Ace of Swords Swords are primarily weapons, although more obviously in western culture nowadays an insignia of rank.

Pondering on the modern day equivalent and that s obviously guns. In films women are rarely seen using swords, although might be portrayed with a knife, but in modern movies they are routinely shown as using guns, killing and behaving violently. This is a Caduceus, is it not, a symbol of healing and medicine. Okay. Swords, knives are also used to heal. As instruments of surgery. As straightforward tools for cutting, in various forms. Saws and scissors for example. Knives for eating. It's an incredibly primary implement is it not?. Presumably based on animal claws or such. Is their a such.? Started with stone instruments and flint I suppose. Don't know how long ago that was. All those films, such as the Three Musketeers, so thrilling. Robin Hood films. All kinds of sword play. Incredible to have grown up in a culture where killing of one or many humans, by another was routinely portrayed. Never got any pleasure out of the notion of killing. Occurs to me it wasnt that that loomed so large, twas the build up to the action. That was so enjoyable, so exciting, not the final moment. Still enjoy adventure movies, but not splatter fests, with a high blood count ,body's falling all over the place. Really does turn my stomach. Enjoyed Predators 2, but the opening sequence is one of the most wearing I've ever seen. The film is almost divided into two parts. That violent opening run; and then it's like a door opens, and the mysterious second phase begins. Always made me consider, that inversion. All powerful humans on the receiving end of what is so readily dispensed, by so many ,given the opportunity.

Two of Swords. A number of initial responses. First a quip about lady ninjas; largely because of that dress, all the hair, swords in that position, and then, 'being a lady Ninja in a dress like that is going to give you a few problems. A brief flurry of remembering Angelina Jolie in that first Lara Croft film. Great fun ; great fun and so well put together. All the characters worked. A picture of the four of swords surfaces, and it's generally associated with meditation, which I don't see; and then ,finally, back to this card and shes sitting on a rock, in the night, by the sea, wearing a blindfold, alone, away from everybody and everything, with the swords at ready and at rest. Yes, I've got there. It's about meditation. Meditation is, to coin a phrase'', putting the mind aside. Now despite having practised same for over 30 years I wouldnt be able to say what it is, or isn't. Have explored various techniques, and am much less knowing now than then. On top of that I don't actually know what mind is, which is of course not helped by the fact , I presume, that Im pondering upon what mind is using the mind itself !! (At a Glance Wikipedia. Mind collectively refers to the aspects of intellect and consciousness manifested as combinations of thought, perception, memory, emotion, will and imagination; mind is the stream of consciousness. It includes all of the brain's conscious processes. This denotation sometimes includes, in certain contexts, the working of the human unconscious or the conscious thoughts of animals. "Mind" is often used to refer especially to the thought processes of reason. ) It occurs to me that by going into meditation Ive changed my relationship with ego and conscience, which are part of the mind, and which were the tail that wagged the dog thats the mind', but which are now dramatically less in conflict, overbearing, and don't rule the mind in the way they did. That was all completely off the cuff and triggered by once again taking a random card from a pack of 78 Tarot cards and setting out to fill a close line A.4. page. Don't always feel like it but I find something rewarding about this and always experience a sense of satisfaction when I reach the bottom.

Three of Swords. A symbol for both 'victim' and 'perp.'; although it took me such time to deal with the fact that people actually walked the earth who saw themselves as having been wronged by me. At the age of about nineteen, at work one day, had the salutary experience of having to acknowledge, after having had another row with someone, that everybody in the world couldn't be wrong but me. A sobering moment. The fifty eight year old brother still hasn't realised he's wrong sometimes. Was as though there was two me's, early twenties; and I was torn between seeing myself as always the bad guy and always the good guy. (Talking now about everything that went on with people in general.) Came to see this as 'riding two horses at once, and that is exactly what it was like. As I got older, dealt with it by choosing to see myself as the villain, more and more, and developed a great big fat ego around that, because, I now see, we grow up with the idea that we have to choose between what we have been taught to perceive as incompatible notions. That either or view of the world. Either good or bad, not sometimes one or the other, depending on the circumstances, and dont get me started on a discussion of what is good and bad. Not written this down before, ( we get hurt and hurt people) and it seems so obvious when on paper, that I will have done things that, either because of my, or the expectations of the other, will set in motion events so that the other feels hurt, but of course the reverse is true. I will feel hurt because of my own or the expectations of the other. However have come to understand that if we have one hundred hurt points to dispense and we dispense one point at a time to one hundred people it is spread out. If one hundred people each give us one hurt point at the same time, we experience the hurt as a hundred times greater than anything we dispense.(Sorry about the clumsiness.) My experience of people is that almost without exception, they see themselves as wronged by the other. Had some dealings with a fifty year old online, whos violent, abusive, regularly lays into people without excuse without any provocation; and becomes incensed if questioned, even mildly and the behaviour is that of a spoilt teenager, more particularly my teenage aunt. ( she was the same age as me) Mind you she hasn't changed much at all. Fascinating. Problems with people get greater as the gap between who they are and who they think they are widens. In the case of the online individual, and my aunt, there is no overlap between what they

are and what they think they are; so it becomes impossible to not offend them.

Four of Swords. Such an excellent rendering based on the Waite Smith Four of swords, an image, I must say, which has always thrown me. The tarot experts consider it to be something to do with meditation, but I see a tomb, so it's another symbol of death, or its Christian imagery that relates to death, because such are found on tombs in Christian Churches, although it occurs to me its the first time I've seen such a representation where the figures female. Has a vague look of a particular Pre-Raphaelite painting, the name of which I can't recall. (Haven't been in a Christian Church for a good number of years, and then before that only got as far as the churchyard and before that for ever.) The youngest son of two close friends, both born Irish Catholics, who at best don't want to know about such things, decided he wanted to be christened and rang me one evening, it was about five years ago, to ask me to be his godfather. Talk about dilemma, but in a way no dilemma at all. The things one does for kids. Couldnt have said no to him. Had always got on great; and was deeply touched by the fact that he apparently asked me off his own back, then presented it as a fait accompli to his parents. The whole thing meant an awful lot to him, at that time, although now he's seventeen he's appalled by who he was at that age and weve had conversations which lead to me saying that he should give his younger self a break. It was almost funny really, the crowd that little lad got together in a church. Uncles and Aunts. Mum and dad. Godfather and godmother. Various friends of the family, all fallen from grace in the eyes of the Christian Church, but for me, personally, it was a useful experience, over and above giving my little mate something he wanted, because I felt neither defensive nor aggressive in that place, and it was good to know Ive become fairly untouched by those people, unless of course the inquisition comes back, which seems to me not entirely unlikely. Not sure I'd be very good at dealing with physical torture.

Five of Swords. Laughing jeering bully; and Ive come to feel dispassionate about people like that, although never able to relate to the mentality of those who get pleasure from behaving in this way. It's strange for me, the way these cards so often remind me of adventures, incidences from schooldays, in a way that the pack theyre based on doesnt. Recall an occurrence at the start of grammar school, with a kid called Terry Doyle. (You see. Seared on the memory.) He was the class geek, and very timid, completely unable to relate to anyone very well, kept himself to himself, and an incident occurred which to my chagrin, all these years later, still makes me squirm, which culminated in him squealing 'leave me alone', and when I say squeal I mean it, and I heard, heard the distress in his voice. It was shit, and Im pleased to say I got the others to stop, which wasn't that difficult. (We had no real bad eggs in the class. Just silly.) Maybe my first conscious, semiconscious experience of empathy, because something similar had happened to me at a previous school and Id run for it. Had a tendency as I got older to champion the underdog. Suppose it's what left wing, liberal politics is about really, and although it's never occurred to me before, those values are rooted in empathy are they not? The brother is extremely right wing and I just realised shows no understanding, or fellow feeling at all, for anyone. Have a theory that individuals who rated Robin Hood in those stories end up as left wingers, liberals; and those who were on the side of the Sheriff of Nottingham (You know who you are.)are right wing because most right wing women and men politicos, albeit coated in sugar, are bullies. Have of course come across left wing and liberal bullies I must add, but I reckon my theory would stand up to some kind of statistical analysis.

Six of Swords. Can see myself looking up at father, hear me, Wheres mum'?' She's over their. On the carousel.' Can't have been more than five. We are at a fairground in Margate. Grandmother was alive and I'm sure she was with us. The only vague memory I have of her, and I've just come upon it, this very moment. She died when I was five. Mother was only 24. She must have been devastated. Bereft. The whole family must have been. She was the eldest of a large collection. We had travelled to Margate in a charabanc. A British institution. Hiring a coach. In the Fifties. Filling it with kids and beer and sandwiches and lemonade and mums and dads and uncles and aunts and heading off to the seaside. Events like that don't happen much now. Not much of one for being nostalgic about the past, but maybe stuff like that was a good thing. Maybe some of those collective things that people did when they didn't have much were cohesive, binding, in a positive way. Maybe pooling of resources is a good thing. Gosh. Ill be accused of being a Communist. The residents association here, in the apartment block, organises get together trips for inhabitants who want to join in, be involved, but much as I like the idea in principle I have a big no in practice. Did years of involvement in collective cooperative things, one way or the other. Collectively organised social stuff. Community theatre. Political involvement. Yoga and meditation in groups. Involvement in voluntary groups; but got to a point of life where so many of the things I wanted to do meant I had to get on with it on my own. Painting. Past a certain point we go alone. Writing. We go alone. Meditation. Eventually we go alone. Exercise. Keep it up and mostly it's a solitary affair. That's how it is. Such is life. Would never have made it to India if I hadn't been able to set out on my own. It's good to be able to go alone and involve one's self collectively it occurs to me.

The Seven of Swords. This image is so close to the Waite Smith version and yet doesnt evoke in me the same ambivalence. Actually find it pleasing, which confuses, because it's a stereotype of the sneaking thief; and easy-going as I am, theft is only okay when self-preservations an issue. This guy looks far too healthy to be stealing to survive. Torn between ideas and feelings. Well that's not new; and having said that the card doesnt have the ambivalence of the Waite Smith, well it does, does it not?. Feelings and ideas. Could go on and write about attitudes to theft. The extrovert position; or ideas versus feelings, the introvert point. Base all decisions, about everything, on what I feel, which first manifested in a really comfortable way, I came to realise, with every word that Osho said; and then, when I took up painting, in about '85; although I continued in the area of life to do with people to be torn between ideas and feelings. It wasn't until art school, in ninety one, that I became aware that when working a painting, of making every decision according to how I felt. That was a huge jump; and I said yes to that. Began to see how torn Id been between feelings and ideas about people, how I should behave, how I should feel; but that was another step in becoming comfortable with honouring and acting through feelings. Took on board Christianity as a seven-year old, and in particular ideas about individuals in authority. I've come across extra ordinarily violent women and men in positions of authority (not physically,) and loathed and felt guilty and defensive about how I felt, but I realise at this moment (another new one on me) that it was okay to feel bad about feeling bad about violent people in authority; and so I move on.

Eight of Swords. The maiden being sacrificed to the Dragon. St George will come along soon to perform a rescue. The young woman being offered to King Kong, but in this version King Kong did the rescuing. Never made the connection between classical art and film iconography before, although as soon I write it, seems pretty obvious. My view of this image has always been about being trapped in a maze of ideas, being in the head, unconsciously ensnared by conflicting information, not knowing which way to turn because of that. The worse experience for me being a spell in the early days of meditation, when being in my head came to a head. Can recall standing by a door working on a decision about opening or shutting it. Frightening, but can see now it was a bit of a turning point. Understand moments like that to be about being so caught up with ideas, and every idea is then the subject of scrutiny from the vantage point of many other ideas, and so on and so on. A maze; and I most certainly didn't understand that then . Found my way out of that hole when I began to go more deeply into meditation, which had brought things to a head anyway, and by adding to it the practise of Wu Wei. Active non doing. A Taoist concept or idea. Yes an ultimate idea helped sort out or find a way through a maze of ideas. Came to meditation well read, but not about 'spiritual' matters. I owned a book, which was given to me by a friend five years previously, by Paul Reps, entitled Zen flesh, Zen Bones. Id never read it. Round about this time I opened that book and caught a few lines, which I interpreted, again unconsciously, and began to practise my understanding of what is called Wu Wei or active non doing, and that understanding was to apply waiting, not something Id ever really gone into in my life; and certainly not consciously up until then, and one of my phrases that relates to it is, staying with it until the change comes by itself. When in doubt I would restrain myself and keep restraining myself until something happened spontaneously again (living in the head is the absolute opposite of spontaneity, is the spontaneity killer) and once I'd started something, a new project, no matter what I went through, pain or pleasure I would keep going, although Ive just realised the latter was a second phase, which I did not start until about three years later and it worked. I got my spontaneity back.

Nine of Swords. Strewth but this pack of cards is twee. All those syrupy colours, nice, nice representation; which doesn't relate to what's going on. Is that just sugar coating the poison on the part of the author? Being on a downer does happen to ordinary people in ordinary settings. Pretty girls who live well, do wake in the middle of the night distressed. Just looked more closely and felt a flurry of feeling, of fellow feeling. Have woken from a nightmare, but can't say, off hand, when. Been ages. Do recall getting a new Tarot pack; 'The Navigators Tarot of the Mystic Sea.' (Incredibly vivid and unusual imagery,) and waking, heart pounding, head filled with an even more intense flow of imagery than usual, and all verbal responses had ceased. It was as though my throat seized, and that was seriously disturbing at the time, although I did realise in retrospect I found the incident exciting as well. 'The Darkest Hour is just before Dawn'. God, thats true. Waking early, with something weighing, alone, no distractions. Thrown completely to the self. Such a miserable number. Can't even recall the last time I felt like that. Occasionally get early morning low blood sugar lows, but never the works. Did when I drank and did drugs, and it actually kicked in when I started to drink, continued until I stopped. Usually seemed to be tied to that feeling of failure, about everything, and in particular a complete failure about how I got on with people. Completely normally Ive come to realise, but I had ideas that things should be different to the way they were. Had so many unrealistic expectations. Probably culled from all those Victorian novels I read as a kid.

Ten of Swords . Have always seen a pretty obvious statement in this card about being ganged up on, and it's true of every version I've seen. No one tampers. It really is a specific assertion about that, and a declaration about violence in general. Because the theme is swords its to do with mind, words and language, a testimony about the violence that goes with ideology; and expectation, both aspects of the mind, because of course there is violence to do with feeling, but that's another issue. First I realise I've never seen the outcome of this degree of brutality. Only ever seen someone with a black eye; and Ive heard of friends being badly hurt, but not seen it happen and not seen them until theyd got over it, physically at least. It's something we hear about, I hear about, that always seems to me to be happening at its worse somewhere else, far away, although of course in recent years much more closely. As soon as I write that down I realise that in one way or the other non physical violence is around all the time. I've encountered such a lot of verbally and emotionally violent people on chat board's; actually a rephrase will help here. Haven't encountered a lot. Most people seem pretty sound. Ive certainly come across more overtly verbally and emotionally violent people than I generally have to deal with in my ongoing life. The worst kind of school girl, schoolboy violence, and more. People laying into others for absolutely no reason and then getting even more angry, more aggressive and violent when challenged, both woman and men. Rather shocked. Not considered this in this way before. Always made a distinction between friction, abrasion; and violence. Don't think theres any harm in the former. Probably adds frisson to life, but I am shocked Ive become so inured to the ongoing stream of it, very particularly in tabloid newspapers. Television programmes in which the routine slaughter, battering of people is completely normal. Always found something unpleasant about the habitual vilification and abuse of anyone in public life. The remorseless sneering and jeering has always made my flesh crawl, and within the tabloid press the violence of the writers, the violence of the newspapers is always handled from that moral high ground, but then It always seems to be the case. Everybody believes their violence is valid and it's the others thats wrong. Wow!

Page of Swords. God this image grates. So, to me, completely incongruous and I would like to say to the author, 'The tarot isn't about presenting an image of the world as you want it to be, it's about a representation of truth. (Am fully aware the explosive discussion we can get into about that one, so don't nag!) Then it occurs, maybe you, Robin Wood, a woman, have seen girls behave like this. Although I'm sure things are not as strongly different as at one time, reckon most women do act differently amongst other women in the absence of men, as men behave differently amongst each other in the absence of women. That's an issue. Recall so often when younger the discomfort of being with someone gay and meeting up with straight friends. Would feel so torn, trapped, riding two horses at once. Seen a straight mate squirm on meeting straight friends, because hes been caught in the compromising situation of the company of an obviously gay man, a loudly effeminate gay man. Was squirming myself and felt such a shit. The gay guy, so loud, so effeminate and yet utterly likeable; and during the incident Im recalling he was introduced to the new blokes who all seemed to take a shine to him. Identity. We don't have just one. We certainly don't when younger. One for mother, for father, for brother. One for friends, for enemies. For women teachers, for male teachers; and with teachers it depends how we get on with them. Get the feeling, idea, have only have one identity now but am very clear about who I want to be involved with, how involved, so I suppose I'm now always me behaving differently depending who I'm communicating with, instead of jumping from one persona' to another, as I probably did when younger

The Queen of Swords. Todays card evokes little for me, or maybe a resistance to even an attempt at response. Began to mull over a phrase or two, to start the piece, which helps. (Getting going is the deal, and once thats happened I can ramble on, at the very least, for a page.) and realised how specifically addressed the musings were, realised that although it doesn't loom that large anymore, I know theres a possibility of someone reading the post and Ive been making more effort than I might because of that. This is a point of blogging really. Gets me to be more considered than I would. Being a somewhat sociable man Im concerned, to an extent, to adapt so that my fellows, or those of my fellows who take time to read the post, experience theyve been communicated with. And that's nearly half a page covered. Don't seem to want to pursue the aforementioned topic, so back to the Queen of Swords. A very cool scene. The suns shining from behind that grey storm cloud and the sky's pretty much filled with them. She's out in the open, on what looks like moor land, although that bush, red rose, is a cultivated plant ; and a very telling and verdant looking plant it is. Shes holding the sword in an upright position and looks as though she's offering it to someone whose outside the picture frame; and don't get me started on that dress. Given that shes dressed like that, plainly she's high status; and so out of sight are a large number of people in attendance. She represents our main ego does; she not? If we're lucky, had the right breaks, or we've gone to a lot of effort to make it so, a beautiful dominant figure holds sway in our minds, whilst in the background, out of sight, dancing in attendance, waiting to take over any moment, our other smaller ego courtiers are plotting, watching, waiting, while she the dominant self interacts with others, who are in the imagination, who are not part of the court. Page filled. Thats it. Sorry to be so abrupt. Finished.

Knight of Swords .
The final image in the third pack of tarot cards, that Ive used to trigger writing in a daily journal. Suppose I could go into that, write about writing, to avoid writing about this, but I won't. Impetuosity of youth, which once upon a time was mostly just about lads; and increasingly includes girls. The phrase 'youth is wasted on the young' is almost a cliche; it's a 'hoary old chestnut'. what a load of ballocks. The idea that only people under a certain age make mistakes is as ridiculous as the suggestion that anyone over a certain age is incapable of being original, is a fuddy-duddy. Teenagers and twenty somethings, of a certain temperament; because all teenagers and twenty somethings are not exactly the same; throw themselves into new things, things that are fresh to them, not so much taking risk, as being completely innocent of the fact that theres any risk involved at all, coupled often with the fearlessness of inexperience, or naivete, if you choose to say it that way ; so all manner of new things get opened up, explored and shared, with anyone whose open to the sharing. Bloody fantastic say I. Was most definitely like this. Charging into things, getting into trouble. Getting mocked by people of a similar age; and younger, who were stuffy and pompous in a way that fits the stereotype of middle-aged. Did so much, and that eventually ran down ,by my early thirties, and I found another adventure, threw myself into it; and set off for India; stayed for a year and a half, but something eventually changed and although I continue to take risks, explore the new, have never ceased to do that, definitely go more carefully now, because Im no longer innocent, no longer naive to the fact that theres always something in the new that will be enjoyed and something that wont. Useful analogy might be that as a kid I raced down the beach and hurled myself head long into the waves, now I still go into the water, still swim, but I get there more slowly.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. Chapter 1

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. Chapter 3 I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately. Chapter 4.

I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. Chapter 2

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. Chapter 5 I walk down another street.

King of Swords. As soon as I turned the card over I pictured Kirk Douglas in The Viking', along with Tony Curtis. Dont recall much detail, but my imagination is filled with a stream of colourful image's without sound, all mixed up with some from a film which starred Antonio Banderas. 'The 13th Warrior'. Recall being enthralled by the Viking film as a kid, and more recently the 13th Warrior. May have seen the former in Malta. Not sure. Was possibly about 13 or 12, so it would have been in Malta. The 13th Warrior is also terrific and Ive watched it three times. Have it on DVD, and will almost certainly catch it again sometime. The way the King of Swords is standing in that image then triggers a picture of Gandalf, in that resolute pose on the bridge in the mines of Moria, roaring at the Balrog, 'You shall not pass.' I've read the book more times than I can count, but not for years, so watching the film was easy. Terrific! A great achievement. Have reservations, but overall the film is so good I give Jackson an A. He remade 'King Kong, which I get the impression was not well received, but must say I really enjoyed it enormously. It was well done. Will almost certainly watch it again. Yeah! I do enjoy films, especially on DVD. Recently got myself a 32 inch flat screen TV and have to say my only regret about it is that I didnt give myself a bigger one. Only got me a DVD player about three years ago, which led to a few months bout of watching many films, and then I acquired my flat screen and that triggered another spell of pigging out on movie. Have a great capacity for suspension of disbelief when watching film. Tend to like strong visual imagery and thrills, but occasionally deep and meaningful is good, although it occurs to me any decently made film that holds attention will trigger in the right situation musings with a bit of depth. Hm! Viking warrior in a tarot pack triggers ponderings about movies. Excellent!