Thursday, June 30, 2011

Are You a Mean Teacher?

Are you a Mean Teacher? By Laura M Staunton, New Jersey and Barb Erickson, Michigan A MEAN teacher insists that each student do the best s/he is capable of doing. A MEAN teacher insists that students hand in their assignments on time and takes off points for late assignments. A MEAN teacher does not accept incomplete assignments. A MEAN teacher requires each student to think carefully and to make her/his own decisions. A MEAN teacher holds each student responsible for her/his own behavior. A MEAN teacher makes students keep the classroom, themselves, and their belongings neat and clean. A MEAN teacher does not allow free time in class until all class-work is done. A MEAN teacher gives homework regularly, sometimes even on weekends. A MEAN teacher calls on students who don't raise their hands to answer questions. A MEAN teacher requires all students to treat each other with respect. A MEAN teacher makes life miserable for students by insisting that they always tell the truth. A MEAN teacher produces students who are respectful, responsible, and successful. THE WORLD NEEDS MORE MEAN* TEACHERS! *(MEAN = Making Excellence A Necessity)

A Real Teacher
Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and (at the end of the six weeks) have been seen grading in church. Real teachers cheer when they hear April 1 does not fall on a school day. Real teachers clutch a pencil while thinking and make notes in the margins of books. Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line. Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair. Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning their backs on the class. Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of kidneys and bladders. Real teachers have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that. Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will show up at Open House. Read teachers volunteer for hall duty on days faculty meetings are scheduled. Real teachers never teach the conjugations of lie and lay to eighth graders. Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than ask permission. Real teachers know the best end of semester lesson plans can come from Blockbuster. Real teachers never take grades after Wednesday of the last week of the six weeks. Real teachers never assign research papers on the last six weeks or essays on final exams. Real teachers know the shortest distance and the length of travel time from their classroom to the office. Read teachers can "sense" gum. Real teachers know the difference among what must be graded, what ought to be graded, and what probably should never again see the light of day. Real teachers are solely responsible for the destruction of the rain forest. Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot. Real teachers have never heard an original excuse. Real teachers will eat anything that is put in the workroom/teacher's lounge. Real teachers have the assistant principals' and counselors' home phone numbers.

Real teachers know secretaries and custodians run the school. Real teachers know the rules don't really apply to them. Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely non-expendable.

ENGLISH.
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England . We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language In which your house can burn up as it burns down, In which you fill in a form by filling it out, And in which an alarm goes off by going on. And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop? And if people from Poland are called Poles Then people from Holland should be Holes And the Germans, Germs. And lets not forget the Americans, who changed s to z, but that's another story.

ENGLISH.
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim! Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England . We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English

Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language In which your house can burn up as it burns down, In which you fill in a form by filling it out, And in which an alarm goes off by going on. And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop? And if people from Poland are called Poles Then people from Holland should be Holes And the Germans, Germs. And lets not forget the Americans, who changed s to z, but that's another story.

Guy Deutscher
The teacher claimed it was so plain, I only had to use my brain. She said the past of throw was threw, The past of grow of course was grew, So flew must be the past of fly, And now, my boy, your turn to try. But when I trew, I had no clue, If mow was mew Like know and knew. (Or is it knowed Like snow and snowed?) The teacher frowned at me and said The past of feed was plainly fed. Fed up, I knew then what I ned: I took a break, and out I snoke, She shook and quook (or quaked? or quoke?)

With raging anger out she broke: Your ignorance you want to hide? Tell me the past form of collide! But how on earth should I decide If its collid (Like hide and hid), Or else from all that I surmose, The past of rise was simply rose, And that of ride was surely rode, So of collide must be collode? Oh damn these English verbs, I thought The whole thing absolutely stought! Of English I have had enough, These verbs of yours are far too tough.

Bolt upright in my chair I sat, And said to her thats that I quat.

Posted by malar_raj at 1:26 PM

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