You are on page 1of 19

Reconciliation

Stephanie Shi

Here is the table, the linen crisp, the body broken. The contents:

In the beginning was the Word. It was He and He was it. Beginning from His lips to her skin that veiled flesh that bound bone. There was light and she was light like Him clothed in white. In every step every whisper between laced fingers that cupped a candle her words drifted and carried her body this anchor that had placed her on earth and marked her mortal. The Word made flesh made words of her. How psalms echoed through the walls that blended with the dome that housed the host transfigured and broken and given to friends and taken.

He said: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. Ha comenzado a menstruar? Ha crecido el vello pbico? Puedo acariciar? Dnde vives? Yo solo te amar Me gustara empujar mi lengua en su boca Aqu est la llave de la casa vaca Puedo visitar? Esta noche.

She was favoured and He was with her, blessed as she was among women for her purity and obedience. Silence. She wished it as she stood her ground not knowing how to respond only waiting for instruction the simple words Fear not meaning Do.

They expect her to approach the man and speak to him. There is nothing to gather. The narrative gone. Aside. Her fingers run through beads as she waits her turn. The wooden chair occupied. One woman after another. They all turn their heads to him. Their voices rest on the curves of his ears. Chests rise and fall in the telling. Or the not. The pressure on the selves.

The woman now says too little or too much. Face glazed by water or hardened like stone. He absolves her with the sign of the cross. His hands steady though wrinkled and spotted. She rises. A sharp turn. Skirt brushes the floor, hits the foot of the chair. She begins to walk. Her body white then black then white again as she passes by windows. The glare seeping through her clothes revealing white undergarments on a body like the night.

White dress to feel immaculate like the Virgin whose images she kneels before falls from her slender frame like water. A pool around her feet. Black hair covering her flat chest, the rosy nipple supplanted by his mouth and then a body over hers over her and it presses and pushes her so that what was in motion is kept in motion before the cross on the wall. Her mouth agape without words to speak without voice. Signs of life include breaths, deep breaths swallowed by the pounding of flesh against flesh. How her fingers crumple the sheets and dig through the fibers, her thoughts dont stop telling her to stop this but this feels good to her body that thinks it thinks and knows on its own without having been taught how to touch and be touched and to smile upon being held.

O my JesusYou want me to go to confessionHere I amI did wrongI did not obey YouI am sorrybut now I will confess what I did wrongI am not afraid because You are the Good Shepherdand I am Your little lambYou love me still although I have sinned and went away from YouYou, my Good Shepherdare calling me to come back and so I come

Instead of repeating the phrases she traces letters and symbols on the page with her finger, the characters to mean thoughts how they are unseen and unheard because unspoken but they are there simplified but misunderstood. The proof on her fingertip brushing against the text as if to erase it, that her finger is on it assuming her dominance over the words to bend the words in her defense:

Let confessing be C doing wrong be W not obeying be ~O I am sorry be S I am not afraid because You are the Good Shepherd be ~A that you love me still be L. If W and ~O, then C; if S then C; if C then ~A; L, but W and ~O; therefore if W and ~O, then ~A.

O my JesusYou want me to go to confessionHere I amI did wrongI did not obey YouI am sorrybut now I will confess what I did wrongI am not afraid because You are the Good Shepherdand I am Your little lambYou love me still although I have sinned and went away from YouYou, my Good Shepherdare calling me to come back and so I come

Once my soul was very beautifulbut now I have stained it with my sinsIt must hurt You, dear Jesusto see my soul which You have loved so muchso ugly nowI can do nothing but come to YouPlease, dear Jesussay to me Go in peace, your sins are forgiven

Instead of repeating the phrases she traces letters and symbols on the page with her finger, the characters to mean thoughts how they are unseen and unheard because unspoken but they are there simplified but misunderstood. The proof on her fingertip brushing against the text as if to erase it, that her finger is on it assuming her dominance over the words to bend the words in her defense:

Let confessing be C doing wrong be W not obeying be ~O I am sorry be S I am not afraid because You are the Good Shepherd be ~A that you love me still be L. If W and ~O, then C; if S then C; if C then ~A; L, but W and ~O; therefore if W and ~O, then ~A.

Let my soul was very beautiful be B soul stained with my sins be S it must hurt You, dear Jesus be H that You loved me so much be L that my soul is so ugly now be U that I can do nothing but come be C that my sins are forgiven be F. She translates the text to B but S; if S then H; if H then L; if S then U; if L then C; if C then F; if F then ~U; if ~U then B; therefore: if S then L; if H then C; if S then C; if S then F; if S then ~U; if S then B.

10

She stands. Her knees tremble from the weight of the words yet unspoken but will be. Soon. Perhaps a scolding a hundred times over. Times the number of walls. She tries to follow the script. Rehearses her lines Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. My last confession wasMy sins since my last confession areShe puts her hands together as she was taught. By the chest. Together in the middle. As was taught. Sincerity found in delivery. Follow directions: Tremble beside the man. Look the part. Speak. Do not speak up. She will be forgiven. If. If and only if. Delivered.

She walks by the windows. Her steps light like patter of little rain. Light like little ripples surrendering to the wind. The color of dampness. Variations in shade imperceptible without light. That glare. Unnecessary to meet his eyes. They will know. His eyes. See-through fabric. Wrapping around her limbs as she walks. Body beheld and remembered. No stopping it. Scenes unfold again. And again the clothes trickle down her skin now dappled in sweat. Restraint and activity. In here. She admits loss.

Last confession forgotten, penance undone. Spaces not left empty. He knows the weight. This is not silence. She is not silent. She does not speak but stares and waits. No one notices her glassy eyes her parted lips. The air drying her lips. Now bleeding. The drowning within. Forced. Empty, she took in too much. Took to following the Divine. Or how to be. How they said it would be. She purses her lips bites the lower lip much swelling and bleeding from within. Her words from within. Her body her flesh. Forgive me she wants to say. Forgive.

11

She isnt divine pure and simple, the evidence the blood stain on him on her skin on the sheets. She locks herself away and denies it as she attempts to wash herself, the water cold on her skin and sharp against the wound insisting otherwise, making her wince and driving her body away from the water that swirls down the drain pulling in dirt but leaving hers alone with her, her body with blood and bleeding all this time.

12

comma

Write your full name. comma

comma

who piously array the altar and the

tabernacle

must never forget that I myself carry God within me by the period This divine presence makes not only of my soul a holy temple period I will not lose my

grace dwelling in my soul comma

but also of my body

comma

piety and sense of shame like cultured women have period comma world I am aware of my duty period

period

I will not be like them

I must repudiate exaggerations of fashion

which spring from the corruption of those who invent them and then of the period I am not ignorant and I never should be comma because

ignorance can explain the deplorable popularity of fashions so contrary to modesty comma period which should be the most beautiful adornment of the Christian woman I realize what I am doing comma comma so I dont go so far as to enter the church

indecently clad teachers perfect it period period

to appear before those who are the natural and authorized semicolon they

Conscience and grace do not destroy nature

They place in the soul a sense which renders it vigilant against the period This is especially a characteristic of the young period I must be like Vibia Perpetua

dangers threatening purity Christian girl semicolon period period

I embody it

my first thought and action should also always be to cover my body comma I must ask myself what Jesus Christ would comma cultured comma sporting

Before I put on a dress period

think of it comma period comma

I can be modern

full of grace without giving in to all the vulgarities of an unhealthy fashion I preserve a complexion that knows no artifice like the soul it reflects a countenance always reserved period period I must pray for the courageous

and active defense of my purity

The Pope recommends I be devoted to the comma to whom I am comma is

Blessed Eucharist and to the Immaculate Virgin Mary consecrated period My action comma

in service of the Church comma

battling against the dangers of immorality open to me comma colon

fighting in whatever field is comma period of health and sport My weapons will period

the field of fashion and dress

in the field of social relations and entertainment comma my example comma


13

be my word

my courtesy and behavior

In possessing her body she feels pangs of guilt mercilessly haunting her telling her to repent to mend in this way and that the tear she caused, the urgency and the quick condemnation the blame on sucking out the air from her lungs locking her in place but see how her hands twitch her nails lightly scraping the desk how she longs to move through the gaps in the rules no matter how narrow they are like spaces between words enough to make her breathe and aware of her breathing the struggle intended to understand why not the natural.
14

The Church does not intend to paint the sad picture comma of the exaggerations I perceive about myself comma

comma colon

only too familiar dresses which hardly

suffice to cover the person

or others which seem designed to emphasize sports which are performed with such

what they should rather conceal clothing comma

semicolon

such exhibitionism and in such company as to be irreconcilable semicolon dances comma

with even the least demanding standard of modesty films comma

illustrations from which the mad desire for entertainment and period The Church desires to bring to mind

pleasure derives the gravest dangers

once more the Christian principles which in these matters must enlighten my decisions comma the spirit guide my steps and conduct period comma and inspire and sustain my way of period The good of my soul

Virtue lies in the middle course

must take precedence over that of my body and to the good of my body I must prefer the good of the soul of my neighbor period I do not know the depths of human

frailty nor what blood drips from the wounds left by Adams sin in human nature comma with its ignorance in the intellect comma comma its malice in the will comma

its ardent desire of pleasure

and its weakness towards the perilous semicolon and this to such a degree that comma comma

attractions of the passions of the sense man open quotation

sees what is better and chooses what is worse comma like lead

close quotation

because of that weight which always period

drags him down to the depths

If some Christian women could only suspect

the temptations and falls they cause in others with modes of dress and familiarity in behavior Faster. which they unthinkingly consider as of no importance period comma

they would be shocked by the responsibility which is theirs

I am aware of

my responsibility now more than ever therefore I will not let myself slip from the perfection and transcendence for which I am service of spiritual ends period period I deliberately put myself at the

Write me three copies. Sign it.

15

At the service of spiritual ends. Spiritual ends. Serve spiritual ends. I at the service of spiritual ends. She signs tilde I tilde I tilde I

16

Do you reject Satan? And all his works? And all his empty promises? Do you believe in God, the Father Almighty, creator of heaven and earth? Do you believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, who was born of the Virgin Mary, was crucified, died and was buried, rose from the dead, and now seated at the right hand of the Father? Do you believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting? God, the allpowerful Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, has given us a new birth by water and the Holy Spirit, and forgiven all our sins. May He also keep us faithful to our Lord Jesus Christ forever and ever

17

She is told to say I do like the Virgin Mother. I do I do. Say I do says the booklet before her. How she kneels then stands then sits then bows as directed as he showers holy water as they sing hallelujah. What is it about that water that she must receive it. Blessed as it were, it surges and falls and flows like all others until it vanishes. Her words she keeps to herself no matter how she is like pus, the burst of the head the scatter of blood until there is no more but they forget she consists of water clear water holy water. The burden lifted if she would only follow well she is told hence it is still there, the stain, the quivering voice the trembling lips as tears resist their course.

18

Amen. The Virgin exclaimed My heart sings with thanks for the Lord. And my spirit is happy in God, the One who saves from the punishment of sin. The Lord has looked on me, His servant-girl and one who is not important. But from now on all people will honor me. He who is powerful has done great things for me.

19

You might also like