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Its like a ripe, juicy orange. People recognise its goodness and know if they had it regularly it would be good for them. Regularly, to some might mean a small glass of juice or a whole orange daily, and for others it is once a week and others once a month. For others a little zest added to a favourite recipe is all that it takes to get all the goodness. And some no matter how great you tell them oranges are they will never want to eat them. This discussion model is much the same, some people are ready and some are not, some love it and some dont. You may find, as you read this book, that there are certain steps that resonate more with you. We encourage you to do what works first and build from there. You will work out what works for you, how often and when is the best time to use this model. Many of our clients work with us for as little as 2 hours a month then go on to create their own Power Groups where they meet with peers and ask each other the questions. We hope that you will find some of the answers you are looking for with the questions in this book and that you will come back to it time and time again whenever you have a decision to make. Once you are clear what you would like to have happen and what works for you, it can become easier to work effectively with others and achieve success without stress.
Thank you
To all the people who have listened to me and all those that didnt. For those that gave their opinions when asked and for those that gave them anyway. Thank you, to David Grove, Penny Tomkins, James Lawley, Caitlin Walker, Nancy Doyle and Marian Way and many of the Clean Community for making this wonderful process available to me, and for your patience and kindness as I learned it. With the aid of this process and you being you, I have learned to be okay with who I am, just as I am. I have learned to make decisions with confidence and to take the pressure off myself having to conform and to do things just because others or society say I should. I have learned how I work at my best and grown in confidence to ask those around me to support me in a way that works. I have also learned about the impact I have had on others in a safe and friendly way that has allowed me to be more considerate of others and build deeper and more meaningful relationships. Thank you to all my clients that have given me feedback and helped me develop the Power Groups. Thank you for trusting me even when it is was just a seed of an idea. Thank you Mum, those last few days we had together were the most precious of all. It will always sadden me that it took your pending death for us to be brave enough and kind enough to have an honest and open chat without judgement or assumption. Those chats in the early hours of the morning gave me the understanding of myself I had longed for and the courage to find a way to help other families communicate without fear of failure or guilt. I know now, that I spent far too much time blaming you, rather than trying to understand you. Thank you for loving me anyway and being the inspiration to make a difference through Step by Step Listening. Thank you to My Team for your invaluable feedback, support and consistent belief that we can make a difference in our communities by sharing this process. Your wonderful sharing of metaphors of what works for you with regards to the Power Groups had been a real spark of inspiration. My husband, children and extended family for your unconditional love and honesty.
Our Vision
Raise aspirations of whole communities through powerful facilitation. We aim to spark off Power Groups worldwide that are facilitated by you and your peers. Providing peer support without peer pressure and inspiring the next generation to listen, question and give feedback without fear of failure or feelings of guilt.
Our Mission
To be the most effective introducer of this process in the world. We are part of a community that can and will share with you some amazing applications of this process. We believe that our 8 Simple Steps is one of the most effective ways to introduce a complete novice to this deceptively simple yet powerful process. We want to invite as many people as possible to walk through the door and discover the understanding that can be created through the world of metaphor.
I recognised that when I called it Extreme Listening people understood faster and more effectively what I did. Whereas they thought a clean language facilitator was someone that did not swear. (I wish I could say I didnt). This assumption seemed to make it more difficult to promote or explain to others. Extreme Listening says what it is and began to open the doors and yet still it does not really explain the profound effects it has on people and their communities when adopted and shared. Imagine communities that can relate, understand and communicate through any conflict and or frustration and you are imagining the potential of a community who understand how to listen effectively to themselves and each other. Extreme Listening (aka Clean Language) is not like any other conversation, it is Extreme and it is one sided conversation when working with a Clean Language Facilitator. As the facilitator you have no voice, you are effectively silenced. By agreeing to be the facilitator you agree to keep your opinions, judgement and assumptions out of the discussion allowing the other person time to understand their own thinking and discover their own unique solutions. Our facilitators have undertaken a minimum of 12 days training to become certified Clean Language Facilitators and a further 3 days to learn how to introduce it to groups via the Power Group Model and we all continue to attend training every year to fine tune our pattern spotting skills.
We hope along your journey you will: Learn what works for you Acknowledge the similarities between you and others Respect the differences Trust that others know what is right for them right now Learn the questions and principles Create space for others to become aware of what they already know Learn to hold back your opinions, judgement and suggestions Listen and become aware of patterns Ask more effective questions Learn what you and others need to achieve success without stress.
This is an iterative process and your understanding of it and yourself builds over time.
Metaphors
Throughout the book I have attempted to high light in orange the metaphors I use in my own language as I tell you my stories and I explain the principles and the steps, you may notice some that I have missed. I invite you to become curious about them and notice the ones you use in your own language and the ones others use. A metaphor in this context is when you describe something as something else or you are using an expression where you are not physically doing it, such as: I am hitting my head against a brick wall. By asking questions of the metaphor David recognised it was possible for the individual to gain greater understanding of complex matters easily. It is this knowledge and resource that has been so valuable to me and that I love to share.
Benefits
I have attempted to highlight in green some of the benefits this process can bring. Again you may find some I have missed and feel free to highlight them too. These are things I have either experienced personally, our team have expressed as benefits or it is something our clients have told us.
8 Simple Steps Step 1: Chatting with Purpose Step 2: Introductions Step 3: Set up Step 4: Develop Resources Step 5: Break Step 6: Problem Solving Step 7: Recognise your learning Step 8: Plan your next best step
I would like to change the focus right now from me telling, to asking, so if it is okay with you I would like to ask you some questions now? Your answers are always right for you right now. No one will judge or give opinions; we are simply going to hold the space for you to share so you can gain some insight to how you think.
Here are some of the replies I have had before, I feel like I am: Stuck Trapped Hitting my head against a brick wall Going round in circles Frustrated On a rollercoaster On a treadmill.
When I asked when it is like that: What would you like to have happen? They would say something like: To be on track To feel like in I am in the flow or going with the flow Breaking down that brick wall or using it to get you to where I want to be To get out of this circle/cycle Off the rollercoaster Off the treadmill or find the pause button.
Being clear about what you would like to have happen means you are more likely to communicate that message effectively to others. For children and adults alike it is confusing to hear someone saying one thing and then demonstrate something completely different by their actions. Of course this can be down to how others interpret the information as well but it can also be that we are focusing our attention on the wrong thing, therefore delivering the wrong message. Business Example: A managing director says I want my team to think for themselves. Then complains when they do something without running it past him first. When we drilled down, he wanted others to think for themselves but recognises that he needed to let go for that to happen. His outcome changed from I want them to think for themselves to, I want to learn how to manage letting them think for themselves. Family Example: A parent says, I want my child to be independent and think for themselves and take more responsibility. The child does their own thing and the parent becomes frustrated. When we drilled down, the parent wanted the child to get a job and help out around the house more. The child was also saying they wanted more independence, but that independence to them meant moving out. This confusion led to many conflicts prior to the sessions. When the parent understood what kind of independence the child wanted and offered to support making this happen, the child realised they were not ready to move out after all. However they now have a job and communicates more at home.
Quote
Be careful what you wish for
This E Book aims to share with you questions that will help you clarify and be clear about what you would like to have happen, making it more likely that you can make it happen.
Step 2 Introduction
This process can give you the tools to manage your own emotions and an awareness that will enable you to make the changes necessary. Be kind to yourself, trust the first answer that comes to mind and remember no-one is going to judge you, make a suggestion or give an opinion. This is your time to allow the words to come and trust that you will know what is right for you. You will be invited to ask more questions enabling you to gain further clarity and understanding. You will gain greater understanding about what pushes your buttons and what needs to happen to bring success without stress to your life. Always use the questions on yourself to help you gain clarity. This is not something you do to someone else even if you think they are stuck and they look like they need help. If you are going to ask someone else these questions, it is reasonable to ask 2 or 3 questions that seem more conversational. Any more than that we recommend you explain how the questions work and you ask for their permission. The questions may seem deceptively simple but they can take your thinking to another level and it is therefore recommended and common courtesy to ask the person for permission before taking their thinking anywhere else, other than where they were expecting it to be. The fundamental principles and the questions included in the book will start you on the path of productive thinking, by investing as little as 2 hours a month and revisiting the questions with different scenarios, you can achieve Success without Stress by learning and understanding your own patterns. This is FREE and we are more than happy that you share it freely with your friends and family, however we do ask that you send them this link www.stepbysteplistening.com/stepby-step-guide and request they order their own free copy directly from us. We want you to experience how we work. This process is not for everyone and this E Book will give you insight and understanding into the way we take you through the fundamental principles of Extreme Listening, introducing you to the questions a few at a time and the vital principles that underpin this whole process. Our clients and our own families have effortlessly transferred parts of the process, to one to one discussions and groups who matter to their success and happiness. Much of the learning is done by osmosis after using the questions regularly for your own learning you will become more and more familiar with the questions and the process.
Quotes
A client that worked with us for 2 years said Decisions are now made faster and more effectively, life is easier, more rewarding and more fun. Power Group Day Attendee Nov 2012 I thought I knew myself quite well but evidently I dont, I cant wait to come back to the next session.
Step 3 Set up
Before we get started with any of our clients there are a few we ask to ensure they are set up for the session. Here are a few questions I invite you to ask yourself and be curious about what you notice. Take a moment and check in with yourself. If you are going to do anything new or engage in a discussion with some else, how well you set it up will influence the success. Here are some questions that will give you awareness of how space matters to you right now: Are you in the right space?
Is that space the same or different to the space you started in?
What happened?
You may have: Stayed put or gone on a walk about, only to find you came back to where you started Shifted even an inch or two Changed rooms completely Changed to sitting up Lied down.
You may be surprised to know, or not, that space is a vital part of thinking, working, learning and living at our best. Space does matter so be mindful as a parent, teacher or manager how often do you give the person who you want to talk, learn or work at their best the choice of space. Do you control this and/or is the space pre determined? Even this change of focus can change the results. Fascinating isnt it?
B. For this learning experience to be like (answer to A) you need to be like what?
C. For the learning experience to be like (answer to A) and you to be like (answer to B), is there any other kind of resource or support you need?
Can I invite you to be curious if you discovered that you did not have everything you needed and yet you had already started, interesting isnt it? Well at least I think so (big smile) You will become more and more aware as you go through this book how unique you are and therefore we hope you begin to understand that others are also as unique. In my opinion this is why we must take time to understand ourselves and others if we are to work effectively together. The great news is that these questions can get you there faster. Our assumptions that everyone else is the same or even that no one else feels like this, is in my opinion, one of the biggest things preventing us from thinking and communicating effectively.
Fascinating!! Is there anything else you need now to learn at your best?
Business Example: We ran a Power Group Plus event in July 2012 and 4 of the Southern Domestic Abuse Services Team joined us and the one thing that all 4 took away was Step 3 Set up. They found by asking their clients where they would like to be and asking the client where they would like them to be the individual was more relaxed and open to conversation. Family Example I believe space and set up is at the heart of the bedroom drama so many families experience. If we only let our children control one space in their life and it is their room they will do everything they can to have it how they want it, not how others want it. It is often the first thing that gets resolved when a parent learns how they need to be to parent at their best.
If you have a statement like A, then try asking some of the developing questions below to gain more understanding. If you have a statement more like B, then can I invite you to consider, when all that is happening, then what happens? Repeat this question until you have a statement/picture of what you would like to have happen. When you have a statement about what you would like to have happen move onto the developing questions in relation to this outcome.
Developing Questions
It might be you are pulling on a memory of when it has worked for you, or what is working in relation to this or it could be from what you imagine would be needed to make it work. Can I invite you to ask yourself questions for either 6 minutes or chose 6 questions about your desired outcome. What works? What has worked? Or What is working? In relation to what you would like to have happen: How do you know that it works, what do you hear or see that tells you that? Is there anything else about..? What kind of ..is that ? Does ..have a shape or size? Then what happens? Where is .? Whereabouts is.? What happens just before.? What happens in between.and ..? Draw or represent what you know now. What do you notice about the difference between your first statement and this statement? What difference does knowing that make?
Thought
First sign of madness is talking to yourself I think it is madness not to listen to yourself.
Step 5: Break
I will share more about the importance of breaks but for now can I invite you to take a break you decide how long: 10 mins Couple of hours Overnight A week
Can you?
Power Groups
Create an environment where groups can talk and everyone and everything matters. Information, space and time are honoured and respected as the information is shared. The individuals within a group feel heard, valued and understood. They are able to be themselves; however that may be for them on that day. They can sit where they are comfortable, move if they need to and work in a way that truly works for them. These basic principles that hold the model together, maintains a state of peer support without peer pressure. It is understood from the beginning that everyone can solve their own problems and that no one else is responsible for solving the problems for them. The group are invited to hold the space for others to think. The learning comes from the privilege of hearing the thoughts of others and combining this knowledge with greater understanding of your own thinking. One of the many benefits of the process and the group experience is that you soon become comfortable with you and accept yourself. You learn more about yourself and how to hold back your opinions, judgement and suggestions for far longer, allowing you and others to find out what works, what doesnt and what needs to happen for it to work better.
www.stepbysteplistening.com Sheryl@stepbysteplistening.com Call 01329 286648 Finding it difficult to read and action then please feel free to call us now for a FREE 30 mins session and we will ask you the questions over the phone.