Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Blonde Jokes
Uipnbt!G/!Tivcofmm!
Buck-A-Book Blonde Jokes © 2009, Thomas F. Shubnell. All rights
reserved.
Amazon.com
Blondeomania ..............................................................................5
Quickies ........................................................................ 6
Blonde Stories ............................................................................19
Dropping a Load ......................................................... 20
Another Breathalyzer.................................................. 21
X-Ray Glasses ............................................................ 22
Flying Blonde ............................................................. 23
Blonde Easter.............................................................. 24
T G I F ........................................................................ 26
Jamaica ....................................................................... 27
Bus Trip ...................................................................... 28
Blond Jockey .............................................................. 29
Blondes ....................................................................... 30
I Hate Lunch ............................................................... 32
Voice Activated .......................................................... 33
Craps........................................................................... 34
Dents........................................................................... 35
Blonde Detectives....................................................... 36
Blonde Burial.............................................................. 38
Flowers ....................................................................... 39
Alligator Shoes ........................................................... 40
Bus 54 ......................................................................... 41
Hardware..................................................................... 42
Blonde......................................................................... 43
Silver Thermos ........................................................... 44
Rescue......................................................................... 45
Blonde Jokes
Blondeomania
5
Blonde Jokes
QUICKIES
"
Did you hear about the blonde who went into the bar and
ordered twenty one drinks?
She saw the sign that said, “No one served under 21.”
"
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a
compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She
opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmm, this person
looks familiar.”
"
What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”
"
6
Blonde Jokes
"
What’s the first thing a blonde does after sex?
Opens the car door.
"
A blonde, in her fourth year as a freshman, was sitting in
class when the professor asked her if she knew what
decision Roe vs. Wade was.
She sat there for quite a while, pondering this very profound
question. She finally sighed and said, “I think that was the
decision George Washington made when he crossed the
Delaware.”
"
Do you know what a space probe is?
It’s what the doctor uses when he looks in a blonde’s ears.
"
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
"
7
Blonde Jokes
The blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out
the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She
takes the gun and puts it to her head.
"
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find
her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the
police and reported the crime. The police dispatcher
broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling
nearby, was the first to respond.
"
She’s so dumb that she went to a party dressed as a piñata.
"
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
One yells to the other, “How do I get to the other side?”
The other replies, “You are on the other side.”
8
Blonde Jokes
"
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at two in
the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment, and said, “How should I know, that’s
two hundred miles from here,” and hung up.
"
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she’s eighteen.
"
A blonde walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her
Christmas cards.
"
Worried father to blonde teenage daughter, “I don’t like
your new boyfriend. He’s rough and crude.”
9
Blonde Jokes
"
A man entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets
full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde. The blonde
kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf
balls.”
"
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to
drink. It is the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
"
Last week my blonde wife was going out shopping so I
asked her to pick up some deodorant for me. When she got
to the counter, the clerk asked her if she wanted the ball
type. She said, “No, he wants it for under his arms.”
"
A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to
rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was
turn-signal fluid.”
"
What do a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
10
Blonde Jokes
"
Do you know how to measure the IQ of a dumb blonde?
"
A blonde calls the customer support number for her office
fax machine.
"
Zookeeper, “Lady, run for your life. The lion has escaped
from the zoo.”
Blonde, “Well, I have nothing to worry about.”
Zookeeper, “Why not?”
Blonde, “It’s a man-eating lion, isn’t it?”
"
What do smart blondes and UFO’s have in common?
You always hear about them, but never see them.
"
11
Blonde Jokes
"
What’s the difference between a prostitute, a
nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
The prostitute says, “Are you done yet?”
The nymphomaniac says, “Are you done already?”
The blonde says, “Beige, I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”
"
I know of a dumb blonde that tried to make Kool Aid, but
wasn’t sure how to get all of that water into such a little
package.
"
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
"
A blonde was walking down the street and had a glove on
one hand and not on other. Her friend asked her why she had
only one glove on.
"
12
Blonde Jokes
"
What do blondes do for foreplay?
Remove their underwear.
"
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s
doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy
on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes when a blonde in the fourth row stands on her chair
and begins shouting.
The blonde yells, “You stay out of this. I’m talking to that
little shit on your knee.”
"
Elvis will always be remembered as he stands among the
throng of Californian blondes and again makes true, the old
adage that, “In the kingdom of the blonde, the one dyed man
is king.”
13
Blonde Jokes
"
We were in the office discussing technology issues and I
asked a blonde tech, “If you are in a vacuum and someone
calls your name, can you hear it?”
"
Salesperson to blonde, “Madam, do you want it scented or
unscented?”
Blonde, “I’ll uh, take it with me.”
"
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking. One blonde says to the other, “Which do you think
is farther, Florida or the Moon?”
The other blonde turns and says, “Helloo, can you see
Florida?”
"
Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a
drive-in movie?
They went to see, “Closed for the winter.”
"
Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
She heard that one out of every four children born in the
world was Chinese.
"
14
Blonde Jokes
“Yes, anything”
"
A blonde is tired of being ridiculed by her friends and
decides to learn to play an instrument. She points and tells
the music store clerk, “Give me that red trumpet over there
and that accordion.”
The clerk says, “I guess you can have the fire extinguisher,
but we have to keep the radiator.”
"
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was
a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the
escalator for five hours.
15
Blonde Jokes
"
A college professor in an art class asked his students to
sketch a picture of a naked man.
"
After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own
in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently
strolled over to the table where she was sat and said, “What
can I get you, gorgeous?”
The woman, blushed and replied, “If you are sure you don’t
mind, I’ll have a large stiff one, please.”
"
And then there was a blonde woman parked on the shoulder
of the road. A policeman was giving her a speeding ticket.
“But officer,” she said, “How could I possibly be going
eighty miles an hour? I’ve only been driving fifteen
minutes.”
"
16
Blonde Jokes
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left
eye while covering the right eye.
"
There are ninety nine blondes on a plane and one brunette.
The captain gets on the speaker and says that they are going
down, and they need to drop all the luggage.
They are still going down so they drop out all the chairs.
They are still going down so the crew drops the floor, and
all the passengers are hanging by their hands from the top on
the plane with no floor.
The captain gets on the speaker and says, “One person must
jump in order to save the rest.”
"
17
Blonde Jokes
"
Why do blondes go to R-rated movies in groups of 18?
Because they heard that under 17 are not admitted.
"
A blonde walks into work, and both of her ears are all
bandaged up. The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
She says, “Yesterday I was ironing a skirt when the phone
rang and SSSSS. . . I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “That explains one ear, but what happened to
your other ear?”
She says, “I had to call the doctor.”
"
The blonde had a big problem. Her friend installed a
screensaver on her computer, but every time she moved the
mouse, it disappeared.
"
A newlywed couple was on their honeymoon in the
Bahamas. One day while sunbathing, the husband’s thingy
became sunburned. In pain, he went back to their room to
seek some relief. He opened up the refrigerator and found a
bottle of milk. He poured a glass and soaked his irritated
thingy within. As he was standing there, his blonde wife
walked in, looked at him, and said, “So that’s how it’s done.
I always wondered how you guys filled that thing up.”
"
18
Blonde Jokes
Blonde Stories
19
Blonde Jokes
DROPPING A LOAD
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps
out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The
trucker lowers the window and she says, “Hi, my name is Heather
and I noticed that you are losing some of your load.”
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up
again. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks
on the door.
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues
down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of
breath the blonde gets out of her car, runs up to his truck, and
knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, “Hi, my name is
Heather and I noticed that you are losing some of your load.”
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the
next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the
truck and runs back to the blonde.
20
Blonde Jokes
ANOTHER BREATHALYZER
The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he
said, “Lady, you have had a couple of stiff ones.”
21
Blonde Jokes
X-RAY GLASSES
A blonde guy goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair
of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, but isn’t fully
convinced they are worth fifty dollars.
The salesman assures him that they work and that fifty
dollars is a great price, so he buys them.
He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts
them back on, and they are still naked.
22
Blonde Jokes
FLYING BLONDE
The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if
the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods,
the blonde was walking out.
23
Blonde Jokes
BLONDE EASTER
24
Blonde Jokes
25
Blonde Jokes
TGIF
26
Blonde Jokes
JAMAICA
The blonde she says, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good
job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her
to move.
The co-pilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane
wasn’t going to Jamaica.”
27
Blonde Jokes
BUS TRIP
The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the
blonde team rides on the top level.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes
frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and
clutching the seats in front of them. They all have white
knuckles.
One of the blondes looks up and says to her, “Yeah, but you
have a driver.”
28
Blonde Jokes
BLOND JOCKEY
She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she
slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops
along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
29
Blonde Jokes
BLONDES
What did the blonde say when she opened the box of
Cheerios?
Look daddy, doughnut seeds.
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.
30
Blonde Jokes
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of
the YMCA?
“Look. They spelled MACY’S wrong.”
31
Blonde Jokes
I HATE LUNCH
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and
cabbage, if I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for
lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”
The blonde opened her lunch and said, “Bologna again, if I get a
bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.”
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef
and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his
lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped too. The blonde opened her
lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to her death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I’d
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I
never would have given it to him again.”
The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him
tacos or enchiladas. I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”
“Hey, don’t look at me,” he said. “She makes her own lunch.”
32
Blonde Jokes
VOICE ACTIVATED
“Willie,” he said.
The blond drove away happy, and for the next few days,
every time she would say, “Beethoven,” she would hear the
most beautiful classical music.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her
new car, but she swerved just in time to avoid him.
33
Blonde Jokes
CRAPS
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier
when I’m completely nude.”
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice,
and yelled, “Mama needs some new clothes!”
Moral: ot all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
34
Blonde Jokes
DENTS
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to the repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde and decided to
have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into
the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.
The blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees,
and started blowing into the car’s tail pipe. Nothing
happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing
happened.
Her blonde roommate came home and said, “What are you
doing?”
The blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to
blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, “Helloo. I’m
sure you need to roll up the windows first.”
35
Blonde Jokes
BLONDE DETECTIVES
The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast
because he only has one eye.”
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair, and says, “He
would be too easy to catch because he only has one ear.”
36
Blonde Jokes
37
Blonde Jokes
BLONDE BURIAL
Two blonde sisters had promised their uncle, who had been
a seafaring gentleman, all his life, to bury him at sea when
he died.
In due time he passed away and the two blondes kept their
promise. They set off from Miami Beach with their uncle all
packed up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, “Do you think we’re out far
enough, Barbie?”
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee
deep said, “Nope, not yet Bubbles.”
Again Bubbles asks Barbie, “Do you think were out far
enough now?”
So on they row and row and row. Finally Barbie slips over
the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor
Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie
breaks the surface gasping for breath.
38
Blonde Jokes
FLOWERS
Blonde and brunette friends are walking down the street and
pass a flower shop, where the Brunette happens to see her
boyfriend buying flowers.
39
Blonde Jokes
ALLIGATOR SHOES
The blonde was determined as she turned and headed for the
swamps to catch her own alligator.
She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of
effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were
several more of the dead creatures.
40
Blonde Jokes
BUS 54
The officer says, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number
54 bus. It will take you there.”
Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same
area, and the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer gets out of his car and says, “Excuse me, but to
get to the Parliament House, I said to wait here for the
number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still
waiting?”
41
Blonde Jokes
HARDWARE
When Billie Bob was finished, Mary Sue asked how much
for the teapot.
Mary Sue replied, “No, but I will for the tea pot.”
42
Blonde Jokes
BLONDE
She spent twenty minutes looking at the orange juice box because
it said ‘concentrate’.
If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you would get change
back.
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
When she heard that ninety percent of all crimes occur around
the home, she moved.
43
Blonde Jokes
SILVER THERMOS
She bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss, who is also blonde, saw it on her desk and asked,
“What’s that?”
44
Blonde Jokes
RESCUE
One day a man, who has been stranded on a desert island for over
ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. “It’s certainly
not a ship,” he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and
closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then
even a raft.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Wow, that’s
wonderful.”
And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of good
whiskey?” she asks him.
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and
hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, “Wow, that’s
absolutely fantastic.”
At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs
down the entire front of her wet suit. She looks at the man
seductively and asks, “And how long has it been since you have
played around?”
With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, “Oh
my, don’t tell me you have golf clubs in there too.”
45
Blonde Jokes
46
He who laughs. . . lasts!
shubsbooks.com