Research Paper Assessment Name: Helaina Aronson Date: 10/25/12 Student ID: Email: helainaaltabef@gmail.

com

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Helaina Aronson CPCP Research Paper

A Case Study For Parents of Adolescents on the Importance of Interest and Boundaries

Introduction: As an educator with over ten years of classroom experience, I came to coaching with the intention of blending the two disciplines. My new work with children would focus on increasing aptitude and interest. For families, I would provide coaching meant to increase household harmony.

For the past year, I have worked with a family in part as an educational consultant for their son and in part as a family coach. When they came to me initially, it was because Jonathan, their eighth-grade son lacked executive skills, which is to say disorganized, which is to say an adolescent. He was doing poorly in school and it would be my job to help him establish systems to improve his academic performance. Of course, the work was more complex than it seemed. There were two main issues to contend with that were far more complicated that disorganization: Jonathans understandable disinterest in school and his parents permissiveness.

Jonathan: Working with Jonathan was initially challenging. Though he was respectful, he offered very little in the early sessions, meeting all my suggestions with an indifferent sure that can only be infuriating when coming from a teenager. Clearly he was smart and witty. After a month or so, though he was by no means thrilled to see me, our rapport grew and Jonathan explained the reason for his disinterest to me. Like many students before him, he felt that school was boring and pointless. Though he was very bright, it provided little stimulation for either his interest in art or his character strengths. Ive been an educator for over ten years, but Ive come to coaching in effort to address this problem: how do we engage our brilliant, talented youth without deadening their curiosity? How is it possible that a creative, personable, curious and highly aware 14 year-old could feel so disinterested and as a result, so
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angry. As psychologist Mikaly Csikszentmihalyi and others have observed, the education system that consumes the lives of most youth does not seem to be optimally calibrated for their developing selves and that for most young people, school is a dull and uninspiring place to be bringing about a boredom that is so common that many consider it a normal phase of growing up (Hunter and Csikszentmihalyi 27). I was hired to help him get organized, not for enlightenment. But here was a perfect opportunity to start the path for personal growth that could be life-changing. In addition to addressing his messy book bag and crumbled papers, we also started the conversation of awareness. For this to be successful, I had to partner with Jonathan to understand that he did not find every single thing in life boring by finding the exceptions: his interests. Even if these interests were not available in school, awareness of what made him curious and excited-the things that are worth the challenge-could be transformative by providing him with authentic motivation. Since all learning requires persistence and focus...interest provides...staying power in the face of difficulty. When things are interesting, concentration comes easy and persisting at them is less laborious and burdensome (ibid 29). This was applicable to Jonathan, who slogged through relatively easy work not because he wasnt smart, but because it did not capture his attention for more than five minutes. In contrast, when he made art, his true passion, or when he participated in debates, he could pass hours without even realizing the passing time. Seeing things in this perspective really changed how Jonathan and I interacted. His willingness to participate in creating techniques to deal with his disor Copyright 2006 International Coach Academy Pty. Ltd. Use is governed by the Terms and Conditions at http://www.icoachacademy.com Last updated Feb 2006

ganization increased and his bag was less of a mess. He wrote more thorough assignments about literature and history. And perhaps the greatest reward: he texted me pictures of his artwork, which was brilliant. All these changes were promising signs, but when I talked with his mom in between sessions, she expressed concern. He was still missing assignments, but there was also a growing tension between Jonathan and his family. I really wanted to help them and so I asked his parents if they would like to participate in some coaching to support Jonathans growth and they agreed.

Parents: Our initial conversation was illuminating. Apparently, Jonathan lost everything--his expensive clothing, his electronics. When this became known, the items were replaced and not surprisingly, lost again. In their minds, this pattern was further evidence that he was disorganized. I inquired about the tone of these moments of discovery and they described him as being annoyed with them, leading them to back off quickly. A day or two later, came the replacement object and though the relationship was no longer tense, they described the best case scenario as neutral. He was also spending most of free time with his friends, expecting his parents to comply with his social schedule. Though they run two successful businesses and were spread thin, they drove him everywhere. At this point, I asked the parents to reflect about how much control they perceived Jonathan as having, to which they answered with a deep sigh.

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Like many others, these parents were struggling with how to create harmony as their childs independent sense of self emerged. While it was true that the combination of Jonathans disorganization, disinterest, and developmental stage created the perfect storm, there was another dimension to this: as an adolescent, the rules suddenly changed. Life got harder in all realms, with social, academic, behavior and family dynamics all taking a leap. (Altabef) Though Jonathan wanted to make independent decisions and be in charge of [his life], [he was] not yet ready to assume equal responsibility (DAngelo and Omar 12). As parents, their role was to provide boundaries and structure, forming a container for all this newly experienced chaos. (Altabef) Therefore, they needed to take an active role in helping him achieve the goal of accountability, meaning that the rules changed for them as well. But they still perceived him as a ten year old. It was time for everyone to catch up to this new reality. When asked about consequences, both past and current, the passion with which this goal for making Jonah accountable was expressed dissipated; the line went very quiet again. They both very honestly admitted that Jonathan had never been punished-ever-not for grades, loosing his stuff or being disrespectful. Both of them shared an underlying belief that if they punished Jonathan, they would damage him. In fact, the idea of doing so made especially his father choke up. They were permissive parents--sensitive and responsive to the unique needs of the child, but lacked control limits and expectations (ibid 15). They were doing everything they could to prevent him from failing and in doing so, they were

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failing to provide the edge that adolescents need, precisely because, as stated above, they are not yet ready to assume full responsibility for their lives. What the coaching uncovered was that their well-intentioned actions were actually being perceived by Jonathan as controlling. For a year, his parents had checked his homework online everyday, were outraged about missing assignments, but then dropped off his homework at school. They lectured him about responsibility when he lost things right before they replaced them. Without clear boundaries, his parents were spilling over and that made Jonathan lash out. At his age, the goal is to develop adequate means to regulate his own behavior and emotions but with all this push/pull, that energy was expended on countering his parentss actions by being defiant and passive/aggressive instead (ibid 13). With clear boundaries in place, there would be little room for argument and with meaningful consequence, he would have to learn through experience about accountability, not a lecture. The goal was a shift they were not expecting, from permissive to authoritative parenting, a word whose connotation alone made them uneasy. While they were scoring high on one dimension of parenting, what Jonathan really needed was the combination of love and affection with expectations and consistent enforcement of standards (ibid 15). In the ideal circumstance, there is a healthy balance struck between clear boundaries and the freedom to explore, enabling a teen to become an individual without devoting excessive energy to defiance. When there defiance in adolescence, it is a nasty blend of pushing off to gain space that is not given freely and frustration for lack of clear boundaries. (Altabef)
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That understood, it is not surprising that children of parents who regularly balance love and support with firm boundaries are more self-regulated, socially responsible and cognitively competent (Oliver 536). Being that Jonah was naturally charismatic and personable, this change in style would also allow his strengths as a leader to flourish.

New Patterns: Separately, I brainstormed with both parents and Jonathan to create a set of guidelines that everyone agreed upon as being fair. Going forward, homework was checked by mom only on Friday on the schools portal. If there were any missing assignments, social privileges would be revoked for the weekend. If all was turned in, Jonathan was free to do the thing he cared most about--be with his friends. In addition, there would be no negotiating about household chores. If they werent done, all electronics had to be turned over to mom. The rules were simple and clear. For the first few couple of months, this was incredibly difficult for both parties to accept. There had already been established a cycle of inconsistency, and Jonathan tested his parents weekly. Every Friday, my phone would ring and mom and I would have a laser session to review the importance of the plan. And though he cried in frustration, after four weeks, there were no more zeros for homework. After eight weeks, his grades had jumped significantly. At the end of five months, his average was in the 90s. He continued to send me texts of his evolving artwork and our rapport was something I was proud of. Everyone felt
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good about the progress made and it was decided that my time with the family had run its course. Unfortunately, old patterns die hard. Everyone managed to uphold their ends of the deal for another marking period, but by the last quarter of 8th grade, everyones commitment to the structure waned. Apparently, he had adapted to his punishments, making his parents perceive them as futile. His grades dropped significantly, and he ended up failing one of his classes. This summer I got a call from Jonathans mother again. She asked me if I would agree to work with the family again and I did. The model for my coaching is built on the knowing that life will continuously ask us to realign ourselves with our values, and this is what had happened with these folks--they needed a tune up. I started back up with the family in September and was surprised at how much structure we needed to reestablish. Though the work is largely about Jonathans interest in school and his work habits, it is so intertwined with his parents ability to be consistent. Recently though, his mother revealed a clear shift in thinking that I take as a promising. She recounted a conversation between her and her husband during which he suggested that I come everyday to help Jonathan with school. She replied that she thought Jonathan might need to fail and go to summer school to really learn this lesson. I was shocked by her conviction and supported it. Intuitively, she is learning that Jonathan is the only person who can really teach this lesson of accountability. We also concluded that it would be important for him to know that her expectations changed, that she would no longer baby him or punish him, nor would she continue to spoil him. If
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he really wanted to be left alone, it would mean leaning on her less to do everything for him. When I saw him next, he seemed humbled and less edgy than he has been.

Conclusion: When the chaos of adolescence arises, parents can be most supportive by providing clear boundaries that help contain it. Doing so with give a frame in an otherwise messy and muddled period of development. The misunderstanding with permissive parents is that because it is coming from a place of love, it can only benefit the child. Consistent, clear structure will only help the child to deal with new struggles of establishing order as they define who they are.

Works Cited

Altabef, Morry. Personal interview. 15 Apr. 2012.

D'Angelo, Sandra, and Hatim Omar. "Parenting Adolescents." International Journal of Adolescent Medicine15.1 (2003): 11-19. Web.
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Hunter, Jeremy, and Mikaly Csikszentmihalyi. "The Positive Psychology of Interested Adolescents." Journal of Youth and Adolescents 32.1 (2003): 27-35. Web.

Oliver, Pamela. "Adolescent Family Environmental Antecedents to Transformational Leadership Potential."Leadership Quarterly 22 (2011): 535-44. Web.

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