Professional Documents
Culture Documents
After the last floral tribute has wilted and well-meaning out-of- town
relatives and friends depart, you will wake up to the first day of the rest of
your life. Your bed will seem more massive than ever…because your mate
will never be beside you again. The home you happily shared will be eerily
quiet, missing are the comforting sounds of a coffee maker perking in the
kitchen. The jolly, effervescent morning announcer on your alarm radio
seems to be terribly out of character. As you adjust your eyes and mind to
the new dawn’s light, it will slowly become apparent that you are now a
single. And with this realization, rolls in an uncomfortable feeling of being
very LOST! “Lost,” the first word of this book's title.
You are now (and it is certainly not voluntary) on your own to cope with the
future without the love and companionship of your loving mate. Your com-
fortable social order has all but vanished, and forthcoming days will be very
strange and empty. You will be searching for answers to rebuild your life,
pragmatic answers to the simple tasks you often took for granted as a couple.
FOUND, how others have coped, is the most important mission of this book.
This book is not intended to be another tome on grieving. Our libraries and
bookstores are filled with well-written works on this sensitive subject. How-
ever, few works have ever been published containing practical methods to
help guide new widows and widowers through new life altering
challenges…moving, finances, dating, role of adult children, changing sexu-
ality, living together and remarriage.
- iii -
Table of Contents
1. Getting Started 1
2. Self Assessment 5
3. Work in Progress 11
4. Your Financial World 14
5. Single's Universe 27
6. Internet Dating 35
7. Secret Orders for Widowers 41
8. First Dates 49
9. To Win a Widower 52
10. Attitudes of Adult Children 58
11. Your Health 64
12. To Move or Not to Move 69
13. Closet of Memories 76
14. Living Together 80
15. Spirituality 84
16. Looking Ahead 87
- iv -
Chapter 2
Self Assessment
"It was not raining when Noah built the ark."
- Howard Ruff
-5-
bearings, don’t fret. You have lots of company. Practically
everyone losing a mate initially struggles to adjust to what seems
to be a haphazard, useless existence.
Empty days seem to endlessly blend into more empty days, and the
difficulties of adjustment span a wide range of human emotions.
Frank (a reader of my first book Lost & Found, A Survival Guide
for Widowers) wrote to me indicating that the most difficult thing
for him was coming to grips with the finality of his wife's death.
In his words:
-6-
Chapter 10
Attitudes of Adult Children
Vulnerability
- 58 -
You, as protective parents, always felt your children were
vulnerable until adulthood and even beyond; fearing they might
become easy prey to forces beyond your control. These uneasy
moments of yesteryear are now being played in real-time in your
children's minds. This brings us to the centerpiece of this chapter.
- 59 -
Chapter 12
TO MOVE OR NOT TO MOVE
"Go and never darken my towels again."
- Groucho Marx
A major distress for anyone after the passing of a mate is, “should
I sell our home and move on?” In this chapter, we will analyze
several of the key factors associated with relocation after losing a
mate. First thought is where to go?
Closer to my kids?
A smaller place?
Move in with children?
We will assume you are in good health and have the income to
remain in your present home, apartment, or condo and bypass the
problems of selling and buying your domicile, as real estate
markets are cyclical. However, through it all, there might be an
emotional nagging and persistent urge to “move on.” A very
understandable emotion. However, if you are steadfastly
considering “moving on,” it is wise to stand back a moment and
- 69 -