1

BOTTLE
The following book is a true - life story of a boy born in a Yorkshire Town in a two up two down, terraced house, a story about a person that found true bottle in more ways than one. He rose from a normal working class lad to running his own company a real roller coaster of a ride through life that involved sex, violence, success, failure, deceit, double dealings, the underworld and murder.

It all began one October morning in 1959 when the first of Margaret and Jacks boys arrived; the two girls by all accounts were delirious with excitement at the prospect of having a little brother, little were they to know at that time what the future would bring.

From this day on Jonathan Ashley Cogdon started to engrave, etch, make his own mark in a life that was to become a diary of notoriety, fame, guilt and despair his name was to become the biggest talking point in school, in the local community and amongst his peers. He was often branded the bad apple, sometimes the most popular renegade; whatever he was branded he had something, something different to most boys. This story in parts is hilarious, sad, heart wrenching and beyond all a genuine account of a truly remarkable life the reason I can confidently write this - is because this whole book is about me and my life I am Jonathan Ashley Cogdon.

Contents

1.Welcome to the World

2.The Early Years

3.Skinheads

4.Trouble in the Teens

5.The Big Wide World

6.Brits Abroad

7.Back to Education and Fun

8.Early Twenties and Married Life

9.A True Life Miracle

10. The Ad Art Company

11. Living the Good Life

12. Murder in the Street

13. Trouble Brewing

14. A Spanish Affair

15. Time to Get Real

16. To Hell and Back

17. Back with a vengeance

I got out of the bath and found some clean clothes, it had been a hell of a journey from Tenerife and I was looking forward to seeing the kids for the first time in three months. I felt a hundred percent better after a nice shave and tidy up, I remember I was sitting watching the TV and the phone rang, it was Julias cousin, she told me that Julia had gone to the school and taken the kids and that she would not be coming back until I had left the house for good! I was stunned into complete and utter silence, my head was spinning, what about my children, where were they? Where was I going to go? What the fuck was going on? Within a split second my world had simply been snatched away from me and shattered like a hammer hitting a plate of glass, I couldnt even hear what she was saying, her voice just

7 faded into the distance, then I heard the letter box and an envelope drop through the door, by the time I had got there, whoever had delivered it had disappeared out of sight, there was a twenty pound note inside, presumably this was my fare to wherever. So after fifteen years of marriage, I was given twenty quid and kicked out. I was devastated I had nowhere to go. My mind was going round and round in circles, what was going on, I couldnt take this in at all, I was raging with anger, I swear, if I could have got my hands on her or her bloody cousin at that moment in time I would have killed them, dead, stone dead! It took a while for me to come round and start to think straight; I was like a caged tiger, prowling around the house. The only thing I could think of was to phone Paul in

Harrogate, he was the only person in the world that could or would help me now. Paul was on his way to Cheshire within half an hour of me speaking to him, he knew by my voice that this was a desperate situation and told me to just calm down and get some stuff together. I went upstairs to find some decent clean clothes and pack. Whist I was rooting around in the wardrobe, I remembered my gun, it was still there right at the top, it was a pistol that I had come by years ago and not thought too much about it after firing it a few times down in the fields. One thing was for certain it would kill me instantly if I stuck in the side of my head and pulled the trigger. I sat on the bed and loaded the gun, I wasnt even shaking at the time but when I put it to my head I felt sick, sicker than I have ever felt in my life, I

9 didnt like it much, it reminded me of all those years ago when that cockney had pulled the gun out of the till in France, I wasnt so scared then but now I was starting to tremble. I knew that I had the difference between life and death in the palm of my hand. I must have sat there for what seemed like ages thinking about it and then thinking about the kids, I went down stairs and had some more vodka, urghh! It was awful, but it warmed my inside and after a few mouthfuls, I felt better. I still had the gun by my side whilst I stared at the TV screen. It was then that I stuck the gun in my mouth, I was counting, but then I suddenly retched and ran for the kitchen, I was sick, as sick as a dog, I knew this wasnt for me. I didnt have the bottle for this! Some people say its the cowards way out, well for me,

you have to have a lot bigger bollocks than I have to do that. I was wiping my face and looking in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot and the tears were rolling down the cheeks of my face, I still had the gun, I decided to unload it and put it in my case, out of sight, out of mind.

11

Welcome to the World

Harrogate, North Yorkshire, October 27 1959 a family wait in a two-bedroom terrace house for the arrival of their new baby. Margaret lay in labour with Jack the husband by her side in the front room. Jennifer, at 10 years the eldest of two daughters, had been sent for the doctor and Jocelyn, at 5 years the youngest of the two was fast asleep upstairs.

Eighteen months prior to this cold foggy morning Joanna was born to the Cogdon Family and unfortunately only lasted a few days, Joanna died

from a hole in her sweet innocent heart, she was sadly missed a sister I have yet to meet.

I am told that everyone waited with baited breath in the small house, the lights glowing early that October morning, probably hope and expectation filling the air, a coal fire flickered in the old fireplace as the kettle simmered on the stove.

It was cold that morning but at No: 16 there was inner warmth that day. The Doctor had arrived and the girls were now ushered into the back room this was the living room, the room where the family ate, bathed, huddled by the fire, played games and lived every day life. It was a cluttered room with an open coal fire, forever the aroma of coal and wood burning, crackling away in the hearth, a room where

13 even the family pets shared the warmth.

There was also a wooden rack that hung from the ceiling suspended on pulleys, this was to dry clothes above the fire it was like some sort of medieval device, but as I grew I loved pulling it up and letting it down for mum to dry the abundance of washing us kids made for her.

To this day the room is the same, still cluttered, still small, still sometimes icy cold, but always clean Margaret always kept it that way.

So the first son was born, weighing in at 9lb 2oz, born in the front room of 16 Dixon Terrace where my father lived until his death in November 2004 - a

fantastic aura in the house that day, Jack delighted with his first-born son, Margaret relieved that he was healthy he was her delight and Jenny and Jocs prince their very own baby brother who in years to come whatever he did would still be loved and forgiven not only by his big sisters but more so by Jack and Margaret parents of their own Crown Prince.

Mum and Dad were not well off and both worked every hour to make sure we were clean and respectable, we had food, we had clothes and we were warm. In these early years I was totally oblivious to the everyday life, all I really remember is being loved by everyone around me, it made me

15 feel special. One of the people that loved me unconditionally was my Grandad Padgett and I wish I could remember him; he adored me and lived everyday to see me walk down the street at the age of two to see him. I am told he was a very smart man, a man of standing and of principles, always wore a three piece suit and his pocket watch, he used to say you can always tell a man by his shoes and his watch maybe if he had stuck around I might have learnt a bit from him.

Clogs I remember having to wear clogs, these were, for those of you that cannot remember such a thing, nothing like the cut back clogs you would see today.

These clogs were like steel toe cap boots with big steel horse-shoe type protectors on the soles to stop them wearing, stiff pitted leather that rubbed your ankles for weeks, sometimes making them so sore they would bleed. But never wear out. I think miners used to wear them. Guess what? - I managed to wear a pair out. The only conceivable answer to this must have been the amount of times I walked to Grandads - up and down the cobbled street whilst he waited at the bottom for the arrival of his Prince; he even bought my mum a pram with a crown on the side.

My recollections of these early years are very hazy so I have to rely on the many stories and

17 escapades that my family have told me about. There are a couple of things that still come up today; most of the fun in those days seemed to be around meal times. Mum would be in the kitchen preparing tea whilst the girls entertained me as I waited like a young chick, mouth open and squawking for food awaiting the return of the dutiful parent with food aplenty.

The fun started when the food arrived Jenny and Joc would leap to the far side of the room in anticipation of what they both knew was about to happen. As soon as I got the spoon in my hand I would catapult food across the room in every direction, both sisters crouched in the corner to avoid the barrage of baby food splattering them. I

am told most of it hit my Mum as she tried to get the spoon off me.

Jenny and Joc would sit with their hands aloft and palms facing me to protect themselves but they would never cover their faces because that would mean they would miss all the fun, I can vaguely remember the shrieks of laughter and them both howling, having a little brother was something the girls had never experienced before and this probably encouraged me even more. For a short while my high chair was removed to the back yard and meal times come rain or snow were outside.

19

Fish & Chips Not long after I had learnt to walk and talk Mum was expecting again, this time it was twins, I didnt understand at the time but on the 8th February 1962 after giving birth to Jason, his brother later to be named Mark arrived stillborn, yet another heartbreak for my parents. Later I was to learn what a devastating blow losing these two children was and it had an everlasting effect on my mother. Until the day she died she used to cry on their birthdays and although many years past the pain of losing her own flesh and blood cut deep into a very loving and caring heart.

My little brother Jason kept Mum very busy; this

was my opportunity to explore everything and anything. One particular day Mum had been cutting chips in the kitchen and Jason started crying so off she went to see to him, on her return to her domestic duties there I was with a raw chip in one hand and half a goldfish in the other saying Fish Chips. I am sure the girls were not too impressed with their little brother, but Hey, thats life.

Shortly after Grandad died, Granny came to live with us. Gran had the front room; we used the living room for everything, from bathing and eating to playing games and huddling up in front of the fire. Upstairs Mum and Dad had the back bedroom and we four kids shared the front bedroom. It didnt seem cramped at the time but looking at it now I am

21 sure it must have been. Gran was great to have around she taught me to play chess, cards and even better the sweet shop was right opposite the front door Gran and I made many a visit. There are many more tales of my escapades including my fascination of drains. I used to find it highly amusing when I put my toys down the street drains and then poor Mum used to have to lie face down on the road with her sleeves rolled up to her arm pits trying to retrieve whatever I had decided to dispose of that particular day. During this period many things happened to me, Mum was always busy either with Jason or at work she worked as a telephonist at the Telephone Exchange on an evening but through the day I got the opportunity at a very young age to scale the

back garden gate, usually land on my head on the other side and off I went.

Before I was five years old I managed to get run over four times, one particular time I remember vividly. I had just jumped over the gate to go on another adventure and had run into the back street, I heard this almighty screech and fell to the ground then, bang the car hit me, it was Mr. Silver from down the street in his new Zephyr most of the impact was on my head and I was rushed by ambulance to Hospital.

I can remember being so scared I had never been in a hospital before. Dad was with me so he must have been on nights; he did shift work at the

23 local bedding factory. I cried and cried but not from the pain or anything like that, it was the fact that I thought I would be in a newspaper or on television, so that goes to show you what an impact television has on children. The outcome was that I was alright and Mr. Silvers front bumper was dented that took some living down over the years to follow.

I was always in the wars, One day I was riding my bike and one of the Willis brothers from up the back street tied a piece of string across the road, When I rode into it I jumped and fell backwards off the bike, the result was a massive gash on the back of my head. All I remember is seeing blood everywhere, towel after towel soaked in blood, I kept asking Mum if I was going to die.

I wasnt having any of that Hospital lark so Mum ended up soaking up all the blood right through the following night. It must have been one hell of a cut because there is still a massive dent and scar there now.

I remember the first holiday we ever had, we were going to the seaside to stay in a cottage, we were so excited. Jason was only about two at the time, we had to take a double decker bus to York, I remember because we got to sit upstairs at the front and Jason was sick all the way there. The journey seemed like ages, but then we had to get on another bus and then another bus, how my poor Mum coped I will never know, just her and four kids,

25 dad had to work, Jenny would have been fourteen or fifteen at the time and probably helped with us younger ones and the bags - it still must have been a nightmare for her.

We arrived late in the afternoon at a place called Robin Hoods Bay, we were so excited, I remember walking into this old cottage, that smelt damp and foisty. There was a lot going on Mum was trying to get all the bags in, I was running round screaming to go to the beach, the girls were doing their level best to help Mum, it was chaos. By the time we were in Joc had started to read all the scrolls on the walls the cottage was called Smugglers Cottage, now that was exciting, Joc said there would be secret tunnels, I remember falling to sleep

dreaming of pirates and smugglers.

Robin Hoods Bay was the best place ever - we played on the scars and caught crabs and starfish we paddled in the rock pools it was brilliant, a real adventure. At that time I had no idea what fun I would have in the coming years at Robin Hoods Bay. I was into everything, before long the locals knew exactly who I was and where I was staying. One day I was stood on the slipway and some fishermen were taking their boat out, I asked if I could go and not suprisingly the answer was No. I waited for them and sat throwing stones into the waves, eventually they came back, they had only been out to check the lobster pots. As soon as the boat came up the slipway I asked one fisherman if

27 he was going out the next day Aye Lad everyday was the answer. This was a chance to ask again so I did, this time the answer was If your Mum and Dad say its alright. I ran as fast as I could to find Mum and the girls on the beach. After what seemed like hours of pleading Mum agreed and that was that, every year after that I spent most of my holiday working on the boats. I showed my kids how to crab on the scars with a great big crab hook. Pete, Joc and I used to do it all the time, we would be up to our knees in kelp, as far as possible from the shore hooking under the rock shelves, we caught some fantastic crabs and lobsters.

The first crab I took back for Mum to cook was massive, it was about ten inches across its back,

you just dont see them like that these days, I reckon the big ones have been all fished out. The ones you see now are about 5 inches, we used to throw them back because they were too small and now thats all you see in the shops it really is a crying shame. Anyway - I took this crab back to the cottage, everyone was impressed, Mum said she would cook it and what a laugh this turned out to be.

The crab was promptly put into a great big pan of water and the gas turned on, after about five minutes, we heard from the lounge the pan lid hit the kitchen floor, we all rushed into the kitchen to see the crab climbing out of the pan. Mum pushed the crab back into the pan and held the lid on.

29

The screams that came from that pan were unbelievable and it wasnt until Dad came back that we found out why. Dad said that when you cook crabs, you boil the water first and drop the crab in the boiling water, killing the crab instantly, Mum had tortured this poor crab and boiled it alive, she felt terrible about it but all we could do was laugh. For years after, we teased Mum.

I learnt so much and enjoyed every holiday we had there. I have, on many occasions taken my own children to the Bay, we have had some great times and we all have great memories of happiness and good times at Robin Hoods Bay. It was the best place to take any child, there was so much to do

and learn. We spent our time rummaging in the rock pools, crabbing and catching fish, so much better than somewhere like Blackpool, full of amusement arcades and rubbish. I was without doubt a cheeky and mischievous boy growing up on the back streets of Harrogate no different to any other at that time, what I didnt realize was, that there was a lot more of life to come.

31

The Early Years

By the time it came to starting school for the first time I had spent a few years being kicked around the back street by the older boys and in particular the youngest of my two sisters Joc, probably my fault entirely because I would insist in following them everywhere they went. The last thing nineyear olds want is a four-year old following them about and nagging all day. They wanted to be off down to the farm, nicking apples, playing chicken with the bull and playing games such as kingball.

One particular day when I had been a pain Joc stood me against the shed door and told me to put my arms out and she would throw darts around my

body, I didnt much like the idea, however Joc had powers of persuasion, it went something like if you dont Ill just throw them at you. So there I stood arms stretched out. The first dart was about six inches below my elbow, so I didnt feel too bad, it was the second dart that was much more of a concern she was aiming to go round my hand and the dart hit me right in the centre of my palm pinning my hand to the shed door -Christ did I scream, that was the last time I ever let Joc near me with a dart. She still tells people about it to this day and still finds it as amusing as she did then.

This back street pre school education had semi prepared me for my first day, I was confident and I

33 even sent my Mum home half way there, I tagged along with Robin from next door but one. Robin was a couple of years older than I and was to become one of the youngest Captains in the history of the modern British army, he was decorated for his efforts in the Falklands War.

I loved school, it was a new lease of life, and there was so much to do, so many other kids to get to know. I had no fear, it was exciting, we played football every break time and did things like gym and games, I loved reading and maths, I was good at them and found most of the tasks set before me easy. It took me no time at all to settle into school life, it was great.

After a few days at school my first problem arose, we were playing football at break time and the ball hit one of the older boys as he walked by. I ran toward him to get the ball he lashed out with his right foot and kicked me in the thigh, it gave me a real dead leg and I fell to the floor. Bastard it really hurt and I didnt want to cry in front of my new found mates, as I tried to get up he kicked out again this time hitting me right in the face and my lip and nose just exploded, there was blood everywhere. I think I was too numb and shocked by this time to cry; my mates ran over and helped me up. When we went back to class I told the teacher that the ball had hit me in the face, then I sat thinking how I

35 could get this bastard back, I could just go up and punch the bastard, but no he was too big he would hit me harder if I did that, what if I smacked him from behind? That would give me the advantage, no he would beat me, I hated him twat, all I could think was fucking twat, twat, twat.

All that night I lay in bed thinking of what I would like to do to him, I had never hit anyone in the face before, could I do it? If I got the chance would I have the bottle to belt him? Yeah, I think I could, I hate the bastard he really hurt me, finally I fell asleep.

Days past and I kept well out of his way, every time I saw him I went round the other way, I hated it, I

really wanted to get him back, but I knew I had no chance, he was bigger, he was nasty, he was a twat. I hated him. After school one night we were all coming out of the classrooms and had decided we were going to have a kick around in the cul-desac near Mike Styles house, so off we went kicking the ball to one another on our way home. We had just got to the corner of Chatsworth thats where Mike lived and he was there Johnstone was his name. He came over to me and demanded the ball, so I just kicked it away so he couldnt take it, Smack! He hit me with his fist right on the side of my face, as I reeled backwards I felt this fear come through me like a tornado, but then something happened a feeling I had never felt before anger I had snapped, I dont remember what happened, all of a

37 sudden I was sitting on top of him, I looked down and he was grimacing and calling me all sorts, swearing, what now, what should I do? I heard Mike shout Hit the bastard! I had got my chance could I do it?. Hit him? Did I have the bottle? What would it feel like thumping someone in the face? I closed my eyes and lashed out with my right fist and then my left fist and then again with my right, the feeling of knuckles hitting bone and gristle didnt bother me like I thought it might. I opened my eyes I hated him he really hurt me I just kept hitting him his nose and mouth were bleeding, whats more I was enjoying this, it wasnt that bad, it felt good. Steve came forward and said Cog leave him and pulled at my jumper, I got up panting, sweating, and shaking. Johnstone got up, tears mixed with blood

and snot running down his face, he ran for a short distance then turned Ill get you, you bastard! he shouted and scuttled off back to the stone he had crawled out from under. I had done it I had found the bottle, no matter what the odds, before, I had said to myself I dont stand a chance, I had lay there in bed worrying about that twat now it was a different story I had given him a good hiding and couldnt wait for the next day at school. People would hear as fast as the wind travels, word would get round it did and Johnstone never once bothered me again.

Before long I had loads of mates and we would kick a ball all the way to school and as soon as school

39 finished we would kick the ball all the way home again. It didnt take Mr. Banks the Headmaster of Grove Road Primary long to find out who Jonathan Cogdon was. I was always up to mischief; however over the years that I was a pupil at Grove Road he warmed to me and admired my ability especially as the captain of the school football team. Along with my mates there were two particular girls, whom I had soft spots for and funnily enough I still see to this day, Bev Audsley and Georgina Speight. Bev used to live on Chatsworth and I saw her regular, she was like one of the lads at the time, but ten times more attractive, Georgina was my rival in class; we would vie for top marks in ever subject. George was very sporty, and attractive - more of them later.

Most mornings I would leap out of bed, eyes wide open and ready to experience whatever that day would bring. I was always off early, this meant we could have a game of footy before the bell went for assembly, I didnt realize at this time how much football would influence and affect my adolescent life.

The day I was chosen to be school football team captain was the best day of my life, it felt so good. Looking back I can relate to these people that conquer Everest thats what I felt like, I felt like I had reached the summit, it was great and I was

41 only ten years old I felt like I had been picked for England. Shortly after this we were playing at New Park School in Harrogate in a schools friendly, after the match a guy came up to me and asked if I would be interested in playing for Harrogate Schoolboys and possibly for Yorkshire. I was absolutely ecstatic and went on to play for them both after trials at Woodfield School.

Unfortunately there was also, apart from my footballing talent, another underlying side to my make up that really hadnt shown its face until about the age of ten and that was a temper, a very quick temper, as things got more serious and competitive the temper got worse and in later years was to cost me a lot more than the odd booking or sending off.

It was about this time that I had my first encounter with the opposite sex. Because of my footballing abilities and reputation I seemed to attract the girls and everywhere I went, even playing soccer in the playground I attracted an audience of giggling girls.

One night Mike and a few of the other lads, Col, Steve, Barney, Barnsy and me were kicking around the old derelict swimming baths when we saw these two lasses that Barney knew, he was twelve, so were they. Barney called to them through one of the smashed windows and waved them in. They came in the old changing rooms, still in their school uniforms, short skirts and white blouses, we all sat

43 on one of those benches in the middle of the cubicle aisles near where the water gulleys go down either side.

After a while of talking absolute rubbish and pushing each other around as kids do to show bravado and gain some sort of cred with the opposite sex, Barney walked into a cubicle and beckoned the taller of the two in. I was amazed she just walked straight in and the door closed, we could hear what was going on, shuffling clothes and kissing, the other girl stood up and got hold of Mikes hand, she led him into a cubicle on the other side. The rest of us couldnt believe it and we sat there quieter than we had ever been in our lives

listening to every sound. After a while Barney appeared and we could see the girl tucking her blouse in. Barney said eh Cog get in there I didnt know what to do and then her head appeared round the door Are you Cogdon? It was obvious she knew the name, I nodded somewhat embarrassed which was most unlike me. Come on then your turn, she said. I remember my knees trembling but I was excited I stepped forward and before I knew it I was in the cubicle. The door closed and she put my hand up her skirt. This was quite an experience, I remember I was trembling, then all of a sudden there was a bang on the door and this deep mans voice said Come on out of there! God I shit myself, I quickly pulled my hand to my side and opened the door, stood in front of me

45 was a copper.

I didnt know what to do or say. He asked what we were doing and the first thing that came into my head was Postmans Knock it was said without trying. The others were lined up against the tiled wall and another copper was taking their names and addresses. We were told that we would be reported for trespassing and that our parents would be notified. For weeks after that I lay at night wondering if tomorrow was going to be the day when they knocked on the door, I never said a word to Mum or Dad I just prayed every night that they wouldnt come they never did.

Before I knew it, it was time to move up to senior school, I chose to go to Granby High School mainly because most of my mates were going there. The school had a reputation and all the likely lads opted for Granby, it was September 1971 when I arrived at registration, unfortunately my reputation had arrived before me. It was a reputation of a hard case, good footballer and just like some of my opponents from other schools a bit of a lad. This made the first few weeks a little difficult as all the other hard cases from other schools were also vying for their place in the pecking order.

Everyone that thought they could - had a go in the first few weeks and as they fell others queued for their turn or decided against it for the better. It didnt

47 take too long and not too many bruises on my part to make my mark. Whilst all this was going on there were adults taking notice the teachers and Headmaster, so before I knew it I was a marked man.

All my best mates were a year ahead of me, there were five of us in total, we were inseparable. Kev Barnes, Mike Styles, Steve Gill, Col and myself. Barnsy and Mike were to come to a sticky end but I will tell you about them later. For now all that is important is that we all had one thing in common, we were fascinated by football, violence and the skinhead cult.

Skinheads
It wasnt long before all five of us had gone and got our heads shaved at Denniss, this was THE barber to go to - all the Skins went there, it was also the place to hang out, it didnt matter if you had to wait an hour it was the place to be. God knows why because anyone can shave a head, but Dennis did it better he knew the best place to shave the parting, any excuse but Dennis was the in Barber. If you were lucky some of the older Skins were there, the Bilton Red Harrington Boys just talking to them was a major status provider,

Back at school the teachers werent too impressed

49 and I had much different ideas about school uniform. We had to wear black trousers and shoes, so I wore black Levi Staypress and Black Dr Martens. We were supposed to wear a white shirt so I wore any colour Ben Sherman that was ironed.The black blazer was substituted for a red Harrington and so I was adopted by the Bilton Boys as their apprentice-come-mascot, they were all 15 and16 years old and I was 12. Later I was to go to Elland Road every week with them.

One of the first lads I was introduced to was Paul Widnall, Paul was a really nice lad and welcomed me with open arms, it was Paul that first introduced me to the hierarchy, the older members. Paul was to become, in later years my best friend, my best

man and I thought at that time a friend for life. More of Paul later.

Within weeks of joining Granby I had a reputation that far exceeded the one I had arrived with, wherever there was trouble my name was dragged into it, sometimes deservedly and the other times, well what can I say, although I was never far away. It was good though, the elder lads respected me, I got to play in their games of football at break in the top yard, this is where the best of the best got to play and I was in in with the boys.

It was also about this time I met a lad called Kev Dodds we were fun wrestling on the field opposite Webbs Farm and John Yarwood arrived with this

51 little Geordie lad, Kev turned out to be one of my best friends throughout my teenage years. We had so many laughs together and his mum Rose was like a second mum to me. I spent many hours, days and nights round at their house, in fact Paul, Barnsey, and most of the other lads I mention through these years treated Kevs house as the meeting place before we went anywhere. Rose was great the more the merrier as far as she was concerned. Rose also took in foster children so as you can imagine the house was 24 hour mayhem. We were always welcome even on a Sunday morning at 8.30. I would go as far as to say we were one big happy family for years and Rose did so much for the benefit of kids with no parents or homeless kids she was an absolute angel to

everyone. Mind you if we were out of order she would also give us a right crack. Both Rose and Kev were hilarious, they really loved a good laugh and we spent many hours doing that as well. I used to be in fits just laughing at them two laughing, they would laugh that much they would literally be crying and you know how infectious laughter is. One day Kev was sitting on the arm of the chair and he farted within a second his little brother Leslie came through the door he must have been about five years old at the time, Kev stood up and said to Leslie Smell this chair Leslie being so young did and then started retching by which time everyone in the room including Rose was in stitches which made poor little Leslie burst into tears, what a scream that was. It goes without saying the years to

53 come in their company were some of the best years of my life.

Along with this notoriety came the attention yet again from the girls, but these girls were 14, 15 and 16 and I was just a first year - now this was a different story, these girls were mature they had tits and shape, they were women to me. The attention was incredible and I spent more and more time walking different girls home, It was fantastic, I just couldnt understand why.

One night on the way home I was with two girls I really liked, Teresa and Carol, they were third years, which would make them 14years old, they asked me if I wanted to go to Bilton Youth Club with

them. Well do bears shit in the woods? Bilton Youth Club was the only place to go and all the older gang members went there, anyone who was anyone went to Bilton. I was delighted and accepted with great gusto. The membership requirement was 14 years minimum but they didnt even question my application. I was really making inroads and what was even better, people were accepting me even though I was years their junior.

So that was that, I was a fully fledged member of the Club and was becoming more and more accepted as the weeks went by.

55 I started going out with all the girls and was in popular demand, mostly innocent at first, then I met Sarah. She was 14 and very attractive, we saw each other a couple of times at Bilton and then one weekend we all decided to meet at Lindys caf bar in Harrogate town centre. When Sarah arrived we were playing the pinball machine, me and Kev, it was quite a nice day and we were running out of money, when someone in the crowd suggested that we went to the Valley Gardens. This is the centre piece of Harrogates horticulture gardens, paddling pools, golf course and woodland walk area through the trees to Birk Cragg. Everyone agreed that this would be a good idea so off we went.

We messed around in the gardens as teenagers do, playing on the kiddie swings and paddling in the pool, splashing each other and eventually getting completely soaked. Once we were bored with that we decided to go up to the Pine Woods. The sun was blazing by now and we found a nice clearing to lie down and dry off a bit. There were about eight of us there that day, Sarah, Steve, Kev, Col, Angie who Col was seeing at the time, Mike, Hendy, Spot, and his girlfriend who I didnt know. We were all laid out in this clearing soaking up some sun and drying out. Sarah and I were kissing and rolling around laughing. Col and Angie got up and said they were going for a walk, so Sarah and I went with them through the woods. We were just sauntering in front and then I remember being aware that Col and

57 Angie had disappeared, they had sneaked off in to the bushes. We carried on walking for a while, then Sarah stopped, holding my hand she started walking backwards into the thicket. My heart started pumping I knew by the look in her eye what she wanted to do I was really nervous. It took only a few steps before we were totally surrounded by thick bushes and not visible from the path. We lay down and started to kiss. I was so excited and nervous, I knew this was it, the worst part was getting her wet jeans off, it seemed like an eternity and by then I was wondering whether this was a good idea or not, Sarah had different ideas and that was that. It was an awful experience fumbling around, not sure what I was doing and afterwards the worst feeling you could imagine I felt so guilty, I hardly looked at

Sarah all the way back into town. The relief was immense as I saw her to her bus and waived her goodbye. I had arranged to see Sarah again the next day I couldnt go I just felt ashamed and guilty, it was horrible.

What made it worse was all the questions from the lads, What was it like?, Was it good? God I wished I had never done it. A couple of days past and Sarah had tried to phone me several times, I just kept telling Mum to tell her I was out.

I remember it was on the Tuesday night, I had just got in from school and there was a knock at the back door, Mum was in the kitchen and answered, Jonathan its for you I got up from the settee

59 expecting it to be one of the lads but when I got to the door Sarah was standing there looking at me, Christ I nearly died, I quickly stepped out of the house and walked swiftly down the path so as to get Sarah away from the house and earshot of my Mum. Sarah was upset and felt that I had used her; I was upset because it wasnt what I thought it would be and when Sarah said to me that she might be pregnant I nearly shit myself there and then. I didnt know that it took weeks to find out I just thought bugger thats it Im done for now. I told Sarah I would see her the following day and retreated at a rapid pace back into the house. My mind was in sheer panic, all sorts racing through my brain. Oh my God what if she is pregnant? That put me off girls for a couple of months so I

tried to concentrate on my football and knocking around with the lads, this seemed to be the best remedy at the time. It goes without saying that Sarah wasnt pregnant and I never went out with her again.

The lads and I got up to all sorts of things around this time, we were experimenting with all aspects of life, wherever there was an opportunity we would take it. Buying bottles of cider before going to the youth club and getting really drunk, smoking, and Steve was weapons mad he had a great collection of knives and guns, you know, air pistols and rifles. We had some major laughs with them, one day we were knocking about and Steve started going on about his latest purchase, a brand new .22 air rifle

61 that was loads more powerful than the others he owned. Col said that this was a load of crap and that all air rifles were the same. We went to Steves house to have a look at it, Mike, Kev and me were major impressed but Col was forever the doubter and always put things down, he was adopted and didnt get the same sort of things we did from our parents.

One day I christened Col Second-hand Col on the basis that when his parents got him he was secondhand and everything he wore was second-hand. Everyone pissed themselves laughing apart from Col of course, it was a bastard thing to say but he was pissing me off at the time. Col had a chip on his shoulder and never let us forget it. Back at

Steves house, Col and Steve were arguing about the rifle, we were sick of it. Mike said to Col If the rifles so crap why dont you let Steve shoot you with it and we will see? OK, was the reply and we were all laughing as Col prepared himself to be shot. He wrapped a towel around his back and then put on his Levi jacket; on top of that he put my old Sheepskin coat and went down the yard. We were all upstairs hanging out of the window, Steve had loaded the gun and shouted Col to let him know when he was ready. Col took a few more steps; he was about 20yds away when he shouted OK. In a split second there was a loud bang, a scream and Col fell to the floor, then he got up and started running around shouting and screaming "You bastards! How we laughed. We all ran downstairs

63 to see the effect. Col came in the house still shouting and very red faced, as he stripped we could see the pellet had gone through the sheepskin, then the Levi jacket, then the towel, through his shirt and was embedded in his back, he was bleeding and his back was swollen, We were all still laughing, I said We need to operate on you Col and get it out.

We got him in the bathroom and removed the pellet with a razor blade and Steves Mums eyebrow tweezers. It goes without saying that Col was pretty convinced that Steves new gun was powerful. We laughed for ages about this and every time Col got a monk on we used to tell him to shut the fuck up or we would shoot him again.

We were always around at Steves house, it was the meeting place, plus Steves Mum was always out at work so it was a safe haven when we nicked off school. We were there one Saturday morning waiting for Steve to get ready as usual. Mike, Barnsy, me and Great Uncle Stan were all sat in the lounge. Great Uncle Stan must have been a hundred and ninety nine years old, it took him half an hour to walk up to the local working mens club which was no more than two hundred yards, he was very frail, hunched backed and glasses that were thicker than milk bottles. Steve came in and started to put his boots on, then all of a sudden Steves Mum came barging in holding a pair of tiny crusty panties in the air, Who the bloody hell do these belong to? She was raging, her face was

65 scarlet, Steve said,Mum, there nothing to do with me, Well there not bloody well mine Steven, it was getting pretty serious Steve and his Mum were exchanging fierce words and we were just sat there, as the row got to a climax Great Uncle Stan sat forward and said, Dont look at me. I was in fits, we all were, Steves Mum stormed into the dining room still screaming blue murder and Steve was running after her insisting on his innocence, we meanwhile, were still in absolute stitches, there was tears running down our faces, it was so funny, we all had visions of Stan with a dolly bird, it would have killed him. Steve maintains to this day that he had no idea where they came from, in fact I asked him about it again recently and he said it must have been one of

us when we took girls there on the odd occasion. One of lifes unsolved mysterys.

Most of the lads went every Saturday to see Leeds play and when I was asked one night at the club if I wanted to go with them I was over the moon, this would be my initiation into years of adventure, violence, camaraderie and comradeship.

I had been to Elland Road previously with my Dad when I was very young, about six years old I think and then again a couple of times with Dave Fawcett from down the street, he was much older and a very sensible lad.

I didnt realize how different it would be going with a

67 crew of skinheads from Harrogate, we met at the train station early so as to get in the Red Lion Pub for when the away supporters arrived, apparently this was the norm. When we got into Leeds, Caff said he wanted to do some shopping and led us into the precinct. Caff was the eldest of three brothers, Caff (Ian), Gordon and Gary, the Mchaffie brothers, they were fantastic lads, I had known Gordon and Gary for years, but was never as close to them as I would be from this day on. Caff was looking at a loafer shoe on the stand outside the shop, we went inside to have a look at the latest American Heavies, the latest fashion craze, they were a heavy leather shoe with lattice on the front and leather soles very nice but expensive. As we walked out of the shop Caff

joined us again and we carried on down the road, he turned to me and asked what size shoe I was, Six I replied, Good he said heres a loafer.

I burst out laughing and looked at the shoe it was really smart, Caff then said Come on we need to find another Barrats so I can get Cog the right one. Sure enough Caff managed to get the other shoe to make the pair. As soon as we got to the Red Lion I threw away my old Martens and slipped on a brand new pair of loafers courtesy of Caff. Now I really was one of the lads, my Mum could never have afforded a pair of these.

Once in the pub we sat down and everyone was talking about the game and how many supporters

69 they would bring. We were playing Everton. Last year they brought loads according to Quinnie, he was one of the eldest and hardest. The whole idea of waiting for the away supporters to arrive was to goad them and if we got chance, charge their ranks and give them a good kicking. I must admit at the age of 12 I was very nervous at the thought of fighting 16 and 17 year old Scousers. I took a gulp of my beer and listened to the account of the week before at Wolverhampton and the stories of who did what and how many each member of the gang managed to kick, punch or even better beat up.

By this time the pub was bursting with Leeds fans, very smokey and very loud - everyone talking over each other to get their bit in about the last game or

the last battle with other fans, the atmosphere was intense and expectation levels running high. I was on my second pint when the faint sound of chanting could be heard, the door opened and yet more lads came in Theyre here! a voice shouted. Immediately everyone got up in the pub and spilled into the road and round the corner facing the Tower, these were the steps that the away supporters had to come down to catch the buses to the football ground.

The Scarborough pub spilled out onto the road, there must have been a crew of about 500 lads, the chanting got louder as the Everton fans came through the station, the first couple of coppers

71 appeared at the bottom of the steps, then the dog handlers, then the clamour of boots, chanting, shouting, swearing, God I thought how many of them are there? It was getting deafening, it was like the first scenes in bloody Zulu, then the first lot appeared, Blue and White everywhere Skinheads with cherry red Doc Martens, rolled up Levi Jeans, big lads, some of them twice my size.

I looked on amazed, did all these lads around me really fancy having a go at this lot? The answer to that was about to be revealed as the lads in front charged the first of the Everton fans, fighting broke out all over the road, more and more Everton fans funnelled through the gate, the few police were helpless, it was mayhem I had never seen anything

on this scale before, there were lads behind me pushing me forwards into them Christ what should I do? I turned to try and go back when all of a sudden Caff smacked me in the face, his own face distorted with anger Get stuck in you little shit - you cant bottle it now lad.

I didnt know which was worse being beaten up by Everton fans or letting your mates down and getting beaten up by them, so I just charged in, I jumped on this blokes back I just started punching his head as fast and as hard as I could, he pulled me off like a rag doll and hit me once. I felt my shoulder tear as I hit the tarmac, I couldnt see out of my left eye, I was picked up and dragged back to the safety of the opposite pavement. The police reinforcements

73 had arrived and the fracas had ceased. Rocky still had hold of my bloodied shirt, my shoulder was badly grazed and my cheek and nose were cut and bleeding. There was a slap on my back Well done you little shit it was Caff. It seemed like I had done OK and the lads were pleased with my first outing.

That night we got back to the local and everyone in turn told there account of the days events, some in much more graphic details than others, I was the brunt of some jokes as I had been clobbered and had the marks to prove it.

It didnt take long before I was there week in week out, home and away, and making more and more friends, there was a right crew of us. We were

mostly from Bilton and New Park, but there were lads from all over Harrogate. Kev Dodds, Tony Hastings, Paul, Mark Smithson, Rich, the Mchaffie brothers, Rocky, Dougie Kaye, Welchie, Webbie, young Webbie (Jeff), Mick McCaul, Shagger, Mick, Barnsy, Geoff Howarth, Quinnie, Blackie, Shozzie and a host of others. Steve, Col and Mick werent into football as much as we were, although they did come to the odd game. Some of the gang I became very close to, others were classed as mates and if called upon you would stand by their shoulder and fight with them. One lad Mark Smithson who was in my year at school, he was a real card, and at this time he was a scrawny kid that just hung around but he was a real laugh. As time went by Mark grew and filled out a bit but more importantly he was a

75 game boy, it was all a laugh to him but he could scrap, he was fast, very fast, I thought I was fast at this time but Mark was lightening. I still see him around now and hes still going to football and still a good laugh, if it ever kicks off big time, Mark is a good lad to have around.

It soon became the trend especially with our mob not to wear any colours and go to the games really smart. Instead of wearing Levis and boots we wore two tone trousers and royals or loafers, sheepskins or crombies. Then we went in the oppositions end. We would stand there and say nothing, then as soon as we scored we would chant Leeds right in the middle of the opposition fans, of course this

always started a major battle and the police would come piling in to get us out. Then we would be escorted back to the Leeds Fans round the side of the pitch. Our reputation among the Leeds fans grew and grew it was our way of making a statement and looking for glory at the same time. We became famous for it and then other gangs started to join us like the Lads from Harehills in Leeds, we became a team, this is where the infamous Service Crew started life. It was so exciting to be part of it at such a young age. There were times when we didnt always come off best; we went to Nottingham in 1973 on a Murgatroyds coach painted in the Leeds Colours. When we arrived in Nottingham we parked at the Cattle Market over the Trent Bridge and arrived well

77 early about 11.30 as I remember. As we pulled into the car park there were about 50 Forest fans hanging around, when they saw the coach they started throwing bricks at us. We leapt out of our seats and clambered to get out and give them a good kicking they were game boys and advanced towards us. What they didnt know was that 2 minutes behind us there were two full cars full of our hardest, Blackie, Shozzie, Quinnie, Jules, Webbie, and a few others. As they came closer we charged at them, when they turned to run, the two cars had already screeched to a halt and all the lads had piled out, they were stuck in the middle. Most of them who had not run at first got a real kicking; we were to pay for this later.

We decided that we would make our way to the train station and meet the football special coming in from Leeds, we were a bit thin on the ground, as there were a few normal lads on the coach so we were only about 40 strong including the car crew. As we walked towards the general direction of the station, we were all already pumped up and the adrenaline was kicking in after the mornings events, we must have been about 500 yards from the Station entrance when we walked straight into a mob of Forest fans; they had the same idea meeting the Leeds fans off the train.

There must have been about 250 of them. We were instantly sussed because of the clothes we wore;

79 they were two years behind us in fashion. They stopped about a hundred yards away and started throwing stuff at us; bricks and bottles Quinnie and Webbie were saying, Dont run we can make it through them to the Station. At this moment in time I thought theyd lost it completely the chances of getting through that lot alive was nil, anyway we kept walking towards them, dodging the bricks and bottles that were raining down on us. Webbie shouted Get em! and started to run at them. Everyone followed, this was suicide I had no choice, I was hoping just to get through them unscathed I ran down the side of the wall, Geoff and Mick McCaul were behind me, we were split from the others they were taking the main flack in the middle of the road lashing out as they ran the

gauntlet.

We were being kicked and punched as we ran, stay on your feet, stay on your feet I kept saying to myself. I knew if I went down that would be it. I looked on in front there was just a wall of them, I had no where to go. Then suddenly the high wall stopped and a lower wall started I just jumped over it. It was a railway bridge I landed on the banking and rolled down towards the line, Geoff and Mick had followed and was tumbling down after me. I was on all fours, when I looked up they were still throwing bricks at us and climbing over the wall. The bastards were still coming!

We ran over the lines and up the other banking,

81 over a fence into an alley, there was a load of high gates and fencing. I tried the first one, no joy, Mick passed me, tried the second, no go, Geoff tried the third, it opened we rushed in and closed the gate behind us. Panting, sweating, we were in someones back yard. Geoff just ran up to the back door opened it and ran in the house, Mick and I followed. We were confronted by an old lady, we were babbling, all of us, but she got the gist of what we were trying to get out. She was great she went down the path locked the gate at the back, came back in, and drew the curtains at the front. I think you boys could do with a cup of tea, she said and promptly went into the kitchen and filled the kettle.

We could hear the sound of hundreds of feet

running past the front as the door opened straight on to the street, they were no doubt at the back as well. We sat there next to each other on the settee, nobody saying a word, we were all trembling, if they had got us we would have been dead meat. After shakily gulping down the tea and eating some of her home made bikkies, she said that she would go see if the coast was clear. It was, so we nervously walked out onto the street and made our way towards the ground.

Before long we were on the main drag and there were lots of people about selling scarves, hot dogs, and supporters making their way to the stadium. Geoff bought a Forest scarf and wrapped it around his wrist; Mick and I were laughing our heads off,

83 although at the time I think we were both secretly grateful for his initiative. This wasnt a good day to go in the oppositions end, so by the time we had got in with the Leeds fans the others were already there, ripped clothes black eyes, boot marks all over them, they had survived but only just. The game passed without incident and Leeds won as usual, it was dark now, so getting back to the coach unscathed seemed feasible, how wrong I was.

As we left the ground we stayed together all of us and turned towards Trent Bridge, the roads were glistening under the street lights, it was raining, people were hustling past this way and that weaving in and out of the crowds, some going this way, some going that way, as we approached the

bridge, we realized that the road was lined with hundreds of Forest Fans, just stood looking as we passed.

We split up and tried to mingle in with the main flow of people walking our way, it didnt work they were onto us like a ton of bricks as they came at us we had no option but to run. I saw them get Richy. They were banging his head against a car, I could see the blood diluted with the rain pouring down the bonnet, Shozzie stopped and turned back into them, I was running as fast as I could through the hordes of people when a boot hit me in the groin, the momentum of going forward carried me a few yards and I started to go down, just as I thought I was going to hit the road, a hand grabbed my collar

85 and pulled me up, it was Rocky. Run Cog fucking run! I managed to get my balance back and kept running. As we got to the coach park we were still in full flight, breathing really heavy, sweating like hell, the coach was there. We didnt wait for the others we just dived onto the coach and sat still breathing heavily and saying nothing for what seemed like ages.

As the rest of the lads started to arrive back bloodied and bruised, news of the ones that were missing arrived with them, Ray was last seen being thrown in the river Trent, Rich had been taken away in an ambulance, of Shozzie there was no news, then the coach door opened and one of the normal lads fell forward on to the steps, bleeding profusely

from his back, it became immediately apparent that he had been stabbed. We dragged him onto the coach he was shaking and shivering and just as the door closed, there was an almighty smash, the coach windscreen just dropped into a million pieces, Keith the driver went reeling backwards the brick had hit him square in the face, blood spurted as he turned holding his face, I couldnt see his hands for the blood. As we all jumped up we could see that we surrounded, not by hundreds but thousands of Forest Fans.

Bricks just started raining in I was at the back and had laid on the floor face down covering my head. The emergency exit door opened they were coming onto the coach, I jumped up and shouted

87 for help. The first head appeared and I lashed out with my boot catching him full in the face he fell back, another appeared Rocky hit him with a beer bottle that was left from the journey down, more bricks came pouring in, we were really in the shit. It seemed to go on for ages window after window, glass and bricks everywhere, the coach started to rock, the bastards were trying to tip us over. Everyone was shouting and screaming, they were trying to climb in through the broken windows and as we fought them off we were being bombarded with bricks. God get us out of here I was terrified I could feel the tears running down my cheeks, I just kept at my place near the emergency exit with Rocky kicking them out as they tried to get aboard the coach. Blue lights started to appear hazy and

fuzzed by the rain, dark shadows moving quickly in the dark, in seconds they were gone.

Police cars, vans ambulances and mounted police swamped the area, we were led off the coach Keith and Rob first as they were the worst injured, we were wrapped in blankets and put in the police vans.

We were all taken directly to hospital, I had five stitches in the side of my head, I dont know to this day how it happened, I was just bleeding at first I thought it might be someone elses blood on my shirt. News of Rob arrived he had a punctured lung, the stab wound was not life threatening, Rich was in one of the wards he had several broken ribs and

89 concussion, Ray had been fished out of the River and was being kept in for observation, no sign of Shozzie. We told the police he was missing, they put out a search for him. After all the lads that could travel had been given the all clear and stitched up we were then taken to the Police Headquarters where we had to make statements. Whilst this was going on Murgatroyds were sending a new coach from Harrogate for us. It was now about 1.30am and I remember being so tired, I couldnt have slept even if I had tried. My mind kept going over every second of the onslaught it was like all my worst nightmares rolled into one.

Eventually the replacement coach arrived and we set off on the two hour journey back to Harrogate.

The police had phoned all our parents and wifes so they knew what had happened. Robs parents were on their way by car to Nottingham, he was in intensive care. Still no word on Shozzie.

By the time Monday morning came around everyone had heard what had happened, it was all over the tabloids and the school was buzzing, everyone stopping me to find out from the horses mouth, was it all true? Everyone who was at Granby and was on that bus became a hero overnight, even the teachers asked us to give our account of the event, every lesson I went to there were questions. The English teacher set our weeks project, the subject was What did you do at the weekend! That was her way of finding out. It went

91 on for ages. Oh, by the way, Shozzie had made his escape and hitched a lift with another coach; he was back in Harrogate before we had even left the police station.

There were many more occasions like this, thankfully most not as bad, we much preferred to be dishing it out rather than receiving it. You know it really makes me laugh when these psychologists talk about football hooliganism and broken homes and deprived backgrounds. All the lads that I know are tradesmen, civil servants, professionals, even today, they still go at the ripe ages of 50yrs, still meet in the same pubs. They leave their three bed semis on a Saturday morning say bye to the wife,

mostly the kids have grown up now and go out and look for a ruck for the day. These blokes do it because they love it, they grew up doing it and they still get a great kick out of it.

Life was becoming more exciting, by the day, much more interesting, I didnt have time to do half the things I wanted to do, I had Bilton Youth Club, playing football, going to the matches, and it didnt take me long to get interested in the girls again. Everywhere I went, there was someone interested, the really nice ones I played it cool with, the others I just used, looking back, it wasnt a healthy way to grow up, as I had no respect for them. I wouldnt like my son to treat girls the way I did.

93 Every day was still a great adventure and something seemed to happen on a regular basis to make Cogdon the biggest talking point in the school yard, Bilton Youth Club and the Friday night disco in town. If it wasnt fighting, it was who they thought I was going out with, or whom I had been seen with, or even what I had done in class or on the football pitch. Notoriety had found me!

Trouble in the Teens

Trouble was never far away and my first brush with the law came at the age of thirteen. We were in town and had been to the cinema, as we ( Steve, Mike and Col that is), walked around the corner, I literally walked straight into the biggest creep in school, he was sixteen and very tall about 6ft his name was Paul Sugden, he pushed me aside.

This creep was a prefect and the biggest grass going, he would report you for anything, I swung out with my boot and caught him in the groin, Mike moved in leave it Mick, hes mine as I hit him on the back of his head, he doubled up, I kneed him in the face, there was a dull crack and his nose

95 opened like splitting a pea pod. Blood poured onto the pavement, he was spitting blood out and made a gurgling sound, I thought he was choking on his own blood, I kicked him again this time in the ribs and he dropped to the floor. Cog come on get out of here I cant remember who said it, I turned and started to run down a side street, the others followed. Nice one said Steve did you see his nose split?

The others were enthused and rambled on about the first kick and then how I had dropped him with the second. We made our way home and said our farewells; I turned off down Kings Road and went home.

Luckily Mum and Dad were in the Lounge, (Gran was now in an old peoples home near where Rich lived down Woodfield), I shot upstairs and put on a clean pair of jeans as the others were covered in splashes of blood. Having got changed I made a cuppa and popped my head in the lounge bidding my parents goodnight. It was at about 11.30 p.m. when Dad woke me, he said, You better come downstairs, half asleep, I followed wondering what was going on. There were two policemen in the lounge, they asked my parents if they could take me to the station and ask me some questions about an assault, my Mum and Dad said yes, little did I know at the time, that this really should not have been allowed to happen, I was only thirteen for Gods sake.

97

The Police interviewed me and charged me with assault, causing actual bodily harm. It would have been pointless trying to deny it, so I just told them the whole story. It was hilarious the day we went to court, there stood Sugden 6ft tall, and I was about 5ft 5ins at the time, he must have felt a right plank. I was fined eighty pounds and ordered to keep the peace for one year. It wasnt too bad, I expected the whole thing to be much more of an ordeal. Sugdens life wasnt worth living after the incident, all the older lads in his year from Bilton gave him real shit, Ill bet the last six months of school life was like eternal hell for him. It was a relentless campaign to terrorize him, whats more I had no comeback because it wasnt me that was doing it.

Mum and Dad were not at all impressed by any of this and I was made to feel really guilty for the next few weeks, I did my best to stay out of their way, the last thing I wanted was to be reminded every day that I was the first Cogdon to bring the police to the door.

So life went on and there was always a fight, a girl or a dance to talk about, I just carried on and accepted that this was part of life, I didnt know any different, after all it was all new to me and you tend to take things as they come. The Wigan Scene As I spent more and more evenings at Bilton, I started to get interested in music and dancing, it turned out that I was very good, I was never short

99 of a girl to dance with.

Motown and Northern Soul were the favourites at the time especially at the club, it was our type of music, greasers and bikers would listen to rock, we listened to soul. I got a job at the Cairn Hotel washing dishes on a night; I needed this to fund all the things that I wanted to do, Mum and Dad helped where they could, with fashionable clothes and stuff but there was no way that they could afford to pay for me to go to London to watch Leeds play. I did this for a while but it really was cramping my style, I was missing out on too much.

One night after school the answer arrived, I was playing in a pre-season friendly for Starbeck, after

the game this bloke came over to Johno and I and asked if he could have our phone numbers to speak to our parents. It turned out that this bloke was a scout for Leeds Celtic who were one of the main feeder teams for Leeds United youth teams.

Within a week Johno and I had signed for Leeds Celtic and how my life was to change. We both got to leave school early twice a week for training and whats more we got a brown envelope once a week with our expenses in. We got fifteen quid a week each, all my mates were working as apprentices at the time and they were only getting five or six quid for a full weeks work. This meant I could give up my job at the Cairn and have money to go out we were loaded.

101

It wasnt long before I was out every night of the week, different girls, money to take them wherever they wanted to go youth club, pictures, fairground - it was great. I had made it Johno and I were the king pins wherever we went.

We even got a mention from the Headmaster in assembly, which was favourable, whereas normally it would be a summons to his office to be punished for something I had done the day before.

Life now, was about as good as it could get money, girls, football, what more could a thirteen year old want?

Well as I said earlier, I had become very interested in Northern Soul, when I had worked at the Cairn and where I met Mick Harris, a chef from Scarborough. He was really into Northern Soul and had spent many an hour telling me about allnighters at Wigan Casino. One day whilst we were knocking around town I happened to bump into Mick, we chatted for a while and then he asked me if I fancied going to Wigan that weekend. I said yes without even thinking, so we arranged to meet at the Painted Wagon pub at 7.30 pm on the Saturday night.

Leeds were at home on Saturday, so I would have enough time to get the train back to Harrogate, get

103 changed and meet Mick. No problem, apart from Mum and Dad, would they let me go or should I just say I was staying at Steves for the night? Steves was the safest option, because if I asked and they said no then there would be no way I could go.

So, the deed was done and I met all the Northern Soul lads in the Painted Wagon, they were a good bunch. It was a great night and we had a real laugh in the mini bus, all the way there and back. There was one thing that bothered me everyone was taking tablets, I was offered them by numerous people, they said that they keep you awake and you can dance all night. I was told by Mum from an early age never to take drugs and it must have sunk in because I turned them down. It was speed that

the lads and lasses were taking and I saw with my own eyes the after effects, for later on the Sunday as we neared Harrogate the entire bus was very subdued. This was known as coming down, some of the lads just kept taking more thus to avoid the depression of coming down.

I continued to go to Wigan and lots of other allnighters for quite some time and was accepted by all the people not just from Harrogate but from all over England. What really did it though was when I went to an all-nighter at Leeds Queens Hall and a photograph of me, right at the front of the crowd when Major Lance was on stage was published in the Blues and Soul magazine, from then on everywhere I went people came up to me saying

105 Ive seen you picture, it was quite good really because I met loads of people through that. Paul and Barnsy started to come with us and really got into it in a big way; they were into speed and the whole scene. I could see it taking over their lives. I was far too fickle to let anyone thing rule my life, so it was easy for me to take it or leave it. I still knocked around with them when it suited me, but I had too many good options to let one thing dominate me.

As my teenage years went by so did the girls and the fights and the football, that first season for Leeds Celtic was incredible, we won everything and whats more convincingly. We never won a game with less than six goals difference, some games we

won 14 0. It was the best team they had ever put together. The next season was to be a different story, I started to miss training, taking girls out and going to the pub was a far more attractive proposition.

This was to be my downfall as a Leeds Celtic player, I survived the season, along with warning after warning and after we had been presented with all our medals by Billy Bremner and Alan Clarke at Leeds Town Hall, my days there were over. At the time I wasnt bothered I had too much to do, I was enjoying my life too much. I have often wondered on many occasions what might have been if I had towed the line and put as much effort into football as I did my ego and reputation.

107

School was becoming a drag and in three years I had gone from the top form to the third form, I couldnt be bothered. One day, we were messing around in the woodwork room throwing sawdust at each other.

I put some sawdust down one lads shirt, he turned and called me a fucking bastard, really nastily, you know with real venom. We were all doing the same, so I was surprised, I snapped and swung out with my right foot, I caught him in the mouth and it split wide open, his teeth had gone through his bottom lip. Just as this happened Simpson, the woodwork teacher came in the room he went berserk and he got someone to take Wrigglesworth to the nurse

and duly marched me off to the Headmasters Office. I tried to explain to the Headmaster, Mr Kimber, what had happened but he was intent on caning me. I felt that this was a major injustice, why should someone be able to get away with calling you something really nasty? I didnt deserve to be caned for this, Wrigglesworth had got his just reward.

The Headmaster ordered me to hold out my hand, he was, wiry, old and came from a public school background, grey faced and wrinkly. I refused point blank. He lunged forward and raised the cane above his head, his face had now got some colour having turned red with rage, as he came towards me. I snatched the cane from his hand, he was

109 shouting, I turned and hit the desk with the cane, it snapped, I said to him if anyone is going to get caned today, its gonna be you! I threw what was left of the cane at him and walked out of his office.

As I walked down the corridor the bell went to indicate a lesson change, so I went to my next lesson. About ten minutes into the lesson the door opened, Mr ORourke and Mr Goodall walked into the room, this was most unusual. Cogdon here growled ORourke, these were the two biggest and meanest teachers in the school. I got out of my seat and was frog marched back to Kimbers office. Kimber never said a word, he just handed me an envelope and turned away. Right cmon lad youre off the premises. The two heavies escorted me to

the school gate and duly saw me walk down the school lane and round the corner. The envelope was addressed to my Dad, I immediately ripped it open. It read something like Your son has been expelled from school for striking the Headmaster. The Board of Governors will decide how best to deal with this at their next meeting. Until that time Jonathan is not allowed anywhere near the school and should not attempt to set foot on school property. What a load of bollocks, I never touched Kimber!

I stuffed the letter in my pocket and headed for town, I knew where some of the lads would be.

As I entered the Montemarte Caf I saw Paul

111 Widnall in the back playing the pinny, he was with Jock. We spent the afternoon, playing on the pinball, Paul and Jock were in their last year at Grammar School, they rarely went, they couldnt be bothered, it wasnt long before term end and then freedom for the pair of them. They thought it was hilarious, that I had been expelled; all they could talk about was what we were going to do for the rest of the week.

That night I showed Mum the letter and told her what had happened, Mum was great, she would back me to the hilt. Her and Dad were to go to the meeting of the Governors and state my case, but that wasnt until the end of term in three weeks, so I got the last weeks off before summer break how

good was that!

Later that night, I went to Bilton, everyone surrounded me, they all wanted to know what had happened, rumours had been flying round school like wild fire. Yet again, I was the talking point of everyone, who knew me. So I had a good nine weeks to look forward to and enjoy the summer.

Lobsters
It was during this summer break that I had one of the worst experiences of my life, I had by now many experiences with the opposite sex, but nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen.

113 It was a red hot day, we were in the Painted Wagon having a few beers, there were quite a few of us, Paul, Steve, Barnsy, Mike, Col and a few others. We were talking to some older girls, one of whom used to live at the chippy down the back street, she was called Christine, I had always fancied her, but she was about three years older than me and went out with older lads. Anyway we were all having a laugh and everyone was enjoying themselves when time was called, in those days Pubs closed at three in the afternoon. We supped up and went up to the war memorial, we were sunbathing and I was getting on very well with Christine, Paul wasnt doing bad with Doreen either. After a while the girls said they were going back to their flat, they had some wine and cider there and asked us if we

wanted to go with them. Paul and I were straight in and off we went, the flat was in St Georges Road, only a ten minute walk over the Stray. Once there we had a couple of drinks and by this time I think we were all feeling the effects of the alcohol. Paul disappeared with Doreen into her room, it was obvious what they intended. I asked Christine if I could see her room, under the slender pretext of being interested in their flat, she knew what I was after. Christine had dark hair, olive skin and the best pair of tits I had ever seen, she was very mature and a good looking girl. I learned a few things that afternoon, things that the other girls didnt do, it was quite an eye opener and an education that helped to prepare me for my future liaisons with other women.

115

It was about a week later, we were at Winka Watsons house, his parents were away on holiday and we were all laid in the back sunning ourselves, I scratched my stomach, it was itching. I sat up and scratched more, there was a black spot so I squeezed it, like you would a blackhead, it came off my stomach and onto my finger, then to my sheer horror it moved. I nearly died. I never said a word, I jumped up and went to the bathroom and looked, there were loads of them in my pubic hair, God it was disgusting, I felt absolutely filthy, grabbing for the scissors I chopped away, then I thought for a while Paul, he would know. Paul only lived about half a mile away, so I went round to the public phone and called him. Luckily Paul was in, I

explained what had happened. He was hysterical, laughing and howling, I heard him shout Jock, he too was laughing. This really didnt help, as I was frantic. Paul said, Dont worry, its only lobsters, come down Ive got some lotion. What the hell are lobsters? I screamed, Crabs if theyre walking backwards Paul replied and burst into more laughter. Before ten minutes had passed, I was there, Paul gave me the lotion and I sat there for an hour while both Jock and Paul took the piss, big time! I was devastated After an hour I got in a hot bath and washed like I have never washed in my life. Then I put TCP all over my pubes and nuts, god that stung. It worked, but I am not sure the TCP was a good idea, for days afterwards, skin was dropping off me

117 like I had major dandruff, it was the skin that had been burned by the TCP. I have only ever seen Christine once since that day, it was in town and she avoided me like the plague, presumably in case I mentioned it in front of her friends. I have never forgotten that, I didnt even know things like that existed; in fact it still makes me itch thinking about it today. It was horrendous.

Life at home was always good; Mum did her best to make sure we had everything we wanted. By this time, Jennifer was married to a bloke in the RAF, Tom OBrien, he was OK, I didnt really have much to do with them. Joc by this time, had met Pete from down the back street, Pete was a biker, always, greasy and mucky, Dad hated him, how

things were to change. It wasnt long before Joc was pregnant and another wedding was on the cards. As the years passed, I got on very well with both brother-in-laws.

By the time the summer break was over, Mum and Dad had sorted the problem out with school and I was allowed to return at the beginning of the new term in September. This was going to be an uphill struggle, now, I was guilty before I had done anything. It got to the stage where I just didnt turn up for lessons, I used to send messages via other pupils to each subject teacher saying that if they wanted me I was in the art room. I was to spend practically all my time there in the last two years. Alf

119 Common the art teacher was my saviour. Alf and I got on very well, he saw the potential in my ability and encouraged me to develop it.

He pushed me into taking on paintings I didnt think I could do, gave me sets of watercolour and oil that he had bought out of his own pocket for his use, he was fantastic. The only lessons I went to, were lessons where the teachers were fair to me. Technical drawing, woodwork, English, football and art, of course. I excelled in all these subjects; consequently the teachers backed me to the hilt. Its amazing how different one responds when there is interest and encouragement. That particular year passed without any further major confrontations with the disciplinarians at school. As soon as school

finished I was off to meet whoever, girls, lads, youth clubs, I was more interested in my social life, I had loads of mates and just took every day as it came.

Wherever we went, we knew people, different clubs, dances, pubs, whats-more people wanted to be in our company, so the circle got bigger and got to the stage where if you went in the Painted Wagon every table would be full of lads and lasses, to an outsider, it would appear just like a very popular pub, small groups of people enjoying themselves, the reality was the entire pub was full of us lot.

It was split on two levels and if there were a hundred in the pub you could guarantee eighty

121 were part of our mob. Over the years a lot of outsiders found this to their cost.

One night a coach load of Rugby players came in. After a while they got louder and louder, as they drank more and more. One bloke decided he would grab Gordons birds arse, after all there were only three lads sitting at the table with one girl, when Gordon moved the entire Pub jumped in, a sea of lads from the upper seating area spilling down into the mle, bodies flying everywhere, Gary put a chair leg through the door handles so no-one could get out or in for that matter.

They took a right battering, as they managed to make their way to the doors and free them, Gary shouted to me, he was holding Gordons face, there was blood everywhere, his cheek was hanging off, some bastard had stuck a sleeve glass in his face. We ran out and waved a cab down, the driver took one look at Gord and said , No-way, hes not getting in my car Gary got hold of his hair and smashed his head against the door, Hospital now! Gary barked, we jumped in the cab and got Gordon into A&E. Hes still got the scars to this day, it was a very nasty gash, sort of semi circular round his eye and then across towards his ear. It looked a real mess a few days afterwards, what with the stitches and dried blood. Gordon took this in his stride, when people saw him that hadnt heard, he would

123 say with a wry smile, Just another night out with the boys and laugh - thats Gord all over. During the time we used the Painted Wagon there were many more outsiders to fall into the same trap.

In the years to come our bonds got grew we were a team and spent many hours in each others company. We started going to a nightclub called the Intercon in the centre of Harrogate, it wasnt long before that became, as had the Painted Wagon, our Manor. If we wanted to see anyone we knew they would be in one of those two, both were our haunts and meeting places. It was in the Intercon that I met a girl, who was about to change my life and more importantly my

outlook on life. Her name was Julia Linford. Granby had just turned into a Comprehensive School and we were joined with the school next door, Harrogate High School, it turned out that Julia went to the High School, we were to become the best known couple in school. I will never forget how I felt that night when I met her, she was with one of my ex girlfriends Sally, it was Sal that introduced us and both were what we called posh birds they came from wealthy backgrounds and most people thought that us commoners from Granby were beneath them, it turned out that loads of us lads from Granby ended up with all the posh birds. I think they were fascinated by us, because they were used to the ponces in their school and had never met the likes of us before.

125

Anyway, we spent all-night talking at the club, it was never ending, interesting, stimulating, I had never experienced this before. At the end of the night I danced with Julia and asked if I could take her out, she agreed and I arranged to see her at school the next day. I was ecstatic, that night all I could think about was this gorgeous blonde girl that I had met and how interesting and funny she was. The next morning I was up at the crack of dawn, shaved, best clothes on, that didnt even resemble school uniform and off to school. I saw Julia at break, lunch, afternoon break and after school I walked her into town. We never stopped laughing and talking, we went for a coffee and carried on talking, then all too soon it was time for her bus. I

suggested that I walk her home and she agreed. Neither of us wanted to part.

We walked up West Park and stopped in a bus shelter, it was dark now and very miserable, we didnt care. We held each other and kissed, it was incredible, I had never ever thought a kiss could be so tender, warm, exciting and horny, all rolled into one. We must have kissed for an hour. I was desperate not to let her go, then she asked me if I would like to go round to the flat that she lived in with her mum that night. Yes, we kissed more, then more, finally we parted and arranged to meet later at the flat. On the way home I skipped like a child, I was so happy, I really had never felt like this in my life before, I was so happy I felt sick.

127

Changed and ready to go, I had enough money for a packet of cigs and a bottle of wine, I was way early but what the hell, I set off, God, I was so excited I couldnt wait to see her again, nobody had ever made me feel like this. After taking half an hour choosing a bottle of wine, basically because I had never bought one before and also it had to fit into my paltry budget, I arrived with a bottle of Blue Nun, (the girl behind the counter had told me that was the most popular for the money) and rang the door bell.

After a couple of minutes I heard footsteps coming down the stairs, I could see her through the stained glass door, she was beautiful, long blonde hair,

dark makeup around her blue eyes and a black dress, the door opened, Julia stood there with a radiant smile, it was like we hadnt seen each other for weeks, it had been less than two hours. We went upstairs into the flat, which was cosy. Julia explained that her parents had recently split up and that her and her Mum were moving to a house on Unity Grove where it would be big enough for her sister and two brothers to join them too. Apparently they were still with their Dad. This was brilliant news as Unity Grove was right at the end of our street.

The night went so quick, before I knew it, we had been talking none-stop and listening to music for hours, we even liked the same music, it was so

129 amazing. By now it was eleven, her Mum was due back at midnight, she was at some Choral Society evening, we had been kissing allnight too and what happened next seemed so natural, there was no fumbling around, we held each other tight, kissed, touched, felt and then we made love. I was weak; my heart felt like it was a lump of jelly, what a night. After several attempts at leaving we finally managed to part our lips and I went downstairs, as I stepped into the road Julia was hanging out of the window blowing kisses to me. Needless to say I danced home, feeling like I had never felt before, it was so good.

News spread around school of our coming together, the most attractive female in school going out with

the most notorious rebel - Cogdon. This put the cat among the pigeons especially with the teachers although, it sort of broke the barriers down between the two schools, as Julias friends started to interact with my friends, as I said earlier, we ended up with all the best girls. Before long there was quite a large group of us, we tended to spent all break times together and all go out in the evenings.

It was only a matter of days before Julia and her Mum were moving, I offered to help with the move and we spent a weekend getting the house ship shape for the arrival of Julias brothers, Nick and Jonty and sister Rosie. They were all nice, Rosie was beautiful, only a couple of years younger than Julia, the boys were still very young, Nick about ten

131 and Jonty about eight years.

Having Julia so close was great, we walked to school every day together and home every night, we were inseparable. We spent every night in Julias bedroom, listening to music and making love every night. Julias Mum was fairly liberal, in fact when she suggested that she take us to the family planning clinic, I nearly died with embarrassment. I suppose at the time we both appreciated being treated as adults and responded accordingly. Every day was sheer bliss, we were so happy.

One day at school, a rumour started to spread that a gang from St Adians School across the Stray, were coming for a fight, this happened from time to

time and was no big deal for me, I was more interested in Julia. That night a couple of our lads were beaten up on their way home, they were given a message to pass to me. The message was Cogdon youre next. I told the lads to be ready at 3.30pm, no one was going to take the piss out of me, I sent a lad up to St Adians at lunch time with my message to them 3.45pm youre all dead it was duly delivered.

3.30 pm There was a gathering in the top yard we were about 100 strong, as we made our way up the drive, I looked behind, we were now about 150 strong, some of the fourth years had joined us. As we approached St Adians we could see through all the normal kids scurrying home, a gang of their

133 hardest, maybe 100 - 125. As we got closer I started to jog, chair legs and other weapons started to appear, we were about 25 yards from them when we all charged full on. Before we got close enough to battle, half of them had split their ranks and fled, the others were easy meat. I stood and watched the lads go in, quite a convincing victory without too much blood, good job well done I thought.

As I turned to walk into town a bloke grabbed Dick Hodges in a head lock and put his arm up his back, he rammed Dick into the fence, within seconds the bloke was on the deck and Dick was free. He came with me to town and we met the girls, Julia was waiting for me in the caf with Sal and Jennifer. We told the girls what had happened and thought no

more about it. That night was the same as any other, Julia and I were very happy, although she didnt approve of the days events and made me promise not to get involved anymore. I promised.

The next day we walked to school as usual, when we arrived there were police cars and vans in the car park. After assembly the Headmaster, asked for all the fourth and fifth year boys to stay in the Hall. Enter P.C. Plod, two of them quite senior by the look of them, you know the flat hat ones not the normal Bobbies helmet type. The outcome was what I had expected when I first saw the cars and vans, there were about twenty of them waiting in interview rooms to question everyone of us. We had to go to our lessons as usual and our names

135 would be called by the last person questioned.

It was about mid morning by the time they got round to me, what a reception I got, from the information they had already received I had supposedly organized the whole thing, single handedly beaten every pupil from St Aidans and hit a plain clothed Policeman with a chair leg to free Terry Hodges. Well, how about that then? Guilty before interview. I denied everything apart from being there, then went back to my class. I immediately put word out that whoever had named me was mincemeat. It wasnt long before statements were retracted and they changed their stories to He had red hair. Well considering I was the most notorious red head in school it must have

been me !

Julia was not impressed, nor was Julias mother or her father for that matter, especially when the date to go to court came through. Ian, Julias Dad said he would come to court as a character witness for me, they supported me through this. I was quite worried as it wasnt just breach of the peace we were talking about, it was also assaulting a policeman with a weapon. By the time it went to court, there were no witnesses to identify me, so I got away with being bound over for a year for being there. I thought this was a bit harsh, what about the other 149 people who were there?

137

The Big Wide World

Ian and Iris, Julias Mum, (by the way Ian and Iris were back together by this time) and Ian spent a lot of time encouraging me to paint and extolling the virtues of higher education and the benefits of a career. Amazingly, I listened to them.

It was by now, getting very close to the end of school and time to consider what I was going to do with my life, I was chatting one day to a lad called Fizz, he was one of the Wigan crew, it turned out that Fizz worked as a sign writer for a company in Knaresborough. As Fizz described what he did I thought, what a fantastic job that would be for me.

Fizz suggested that I phone another company in Starbeck called Harrogate Sign & Display and speak to a chap called John Mather. I did straight away, this John sounded a really nice bloke and I arranged to go see him.

The day of my interview I put on my best clothes, a tie and smart jacket and tucked my art folder under my arm. I walked into the premises and knocked on the door in the yard marked Sign Studio, it was an old railway building, the studio was a hut. Having entered the studio, there were three lads working on various jobs one was writing the side of a van, the others were working on signs propped up on easels.

139 The door opened behind me and this very distinguished looking chap with a broad smile, medieval beard and tash, cravat and safari jacket held out his hand. Jonathan, John Mather, pleased to meet you. He looked liked a dashing cavalier, we got on straight away, I showed John some of my drawings and lettering that I had done for a Tech drawing project, he skipped through them and got to the paintings. I like this one he said and pulled out the latest painting I had just finished can I have it he enquired, I didnt know what to say, but I wanted it, so I apologised and said it was due to go in exhibition in the town library. He was very impressed with my work and explained that he had seen other prospects but was not too impressed with them as they had turned up with their Mums or

Dads. I thought, this is my chance, so I just said straight out have I got the job then? John didnt even hesitate he just grabbed my hand, shook it and asked me when I could start.

What a result, I skipped round to the bus stop eager to get back and tell Mum, Dad, Julia, Ian and Iris that I had got the job. I didnt even know how much I was going to get paid, I didnt care, I did know I wanted to be a sign writer!

It was about a week later that we were playing football in the school yard, the headmaster appeared and asked what we were doing, it seemed pretty damn obvious to us but we humoured him and explained that we were playing

141 a game called football. Have you no lessons to attend? No point sir we have done our exams, its pointless I replied. What he went on to say then astounded us all. He said if we had jobs to go to and could get our employer to confirm that we could start work, we could leave before term end. That was it; I grabbed my rucksack and ran all the way home. I phoned John straight away and told him the news, John phoned me back within ten minutes to confirm he had spoken to Kimber and I could start work the following Monday. Two more days of school left, then that was it Freedom! I rushed back to school to meet Julia and gave her the news.

The next two days flew by, we just kicked about

town it was stupid going into school, so after walking Julia, I just went off to meet the rest of the lads, Julia didnt mind as long as I was back to walk her home.

Life changed instantly; all of a sudden I had a purpose, it was so interesting and money, good money. My first wage was 18.00 in my hand, it was great, it now meant that Julia and I had a new lease of life, we could go for meals, buy clothes, go to new places like London for the weekend.

Everything was going to plan, Julias parents were happy that I had settled into my new career and we were very happy together. Julia had an interview at York College of Art and had been accepted for the

143 foundation course, due to start in the September. Rosie and her friend Shelly were continually pestering us and we found it hard to get a few minutes peace, they used to sit outside the bedroom door and listen, giggling at what they thought we might be doing. That was the summer of 1976, we had a fantastic time.

By the time the Autumn had arrived I had firmly established myself at work, the other apprentice, Mick Marston had been there a year longer than me, he had no natural ability, so by this time I had progressed into a far more accomplished apprentice, which was reflected in my wage rise, after six months I was on thirty quid a week. Mick

was demoted back to making tea. This obviously caused friction between us but I wasnt bothered, he was no threat to me, although he was about 6ft tall, he was a woos.

One day we were both asked to paint some boards outside, we were working away, then I offered to make the tea. After making and delivering the afternoon cuppa I went back outside to continue painting, my brush had gone and had been replaced with a crap one. I looked over and there he was, as large as life painting away with my brush.

For a while, Mick had been winding me up, I could feel the red mist coming. When I asked for the

145 brush back, Mick just said Get stuffed, its my turn, you can have the crap one. Before I knew it I was all over him like a rash, pounding punches into him, he dropped the brush and started squealing like a pig. Within seconds it was over, he was laid on the floor crying like a baby, his nose and lip were bleeding. I walked off into the Kitchen to calm down. Brian the Studio Manager came into the kitchen, he said youre white, whats happened? I told Brian what had occurred and he went to see John Mather.

John called me into the office after he had seen Mick and gave me a lecture, I suppose it was a very gentle warning, I knew he would rather lose Mick than me, I was his favourite, he respected talent. It

was shortly after this incident that I passed my driving test, well that was it, I was out all the time being sent on jobs, whilst Mick stayed at base doing all the menial jobs and making tea. It goes without saying that Mick lasted about two weeks before he handed in his notice. As the months went by, work got better and better and, I was getting on with all the lads in the studio, Brian was the boss, Paul Salvini was a giant of a man, he stood about six and a half feet and looked like Worzel Gummidge - by far the best sign writer in the company and then there was Dave Hardcastle, Dave had been in the Navy and wasnt a natural by any means but he worked hard at it, we used to take the piss out of Dave because he couldnt spell to save his life.

147 Every day was different, a new job or different location, it was great. One day Brian and I were working in the centre of Leeds, it was just coming up to lunch time when Johns car appeared. John leapt out of his car in his cavalier way, looking as dashing as ever, his red flowing hair as perfect as always. This was most unusual, John never checked up on us. Down tools chaps, Im taking you to lunch; John was very well spoken and had this natural air of authority. Naturally we did as instructed and jumped into his car.

Within minutes we pulled up outside a large pub called The Gaiety, Brian smiled, Youll like this place kid and nudged me with his elbow. As we

entered the pub John pointed to some seats and went to the bar, he reappeared with three pints and said he had ordered food. That was fine with me, I was starving, I didnt even ask what we were having.

We were sat discussing the job at hand and timescales for completion when I was aware of a person nearing my right shoulder, ah! heres the food John said. I turned my head and there right in front of my nose was a pair of tits, I couldnt believe my eyes. It was a topless waitress, dressed in a short black skirt, suspenders, high heeled shoes and a white pinny, something I had never seen in my life before. My face must have been a picture, Brian nearly choked on his beer, laughing at my

149 reaction, John had a smile from ear to ear. I wasnt quite prepared for that one.

You want to see whats for desert John said smiling, he nodded, I turned to look and there was a girl scantily clad with a bloody great big snake around her neck making her way onto the stage area. I quickly moved seats, so as not to miss the show. I had never seen a stripper before and never thought for one minute when I was to see one, it would be with my boss on a lunchtime. Well, it was most entertaining, more drinks arrived and the waitress, a different one to the one earlier, asked John if we were staying for the private show. It was obvious that she knew John and this was by no means his first time in this establishment. John

sat her on his knee and said of course, darling, I wouldnt miss you for the world. She pecked his cheek and went about her immediate business.

Before long we were ushered upstairs into a small room, it had a stage on the back wall only about 18 inches high, the walls were covered in cheap wooden veneer and the chairs were set out like an amateur play or classroom, regimented in rows of about a dozen. The lights were dimmed and the spot lights were lit, from behind the curtain on the back wall, appeared the same woman as before the one that pecked John on the cheek.

Now she was dressed in a scarlet dress split up both sides, the music started as she slowly moved

151 slinkily writhing from side to side, swaying her plentiful hips in a circular movement. This wasnt bad considering I was being paid. The woman continued to writhe about and undress until she was completely naked, tantalizing all the men on the front row whilst she peeled off her stockings and then her silk pants. The next thing amazed me, the woman took a bow and disappeared back behind the curtain, she then re-appeared and beckoned a bloke from the front row. He got up and disappeared behind the curtain with her. John turned to me and said If youve got a tenner you can have the next one, laughing he rose to his feet and gestured it was time to go back to work. The sun was so bright as we appeared in the car park. This was the first of many times John was to

surprise me.

On another occasion John rushed into the studio and asked what we were all doing for lunch, we normally went round to the Prince of Wales for a pint but John told us to stick around as his mate Hendy was coming in with a film. What a laugh when I think back, five grown men sat in a hut watching a porn film projected onto some white poster paper. It was the first porn film I had ever seen and the last. What a joke, I would rather have been with Julia doing the real thing and not watching a Jason King look-a-like grunting and groaning with some poxy background music, it was terrible. It was said that John was a womans man and I was starting to believe it. The lads told me

153 some tales about his escapades and I had no reason not to believe them, whenever a woman appeared he changed into the most charming, smooth talking bloke you have ever encountered.

I had been with the company for about eighteen months, when I was to let myself down, this time very badly and it was my temper that got the better of me yet again. At the time I was car mad, I had only passed my test a few months previously, every chance I got I was behind the wheel of any car I could, the company van, Brians car, Daves car. One day a brand new escort van came in to the studio to be written, I leapt up and asked Brian if I could work on it, Brian said I couldnt because it really had to be a top job, which I understood, I was

good for my time but not as good as him and Paul. Anyway I was happy to volunteer to clean it off with turps and prepare it to be written. When it was finished I jumped in it and was pretending to drive it when the door flew open and Brian dragged me out of the van. He was ranting and raving about not being able to write the van whilst I was inside jogging about, I wouldnt have minded but he hadnt even marked it out, his brush wasnt even wet!

I flipped, pulled my arm free from the grip he had on me, I stood back, Brian was purple with rage, he came forward screaming at me, something about fancying my chances with him, fists clenched. As he came forward I whacked him with a perfect right hand, he toppled, I caught him again and again

155 both fists working like pistons.

Before I knew it Dave had hold of my arms from behind, he was quite a stocky bloke at the time and had quite a firm grip of me. Brian by this time was knelt on the floor holding his bloodied face, I lashed out with my right foot and caught him on the side of the head, he dropped to the floor and laid there on his side, coughing and groaning. I struggled free and turned to face Dave, Come on then you fucking bastard, by now I had lost it completely. Paul was trembling he shouted Jon leave it please get out now. The red mist started to clear and I turned away from Dave. I sat on the wall outside with my head in my hands, trying to come to terms with what had just happened and the stark

realization of what I had just done.

John wasnt in the office that day, I felt terrible so I just went for the bus, numbed by the afternoons events. I didnt get much sleep that night and as you can imagine Julia and her parents were none too pleased.

The following day I got up as usual and walked down to get my lift to work, I was sat on the wall at the usual place, just outside Bilton Working Mens Club, when Brian drove straight passed, he didnt even acknowledge me. This was obviously bad news, there would be no easy way out of this one, I set off walking and managed to get a bus near the Stray in to Starbeck and work.

157

John Mather was in the yard waiting for me when I arrived, he beckoned me in to the office, I knew this was serious, John had that very aloof expression on his face and I could tell he was not pleased with the events of the previous day. I sat down and John started talking about respect and responsibility, he was marvellous and pointed out all my good points, my talent, attitude to work and ability to communicate with customers. He was fantastic and I suppose to sum it all up he just said get back in there and get doing what youre good at, he also suggested that I apologise to Brian, which I duly did. Brian on the other hand was not going to forgive and forget as easily as John had, he turned out to be a nasty piece of work over the coming

months but I realized how lucky I had been so I put up with all the crap jobs that he dished my way. At the end of the day he was my immediate boss.

Julia and I were getting on fine, although we did have our ups and downs. She was very jealous and there were many occasions when she gave me a load of grief especially on Friday nights as she worked at the Damn Yankee Restaurant and I went out with the lads. It was after one of those Friday nights that we had a major bust up, one of her friends had seen me talking to a girl in a night club so I got the third degree and ended up storming off and going to the pub. I hadnt done anything wrong but as I sat there thinking over a few drinks, I thought, I

159 might as well have gone off with the girl because as far as Julia was concerned, I had. As I was sat talking Rosie came into the pub, not Julias sister Rosie but another Rosie I had known for years. She was black and beautiful, I had actually, been out with her a couple of years before I had met Julia, we met on one of our nights out to Wigan, I saw her a couple of times after that. At the time she wasnt really interested in me as she was four years older, however now she seemed very interested, I was older and had a moustache by this time, so I expect her opinion had changed a bit. We chatted for ages and then went on to the Intercon, we danced most of the night and Julia was the last thing on my mind, I was enjoying myself too much with Rosie. As the night came to an end all I could think about was

how much I really wanted this beautiful black girl, Rosie made it easy for me, she asked me to walk her home, which I was more than happy to do. All the way through town I was wondering if she would evade me like she had done in the past or whether she fancied me enough this time around - the answer wasnt far away as Rosies flat was just on the edge of town.

As we got to the steps Rosie didnt even ask me in, she just opened the door and said after you, I went in, the flat hadnt changed that much since the last time I had been there, it was dimly lit, quite cosy, just as I had remembered it. Rosie was a bit bohemian, she wasnt one for chairs, she sat herself on a big white sheepskin rug in front of the

161 flickering fire. She looked fantastic, her ebony skin, shining in the glowing firelight and a big white smile with succulent Negro lips painted red. Her shoulders were black and bare she really looked beautiful, I sat close to her on the rug, we talked a while and kissed frequently, short gentle kisses, sort of feeling the way, I remember the music, it was an album I had bought for Julia by Al Green but Julia was far from my mind. As we kissed Rosie slipped her top off, as I looked at her I could see her back through a full length pine framed mirror leaning against the wall, it was so beautiful, her breasts were firm, perfectly shaped, we explored each other with more, soft, gentle touches.

As we lay there I couldnt take my eyes off our

reflections in the mirror, black and white flesh entwined with each other, her skin was different, her body was so perfect, her spine went deep into the small of her back and her firm buttocks curved outward and shone in the glimmering light, her shape was that of an athlete, we made love for what seemed like hours, our bodies warm and moist, so close, wrapped around each other as though we were joined. Rosie had an aroma, it was different to any other woman I had been with before, everything was different, it was as if she were the perfect love making machine designed especially to please man. Rosie was special.

When I woke the following morning, we were still wrapped around each other warm and tight. Rosie

163 had pulled a throw over us in the night and the sheepskin rug was so soft under our bodies, it was so cosy and nice, I didnt want to move from there and I certainly didnt want to face Julia. Rosie and I made love again and I forgot about Julia for a time whilst our bodies writhed and moved with each other in tandem, then the stark reality and guilt began to fill my heart.

As I walked home I tried to dispel all the rotten feelings and thoughts that were going through my mind, I was trying to justify to myself that I hadnt done anything wrong and then I thought back to seeing our images in the mirror it was fantastic, I carried on feeling guilty for a day or two and then I realized that I had enjoyed it so

much and I wanted it to happen again.

Julia was never to find out about Rose and I, we met a few times after that night and enjoyed each other just as much as the first time, I had also learnt something about myself, I loved Julia but I also now knew, that I could not resist temptation and it was impossible for me to remain faithful. I looked forward to every Friday night from then on and every opportunity to go with other girls, which I did on a regular basis.

Julia and I had a very volatile relationship, when we made love it was passionate and when we argued it was World War III. We once had a blazing row at her house fighting shouting and screaming, when

165 her Dad Ian intervened I ended up smacking him as well. That took a long time for Ian to get over, thinking back it was a nightmare but he showed me the red rag unfortunately for Ian he came off worst. I was so sorry and he knew it, our relationship never really healed after that incident.

Life at work was beginning to become unbearable, Brian was making life hard and I wasnt enjoying my work as I once did. I was getting all the crap jobs to do and it wasnt the same since I had given Brian a caning. I woke up one morning and decided that was it, I was handing in my notice, spending the summer abroad and going to Art College in the September. All done and dusted in one, I had made my mind up. I didnt even discuss it with anyone I

just went into work wrote out my notice and left it on Johns desk.

When John arrived he called me in to his office and asked why I was leaving, I explained that life was unbearable and that I wasnt enjoying my work anymore, John in fairness, did ask me to reconsider and I believe he was genuinely sorry to lose me, but I had decided.

167

Brits Abroad
Julia went spare at first until I told her about my plans for the summer and then she changed her tune, the thought of going to France for a few months quite appealed to her. I had my interview at York College of Art and my acceptance arrived shortly afterwards. That was it we were off.

Iris had some friends in Fontainebleau, just south of Paris, she arranged for Julia and I to stay with them for a week on our way down to the South of France. Everything seemed to go like clockwork, before I knew it we were ready to leave. I had never been abroad before, it was really exciting. The plan was that Ian would take us to Leeds, and then we would

hitch to the South Coast and get the ferry to Calais. Simple !!!

I had hitched before and expected to have to wait for a while so when we got a lift more or less straight away I was delighted, we were on our way and things seemed to be going to plan. Our first lift took us across to the A1 and south down to Grantham. We jumped out and set about getting another lift. This time we were not so lucky, I think we were there for about an hour before our next lift arrived. An old couple, right cockneys, the old bloke was tiny with a straw trilby on his bonce and a great big belly, his wife was about twice his size and weight, she had a great big welcome smile, red rosy cheeks and lipstick to match, when I think back

169 they were just like Pa and Ma Larkin, gassing away, both interrupting each other, they were a scream.

They had been up North for the week to see family and were travelling back to Barnet, North London. When we told them where we were going they couldnt believe it I dont think either of them knew where France was never mind been abroad before. They were really very funny.

Marie-Helene and Ricard were our hosts and what fantastic people they turned out to be. Ricard, Marie-Helenes Husband was a really nice guy, he couldnt speak a word of English and we spent many hours trying to have a conversation. Marie-

Helene had worked in the U.K. as a French teacher, she was a professor of English and that is how Julias mum got to know her. We had a fantastic time with them and I was experiencing things that I would never of dreamed of. One night we were sat having our aperitif which was funnily enough Ricard a drink that is very much like Pernod, Marie-Helene was in the kitchen cooking dinner. Dinner was served, liver and onions lovely, well thats what I thought at first. When I cut in to the liver it was like you see it in the shop, maroon and like jelly, she had literally just flipped it in the pan. God it was awful I just kept putting bread in my mouth and letting it slip down my throat with a red wine swill. What an experience that was. Another was a French boiled egg it might as well have not even

171 seen the pan, it was raw.

After about a week we decided it was time to get moving south to spend the rest of the summer on the Cote D Azur. It was all so exciting being abroad for the first time, seeing a totally different world to the one that I had grown up with, smelling smells that I had never dreamt of, just being there at the age of seventeen all on my own for the first time in my life, apart from, that is Julia of course. Julia was very outgoing, very bright and full of wonder she always talked about doing things with her life, this was obviously rubbing off on me. When I think back to kicking that football about the streets as a kid I would never have thought I would be going to another country on my own. Looking back I

must have been crackers to set off with another lets face it kid however I never thought of myself as a kid at the time, I always felt very adult.

After a lot of waiting, we gave up on the idea of hitching a lift from the slip road to the motorway, there were hardly any cars coming by and there seemed to be no chance of getting a lift. We could see a service station about a mile up the motorway so I said to Julia that I thought the best idea would be to walk up the hard shoulder and get a lift from there. Julia was about twenty or so yards behind me and I was forging on head bent down carrying this bloody rucksack, God it was heavy I really felt like a pack horse, not that I know how a pack horse feels. Unbeknown to me the Police had pulled up

173 and stopped Julia (well she was blonde wasnt she, so the dirty French bastards would), and apparently they I had been shouting for me to stop and of course I had heard nothing because of the traffic whistling by. Then I heard Julias shouts, I turned I saw these coppers and one was pointing a bloody gun at me. I honestly couldnt believe it I put my hands in the air automatically and walked back very slowly. It was like something out of Starsky and Hutch, as it was the coppers were half decent, Julia spoke to them in French and then I could sense a warmer feeling and see at least half a smile from them. They put us in the car and took us to a police station adjacent to the services. As we entered one of the coppers pointed to a big notice board, there were pictures on it like I had never seen before or

since the most gruesome, horrific, graphic close up photos of motorway accident victims, I wanted to puke at the sight of them. There were limbless people, crushed people, mutilated people, and blood everywhere, horrible, really horrible.

The expression on the coppers face changed. He looked at me with piercing eyes and prodded me in the chest, all of a sudden he wasnt so nice, after a ten minute lecture in a tongue that I didnt understand he beckoned us back out of the police station and into the car once more. We sped off up the motorway and off again at the next exit where he let us out at another slip road. After another very serious finger pointing session he left us to get on

175 our way. What a relief, Julia was calling me all the names under the sun, as she blamed me for the whole incident.

The next lift took us into Lyon, where we decided getting the train would be easier and quicker, the only problem was that the fares took up just about all our money.

We eventually arrived in Menton at about 6.30pm. Menton is a beautiful town right on the Italian border, with ice blue clear sea and mountains behind, I think they are the foothills to the Alps. The front and back drop were just like you see in the photographs and on holiday programmes, its not the same today because kids are exposed to this at

an early age and take it all for granted, for me it was actually seeing something for the first time I was dismayed.

The first job was to find the camp site, which we did with ease, the only problem was, that it was half way up the bloody mountain overlooking the bay. We pitched the tent and set off back down the mountain to find a job and get something to eat, both we achieved more or less straight away. I had a job as a washer-upper in a restaurant kitchen and Julia had herself a job looking after the Restaurateurs brats. Mission accomplished, we bought some vin de plastique, (red wine in a plastic bottle for about 23p) and clambered back up the mountain path to our tent. By the time it was dark

177 we were pissed and very tired and we had work the next day, which was good because we were down to our last fiver and hadnt paid the camp site fees yet. The next few weeks were fine, we worked from eight in the morning until three in the afternoon, then again from seven in the evening until close which was normally about 11.30 p.m. six days a week. For this we received between us a handsome 80 per week including two meals a day. So it wasnt so bad, we were actually saving money. After about two months the owners of the restaurant decided they were having their annual vacation, so we were told we had a fortnight off, that was fine with us because we wanted to explore the full French Riviera. We finished work on the

Friday night and decided to take the train to the playboy paradise of St Tropez.

What a disappointment that was, it was like a fishing village with great big yachts moored in the harbour instead of fishing boats. Saying that I saw the most fantastic thing I had ever seen in any harbour around Robin Hoods Bay or Whitby it was a boat as long as a football field with a helicopter, landing pad and a Rolls Royce on board, how the other half live, I wrote to Mum and Dad and told them about it, I didnt think for one minute they would believe a word of I said. We found a campsite close by and checked in there. We got a caravan in return for me doing labouring duties, God, what a mistake that was, I ended up digging

179 plots for Caravans to be placed and spreading gravel in the areas I had cleared. After about two hours my hands were bleeding and the pain was awful, I also got sunburn, what a bonus! Julia knew that a couple of her college mates were due in St Raphael about this time so we decided to try and find them up sticks again and off we went.

We decided to try and hitch again and set about getting a lift, a van passed with this grimy looking bloke driving, he was staring at Julia like an owl about to strike on its prey; he came round the block again and stopped. Julia spoke to him and he said he was going our way, dodgy, well dodgy, isnt it funny instincts are usually correct? As we went to get in to the van he beckoned Julia to get in first,

that was not going to happen, I had already transferred my knife from my jeans pocket to an easy to get to pocket in the right hand side of my jacket, I climbed in first, he didnt like that. He was leering across me and eyeing Julia all over. We had only just got outside St Tropez when I decided enough was enough so I told him to stop, he ignored me at first so I shouted at him, he had balls but not big ones as I was about to find out. The van pulled over and I told Julia to get out, this guy then decided for some reason I owed him some money and was jibbering away in French his voice was raised to shouting pitch when I threw my rucksack and quickly shot out of the van. Before I had picked up my rucksack, Julia shouted Jon I turned round and he was coming round the front of the van

181 towards us. I pulled the knife out of my pocket and as he came round the front of the van I stuck it right up his nose touching the end of it. At first he jumped back, Julia shouted, I shouted, he shouted we were all shouting but I didnt want him too close Fuck off frog I screamed and went to ram the blade into his face, he turned around and ran to the safer side of his poxy van. Within seconds the dirty looking frog had well and truly fucked off.

We found Julias friend just outside St Raphael on a campsite in a little village called Agay; what a gorgeous place. The campsite was a few hundred yards from the coast, but what a coast, mostly cliffs, not too high, and beneath little secluded bays with clear blue sea, loads of nude swimmers which was

quite entertaining for a seventeen year old. Ruth and her boyfriend, Peter had been down in the South of France about the same length of time as us. Ruth was the eldest daughter of a university lecturer, she was quite petite, blonde and well worth it, her boyfriend was the son of a wealthy farmer and you could tell from a million miles away, he had the stereotype thick wavy auburn hair combed from his left ear right over his head, not that he was bald in the middle he wasnt, there was just a mountain of hair on the right hand side, thick leather belt and very well spoken. The only thing that was missing was a great big fat belly, but he was O.K., we all seemed to get on well and had a good laugh for a week or so, we spent the days swimming and lounging around, I spent every day trying to get

183 Ruth in the water without Julia which wasnt easy. However we did have a couple of very close swims and playful contact, I remember one particular day I couldnt get out of the sea because of the lump in my shorts. Julia was always watching me so I just got away with flirting. One night we went into St Raphael to a night club which was good fun. As with everything that is good in this God forsaken life it had to come to an end and we had to get back to work. Ruth wanted to see Monte Carlo so we got a lift in their Citroen back to Menton which is only about three kilometres past Monte Carlo.

Well we turned up for work the next day and surprise surprise the cockney git had given my job away, we were a day late or so he said. I flipped my

lid because we had blown all our money and we were back right where we had started - skint. The guy was adamant that we were late and I was adamant he was going to pay me a weeks wages in lieu of notice, we were hollering at each other and then the usual happened I snapped. I got hold of his head and smashed it downwards on to the till counter, his nose burst open, Julia tried to grab hold of me and I shrugged her off, the guy opened the till and pulled out a gun, I still had his face down and the gun was waving about in the air, looking back it was hilarious because half the customers on the terrace could hear and see what was going on. I grabbed his wrist with my other hand, so now Ive got a handful of hair and a wrist with a gun. He was screaming and shouting after a second or two he

185 said alright, Alright, alright, I will pay you. With his left hand he reached in to the open till and pulled out all the notes in the tray. I just snatched the notes, let him go and shot out of the restaurant, Julia was in hot pursuit behind. As we marched up towards the campsite I counted the money, just over a thousand francs, (about a hundred quid) quite a result really hed have been better off paying me the weeks wages (80). It was important we got out of there quick I was sure he would call the cops so we got our belongings and made haste to the train station. All the while Julia had been jabbering on, I dont remember what she was going on about and I didnt care really, what was important was that we got out of Menton Rapid.

We sat on the platform arguing as to where we should go Julia was all for going back down the coast to Ruth, I was pretty shaken up by now and all I could visualize was me in a French jail. I decided it was best to get the none-stop train to Paris and get back to England thats exactly what we did, there was no way I was hanging around. Well what an end to a summer trip we arrived back in England and made it back to Harrogate the following night.

187

Back to Education
Before I knew it the summer was over and it was time to start art college at York, it didnt take me long to get established in a social way, however the big difference I noticed was that everyone was different to me. They all came from middle class backgrounds, they all spoke well, they all had money, these were a totally different type of people compared to those people I was used to dealing with. If you had a disagreement at college you couldnt just batter the person for arguing, you had to accept their point of view and defend your case. I found it extremely difficult, especially at first, my natural instinct was to just lash out and shut the twat up. I was really SKINT and this made me

unhappy. Julia had left York and started at the Ladies College of Business in Leeds. It wasnt long before we were arguing Julia was working in a local high class restaurant with two frog waiters and I took a job in a pizzeria as a waiter working three nights a week.

The final straw happened one night when we went to York to see a band called Caravan, whilst there concert we bumped into a girl on my course, long blonde straight hair and massive tits, I think her face was O.K. too, anyway when the concert finished I offered this girl a lift home with us, we had borrowed Julias mums car, well you can imagine as soon as this girl got out of the car it started, accusations flying everywhere. We argued all the

189 way back to Harrogate, and as we approached on the Knaresborough Road Julia turned, pressed her back against the car door and starting bicycle kicking me whist I was driving. Her heels were sticking in my ribs and my arm as I tried to protect myself; she stopped after about a minute. I drove as fast as I could to my Mum and Dads house, stopped the car pulled on the hand break and leapt out of the car, as far as I was concerned that was it. As I turned to close the gate behind me Julia leapt at me screaming and took all the skin off my face with her nails, I smacked her right in the nose, (instant reaction) she flew back over the car bonnet before I could think I had leapt the gate and was on top of her over the bonnet. She was pulling at my hair and scratching me, I must have punched her

another couple of times before my father pulled me off her and dragged me into the house.

I was sat with Dad explaining what had happened and showing him my ribs when there was a knock at the door, Dad answered, it was Julias Dad, Ian, and I could hear him saying Have you seen the state of my daughters face? Dad put his head round the dining room door and said, Jon come here. I did, he pulled up my shirt and said, Have you seen the state of my sons body and face? There wasnt much Ian could say, I was black and blue all down my left side and bleeding where the skin was punctured by her heels. Needless to say that was the end of Julia and me. Although we did get together for sex only on the odd occasion after

191 that.

Every morning at the train station I saw this stunning girl she was slim, very large chested and had jet black corkscrew hair, white skin, red lips and the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen, before or since. Snow White was not a patch on this one in fact not even on the same street. The only person I could liken her too is Elizabeth Taylor when she was very young, she was without doubt a stunning looking female. One night I was out with the lads and I saw her in the Intercon, I went straight up to her and asked her out, not to dance, not to chat, just straight out with it, she politely refused and that was that for the time being. I went home that night and I couldnt get her out of my mind, I decided that

the only way to catch this one was to slowly, slowly catch a princess.

Monday morning I was up at the crack of dawn, I showered, shaved and put all my best clothes on. I was at the train station early, waiting for her to arrive, she did bang on time, she recognised me and smiled that was my cue, I was really nervous but I strolled over to her and tried to be as cool as I could. Hi, did you enjoy yourself the other night? I asked, she smiled with the biggest, brightest smile I have ever seen Yes was the answer did you? Yeah, I said, but I might have enjoyed it more if you had said yes to my question, she giggled and explained that she says no to every approach, she complained that she was always being pestered. I

193 was the last to be surprised by that, she was gorgeous; I was in love again. I thought I might as well try again so I did, I said, Are you sure I cant take you out, its my birthday on Friday and my parents are taking me out for a meal. I would love it if you could make it? She smiled that smile again and said O.K. I would love to. Well my jaw must have hit the platform and bounced through the ceiling, she said, I dont even know your name. I told her and established her name was Sara, I was really looking forward to seeing her, I couldnt wait to see her again. I jumped on to my train and punched the air it was as good as scoring a goal in a cup final, my stomach was upside down, I was a quivering wreck but I had a smile wider than I have ever smiled. I made sure that I was at the train

station early every morning and as the week went on we started to relax a little and the conversations albeit brief were getting easier.

Friday eventually arrived, I went to college but the last thing on my mind was work after all it was my eighteenth birthday, I decided to sack college at lunch time and we all went to the pub, there were about twenty of us and I was just walking around kissing all the females, its amazing what you can get away with on your birthday. After a few beers people started to drift back to college, however Nick, Jon and I had different ideas we were staying for at least a couple more. By the time we were ready to leave, mainly because we were all skint wed had a few, enough to make me sleep on the

195 train back to Harrogate. Once at home I had another kip and then got ready to meet Sara. We picked her up and made for the Miners Arms, a pub outside Harrogate renowned for very good steak. We had a perfect meal, Mum gave Sara the third degree and said how nice she was when Sara went to the loo. Sara should have been born blonde she was the dizziest bird I have ever met, she was a real scream and we got on great. Sex was magnificent and I gave Sara her first orgasm, which in later years she was to remind me in the middle of a pub in front of about five of her friends and at least half a dozen of mine.

Sara lived with her parents in an area of affluence on the edge of Harrogate, her father was in the

army, Fewtrel was his name and her mum was called Sheila she was a headmistress. What a pair, the first time I met them I was invited for afternoon tea, never seen anything like it in my life. I was sat in this bloody great big lounge with Fewtrel, what a bloody name and what a pillock he was, he was about six foot tall, had rose-red cheeks, a button of a nose but that was crimson and jet black curly/wavy hair. We were sat there and it was my turn for the third degree, asking questions about this and that, what I was going to do after Art College. After a while the lounge door opened and the housekeeper wheeled in the tea trolley, cakes cups, saucers, what a bloody palaver. I had only seen the likes of this before on the old black and white films. Sheila was a right pain in the arse too,

197 she was as neurotic and I later found out why, old Fewtrel was dicking everything he could get his hands on, they eventually split up, but this was a long time after Sara and I had separated. Sara and I went to live in Sheffield with Saras sister Sian, she was studying medicine at the university there. Life in Sheffield was a hoot, we got to see loads of bands live including Blondie on their first U.K. tour promoting the single Denise, Denise, that was a great night. Sara was a bundle of fun, she was totally thick but great to be with, we lasted just about a year, it was one weekend when I came back to Harrogate on my own. I met Julia Keogh, in the Intercon she was a couple of years older than me and the sister of my arch enemy, Sean who had screwed the first Julia when we were going through

a bad time (in fact it was when she found out that I had been unfaithful on several occasions). Anyway I met Julia and asked her out, she worked most nights at the Damn Yankee restaurant, so she said the only night she could make it would be the coming Thursday. When I told her that I had arranged to take another girl out on that night she said, Well its Thursday or nothing. I agreed to stand up this other girl, I cant remember her name now so she cant have been that good, I turned up on the Thursday and took Julia for a nice meal. For the first time in my life I behaved like the perfect gent.

Julia and I got on well, although in the beginning I felt she had the upper hand, it wasnt long before

199 we were engaged and due to marry the following March, eighteen months after we met. Suddenly I realised that I had to get my finger out and get a job and a career. I applied to Quickprint in Starbeck for a job as a graphic designer and after several interviews I convinced the Manager Adrian Bury that I had learnt enough at Art College to do the job He took me on and that was the beginning of what turned out to be a colourful life in graphic design. Adrian was a great bloke and he steered me through, helping and advising along the way. I never turned down overtime that got me right to the top spot as far as Adrian was concerned. He was permanently under pressure to get artwork ready for print and on to the presses, the others in the studio just didnt want to know about overtime.

During this period I was able to save the deposit for my first house. Julia lived in Hampsthwaite, a village just outside Harrogate, so on the nights I worked overtime I never bothered to get the bus out to see her, anyway it was too late so I used to go into town and have a few beers. It wasnt long before I was night clubbing every night even on the nights I saw Julia I would get the last bus back to Harrogate and go straight to Carringtons night club, there were quite a few blokes that I knew who also went every night. I was always assured that I would know someone to tag along with.

Well after a few beers, its amazing how good looking some girls get, so I was on the pull every night and with remarkable results, if they didnt

201 have a flat I would take them back home, mum and dad were always in bed by midnight. There were so many I would hate to count them, however I have tried a few times when I havent been able to sleep, its better than counting sheep, just count shags its more fun, every now and again I think of another that I had previously forgotten about. Its an ego thing I have always enjoyed the chase and then the kill. By the time the wedding had come round Julia and I had bought our little house in Grove Park View. It was a terraced house with an open wooden staircase, very nice for the princely sum of 10,000. Before the wedding we put in what furniture we had begged from family and friends, then I moved in a fortnight before the wedding day. That was brilliant I had a place to take what girls I had hunted down at

Carringtons, I remember thinking I wish the wedding were further away.

My stag night was a real night to remember. We decided that the Bier Keller in Leeds would be the best venue as we were guaranteed to bump in to at least a couple of hen parties and get thoroughly pissed as they only served 1.5 litre steins of strong German beer. Paul booked the coach and did all the ringing round, before we knew it the 53-seater coach was full and there were several cars following, what a night. We arrived back in Harrogate at about midnight and headed straight for the Intercon, the bouncers had a problem with our numbers and when Steve saw a bouncer that had kicked him in the head weeks before they had

203 a real problem. Before we could move Nidge Carter had grabbed one of the bouncers by the hair and smashed his face on the cloakroom desk, it exploded and covered me from head to toe in blood then he was dragged out of the door by the others who begun playing football with his head. As this was happening more bouncers came down the stairs, the first two or three were just swamped by the lads and thrown out of the doors for the rest to deal with. I felt an arm go round my neck and was pulled violently backwards out of the entrance way. It was Paul my best man he tugged me away screaming at me not to get arrested on my stag night. As I was pulled away I could see the bodies in the middle of the road, about six or seven now, swamped by the lads they looked like a swarm of

bees all over these bouncers. I got a burger with Paul and watched the mle it was incredible I really thought that someone would be killed. Paul, a few others and myself made our way to the Wanderers Club, they had music until late at the weekends downstairs, upstairs was a seedy gambling joint for all the dregs of Harrogate, it was filthy, smoke stained dark dank and dismal. During the years it was open there were several deaths at the club they reckoned the only reason the place was still open was so that the police knew where every thug, alci, drug dealer, thief and reprobate was at any given time, so they could go pick them up from in there.

Downstairs was slightly more respectable and we

205 even got live music from local bands there. Bev Audsley was there when we arrived, I told you I would tell you more about Bev earlier. She had grown up to be a very attractive, classy blonde bombshell. Bev had blossomed, she had thick blonde hair and now had all the lumps and bumps in the right places, I had seen her around over the years and she knew the first Julia I had gone out with and she also knew the Julia I was marrying the next day. She had been going out with a real poser who must have been about twenty eight or so, everyone who went in the Wagon knew him and she was now working in Julie Fitzmaurice, this was one of the most expensive ladies fashion shops in Harrogate situated on Parliament Street. Bev looked like a very classy model, just the part to

work where she did. She knew Paul too, we all went back a long time and it was obvious that she wanted him, she stuck to us like glue all night. When the place closed she asked if she could walk along with us because she still lived round the corner from my Mum and Dads house, neither of us had any objection so off we went. As we got to the main Kings Road Paul did something very unusual especially for him. He stopped and said he was cutting down through the Coppice Estate and said to Bev, Go back with Jon for a coffee, you know its his stag night. Bev just said OK, and we parted from Paul. Well this was like Christmas, I had always liked and fancied Bev, I still do as a matter of fact. Bev came into the house, I had arranged to stay there so my parents knew I was

207 alright, they were in bed as usual at that time. I made coffee for us and then we sat in the lounge. I think it took me about one gob full of coffee and two words before I had her in my arms. We made love on the lounge carpet, her skin was like milk, soft and white and her blonde hair thick and fluffy, she had a cracking body. Making love to her was not what I had imagined. It turned out to be nothing special, thinking back, it would have been much better in more comfortable surroundings, but it was an ambition fulfilled. I had waited a long time for this and I enjoyed it nevertheless. Although it did happen in the most unusual way, I felt I had achieved something, I would certainly welcome the opportunity to do it again, but properly this time anyway a true best man if ever there was one.

Early Twenties and Married Life

The next day was my wedding day, the 22 March 1980. I was up early and off to the hairdressers, then a big breakfast at the Cabaa Caf Bar on Knaresborough Road. By the time I had got back home Paul was waiting for me, so off we went to the Dragon pub for a couple of liveners before the big leap. Dad was funny he kept saying to me, its not too late you know lad you still have time to back out, Paul and I were laughing our heads off at him. The actual wedding ceremony was a disaster, Mum just wailed all the way through it. I think it was the fact that I was leaving home for good and she found it very hard to let go. She was the same later that year when Jason got married rather unexpectedly.

209 Jennifers husband Tom had paid for us to go to London for the honeymoon, so as soon as the reception was well and truly swinging we were taken straight to the train station to catch the 125 speed train to Londons Kings Cross Station. On arrival we walked to the exit and there was a bloke there with a board that read Mr & Mrs Cogdon. He was dressed in a grey suit black tie and chauffers cap. Tom had forgot to mention this, it was brilliant, Julia was so embarrassed and I swanned towards the limo like a film star. It was hilarious everyone leaving and entering the station was looking at us trying to fathom out who we were, perhaps some famous pop star or actor and actress. We arrived at our destination shortly afterwards, The Strand Palace Hotel right opposite the Savoy, what an

experience. The chauffeur opened the door for us and Julia scuttled out of the car and into the Hotel foyer, totally the opposite to me I strutted out of the car again and let the gathering crowds contemplate who I was, I even waved at them and they waved back, what a piss take, it just goes to show how shallow and easily impressed our society has made us. Our chauffeur was a really nice bloke, refused the tip and asked if we would need him anymore that night. Me thinking, wedding night, said, No, you can have the rest of the night off, see you tomorrow about ten oclock. The Strand Palace was truly a palace; I had never been in anything that resembled this place. The wedding suite was massive, champagne and a great big bouquet of flowers greeted us as we entered the room. After

211 we had put the luggage aside, I held Julia by her waist and said to her, Come on then, lets consummate our wedding. She pushed my hands down and said I want to watch Dallas we can do that later. Well what a bloody good start to married life, bollocks I thought Im off to the bar so I made my leave and headed directly downstairs to the residents bar. I stayed there for an hour or so and then went back to our room. Julia had changed into a nice silky blouse, tight jeans and a pair of classy pointed-toed Italian shoes. She wanted to go out to get something to eat, me thinking we were going for a nice romantic meal, that never happened she wanted a pizza so beit I settled for a pizza and a couple of bottles of Bud. When we arrived back at the hotel Julia wanted to go back to the room and

watch Parkinson, I persuaded her to have a drink in the lounge. We eventually went to bed and made love, if life was going to be like this we were in for problems. Julias family was not like mine, we always kissed goodbye and I was used to loads of affection, now I was with this cold fish called a wife. I know now that I never really loved her I just thought I did. Everyone else was getting married so it seemed the thing to do, plus it was something I knew Julia really wanted and if I didnt marry her she would have found someone else I am sure.

So that was it I was married. We spent the rest of the honeymoon doing the tourist bit, watching the Changing of the Guard, seeing Downing Street, walking Oxford Street, the whole lot. By the time the

213 honeymoon was over my feet were blistered and I was glad to get back to Harrogate. The first night was so strange me and Julia in the same bed in our little house, I can remember thinking, was I excited or was I scared to death of what I had just done. The future held the answers.

We had been married one day short of three weeks and I hadnt been out apart from work in all this time, I think we were trying to get used to each other. It was about seven oclock that Friday night and a great big coach pulled up outside the front door full of all the lads from the Dragon and the football team, it was Chriss stag night, told you it was the in thing to do, get married that is. I hadnt seen the lads for weeks so I had no idea about the

planned night ahead. Chris jumped off the coach and shouted, Were off to Leeds its my stag night, come on! I turned to ask Julia if she minded, she said, No, so I was changed and on the coach in seconds. We had a good night, the usual for the Bier Keller, there were loads of girls on hen nights, so we were in as usual dancing, groping, kissing any girl that passed the table, I met this really tasty girl; I havent got a clue what she was called but after a belly full of beer I was up for anything. As we were leaving she asked me if I wanted to go back to her flat for coffee - well we all know what that means, I was so pissed I forgot about the wife at home and jumped into a taxi with her. It was exactly as I expected it to be, we didnt even bother with coffee, straight into kissing, fondling and groping on

215 both sides, then into bed half naked with clothes strewn across the room. We made love and then made love again after that I fell asleep. I woke up with a major head on me and looked at my watch it was four in the morning. Holy shit! What about Julia? I leapt out of bed, dressed in seconds, then realised I had no money to get back to Harrogate. I had no option but to wake the girl and ask her for some money, fortunately she had some and gave me a fiver, I thanked her, kissed her on the forehead and ran out of the door. It was pitch black, raining and I hadnt got a fucking clue where I was, where the hell was I ?, I didnt recognise anywhere, I didnt know whether to turn left or right at the end of the road. Oh my God what the hell have I got myself into now, there were no options here I had to

go back to the house and get the girl to phone a taxi. I rang the bell, after a minute, which seemed like an hour she opened the bedroom window. I asked her to phone a taxi, no phone was the reply, she turned away and I saw the sash window slide back down. Fuck, fuck, fuck! As I got to the road end I looked around, it seemed to be a main road, so I headed for the light that must be the city centre. I heard a car engine behind me and the lights appeared from around a bend, it was a black and white Leeds Cab, fortunately he didnt have a fare on board, he stopped and picked me up. Leeds Station please, I asked. I was lucky it only took about ten minutes to get there, I didnt recognise the area we were coming out of at all, anyway we came round a bend and there was the

217 station. I ran to the Harrogate platform, the train was in. it was the milk train, 4, 30 a.m. depart, it was 4.28 a.m. How lucky was that. As I sat there lurching from side to side and feeling sicker by the second, I was rehearsing my excuses to Julia. What the bloody hell was I going to say? I ran all the way from the station home Julia was awake in her nightie and sitting in the lounge. I honestly dont think I have ever felt so bad and guilty in all my life. Julia was fine, I said I had missed the bus and she accepted that. I said I was with Grill one of the lads and we ended up walking home most of the way. I woke the next morning, late for me it was about ten oclock, then it all started coming back to me, what a nightmare, I really felt awful sickening guilt eating the insides of my stomach. I couldnt even stay in

the same room as her never mind look at her. I had to get out of the house; it didnt matter where I just had to go. I said to Julia that there was a job that needed finishing at work and that the boss had said I could go in and finish it if I wanted, She said her Mum was calling in so that made it easy, I told Julia I would be in the Dragon about half past one when I had finished, that was fine by her. By the time I had walked down to Mums popped in and said hello then to Bilton where the Dragon was, the pub was open. I really needed a hair of the dog, or even a few. How the hell did I get away with that one I thought? Now all I had to do was to keep the lads schtum. They would all be in the bar soon anyway so I could tell them to keep quiet. I felt terrible for about two weeks I never left the house apart from

219 going to work; it was horrible, guilt-ridden day upon day. As far as I was concerned that would never happen again.

I came home one night and Julia had made a stew, what a bloody disaster it was meat floating in dirty looking fatty water, I took one look at it and threw it in the bin, then I went up to the fish and chip shop. After that I sent Julia to my Mums to learn how to cook, it worked after about a month she could just about cook any average meal. Life started to settle down and I began going up to the Dragon on a Friday night to have a game of doms and a few pints. That was the only time I went out and I was always home just after closing. I was

quite happy with this and it lasted for a few months, then one night Russ and Terry and a few of the others decided they wanted more beer after 11 oclock so they suggested going uptown. We still didnt have a phone so I couldnt call Julia to tell her but it would be alright, I had by now a few brownie points in the bag. That was the start of regular Friday nights out with the boys which were to prove disastrous later on, I will tell you about them in a while, right now was the time for a career move. I was looking through Adline the graphic designers trade publication, news on new ad campaigns, new products available, ad-on services and situations vacant, when I saw an ad for artists at Tattersall Advertising which at the time was Harrogates only advertising agency. In our business, agency work

221 was the place to be, it was where the big money was and the best quality work. Tattersalls had a very prestigious client list for a regional agency, clients including TSB Bank, Humbrol Models, Yorkshire Electricity Retail, Heckmondwike Carpets and Shwarzkopft Hair Products plus many more smaller accounts. If I could get a job at Tattersall Advertising I would be well on my way to a good career. I was interviewed by the Joint Managing Director, Terence Mercer, one of two brothers, the other brother was called Gavin. Both were public school educated and came from very good stock, they had apparently inherited the agency from their father who had previously committed suicide. Gavin was a brilliant painter in his own right, his watercolours were superb, and Terence on the

other hand was in my opinion, a raving senile lunatic. Who had been to University, studied God knows what and ended up running the company.

The day of my interview arrived and I turned up as always early, solid wooden double doors greeted me with stone pillars on either side, the reception was exactly as you would expect, well decorated and furnished, with leather Chesterfield sofas in the reception alcoves. The receptionist was stereotype, bleach blonde hair, more make up than the ground floor of Boots and the biggest cleavage I had ever seen, bare in mind this was before boob jobs, she certainly wasnt a jogger, she would have knocked herself out with them. She was very busy answering call after call, which is always a good

223 sign, eventually she got round to ringing Mr Terence as I later learned he insisted on being called and announced that I had arrived, I was summoned to his office in due course, about ten minutes later. I knocked at the door and heard a voice say, Come, I felt so small as I walked into this massive office all the walls were panelled in solid oak, there was a picture of the Queen above the original Victorian fireplace and a picture of Churchill on the wall in front of me between the two large windows. The room was thick with cigar smoke you really could have cut it with a knife, and behind this wall of smoke sat Terence Mercer, tall, portly, balding and wearing a tidy trimmed moustache a bit like the one Gregory Peck used to wear. His shirt was starched, striped with a white collar, you know the old

fashioned type where you clip the collar on separately. The interview turned out to be the most bizarre experience, Terence asked me about my parents, what religion I was, where I was brought up, which schools I had been to, what politics I believed in, it was incredible, he was obviously a pompous pratt. However, I towed the line and answered the best I could, all-in-all the interview went quite well. After my grilling Terence stood and shook my hand, he then directed me back to reception where I was to sit and wait for my guided tour by the studio manager, David Linfoot. The agency was superb and the glimpse of the work the artists were doing was magnificent and to a really high standard. I really fancied this job even though the boss was a pompous prick.

225

A couple of weeks went by before the letter arrived, it read: Thank you for your application for the position of graphic designer, unfortunately you have been unsuccessful on this occasion. Well, I thought, the twat doesnt deserve me anyway. I showed Julia the letter and she was quite supportive and told me that I wasnt to worry as it was the first job Id applied for, so off I went to work as usual. Half way through the morning Adrian called me and said there was a call for me, he let me take it in his office. It was Terence Mercer, he asked me if I had received the letter and then instructed me to tear it up, he said there had been a mistake and I should have had a letter offering me the job. I couldnt believe it; I was overjoyed and

found it extremely difficult to hide my pleasure. However, it did confirm for me that the bloke I was about to work for was a complete nutter. Leaving Adrian and the rest of the crowd was a bit an upheaval but we parted on the best of terms and stayed friends for years after that.

The first day was the usual tense and apprehensive affair, I really didnt know what to expect, I mean this was a top notch advertising agency, very posh and all the rest. I arrived well early and was asked to sit in the reception area again and wait for Mr Terences arrival. No sooner had I sat down when a tall figure came up the stairs, I recognised him straight away, he was a lad called Andy Brown whom Id known at York College of Art. Andy

227 approached the reception desk and explained he was starting work there as well, I couldnt believe what I was hearing, I was so relieved and I suppose that put me at ease straight away. Andy and I sat and chatted until the dreaded Mr Terence arrived. One weekend Julia went away to see her relatives in Cheshire, that meant I had the entire weekend to myself. On the Friday night I met the lads in town, it was good to see them and we had a laugh so much so we arranged to go out the following night too. Saturday nights are always busy in town and theres always plenty of girls around, however on this occasion we were more interested in drinking and having a good time, talking about the past and generally taking the piss out of each other. We had another good night and far too much to drink. I

woke up on the Sunday morning with a bit of a head but it was footy today, so I had to get into gear, feed the kittens and myself and then get ready for the match. Julia had got these two fluffy white kittens from a friend, the female was named Mini because she was tiny and the male we named Mutton Geoff because he was deaf. I was in the kitchen making some bacon and eggs when I opened the door to get the milk, Mini scarpered out of the door leaving me to run after her in my underpants. I grabbed the little sod at the end of the path and went to go back into the house; the door had closed behind me. I looked through the kitchen window and could see my breakfast sizzling away on the cooker, Shit! What the hell am I going to do? I was stood almost naked holding a bloody cat

229 and within a few minutes my kitchen would be on fire. I heard my neighbour open his door, it was Mr Shields, a really nice old man, he asked what was wrong, but I had no time to explain, I just passed him the kitten and ran up the street to the phone box, Oh fuck! There was a bloke on the phone, I opened the door, grabbed him and pulled him out, he dropped the phone on his way and I rushed in to phone the Fire Brigade. By the time I had run back to the house I could hear the sirens of the Fire engines coming, Mr Shields was still holding the damn kitten; I sat on the wall and put the Mini on my lap. Within seconds the first of two fire engines arrived along with half the street, there must have been over fifty people looking at me sitting on a wall with no clothes on apart from my underpants,

firemen piled out of the cab and came clambering up the path. Two of them were in the football team; they were laughing and going on about being late for the kick-off, one of them slid the glass panels from the shutter window and climbed into the kitchen, he turned the gas off and opened the door presenting me with a smoking pan full of burnt bacon. When I got to the changing rooms the whole team had already heard and they took the piss out of me through the entire game. When Julia arrived home that evening I never mentioned it, but the next day when I got home from work she started laughing and asked if I had seen a fire on the way home? Mrs Shields had told her the whole story whilst I was at work. It took a good few weeks before I could live that down.

231

On another occasion that I had been playing football and had a few pints after the game I arrived home and things were not normal at all. Julia was sitting on the settee in tears; she leapt up and threw her arms around me. I held her tight and asked what was wrong? She started to explain to me that she had walked up to the shop that morning for some cigarettes, she was still quivering like she was scared. On her way back from the shop a youth had ridden past her on his bike and grabbed her breast, but the thing that really scared her was the fact that this kid had followed her at a distance all the way back to the house and then ridden round and round. This petrified her and she sat in the lounge crying until her mother arrived with the

doors locked. Pat had taken Julia to the police station and reported this. The desk sergeant had told them both that the police had been looking for this lad for months and that this was the latest of several assaults on women. I was fuming, I asked Julia exactly where it had happened and got on her little bike. I went straight to the place where it had happened and waited. I could see from the alley where I was the public telephone box and a women walking towards it. I couldnt believe my eyes when this lad appeared, just as Julia had described him, he was tall wearing all the same clothes as she had said and riding a racing bike, whats more he was heading at speed towards this women. I set off straight out of the alley and collided with him, we both fell on to the road, he was up like a flash and

233 off again on his bike. I jumped onto the bike and chased after him. There was no way I was going to let this piece of shit get away from me, I peddled and peddled to try and keep up with him, he took me into the centre of Harrogate and out again towards the north side, we were heading straight for my Mum and Dads house, as we got nearer and nearer I thought I will stop there and get Mums car, I leapt off the bike, it went crashing to the ground, I ran in through the back door, grabbed the keys off the key hook and ran out of the front door, Dad had heard the commotion and he came running out of the house after me, I didnt have time to explain, I shouted, Get in, he did and I started to tell him all about it whilst I was driving in the direction that I last saw this bastard who dared to touch my wife

had gone. We drove right down the hill through the Coppice Estate and on to Jennyfields, this was a brand new council estate, I could sense he was in here somewhere. We drove around for ages and then we came out onto the main road back into Harrogate. As we approached New Park I saw him on the pavement, stood high on his peddles looking around, presumably for me on a bike. I never said a word to Dad, when we got right near him I swung the car across the road, mounted the pavement and hit him and the bike; he flew straight over a garden wall and landed on someones lawn. I jumped out of the car, over the wall and landed on him. I started punching him with real devastating blows to his head and face, blood was flying everywhere. Bear in mind that I could have got the

235 wrong kid because I hadnt actually seen him do anything. Dad grabbed me and pulled me off him, Go ring the police, he barked. This kid was screaming, It wasnt me, it wasnt me that touched your wife! That was good enough for me; I swung out with my right foot and caught him under the chin as Dad was dragging him to his feet. It was a perfect volley, he screamed as his mouth exploded again there was blood everywhere. Get the bloody police or it will be you that they arrest! Dad barked again. I ran to the phone box and made the call. We waited and waited but there was no sign of the police so Dad said Get the little bastard in the car we will take him. Dad put him in the back and got in next to him holding him very tight by the neck. As I was getting out of the car at the police station I

couldnt resist giving him another right hand to the side of the head, he screamed again and the police came rushing out. Two police officers grabbed me and held my arms up my back whilst Dad explained to them what was going on. Once inside, the desk sergeant recognised my name immediately and told me they were going to take him in for questioning and advised me that I was very lucky not to be charged myself. I turned around as we were leaving and said to him, You couldnt find him in months, it took me less than an hour! Dad said shut up and get out. He later admitted several counts of sexual assault and was sent to a Borstal. The next time I was to see him was a year later, I was on my way to my parents house and waiting to cross the main Kings Road, he was there as large as life riding

237 another bike and coming straight towards me, as he got within reach I lashed out with one punch, he dropped like a brick, I turned and ran down a side street, I could hear car tyres screeching, maybe he had gone under a car? I went round the back way to Mum and Dads. When I walked through the door Mum said,What has happened? youre white!, I told her and she ran out to see whether the kid was still alive, when she came back she said there was no sign of him. The piece of shit was still alive.

A while went by without me getting myself into trouble with the opposite sex again, work was really good and I was getting on extremely well with one of the secretaries, her name was Tessa, she was very nice. I had to work with Tessa on a few

different accounts and I used to ask Dave Linfoot for those particular jobs because I knew I would be working with her, everyone in the agency fancied her. One night I had finished work and set off walking home, just as I got about a hundred yards down the road I saw Tessa by the side of her car with the bonnet open. She was obviously having a problem starting it and asked me if I knew anything about cars. She might as well have asked me if I had ever been to the moon, not a bloody clue, however I looked under the bonnet and tried the ignition a few times nothing. I decided the best thing to do was to try and bump it off, so we gave it a go amazing it started after a cough and splutter, Tessa was well impressed with my efforts, she then offered me a lift, which I accepted without a split

239 second of thought and off we went, we chatted for the short journey mostly about work then she dropped me off at the top of the road near home. As the weeks went by Tessa and I got friendlier and then my twenty first birthday came around. I decided to invite a load of friends to the Bali Hai night club including all the staff from work.

I will never ever forget that night, Julia my wife was with me, as would be expected, but Tessa and another secretary, Jane who, Elliot my Jewish mate from the studio fancied, sat right next to me and never stopped talking to me. Julia didnt seem to notice and spent all night talking to Sandra, Pauls wife. Tessa asked me to dance with her, so we danced and danced and danced. The chemistry

was electric, I am not joking when I say that I really fell in love for the first time, we even kissed right in the middle of the dance floor surrounded by all my friends and colleagues. Fortunately Julia was not in view she was sat around the corner at the other end of the club. All I could think about that night was Tessa, the next morning I was out of bed and ready for work like a shot I ran to the top of the road, where it joined the main road which Tessa used to use to get to work. I walked really slowly hoping Tessa would drive by and offer me a lift. Not a chance it took me about twenty five minutes to walk a journey that would normally take me five. She never appeared so I went into work. As the morning commenced and the days work load was being distributed to the various departments, Tessa

241 came through the studio doors and looked up the stairs towards my desk. She gave me a wry smile and winked at me, my heart was pounding I could feel myself melting, I really havent felt like this before I thought to myself. Tessa brought some amendments up to me, which was not normal. Normally she would have to brief Dave and then he would brief me, but he never said a word and then even suggested to Tessa that in future, if it was a job that was ongoing she could brief me direct. What a bonus this was to turn out to be. After wed had a chat about the amendments, I asked Tessa if she had enjoyed herself the night before. She smiled, a smile that said a thousand words, wow, I could feel the adrenalin racing around my body and then she passed me a piece of paper, folded and

tucked under the brief. Tessa disappeared back upstairs to the executive suite as I hurried into the gents to read my note. Tonight at the car, it is parked same place as usual. She wanted to see me, that night after work I couldnt believe it. Linfoot had no chance of getting me to work overtime that evening. Come half past five I was out of the door like a flash. Tessa arrived more or less straight after me and opened the car. Fancy going for a drink?, her eyes were smiling at me, she was lovely and whats more I was moonstruck. We went out of Harrogate and up to the Smiths Arms at Beckwithshaw, ironic really considering thats where my wedding reception was held. We chatted and touched each others hands all the time whilst we were talking, I know we were both just so excited,

243 this was heaven on earth. After we had finished our drinks Tessa said that she must go because her fianc was due home from work at seven and she should be at home when he arrived. I really didnt want to leave the pub but I knew we had to. Tessa drove back in to town and stopped down a back street not too far from my house, but far enough for Julia not to come walking by. We talked a little more and then embraced each other with real emotion we kissed so passionately it was untrue, my loins were burning and felt so weak, it was hot steamy and sensual. I had never felt this before not in a million years, I cannot explain what my body was feeling. We eventually pulled away from each other at eight oclock, we had been kissing and caressing for an hour and a quarter, unbelievable, Tessa was

soaking, I could feel the heat and warmth between her legs and smell the sweet smell of love from her orgasms, I was as hard as a rock and in pain. What you have got to remember is that in the eighties tight, straight legged jeans were in fashion, my balls were busting. I now know where the saying comes from. This became a daily event and we even met at lunch times out of the way of work mates, Tessa and I were truly madly in love, the petting got heavier as the days went by and I was desperate to make love to her. She had slightly more self control than me and after all she was some eight years my senior. One night she said that her fianc was going away on business for a week filming and she would be home alone for a week, this was it, our chance

245 to make love unhurried in respectable surroundings, thinking back I believe this was the opportunity Tessa had been waiting for, she was too much of a lady to have a passionate shag in a car. I was actually to find out very different as our relationship blossomed.

That night came and not too soon either. I arrived at Tessas house armed with a bottle of red wine, I was greeted with a coy but nice smile, I think she was starting to get nervous it was the first time we had been alone together in the perfect environment. Tessa looked fantastic, she wore a thin silk blouse, I could see her bra through it and it was open to reveal her plentiful cleavage, a nicely fitted skirt and stockings and heeled shoes. She

looked fantastic, she had already started on the wine, a bottle was open next to the fireplace where the fire was crackling and spitting away, it was dimly lit and delightful. We sat on the rug in front of the fire and sipped red wine talking as we normally did for the first fifteen minutes about the days events at the office. Soon we started to kiss and touch each other, then we embraced and kissed with real passion, we both knew that tonight was the night. Then with absolute perfect timing the phone rang, I pleaded with her not to answer it but she knew she would have to because it was her fianc shit I couldnt believe it! That was it there was no chance now. I picked up my glass and disappeared into the other room, lit a cigarette and contemplated what might have been. I was quite

247 surprised when within a few minutes Tessa opened the door and said to me, Its OK hes gone just checking in. Before I knew it we were back in front of the fire kissing even more passionately. I leant forward as to push her back to lie down, and as she did so she put her arms around my neck and pulled me on to her. We groped each other tearing at each others clothing rolling too-and-fro on the rug, I slipped my hand on to her leg and lifted her skirt, soft silk stockings or were they tights, my hand went higher with no resistance, suspenders, yes! Within seconds her skirt was high above her loins, lacy black panties against her olive skin, I was in heaven, I didnt even attempt to take them off I was so eager and hard, it was sheer lust, she slipped them aside and I could feel the heat and warmth as

I got closer, she was wet, very wet, we made love half clothed writhing against and at each other, biting, squeezing, kissing each others upper torso with passion and venom. I can assure you it wasnt long before I couldnt help myself, we kissed more, panting, nosing and necking, it seemed like forever it was beautiful and felt so right, Tessa wriggled to one side and squeezed her body from under mine, Lets go upstairs, we both climbed the stairs, clothes half on half off by the time we had reached the bedroom. I was naked, Tessa still had her underwear on, well her stockings and suspenders, as she moved to undo her stockings I said, No, leave them on she did and we made love again. That night I floated home not a care in the world. Julia was in bed thank God, I was still trembling, I

249 poured myself a scotch, Oh my God what a night.

At the time I found it surprisingly easy to lie and deceive my wife, it was probably because I was so infatuated with Tessa, I had in the past, as I said earlier, had a major guilt trip with the first girl after I had got married. By now I had been married nearly a year and looking back it was a pretty disgraceful start to married life. I was actually very happy at the time; Julia was and still is a lovely person.

Tessa and I carried on for a long time keeping our affair secret as best we could. We used to meet every Thursday night and go out into the country for a drink, then on the way home we used to stop at a really good place in the middle of nowhere and

make love in the car or in the bushes. One day I popped in to see Jenny my eldest sister, I was passing so I thought I would just call in to say hello. Things were as normal, Jenny chasing around the house after her three boys then I remember standing in the kitchen having a coffee and to my surprise Jenny blurted out, Are you having an affair? I nearly choked on my coffee, I mean I could understand maybe someone from work asking me this but my sister, I hardly ever saw her never mind told her anything about my life. I of course did the right thing and denied all knowledge of what she was asking and Jennifer kept quiet as to why she thought I was. Somehow this seemed to be the beginning of the end for Tessa and me.

251 Work was still good but there was something inside telling me to move on, I wanted a company car, I wanted to do better for myself. Watching jumped-up prats in suits every day playing at being executives when they knew nothing about the job really pissed me off and I knew they were on much better money. I was the one that spent every day putting jobs right that they had incorrectly briefed in, I knew I could do their job standing on my head so I sat and brooded for weeks. One day I saw an advertisement in the paper for executives for the company so I wrote in for the job and mentioned it to no one. After a week or so I received in the post a letter with the company franking mark, when I opened the letter and couldnt believe what I was reading, Thankyou for your application, however

on this occasion you have not been selected for an interview, we wish you all the best for the future signed by my Managing Director. What a pompous twat, I was livid; I ripped the letter into little pieces and stormed out of the door to work. That day I asked the Company Secretary for an appointment with the Managing Director to find out why no one had even mentioned it and also the fact that I wasnt, as far as they were concerned worthy of an interview.

I got my appointment and was told that I was too valuable in the studio, reading between the lines he meant I didnt talk with a pair of bollocks in my mouth and had never had a silver spoon shoved up my arse.

253

Well that was it from that day on I spent all my energy looking for a job as an executive in the trade press. It didnt take long before I had a couple of interviews lined up, I was offered both jobs and chose the one that I thought would best suit me it did. Now I had a new lease of life, I was a young executive with a company car, briefcase and a suit the mutts nuts!

This did of course mean leaving Tessa and not being able to see her every day, we tried for a while but what I thought was my destiny turned out to be nothing. Within weeks I heard that Tessa was knocking off one of the print suppliers so much for Tessa.

Along with the new job came new opportunities, studio staff, secretaries, clerical staff looking up at me, clients to impress it was exciting and I was surrounded by women. It didnt take me long to get into the swing of things, the people I was working with were great, much more of a team than at Tattersalls. After work we would all go for a drink, studio staff, secretaries, executives and the Managing Director, a totally different ball game compared with the one I was used to. This was very good and the morale in the company was superb. The Managing Director was a real jack the lad, not much older than me at the time he was about 30 and I had reached the grand age of 23. My main job with MCA was to attract new clients by

255 canvassing and then presenting the agencys credentials, quite scary at first but it didnt take me long to get the hang of things and the new clients started to come in. Mike the boss, was pleased with my work, he bought me a new car a Ford XR3i, I was as Happy as Larry. Along with the new car came the women, flash car for a kid of 23, so all the female staff started to really notice me and back in Harrogate so did the women down the pub. Julia and I had moved by this time to a three-bedroom semi down on the Coppice Estate, when I was a kid they built this estate on Webbs farmland just round the corner from Mum and Dads, I thought they were really posh and now I owned one. I can still remember the first night in the new house looking down the moonlit tree-lined road from the bedroom

window, it felt fantastic. Julia was still working at the medical centre as a receptionist, but she was getting very broody, she really wanted a baby and kept harping on about being a geriatric mother at 25. We decided to try for a family; I think I was just going with the flow, never really thought about it much. After six months we had had no results so Julia got into this measuring temperatures scenario, it was quite funny because I would be down stairs making breakfast or painting the ceiling, then I would hear this call from upstairs, Jon, come up my temperature is perfect, so I would have to stop whatever I was doing at whatever time of day and perform my duty. Hilarious when I look back. Well it worked and Julia announced she was pregnant and the baby was due in the October of 1984. As Julia

257 got bigger and bigger I just carried on with my work. I had produced more than was required for Mike and he knew it, Mike was always into flash motors and prided himself on the fact that he drove a big 7 series BMW and done so since the age of 26 so I got into him one day travelling to a meeting. I asked him if I could have a Porsche and he laughed at first. It took me all that summer to wear him down, my final gambit being I would leave if he didnt get me one. Well Mike finally gave in and in the October my metallic ice-blue Porsche arrived. Everyone looked at it, all the lads in the football team spent hours walking around it, and I spent hours taking them for a spin in it, they would fight over who was coming with me to away matches and as for the women, well it was like being a film

star, and having a penis extension to twelve inches! I couldnt, even if I had wanted to, get rid of their attention, it was great, but I had a problem I had a pregnant wife at home. I fought with my conscience on more than one occasion but always lost and gave in especially after couple of drinks, lets face it I was weak although it did me a lot of good and gave me more and more confidence. One week we were in London for an exhibition on behalf of one of our clients, at lunch time we decided to nip over to Sloane to a pub that Graham, one of the other executives knew. We had just arrived in the pub with possibly only one mouthful of beer consumed when this girl looked across at me and said, Is it Jonathan, Jonathan Cogdon? I replied, Yes, and then immediately

259 recognised her, it was Karen from school, I used to knock about with her brother Tony. She looked quite different her hair was short and scraggy, dyed auburn and she wore scruffy jeans and a sloppy top, she came over and I introduced her to Graham. It was unbelievable right in the middle of London and to bump into someone I hadnt seen for over eight years. I explained to Karen that we were at a computer exhibition and she showed great interest, then she explained that she had her own business delivering fresh salmon in the early morning and could really do with a computer for her business. I gave Karen a pass to get into the exhibition and after a bit of a laugh talking about old times we set off back to Olympia. Karen had said that she might come along later in the day and have a look round.

The afternoon went by and it started to get latish when I saw this attractive female, long blonde hair v-neck lambs wool sweater under a well tailored jacket and fitted skirt to match waving at me from further down the aisle. As she got closer you could have knocked me over with a feather it was Karen wearing a wig that looked superb and a figure to die for, my tongue must have been dropping out. I looked at Graham and the expression on his face was hilarious. We walked around the exhibition for a while, said farewell to the client and made for the exit. Karen hadnt even looked at a computer but what the hell it was worth it just to see her in this outfit. As we approached the car Karen asked if we would like to eat before we set off, I turned to Graham and asked him what he thought, Graham

261 was always ready to eat and didnt take any persuading. Karen took us round the corner, not far, to an Indian restaurant saying, This is one of my favourites when I am in this part of town I didnt care and Graham was easily pleased especially when an Indian meal was put in front of him. We sat down to what I would describe as an average Indian meal but the conversation was good and the company even better. Graham got up and went to the toilet, as soon as he was out of sight Karen lent over the table; I got a right eyeful of her tits. I could see right down the top of her v-neck and she asked me if I would like to stay in London for breakfast. At this moment in time I had to just pinch myself and make sure I was where I thought I was. I sat back and smiled, When Graham gets back go to the loo

I said. As Graham returned Karen stood and made her way to the ladies. I told Graham and he said he had no problem with driving back on his own, so I was going to get the first train out of Kings Cross at 7am in the morning and be in the office for 9.15. Graham was going to tell Mike I would be a little late for work fantastic. After the meal Karen and I saw Graham off and went to one of her favourite haunts where I was introduced to loads of people from all walks of life, it was a very entertaining evening, the last place we went to was just over the road from Karens flat where they played live music it was quite a trendy cellar bar. By this time I was well on my way to being pissed and was well relieved when last orders came and went. Karens flat was beautiful, really smart but cosy as well, we

263 had a coffee and a couple of cigs and then it was time for bed. This was a night I will never forget we made love for hours, Karen had the ability to get me hard again and again and again it seemed to go on for hours well it did, her body was perfect. Dont get me wrong she is quite a good looking girl but I had never really paid her much attention at school and I never remembered her having tits like that. I think it was about three in the morning by the time we actually fell asleep in each others arms. The next thing I knew Karen was kissing my neck and telling me to wake up she was wearing a silk dressing gown, I put my arms inside it and pulled it open, Karen lowered herself onto me and we made love again, this time it was pure lust, I think it lasted about five minutes. Karen had run a bath for me

and I could smell bacon cooking she was obviously up well before she chose to wake me. After breakfast I got ready to go and as I walked out of the door I realized I had no money, well nowhere near enough for the train fare. Karen went to her bureau and let the drawer down I was amazed to see literally thousands of pounds just piled high. Will 40 be enough to get you back? she said , Yes, great thanks, I replied, kissed her and hastily made my way to the tube station. I arrived in good time to get the train and made my way back to Leeds, what a night and I got paid as well! Graham couldnt believe it we had a right laugh about it at lunchtime and when Mike heard what I had been up to he took the piss out of me for weeks, calling me a male whore. There were many such instances

265 during this time, for example when I went to Gothenburg with 33 counter staff from National Express Coaches. We were doing their advertising for the weekend break and their advertising manager for National Express thought it would be a good idea if we all experienced what we were going to sell in the advertising campaign. I was to share a cabin with three girls from the North East what a bloody weekend this was going to be. After boarding the ship at Harwich we were shown our cabins, I grabbed the top bunk on the right and layed there establishing that this was going to be my bed. Within minutes the cabin was full of girls, about fifteen of them squeezed in to the tiny space, they were deciding what to buy from duty free, once decided they disappeared, peace at last but not for

long. Minutes later the first lot were back waving their bounty in the air and ready to party. Within seconds the rest of them were back and we had just set sail, it was five in the afternoon and the girls were getting an early start. I was trying to talk them into going elsewhere because I wanted a bit of shut-eye before the night began, but they werent having any of that I was the main attraction being the only male in their company. They said if I didnt join in they were going to strip me and I am sure they would have done so I gave in and started to join in the fun. I would imagine that the average age of these girls was around 23 but they were like kids in a chocolate factory, raring to go with only one thing on their minds fun. You would have thought they had never been away before and that we were

267 on our way to Benidorm not Gothenburg in February. So the night started with a bang, there were three bars on the ship, each opened at different times with a happy hour, some of the girls out investigating and told us that the mid-deck bar was about to open, all drinks were half price. The concensus was that we make our way to the bar and start the evening off there, it was still only seven in the evening and they were really getting in the swing. During this time I was able to study the girls and tell which ones were really game, they were all vying for pole position but I thought the best thing to do was bide my time and see what happened. Two of the girls sharing my cabin were very nice, Sandy and Carol the other one was a dog, in fact, I dont even remember her name, I had

my eyes on the other two. Of course there were plenty of others to choose from but it seemed easier with them sharing the same cabin. As the night went on we moved up to the disco bar where by nine oclock they were starting their happy hour, oh! By the way, happy hour lasted for two hours so you could go straight from one on to the next one. As you can imagine by now the party was in full swing and I danced with everyone of them I was knackered. My shirt was soaking so I told Sandy I was going to change, she followed me straight to the cabin. As soon as we were in the cabin she was laid out on her bunk which was directly under mine, whilst I was putting a clean shirt on she was peeling of her skin tight jeans off absolutely no messing she was hot to trot. I was going to say we made love but

269 we didnt it was more of lusty shag, she was happy so we went back to the party and it was then that I got the most attention. All the girls wanted to know where we had been and in particular why I had a different shirt on. They took this as the green light because my excuse that it was sweaty didnt wear with them, they knew what Sandy and I had been doing, and whats more they wanted some. For the first time in my life I didnt have to try one little bit, they were all there on a plate, paradise. The night went on and I had two more visits to the cabin by the time it got to the early hours I was pissed and so tired after all the travelling and excursion that I sneaked off to the cabin for a well-earned kip. When I got to the cabin Sandy was already there with a lad about the same age as her, 20ish, I

jumped up onto my bunk and let them carry on, all I wanted to do was sleep. Shortly after, I was still awake, couldnt sleep for some bloody reason, the lad got up and crept out of the door. Sandy stood up and tugged on my arm, Come and keep me warm. I thought this was quite horny, so I jumped down and got in with her. Before long we were feeling each other again, this time it was more pleasing, all I could think about was this lad giving her one ten minutes earlier and it excited me it was a different experience. The next morning we were up fairly early and in the breakfast room, what was really good was that Sandy didnt follow me everywhere she didnt assume that we were together or anything like that, I sat and had breakfast with some of the other girls. I had never

271 seen a breakfast spread like this before they had everything you could possibly think of that was English, porridge, full English, cereals, toast, fruit, everything and then everything that was Swedish and Danish, cold meats, salamis, cheeses, black bread, sticky pastries a really exotic spread fit for a king. We spent two hours in the breakfast hall chatting and having a laugh about the night before; some of the girls had found other males which was a relief for me. After breakfast we decided to go to the sauna so I nipped off and got my towel from the cabin, as it was I neednt have bothered because they supplied them. What a surprise I got, mixed saunas that was an experience it could have been quite embarrassing but I managed to keep control of myself. Later we went to the first happy hour bar

and it looked like starting again, some of the girls said they werent going to bother getting off the ship to see Gothenburg but I thought it would be a good break from drinking so I went. That night was pretty much a repeat of the night before apart from a couple of different girls but the one I really fancied was Carol she was older than the others and she just had a look about her. All men know this look I call it looking mucky and Carol did. She spent most of the night dancing with a bloke who I would have said was in his mid to late thirties which is what I thought Carol might be. As the night drew to a close, well for me that is, I was knackered again and Carol was still dancing with this bloke so I just kicked it out of my head and went to bed. It was about four in the morning when Carol came in she

273 woke me by putting the bathroom light on, I rolled onto my side and watched her undress, she had black hair, a nice black silky evening dress and stockings. Well, that was it I sat up and whispered to her, Leave them on. Carol looked up and smiled, I thought you would be asleep by now, she whispered back. She climbed up to her bunk opposite mine and I climbed very carefully across as the other two were asleep below us. This one was much better than the others, we had to be so quiet, so we made love very slowly and gentle, touching and caressing the others had just been lust you know just a quick shag but this was nice, warm, different and her skin was really soft. We were now heading back across the North Sea to England due to dock at about 6.30pm but there was

plenty of time for more during the day. We were in the happy hour bar again by lunchtime and everyone was just topping up from the night before and by 2pm we were all dancing on the tables again. That afternoon was a scream. Other passengers came to join us, people we had nodded to over the past couple of days and also the other blokes that had managed to pull some of the girls in our party including the two lads that were with Sandy and Carol. It got to mid-afternoon and the girls were very relaxed again Carol moved closer to me and we started flirting with each other again, we were soon back in the cabin for our last fling together. It turned out that Carol worked with her husband and was just a friend of one of the girls on the trip, as I was dressing I asked her if she wanted

275 me to send her friend down, she looked shocked at first then smiled and said, Dont you mind? Why should I? I replied and walked out laughing. When I got back up to the bar I went over to the bloke and told him Carol wanted to see him in the cabin. You should have seen his face he went bright red and all the others sat around him and jeered as he got up to go to her. We were all laughing but it just seemed that everyone accepted it as part and parcel of a weekend cruise. Next on my menu was one of the girls from the first night, she was petite, tasty blonde from Newcastle. The whole weekend was quite an experience and everyone there was there to have fun I dont know why I havent been on one again it was a riot. We finished the weekend off as we started by drinking until the ship was

docking in Harwich once we had disembarked and we were on the coach I slept all the way back to Yorkshire. I remember coming back late on the Sunday night and feeling like death for days. Julia somehow had no idea or maybe she did and just chose to ignore it, she got on with having the baby and she seemed happy enough as she got bigger and bigger. At about this time I let myself down very badly again we went out on yet another stag night and we were having a really good night, there must have been about thirty of us drinking and enjoying ourselves. We decided to move on from the pub we were in, the West Park, and make our way into the centre of Harrogate nearer to the clubs where we would be making our way later. As we turned the

277 corner heading central there was shouting and screaming, I could see the silhouette of a lad being punched and kicked by two blokes. I started to walk faster , as I got closer it became apparent that the person being punched and kicked was one of the lads with us, a lad called Pete, I won't mention his surname because he's not worth it but he knows who he is, I started running and so did the other two with me Nidge and Terry, I was there first, the poor guy didn't see me coming until I was right on top of him, I swung one very hard straight punch into his face, he dropped like a stone, his head bounced off the road as he hit the deck, there was blood spurting out of his mouth and he was unconscious, the other fella had run off, Nidge kicked him over so he was on his side, we didn't want him to choke to

death, anyway by this time I had fled the scene and went straight to the hotdog stand. I could feel the pain in my hand and when I looked at it in the light it was bad, I had a two inch cut across my knuckle, I couldn't move it and it was pissing blood. I was stood talking to Pete trying to find out what had happened. What a bloody plank, the dozy drunken git had only thrown a brick through a window, when the blokes had seen it they tried to apprehend him. As I was telling him what I thought of him I was grabbed from behind, I turned and swung out, I caught the bloke full on the jaw, as he reeled back I realised he was a copper, Shit !, Big shit! The pain shot through my already damaged hand, before I knew it there must have been five or six coppers all over me like a rash. The police cuffed

279 me and threw me into the back of a police car, my hand was killing me by this time, the copper in the passenger seat was the one I had smacked he was hitting me with his truncheon. I laid as far back behind the driver as I could get and kicked like a mule so while he was knocking fuck out of my legs I was kicking him in the head and arms. When we arrived at the back of the station about four more coppers came running out batons at the ready, what a set of pratts, you would have thought a gang load of bloody yobs had arrived not a bloke in a suit five foot eight tall. I was dragged into the station they were punching me in the ribs and pulling my hair. Without a breath they had me in for fingerprints, they really enjoyed that especially when they got to the gaping wound in my knuckle,

the copper really took his time twisting my finger from left to right so he got all the print, I could have screamed the house down it hurt like hell. After that I was taken to the cells, stripped of all my clothing apart from my underwear, given a plastic mattress, and thrown into a cell. By this time my hand had started to swell, the blood was still flowing and it was agony, I pressed the bell inside the cell for attention no one came, I pressed it again and still no one came so I stood with my forehead against the bell pressing it continuously. The door opened eventually and a fist came through it at a rapid rate and caught me on the side of the head. I fell back onto the wooden bed the copper was not amused, he said to me if I touched the bell again it would be a lot worse. I believed him but I didn't care, I asked

281 him for a cigarette and a doctor, he just laughed and closed the door. Now I was really pissed off so I put my head against the bell again it only took a matter of seconds before the door opened again, this time it was a different copper, I knew this one from football, he was a referee in the Sunday league he told me to sit down and explained that if I carried on the other copper would give me a real hard time. He sat on the wooden bed with me and gave me a cig whilst I explained to him what had happened. I could tell he sympathized with me but like he said at the time the law is the law, he had worse news for me too, the guy I had hit was a solicitor and he was in hospital. I had knocked all four of his front teeth out. This was bad news because I had the other charge of assaulting a

policeman to face as well. We had another cig whilst I came to terms with what I was about to face and he explained that I would be interviewed the next morning and most probably released, God I hoped so. Eventually I slept, I was frozen no blanket, just in my underwear in the middle of February it was horrible. The next morning I was woken and given greasy egg and bacon from a local hotel and a plastic teaspoon to eat it with after that I was interviewed and charged with two counts of actual bodily harm. What a mess! after I had stayed out of trouble for such a long time. I felt ashamed and that I had let my wife and myself down badly. The date of my appearance had been set and I was to face the charges in Harrogate Magistrates Court

283 I had eight weeks of sheer hell worrying about the outcome and how it would affect my career. The date arrived and I went to court, the good news was that the police had dropped the charge against the police officer and I only had the charge against the solicitor to face. It was all very traumatic but I was pleased with the outcome. I was fined 180 for the assault and had to pay 360 for some new teeth, what I didn't know at the time was that the solicitor was getting married two days after I had clocked him, so he had to get married with no teeth, there is justice after all. I soon put this behind me although I have never forgiven that prick Pete. By the way he was fined 50 for criminal damage, I should have made him pay my bloody fine the weasel, so my advice to anyone is if your mate gets himself in a

jam through his own stupidity - let him stew in it !

285

A True life Miracle

Julia was two weeks late and it got to the evening of the 25 October 1984, we were sat watching television when Julia jumped up and announced she was starting with the baby. Talk about panic stations I ran around the house like a chicken with its head cut off, Julia on the other hand announced she was going to have a bath and get ready. What the bloody hell did she think this was, a scene from her beloved Dallas? I was doing my nut running up and down stairs, her bag was already packed and she was having a bath and making herself up! At this stage I hadnt had time to actually consider what was happening as I recall I was just pouring my third scotch when Julia came trundling downstairs. I put her in the car and set off for

Carlton Lodge, this was a private maternity hospital on the south side of Harrogate, Julia had booked in there because she wanted to do all this the natural way, no epidurals, nothing, grit your teeth and get on with it girl. I was stunned when we arrived, we were both shown to a private room by a midwife who checked Julia out, timing her contractions and all that stuff that they do. The prognosis was we had at least a few hours before the baby was due, this was nightmare news for me I am, at the best of times the most impatient person in the world and I was ten times worse in those days. Julia seemed fine and relaxed, she was just laid on the bed as though she was at home watching television, unlike yours truly who was in and out like a jack-in-a box, one cigarette after another. By this time it had just

287 gone midnight and the thought of sitting there hour after hour really didnt appeal to me but I had no choice, I was there for the duration like it or not. As the night went on Julias contractions became closer and closer, when the groans started and the I could see the sweat on her brow I knew we were nearly there. The midwife moved us into the delivery room at about 6.00am I was amazed, I really expected half a dozen people in white gowns and face masks, a clinical room with bright lights, but instead nothing, just me Julia and the midwife. It started to get really serious in there and the midwife told me to hold one of Julias legs I was doing my best to stay at the top end talking to Julia but then she really started to push, now I had been to the classes with her and started to do the breathing

thing in tandem. As the labour got worse, I could see the veins sticking out of her neck and temples, by this time she was screaming and sweating like a pig, I went down the bottom end out of the way with the midwife, I couldnt stand seeing my wife go through all that, silly cow should have had gas and air or something. It was unbelievably exciting and when the first real push came and I saw the top of a little head, the midwife told me to sponge it so I did. This was the most incredible thing that I had ever seen in my life; Julia was pushing and screaming, then one more push and I could see the whole head, all of a sudden I realised there was a problem Julia was screaming like hell on earth she couldnt get the shoulders out, the midwife shot across the room and grabbed a scalpel, she told Julia she was

289 going to have to cut her, she did I saw it what a bloody mess it was turning out to be, Julia pushed again and again with the loudest scream of all then whoosh! the midwife grabbed the baby and within a flash it was laid on Julias stomach stretching from her lower abdomen to under her chin, bloody massive, I couldnt believe my eyes. The midwife carried on with what she was trained to do and I just took one step back aghast. The midwife turned to me with this massive bundle and said, Say hello to your son. I held him for a few seconds before passing him to Julia. I just burst into tears, I was so happy I had never in my life thought that you could love something so much within a few seconds. The midwife asked us what we were going to call him? Now Julia and I had discussed all sorts of names

for boys and girls but I didnt hesitate for one second I looked at Julia and said James Alexander Cogdon Julia smiled and agreed, I think even if she had had a problem with that she wouldnt have argued at the time she was absolutely knackered. James after my grandfather and Alexander was my Dads middle name plus those names would give him the same initials as me, his Grandad and great Grandad J.A.C. this has been a family tradition for four generations now perfect I now had a son. How I thought about the business with the names at the time I will never know, I cant think that logical at the best of times never mind when Im under mega stress. The midwife whisked James away, probably to count toes and all that, but I had already done it. It was now gone eight oclock on the 26 October

291 1984, the day before my birthday, what a present that was, the best birthday present I have ever had or indeed will ever have. I sat with Julia while the midwife was gone, we were both so pleased our dream had come true and I could see it in her eyes. We both had a little cry and a hug, and then James Alexander returned. After another little hold I passed him back to his mother and said Im off, see you in a little while. After phoning Julias mother I jumped into a taxi and went straight to my Mum and Dads. Mum was overjoyed, Dad was at work as usual, I stayed and had a cup of coffee and another cry with my mum before going home to get some sleep not a chance I tossed and turned it was sheer disbelief, I was ecstatic. I had to get up and have a bath and shave, the pub was just

opening and I knew if I went out and had a few beers I would sleep in the afternoon. I drove back to Carlton Lodge gave Julia some flowers held my son again, kissed my wife and went straight to the pub. What a lunchtime session that was everyone in the pub bought me a drink and by closing time I was well watered and ready for a sleep. After phoning Steve and the rest of the lads I managed to get my head down for a few hours, before I knew it, it was time to visit my wife and son. This was the start of the weekend of my life after seeing James and Julia I met all the lads, we were out to paint the town red, we had a brilliant night and I staggered home drunk as a skunk in the early hours. It was my birthday ! The next day I would have fully expected to wake with one major hangover but I bounced out of bed

293 eager to see my son and wife so I drove straight up there at about ten oclock. There was no visiting hours at that time but I didnt care I just walked straight in. The midwife who had delivered James came in to see us; she said to me, Do you want a job? You were fantastic, the best Dad I have ever come across. I was very pleased with her compliment and I think she actually meant it. So as pleased as punch I set off for the pub once more to see all the lads that I had missed the night before, this time I went to the Dragon where the Bilton lads hung out. Every Saturday we played dominoes in the Dragon, this one was no different apart from being a party atmosphere in the air everyone seemed to be on a high, I know I was. Stuart the landlord at the time gave us an extra half hour and

bought us all a pint so we were well happy, Swainy suggested we went to the Rugby Club that was the only place apart from the Wanderers where you could get a beer on a Saturday afternoon after three, so off we went, I visited Carlton again that night and then went on to celebrate my birthday with the lads, what a weekend we were all in high spirits, it must have rubbed off on them and extremely well behaved. By the time Sunday night came I was exhausted, I had been pissed all weekend and now I had work tomorrow, what a bastard. Everyone at work was fantastic, Mike bought a big bunch of flowers for Julia, and the rest of the staff bought us some baby stuff now that they knew we had a boy. That week went quick I was rushing about, making sure that the house was nice

295 for my wife and baby boy to come home at the weekend. I picked them up on the Saturday morning and brought my son home for the first time, we had a lovely weekend but every time he went quiet I poked him to make sure he was still alive Julia went mad because every time she got him to sleep I woke him up! Life from then on was quite different I stayed in a lot more and enjoyed being a Dad. James changed by the week he got bigger and bigger, he really liked his food and he was such a happy little soul, he smiled all the time. Julia and I got him a bouncy thing that you fix above the door and the baby exercises his legs by pushing against the floor, I would imagine theyre off the market now because thinking back if anything happened like the elastic

snapping the baby would take a right tumble, we had such a laugh with it though and James loved it, as soon as he saw me putting it up his little legs used to go ten to the dozen, kicking wildly and he would smile from ear to ear. I took it up to my Mums and she howled she thought it was brilliant the first time she saw him she cried with laughter for ages. James changed our lives the minute he was born. I had no idea that you could love like this he was my inspiration. Life at work was good and we were I suppose the perfect young family, good job, wife at home with our new born son and a nice company Porsche on the drive what more could I ask for I was the happiest I had ever been in all my life. After nine months Julia suggested that we start trying for another baby, simply because she didnt want them

297 too far apart and it had taken her a while to get pregnant the first time. I was totally happy and had no objections at all, if another child could give me as much pleasure as James did well then I was all for it. We started trying in the July, another reason as well was that Julia didnt want to go through another summer being pregnant), It worked, but a lot quicker than we thought, Julia caught on straight away, she was pregnant again and our new baby was due at the end of March 1986. During that year Julia got bigger, James just got bigger and was soon crawling around, what a laugh I had with him he was so smiley and happy I had no idea kids could be like this, I thought kids just cried and crapped but James he was great. March 86 came and went no baby, so we prepared the bag, this

time Julia was much more confident about the whole thing, but she still had her funny turns. One Sunday afternoon she asked me to get her some Angel Delight so off I went to the corner shop when I came back she made the Angel Delight, put some in a dish for James and then tipped a tin of baked beans in with the rest of it and ate it! I couldnt believe what I was seeing, one, I had never ever seen Julia eat Angel Delight before and two, mixed with cold baked beans! I ask you? Sunday 13 April 1996 was a nice day and we were at Paul and Sandras house in Knaresborough, Paul and I had been to the pub at lunchtime and we were getting stuck into a bottle of wine it was about four oclock, Julia was uncomfortable and wanted to go home so we put James in the car and went home, when we

299 arrived Julia said that she felt like she was starting with the baby. I immediately phoned Julias mother, this time it was a different story because now we had James to worry about as well, so we needed my mother-in-law to baby-sit James while we went off to have another one. Here we go again! Julia went up for her bath and to put her face on and I was feeding James when Julias mother arrived at the door. Julia wasnt so long this time her contractions started getting closer much quicker. She told me to phone for the ambulance, that made me panic straight away, I had heard her saying to Sandra that the second baby often comes quicker earlier that day so I had visions of her plopping a baby out in the middle of the lounge. The ambulance came and I followed behind in the car,

we were booked in at Carlton Lodge again. The second time was pretty much the same as the first but much quicker, before I knew it the midwife and I were in there again, sleeves rolled up and hard at work. Julia started pushing and within minutes it was coming, I looked at the midwife there was a problem I could tell by her face. The cord had wrapped around the babys neck, the midwife ran around the room and pressed the panic button for the doctor to come, she carried on with the birth, I stood back I knew this was not good when the baby arrived it was blue and looked terrible the nurse cut the cord and carried the baby across the room and laid it upside down on a slanting table, it was a girl but she never said anything I was really panicking she didnt look good at all, Julia also knew there

301 was something wrong. I asked if the baby was Ok and got no reply she was busy stitching Julia, I shouted, Is the bloody baby going to be alright? The Midwife looked startled and replied, Yes, Yes, shes fine! I wasnt convinced, I was looking at the baby, then back to Julia, I didnt know what to do, but at that moment the doctor arrived and went straight over to the baby. He picked her up and slapped her I bit and then started poking things up her nose. The midwife took the baby away and I was fraught with fear, I asked the doctor if the baby was OK and he replied that she was perfectly healthy, this was nothing like when James was born it was so beautiful, this was a living nightmare, things were flashing through my mind. Was she starved of oxygen? Is she brain damaged? Fuck! I

didnt like this, I turned round and grabbed the doctor by his coat and pushed him hard against the wall, my nose right up against his, I seethed, If theres anything wrong with that baby I am coming back to kill you. I put the doctor down, he was quivering but he assured me the baby was fine and within seconds he was back with the baby and he put her in Julias arms. There, look, shes fine we were just checking her and removing the mucous in her nostrils, What are you going to call her? I wasnt in the mood for choosing names and I needed a drink, I made sure Julia and the baby were fine and happy and then got the fuck out of there, I wasnt convinced, I managed to walk into the pub without showing that I was worried, it was still only nine in the evening, less than two hours,

303 Jesus Christ! I smiled the best I could and drank with my friends, celebrating the birth of my daughter, I stayed in the pub I wasnt ready to go back and see Julias mother. Not yet anyway. At closing time I had had enough Dutch courage to face the mother-in-law and went home. James was tucked away in bed and I told her what had happened she said that if the doctor had said the baby was fine, then the baby will be fine. Still not convinced I thanked her and let her get home. I really didnt want her twittering on, she drove me mad at the best of times. The next morning I got up and got James ready, I had to change his nappy for the first time, God it was awful, I was heaving and retching, I laid him on the bathroom floor and changed him there so I could puke down the toilet.

Once he was fed I got his bag together and went straight to Mums house. I told her what had happened over a coffee and she seemed to think everything would be alright. I left James with my Mum and went straight up to Carlton. They both looked a lot better Julia asked about the name, I always said to myself if we had a girl I would like to call her Georgina, after Georgina from infant school. She was beautiful and a nice person, I always think of people I know when I hear a name and if the person is a prick or not nice then I think it reflects on their name, Georgina I said its a nice classic name Julia agreed and then hit me with a blow to the head she insisted her middle name would be Patricia after her mother, Christ almighty! And I couldnt really argue because I had chosen

305 Jamess name and Georginas first name so I just grunted in some sort of agreement. I was still very worried about Georgina she was lovely she had red hair and really chubby cheeks, her complexion looked much better today, I suppose I felt a little bit better. That week was hard, I couldnt go anywhere without James, I had to feed him, bath him, change him, it was a very long week and I was very relieved when Sunday came round, although my Mum did baby-sit on the Friday night which gave me an escape to the pub for a couple of hours. Well we now had a lovely little boy and a baby girl that could cry for England. Julia reckoned that because her birth was a little traumatic she cried more than most babies, me, I had no idea; I just knew she was nothing like James. I was still worried about her and

it wasnt until she started speaking that I began to really believe she was fully healthy. Georgina spoke when she was very young and also never crawled she just stood up one day and set off walking, it turned out even in those very early times that she was as bright as a button.

Whilst all this was going on Andy Brown and I still saw a lot of each other, he was now working for Madeleys DIY stores, owned by the Madeley brothers one of whom was Paul who played for Leeds United in their heyday. We had discussed on many occasions going into business together and now the time was right, Andy could continue working for Madeleys and I could do the work that was sub-contracted out and invoice Madeleys the

307 perfect scenario, it would mean minimal wages out of the business while we were establishing ourselves. This sounded great but we had no money to put into the business, no cushion, nothing, who would pay my wages at the end of the month? One night we went for a pint with a screen printer called Ken Golightly who did quite a lot of work for Andy and they had become very good buddies, that night we were discussing our plans and Ken asked what was stopping us doing it, we told him and he asked what sort of money was needed, Andy and I looked at each other and then I said that we would need about 3,000 to get going just to pay my wages until we could get some invoices out and some cheques in. Ken got up and disappeared for a pee, well thats what we thought,

When Ken came back he handed Andy a cheque for 3,000 and said, Right you two youve got no excuses now, I know just the man to buy an off the shelf company for you, I will phone him tomorrow. Andy and I just looked at each other and laughed Ken was right we had no excuse so we shook hands and decided to put it into motion straight away. I had a client that had property and also would move their business to me immediately, plus other clients that I would be able to sway. Along with all this going on Julia and I had decided to move house and already had ours on the market, well it sold straight away so we had to find another house pretty damn quick. When I look back and think that I had a baby, set up a company and moved house in the space of eight weeks, I still

309 cannot believe it. I must have been off my head. Andy and I ducked and dived, to make time to see bank managers, accountants, properties and all the rest of the things you need to do to set up a business. Within a very short period we were ready to go and the day came to hand in my notice at MCA.

The Ad Art Company

I arrived at the office early that Monday morning and made sure all the information I was going to need was safely tucked away in my brief case, Mike as yet had not arrived, Martin one of the other executives came into my office as he did most mornings for a coffee and a cigarette, I told him what I was doing and he looked really shocked because I had never mentioned anything to anyone, as you can imagine in the advertising world it is very cut throat and everyone keeps their cards very close to their chests. Martin told me that Mike was off for a couple of days, which took me by surprise, I hadnt reckoned on this spanner in the works, but Martin sorted that out for me, he went straight to his office and phoned Mike at home,

311 what a grass. Mike had said to tell John Lewis (second in command) to keep me at the office and not let me go anywhere, take my car keys and not let me use the phones. If Mike was anything he was paranoid about retaining the business he had and would protect it at all costs. The daft thing is that if I was poaching business it would have been done long before I announced I was leaving. Within a very short time Mike arrived and called me into his office. Suddenly, he wasnt the Mike that I knew, a very different side of him came to the surface that Monday morning but I had expected it would. I was more or less marched off the premises and that was that, there was no chance of me serving out my notice so it was a good job I had arranged to pick up a car from one of my clients Calderford

Motor Company based in Wakefield. The sales manager there had organised a Ford Sierra for me on the cheap, what a come down, went to work in a Porsche and came home in a three year old Sierra, but it had to be done. The next day I opened the new office doors for the first time, I had a hell of a lot to do. The telephone company were coming to fit the phone lines, I had desks arriving from the office suppliers, Andy was going to pop in at some stage to see how I was coping and I had a meeting with a client who I had already secured. It turned out to be quite a hectic few weeks running round seeing clients, getting the work and then both Andy and I doing the work on a night after he had finished at Madeleys. As we stumbled along, I picked up some business from various sources and

313 we were keeping our heads above water and then one day I answered the phone, it was Kevin Fisher, Marketing Director for Calderford, he asked me to go and see him, well I wasnt going to waste any time so I jumped in the car and sped off for Wakefield. After a brief meeting I walked out of his office with the Calderford account worth in those days in the region of 150,000 a year. This was the platform we needed to really start going forward. We needed staff, Andy agreed so I phoned a young lad that I had trained at Tattersalls, Frazer, very amiable, ambitious and from a good family, within a couple of weeks he was part of the team and so was Cheryl, she had been my secretary at MCA. I heard through the grapevine that Mike was most unhappy, I had his precious Calderford account and

now his best secretary. As the months went by we all worked as hard as we could, we had a small but very good team. One night after work I dropped Frazer off on the way home and went to the Dragon for a pint, Id earned it that day, I was stood at the bar with a couple of the lads when a guy I hadnt seen before came in, he knew Brian who was in our company so he joined us. It turned out that he was into printing, well should I say he was a print farmer, he would get print work then farm it out to the cheapest quote and then add on his percentage before delivering it to the client. Quite clever, no over heads, all profit apart from his time. He asked me if he could quote for some of our print and I agreed that I would run some jobs we had in the studio by him. One thing worried me, he had no

315 control over the printers he used but I thought I would give it a try and well see. This bloke was very intense, I wont mention his name because hes not worth mentioning, I started to feed him snippets of work and then one day he phoned me and asked me to meet one of his clients who needed professional artwork and design on the understanding that he did all the print. Fine by me, so off I went to the meeting. The client he introduced me to was Peter Bennison the Marketing Manager of Calor Gas North East, what a result, I got on with Peter very well right from the off, he gave us more and more work as the months went by and then one day he dropped a bomb shell. Peters regional director Raymond Weir had

instructed him to appoint an advertising agency.

When Peter told me this my heart sank, the business was going so well and now we stood to lose it all. Peter was instructed to select three agencies to present ideas to him well I shit myself, we werent even an agency, we were a little design studio stuck above a power wash company in the back streets of Leeds on an industrial estate. What chance did we stand? The one saving grace was that Peter was going to include us in his selection of three and give us a chance because he was pleased with what we had done for him. I phoned Andy and gave him the bad news; we were to expect a written brief within the week. That night I met Andy for a pint and we chewed the fat for a while, there was nothing we could do until we saw the brief, so what was the point of worrying

317 ourselves sick. The brief arrived bang on time and we had two weeks to prepare a full advertising proposal including all the creative ideas and all the relevant local newspapers from Lincolnshire to Berwick and across the country to Carlisle. We looked at each other and swallowed hard, the campaign was to promote those blue bottles of Calor Gas to the end user and increase its perceived value. The budget was a massive 350,000. Fuck! What were we going to do? It took me a good day to get my head round the brief and devise a step-by-step plan, God, I needed to talk to hundreds of newspapers for advertising rates and possibility of discounts, we needed a concept, we needed designs, visuals of everything. I sat for ages, Andy was at work, there was no one to

bounce ideas off and then I remembered a girl who had come to MCA one day and presented a new concept in promotions to me, it was the scratch card, that was it! We could put a promotion together whereby when someone bought a Calor bottle they received a scratch card free and won a prize. Andy came to the office that night and I told him about the idea. What sort of prizes can we offer them? he asked, I dont know well have to think of something, what about fifty pence or a pound off their next purchase? Peter had said that he had more money in the pot for marketing support, perhaps the prizes could be funded by that?. What about colour Televisions? What about a bloody car, I said, that would do it and well get it free from Calderford, if we put on all the adverts

319 and shop window posters supplied by Calderford they will get loads of free publicity worth

thousands. Andy went quiet for a while and then his frown changed to a smile. Right, he said, first prize, for four aces gets a car, second prizes of colour televisions, loads of them, third prize, personal stereos, fourth prize 1 off a bottle of Calor and fifth prize 50p off a bottle. Thats it, all we need now is a bloody car, then he rolled back laughing punching the air, no other agency was going to think of that idea and if they did they wouldnt be offering Calor a free car. The next day I was at Calderford seeing Paul the sales manager about the ads for the following week, after our meeting had finished I went upstairs to run through what we had decided with Kevin, whilst I was in

there I explained about the Calor idea and asked for a car, Kevin wasnt impressed and to be fair he had a point what good would and advert in Lincolnshire do Kevin, when his dealership was in Wakefield?. Shit! what now? As soon as I got back to the studio I phoned Andy and told him, he sounded quite deflated. Then it struck me, Well buy the bloody car and tell Calor we got it free from Ford Direct for promoting the new Escort, Im sure out of three hundred and fifty grand we can manage to buy a five grand car Andy said, Youre right, do you think they will swallow it? Course they will, I replied, would you turn down a free car? That was it we worked every night, Andy doing the visuals whilst I wrote the proposal, I also found out that the winning cards were supplied

321 separately, so we could plant the big prizes in areas where sales were down. Sales would go up as soon as people saw a winner of a television in their local paper. We would do this by making sure each Calor Shop manager had a camera at the ready. The two weeks flew by and the date and time was set, now the only hurdle left was who was going to do the presentation because it wasnt just to Peter, it was also to his regional director whom we had never met. Andy didnt want to know it was something he just could not do on the other hand I had done loads but I hated it, well I had no choice and if we were going to stand half a chance of getting the business someone was going to have to take the plunge. I ran off to write the presentation notes.

On the morning of the presentation, I couldnt even pick up a cup of coffee, I knew how much this meant to us, this could be it the one big chance you get in life and I was the one that could blow it for both of us. When I arrived at the studio Andy was mounting all the designs onto boards for me to hold up as I was speaking and then pass round for Raymond and Peter to look at. They arrived bang on time, I was absolutely shitting bricks, after introducing Andy and myself, and organising coffee, we went through to my office. I gave a brief history of the company and more so our backgrounds because at the time the company had no history and then I went head-first into the presentation. When I hit them with the whammy a FREE Ford Escort I could see the surprise on both

323 their faces, it had worked they were impressed, I had to run the gauntlet after the presentation for question time but that was short lived, downstairs one of their pressure washers had burnt out and smoke started to pour through the floor boards and we were all choking. Raymond stood up and said in his broad Scottish accent right boys lets take lunch I immediately thought well thats blown it. Raymond was perfection itself, his suit was immaculate, his hair immaculate, his shoes immaculate, I couldnt see him dealing with a oneman and his dog outfit like us when he could deal with some swanky city centre advertising agency. The lunch went well and we parted with a good firm handshake, we were going to have to suffer for an entire week before a decision would be made.

When we got back Andy just burst into fits of laughter, just thinking about the smelly smoke coming through the floor, I on the other hand could have cried, I knew how important this was. I must have been hell to live with during that week, mind you I was never in I spent every night at the pub drinking so I could get to sleep when I got home. I think Julia realised what was at stake, so she didnt give me too much earache. On the morning we were told we would hear, Andy was on the phone every half hour from 9.30 onwards, I couldnt bear it, I sat there looking at the phone and every time it rang my stomach churned and my heart leapt into my mouth. It was just after lunch when I heard Cheryl say, Yes Peter Ill just put you through Oh my God this was it! the phone rang, I picked it up

325 and tried to sound as though everything was normal, Peter said, Well this is it, Im sorry to say I will be working with you for at least the next three years, then he burst out laughing, I wasnt quite sure what I had heard Does this mean weve got the business then? Peter was hysterical, he also knew what it had meant to us and then he repeated that we were to sign a three year contract with a minimum spend of at least three hundred and fifty grand a year. You Bastard! I said I couldnt stop myself, Peter laughed even more, Ill see you at the pub in ten minutes, he said and put the phone down. I phoned Andy and told him he was cockerhoop and on his way down to the pub as well. It goes without saying that we had a bit of a party that afternoon, we payed of course and by the time I got

to the Dragon back in Harrogate, I was well pissed. From that day on our relationship with Calor grew and grew, the campaign worked and worked very well, Calor North East won Sales Region of the Year and the coveted Golden Sword, presented to Raymond and the National Sales Conference in London. At the reception Raymond patted me on the back and said in his guttural Scottish tone Well done son, couldnt have done it without you that was good enough for me. That night before we went out for dinner, I phoned Andy and passed on the good news to him. I could tell by his voice he was more than pleased. Raymond took every opportunity to come out with us for lunch, we became quite a team and very good friends. One day at lunch he suggested that it might be in our

327 interests to change the name of the company to something a bit more up-market than The Ad Art Company. Reading between the lines I knew what he meant so Cogdon Brown Associates was born and we gained more prestigious clients including Yorkshire Water and General Accident Insurance. Somehow when I was pitching to potential clients on the phone Cogdon Brown had more panache and after all they were speaking to Mr Cogdon, lucky for them. Year on year we doubled our turnover and at the end of the third year we had sales of over one and a half million with net profits of one hundred and thirty thousand pounds cash in the bank. The dream had come true. Andy and I were on top of the world we had swapped our crappy cars for two brand new

matching BMW 320is in metallic silver and taken on eight more staff, the company was growing at a rapid rate, everything I touched turned to gold and we were flying.

Things at home were pretty good at this time, the kids were growing up and Julia had her hands full taking James to West End, a private school based in Harrogate and looking after Georgina, she spent most of her time at Paul and Sandras house because they had Jonathan, named after me and Lauren, the kids were the same age so it was quite natural to let them get on. I on the other hand I had been doing my best to be a good dad and spent my entire weekends with the children playing in the garden, taking them both swimming whilst Julia had

329 a lie in on a Sunday morning, to the pub at lunchtime, they learnt how to behave and eat out at a very early age, it was very good. One day I went into the Dragon for a pint and there was a new barmaid behind bar, she was tiny, blonde, slim, and very, very tasty her name was Cath, I chatted with her for quite a while, we were getting on very well, too well and as always after a few beers I asked her out, I had already told her I was married and to my disbelief she was too, she just looked too young, I think she was twenty two when I met her, but she honestly looked twenty at the most. Well Cath and I started meeting after she had finished work, on Tuesday nights and the odd Friday her husband went to Wetherby to see his mates, he always stayed over because he couldnt drive and the last

bus was at about ten thirty which was far too early too be heading home. This worked out great, Cath was a real kitten, one night when I arrived at her house she told me that she had a surprise for me, we had a glass of wine or two and then she disappeared upstairs, a few minutes went by before she called me, when I got to the bedroom door I could see her laid on the bed in a white teddy, she looked gorgeous, just like a kitten, so white and petite, needless to say our usual Tuesday night was spiced up and I stayed rather later than usual. Cath was nice, she was totally obsessed with me and we spent as much time as we dare together, weekends were out of bounds, because I spent them with the kids unless of course I popped into the pub for a quick pint and then I would chat with her and flirt in

331 general as always. Cath and I spent a whole year seeing each other, everyone in the pub knew she was going with me and there were occasions which could have turned out very embarrassing. One night Paul and Sandra had arranged with Julia that we meet them in the Dragon before heading off to the restaurant, I was as you can imagine a little nervous about going in there with my wife and who should be sat in the pub but Cath and her husband having a quiet drink, I dont think I even looked at them once after I had realised they were there. It goes without saying it was a quick drink and then off. At the time I was very happy with my little family, and this thing with Cath was tearing me apart inside, Julia was about as loving as a wet fish, she had got what she wanted, two beautiful

children, a nice house, by this time we had moved to Knox Lane, a very nice part of Harrogate, it was a house that a friend of mine from school used to live in and on the odd occasion I called for him I used to think it was a mansion compared to the little terraced house that I lived in. The drive and front garden was over seventy feet long and the back garden was over a hundred and fifty feet, it was massive, situated in the Hamlet of Knox just on the edge of Harrogate, she also had an open cheque book to do with as she pleased plus a brand new XR3 I sports car, so why should she have to make an effort in the bedroom. Rejection is a very hurtful thing, and I suppose this was part of the reason I had never been faithful to her besides the fact that I would have probably done it anyway it was, me just

333 being me, a male tart, my mates used to say if you were a woman you would be called a slag. I know they were right and we laughed about it often especially on a Saturday afternoons in the changing rooms, someone would ask me who I was with when they saw me the night before out late with yet another woman. I ended up telling Julia that I was having an affair, dont ask me why, it was marital suicide. For a good few months I kept my head down and played the role of the perfect husband. We settled in at Knox Lane on the understanding that the affair was never thrown back in my face every time we had a disagreement. To be fair to Julia she never did. Just across the road from the house they had built a new pub, which was ideal, Julia knew where I was and I was quite happy

to call in there on the way home from the office for a pint, life was starting to get back to normal. The business was booming and the children were very happy with their jungle as it was referred to it, the back garden had an orchard and I had built a tree house for the kids to play in. We were all very happy. One night I called in the pub after phoning Julia from the car to let her know that I was going to be late, I hadn't been in the pub for long before a face from the past came in, It was Kev Barnes, 'Barnsey' one of my mates that I spoke about at the beginning, he was one of the five when we started out in life. Barnsey walked up to the bar looking very uncomfortable. The reason for this was the last time I had seen him was at Granby Youth Club some fifteen years previous and I had decided

335 that I was going to get my revenge for all the times he had bullied me over the years, so I went for him and his mate Jim. In the early years Barnsey was a big lad, he towered above the likes of Steve, Mickey, Col and me so every now and again when he felt like it he would pick on one of us. By the time I was fifteen he was only an inch taller than me and certainly hadn't got what it takes, it had simply grown out of him whereas with me I was at my most dangerous around that time. That night I gave the pair of them a good hiding, well not so much Jim as he was on his toes as soon as he realised he was in the shit but it was obvious that Barnsey hadn't forgotten. As he approached the bar he smiled and said hello, I recipicated and we started to chat. It turned out that after leaving school Barnsey had got

this job in some plastics factory and contracted cancer, he reckoned it was through eating his sarnies or something, anyway he had cancer of the stomach which they took away and he'd had a colostomy bag attached. I genuinely felt for the bloke but there was no love lost on my part. Barnsey had married a lass from school called Janice Hall, she was a quiet lass with a right spotty mush, I was surprised that they had got together but apparently they were both into Jehovah and Barnsey was big into religion since contracting the big 'C'. It seems that loads of people turn to religion when the shit hits the fan, my sister did when Tom her husband threw a wobbler and disappeared back to his home town of Sheffield after some midlife crisis. He couldn't get a job after leaving British

337 Aerospace in Saudi Arabia he was earning fortunes but he wouldn't accept a normal wage because he thought he had a right to earn 50k a year tax free, what he didn't take into consideration was he was worth about 8k on civvy street so that was that. Jennifer was left with three boys so she turned to the Born Again Christians. Barnsey and I had a couple of beers together that night and before I left he asked me if he could meet again some night for a beer, I was OK with that he seemed very repentant and meek compared to his earlier days. Over the next few months Barnsey and I met on the odd occasion, we never planned it but it seemed to have clocked the times I would probably be about and made a point of turning up, he didnt seem to have too many mates around. Barnsey told me

about his kids and we talked about the past, How the others were doing, Mickey, Col and Steve the lads from the original five, he was out of touch so I told him Col had moved to Australia, that Mike Styles was living somewhere down in Knaresborough and that Steve had travelled the world in his younger days working in Tasmania and Australia amongst many other countries especially Europe. Steve had done his apprenticeship in painting and decorating and had just set up his own business, in fact I had just seen him that week and he had given me a quote for painting my house. I was obviously doing well and he was enjoying rubbing shoulders with the in-crowd again having been missing for some years. He didnt speak too much about his condition, however he gave me the

339 impression that everything was sorted, I think he had a colostomy bag fitted but I never asked, I think Id heard that from Julia my wife because her Mother is a Jehovahs witness too, its a very close knit community especially in Harrogate everyone knows everyone. It was after a few months he started missing regular visits to the Knox and I began to wonder if he was OK and then he stopped coming in the pub at all, he had disappeared off the face of the earth. Well that year came and went, then one night I arrived home and Julia asked me if I had heard anything of Kev Barnes lately, I just said that I hadnt seen him for a while, Julia told me then that he was very ill again and that he had been re-admitted to Hospital and was in a very serious condition. I never said much, I mean what can you

say? There was nothing I could do, I did think about going to see him but I think there had been far too much water under the bridge for Hospital visits plus I have never been a great lover of them, I think its the way they smell that puts people off and when you get there and sit by the bed theres nothing to say after the first five minutes. Time went by and I kept getting the odd snippet of information on how Barnsey was doing but none of it sounded too clever. One day I arrived home and Julia told me that the cancer had spread through him and Barnsey had died, It was all very sad, for a lad barely thirty years of age to die and leave a wife and kids without a husband or a father. He believed that he was going to a better place, so at least he will have been happy. Kev Barnes was one of the

341 first of my once close friends to die.

Living the Good Life

Both Andy and I had really got into enjoying life, Andy had come out of his shell in a big way since we sent him on his Dale Carnegie course, he suddenly cared about his appearance, was always clean shaven and his wardrobe had changed completely, out with the baggy old jeans and in with the trendy chinos and smart shirts. It wasnt before long that Andy was wearing a suit everyday for work and taking a great interest in client liaison, which was welcomed by me because it gave me a bit of free time to go to client corporate days and get some golf in. We were champagne Charlies, I got to the stage where I was out every night at functions or going to executive invitations to Elland

343 Road to watch Leeds play and if it wasnt that it was at the clubhouse after a round of golf with either clients or mates. I swapped the BMW for a Porsche turbo and Andy got himself a Jaguar Sovereign, we were right boys around town. One night I was in a club in Harrogate talking to a very pretty but heavy young lady called Paula, she was very flirtatious and of course me being me fell in with both feet again. It turned out through our conversation that Paula was working for a company in Harrogate in the accounts department which was quite handy because Cheryl our receptionist and accounts girl had handed in her notice because she was pregnant. The conversation carried on and Paula was more than attentive once I had spilled the beans about the situation and that there might be a

job in the offing, Needless to say we carried on drinking, dancing and having fun, both flirting like a pair of dogs on heat. Paulas chest was ample to say the least this gave me ideas of my own. After leaving the night club Paula and I went for a pizza and then jumped into a cab. I had no intentions of just dropping Paula off at her house, I wanted more, so I was pleased when we got there that Paula invited me in for a coffee. We did the usual thing we sat and talked politely whilst we drank our coffee and then we started to kiss, well that was it, this was the best job interview I have ever conducted, we made love on the lounge floor and then I needed to get home before Julia realised how late I was coming in the house. As I scrambled out of the door I arranged to meet Paula the next day to

345 discuss the possibilities of her working for us, I didnt turn up, I had a hangover and couldnt remember what I had said all I could remember was rolling around on the carpet trying to keep quiet because her mother was upstairs asleep. The pub seemed a much better idea so off I went for a hair of the dog , the car phone went just as I was turning into the pub, it was Paula, I must have given her a business card Oh shit I thought what am I going to say, I told Paula I couldnt remember her address but that wasnt going to stop her, she told me she would wait on the corner of Harewood Road for me to pick her up. This girl was clever and determined. I picked her up and took her to the pub, I explained to her that I would obviously mention it to Andy and that I would be touch. I

wasnt bothered too much about been seen as this was now a legitimate job interview. On the following Monday morning I told Andy about Paula and he agreed that we ought to see her, Andy thought it was hilarious that I had been out for a shag and found a good candidate for a new employee, anyway Andy liked Paula too, she had a very good personality and became a valued member of staff. All the media reps, printers and even clients that came to the agency would always arrive early so they could sit in reception and look at Paulas tits. Paula knew how to wind whoever she wanted around her little finger. It wasnt long before Andy was sleeping with her as well, Paula had a mate called Bev, who I met one night with Paula when I was out, so Andy and I used to go out with the pair

347 of them drinking and partying. One day at work Paula told me that she was going to a dinner dance at the Majestic Hotel in the centre of Harrogate that weekend with some female friends of hers, my ears pricked up, I thought to myself this could be a good opportunity and then dismissed it, however when the weekend arrived I remembered about it. I had been in town all day with a mate of mine called Liam who used to drink in the Knox, we were well pissed the pair of us. As we staggered up the hill towards the hotel I asked Liam if he fancied going to this bash, Liam was always up for anything especially when women and alcohol were involved. Ill never forget this, I was dressed in a polo shirt, jeans and a wax jacket, we walked straight into this ballroom and sat at a vacant table, Paula looked at

me in horror and came rushing over. She said Jon what the hell are you doing here? I just laughed and beckoned the waiter over, I ordered two bottles of Moet and four glasses. Paula was never one to miss an opportunity, she called her friend over and we started to chat after the introductions. Before long another four of her friends came over and sat with us. What a laugh! There were all these blokes in dinner suits prancing about and we were sat there in our scruffs surrounded by all the available skirt in the place, it was a scream, before long we had taken over the dance floor with all six girls, if looks could kill. We ended up going back to Paulas friends flat and partying until the early hours. Wherever we went we seemed to be surrounded by women. Andy was really starting to enjoy what he

349 had been missing. One night Andy had arranged to meet this girl and asked if he could meet me about 2 a.m. then stay at my house after he had dropped this girl off, I had no problem with that I just told Julia that Andy was staying and that we were going to some business function. This turned out to be a right laugh, Andy turned up at about 2.15 a.m. covered in mud, I couldnt believe my eyes, his Armani suit splattered and he smelled terrible. Andy had taken this girl to the other side of York, parked the car on a slope down towards the river in a secluded wooded area and had a passionate evening in the jaguar with a bottle of Champagne and salmon sarnies to start with. When he tried to drive the car back up the slope he got stuck in the soggy field and the Jaguar was well embedded so

he and the girl had to walk about four miles covered in mud to the nearest phone box and call a taxi. After dropping her off at her marital home which was over the road from his own house he came all the way back to Harrogate, it cost him a fortune, well I was in tears, laughing at him like a hyena and all Andy could say was what about my car. I set the alarm for 6 a.m. so we could get over to York and get a recovery vehicle out early before the rush hour traffic started. I left Andy there and went straight to the office, I laughed all the way to Leeds. This was just the start of his escapades. We were invited by the guys at Calor Gas to their annual dinner dance in the Lake District at a smashing hotel in Windemere, I had to go as a matter of respect for the client but Andy decided

351 that he would accept because he never got to go to many freebie dos. Andy and I were dressed in our best suits for the occasion, we had been booked in the hotel for the night by the client which was great, it meant we didnt have to drive back and we could have a good drink with Raymond and Peter. The dinner and speeches went well, Cogdon Brown got more than a mention as usual, we were really valued by this client and especially Raymond and Peter because they were the stars of the Region because of our efforts, I even wrote Peters speech for him -thats how close we were. After the speeches we sat back and had a few family size brandies, a cigar and a good laugh. The dancing started and Id had enough brandy to go strutting my stuff on the floor, there was this women dancing

close to me, quite striking looking but you could tell that she was a common tart really, she was about ten years my senior and her husband was about ten years her senior, it turned out that he had met her in a pub were she worked and married her on the rebound from his divorce. She had all the lumps and bumps in the right places lets put it that way. When he went to sit down she started dancing closer to me and smiling, so I smiled back as you do, before I knew it I was holding both her hands and dirty dancing in the middle of the dance floor, she was writhing up my legs and I was enjoying it. Within seconds of her wrapping her groin round my leg her husband leapt off his chair, grabbed her arm and dragged her away, he then turned on me and grabbed me by the lapels, I just shoved him away

353 whilst he was screaming abuse at me. Raymond and Peter calmed the situation down and we carried on drinking, I thought a break from dancing might be the best thing for a while. Andy couldnt believe it he was shaking his head and saying no wonder you enjoy coming to these dos. Fortunately Raymond and Peter saw the funny side of it too. As the night went on Andy was starting to look worse for wear and so too was Peters fianc Joanna, they were getting very close but it was Joanna that was doing all the running. Peter met her at Calor, she was his secretary, he spoke to her really badly in front of people and treated her like a door mat. Joanna was dark haired, very olive skinned, with brown eyes, very Latin looking and very attractive, Peter didnt even notice her attentions were aimed

at Andy, he was often too busy with making a good impression in front of Raymond. I wouldnt mind but she was far too good for him and only came out of her shell after a couple of drinks. We were all in deep conversation when Andy announced he had to retire, we all laughed and called him a lightweight as he left the table to go to his room. After a while I noticed that Joanna was absent and I had the most awful feeling, I immediately made my excuses and said I was going to the loo. I shot round to Andys room, the door was part open and I could hear Andy screaming, looking back it was so funny as I walked into the room I saw Andy stood by his bed with a sheet pulled up to his chest and Joanna in the middle of the room taking off her clothes. Oh my god I thought what if Peter comes now, I sensed a

355 presence behind me and I turned Peter was stood there, I had no idea what to say, Andy leapt onto the bed still clutching this sheet and Joanna continued her striptease. Peter just laughed and said had a few too many G&Ts darling and helped Joanna on with her blouse. Within seconds Joanna was back at the table and we carried on the night without any further ado. Raymond thought it was funny and so did Peter. What none of us new was that night was the start of a long and dangerous affair. If we lost the Calor Gas account it would be disaster for Cogdon Brown Associates. Much to my disagreement Andy continued to see Joanna right up until Peter and her were married. He would ask me all the time when are you and Peter away again on business, I knew exactly why

he was asking, because as soon as Peter was away Andy was round at his house literally wearing Peters slippers. What a nightmare ! all our staff new about it and when Peter came to our offices for meetings you could tell by the look on everyones face. Fortunately he was never to find out. The business was doing even better as time went by and I played more golf and we partied more and more. Home life was good, I was obviously busy through the week, however I continued to give the kids my undivided attention at the weekends and Julia and I went out most Saturday evenings, we seemed to be getting more and more popular as time went on. There was always someone round at the house or we were invited out for meals, the trouble was that

357 every time a bill appeared after a good evening of food and wine everyone sat back and looked at me, consequently I was paying for peoples company, I was also working hard to pay other peoples wages. We looked after the staff, they were all highly paid and to be honest some were not worthy of it, but we struggled on and I tended to turn a blind eye to the weak members of staff and also to the parasites that Julia and I were socialising with. It is amazing how many friends you seem to have when things are going well and you appear to be on top of the world. I had more invitations out than I have ever had in my life before. When Julia was in Carlton Lodge having James we met a couple who were expecting their first child, Phil and Jane Lin, Phil was Chinese, although educated in London and

became a doctor, they are a lovely couple and we got on great with them. Phil had applied for a job in British Columbia at the hospital in Terrace, Northern B.C. soon after it was confirmed that he had the job Phil and Jane were off to lands afar. They really were genuine people, it wasnt long before Julia talked me into going to Canada to see them and I have got to say I am so glad she did, what a truly amazing experience that was. I have never seen such beautiful landscape and wildlife. I spoke to Andy and asked him how he felt about me being away for four weeks, I could tell he wasnt too keen on the idea of having to cope for a month on his own but he was up for it and I assured him that I was only a phone call away. We arrived in Vancouver late at night and then flew up to terrace

359 the next morning, I looked down as we were coming in to land , the runway was just a strip of tarmac on a Plato in between two tree covered mountains, it seemed as though there was nothing anywhere near, no civilisation, nothing. In actual fact the airport was only a short ride from the centre of Terrace. Phil and Jane had bought themselves a nice house, not too far away from the local school, it was so different to what we were used to, very spacious and on all levels. We worked out that if you were to buy a similar house in the U.K. it would cost just about double the amount. Phil had all sorts lined up for us, fishing, baseball, softball, the annual fete where we got to see real Indians and best of all for the kids was the hot springs, this was natural hot water coming out of the ground surrounded by man

made slides, walk ways and changing facilities, the kids loved it. Phil took me on several fishing trips, to the Skeena river and also a lake close to Terrace which was more like an ocean, the most exciting and memorable day fishing with Phil was a day where we had gone to a small river outlet into the main flow of the Skeena. We were sat on what I can only describe as a tree that had been cut in half long ways with the rounded edges buried into the river bank, making a bridge which logging trucks drove over to and from the mountain side, it was massive, we were quite happily fishing away when I noticed movement to my left as I turned my head I saw to my surprise a bear on all fours at the beginning of the bridge, I turned back to Phil and said what the bloody hell do we do Phil said quite

361 calmly just whistle or something, let it know we are here I did I started to whistle, the bear stood up against a tree and started scratching the bark with its claws, I was absolutely shitting myself, it was massive probably about six and a half feet in height, he then went down back on all fours and scurried off down the river bank to a pebble beach. The bear could have only been 30ft away, which is far too close for my liking; mind you it gave me something to tell the kids about. The same day a bloke sat right next to me caught a 64lb salmon. It was great to watch, it took the bloke about an hour to actually land the fish. It was great, on another occasion James was with us and we saw another large salmon caught, he still remembers it to this day, the fish was a big as him. Having a business

that was doing well opened an array of doors for me individually and also the kids, we did everything we could with them and tried to ensure they were given every opportunity to experience everything they could. Julia and I could take the kids anywhere, they were so well behaved in restaurants and public places. I used to watch other kids running about and screaming, I thought it was disgraceful and embarrassing for the parents. We continued to go to as many places as possible even if it was just to Robin Hoods Bay for the weekend. It was fantastic just to watch them grow. Looking back I dont think for one minute I realised how lucky we were as a family, we lived in a lovely part of Harrogate where it was safe for the children to play and we had a good circle of friends, well I thought

363 we did at time. A property company bought the land opposite our house and started to build brand new four bed detached houses with double garages, well by now Julia had well and truly got the taste of success and when Andy and Moira bought a new four bed in York that was it we were on the move, every weekend we had to go out with the children and drive round building sites, it took Julia about a year to find exactly what she wanted. It was a four bedroom house on the West side of Harrogate on Killinghall Moor overlooking a housing estate to the East and open countryside to the North, West and South, the local golf club was right opposite our house to be front door and over the dry stone wall, It wasnt long before the house was complete and ready to move in. I did at the time wonder if this

was a clever move as the interest rates started to rocket, but what the hell we were on top of the world. I took a week off work and for the first time ever we hired a removal firm, we seemed to have collected so much rubbish in the four years we had been at Knox. I really didnt want to move but Julia had set her heart on this house and of course her new found friends from private school would be coming round to nosey at coffee mornings. The house was, I suppose nice and more than I had ever thought possible for a lad from a two-up, twodown terraced house. Dad thought I was mental, he couldnt understand why we needed such a big house. The first thing he said to me when he visited was, What the bloody hell do you need three bathrooms for?, it made me laugh. All Dad was

365 ever used to was a terraced house in Sunderland by the Docks and the house I was born in. This was a very different world for my Mother and Father. When I talked about business it all went over their heads, they had no real concept of commerce. I suppose they were just happy that I was doing well and the best that I could for the kids. I spent a fortune having one of the garages made into a play room but it was ideal, when James and Georgie had friends to stay they could play in there and not wreck the house, perfect! I always allowed them to have friends round and made them welcome, for me, it meant that I knew where my children were at all times, which is a lot more than can be said for a lot of parents these days. We were lucky I suppose, we had a large garden and plenty of room for them

to play safely. I loved these two children more than anything in the world. I have always said to them that I am the only person in the world that would die for them, I still tell them to this day and it is true. Julia was getting right into the swing of things, lunch out every other day, coffee mornings, afternoon tea, it was all starting to get up my nose, and all of a sudden my diary was being arranged for me. Some of the people I was introduced to were right pillocks. Julia talked me into going to the childrens sports day at school and I have never seen so many plebs in one place at the same time. I entered the Fathers race and could have hopped faster than some of these prats could run. What a day! Sipping cool soft drinks and making polite conversation was not my idea of fun, I would have

367 rather been at the pub with the lads having a good laugh. The only reason I put myself through the ordeal was for James and Georgina, they enjoyed having me there to watch them in their races. Although I could handle these type of people in business I found it very hard to put up with them socially. Taking money off them was a great pleasure and to be fair I dealt with normal people on a daily basis, it was only when we had to go to board meetings that I had to watch my Ps and Qs. I remember one particular day, I was attending a meeting at the Hull Cartridge Company, we were to discuss some visuals for a new campaign. The night before Julia and I had been out for an Indian meal with Paul and Sandra Widnall, Phil and Julie Dunn and Terry and Helen Hodges. When I arrived

at the meeting I was met by David Bontoft, he was the son of the founder, Mr Bontoft, they had offices based on a new industrial estate not far from the Hull City Ground and the road was named Bontoft Avenue, I couldnt believe it, anyway we went into the boardroom and waited, when old Mr Bontoft entered the room it was necessary to stand, this is how business was done, it was all pomp and ceremony. The meeting went very well and the campaign was very well received, everyone seemed to be delighted with their new advertisements. I donned my cap as I prepared to head off back to Leeds and as I was just about to walk out of the boardroom door Mr Bontoft said, Mr Cogdon can I have a quiet word with you?, I said, Yes of course, thinking there might be a problem

369 with an invoice. Everyone else left the room and I stood at the end of this very large solid oak table. As soon as the door closed behind the last person to leave he leant over the table and said, If you ever come to my offices again smelling like a Pakistanis jockstrap, You will lose my account, do you understand?, Quite clearly Sir, I replied and fled the room. David was downstairs, he told me that none of the staff were allowed to eat anything that may give off unsociable odours, especially garlic. I was really shocked, David smiled and said, Dont worry about it he will have forgotten by the time we see you next, his sister Sue was laughing and waving as I drove off. David and Sue were great people but their Father scared me to death, I had visions of him bull whipping the servants when

he got home. This wasnt the only time I came a cropper but I think it was the worst, that Indian meal could have cost us a fortune if we had lost their business. The campaign went ahead and we made plenty of money so the stripping down was worth it and at the end of the day Andy and I were enjoying ninety nine percent of working life. It was through people like this that we made the money we did. Andy and I knew we were making money but we didnt know exactly how much at any given time. Paula was doing a good job but there was no way she could have produced management accounts at the drop of a hat, so we decided to look for a management accountant, Paula told us that she knew this bloke called Mike Walken in Harrogate who was very good and not too expensive, I left it

371 with Paula to arrange a meeting with him. Mike turned up at our offices and he convinced Andy and I that he could prepare management accounts for us for 100 per month so we agreed to give him a chance, it was much better than what our Auditors would have charged us, they would have cost that just for them to come and see us. Mike started the following week and sat in our office to work. Mike was a character, he made both Andy and I laugh and we got on well, he wore the loudest ties I have ever seen and coloured specs, one day they would be blue the next red, he was a right Jack-the Lad. One day I arrived back at the office and asked Paula if Mike was coming in and Paula told me that Mike had an appointment but his wife was already here doing the books in our office. I went in and

Paula introduced Margaret to me. She was very attractive with dark hair, blue eyes and massive tits. Margaret was very shy at first but as I got to know her little innuendoes started to come out, she was flirting with me. The temptation was too much. One day Margaret was in and we were in the office on our own so I asked her if she wanted to go for a drink after work, she didnt hesitate at all, she said, Yes straight away. That night we met at a pub in Street Lane, it was quite a trendy part of Leeds at the time. I think at first, Margaret was a little bit nervous but after a couple of drinks she seemed quite relaxed and the conversation was going well. We talked about lots of things including our respective partners but mainly flirted. It got to eight oclock and Margaret announced she must leave so

373 we finished our drinks and I walked her to her car. I remember saying, Quite a sporty number, she replied, Who, me or the car? and then she giggled and moved closer into my arms. We kissed for a while and then got into her car, we kissed again and again. I felt her hand come across my leg and feel my groin, I was by now erect and Margaret had a firm hold of me. I would say that she was probably about ten years older than me and definitely had ten years more experience than me. We saw each other quite a few times and then one day I got a call from Mike inviting Julia and I out for a meal at my favourite wine bar in Harrogate. Mike was a very sociable bloke and liked a good Port so this wasnt out of the blue. We met at William and Victorias on the Friday evening and sat down to eat. As the

evening went on Margaret started to rub my leg with her stocking feet, whilst I was trying to look Mike in the face when he was talking to me. It was bizarre, my wife was sitting right next to me! We had several nights out like this and every time Margaret did the same thing, I remember one night we were in the Bistro and a woman on the next table could see what Margaret was doing and she kept watching her all night with a real look of disgust. Something had to be done, until now I had not slept with her so I decided that it was time to do something about it and the opportunity came not long after this particular night. I was having a quiet day in the office doing some invoicing when Margaret arrived at the office to do some accounts, she was sat at the main meeting table and I asked

375 her if she had a lot to do, No, I will be finished just after lunch, was the reply. I asked her to meet me in the bar at the Queens Hotel at two oclock and went off for some lunch. I arrived early; I needed some Dutch courage so I had a large scotch. Two oclock came and went and I was getting very nervous, I went back to the bar and ordered another, then I felt a gentle prod in my back, she was here. I got her a large G&T and we sat there chatting, things were very different now, I was nervous and I could tell Margaret wasnt the same flirty self that she was in the office. I went and booked a room and returned to the bar, I said, Come on then, are you ready, Margaret smiled nervously and rose from her seat. In the lift on the way up to the room, she burst out laughing and

said, I have a hair on my nipple, please dont laugh at it, I nearly wet myself, but that made us both much more relaxed. She was right; she had, Margaret had a very nice body and had an ample bust even though one had a hair on, we made love, but Margaret insisted that I wear a condom, now this was like trying to swim with wellies on; it was horrible. The next time we made love, I didnt put a condom on and she didnt say anything, so this time was much better although I dont think either of us was really relaxed. It was a case of just going through the motions, it was something that we both wanted or thought we wanted but it got it out of our systems. Two days later Paula walked into my office and held up a credit card receipt for the Queens Hotel, Who were you with on Tuesday at

377 the Queens? I could see her mind ticking over, Oh my God, Margaret! I burst out laughing, You Bastard! They are my friends, Well have a word with her then, and its none of your business I said sternly. I knew that if I looked as though I was going to get angry Paula would disappear very quickly and she did. I sat there and laughed some more, Paula told everyone in the office including Andy but he wasnt in a position to say anything. I saw Margaret a couple of times after that for the odd drink but that was it, over. I got the feeling that Andy was having a crack at her, because I knew he fancied her too, but he would have to be careful because he was still giving Paula one and Joanna. I dont think Mike got to know, but I heard on the grapevine I wasnt the only client Margaret had

desires for. Obviously there was something very wrong with her and Mike, I believe they separated about two years later. It was in January of 1990 when I received a call from a bloke in Watford, he introduced himself as the chairman of a southern based advertising agency and was looking for a northern office, his big question was, had I thought about selling the company or thought of amalgamating with another agency I was quite intrigued at this and told him I would speak to Andy and call him back, which I did, we arranged a meeting for the following week at the Queens Hotel. Andy and turned up at the hotel foyer and awaited there arrival, we didnt have to wait long, I was looking out of the bar window and saw a Porsche 928 pull into the parking bay. Two

379 men got out, one short and very stocky and the other was very tall and thin, this had to be them. They entered the bar and the introductions were made. The short bloke was the chairman, Antonio Diamendez, he was from Greek origin, very smartly dressed and dripping in gold, the other chap was his creative director, Graham, he was dressed much more casual and I sensed he wasnt comfortable wearing a tie. It was quite an interesting meeting; they were fishing for our client list and Andy and I were trying to work out how much money they had and if they could afford to buy us. It turned out that he had heard of us through a model agency we both used. The outcome of the meeting was that Andy and I werent interested in joining forces with them but we were

interested in selling the company outright. I had figured out already that we were worth over one million based on seven times our net profit. I would be happy with that, without a shadow of doubt. We arranged to meet them in Watford in two weeks, which would give Mike and Margaret time to do the necessary figures and make them look as good as possible. When our visitors had departed Andy and I stayed for a celebration drink, we were both laughing at the prospect of being given a great big wad of cash each. Antonio phoned me later that week to invite Andy and I to watch Leeds United play against Watford, he had tickets for the Directors Box. We decided that we combine our meeting with the football and stay for the weekend at the Watford Hilton; it would mean paying for a

381 room for Mike but, what the hell. We arrived at the stadium early and had a walk around, it was really funny because people driving by were pipping their car horns and Andy said, Why do you think theyre doing that? I looked at him and then at Mike, we were all wearing blue blazers and dark grey trousers, I think that they think we are footballers, Mike burst out laughing because he must have been forty five if he was a day and sixteen stone in weight. We met our hosts at the main entrance and Antonio handed us a match programme each. When I looked inside on the front page it read Watford Football Club welcome Jonathan Cogdon and Andrew Brown from Leeds, we were thrilled and then we were given a guided tour around the ground by a club official, it was a scream because

as we walked in front of the crowd these kids were leaning over the walls and asking us for our autographs, well I was in my element, Andy was too shy and Mike was pissing himself. When we approached the Leeds end it came over on the tannoy and all the Leeds fans started chanting Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, it really made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, it was a brilliant feeling. We were waving at the crowd, thousands of them, I dont think Andy and Mike were that impressed but I loved every minute of it. We then went into the players tunnel and I couldnt help thinking, maybe, just maybe, if I hadnt fucked about all those years ago I could be doing this every week as a player. Well there you go water under the bridge and you never get a second

383 chance! Once inside the executive suit we were sat down to a very nice lunch, the wall facing the pitch was glass and had sliding doors so you could go out onto the balcony, sit, and watch the game. It really was a great day, however Antonio was enjoying it all a bit much, he was absolutely plastered when we left the ground. We arranged to meet him at nine oclock in the Hilton bar. I went straight to lie down when we got back, I was tired and I too, had drank too much wine. I slept until eight oclock and then had a shower to freshen me up for the evening. I gave Andy a knock as I went down to the lounge bar. Mike had been down earlier and booked us a table so now we were just waiting for Antonio and Graham to arrive. By half past nine we

gave up waiting and sat down for dinner, it didnt look like they were going to make it. We werent bothered there was always the next day so we relaxed, had a bottle of wine and talked about the events of the day. Once we had finished we went into the bar and had a couple of night caps, well too many actually, what with all the alcohol we had consumed in the day and then the wine with dinner we were all pissed, very pissed. I woke the next morning to the sound of the phone, Oh my head hurt, It was Antonio, he sounded terrible and asked me where his car was, obviously I hadnt a clue where his bloody car was, actually, after the game he had gone into Watford to a restaurant and he couldnt remember anything after that, he was quite surprised to find out that we had

385 not been with him. I told him we were having breakfast and then heading north and that I would speak to him in the week. I phoned Andy and Mike in their rooms; we ate and then checked out. Conversation was very sparse on the way up the motorway back to Yorkshire we were all feeling the effects of a very long days drinking. We had one more meeting with our southern friends and then heard nothing from them at all, I knew in my heart that it was all an ego trip for Antonio, Oh well goodbye 1 million. Andy and I continued to work hard throughout that year, but the writing was on the wall, AFG, split up and sold out all their branches and most other clients reduced their marketing budgets, everyone seemed to be cutting back and all the time I was

thinking about selling and getting out whilst we were worth something. Every month after we had done the invoicing I added up the gross sales with my heart in my mouth. We decided to invest in new technology and install Apple Macs into the studio, this by my reckoning would mean we could get rid of three artists and save on wages and also have the capacity to produce more work, a sensible business decision. Andy was against anything to do with technology, he didnt understand it but after about five demonstrations he was convinced I was right. In the back of my mind I still had the dream of selling the company for a substantial sum and getting out. We had put blood, sweat and tears into this and I wanted to dispose of it for as much

387 money as I could. I kept hunting for new accounts and for the first time in the companys history we had bad debts. What made it really worse is that the debts came from people we trusted and knew. These people were local to Leeds and Harrogate, but they knew what they were doing, we were used. One bloke took us for over 7,000 which doesnt sound a lot in business, but when it comes off the profit, it becomes seven times that, so it really is 49,000 that we were stung for, just by him. This leaves a really bad taste in your mouth especially when you realize that he had no intention of paying you right from the start. It was the first time in my life that I considered having this bloke killed, What was another 1,000? Thats all it would cost! Both Andy and I were beginning to learn some very

expensive lessons, life was not all a bed of roses and my Midas touch had deserted me. All of a sudden I wasnt bouncing out of bed every morning and my early doors drink started to get later and later, sometimes I wouldnt leave the pub until closing time, the pressure was starting to get to me and wear me down. Julia and I had booked a three week break in the south of France for us and kids. It didnt come too soon; I think Julia could feel the pressure too, so the holiday was what we desperately needed. By now I had bought a Ford Sierra 4X4 2.9i for Julias everyday use, this was a perfect travelling car, it had power steering, plenty of room and a powerful engine, the perfect car to travel through France. None of the Porsches, were big enough to fit us all in with luggage. We drove

389 down to the Dordogne for a week, which was beautiful and then travelled down to St John de Luz for the remaining two weeks. This was probably one of the nicest places I had ever seen. The children were now getting to the age whereby they could appreciate things, they had a fantastic time and although we were camping we ate out in very nice restaurants every night. Money was still not an issue so we did everything and ate everything; we shopped in Biarritz and toured the local area into Spain, all in all it was fantastic. After sailing back to England from Santander we arrived back in Harrogate the day before I had to be back to the grind stone. I knew there were no disasters waiting for me as I had phoned Andy on several occasions during the

holiday, but there was a surprise in store. As soon as I had sorted out my diary and scheduled my client meetings Andy said, Lets go for a pint, Ive got some news for you. At the pub Andy told me that we had been approached by another agency and that they might be interested in buying the company, I told him to set up a meeting and inform Mike, we might need an up to date balance sheet. The first meeting was at their offices Butler Advertising in Headingley. From the moment I set eyes on this bloke I hated him he was called Andrew Butler.

391 Selling my soul to the Devil Although I didnt like this bloke one bit I was still interested in taking as much money as I could from him plus Andy was starting to get on my nerves, he didnt take too well to pressure. He used to come out in big red blotches and most mornings he was all doom and gloom which didnt help me, I was trying to improve and add to the client base, there was no wonder I was drinking like a fish, it seemed the only escape I had at the time. Julia wasnt in a position to advise me, she had never had anything to do with the business, it was obvious to me that we had come to a major crossroads and something had to be done, the trouble was that I was on my own. Everyone seemed to turn to me. I didnt know the answers because I had never done this before,

it felt like a constant nightmare. We began discussions that day when Butler requested all the information he would require about accounts and shareholdings. After a short discussion back at the office Andy and I agreed to put the wheels in motion. Weeks went by; meeting after meeting and then I received a call from Butler he was ready to make an offer! It was like someone had lifted a ten ton weight off my neck, although it meant I had to sit in another meeting and look at his horrible face again. I just hoped it was going to be worth it. We attended the meeting and Butler gave us his best offer, a deal which was worth in total in excess of 350,000. It certainly gave us both something to think about. I had very mixed feelings at the time and I suppose I was very disappointed in a way.

393 The only thing I could think was at least it would give me some brass in the bank and time to sort out what I really wanted out of life. We kept Butler waiting for a couple of days and I drafted out my personal terms and Andys personal terms. Andy wanted security, so I negotiated a three year work out plan for him with less cash up front. I on the other hand wanted out, there was no way on Gods earth was I going to work for this prick Butler. I wanted more cash, a three month handover period and then to walk away free. I didnt want anything to do with him. The next time we met, I put this to Butler and after a bit of chewing the fat we agreed, we were to sign on the day after New Year, 2 January 1991. The poor staff had no idea what was going on and I got the bulk of them jobs offers with

their new employer to be. We had booked a table at the Old Swan Hotel for all the staff on New Years Eve, Andy and I had to spend the whole day with the solicitors, what a bloody nightmare that was, my head was mashed by the time we had gone through the contract, it was referred to as the Bible by the solicitor but I have never seen a bible that thick, it was tremendous in size and weight. We finished late and drove straight to the Hotel Julia and Moira were already there with all the staff. We gave them the best New Years Eve party they had ever had and sent the entire bill to Butler. We signed on the due date, I couldnt help feeling very insecure, I had just signed away everything I had worked for and had no idea what the future had in store for me and my family. I constantly thought

395 of things to do during the time I was doing my work out. One day I went in to the office and was told that Butler wanted to see me. I went to the board room where he was sitting with the account, they were going through the months figures and had worked out my salary and bonus. He passed me a computer print out showing me a substantial amount of money clawed back by the company for artists time I had used preparing visuals for a presentation. I hit the roof, there had been no mention of this at all, he had sneaked this in and there was nothing I could do about it, all of a sudden I was playing under his rules. Bastard, I screamed then stood up and turned the table and its contents on top of Butler, he had water, coffee, biscuits, paper, juice and crockery all over him. That

was the last time I saw him, I hated the bastard. I drove what was now his car to the local garage where we used to get ours serviced and told the bloke to phone the office in about two weeks and ask what was he supposed to be doing with it?, he laughed and agreed. Butler had no idea where it was, but he dared not contact me to find out. I knew I wasnt stable at this time, I was very emotional and insecure, I didnt know what I was going to do and spent a few days in a drunken stupor. Julia was very concerned; she spent evenings trying to reassure me that we would be OK but I had a really empty feeling inside, a feeling that I had never experienced before, it was a feeling of massive emptiness and I was all too aware that I had just sold what had been my life and livelihood

397 to the Devil. Was I still master of my own destiny? Or had I buckled under all this pressure? After a week or so on the piss I bumped in to a lad who had worked for me, he had gone freelance and was working out of a garage doing artwork in the conventional way, he couldnt use a computer to save his life but if I was to set up in business again I would need an artist, I couldnt do all the artwork and get clients, not again. I suggested we went for a beer and told him what I had in mind and that he could use some of my office space as a studio. He seemed very keen and told me he had already found an office but he couldnt afford the rent on his own. We arranged to go see the offices and decided there and then that we would share the rent and I would give him a regular supply of work.

There was one big problem, which was I had signed a contract with Butler that I would not set up in business within a twenty five mile radius of Leeds and these offices in Harrogate were a mere seventeen miles away. Bollocks to him, if he wants to sue me then he could try. I had made my mind up and went about getting things in motion. The first job was I needed clients! I knew that my old mate from Calderford Ian had a couple of dealerships in the midlands so I phoned around the media to find out where he was. Ian turned up in Stratford upon Avon and even better he was very receptive when I spoke to him and explained what I was doing. Ian was great, we had a meeting in Stratford and I basically walked away with all his business, mind you I also drove away in a new BMW, Ian was no

399 fool and he knew that I had a very soft spot for nice cars, especially having just lost my Porsche turbo. It wasnt long before we were set up and working. I was still very aware that I needed more business, Ians work kept me busy for a couple of days a week and earned me a wage but I needed more and I had too much time on my hands. There was a pub just around the corner from the office called the Coach and Horses, it was and still is a very traditional pub and a place I had often used in the past, the landlord was a long standing licensee in the Harrogate area called Bob Nelson, a great old bloke who stood tall and was very well respected, nobody, even the youngsters tried to mess with him. John, Bobs son was also involved at the Coach and I could see he was in the slipstream to

take over when Bob retired. I got on very well with them both and was invited to join their Golf Society. This was something that happened very rarely, nobody could ask to join, One had to be invited into the fold and that was only after every other member had been consulted. Most of the members were wealthy, retired or semi retired businessmen, solicitors or accountants. Of course, I accepted and spent most of my lunchtimes having a sarni and a beer.

Eric Mason
It was on one of these lunchtimes I was introduced to a bloke from down south called Eric Mason, he was a swarthy, broad shouldered man with a scare down the side of his face and another on the back

401 of his hand. He was very smart, suited and well cut, but had a very broad East end accent. It turned out that Eric had been friends with the Krays and lived in the East end all his life, well, when he wasnt in prison. Although Eric was thirty years my senior he was interesting and we had a good laugh together, we became very good friends over that period and his son Michael and my son James used to play together at my house, There was a regular group of us who met more or less on a daily basis, lunchtimes for a sarni and pint and early doors, after the office for a proper drink. Eric had come from a large family and had grown up in London during the war, he had had a very tough life and the scars to prove it, he was the last man to be flogged with the cat-o-nine tails in our judiciary

system and was a gangland member during the fifties, sixties and seventies, Eric is a lot of things but what he really is underneath all this is Hard with a capital H, his eyes are cold blue steel like and fearless, even for his years theres not many men around who would want to tackle him. Eric came from a boxing family, as did a lot of kids from the East end in those days it was a cult, it was the only way to climb out of the poverty that the war left. Some of the things he has told me are quite unbelievable, there were some right goings on in the Blind Beggar pub which is where Eric and his associates frequented. Eric has written a couple of books telling the truth about his life and run-ins with some very infamous characters like Jack the Hat McVitie and the Richardson Brothers. Charlie and

403 Eddie Richardson were the leaders of the gang and well known for their very violent, sadistic and torturous deeds, they were said to be even more violent than the Krays. Their empire had been built on violence and fear, they were dangerous, their Manor was South London, known to all as Indian Country. Connie Whitehead and Eric were in the Astor Club one night, their had been a problem between the two gangs and it is said that in 1964 Mad Frankie Frazer who had joined the Richardsons kidnapped Eric Mason and hit him with an axe in the head, Eric had put his right hand on his head to protect himself, the axe pinned his hand to his head, I have seen the scars. During this time Eric introduced me to some very spurious characters and also told me many a story of events

that are documented in recent history. During the time Eric was writing his first book, which I named for him, Mason The Inside Story I was with him at his house when the phone rang, Carol, Erics partner and Michael and Sarahs mother answered the phone, she said, Eric its Reggie for you Eric went over and took the phone, he was chatting for a while and then he said, Jon, ere someone wants to say ello, he handed me the phone and this deep voice said, Awright son, how you doin I realized it was Reggie Kray, I answered, Fine thanks Reg, how about you? Yea, Good son, good, you helping him with the book? Yea Reggie yea, look after im then, Tara. I said goodbye and handed Eric the phone back, he carried on talking for a short while longer and then put the phone down.

405 Dont get long on one of them nick phone cards, Eric said and carried on as though he had just been talking to anyone. I mean it was Reggie Kray for Gods sake! I must admit I was impressed, Reggie Kray talking to me like we were old mates, amazing! So most days we spent in the Coach and we had a good crowd of people going in there, a real mix, some were tradesmen, others professionals, but we all got on very well, Bob and Jon had a good clientele and a happy family, the atmosphere was brilliant and it didnt matter what time of day you went in there, there was always some friendly face to chat to. Occasionally, blokes from London would appear, always mob handed and Eric would introduce me to them, one bloke, who came up to Harrogate on a regular basis was

Billy Cox he was also from a boxing background, I got on very well with Billy, I think he is a Trainer and Referee now, he was a real card and a good laugh, we always had that North, South banter with all the blokes that Eric introduced me to, everything was good at the time. Places have their highs and lows and this period was definitely a high. I had started to relax a bit and was enjoying myself again, I wasnt doing much about work, I was just going with the flow and living a champagne lifestyle, life seemed to be one big social occasion and I was getting carried away with having a good time. We were in the Coach one day, I was with Bernard, Paul Widnalls Dad and Fitzy, he is a great lad, Fitzy worked with Bernard building they often drank in the Coach. Bernard was harping on about someone

407 dropping out of their trip to France to see a barn conversion that they had been asked to quote on, so old big ears asked what he was going on about. Bernard told me they were setting off for France the following day and because this bloke had dropped out, it would cost them more money because the petrol would now have to be split three ways instead of four. I instantly said, Well Ill fill the spare seat then if you dont mind? What about work? said Fitz, Oh it will be OK, was my reply, like I said I was living the life of Riley and I knew I would have a good laugh with them. When I got home that evening I told Julia, she didnt bat an eyelid; she knew I would do whatever I wanted anyway. The next day we met in the Coach at lunchtime, we had a couple of beers and waited for the fourth person

to arrive, his name was John. Once we were all there we set off for Plymouth, I phoned into the office on the way down the motorway, everything was in hand so I had no worries. I was sat in the back of the car with Fitz what a laugh he kept on producing cans of beer from his rucksack and we messed about, drinking and laughing for the entire journey. We got to Plymouth about three hours before the ferry was due to sail, so we headed straight to the pub right opposite the ferry terminal. We were all settling in for a good drink when Fitz saw these blokes playing cards in the corner, they looked like a right set of rogue pirates, like something out of Blackbeard. Off he went, straight over to the table and asked if he could join in the game. Bernard had a smirk on his face, a real wry

409 smile. When I asked him what he was smiling about he just nodded at Fitzy and said, Watch. We carried on chatting and having a laugh, every now and again Bernard would look over my shoulder just to see how Fitz was doing and shaking his head. After a while Fitz got up for another beer, he had a big grin on his face so we assumed he was doing well. Then Bernard said, Here he comes, Fitz strolled over and said to Bernard, Can I have twenty? Bernard gave him the twenty quid note and said to him Be careful, you know what your like and you havent got much! Nah, itll be right, Said Fitzy smiling, by this time through beer goggles. By the time we had to leave for the ferry he was pissed and skint. Bernard was giving him a right ear bashing. When we got on the ship Fitz and

I went off to check out whether or not there were any free cabins, we hadnt paid for one but we knew that there would be one free somewhere. After a couple of close shaves we found one and went back to the bar to tell the others. Bernard didnt want to know he was much older than us and would never dream of taking a cabin he hadnt paid for but after more beer we talked him into it. The next morning we woke in time to get a bit of breakfast before we disembarked and made our way down the Auto-Route. We arrived at our destination mid afternoon, thirsty and ready for more beer. The Hostess was a very attractive French lady in her early forties, she was well tasty. Bernard and Fitz had stayed here before and knew some of the locals so it was a proper welcome

411 session; we drank well into the night. Fitz and I were last to leave the bar, we were sharing a room because no one else would share with him; they knew what he was like, he was a mad man after a few beers and would stay up talking all-night whether you were listening to him or not, I didnt mind because I can sleep on a washing line after a good night on the town. He next day we went up to the barn and had a couple of cold beers whilst Bernard discussed the work with the owner and then we went off to the remains of a village where the Germans had massacred everyone who was unfortunate enough to have been there when they arrived. It was done by the S.S. because some French Resistance had apparently attacked a shipment of Art Treasures bound for Hitlers

collection. It was totally unbelievable, the village had not been touched since the day it had happened, there were shoes in the street, prams overturned with bullet holes in, burnt out cars also with bullet holes, there was even knives inside the butchers shop placed on a marble slab and other tools laid around other places that had been dropped when the murderous event started. I have heard stories about birds not flying over Auschwitz and the other concentration camps left from the war, but to experience it first hand was incredible, it was so eerie and real. We all walked around the place and never said a word to each other all the time we were there. I noticed when I looked up at the old telegraph poles that there really was no birds flying over or perched on the trees. Yes there

413 were birds outside the village boundary walls but not one within the village itself. The final thing we saw that nearly brought us all to tears was inside the church. This was the place where all the women and children were ushered and shot against the big wall on the inside, there were thousands of bullet holes in the wall and it was so clear and real I could see in my mind the events of that day, the horrible sound of gunfire and screams of distraught parents and children, sheer mayhem and murder. It was an incredibly moving experience and not one that I would like to experience again. The atmosphere in the car driving back was pretty weird too, I think it took about an hour and a couple more beers for us all to get back into our normal frame of mind. The next morning I woke with a banging headache,

we had definitely had too much to drink the night before and today was the day we had to drive back to Caen to catch the ferry back to England. Fitz was missing and the others had no idea where he was, so we packed our bags and went back into the dining room for some more coffee. Fitz came bursting into the reception, he was sweating like a pig and shaking, he was also holding his chest, I jumped up and sat him down in a chair. The others just sat there, I dont think any of them knew what to do or wanted to know. I told them to get an ambulance and held onto Fitz I was trying to make sense of what he was saying but he didnt look too clever to me. The ambulance arrived and the medics put him on a stretcher, feeling his pulse and all that stuff, I could see his heart was thumping

415 through his shirt. They wouldnt take him to hospital until I had paid the bill for the ambulance, it was crazy, heres a bloke laid out on a stretcher with God knows what wrong with him and they just stand there demanding money. We followed the ambulance to Angouleme where the ambulance men rushed him in; I went in with him because I was the only one who could speak some French. After a while on the cardiac unit and further examinations, it turned out that Fitz had been up at six oclock drinking large coffee and brandy. He had drunk about six of those very strong coffees and I would imagine the same amount of brandy, all self inflicted what a prat! The doctor gave him a sedative and said he would be alright to travel. Panic over or was it because now I had to get us to

the ferry, no-one else felt like driving, what a nightmare. Fitzy never moved in the car he slept for the entire journey through France. We got back to Harrogate at lunchtime the following day and Fitz hadnt moved but as soon as we pulled into the car park, he was first to the bar guzzling beer. He paid the price because everyone got to hear and he became the brunt of many a joke. Life carried on as normal in the coach and this event was just one of many because come the next week and the one after that there would be something or someone else to make fun of.

417

Murder in the Street

It had been a good few years since I had seen Mike Styles, I had heard various things about him on the grapevine and knew he was now living in Knaresborough with his girlfriend. I think the last time I spoke to him was around the time James was born, I bumped into him in a pub in Knaresborough when I was with Paul. Mike and I had definitely gone our different ways and I sensed resentment at the time, he was dressed in black with a scruffy black overcoat on, I was doing extremely well and dressed in designer clothes, Mike was living in what I would consider a dump. I was never keen on Knaresborough, although Paul and Sandra seemed quite happy during the time they were living there.

We had a couple of drinks together, Mike took every opportunity to make remarks about the rich and famous and how lucky I had been, Paul was more interested in talking about drugs, he was well into the scene by now and if he wasnt buying he was selling much to my distaste, anyway as I remember we jumped in the car having said our farewells and went back to Pauls house to see how the girls and kids were doing, we stayed that night because both Julia and I had drunk too much to drive. As I drove away from that pub little did I know that that was the last time I was to see Mike Styles alive. I still considered him a good friend solely because we went back right to the beginning, he was like family, he was one of the original five.

419 It was one evening; I had just arrived in from the pub after work and Mum phoned, she said that Mikes Mum had been on the phone and that I had to phone her. I wondered what the hell was going on. I phoned Mrs Styles straight away, when she picked up the phone I could tell something was wrong, I mean I hadnt spoken to Mikes Mum or Dad for years apart from when Julia and I had been into the haberdashery shop she managed in town. Her voice was low and trembling and she sounded very tearful, she told me that Mike had been killed the day before; I nearly dropped the phone, How? Why? I couldnt ask her all the questions I wanted to ask, I could tell she was in real pain. She asked me if I would attend the funeral and take photographs of all the flowers and messages that

were sent so that she could keep them. I thought this was a bit macabre at first but I agreed, thinking back it was probably what my Mum would have wanted if something like that had happened to me. I was shocked and had so many questions I wanted to ask but this was definitely not the time. I put the phone down and sat on the settee, Julia asked what was going on and I told her, she said that she had heard something on the news about a murder in Starbeck, but had missed the details because she was busy sorting out the kids dinner. I had missed the news, so I made a few calls to people that might know and that I could ask but everything was very vague and sketchy at this early stage, no one seemed to know the details, the only thing that wasnt vague was the fact that Mike was

421 dead. It turned out that two brothers had been involved; they were Andrew and Bruce Macdermid from the St Andrews estate in Starbeck. This was for many years one of the roughest areas of Harrogate. All the gangs from around that area would normally congregate in the Broadacres pub, nobody who wasnt from around there would go into it. We used to call it the Zoo and if you remember the bar scene from the first Star Wars movie it was like that, although some of the lads from down there were more than accepted into our mob on match days and there was a handful that spent more time in town with us and in Bilton than they spent on their home ground. The Broadacres was surrounded by probably the biggest council estate

in Harrogate at the time. There were stray dogs running around the littered streets all the time, broken bikes, car wheels, parts of beds, mattresses and scruffy kids playing in the roads, it was a tip and a really rough working class area. People from outside Harrogate perceive the town to be up market and expensive to live, a walk through St Andrews after dark would be a real eye opener for them, thats for sure. I was later told that Mike had had trouble with the eldest of the two, Andrew, a few weeks prior to the killing and it may have fuelled what happened on this dreadful day. Mike and his brother Kevin, had gone into the St Andrews estate looking for the Macdermid brothers over either drugs or money owed or both. Kevin is the eldest brother of the

423 Styles family, there is also Graham who had moved to Australia some years earlier, Sue, Mandy, and Janine who I believe, all still live in the Harrogate area. When we were kids Kevin was never at home and not much was said about him but Mike let it slip one day that his eldest brother was in prison for armed robbery, which surprised us because they seemed such a nice family. They were all intelligent and always well presented and Mikes Mum and Dad were really nice. As we got older Kevin appeared back in town, he was never far from trouble and used to hang around all the dives. At one time he started to come out with Mike into our company but he was never accepted by any of the lads, there was always something about him that none of us took to. When I heard that he was there

that day it did not surprise me, like I said he was never far from trouble. It seems that Mike and Kev had gone to the Macdermids house and there was some sort of verbal exchange from their garden into the street where Mike and Kev stood, then Andrew disappeared around the back of the house and returned a few minutes later branding a screwdriver. The battle was about to begin. They started fighting, initially just Mike and Andrew so I am lead to believe, but then Bruce jumped in and went for Kev who rumour has it ran away leaving Mike to fight the two brothers. It was at this stage Bruce had the opportunity to grab a shovel without Mike seeing him and whack him over the head from behind, this gave Andrew the chance to

425 go in close, he stabbed Mike in the throat and then a fatal blow to the chest, the screwdriver pierced Mikes heart and he fell to the tarmac. It was all over in seconds a flurry of fists and waving arms, boots lashing out, absolute mayhem, shouting, screaming and the shining screwdriver shaft in the sunlight. Silence, a groan who knows what noises were made, all I know is that the ambulance crew arrived and by the time they got Mike into hospital he was dead. What a waste of human life. Mike left behind his partner of quite some time and her daughter, Im not sure whether Mike was the biological father but I do know she thought of him as her Dad. The day of the funeral arrived and I have got to be honest I really didnt want to be there. When I arrived there was quite a gathering of lads some I

didnt know and quite a lot of the lads from the old days that knew me, some I wished I didnt know but there we are, at least they had turned up to show some respect for Mike as a friend and a human being. I took the photos as requested and went to Mikes parents afterwards, there was a select few that Mr and Mrs Styles had invited back, mostly funnily enough were Mikes ex girlfriends. Kevin was there keeping very quiet and out of the way, I can still see his sly eyes scanning the room for somebody to talk to but there werent many people making it easy for him to approach them. I spent most of the time talking to Janine; she was still very attractive although she was older. I arranged to meet Janine to drop the photos off and have lunch, which was

427 my way of finding out if she was available or not, anyway I met her and she wasnt too forthcoming so I left it at that. The next I heard was I had received a message from Mikes Mum to say thank you. That was the last time I had any contact with the Styles family and I have no idea where Kevin is now, probably not around Harrogate that for sure. The Macdermids were both sentenced, Andrew got life, so he will have been out for some time now and Bruce only did a couple of years I believe. Tragic isnt it a human life- worthless, I say, Hang the bastards, especially these terrorists, child murderers, rapists and paedophiles. What a better world it would be.

Trouble Brewing
Work was still an inconvenience but I was doing what I could to keep it together, the trouble was I was enjoying going to the Coach at lunch times too much and the social scene was truly taking over my life. I would rather drink in the pub with Eric Mason and the rest of the crowd than go off and make some money. I was also painfully aware that I had the Tax man to pay on the money I had received for the sale of Cogdon Brown. This was playing on my mind, the children were still in private school, the mortgage still had to be paid and it was starting to worry me. It was easier to go to the pub and blot all the problems out than to face the cold grim light of day. I was very conscious of the fact that I needed to keep it together but I was starting to bury my

429 head under the sand. For the first time in my life I was losing it, I didnt have the bottle anymore to face the problem. It was like a disease, it started to eat at me and the more it ate the more I hid in the pub always drinking and never completely sober. I was after all the life and soul of the party and people expected me to be there. If I turned invitations down especially for lunch at the Drum and Monkey people would think there was something wrong. The Drum and Monkey was the place to be seen and eat. It was just a pub really but it had this reputation for the best seafood in Harrogate and only the chosen few could get a table there. I had to keep it up, but for how long could I sustain this lifestyle without doing any work and also this thing inside me like a phobia that

stopped me wanting to help myself. The longer it went on the more I feared it, I was safe surrounded by my friends in the pub, laughing, joking, having a good time and forgetting that I had major problems. Whats really stupid is that people valued my advice and would ask for it on a regular basis. There was I giving out good sound business advice to people and not doing for myself. Every night I would go home and play with the kids, ignoring the fact I had a problem and creating another problem by drinking too much so that I could sleep on a night. It got to the stage that I couldnt function without a drink, all my confidence had disappeared and I was floundering in a wilderness that I did not know or understand. The problem was getting bigger by the day, Christ! What had I done to deserve this? All

431 my life I had strived to do well and with a bit of luck I had done well, I had no idea what was happening to me it was all too much and I didnt know where to turn, the problems seemed to be mounting inside my head and I was ready to burst. I realized it was effecting me in a really adverse way when my temper started to get better of me again, I was like a pressure cooker. On a few occasions I flipped my lid in the Coach, and battered a few blokes in the process, fortunately not my friends or locals, just rowdy outsiders who came in the wrong pub at the wrong time. John, Bob and the lads just sort of ignored it because I was who I was but they must have been aware that I wasnt the same old Jon. It took nothing for me to just knock someone out, I was really on the edge. There was bloke who came

in regular, he did some work with Fitzy and Bernard occasionally, he used to be a farmer and was very loud. I used to give him the time of day, but he was a bully, he wasnt the biggest bloke in the world but he had the biggest mouth and he was, if anything as strong as an Ox his name was Cookie. It was all a big laugh to him as he used to burp in peoples faces or generally rough people up by poking them in the ribs as he walked by or insult them, like all these type of people he was also very careful who he did it to. One particular day he came in early about eleven thirty in the morning, I was leant against the bar facing and having a conversation with John. Mornin he bellowed right in my ear and then hit me hard in the kidney, it hurt like bloody hell, I stood up straight as he walked right passed

433 me and made his way to the toilet. Do that again Cookie and Ill fucking kill you, he laughed and continued through the door. My back was hurting, John was quite shocked he probably thought he would never try that with me, anyway we carried on talking and I had forgotten about it. A good few minutes went by before Cookie came back in the room, I never saw him as there were a lot more people in the pub by now all waiting to get served and also passing pleasantries around to each other. I had turned to acknowledge Little Ronnie and Eric when I felt this whack in my other kidney, I jumped up straight as an arrow and screamed. Fuck this really hurt , as I turned Cookie was stood there laughing, Outside you bastard Now! I balled, Cookie with help from Eric turned towards the door,

and he had no option because if he didnt walk everyone would call him a coward. He made his way to the doorway and as I stepped through into the hallway his fist hit me square on the jaw, as I reeled back the door closed behind me and the other door leading to the street was also closed, I had him and he had nowhere to go. My fists were like pistons, pounding him in the face then down below in the ribs and up to his face again, then ribs again, he bent double and everyone could see through the frosted glass he was by now defenceless, it was a constant barrage of short sharp, hard punches faster than he had ever known and no-one could get in to stop it because my back was against the door. As he bent I kicked him once in the face and then I was forced forward from the

435 pressure of the others pushing the door to get in and stop it. Both my arms were grasped tight and I was dragged back into the pub. John pointed to the corner and told me to calm down whist he pulled me a pint; the others went into the hall to see if he was alright. I sat there shaking as John went outside and suggested to him that it might be a good idea if he were to go elsewhere for his next pint and come back the next day when the dust might have settled. Now, although I still believe he deserved everything he got that day I also know that if I had been my usual self I would have dealt with this in a different way. It had been along time since I had resorted to violence of that magnitude, if the others hadnt got through the door God knows what would have happened. I was very much a

loose cannon and I think people around me started to notice after what they had just witnessed. I was off the rails and I knew it I just couldnt stop it, I had an insatiable appetite for women as well. There was a string of women at that time that I had flings with including some of the bar staff. Although I was semi-pissed all the time somehow these women didnt mind, there were certain nights when there were two or three of them in the pub and I would work my way around them all, eventually stopping with the one I wanted for that night, everyone knew including them but it didnt seem to matter, if one night a particular one wasnt chosen she would be there the next night and then it was likely it was her turn, crazy, absolutely crazy. I still cannot work out what women would want with a hell

437 raising drunk; maybe they thought I still had a load of money! The truth was I did still have money but by now most of it belonged to the Tax man. Julia was also getting nervous about how much I was drinking and the nights I spent out until very late, she started going over to Cheshire more often to stay with her cousin and taking the kids. Life around me was falling apart and I was planing on a road to disaster. One week she went to stay and I as usual hit the bottle. Julia went on the Friday so I was out on the night-time to the Coach as usual. Eric was there with Carol and another women who was one of Carols friends from Manchester, I cant even remember her name but we went on to Carringtons nightclub and as I remember we had a really good night. I had to be careful not to disrespect one of

Erics friends but I fancied her, she was blonde, with a large chest and up for a good laugh. After clearing it with Eric we danced the night away and we dropped Eric and Carol off at their house before going back to mine for a coffee. The next morning I took her to Erics and arranged to see them that evening. It turned out to be a good night on the Saturday too. By the time Sunday morning arrived I was feeling very rough around the edges, I needed a beer to knock the edge off, I was shaking and sweating, I didnt feel well at all so I took her back to Erics as she had a train to catch back to Manchester later that day. As soon as I was free I went up to the park to watch the lads playing football. Mick Berryman and Barny were playing so I stayed and watched the match before we all went

439 to the West Park for a few beers. After a couple of beers I was back on track, I knew this wasnt good for me but it was an immediate remedy and I felt much better once the alcohol got into my system again, I was just topping up. We always had a good laugh after a match, we had invited the opposition to the pub with us and the atmosphere was great, everyone was having a good time. Terry was beer racing everyone he had his daft head on as usual. There was one lad from the other team who was quite good so terry and him decided to have a competition between themselves. Each had six pints of beer in front of them and the first to finish them all was the winner. There must have been a crowd of at least forty people what with friends and wifes amongst the crowd. Everyone was shouting

the two of them on and the noise was deafening. Terry was going well, he was about half a pint in front of his opponent and then the tide turned and he came back with a few massive gulps to catch Terry up, they were neck and neck as the last drops went down, there was a loud cheer and both of them raised their glasses in triumph. The majority decision was that it was a draw as had the football game been, everyone was laughing but Terry wanted a winner, he asked this bloke if he wanted another race and he was up for it too. We couldnt believe it they were going for another six beers each. The crowd were going crackers, shouting, screaming and cheering as the beer went down after less than half their third beers had gone they both put their glasses down and ran to the gents to

441 make room for more. We were in hysterics; they came back to a rapturous roar and continued. Terry won the day in some style the other bloke ran back to the toilets to be sick again, what a day, complete madness. As the afternoon went by I noticed a blonde girl that I had known when I was much younger from the Wigan days she was probably a couple of years my senior and had married one of the lads that used to come to Wigan with us her name was Carole. It turned out that she had separated from him some months earlier and was obviously making up for lost time, she happily accepted my offer of a drink and we chatted for a while. The party was now in full swing and the D.J. came on with his Karaoke machine that was it we were there until the death. This was at the time

when Karaoke had just arrived in the U.K. so it was quite a novelty; we all had a go at singing, even me and when I sing its like or worse than Lee Marvin. I chose to sing American Pie what I didnt know was, it was the seven minute version and without the crowd I dont think I would have made it because I cant sing to save my life but when the chorus kicked in it was belted out by all and sundry in the pub. It was a great day and the night was going to get better. Carole had stuck by my side all afternoon and we were all very merry, in fact if the truth was told we were all as pissed as farts. Last orders finally came and thinking back I was quite pleased, I had other fish to fry, Carole was becoming very attractive, about ten times more attractive than when I first saw her come in the pub

443 eleven hours earlier. We all decided to go to the local Indian Restaurant for some food and more beer, I didnt ask Carole I just assumed by now that she was coming so I grabbed her hand as we left the West Park and led the way. After a decent bit of grub and a few more beers Carole and I got a taxi back to her house. Carole had always been a good looking girl and I had always turned my head when I had seen her around town but she had also always been spoken for, now she wasnt. That night was quite eventful and even more lustful, we seemed to make love all-night, we probably did because there was no way I could have climaxed after all the beer I had consumed. The next morning it was all a bit cloudy all I knew was that I had enjoyed it. It was a Bank Holiday, thank God I didnt

have to think about work, not that I would have gone into the office anyway, I was as twice as rough as I had been the morning before. I seemed to have a big black cloud over my head and I knew the only thing that would move it would be to drink more. Carole had a bottle of wine in the fridge so we lay in bed, drank wine and made love again. I kept on having moments of guilt so I had another mouthful of wine which seemed to work, I knew it would but I also knew it wasnt good. Early that evening I made my way home, once there I sat in the chair and chilled, my body had had enough and all I wanted to do was sleep. I hadnt been home long when there was a knock at the door, Who the hell could this be? I went to the door, it was my neighbour Libby she was married to a foreigner

445 who worked in a local pizzeria, she was younger than us but had become quite friendly with Julia and I because her bloke was out most nights at the restaurant. I turned my back and walked back to the lounge, Come in, Im knackered, I returned to the comfort of my chair. Libby bounced in as she usually did full of the joys of spring, Come on then wheres the wine? she often came round and had a glass of wine with Julia and I but never when Julia wasnt there, she also had a very cheeky grin on her face, havent got any I replied. Up she jumped and ran out of the front door, I wont be a minute, she wailed as she ran off across the lawn, within seconds she was back brandishing two bottles of wine. Oh my God, I really didnt need this right now. After settling herself on the sofa, she asked

what I had been doing over the weekend, she was prying and I could sense it, Did I see a women leaving here on Saturday morning? she asked with a really cheeky smile on her face her blue eyes were twinkling in the light, No, that was a woman delivering some leaflet or something, I was just on my way out, So why did she get in your car?. Because she knows Julia and she was going to town so I said I would give her a lift, She knew but she wasnt pushing it, she didnt want to rock the boat. We were sitting there a while and it became very obvious that she was flirting and making innuendoes, she wanted me to make a move but I dared not, what if I was wrong? She would probably tell her husband and Julia and I would be right up the creek. Then she made the move, I was right,

447 she leant forward, looked me right in the eyes and asked me to sit on the sofa with her. Libby is a very attractive woman and ten years my junior, with a very pretty face, nice eyes and a beautiful body, what am I supposed to do? I didnt want this to happen; well yes I did but not this particular time and place. I couldnt believe it. I have just had a riotous weekend and now my neighbour is all over me. Well she said, she was getting stroppy, I think it might have been the thought of rejection flashing through her mind or the embarrassment of saying it, after all she had put us both on the spot, she started to flush up. I moved over to the sofa and she sat back again seemingly relaxed or relatively so. I jumped up and pulled the curtains, there was no point in advertising the fact that I was about to

bang my neighbours wife. We kissed a couple of times before I put my hand up her skirt and onto her thigh, she had tights on but I love the feeling of that material so I didnt mind, I could feel the heat coming from between her thighs by now she was almost laid on the sofa, she had a lovely body, very firm, large breasts, she was quite big boned but not an ounce of fat, we kissed more and then I managed to get my hand inside her tights by now she was very wet, she stopped me and stood up, pulling her tights off at the same time whilst leaving her skirt around her pelvis then she laid back down on the sofa properly with her legs spread wide. Normally I think I would have been very lusty and thrusting into her but I was knackered I was happy to move slow and gentle, she was thrusting her

449 groin at me, slow was not on her agenda, so I thought to myself right wham bang thankyou mam sheer lust so I went into her like a train into a tunnel. She whimpered and sighed and groaned a bit, but then it was over, it was a really quick, horny shag. As I rolled to one side she pushed me off the sofa and said, Come on up-stairs. She wanted more, me! I just wanted to lie down and go to sleep, nothing more. I had to go up with her because I didnt want her to think I didnt like her or that I was a crap shag so I lifted myself off the carpet and made my way up-stairs. She was undressed when I got into the bedroom, she did have a gorgeous pair of tits, Libby sat on me and we made love this time, we were just kissing when we heard a car coming up the road, she jumped up and looked out from

behind the curtain. its O.K. she said, It wont be him its too early, that was enough for me I got up out of bed and told her it was too risky, I mean what if the restaurant was quiet and he decided to come home early? I bundled her out of the door and slumped back in my chair. Suddenly the door flew open and Libby flew in the room, forgot my tights, she said, grabbing them from down the side of the sofa and then she ran out of the house again. Bye she shouted and scarpered across the lawn out of sight. Bloody hell! Can you imagine Julia coming home and finding Libbys tights for crying out loud! Libby came around the next night but I made sure she was out and home well before her husband was due home. During that summer we had barbecues and water fights as neighbours and

451 once or twice she got very flirty but that night was the last time we slept together and I am glad, she was nice but she was also young, dangerous and married. All in all that weekend was one hell of a weekend and I am sure if I had many more like it I wouldnt have reached thirty five never mind forty. Julia came back the following weekend and things were back to normal, me still drinking too much and burying my head in the sand and everyone at the Coach having a good time as normal. I was talking with Eric one day and the subject of pop concerts came up, dont ask me why but it did and the general consensus was that there was a lot of money to be made by holding a concert and booking your own gigs. This played on my mind for

a while and I started thinking about it quite seriously. One day not too long after this initial conversation Eric was in the Coach with one of his mates from York, a bloke called Mick his surname you dont want to know and I dont want to tell you. Mick was a big, broad bloke and a hardened criminal, there was something about him that said in great big letters, Do not Disturb, fortunately I got on alright with him but I knew if I ever crossed him he wouldnt think twice. During the lunchtime session we got onto the subject of pop concerts again and Mick came up with a venue, a place in Harewood where they held the hill climb, I had been to the hill climb on numerous occasions so I knew exactly where he meant, it would be the perfect place for an open air concert, now all I needed were

453 some bands to top the bill and bring the crowds in. I mentioned it to a lad I knew who was into the local music scene and he said that he knew one of the Utah Saints band who were becoming very popular at the time and had a number in the charts. We arranged to meet this guy at the Blues Bar in Harrogate and discuss the possibility of them appearing and the terms. The guy was pretty insignificant looking and seemed to just go along with everything we suggested I expected some sort of dynamic kid with real get up and go, he was nothing, not even a firm hand shake. I also spoke to the brother of an old friend of mine Rob Donnelly, he assured me he could put together a good line up that would support Utah Saints. The wheels were now in motion, I went to Harewood and booked the

venue with the landowner, I got a temporary alcohol licence and picked the date, it would be the May Bank Holiday. The tickets and posters were printed and then the bad news arrived, this wet lettuce from Utah Saints had decided that he might be breaking his contractual agreements and pulled out. I didnt have time to panic; I just got hold of Rob and told him to find a replacement headline band. Rob came back to me with the suggestion of a Rolling Stones copy band. After his assurance that these would be a crowd puller I agreed and set too again. This time everything seemed to be falling into place, I had people delivering tickets to the universities around Leeds, Bradford and York, also to all the bars in and around Harrogate. This was it, if I could get two or three thousand people there I would be quids in,

455 I stood to make anything between twenty and thirty grand. Everything seemed to be going well the bands were booked, security sorted out; the scaffolders were building the stage and the sound engineers were booked along with a massive generator. During all this I had Eric and Mick doing their bit and by the Friday of the Bank Holiday weekend we were ready. The big day arrived, and it was beautiful the sun was shining, clear blue skies, everything seemed to be on my side. Eric, Mick and I were there early making sure that everyone who should be there was, all we needed now was people by the bucket full. This entire venture had cost me a fortune but I knew if the crowds arrived I stood to make a real good lump of money, if it all went wrong then that

was it I was completely knackered. Well as the morning went by people started to arrive but not in the numbers I was expecting at all it was starting to look like a disaster, by lunchtime all the bands had done their sound checks and we were ready for the opening band. Food and beer was selling well and the crowd started to look bigger, I had no idea how many people were there, I needed to count the tickets that had been sold, but I knew in my heart that there was nowhere near enough yet to cover the costs. Mick and Eric were in the V.I.P. bar which was a purpose built bar in one of the modernised barns, Mick by this time was plastered, he liked his vodka and I would imagine he was on his second bottle by now, Eric on the other hand was speaking to some of the crew to go into Leeds and stir up

457 people and get them to the concert. I was starting to get worried and decided to get myself a well earned drink. The bands were very good and the crowd that were there were having a really good day out. I sat and analysed where I could have gone wrong, were people waiting until late afternoon to show up? I had no idea! I was secretly preying to myself and just hoping it would get better. As the day went on a few more stragglers appeared but not in the numbers I wanted and at the end of the day it had been a complete disaster for me, how was I going to go home and tell my wife we were down the tube. Panic started to set in and by the time the headline band was well into their set I was pissed and trying to block it all out. I paid everyone out and decided to leave with a few

close friends, Gordon Mcaffie, Eric, Mick McCaul and a few others we went straight to a pub and drank until the early hours. The next day I woke and went straight to the pub, it seemed like the best idea at the time. John and all the lads were in good spirit in the Coach, everyone seemed to be topping up from the day before including me, What the fuck was I going to do? I kept a smile on my face and laughed my worries away with the crowd, nobody knew what was in my mind or my situation. The went as most did and by the time I fell out of the pub it was late and I was a lot worse for wear again, Julia was in bed when I got home so I went upstairs to kiss her and the kids goodnight. Then I went into the kitchen and poured myself a large scotch and pondered what I was

459 going to do. I decided to phone Phil and Jane in Canada, Phil was really supportive and suggested that I got on a plane with Julia and the kids, he said that I sounded really stressed and would probably be able to sort my head out from afar. He really helped me and I felt better in myself, I turned the TV on and found some flights to Vancouver for the next day but one. In the morning I briefly explained the situation to Julia and told her to pack. I went to the pub and drowned my sorrows again. We were up the next morning all packed and ready to go but I needed some money and the only place I could get some was the Gold Reserve account, we got to the bank and it was bloody closed for training purposes, I couldnt believe it they wouldnt open until ten oclock, that would only leave me five

hours to get from Harrogate to Gatwick and check in for the flight, I was now worried and frantic, I had a real sweat on what with the alcohol in my system and my nerves shredded. I got the money and we set off for Gatwick, we arrived by the skin of our teeth after finding a parking space and then having to find our terminal it was a nightmare. Once through the check-in we could relax if thats what you would call it. James and Georgina were brilliant, they just wanted to see Phil and Janes daughters and have a holiday, and they were completely oblivious to what was going on around them. We arrived in Terrace, Phil and I had plenty of time sitting by the river chatting whilst we did some salmon fishing, Phil is a very educated and logical person with a calming presence, he was

461 great to talk to, I really spilled out everything, all my problems, everything. My idea was to get a sponsor in B.C. and never go back to England, Phil on the other hand is a realist however he did say that we could stick around for as long as we wanted and give it a try. A week had past and I had sobered up it was time to get serious and start talking to people. For a couple of weeks I spoke to everyone I could in Terrace who were in some sort of business related to advertising and graphics, the local paper and printers were my main target, they were all very impressed with my portfolio but nobody could come forward with a concrete offer. I was starting to feel very despondent until Phil suggested that I might try fishing in a bigger pond, his idea was for me to go to Vancouver where there had to be more

opportunity and many more companies who were more up to date than sleepy old Terrace. To say that Terrace is the second biggest city in British Columbia it really is a one horse town it was so far behind what I was used to in the U.K. I booked my flight to Vancouver and set off on a mission to try and save my livelihood, the pressure seemed enormous but I was coping considering the mental state I was in at the time. I was still very optimistic and as soon as I had checked in my hotel I started out to find a newspaper and Yellow Pages, I spent hours on the phone speaking to companies and responding to advertisements. Before the first day was over I had two interviews and reported back to Julia and the kids that night, things looked like they might work

463 out after all, I was altogether happier and even more optimistic, after all things could only get better. Or could they? I was up, showered and suited very early the next morning and in a Taxi to my first appointment. This company I was seeing seemed to be quite progressive from their advertisement, I was in top form and raring to go, I met the Managing Director who was a really nice bloke and more importantly was very impressed with my portfolio, the problem was that he was not in a position to sponsor me, it would mean a twelve month commitment from him and a guaranteed salary for the duration. I tried my hardest to convince him that with my experience I would be a very good investment, his point on the other hand was the fact that I had no contacts in Vancouver

and no track record in British Columbia, the outcome was I suppose inevitable, he wanted me to find someone else to take me on and then in twelve months time contact him again once I had a client base. I was really pissed off, I had been so hopeful. We parted company and I decided to walk back into downtown Vancouver, over the bridge and into Richards, this was a notorious district for vice, probably a bit like Londons Soho area. As I walked along I came to a bar, so I decided that a beer and a sarni might be in order. It was very dark and dingy, like most bars in America or Canada. The entrance and bar was very long, it was like a tunnel, I sat at the bar and ordered a beer, a pitcher this was the equivalent to an English pint in a pitted glass with a handle like the ones we used to get in

465 the good old days. I was reading the local rag when I was aware of a silhouette figure entering the bar, not a normal step though, it minced, as the bloke came into the light of the bar, I could see him in detail he looked like that bloke that sang My One man band, Leo Sayer, thats him but this bloke had a black and white poker dot tee-shirt and black lycra cycle shorts, he was a raving puff, he came right up to me and sat next to me, slapped me on the shoulder and said, hello darling , well that was it I necked my pitcher, folded the paper and left in quite a hurry. What a shock that was, I told Julia later on the phone and she laughed her head off, she said that he might have been a really nice bloke and that I should have stuck around and chatted with him, I thought NOT. My next meeting

was to be in a hotel, when I arrived there was about thirty or so people there, I already had bad vibes and then my suspicions were confirmed, a bloke came out and did a two minute introduction outlining the benefits of pyramid selling, but they didnt call it that in fact they were horrified when I referred to it as that, they preferred vertical marketing anyway I was out of there. That night my mood had changed somewhat so after speaking to Julia and the kids I went into town for a few beers, I needed them by that stage. Julia and I had decided to go back to the UK and see what was happening there. We arrived in Londons Gatwick airport at about lunchtime and the BMW was still there in the car park, the battery was as flat as a fart but what can

467 you expect after all that time. Harrogate was a nightmare and what the postman brought every day was just bad news bill after bill, I had to do something to get us out of this mess, what! I didnt have a clue. Julia and I took the kids up to Paul and Sandras house for the day, they had a guest, a bloke called Steve who I had done business with in the past, he used to have a kitchen design company but he gambled all the profits away. Steve was now living in Tenerife and sounded like he was really enjoying life, this sounded very interesting to me and when I told him that the future was looking far from rosy for me he suggested I went out there for a couple of weeks, stay with him and his girlfriend in Adeje and see what I thought. I was as keen as mustard to this suggestion and spoke with

Julia about it in detail when we got home. We decided that I should go so I arranged to meet Steve in Tenerife the following week.

469

A Spanish Affair
As always I was optimistic and eyes wide open, it was the first time for me in Tenerife and although Las Americas is a real dump in my opinion, it was altogether paradise compared with dismal England. Steve was working for a time-share company owned by John Palmer. I was vaguely familiar with the name but had no idea what was really going off on the island, I was soon to hear all sorts of rumours, some probably true and some probably not, I chose not to worry about it, after all it didnt really effect me. Steve came up with the bright idea of taking me to where he worked and asking his boss if I could have a job, so after a couple of days being shown around the island we went to Parque Del Sol, a time-share resort near Torviscas Playa.

Within half an hour I had a job or so called job working for John Palmer, commission only on sales of time-share apartments. I went to work every day and soon got the idea of how it all works. Before I tell you my experience of Tenerife I must say that I honestly believe that time-share or holiday ownership is a fantastic concept and if you understand it and more importantly buy from a reputable company I am sure it has major benefits to people who really enjoy holidaying at a standard that most would be more than happy to accept. Parque Del Sol was at that time a beautiful resort, what it is like today I have no idea but it seemed like sheer luxury then. The idea was that holiday makers were invited to the resort by OPCS, these were mainly kids riding around on scooters and

471 leaping off when they found a potential couple to take to the resort. The whole idea was that the OPC gave the holidaymakers a scratch card each, one was a major prize winner, this could be a thousand pounds cash or a gold watch, there was never a thousand pounds and in fact there was never a gold watch, the watch that was given away was a cheap effort made somewhere in the far East and the other card was a free bottle of Spirit of their choice. The cards were identifiable by a small seagull printed in the top left hand corner, totally invisible to the untrained eye but every OPC made sure that they were stacked in order so that every couple got one of each. The trick then was to get the couple to go straight to the resort to collect their star prize and endure a minimum of an hour and a

half listening to a Liner telling them about the benefits of time-share. Liner was the slang term for sales person. It was amazing what went on, people would kick off and cause a right stir and then you would get others who would walk around and do exactly what they were told by the Liner. It was altogether bizarre. Most of the liners were dregs of the earth, people who were running away from England because they owed the CSA a fortune, people running from the Police, people running away from Bankruptcy, I can honestly say not one of the people I met were worthy of speaking to back in a normal world, but this world was far from normal it was totally and utterly like being on another planet, no law, no nothing, it was a great leveller, there were people there I wouldnt have

473 pissed in their ear if their head was on fire and they were doing well, making fortunes out of time-share. I was convinced that if these scumbags could survive here, I could. I worked for most of the two weeks I had planned to stay and then something happened that changed my life as I had known it, I sold a timeshare the day before I was due to fly back to Julia and the kids. I got one hundred thousand pesetas, the equivalent to five hundred quid for three hours work. Now I was convinced that shipping Julia and the kids to Tenerife would be the right move and I could have something to look forward to and join the rest of the debtors and con merchants, the problem was that I wasnt one of them, I just didnt realize it at the time. I flew back to England and assured Julia we would have a great

life out there, I spent the week with the kids, said goodbye to them and flew back to Tenerife on the Saturday. It was as quick as that, Julias job now was to sell everything and come out to Tenerife as soon as she could with the kids. I spent a few weeks working at Parque Del Sol but it wasnt me I didnt enjoy any part of it apart from when we finished which was usually around three oclock, this was when everyone met at the pool bar and we had a good drink. After the pool bar we would borrow Andreass boat and go out fishing, which was great fun. Steve captained the boat and we did the fishing, we caught some incredible fish, most of which we kept to take to Pollys restaurant, The Busy Beach. This was situated at the end of the promenade not far away from what is now

475 Torviscas Playa. Polly was a great bloke, I dont know what he did to attract the timeshare crowd but it must have cost him a fortune, everyone but everyone had a tab there and seldom settled it. There was quite a crowd of us there and if we were ever at a loose end Pollys was the place to catch up with everyone. After we had eaten a good meal we would go up to Savinis bar, this place was very close to the villa and had live shows on every night. There were two other blokes staying at the villa, Simon who was a young bloke from down south and Tony Hostler, Tony was about fifty years old and had spent many years in the time-share industry on the mainland of Spain. Tony worked at Parque too so most nights when we left work and went straight out for a drink, Tony would tag along

with me and we would end up in Savinis together, the thing was, he was like all the rest of them, he never had any money and I suppose I was an easy tap for a loan. Savinis was a great bar, maybe too close because we always ended up in there even if we were full up we would still call in for a nightcap. The money I had was for when Julia arrived but I thought Tony was OK so I lent him money on a regular basis, Tony became a good mate and we spent a lot of time together. Simon on the other hand was a lazy pain in the arse, he worked evenings at the Busy Beach as a PR this involved standing on the promenade with a menu in his hand touting for business and coaxing people into the restaurant to eat. For this he got the princely sum of one thousand pesetas, which was exactly

477 what his rent was per night! If Polly had an exceptional night he would give Simon an extra thousand so that paid for the night the restaurant was closed. Simon slept all day and did nothing around the villa so I decided that if Tony and I were paying the lions share of the rent he could be the housemaid. I asked him to clean the terrace one morning before we went off to work, when we got back he was still in bed fast asleep so I went out onto the terrace and swept up all the cockroaches dead and alive. I went into Simons stinking room and tipped the lot on his naked body and pulled the sheet back over him. It took about twenty minutes before there was an almighty scream; he came running downstairs crying like a baby. Tony and I were in fits; I thought he was going to wet himself.

We walked off down the hill howling laughing; it was a good start to yet another good night. On another occasion Tony and I were in the villa watching the Ghost video, it was very warm and sticky and Tony got up from the settee and opened the window shutters, just as he opened them a cockroach flew in, hit Tonys throat and dropped down his shirt, what a laugh he was leaping about slapping himself like he was on fire, I was in hysterics, howling like a hyena and waterfalls streaming from my eyes, it has got to be one of the funniest things I have seen in my life, eventually the cockroach hit the floor and Tony jumped up and down on it like a man possessed, This was the start of some real laughs we had together. I was really missing Julia and the kids, when I

479 stopped to think about it I hurt real bad, tears used to stream from my eyes and I was inconsolable after speaking to her on the phone, so the best thing was to keep busy and go out every night with Tony and drown my sorrows, it was easy to forget when we were out having a laugh. Tony and I met this blonde girl one night in Savinis she was the prettiest thing I had seen for a long time, we had a real laugh with her, it turned out that she had come out to Tenerife alone, well that was all I needed to know, ten wild horses wouldnt have stopped me that night. She insisted that she was having a good time on her own and was very wary about Tony and I, at first she suggested that we were only talking to her because she was alone, well she was right we were. I walked her back to her hotel and we had a

drink in the hotel bar, she insisted that she wouldnt have anything to do with a married man but I kept on telling her that you only live once, eventually I talked my way into her room and stayed the night. I cant remember her name now but she was very nice, I was so desperate for affection, just to be held by someone it seemed so long since I had felt wanted. I saw her for the rest of her stay, she only had a couple of days left so I never bothered going into work, I just stayed with her around the hotel pool and in the evenings we met up with Tony. By the time she was leaving the island I was topped up on the affection front and we had had very good sex, very passionate and steamy, only because I was so in need, it was just nice to be wanted and held. Tony was feeling a bit left out, but needs must

481 and I needed. Not long after that Tony suggested we went into Las Americas, to the petrol station for a coffee, I couldnt believe my ears, I thought he had gone mad, Tony drank coffee before noon and after that nothing but alcohol, anyway I agreed so I took the hire car with me. As soon as we arrived at the station, I sussed why we were there. The petrol station was where the prostitutes gathered. Tony was in desperate need of shag. We both ordered coffee and brandy; I never had coffee without a brandy especially in the evening. The night was starting to draw in so after a few large brandys Tony suggested that we take a walk past the station to where the girls were, I could tell he was itching to find out what went on, I suppose he felt a bit more confident under cover of the night. The girls were

lined up pretty much as you see them in the films anywhere in the world, standing in twos or threes smoking, chatting with short skirts, tight T shirt tops, short fur jackets, high heels and lots of make up just like you see in the movies. As we walked towards them they started to open up and become louder, shouting to us in Spanglish as we approached them. Spanglish was what we called the Spanish trying to speak their best English, as we got closer a voice in pure English said, Good evening gents, it was an English girl stood on her own under the shadow of a tree to the right of all the rest of the girls. Tony immediately turned to her and walked closer, much to the sheer disgust of the Spanish girls; it was obvious there was no love lost between these girls and the English girl on their

483 patch. I naturally followed Tony after all it was him who needed a whore for the night. As I got close she was arranging a price with Tony and then she said, Both of you for ten thousand pesetas, Tony turned to me waiting for my approval, basically because he didnt have a penny to scratch his arse with. I nodded and turned back towards the car park. As she walked towards the car the light, although dim from the caf window shone on her face she was quite attractive, I was really surprised looking back to find an English women touting her wears on an island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, it seemed crazy but there was nowhere crazier than Tenerife. We got into the car and I drove back to the Villa. It was another very sticky, hot night, the villa was clammy, I pulled off my shirt

as soon as walked into the lounge and opened the shutters there was the slightest of breezes, Tony headed straight for the whisky bottle and poured three large ones. We sat for a while chatting, it turned out that she had been over in Tenerife for quite a while and was involved with a Spaniard, it was him, so she said that made her go out on the streets and make money, reading between the lines I reckoned that it probably was but there was drugs involved somewhere, there had to be we were in Tenerife. She was probably working to pay for two habits and not one. The girl seemed nice enough and she did have a very good body, which was all that Tony was interested in. There was a brief lapse in the conversation, Tony was pouring out some more scotch when she stood up and asked who

485 was first? At that moment I had forgotten that I was included in the deal but as soon as she asked I jumped up grabbed my scotch out of Tonys hand and made for the stairs. If I was paying I was not going to have sloppy-seconds. I really didnt know how much I was missing Julia, it was her that I made love to, it wasnt just a shag, I was making love, my feelings were so deep, it had been the same with the blonde girl, it really was a case of just using their bodies and feminine smells to replace what I was really missing. What was surprising was that this girl knew it as well, she actually said to me afterwards, dont worry she will be here soon, that stuck with me for a long time she knew exactly what I was pining for, at first I thought I must have said Julias name but I am sure

I hadnt. I slipped my pants back on, threw my trousers on the chair and went back downstairs in my boxers, it was boiling and the sweat was pouring down my chest. Tony was up those bonny dancers quicker than you could fart. I sat and sighed a deep sigh, and then got another scotch and walked out onto the balcony, it was much cooler there. It was almost as soon as I had sat down the girl appeared at the bottom of the stairs, Hes not putting that bloody thing inside me! She said, half laughing and half panting as though she had run down the stairs. I burst out laughing and said, Whats wrong? she went on to tell me in graphic detail that she had never seen anything quite as large and horrifying as Tonys dick. Tony appeared with a flushed face, what a laugh and he

487 still hadnt had a shag. We dropped the girl off back at the station and carried on the night at Savinis as usual. I took the piss out of Tony for quite a while; he was quietly enjoying it really because all the women in Parque now knew he was built like a horse. Life went on and it was getting closer and closer to the day that Julia and the kids would be with me, I really couldnt wait, Tony was my crutch, he propped me up, we continued to get plastered every night whilst laughing ourselves stupid, it was just what I needed to keep me sane. The day of Julias arrival finally came, they were landing in Tenerife at nine oclock in the evening, so it was a very long day, Steve and all the gang were revved up for their arrival, I was like a cat on hot bricks all day. I was up and out bright and early that

morning, I had decided not to go to work and I needed to pick up the hire car, I had arranged for an estate as I knew that Julia would be bringing the kitchen sink. Tony stayed away from work too, so we picked the car up and went for a full monty breakfast up near Island Village near the Octopus Park, they did a great all-day breakfast for the equivalent of less than two quid, by the time we had ordered a few beers the bill was considerably more, although I was very careful not to drink too much as I had the most precious things in the world to drive back down the auto-pista to their new home. By the time it got to early evening I was beside myself, we had arranged to meet Steve and the rest of them at the Busy Beach, Tony and I had a snack and waited for them to arrive, by the time eight oclock arrived I

489 was sick of waiting for them so Tony and I set off for the airport. I needed a beer by the time we arrived at the airport, I was so excited, the flight was on time so it was just a case of waiting, it seemed like forever, Tony was as excited as I was, I must have smoked a full packet of cigs before they announced that the plane had landed, we walked slowly down to arrivals, I was feeling sick with anxiety, it was electric and then I saw them appear through passport control, James and Georgina ran straight past baggage reclamation, and I ran past the NO Entry sign and into the restricted zone where they both leapt into my arms, I was bent down on one knee holding them both so tight, tears were streaming down my face, I was so pleased to hold them in my arms, their eyes were bright and wide

open it was a sight that I will always remember. It seemed like two seconds before Julia had got their bags and was coming through to where we were, I gave her a great big hug and went through, Tony had seen all this from the barrier and bless him he was in tears too, it really was an emotional occasion. We made our way to the car where I started putting the huge cases Julia had brought into the boot. I looked round for Tony because he had the last case, he was sat on the wall, I asked him if he was OK and he said that his mouth was dry and he didnt feel well, he said he wanted water so I went to the bar and got him a glass, he didnt look good at all but I wanted to get the kids back as soon as possible so I bundled them all into the car and set off. We had got about half way down the

491 motorway, we were all chatting away about everything when Tony said that his arms were num and that his legs were tingling, I knew that there was something seriously wrong by the look of him, I told Tony to relax and that he was having another one of his panic attacks, I said we would call at the hospital on the way into Adeje. Tony started to argue saying that he had no insurance, I just told him to forget insurance we would get him sorted out and that he was fine, just over reacting as usual, I knew in my heart that it wasnt good, I gently increased the speed so as not to panic anyone but I was starting to sweat. The kids bless them, were trying to calm Tony down and talking to him, which was really good of them. As we approached the run off the motorway, I asked Tony how he was, he

didnt reply very clearly, he was mumbling, I swung the car left over the bridge and straight into the emergency entrance of the hospital, Tony couldnt move his legs at all now so I ran in through the double doors and screamed at two ambulance men, they followed me out, I opened the car door and tried to lift Tony out of the car, he was so bloody heavy, as I got him half stood up another bloke arrived with a trolley/stretcher thing and put Tony on it, they wheeled him off straight away. The kids and Julia were by now looking pretty frightened so I thought the best thing to do was get them to the villa. Tony was in safe hands now; I was exhausted and wanted my wife and children in my hands. We got into the villa and there was nobody about, no welcome party, nothing which was OK by

493 me, I gave Julia and the kids a drink and poured myself a very large scotch, God I hope hes alright, I thought to myself, I really didnt want to harp on about Tony to my family who had never set eyes on him before. Within minutes the kids had forgotten about the past half-hours trauma and were scurrying about finding out where their room was. Simon had done a bunk after I had given him a slap about a week earlier so the kids were going to share his old room, it had two single beds in and plenty of room for toys plus our room was just outside their door they seemed happy enough. Steve and the others arrived soon after we had started to settle down and discuss what the kids were having for supper, they had been to the airport, missed the arrival of the plane and us with

it, apparently not knowing what time the plane was due in. I told them about Tony, they all thought that I was kidding until they looked at all our expressions and only then did they really begin to believe me. Someone suggested going to the hospital to find out how he was but we all decided against it because we might not find out for hours, I had already decided that I would call there in the morning on the way to the beach, which is where James and Georgina wanted to be. There was little point venturing out again especially now I had my family with me and they were very tired after the journey. It wasnt long before everyone went and left us to settle down, Julia and I stayed up for a while talking until the children were fast asleep and then we went to bed, it was so nice to have my wife

495 again.

The next morning the kids were up bright and early, they were ferreting about now they had the advantage of daylight trying to find out what was what and what was where. I showed them the sun deck right at the top of the house where the laundry room was and then we came back down to bedroom level where a door led to a much elevated back garden. There was a cave in the garden in the rock face and this is where the kids found the lizards, they tried to catch one for ages, which was fine because it gave us time to get the beach bag ready and have a cuppa before we set off. As we walked over the bridge towards the Hospital Julia asked me if I wanted to ask how Tony was, I had

almost forgotten what with the kids and all, so as we were passing we went in. The reception area was incredibly small and the desk even smaller, I asked for Tony at the reception, the receptionist just pointed to some chairs so I assumed we were to wait. I told the kids we wouldnt be long because I knew they were itching to get down to the beach. We hadnt been sat down for more than two seconds, in fact I bet Julias bum didnt even touch the seat before a young doctor came round the corner, I stood up and took a couple of paces towards him, there was something wrong, terribly wrong, I could tell by his face, I asked straight away if Tony was alright and he just opened his arms in a sort of it wasnt my fault, I dont know type of expression and then said in spanglish, Your

497 friend, he is dead, then he made gestures to the stomach and head, I couldnt believe it I screamed, NO, this cant be! Julia quickly put her arms around me from behind and guided me back to the chair, I was distraught and crying inconsolably, the kids were ever so sweet they were both hugging me. My mind was racing, how could this be? Tony was fine, Julia went back to the Doctor and spoke to him again, she asked who should be notified and I told her Parque Del Sol. We left almost straight away then and walked a couple of dozen yards past Savinis to Eddies Bar. I got a large brandy and told Eddie and his wife, the kids looked so concerned, it was awful, I needed to get them to the beach and forget about the past ten minutes, for the kids sake, What a bloody welcome to Tenerife. By the time

we had arrived at the beach I had come round a bit, everything had been cloudy and unclear, but now I had a job to do and that was to look after my family. I kept telling myself that it could have been worse, imagine if the kids had really got to know Tony and then hed died. It is amazing how resilient children are; they seemed to soon forget about the whole incident, Im sure it took me a hell of a lot longer. I couldnt watch the film Ghost again for years without bursting into tears, it just reminded me of that night having such a laugh with him. Tonys family apparently didnt want to know about having his body shipped back to England so his funeral was arranged by Parque Del Sol. It was to be a paupers grave. They put the body in what is essentially a load of orange boxes nailed together

499 to make a coffin, said a few words and then slid the box into a wall within the confines of the crematorium grounds with the help of a fork lift truck and then the workmen come along and concrete it in. It is like a tower block for coffins, its horrible to think that he is stuck in that wall. I couldnt go to the funeral; I just couldnt hack it, although a few from the Parque resort went and said their sad farewells.

On The Move Again Julia didnt like the villa and also we couldnt afford to live there, now that there was no Tony or Simon to share the rent and Steve was living with his German girlfriend Bridget we needed to find somewhere nice for the kids and very cheap. Julia had made friends with a couple of Jehovahs

witnesses who owned a mini supermarket next to Eddies Bar, one day on the way to the beach Julia popped in for something and came out with a big smile on her face, there was an apartment going on the Amarillo Golf complex near the Airport, with a communal pool, cheap and she had got the phone number. We went straight to the public telephone and I phoned the agent. I explained our predicament and told the women on the other end of the phone that we wanted the apartment, I was stressing to her that I didnt need to see it but she insisted that we meet her there, I think she wanted to weigh us up. Now I know what I know about Tenerife, Im not surprised; ninety nine percent of people are real hooks as I said earlier. We jumped in the car and raced up the motorway to the

501 Amarilla Golf and Country Club. As we approached the turn off where the sign was I saw a dusty track that disappeared in the distance it seemed miles and then we came up to a manned barrier and gatehouse. As I slowed down I saw this figure appear from inside the hut, he was tall, very dark, almost Moroccan looking, wearing a black combat uniform with jack boots, a beret and carrying a gun. Christ almighty, I thought and wound my window down, I explained that we were viewing an apartment so he raised the barrier and waved us through. The first thing that Julia said to me was, Well, the kids will be safe enough, then? I nearly wet myself laughing but she was right, we would have no worries about their safety if we moved here. We drove for about another five hundred

yards and then saw the round a bout where the main entrance and clubhouse was located, it looked the mutts nuts. When we eventually arrived at the right apartment we couldnt believe our eyes, the communal pool was right outside number 24A Augusta Park, the kids were ecstatic, their bright blue eyes were wide open, we had already had their seal of approval without even seeing inside the apartment. The apartment was as nice as the surroundings it was set in. Julia and I just looked at each other and smiled, this was more than we had ever hoped for. We signed on the dotted line there and then, paid the deposit and one month rent in advance then got the keys in my sweaty palm, it was ours. Although we were strictly a week before the start of the month we were told we could move

503 in straight away, so we did. That night we went down to Pollys restaurant for a celebration meal and made our plans for the next day. We reckoned it would take us two trips, so I thought it would be best to make the first trip and then leave Julia and the kids there and do the second trip on my own, great we were sorted, God was smiling down on me that day. The next day everything went according to plan and we were all moved in by lunchtime. We were all so excited, that afternoon we went down to the centre of the Golf and Country Club to explore our new terrain. The place was magnificent, the hub of Amarilla was a little centre with a supermarket, a couple of pubs and a night club, across the road was the Villager which was a pub come restaurant, come nineteenth hole, frequented

by fairly middle to upper class people with a bit of brass who owned property on the complex. The main thing for us was that it was safe, very tasteful and well away from Las Americas. That evening we had a visit from our new neighbours, the Jehovahs witnesses who had put us on to the apartment, they were very nice people and it turned out that there was loads of them living on Amarilla. Julia and I had decided to have a week with the kids and find out about the International School across the barranca, a barranca is Spanish for ravine, on the next complex called Golf Del Sur. I made an appointment with the Headmistress/Principal and along we went. We were very well received and made to feel most welcome. The school was really nice and the teachers seemed good too, most of

505 them were English and the main language taught at the school was English with Spanish being the second, although it was taught every day. James and Georgina didnt much like the idea of going to a new school but once it was explained that school that school was a necessary evil that all children even on Tenerife had to endure, they accepted it. James and Georgina lived in the pool that week and made lots of friends, although we were only surrounded by a few permanent residents, they seemed to find each other. One day I was sitting on the balcony watching them play and a thin gangly boy came up, he had white hair and a posture just like Mougli out of Jungle Book, he even walked like him. It turned out that he was German and couldnt speak a word of English. That didnt stop the kids

playing with him for hours; I moved through the double doors into the apartment and sat myself in the lounge with a beer when the front door opened, as I looked up all I could see was a silhouette of a giant of a man. He walked in and helped himself to a beer, I was speechless. He said in the deepest broken English, Hi, I am Rons Dad, Hardy, I got up and shook his hand, that day was the beginning of quite a friendship. Hardy lived about eight doors down and was married to a girl called Katrina, they were a lovely couple and we had many evenings bar-b-cueing at both houses. James became very good friends with Ron and they enjoyed many days together, they even invented a language of their own. Hardy and I used to sit at the pool bar listening to them talking and we had no idea what

507 they were saying it was a cross between English, German and Spanish, we could pick out the odd word in one of the languages, oh we had such a laugh. One day Hardy came round and it was obvious that he was very upset, Katrina had taken Ron and left, she had been having an affair with a German who she worked with, a bloke that was supposed to be Hardys mate. He was inconsolable that evening, we went down to the villager and had a lot to drink. It was the first time I had seen Hardy pissed. He really missed Ron and so did James, hed lost his little mate too.

I really hated working in the timeshare industry it was dangerous and dishonest, not to mention the people I was working for. Everywhere you went

people had guns and there were bodyguards all over Island Village. I really wanted to do more signwriting and Hardy was encouraging me, more and more work was coming in and I even started to get work from the clubhouse. The first job was to sign-write the pool bar right outside my front door. What could be better? The kids were happy at school and Julia had got a job down at the local super-market, which was enough money to pay the rent. I started to get work from the Villager, Steves bar, DLA who were a property developer, it was all falling into place and we seemed to be getting on our feet. I was spending quite a lot of time with Hardy and too much time late at night in the Villager, drinking until we were legless, we were like holiday makers. One day Arturo from the clubhouse

509 asked me for some big banners as Thompson Holidays were flying people into the resort, they had done some deal this was the first time Amarilla Golf had opened its gates to the public, but it was great news for the resort and the businesses. The residents werent too happy but all in all in meant a much busier complex and lots more money. It also meant that there would be a lot more females out to party. This was my downfall, I just couldnt resist going out late at night when Julia and the kids were tucked up in bed. I knew where Hardy would be and I also knew where all the women would be. Las Americas was much too far for the people coming into the complex to go for a night out, so they were there like lambs to the slaughter. There were several nights that I didnt make it home and a lot

more when I was walking through the door at four or five oclock in the morning. Julia was not happy and I must admit I couldnt blame her, she must have known I was up to no good. God bless her she didnt kick up a fuss she just got on with everyday life, all in all we were very happy there the kids absolutely loved it and I was very lucky to have real quality time with the kids on a daily basis. Christmas was closing in and Julia wanted to go back to England to see her Mum, she was delighted when the travel shop advertised flights to England for twenty quid per person return. I was happy about it too because Paul and Sandra were coming over with a lad called Fig and another bloke I didnt know, I had agreed to let them stay with me for the two weeks whilst Paul was staying in Las Americas

511 with Steve. The day before Christmas Eve I dropped Julia and the kids off at the airport and picked Fig and his mate Graham up at the same time so that worked great, we went straight to pick up some money from one of my customers for some caricatures I had done of his staff as part of their Christmas box and then straight to the Villager pub for an extended lunch. We ended up getting as pissed as rats with a Canarian bloke called Miguel, he was a bodyguard at Island Village, I had seen Miguel around on numerous occasions, he seemed OK but there was something about him that you knew in your minds eye, that this bloke would slit your throat for a penny. He had the number 13 tattooed on his wedding finger, which suggested he was married to the Foreign

Legion, I dont know whether thats true or not but he could have been married to the devil by the look of him. He was tall, broad, and very dark with a shaven head, self-done tattoos all over his arms and scars in his upper torso where bullets had entered his body and left through his back. I was to see a lot more of Miguel in the coming months. We left the Villager very late in the afternoon and went back to the apartment to sleep off the humungous amount of alcohol we had consumed throughout the day, I was the first to wake it was close to nine oclock and dark. Fig was fast asleep on the other sofa and Graham was asleep in the kids room. After a shower I felt nearly human again, I poured two very large scotchs and gave Fig a nudge, his eyes opened to the sight and smell of straight whisky

513 right under his nose, he groaned as he sat up and took the whisky, wallop straight down his neck, he jumped to his feet and shivered. I was laughing at him because he had this jet black cork-screw curly hair, thick as mud and stuck up all over the place he looked like that hair-bear I remembered off TV when I was a kid. As we all made ready to go back down into the centre of the Amarilla, Graham appeared looking just as bad. We all made the effort to look reasonable; after all they were on their holidays and we just had to go out for more beer. Hardy and the rest of the gang were down there, and it wasnt long before we were well on our way to being pissed again. I noticed two women in the Villager who seemed to be really enjoying themselves and out for a good time, but we were off

over the road to Steves club because there was entertainment on all night and the night club was right underneath his place, it was our regular crawl. Everyone seemed to be in party mode and the night was rocking, Steve had asked us if we were hanging about and going downstairs to the club or into Las Americas, I thought it best not to leave the complex as we were all getting very messy by now and downstairs was a safer bet, so we arranged to see him there when he had locked upstairs. Fig and Graham were having a grand old time and Hardy and the crew seemed to get on OK with them both, it reminded me of being eighteen again. As we walked into the club I spotted the two women again that I had seen earlier in the Villager, Fig looked at me and winked he had spotted them too, Graham

515 got the drinks in whilst Fig and I invaded the dance floor and introduced ourselves to the Ladies. Carol and Margaret were their names they were from Manchester and staying in Carols apartment on the resort. What a pair, they really new how to enjoy themselves, we danced for ages and ages before sitting down and getting properly acquainted. Eventually when we couldnt drink anymore I asked Carol if she was going to invite us back for a coffee, she agreed but insisted that was all that was on offer, yeah right! Fig and I spent the night with the two Manchester girls and sent Graham back with the key to the apartment. They were a fantastic pair, Carol was in her mid forties and much more voluptuous than Margaret, she was very busty and hour glass shaped whereas Margaret was a bit

twiggy looking for my liking but Fig wasnt complaining. It turned out that the girls were booked in at the Villager for Christmas dinner as well as us three stooges so Christmas day turned into a real bonanza. The girls could drink for England and they did. It was a Christmas day to remember. Fig and I spent Christmas night with them and then the next day Miguel turned up and within the space of the evening Fig had lost out and Miguel had stolen his prize, what a carry on. Now I was part of a foursome and one of the four was a murderous criminal, Miguel was nastier than I thought he could be, within the space of a couple of days he had Margaret waiting on him hand and foot, he was a real arrogant twat, but who was I to tell him! Besides he would have probably killed me if Id said

517 a word. Margaret was paying for all his food and drinks and Carol was giving him some real verbal so I decided to start putting some distance between us and spent more time with Fig and Graham, although most nights during their stay I spent with Carol even if we met late on at the club. In between Christmas and the New Year we were all down in Steves Bar, there was Fig, Graham, Hardy, Steve, Miguel another Steve, Steve the singer from Augusta Park, Roy the Scouse and another bloke called Chisel who Hardy had brought along. He was staying at Hardys as a lodger and helping Hardy with the rent, Chisel was very blonde, quite tall and very white, he looked like he had just arrived on the island, he was a cockney lad and a jack the lad to say the least. It turned out his nickname came from

the implement he used to stab a bloke in the East end of London and he was white because he hadnt seen daylight for God knows how many years. Everyone got on well enough but I remember looking around the room and thinking if anything kicked off in here between this lot it would be a right blood bath. As it was we had a good night, in fact most nights during that two week period turned out to be a proper party, then one party rolling into another. What a fortnight. New Years Eve was a right night as you can imagine, everyone was on parade, all dressed up in their best bib and tuckers, Carol and Margaret looked stunning and we were all out in force for a real party. I was trying to keep my distance from Carol in public, although everyone knew what was going on I didnt want to

519 make it too obvious, my secret was safe with the inner crowd, Hardy and the likes, it was the bar staff and other residents I had to watch out for, so I had the odd dance with Carol and encouraged her to dance with the others. As the alcohol went down, I could see there was going to be problems, Miguel was looking at Fig, who was looking at him, and then Graham was looking at Miguel. Chisel had become quite matey with Miguel, so you can imagine the scene. Before long Graham and Fig were falling out because Graham was trying to warn Fig off Miguel, when they started arguing Miguel stepped in on Grahams side, I stepped in on Figs side, Hardy got in between Miguel and Fig and I ended up smacking Graham! What a night! The outcome was hilarious, just about everyone had

fallen out with everyone and I of all people had just smacked my guest for the fortnight. If you have followed that you have done well. The next morning I woke up in the Carols apartment. I jumped up and went home straight away to find out if everyone else was in one piece. Fig was at the apartment, and Graham had gone off into Las Americas with Chisel and Miguel because he had decided he didnt want to stay at my place. Fig and I went down to Steves bar at about twelve, Hardy was still there with Steve, both, very drunk but happy. Graham didnt turn up that day or the day after, Fig and I were starting to get worried about him, eventually Hardy had heard that they had all been seen in Las Americas still partying, so we stopped worrying, apart from the fact that Graham had all

521 the money and with them two in tow it would be guaranteed they would have been willing helpers to drink it for him. Not my problem, Fig borrowed some money off Margaret and promised to pay her when they got back to England. Fig and I carried on with the holiday; we were having fun! However, it was getting very close to the day they were supposed to fly back. We decided to stay in and charge our batteries for a change so we bought some beers and some whisky from the supermarket and told the girls we would see them the next night, which would be the last night for everyone. I suppose we were both hoping Graham would show up, he didnt. Fig and I sat there and demolished all the beer, we were watching some videos and then we decided to watch Ghost. Fig and I cried and

cried all the way through the film, then we opened the whisky and had a heart to heart, both of us crying in our drinks, I am fully aware that this was totally drink induced but funnily enough I really needed this chat, I had been fighting all my feelings inside, all my anxieties and worries had been trapped inside and I was just drowning them every time they showed their ugly head. I needed to talk and so did he, it turned out that life wasnt a bed of roses for him either. We sat up all night and eventually collapsed around eight in the morning. When I eventually awoke, apart from feeling really rough, I felt so much better inside; I had got one hell of a lot of worries off my chest. I had admitted to myself that I wasnt as cock sure of the future as I made out and I think I realised at that stage that if

523 something wasnt done fairly soon disaster would eventually strike, or I would drink myself to death before it had chance.

The last night came and we met up with Carol and Margaret, it was really good; we had a nice meal and a couple of bottles of wine. The next morning the girls had to be off to the airport fairly early and I had promised them a lift, Fig also had to be at the airport but he had no ticket and no money. I decided the best option would be to pick his bag up from the apartment and take him to the airport with the girls just in case Graham was there waiting for him. We said our farewells to Carol and Margaret at the check-in and then started the search for Graham. He was nowhere to be seen. We knew

there were seats on the plane, so the only option would be to explain and buy him another ticket; the problem was we had no money, well, certainly not enough for a flight. The best I could think of was to phone my Mum and get her to pay for Figs ticket on her card and Fig could give her the money when he got to Harrogate. I phoned Mum and God bless her she sorted it out for him, Fig was practically in tears, he looked so relieved when the woman passed his plane ticket over the counter. That was him sorted out all I had to do now was wait for Julia and the kids to arrive back so I went into the bar and had a beer whilst I was waiting for them to land. They all arrived back safe and sound, it was really good to have them back, I was looking forward to getting back into some sort of normal life

525 again it had been a wild fortnight. Graham turned up the next day late at night and asked me if I would put him up and get him back to England, Julia wondered what the hell was going on but I told her not to worry, I took him to the airport the next day and he phoned his ex who stumped up the cash to get him back. I was right Miguel had fleeced him and also taken a load of cash from him promising to get him a cheap ticket to the UK, not a chance, Graham never saw him again. Fig phoned me after he had been to pay my Mum and said that there was a point that he thought he was going to die on the island and he couldnt understand how I could live there, surrounded by the people I was surrounded by and living the uncertain life I was living especially with two kids

that I loved dearly. It made me laugh at the time but something inside me twinged, he had struck a nerve. Over the next couple of weeks things started to get back to normal, I saw plenty of Hardy and the gang down at Steves bar, I was in there one night with Hardy and Steve was going on about all these new cds he had got, he was playing them and then Hardy asked to see them, it was so funny, as he started going through them he kept saying, Ive got this one and this and this one and then Steve looked at Hardy and Hardy looked back, it was a scream, who sold you the cds, he asked, well Steve just looked at Hardy and said, Chisel! with his hands open, talk about jaw dropping, I nearly pissed myself laughing, Hardy was purple with rage, he dropped the cds on the bar, picked up his

527 car keys and left at a rapid rate. I was still laughing but I knew I had better go with him, because he was out to kill Chisel. Hardy stormed through his patio doors, it was a good job they were open, he wasnt going to stop, he went straight through to the back rooms and burst through the door, Chisel was fast asleep, he woke to a raging Hardy who just bent over him and started pummelling him, his giant arms and fists pounding into Chisels head, he didnt stand a chance, now, I really thought he was going to kill him the noises were frightening, it sounded like his head, nose or jaw was cracking every time a blow hit him, I jumped on Hardys back to try and restrain him, as his arm came back to hit out again, his elbow hit me in the ribs like a sledgehammer, I screamed with agony and dropped off his back, the

dozy great German git had cracked my ribs, Chisel was again fast asleep, Hardy had beat him unconscious and there was blood right up the whitewash walls. Hardy picked me up and we went back to the bar, he sent Steve up to get Chisel out of there before he got home. I was finding it hard to laugh by now; the pain was just like I remembered from breaking my ribs before, absolute murder. Later on when Hardy had calmed down and Steve had returned with his money we all had a good drink and relaxed, it was so funny every five minutes someone would burst out laughing again, even Hardy saw the funny side after he had consumed vast amounts of alcohol.

During the next few months we had lots of visitors,

529 My Mum and Dad came to stay for a month, Julias Mother came to stay, some friends of an ex neighbour of ours came, Julias cousin, Debbie with her son Tom, it was chaos for the entire spring and summer. The children were having a ball and really enjoyed themselves and for me, I experienced something that most fathers never get to have and that was real quality time with the two most precious soles on earth, James and Georgina. I had a wonderful time with them and we spent many hours playing in the pool or going off for the day to any of the fantastic beaches there, most were black sand beaches but if you knew where you were going there are also some fantastic golden sandy ones, El Medano, where the wind surfing championships are held has got to be one of the

best, great sand dunes and miles of golden sand, there is a rock jutting out that is the shape of a lions head, we could see it from our terrace balcony on the Golf and when the sun came down in an evening it was a magical sight. I would imagine there are millions of fathers that never ever get that amount of time with their children, so if I got anything out of Tenerife it was that. I was still very concerned about the future and what it might hold for me and us as a family, I was still drinking far too heavily and to be honest it had started to affect my everyday life, I know why I did it, it because life seemed far easier to cope with when I had alcohol inside me. I didnt know whether or not I could go through a day without a drink and I wasnt going to attempt it. I just had to keep going

531 although I knew I was seeing life through a hazy alcoholic mist. I suppose Hardy was in the same boat so we kept each other company and I avoided talking to Julia about any of that. Mum and Dad came to visit as much as they could afford to and we even got the bloke who owned the apartment below us to let them rent it from him for an entire month. That was great the kids played in the pool whilst Mum and Dad sat out on their patio and watched them, during their stay it gave me a great opportunity to show them both around the Island, we took them everywhere, Mum loved the Parque Lorro which is basically a Zoo with beautiful gardens and a fantastic dolphin show, it was all a bit touristy for me but she loved it. Julia took them to ride on a camel whilst I was working on some

signs for Steves bar The Fairways he gave me loads of work, which was handy. The photos of my old Mum on a camel were a scream. Julias Mum came out to see us quite often and so did her cousin Debbie. She was the same age as us and had a son called Tom he was the same age as Georgina, they played well together, occasionally James got a bit too rough for him but nothing serious. Debbie was very attractive and could easily be mistaken for Julias sister, she was always polite and flirty, what I didnt know at the time was she and Julia were hatching a plan to persuade me that going back to England would be a good idea. Unfortunately I fell for it! It was over a period of about a year, she came over quite frequently because she was teaching art so she had loads of

533 holidays and used them to stay with us rent free, not bad when I think back. Im not even sure whether she contributed to the food bill either. By October 1994 Julia and Debbie had convinced me that it would be better for the kids to grow up in England whatever was in store for me. I knew in my heart if I didnt get off the island PDQ I was going to drink myself to death so I agreed. We decided that Harrogate would not be a good idea and that Debbie would put us up in Northwich until I got a house sorted out. A few nights before we were due to leave I called at Hardys house to have a drink with him and ask what he thought about us going, it was pitch black as I approached his patio but his car was in the car park and Hardy left the lights on even if he was out so it struck me as strange, the

patio doors were open wide as usual as I stepped over the flower bed I stumbled, there was a groan, it was Hardy laid on the patio, I bent over him and as my eyes got accustomed to the light or lack of it should I say, I could see that his eyes were open, I said to him, Whats wrong, Are you OK? he replied in a groaning painful voice, Ive had a heart attack leave me I was really taken aback and said to him, dont be stupid get up. He replied, leave me. It took a second but I thought I had better get some help so I ran next door to Steves apartment and told him, he went to get the French doctor who lived further around the parade of apartments closer to the clubhouse and I went back to Hardy. He wouldnt try to get up and said that he didnt want a doctor, I couldnt believe it, I just kept talking

535 to him and asking him how he felt, he got really angry and tried to shout at me he said in a groan but raised voice, you fucking Englishman I am fucking dying and you ask me how it feels, it feels like shit! Thats how it feels! Before long Frenchy had arrived and he knelt over Hardy, I nipped in and put the lights on, he spent a while talking to hardy and examining him and sent for an ambulance much to Hardys disapproval. Steve and I didnt want to hang around so we took Hardys car and went to see the other Steve at the Fairways Club. Steve reckoned that Hardy had been complaining of chest pains for a couple of days, thinking back I remembered him complaining too but you know what its like nobody really listens to someone else moaning on.

The next day Hardy turned up, he had discharged himself from the hospital and decided to come to the villager for a drink with me and Steve, what a nutter, he had a death wish, and he really did want to die. I finished my drink and went off to deliver some work so arranged to see Hardy that night. When I arrived back home Julia was waiting there for me, she broke the news to me, that Hardy had collapsed again and this time it wasnt just a flutter it was the real deal he had been taken by ambulance back down to the Green Hospital and was in the intensive care unit fighting for his life. I couldnt believe what was going on, my best mate dying in hospital and me going back to the slaughter in England. It was over!

537 The day came to pack our bags and fly, I can remember Debbie and Julia doing all the packing and I was totally hopeless, I was very fearful of returning to the U.K. and not knowing what was going to happen about the debts I had left behind me. I was sat at the pool bar drinking whisky like it was going out of fashion right up until our lift to the airport arrived. I was totally drunk but still managed to walk in a straight line and be totally compos mentus. I think this is a trait of alcoholism and I wasnt very far from it. We arrived at Manchester on a very dark, wet, October evening it was horrendous, but the bar in the arrival lounge was still open and our lift hadnt arrived so it wasnt too bad I could get another drink before I had to face Julias other cousin, the

dreaded Jackie, I have never got on with her she used to shout and scream at all her family, even her husband. She even screamed when she was talking normally. In fact that goes for all the females in that side of the family apart from Julia. I was frozen, I was shaking and had no suitable clothing for England in the autumn, the shakes were better after a drink but for the first week I shook especially at night, it didnt take me long to realise that it was the withdrawal symptoms from alcohol and the freezing weather combined that was having this effect on me. I slept for the first week completely clothed, shivering right through the long dark nights. The first job I had to do was get some warm clothes for us all and the kids into a school, which was achieved in the first two days of

539 arriving back in this hellhole called Northwich. I went out every day to try and get a job, but Northwich really is a one horse town it was like being thrown back in time, I even saw a lad wearing one of those jumpers that we wore in the seventies with three big stars on the front. Cheshire is supposed to be an upmarket county with lots of wealth and nice houses, as I found out later it is, but if this place was the first place you were to see the impression one gets is that it is a slum surrounded by a green belt and as you get further away from it the nicer the county gets. It was winter, the weather was horrible and I was a very unhappy chappy. We managed to get a house in an even worse place called Rudheath, privately rented and quite acceptable considering we were in hell, it was

just everyone living around us that was a scumbag. Julia managed to get a job working in W H Smiths and my job was to walk the kids to school every day and sit and watch day-time TV with a bottle of cider as company, The cider took the edge off the despair I was in, how could this have happened to me? I had everything going for me and I was the one that was special, like fuck, Now! I was the one on the scrap heap of life at thirty-five years old, I was the one that could not go a day without alcohol and what hurt most was, I was the one that fucked up BIG TIME and I knew it. We managed to scrape some money together and we bought a Ford Capri for about two hundred and fifty quid, this meant I could get back to Harrogate and see my Mum and Dad and also get into Manchester

541 to look for work, everywhere I tried I failed, I went for jobs in the advertising industry, with a good track record behind me, how could I fail? Its easy, people can tell when you look as though you are soaked in alcohol, even in a suit you look haggard. Christmas came and went and then one day I saw an advert in the paper for jobs in Tenerife, I phoned it straight away and arranged an interview, this was my chance to get out of this hell-hole. The interview went well and the company seemed to be above board. They wanted people to market a resort and they paid your airfare back when you got there, this seemed better. I spoke to Julia and pointed out that there was absolutely nothing in England for me and that we would be better off back in Tenerife. Julia just agreed, I think even then she had given up and

didnt care what happened to me, it was a way of getting me out of her hair so she could start to build her own life in the northwest with support from her relatives; the big problem was I didnt know this at the time. Within a week I was in Manchester Airport and on my way back to the sunshine with big hopes. I would get sorted out and have some stability for the kids to come back to, that was my aim. I arrived at The Regency Club half way up a mountain on the south side of Las Americas and met the people I would be working for. It turned out to be nothing but rubbish, they wanted me to tout holiday-makers on the street just like they did at Parque Del Sol, but with a difference, they didnt even have scratch cards as a gimmick to get people to come to the

543 resort, so the object was to just talk them in not a chance in hell. As soon as I found this out I went straight to Parque del Sol and met Larry, he was in charge of all the OPC teams, who touted the streets, Larry took me on straight away and gave me free accommodation, at least I had somewhere to sleep that night! So here I was again, no money, and in the shit but I was optimistic. The next day I started work and had reasonable success, I had earned ninety quid in the day so I went to the bar after work. I met Little Ronnie in the bar, he was a great bloke, he ran an OPC team for Parque and had been there for years, but now he was turning his hand to his favourite sport, Racing, he had set up as a bookie in Torviscas. Years previously Ronnie had quite a scam going, he would sell

couples to different resorts, it worked like this, you got paid forty five quid for getting a couple into the resort to attend a timeshare presentation, now Ronnie used to catch them on their way out and ask them if they wanted more gifts or cash to attend another presentation, well this worked quite well because people are greedy and quite a lot of them would agree not to do one more but loads, thereby paying for their holiday. The big problem was, was that the poor rep on the resort that got to present to them had no chance from the start of selling them a time-share because they were scamming the scammers and Little Ronnie was making a fortune. This wasnt very good for business, especially John Palmers business, so when Ronnie got caught doing it the head of Security Dennis was informed

545 and told to deal with the problem. Dennis was the type of man you really would not want to upset, he wasnt so tall as just downright Evil and a brick shithouse to go with it. It was said that If anything was going on in Tenerife Dennis knew about it and was either master-minding it or being paid for allowing it to happen, Drugs, Prostitution, everything you can think of! Apart from being awesome himself he had an army of Lebanese Arabs, German and Spanish Armed Bodyguards that would match anyone, all were ex-mercenaries or criminals and one in particular who was Denniss right hand man, Ahmed, they called him the Pillowman, he was the one who visited you in the night and stuck the pillow over your face before pulling the trigger. These people were the real deal and

living in Tenerife, it was common knowledge that the police left everyone alone from John Palmers resorts. One day Little Ronnie was picked up by some bodyguards and taken to Island Village. In his own words, he said to me, I was taken into Denniss office, where Dennis was sat at his desk, as I walked into the room he smiled at me and said, Ronnie, youve been a naughty boy, and then lent over the desk towards me. That was the last thing I remember, When I woke up the pain in my head was tremendous and my arm was killing me I couldnt move it, I was so dizzy, and then I could see Dennis still smiling at me all blurry through crimson blood. Dennis said, Ronnie the boys are going to take you down to the hospital to get your arm fixed, heres the money to pay the bill, you

547 know I like you but I had to do something for Mr Palmer. If you do it again it will be a lot worse than a broken nose and arm, see you later at wages. I was laughing I didnt believe him at the time but I asked around and everyone confirmed it was true. Anyway Ronnie wanted some signs doing for his new business venture so things started to look up, we stayed out late and had a right good drink. I did Ronnies signs and got paid for doing them but things started to take a turn for the worse, It was pretty quiet around and getting increasingly difficult to get people into the resorts, also my free accommodation was running out of time, it was only available for two weeks and we were well into that, I had less than a week to find somewhere to stay and next to no money by now, I hadnt been out on

the street working for a while, just out on the piss but now I had a serious problem on the horizon. Nowhere to live!! The only thing I could think of was to have another beer so I went into Las Americas to a German bar, funny really because the last time I had been in there was with Hardy. I was wondering how he was and if he was even alive when this bloke came in who knew Hardy, he nodded to me so I smiled and asked him what had become of the big German, fully expecting him to say he was dead, his reply nearly knocked me sideways, he told me that Hardy had been flown back to Germany and had been operated on but now he was here back in Tenerife and working in La Caleta. I was shocked and surprised; anyway it turned out he was living in the

549 small village just passed the Golf del Sur called Los Abrigos. I drank my beer off quick and went down to Torviscas where I knew I could get a lift up to the golf, I also knew if Hardy was there I could find him no problem. As I arrived in Los Abrigos we came over the little bridge and there sure enough was Hardys car, I could here his voice coming from a balcony above me. What a reunion that was, we sat and drank and drank until the early hours, Hardy had stopped smoking but by hell could he drink. He told me all about the operation and showed off his scars, what a mess he was, they had taken a vein that was about twelve inches long from his thigh to use in his chest for the triple by-pass, he looked like Frankenstein but we had a good laugh over it. I

stayed with Hardy for a week but then he had to go back to Germany for a month for check-ups and there was a German coming out to stay in the apartment so I couldnt stay there, what a bloody mess. I decided that Polly would be my best bet so I went down to Torviscas Playa. It turned out that Polly needed help in the restaurant so I got myself a job but nowhere to live, what a bastard this was turning out to be. I started work that night in the hope one of the other members of staff would put me up but at the end of the night there was no luck. I asked Polly if I could sleep on a sun bed in the lock-up where he kept all the supplies for the restaurant, he agreed and gave me the key but I knew he wasnt happy about it. After work I went up to the Karaoke bar above Pollys place and got

551 hammered. I waited until all had gone before going down and lifting the steel roller door, what a bloody racket. I had no sooner pulled the it back down when I heard voices it was the Police, thats all I needed, I darent even breathe. They walked up and down a couple of times and then disappeared up the stairs to the balcony, I could see their shiny black jack boots in the moonlight. I lit a cig and sat on this sun bed, the place was dusty and had just an earth floor, no concrete and it stank, the good news was all Pollys alcohol was kept in there. I opened a bottle of vodka, after I had drunk enough to get some coke in with it I was plastered but at least I knew I would sleep. There were little shuffling noises, what the fuck was this going to be a king size rat or something, I lit my lighter and sure

enough there were little eyes peering at me from behind crates and fucking cockroaches scurrying about as well. Oh what the fuck had I got myself into? It wasnt long before I collapsed completely if I was going to get eaten in the middle of the night by rats, I didnt give a fuck!! The next morning I heard Polly arrive and open the shutters to the bar and kitchen if it had been a proper restaurant I could have slept in it but all it was, was a kitchen and bar, all the tables were outside on the terrace with no cover and I had another night to look forward to. After getting a shower on the beach I made my way up to the commercial centre, there was a travel agent up there; I just had to get back to England. The first flight they could get me on was in three days, the Sunday flight to Manchester. I

553 phoned Mum from the agents in tears and asked her to get me back, she did bless her soul; she paid on her credit card and told me not to tell anyone. I was so relieved; I was getting off this fucking island for good. The next three days were the longest three days of my life so far. I got pissed in the day and worked in the evening, then got pissed again so as I could sleep, I was in the worst state that I possibly could be. I wasnt eating a thing; I was shitting water and shaking like a leaf if too many hours had gone by without a top-up. I stank of dirty salt water from showering on the beach; I tried to cover the smell with aftershave and kept putting on what clean clothes I had with me, just hoping I wouldnt run out. Morning was the worst time as soon as I woke I would start retching, that was

because I needed a drink, evenings were better because I had been topping up all day and I didnt have a care in the world by then. Sunday arrived and Polly had said he would get me to the airport for 10pm, what a star that bloke was. We worked until 9pmm and then it was time to go, I grabbed a bottle of vodka when I went to get my bags from the lock up and off we went.

Time to Get Real

The farewell at the airport was sad for me but it must have been heaven for Polly to get rid of me. Once through passport control I believed I was going home and I started to relax with my bottle of vodka and some coke I had bought from the duty free shop. I managed to get myself on the plane and slept all

555 the way back to Manchester, it was the first decent sleep I had had for days, yes I felt rough when I woke but I still felt like I had escaped the jaws of death. It was about four oclock in the morning and I had nowhere to go and no money to get me there, I didnt really care I was in England, safe and I had my vodka, coke and cigs to keep me company. After a couple of large ones I decided to jump into a taxi and see the kids I was missing them so much my heart was aching it was hurting like hell, I really missed my babies and I didnt care that I had no money to pay for the taxi. It was now about five oclock in the morning and Julia was not impressed with the knock on the door, the kids came rushing downstairs and I was just knelt down on the floor with the most precious things in the world

squeezing tight. They were so happy to see me and I was crying like a baby, it was lovely, we sat for about half an hour and just hugged then, Julia broke the party up and sent them back to bed. Julia wasnt happy at all and she made it quite obvious; it was like being a stranger in my own home. She really didnt want me there. She stormed off back upstairs to bed and left me to it. I sat and thought about how happy I was to be back close to the kids and safe, I remember, just looking into the night or morning as it was by now the sun was breaking through the clouds, I had a couple more drinks and then I dont remember a thing, I was fast asleep, when Julia got the kids up and took them to school. She woke me at about eleven and ripped into me about turning up and making her pay for the taxi. I

557 had spent years providing for her but it just shows you when the shoe is on the other foot, what a short memory people have. She looked at me with pure hatred in her eyes, all the years of her having an open chequebook and now she is raging about a poxy twenty five quid for a taxi. She had got herself ready for work and disappeared out of the door still scowling like a witch. I had a bath and found some clean clothes, I felt a hundred percent better after a nice shave and tidy up, I remember I was sitting watching the TV and the phone rang, it was Julias cousin, she told me that Julia had gone to the school and taken the kids and that she would not be coming back until I had left the house for good, I was stunned into complete and utter silence, my head was spinning, what

about my children, where were they? Where was I going to go? What the fuck was going on? Within a split second my world had simply been snatched away from me and shattered like a hammer hitting a plate of glass, I couldnt even hear what she was saying, her voice just faded into the distance, then I heard the letter box and an envelope drop through the door, by the time I had got there, whoever had delivered it had disappeared out of sight, there was a twenty pound note, presumably this was my fare to wherever. So after fifteen years of marriage, I was given twenty quid and kicked out. I was devastated I had nowhere to go. My mind was going round and round in circles, what was going on, I couldnt take this in at all, I was raging with anger, I swear, if I could have got my hands on her

559 or her bloody cousin at that moment in time I would have killed them, dead, stone dead! It took a while for me to come round and start to think straight, I was like a caged tiger, prowling around the house. The only thing I could think of was to phone Paul in Harrogate, he was the only person in the world that could or would help me now. Paul was on his way to Cheshire within half an hour of me speaking to him, he knew by my voice that this was a desperate situation and told me to just calm down and get some stuff together. I went upstairs to find some decent clean clothes and pack. Whist I was routing around in the wardrobe, I remembered my gun, it was still there right at the top, it was a pistol that I had come by years ago and not thought too much about it after firing it a few times down in the fields.

One thing was for certain it would kill me instantly if I stuck in the side of my head and pulled the trigger. I sat on the bed and loaded the gun, I wasnt even shaking at the time but when I put it to my head I felt sick, sicker than I have ever felt in my life, I didnt like it much, it reminded me of all those years ago when that cockney had pulled the gun out of the til in France, I wasnt so scared then but now I was starting to tremble. I knew that I had life and death in the palm of my hand. I must have sat there for what seemed like ages thinking about it and then thinking about the kids, I went down stairs and had some more vodka, urghh! It was awful, but it warmed my inside and after a few mouthfuls, I felt better. I still had the gun by my side whilst I stared at the TV screen. It was then that I stuck the gun in

561 my mouth, I was counting, but then I suddenly retched and ran for the kitchen, I was sick, as sick as a dog, I knew this wasnt for me, I didnt have the bottle for this! Some people say its the cowards way out, well for me, you have to have a lot bigger bollocks than I have to do that. I was wiping my face and looking in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot and the tears were rolling down the cheeks of my face, I still had the gun, I decided to unload it and put it in my case, out of sight, out of mind. It wasnt long after, Paul phoned and told me he was just outside the town, I needed to clean myself up a bit, I didnt want him to see me in this state. Within minutes he was there banging on the horn, it was Paul, you always knew when he was around. I got into the 4X4 and turned my back on

that house forever, my heart was broken, shattered completely shattered. I felt like I had just had my guts ripped out. During the drive I explained to Paul what I had been through, he was very good, he had even made an appointment with Sian at the doctors for me. Sian was Saras sister who I had been out with years ago and now she was my family practitioner. I trusted her and knew that she would help me if she could. We arrived in Harrogate. We stopped at the pub, where Paul had arranged to meet a few of the lads. They all welcomed me with open arms, we played pool and had a few beers, all of a sudden life didnt seem too bad and I had for a brief time pushed my pain and misery to the back of my mind. It was late by the time we left the pub, so Paul

563 suggested that I stay at his house for the night, tomorrow I would go see the doctor and home to Mum and Dads house.

The Briary Wing The next day, I felt very rough and must of looked a sorry sight, Sian had arranged for me to go into the Briary Wing, at Harrogate hospital. This was where mentally ill or people with drug and alcohol problems were sent. I have got to admit that I wasnt very keen at all on the idea, but I was assured by Sian that this would help me in the short term, withdrawal symptoms from a full years binging would be pretty horrendous. She was right, the first three days were horrific. I dont think I have ever shaken so bad in all my life, as the days

passed I felt better and better. Now I had time to observe my surroundings, Christ all mighty! I was OK compared to the people I was in there with, some of the people had serious issues and I could not help feeling very sorry for them. I met one bloke in there who was extremely wealthy, he was very well to do and well heeled but he was a total pisshead, he used to go in every twelve months to dry out and then go back on the whisky and work towards another stint, he was a right laugh. His wife and chauffeur used to come and visit him in their Rolls Royce. One day we were discussing liver counts, this is when they test your liver for damage, they test the enzymes, apparently, anyway I had totally battered myself for ages and my count was one hundred and five, his liver count was three

565 hundred and fifty, unbelievable; what must he have done? I dont know! The liver repairs itself over time so that must be why he came in every year. He was crackers but I am sure he was landed gentry. It wasnt long before I was sorted out, much sooner than the doctors first thought when I arrived, now all I had to do was get on my feet and find something to do with my life. Mum and Dad were great, they were very pleased to have me at home and they couldnt do enough for me, the only problem was I was now single and wanted to be out there with the lads, looking for women. Dad sat up all night on a few occasions and made me feel awful when I got back the next morning, so I decided that I needed to find somewhere to live. I had found work, cash in hand valeting cars, so money wasnt a problem it

was just where? I didnt want to be in some poky bedsit. It wasnt long before I bumped into Barny, Steve Barnes who I had known for years and years, Steve was just buying a house after his marriage had collapsed so having me paying him rent was ideal, problem solved, I paid Steve and if I never went home he still got his rent and I didnt get any earache, it wasnt Dads fault, he just worried about me, Mum on the other hand knew exactly where I would be and that I would be fine. As soon as I had got settled I phoned Mike at MCA and he was good enough to give me a job back in the mix, I was back on my feet with a nice job as a advertising account director, a good salary, company phone and car, working in the industry I knew best. I never thought it possible but it was true.

567 That summer was a right good time, in six months I had met loads of females and started living with one or two until I met Elaine! She was in a nightclub with a friend of hers, very attractive, in fact she had beautiful eyes, short black hair, very petite but she was married. I spoke with the two ladies for quite a while and Elaine seemed extremely interested in the fact that I had just come back from the Canaries, this gave me the lead that I needed so we chatted for quite some time before her friend said her farewells and left us to our own devices. Not before time as far as I was concerned. By the end of the night we were getting on famously and she offered me a lift home, which I accepted of course. I was dropped off at my parents house and we arranged to meet the next evening, I was quite

excited about the prospect, she was attractive, sexy and intelligent and I had the major horn for her at the time, so I was happy and all of this was suppressing the pain of losing my wife and children which, I think, was the main objective of all my actions at the time. I arrived the next evening in Knaresborough where I had arranged to pick her up; she was there on time and looking stunning, classy with a touch of tart which really appealed to me. Thinking back the whole relationship was based entirely on sex and I was happy with that. We spent the evening in Harrogate Town Centre and then went on to a nightclub, the same one where we had met the evening before, I was outrageous, we were sitting on a very low window

569 sill and I slid my hand under her backside, she obliged by lifting one cheek after the other to allow me access to her very moist and sweaty pussy, I slid her knickers to the side and then probed her with my fingers, she was really enjoying it and it was risky but no one seemed to notice. She just sat there and carried on talking as though nothing was going on and occasionally she looked at me and her eyes lit up, as only her eyes could do, they sparkled in the dim light. By now I was thinking it was time to get into those pants properly so I took her by the hand and suggested that we had a walk, she just jumped to her feet and smiled, the broadest smile I have ever seen. It was a beautiful summer night, warm, clear skies and calm, I knew exactly where we were going, just up the road was

the entrance to the Valley Gardens, this is a well known beauty spot of Harrogate and its where the Flower Show was held on an annual basis. I think that the Chelsea Flower Show was the only event to surpass the Harrogate event, as soon as we approached the pavillion walk I sat her on a bench, we kissed for a while and groped at each other like we were trying to rip each other apart, it seemed like she was desperate for a shag, I would never of thought that a bird like this would ever be short of a dick, not in a million years. We shagged like two dogs on heat, it was nothing more than total lust, but it was good. This was the start of a bizarre relationship that was essentially based sex. I had only been seeing Elaine for about a week when she came up with the idea of throwing her husband out

571 and moving me in, this seemed totally crazy and if I was her husband I would have kicked her arse out of the door and told her never to come back, however this bloke must have been the most spineless git on Gods earth because she did it, she just threw him out onto the street and moved me in the same day. I had only just moved into Barnys house with him and his new wife, what a bitch she turned out to be, anyway I will tell you about her later. Steve Barny was a great bloke and still is for that matter, in fact I spent a night drinking with him not too long ago, the only thing I could say against Steve B is that he is a Man Utd fan which in my book is sacrilege, him being a Yorkshire man and all, I can never understand how anyone could support SCUM like that when you were born in

Yorkshire, Steves excuse is that his mum and dad are from Manchester, well my dad came from Sunderland and there is no way I could support them especially when they broke my heart by beating Leeds in the F.A. Cup Final when I was a kid, now that really broke my heart. So Elaine moved me in to her nice three bed detached house in Knaresborough, very cosy. Elaine was a raving nymph, the first I had ever come across. As soon as I walked in the door from work she was on top of me. Every night I walked in she was wearing something different, long evening dresses, with her hair tied up, stockings, high heels, the next night she would be wearing her work uniform, she was a hair-dresser, and wore, like a nurses uniform for work? She always wore stockings and had ropes

573 and leather gear in the bedroom. Her poor husband couldnt cope I reckon, mind you I dont think I could cope with that nowadays. Sex was always on the agenda, we used to go out into the surrounding villages for a drink and she would inevitably pull off the road on the way home and dive into the back of her range rover, legs akimbo. This was never a one off, it was every night of the week. As far as I was concerned it was great, it was something I hadnt experienced before and was a real novelty at first. I introduced her to the kids and we went over every fortnight to pick them up for the weekend and to be fair to Elaine she was great with them. Elaine was a diabetic and this was also a first for me. Her medication was extreme and had to be taken three times a day by injection, so I got the job of

administering her insulin every night before we went to bed, this was very difficult for me, I found this uncomfortable, however it had to be done. Elaine was desperate for another kid but she had been pregnant about seventeen times and miscarried every time, this was down to the diabetes. My thirty sixth birthday came and Elaine had booked a table at a very nice Italian restaurant in Knaresborough, where I was to receive my birthday surprise. I got a nice bottle of expensive Armarni aftershave and a whisper in my ear, Elaine held her stomach and announced that we were having a baby, I was, surprised to say the least, I must admit I was pleased, it was a shock but I was pleased, its like a male ego thing, I just felt overwhelmed, I was happy about it. As soon as we

575 left the restaurant Elaine decided that seeing as we were passing her parents house, she would stop by and introduce me to them, I wasnt too keen on the idea but she insisted, so anything for a quiet life I agreed, her parents were Scottish and very hospitable too, I was offered a very good malt and we sat and chatted for a while, it was pleasant to say the least and then out of the blue Elaine announced for the second time that evening that she was having a baby, that was the first scotch I have ever consumed that had nails in it, I choked like a goodn, I couldnt believe that she had set me up without telling me what she was going to do, it was so embarrassing, I thought her father was going to kill me but he didnt, he offered me another large malt and toasted the baby, what a birthday!

My Mum and Dad were very supportive as ever, they had been fantastic since my return from Tenerife, Mum would do absolutely anything for me and so would Dad. They really helped me and promised more help for Elaine, me and their new grandchild. As the weeks passed Elaine started to show and her sex drive increased tenfold, not a good combination in my book! And the fact that I wasnt forthcoming in the sex department didnt go down too well with her, she was unbearable, ranting and raving every night because I didnt want to make love to her, this was becoming a real issue and things between us started to deteriorate rapidly. One particular evening Elaine started on at me as usual, so I blew my top and told her to shove it, she

577 started screaming at me and her South African Ridgeback dog and I were sitting on the settee quivering whilst she blew another gasket. It goes without saying that we didnt make love that night and the next morning I packed my bags and left her. I found lodgings on the South-side of Harrogate with a woman who was quite remarkable to say the least. She had her own guttering company, three boys less than five years of age and was divorced. Before she took the boys off to day-care, she would brief this great big hairy-arsed foreman on the days work schedule and then get on with her day. She was weird looking; in fact she looked like that spectacled character on ScoobyDoo called Thelma, although she did have a figure. Well I was well and truly on the edge by now and I

was so insecure it was like walking around with a permanent mist in front of my eyes, I was living on my nerves, they were shot to bits what with the extortionate amount of alcohol that I was consuming and the sheer stress of not knowing from day to day where I was living. The house was very close to Oatlands Working Mens Club, so I thought it might be a good idea to join, cheap beer and not too far to stagger on a night, it was a good move because I wouldnt be tempted to get in the car and drive. I had only been there a couple of nights, before I staggered in late one evening, she was still up and I was very merry, as I went through the dining room to go to bed I suggested that she came up and tuck me in, with a cheeky smile and a wink, I shut the

579 door behind me and made my way upstairs. Before I had closed my eyes the door opened and she crept into the room wearing her dressing gown, she pulled back the duvet and slid in next to me. I have got to say I was very surprised, one because I didnt expect her to and two because she was not an attractive woman and if I had have been sober I wouldnt have suggested it. There is a lot to be said for the old saying, I have never been to bed with an ugly woman, but I have woken up with plenty! Ive just remembered her first name , it was Sue and she was definitely one to go in that category. It goes without saying that I didnt stay there too long; the novelty of shagging the Landlady wore off before it started. My next abode was with a mate of mine called Will

Who I knew through another friend, I wasnt there long either as there were far too many drugs around for my liking and it wasnt a good environment for the kids to visit. Just by chance we got the opportunity to pitch for a new account, it was a company based in Lancashire who dealt in holiday homes and permanent static caravans. We got the account and I was appointed to direct the account, which wasnt a surprise considering I had put the pitch together and planned all the advertising. My point of contact there was a young woman of twenty two years, very attractive, in fact she was the spitting image of Gillian Anderson her name was Lisa. As we got stuck into the media schedule and worked together on copy for brochures and other literature, the relationship

581 started to grow and we spent a lot of time flirting with each other. When she was bored Lisa would phone me, even at home on weekends when we spent a lot of time chatting about everything and nothing. One day I was sitting at home doing nothing and Lisa phoned, we chatted for a while, we were having our usual banter and laughter, now I had previously been weighing up the pros and cons of actually making a move on her anyway during this conversation it just came out, I invited her over to Harrogate from Lancashire for dinner that night, the phone went very quiet and then she asked me if she could give me a call back. I immediately thought I had made a grave mistake but within minutes I was proved wrong, she phoned back and said that she would come straight over

from work. I was as pleased as punch, Lisa arrived exactly around the time she was expected and we had a good evening out. The plan was to get her back to the house and give her a glass of wine to take her over the limit so she would have to stay the night, the plan failed miserably and she departed to drive all the way back to St Annes where she lived. We parted with a kiss so it wasnt all bad news and even better Lisa was on the phone the next day to return the compliment, I was asked to St Annes that night and she was paying, a result in anyones book! I made sure that night that I had too much wine to drive back to Harrogate, this was the start of a good relationship, we had many a laugh together and it wasnt long before I was living in St Annes on a permanent basis. After a few

583 months, Lisa had decided that she would like to move jobs and work in the city of Manchester, I wasnt bothered what she did because I was travelling to Leeds every day and I was getting sick of it too, so she went off for a job in Manchester and so did I. We both got new jobs in Manchester and things were quite rosy for a while, Lisa had a bit of a jealousy thing going on with Georgina but I didnt take too much notice of it at the time. One day Lisa suggested that we both move nearer to Manchester, I thought it was a good idea, I would be nearer James and Georgina, it sounded good, what I didnt realize at the time was that Lisa meant for her to move to one flat and me to another. It transpired that she didnt want the kids on a weekend anymore so it would suit her better that if

on the weekends that the kids came she didnt have to put up with them. I must admit I was surprised at the time, but I didnt have a problem with that really so we both started looking for a flat apiece. I found a place first just up the road from where James and Georgie lived and only twenty minutes from my new job. The house I chose was a two bed town house on Lovely Lane in Warrington, what was even better was it was right opposite The Hatter Public House, known to locals as The MAD Hatter, and it was, the first time I walked into the place I realized it was a nut house, all the roughest people from the area went into the Mad Hatter. The plus side was the landlord and landlady was from Yorkshire. Jean took me under her wing and cooked for me every Sunday, after a couple of pints she used to bring

585 my dinner out and serve it as though I was a paying customer, it was great. I found out more or less straight away that there was a singles club every Friday night just down the road and one of the lads invited me to go along with them. Now this was a real plus, apart from Lisa coming down on the odd Friday, it was a license to play and I did, very hard. It took about six weeks before I couldnt be bothered with Lisa, she was too much hassle, so we split up and I went on a marathon, all I did was go out every night with a different woman and drank too much. The job was easy, all I had to do was sit in the office and make phone calls prospecting for new clients. I spent a full year just having a really good time, I was earning very good money and could afford to

party when I wasnt working. It was the Monday morning the day after Princess Diana had been killed when I went into the office as usual, still in shock from the terrible news that Diana was dead. Everything seemed normal at first and then John the boss called me into his office. I was faced with being made redundant, it didnt bother me at the time I just thought, shit happens, and drove back to Warrington. I had a grand in the bank and time to really enjoy myself, I went on a complete bender from that very lunchtime until the money ran out, I didnt realize it at the time but I was on a downhill spiral and depression was on its way again. During this time I met a woman called Heidi she was a German and lived just up the road in Sankey Village. Heidi was the second nymph to come into

587 my life, her appetite for sex was even greater than Elaines, if Heidi didnt get sex five times a day she wasnt happy. Considering that she had been celibate for ten months it defied logic, but she explained that it was like being an alcoholic, if you dont have a drink, youre OK but if you touch a drop then you have to finish the bottle. So because I was there she had to have me. Heidi did me a great service; she managed to stop me going completely off the rails and helped to pull me around before I destroyed myself. My time with Heidi was tough but I had no idea what was coming next.

To Hell and Back

Heidi had pushed me into a job cleaning cars and moved me into her house; life in general was on the up apart from her sexual demands we were getting on great. I had this job just down the road valeting cars, just what the doctor ordered, no stress, no grief, just simple work with simple people. The simple life started to look attractive after all we didnt need fortunes, her house was paid for and we went out most weekends into Warrington and had a good time. I was working one day, when Heidi pulled into the car park, this wasnt normal for her to come to work without phoning first, there was something wrong!! Definitely something wrong, as I made my way

589 across the parking bays, she jumped out of the car and said, Its your Mum, shes ill, very ill, bless her she had no idea what was wrong only that I had to go to Harrogate straight away. I jumped into the car and we set off for Harrogate, I asked Heidi who had phoned, what was said and every other question that I could think of. The only thing that Heidi knew was that Joc had phoned and that I had to go to Harrogate. As soon as we arrived there we went to Joc and Petes house, It turned out that Mum had been admitted into hospital and was very ill with her chest. As soon as I heard I went to the hospital with Heidi. Mum was sat up in bed and was totally dismayed when I walked through the door, she looked very ashen and weak but she always did in recent years. Mum was obviously sick to death of

being in hospital and she was very bitter and twisted about the whole thing, she was tired of being ill and really didnt want to stay there or indeed go home, she told me and Heidi that she didnt want to go home to Dad either she said that she just wanted to die. This really upset me and she was really nasty about Dad, then she started having a real go at me for doing the job I was doing and maintained that her son was too good to clean cars. I could tell that she wasnt herself that day but although she upset me she was my mother and I loved her. I spoke to the doctor before we left and he told me that she had chronic bronchitis, the only thing I was concerned about was whether she was terminally ill and he assured me that she would be ok. We went back to the house and saw Dad he

591 was naturally upset at the fact that Mum was in hospital but I could tell he was probably more worried about Mum coming home. Mum had a very nasty streak and when she was in a certain frame of mind could be vicious with her tongue. I was relieved to see her alive, Joc is a bit of a drama queen and there was no real need to phone and drag me to Harrogate. We went down to the Gardeners Arms that night and had a good drink. Heidi and I returned to Warrington the next day and I phoned Dad most nights to see how Mum was doing, after a few days, Mum was coming home and I felt slightly relieved. It was about a week after I had received that information that I got another call and was again told that I needed to go to Harrogate, this time I went on my own and arrived

at Dixon Terrace about mid afternoon. Everyone was there all the nephews and nieces, brother and sisters, sister in law, the lot, this looked very serious I leapt upstairs and entered the front bedroom, Dad was in the room along with Jenny, Joc, Jason and Pete. Mum looked absolutely terrible and was sort of conscious but very delirious, I spoke to her and she opened her eyes, they were gray and had no sparkle in them whatsoever, she asked me what I was doing there and sounded surprised, like, Whats wrong? What are you here for? She was very ill; I knelt on the floor and held her hand whilst I spoke to her, Mum just made noises of a sort of acknowledgement. I just spoke to her and the last thing I said to her that day was, I love you Mum. I had to get back to Warrington so I set off back early

593 the next morning that was the Thursday; Friday came and went, there was no change. On the Saturday I got up as usual and went into work, At tea break one of the salesmen came through and told me that Heidi was on the phone, I picked up the phone and spoke to her there was no answer, it was a sort of pause that seemed to go on forever, I remember saying, Hello, Hello, then Heidi said, Jon its your Mum, I butted in and asked, Is she dead? the phone went quiet again and I knew but I needed to hear it so I asked again. Heidi could hardly speak but she managed to get out that Mum had died very early that morning. I put the phone down and went back into the valeting bay. A voice asked me if everything was alright and I just broke down and cried like I have never cried before, I

couldnt hold myself up my legs had no strength in them, I sat back on the compressor and wept, I felt like part of my body had been ripped apart, my mind was spinning like a top, I picked up my polishing cloth and polished like a man possessed, work, I needed to work, I couldnt see for the stream of tears pouring out of my eyes, I was crying out so loud, I remember screaming, NO, NO, NO, NO. the pain was awful, my face was in my hands then I felt a comforting hand on my shoulder it was the boss he said, Come on son, Ill take you home. When I arrived back at Heidis house I could tell by the expression on her face that she was distraught, she knew there was nothing she could do or say to make me feel anyway better at this time in my life.

595 The next few days were grim to say the least and then news of the funeral or not funeral arrived. Mum had left her body to science; this meant that she would be taken to Bradford to the University and that we were left with a service and no burial or cremation. I told everyone that I wasnt going to the service; I didnt want to be there. What a bloody farce, some bloke who had never met her talking about what a nice person she was, no cremation and a load of people who she hadnt seen for years, bollocks!

My pain was very personal and my feelings for my Mum were very mixed, dont get me wrong I loved her deeply but she was a bitter and twisted woman and had a tongue like a viper, she had treated my

father like a dog for years and had a deep hatred for him, although she stayed and kept house for him underneath she despised him and often said so whenever she had too much of the sweet stuff. This never sat well with me because I loved Dad just as much as I loved my mother and I always found it very hard when she decided to verbally attack him. I was very unhappy and Heidi did what she could to make the pain I was feeling go away but it wasnt working. I decided the best thing to do would be to go back to the Canary Islands so I applied for a job in Gran Canaria. Within less than two weeks I had the job, a new passport and a plane ticket. Heidi was heartbroken at the fact that I was leaving but my mind was set and I took all my stuff to James and Georgina to look after whilst I was away. We

597 said our farewells and had great big hugs, I cried my heart out after I had left the kids, they were still young but they were resilient. I arrived in Gran Canaria at around midnight, once I had found the place they had told me I would be staying at the top of a bloody mountain I might add I couldnt get in the security gate was locked, god was I pissed off. I launched an assault on the two iron gates riving and wrenching at them, the noise was immense but I didnt give a fuck, I was very tired, half pissed and angry. Eventually an old boy appeared and I apologized the best I could in his mother tongue, he was pretty grumpy at first, very disheveled, silver white hair all over the place, a stained vest, fat belly, fat belt, and a groucho moustache but he gave me the key to my apartment and even better a

case of Dorada beer. I slumped onto the settee and cracked open the first cold beer since leaving Manchester six hours previously. Morning came and I opened my eyes to bright sunlight, it felt so nice to wake up in November and have the warmth of the sun on my face again. Once I had got myself together I made my way to reception to find out where the hell I was and how to get to work, lucky for me there were some Germans waiting for a taxi to Anfi Beach Club, this was the place I would be working, I asked them if I could share their taxi and that was it, I was off to work. As the taxi wound down the hill into Puerto Rico, I looked at the magnificent view, the sun was shining and a deep warmth filled my body, it was like a ton of hard rock had been lifted from my

599 shoulders. We carried along the coast road and to my surprise we arrived at Anfi in no time at all. Anfi Beach Club was situated in the next bay and the nearest thing to paradise I had seen in what seemed like an eternity, it was magnificent, a tall glass fronted beautiful building built into the side of a cliff, it stood from sea level with pure white sandy beaches into the sky like a massive space age metropolis with circular exterior lifts, it was awesome! Having thanked the German guys I made my way to the reception desk to find out where the English sales line was. It didnt take long to meet everyone there including some Germans that I had known back in Tenerife and then straight into work. My first task was to have some sales instruction and

updates from the sales trainer, this was great because I was getting paid to sit and listen to some guy tell me how good he was. Every night after work we met in Sinatras bar which was on the top floor of the commercial centre. We had a great laugh in there, I met two blokes in particular, Charles and Mike they were a scream, Mike was ex Eton and boy could you tell and Charles was from the back streets of Hull, they were chalk and cheese if ever you have seen it. The three of us got on well and we drank like fish, I was just hiding the pain and I think the other two had plenty to hide too. For weeks I got up every morning and went into the resort and every night got smashed with the lads, there was no shortage of women around and I was up for anything, it was like I was on a kamikaze

601 mission to drink and shag myself to death. One night two women came into the bar, we were already well on the way by this time, I just walked up and sat on this womans knee and within seconds we were having a scream. Charles and Mike came over and the party started. We had been chatting and fooling around for a while when the head of security at the resort came into the bar and beckoned me, I walked over to him and then his face changed, the woman I was sat with was his sister and he was not impressed, he said if you go near her, I will, kill you, I assured him I had no intentions and went back to the party. Well after a few more drinks I had forgotten all about this monster and persuaded her to come back to my apartment with me for a drink on the balcony, we

were through the door and straight into bed ripping each others clothes off. When all the steam and passion had been exhausted we went back into town to catch up with the rest of them. Her friend was not amused and stormed off, so she left and the party carried on, we found some more women to flirt with.

I eventually staggered back to the apartment and put my head down for the night, I was out like a light and then I was woken by an almighty bang, the door had been kicked in, there was this figure, I silhouette that I immediately recognized, it was the security guard, he had found out about me and his sister, now I was really in the shit, I sat up on the edge of the bed with my feet on the tiled floor, bent

603 over with my elbows on my knees, I didnt stand because that was too confrontational he would have knocked me down as soon as I stood, he started ranting and raving at me but I stayed where I was. If he was going to clump me he would get no resistance, after the minute where his anger was at its height was over, the minute when if he really was going to kill me he would have done, he asked me where she was so I told him wed had a really good time, she was happy and I had taken her home in a taxi and the fact that her ugly mate wasnt happy wasnt my fault, he seemed to accept that, he turned, the danger was over, he looked back and assured me that if his sister wasnt happy and had any complaints about my behaviour he would be back and I would be shark bait. I knew he

wasnt joking, so I just prayed that when he spoke to her she was as happy as when I had left her. The door closed and I sat with a large vodka, waiting, in the hope he didnt return. He didnt.

During this time I knew exactly what I was doing in the sense I was so wounded and in real pain, I was hell bent on drowning my sorrows for my loss and on a mission to kill myself by having the biggest beano in my life. Every woman I went near I wanted acceptance, reassurance and most of all affection. One particular day I went to the beach, I sat and wallowed in my misery, I was sober, for a change as I watched the waves gently rippling into the sand in front of me, there were kids around playing and the sun was bright, it was a beautiful day and what

605 was I doing? Sitting in self-pity, thats what I was doing, sitting and feeling sorry for myself because Mum had died and left me behind. I started to think about my poor Dad, all on his own in the house that used to be full of his family all around him, it was him I should be feeling sorry for not me. As the day went by I moved up to Sinatras and sat on the terrace looking down across the coast, the more I thought, the more I felt that I should be with my Dad helping him come to terms with his loss. I realized that all the things that I had lost in recent years, the big house, the porsches, the money, everything, didnt matter a jot, what really mattered in life, was being close to the people you really love, the kids, my Dad, they were the people that really mattered. Those material things that I had lost and sent me

on a downward drinking spiral were all shit! Complete shit! What really mattered were those people that needed me. By the time the lads had arrived I had made up my mind, I was going back to England, I was going to help Dad and I was going to get off my sorry arse AND I was going to get back into the mainstream and do what I am good at. There was a big Christmas party in a couple of days so I had decided that I would stay for that and then go back and see my Dad for Christmas, if I flew on the Saturday I could be back in Harrogate on Christmas Eve.

607

Back With a Vengeance

I arrived in Harrogate via a plane, car, milk float and bus at 8pm Christmas Eve 1997, Dad was over the moon when he opened the door and I was stood on the step, he cried for an hour and so did I, we talked and talked into the early hours, he had missed me so much and I him. During that Christmas break Dad and I had some real heart to heart conversations, he persuaded me to phone Heidi and tell her I was back in the UK, she had phoned Dad every week since the death, he was very fond of her. Heidi wanted me back over there in Warrington and to be fair it seemed the right place to be because of the kids too. After Christmas was over and we had been and got Dad a dog from the RSPCA I said my farewells for the time being

and went back to Warrington. I was in touch with Dad every day by phone and every other weekend I would drive over to Harrogate and spend some time with him. Now I was back in England I needed to do something and it wasnt cleaning bloody cars, I searched the papers for jobs as soon as I arrived back with Heidi. One job I wrote for was based in Stockport and was for an account manager with a company called Hyde Burnett, they were a advertising agency, medium sized by North West standards and quite well known, I really didnt get my hopes up too much until one day the letter arrived inviting me to an interview, it was then that I thought to myself, This could just be the one. On the day of the interview I put my best shirt, tie and

609 suit on, I was very nervous, I hadnt had an interview for twenty years, eventually I decided that the suit Jacket was coming off and I was going to wear my green wax jacket as a top coat because it was January and the weather was crap, that would be my excuse if asked or there was any sign of a frown. I arrived bang on time and waited in the reception area, business hours were over, but I could see people milling about in the studio area and between the offices, one particular bloke stood out like a sore thumb, he had red hair, he was very tall and slim and wore a dicky bow, a typical ad agency toff. I sat and read the latest issue of marketing week until the bloke I have just described entered the reception area and greeted me with a firm handshake. Andrew Pendleton, pleased to

meet you, he was very well spoken and pleasant, I followed Andrew into the boardroom. After several minutes it was obvious that this bloke held me in high regard, having had an agency that he had heard of in Leeds and sold it to boot. Before long Andrew was explaining to me that there wasnt a job for a director, they wanted a manager but I was far too experienced for that, however if I was happy to take over the complete agency business development he would create a position of Business Development Director and if 25,000 a year plus expenses and a bonus of 5% of the gross profit of all new business generated would be acceptable he wanted to offer me the job. I was sitting with a smile on my face from ear to ear, I couldnt hide it although I was doing my best not to

611 look over the moon and stay very business like. I asked if I could have a coffee and time to think it over. Andrew disappeared to get the coffee whilst I gave it some thought yea right ! I would have bitten his fucking hand off, I was on my arse, I had no money, I was living for nothing with Heidi and this bloke wanted to give me all that, Fucking brilliant, Oh yea and a new company car. I must have been crimson, I was trying my hardest not to scream and laugh my head off. Andrew reappeared and we sat quiet for a minute, then I thought it might just be a good idea to ask him about the existing clients and also what sort of level of new business he would expect in the first year. Andrew thought for a second and then told me that, if in the first year we could realize 300,000 he would be

happy. I could do this standing on my head; whats more, at that level at a gross profit of fifty per cent, I could earn another seven and a half grand in bonus! This was all too much, I cant explain what that feeling was like, I wanted to scream with sheer delight! I left Andrew, very happy, he had just got himself a New Business Development Director, I left the building ecstatic, for the first time in years I laughed and laughed and laughed all the way from Stockport to Warrington.

I picked up my new 2.0 Peugeot saloon with alloy wheels the following week and started on the first week in February 1998, this was it, I had the bottle! I was back, I had been given another chance and what had happened to me in the last five years was

613 never ever going to happen to me again.or was it?

Read what happens next in Bottle 2