Dr.

Hirschel Heilbron Researcher in the field of Systematic Theology: Theologies of Religion/ Comparative Theology Divorce Introduction "It is hard to understand divorce, especially when you are young. Things change quickly, leaving you with confused feelings and plenty of questions. You might not feel the same way that other children feel, but I guess in some ways you will" ( Bill Coleman; Aurora, Nebraska). These are words that are heard to often in conversations, today, especially amongst children that are beginning the prime of their life. Parents forbid their children to indulged in pre- marital sex (which I agree with fully), but then some of them become tired of having this one partner, their wife or husband, for too long and think that the time has come to trade their "old model" in for a new one without considering the existence of their current family. What are the causes of divorce? Why do parents end their marriage? What children must know is that they do not cause divorce but it is an adult problem that they have brought upon themselves in most cases. There are many reasons why parents feel or think that they have a right to end years of intimacy with their spouse and their children. Some of them live in such a way that they think that they have valid reason to move on to greener pasture as they would joke about it. Dangerous signs that will lead to divorce if not reconciled in time: Arguments. Most adults are guilty of arguing. They create moments to argue with each other. Whether this is done quietly, aloud or done in anger they are at it. Some of them get to that point, where foul play is involved, by taking the gloves off. Arguments starts when people has forgotten that life is not about themselves only, in this case marriage, but that there are other people involved. Most fights are always about the lack of love and respect for each other. Almost every conversation begins and ends with an argument. Little does people know that when any of these above-mentioned elements are involved in the marriage, it opens the doors for divorce to enter and destroy not just a marriage but a family where children have a share in. Faultfinding. One of the greats. After a few heavy serious arguments, fault finding in you spouse becomes natural, especially when you have lost the previous argument battle and you have to make up for it. Some couple is living for that moment waiting for that opportunity where their spouse would slip up in order to nail them. Marriage is no longer a joy of caring for the weaker one, but it is about vengeance, getting even with my mate. Couples finds fault with their partners over things that are not even worth it to waste time about. Selfish arrogance: my way is the right way. With this attitude it is clear that partners are unsure of their partnership roles in the marriage. This could be due to failure from the one who give them pre marital counselling or because of choice. Despite of whatever reason, the unity of trust and partnership or togetherness, to solve our problems that we are facing, has been derailed. Instead of finding ways together to deal with the issue at hand, one partner wants to be the hero and in so doing he or she denounces whatever help the other partner are offering or tabling. Some couple has decided to leave the marriage because the bond of partnership has lost its meaning. Focussing on the negative of their partner. Well known, Dr. Phil McGraw, Life Strategist, has made a statement saying that a sure sign for divorce in the future is the continuing breaking down of one's partner. Every time one partner focuses on the negative side of the other one, they slowly but surely destroying their spouse emotional. This would lead to divorce without any intention of reconciliation. Finances. This could be looked at from different angles. You get some of spouses that is not willing to provide for the well being of their family. This is to provide their family with a roof over their heads, food, and child's physical needs such as education amongst others. In most case it is the mother that serves as the bread or sole provider. The common reason why women in this case choose to leave their husbands could be due to all kind of abuse especially if they refuse to support their husband's "bad habits", or it could be that life has become so expensive that their husbands has become a liability to them. There is also the flip side to the coin. You do get spouses, wives in particular who feels that it is their husbands sole responsibility to be the bread provider. Some husbands finds themselves concentrating so hard on making money that they fail to fulfil their other responsibilities, like being a father to his

children or a husband to his wife. Most of these couple are living on the edge, competing with the family or the neighbours, living to impress. Before they know it they are in huge financial debt and for some the only way out is to get out of the marriage. You also get situations where the husbands choose to be the sole provider. He sees himself as the provider of his family and becomes absent in the lives of his children and wife. His children go astray, his wife have an a fair, and later on he himself end up with a nervous breakdown or worst. Adultery. I have come across many Christian couples that do not know the seriousness of this commandment God has given us. Married men and women likes the challenge to push boundaries when it comes to forbidden fruit. They later find themselves chained in a relationship that they cannot break free from. Their lives take a drastic turn of the worst scenario. Instead of coming clean they continue to satisfy this carnal habit of theirs. It is always the victim in the marriage who has to struggle by working through this burden that was brought upon him or her by their partner. Their trust has been broken. Some partners find it difficult to work through this problem and choose to break ties with their spouse. They feel rejected, unloved and betrayed. They feel that they have been strip from their dignity and integrity in society. Media. The media also has played a negative role in most cases. Private viewing of certain unethical marriage programmes has led spouses explore restricted avenues. The negative effects of these programmes breaths opportune elements of divorce. Also judging the lifestyles of some of Hollywoods celebrities leaves a bitter taste in one mouth. In these cases men are mostly influence to pursue indirectly related media motivated challenges. Effects of the divorce on children. Children respond to divorce differently then their parent and therefore the impact of divorce on children may be minimised. Some children remain faithful to their parent even though they choose to remarry. Children who find themselves in divorce cases often feel grief and shame and even embarrassment. They find that they have, in some way caused their parents to divorce. Since some children measure love by physical distance, when one parent leaves the home, children assume that the one who has left the home does not love them enough to stay. What children fail to recognise is the fact that the parent might have invested a lot effort to save the marriage and in so doing, saving the family from experiencing the trauma after every divorce. It is been stated that boys are more stressed than girls at the time of the divorce. However both girls and boys have a long "fall out" that only occurs until late adolescent. Some children of divorce couples developed a low self - esteem and find it difficult to concentrate in class. As a result of this, their grades are effected. Other common responses to divorce includes the difficulty to get along with other children, the fear that the parent who has custody will also leave the to themselves. There is also the worry of will there be enough money for us to survive as a family. What will happen to us if my custodial parent die or become unable to provide for us? Some children feel angry. According to them their parents could have tried harder to make the marriage worked. They also believe that the divorce would have been a bit better if they were little older or even little younger or even if their parents could talked to them before they made their own decisions. Some children often wonder if they still have a real family. Most of the children feel sad, lonely and even very mad for what is happening to them. They find it difficult to work through. Some of them never recover and it is seen in their adulthood when they choose not to get married because they are afraid that what happened to their parents would happened to them. Some children become wiser and other become careful when it comes to decision-making. They make it their business to make sure that they would be free from hurt should their decision back fire. A lot of things in considerations. Sometimes children would say that they are happy because the fighting that scared them is now over. Their father who used to be absent, from them are now available to have them every second weekend. For some, after the divorce, it has become a status symbol. Now they have two houses that they live in. The down side of that is when their parent's new dating partner comes to visit. Pastoral care The child needs to know that God who is his heavenly father would never leave them or forsake them. They must be made aware that despite what happened between their parents, God still loves both of their parents and even thought there are now way on earth that they would ever get back together God still

forgives them. The focus must be on forgiveness, restoration of the child and hope for the child. They must know that God loves them and that He will never stop loving them, even though his or her parents are divorced. Do not blame any of the parents for the divorce. Ease the child's mind with the fact that maybe their parents have tried everything in their power to make the marriage work, without disclosing details. Let the child know that as difficult it is for him or her to accept and deal with the reality of divorce that is taking place between their parents, so it is as equally difficult for their parent to accept and work through this problem. Make them realise that divorce is difficult and that their parents have never done this before. One must be careful not to give children false hope or to promises then that their parents would get back together again. It is very important to let the child know that are not responsible for their parents divorce and they must not burden themselves with the tasked to try and bring their parents back together again. Divorce has caused some children to think that they are different because of their parent's divorce. Tell the child that their parents still loves the as much as they did before and that the love they will give is not the love that they use to have for their partner, and now that he is not there they are getting it. Inform the children that they must be prepared to try to adjust to their new routine of visiting the parent who has left the house. One can also offer the child to support them with this new arrangement. Share with them stories, similar to their situation, of children who had to go through what they are going through right now. Try to counsel all the children that have been affected by the divorce, at one time. Give them little information at a time and them allow them to ask questions. Only give them answer what they need to know and would help them to cope with the divorce of the parents. Support each child according to their emotional capacity. In other, create an atmosphere of safety to let the children express how they really feel. Encourage the children to continue to love and respect and support both parents equally, not condemning them nor being a talebearer of the one to the other. It is important that the child continue to have a positive attitude because this would lead to the road of healing and victory over their situation. Let them say in the end that their stumbling block has become a stepping-stone. Even though divorce hurts we must help the children never to lose sight to become what they are destined for.