How to Know if You Are Gay

Edited by Honeyg, Jack Herrick, Julia Maureen, Ben Rubenstein

Determining your sexual orientation can be a confusing experience. Only you can truly determine your sexual orientation, but by no means should you see this as a grim, life or death matter or irrevocable decision. Your view may even change over time, but remember that however you identify, you are a valuable human being. Take your time, discover who you are, and discover whether you fit the sexual identity of being gay or lesbian, turn out to be bisexual, something in between, or straight but not narrow. You may pass on to the next step ofaccepting that you are gay, and eventually to coming out of the closet and to having a successful gay or lesbian relationship. In this guide, the term gay has been used to include all forms of homosexuality and bisexuality, whether that be people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or pansexual.

Steps 1.
Be clear on your definition of Gay; there are many different considerations on the subject. Some people will argue that one's sexuality is determined by who you sleep with, others argue that it has to do with one's innate preference for one gender or the other. Liking one gender does not preclude liking the other.

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To be clear here are the sexualities that are most common Heterosexual [Straight]- This means that you are 100% straight, you don't have feelings for the same sex, and you love the opposite sex. Bi-sexual [Bi] - This means you are attracted to both sexes; that with which you identify, and the opposite sex. Homosexual [Gay] - This means you are 100% for YOUR gender. You don't have feelings for another gender. Pansexual - This means you will have sex with anyone regardless of what they are gender-wise etc. Asexual - This means you have no sexual interest towards any gender.

3.
Studies seem to support a strong genetic component in one's sexual orientation. It's not well understood by the laypublic but this is the case for many phenotypes in biology. A hot area of research currently is in epigenetics (the study of how non-genetic factors influence the expression of genes) which shows that having a large number of older brothers makes men more likely to be gay, regardless of whether they are raised in the same household. Some may argue that you might be born gay, but it is the act of having a Gay or Lesbian relationship that makes you gay. Still others believe that homosexuality is a product of one's environment and the experiences of your life, that is to say, that events in one's life contribute to your sexual orientation. What others believe however, should not have too strong an impact on your experience or identity.

4.
Understand that fantasising about members of the same sex does not necessarily mean you are gay. Straight people can have the occasional "same sex fantasy"; a woman having a strange dream involving a lesbian experience, or a man wondering about what it feels like to kiss that tough-looking guy in the men's changing rooms - but just fantasizing or daydreaming this way does not mean that they would jump on the chance when actually given the opportunity to do so. That being said, fantasizing mostly about members of the same sex is a pretty strong indicator that you lean primarily in that direction. Consider finding a way to experiment and explore your feelings.

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Understand that if you have had a same sex sexual encounter, it does not mean that you are now exclusively gay. You could be somewhere in between. Many people who later identify as gay have had heterosexual encounters, many quite satisfying. Also be aware that choosing an orientation identity for yourself will not flip a switch in your brain changing everything about how you feel. There are also no rules against identifying with a different orientation at a later date. Many transgender individuals identify first as gay before discovering more about themselves. If you've had an encounter with someone of your own sex and feel anxious or unsettled about it, probably they weren't the right person for you. If labels scare you, then you can skip that step and just find people you enjoy the company of. Some people believe genitals are just god's way of accessorizing.

6.
Realize that there are many different paths to discovering your sexuality. Some people may have known that they were different from the mainstream from a young age, others take time to discover their true nature, perhaps even realising it only in later life. Understand that just because an explanation or narrative exists that some people feel explains why one develops a particular sexuality, does not make it true, or even testable for that matter. Freudians have argued in the past that homosexuality is the result of "a distant father and overbearing mother" or the result of being stuck in the "anal stage of development". These hypotheses are certainly interesting but have little grounding in fact or science, and have fallen into disuse by mainstream psychology.

7.
Understand that sexuality is considered by some to be a very complex issue. Complex politically perhaps, but it's important to not let outside pressure exclusively determine your sexual identity. There is room for every degree of sexuality: some will be exclusively straight or gay, and never consider having sex outside their normal orientation. Some lesbians occasionally seek out male partners, and some gay men seek out females. There are many degrees of sexual orientation, and if you find you don't fit easily into one category, perhaps you are bisexual. Don't allow yourself to be labelled until or unless you are ready and willing to be.

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Do not attempt to undermine anyone's realisation of their sexuality. Coming to terms with one's sexual orientation is often difficult and complicated. Respect the privacy of individuals you know who may be averse to coming out. Don't see your finding of your sexuality as a "struggle", struggle implies a fight against something or yourself. Rather, see it as a journey of discovery, and consider seeking safe spaces where you can discuss your questions openly and meet others who are going through a similar process. Even if you don't identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual, you can use it as a starting point to help the gay rights movement or just meet new people.

9.
Think about your past romantic experiences with the other sex. Or think about romantic experiences or wishes with the same sex. How did you feel when that guy/girl kissed you? Were there fireworks when you made out with that one spectacular girl/guy? Who did you have crushes on? Were there people you were afraid to admit you had a crush on? What kinds of fantasies did you have?

10.
Examine your recent behaviour with your friends and acquaintances. If you're a girl trying to decide whether or not you are a lesbian, has there been a close friend you felt extra possessive, or protective of? One that you wanted to be your 'best friend forever' - and you insisted that you were her 'best friend forever', too? Did you just want to be her best friend, or did you take it a little too far? Guys, if you go for the tackle on the same friend at every practice, consider whether or not you're also trying to make it to the locker room at the same time. Are you more than passingly interested in him? Do you try to get a look at his body, get excited thinking about him taking off his shirt? Think about the way you're feeling, and really examine and analyse what it means.

11.
Remember that you are not alone. There are many, many gay, lesbian, bisexual and straight people in the community from a variety of backgrounds who have been in your situation. Find people who can be supportive of your questioning and won't respond judgmentally, or worse, report you to local authorities, church leaders, or your parents. Talking to friends and family members is something you can worry about later when you're more confident about who you are, and are in a situation where you won't be influenced by potential backlash from them. Also know that being gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual transgender or anything in between is okay. No one should make you feel bad about who you are inside. If your friends are your true friends, they will love you no matter what. People may also try and put you down. Realize that the people attacking you probably have problems of their own, and take out their anger on other people

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Watch out for people who insist that you're a "confused heterosexual" without actually knowing who you are, or people who try to pressure you in any single direction for that matter. Having negative experiences with the opposite sex won't make someone gay if they're heterosexual, rather it will just make them sexually frustrated and still heterosexual (as you can clearly see from any maledominated internet message board in existence). Quite frankly, if people who had a negative relationship experience with someone of the opposite gender turned gay, we'd all be gay.