A METAPHORICAL INTERPRETATION OF ERNESTO THE HURRICANE WHO WAS ALSO FOR STORYTELLING PURPOSES A PIRATE

Once upon a time, Ernesto the pirate captain sat around on his ship's deck wondering how to acquire more money, as pirate captains often do (among pirates, this habit was dubbed 'captainalism'.). This, however, was no time for captainalism, because his ship was being bombarded with things, not necessarily cannon balls, however. The ship that was bombarding them had, in fact, run out of cannon balls while firing on the captain's quarters, which was the only reason he wasn't enjoying this lovely sea battle through his room's windows. The ship bombarding them was a long-time rival and a big bully, the Katrina. The crew of Katrina had always done better than Ernesto the captain, and he was rather amused when he saw that they had run out of ammunition. Unfortunately, the crew of the Katrina had improvised and had begun bombarding his ship, the Ernesto (named thoughtfully after Ernesto the Captain himself), with hurtful insults and hornets made of folded-up paper. Master gunner! Ernesto the captain called. Gun them, or something! I already threw all our guns at 'em, cap'n, but they're too far away, so the guns just fell in the water! Ernesto the captain heard Ernesto the master gunner bellow from a lower deck. It's worth noting that Ernesto was not both a captain and a master gunner, but that everyone on the Ernesto was named Ernesto, even Ernesto the captain's pet marmoset, Ernesto the marmoset. What? yelled Ernesto the captain, as he rushed below decks. Did you throw out the cannons, too? Don't worry, cap'n, I'm gonna do that next. Don't do that, you blazin' scallywag! Ernesto the captain objected. Where's the powder monkey? I didn't throw him out yet, either. You want me to? Who you talkin' about throwing, guys? said Ernesto the powder monkey as he struggled up from gunpowder storage with a keg of gunpowder. 'bout time! exclaimed Ernesto the captain. Don't you hear those bilge rats insulting us? Well, began Ernesto the master gunner. my mum was a pretty big lady. Ernesto the captain had already left to check on other things when the realization dawned upon the master gunner. Reckon he wants me to shoot the cannons, or something? Ernesto the captain had returned to the top deck and tried to teach Ernesto the marmoset how to do some tricks, hoping it would take his mind off things. This method was ineffective, however, as the insults of the Katrina's crew were too loud to ignore. Hey, Ernesto! one cabin boy called. Our parrot can speak Latin! ! mocked their parrot. That's not Lain, shrimp-brains, snapped the Katrina's first mate. that be Russian. Ernesto the captain took Ernesto the marmoset in one hand and was about to produce a retort when the entire Ernesto was knocked back by it's own cannon fire. A row of cannon balls embedded themselves solidly into the Katrina's hull, and it began to sink.

Ernesto the captain stopped waving his fist and stood stationary in disbelief. How had those dogs worked out a concept as complicated as 'fire the cannons' by themselves? It must have been his masterful leadership, Ernesto the captain concluded. He looked behind him at the island of Haiti, hoping somebody had seen his display of skill. He called for a meeting. Ahoy, me hearties, addressed Ernesto the captain. I have sunken the most powerful ship ever! Yaaay, you! congratulated Ernesto the first mate, the only one of the crew who was both intelligent enough to know what was going on and happy for Ernesto the captain at the same time. You know what they called that ship? asked Ernesto the Captain. The Katrina. said Ernesto the master gunner. No, ye seadog, snapped the captain. 'The Hurricane'. And I sunk it, so I'm the Hurricane now. August 24, 2006, buckos. Mark it on yer calenders. Well done, remarked Ernesto the sailing master, the smartest of the crew, sarcastically. Aye! agreed Ernesto the first mate. And what'll we do now, cap'n? Same thing we do every day, Ernesto, remarked Ernesto the Hurricane. Try to destroy the east coast! After officially becoming a hurricane at Haiti on August 26, 2006, Ernesto headed northward. You see, Ernesto the captain and his crew where part of a global fashion movement that was an ironic and artistic metaphor about the modern world's feelings about software piracy, but it was a movement that was not very known of in 2006. As the Ernesto headed northward, the crew managed to find some magical dolphins (more magical than usual, that is) that could control the winds. Ernesto the rigger, a surprisingly good cook for a deranged buccaneer that swings around on ropes all day, managed to make some sort of addictive yet harmless concoction with the help of Ernesto the carpenter, a sulky surgeon who knew quite a bit about addictive concoctions but not very much about harmless ones. They called the concoction 'watered-down rum' and poured it out in front of the ship so the magic dolphins would follow them. The Ernesto and it's crew first brought down limited destruction on Cuba, their magic dolphin companions conjuring winds which were, at their highest maintained rate, seventy five miles per hour. The Ernesto continued northward, merrily storming on Florida and North Carolina and, through some odd twist of fate, ended up near lake Ontario. The Ernesto was anchored in lake Ontario on September 1, 2006, when the captain was satisfied enough to call his path of destruction over. Pressure on the ship's crew significantly was at a low nearing the end of the pillaging, reaching a minimum of only 985 millibars, if one was to continue the endless hurricane metaphors associated with Captain Ernesto's 'rampage'. You see, it is not customary for ships to travel over land, explained Ernesto the sailing master to Ernesto the master gunner. which is why I am troubled that we sailed from the Atlantic ocean to lake Ontario. Luckily, before Ernesto the master gunner could formulate another stupid and hardly coherent question, the captain returned to the ship with the broadsheets from a nearby tavern and Ernesto the marmoset relaxing on his shoulder. He glanced angrily at each of the crew, all of whom were relaxing on the top deck. What're you lookin' so stern about? inquired Ernesto the carpenter. Belay yer bilge 'n' gangway, ye poxed blaggard! grumbled Ernesto the Hurricane. Uh-oh, Ernesto the rigger called in a musical tone as he hung upside down from a line. Cap'n's breakin' out the lingo. Must be peeved, buckos! Please, grunted the captain. You ain't a corsair yourself, ye scurvy addleplate. What's the issue, captain? asked Ernesto the powder monkey, in a less cynical tone than the

carpenter. Ernesto the Hurricane slammed the broadsheet onto the quarterdeck. The headline read: HURRICANE ERNESTO CAUSES SEVEN FATALITIES, FOUR INDIRECT. Blimey, said Ernesto the carpenter, voice dripping in sarcasm. Pretty good, relatively, cap'n. 500 billion dollars of damage, begad! And only... the captain paused as he struggled with first grade arithmetic, mumbled a bit, the returned to his train of thought. ...fatalities? Did you see our flippin' magic dolphins? A 'level 1 hurricane' they says. I reckon our level should at least be an 86, or somefin'! Spontaneously, Ernesto the gun master punched the captain off the side of the boat. Got you another fatality, cap'n! he proclaimed proudly. Well then, said Ernesto the first mate, after processing for a moment that Ernesto the captain had just been shoved off the Ernesto and was probably suffering from hypothermia now. ...In that case, we need a new captain. How 'bout you, kid? he wondered, pointing to Ernesto the powder monkey. Okay. Confirmed Ernesto the powder monkey, who was now Ernesto the Hurricane, and who this story is about. THE END