HAS A RIM BUT NO NET. 148. YOU THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE A GYMNAST BECAUSE YOU COULD DO A HIGH FLIP ON A PISSY MATTRESS THAT SOMEBODY THREW OUT. 149. YOU'VE EVER PLAYED RED-LIGHT-GREEN-LIGHT. 150. YOU'VE EVER CHEATED IN A GAME OF MOTHER MAY I.

Marriage Jokes
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before marriage and after marriage.

MARRIAGE QUOTES

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk d own the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Three indians get lost in the forest. They ask, what are we going to do, the first indian says, do like the white men. So the first indian shoots into the sky, waits an hour, nothing! Second indian shoots in the sky, waits an hour, and still nothing. The third indian shoot into the sky, waits a min. nothing, quickly shoots again, waits an hour, and nothing. He turns to the first indian and says, well now what. The first indian goes- I dont fucking know, you just wasted my last arrows.

Ukrainian opera, packed with indians, opera is going on, the quy singing, ohhhhh ohhh ohhhhhhh . getting near the end, the guy in the show pulls out a knife and stabs the woman in the opera, then starts singing, ohhh ohhh ohhh, what have I done. An indian stands up in the crowd and yells, you mother fucker, you just killed the best piece of ass in regina An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a >construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the >Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're >iN charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you >guys to make a big dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the >pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of >it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a >fella that he awasa ina charge ofa supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I nocouldafinda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you; I thought >I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad; boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ahcouldnay fin' him either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES"!!

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in the front of the plane. Screaming, "I'm too young to die," She wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says He is gorgeous, Tall, Built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt..one button at a time...No one moves...He removes his shirt..Muscles rippleacross his chest as he reaches her, he extends the arm holding his shirt out to the trembling woman,...And whispers:......"Iron this." A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "how long before I can get a haircut? " The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried. "This is my people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster! Our population will explode unless you help us!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President. "I DO need your help," said Yeltsin, "could you possible send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why, certainly! I'll get on it right away!" said Clinton. "Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Yeltsin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin. "No problem," replied the President. With that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favour. You've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "Print, 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE--SMALL'!"

A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralysed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?" The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?" "Yes, both of them!"

It was 5 o'clock in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walked in and bellowed, "This is a birthday suit inspection! I wanna see you all formed up outside and butt naked now!" The soldiers quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sergeant walked out and yelled, "Close up the ranks and conserve your body heat!" The soldiers complied and moved closer together. The captain appeared with his swagger stick. He walked up to the first soldier and whacked him right across the chest. "Did that hurt?" he yelled. "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" The captain then walked up to the next soldier and whacked him right across the chest. "Did that hurt?" he yelled. "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" The captain was rather impressed with the toughness of the soldiers; so he walked up to a third soldier. The captain noticed that the soldier had an enormous erection, so naturally he gave his target a huge whack with the swagger stick. "Did that hurt?" he yelled. "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!" There was a Nun who has to take the same bus journey every day, and every day at a certain stop, a punk got on the bus and started to hassle the nun for sex. And everyday the bus driver would have to throw the punk off the bus. One day, as the driver was throwing the punk off the bus, he said to him "look, if you really want to have sex with this nun, I know for a fact that she goes to St. Clare's church at midnight to pray. "Thanks" replied the punk. That night, the punk hid in the church and waited for the Nun. Sure enough, at midnight, the Nun came wandering in. The punk used some priests robes that he had stolen from the church and, disguising himself as priest said to the Nun "My child, I want you to have sex with me." "Well...OK" replied the nun, "But it's the wrong time of the month so you will have to take me from behind." "No Problem" replied the punk, and proceeded to shag the nun. When he had finished he took of his robes and shouted "Ah-ha! I'm the Punk!" Upon which the nun removed her robe and shouted "Ah-ha! I'm the bus driver!" A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What would you like for Christmas?" The kid says, "A fucking swing set." Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?" The kid says, "A fucking sandbox for the side yard." Santa says, "That's no way to

talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?" The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a fucking trampoline in the front yard." Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swing set, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune." Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head. His father says, "What's wrong, son?" The kid says, "Santa brought me a fucking dog, but I can't find him." A guy walks into a bar holding a little turtle. One of the turtle's eyes is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender says, "What's wrong with your turtle?" The guy says, "Nothing. This turtle is very fast. Go and stand at the other end of the bar and call your dog. I'll bet you five hundred bucks that my turtle will be there before your dog." The bartender agrees, goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three he calls his dog. Suddenly the guy throws the turtle across the room, and it smashes! Into the wall. The guy says, "I told you it'd be there before your dog." A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man." When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop." Ramon decides to change his gender; he saves his money for years and finally goes to the operation. One week later he returns to the bar, and now he/she is a beautiful blonde. His/her friend ask him/her "Hey tell us, how that operation was like?" "Well," he/she says, "it was the worst experience I had in my life!" "Why?" asks the friend. "Well, when they put on the tits, it was aching like hell. When they cut off my dick, I felt like I could die. But then the worst was when they started cutting half of my brain..." The Millennium Party Sam has been in the newspaper business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge...Having a Millennium Party Friday Night ...Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving, he stops, "Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people." I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... Enoch stops in the door again and says, By the way, what should I wear? "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us." A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the barCheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich." A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started." The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee." The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal? After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"

A sports fan was sitting in the top row at the Super Bowl, barely able to see the field. He noticed a vacant seat about 3 rows back on the 50 yard line. It was still vacant when the 2nd quarter started, so he went down and asked the man seated next to it if anyone was sitting there. The man said, "No, have a seat." A few minutes later he asked the man if he knew whose seat this was and why they weren't here at such an important event. The man said that for ten years it had been his wife's seat but that she had passed away. Feeling sorry for the nice man, the fan asked if he didn't have a friend or family member that he could have offered the seat to instead of just leaving it vacant. The man said "No, they're all at the funeral." A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "You're so smart, you tell me! A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "`fascinate. `" Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word `fascinate. `" Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8." An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came to work late. The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day. They both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus." Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, Jake, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her Slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Jake," she whispered. "Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?" This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Why? Are you sick?" "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot." One day, a man and wife went to a nudist beach with their son. The son went in the lake, went underwater and came back up. He ran over to his father and said, "Daddy, all those men's pee-pees are bigger than yours." The father replied, "Well, they say the bigger the pee-pee, the dumber the person." So the boy went wandering for a while, and came back and asked his mother, "Mommy, all those ladies' boobies are bigger than yours." She replied, "Well, they say the bigger the boobies, the dumber they are." So the boy went wandering for awhile and then went back to his mother and said, "Mommy, Daddy's talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the more he talks, the dumber he gets!" Little Johnny comes home with a homework paper to do. He asks his dad to help him write about the difference between theory and reality. His dad says, "Go to your Mom and ask her if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars. "Little Johnny does as he is told, and Mom says, "Well, yes, I suppose I would." His dad then says, "Now go ask your big sister if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars. "Little Johnny does

this too, and Sis says, "Yes, I suppose I would." Little Johnny and his dad then sit down, and Dad says; "Now son, you've learned the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we're sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we're living with a couple of whores." Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." "Three? Well, when were they?" he asked. "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short...?" A priest was trying to raise money for his parish and being told there was good money to be had in horse racing he decided to buy a race horse and run it in local races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so high that the priest settled on a donkey instead. The priest figured that since he had purchased the donkey he might as well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey did very well and came in third place. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline: PRIEST SHOWS ASS The priest was so pleased that he decided to enter the donkey the following week and this time the donkey won first place. The headline said: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The Bishop was so outraged with this publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. The headlines read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give the donkey to a nun in a local convent. The headlines read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted. When he came around he ordered the nun to dispose of the donkey immediately. The nun searched and finally found a farmer to take the donkey for ten dollars. The headlines read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS they buried the bishop the next day. There were these three nuns that were killed in a traffic accident, and immediately sent to the Pearly Gates. As St. Peter was looking over their files, he said, "You ladies have been very good, but before I can let you in, you have to answer a question." So he asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first man that God created?" "Adam," she replied. The lights started flashing, music started playing, the angels started singing, and then two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates. Then St. Peter asked the second nun, "What was the name of the name of the first woman that God created?" "Eve," the nun said. And the lights started and two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates. Then St. Peter asked the third nun, "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" The nun, clearly confused, started scratching her head, and replied, "Gee, that's a hard one." And the lights started flashing, the music started playing... An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each on in turn. When he finished them, he comes back into to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in American, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawn in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!" Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker." Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asked, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?" "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can." That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolled over and asked, "Janet, is that you?"

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby. I want bigger boobies.'" She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock...." A guy walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?" The redneck answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, hell, I figure if I have to roll my own, she can too!" There were three girls and they were all going to get executed. One was a brunette, one was a blond, and the last was a red head. First the brunette stood in front of the executioner. He said any last words and she said no. The Executioner said ready aim... and the brunette says EARTHQUAKE and they all hide and she escapes. Next the red head comes up in front of the executioner and he says again any last words, she says no. The executioner says ready aim... and the red head says TORNADO. And they all hide and she gets away. The blond has gotten an idea to get her out of it just like the others, so Last the blond comes in front of the executioner and he says any last words she says no. He says ready aim... and the blond says FIRE! A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his Father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." A Marine colonel, on his way home from work at the Pentagon, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He noticed a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer what's the hold up?" The officer replied, "The President is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house. We're taking up a collection for him." "Oh really? How much do you have so far?" "About three hundred gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning." An unemployed man goes into the employment agency: Unemployed (Un): Hello, I need a job. Employment Agency Official (EAO): Well, lets see what we have... (Flips through some files). Yes I have a job here - washing dishes at a restaurant. Un: No, No, No... I don't like getting my hands dirty. EAO: OK lets see what else we have...Oh yes there is an opening for a security guard night shift. Un: No, No, No... I need my beauty rest, and anyway I'm a coward. EAO (getting annoyed): OK, look there is a job here as a government clerk, the hours are short, the pay is quite good and you get lots of benefits. Un: No, No, No... I can't work for this government, I voted for the opposition. EAO (pissed off): OK, look; I have something for you that involves sex and travel. Un (getting excited): Yes, Yes, Yes... EAO: F*ck Off! A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when a large Rottweiler mounted from behind her dog. The Rottweiler was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail. A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rottweiler's butt, and the action immediately stopped. The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked. The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!"

One day three men were walking through the desert desperate for water, when they came across a house. They knocked on the door and an 800 pound woman answered the door. The men said that they were in desperate need of some water and asked if she had any to spare. The women said yes but you have to have sex first. One of the men agreed to the offer. As the women was in the bathroom taking off her clothes the man found an ear of corn. He decided to use the ear of corn. When they were all done he threw the corn out the window. The man asked the women for his water. She refused to give the water to him unless he did her one more time. Once again while she was in the bathroom he found another ear of corn. He decided to do the same thing with that ear of corn. When they were done he threw that one out the window as well. The man asked for the water again and she gave the water to him. As the man walked out the door, he said to his two friends that he got some water from the lady. The two men said that they had something better. The man asked what they had. They replied, "We found two ears of corn already buttered!" A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, and roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help. "The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us." "Well, OK", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..." A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him, "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Mike, Frank and Joe were out shopping for their wives Christmas presents one morning. They all decide to meet in the food court later that afternoon to compare gifts. A few hours go by and the three of them finally hook up. Mike says to Frank, "So what did ya get your wife for Christmas?" Frank replies, "Oh, I got her a pearl necklace and a scarf. If she doesn't like the necklace she can hide it behind the scarf." "Great idea", Mike says. So Frank asks Mike what he got his wife for Christmas? Mike replies, "Oh I got her a damn diamond ring and a pair of gloves. If she doesn't like the ring she can cover it up with gloves." "Yea, Yea, good idea Mike", say's Frank. So Mike and Frank look at the Joe sitting there very quietly and ask him what he got his wife for Christmas? Joe say's, "I went and bought her a damn toaster and a dildo." Mike and Frank look at each other puzzled and ask why those two gifts? Joe relies "If she don't like the toaster she can go screw herself!!!" Three guys were drinking in a bar when a drunk came in, staggered up to them, and pointed at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mamma's the best lay in town!" Everyone expected a fight, but the guy ignored him and the drunk wandered off and bellied up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk came back, pointed at the same guy, and said, "I just screwed your mamma, and it was sweet!" Again the guy refused to take the bait and the drunk wandered off. Ten minutes later, he came back and announced, "Your mamma even let me...." Finally the guy interrupted "Go home Dad, you're drunk!" A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic! Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis, and his discomfort was quickly building. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastically, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder? I... I mean the cow seems to be in a lot of pain." "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine was programmed to release automatically once it's collected two gallons of milk."

An old man went into the confession booth at the Catholic church and told the priest: "I am 82 years old and have been faithfully married to the same woman for 55 years, but last night I had the time of my life with two 18 year old twin sisters." The Priest replied, as he mopped the sweat from his brow: "How long has it been since you've been to confession?" The old man said: "I've never been to confession, I'm Jewish." Priest: "Then what are you doing here, telling me this." Old man: "Hey, I'm telling everybody." It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court; the Police had rounded up the usual collection of streetwalkers and brought them before the Judge. Three hookers stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself. The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about, your Honour. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper." The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough 'research' by now. My computer says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine." He then turned to the second lady and requested that she testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested." This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine." He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation. The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker." Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?" She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, competition is really tough!" "Doc" says Arthur, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?", asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done", replies Arthur. "But have you thought it through properly?", asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there", says Arthur, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well", said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Arthur stared at him in horror. "Damn, THAT'S the word!!!" A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door, and a man enters. "Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?" Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?' Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his

voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not going.' Two elderly women were out driving in a large car both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh shit, am I driving?" A beautiful blonde gets on an airplane going to Los Angeles and sits in First Class. The flight attendant tells her that her ticket is for a coach seat and would she please go to her proper seat. The blonde says; "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class." "I'm sorry," says the flight attendant, "but your ticket is for coach and this seat was paid for by someone else." At which the blonde says; "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class." The flight attendant goes to the pilot with the problem. The pilot walks up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes back to her coach seat. The flight attendant askes the pilot what she said to the blonde. "It's simple," says the pilot. "I told her that first class wasn't going to Los Angeles." A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and asks, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why DO you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he couldnt communicate with me." A young Navy 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Naval Amphibious Base in Coronado, California. He'd been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the Lieutenant picked up the phone and started to pretend he was exchanging chitchat with the Base Commander. He threw Captain's and Admiral's names around and talked about letting them stay at his Daddy's ranch in Arizona, and then set up a golfing date between him, the Commander, and the CO's of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility. Finally he hung up and asked the Sergeant, "Can I help you Ensign?" The ENS said, "Yes sir, I'm here to activate your phone lines." A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact. Mary... Mary.... Is that you Fred?

Yes, I have come back like we agreed. What is it like? Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again. Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven. Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas! A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon." "That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to." "Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted. "Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset." "Don't be silly!" said the neighbour. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon," replied Willis. Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight? His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?". His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!". "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball." Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?". His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels. At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Roger!" A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?" It's after dinner when a man realizes he's out of cigarettes. He decides to pop down to the local bar for a pack, telling his wife he'll be right back. He's persuaded by the bartender to share a cold one. As he's nursing it a gorgeous blond comes in the door, but he looks the other way. She comes over and sits down. One thing leads to another and she invites him home. Back at her place they screw like rabbits until the next thing he knows it's four o'clock in the morning. Jumping out of bed, he shakes the woman awake, asking if she has any baby powder. "In the bathroom cabinet" she says. He dusts his hands, drives home at ninety, and pulls into the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand. "So where the hell have you been?" she screams. "Well, you see honey," he stammers, "I only went out for cigarettes, but Jake offered me a beer and then this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and I ended up back at her place making love..." "Wait a minute" snapped his wife, "let me see your hands." Turning on him furiously, she says, "Don't lie...you've been bowling again!"

Sexist Jokes.
Why does a man have a clear conscience? Because it's never used. Why are men so happy? Because ignorance is bliss. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there. How do men exercise at the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini. What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two to show off and shake the stove. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children. Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Why do women have small feet? So they can get close to the sink : How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? A: The joystick is wet. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. Q: What do Blondes say after sex? A: Thanks Guys. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass? A: A brain tumor. Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..." Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling out. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp? A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort. Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth! Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common? A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one. Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige? A: Lipstick on the cucumbers! Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common? A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win. Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants? A: Pick them up off the floor. Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag? A: One. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina? A1: The Blonde! A2: The other guys waiting their turn. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'? A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!" Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ? A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good. Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex. Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: She missed. Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers? A: They can't keep their calves together! Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme. Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A: Because she blows the horn! Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? A: Because she's been laid all over the country. Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men! Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A: She picks up her purse and goes home. Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? A: They both drip when they're fucked. Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? A: Locking the car door. Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A blonde parade. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Yo mama's so FAT:
she don't take pictures, she takes posters her baby pictures were taken by satellite a picture of her would fall off the wall she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out she uses a hula hoop to hold up her socks she puts on her belt with a boomerang she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors when you get on top of her your ears pop when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too the highway patrol made her wear "Caution Wide Turn" when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo she fell in love and broke it she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction she wakes up in sections when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck she's on both sides of the family everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil she fell and made the Grand Canyon She has to use a VCR as a beeper she broke her leg, and gravy poured out they have to grease the bath tub to get her out she influences the tides she stands in two time zones she cant tie her own shoes she cant reach her back pocket

that she would have been in ET, but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through tunnel when they want to clean it she accidently got a 747 caught in her teeth she stepped on a talking scale and it said @#**&^% she wears a watch on each arm One for each time zone after she gets through turning around, they throw her a welcome back party when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up she had to go to Sea World to get baptized her favorite dress is a tent she left home with high heels, she came back with flip-flops she has to iron her pants on the driveway she needs a building permit for her girdle she has to put on lipstick with a paint-roller she needed her ears pierced with a harpoon when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose when she steps on a scale, it reads "One at a time, please" when she steps on a scale, it says "To be continued" when she steps on a scale, it says "I don't do livestock" the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs when she bends over we lose an hour of daylight she has her own zip code the phone company gave her two area codes people jog around her for exercise when she wears a yellow raincoat, folks run after her yelling "TAXI" when she wears a Malcom X shirt, helicopters try to land on her she shows up on radar when she goes to a restaurant, she looks at a menu and goes, "Okay" when she goes to a restaurant, she even orders the "Thank You, Come Again" when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate when she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said "Sorry, we don't do curtains" when the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldn't identify them when she goes to the beach, the kids yell, "Free Willy" the difference between her and Moby Dick is about three pounds when she lies on the beach, no one else gets sun when she sits at the beach, Greenpeace tries to tow her back into the ocean when she sits in front of the "Hollywood" sign, you can only see the "H" and the "D" she was Miss Arizona -- class battleship she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book her senior picture had to be an aerial view she has to fly cargo class she has to wear a sock on each toe she's got shock absorbers on her toilet seat the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts she needs to put a bookmark in her folds to find her belly button when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas she sells shade in the summer cows graze by her for the shade when she went to the zoo, the elephants threw peanuts at her she got on an airplane and only the wings took off she could be the eighth continent she farted and put herself into an orbit I have to roll her over twice to get her on her back the only thing attracted to her is gravity small objects tend to orbit her her belly button's got an echo

Yo mama's so STUPID:
she got hit by a parked car she looks for the Sunday paper on Tuesdays she put your puppy in the oven to make a hot dog

she bought a solar-powered flashlight she invented glow-in-the-dark sunglasses /water-proof teabag/wheelchair with pedals she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away the W's she thought Taco Bell was a phone company in Mexico she spent twenty minutes staring at the orange juice carton because it said "Concentrate" I strangled her with a cordless phone she sent me a fax with a stamp on it she sits on the TV and watches the sofa she asked me what kind of jeans I had on, I said "Guess", and she said "uh, Levi's?" she stands up on an empty bus when I asked her to buy me a color TV, she asked me what color when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign, she went home and got 16 friends she went to a 24-hr store and asked what time they closed she broke into a furniture store and slept on the floor she only has one toe on each foot, but she bought a pair of flip flops she writes "Thank You" notes for her bills

Yo mama's so UGLY:
your daddy takes her to work so he doesn't need to kiss her goodbye she makes blind kids cry when she threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back the psychiatrist makes her lie face-down when she passes by your bathroom, the toilet flushes when she gets up, the sun goes down when she was born, they put her in an incubator with tinted windows when she was born, the doctor slapped her mother when she was born, her mom said, "What a treasure!"; and your dad replied, "Yeah, let's go bury it" when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end the government moved Halloween to her birthday instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck they push her face into the dough to make gorilla cookies when I took her to the zoo, a guy at the door said, "Thanks for bringing her back" the prince would rather live as a frog than kiss her her mom had to feed her with a slingshot her parents first named her "Accident" they knew what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock! she took your dog to the Canine Show and won your dog came in second

Funny jokes
Never Fall Asleep In Church (Rated PG) One day Mr Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin." In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again. He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!

Voodoo Dick (Rated X)

Voodoo Dick There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing,nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoodick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would

be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right... Voodoo dick, my ass!" Doing the Dishes (Rated X)

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.

"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

Mommy . . . What is Courting? (Rated X) One day little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom about curting. Flustered, she replied, "Tonight go watch your sister when she comes home with her boyfriend. That's courting." The next day, Johnny tells his mother what happened. "Well, Sis and her boyfriend came home last night and sat on the couch. They started kissing and stuff and I think sis was getting sick because she kept making faces. Her boyfriend must have thought so to, because he started feeling for her heartbeat like the doc. He wasn't as good as the Dr. though, he missed an awful lot. That's when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis said she was really hot. Then her boyfriend ripped off her blouse and bra, and I saw why he couldn't get to her heart, there were these big bumps on her chest! He then ripps off her skirt and undies and she has grown a lot of hair there, she should clean it more often. I guess her boyfriend thought so to because he started sucking there, licking and using his fingers. Then sis yelled out to God and unzipped her boyfriend's pants. This big snake jumped out and sis started to try and bite it's head off. She stopped trying and then it squirted all

over the couch. Then sis took off his pants and sat on the snake, I think they were trying to squish it. Sis started to bounce up and down on it. She said it was nearly as big as Daddy's! Suddenly, she stopped and said she wasn't on anything, but her boyfriend said it was too late. They had both cum. So, did I explain it right?" His mom fainted.

Dumb Blond Jokes!!

1)Q:What is the first thing a blond does when they wake up? A:They go home. 2)Q:What is the difference between a telephone and a blond? A:It's thirty-five cents to use the phone. 3)Q:What does a good basketball team have in common with a bad basketball team, a group of men and a blond? A:Everyone scores. 4)Q:What is the mating call of a blond? A:"I'm so Drunk" 5)Q:Why do blonds have TGIF written on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First 6)Q:Here about the blond that got an AM radio? A:It took her a month to find out that you can play it in the afternoon. 7)Q:Why Cant blonds dial 911? A:they cant find the 11 button. 8)Q:Why do blond smile during lightning storms? A:they think their picture has been taken. 9)Q:What did the blond say when she saw the YMCA sign? A:"hey look, they spelled macy's wrong!! 10)Q:Why did the blond stare @ the orange juice container? A:It said concentrate 11)A blonde and a brunnet where walking when the brunnet said "Oh look a dead bird" The blond looked up and said "Where,Where" 12)Q:What do you do if a blonde throws a pin @ you? A:RUN, she has a grenade in her mouth!!!! 13)Three blondes were driving to disneyland.After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sing that said "disneyland"LEFT",so they turned turned around and went home. 14)Q:What do SMART blondes have in common with UFO's? A:You hear about them,but don't see them. 15)Q:Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman as opposed to a regular one? A:You have to hollow out the head. 16)Q:How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eye?

A:Shine a light in her ear. 17)Q:What happend to the blonde hockey team? A:They drowned during spring training 18)Q:How can you tell when a blonde sent you a fax? A:There is a stamp on it. 19)Q:How do you drowned a blonde? A:Put a scratch and sniff sticker @ the bottum of a pool. 20)Q:How do you make a blond laugh on Saturday? A:Tell her a joke on Wednsday.

Haven't you ever had the urge to loose control when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?
1. Ask for last months specials. 2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up. 3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired. 4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days. 5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese. 6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer. 7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through. 8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order. 9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again. 10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires. 11. Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner. 12. Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel. 13. Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at. 14. Go through drive through naked, excluding the rabbit slippers of course! 15. Go inside and ask in a load voice if they got rid of the Ebola problems they've been having 16. Argue with your passenger (that's not there) and continue until you pay. 17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind. 18. After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund. 19. As you're pulling away and they say "Have a nice day!" (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean. 20. Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say "No thank you this tastes better (pointing to bag from other place), may i have my money back."

21. Play name that tune with person taking the order. 22. Pretend your deaf and order in sign language. 23. Go through Taco Bell order the 7 layer burrito. When they repeat your order ask if each layer of the burrito is sold separately. 24. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that. 25. Go through a drive through after they tell you to pull to the window drive past it and go inside to get your order.

A Male Driver's Observation:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass a new car something like every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. ! Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as Dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females Carry weapons and this number is increasing. This means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that

has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed. Flip one off? I think not.

Jokes
ARKANSAS CITY (EPA) -- A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sun roof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye witnesses. Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty car pile up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was Jesus. "She started screaming "He's back, He's back" and climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene. "I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said. She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say. "This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene. Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was dressed up as Jesus and was on his way to a toga costume party when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow up sex dolls filled with helium which floated up into the air. Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration, and said "Come back here," just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into the sky as they passed by him, according to her husband, who says his wife loved Jesus more than anything else. When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."

The story behind the letter below is that there is a man who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This is the actual response from the Smithsonian Institute, which is obligated to accept submissions and reply to the person who sent them. _____________ Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C. 20078 Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post, Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids. 3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: 1. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. 2. Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny

Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin in origin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institute, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your backyard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating illifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. Yours in science, Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:

....she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ....she thought a quarterback was a refund. ....she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. ....she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. ....she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. ....she thought General Motors was in the army. ....she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. ....she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. ....under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics." ....she tripped over a cordless phone. ....she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." ....she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY." ....at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius." ....she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. ....she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." ....she sold the car for gas money! ....when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. ....when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. ....when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. ....she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. ....if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. ....she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. ....she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front." ....she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. ....she studied for a blood test.

Jokes
Three indians get lost in the forest. They ask, what are we going to do, the first indian says, do like the white men. So the first indian shoots into the sky, waits an hour, nothing! Second indian shoots in the sky, waits an hour, and still nothing. The third indian shoot into the sky, waits a min. nothing, quickly shoots again, waits an hour, and nothing. He turns to the first indian and says, well now what. The first indian goes- I dont fucking know, you just wasted my last arrows.

Ukrainian opera, packed with indians, opera is going on, the quy singing, ohhhhh ohhh ohhhhhhh . getting near the end, the guy in the show pulls out a knife and stabs the woman in the opera, then starts singing, ohhh ohhh ohhh, what have I done. An indian stands up in the crowd and yells, you mother fucker, you just killed the best piece of ass in regina An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a >construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the >Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're >iN charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you >guys to make a big dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the >pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of >it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a >fella that he awasa ina charge ofa supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I nocouldafinda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you; I thought >I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad; boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ahcouldnay fin' him either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES"!!

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in the front of the plane. Screaming, "I'm too young to die," She wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says He is gorgeous, Tall, Built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt..one button at a time...No one moves...He removes his shirt..Muscles rippleacross his chest as he reaches her, he extends the arm holding his shirt out to the trembling woman,...And whispers:......"Iron this." A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "how long before I can get a haircut? " The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

Blond Jokes
How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday? Tell her a joke on Monday. Three blondes are hiking through the forest when they find some tracks. The first blonde says "They're deer tracks." The second blonde says "They're bear tracks." The third blonde says "They're wolfs tracks." Then a train hits them. A blonde walks into a library and says, Can I have a cheeseburger and fries?" The librarian looks very confused and says, Do you know that this is a library?!" The blonde says oh I'm sorry I didn't know." She then whispers, Can I have a cheeseburger and fries?"

Why didnt the blonde's leggs know each other? Because they never met. A blonde and a brunette women were walking along the road when the brunette women says "Hey look a dead bird", so the blonde women looks up and goes "Where?!?!". A sweet young thing gets to a soft drink machine just ahead of a businessman who wants to quench his thirst. She opens her purse and puts in 50 cents, studies the buttons for a short time, pushes a Diet Coke selection and out comes a Diet Coke. She puts it on the counter by the machine. Then she reaches into her purse again, takes out a dollar and inserts it in the machine. She examines the buttons carefully, then pushes the button for Coke Classic. Out comes a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately takes the change and puts it in the machine, studies the buttons for a moment and pushes the Mountain Dew button. Out pops a Mountain Dew. As she is reaching into her purse again, the thirsty businessman says, "Excuse me, miss, but are you putting more money in?" She looks at him and replies indignantly, "Well, duhhh. I'm still winning." Why did the Blonde jump off the building? She thougt her maxi pad had wings. What do you call a blonde with a dollar on top of her head? All you can eat under a buck. How can you tell a blonde had a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette. What is the difference between a blonde and a penny? A penny has more cents. What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? You keep hearing about them, but never see any. What does a blonde say during a porno? There I am! Why can't blondes dial 911? They can't find the eleven on the phone.

Did you hear about the blonde who died drinking milk? The cow fell on her. What do you call a blonde in college? A visitor. Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their mercedes with a wire coat hanger. The girl with the hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath when her friend said anxiously, "hurry up! it's starting to rain and the top is down!"

Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First. A blonde walks into an appliance store and says to the clerk, "I want to buy that TV over there." He says in return, "I'm sorry, we don't sell stuff to blondes." The next day, she comes in with red hair and says, "I want to buy that TV over there." He says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell things to blondes." The next day, she comes in with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV over there." He says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell things to blondes." Frustrated, she says, "How do you know Im a blonde?" He replies, "That's not a TV. It's a microwave."

What Do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted I know a blond so stupid that she got locked in a bathroom and peeed in her pants! Three mothers were sitting having tea together. One was a Red head, one was a brunette, and the other was blonde. The red head said, " I was cleaning my daughters room today and I found a pack of cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter SMOKES! " The brunette said, " That's weird, I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day, and I found a bottle of beer, I can't believe she DRINKS! " The blonde said, " How strange, I was cleaning my daughters room the other day, and I found a condom, I can't believe she has a PENIS!

What's the difference between an intelligent Spice Girl and a UFO? Don't know, I haven't seen either. Stay tuned for Holyfield/Tyson III on Pay Per Chew. They took a survey of 10,000 women in Washington DC, and asked "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?" 86% said "Never again". THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory) THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy) THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did) THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored) THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes) THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back) THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows

It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets. What's the worst part about seeing 5 lawyers in Cadillac go over a cliff? Cadillacs seat six. How do you know when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetary Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got first pick. A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hires a famous Asian detective to observe and inform him of any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report: Most honorable sir: You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree, not see. NO FEE How do you spot a modern spider? He doesn't have a web, he has a website. What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? It's butt. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call it... it's not gonna come anyway!

Jokes
Q: Why is anal sex better then normal sex? A: It's warm, it's tight and more degrading to women. Q : What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl? A : Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone. Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics? A: Not being retarded. Q: What's blue and fucks old people? A: Hypothermia. Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter? A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her . Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. Q: What is the definition of "making love"? A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. Q: Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape?

A: So it doesn't explode when you fuck it. Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common? A: They don't fucking listen. Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts? A: Gonorrhoea. Q: What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire? A: Drowns. Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A: You know she'll swallow. Q: Why did God create yeast infections? A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.

Redneck Jokes
Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen. ----------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved. ----------------------------------------------------------------------What's the most popular pick up line in Alabama? Nice tooth! ----------------------------------------------------------------------Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead." ----------------------------------------------------------------------How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married? There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck. ----------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of

the high schools! ----------------------------------------------------------------------What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi? A documentary. ----------------------------------------------------------------------How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic. ----------------------------------------------------------------------Why did God invent armadillos? So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell. ----------------------------------------------------------------------Where was the toothbrush invented? Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush. ----------------------------------------------------------------------Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years. ----------------------------------------------------------------------Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA. ----------------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. ----------------------------------------------------------------------A new law recently passed in North Carolina: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister. ----------------------------------------------------------------------What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas? -- I-40. ----------------------------------------------------------------------Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying amsack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmmm . . . five?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer. ----------------------------------------------------------------------A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted. ----------------------------------------------------------------------What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room? A full set of teeth.

The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes V.5.0.1 ----------------------------------------

Blond Jokes
1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! 2. Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone. 3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. 4. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. 5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. 6. Q: How does a blonde part their hair? A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart) A2: By doing the splits. 7. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together! 8. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. 9. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! 10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job. 11. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A1: She'd just dyed her hair. A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much. 12. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. 13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. 14. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment? A: An IN-body experience! 15. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.

16. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common? A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked. 17. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme. 18. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. 19. Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle? A: Shine a torch in her ears. 20. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. 21. Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A: There's writing on the white-out. 22. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. 23. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you. 24. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9. 25. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! 26. Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. 27. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads. 28. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. 29. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? A: All you can eat, under a buck. 30. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. 31. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A1: They can't find the zipper. A2: They cant find the pull tab. 32. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles. 33. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings? A: To put their feet through. 34. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. 35. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop.

36. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick? A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole." 37. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator? A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers. 38. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators? A: They chip their teeth. 39. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? A: They make good ankle warmers. 40. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their underwear. 41. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts? A: Cause their balls show! 42. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" 43. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" 44. Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing? A: She was run over by the zambonis machine. 45. Q: What's a brunette's mating call? A: Has that blonde gone yet? A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!? A3: "All the blondes have gone home!" 46: Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs? A: Because they can spell it. 47. Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada) A: Because they can spell it. 48. Q: What is 74 to a blonde? A: 69 plus G.S.T. 49. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First. 50. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? A: Tits Go In Front. 51. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter. 52. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block. 53. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer. 54. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." 55. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning? A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

56. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces themself. A2: Walks home. 57. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? A: Fertilized. 58. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs? A: Unfertilized. 59. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door. 60. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex? A: Kick open the car door. 61. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering? A: More head room. 62. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? A: More leg room. 63. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde? A: Bucket seats. 64. Q: A1: A2: A3: A4: What do blondes say after sex? "Thanks, Guys!" "Are you boys all in the same band?" Do you guys all play for the <team name>? Who were all those guys?

65. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn. 66. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? A: Because she's been laid all over the country. 67. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate? 68. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? A: *Who cares?* 69. Q: Why do blondes have orgasms? A: So they know when to stop having sex! 70. Q: A1: A2: A3: A4: A5: A6: A7: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm? She drops her nail-file! Who cares? She says, "Next". The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder. He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes. I mean, who really cares? The batteries have run out.

71. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!" 72. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer. 73. Q: Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings? A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping. 74. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?

A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil. 75. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ? A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?" 76. Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A1: Because they don't know any better. A2: They are easier to keep amused. 77. Q: A1: A2: A3: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? "What's a lightbulb?" One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

78. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!" 79. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A wine cellar. 80. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide. 81. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? A: They're doing research on black holes. 82. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A1: They both have a black box. A2: Both have a cockpit. 83. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747. 84. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine? A: Not everybody has been in a limo. 85. Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth? A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine? 86. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's mine?" 87. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. 88. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring. 89. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper. 90. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side. 91. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

92. Q: Why do blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. 93. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling out. 94. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? A: Because her boyfriend was also blond! 95. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. 96. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up! 97. Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde? A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys. 98. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend. 99. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush. 100. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde? A: Butter is difficult to spread. 101. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball. A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke. A4: You don't eat your bowling ball 102. Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter. 103. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic". 104. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted. 105. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone. 106. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count. 107. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York? A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men. 108. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week. 109. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age. 110. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets. 111. Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?

A: They're both empty from the neck up. 112. Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them. 113. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. 114. Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots. 115. Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head? A: Sweet Fuck All... 116. Q: How do you drown a blonde? A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. A2: Don't tell her to swallow. A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. 117. Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool? A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. 118. Q: Why do blondes have square boobs? A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box. 119. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies? A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties. A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit. A3: Two...one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms. 120. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping? A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard. 121. Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date? A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home. 122. Q: What's the blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..." 123. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change. 124. Q: How does a blonde moonwalk? A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor! 125. Q: Why do blondes find it difficult to marry? A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex! 126. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do. 127. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month? A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds." 128. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. 129. Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it. 130. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

131. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? A: "Nice tits!" 132. Q: How does a blonde high-5? A: She smacks herself in the forehead. 133. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. 134. Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts? A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor. 135. Q: Why do blondes have legs? A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground. A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen. A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails. 136. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home? A: It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was a television. 137. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina? A1: The blonde! A2: The other guys waiting their turn. 138. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered. 139. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives? A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1". 140. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz"? A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits." 141. Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes. 142. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A: Frosted Flakes. 143. Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9? A: A 69 interrupted by a period. 144. Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. 145. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!" 146. Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow? A1: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits. A2: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo. 147. Q: Why don't blondes breast feed? A: Because they always burn their nipples. 148. Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men! 149. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the valve stem.

150. Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot. 151. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A: A Space Invader. 152. Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group? A: Air Supply. 153. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head. 154. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's? A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE! 155. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night! 156. Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes. 157. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. 158. Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. 159. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon. A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home. 160. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A: A blonde electrician. 161. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A1: So brunettes can remember them. A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit. A3: So men can understand them. 162. Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde? A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children! 163. Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A1: A golden retriever. A2: A labrador. A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover. 164. Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. 165. Q: Why do blondes have periods? A: They deserve them. 166. Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute? A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally. 167. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob. 168. Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period? A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

169. Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"? A: She liked to be filled with cream. 170. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist? A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?" 171. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes? A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good. 172. Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor? A: By the ears. 173. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. 174. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy? A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them. 175. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading. 176. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's. 177. Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car? A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche. 178. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? A: Last year's hide and seek champ. 179. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant? A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest. 180. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies? A: One's a bunch a cunning runts. 181. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal? A: One's a busy ditch. 182. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet? A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it. 183. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo." 184. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own. 185. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks after 6 months. 186. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline. 187. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde? A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says, "Are you done already?" The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." 188. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: What will she ask you?

A: "Is it mine?" 189. Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A: An air bag. 190. Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A: Cause she blows the horn! 191. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on? A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. 192. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. 193. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light. 194. Q: What is happening when you hear varoom...screech, varoom...screech, varoom...screech.....? A: A blonde trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing red light. 195. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

196. Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter". 197. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead. 198. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead. 199. Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? A: She can't say "No". 200. Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican? A: Retardo. 201. Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor. 202. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. 203. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces. 204. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers. 205. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air. 206. Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. 207. Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor? A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.

208. Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it! 209. Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station? A: The Air Pump! 210. Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear! 211. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex. 212. Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver. 213. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road? A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!? A2: I don't know. R: Neither did she. 214. Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: She missed. 215. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on her. 216. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms. 217. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand. 218. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?" 219. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving. 220. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?" "Driver's licence? What's that?..." "It's a little card with your picture on it." "Oh, duh! Here it is..." "May I have your car insurance?" "What's that?..." "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car." "Oh this? Duh! Here you go..." The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!" 221. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

222. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends: Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy. 223. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. 224. What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins? He wanted to know who the other man was... 225. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainlandand estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back. 226. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull you finger out, I'll sink?" 227. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguig, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train. 228. The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook." 229. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

230. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!" Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly." 231. A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..." 232. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia... 233. A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!" 234. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and C?". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7" 235. A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with. 236. Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her." 237. ... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today"

238. Q. How can you tell that a blonde's having a bad day. A. She has a tampon tucked under her year, and she can't find her pencil. 239. Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? A: The rest are hunt'n peckers. 240. Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law? A: An air bag. 241. Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee? A: It's too hard to re-train them. 242. Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men. A: Their heels.

243. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route. 244. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. 245. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board. 246. Q: What is foreplay for a blonde? A: Thirty minutes of begging. 247. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once. 248. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth? A1: You need a quarter to use the phone. A2: Only one person can use the phone at once. 249. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen. 250. Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt." 251. Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. 252. Q: How do you plant dope? A: Bury a blonde. 253. Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses? A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades. 254. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her. 255. Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ? A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum) 256. Q: How does a blonde get pregnant? A: And I thought blondes were dumb! 257. Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS? A: A know-it-all bitch. 258. Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde? A: One's a phony buck. 259. Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician? A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts. 260. Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? A: One that never misses a period. 261. Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is? A: An Italian suppository. 262. Q: Why don't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands? A: Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place. 263. Q: What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and

eating Jell-o? A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it. 264. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? A1: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do. A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood. 265. Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses? A: She was having sunny periods. 266. Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant? A: Her feet! 267. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose? A: When she farts, her knees bag. 268. Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist? A: Marriage. 269. Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan? A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat. 270. Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde? A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on. 271. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way. 272. Q: How do ya paralyze a blonde from the neck down? A: Marry her. 273. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her. 274. Q: How did the blonde burn her nose? A: Bobbing for french fries. 275. Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A: She has a checkbook. 276. Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it. 277. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. 278. Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS? A: Lipstick. 279. Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? A: So she can have a doggie bag for later. n like blonde jokes?? A: Because they can understand them. 281. Q: Why do blondes like lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture. 282. Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead? A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it! 283. Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?

A: From eating with forks. 284. Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons? A: From dating blonde men. 285. Q: Why do blondes wear tampons? A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too. 286. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ? A: Wishful Thinking. 287. Q: Why don't blondes double recipes? A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees. 288. Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter. 289. Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A1: They can't remember the number. A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons. 290. Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes? A: A brunette with bad breath. 291. Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations. 292. Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? A: They pull up their pants. 293. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool? A: Air bubbles. 294. Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing on a street corner? A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks! 295. Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian? A: A waste. 296. Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground? A: An air mattress. 297. Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW? A: Divorcee' 298. Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes? A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks. 299. Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what? 300. Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass? A: A brain tumor. 280. Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?? A: Because they can understand them. 281. Q: Why do blondes like lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture. 282. Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead? A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

283. Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? A: From eating with forks. 284. Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons? A: From dating blonde men. 285. Q: Why do blondes wear tampons? A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too. 286. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ? A: Wishful Thinking. 287. Q: Why don't blondes double recipes? A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees. 288. Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter. 289. Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A1: They can't remember the number. A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons. 290. Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes? A: A brunette with bad breath. 291. Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations. 292. Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? A: They pull up their pants. 293. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool? A: Air bubbles. 294. Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing on a street corner? A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks! 295. Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian? A: A waste. 296. Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground? A: An air mattress. 297. Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW? A: Divorcee' 298. Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes? A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks. 299. Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what? 300. Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass? A: A brain tumor. 301. Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down? A: Two brunettes. 302. Q: What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common? A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday. Q2: What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev? A: He knows who the ten men were.

303. Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. 304. Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU? A: Too many blondes were drowning. 305. Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq? A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water. 306. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". 307. Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car. 308. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. 309. Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian? A: Because she loved children. 310. Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first? A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions. 311. Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard? A: Grade 4. 312. What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? A: Third Grade. 313. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator? A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it. 314. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes. 315. Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds? A: Because at 69 they blow a rod... 316. Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist? A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. 317. Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman? A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub. 318. Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? A: They both drip when they're fucked. 319. Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry" A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry! 320. Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? A: It swells at night. 321. Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?" A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!" 322. Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

323. Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? A: Locking the car door. 324. Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test? A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat. 325. Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. 326. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A blonde parade. 327. Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold? A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out. 328. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe. 329. I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them. 330. A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street. 331. Did you hear about the blonde who: 1 had more on her body than on her mind? 2 was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean? 3 took an hour to cook Minute Rice? 4 got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up? 5 was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient? 6 7 had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs? 8 thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates? 9 was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat? 10 after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls? 11 went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker? 12 brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam? 332. Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back". The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception". The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!" 333. There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby concieved ?" "He was on top ", she replyed. "You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply. "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor. With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears. "Whats the matter ?" asked the doc. "Am I going to have puppies ?"..... 334. Blondes... They take a lickin', and keep on... Lickin! 335. Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears? 336. Confucious say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up. 337. At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes latter, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!" 338. This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?" "They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax." "Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on." 339. Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms." 340. Another blonde in the porno shop: She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white

dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!" 341. After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, herealizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those." 342. Blonde Medical Terminology

Anally -- occurring yearly Artery -- study of paintings Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U Caesarian section -- district in Rome Cat scan -- searching for kitty Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her Colic -- sheep dog Coma -- a punctuation mark Congenital -- friendly D&C -- where Washington is Diarrhea -- journal of daily events Dilate -- to live long Enema -- not a friend Fester -- quicker Fibula -- a small lie Genital -- non-Jewish G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game Grippe -- suitcase Hangnail -- coathook Impotent -- distinguished, well known Intense pain -- torture in a teepee Labour pain -- got hurt at work Medical staff -- doctor's cane Morbid -- higher offer Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate Node -- was aware of Outpatient -- person who had fainted Pap smear -- fatherhood test Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis Post operative -- letter carrier Protein -- favouring young people Rectum -- damn near killed 'em Recovery room -- place to do upholstery Rheumatic -- amorous Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf Secretion -- hiding anything Seizure -- Roman emperor Serology -- study of knighthood Tablet -- small tablet Terminal illness -- sickness at airport Tibia -- country in North Africa Tumour -- an extra pair Urine -- opposite of you're out Varicose -- located nearby Vein -- conceited 343. Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. 344. Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant? A: Blow in her ear.

345. Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? A: To keep her ankles warm. 346. Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day? A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette. 347. Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? A: Way to go team! 348. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator? A: By the chipped tooth. 349. Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.) 350. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: To keep from bruising their ears. 352. Why does a blonds bra say T.G.I.F? Tits go in first. 352. Q: Why do blondes have vaginas? A: So guys will talk to them at parties. 353. Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle? A: Rebel without a clue. 354. Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WITH A RUNNY NOSE? A: Full. 355. Imitation of a blonde refuelling.. (Flap hand, blowing air into ears) 356. Q: WHY DON'T BLONDES BREASTFEED THEIR BABIES? A: It hurts too much when they boil their nipples. 357. Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?" A: "No, I just lie there." 358. Q: What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning? A: "Thanks, guys..." 359. Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL 10 BLONDES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL? A: AIR POCKETs. 360. Q: A: 361 Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? They're too hard to peel.

What did Jimmy Swaggart pay for his prostitute and her four blonde friends? A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks. What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: "Space. The final frontier......"

362. Q:

363. Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team? A: Just One... Boomer Esiason. 364. Q: A: What's brown and red and black and blue? A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

365. Q: A: 366. Q: A: 367. Q:

What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner? You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms. Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? So she could keep the refriderator cold.

How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: She fell out of the tree. What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought.

368 Q: A:

369. Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? A: One. 370. Q: A: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ? She didn't know what ONE came first...

371 Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex? A1: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers. A2: Their mothers told them not with there mouths full. 372 Q: A: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? Divorced.

373 Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole? A: Divorced. 374. A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?" 375. Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage? Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week. Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out. 376. Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!

377. Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp? A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.

378 Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde? A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night. 379. Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license? "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"

380. Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes with yeast infections? A: A wine and cheese party! 381. Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers liscence ? A: She wasn't used to the front seat! 382. (Visual Joke)

Q: What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first time? A: "How do you shift this thing?" (you make jacking off motions) 383. Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A: She picks up her purse and goes home. 384. Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden. 385. Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag? A: One. 386. Q: What's the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde and a Schwinn at the side of the road? A: One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's . . . . 387. Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.? Blonde: I don't know. Why? Teller: It was easier to spell. Blonde: Easier than what? 388. Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian? A: She liked kids... 389 Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon? A: Far-from-thinkin 390 Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean? A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna. 391 Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer? A: She slipped off and fell down the drain. And the finale 392. Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth? A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the Blonde Joke

THINGS TEACHERS WOULD LOVE TO WRITE ON A STUDENTS REPORT CARD BUT CANT
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has starte to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. This student has delusions of adequacy. 4. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 5. This student sets low standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 6. The student has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic sling to hold it all together. 7. Student has been working with glue too much. 8. When the students IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell. 9. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isnt coming. 10. If this student were any more stupid, hed have to be watered twice a week. 11. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead. 12. Your child is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 13. If your child had two brain cells, theyd kill each other.