Reasons, changes and strategies in quitting drug abuse among
non-treatment seeking drug users Irish Pauline L. Ereo, Charmaine Samihah F. Ruado and Inst. Carinez Dela Cruz, M.A.
ABSTRACT: Much has been written on the peoples patterns of drug use and the varying factors that impel them into addiction and subsequently into recovery. However, there is a limited number of information on non-treatment seeking individuals or those people who managed to fully recover on their own without any formal treatment or mutual help and how they make meaning of their recovery process. Drawing from the data collected through informal interviews, we examine the full detailed experiences of the ten participants and came up with the construct of four motivating factors that made them to finally stop using drugs: the impact on health, social alienation, new interests, and the belief that one can quit. We also share the related emotions, thinking, and source of motivation, but more so the overall process of their recovery through the use only of their work, family, and friends.
INTRODUCTION You can be motivated by fear, you can be motivated by rewards, but both of these methods are only temporary. The only lasting thing is self motivation. Sullo, 2007 As cited by Fields (2007), both the National Council on Alcoholism and the American Medicinal Association states that addiction is considered to be a chronic relapsing disease. For this particular study, we will be focusing more on drug addiction. Drug addiction is typically applied to cases in which a licit or illicit drug is repeatedly used or consumed in ways to produce some form of clinically significant impairments or distress (Giovazolias & Davis, 2005; Laudet, Becker, & White 2009). If persistent over time, the physical, emotional, and social aspect of the person changes, and will progress as long as the using continues (Fields, 2007). As the disease progresses, the individual will often redirect their time and energy away from other significant life concerns such as work, family or friends (Giovazolias & Davis, 2005; Fields, 2007). Their life would just revolve around drugs and nothing else. Such use is physically hazardous, may result in the users failure to fulfill role expectations and may cause legal problems or cause intrapersonal and social problems for the user (Laudet, Becker, & White, 2009). These negative consequences, together with their hope for a better life, a normal life, are one of the main reasons 2
for them for wanting to stop addiction and for seeking help (Laudet, Becker, & White, 2009). All motivational theorists claim that all human beings have an innate tendency towards growth, integration and health (Fiest & Fiest, 2009; Sharma & Smith, 2011). And this motivation to change is an important part in their recovery (Conner, Longshore, & Anglin, 2009; Hiller, et al., 2009; Korcha, et al., 2011; Laudet, Becker, & White, 2009). According to them, if only these people will have the readiness and the eagerness to change, then they will have the capacity to overcome their addiction and to finally take control of their lives. There are two types of motivation: the intrinsic and the extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation refers to the motivation that comes from the person himself such as their personal enjoyment, interest, or pleasure, rather than from any external or outside rewards or reinforcements (Lai, 2011). Note, however, that some theorists discount the role of extrinsic rewards in developing a strong achievement orientation and argue, instead, that achievement is linked to more intrinsic forms of motivation (Franken, 2007; Fiest & Fiest, 2009; Deci & Ryan, 1991). A number of motivation theorists believe that skill acquisition occurs partly for extrinsic reasons but largely for intrinsic reasons. According to Deci (1972), rewards reduce intrinsic motivation for it discourages the feelings of competence and self- determination of the person. He argues that extrinsic rewards place the motivation for learning outside the individual and, as a result, the individual no longer experiences feelings of competency and self determination. Learning based on external demands teaches responses rather than rules or understanding (Franken, 2007; Deci, 1991). The individual merely imitates another persons behavior or learns a sequence of responses that somehow works. Although such responding may work in certain situations, it wont work when the task demands are shifted. Individuals high in achievement motivation are more inclined to select difficult tasks if evaluation is internal and moderately difficult tasks when evaluation is external (Franken, 2007; Deci, 1991). Several studies suggest that people are most likely to give up an addiction when they make a clear decision to do so, which means that when they say to themselves they can control their behavior, they change (Bandura, 1999; Franken, 2008). Now, when we talk about non-treatment seeking individual, that doesnt mean that they dont want to get help or that they dont want to get cured, for its completely the opposite of that. When we talk about non-treatment seeking individuals, we are mainly talking about those people who abstain themselves from drugs without any formal treatment or mutual help. They keep themselves away from drugs only by their own internal motivation to change. Data from people who quit addictions indicate that most people do it on their own (Franken, 2007; Boyd, et al., 2005; Copersino, et al., 2006; Dean, Saunders, & Bell, 2011). The success rate is typically much higher for non-treatment seeking individuals (self-initiated change) than for treatment-seeking individuals (other-initiated change) (Franken, 2007; Bandura, 1999). When people are placed in 3
programs designed to educate and train them, without making a commitment to themselves that they will change, they often fail. Success in beating addictions seems to start with the belief that we can control our behavior and the decision that we want to change our behavior (Bandura, 1999). Unless we believe that we can change our behavior, we cant. If we dont want to change our behavior, we wont. Once were addicted to a drug, we dont have to stay addicted. We have a choice. And most professionals agree that while addiction cannot be cured, it can be managed (Polcin, et al., 2010). And the most effective means of addiction management is abstinence (Polcin, et al., 2010). They are to be instructed to stay away from people who use drugs and to surround themselves with individuals who can help themselves to prevent substance use. They must learn to develop strategies for dealing with their addiction and to recover from setbacks (Bandura, 1999). Unfortunately, these are not always so easy to follow especially when there are so many lures and temptations around you. According to Kalivas and Volkow (2005), among the most menacing characteristics of drug addiction is the persistent desire of the person to take drugs even after many years of abstinence. This problem is especially challenging to deal with because many drug addicts get stuck in denial and refuse to admit to their problem or the effects its having to them and the people around them. They will manipulate themselves, as a defense mechanism, into thinking that it is okay for them to continue drug use (egetgoing.com, 2012). By not acknowledging that they do have a problem, they can keep away from facing the need to stop using drugs, but this mustnt be so. The transition from being a using addict to becoming a recovering addict may be considered a kind of resocialization process (Grant, 2007). This resocialization process will help them to create new social environments and new courses of action to bond with others and to keep away from previous habits of drug use. This is important because recovery is not simply about treating their drug addiction, but also about making sense of the past and empowering themselves to take control of the future (scie.org.uk, 2007). It is a process of them identifying and replacing what was referred to as their unhealthy cognitive and behavioral patterns with their new, healthy ones. Recovery is a life-long process, and in order to fully stay in it, you have to want it, you have to pursue it. As cited by Sullo (2007), William Glasser notes that What happens outside of us has a lot to do with what we choose to do, but the outside event does not cause our behavior. What we get, and all we ever get, from the outside, is information; how we choose to act on that information is up to us, which means that we are all responsible for the things we do. According to the Choice Theory, allbehavior is chosen (Sullo, 2007; Davenport, 2011; Geraldine, 2010). Therefore the motivation for such action is always going to be intrinsic. Glassers Choice Theory hypothesized that every human being make up their own Quality World that embodies the total point of view and understanding of the world of the person 4
such as their relationships, experiences, possessions, and beliefs (Sullo, 2007; Davenport, 2011; Geraldine, 2010). Within this world will be thoughts and opinions about how to best accomplish those basic human needs such as survival, love, power, fun, and freedom, and also certain images of what the person aspires to be and things they want to do in life (Geraldine, 2010). As a person grows old, he will experience different things in life that may affect their quality worlds to become different too (Davenport, 2011). And as we experience life, we are continuously comparing those things that we want (our Quality World pictures) to those things that we've already got (our Perceived World). We feel good about ourselves whenever those two were met. It gives us a sense of accomplishment or joy whenever we get what we want. But when we dont, we feel a certain degree of frustration, especially when that need is really important to us. That frustration signal, as Glasser terms it, is felt as an urge to behave in a way that will help us get more of what we want (Davenport, 2011). Their drug addiction can ruin everything that they hold important. But even though it can cause them a whole lot of unhappiness, some individuals may still be unwilling to change. They often feel that they dont have what it takes to recover and that it would be better if things would just stay the same. But recovery is an ongoing process, often difficult and painful at times(alcoholrehab.com, 2010). Most people will often feel unenthusiastic for they cant see any change happening. For them, everything still looks the same. But what they dont realize is that every little thing counts. Every time we do the next right thing, we are affecting change inside ourselves even when it still looks the same on the outside. Even when people start building a life in recovery it does not mean that they are cured. The work has to continue. You will need to completely alter the way you deal with life and the people around you (Kalivas and Volkow, 2005). To do this, you need to have the Flow. Flow is the contrary of boredom. It is a mental state of operation in which you feel energized, interested, and fully involved about something that you are doing. It is something you often feel when you accomplished something important or when you are completely trying your best (edutechwiki.unige.ch, 2009). You have your own set of direction and is highly motivated and focused on the task at hand. It can push you in getting things you might think as impossible before. It can help you to achieve success while in rehab and in the years that follows in recovery (alcoholrehab.com, 2010). Individuals remain trapped in addiction because they dont feel they have the skills to escape. If their self-efficacy can be increased, they will feel more confident about their ability to deal with their problems (Bandura, 1999). Their faith in their own skills to beat the challenge of addiction can lead to an increased sense of flow (alcoholrehab.com, 2010). Similarly, self- determination is a support system through natural or intrinsic tendencies to behave and have healthy ways to stop drug addiction. It is how the social and cultural factor comes in that will 5
facilitate the peoples sense of volition and initiative that will prove the well-being and the quality of individuals performance. It is the degree in which the individual endorse their actions to the highest level of engagement through actions and a full sense of choice. In drug addiction, the clients motivation predicts a high percentage of change that will put the emphasis in building the clients motivation for them to fully recover. Objectives of the Study In the present study, we will examine the role of internal motivation in the lives, recovery, and sustained well-being of long term drug addicts, to share their stories publicly, in the hope to assist someone struggling with drug addiction. We hope to share in detail, at this point in their lives, the related emotions, thinking, and source of motivation, but more so the overall process of their recovery and how it came to be. And by doing so, we would be able to determine the viability of self-motivation in the process of drug recovery and explain how one person can successfully overcome their drug addiction on their own. Specifically, we would be able to identify the main reason why they have decided to quit their drug abuse and the strategies that they used to conquer it. Significance of the Study The researchers intend to explore the participants perceptions and experiences, especially those pertaining to their own self- motivation, while in the process of recovery. Among the persons who will be directly or indirectly benefited from the study are the following: To current drug users: The proposed study will help those who are struggling with drug addiction to have a deeper understanding of their situation and to accordingly make changes in their lives to address the factors that contribute to their drug addiction. This study acknowledges them as knowing agents in their addiction and recovery processes, which could inspire and motivate them to quit their drug addiction. It can also provide them some reference or guide in creating their own strategies in quitting based on the participants stories. To rehabilitation doctors: The results of this research study may give them new insights which would encourage them to plan projects designed to improve the quality of treating those who are currently suffering from drug addiction. This study can provide them with the necessary information about their clients true consciousness in the process of drug addiction and drug recovery so that they could further motivate their clients to stop using drugs. With this study, they could come up with better strategies to help their clients successfully. To future researchers/students: The current study is useful in contributing to the general body of knowledge in the area of internal motivation and drug recovery, on how can a non-treatment seeking individual, in particular, stop their drug abuse on their own. The proposed study will benefit and help the future researcher as their guide and can also open up in the development of this 6
particular study. It is also different from any other studies for it focuses more on the internal motivation of the person and not the external motivation that most researchers use.
Conceptual Framework For this paper, the researchers have conceptualized our own process of recovery anchored upon the three theories discussed above and that is (a) Glassers Choice Theory, (b) Deci & Ryans Self- Determination Theory, and lastly (c) Csikszentmihalyis Flow Theory. METHODS The researchers utilized an interpretative phenomenological analysis in conducting the study. This particular methodology was chosen, since it focuses on understanding the phenomena in question. Finlay and Ballinger (2006) described IPA as a variant of phenomenology that aims to explore individuals perceptions and experiences. Taking an idiographic approach, the focus is on the individuals cognitive, linguistic, affective and physical being. It will enable us to analyze the phenomenon under investigation and to understand the phenomenon from the participants own point of view (Smith and Osborn, 2007). According to Taylor (1977), qualitative research is referred to as a naturalistic research or inquiry into everyday living. Direct observations are made of human behavior in everyday life. Naturalistic researchers believe that gaining knowledge from sources that have "intimate familiarity" (Lofland, 1976) with an issue is far better than the "objective" distancing approach that supposedly characterizes quantitative approaches (Haworth, 1984). The 10 participants in the study were selected to meet the following criteria to be included in the sample. They: 1) Have abstain themselves from drugs without any formal treatment or mutual help 2) Had been on recovery for at least 5 years or more 3) Willing to participate 4) 21 years or older, and 6) Of either sex. The duration of time of 7
their drug use and drug recovery were also noted. 4 of the participants were female (40%) and 6 of them were male (60%). The mean age of the participants is 47.7 with ages ranging from 34 to 65 years. Time in recovery ranged from 6 years to 34 years with a mean recovery time of 13.1 years. Meanwhile, time of addiction ranged from 1 year to 40 years with a mean addiction time of 13.1 years. Participants drug(s) of choice included shabu (n=10), marijuana (n=8), cocaine (n=4), ecstasy (n=4), corex-d (n=3), and rugby (n=1). The researchers primary data collection method was a general interview. It is an in-depth, direct questions interview, for which we used an interview guide that we have prepared. Key informants provided supplementary data. When employing this approach for interviewing, a basic checklist will be prepared to make sure that all relevant topics will be covered. The interviewers will still free to explore, probe and ask questions deemed interesting to the researcher. This type of interview approach is useful for eliciting information about specific topics. Trochim (2002) recommend the general interview guide approach for it provides more focus than the conversational approach, but still allows a degree of freedom and adaptability in getting the information from the interviewee. They consider it to be useful as it allows for in- depth probing while permitting the interviewer to keep the interview within the parameters traced out by the aim of the study.
As this study required the participation of human respondents, certain ethical issues were addressed. The consideration of these ethical issues was necessary for the purpose of ensuring the privacy as well as the safety of the participants. Among the significant ethical issues that were considered in the research process include consent and confidentiality. In order to secure the consent of the selected participants, the researcher relayed all important details of the study, including its aim and purpose. By explaining these important details, the respondents were able to understand the importance of their role in the completion of the research. The respondents were also advised that they could withdraw from the study even during the process. With this, the participants were not forced to participate in the research. The confidentiality of the participants was also ensured by not disclosing their names or personal information in the research. Only relevant details that helped in answering the research questions were included. RESULTS In this section, the participants mainly talked about how dysfunctional the drugs had become for them in their addicted phase. The participants highlighted the fact that substances no longer had a purpose for them. Something had shifted in the participants feelings towards themselves, along with how they were now constructing different meanings towards their drugs. The cost of continuing drug use had become too great to continue, they no longer wished to be part of the addicted life; therefore, they began to evaluate alternative lifestyles for 8
themselves. This section has highlighted how participants finally had begun to consider stopping their use of drugs and some of the varying feelings they were having about themselves that compelled them to begin to do so. Theme 1: Impacts on Health When we talk about this theme, were talking about the negative effects of drug use on the participants health, either physically or psychologically, for them to finally consider quitting it. For this section, the participants evaluated how their drug addiction had interfered with their health, as well as in their physical and psychological health. The following discussion, of their health problems, is to understand how the participants began to realize how the prohibited drug used has affected their health, either physically or psychologically. For example, as one participant, Felix, states, Nakakaramdam na ko ng hindi maganda sa sarili ko, tsaka hindi ko na kayang bumili, baka makaisip ako ng hindi maganda. People who are addicted eventually feel constantly out of control and can no longer manage their own lives (Adams & Warren, 2010; Copersino et al., 2006). The drug drives the very thoughts in their mind. They experience increasing physical illness as well as emotional and mental distress. Eventually they always feel sick. Some of them were even hospitalized because of their constant drug use, such as that of Harold who was diagnosed with overdose. His body became stiff as if it was paralyzed. He cant move his body at all. But if he did, it was as if he was a robot. Halos patay katawan ko, isang buwan. Isang buwan ako sa ospital. Isang buwan ako sa Metro. Para akong paralyzed. Beth was also hospitalized because of her constant coughing due to smoking shabu and marijuana. Yun, inuubo-ubo na ko. Umuubo-ubo na ko. Dinala ako sa Conde, tinignan yung baga ko. Yung kalahati parang puro ulap, yung kalahati buo. Yon, isang lingo akong iinom ng gamot They also have the tendency to overthink everything when using drugs, especially about their own personal problems such as in that of their family or friends, causing them to be unable to neither sleep nor eat anything. As Anne shares, Parang makina yan na hindi ka nakakaramdam ng gutom. Kung ano yung pinagtripan mong gawin, kunwari maglalaba ka, kahit mAdaling araw na, matatapos mo yun. Parang feeling mo, kumikilos ka pa rin. Ganun sya. Iba na. Oo, iba na. Parang mali na to, hindi na normal. Gising ako kahit na gusto ko ng matulog, hindi na pwede. Ganun kasi, andun pa yung tama. Isip lang ng isip ng kahit na ano. Parang pangarap ka lang ng pangarap ng pangarap. Wala ka ng ibang iniisip. Minsan, yung ibang mahina na ang utak, iniisip ang problema sa pamilya hanggang sa nagagalit na sila sa tao. Yan ang epekto niyan, walang katapusang iniisip mo yung problema mo. Their moods and way of thinking were also being affected. Most of them stated how they always feel irritable and hotheaded. Irritable ako, nababadtrip ako, mainit ang ulo ko, mahina ang 9
control ko, madali akong magalit, those are some of the words they described themselves. They are also starting to feel paranoid whenever they see someone. For them, it is as if those people are going to do something bad to them. Iniisip ko sa kapwa ko, may gagawin sakin pero hindi naman pala. Parang tamang hinala na, parang nagiging negative nga yung isip mo sa kapwa mo. Kunwari yung matignan ka lang, ano naman tong makatingin. Parang ganun, Felix said. Dolly seems to agree saying, hindi mo kasi alam kung kakampi mo sila o hinihila ka nila. Parang ang sama ng pakiramdam ko sa iba. Parang walang pagmamalasakit sa ibubuyo ka pa. Yung nasa paligid mo, di mo alam kung kakampi mo o ibinubuyo ka na. The substances they had been using in addiction were no longer making them feel good, either physically or psychologically (Adams & Warren, 2010; Copersino et al., 2006). Problems with existing lines of action within their health were catalysts for new lines of action due to significant tensions and strains. Strain and tensions occurred on different levels, followed by the desire to take some kind of action to reduce this stress (Terry, 2003; Copersino et al., 2006). For example, feelings of self-disgust and worthlessness were common among many participants. Others mentioned how depressed and terrible they felt toward the end of their addicted phases. Although drugs had been functional for them in addiction, they soon came to see them as dysfunctional in that they were no longer fun and no longer had a purpose for them. They soon realize that if they are going to live a long, productive life, they need to take care of their health first. (Copersino et al., 2006) In this phase of finally placing values to their health, although many participants had been ill for a period of time, there came the moment when they could no longer continue to feel this way. Something had shifted in their feelings about themselves, along with their feelings about the substances that had stopped working. The key to a successful exit from substance abuse was to stop because they no longer wanted to be users, in short, to do it because they wanted to change their selves. Most participants had turned to drugs due to a lack of a sense of control in early experimental and addicted phases. On the other hand, as they were beginning to leave addiction, they were also beginning to lack a sense of control in their use of drugs. We argue that in this phase, while drugs were still physically addictive to participants, these people still saw themselves very much as authors of their own behaviors, able and responsible for developing new lines of action as they moved towards recovery (Grant, 2007). As Harold said, Sa ngayon hindi ako gumagamit. Tapos na ko dyan, angdating sakin niyan perwisyo sa katawan. Pagod. Pagod ng isipan, pagod ng katawan. Ebaugh (1988) in her study of role- exit addresses an important question: the whys and hows of becoming an ex. Ebaughs (1988) work on role-exit considered 12 ex-alcoholics (six females and six males) out of a total of 185 individuals who were exiting other roles. She argues that this potential for new lines of action is 10
part of a role-exit that leads to cuing behavior indicating discontent with ones role. The cues for participants in this study were similar in that there were those signs, conscious or unconscious, that showed that they were feeling dissatisfied in their current roles.
For example, Irenes self-pitying for having nothing to eat serves as a cue for her that something had to change in her life, that she needs to do something fast. Naawa na ako sa sarili ko. Noong minsan, dinanas ko, pag uwi ko ng bahay namin, wala akong kakainin, walang akong pagkain. Naranasan kong bagoong ang kainin ko sa malamig na kanin. Naawa ako sa sarili ko noon na naiiyak ako, na hindi naman yun ang pagkatao ko. Sa totoo lang mapili ako sa pagkain pero yung time na yun dahil sa gutom ko, kumain ako nun. Yun yung gumising sakin na hindi ko ba matanggap sa sarili ko na ganito na ba ako?
Theme 2: Social Alienation In this section, the participants talked about how their drug addiction destroyed their relationship with others, especially to those who matters to them most. Drug addiction is typically represented by loneliness and isolation. An addict's drug use makes interaction with un-addicted individuals difficult. Shame and guilt and the need to use makes an addict withdraw from society whilst at the same time being pushed away by their loved ones due to their breaking promises, stealing and general antisocial behaviour (Bone, et al., 2011; Copersino et al., 2006). Negative self-views often characterizes drug users, however, changing negative self views is very difficult. The participants (while still on their addictive phase) live a miserable life because of the negative affirmations about themselves, a product of negative self-image and self- esteem, of being a drug addict (Ajzen & Fishbein, 2005). This thing called self image is a powerful force that influences peoples minds, feelings, and behaviors. Ones self concept is projected in his relationships (Franken, 2007). With a shattered self image, he is inclined to vibrate negative emotions and unpleasant behavior, affecting others in detrimental ways, making him vulnerable to failure in his personal life or career. People who are addicted find themselves doing things they would never have done before their addiction, to get the money they need to continue using drugs, without even thinking about what others might feel because of it. Jack describes how this act ruined his relationship with his friends, but most especially, the trust of his own family as well. Marami akong mga kasalanan na nagawa. At maraming mga taong nadawit sakin at mga nagtampo. Iniiwasan na ko ng ibang kaibigan ko, galit na sakin ang nanay ko, mga kapatid ko, parang ayaw na nila akong tanggapin sa loob ng bahay, wala na silang tiwala sakin. Our family system shows the existence of very strong kinship ties such that whenever difficulties arise, we do not hesitate to approach our parents and relatives who are bound to help us. We all 11
need to feel cared for and to be able to care for others. We need to be wanted and to feel at ease with those around us (Boone, 2011). An example of this is the need to be accepted by those around us and the good feeling we get when others show they care for us or when we are able to help others. But when youre a drug addict, you cannot satisfy any of those needs. You feel alone. According to George, Medyo wala kang kaibigan. Walang tumitingin sayong pamilya dahil alam nila user ka. Pag gumamit ka nyan, oo nandyadyan meron kang mga kaibigan, kaya lang pili. Yung tingin naman sayo, ganun pa rin, adik pa rin. Pero di tulad ng nagbago ka, nandyan na yung kusang lumalapit na sayo ang tropa, kasi nga wala ka ng ginagamit na droga. Okay ka na. For them, drug addiction brings nothing but rejection and humiliation to family and friends. The notion of being rejected and ostracized by others can be so overwhelming that it crushes the persons self confidence, as well as drowns the drive for their personal achievement (Laudet , Becker, & White, 2009). But it can, however, become a positive attitude when it is used to control misbehaviors, because one is ashamed to do wrong towards fellowmen or society. For example, Irene states that because of drug addiction, her dignity was soon gone. For her, drugs are a waste of time. They destroy your memory and your self-respect and everything that goes along with your self esteem and your own dignity as a person. Kasi parang nawala yung ang aking pagkatao, yung dignidad ko, marami maraming nawala, nasira sa pagkatao ko nung time na yun. May anak na kasi ako ninyan e. Yung akin lang, inisip ko yung kinabukas ng mga anak ko. Yun, ayun yung nagudyok sakin, magulang ko yung nakapalibot sakin na feeling mo lahat ng nakapalibot sayo walang tiwala ahh yung markado ka na user ka. Yun yung nagudyok sakn parang gusto kong patunayan sa mga tao nagkapaligid sakin at nagmamahal sakin na kaya kong magbago. Most of the participants admitted that they had so many weakness that they want to conquer. But for the sake of their own family, they will do anything to conquer it. They must not allow their fears to dominate them anymore for the future of their own children or grandchildren. According to Jack, Ayokong lumaki ang aking anak-anakan na nasa ganito akong sitwasyon, dahil ayokong sumbatan niya ako. They soon experienced the stigma being called as an addict, a failure, or a loser. Even though they have an addiction, there is always a part of them that cant be numbed by drugs. They are easily hurt by their harsh words and treatment. Eventually they may even feel self disdain or hatred. Stigma, combined with all the negative effects of using, finally causes them to stand up and say, Ive had enough. Nahihiya na rin kasi ako. Nagkakaedad na ko. Kumbaga, kung saka- sakali mamatay ako, baka ano pa rin ako dyan sa drugs. Sabihin ng mga kapitbahay A yan namatay yan kakatira ng shabu. Nakakahiya para sa mga anak ko, sa mga pamilya kong maiiwan, Beth states. Yung mga manugang ko, parang hindi ka nga 12
ginagalang. Di naman totally hindi ako ginagalang, pero parang sa pakiramdam ko, ganon. Mababa ang tingin sakin. According to the participants, even though those people are not saying anything to them, they can still feel the way others perceive them to be just by the way of how they look at them, and it hurts them still. According to Anne, Parang hindi ka na normal sa ibang tao e. Kasi ikaw, imbes na samahan ka nila, hindi. Aanuhan ka pa nila, a yan, adik yan. Wala naman silang sinasabi pero yung mga tingin nila, parang dun ka matutunaw, na parang iba to. Kahit hindi nila pakita sayo ng personal, ng harap-harapan sayo, mismo sa sarili mo, mararamdaman mo, parang umiiwas sila sayo. Hindi naman sa natatakot, pero parang ganun na rin siguro. Ang iba, kapag sinabing adik ka, aloof ka dyan, diba? Theme 3: Belief That One Can Quit Drugs are not always necessary, but belief in recovery always is. Believing you can quit on your own is one of the most important factors of quitting drug addiction (Lai, 2011; Franken, 2007). We all need a strong sense of volition and initiative to change in order to quit, and also to support their actions to the highest level of engagement through actions and a full of sense of choice. As all of the participants said, its all up to us whether we want to change or not. We all have the power to change and to control ourselves if we want to. If they can conceive it and believe it, they can achieve it. They must know it is not their aptitude but their attitude that will determine their altitude. Pag ginusto talaga ng tao, kaya niya. As Anne states, Mismong isip ko lang din nagturo sakin. Isip ko rin ang magpapabago niyan na, Ah tigil na. Tama na. Na ito na yung reality, harapin mo na. According to Satel (2011), it is possible to cure drug addiction within ourselves. Most people recover and most people do it on their own. That's in no way saying that everyone should be expected to quit on their own and in no way denies that quitting is a hard thing to do. This is just an empirical fact. It is even possible that those who quit on their own could have quit earlier if they sought professional help. The implicit message isn't that treatment isn't important for manyin fact it should probably be made more accessiblebut it is simply a fact that most people cure themselves (Franken, 2007; Boyd, et al., 2005; Copersino, et al., 2006; Dean, Saunders, & Bell, 2011). Tayo ang makakakontrol sa sarili natin. Irene said. Kung gugustuhan ng may katawan, kaya. Kung ayaw ng may katawan, ayaw talaga. Kung baga, meron tayong salita kung gusto, may paraan, kung ayaw, maraming dahilan. When asked about the effectiveness of rehab, she answered,Nasa tao yan, hindi mo kailangan magparehab. Kung ayaw mo talaga, talagang aayaw ka. Kung may paninindigan ka. Talagang kaya yan ng tao without rehabilitation. Felix seems to agree with her saying, Kahit anong lapit mo sa mga tao para huming ng tulong, pag dating rin ng oras na wala na yung tao, sabihin na nating nagparehab ka, pag labas mo, mauudyukan ka uli. Dapat matibay ang sarili mo. Oo dahil sa sarili, wala naman 13
makakapag-anong ibang tao dyan e. Sarili lang. If you believe that you can quit only by using a formal program, you give responsibility to an external agent. Should you fail, it is the programs fault and not yours. The formal programs that work best seem to be those that convince the individual that he or she can succeed, and then put the responsibility on the individual (Bandura, 1999). When people take responsibility for designing their own programs and succeed, their feelings of self- efficacy improves. When peoples self- efficacy improves, it reinforces their initial belief that they can quit. When people realize how many people outgrow drug and alcohol addiction, they realise their own addiction problems are solvable. When they recognise drug and alcohol addiction is a behaviour they choose to engage in when life is going badly, they are more likely to do something to improve their life. When people believe they can rely on themselves to overcome an addiction, they are more likely to mobilise the necessary inner strength to change their behaviour. When people believe they can find their own ways out of addiction, without outside help, given the opportunity, they are more likely to wake from their drug-induced despair and build a life they value more than a life of drugs alone. Most importantly when people believe drug addiction is mainly a way of life, a behaviour people engage in as, a way to cope with the world-and not something they are hopelessly imprisoned in-they may be more inclined to make the necessary changes not only in their own world but in the world they live in. People can learn what's necessary to live a meaningful life and put that knowledge to positive effect. According to Irene, you just need to choose for yourself on whats best for you. Dapat meron kang strong will to fight, dun sa pag iisrtruggle mo. kailangan mo lang naman icompare ang good and bad. Ano yung magandang karanasan during sa time na under ka drugs at normal na buhay mo, nabubuhay kang wala ka sa droga. Yung ang lang ang kailangan mo icompare. Kung ano ang mas masarap na pakiramdam dun. Doon pa lang magkakaroon ka ng kung ano ka at kung saan ka ba dapat pumunta. Irene shared. Theme 4: New Interests What we mean by new interests is the daily activities or hobbies the participants were already partaking to after their recovery. These new interests help them to stop their drug addiction quite successfully. According to Franken (2007), when people value their work, their family, and the various activities they do, they often refrain from taking drugs to better appreciate those things. It is common to hear people say that they are not going to take drugs tonight because tomorrow they want to get up early to engage in a cherished activity. It is when people have no other reason for living that they fill their lives with drugs. (Giovazolias & Davis, 2005; Fields, 2007) Those people who do not have positive things on which they can focus their attention or those people who do not value 14
doing their very best will typically fall prey to drugs. When peoples lives are filled with activities they cherish, they have little reason for taking drugs. In this section, the participants are already starting to shift their attention to their work and their family instead of their drug addiction. They are beginning to appreciate their life better because of the different job and activities they do. They are now also starting to reconnect with their families better by taking care of the kids and spending time with them. As addicts recover, they must learn to be authentic in recovery. Not only must a person accept conventional society in order to maintain recovery, but society must accept that person, as well. Change in the shape of recovery from use of drugs is not something that is visible or objective in the sense it can be proven. It is a construct that is negotiated through interaction between an individual and significant others in a process of looking-glass rehabilitation (Maruna, 2001). The self evolves as new circumstances, situations, and associations with others come into play: People act according to their interpretation of these events, the way they see themselves, and the way they think others will react to them. (Terry, 2003). Therefore, until former addicts are formally and symbolically recognized as success stories, their changes may remain suspect to significant others and to themselves (Maruna, 2001). In other words, participants had not only to trust themselves but trust that significant others would eventually trust them as well. It is not enough to just say no to drugs. Instead, you can protect (and heal) yourself from addiction by saying yes to other things. Cultivate diverse interests that provide meaning to your life. As Irene said, Subsob lang sa trabaho, abala sa pagiisip dahil sa trabaho, pagkikipagusap sa mga kliyente, nagsesearch ako ng client kung sino yung pwede kong maging prospect na client ganun ang ginawa ko. Trabaho. Nangarap. Yung sa panagrap ko na yun, niyakap ko, na kailangan kong mangyari yun. Yung pangarap na makapagtrabaho, makapag- tayo ng negosyo sa sarili, yung ang niyakap ko, dreams ko. Yun, nagpursige saking tumigil.
To Anne, finding a job is already the start towards her recovery. Umpisa na iyon. Pag aasawa, aayusin ang buhay, nagkaroon ng anak, kailangan maghanapbuhay. As these participants strategized to recover, they signified that they also had to rebuild structure in their lives as they entered into sober social worlds. They recognized that they needed alternative activities as necessary components for recovery. Such activities helped them reintegrate into mainstream society. Naghanap ako ng trabaho, kahit anong trabaho tinatanggap ko, Caloy said. Kung ano nakita mong gawain sa loob ng pamamahay, gawin mo na lang para maiwasan mo ang paggamit ng droga. Not only did they start working but they also started to reconnect with their family as well. They wanted to make up for the lost time of taking care for their family, 15
especially to their children and grandchildren. As Beth states, she really wants to be with them. sabik ako sa bata. Gusto ko yung apo ko alagaan. Kasi kapag nakaganyan ako, irritable ako. Ayoko ng bata. Gusto ko, mahal na mahal ko yung apo ko. Just being with their family helps them to stay drug-free, such as that of Jack who says, Nilibang ko ang sarili ko wala akong ginawa kundi awitan ko ng magagandang awitin ang batang pinalalaki ko para makaiwas ako sa bisyo.
As people come to believe they can develop other ways to deal with life instead of relying on drugs or alcohol, they gain confidence in their ability to determine their own destiny. As they come to believe addiction has more to do with the environments they live in than with the drugs they use, they may further realise they have the power to change those environments in order to help themselves.
For them, having a job or reconnecting with their family was an important goal in their abstinence, for empowerment is about learning through doing (Grant, 2007), and such accomplishments increased the participants sense of self-efficacy. Whether it was through gaining support from significant others, moving away from addictive communities, or rebuilding structure through various activities, the participants were redefining experiences as they strategized their recoveries. As they redefined experiences, participants were learning to live again.
DISCUSSION This study aims to know how one person can fully recover from drug addiction without any formal treatment or mutual help and what motivated them to change. We want to know the related emotions, thinking, and source of motivation of these individuals, but more so the overall process of their recovery and how it came to be. Drug addiction differs from person to person. Thus, it appears that genes, family and social environment play a role in drug addiction that increases the vulnerability. On the other hand, people successfully overcome drug addiction by repeatedly internalizing their own decision to quit drug use. Continued use for the person who is addicted to drugs eventually overwhelms all aspects of their life. With continued use, they lose track of their personal goals and dreams. Their values and health deteriorate. Often, their relationships with the people who matter most are severed. People who are addicted eventually feel constantly out of control and can no longer manage their own lives. The drug soon drives the very thoughts in their mind. They experience increasing physical illness as well as emotional and mental distress. Eventually they always feel sick. Individuals who are addicted become burdened by huge financial costs, risk or loss of employment, loss of freedom if incarcerated, and loss of relationships with family or partners. There is often a great financial cost to the family and partner, as well as for the user. People who are 16
addicted find themselves doing things they would never have done before their addiction, to get the money to continue using alcohol and drugs. Family and friends also feel more out of control as they find themselves doing things they would never have done before, as they try everything and anything to help the person who is addicted and to stop them from using. In the last stages of addiction, many individuals experience the stigma of being called a lush, an addict, or a loser. People with addiction always have a part of them that cant be numbed by drugs. And they are hurt by harsh words and treatment. Eventually they may even feel self disdain or hatred. Stigma, combined with all the negative effects of using, finally causes them to stand up and say, Ive had enough. From Glassers Choice Theory, the quality world contains images of those things that matters to you as well as those things that you want that will bring you happiness (Rice, 2009; Sullo, 2007; Davenport, 2011; Geraldine, 2010). Before their recovery, their drug of choice is in their quality world and all the things that used to be important to them are only vague images of their quality world (Rice, 2009). Them, and only them, can take the image of drugs out of their quality world. They need to replace it with something else that will give them happiness and better relationships. The self evolves as new circumstances, situations, and associations with others come into play: People act according to their interpretation of these events, the way they see themselves, and the way they think others will react to them. (Terry, 2003). Therefore, until former addicts are formally and symbolically recognized as success stories, their changes may remain suspect to significant others and to themselves (Maruna, 2001). In other words, participants had not only to trust themselves but trust that significant others would eventually trust them as well. They soon realize that they really need to change their lives now in order to leave addiction behind and to enter recovery. In order to activate such changes, the participants must fashion new perspectives and social world involvements wherein the addict identity is excluded or dramatically depreciated (Grant, 2007; Biernacki, 1986). The original joy and ecstasy they feel slowly became agony and despair for the participants. They were feeling unwell and unhappy with a diminished sense of well-being, thus helping them create new versions of themselves that were much more desirable than the old ones. A change in ones life, a social crisis, or a loss of some type may create both upheaval and opportunity. Such experiences rupture routines and lives and provide essential redefinitions of the self. Once participants became aware of the need to activate recovery, then, they had to strategize to put it in place. Maruna (2001) argues that change for individuals is more than a discontinuance of undesirable conduct. Those who have reformed (or ceased using substances) have had to relinquish an old self and invent a new one. He further argues that an individual is truly reformed from bad habits/behaviors when 17
she/he has acquired new purposes, a fresh set of meanings and a satisfying new role (Maruna 2001) . Their years of drug use have fooled their quality world into believing that they bring happiness when actually, they are only giving the person short-lived happiness. True, pleasure may be more intense than happiness but happiness is the longer lasting of the two. And the key to happiness is having meaningful relationships with important people in our lives (Rice, 2009). Participants had to activate their changes by establishing or reestablishing meaningful relationships with individuals whose lives were organized around sobriety (McIntosh and McKeganey 2002; Polcin, et al., 2010; Grant, 2007). This action involved engaging with significant others in different social environments. As participants illustrated, former drug-using environments contained potential hazards to recovery. Their solutions were to remove themselves from such risks by putting distance, both social and physical, between themselves and former drug-using companions, what Ebaugh (1988) argues is a process of disengagement. Further, participants were beginning a process of disidentification (Ebaugh, 1988), that is, their former roles as addicts begin to shift and change. They begin to think of themselves apart from the people they were in the previous role. Participants needed to change what they had been doing (their addiction) because it was no longer working for them. The recovery process is one of construction and reconstruction of ones identity and resultant view of the world (Grant, 2007). A new developmental structure, one based on a new identity, is being formed. People in recovery are experiencing a new structure of self- knowledge. Much of the addicts interpretations of selves and the world no longer fit; therefore, both must be reconstructed. Addicts have to begin to interpret themselves differently along with significant others in their lives (Grant, 2007; Polcin, et al., 2010; Franken, 2007). This restructuring involved a sense of them owning their past. All of them talked about how, in their self-change, they began to like themselves more. As they all state, their identity changed. They like themselves today. Theyre not a bad person and they have a whole new outlook on life now. They just gained a whole new respect for themselves. They have more self-esteem. If you think that willpower alone will get you clean and sober, you will not be successful. According to Rice (2009), willpower does play a certain part in addiction recovery, but it is much more than that. Their desire for sobrierity must be stronger, or at least just as strong, than your desire to use drugs. This may fluctuate once they started. They must be willing to pay through some physical and emotional times by controlling their behaviours and thoughts. It wont be that too easy. In order to have it, you have to desire it. You have to have the flow (alcoholrehab.com, 2010). You have to have your own set of direction and be highly motivated and focused on the task at hand.
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Their intrinsic motivation is essential to the participants well being because it enables them to fulfil the three innate psychological needs. These needs include the need for competence, autonomy and relatedness and they form the basis of a model known as Self Determination Theory (SDT) as proposed by Deci and Ryan (1991). Fulfilment of the three basic needs is associated with essential, agentic behaviour which is characterised by intrinsically motivated, self-regulated, curious, proactive and intentional engagement in activities. SDT examines the choices people make without any external influence or interference and the degree to which an individuals behaviour is self-motivated and self-determined (Deci & Ryan, 1991). Satisfaction with and pursuit of goal- directed need fulfilment can enhance activity engagement and personal growth (Deci & Ryan, 1991). Engaging in certain activities such as working or spending time with the family, enables them to find something of value in their lives and gives them a sense of control over their destinies. It was obvious during the interviews that they talked about their plans as lined within a sober social world and with clear eyes to their futures. The possession of such gave rise to a sense of confidence and self-efficacy perception for the participants (Bandura 1999). Participants were very aware that struggles and dilemmas will persist in recovered lives, but they now had the knowledge that they need to live sober lives. Overall, participants were no longer afraid of their selves and they had more of a chance to be successful in their endeavours.
Many participants mentioned that they were now in control of their lives; they were now in charge. Overall, the participants narratives showed that their power now was greater than the power drugs had had over their lives at one time. Participants had gained their personal power back. As we listened to these peoples narratives, we felt as if they had an obligation to their selves to stay clean, to stay sober. For the participants, their addiction and recovery processes had been arduous journeys, journeys of coming back to normal. The knowledge gained through these journeys provided the participants not only with new selves, but also with wisdom, which enabled them to move forward as they constructed new lives. Overall, the participants in this study are potential innovators, inventors, and creators of new forms of conduct for themselves.
Strengths & Limitations
In general, much has been written on the patterns of drug use and the varying factors that impel others into addiction and subsequently into recovery. However, there is limited information on those who manages to recover without rehabilitation or formal treatment. The current study is useful in contributing to the general body of knowledge in this area. It will also benefit and help the future researcher as their guide. The study can also open in the development of this study. It is different from any other studies, for it focuses more on the internal motivation of the person and not the external motivation most researchers use. 19
But several limitations were implicit in the study. First, we assessed each participant using our interview guide that enables us to obtain our desired results. Second, our study focused only in the past experiences of the participants who undergone drug addiction and recovered using motivating factors. Finally, we had a small sample of participants that limited our power to study other factors that help them in recovery. After conducting the study, the researchers suggest the following for future studies regarding the topic. The researchers must propose a wider scope of samples so that it could contribute more for a concrete basis for generalization and for a much thorough understanding of the topic and the participants experiences under the drug recovery and internal motivation. Use of case study would be recommended for further study, for it excels at bringing the readers an understanding of a complex issue or object and can extend experience or add strength to what is already known through previous research. It also emphasizes detailed contextual analysis of a limited number of events or condition and their relationships
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Maruna S. (2001). Making good: How ex-convicts reform and rebuild their lives. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. McIntosh J, McKeganey N. (2002). Beating the dragon: The recovery from dependent drug use. Harlow, England: Prentice-Hall. McRoy, R. (1995). Qualitative Research http://www.uncp.edu/home/marson/qualitative _research.html Retrieved July 29, 2012 Motivation and Choice Theory (2010) http://alcoholrehab.com/alcohol-rehab/motivation-and-choice- theory/ Retrieved July 17, 2012 Myers, D. (2010). Social Psychology (10 th ed.). New York: McGrawhill. Navaratnam, V. and Kin, F. (1995). Report of the Asian Multicity Epidomiology Workgroup 1995. Malaysia: National Center for Drug Research. Newton, et al (2009) Theories of Addiction: Methamphetamine UsersExplanations for Continuing Drug Use and Relapse. American Journal on Addictions, Jul2009, Vol. 18 Issue 4, p294-300 Polcin, D., Galloway, G., & Greenfield, T. (2006). Measuring confrontation during recovery from addiction. Substance Use & Misuse, 2006, Vol. 41 Issue 3, p369-392. Polcin, D., et al. (2010). Recovery From Addiction in Two Types of Sober Living. Rice, M. (2009). A Choice Theory Approach to Drug and Alcohol Abuse. http://books.google.com.ph/books?id=wRe6H-Oy39QC&hl=fil&source=gbs_book_other_versions Retrieved Feb 1, 2013 Smith, J. & Osborn, M., (2007). Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis. http://research.familymed.ubc.ca/files/2012/03/IPA_Smith_Osborne21632.pdf Retrieved September 1, 2012 Sullo, B. (2007). Activating the Desire to Learn. http://www.ascd.org/publications /books/107009/chapters/Understanding-Internal-Motivation.aspx Retrieved July 22, 2012 Taylor, J. (1977). Toward alternative forms of social work research: The case for naturalistic methods. Journal of Social Welfare, Vol 4 Issue 23, p119126. Terry C. (2003). The fellas: Overcoming prison and addiction. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth/Thomson Learning. Trachim, W. (2002). Research Methods, Knowledge Base http://anatomyfacts.com/ Research/ResearchMethodsKnowledgeBase.pdf Retrieved July 30, 2012 24
STATEMENT TABLE OPENNESS TO CHANGE
ANNE
Noong gusto ko nang ayusin ang buhay ko, nakapagasawa na ako mayyy patutunguan na yung buhay ko, kasi noon wala e dalaga lang ano noon e sige lang susunod lang ako sa agos, pero ngayon syempre may mga anak na ako kailangan na itigil para sa mga anak ko. (Page 2:line 35-37) Sa sarili ko lang (Page 2:line 48) Hindi kailangan kasi e mismong isip ko lang din nagturo sakin, isip ko rin ang magpapabago niyan na ah tigil na, tama na, na ito na yung reality,harapin mo na. (Page 2:line52-54) Matagal bago makalimutan kailangan sa harap mo makikita mo mismo kasi mauudyok ka e, paglalabanan mo yon. (Page 3:line 63-64) Kailangan maging matapang ka, hindi basta basta pagharap sa pagpigil nyan. (Page 3:line 81) Hawak ko to, dala ko to e. Kumbaga, sarili ko to e. Proud pa nga ako e, parang ganun. Nagfocus lang ako sa pamilya ko, oo ganun. Okay na yun, tinigil ko na. BETH Wala naman. Kapag ginusto, kaya. Kaya kung kaya. Ayoko na, ayoko na gumamit. Tagal ko ng nakabilanggo dyan e. tigil na. higit lang 15 years. Tira-tira, may shabu ako sa kamay. Basta ako may pera noon, shabu lang ng shabu. E ayoko na. (Page 2:line 75-77) Alam mo noon, sabi ko pa nga kay eddy, panay pa ang gamit ko, sabi ko pa kay Eddy, Dy,ano mo na nga ako, parehab mo na ko. Pero sabi nya sakin kung gusto mo tumigil, nasayo rin yan. Kasi mamaya, paparehab, paglabas mo, gagamit ka uli. O diba, nasasakatawan pala, sa sarili mo. Ang pagkakaano ko rito sa lugar namin, bumabalik rin sa dati e. tumitikim din e, yung narerehab. Basta ang alam ko lang, kung gusto mong tumigil, nasasayo rin yan sa sarili mo. CALOY wala ako rin, sarili ko na rin. Yung bundol sakin ng mga barkada, tropa tigilan mo na yan walang mangyayari dyn. (Page 1:line 37-38) Rehab? Hindi, kusa sarili lang talaga. (Page 1: line 42) DOLLY Ay sa sarili ko, ay wala, kusa lang ako. (Page 2:line 66) Hindi naman, hindi ako nahirapan basta basta nasa sarili mo yan pag sinabi mo ayaw mo na nasa yan. (Page 3:line 95-96) Wala tinigil ko lang, tinigil ko lang basta. (Page 3:line 84) Oo, basta may lakas ka ng basta malakas ang pang control Mo. (Page 3:line 98) sa rehab? Di ako naniniwala dyan e. nagbibigay sila ng gamut, kaso nga lang parang sa nakita ko, nasa tao yan e. control ka lang. sayang lang ginastos, babalik ka rin naman paka. ERIC Hindi , sa sarili ko lang . (Page 1:line 26) Ayun nga para magbago buhay ko. (Page 1:line 26) Hindi ,sarili ko lang. (Page 1:line 28) Dapat matapang siya ,paninindigan. (Page 2:line 56) Ngayon eh iwas nalang talaga kahit na yayain ka, hindi ka na titikim. (Page 2:line 61) marami na kong nakita rito na nagparehab tapos bumalik din. Di ako naniniwala dyan kasi pinatunayan ko sa sarili ko na kahit wala akong rehab, gumaling ako. 25
FELIX Hindi naman totally lulong. Yung ano ko lang na baka hindi ko na mapigilan yung sarili ko kaya tinigilan ko, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na itigil. (Page 1, line 19-20) nakayanan ko naman, dahil wala akong inasahang makakatulong sa ganyang panahon (page 2, line 42-43) Unang una para sa sarili ko na din e, dahil wala naman akong hiningan ng tulong na basta nakita ko na lang sa sarili ko na gusto ko nang magbago, tumigil sa pagdadrugs. (page 2, line 69-71) Wala naman, sariling ano ko lang, sarili ko lang, walang wala, tulad ng paninigarilyo ngayon, tinigilan ko ang sigarilyo para sa sarili ko na ayoko na baka maramdaman ko na lang sa bangdang huli, huli na. (Page 2, line 73-75) Wala naman inanuhan na madali e. talagang mahihirapan ka sa unang araw, pangalawang araw, isang linggo, isang buwan, hanggang sa lilipas na lang nakayanan ko nang umiwas (page 2, line 77-79) Isa na nga yung sarili lang e, kasi yun na lang magpagaanuhan ko na nagawa kong tumigil na hindi ako humihingi ng tulong, wala akong nilapitan. (Page 3, line 89-90) Tibay ng paniniwala sa sarili, ah pag ginusto talaga ng tao kaya (page 3, line 93) Hindi, nasa tao na rin kasi yun e, dahil kahit anong lapit mo sa mga tao para huming ng tulong e pag dating rin ng oras na wala na yung tao, sabihin na natin nag parehab ka pag labas mo naudyukan ka ulit dapat matibay ang sarili mo e, oo dahil sarili wala naman makakapag anong ibang tao dyan e sarili lang e (page 3, line 115-118) Wala akong hiningan ng tulong. Nagbago ako dahil sa sarili ko. GEORGE Kailangan meron din siyang matatag na pagiisip. (Page 2, line 66) HAROLD Nasa sarili niya na yon. (Page 3: line 108) Sakin? Wala na. Kasi naiwasan ko nga yan ng wala ng, walang nagpayo. May nagpayo kaya lang Nalagpasan ko na sila diba? Katulad nga nun, pagkagaling ko, chinallenge ko pa yan, nagtake pa ko nyan. Talagang chinallenge ko pa yan. (Page 3: line 110-112) IRENE Actually, hindi naman ako humingi ng tulong sa iba, mismo sa sarili ko (page 2: line 51) Sa tingi ko naman hindi naman mismo sa sarili, sa sarili ko, sa atin sa tao mismo tayo ang makakakontrol sa sarili natin kung gugustuhan ng may katawan kaya; kung ayaw ng may katawan ayaw talaga. Kung baga may meron tayong salita kung gusto, may paraan, kung ayaw, maraming dahilan yun yun parang ganung kasabihan. (Page 3: line 83-87) Mahirap? Wala naman nasa tao lang talaga yan. Kaya hindi ako naniniwala sa ano yung rehabilitation, nasa tao yan, hindi mo kailangan magparehab, kung ayaw mo talaga, talagang aayaw ka, kung may paninindigan ka talahang kaya yan ng tao without rehabilitation. (page 4: line 124-127) Ahh katangian dapat meron kang strong ano, yung will to fight, dun sa pag iisrtruggle mo, kailangan mo lang naman icompare ang good and bad, ano yung magandang karanasan during sa time na under ka drugs at normal na buhay mo, nabubuhay kang wala ka sa droga. Yung ang lang ang kailangan mo icompare kung ano ang mas masarap na pakiramdam dun, doon pa lang magkakaroon ka ng kung ano ka at kung saan k aba dapat pumunta. (Page 4: line 130-136) JACK Hindi pa naman siguro ako ganoong kadesperada dahil malakas naman ang aking patronesa, kasi usually yung mga naloloko, makitid ang isip nila. Yung problema nila sobrang kabigat-bigat kaya may mga pinagsisisihan sila bandang huli. (page 2: line 47-49) Hinarap ko ng walang takot. Kasi yang hamon sa buhay e, dumarating yanbasta meron ka lang god feardetermination. (Page 3: line 73-74) Kailangan matatag siya, malawak, meron siyang confidence sa sarili. (Page 3: line 77) IMPACTS ON HEALTH 26
ANNE
hindi ka makatulog, malalim ang iniisip dapat meron kang pagtripan iyon yung sinasabi na dapat meron kang kakalikutin. Kahit pagod na ang katawan mo sige parin gusto pa rin ng katawan mo. (page 1:line 20- 22) tinatamad ka na, hirap ka nang kumilos, kain ka ng kain. (Page 3:line 90) iba ang epekto pag nakarecovery ka na kasi, paggamit nyan hindi ka normal e, ayaw mo nang matulog, talagang as in ayaw mo ng matulog, kahit ilang araw na pinipilit mong pumikit hindi makapikit ganun talagang, pero pag na lowbat ka naman wala na yung tama nyan tulog ka naman ng tulog halos ayaw mo nang tumayo. Uhaw na uhaw yan ang mga tama nyan. (Page 3:line 92-96) normal, malawak ang pagiisip kumikitid kasi ang isip ng isang may isang adik. (Page 4: line 105) Yun nga, sinasabi ko. Parang makina yan na hindi ka nakakaramdam ng gutom. Kung ano yung pinagtripan mong gawin, kunwari maglalaba ka, kahit medaling araw na, matatapos mo yun. Parang feeling mo, kumikilos ka pa rin. Ganun sya. Kaya yung mga artista, kita mo hindi kumakain. Taping ng taping. Iba na. Oo, iba na. Parang mali na to, hindi na normal. Gising ako kahit na gusto ko ng matulog, hindi na pwede. Ganun kasi, andun pa yung tama. Isip lang ng isip ng kahit na ano. Parang pangarap ka lang ng pangarap ng pangarap. Wala ka ng ibang iniisip. Minsan, yung ibang mahina na ang utak, iniisip ang problema sa pamilya hanggang sa nagagalit na sila sa tao. Yan ang epekto niyan, walang katapusang iniisip mo yung problema mo. Normal na ang tulog ko. Yun, alam ko ng nakakarecover na ko. BETH Nung pina-Conde ako ni Paikot (Harold). Yun, inuubo-ubo na ko. Umuubo-ubo na ko. Dinala ako sa Conde, tinignan yung baga ko. Yung kalahati parang puro ulap, yung kalahati buo. Yon, isang lingo akong iinom ng gamot. CALOY ilang araw akong walang tulog, miski anong inom mo ng alak hindi ka nalalasing ganun. Miski nakamariwana ka wala, paggamit mo sa umaga tuloy-tuloy yun hanggang gabi (coin drop) oo, bawal matulog, makakatulog ka lang pag nakatabletas ka, valum ka ganun dun lang ako nakaktulog. (Page 1: line18-21) ano parang ano parang natigil yung bisyo ko, talagang tinitiis ko, nananakit ang buong katawan ko ganun, pero hindi ko hinahanap hanap sya, minsan mananakit likod ko, dala na rin ng kaidaran, sa edad. (Page 2- 3:line 92-94) DOLLY Free again [excited] (laughing) wala parang parang nakalibre ka sa bisyo, e ang sama sama pala ng bisyo nay an (laughing) di ba? Parang nakakalibre ka parang nabunutan ka ng sampung tinik sa lalamunan parang ganun! Masarap masarap sa pakiramdam. (Page 4: line 130-132) Sa isip? Yun, nababadtrip ako. Mainit ang ulo ko. Mahina ang control ko. Saka madali akong magalit. Ngayon malakas na ang control ko. Nangayayat din ako ng husto. Ang sexy ko (laugh) 26 lang ang bewang ko nun. Kaya lang parang tumanda yung mukha ko. Parang nagooil yung mukha mo na pawis na pawis ka. Namamawis ka, di ka pwedeng magmake-up kasi tulo ng tulo, punas ka ng punas. Tapos nangangayat ka ng husto, kasi di ka nakakain. Ang pangit din ng mukha ko, muka akong matanda. Sexy ka nga, ang pangit naman ng mukha mo. Namumunas ka, parang matanda. Tanong nila, kumakain ka pa ba? Di ka rin nakakatulog. Dati, lagging mainit ang ulo ko, parang gusto mo lagi may kaaway. Pero pag nakarecover ka na, wala na. lalo na pag may nakita kang hindi maganda, naku. Kaya nga yung iba, nakakapatay pa e dahil sa drugs. ERIC Payat ako, talagang hindi super payat. (Page 1: line 16) puyat lang, yun lang. Yung mga mata mo parang lagging inaantok. Di makatulog. 27
FELIX Ayun yung pangangayayat, yung paranag nawawalan ka ng tiwala sa sarili, tska hindi ka na nakikihalobilo sa ibang tao dahil nagkakaroon ka nga ng hiya dahil sa kalagayan mo. (page 1: line 27-29) Pisikal dahil nakaramdam akong hindi maganda sa sarili ko, tsaka isa na yung hindi ko nakakayanan bumili, baka makaisip ako ng hindi maganda. (Page 2: line 45-46) Sa mga unang araw, tsaka sa mga unang gabi naranasan kong tumigil nagkaroon ng paninibago yung katawan ko, hanggang sa nagtagal nakayanan ko na rin lang tinuloy ko na lang. (page 2: line 85-87) Syempre maginhawa na sa pakiramdam, nakakaluwag ka na kahit papaano, parang nawalan ka na ng alalahanin na baka mahuli ka, o baka madisgrasya ka ng ibang tao ganun (page 3: line 96-98) Ayun nga maluwag na sa pakiramdam, na ano kahit papaano sa sarili may tiwala na. (Page 3: line 104- 105) Yun, nahihirapan akong huminga. Tapos, para kang nanghihina. Parang ano ba to? Iniisip ko sa kapwa ko, may gagawin sakin pero hindi naman pala. Parang tamang hinala na, parang nagiging negative nga yung isip mo sa kapwa mo. Kunwari yung matignan ka lang, ano naman tong makatingin. Parang ganun. Di tulad nung una, patang-pata na. Syempre kilos ka kasi ng kilos, di mo namamalayan na ginagawa mo yun. Kaya kapag nagpahinga ka ron, patang-pata na yung katawan mo. Di tulad noong normal kang nagtrabaho noon, nagpuyat, kapag nagpahinga ka, masarap na sa pakiramdam. Kasama yun sa droga e, depression. Naaano ka sa pagiisip nung ano ba naman tong nangyayari sakin? Yung problema ng pamilya ko. Yung mga nalalaman mong problema. Hindi mo napupuna, may problema ka na pala, hindi mo nalalaman problema ng iba. Naaano ka sa pagiisip. Isip ng isip. GEORGE
Payat ako, talagang hindi, super payat. (Page 1: line 16) Yun, masigla hindi tulad dati ,puyat !ngayon kumpleto sa tulog sa pagkaen. yun yung mga ganun. (page 2: 81-82) Masarap sa pakiramdam, okay! Pati pagtingin ng tao sayo okay na rin. (Page 3: line 90) Masasabi ko lang.wag na baka kasi iwas trouble din yun, para din sa kalusugan nila, wag na nila itake yan. (Page 3: line 102-103) HAROLD Sa ngayon hindi ako gumagamit. Tapos na ko dyan, angdating sakin niyan perwisyo sa Katawan. Pagod. Pagod ng isipan, pagod ng katawan. (Page 2: line 21-22) Halos patay katawan ko, isang buwan. Isang buwan ako sa ospital. Isang buwan ako sa Metro. Para akong paralyzed. Ganung, gumaling ako, sabi kong ganong, kako hindihindi shabu anghindi sa shabu ako naano, naoverdose. (Page 1-2: line 42-44) Hindi, ulitin ko nungnung napagkagaling ko nga sa overdose dahil sadowners. Pagkabalik ko, pagkalipas ng isang buwan, tinake ko uli sya, shabu. Para patunayan ko sa sarili ko, kaya ko iwasan yan. Dahil dyan di ako nasira. (Page 2: line 56-58) Hindi na, naisip ko na talagang anoano lang, wala naman talagang anon a e, pagod lang ng katawan e. (Page 2: line 62-63) IRENE naawa ako sa sarili ko noong minsan dinanas ko pag uwi ko ng bahay namin wala akng kakainin na pinunthan ko nun dahil sa gutom ko kusina, naranasan kong bagoong ang kainin ko sa malamig na kanin naawa ako sa sarili ko noong na naiiyak ako na hindi naman yun ang pagkatao ko, sa totoo lang mapili ako sa pagkain pero yung time nay un dahil sa gutom ko, kumain ako nun, yun yung gumising sakin na hindi ko ba matanggap sa sarili ko na ganito na ba ako ultimo singko pangbili ng ulam wala na ako, yun yun nak. Napakasarap mabuhay ng walang, walang droga sa katawan. (page 3, line 116) JACK Iniisip ko para magbago? Iniisipgusto kong magkaroon ng magandang simula. Gusto kong maging normal uli ang aking buhay, parang ganun. (page 2, line 42-43) INTERESTS 28
ANNE umpisa na iyon pag aasawa, aayusin ang buhay, nagkaroon ng anak, kailangan maghanapbuhay. (Page 2:line 38-39) kailangan pag- ititigil mo na yan kailangan na sa isip mo yan, isa puso mo, panindigan mo, pero kailangan pag hindi mo kaya sumabay ka sa pamilya mo kaagapay mo sila, magdasal ka rin mawawala na yan. (Page 4:line 113-115) Yun nga, yung nainlove ako. Hanggang sa tinigil ko na. Kasi may inspirasyon na ko e. focus, oo, ganun. BETH Ah, yung lumabas yung apo ko. Yung pamilya ko, apo ko. Yung anak ni Eddyng panganay. Sabik kasi ako e. Kasi ang lalaki na ng mga anak ko e. 25 na si Edu, ang aga nagasawa e, yung panganay ko. yung sumunod, e 1980 kinasal. 81, 82, 83, sunod-sunod sila. (Page 1:line 18) CALOY kung ano nakita mong gawain sa loob ng pamamahay, gawin mo na lang para maiwasan mo ang paggamit ng droga. (Page:kine 78-79) naghanap ako ng trabaho ganun, kahit anong trabaho tinatanggap ko. (Page 2:line82) kailangan talaga magbago ka, magbalik loob ka sa taas unang-una yan, kaila kailangan ng tao yan. Mabuo pamilya mo, magtrabaho ka, ibalik mo yung dati mong ayon sa pamumuhay mo. (Page 2:line 69-71) yung barkada hindi naman maiiwasan, syempre nandidiyan naman yan e. pero yan may higit na naitulong sakin nyan. Tropa tropa pero walang ano na. (Page 2:74-75) yung kinabukasan ng pamilya ko, ng buong pamilya ko ganun. (Page 2:line 90) hmm barkada rin, dahil nagkabalikan kami ng pamilya ko, ilang taon kami naghiwalay nyan hmm asawa ko.(Page 1:line 44-45) ERIC
Para makahanap ng trabaho,para hindi mapagusapan ng mga kapitbahay, kasi pag nakikita kang naka droga, pinagtitinginan ka. (Page 1:line 30-31) Ahh, nilibang ko sarili ko. Tulad ng? Dito lang ,madaming gawain,pagala gala ng bata ,mga hayop. (Page 2:line 45-47) Tulad ng pamilya. (Page 1:line 26) Yun ,habang lumalaki ung mga anak ko .yun ang number 1 !habang lumalaki ung anak ko lalo ko naiisip na itigil na talaga. (Page 1:line 30-31) Isipin ko lang pamilya ko ,asawa ko ,yun. (Page 1:line 44) yun nga, nagalaga ako ng mga hayop, inalagaan ko yung mga bata. Para malibang ako. Dun ko lang finocus yung sarili ko. Nakatulong sakin yun. FELIX Ang ginawa ko noon kasi na ano ako sa prutas noon, dahil ang trabaho ko mula gabi hanggang mag umaga, kaya mgamula noon inano ko na kaysa magpuyat ako sa paggamit dun na lang ako magpakapuyat para makatulog agad ako pagdating ng umaga (page 2, line 64-67) Kasi dati noon, noong nagumpisa ako nyan, nagtratrabaho rin ako dyan noon. Tapos ang nangyayari nyan, pagkatapos kong magtrabaho e di, latang-lata na yung katawan ko. Tapos kinabukasan, magtratrabaho ka na. e nung sinimulan ko ng tigilan, ginawa ko ring dahilan yung pagtratrabaho ko. Kasi, magtratrabaho, magpupuyat. Makakatulog ako ng maayos. Tapos makakapagtrabahong may panibagong lakas. Di tulad nung una, patang-pata na. Syempre kilos ka kasi ng kilos, di mo namamalayan na ginagawa mo yun. Kaya kapag nagpahinga ka ron, patang-pata na yung katawan mo. Di tulad noong normal kang nagtrabaho noon, nagpuyat, kapag nagpahinga, masarap na sa pakiramdam IRENE Trabaho, nangarap yung sa panagrap ko nay un niyakap ko, na kailangan kong mangyari yun, yung pangarap na makapagtrabaho, makapag tayo ng negosyo sa sarili, yung ang niyakap ko, dreams ko. Yun ang nagpursige. (page 3, line 93-96) Subsob lang sa trabaho, abala sa pagiisip dahil sa trabaho, pagkikipagusap sa mga kliyente, nagsesearch ako ng client kung sino yung pwede kong maging prospect na client ganun ang ginawa ko. (page 3, line 100-102) JACK Nilibang ko ang sarili ko uh, wala akong ginawa kundi awitan ko ng magagandang awitin ang batang pinalalaki ko para makaiwas ako sa bisyo. (Page 2, line 57-58) SOCIAL ALIENATION 29
ANNE umpisa na iyon pag aasawa, aayusin ang buhay, nagkaroon ng anak, kailangan maghanapbuhay. (Page 2:line 39-40) noong na-inlove na nga ako, oo pamilya na talaga, na kailangan deretcho na ang buhay. (Page 2: line 45- 46 pamilya, yan mga anak, tska yung mga mabubuting kaibigansyempre.(Page 3:line 79) ipakita ng pamilya na mahalaga ka una yun, may takot ka sa Diyos pangalawa yun, at pangatlo kung talagang hmm ayaw mo na ayaw mo kasi isa lang iisipin mo yung mga bata nag-aantay sa buhay mo. (Page 3:line 85-87) kailangan pag- ititigil mo na yan kailangan na sa isip mo yan, isa puso mo, panindigan mo, pero kailangan pag hindi mo kaya sumabay ka sa pamilya mo kaagapay mo sila, magdasal ka rin mawawala na yan. (Page 4:line 113-115) Parang hindi ka na normal sa ibang tao e. Kasi ikaw, imbes na samahan ka nila, hindi. Aanuhan ka pa nila, a yan, adik yan. Wala naman silang sinasabi pero yung mga tingin nila, parang dun ka matutunaw, na parang iba to. Kahit hindi nila pakita sayo ng personal, ng harap-harapan, sayo mismo sa sarili mo, mararamdaman mo, parang umiiwas sila sayo. Hindi naman sa natatakotpero parang ganun na rin siguro. Ang iba, kapag sinabing adik ka, aloof ako dyan, diba? Iba na kasi yun e, pare-parehas kami, ako man lang sana, magbago. Parang ganun. Maiba naman ako. Kasi kapag yung ibang tao pumunta samin, a sila, mga adik ya e, parang ganun. Kumporme yan sa mga kaibigan e. may ibang kaibigan, parang lalo ka pang babaunin. May kaibigan na iintindihin, kakausapin ka. Meron din naman, pagpipilian mo lang. Basta pag napunta ka dun sa lalong binabaun ka, wala, lalo kang maiipit. Hanggang sa kamuhian mo na siya. BETH Ah, yung lumabas yung apo ko. Yung pamilya ko, apo ko. Yung anak ni Eddyng panganay. Sabik kasi ako e. Kasi ang lalaki na ng mga anak ko e. 25 na si Edu, ang aga nagasawa e, yung panganay ko. yung sumunod, e 1980 kinasal. 81, 82, 83, sunod-sunod sila. (Page 1:line 18) Apo ko nga. Tsaka nahihiya na rin ako, nagkakaedad na ko. kumbaga, kung saka-sakali mamatay ako, baka ano pa rin ako dyan sa drugs. Sabihin ng mga kapitbahay A yan namatay kakatira ng shabu. O diba nakakahiya para sa mga anak ko, sa mga pamilya kong maiiwan. (Page 1:line 33-35) Yung mga apo ko nga lang. tsaka sariili ko. iniisip ko parangbasta, mararamdaman mo rin naman yon. Yung mga manugang ko, parang hindi ka nga ginagalang. Parang ganun. Di naman totally hindi ako ginagalang, pero parang sa pakiramdam ko, ganon. Mababa ang tingin sakin. (Page 2:line 65-67) Yung manugang ko, pakiramdam ko, parang wala ng respeto. Di naman nila ako totally binabastos. Parang, syempre, kasama mo sa loob ng bahay, mararamdaman mo din. Iba yung tingin. Naaano ako sa kanya. CALOY hmm barkada rin, dahil nagkabalikan kami ng pamilya ko, ilang taon kami naghiwalay nyan hmm asawa ko. (Page 1:line 44-45) kailangan talaga magbago ka, magbalik loob ka sa taas unang-una yan, kaila kailangan ng tao yan. Mabuo pamilya mo, magtrabaho ka, ibalik mo yung dati mong ayon sa pamumuhay mo. (Page 2:line 69-71) yung barkada hindi naman maiiwasan, syempre nandidiyan naman yan e. pero yan may higit na naitulong sakin nyan. Tropa tropa pero walang ano na. (Page 2:74-75) yung kinabukasan ng pamilya ko, ng buong pamilya ko ganun. (Page 2:line 90) 30
DOLLY
nahihiya na rin ako sa sarili ko dahil lumalaki na rin mga anak ko, e baka lumaki anak ko abutan nila na ganyan nakakahiya naman nagkaisip din ako naisip ko din tska namatay na yung asawa ko kaya wala na akong pagrerebeldehan. (Page 2:line 52-54) inisip ko na paano kaya, paano kaya pag ka anong magiging buhay namin pag ka hindi -ako titigil, ano kaya magiging ano, syempre naisip ko rin lumalaki na mga anak ko di ba ano talagang naging epekto rin, dahil noong nagdrugs mga anak ko hindi ko sila masaway nga, parang mga ganun, dahil nga naramdaman ko narin dati yun, mabuti nga kamo kusang nagbago (Page 2:line 56-60) Maari nga ayoko nang bangitin yun e, kunwari nga pagtakpan ko sarili ko na ayoko na sabihin na ganun , nahihiya ako di ba? Nakakahiya (Page 4:line 117-118) Para ka ano para kang nahugutan ng tinik (laughing) wala ka hindi ka na dapat mahiya, wala ka dapat ikahiya di ba? (Page 3:line: 112-113) wala kang makausap ditto e. sa sarili mo lang yun. Sakin, nasa sarili ko lang yun. Hindi mo kasi alam kung kakampi mo sila o hinihila ka nila. Parang ang sama ng pakiramdam ko sa iba. Parang walang pagmamalasakit sa ibubuyo ka pa. Yung nasa paligid mo, di mo alam kung kakampi mo o ibinubuyo ka na. kaya wala ka sa sarili mo. May mga anak rin kasi ako e. parang naisip-isip ko rin may mga anak ako. Yung mga anak ko, di ko sila masaway dahil nakikita nila ganyan ka din e. nahihiya ako sa sarili ko. Basta tigil mo na, nakakahiya e. sabihin, ang tanda tanda na, adik pa! ERIC Tulad ng pamilya.(Page 1:line 26) Yun ,habang lumalaki ung mga anak ko .yun ang number 1 !habang lumalaki ung anak ko lalo ko naiisip na itigil na talaga. (Page 1:line 30-31) Ayun nga nagiging talamak na kami.nagsusugal, nagpupuyat. (Page 1:line 14) Para makahanap ng trabaho,para hindi mapagusapan ng mga kapitbahay, kasi pag nakikita kang nakadroga, pinagtitinginan ka. (Page 1:line 30-31) isa pa yun. Kapag haharap ka sa mga tao, nahihiya ako. Yan, adik yan, ganun. FELIX Syempre sa mga pamangkin, mga bata, mga nagiging kaibigan ko para magkaroon ng panibagong buhay na makihalobilo (page 2, line 39-40) Paano ko maipapaliwanag, mahirap ipaliwanag kasi nakakahiya, yung nga syempre di ba nakakhiya dahil sa mga makakaalam, kasiraan. (page 1, line 2-3) Ahh. . andun naranasan kong yung nakakarinig ng hindi maganda, tapos sa ibang tao laging masama, pero naiisip ko parin ayun yung mga ganun. (page 1, line 9-10) Ayun yung pangangayayat, yung paranag nawawalan ka ng tiwala sa sarili, tska hindi ka na nakikihalobilo sa ibang tao dahil nagkakaroon ka nga ng hiya dahil sa kalagayan mo. (page 1, line 27-29) Syempre maginhawa na sa pakiramdam, nakakaluwag ka na kahit papaano, parang nawalan ka na ng alalahanin na baka mahuli ka, o baka madisgrasya ka ng ibang tao ganun (page 3, line 96-98) Parang ano nga sakin yun, tingin pala nila sakin ganun na. Nagkaroon ako ng idea na pwede ng magbago, na masyado na kong naaano ng kapitbahay, ganun. Parang naano rin ako sa sarili ko na subukan kong iwasan. Na ganun na yung pakiramdam sakin ng mga kakilala ko, ng kapitbahay, yung ibang nakakakilala. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na iiwasan ko. 31
GEORGE
Yun, habang lumalaki ung mga anak ko .yun ang number 1 ! habang lumalaki ung anak ko lalo ko naiisip na itigil na talaga. (page 1, line 30-31) Isipin ko lang pamilya ko ,asawa ko ,yun. (page 2, line 44) Ayun ,yung mga anak ko pati ,pamilya ko.napagiisip isip ko din sila. (page 2, line 60) Walang problema, nanjan pamilya, tsaka, basta ung always na nangyayari na nanjan pamilya mo,siguro hindi mo na maiisip yun ,hindi mo na magagawa yun. (page 2, line 68-70) Siyempre,tulad nga dati adik ka mejo wala kang kaibigan, walang tumitingin sa iyong pamilya dahil alam nila user ka, siguro yun pinaka. (page 2, line 84-85) Masarap sa pakiramdam, okay! pati pagtingin ng tao sayo okay na rin. (page 3, line 90) Tulad nga ng sinabi ko sayo kanina, paggumamit ka nyan.oo nanjajan meron kang mga kaibigan kaya lang pili ,yung tingin naman sayo ,ganun Pa rin .adik parin !pero tulad ng nagbago ka,nanjan na kusang lumalapit na sayo ang tropa kasi nga wala ka ng gingamit na droga.okay ka na ganun. (page 3, line 92-96)
IRENE Ahh unang- una yun nga yung sinabi ko sayo na walang wala ako makain, pangalawa may anak na kasi ako ninya e, ah yung akin lang inisisp ko yung kinabukas ng mga anak ko yun, ayun yung nagudyok sakin, magulang ko yung nakapalibot sakin na feeling mo lahat ng nakapalibot sayo walang tiwala ahh yung markado ka na user ka. Yun yung nagudyok sakn parang gusto kong patunayan sa mga tao nagkapaligid sakin at nagmamahal sakin na kaya kong magbago. (page 2, line 61-67) Bangungot (page 1, line 3) Ayoko na syang balikan, maalala o yung nisaglit sa isipan ko ayoko syang balikan dahil napakapangit na pangyayari sa buhay ko yun. (Page 1, line 5-7) Kasi parang nawala yung ang aking pagkatao, yung dignidad ko, marami maraming nawala, nasira sa pagkato ko nung time nay un. (Page 1, line 9-10) Ahh unang- una yun nga yung sinabi ko sayo na walang wala ako makain, pangalawa may anak na kasi ako ninya e, ah yung akin lang inisisp ko yung kinabukas ng mga anak ko yun, ayun yung nagudyok sakin, magulang ko yung nakapalibot sakin na feeling mo lahat ng nakapalibot sayo walang tiwala ahh yung markado ka na user ka. Yun yung nagudyok sakn parang gusto kong patunayan sa mga tao nagkapaligid sakin at nagmamahal sakin na kaya kong magbago. (Page 2, line 61-67) Yung mga unang taon kailangan ko kasi ipakita sa mga nakapligid sa akin tsaka yung dalawang tao nagbigay sa akin ng tiwala na para bang binigayan nila ako ng sige ito, ito ang isang chance pagkakatiwalaan kita, kung ano yung sinabi mo ahh kung baga kung ano yung sinabi mo yun ang paniniwalaan nila. Kung baga pinanghawakan ko yun at hindi ako sumira sa mga pangako ko. (page 3, line 106-111) Masarap sa buhay, ang sarap ng pakiramdam mo, wala kang kinakatakutan, magaang ang pamumuhay mo, nag pamilya mo masaya, ang mga taong nakapligid sayo merong mga tiwala. Masarap ang pakiramdam ah wala kang ano, wala kang kinakatakutan, kasi ang buhay adik para kang praning noon na halos lahat ng tao pag napatingin sayo tingin mo e ano pulis mga ganun ba, para kang praning pero ito buhay na normal napakasarap walang kang kinakatakutan dahil parehas ang laban. (page 4, line 149-156) 32
JACK Noong nalaman kong lulong na ko sa masamang bisyo yung iniiwasan na ko ng ibang kaibigan ko, galit na sakin ang nanay ko, mga kapatid ko, parang ayaw na nila akong tanggapin sa loob ng bahay, wala na silang tiwala sakin. (page 1, line 18-20) Tumigil ako nito mula noong nagkaroon ako ng adopted. A, doon nagsimula na iwasan ko na ito. (page 1, 28-29) Naisipan kong magbago dahil ito na ang dapat dahil ayokong lumaki yung anak-anakan ko na sumbatan niya ako at makita nga ang mga maling gawain ko. Baka maging masamang impluwensya ako para sa kanya. (page 34-36) Ang nagudyok sakin para magbago siguro yung konsyensya ko, yung kapaligiran, kasi gusto kong maibalik yung pagmamahal sakin ng nanay ko, at yung pagtitiwala ng mga tao at kaibigan na nawalayun ang gusto kong maibalik. Yun yung nagudyok sakin para iwasan ko (page 2, line 38-40) hindi naman ganong kadali at kabilis ang umiwas dahil nakasanayan ko yan. Mahirap yung umiwas dahil bata pa lang ako gumagamit pa lang ako niyan tsaka parte na ng buhay ko yan. A, naiwasan ko lang yan dahil meron akong inspirasyon, yung aking adopted. (page 2, line 60-62) Ang pinagsisihan ko, yung nawala yung pagmamahal ng nanay ko, yun yung number 1at yung nawala yung tiwala ng mga kapatid koyun ang number 1. (page 3, line 93-94) Ang naghihintay sakin? Sa totoo lang, ang naghihintay sakin e, napakaganda. Biyaya, grace of our Almighty God, dahil may isa akong anak na lumalaki na, matalino at mabait. (page 3, line 96-97) Noong nalaman kong lulong na ko sa masamang bisyo yung iniiwasan na ko ng ibang kaibigan ko, galit na sakin ang nanay ko, mga kapatid ko, parang ayaw na nila akong tanggapin sa loob ng bahay, wala na silang tiwala sakin. (page 1, line 18-20) Ang unang-unang naging epekto sakin ng droga aymarami akong mga bagay na, kasalanan na nagawa. At maraming mga taong nadawit sakin at mga nagtampo. (Page 23-24) Yun nga, ang pumigil sakin, yung takot ko na mawala ang pagmamahal sakin ng nanay ko, yun ang number 1at ayokong lumaki ang aking anak-anakan na nasa ganito akong sitwasyon, dahil ayokong sumbatan niya ako. (page 2, line 68-70) Hay napakasarap! Para bangnewborn (smile) Dahil naroroon na yung niyayapos na ko ng nanay ko, hindi na ko pinagsasarahan ng pinto, dati doon ako sa gate (laugh) bawal ako humawak ng peranaku, almost 40 years ako ganon, pero ngayon, ako na may hawak ng susi, ako yung nagpapapalit ng pera ng nanay ko kapag dumarating ng Japan. Binibili niya ako ng mga kailangan koalam mo yun, para akong tumama sa lotto no? (page 3, line 83-87) Ang pinagsisihan ko, yung nawala yung pagmamahal ng nanay ko, yun yung number 1at yung nawala yung tiwala ng mga kapatid koyun ang number 1. (page 3, line 93-94)
33
PARTICIPANT PROFILE
Name of participant Age Gender Drugs used Duration of drug usage Years of recovery Anne 33 F Shabu, marijuana 3 years 15 years Beth 50 F Shabu, marijuana 15 years 6 years Caloy 54 M Shabu, marijuana, corex d (syrup), ecstasy 22 years 11 years Dolly 65 F Shabu, marijuana 1 year 34 years Eric 46 M Shabu, marijuana, ecstasy 9 years 15 years Felix 43 M Shabu, marijuana, cocaine 13 years 11 years George M Shabu, marijuana, cocaine, corex d, ecstasy
Harold M Shabu, cocaine, ecstasy
Irene 47 F Shabu 10 years 13 years Jack 60 M Shabu, rugby, marijuana, cocaine, ecstasy, corex d 40 years 8 years