Lydia Sheldon 15 March 2013 EDUC 515 Penn Mentor: Sandi Richards Fieldwork Notebook Entry 7 Reflections on an Emotionally

Charged Class I opened class with a quickwrite, asking students to describe a moment of irony. I didnt realize I was about to enact an example of irony in my own teaching practice. Earlier in the morning, wed had our three-way field review, where Id expressed my goal to keep a positive attitude with my students, no matter how I felt my lesson was going. Its important to note that this day, my class schedule had been switched, so that students I usually see in the beginning of the day I now was teaching in the afternoon. My first class (8A) seemed resistant to my plan for a whole-class reading aloud of Anne Frank, but I persisted. I had in mind my goal of being upbeat, and I kept encouraging students who were participating, and avoiding an aggressive confrontation with those who werent. My goal was to keep the reading going, and to keep a good attitude with the class. I think I met my goals, despite my inward sigh of relief as the students filed out. Then 8B happened. It was the worst class period Ive experienced as a student teacher. The atmosphere and fallout seem so monumental in my psyche, that even as I reflect, I keep reminding myself that it involved only a few students, and not the entire class. (Although, perhaps Id be more precise to say that my confrontations were with only a few students. I believe the entire class was involvedas witnesses and even participants). As we read around the room, the dramatic reading seemed to be working for most of the class, but a few students were determined to resist. Samir and Connor made fun of Michael, a student with a severe learning disability. Aminah laughed loudly at the Chinese-American students accents. At first I tried to ignore what was happening, but it kept getting louder and more disruptive. I tried to keep a friendly atmosphere: I playfully asked Connor to stop reading in a monotone, I made eye contact and nodded encouragingly at Wenlong and Baowei as they read over the sounds of Aminah and Makeisha making fun of them. The class seemed to be disintegrating, and I began to feel that it was out of my control. After a series of escalating interventions on my part, I sent Samir and Aminah to the principal. Dr. Marshall walked in as Makeisha was loudly criticizing my decision, and sent Makeisha to the principals office, as well. The tension in the room was high. I felt like giving up for the day. Wow, I admire your patience and resolve to keep pushing forward through all this not-so-nuanced bad, yet typical, adolescent behavior. Did you ever consider stopping the reading completely and addressing in a general way the disrespectful actions of a handful of students? Your decisions to at first ignore, then to keep things light, then to use silent cues to encourage the ChineseAmerican readers all reflect your desire to be inclusive, tolerant, and as productive as possible given the distractions of the few perpetrators. What do you think was gained and lost by valiantly proceeding through the tension? Instead, the rest of the students finished the reading successfully, subdued. I had planned to ask them each to write a discussion question based on our reading, but I changed my mind in the moment and asked them to write a reaction to our class period. I realized that this could be a very bad idea, or a good one. I wasnt sure how they would respond. I knew that some of them would write what I thought they wanted to hear. It was clear from my tone and demeanor that I

was upset, exactly what I had resolved not to do in my meeting earlier in the day. Talk about a lesson in irony. As I read the students responses, I found some that seemed tailored to their perceptions of my expectations. The majority, however, were revealing to me about what had gone wrong in our class. My deepest impression was that many students each expressed personal responses that seemed to come from a history of these types of class periods. I dont know if any of their teachers has asked them to write a personal response to one of these outbursts, which they described as typical. Notably, several students complained that their homeroom class has a bad reputation because of a few disruptive students in particular, and that they resent being associated with that behavior. Katrina wrote, Why would she be laughing about the way people read? If its funny then laugh, but why would you laugh so loud and acting obnoxious? Celine said, I dont like how these certain people interrupt as we read the play. The constant laughter and pauses annoys me and the others who are trying to focus in class. Frankie described what had happened as normal. The only difference was that we were in literacy. This behavior during literacy was a little quiet then in science. Its crazy during science like people slap each other. Well only one group does. During literacy no one was screaming that much. So today was pretty much normal for 8B. These reflections afforded me valuable insight into what had happened in class. They also gave me information about my students, and about the community of our class even as it occurs outside of our room and period. They helped me see the bigger picture, as painted by individual students. They allowed me to gauge individual students attitudes towards and desires for their own learning environment. Of course, I wanted that information. I knew I wouldnt get it from them verbally, and I used my authority as their teacher to draw out their opinions. But what about the value of the exercise for them? I dont think my students are accustomed to expressing their opinions about the classroom environment to their teachers, maybe not even to themselves. They seemed united in their feeling that these outbursts were typical. Some of them observed the teacher was angry. (Oh, no! Failure of my goal confirmed!) But do they privately articulate more? Does this kind of reflective exercise empower them as learners at all? Do they learn more about themselves as learners by jotting down a quick reaction to an emotionally charged class period? In their written reflections, a few students seemed to be expressing genuine emotions that they wouldnt have an outlet for otherwise. Inviting the students to reflect on the classroom environment implicitly requires that they identify and express the ways they learn best. Their criticisms of classmates behavior reveal so much about the range of cultural backgrounds, academic aspirations, ethical values, learning styles, and attitude towards authority figures (in this case, you!). Whether this exercise empowers them as learners or simply offers them safe place to vent and self-express, I believe it was worth the risk you took. Holding up the mirror to themselves and their peers in this formal way might compel them to be more self-aware (and ideally more self-controlled, at least the biggest offenders of 8B) and, therefore, more in touch with themselves emotionally, intellectually, and socially. These reflections have made me curious about is how Aminah and Samir felt about the class period. This morning, Samir seemed to be shuffling his feet around the class door when I walked in. I decided to bring up what had happened Wednesday. I explained to him that his behavior had been disrespectful and disruptive. I made sure I affirmed him: I emphasized how much I value his contributions to class and that I think he had a knack for analytical thinking. He seemed receptive and agreeable, although he didnt volunteer much of his own thinking on the

matter. I wonder how Aminah would evaluate her own behavior. I wonder how they perceived me during that time? (Im not sure I want to hear the answer to that, though). Im developing my inquiry into my students metacognition, their perception of themselves as learners, and how I can facilitate that in a literacy classroom. Despite the sting of knowing I failed myself and my students in that moment, Im glad that Im now thinking about this type of metacognitive writing with respect to classroom environment. Not only is it valuable for me as I seek to understand my students and our classroom community, I think it could be a rich, learning exercise for them. I want them to understand themselves as participants in that community, not bystanders or victims. I want them to feel a sense of responsibility for themselves as they approach their learning. I think the first step to that is giving them a voice. Even and especially in moments when their teacher or classmates potentially could be silencing them. Yes, giving them a voice is extraordinarily important, especially in a literacy classroom where analyzing and honoring diverse voices are central to all reading and writing activities. It is hard to ask students to engage themselves in Anne Franks poignant and transformative story (or anyones story) if they feel personally detached, undervalued, or silenced in that classroom community. While your inquiry study of your students perception of themselves as learners unquestionably leads to complicated findings and messy moments, it also represents the best hope for a healthy, vibrant, democratic, and multi-cultural classroom. I suspect John Keats would call this kind of learning environment as one reflective of negative capability, and that is the kind I have always trusted most deeply!