Are we having fun yet?

- Bill Griffith

April 8th, 2013

Volume One, Issue Two

Bathtub

Linocut print

Dena Winter

d/dx
I wish math worked on people But it really doesnt. There are no equations To tell you when your friends are mad at you, No functions that predict Which college is best for you. You cant factor your identity into prime components Or take your own derivative To figure out when your life will get better. And everyone hates story problems Because they arent stories So much as they are emotionless proclamations of reality With punchlines neither happy nor sad, Just infinitely and grimly logical. But it is so easy for me To slip into a quiet world of numbers and curves Fill a blank page With countless algebraic utterances That dance and balance like granite acrobats Majestically traversing highwires of taut rationality. And when I am interrupted By the messy tangibles of the real world, I resist my exit from this vortex of logic And ask myself long, useless questions, like In a group of four people, what is the probability

Noah DeTal
that two people will fall in love given that the other two already have? Are occurrences of reciprocated feelings Statistically independent of each other? Is romance so difficult Because the moment-generating function of love at first sight Has a non-elementary antiderivative? The more effort I spend trying to answer these impossible questions, The more I understand That no matter how many integrals I solve Or how many denominators I rationalize, My life And everyone elses Will remain a mystery Untamed by any familiar formula. And though it breaks my heart To realize that none of my abilities to logically reason Will ever help me uncover any eternal truths, I feel at peace When I remember that My life And everyone elses Will continue Even if there is no one to quantify it.

Poems About Strangers

Angular
She has an arched face, Beautiful in an angular sort of way. as if guarding against some unspoken fragility. One day I asked her: Whats the reading for our class? She told me. We havent spoken since.

Bob Jayes

How An Unlikely Fear Helps Drug Some Consumed By Children

George, 22, lives in a goddamn box But the Ketamine helps Him write the screenplay that he dreamt: 2polar and a movie about redemption. 1 or 2 puffs every 3 days Today and on Tuesday the family eats Dinner together. More Ketamine please. Im going to become some kind of addict. A fight at school and hanging from a scarf 3rd line, all to himself, he gets in mind Whats Ketamine is Ketayours

Bert Connelly

I Wonder About God

I saw a man walking down a street squeezed between a church and a building that read AT&T. In his left hand he held a child, no more than two feet high. In his right, a toy, plastic assault weaponry longer than the child was tall. They walked in shadow. Sometimes I wonder if God laughs when I do.

Based on the story published by NPR on March 25, 2013 How an Unlikely Drug Helps Some Children Consumed by Fear

Canal Street in March

There is something Ironic about a plastic rosary. (sonic, chronic, vodka tonic) About the plastic surgery: Is it going to hurt? the physicality. Nothing looks real anymore. a string, Essentially --- of plastic pastel prayer that has promised to save you. Silly little beads and at the end --- dead man leaves you hanging. Canal Street in March, Southern cut cigarettes, and not enough shirts in your starch. Little skeletor, Dementor. Aint seen your face here before. Bella Principessa Just wasnt smacked enough as a kid; Never learned, never was much of a listener. Too busy to follow rules, too busy spinning like a top. Valium, Dexedrine. --- What is the Function of the endoplasmic reticulum? Lets see those knockers girl Gold and violent, necklaces come flying and the animals are in heat. Flash, sling, swish. Ripping strands of dental floss. Chris, he died for your sins! And the girl draped in her pretty drunken gloss, She grins.

Caroline Paxton

Missed Connections
beloit corner store
u was lookn sexy n does red pjs love to see u again dont know what i was thinking!!

This series of poems was taken from posts made on the Janesville Craigslist, under missed connections. They have been reworked into a poetic form.

Mark Conway

guy who looks like Ezra Miller

I forgot where i saw you but you were sooooo hottt

Walgreens office supplies aisle

I liked your sweat pants. We chatted briefly about how these chain drug stores can just suck you in. You were cute. Coffee?

you looked just like Ezra Miller. Sooo if youre reading this and you also happen to look like Ezra Miller, plz respond, thnx :)

untitled
unconsciously awake it would make no sense to break my dream away from you and tear my thoughts in two creating memories in my bed replaying it once more in my head before it drifts away i can nearly see the day we meet again by dream.

Sally Klein

Flight/Flight
Two weeks after what should have been the first two weeks of spring geese are flying south again. Turning back, upon the realization of their wristwatches running fast. Honking like an air-raid siren a warning against the quiet grey of too-late snow.

Hugo Alvarez

[Its 2012 in Manhattan, the island of cell phones and no clocks. Of dead Blackberry batteries, New Museums, old moneytrust funds, angel dust funds, acid rains, and dead brains. Ritalin kids are generic adults living on vampire schedules.] - Cat Marnell

Manly Bs for When the Three Bs of Bro-dom Arent Enough

Bitchez Brewz Buddhaz Booze Bud Bowlz Beer Babes Butts Bic lighterz Britchez Balto Butch Cassidy Billie Holiday Bing Crosby Blastoise Blown Glass Boots Brinner Boners Bonin Blazing Boogie Nights Belonging Broncos Bob Dylan Bob Marley Buttfuckin Baaangin Boobies Borneo Batman Ba Sing Se Bunkers Bill Murray Broz Beef Biggie Brace Born again Christians Breakdancing Bud light Being Big Bangladesh Bandits Belagio Brutality Blackeyes Blood

Chris Bunkers and Toby Walters

Bruises Banshees Binkies Blossom Booty Bacarat Bill Cosby Bob Saget Bill Nye Bears Boston Bulls Beats Beets Battlestar Galactica Brawls Baseball Basketball Bear Grylls Bart Simpson Baba OReily Bay Watch Bill Maher Boom! Biddies

Leo Brochu

Little Heart

M. Thomas

I caught myself wishing to die today. It was such an unexpected thought and once it passed through my head I stopped to reflect. Why had it so suddenly come to me? I wasnt upset enough to harm myself. When it happened I was walking along a city block. I stepped off the sidewalk onto a sheet of ice covering the street when it came to me: I wish Id had fallen through into a river. I began to think then, even I had fallen through I would have kicked furiously to save my life. A great fear would have overtaken me, I could not bear the pain of drowning. As soon as I were in the water I would panic and claw at the ice grasping for a hand forgiving my thought. I was certain of this. My heart grew spiteful, for I believe it was from my heart that this malignant notion formed. So I asked little heart, why did you wish this for us? How can this be a desire? He beat still, quiet like a criminal. Conscience of every strand he knows my being more than I. He knows what I fear to think. Today he spoke it to me plainly. He said to me that I wanted nothing because I had nothing. I said to him boldly, little heart you know nothing but the progressive beat of existence. You are a tool to my life. You are a meaningful thing in a meaningless strand of being. I use you to live to excess and to experience what you cannot sense or grasp. You are a conception within an organ. I give you too much, too much to receive a tumbled life. But I am a thing, I step into the world with breath on my tongue. I live to know and to understand, what is around me is all that I am and I will to live and strive to find truth. I seek truth because I have the possibility of finding and planting it. You little heart are so spiteful, for you know that I live to thwart you. I seek that which proves you wrong. That truth which you pervert into idealization. The way you twist my thoughts into mindless chords of sentiment is a corruption of my interests. Youre a romantic, Im a dreamer. Tell me little heart what do you know? You have no love. He peeped to me in a single beat. You have me little heart, you have me. I feel and know youre beating when I am in such a fit.

Cosmos

Hugo Alvarez

The 6 Best Worst Face Tattoos

Zoe Gahan and Jackson Morrison

C+: of all things to immortalize on your body, Larry the Cable Guy should not come to mind. Although I am willing to let him slide through with a passing grade for authenticity because I get the sense that this man genuinely thinks that Larry the Cable Guy is funny.

D: He obviously got it backwards, now whenever he looks in the mirror to remind himself of what an asshole he is all hell see is uoy kcuf.

B+: brilliant, really more like 89.99%. This man must truly feel blessed to be an American and is doing his utmost to exercise the freedom he holds so dear. Also, no one will ever mistake him for a Canadian again. The only thing keeping this tattoo from an A rating is the awkward orientation of the flag and Im only counting 16 stars, its not 1796 anymore. A+: This is a mushroom trip gone SO right and deserves to be remembered. The interplay between the penis-butterfly and the penis-snails is a gorgeous and compelling narrative. It saddens me that this image will pass out of this world when her body does and is not frescoed onto the wall of a church.

A: All-around good job. I like self-awareness, I like the sentiment, I like to this of the way it must glisten when hes finished eating saidpussy. Notice the tasteful use of teardrops. A+: A++ if the focus groups come back and determine that the ladies do, in fact, love it. This takes the Pussy Eater Tattoo to the next level, saying not just that he engages in the act of cunnilingus but also that he is good at it. Bravo.

Things to Do in Beloit

Jonah Isenstein

Prego Porno: A Review Aleks Pavlovic

I would be lying if I said that I wasnt looking forward to the day that I could eat for two and have milk dribbling out of my nipples, ready and able to rid my own creation of hunger. For this porn review, I went on a search to find a porno that seemed at least partially sophisticated, one could say, in hopes that the latent maternal side of me would be roused up from a deep slumber. It was difficult to find videos that fall into this partially sophisticated category while searching through titles such as Pregnant Cynthia Sprays the Camera and Pregnant Gang Bang Im 9 monat schwanger, but I decided to settle on Pregnant French Girl Treated by her Man. It seemed classy enough, and I had my hopes riding on this French woman to really deliver. And she did. The video doesnt necessarily validate her being French, unless the scrunchie pulling her hair back convinces you that shes reminiscent of a grown-up and brunette sort of Madeline. Honestly, though, due to the rest of the work she puts into this scene, the scrunchie is more than sufficient. She commits time to caressing her lovers testicles and gives his shaft an abundance of oral attention. Her moans come through as genuine and her swollen, dangling bosom adds to the playful relationship she portrays with her partner. I was charmed by the way she would suck her lovers finger while flicking around her tongue and tilting her head back. The couple constantly glanced at one another with admiration, and convinced me that they were into each other. Even if they werent erotically enthused, I could envision them having a killer off-camera relationship. Sadly, I cant give this porno a perfect review. Elevator music is introduced at one point, and awkwardly cut off at another. Her moans provide sufficient audio in my opinion. The more critical problem, which you may have already been aware of: the man involved is attractive and pleasures her right, but physically doesnt do much in the scene. He fingers her for a minute or two and thrusts from behind, but that wasnt enough for me. I didnt like that she does most of the work in terms of moaning and serving as entertainment for the camera. The couple also remains in the same position for most of the video, which is fine, butvariety is always encouraged. Therefore, I give this video a wetness factor of 3.5. It might not stimulate the average porn-viewer to a profound degree, but its a gem worth visiting and revisiting if a romantic and low-budget pregnant penetration is your thing. Source: Pornhub

I think the thing that people at Beloit College complain about most often is havingnothing to do. Were all guilty of it. They tell you when youre admitted, Oh, Beloit College is very close to large cities like Madison and Chicago, and then you wake up six months later and realize you havent set foot off campus except to go to Walgreens and pick up your birth control. Im not telling you to stop going to Walgreens, or to stop picking up your birth control. What Im trying to tell you is that you need to go to Walgreens way more often, and that there is also a CVS like six blocks away in case you like that better. The best thing about Walgreens is the low prices and the fact that if you get a Walgreens Balance Rewards Card you can get mixed nuts for like one dollar cheaper, and also extra butter microwave popcorn. Anyway, what I really want to say is that there are a ton of fun things to do right here on campus and at the two pharmacies: 1. The tried and true cash withdrawal: Do you really hate yourself? Like as much as you say you do? Prove it, with the old tried and true cash withdrawal-deposit. Open up a bank account at Blackhawk bank and deposit one hundred dollars. Go to the ATM in Pearsons. Withdraw all the money and pay the ATM fee. Re-deposit it at the bank. Repeat. How much fun are we having? 2. The old Six at Six: Take a nap for six hours starting at six pm. Wake up lonely and red-eyed. This one is sure to estrange you from your roommate (as if you werent already estranged from your roommate) and keep you up all night, which will add to feelings of confusion, loneliness, and will put some good color in those eyes. 3. Get addicted to vitamin supplements: This sounds boring, but its cool to watch your pee turn yellow and kidney stones are a welcome mid-semester excuse to skip class. 4. Take a three hour-long shower: Its good for your skin! And as long as youre stuck here you might as well run up the water bill! 5. Get creative! Listen to Ill Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab for Cutie next time you use the bathroom. Go from there. If you havent pretty much booked all of your weekends for the next couple of months by the time you finish reading this article, youre pretty much a fucked up boring sadsack.

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Matts Movies: The Last Temptation of Christ

1988 Directed by: Martin Scorsese Running Time: 163 minutes When The Last Temptation of Christ first came out, it caused a great controversy because some Christian fundamentalists found the film morally offensive and anti-religious. I assure you that this movie is neither of those things, and that it is in fact a masterpiece. The movie opens with Jesus (Willem Dafoe) before he begins his ministry suffering from a great psychological stress that stems from his own human desires conflicting with his knowledge that God has a plan for him. He does not know that he is the Messiah yet, and so is incredibly confused and lost. He begins to hate himself and God, and because of this he works for the Romans by helping them crucify Jewish revolutionaries. This depiction of Jesus, despite what those Christian fundamentalists might say, is the most honest depiction of the man that I have ever seen. Willem Dafoe gives one of the best and respectful performances of his career and beautifully shows that Jesus is humankinds savior, but he is still completely and utterly human. Of course this Jesus is alone and lost and self-loathing, how could you not be? He is fighting an internal battle between the flesh and the spirit that no one understands. This battle is one that religious people have been fighting forever. Thats why this movie is so important; its not just about Jesus, its about everyone who has ever suffered a crisis of faith, and how one man dealt with that crisis. He finally becomes sure of his messianic duties, and begins his ministry, teaching people of the Kingdom of Heaven, and the nature of God. This is the section that pulls heavily from the New Testament gospels, with all the famous stories of Jesus, his exorcisms, his parables, and his miracles. His struggle subsides during this time because of the certainty he feels in his actions. But, as usual, the conflict comes back, and stronger than ever. Despite knowing his mission, and being sure of what is right and wrong, he is still of the flesh, and subject to all the temptations that that entails. He knows he is to be crucified and why that is so, but God thrust him into this position; he never asked for it or wanted it, he wanted to live a human life. Regardless, he is still crucified and

Matt Siebert

it is not until he is on the cross that he finally overcomes temptation, accepting the spirit, and denying the flesh, and is able to die happy and satisfied, crying out, It is accomplished! As a doubtful Christian, this is the most moving ending to a film I have ever seen. Scorsese is a genius and so are his films. This movie is no exception; he has crafted a powerful and moving work that will not be forgotten by those who have seen it, with beautiful camera work, convincing performances, and a killer soundtrack by the one and only Peter Gabriel. To someone not as interested in Christianity and Jesus, this movie may not have the same impact as it did on me, but it is still a masterful film that will make you think about your faith and your life in a new light. 5/5 R.I.P. Roger Ebert

Overheard at Beloit
Its called alcohol. Consent doesnt become an issue.
-Male student

Students

Twerking is my only exercise but, like, its such good cardio.

-Female student

Imma eat this pizza and get some STI testing.

-Male student

Im culturally catholic.
-Female student

Do you have goat cheese?

-Student to DKs worker

If you come back to Theta you can dance naked on the porch all you want!
-One Theta to another

Im so against sexual assault, its unbelievable!

-Male student

You dont want to just keep watching the same porn, yknow?
-Female student

Paula Khim