Title - End of the Road to Eternity By - Maria (symonk@bezeqint.net) Distribution - http://www.gaelic-aisling.com/evennow and everywhere else with my permission only.

Disclaimer - nothing's mine. All's Joss'. Rating - show's for now. Spoilers - all BtVS, AtS up to "Unleashed". Pairing - B/A Synopsis - post "Just Rewards", "Unleashed" didn't happen, it takes a different take from there. Feedback - yes, please:).

Part One

Angel walked into his apartment and tossed his duster on one of the chairs. He wasn't having the best of days, he wasn't in the best of moods. All he wanted was to reach his bed, fall asleep until he had to wake up. He hadn't seen his grandchilde at all today and that bothered him strangely. He didn't like having Spike around, at all. It was safe to say he hated it. There was another personal aspect to it he didn't like to admit, and as expected - it was Buffy. Whenever Spike wasn't around, he could pretend, even just for a moment, he could stop thinking about her. But when his grandchilde was present, it wasn't the case at all. It was worse. Not only he couldn't stop thinking about her, couldn't he stop thinking about telling her. And what would happen once he did? But Spike hadn't been around all day and it puzzled Angel. Given his newly acquired haunting ability, Spike would rarely miss a chance to shove his nose a bit deeper into where it didn't belong or find another way to annoy his grandsire, but he would never disappear for over twenty-four hours. With everything else aside, there was also the question of where he was disappearing to. Angel was worried... But as he turned on the lights, he found exactly what he'd expected to. "What the hell are you doing here, Spike?" Angel brushed past his grandchilde on his way to his bedroom, now that Spike was there, trying to ignore his existence as much as possible. Spike sank into a leather chair, casually eyeing the other vampire. "You've got a message, mate. Very interesting, you might wanna listen to it," he nodded at the phone. Angel froze in his tracks and revolved. He didn't even need Spike to tell him who that message was from. Silently, he hit the play button on the machine. "Angel, it's me. I know you're not in now, and I know I promised I'd call today the last time we talked, but something came up. I have to make it quick, I'm sorry I can't talk, we'll talk soon. Angel I have something I need to tell you, but that'll have to wait, too, I guess. And Angel I love you. I'll talk to you soon."

"Hmmm certainly brings up the question whether your little friends know about it. Bet they wouldn't be very happy, if they heard you're keeping such secrets from them." "None of your business, Spike," Angel snapped. "Stay out of it." "Like hell, I will!" the bleached vampire jumped to his feet. "Last time I heard from her," he mockingly repeated Angel's words, "when was that, yesterday? You think you're just gonna hide me from her?! Who gave you the bleedin' right to decide? I love you, Angel," this time the mockery came on Buffy's expense, "might interest you to know she said the same thing to me." Angel looked at him, his gaze strong and confident, yet never losing that dangerous gleam of darkness that would surface every time Spike dared to cross over to his territory, which in most cases was his Slayer. *His* Slayer. And if Spike insisted on constantly having his nose rubbed into it, Angel would make sure he'd get just that. "It's not gonna work, Spike," he finally spoke, his voice calm and casual as he deleted the message Buffy had left on his machine. "I know all about what Buffy told you, it doesn't bother me, doesn't threaten me. *You* don't threaten me. You piss the hell out of me, but you don't threaten me, Spike." And as he steadily held the other vampire's gaze, both knew he wasn't lying. As much as Angel's feelings for Spike were rather mixed since he had learned about his soul, especially taking into account the blond vampire's present condition, he still despised and hated him. Spike he had touched his Slayer, his woman, his mate. But that was on the physical plane only. It never went beyond that, and Angel knew that. Deep inside, Spike knew that, too. "I'm gonna go to sleep." With that, he simply disappeared inside the darkness of his bedroom. "They are going to find out eventually!" Spike shouted after him. Angel sighed and slammed the door shut, knowing that corporal or not corporal, Spike wasn't going to follow. His friends... if they did find out, or when they would find out... he'd deal with that when the time was right.

Angel briefly glanced at the person who'd just walked through his door, instantly returning his attention to the file he was reading. "Which part of this is my office did you not understand?" Eve merely smiled, as she, too naturally for Angel's liking, found a seat on his desk, crossing her mini skirt clad legs one over the other. "Your secretary said you weren't busy. I thought I'd drop by to see how you're doing." "I didn't know the Senior Partners were so interested in my well being." She moved closer, reaching out her hand to the silk collar of his royal blue shirt, letting her fingers caress upon the soft fabric as she spoke, his eyes never leaving her face. "I keep telling you, but you wouldn't listen. Fighting us isn't going to solve your problems. You should have known better by now. We're not the enemy, we're just... there." Angel knew what she was referring to. Evil. He also knew he'd heard a similar line once before. "It's none of your business whom I'm fighting, Eve. I'm sure with everything that's been going on, you have enough to keep the Senior Partners busy for a while." "True," she agreed, letting go of his shirt and slightly drawing back from him. "But you have personal interest in it, boss, which makes it far more interesting to watch. So what they want to know right now, is how *you* will handle it."

He didn't answer, just waited for her to say something else. When she didn't, he looked her straight in the eyes. "Point taken. Now, if you don't mind, I'm busy. I'm sure you can show yourself out." "Please do. Eve." Slowly, Angel turned his head to the door, inwardly praying the person standing there wasn't the person he already knew it was. "Buffy," a pleasant smile spread across Eve's lips as she gracefully slid off his desk and walked over to the Slayer. Angel watched her in disbelief, not even minding the question rising inevitably in his head how she even knew who Buffy was. Of course, she did. But he knew *Buffy* and looking at the blonde Slayer now, with her head high, her arms folded challengingly over her chest, her eyes two menacing slits of green, Eve was walking on very dangerous ground. Eve's confidence amazed Angel, up to a certain extent, he almost admired it because even for someone who was meeting Buffy for the first time, she should have known it was her cue to back off. Instead she stepped forward, holding out her hand, still smiling. Buffy only graced it with a quick glance, instantly turning to look at Angel. If looks could kill The man in him relished, almost savored that look on her face, knowing after everything she was his woman. Also, he could remember only too clearly how many times in the past she must have seen that look on his face, the reason to quite a few of them was now regularly haunting his office, his apartment, his life Angel shook his head. Spike wasn't helping this picture, and as much as he was enjoying it, trouble was the last thing he needed or wanted. "Buffy" "Do I know you?" she sharply turned to Eve, completely ignoring his mention of her name. "Because if I had the pleasure, I'm sure I'd remember." "No, you don't," Angel stepped in, as calmly as he could, putting a hand on the Slayer's arm, almost flinching at the steely feel of her knotted muscles. No, she most probably wasn't going to start anything with Eve, but he could tell when she was angry, more like furious. He reevaluated after a moment, and given the display she had walked in on, she probably had every right to be considerably. "I'm Eve," the other woman answered the Slayer's former question, still maintaining that same sweet smile on her face, her eyes never revealing the slightest glimpse of anything resembling either alarm or full fledged fear. The only difference was that she had taken a hint and pulled her hand back. "I work here. I've heard so much about you, it's a pleasure to meet you." The Slayer eyed her from head to toe for several moments, which to Angel, seemed a bit too long, before finally stating, "Don't be so sure." "Hmm," Eve slightly tugged at her shoulders, still smiling, "maybe some other time then. I'll let you two catch up. Angel," she flashed the vampire a grin as she gracefully sauntered past him and the Slayer and out of the office, making sure to close the door on her way out. The two stood in silence for a moment, before Angel finally spoke, "Buffy" The Slayer shot him a look that instantly swallowed every word he was about to say. "Eve," she slowly uttered the name. "So did she already make you bite off the apple, Angel? Cause we wouldn't wanna ruin the cliche, would we?" "Wha-" the vampire gaped at her in disbelief, "how d-"

"Oh, come on!" Buffy threw her hands in the air, walking over to his desk and perching on top of it. Never taking her eyes off Angel, she reclined backwards, supporting herself on her hands, and folded one slender leg over the other. "Do I need an apple too?" she asked quietly, her voice only a tad above whisper, her hard gaze paralyzing him. "Then again didn't I already send you to hell?" After holding his gaze trapped for another second, she quickly turned away and jumped back to the floor, taking a few steps in Angel's direction, stopping only inches from him. "I *really* thought you had more sense than that." He groaned, almost rolling his eyes, and it seemed whatever spell she had had over him was wearing off. "She works here, Buffy, she's my link, or whatever, to the Senior Partners. I didn't exactly hire her, she kinda came with the office." "Oh, I see," she considered for a moment, before looking back up at him, "then it must be okay." The vampire gave her a look before walking around her and stopping at his desk, leaning back against it and folding his arms on his chest, as if expecting her to go on saying whatever she had to say. "So was she the reason you were so eager to pay for my little trip to Europe?" That he didn't see coming. For a second he didn't even understand what the hell she was so upset about. What was bothering her so much about Eve. Had she had any expectations from him for the summer, given the fact she was the one who left him without as much as giving him a solid answer, a simple yes or no. She had just left. She didn't even say she would be coming back. Aside from the random phone calls none of his friends - well now Spike, Angel thought, recalling last night's incident knew of, they had no contact in the past months. And these calls they hurt Angel more than any final goodbye could, because at least a goodbye would be final. It wouldn't leave him alone to a sleepless night, wondering whether she might have had something she wanted to tell him in that call, but changed her mind... "I did that, because you wanted to," he replied, trying to keep his anger and bitterness from reflecting in the tone of his voice, all the while knowing he was doing a poor job at it. "You wanted to go, Buffy, remember? You said you needed to get away, to figure things out, hell you knew what it was all about more than me, after all. Not like you bothered to clue me in on any of it! You *wanted* to go, and I offered to help you. Forget about all this," he gestured mindlessly at the office, "I could give you so much more than money and a trip to Europe, Buffy, I offered you to stay *here*, but you wanted to go!" "I wasn't ready," the Slayer said quietly, her intense gaze melting with her voice. "I wasn't ready to stay, and what I wanted from you wasn't about money." He sighed, rubbing his forehead as though the entire conversation gave him a headache. "I know that. That's why I offered you to *stay*" "But I didn't expect to come back here, only to find you messing around with some bimbo from hell that happens to be your link to the real bad guys *you* happen to, by the way, work for!" The vampire swallowed, averting his eyes from her and inhaling a deep breath. "There is nothing go-" "You'll have to be a bit more convincing than that," the Slayer interrupted him without hesitation. He laughed, a dry and hoarse laugh. "See, the funny thing is, that I really don't know why I have to be convincing at all because in that scenario, when I finally offered you everything, you left me, *not* the other way around." When she was about to say something back, he held up his hand, wordlessly ordering her not to answer. "Why did you come back? Hell, I didn't even think you would." "Well, you thought wrong," she bit back.

Angel nodded. "Where are the others? They're back, too?" Buffy shook her head. "Dawn didn't wanna come back." He gave her a knowing look, "Why do I find it so hard to believe you just let her do that and left her there?" She sighed, walking over to him and climbing up on his desk to his right, folding her hands in her lap. "I told you over the phone, Giles and a few other survivors, as we call them, they're trying to rebuild the Council, they're regrouping, bringing in more people, it's been growing pretty well so far. With so many Slayers needing Watching, they need many people to do that." Angel looked at her for a while, not saying anything. Her voice was soft and somewhat sad, and he guessed right thinking that leaving Dawn behind was not entirely her choice to make. As immune as he thought he could be to her pain when he wanted to, he knew inside he never truly could. As trivial as it may be, no anger could hold him back from feeling it along with her. He climbed on the desk as well and reached for one of her hands. Pretending to ignore the momentary surprised look she gave him, Angel laced their fingers together and weakly squeezed her small palm. "So what does that have to do with Dawn?" he prodded gently. "She wanted to stay there. Over the summer, she's become so invested in the whole thing, and Giles was encouraging it. I mean, they never were particularly close." Not like me and him, he heard her thoughts saying the rest. "I guess she just felt important, like she was really contributing. And you know that Dawn needs that, so she got more and more into it, and we had that talk a while back, Giles and I, he thinks that- he wants to-" "He wants to train her?" Buffy nodded, looking into her lap. "Yeah. To be a Watcher, eventually. And she wants it, too, so I let her." This time, it was his turn to nod. "But you didn't have to leave." "No," she squeezed his hand, making him look at her. "I really did." They held each other's gaze for a long spell, both waiting for her to say something else, both having the same thing in mind. Ultimately, when nothing came, Angel broke the silence again, "And Willow and Xander? How are they doing?" A tiny smile graced the Slayer's lips at the mention of her best friends. "Willow, she a few days ago, she gave Xander a little present." At Angel's questioning gaze, she proceeded after a beat, "She kinda gave him a new eye." He stared at her, almost in disbelief. "What?" "Yeah," she laughed. "One might ask what's an eye for a gal who's raising the dead and destroying the world for fun, but as it turned out, she'd been looking for a... legal way to do that." "Legal how?" "In the sense that she wanted to do that pretty much ever since he lost his original one, but didn't want to turn to that kind of magic, even for Xander, so she'd been looking for a way that wouldn't piss Giles off, for starters. I-I don't really know how that works. I just know that she found it, a more natural and conventional way to give Xander his eye back, which she did. That's pretty much it."

"I see" "Yep, that's Willow," Buffy grinned, but it took only Angel to see that smile wasn't entirely happy. For now though, he chose to let it drop. Surprisingly, Buffy chose against it. "I'm glad she did that. He's pretty much been through everything by now, and it's good that something like that happens to him for a change." "So he's... better now." "Yeah. I guess," the Slayer offered dubiously. "It's just that... even Willow can't fix everything." And Angel knew she was talking about Anya. "We never really got along, but there was one thing I always admired in Xander. Whatever life would through his way, no matter how bad it was, he had the ability to always smile in its face and just walk on. I don't think I ever met anyone who could do that as easily as he could." "I know," Buffy smiled at his sharp observation and at the unfamiliar way in which he talked about her best friend. "That's what I love most about him. That's why he's so easy to lean on all the time, just for being Xander." After a beat, she added, attempting to change the subject, "By the way, your good pal Kennedy is officially history." He shrugged, cooperating. "Never really thought it'd work out. She's not Willow's type. I didn't like her." "No, she's not," Buffy chuckled at the mention of the last and only time Kennedy had met Angel. If she and Willow hadn't interfered in time - mostly for Willow's sake because in Buffy's book Kennedy definitely had it coming - her days as an actual Slayer would have been much less numbered than she'd thought. "And I didn't like her either. You'd like Tara though if you knew her, I mean," a note of faraway sadness entered her voice and Angel gave another squeeze to her hand. She hated being reminded of that her friends, people she loved that were no longer in this world for whatever reason. After all those years as the Slayer, death was still something she couldn't fight. Angel eyed her for a long moment. All he knew about Tara were stories he'd heard from Buffy at one time or the other. Well, that and the fact her death had driven Willow to try and bring the world to an end. Besides that, all he had heard about was what a good and kind person she was. Everybody liked her, Buffy liked her "I'm sorry," he whispered softly, letting go of her hand and bringing his up to rest on the small of her back. Maybe, in light of the circumstances, there wasn't a more perfect moment to do that. As much as he hated to bring him up, especially to her of all people, "Buffy," he swallowed, clearing his throat and patiently searched for her eyes until he was looking right in them, "there is something I really need to tell you. As much as I really don't want to, but you have to know-" "About Spike," she finished his thought softly, laying a soothing hand on his thigh. "I know." He stared at her, a part of him trying to decide whether or not she was angry with him for not having told her anything even though he knew the other vampire had been back for days. The other part wanted to know how come she wasn't even a little surprised. He couldn't help the thought she may have known this could happen, so why hadn't *she* said anything to him? "That's why I'm here, Angel." Well, if she hadn't crushed his dreams before "Right." He drew his hand from her shoulder, bringing it down to his lap. "So, that's it? You know what's going on?"

"No," she said simply. "I just know that he's back." Angel looked at her, absorbing the meaning behind those words. So *he* brought her here. "How?" "Giles told me. I guess he's got friends who have their ways to find out. Like they knew when Willow went bad. They knew something was stirring up here, having to do with the amulet and a ghostly presence stuck between dimensions. We put the pieces together and figured out that somehow it must be Spike." "I know he's stuck, Buffy. He's got something in this world tying him here, and he's got something someplace else pulling him there, how do you think you're gonna help him?" Buffy waited a long moment before answering, "Giles says the only way we can sever that link is to destroy the amulet, cut him loose from this world." "I know," Angel admitted. "I figured you would. I also know you'd never do that. As much as you hate Spike, you would never do that." At his hesitating nod, she added softly, "You won't condemn him to hell, Angel. I can't do that either. We have to figure out another way." He chuckled, running a hand through his dark hair. "Should have known." She glared at him as though reading into his thoughts, vampire or not, "Care to explain?" "What's there to explain?" he threw his hands up, heading towards the door. "We'll get Spike to be corporeal again, everybody's happy. Isn't that what you want?" "Angel!" her voice stopped him just as he was about to open the door and get out. Then, softly, she added, "Angel, don't go. Please." "Why?" he asked hoarsely, without turning around. There was no answer for a while and he was about to go as he'd planned, when she finally said, "Because I love you."

next Part Two

Angel pulled his hand from the door and leaned his palms on one of the flaps, exhaling. "You know," he chuckled softly, obviously not seeing the need to turn around as he spoke to her. "I've been hearing that for months, more times than I could ever hope for, but also by far more times than I wanted to. There were times I wanted so much to hear you say that, but then I just started praying I'd never hear you say that again. Dammit, Buffy," he smacked one of his hands over the wooden door, so hard it almost cracked, startling the Slayer as he abruptly spun around. "Why?" he demanded hoarsely, looking her straight in the eye and Buffy could clearly detect the tears welling up in his. It was months ago, the last time she saw him drop his barriers and open up to such extent. It was months ago the last time she saw him... "I'm sorry," she whispered, cautiously advancing upon him.

But he wasn't going anywhere. He just leaned his back against the door. "You're the only one who can do that to me, you know that? When you're not here, I'm fine. Hell I'm so *fine* my best friends don't even notice when something's *not* fine, well except for Wes, but he knows to never say anything anyway. And then you come... and suddenly I can't pretend anymore. I'm just so tired of this, Buffy, I'm *tiered* of repeatedly going through this emotional roller-coaster, it doesn't lead anywhere!" The blonde stepped closer, taking his both hands in hers. "I'm sorry... I had no choice." "No choice?" he released a bitter laugh, surveying his office. "Dammit, where's Spike when he really should be here to hear this..." Feeling the Slayer's pained gaze resting on him, drove Angel's eyes back to her. "It's him, Buffy, he's the problem. I offered you everything, *everything*. Even the curse wasn't an issue anymore, and you knew that. And you still left. You just left. If it wasn't for Spike, Buffy, why did you leave? Don't tell me you're sorry, just tell me why." She blinked and choked back tears that were rising now in her own throat. "It *was* Spike. At first, it- it was." The vampire rolled his eyes, but before he had a chance to comment, she continued. "He knew, Angel. He knew everything. I kissed you... and he knew." He was just staring at her, as his mind was easily making sense of words that made no sense at all to an average person. "When you kissed me... do you even know what it meant to me?" "Yes," she croaked. He took a moment to let that sink in. "When I came to you, I already knew about Spike. And not because I could smell him, but because I knew. The same firm I now run, they were kind enough to introduce me to *everything*. And that you did what you did, that you were with *Spike*... God, Buffy." She let go of his hands, casting her eyes to the floor. Inside she knew what had initiated the whole mess in her life that was titled Spike, she knew what had driven her to it. But she was never more ashamed of it than she was now. She knew Angel would understand, if he knew. He probably already did both, never mind how much that may have hurt him nevertheless. But for the first time in years she was truly asking herself... why hadn't she come to him instead? She looked up again when she felt his cool hand on her cheek, his fingertips tenderly caressing her flesh in that way she had longed for so much. "I loved you, I *love* you, more than anything in the world. But I was so afraid when I came to you that night, to give you the files and the amulet. I wanted to stay and fight with you, as much as I knew you would never let me. I was ready to be there for you any way I could. But I was so afraid... that you wouldn't have me. Because of him. But when you kissed me like that, everything just vanished, all that fear, it just disappeared. I was blown away. And then you promised me, the same thing you promised me five years ago, by the way. Do you even remember that?" The corner of his mouth curved up in a tiny smile as he gently brushed his thumb over her lips. "Of course, I do," she asserted, bringing her hand up to his face. "Did you mean it?" he still felt the necessity to ask. "I did." He nodded silently. "Then why did you go? Why did you turn your back on me after that? When you came to me, the same day you all got on that damned plane to England, you came to me and you told me that was

it. You were ready, you were normal, and at the same time you weren't, you were just you, just like you always wanted to. You had a chance to have the life you always wanted to, a real chance. If you didn't mean what I thought you meant by that-" "I owed him that much, Angel," she hated to interrupt him, especially with that excuse, but she had to. "After everything that happened, I couldn't just- I had to get away." He sniffed and looked up from her, nodding slightly in almost understanding. "After I did, I realized it was for me, too, that I had so many things to work through. I couldn't just slip back into it, as much as I'd want to, and neither could you. I had to be sure I wouldn't screw it up all the way to hell allover again. If I thought for a second there was even the slightest chance we could lose this time, too, I couldn't let that happen yet." "Buffy," he breathed her name softly, as she cradled his face in her small hands, locking their eyes together. "You still love me," she said. "You already know that." "But it wasn't enough for me anymore," she surprised him with her answer. "I guess five years really do make you grow up in ways you didn't know you even could." She took a deep breath and slightly pulled away from him. "When I asked Willow to do that spell, to make all the Potentials real Slayers, only afterwards I realized I didn't fully understand what I was asking her to do. Afterwards, Angel, I didn't think you would... a part of me, it just stopped. Whatever in me that used to be special, it wasn't special anymore." He just stared at her, his gaze a strange mixture of confusion and astonishment. "What?" he heard himself ask, even though he already knew. Buffy swallowed, breaking their eye contact. "A part of me just couldn't help but think that... I wouldn't be special to you, too." "Buffy," Angel shook his head, firmly grabbing her shoulders and making her look at him. Chasing away all his thoughts, he only left one - what he was going to say, what he only just realized he should have said months ago, maybe then things would have turned out differently. "What you did, when you decided to share your power with those girls, I have never, *never* been more proud of you. I know how hard it was for you to make that decision, to take that step, but you knew all along you were doing the right thing and you did it. Buffy, I love you more than anything in the world, I don't care how many Slayers are out there now, neither one of them can even begin to compare to you. You're one of many to the world now, Buffy, but to me you're just one. You always will be, nothing can ever change that." Buffy only smiled weakly, reaching up to her face to wipe her cheeks with the back of her hand. "Angel," she rose on her tiptoes and closed her eyes when the soft familiar feel of his lips invaded her allover again. They didn't even hear the knock on the door. "Angel, I wanted to- Buffy," the former Watcher noticed the obvious presence of the Slayer just as she reluctantly broke the kiss with her renewed lover and rested her head on his chest, facing away from Wesley, her arms firmly locked around his neck. The vampire blinked a couple of times and sucked in a breath. His own arms tightened possessively around the small body of his Slayer as he was trying to form words or at least find something, anything, to tell his

friend who maybe wasn't demanding an instant explanation, but his eyes indicated he would very much like to have one. Only that the former Watcher also knew the difference between things that could wait and things that couldn't. "I-I'll... come back later. It's nice to see you again, Buffy," he offered a small smile to the Slayer, who by now had turned her head to look at him, and walked out the way he came.

As soon as Wesley closed the door to Angel's office behind him, Gunn moved in for it, followed by Fred. "Let's go," the Brit touched the young lawyer's arm as he moved past him, leading them away. "What's going on?" Gunn wanted to know. Though he'd agreed to follow Wesley, he threw a couple of dubious looks at Angel's office over his shoulder, also exchanging one with Fred. "I think we should give him a minute, whatever we have to talk to him about, it can wait." "What's going on, Wes?" the other man asked more firmly this time, as he came to full stop, refusing to go any further until he received some answers. "Wesley?" Fred prodded gently when their friend still hadn't said anything. He hesitated for another short while. In the end of the day, his friends had the right to know, especially given the fact Wesley knew that what he'd seen in that room only moments ago was something he thought he'd never see at all - it was a reunion. And this time, it was final. The Slayer and the ensouled vampire were once again, after years of separation, a couple. He recalled the time Buffy had come to see Angel months ago right after she and her friends had vanquished the First Evil and managed to escape the now permanently destroyed Sunnydale. He remembered the two had locked themselves in Angel's office for over an hour, to talk things through, to reach a decision - that had never happened. Angel had been brooding for days afterwards and nobody knew what was wrong, except for Wesley. Neither of them had seen him in that state for years. But now it was deferent. Wesley had to suppress a knowing smile stubbornly creeping up to his lips. What he saw just minutes ago in his friend's eyes, and in the Slayer's eyes was something he had never seen. Behind the veil of heartache and what he knew were recently shed tears on both parts, he saw the purest embodiment of peace. Neither Buffy, nor Angel would let anything stand in their way now, neither one of them was turning back from the resolution they'd both finally come to. So the rest might as well know that, too. "He's not alone," he stated, glancing at Angel's office. "Meaning?" Gunn interrogated. Wesley rubbed his chin, avoiding his friends' gazes for a moment. "He's with... Buffy. I thought they should have their privacy." "Buffy?" this time Fred was the one who asked. "The Slayer? The one who died?" "Well, as you know, she is quite alive," Wesley commented dryly. It was unbelievable to him at times just how little the group closest to Angel really knew about him. In other words, just how much he had managed to keep away from them. One might think he'd want to be honest about something as momentous in his life as Buffy.

"Well what's she doing here?" Fred asked again. "I thought she was in Europe." "She was," the Brit acknowledged with a slight nod, "Apparently, she's back." "But-" "Wait a second," Gunn interrupted their conversation. "Buffy. If bells ring right, that girl's the only thing in the world that can break Angel's curse. If she's back because of what I know she is..." "I'm certain she is," Wesley observed casually. "And the curse is not a problem anymore, as I'm sure you both know," he looked between his two friends. "Willow said it herself. Jenny Calendar tried to take the clause out when she replicated the original Gypsy curse years ago, but she came up empty handed. When he was cursed by Willow the first time around, the clause still held. But after she cursed him the second time, it was gone. Over the years, Willow managed to do what Ms. Calendar couldn't. The use of the curse was almost identical, except that the first time, his soul was lifted but a true moment of happiness. The second time, it wasn't the case." The lawyer looked at him dubiously. "Angel told us himself that the Shaman had to dig into his mind to recreate a moment of happiness, in order to lift his soul. Same ol'." "No," Wesley protested. "It doesn't matter what the Shaman made him believe, whatever tricks he played inside his head. The soul was expelled from his body using dark magic. It did *not* have the same effect as did the true moment of happiness with Buffy. Willow explained that another part of the curse was that should Angel's soul be restored, the manner in which it was lost must play a part in the restoration. Which means, it's a cycle, if he loses his soul due to true happiness, there is only one way in which it can be restored - so he would lose it again, the next time he experiences true happiness. So he's doomed to lose his soul again and again whenever the happiness clause kicked in. That's why he had to stay away from Buffy, because then she became an actual danger, one of the triggers to his curse was identified. But there have always been others, dark magic is one of those. However when you take away his soul using magic, true happiness no longer plays a part in the recursing. In that aspect, he is safe. He and... Buffy are... safe," Wesley concluded, watching mindfully as Fred and Gunn took in everything he'd just said, hoping they also understood the meaning of it. Gunn made the obvious statement first. "So basically, what you're saying is that since the happiness clause's no longer active, everyone can come play some dark mojo and no more soul?" Wesley didn't like the sound of that, but... "Yes. Basically. But that danger had always been there, Buffy, or Angel's relationship with her, never had and never will have anything to do with it. You can't fight magic with magic, Gunn, not in this case. No matter what it says in the curse, magic can always find a way around it - everything can be done by magic. Even your own soul can be taken using magic. Besides, do you wanna go in there and tell them they can't be together? Because somehow, I doubt your opinion will matter much after all this time." The African-American satisfied with a sharp glare in the other man's direction, while Fred stammered, "Bbut I thought... Cordelia..." Wesley let out a short laugh, inwardly realizing they all had been fooled in the past couple of years in one way or the other. Possibly even Angel himself. "Not while Buffy is in the picture." "But she *wasn't* in the picture, Wes," Fred insisted. "Not directly, no," he agreed. "But beneath the surface, she always was, always has been. Especially for Angel. After what I saw, I'm more sure than ever."

"But he loved Cordelia," the brunette insisted, clearly very confused. "I'm sure he did. And... I thought he still-" "Maybe he did," the ex-Watcher considered for a moment, "maybe he didn't. Maybe it was another scheme of the same dark power that played a large part in all of our lives the past two years. I suppose we'll never know. But what I am sure of is that he never loved anyone the way he loved Buffy. As far as I know for certain, Angel only had two women in his entire life, with whom he was seriously romantically involved. Leaving the question of Cordelia out of it for the time being, it leaves us with Darla and Buffy. Darla was an obsession of Angelus, whatever feelings he had harbored for her were rooted in darkness, and whatever they were, it wasn't love. Angel told me so himself, without a soul, love was something he was incapable of. Then we have Buffy. In over two-hundred years, that I know of, he loved that one woman. When he came back from hell, Giles told me that he was like an animal, Buffy kept his return a secret at first and had been taking care of Angel herself. From what we have come to know of hell, not from Angel's experience necessarily, the beings that arrive there forget everything, they are stripped from any identity they once had, physical torture aside, their mind is invaded and destroyed in ways we can't begin to imagine. And as time moves differently there than it is on earth, since Buffy had sent him there and by the time Angel got out, he had been there for hundreds of years." Wesley paused as he saw Fred flinch involuntarily and wrap her arms around herself. He also noted the expression in Gunn's eyes was similar to hers. They obviously never knew anything about that. "Why he came back, we still don't know," he soon resumed his speech. "Only given the fact he has a much bigger destiny, we can assume the Powers were involved in getting him out. But after he came back... he didn't remember anything. Probably didn't know even his own name. But he knew enough to, only days following his return, break from the chains Buffy had put him in herself, track her down across Sunnydale and rescue her from a monster she was fighting. Buffy later told that to Giles, I only know about it because I read his diaries after the Council transferred Buffy over to my responsibility. Now that I think about it, maybe I had no right to read some of what was written there, because the way she confided in Giles was not common between Slayers and their Watchers, their relationship transcended that by far. According to the written there, that night he said her name for the first time and collapsed in her arms, crying. It was the first time since his return that he showed emotion, any emotion. And Buffy never told him her name." He paused again, to give a little thought to what he was about to say next. "Back then, I wasn't something to write home about, personality-wise, so I never understood things I take now for granted. I was wrong." "I think we all were," Fred admitted softly, then sighed. "I can't believe I pushed him towards Cordelia. I-I mean, I didn't know... all about Buffy. I remember when Cordy told him she was alive, he just disappeared, in a flash. One moment he was there, the next he wasn't. I should have known." "The bite marks on her neck," Gunn gestured at his own as he brought that up, "they're his, aren't they? I asked you the last time she was here why a Slayer with her rep had bite marks, you never told me, you said you didn't know. But you told me once Angel was poisoned by Faith, with the only cure being Slayer's blood. Should have put two and two together, right?" The Brit nodded. "Buffy... he was weak, he was dying, I don't even know what she did to force him to bite her. As I said, I didn't believe it at first, I tried to come up with dozens of explanations as to why they would be involved. A vampire and a Slayer, it was inconceivable for me to understand they simply loved each other. Or how much." "Well, I'm pretty sure we'll soon experience it first-hand," Gunn pointed, as the three of them turned simultaneously to look at Angel's office. Nobody said anything else, until suddenly Fred spoke up, "But what about Spike?"

next

Part Three

"But what about Spike?" Sometimes being a ghost - or whatever he was, 'ghost' just being a simpler way to put into words what others including himself couldn't quite understand yet - actually had a bright side to it as well. There was seeing but remaining unseen; hearing but possessing the ability to make no sound. Spike wasn't in the least interested in putting these qualifications into use, in fact, he was more than eager to get rid of the entire gift package all together. But even he had to admit that sometimes they came in handy. And sometimes... he wished they hadn't existed at all. The perks of being a ghost, mixed and driven by a person's natural and just as deadly sense of curiosity, had nothing good in store for him. So that was how he found himself, standing just around the corner, eavesdropping on a conversation that wasn't meant for his ears at all. But once he had heard the name 'Buffy', he could no longer turn away, and since he knew no one would notice him if he stayed... he just stayed. Unheard and unseen, almost merging with the wall while his mind drifted too much to maintain a visible form, Spike stood, and listened. Angel's friends, they were talking about Buffy. At first, he didn't even understand why they would be talking about her to begin with until he heard Angel's name as well. They weren't talking about Buffy, they were talking about Buffy and Angel. As a couple. Could it be they knew what was going on, that Angel had stayed in touch with the Slayer even though he had told them he hadn't? Spike soon dismissed that theory, he knew many people who could keep a secret or two from the people closest to them only too well, but none as well as his grandsire, or for that matter, the Slayer. With her he experienced it personally one time, when he *was* the secret. But Angel... for as long as he knew him, soul or no soul, there was a whole world inside him unattainable for anyone unless granted access by the vampire himself, which if at all, very seldom happened. No matter how anyone tried, they could never really know what was hidden within him. In so many aspects, Angel was the perfect actor as over the years, he honed his ability to brood and perfected it into an art. He could turn to stone on the emotional level even when stricken by the worst. Spike sometimes envied him for that as he himself could never do that. No one could hide the truth better than Angel. No one could fake better than him. If he wanted something nonexistent, he made it that way. Spike had heard his share of stories of how Angel had changed over the past few years, after all, vampires were talking, too. But Spike knew Angel better than they all did, and he knew some things were unchangeable. No, his friends didn't know anything, they couldn't have. Angelus, the Scourge of Europe, was not only invincible, he was impenetrable - that's why he was invincible. Nothing could hurt him because if he wanted to, nothing could touch him, and Spike was never like that. Spike had seen a lot of evil in his long life that surpassed his own by far, but though he'd seen stronger and more powerful monsters walking the earth, none of them was as cruel and ruthless as Angelus. The Master himself knew that, too, and though Spike knew Angelus had once turned against him, stealing his mate in the process, the Master wanted him and no other to sit at his right hand during the coming Apocalypse. One of the main sources to his power was the ability to, no matter what, be impervious. Some could attribute having no emotions to having no soul, but Spike knew better. There was a time when he had no soul, too, so no, it wasn't just about that. And Angel, the ensouled, carried that ability to contain everything behind brick walls into his new life as well. Angel was a survivor on his own, which was something Spike never was. Angel was better with his friends around him, Angelus was better with Darla, but he was able to stand strong and last without them as well, after all, for almost a century, he'd proven that. Spike remembered how he had once told Buffy the first thing he did after becoming a vampire was get himself a gang. That was not entirely true because he only joined an already existent very powerful family,

but the general idea still stood - he was no good on his own. Without Drusilla, and an all-around worthless gang of followers that was available, Spike was nothing, as he had said so once to Buffy himself. They had something in common, Angel and he - a large portion of their strength lay in the people surrounding them. The real question was, what would they be once they were on their own? Spike dreaded to ask it, while Angel, knowing it was the scariest thing out there, had to deal with it. Buffy was for so long the source of Angel's strength and Spike knew it. It was one of the reasons why he had wanted her so bad, before he fell in love with her. He craved for a taste of that strength, that power that was given to Angel unconditionally. He had never realized that in so many ways, they were feeding each other. That it wasn't about power, but about vulnerability, that she was the first person in centuries to break through that brick wall. Buffy never gave Spike power, though she made him vulnerable. He never received anything from her because she didn't need him back. What he got from that was an occasional empty rush on his own expense. Oh yeah, and a soul. Angel had been granted his soul back as a punishment, he hadn't seen it coming, he was rejected by Darla and remaining all alone, wandered for decades without doing anything with his life until he had hit rock bottom. But he had survived. Spike received his soul after having endured inconceivable trials only to impress a woman that never loved him back. His history was full of similar actions - of powerful women for whom he would do anything, and receive nothing in return, but he never learned, and that one topped them all. Without Buffy to help him, he would have never made it through the first *weeks*. Spike envied Angel because of all those things and more, and whatever got him Buffy - he envied him for it, too. And now Buffy was here, in Angel's office, with Angel, right now as he was standing there and eavesdropping on his friends. She came back to him, to Angel. That moment, Spike realized he was wrong thinking Angel was intentionally keeping his existence out of Buffy's knowledge. The thought had probably crossed the older vampire's mind one time or the other, but in truth - he just didn't know how to tell her. Angel knew that keeping Spike a secret was never an option because losing Buffy was never one. He was less threatened by him than Spike had thought. Now, he had a different place to haunt...

What he saw there was the last thing he'd expected, finding the vampire casually seating on the large sofa in his office and the Slayer, with her jacket and shoes off, occupying his lap. Spike didn't know that only about half an hour before he arrived in Angel's office, Slayer and vampire were engaged in a typically dramatic reunion, having nothing to do with what they were discussing now, he didn't know because nothing about them or the atmosphere in the room could imply that. Not a single note of sadness was perceptible in either of their voices as they spoke or in their eyes. On the contrary, the emotions radiating from them were those of comfort and normality, of peace. Now, they were simply sitting together and talking, and they didn't appear to be a couple that had recently gotten back together, as Spike had learned from the conversation he'd listened in on earlier, but a couple that had never broken up... "I don't know, Angel, I just don't think its right. The more I think about it, the less right it seems." "Buffy, I I don't really think it's your decision to make. Let's put it straight out, it's not exactly your business." The Slayer rolled her eyes dramatically and shifted a bit in the vampire's lap to make herself more comfortable. "Well as I'm sure you already know, when the people I love are involved, I sort of tend to make it my business." Her brow furrowed slightly as the realization of what she'd just said sunk in and she

added, "Except for the part where I'm having trouble remembering the exact time Faith started to fall into that category." Angel laughed at that and Buffy couldn't help but smile as well. "But still, it's Faith's life. And she's a big girl, if I know her the way I think I do, she is more than capable of taking care of herself. Also, remember that it's not really easy for her to trust people, she doesn't just trust anybody-" "Angel, that's just it! He's not just anybody. He put these ideas into her head, that she's missing out on stuff because she doesn't open up to people-" Now it was his turn to cut her off. "Well, has it ever crossed your mind that he might be right?" Buffy pouted, bringing out her most irresistible face as far as Angel was concerned. He looked away with a sigh and her orbs sparked with a mischievous grin. "It's just that its way more complicated than that," she explained, trying to conjure up her most serious tone. "You told me-" "Did I tell you what he did to Spike?" Angel sighed, "Alright, I see your point. But I happen to see his point, too." "Angel, I don't know. Maybe I have this weakness for ensouled vampires, call it however you want it to. But even if we put the fact he was trying to hurt the soul when he should be punishing the demon aside for the sake of argument, it was neither the time nor the place to play vengeance, he should have known better. And I'm sure you can come up with at least a dozen justifications for his actions, and Spike could, too, which is why he didn't kill him." He considered that for a moment. "But what does it have to do with Faith?" "Nothing specific, it was just an example to prove why he's not the type of guy in whose hands I would entrust my friend. He's got this thing for Slayers. Probably because his mom was one, he told me once I reminded him of her and I took it as a compliment, but" "But what?" he probed, seeing she had trouble finding the words. "I don't really think it was, in the long run. Before Faith, the center of his so-called obsession was me. I can't help thinking the only reason he's with Faith to begin with is because she is a Slayer." "Maybe. Maybe he does love her," he offered. She just looked at him skeptically. "Somehow I don't really think that's the case. See, Faith only had two men in probably her entire life, that cared about her without wanting something in return, and not because she was special, but because she was Faith. You and Wes. With Wes it was strictly in the Watcher capacity, and with you, well let's just say *she* wanted something." The vampire shrugged, skillfully pretending to have missed his girlfriend's not so subtle implication. "Maybe that's what she wants now. A relationship, someone to just be there for her" "So she could remind him of mommy?" the blonde suggested bitingly. "A boyfriend, Buffy," he patiently corrected her. "Just a boyfriend, of the old fashioned kind."

"Yeah, well there are all sorts of kinds out there, believe me, I know. World's full of the wrong ones. But while we're on the subject," she wound her arms around his middle, nestling closer to rest her head on his chest, "she can't have mine, just for the record, because been there, done that, and this time around you're officially unsharable." Angel grinned and planted a kiss on her skull. He took a moment to get rid of the bitterness that followed the brief feeling he had had she brought Riley up. He couldn't help it, he realized. He wondered if he should feel more secure and just let things develop on their own. She was his girl now, he was sure of that, no one could take her away, and still he was unable to shake off the memories of the times when she wasn't. "I just think you should let them be, Buffy. I can understand you're worried, but you also may be wrong about him. There is so much more to Faith than being a Slayer, just like there is to you, she just happens to be very good in hiding it. He'd have to be blind not to see that." She exhaled, "I know there is. Ever since she came back, you know from jail, I could barely recognize her at first, and there is such a distinct difference between this Faith and the Faith from Sunnydale years ago. Over the past few months we became really close, I never thought we could be, I mean" "I did," he flashed her a dazzling I-told-you-so smile. "Yeah," she smiled, too, "you had more faith in her, no pun intended, than anyone else, including me. But this is it, Angel, that's why I'm worried. I'm afraid he's going to hurt her. I mean, there's finally this person, and he made her open up and give him a chance, and what if she's just gonna find out one day he's not the guy she thought he was? I don't wanna see that happen to her with the first guy she's come to trust, that's all. As I said, first two don't count," she glanced at him pointedly. Angel didn't say anything for a while, then asked, "Did you talk to her about it?" "Well yeah," the Slayer looked down into her lap and Angel could clearly feel her tension rising. "And?" he still decided to press a bit more. "And she got angry and told me to butt out. Which I can't really blame her for, coming to think of it," the blonde considered momentary, then added, "Later that night, she came to my room and we sort of did the mutual apologizing thing. Then we talked some more, during which, being well, Faith, she put the cards right there on the table, she tried to knock sense into *me* by basically saying that not everything in the world was about reason. She kinda said that until I didn't pull myself together, stopped moping around and got my own guy back, I really wasn't in the position to lecture to her about love and relationship." "Oh so I should be thanking Faith now?" Angel teased. Buffy giggled and punched his stomach playfully. "Faith helped," she said, and let out a small yawn when she replaced her head back on his chest. "Tired?" "A little," she confessed. "Jetlag from England is well jetlag from England." "Maybe you should rest a bit," he then suggested thoughtfully. "Where are you staying?" "Motel"

"A motel?" his eyes grew large for a second as he echoed her words, causing the Slayer to suppress a giggle. "Jesus, Buffy come on," he started standing up, urging her to do the same. Reluctantly, she pushed herself off of him and stretched. "Where are you going?" "We are going," he stressed, and she could detect the traces of what she suspected to be anger in his voice. "We're going to your motel, then we're taking your stuff, then we're moving them to my apartment. And then maybe you can explain to me why you're choosing to stay in some sleazy motel room when even if weren't together, you should know better than thinking I couldn't find you a decent place." "How do you know it's sleazy?" she asked. "In my line of work, I visit these places quite often, it's funny how all the lowlife population of LA, demons or others, can be found there. And even if the rooms are livable, which they usually aren't, the motels in this area don't exactly have high standards when it comes to do with the people, not as a rule, staying in them." "Why, honey, thank you," she joked. The vampire shot her a look that only made her smile, "Thank you," she said. Angel sighed and grabbed his keys as he passed by his desk. "Come on," he grabbed her hand and led her to the door, "I'll tell Harmony I'm taking a couple of hours off." "Harmony?"

"So you like it?" Buffy surveyed the apartment again, taking everything in. Yes, she liked it, she loved it. She even saw herself living here and the thought alone - of sharing an apartment with Angel, like a normal couple, warmed her allover and almost made her smile. Almost. When she was younger and Angel had that tiny basement which was only a short walking distance from the Bronze was good enough. But she couldn't help but think back to her days when she was the poster girl for cheerleading; she knew that she wouldn't have looked twice at the guy living in there because it was way beneath her usual 'standards'. But as time went by, this small voice faded off and was never heard from again. Instead, she has come to realize just how 'Angel' the little one-room apartment was. No, she didn't know much about Angelus then or what he had been back in his days, but from what she could assemble, he loved luxury and as much of it as he could come by. But Angel wasn't Angelus. Angel had a tiny apartment with his drawings on the walls and various artifacts and books piled up on shelves and even the floor, a desk, a bed and a small fridge, some random furniture and one little window for minimum sunlight. And this tiny apartment was the only place she would go to when she was scared, the only real place where she felt truly safe. Because it was Angel's, and at seventeen, everything that was Angel's - was home. And now she was standing in the middle of if not the most luxurious apartment she had ever seen, then definitely close second, and all she could think of was - was *that* truly Angel? She never thought Angel was poor. He could very well hold his own financially even when he had lived in Sunnydale and she knew he never worked, so the money must have remained from his days as Angelus and there must have been quite a lot of it. But she knew not a penny of it was invested in this apartment, it all came from Wolfram&Hart. So was that really Angel? She had never wholeheartedly agreed with the mission he had taken upon himself when he'd accepted Wolfram&Hart to run, but she had never told him, she had never found the right time or whatever other reason she could come up with so she could stall. She didn't want to stand by and watch how it corrupted him, she loved him too much for that. It was another reason why she had left, another thing she had to 'think about'.

The Slayer inhaled deeply, taking in the familiar scent that filed the apartment. It was Angel's scent, she recognized it immediately. And surprisingly, it, too, was home, the vampire standing next to her made it that way by his presence only. But there were no paintings on the walls, no statues she couldn't always explain what they were, no artwork she always thought her mother would love to get her hands on. One of the things she loved about Angel was the simplicity of him, and now she was asking herself whether she really knew him well enough? Was what she was seeing now always a part of him that was just hidden away or was it something new that he had recently acquired? What else was she going to find out about him? "Yeah," she said, attempting to sound convincing, which wasn't that hard because she did like it. It was other things that bothered her... "It's great. It's... great." Her boyfriend gave her a strange look, instantly knowing she was holding something back. "You sure?" "Sure," she grinned, then she sobered, "It's not that Angel, there is something I wanna talk to you about, but I can do that later." "Okay," he gave in. "I guess you're tired anyway, I'll just..." he picked up her two suitcases and headed into the bedroom, with Buffy in tow. "I'll leave your stuff here. You'll find your way around pretty easily, if you get hungry, there should be something in the fridge, but if you want something else, you can order in or if you wanna go shopping..." he started fishing for his wallet, but the Slayer touched his hand, making him look at her. "I do have money, Angel." Noticing he was slightly taken aback by that comment, she sighed and quickly amended, "I'll be sleeping most of the time anyway. Jetlag, remember?" He stared at her for a moment then offered a weak nod, "Right. Ahm... are you sure you don't want me to stay?" "No, it's okay," she assured him, her smile growing more honest even though now she was flat out lying. She wanted him to stay. "I told you, I'd be asleep anyway. B-but I'll... see you tonight, right?" He grinned. "Well, I do still live here." "You do," she realized how very little sense her question actually made. "So... I should go," he noted, starting back towards the door. "Angel," Buffy caught up with him soon and laid a hand on his arm, causing him to stop and turn around. "I just wanted to say-" "I'm glad you're here," he smiled, gently brushing his lips over hers. "Yeah," she beamed as she reluctantly pulled back, "I wanted to say that. I'll see you tonight." "Count on it," he flashed her a last smile before the door closed behind him. The blonde Slayer stared at the door for another long minute before returning to the bedroom. There, she opened one suitcase and retrieved a pile of clothes. Deciding to do the real unpacking later, she headed to the shower.

After half an hour that felt like much much longer, and longer it would have been, had she been any less tired, with her hair pulled up and wrapped in a smaller version of the white fluffy towel that clad her body,

the Slayer stepped out of the shower. She made an instant mental note to add at least one mirror to that bedroom, if it was going to become *their* bedroom from now on. She wasn't even thinking about checking the rest of the apartment for mirrors as it would be in vain taking into account it belonged to a vampire. "Not like he'd never seen me first thing in the morning," she made a quick observation before loosening the towel on her head, drying her hair and letting the blond locks cascade freely down her shoulders. Afterwards, she unfastened the large towel around her body and let it fall to the carpeted floor. She quickly slipped into her underwear and was about to pull on a red T-shirt with a worn out Mickey print that was hers since she was sixteen, when she suddenly changed her mind and dropped the shirt back on the bed. Buffy considered her move for only another second before resolutely progressing towards Angel's closet and opening it. She was a little surprised to find in it colors that weren't shades of black, gray or any other from the darks family. A vague memory of the uncomfortable feeling that rose within her when she first came here, briefly returned before it was gone. Maybe change was a much more pressing subject they needed to discuss than she had thought. Finally she settled on a light blue long-sleeved T-shirt of his and retrieved it from the shelf. Buffy slipped it on, taking a moment as she let his smell wash over her, and let out a small smile when the familiar sensation of home that had been following her since she had set foot in this apartment grew just a little stronger. The Slayer walked back to the bed and dived under the covers. She stretched and sighed, a sigh that dissolved into a purr as she snuggled deeper into the soft bed, once again inhaling his familiar smell that clung to the covers making it almost as though he was there in person. She closed her eyes. "Feeling right at home, aren't you, love?"

next

Part Four

"Spike?" Buffy asked, startled as her eyes flew open at the sound of the familiar voice. She bolted up in bed, instinctively pulling the covers over her chest even before she realized what she was doing, or the fact that she had nothing to cover up. But of course, he noticed, "Suddenly shy, aren't we, Slayer?" His eyes calmly skimmed over her. "In a flesh," he confirmed dryly, "Maybe not that much flesh." She gulped and nodded, not really knowing what to say at a time like this. "You look good, Buffy," he observed, doing the talking for both of them. "And you're probably asking yourself what I'm doing here. But you don't look surprised, which means you already knew I was here, so what can I say... just popped by to say hello." The Slayer nodded. "I don't really know what to say."

"Nah, consider me over it," he chuckled, motioning with one hand at the bed she was sitting on, indicating he was referring to her recently renewed relationship with his grandsire. "Great Poof wins it all." He sighed, his lips slightly curving in the remotest resemblance to a bitter smile, "There was a time I... but that's not important anymore. Funny thing though, when I took off for my little get-a-soul trip, all I could think about was you getting what you deserved. It wasn't just the soul that made the difference though, was it?" She weakly shook her head, her eyes speaking volumes when words simply weren't necessary. "Thank you, for saying you loved me." He had to curb the need to laugh at the astonished expression that seemed to have materialized on her face out of nowhere. "Back then, I knew you didn't mean it, even then, I knew. But thank you for saying it." "You're welcome," she mumbled, battling an inner urge to avert her eyes. It wasn't so much that she didn't think she had anything to be ashamed of in loving Angel, she just couldn't allow herself to turn away from Spike now. They were finally having a moment of truth, or in their case - the closest thing to it, and she would look him in the eye. She owed him at least that. "You mind if I-" he gestured towards the bed, silently asking if he could sit down. At her nod, he did, keeping her at arm's length at least. There had once been a time when all he had wanted was for that girl, that woman, to be as close to him as was physically possible. Not anymore though. He wasn't angry with her, how could he be, nor had he any right too. No, Spike didn't like being played, not in the least, but who like him knew what it meant to be a victim of love. Was it really her fault that her love was never... him? She just didn't belong to him anymore. Not that deep inside he ever believed she did, but back then, when she was willing to give him at least her body if not her soul, it was simpler. It always was when there were no emotions involved, he thought sadly. "I never meant to hurt you, Spike," he heard her say and looked up at her face. The two green orbs that stared back at him were honest - completely, an honestly the kind of which he very seldom saw in her. "I'm not saying it to justify what I did, I don't think I... need to, I'm just saying it so you know." "I know," he nodded. "But you did. But I don't hate you or anything," he chuckled softly. "I can't. With all the times I was making fun of your all-American GI Joe of a boyfriend, never thought I'd wind up walking in his shoes." "I never wanted it to work out this way." "Oh yeah?" he didn't believe her. Why should he? "How did you want it to work out then?" She sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest. "I don't know." "Yeah," he breathed, "well, let me tell you a little story, pet. Once upon a time, there was a little town called Sunnyhell. Sunnyhell was a badass place with badass demons in it, so a girl came, to fight them. Soon an interesting thing happened. Girl met boy, girl didn't know boy was a vampire, but soon she found out, and what a vampire he was! All tortured and soul and pain and you name it, another destiny-screwedup do-gooder. Ah! But that was too late, because girl already fell for boy, boy's not being too shy either and before you know it, they're playing Shakespeare in girl's back yard, her mom *really* didn't like him. But when boy gets sense knocked into him and leaves, no other poor fellow suddenly stands a chance with the girl." He eyed her seriously for a long while before speaking again. Spike abruptly subconsciously realized he was trying to search her eyes for the smallest sign of remorse. There was none. He sighed, defeated. "Problem is, love, that I happened to overhear your little revelation back then in the graveyard. Are you honestly going to tell me now you ever saw anyone but my grandsire in your future?"

"No," she confirmed quietly, having nothing else to say at the point. She was tired of lying, too tired. It was a part of her life she more than anything wanted to leave behind. "It's not that simple." "Feels that way." "Spike, I-" she groaned, frustrated, combing her hand through her hair. "If you so kindly heard what Angel and I were talking about, I'm sure you also heard I wasn't planning on getting back together with him anytime soon. Hell, I didn't know what tomorrow had in store for me, let alone months or years from now!" She was growing more agitated with every word and she was sure Spike had noticed that by now. Telling the truth was never easy, especially when she wasn't entirely convinced she knew what the truth was. No, she never saw anyone but Angel in her future, but nor had she wanted to hurt Spike. How could she explain two things that clearly collided with each other? "I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't know that my own decision, my own move would change my life so drastically and would give me the drive and the freedom to make the choices I hadn't been able to make for years because in so many ways I wasn't allowed to, I wasn't ready. When I did what I did, I opened a world of possibilities for me, Spike. I never thought... it'd be so soon." "So when did he decide to tell you that I was here?" the vampire asked, trying to sound as indifferent as he could in regard to a question he wanted to ask ever since he had made his presence known to her. The Slayer quirked a brow. "Rule number one. You wanna be angry with me, Spike, that's fine. I can take it. But leave Angel out of it, this is between you and me-" "Like hell, it is!" he exclaimed, but at her stern look contained himself and he inhaled a sharp breath. "Fine. Play it your way, your honey is clean." "Look," she tossed back a lock of blond hair with a swift motion of her hand, which Spike knew meant she wasn't too happy with his behavior. Well, tough, he decided. "There is something you need to know here. I don't know why I'm even telling you this, but you really need to know. After you- when we left Sunnydale, or what was left of it, we had nowhere to go. We went to LA, and Angel took us all in, that would be me, Dawn, Giles, Willow, Xander, Faith, Andrew, Robin and over a dozen new Slayers-" "How noble of him," Spike cut in, inwardly cursing for having sounded a lot more mocking than he'd intended to. "Spike, shut up for as second," Buffy held up a hand and rolled her eyes, pointedly conveying the clear message it was the last time she was going to be interrupted. Starting now, they were going to have a normal grown-up conversation, and she'd be damned if she let him ruin it. "It isn't about being noble. He knew better than that, we - or I, for that matter, didn't come here to stay. Actually, we were moving on the same day. The Slayers were given a choice, whoever wanted to stay, stayed, the rest, together with all of us, boarded a plane to England the same night. Angel and I didn't get back together, for reasons that are really none of your business, to be honest. Just that we didn't. It's true that I didn't leave before I laid all my feelings towards him out in the open once and for all, it's true that I told him what I did and what it meant for me, and for us. But none of it changed anything. We didn't get back together that day. We didn't until... today, actually," she finished quietly, looking down from the bleached vampire. "Angel and I were never simple," Buffy continued, seemingly now speaking to herself, but Spike knew otherwise. "And there was a time I thought it would change, once I had control over my life, once I had all the choices I couldn't make before on the palm of my hand. It didn't. We just found ourselves facing new obstacles. It appeared that I needed months to convince me I couldn't let this chance slip through my fingers like so many others before it did. Whether I liked it or not, it was the one, it was our first real chance to be together like we always wanted to. I couldn't let it pass."

"So you come running back to your high-school sweetheart," the vampire commented derisively. "You know better than that," she dismissed, not in the defensive tone that he'd expected her to reply with. Ultimately, even Spike had to come to terms with that maybe the mature conversation she'd mentioned earlier might bring better results. "Can I ask you something?" "Yeah." "If I hadn't, you know... would you've still gone back to him?" She held his gaze steadily as she answered, "Guess we'll never know that." He rolled his eyes, "Buffy, just don't bleedin' give me that!" "No!" she interrupted him. "You asked me a question, deal with the answer. You said you heard Angel and me in the cemetery, so fine. That means you know we would have been together eventually, no matter what. But to tell you whether I would have come back to him if things were different as early as I did well, I can't tell you that, because I have no idea. And frankly, I never even thought about it." He nodded solemnly, turning away. "Alright. So what's it gonna be now?" "What do you mean?" "You never answered my question. When did he tell you?" he clarified patiently. "He didn't tell me. He didn't have to, when I came here, I already knew. It's actually one of the reasons I came here. I am- *we* are going to help you." "Oh, that's just bloody perfect!" he laughed. "As if getting dumped doesn't cut it, now I got my ex and her no-longer ex making me their weekly charity case!" Buffy didn't flinch, she just looked at him, hard. Her voice was low and flat as she spoke, "Spike. We are going to help you, Angel and me. Whether you like it or not, we really don't care. Because that's what we do, we help people." He didn't say anything for a while, so she let out a sigh and lay back down, drawing the covers over her shoulders. "I'm tired. So if it's okay with you, can we fight the rest of it some other time?" Spike stood up and without a word, dissolved through the wall. Buffy closed her eyes and in a matter of minutes, was fast asleep.

"You're going home?" Angel spun around only to find Wesley standing at the doorway to his office. "Yeah," he said and resumed searching for his keys. He couldn't believe he'd lost them in the first place, but that was to be expected considering the day he'd had. Nothing happened except for Buffy's arrival that day - literally, nothing. Sitting all day in the office almost drove him insane, he was practically praying for some demon - no matter what kind - to crash through his window and even for the few minutes it'd take him to kill it, make this day worthwhile.

Of course, there was the brooding, but with Buffy back and the burden of Spike's return being kept from her no longer on his conscience, there was suddenly less to brood about. That and the fact he was brooding nowadays much less than he used to. Also, Spike didn't make an appearance today as well, it still kept Angel wondering and he didn't like being kept in the dark. Whatever the reason for Spike's recent absence, he very much wanted to know it. No, he still wouldn't admit he was concerned about his grandchilde, but the fact that Buffy was now back and that Buffy was now strictly *his* Buffy, only added more fuel to the fire. Spike's disappearance must have had to do with that, or at least partly. Then again, wouldn't Angel's office be the *first* place he'd go to once Spike found out Buffy was there? But for whatever reason obviously not. It was past eight now and all he wanted was to call it a day and go home. Hell, he'd have gone home much earlier, had he not known the Slayer was asleep anyway, which only drove him to find other things to occupy himself with even when there weren't any. He wound up spending the day with his nose in various Wolfram&Hart files, reading up on what now were his clients. His car keys were probably buried deep in one of those "It's different when you have someone waiting for you, isn't it?" his friend asked again from the door. Angel stopped his search and turned around to face Wesley. After a momentary pause, he said, "Yeah. I guess it is." The former Watcher offered a weak knowing smile. But there was something the vampire wanted to know first, "Did you tell them?" Wesley nodded. "Yes, I did. I suppose the real question should probably be why you didn't." Angel completely gave up finding anything in the infinite clutter that now covered his desk and with a sigh, landed in his leather armchair. The second he did, he felt something sharp underneath him and pulled it out. "Great," he muttered, pocketing his keys. He gazed back at his best friend. "Aren't you angry I didn't also tell you?" He emitted a short laugh, "I knew something wasn't quite right. I also knew you weren't the kind to want to talk about it, unless you wanted to talk about it, so I didn't push. Buffy's return didn't come to me half as surprising as I thought it would." The vampire nodded. "So what did they say?" "Well, *they* were surprised," Wesley observed thoughtfully, "I think Fred was a little hurt." "Why?" "Well, Cordelia, for one-" "Cordelia?" Angel narrowed his eyes then opened them again, letting it sink in, "Wes, why- look, Cordy is important to me. I know that- well, once I thought, we could have something I don't even know what anymore. I don't even know why I thought never mind," he waved it off. "But that's all there is to it. She's family, Wes, I love her like a family, not like not like I love Buffy. Even then, I could never love her like I love Buffy." "I know," Wesley nodded in agreement. "That's one of the reasons I'm not surprised. To be frank with you, I never understood what drew you to Cordelia in the first place. I've come to know her over the years as a wonderful person, Angel, but Anyway," he dismissed that thought with a wave of his hand. "You forget

that neither Gunn, nor Fred are aware of your past relationship with Buffy. It comes out rather as a shock for them. Especially given what they know about your special circumstances," he finished pointedly, so the vampire knew exactly what he was talking about. "My curse?" he asked anyway. "Well, if you insist on saying it." "Wes, we all know that as far as Buffy's concerned, my soul is safe. There's no chance perfect happiness can break the curse, everybody's safe." "Unless something else breaks it," Wesley noted. "Well, that danger has always been there, Wes, there's nothing either of us can do about it, and it certainly has nothing to do with Buffy and I, or our relationship, so if you don't mind" "I'm not here to judge you, Angel," the former Watcher held up his hand in protest. "You're a grown up man, for heaven's sake, I'm sure you know what's right for you. I only said that so you'll understand why they have concerns." "I don't care why they have concerns, Wes, that's the point you're missing," Angel rose to his feet and grabbed his coat from the desk. "It's my life, and as my friends I expect them to be happy for me." "They are." "So what's the problem?" Wesley sighed, taking a moment to search for the perfect way to say what he wanted to. "You have always had one weakness that stood above all others, and said weakness, I think we can both agree, is Buffy. They're worried-" "They?" "Gunn mostly." "Well, then maybe you should have enlightened him," Angel snapped, brushing past the former Watcher out of the office. After making only a short distance, he abruptly stopped and turned around. "Wes, I'm sorry, I'm just not going to deal with Gunn or anyone else. Buffy and I are going to work things out, we're going to try and have the closest thing to a normal relationship we can, and the last thing I need is people I care for to get in my way. Alright? So let's leave it at that. You can tell that to Gunn, and Fred for that matter. If they have any further questions, they can come to me personally. Now, I'm going home, to Buffy. Good night." "Good night," Wesley quietly said to the vampire's retreating form.

When Angel entered his apartment, he found all the lights off and not a sound reached his ears to tell him someone was even there. But soon a smile tugged at his lips when the mellow fragrance of her perfume reached his nose to prove to him once and for all it wasn't the case. He wouldn't be coming home to find it empty anymore. He wouldn't be falling asleep alone either.

He removed his coat and left it in the living room, stealthily progressing towards the bedroom, doing his best to not wake her up, if she were still asleep. When he entered the dark room, he found her just as he'd expected to - fast asleep, curled up under the covers on his king-sized bed. He grabbed fresh boxers from the closet and disappeared inside the bathroom. After a brief and quiet shower, Angel was back. He was half-relieved at first to find her still asleep, thinking the noise of the running water would have woken her up by now. The other half, the more selfish one, wished she were awake. He inwardly discussed how tired she must be to be asleep for so long, but the tiny smile he descried playing in the corners of her mouth warmed him with a feeling there must be more to it than that. Without further hesitation, he slipped under the covers behind her and at once she revolved, not even opening her eyes but tightly wrapping her tiny arms around his midsection in such aware possessiveness, it might have given him the impression she was wide awake all along, had her mellow breathing not been there to prove otherwise. Angel hugged her to him and placed a soft kiss on the exposed flesh of her shoulder that protruded from a familiar oversized shirt that definitely wasn't hers. He placed a second kiss in the curve of her neck and closed his eyes. They had tomorrow.

next

Part Five

The morning after, Angel woke up in the way he had least expected - alone. His eyes hesitantly scanned the room in search for her things, as if to reassure himself they were really there, or rather - still there, before he even grasped what he was doing. And still, a breath of relief escaped his lips when he found her still unpacked bags on the floor exactly where she'd left them. The vampire rubbed the sleep from his eyes and combed his hand through his slightly disheveled hair, subconsciously expelling any disturbing thoughts before they even had a chance to take form, and climbed off the bed. Skipping the shower, he headed straight to the living room.

He found her there, just as he had thought he would. She was standing by the large windows, cradling a steaming cup of coffee in her hands, which she had obviously completely forgotten about even though it was only inches from her lips. He could tell that the Slayer was deep in thought. The only problem was that mind reading was not a gift he was blessed with, and the bond that they had shared since years ago when they had first met still had to be worked on some more. Her blond hair, neatly combed, was loose down her shoulders, glistening in the sun like it was woven with millions of delicate golden threads. Her feet stood bare on the floor and her slim figure was still clad in his shirt and to Angel that very moment, she had never looked more warm and inviting, more like home. She was so preoccupied with whatever was on her mind, she didn't even notice his presence as he stood there and watched. Briefly, Angel even thought he might scare her if he made a sound. His whole body was burning, like a volcano that had been asleep for far too long and finally erupted, burning for her. He was being consumed with fire he could barely contain, much less wanted to. As much as he wasn't sure it was time for that, yet, he was unable to stop. He found himself yearning for the smallest touch.

Angel looked down at his hand and realized his fingers were moving with his thoughts, as if preparing themselves to reach out and touch her, if he didn't. He clasped his hand in a fist and remained standing, doing nothing. Finally, he moved, step by step towards her until he was right behind her, but just as he was about to speak, she did. "Angel," his name rolled off her tongue, in that manner unique only to her, but didn't turn around to meet his eyes, as if she was expecting him to do something. He took the chance and snaked his arms around her waist, his hands diving under the fabric of his shirt to rest on her bare abdomen. She let a small sigh past her lips and leaned back into his wide chest. "Good morning," he whispered hoarsely as his lips found the delicate curve of her neck and marked it with a kiss. "Hmmm," she hummed, breathing in the aroma rising from her mug and finally taking her first sip. "You have to go now, don't you?" she suddenly asked, and it seemed whatever veil of dream that was shrouding her exploded. Angel swallowed, still unsure even as he spoke how to answer that. "Do you want me to?" "Does it matter?" she replied with another question. She then added, "Wes called." He slightly bent his head and breathed in the smell of her hair, for a moment closing his eyes and just savoring it. When he opened them, his dreamscape shattered, too. "He asked for me?" "Yeah," she breathed. "Sort of." She reluctantly disentangled herself from the vampire's embrace and walked over to the couch, taking a seat there and putting her mug down as she did. "He called, I... said you were still asleep, when I asked if it's important and should I wake you, he said he'd talk to you later. Then he asked how I was and if the flight was okay. He also asked how your apartment looked from the inside," she added pointedly, as though reminding Angel he still hadn't had his friends over. When he said nothing back, Buffy weakly shrugged her shoulders, looking up at Angel and holding his gaze as he sat down next to her. "Then Fred called, she asked if I was free later and if I wanted to meet her for lunch," Buffy gave him a strange look before asking, "is there a reason your friends seem to be so interested in me all of a sudden? I didn't even think Fred liked me." He chuckled. "That's actually not the problem. And as far as Fred goes, she'd like almost anybody and everybody until they give her a reason not to." "Gee, thanks," the blonde made a face, feigning offence. "It's not what I meant," the vampire gathered her hands in his. "Besides, she obviously wants to get to know you, hence with the lunch. And Wes was just being Wes, and I *was* going to get them up here, just... things kept getting in the way. What did you tell her, by the way?" "About lunch?" He nodded. "I told her I'd ask you first. But if you're going, I guess I'll call her and say its okay?" Her eyes regarded him almost pleadingly and Angel found himself melting under that gaze. He inwardly cursed the former Watcher for ever calling, as unreasonably stupid as he knew that act alone was. What the hell could be so damn important?

"I'll have to call Wes," he acknowledged, and stood up. Going to work now was the last thing he wanted. "At least see if it's important." The vampire cast his eyes away from the Slayer when he realized guilt was slowly creeping into them. He clearly remembered his best friend's words from the last time they talked. Buffy was his weakness - his ultimate weakness, and it was already beginning to show. He was sitting as the head of the Los Angeles branch of Wolfram&Hart, nevertheless, and he was already planning to skip a whole day of work out of hope to spend it with his girlfriend. Angel knew for a fact neither of them wanted to spend this day apart from the other. After all, they had just gotten back together, picking up from where they left off maybe seemed easy on the surface but a lot of things needed to be worked through in order for this relationship to succeed and they weren't going to settle for anything less than success this time. He also remembered Buffy's words from that time, months ago before she left for England. 'You have worked so hard to have what you have and if I stay now, I'll take this away from you,' she had said. And he was angrier with her than words could say. Then, but now, he had come to realize she was right. When she was here, he no longer could only concentrate on his mission, on his destiny, or on simply ridding the world of evil. Now first and foremost, he had to concentrate on how to fit *her* into this new world of his, into his new life. Buffy would never forgive herself if she were the cause for him blowing off his chance at redemption, Angel knew that much. So finding a way around it was one of the first things he should do... The touch of her hand on his arm awoke him from his thoughts. "You should go," she said softly, looking him straight in the eye. "It's Wes, he wouldn't have called unless it was important, you know that. So don't ask him. Just go. Be back whenever you're back and... I'll still be here," she smiled, bringing her hand up to stroke the side of his face. "You're not getting rid of me that easily. Besides, seeing as I'm half-way to retirement since there are thousands if not millions girls throughout the world to do what only I was doing up until a few months ago, you get to be the man of the house and I'll be the sidekick." They both smiled at her interpretation of the situation and she added, "Also, if Louis could deal with Clark's constant disappearances and still have a relationship with him, there's no reason why a certain Slayer and her vampire can't follow in their footsteps." He laughed. Angel knew just as Buffy did, if things were up to her, she'd want him to stay. But they never were, were they? They belonged to the cause they had long since dedicated their lives fighting for rather than to themselves. That was another thing they would have to find a way to overcome. "You could come, too, you know," he suggested. She momentarily considered his offer, but then shook her head. "As tempting as it is," she said, swinging one leg over his lap and straddling him, snaking her arms around his middle, "and I know we're probably the only couple in the world who over the years managed to perfect the art of mixing romance with demon goo, I think I'll stick for now to my imaginary vacation and sit this one out. I'd rather have you all to myself anyway," she leaned in, slightly nibbling at his lower lip as she whispered, "after." Suddenly, the Slayer pulled back, striving to not let her ultimate satisfaction shine through at recognizing the familiar and probably long-dormant gleam of dark passion in her lover's eyes. "And maybe then," she said, the tone of her voice changing to a much more level-headed, "we can also find the time in our busy schedule to do that talking thing we really should do soon." Angel filled his burning lungs with fresh air in attempt to regain full control over his thoughts and emotions as one. "Talking is good," he acknowledged huskily, then swallowed hard. "I just thought... you might wanna come with me. You know... like we used to do." He tried not to disclose the slight disappointment her refusal to accompany him had evoked. No, it wasn't the most romantic thing in the world to slay demons together - assuming it was what Wesley had needed him for, which in at least one aspect it probably was. But as Buffy had put it herself, the two of them had managed to elevate even that unique pastime to a level of art at least because that's how most of their 'dates' had looked like. Going back to the past, even the first one. But altogether, he missed fighting with her by his side, he didn't work half as good with anyone else as he did with her, and Angel knew it was mutual.

"I'd like that, too," Buffy surprised him with her answer, but it wasn't all of it. "But while you were busy taking over an evil law firm, I was burning down a whole town. And as my record shows, I started from a gym, moved on to the whole school, and from there turned the whole town into a giant crater. Doesn't matter I wasn't actually the one wearing the amulet, it was my plan that was executed. And all this burning looks really bad on my resume. Honey, I think the world *wants* me to take a vacation. But I promise we'll do some extremely romantic demon killing real soon," she grinned. He chuckled. "Deal. Maybe for now we can settle on something of the more conventional variety for later today." "Definitely," the Slayer whispered, inclining so close that her lips were caressing his as she was pronouncing the word, taking her time with each syllable. "Angel," she abruptly pulled back, catching his surprised gaze. "I umm," she faltered a bit before telling what she knew she'd have to, "Spike was here yesterday." He sat in silence for a moment, an impassive expression on his face that left Buffy not wanting to know what it was concealing from her. "He was," he asserted. "We talked," she divulged, unsure of how much of the conversation she should reveal to her lover, bearing in mind it would - subtly speaking - piss him off, a lot. "So he already paid you a visit," he acknowledged dryly. "That's great." She rolled her eyes, climbing off of him. "Stop being like that." "Like what?" "Like you always get when Spike is brought up." She looked him straight in the eye, not planning to spare him anything, "Like a jealous teenager." Angel raised a brow, then pushed himself off from the sofa and moved towards the window. Several feet from it, he stopped with his back to her, crossing his arms on his chest. "See, funny you should mention that, because though I'm not your average teenager, maybe that's exactly how I feel." "Oh please!" she threw her hands up. "Maybe months ago, I'd buy that and even that's a big maybe. You don't feel that way Angel, you know way better than to think you have reasons to be jealous of Spike, you know *exactly* how I feel about you, only about you, so my guess is that you're acting like that because you wanna see how I react. Am I getting closer?" The vampire clenched his jaw and almost turned around. Was she getting closer? Yeah... pretty close. The only problem was that that wasn't all there was to it. Sure, it felt good to have her say straight out there is no one else, and he never doubted her love, but it wasn't about that. "Just the thought of him touching you, doing to you what he did..." She laid a hand on his shoulder, and softly brushed her lips there, putting a stop to his flow of words. For the first time, she wondered if it would have been better had she not told him about the rape attempt. "Angel," she breathed, "I think it's safe to say we both have a pretty colorful history. But either we get over it, or we don't. There are no half ways here." She moved her hand over to his arm and made him turn around to face her. "How can you think, for one second, it didn't rip my heart out when I heard you went with Cordelia, or Darla. Hell, I'm still processing Cordelia, to be honest. But it doesn't mean that when I look at you, what I see is her, because I don't. I don't see her, Angel, and even if she gets up from that coma she's stuck in and walks, I still won't see her. Because I love you, so much, and I wouldn't be standing here right now if I weren't one-hundred percent sure you loved me the same."

He cupped her face in his hands and lowered his head to gently kiss her forehead. "I don't see Spike when I look at you, Buffy, I don't see anyone but you. But I can't help how I feel, and even though I have no idea now what drew me to Cordelia in the romantic sense in the first place, I still don't think you wouldn't be even a little jealous if she were walking around here on a daily basis. In all the years we've known each other, Spike and I were never good friends, or any friends at all. But even if we do get along, doing to you what- hurting you... is something I'll never forgive him for. Not *you*, Buffy, him. I just can't. And I'm never going to forgive myself, first and foremost, for not having been there. I'm sorry." "I'm not going to tell you what to feel, Angel." She pulled back from him, at first avoiding direct eye contact. "I know what jealousy is whenever it comes to you, believe me. And I know what love is, because that's what I feel for you all the time. I know how it burns inside you and makes your head spin. I guess I just hope keeping our relationship is important enough for you to put the craziness aside and concentrate on it. At least for now." She pulled herself up to meet him in a brief kiss before turning away. "I'm gonna get dressed," she announced over her shoulder. Angel just stood there and watched her go.

Gunn exchanged a concerned look with Wesley when the two men walked into their friend's office after Angel practically slammed the doors open as he walked in himself. The vampire had been on edge all day, just waiting to explode, and bearing in mind what was left of the demon they, or rather - he was fighting, he probably already had. Of course, he hadn't said a word about anything, he hadn't said much of anything at all ever since he'd showed up following the ex-Watcher's call until now. They weren't worried, his taciturn side always gained the upper hand when it came to sharing, but when he was beating a demon to a pulp, lightly put, instead of just killing it, he didn't have to say something was wrong. "If I didn't know better, I'd say there are big problems with the little lady," Gunn took a stab at it when Angel angrily tossed his bloody axe to the floor and sat down on the couch, wincing. He would have liked telling himself that the current hole in his stomach was an accident, only he knew better. When he had as much steam to work off as he had that morning, he very seldom paid attention to the demon he was fighting and what it might do to him, he was much more busy taking his frustration out on it until there was nothing left to pound. That, of course, tended to result in unwanted injuries, as was proven this time, too. But did it make him feel better about the whole mess with Buffy? Not in the least. He reached his hand under his jacket and placed it over the wound to check if the bleeding had stopped. It hadn't, his palm was covered with fresh blood. He didn't care, he knew he'd heal quickly or eventually. He preferred feeling pain over feeling nothing because at least then he could focus on it instead of his anger. The worst part was that he was the angriest with himself, not Spike. He was the one who wasn't there when Spike was hurting the woman he loved, when he was raping her, and he was the one screwing up their relationship now. As easier as it would have been to blame Spike for it, he knew he couldn't. Buffy was right, he had no reason to be threatened. If she could put it all in the past, it's the least he could do, now that it was really behind them. He remembered the way she looked when she had walked in on Eve and him in his office, yeah, she knew all about jealousy. Sometimes Angel thought the two of them invented that particular emotion. But she still wouldn't put her personal issues with Eve before their relationship on her order of priorities, while even though unintentionally... he was. "Nothing I really wanna talk about," the vampire huffed. Why would he wanna talk about it when brooding was so much better? But the lawyer wasn't going to take no for an answer. Deep inside, he had already regretted jumping to conclusions regarding his friend's relationship with the Slayer, it being the obviously last thing Angel needed. He had no idea how much history was behind the ensouled vampire and the Slayer, bits and pieces could never cover the whole story. Gunn remembered a time when he would never think that, but now he knew differently - Angel was his friend, and friends stood by each other, among other things. And if that

little blonde was so important to him, the least he could do was support that relationship, which was exactly what he was going to do from now on. And showing interest in it was one of the ways to support it. "Where is she now, by the way?" he asked, seemingly steering away from the initial topic. "Having lunch with Fred," the vampire replied, his tone a tad more relaxed this time. "Or at least she was." Gunn chuckled. "What's the world come to when women have lunch and men are left to slay monsters." Wesley shared his smile, but didn't say anything. The expression on Angel's face didn't change one bit. That is until Gunn asked, "What'd she do? Or better, what did you do?" Angel sighed. "Spike paid my girlfriend a little friendly pre-bedtime visit. She told me about it this morning-" "And you reacted like a total jerk," the African-American completed for him, sinking into Angel's leather chair. At Angel's look, he shrugged innocently, "Look, man, whatever's the story between Casper and your girl, you've been glaring daggers at him most of the time he's been around. I'd say lucky for him he's incorporeal." "I wasn't!" the vampire protested, looking at Wesley for confirmation, only to have the Brit shake his head slightly, clearly agreeing with Gunn. "I didn't say all the time," Gunn rephrased. "I said most of the time, especially when he brought Buffy up. You gotta get over it, the girl loves you. She wouldn't be here, if she didn't." "He's right, Angel," Wesley finally took part in the conversation. "Some things are better to stay in the past. There is no competition between you two, you need to understand that." Angel sat back down with a sigh. "I know she loves me. It's not the point here, as I keep telling her. I just... I'd feel a whole lot better if Spike hadn't been around as much. At all, if Spike hadn't been around at all. That'd be great." "You honestly think if he's not here, there's nothing to remind you of whatever she had with him?" the lawyer questioned dubiously. Angel wanted to laugh. Whatever she had with him? What about what he did to her?! But his friends were never going to know that... "No," the vampire acknowledged bitterly. "I hope so. Look, I can't just get over it, call it a vampire thing, I can't forgive him." "That isn't the problem, Angel," Wesley observed thoughtfully. "The problem is that sooner or later Buffy might start thinking it's her you really can't forgive." "That's bullshit." "Good!" Gunn exclaimed. "You know it, I'm relieved. And I bet she knows it, too, but newsflash, Romeo, if you keep that attitude up, girl's gonna start wondering. Anyway," he gestured at Angel's stomach, "do you wanna do something about that? Cause that's one expensive couch to bleed allover."

The vampire favored it with a glance but winced again as he touched it. "It'll be fine," he muttered. "I just need a rest. I don't even know if she's gonna talk to me after this," he added after a pause, seemingly completely out of context. "Go home, Angel," Wesley suggested gently. He knew just as his best friend did that Angel could function even with the wound. The only problem was that whenever Buffy was concerned, he had the tendency to take things to the extreme, and while his mind was as preoccupied with Buffy as it was now, there wasn't a lot of room left for anything else, which could only get in the way of whatever he could do here. So it was better that Angel went home, not only for his own sake, but for everyone else's. "I said, I'm fine," he almost growled. Going home wasn't something he wanted to do at the moment. He had a lot to think about before he went to face Buffy again. "You look it, too," the lawyer commented. "Where's Spike?" Angel demanded, changing the subject. "I haven't seen him for quite some time, actually," Wesley admitted after a brief thinking. And it was true, three days ago or so, Spike had stopped reappearing at all. Before, he used to be there almost all the time, even tried helping on some cases when he could. But then it all changed. The Brit rightfully assumed Buffy's return had something to do with that, but he didn't bring it up before Angel. "Hey, guys," Fred poked her head in the door and walked all the way in when she saw everyone was present. She threw a concerned glance towards Angel, who barely acknowledged her and was instead staring somewhere off into space. "Hey, Fred," Gunn greeted her, but trailed off when another woman entered the office. "Buffy," Wesley named her and Angel's head snapped around at once. The vampire and Slayer held each other's gaze for a long moment, before she said, "Hi." Angel stood up, and as he did, he noticed her gaze dropping towards his midsection and her eyes widening momentarily when she took notice of his bleeding wound. "Buffy..." he lamely attempted to hide it, all the while knowing he couldn't really hide something like that from her anyway. "Show it to me," she ordered. "Buffy-" The blonde Slayer only shot him a look that left no room for discussion as she proceeded towards him. Angel shouldered off his jacket, dropping it to the floor and she set off unbuttoning his shirt, carefully tearing the fabric off his body where it was glued to already dried blood. He hissed in pain, but she pretended not to notice. "Dammit, Angel," she cursed as her fingers tenderly trailed over and around the wound, trying her hardest to touch it as little as was possible while estimating its severeness. "I asked you to be careful." She looked at him, holding onto his arms. "I didn't come back here so you could go impale yourself in a fight every time we argue." He just looked at her. She obviously knew him better than to buy him saying it was an accident. She probably knew he had also kept taking his frustration out on that poor demon even after getting injured. She

once told him that as a Slayer, kicking ass was comforting. Well, same thing applied in his case. While you could kick ass, it was always comforting. Suddenly, she flung her arms around him, squeezing him gently, just enough not to press the wound. "You do that again, and *I* will impale you," she whispered into his chest before drawing back. "Let's go home, okay?" He regarded her for another moment before releasing a breath of what seemed to be relief and accepted her offered hand. "That girl's something else," Gunn made an immediate observation after the couple disappeared behind closed doors. "She's very nice," Fred smiled, sharing her own experience with the Slayer from the same day. "And she loves Angel. A lot," she told the two men, "I didn't even have to hear her say it, it's in her eyes, the way they sparkle whenever she talks about him. Cordelia's eyes never sparkled like that," she added, a perceptible note of defeat in her voice. She was immensely glad she had spent the day getting to know the Slayer a bit more. Buffy had a quality about her that certainly left a mark in people's hearts, she was a person who couldn't get into a room and remain unnoticed, and from the relatively little time they'd spent together, Fred was proud to have met her. "Yes, well," Wesley cleared her throat. "Buffy has always been special, larger than life. She never really let me enact as her Watcher, but I will always be proud I was given a chance to even try." "Let's just hope our boy doesn't let his jealousy screw it up," Gunn noted pointedly. The Brit agreed immediately, "Yes, Spike certainly seems to pose a problem." "I..." Fred paused until she was sure she had got both men's complete attention, "I think I figured something out."

next

Part Six

"There. I'm done," the Slayer announced when she finally finished applying the last bandage to the vampire's wound. She regarded it with semi-satisfaction. 'Willow and Angel are probably better in it than I am,' she thought, 'they did play the role of bandaging me when it came to that. But being the Slayer for about eight years did enough to improve my medical skills in say, patching up my impaled boyfriend'. "Thanks," Angel said, briefly glancing down at his stomach, again, avoiding eye contact with her. It bothered her, but she had chosen so far to not say anything. She had about five minutes of her patience left in her and she was determined to use them to the fullest and leave the initiating-talking part to him. But that time was quickly running out... Buffy sighed. "Could you lie down now?"

"I don't need to lie down, I'm fine," he protested, inwardly admitting to himself he could use the rest. But he was too stubborn to admit that especially when his girlfriend was concerned. "I'm a vampire, I heal fast." She looked at him, unimpressed, "Yeah, I'm a Slayer, I invented healing fast. Look," she sighed, bringing his face up with one hand and making him look at her, "could you just do me a favor and rest? I know you don't need to, but could you just please do that anyway?" They regarded each other for a moment as mutual understanding passed between their eyes, until the vampire nodded and turned to go into the bedroom. "I'll get you some blood," she told his retreating form. "You probably bled all of yours out anyway..."

Buffy walked into the bedroom and quietly closed the door behind her. Angel was lying prone on his bed with his face turned away from her and his muscular arms pillowing his head. And since he never breathed as a rule, it was hard to determine whether he was asleep or not. She pulled the blinds shut to dim the light penetrating into the room and after taking off her shoes, climbed onto the empty side of the bed. Throwing a glance over Angel's shoulder, Buffy found his eyes closed, but after a moment decided to risk it anyway. She sent out her hand and ran her fingers through his light brown hair, her voice followed softly, "Are you asleep?" The vampire opened his eyes. "How's Giles?" he asked, avoiding her question that didn't require an answer anymore anyway. She momentarily frowned and being able to sense it without looking, he clarified, "Isn't he the one you said you were going to talk to over the phone?" "Oh," she muttered, moving back from him as he pushed himself up to a sitting position. Buffy noticed his hand briefly fly to his wound as he sat and sighed, "Does it feel any better?" "It feels like being impaled," Angel dismissed, somewhat harshly, she noticed, unwilling to discuss his injury right now. It troubled him since he seemed to be healing slower than he should have, but he couldn't share that with her either. He had only one guess as to the reason for that and that was Buffy, or rather the fact he was so disturbed by what was going on between them his entire energy was being used on that, as a result neglecting his body's natural accelerated healing. The Slayer folded her legs under her and pulled one of his hands into her lap, cradling it in her small ones. "Giles is good. I told him my flight was okay, that I... already did one of the things I came here to do." As she paused, Angel knew she was referring to him by that. "I wanted to talk to Faith, but she was out with Robin. I talked to Dawn though, and to Will and Xander. He said I sounded happy," she added with a slight smile and it made Angel finally direct his gaze at her with a question. "Are you?" he asked weakly, uncertainly. She was still smiling. "Do you really need to ask me that?" He swallowed as he averted his gaze for a moment. When he looked back, he pulled her hand over to his lips and kissed it tenderly. "I really wish I didn't." "Angel. I know how you feel about Spike-"

He chuckled, "Buffy, you don't know the half of what I feel about Spike, but let me give you the short version. The only thing that's keeping him from becoming a pile of dust is the fact that he has a soul. That's it and that's all. Because some stupid part in me is convinced he is already being punished. But you know what the other part thinks? That I know Spike, and that it doesn't cut it." "It's called forgiveness, Angel," she reminded him gently, "maybe you should remember what it means. Part of this concept is that people deserve a second chance, they deserve a chance to change." He regarded her steadily for a long moment before speaking, "Forgiveness isn't given to everyone, believe me, I know." "Yeah, I thought so once, too," she smiled ruefully. "Then I gave up on Faith. Angel... to forgive is an act of compassion. It's, not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it," the Slayer repeated the exact words of her Watcher, inwardly surprised at how strongly they turned out to be etched in her memory. "Giles told me that once. He told me that when... when I wasn't able to forgive myself for what I did to you." "I never hated you for that," he assured, as his knuckles gently traced the side of her face. "I never hated you for anything, I never could. I *never* stopped loving you." "I wonder," she mused, casting her eyes down, "when you say you hate Spike, I wonder if you only hate Spike." "Buffy-" "I *know* you're gonna say it's stupid, Angel," she interrupted him, "but it's something I can't help, okay? In so many ways, I was able to forgive Spike because he didn't have a soul and because half the times I let him abuse me, I came to him..." "I know," Angel gathered her into his arms, holding her tightly and gently like she was a child. "And I know why. But I swore to protect you, Buffy, so many years ago, I swore I would protect you, and I failed. I failed so many times until I couldn't protect you from the worst. I don't hate you, God, I could never hate you." He drew back and cradled her face in his hands, using his thumbs to clear the fresh tears from the corners of her eyes. "I don't even hate Spike as much as... as much as I hate myself. Every time, I remember... that I wasn't there. That I didn't save you." "You can't save me from everything, Angel," she weakly shook her head. "Some things are bound to happen and you can't help that. That's what you need to understand." "I don't know if I can," he pulled his hand back, running them over his face and through his hair. "I did so many horrible things in my life, unconscionable things that nothing can convince me things are bound to happen. There is always someone to blame, and if that were Spike, or me, or even both of us... so be it. I could forgive him for that, Buffy, because without a soul, I've done so much worse. So on that level, from the point of him not having a soul at the time, I've already forgiven him. But I could never forgive him for it being you. I just can't do that, I'll never be able to. Because it's you. I can't forgive anything like that being done to you. I just want him out of our lives, Buffy." He paused, then laughed shortly. "I guess the cruelest irony is that he needs my help to do that." "Our help," she reminded. "Yeah," he groaned. "That's just damn great." "You know we have to do that."

"I'm pretty sure I covered that with the irony part," he noted, then released a strain laugh. "You know... as much as a part of me feels some sort of compassion towards him because of the situation he's stuck in... the other part just wants to make him corporeal so I could drive a stake through his heart." Buffy inhaled a deep breath and bent forward to gently kiss his brow. "Sleep. We'll deal with Spike when you wake up, okay?" Angel lay back down and tucked one folded arm under his head, angling his face to meet her eyes. "Stay with me?" The Slayer smiled and nestled in the crook of his other arm, resting her head on his shoulder as he drew the covers over her as well.

"Well," Wesley stood up and started pacing the vampire's office only a minute after he and his girlfriend had left. He wasn't entirely convinced that they should have be running this meeting without Buffy and Angel, or at least Angel present, but they were already assembled there anyway. Fred had already captured his full attention, if not Gunn's, so they were able to at least hear her out. What to do about it, should they decide anything was to be done, they could think about that later, also consult Angel and Buffy. But that all could be done later. Right now, he just wanted to hear what Fred had to say. "Yeah," Gunn turned to the tiny brunette as well, as though reading Wesley's thoughts. "What was that all about, Fred?" Her face lit in a broad smile as she found a seat on an arm of the oversized armchair in Angel's office, a pose they became used to by now. Once she was in place, Fred briefly regarded the two men. "Have you guys ever heard of the Bargainers?" Neither said anything, both attempting to search their memory, until Gunn spoke, "Unless you're in to sue their asses, I think this question is more to the Watcher brain over there," he pointed in the Brit's direction with his thumb. Having four eyes suddenly intently focused on him, Wesley felt a bit uncomfortable, but only for a moment. He cleared his throat, looking at Fred. "Well... I may be able to recall something, vaguely though, it's been a long time since-" "But you heard of them?" she wanted to be sure, then looking at the African-American, she added, "And by the way, they're *it*, as in not alive, which is why you can't sue them." "I think in our line of work, we've come across plenty of *it's* you can sue," he argued. "Bargainers," the Brit echoed the name Fred had supplied earlier. "They're... stones, aren't they? Ancient stones, I believe very few are left to this day." "Okay, so not that it," Gunn muttered in his seat. "I-I've been using one as a paperweight," the Texan admitted, rather bashfully. At the former Watcher's stern look, she sighed, gazing up at him with the eyes of a misbehaved child. "I didn't know what it was, I just found one on my desk when I got the lab, Wes." Both men chuckled and she was soon to join them. Finally, Wesley asked, "But why did you think of these particular stones, why now?"

"You said you heard about them," she pointed out, "do you know what they're for?" The Brit cleared his throat again, a sign to that either he didn't quite know what to say or was embarrassed to say it. This time around, the first one was correct. "It has been a long time since I've even had a hold on one of these books, Fred..." "They're in your library," she cut in. "Well, an evil law firm's library, but now it's our evil law firm, which is why it's not *evil* anymore so... your library." "How do you know?" "Because that's where I've read about them." "And why did you read about them?" he asserted, clearly still having not received an answer to his primary question. "Spike," she firmly uttered the name, then moved on to a more detailed explanation. "I was up late one night, still searching for something to help Spike with, and I was alone in the lab, no one was there. Anyway, I got so tired the letters on the pages became all blurry and I couldn't even put together two simple square roots anymore, let alone a whole formula. But I felt I was really close to some major breakthrough, so I didn't wanna go to sleep, instead I decided to make some more coffee. So when I stood up to make it, I noticed... my paperweight and it was all yellow and shining and it just caught my eye and I realized I never tried to find out what it was, w-what kinda stone it was. So I took a break from Spike to clear my mind and kinda busied myself with that..." When her flow of speech came to a halt, both Gunn and Wesley were blankly staring at her; as if it actually took them several moments to grasp that she'd stopped talking. Their minds were obviously still a bit reeling from trying to process so many words at once, as it so often happened with Fred. "A-and?" Wesley finally managed. "And then it hit me!" the brunette exclaimed a tad too excitedly. "This was it, the way to help Spike. I've been looking in the wrong place all along." "I think I speak for Wes, too, when I say we could use some more background here," Gunn offered. "Apparently, these stones are used in spells, of the really serious kind. You use them when you want to trade something between dimensions, whether it's a physical entity or not, and you want something very specific in return. They're a sort of good luck charm, when you use one of these stones, the spell is bound to work properly." "Okay," the lawyer waved his hand, taking it in, "which bids the question - what do we want?" "Spike," the ex-Watcher answered. "Exactly!" Fred beamed. She was clearly on a roll although neither of the present men were willingly to say it out loud, since they both loved watching her go. "We want to make Spike corporeal, so what we need is that... something from that whatever other dimension that keeps him incorporeal in ours." "And this could be the lawyer in me talking, but what are we gonna have to give back?" "Well..." the smile vanished in a flash from her face as she hesitated for a moment before speaking. "That's the catch. Sort of." Fred regarded Wesley and Gunn. They both wore the same look, wordlessly saying the

same thing - I knew there was a catch. "You can't trade out something that isn't yours to give, as in something that is supposed to be here. You can only trade something that's... not. We really need to give something back, and it has to be something of Spike's. And... the only thing of Spike's that answers these requirements that we can give and is valuable enough is..." she inhaled before finishing her sentence, "his soul." Both men stared at her for a moment, as if in a trance. Ultimately, Gunn unequivocally spoke, "No. No way, no souls of certain used-to-be killers are being given away. Na-ah. No. For all I care, if that's his only way out, he can just be floating here forever." "Gunn, she's right," Wesley said, surprising his friend with that answer. Gunn honestly believed that Wesley would have been on his side. "There are two vampires with a soul, it wasn't supposed to happen. Souls aren't just to be given away like that, no matter what trials one endures. Angel was unique and so he was supposed to stay, by seeking himself a soul as well, Spike destroyed that balance. So many prophecies are written about the Vampire with a Soul, they speak of Angel, not Spike because there wasn't supposed to be a Spike involved to begin with. Fate is a very delicate fabric, it cannot be toyed with. Spike summoned something - his soul - into this world, where it no longer belonged. He already started showing interest in the Shanshu prophecy and it clearly speaks of Angel." He stopped and turned to look t Fred. "What I'm saying is that if there is a way to restore everything to the way it was, if there is a way for it to be done, I want to do that." The little Texan smiled in her seat and they both looked at Gunn. "Spike is a natural predator, Gunn," Wesley added, "he isn't *supposed* to be good. He wasn't supposed to change. You aren't exactly... making him something he's not." The other man regarded him thoughtfully, skeptically as he tried to come to a decision, when abruptly a question rose that hadn't been brought up before. "And what about Spike? How does he fall into this picture, cause I thought he'd like to get a vote, you know. Not that he'll just let you take his soul away like that," he said, snapping his fingers. "Hell, for all we know, he's listening right now," Gunn gestured around the vast room. "Not like that'd be a first." Wesley eyed him seriously, accepting the full weight of his argument, then he turned to Fred, who merely shrugged. "I was going to ask him. We can't do that without him, I know. We'll have to ask him. And... Buffy and Angel, too." "Yes, I suppose we will," the Brit agreed, rubbing his chin with his thumb and forefinger. "Gunn's brought up a very strong point though. Spike has worked very hard to get hold on his soul, by that referring to the trials he had to go through to supposedly earn it." "Yeah, but the way I figure, he did it all for a girl who, stating the obvious, is more than just a little in love with Angel." Gunn now pleaded the opposite to his former case. At the others' confused looks, he held up his hands in defense, "Just taking in all angles into consideration. Anyway, whatever happened before, Spike doesn't stand a chance. We're all clear on that, even he's clear on that, that's why he's probably been playing the invisible ghost for days since the Slayer showed her face here." "You mean he wouldn't want his soul because of Buffy?" Fred asked. "Possible," Gunn shrugged. "All's fair in love and war, you know. Now that he's chipless atop other things, you make him soulless, too and it's party time. He's Spike-"

"Exactly," Wesley came to his aid. "Judging by his record, he tends to be rather fickle at times. He's not known for too much patience or determination that lasts for long. So if Buffy really is the reason he wanted a soul, or should I say the main reason, I don't see why he'd insist on keeping it under the circumstances." After a beat, Fred spoke, voicing a different aspect, "But what if it's not?"

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Part Seven IMPORTANT NOTE: those of you who saw "Destiny" recognized in it some of the things that were mentioned in part 6 of my story, they will also be in this one and parts that will follow that are now with my beta. What I wanna make clear is that though many things in this fic would seem as though they came from the episode - they DIDN'T. I wrote this fic before I saw "Destiny" and unfortunately my own ideas happened to be similar to those of the writers on the show. But again, I want to make it clear this story was written BEFORE.

"Buffy." The Slayer jumped in surprise at the sudden mention of her name, almost spilling steaming coffee allover her white T-shirt. After inhaling a deep breath, she hissed, "Spike," before turning around, her green eyes briefly flickering with anger. In a calmer voice, she added, "Could you please not sneak up on me like that?" He regarded her until she thought he was about to apologize, "You're the Slayer, love, you'll get over it." "Fine," she put her mug down on the table. "Could you just not sneak up on me *now* then? Angel is sleeping in the next room, in case you're wondering, and I don't see him being very happy to find you here when he wakes up." Spike cocked an eyebrow as he chuckled softly at the remark. Buffy couldn't miss the smug gleam in his eyes even if she tried. "Why, the all-mighty Soul Boy's gone jealous all of a sudden? Don't we all know how much you hate that in your men..." "Shut up," she cut him off, rolling her eyes. "And be careful with the name calling, Spike. If memory serves me, it applies to you, too. And for your information, as much as I might may hate that, Angel is much angrier than he is jealous, which is, between the two of us, more than I can say about you." She steadily held the vampire's gaze, as if making her point with her eyes. "And Angel happens to in the long run, have a pretty good reason to be that way. As for the jealousy part of it, I'll knock it out of him my own way if I ever get tired of it. And seeing as he's wanted to kill every single guy who as much as looked at me the wrong way over the years and yet it still hasn't happened, I don't really think it will. And as for the anger part... let's just say if he ever lets it blow, you're lucky to be incorporeal." Spike was about to put in a word, when suddenly, Buffy resumed, "And another thing. I'm really not going to discuss my love life with Angel with you, no offense. It's sort of our business. So to conclude, please leave now. If you wanna talk, I don't see why we can't, but not now. Some other time. Like I said, I don't want Angel to-" "And I don't bloody give a damn about that!" the bleached blond interrupted her, surprising her with his abrupt anger.

"Excuse me?" she asked, her voice low as it always was when she was close to losing her patience. Spike grinned. He loved it when she looked pissed. Not that he'd tell her now, but he still loved it. However that's not why he came here. "Do you know what your little friends are going to do?" She waited before answering, as if trying to remember how they'd reached this subject. "No, I don't. And my friends are in England. Even if they were up to something, which they aren't, how would you know about it?" "Don't play dumb on me, Slayer," he raised his voice for the first time since his arrival, sounding more impatient than angry. "I'm not talking about your bunch of Scoobies back in the Mother Country, I'm talking about here, Los Angeles, I'm talking about Wesley, Fred and Gunn. Are we getting somewhere now?" The Slayer merely frowned in confusion, as if completely missing his outburst. "What *are* you talking about?" Spike greeted his teeth. Obviously this subject was getting to him and the fact the Slayer wasn't cooperating pissed him off, lightly speaking. Seeing that, Buffy sighed and repeated softly, looking him in the eye, "Spike? What are you talking about, I swear I have no idea-" At her gesture, he seemed to soften as well. "Last night, while you and your honey-bear were snuggling here, his friends, *your* friends were plotting to rip my soul out." Her eyes widened in astonishment as she stepped back. "What?" she finally managed. "Wh-why wou- why would they wanna do that? How did you find out-" "I heard," he replied evenly. "Last night, I came to Angel's office, I wanted to talk to him, I don't even remember what about. I heard them talking." "How much did you hear?" "Not enough. Just bits, then I took off. Didn't particularly feel like listening to any more of that." He paused, carefully eyeing the blonde Slayer standing in front of him. Would she be lying to him like that? Would she really know something like that was being schemed behind his back and not tell him? Spike scolded himself for having not stayed long enough last night for all these questions and more to be answered, but anger sometimes did have the better side of him and it was clearly one of those times. No, she wouldn't lie to him. Hell, even Angel, he had to admit it, although Spike wasn't nearly his favorite at the moment, wouldn't hide something like that away from him. These two honestly didn't know anything. As if to confirm it, Buffy swore, "Spike, I didn't know. And I'm sure Angel didn't know either. He wouldn't take that step behind your back, or for that matter, without consulting me first. Look, I'll..." she sighed, taking it all in. "I'll call Wes right now, I'll talk to him and I'll try to find out what it's all about. Okay? You just... lay low for a while. The way I hear it, you've been doing that ever since I showed up, so just keep that up. I'll find out what's going on and as soon as I do, I'll let you know." They shared a long gaze until he gave in to her so-called plan of action and nodded. "I promise," the Slayer added. Spike nodded again and vanished.

Buffy took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. A moment later the door was opened and Wesley stood on the other side. "Hello, Buffy," he greeted her with a polite smile and stepped aside. "Please, come in."

The Slayer walked into the apartment, following her former Watcher into the living room where he offered her a seat on the couch. Her eyes were aimlessly wandering about the room as she sat, taking in her surroundings. The apartment was smaller than Angel's, much less luxurious, and she guessed right thinking Wesley hadn't bought a new one after they'd taken over Wolfram&Hart. "Nice place, Wes," she commented finally. Then she jokingly added, glancing at the mess of open and closed books pilled up by the coffee table. "Not a book in sight." "Thank you," he smiled again. "Can I get you anything?" She shook her head and he sat down as well in an armchair opposite to her. "I was surprised you insisted I come here so we could meet, actually," he began. "I still don't understand why the firm wouldn't do." "Spike," she answered simply. "I didn't want to risk him eavesdropping, which I'm almost sure he would. But just for the record, I'm not planning on keeping secrets from him. I just wanted a place where we could talk quietly." "Alright," he agreed, leaning back in his seat. "What is it?" "It's Spike," she got straight to the point. "He came to me this morning and he told me he overheard you, Fred and Gunn saying something about taking away his soul?" her eyes spoke the rest as she encouraged the ex-Watcher to fill in her blanks. Also, in some part of her, she hoped he'd tell her Spike had heard wrong. But neither came. "So he was listening," he observed. "Wes. You're missing the point here. Yeah, he was listening, Spike bad. Now let's move on. What were you guys talking about and why didn't you tell Angel and me anything?" "We were going to, Buffy," Wesley assured in an apologetic voice. "We were going to today, in fact. We apparently didn't see the need to disturb you yesterday and Angel was upset over Spike already-" "Let me worry about Angel," she interrupted him, dismissing his entire attempt at explanation. "You should have told us, Wes, period. As soon as you had learned something about Spike, you should have told us." "I know," he admitted, looking down from her. "You're right, we should have. But it's complicated, Buffy. Truth is, at some point, I didn't want to tell you at all, I wanted to research it, I don't know what I wanted to do. I didn't want you or Angel or even Spike to make that choice until we had all the facts, never mind I didn't even know - still don't - what I was looking for." Buffy didn't say anything for a while, taking her time to understand the ex-Watcher's side in the story, too. "Alright. So getting past the keeping us in the dark part, what were you guys talking about?" "You know that ever since Spike appeared here, we've been searching for a way to make him corporeal so he could be completely bound to this world." "Okay." "So we found it. Or rather, Fred found it. She stumbled upon something that really makes it possible to make Spike whole again."

"I'm sensing a but coming up," she suspected knowingly. There's always a but coming up, Wesley admitted to himself. "What she found was a way to... trade, due to lack of better word, between dimensions. We give something to one dimension and we take something back in return. This way we could take Spike's other half, so to speak, from whatever dimension it's stuck in, but we'll need to... give it something back." The Slayer nodded as everything downed on her at once. "But why his soul?" she asked quietly. "Are you sure they wouldn't be okay with a... shoe or something?" Wesley offered a small smile. He'd have laughed if the matter hadn't been so serious. "It's his soul, Wes," Buffy continued, giving up on trying to lighten up what she couldn't. "I mean, you can't just take someone's soul away, it's not your right." "We weren't going to take it away..." "Did you tell Angel?" she wanted to know. "Did Angel tell you?" he asked rhetorically. At the silent answer in her eyes, he smiled. "Then how could we have told Angel?" The Slayer sighed, nervously combing her hand through her blond hair. "It can't end like this, Wes. You can't... we can't leave Spike this choice, okay? It's wrong. I know he's done bad things, and we all have our reasons to hate him, without getting into unnecessary details, I have more reasons than all of you combined and then probably Angel. But it's wrong. And as much as he might hate Spike, if he were here for this, he'd tell you the same thing." Wesley didn't say anything for a while. Was he genuinely surprised with her response? No. How could he be? In his entire life, he had never met a person as strong and with a heart as pure as Buffy. In such a young age, she was striken with a responsibility most people years older and wiser than she couldn't handle and she had no choice but to accept it. She had seen death and suffering in ways he couldn't even imagine and all this time, her only reward was pain. Family and friends kept getting killed and hurt, her only true love was taken away from her, a sister that wasn't real, things getting so bad the only choice in sight was suicide... It was no life for a young woman her age. It was no life for the girl she once was or was trying to be but never quite succeeding at it. Wesley always viewed Buffy as a hero. He viewed Angel the same way, but unlike him, who had been trying to amend for centuries of murder and whatnot, Buffy was pure. She maybe felt she had things to amend for, everybody did at one or another point of their lives because everybody made mistakes, but the choices she had to face and had driven her to those things were justifications enough. She had sacrificed her life to the world over the years, both literally and not and never asked anything in return. He didn't know a lot of what had happened between Buffy and Spike in the past couple of years. Angel shared very little of that with Wesley and he never pried for more, he figured the vampire had his reasons for hiding whatever he was hiding, if he was hiding anything at all. There also was a reason for Angel's hatred towards Spike though he wasn't showing it as openly as he probably wanted to. Spike must have done something to Buffy, but what - Wesley didn't know. What also puzzled him was that sometimes when the subject was brought up, except for the anger in the vampire's eyes, Wesley could clearly see the guilt, which meant Angel blamed himself for something. What... he again, didn't know. Angel always blamed himself for everything bad that happened to Buffy, there was no one he was more protective of than his Slayer even when in reality she wasn't his, only that this time Wesley had a feeling it was particularly bad.

And nonetheless, Buffy was right. If Angel were here, he'd be against it. He wouldn't just let them take away his grandchilde's soul. But there was more to it than that, and Buffy had to know that. He had to shed new light over the situation and there was but one way for it to be done. "Spike's, or should I say William's soul doesn't belong in this world, Buffy," he stated. Her brow slightly furrowed in confusion. "Why wouldn't it belong here? Spike's here, well - sort of, why doesn't his soul belong here?" "Spike is here," Wesley agreed with her argument. "But William is not. William is dead and his body is a habitant to the demon that is Spike. When William died, his soul passed on to another dimension, where it should have remained." "And..." the word died out as she was almost afraid to speak the rest, "Angel?" "Angel is different," he soothed. "He is unique. Angel's existence has been prophesized long before Liam was even conceived. Angel's soul, unlike Spike's, belongs here. Do you think it'd be that easy to reclaim it once it's lost, if it didn't?" Buffy cocked a brow at his use of the word 'easy' and Wesley inwardly reconsidered it. "But Angel is the only one, Buffy, there wasn't meant to be another vampire with a soul. The Powers that Be must have great things planned for him if they went through all the trouble to reach across dimensions to reunite his soul with his body. However, it isn't the case for Spike. His soul is the only thing valuable enough that doesn't belong in this world to begin with that we *can* exchange. And we must." "Why must?" she demanded. "Why did the Powers let him get his soul back if he wasn't supposed to have one?" "Do you really think Spike would have stayed with you until the final battle if he didn't have a soul to drive him to such sacrifice?" Wesley asked in his turn. "No," she answered weakly as a complete realization hit her. "The amulet..." "The amulet was given to Angel, and when he came to give it to you, he was wholeheartedly ready to die by your side, wearing it," the Brit knowingly completed her thoughts. "But you would have never let him do that, would you?" "I didn't want Spike to die," she said, indirectly answering his question. "I didn't think- I didn't know wearing the amulet equaled death. But I would have never let Angel face The First and wear the amulet, I would have worn it myself if it came down to that." "But you wouldn't have worn it yourself for Spike," Wesley commented gently. The blonde Slayer looked away with a sigh. "Spike isn't Angel." "No he is not," Wesley agreed with a smile. "In any rate, not for you, and that what's important. He was to wear the amulet and win the fight against The First Evil, by which restoring the balance as his role in this world would be complete." "Balance?" she didn't understand. "Angel told you about the Shanshu prophecy, didn't he?" At the blonde's nod, he continued. "Well, now Spike found out about it as well. He will fight for it, eventually if not already, certainly once he is both

corporeal and ensouled. And then there are other heroic, life-changing and apocalyptic prophecies having to do with the vampire with the soul, with Angel. Except now there are two." As he watched the realization in the Slayer's eyes, his voice softened and became more sensitive than before. He knew it wasn't easy for her. Angel would prevail, it didn't take a genius to know that, but it didn't mean it was easy for her, which was why he had to make her understand. "It's a chaos now, Buffy. Its misleading prophecies and things turn our awry, it's wrong. Fate is something not to be messed with. Whatever force had brought Spike back must have to do with evil, my prime and sole suspect would be Wolfram&Hart, who for years have been trying to thwart Angel off his path. Angel's crucial role in the Apocalypse was never determined, it wasn't clear whether he would fall on the side of good or evil and knowing it, the good and the evil have been fighting over him for decades. I've thought long about it and perhaps it was the evil's way to gain the upper hand. If it let Spike have all the other prophecies, it could have Angel to itself. So it could be that Angel's role *is* good, which was why the evil had been driven to take these steps. The thing is, good fought back. We have a chance to make things as they were, restore the damaged balance. Angel's destiny is at stake here, Buffy. If we don't do something, we'll lose him." She covered her face with her palms in defeat, emitting another sigh. "You know," her voice sounded muffled before she tiredly looked up at the man before her. "I remember a time when you shoved crosses in his face and refused to fight for his life when Faith poisoned him. Now you're his best friend, willing to do anything to save his destiny. Been long, hasn't it, Wes?" Her remark seemed to be entirely out of place, but Wesley knew it wasn't. "I suppose it has," he acknowledged. "I'm able to talk to you about these things now because we're in the same boat. Many of us, unfortunately myself included, couldn't see for so long what you have always seen in Angel. But there's no time for regrets now. As I said, something of the highest significance is on the line and we have a chance to finally do something about it." "We have to talk to Angel," she said. "We do," he nodded. "And we will. He's in his office now, I'll call him and have him come over. But these are details, Buffy. Angel's self-sacrificial nature may come in the way to what's right again and I'm not sure either of us is willing to bear the consequences. Before I call Angel, I need your answer." He looked her straight in the eye, his gaze strong and determined as he waited for response. Finally, it came. "Yes."

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Part Eight

By now everyone who was in on the latest revelations was assembled in Angel's office. That included Angel himself, naturally Buffy, Wesley, Fred and Gunn. Spike of course, wasn't present, but Buffy didn't care anymore whether or not he could listen in on their conversation. Things were far too important in her book to begin hiding. And if everyone was called to Wesley's apartment at once, they *would* raise suspicion.

The former Watcher spent the last twenty minutes trying to give the ensouled vampire the not-so-short version of what he had earlier that day told the Slayer in his apartment. Following her advice, Wesley told carefully, mindfully picking his words, but trying not to leave out anything that was of any importance to Angel's eventual decision. Both Wesley and Buffy were fully aware of how crucial the situation had become and both wanted Angel on their side when time came. Of course, they both also knew the vampire was hardly predictable when it came to do with these sorts of questions. Or rather he was predictable, only they didn't like what they predicted. Needless to say, they were both nervous. Finally, the silence of anticipation was broken by Angel. He slowly rose from his chair and walked around his desk, meeting the former Watcher halfway in the center of the room. He folded his arms on his chest, his eyes dark and set as he regarded the other man. Buffy swallowed hard as she recognized only too well that stance and all it did was to confirm the vibes she had already been receiving from her lover for quite some time. Confusion, anger... even betrayal. For five long seconds, he simply stood, completely still, and given the fact he wasn't even breathing, he resembled a statue rather than a person. "Why wasn't I told anything?" "We weren't exactly given a head start here, man," Gunn said, knowing all the while the question wasn't meant for him. Naturally, it didn't surprise him one bit when Angel didn't as much as glanced his way. "Charles is right, Angel," Fred made another attempt to help Wesley. "We weren't given enough time-" This time, Angel did look away from the former Watcher. "Not enough time?" He looked back at Wesley. "Spike has been a vampire with a soul for about a year before he died. So this little problem of ours you're informing me of *now* has been going on for quite some time!" "We didn't know, Angel," followed the Brit's stern reply. "We had no idea Spike had a soul, andyou didn't as well until you stumbled upon the Sunnydale files when we took over Wolfram&Hart and maybe not even that early. We had no idea there was another vampire with a soul, we couldn't be looking - we had no reason to be looking - for a problem, if we didn't know there was something to cause said problem!" "That's crap." "Angel-" "Don't!" the vampire bellowed in such a manner that literally shook the Slayer alert as he swiftly unfolded his arms and made one step in the direction of the ex-Watcher, causing him to instinctively back away. "I don't give a rat's ass about what you have to say. You knew. I *know* you knew!" The Brit stared at him in astonishment and shock, unable to look away. He resembled a deer caught in the fire. While a part of him maybe understood where both Angel's anger and pain were coming from, the other had no idea why his best friend was behaving this way. This behavior of the ensouled vampire left him paralyzed with uncertainty and fear he only remembered feeling while facing his father sometimes as a child. That and another vague memory that suddenly materialized in his mind he couldn't quite explain... Seeing the reflection of his friend's emotions in his eyes, Angel regained control to a certain amount and backed off just a little. "You *knew*, Wes," he repeated steadily. "You came up with some pretty impressive theories and explanation in what you claim was only one night, which means you had sources to lean on, which means you suspected something like this could happen before. That if there ever were another vampire cursed with a soul before whatever destiny is in store for me kicked in, this could happen. You knew!" The ex-Watcher lowered his gaze after a beat, involuntarily recognizing the truth in his best friend's words. "I knew," he admitted inaudibly.

His reply was followed by barely heard surprised gasp from Fred as Angel regarded him for a spell, not saying anything. Then, "Then how could you not tell me?" "I'm sorry," Wesley finally looked up. "I didn't t-think..." "Oh you di-" the wave of anger accompanying his words abruptly died out with any sounds leaving past his lips as a hand lay on his arm, causing him to turn around. By the time he directed his gaze at her, the flash of darkness in his orbs died away as well. "Guys," surprising him, Buffy addressed her speech to the others. "Could you give us a few minutes please? I'd like to talk to Angel alone. Wes," she exchanged a meaningful gaze with the Brit over her lover's back and he nodded in return, turning around and quickly making his way out of the office with Gunn and Fred in tow. When the door was closed behind Fred, Buffy finally turned to Angel, whom she found crouched on the sofa, with his face buried in the palms of his hands. The blonde let out a sigh and sat down next to him. She reached out with one hand and combed her fingers through his brown hair. The tender gesture urged him to lift his head and she cupped his cheek in her palm. "Angel," she began, her voice soft and patient as she spoke, "I know how you feel, or... I try to," she amended. "But you still didn't have to lash out on him like that. What was that all about?" "So you're taking his side now?" His reply came in the form of what she had least expected. She sighed, vowing to not let his temper entangle her in an argument, it wasn't the time for childish behavior. "Honey, no, I'm not taking his side, but fact is he was only trying to help. As soon as he knew something, he came clean and told you. He's your best friend, Angel, he'll never cause you any intentional harm, he'll never doublecross you." Something flashed in the vampire's eyes before she could go on, but a little voice advised her to drop it. For now. "Wes will give his life for you, if things came down to that, just like me, just like every one of your friends. Just like you will do in a heartbeat for any of us. Yeah, he maybe should have told you if he even for a minute thought something like this could happen, but it's more complicated than black and white, Angel. I'm a Slayer, for all I'm concerned, I could be dead tomorrow. It doesn't mean I spend my days hanging around my best friends, warning them it *might* happen. You follow?" He nodded, releasing a deep breath and covering her hand on his cheek with his own. If she only knew... As if answering his thoughts, Buffy spoke again, "And I really hope one day you can tell me what really stood behind that little outburst of yours. Because I know you're hiding something from me, and my not-so wild guess is, from Wes, too. And maybe not even just the two of us. The only reason I'm not pursuing it further now is because it isn't the time. But once we get through this and everything will be over, I want your word you will tell me. Promise me, Angel." He nodded again, this time adding a feeble half-smile. "I will. I promise. Someday." She smiled, too, evidently accepting his offer. "Someday is good." Silence settled between them for a while, until Buffy put a stop to it. "You know what has to be done," she murmured. "Like you said before," his reply shortly followed. "It's not that simple." "No, Angel, it's not," she brushed her hand over the side of his face and his hair as she spoke, "important decisions never really are. But at the same time, it is. It is because it's you."

"What are you talking about?" She laughed softly. "Do you have any idea how much I love you, any idea what I would do for you, give up for you?" She held his eyes imprisoned by her green pools, making him practically immobilized. "Angel... this is you. Not just anybody, okay? I have... feelings for Spike, it's true. I care about him, but you already know that so no need to go there. But he isn't you. And I will never allow you to lose your chance at redemption, not to anyone, not to Spike. Angel," her voice suddenly became softer, as if it were coming from the very depth of her soul. Her eyes, though still shining with the purity of love and happiness, glistened with still tears and she gently brushed her lips over his before speaking again. "I may not live long enough to see this day even if I live long enough, but it will come. The day when you will step into the sunlight and feel it as it spreads warmth all through you, when you will breathe in the scent of everything that's still beautiful in this world, when your heart will beat in that beautiful rhythm. You will *live* one day, Angel. I have all the faith in the world in that you will prevail in everything and you will have that redemption in the palm of your hand. And even if I don't see that happen, I'll be damned if while I am here, I won't do everything and anything in my power to make sure it will." "Buffy," he enveloped her in his arms, crushing her to him and holding her as tight as he only could. But she only allowed him one moment of closeness before pulling back reluctantly and speaking again. "I killed you once to save this world, and with you a part of me went to hell and stayed there, just like a part of you did even after you came back. I lost faith in this world, Angel, because you started a chain that hasn't ended yet and never will. You were the first person I lost whom I loved so much. Then mom followed, and Tara, and Anya. But as much as in part I'm ashamed to say it, neither left me as scarred as losing you did. For the rest of my life, I will be asking myself if maybe one drop would have been enough. I loved you more than I would love anything in this life," she repeated the words she had spoken to Xander months ago, "and I killed you anyway. Not just killed you... worse. And a few years later, I had to kill Dawnie for pretty much the same reason and I couldn't let that happen. No way I could let that happen, because if I let her die, it wouldn't only be killing my sister, it would be killing you allover again, it would mean I didn't learn anything. So I jumped. Some might say I was too much of a coward to live in the world of after, to *deal*... so I jumped." "Buffy, no..." he made an attempt to touch her face but she only recoiled and shushed him with a finger over his lips, indicating she wasn't finished yet and it wasn't neither the time nor the place for pity. "A few months ago, I told Giles that if I had to make that choice again, I wouldn't choose Dawn over the world. Angel," a sob escaped her pursed lips and without hesitation he gathered her in his arms again, stroking her back as she tightly clutched his shirt in her fists. "It was one of the scariest moments of my life," she said, her voice only a little muffled as she spoke into his chest. "And what's even worse, I only realized that recently, during one of my trips down memory lane. I don't wanna be that kind of person, Angel," she looked up, her tearful eyes boring into his. "I don't wanna be that kind of Slayer that puts the mission above the people she loves, I won't be. So no more giving up, no more making wrong choices. There are always sacrifices, Angel, no matter what we choose, someone will always get hurt. But this someone will never again be a person that I love. This is one vow I made before I came back to you and I intend to keep it, no matter what." "I love you," he confessed, as he cradled her face in his hands and placed a soft kiss on her brow. But what she found in his eyes scared her. "Buffy... you know I wished Spike death and other things, in pretty much every shape or form, I even shared some of these wishes with you. There was jealousy involved, there was anger, and there were other emotions that have driven me over the years. But," he moistened his lips before resuming his speech, "this is different. I know what it's like, to have your soul ripped out of your body, I experienced it in the worst way, because I experienced it out of a moment of the purest happiness, the most beautiful bliss I have ever felt before. It's... not death, Buffy. It's worse than death. It's so much worse than death."

"W-what are you saying?" she questioned, her voice trembling with each word that made it past her lips. "I don't think I can do that." "No... no," she shook her head frantically, drawing back from him. "You don't get to think you can't do that. Angel, I can accept your decision and I can respect it on many occasions, but... not this, not now. This is too important to-" she sucked in a breath, collecting herself. "Dammit, Angel, I told you, no giving up." "It isn't about giving up, Buffy, it's about what's right. I can't take someone's soul away, it's not mine to take, I'm not God!" She shook her head again. "Don't play the wise one on me now, Angel. You heard Wes, it is right, this soul doesn't belong here. It isn't supposed to be here..." "It isn't the point," he grabbed her hand. "The point is that I have no right. I can't do something like that to apparently *anyone* just so I could benefit. It isn't about me, that's the point. Spike... as much as I hate to admit it, and it's probably the only time you'll hear it passing through my lips unless by some other miracle he gets corporeal and I'm pummeling him in the process, he earned that soul. Maybe not according to my scale, but according to whatever test he undertook, he earned it fair and square. And he did it for you." "I know, Angel-" "He sought this soul out. You know what, no matter what his reason was, he *sought* it out. Unlike me, he wanted it. I have no right to take it away..." The Slayer just gaped at him for a moment, she could hardly believed their roles flipped like that. Wasn't it only last night they were reversed? "It's called restoring order, Angel. It's different. You're not doing it for any kind of personal gain. Wes said-" "What Wes said was that if I don't rid Spike of his soul, I will eventually lose my chance at redemption," he corrected. "Chaos, Angel. Do you remember that word? Do you remember what he said about this mess forcing prophecies to be rewritten, cancelled, lost, new ones born, not necessarily good. Is that the kind of world you're fighting for, because I sure as hell know that it's not!" she jumped to her feet, taking a couple of steps back from the still sitting vampire, her eyes welling with tears but full of determination at the same time. "You will do what's right, and yes, it so happens you *will* do it for you, too, and there is no room for any kind of discussion here. I already told you I won't let you throw away your destiny, I guess you'll just have to deal with the fact that I love you a little too damn much!" "Buffy-" "Don't Buffy me. It's the soul thing, I know. If it was something else, you would fight for it, I know for sure that you would. But because it's a soul, you get personally involved and you back down." Her sharp gaze darkened as it challenged him to plead otherwise. When he didn't, she flashed a knowing smile. "Well, newsflash, you already are personally involved, soul or no soul, because *you* are the one at stake here! And I need you on my side. When we talk to Spike, and which we will, I'll need you on our side. I'll need you to stand there and fight for your redemption, Angel, because it is yours by right, by destiny, by whatever you want, it's yours and if I have anything to do with it, it will remain yours. Always. And I sort of need you to get used to that. Why, tell me why does everybody think you earned it but you, why does everybody think you deserve it but you? Why does everybody have faith in you but you, Angel? Why do I have to stand here and beg the man I love to accept his destiny, his reward? God dammit, tell me why!"

"Buffy, I-" But Angel's voice died away as his eyes focused on something behind the exasperated Slayer and whatever he had wanted to tell her slipped his mind. She revolved to see what he was looking at and only in the last possible second managed to forestall the gasp rising in her throat. "Spike." "Do it," the other vampire spoke, his voice flat and resolved, before she could say anything other than his name. There was an odd gleam in his eyes, or maybe it was lack thereof, Buffy couldn't quite determine. "W-what?" she croaked. Angel just stared, he seemed to be both paralyzed and speechless, which normally wasn't like him. "You heard me, Slayer, do your little spell. You can have my soul. So long as I get my body or whatever rest of it in return, it's as a bloody fair deal as fair deals get, ain't it?" "Spike-" she tried again, but couldn't make out the words. The thoughts inside her head whirled in turmoil and she was unable to make sense of them, much less to verbalize them. "Don't ask questions," he held up his hand, the corner of his mouth curved up in a tiny smile. "Just do it. Later... I'll give you your answers you're looking for, if you still want them. Now call them in here, work your mojo, whatever you do. Fred knows how." "How do you-" "I heard," he gestured at his right ear. "Now, call them." "Spike," she drew in a deep breath and finally felt she could make out full sentences. She looked straight at Angel's grandchilde. "I was... we were never going to do this behind your back, we were going to-" "I know. Won't see me arguing with that, cause I know. I know you. But I still want you to do it now. Go ahead," he nodded in the direction of the phone set on Angel's desk, "call them."

next

Part Nine

"Trouble sleeping?" Buffy started and turned around, swallowing as she silently watched the uninvited guest casually progress towards her. "How did you get in?" she finally asked when she felt her voice return to her. "I-I mean you're not a-" "The old-fashioned way," Spike shrugged. "Vampire entering another vampire's lair... no rules against that. How've you been?"

"Fine." She waited a moment before asking what she'd wanted to know for quite some time, "Where have *you* been?" "Around. Avoiding the law, which happens to be you and your honey." "You wanna tell me that William the Bloody is laying low?" she almost laughed at the thought. "For a while, Slayer. Don't let it get to your head. But I'll be out of here and long gone by the time you do, anyway." Her expression sobered. "What do you mean?" Now it was his turn to laugh, and he did. "We're in the city of Angels, Buffy, not my kinda spot. Don't feel like winding up being one of those wankers spending their nights trying to escape your boy's stake. Besides, it's sort of time I stepped from under his shadow all together, wouldn't you say?" He waited patiently for the Slayer to respond and when she didn't, he added, "I bet he'd agree. As much as it makes my night causing trouble under his nose, don't think he'd be all too happy running into me on nightly basis, which won't make me all that happy either." She nodded. "So where are you going?" He flashed her a cocky grin. "Say, you already warned your bunch of friends? Cause I thought I'd pay them a visit..." "Spike," she warned. "Calm, Slayer," he dismissed her with a casual wave of his hand as he leaned against the wall. "I'm not gonna show my face there. But Europe probably is where I'm headed anyway. Back to the roots, you know, that's what a mate needs to make it on his own." "You're gonna find Dru?" she wanted to know. The blond vampire looked at her oddly, his eyes reflecting both his hope to pick up at least the smallest note of jealousy in her voice and the disappointment when there was none. But he considered her question for a moment and Buffy could almost see the ideas being born inside his head. At times like these, she wished she had less imagination. "Guess I could do that. See if she missed me. If not, I'll remind her." 'Tie her up, torture her, until she likes me again,' the Slayer remembered his words from years ago. Well at least he successfully reverted to form. "Hmm," she cleared her throat, blushing slightly and grateful the dimness of the room prevented him from seeing that. "That's... great." "You're not jealous, are you?" he joked, but they both knew there was more to it, there always was. "Spike," she sighed, by that supplying enough of an answer. "So what are you doing here? And... now?" "Seems pretty safe. I'm not dust yet, so things must be working for me somehow." Realizing he wasn't answering her real question, he shrugged. "I told you I'd give you answers, didn't I?" She gave him a look. "Yeah, and then once Fred performed the ritual and correct me if I'm wrong, you were locked in a cell for obvious reasons, you took off without notice. Or so we realized when we found said cell empty a couple of hours later. That happened days ago. Truth is I didn't exactly think we'd see your face here ever again, let alone in Angel's apartment."

"Well, something did keep sleep from your pretty eyes, love," he noticed, traces of his typical Spike-humor evident in his voice. "Got me all worried." "What do you want?" she demanded, picking it up right away and cutting straight to the chase. "From you?" he feigned innocence for a moment. "Wanna tell me what you were thinking about? Cause if you tell me you were having second thoughts, that'd just make my night." She offered him a sad smile. "I wasn't thinking about that, Spike. Not in the sense you think, anyway." "Bummer," he observed typically. "Oh well. So go ahead. Ask." The Slayer looked him straight in the eye. "Why did you do that? Why did you just come and agree to have your soul removed when only a day before, as far as you were concerned, it wasn't even an option? What made you change your mind so drastically?" He chuckled. "That's it? You mean that's all you wanted, that's what I came here to answer?" She rolled her eyes at his reaction. "Sorry for your time, Spike. If memory serves me, I didn't exactly call you or invite you here." "Fine," he grumbled. "I always figured you had more brains than this, but oh well." "So now we're down to name-calling?" she arched a brow. "Or did you lose your maturity together with the soul?" "And she strikes back!" he laughed. "Way to go, Slayer." "Just answer the question, Spike," she said patiently. "Fine," he indifferently tugged at his shoulders. "You didn't want it." "I didn't want what?" "My soul, Buffy. You didn't want it. I got it for you in the first place, or did you completely forget about that? You didn't want it anymore, so I figured, what the heck, let her have what she does want, again." She gaped at him in disbelief. "You are- you actually- my God, you're unbelievable!" "What?" he threw his hands up. "Excuse me, love, but I don't recall you particularly caring about whether I keep this soul or not, in fact, you *wanted* me to give it up, should I remind you for whom? See, I happened to hear your little love proclamation, you made it pretty clear who was your priority. I went and got this bleedin' soul first and foremost for you, but it never meant anything to you, did it? Not really, I mean." "Didn't mean anything?" she exclaimed. His attitude was really getting to her and she prayed she'd be able to keep herself under control in the nearby future. "Dammit, Spike, maybe next time you should go jump off a cliff to prove your undying love for me? I didn't ask you to get a soul, I didn't ask you to prove yourself to me, I didn't ask you to do *anything*. You already knew whom my heart belonged to, you knew even way before, even when Riley was still around, that's why you made him into your personal punching bag. Is that... I-I mean is that me? Am I doing something to men that makes them do the stupidest things to *impress* me? First Riley, then you, is there something wrong with me?"

"I appreciate the comparison, love," was all he said. "I'm sure Captain Cupboard appreciates it, too." "Spare me," she spat. She was angry, soon to be way past even that and all it did for Spike was turn him on. "You wanna know why you went and got yourself a soul? Because unlike Riley, who found other ways to try and fit into Angel's shoes, your testosterone took you one step further! You really think the reason I took you in afterwards was because I was grateful? No, Spike, I wasn't grateful. And the feelings I did have for you then, they weren't love, they weren't the kind of love I feel for Angel. The ensouled Spike knew that," she said quietly. "I wonder if you do, too." He didn't say anything at first, as though he was waiting for her to cool off a bit. When he felt she did, he confessed, "I didn't need a soul to love you, Buffy." She let out a short, almost merciless laugh that scared them both. "You tried to *rape* me," she slowly uttered the sentence. "And you did that to *make* me love you. No, Spike you needed a soul. You more than needed a soul because I'm not sure you really loved me even when you got yourself one. I'm not sure, because I'm not in the position to judge because I never loved you back. But when you had no soul... that wasn't love. Whatever you thought you felt for me, I don't know what it was, part of me just wishes to erase that entire year from ever happening and you're only part of the reason to that. But there's one thing I'm doubtlessly sure of - that wasn't love." "And like I ever stood a chance even if I did fight for my soul, Buffy," he observed bitterly. "But that's just it, you didn't fight for it! God, I always knew you got it for me, but then you were really helping, you came through so many times and a part of me started to believe maybe there was something more to it, maybe your soul was really getting to you. But you ruined all that when you didn't fight for it, you didn't care, you just... gave up the most precious thing you had because a girl dumped you!" She inhaled, staring at him, her eyes wide and sparkling. She didn't tell him half of just how it really hurt her when he had surrendered like that, how the amount of faith she did have in him shattered before her eyes. She spared him that. "Angel... he fought for your soul more than you did, he fought because he knew what it was like to lose a soul. But you-" "You wanted it!" he cut her off, all traces of patience and calmness leaving his voice. "That's what you bloody wanted so bad, that he would have his destiny! Angel would have this, Angel would have that, this all God damned thing was for him, you couldn't care less what happened to me!" "That's not true!" she yelled back. Only after these words left her mouth, she collected herself, "I wanted everything for Angel, I always did and I always will. Angel comes first, that's a fact you were always aware of, so don't try to play dumb. But I would have still looked for another way, and Angel would have also. Maybe something that will allow us to keep your soul, I sure as *hell* wouldn't have forced anything like that on you! But now I just ask myself, what was I so worried about in the first place, obviously you don't give a damn whether you had it or not! But in the end, Spike, this isn't about Angel, it isn't about what I wanted either. This is about you, this is about how casually you treated something so delicate and important, it made me realize just how unimportant it really was to you, that's all it did." "Oh I see," Spike observed sarcastically as he pushed himself off the wall. "So if I was the one to get the soul shoved down my throat by a bunch of Gypsies, that'd make all the difference?" Buffy groaned in obvious frustration. "Will you stop, for one second, will you just stop? There's gotta be something seriously wrong with me, considering I've been standing here, going out of my way to explain my lovelife to you while not only shouldn't I be talking to you about that, I should be staking you instead!" "Sorry, honey," he grinned darkly, unimpressed, "I think I'd like to enjoy my body in one piece just a little while longer before you go and do that."

"You know," she sighed as she wrapped her arms around her middle and briefly cast her eyes to the floor. All irritation seemed to have left her voice when she spoke this time, "I know you're probably not gonna believe that, but I would have never, and I mean never, even contemplated over taking your soul away from you-" "If it hadn't been for Angel," he finished her sentence for her with a knowing grin. "But you did take it, you were ready to take it. And even if I always knew you'd pick him, it kinda did bruise my ego." "I'm sorry..." He laughed. "Hey, the way I see it, you secured your honey one hell of a destiny, why are you sorry? Besides, I'm not your average save-a-soul-fight-the-good-fight champion type, that's his gig, remember?" The Slayer rolled her eyes, summoning back the anger again, "While you're standing here cracking jokes on his expense, there is something you really should know. He's ready to die, literally, as long as it prevents him from being soulless. I know how much he loves me, I know what it did to him to leave me all those years ago, but he did, and one of the reasons he did that was to keep his soul out of danger. No, he didn't ask for it, I'm sure Angelus didn't appreciate being cursed, but it happened. And even before he learned of his true destiny, Angel was willing to do anything to keep his demon from running lose again. He made me, *me* swear, years ago, to kill him myself if it ever happened again. So I'm sorry, Spike, a soul isn't everything. I told you that once already and you understood. Angel has the most beautiful soul," she smiled faintly saying that, "but it's the person behind it that really counts." The vampire nodded, looking away from her. When he looked up, something flashed in his eyes, but only for a moment. Taking her by surprise, he simply said. "I'll see you around." Then, revolved and left the way he'd come. Buffy stood speechless for a moment, her mouth hanging open, evidently still processing his unusual reaction to her words, until a voice behind her spoke, explaining it all, "So that's it, huh?" The Slayer spun around and her eyes lay on her boyfriend, his intense gaze studying her carefully as he stood in the doorway to their bedroom, leaning with one side on the frame. He didn't wear a shirt and his wide chest was open and inviting, only increasing her yearning to wrap herself in his strong arms and stay there. "I was wondering what took you so long to show yourself," she observed. "I figured you'd be out here tearing his throat out the second you heard his voice." Angel chuckled, but didn't move an inch from where he stood. "Oh, I heard a little more than just his voice. Better question would be, who *didn't*, within a mile's radius, hear the two of you just now." Then the smile vanished from his features. "I wanted to," he admitted without hesitation. "But I guess I'm growing as a person," he chuckled at that. "I figured it was better to let you have the closure moment," he said, then flashed her a tiny mischievous grin. "Besides, from what I heard, you didn't need my help for the throat ripping. Gotta say I thought it'd go smoother than that." "So did I," she whispered, and as though responding to her silent plea, he paced over to where she stood, waiting, and pulled her to him, possessively fastening his arms around her small frame, and she melted into him, savoring every bit of his embrace. "It's okay," he kissed the top of her head. "Maybe not the way you wanted it, Buffy, but it's over. I love you. And everything else is the past, it's over, it doesn't matter." He heard her sniff back tears and pulled away, making her look at him. "What is it?"

She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, inhaling a shaky breath. "You think it was my fault? That I made Riley and probably Spike feel inadequate, that I made them do all those things because I couldn't love them?" He looked away for a moment before answering. "I don't know. I wasn't there, Buffy." "I screwed up, Angel. I screwed up real bad. I drove Spike to go and get himself a soul and as a result got you into this whole mess to begin with. If it wasn't for me..." "Buffy, don't," he shushed her with a gesture of his hand. "Spike has always been that way. For as long as I've known him, he'd do the craziest and stupidest thing imaginable to impress a woman, woman being Dru. You have no idea what he did for her and I'm not even going to go there. But Buffy... you didn't owe him anything. You can't make yourself feel something you just don't feel. I haven't been able to make it work with anyone ever since we broke up and I had dozens of chances, through most of which I just looked the other way. Even with Cordelia... Buffy, I started feeling whatever attraction I was feeling for her when she started reminding me of you." At the Slayer's confused gaze, he couldn't help but smile. "Don't ask. But it wouldn't have worked even if you hadn't come back because no matter what, she could never be you." A realization struck at his consciousness and he sighed. "So maybe I do understand you after all, because... I've been looking for you in every face I saw ever since we looked at each other through the smoke rising from the old high school." "You were right," she smiled, and her smile was sad and a little forced. "That wasn't how I wanted it to end." "It never really does," he observed thoughtfully. "But I'm still glad it's ended." "Yeah," she breathed, throwing her arms around him and nestling against his chest. "Angel," she quietly spoke his name, her eyes closed at the inevitable sense of home and belonging she only found in his arms. "Let's just go back to sleep, okay? I'm tired. And I wanna wake up in the morning, when all this mess is behind us and we can really, for once, start fresh. We have still so much to work on." "We do," he nodded, releasing her from his embrace. She looked up at him, surprised by the sudden change she could almost sense coming from him in vibes. "Buffy," he finally spoke again, directing his gaze at her. He was obviously searching for the right words, but was unable to find any. "I need to- you have... so much faith in me, and I- I just really hope I can live up to that." She brought a hand up to his face with a smile so bright it dispelled all his insecurities and fears. "You will. You already do." "Thank you," he leaned in and met her lips in a kiss. Then he smiled, too, and took her left hand in his, wordlessly slipped a ring on her ring finger and kissed it once before he let go. Buffy looked down at it, then back at Angel, then back at the ring and at Angel again, her lips slightly parted in disbelief the entire time. Finally, her eyes settled on the vampire's, seeking an explanation. "I wanted you to wear it... again. I guess I was just waiting for the right time," he paused, rethinking his upcoming words before he spoke them and it'd be too late to take them back. The last thing he wanted to do now was hurt her. "I wanted you to be free... before you could wear it."

To his relief, she merely smiled, both love and gratitude shining brightly in her eyes. "Isn't putting this ring back on this finger kinda unfrees me?" Angel chuckled at that remark, encircling her in his strong arms and crushing her against him. "Yeah, but... now you're mine." "Silly," she giggled. "Oh yeah?" he playfully quirked a brow. Still, she simply smiled. "Don't you know I've always been?"

THE END