08/20/97 7:53 PM women are attracted to me but not all women especially weak women like the ones

whove been beaten up and abused a lot those sorts of women are attracted to tough guys Im not a tough guy so the women whore attracted to me are strong women who dont feel a strong need for a tough guy but as I was writing just before the jailer started doing the door slamming and truck starting and hood slamming and now noise from the shower some people say that some things are as good as sex but what I found is that sex isnt all that great even though I know how to please women to an extraordinary level of skill arousing them especially those women with a highly developed sex drive women who really like sex and know how to have really pleasurable sex the fucking part can be quite exceptional but what Ive learned is that it doesnt stop there it goes on forever and most of all they want to control you and then you arent free anymore and its like being suffocated I dont understand it very good but I do have two women who both seem to think they own me and can do anything they want to try to control me and that means to put me in this position of facing being severely punished by the so called justice system so when I look at all that I say to myself that I should be thankful to all those people who have combined their efforts either consciously or unconsciously to help me find and experience freedom and it never ends this finding freedom thank you Ellie it began with you in New orleans so many years ago thank you Sheila you didnt seem to know much about fucking but you sure did love me and I loved you and of course the strangest one of all Mary Helen you even told me quite directly that you were doing what you could so I could be free but now it seems that youre doing just the opposite but maybe I just dont understand

but the process is going on and shows no signs of stopping in fact it looks as though it is intensifying and about to come to a climactic point of liberation and already has I like that I like freedom I like to experience awakening of consciousness it is nice and I am very thankful I look back and I see that I was already one my way out of my marriage to Gail when I met Ellie in New Orleans and it took the combined efforts of Ellie and Sheila and Mary to force Gail out of my life I never wanted it and dint consent in anyway until it was already a done deal then of course there was the jailer and the journey to the east and the jail and the drugs and the liberation from chemical dependency which has finally been ended in phases first the journey east and the lesson then it took the Wyoming experience to break the dependency on cannabis which I really like still but no longer have any desire for daily use like I did once long ago and kept going back for more but now it seems a bit like sex its not over when you get high and feel all those pleasureable feelings that getting stoned can give like sex that isnt the whole story theres the attachment to the supplier and unpleasantness of not being high and the yearning for feeling high and not being able to feel high without a joint or a filled pipe now I am free of that because I went to Wyoming and got away from it and just like the marriage it wasnt my idea and I didnt volunteer then there was alcohol that came along when the cannabis went away nowhere near as good as feeling high but it did make me laugh and I enjoyed the relief it brought but never felt the same sort of attachment to it or any dependency except the dependency of needing it to feel good now with my escape from the salt mines of Wyoming I am very fortunate to be liberated from even alcohol so thats the way it has gone for me first their was liberation from the confinement of marriage that came because of the attraction of sex and cannabis

and psychedelic mushrooms and finally love then came liberation from sex when I ran out of money and Mary looked for greener pastures then later came liberation from marijuana with the aid of alcohol and now liberation from alcohol with nothing to help but freedom and the peace and quiet of Crestone Creek and nature and contemplation and in this environment experiences of awakening and with the realizations of awakening the realization of the role of Intent/Prajna the real mediator of liberation 08/20/97 8:19 PM now all I really care about is feeling my way along and letting the feel of the way show me where to go and what to feel and what to be aware of and all of that if you know what I mean I do like to think about where I feel prajna is attracting me the light of Intent what feels good to me is having a place to live around here by one of the creeks where I am in peace and can live alone without disturbances from anyone living in the same home like a home for one only but I also want to have the company of a woman and to feel and show love and to demonstrate love in every way I know how and to perhaps to carry on the work of freedom and liberation like I think I understand better the Buddhist claim that the Buddha in his infinite compassion for all sentient beings directed himself and his followers to the purpose of assisting in the liberation of all sentient beings now I know a little about what it takes to be free and I know that it takes having a lot of time alone and being free of chemical dependencies and being free of harassing peole who want to enslave you.