Angie Fenimores Near-Death Experience

AngieFenimore,awifeandmotherhauntedbyabuseinchildhoodand overwhelmedbydespair,wasinadesperatestateofmind.OnJanuary8,1991,she committedsuicide,hopingtoescapehersenseofemptinessandsuffering.But clinicaldeathdidntdrawhertothelightseeninsomanyneardeathexperiences. Instead,shefoundherselfinarealmofdarkness.Thehellsheexperiencedwasfar morehorrificandpersonalthantheoldfireandbrimstonemetaphors.Herhellwas arealmofterrifyingvisionsandprofoundpsychicdisconnection.Miraculously,she wasrestoredtolife:imprintedforeverwithanewsenseoffaith,ofbeingsubjectto thesacredwill,andofbeingtrulyachildofGod. Thefollowingisanexcerptfromherwonderfulbook,BeyondtheDarkness. Iwaspassingoverintoadifferentsphere.Mysoulwasdisconnectingfrommybody withahumthatkeptgrowinglouder,risingtoawhineasthevibrationofdeath pulledmedeeper. Inoticedthattherewasalargescreenbeforeme.Iwasbeingdrawnintoathree dimensionalslideshowofmylifethatplayedoutbeforemyeyeschronologically, whileIexperiencedeverypartofitfromallpointsofviewandallpointsof understanding.Iknewexactlyhoweachpersonfeltwhohadeverinteractedwith me. Inparticular,however,Iwasbeingshowninvividdetailexactlywhatmychildhood wasreallylike.Thepicturesflewpastme,butIeasilyabsorbedeverymoment,each onetriggeringanentirememoryorachunkofmylife.Sothiswaswhatpeople meantwhentheysaid,Mylifeflashedbeforemyeyes. ThecloserIcametotheendofmylife,thefasterthepicturesflewpastme.Itwas incredible!InaninstantIhadexperiencedtheentiretyofthetwentysevenyears frommybirthuntilthemomentthatIfoundmyselfdyingonthecouchandpassing intothewarmtunnel.Thenthefastmotionofmyliferushingpastandthroughme stoppedabruptly. Nowwhat? WherewasI?Iwasimmersedindarkness.Myeyesseemedtoadjust,andIcouldsee clearlyeventhoughtherewasnolight.Thedarknesscontinuedinalldirectionsand seemedtohavenoend,butitwasntjustblackness,itwasanendlessvoid,an absenceoflight.Itwascompletelyenveloping. Iswungmyheadaroundtoexplorethethickblacknessandsaw,tomyright, standingshouldertoshoulder,ahandfulofothers.Theywereallteenagers. Oh, we must be the suicides.

Withalaugh,Iopenedmymouth,butbeforeIcouldformthewords,theycame tumblingout.IwasntsurewhetherIhadthoughtthewordsorhadattemptedto saythem,buttheywereaudiblewithoutmyhavingtomovemylips.ThenIwasnt sureiftheseotherpeoplehadheardme,untiltheguynexttomeresponded. Hedidntsayawordtome.Heslowlylookeddownatmeandturnedforwardagain. Therewasabsolutelynoexpressiononhisface,nowarmthorintelligenceinhis eyes.Suspendedindarkness,heandalltheothersstoodfixedinathoughtless stupor. Secondoverfromtheotherendofthelinewasagirlwholookedtobeinherlate teens.Iwascomingtoseethatfeelingwhatsomecallintuitionorthesixthsense wasthepreferredmethodoftransferringinformationhere,whereunvoicedideas grewaudible.AsIexercisedmynewpowerofsensing/feeling,Ihadaninklingthat Iwasrememberingalongforgotten,natural,familiarskillthathadbeensupplanted orsubvertedbywords,andIquicklygrewproficientatthisnewwayofgaining knowledge. Butshedidnotconnectwithme.Heremptygaze,fixedonnothing,continued uninterruptedbymythoughtsabouther.Shewasjustliketherestofthem,staring blanklyforward,withnoconcernorcuriosityaboutwherewewere.Theywere dead,andsowasI. Suddenly,asifwehadbeenwaitingforakindofsortingprocesstotakeplace,Iwas suckedfurtherintothedarknessbyanunseenandundefinedpower,leavingthe teenagersbehind.Ilandedontheedgeofashadowyrealm,suspendedinthe darkness,extendingtothelimitsofmysight. IknewthatIwasinastateofhell,butthiswasnotthetypicalfireandbrimstone hellthatIhadlearnedaboutasayoungchild.Thewordpurgatoryrose,whispered, intomymind. Menandwomenofallages,butnochildren,werestandingorsquattingor wanderingaboutontherealm.Someweremumblingtothemselves.Thedarkness emanatedfromdeepwithinandradiatedfromtheminanauraIcouldfeel.They werecompletelyselfabsorbed,everyoneofthemtoocaughtupinhisorherown miserytoengageinanymentaloremotionalexchange.Theyhadtheabilityto connectwithoneanother,buttheywereincapacitatedbythedarkness. Igraduallybecameawareofthesoundsofakaleidoscopicflurryofvoices,andI realizedthatinthisrealm,thoughtswerethemodeofcommunication.AroundmeI couldhearthebuzzofthoughts,asifIwereinacrowdedmovietheaterwithlights downlow,pickingupthesoundsofhushedexchanges. Sittingnexttomewasamanwhoappearedtobeaboutsixtyyearsold.Thismans eyesweretotallywithoutcomprehension.Patheticallysquattingontheground, drapedinfilthywhiterobes,hewasntradiatinganything,notevenselfpity.Ifelt thathehadabsorbedeverythingtherewastoknowhereandhadchosentostop thinking.Hewascompletelydrained,justwaiting.Iknewthathissoulhadbeen

rottinghereforever.Inthisdarkprisonadaymightaswellbeathousanddaysora thousandyears. Iwassurethatthisman,likethemiddleagedwoman,hadkilledhimself.His clothingsuggestedthathemighthavewalkedtheEarthduringJesusChristsearthly ministry.IwonderedifhewasJudasIscariot,whohadbetrayedtheSaviorandthen hunghimself.IfeltthatIshouldbeembarrassedthatIwasthinkingthesethingsin hispresence,wherehecouldhearme. Asmymindreachedformoreinformation,Ifelttremendousdisappointment.I couldfeelandcompletelyknowabouteverythingaroundmejustbyposinga questioninmymindorbylookinginanydirection.Thepossibilitiesforlearning wereendless,butIhadnobooks,notelevision,nolove,noprivacy,nosleep,no friends,nolight,nogrowth,nohappiness,andnoreliefnoknowledgetogainand nowaytouseit. Butworsewasmygrowingsenseofcompletealoneness.Evenhearingthebruntof someonesanger,howeverunpleasant,isaformoftangibleconnection.Butinthis emptyworld,wherenoconnectionscouldbemade,thesolitudewasterrifying. ThenIheardavoiceofawesomepower,notloudbutcrashingovermelikea boomingwaveofsound;avoicethatencompassedsuchferociousangerthatwith oneworditcoulddestroytheuniverse,andthatalsoencompassedsuchpotentand unwaveringlovethat,likethesun,itcouldcoaxlifefromtheEarth.Icoweredatits forceandatitsexcruciatingwords: Is this what you really want? Thegreatvoiceemanatedfromapinpointoflightthatswelledwitheach thunderousworduntilithunglikearadiantsunjustbeyondtheblackwallofmist thatformedmyprison.Thoughfarmorebrilliantthatthesun,thelightsoothedmy eyeswithitsdeepandpurewhiteluminescence.Isensedthatthelightcouldnot(or perhapswouldnotIwasntsure)crossthebarrierintothedarkness.AndIknew withcompletecertaintythatIwasinthepresenceofGod. HewasaBeingofLight,notjustradiatinglightorilluminatedfromwithin,buthe almostseemedtobemadeofthelight.Itwasalightthathadsubstanceand dimension,themostbeautiful,glorioussubstancethatIhaveeverbeheld.All beauty,alllove,allgoodnesswerecontainedinthelightthatpouredforthfromthis being.Butthereisnothingthatweareevencapableofimaginingthatcomescloseto themagnitudeofperfectlovethatthisbeingpouredintome. WhileIwasnotrememberingdetailsofalifebeforemymortalbirth,Iwas reacquaintingmyselfwiththelifethatIsharedwiththeFather,aspiritlifethat seemedtoextendtothebeginningoftheuniverse. IcouldseethatnoneoftheothersintherealmwereawareofGodspresence.The mancoweringnexttomecouldseethatIwasfocusedonsomething,butitwas apparentthathecouldntseeanythingbeyondthebarrier.Otherscontinuedto babbleunaware.

ThenGodspoketome.Hiswordswereexcruciating: Is this what you really want? Dont you know that this is the worst thing you could have done?

Icouldfeelhisangerandfrustration,bothbecauseIdthrowninthetoweland becauseIhadcutmyselfofffromhimandfromhisguidance. AndIdfelttrapped.IhadbeenabletoseenootherchoicebuttodiebeforeIcould doanymoredamageinlife.SoIanswered: But my life is so hard.

MythoughtswerecommunicatedsofastthattheywerentevencompletedbeforeI absorbedhisresponse: You think that was hard? It is nothing compared to what awaits you if you take your life.

WhentheFatherspoke,eachofhiswordsexplodedintoacomplexofmeanings,like fireworks,tinyballsoflightthateruptedintoabillionbitsofinformation,fillingme withstreamsofvividtruthandpureunderstanding. Lifes supposed to be hard. You cant skip over parts. We have all done it. You must earn what you receive.

SuddenlyIfeltanotherpresence,thesamepresencethathadbeenwithmewhenI firstcrossedoverintodeathandwhohadreviewedmylifewithme.Irecognized thathehadbeenwithusthewholetime,butthatIwasonlynowabletoperceive him.ThenIdsensedhispowerful,yetgentlepersonality,butnowIcouldfeelhimso stronglythatIcouldevenascertainhisshape.WhatIcouldseewerebitsoflight comingthroughthedarkness,liketinylaserbeamspinprickingablacksheetorlike starspeepingthroughtheblacknessofacloudlessnight.Thislightwasofthesame brillianceasthegloriouslightthatemanatedfromtheFather,butmyspiritualeyes wereincapableoffullybeholdingit.Myabilitytoseewithmyeyeswassomehow linkedtomywillingnesstobelieve. Theraysoflightpenetratedmewithincredibleforce,withthepowerofanall consuminglove.ThislovewasaspureandpotentastheFathers,butithadan entirelynewdimensionofpurecompassion,ofcompleteandperfectempathy.Ifelt thathenotonlyunderstoodmylifeandmypainsexactly,asifhehadactuallylived mylife,butthathekneweverythingabouthowtoguidemethroughit;howmy differentchoicescouldproduceeithermorebitternessornewgrowth.Having thoughtallmylifethatnoonecouldpossiblyunderstandwhatIhadbeenthrough,I wasnowawarethattherewasoneotherpersonwhotrulydid. Throughthisempathyranadeepveinofsorrow.Heached,hetrulygrievedforthe painIhadendured,butevenmoreformyfailuretoseekhiscomfort.Hisgreatest

desirewastohelpme.Hemournedmyblindnessasamotherwouldmournadead child.SuddenlyIknewthatIwasinthepresenceoftheredeemeroftheworld. Hespokethroughtheveilofdarkness: Dont you understand? I have done this for you. AsIwasfloodedwithhisloveandwiththepainthatheboreforme,myspiritual eyeswereopened.InthatmomentIbegantoseeexactlywhatitwasthattheSavior haddone,howhehadsacrificedforme.Heshowedme;Hehadtakenmeinto himself,subsumedmylifeinhis,embracingmyexperiences,mysufferings,ashis own.AndsoforasecondIwaswithinhisbody,abletoseethingsfromhispointof viewandtoexperiencehisselfawareness.HeletmeinsoIcouldseeformyselfhow hehadtakenonmyburdensandhowmuchloveheboreme. AndIknewwhereIhadgonewrong.Ihaddoubtedhisexistence.Ihadquestioned theauthenticityofthescripturesbecausewhattheyclaimedseemedtoogoodtobe true.IhadhopedthattherewastruthtoideaofaSaviorwhohadgivenhislifefor me,butIhadbeenafraidtobelieve.Tobelievewithoutseeingrequiresagreatdeal oftrust.MytrusthadbeenviolatedsomanytimesinmylifethatIhadlittletospare. AndsoIhadclungtomypainsotightlythatIwaswillingtoendmyliferatherthan unburdenmyselfandactonthechancethataSaviorexisted.Hewantedtocomfort andholdme,butwewereseparatedbymyresponsestothelessonsoflife.Hehad beenthereformeallthroughmylife,butIhadnottrustedhim. AsIwatchedfromtheSaviorsperspective,hisuniquecomprehensionofmy predicamentwastransferredtotheFather.FrommynewperspectiveIsawGodin profileashewaslookingatmyform.TheFatherandhisSonscommunicationwas sorapid,soperfect,thattheyseemedtothinkeachothersthoughtsinunison.Jesus waspleadingmycase.Therewasnoconflictorargumenthere;Jesusunderstanding wasacceptedwithoutdisputebecausehehadallthefacts.Hewastheperfectjudge. HeknewpreciselywhereIstoodinrelationtomyneedformercyandtheuniverses needforjustice.NowIcouldseethatallthesufferinginmymortallifewouldbe temporary,andthatitwasformygood.OursufferingsonEarthneednotbefutile. Outofthemosttragicofcircumstancesspringshumangrowth. AsGodtheFatherandJesuswereteachingme,theirwordspickedupspeedand powerandthenmerged,sothattheyweresayingthesamethingsinthesame moment.Theysharedonevoice,onemind,andthepurpose,andIwasdelugedwith pureknowledge. Ilearnedthatjustastherearelawsofnature,ofphysicsandprobability,thereare lawsofspirit.Oneofthesespirituallawsisthatapriceofsufferingmustbepaidfor everyactofharm.IwaspainfullyawareofthesufferingIhadcausedmyfamilyand otherpeoplebecauseofmyweaknesses.ButnowIsawthatbyendingmylife,Iwas destroyingthewebofconnectionsofpeopleonEarth,possiblydrasticallyaltering thelivesofmillions,forallofusareinseparablylinked,andthenegativeimpactof onedecisionhascapacitytobefeltthroughoutworld.

Mychildrenwouldbegravelyharmedbymysuicide.Iwasgivenaglimpseoftheir future,nottheeventsoftheirlivesbutratherenergy,andthecharacterthattheir liveswouldhave.Byabandoningmyearthlyresponsibilities,Iwouldinfluencemy children,myoldestsoninparticular,tomakechoicesthatwouldleadhimaway fromhisdivinepurpose.BeforeAlexwasborn,Iwastold,hehadagreedtoperform specifictasksduringhislifeonEarth.Hisdutywasnotrevealedtome,butIfeltthe energythathislifewouldhaveupuntilhisyoungadultyears. Iwastoldthatmychildrenweregreatandpowerfulspiritsandthatuptothispoint inmylife,Ihadnotdeservedthem.IcaughtaglimpseofhowdeeplyGodlovesmy boys,andhow,withmycallousdisregardfortheirwelfare,Iwastamperingwiththe sacredwillofGod. ThenIwasshownhowIwouldharmotherpeople,suchasmyhusbandandsister, Tony,bytakingmylife;andbyextension,countlessothers.Therewerepeopleon EarthwhomIwouldnevermeetwhowouldbeaffectedbymysuicide.Becauseof theangerandpainIwouldcausethem,mylovedoneswouldbeunabletostoreup thegoodnessthattheyweremeanttopassontoothers.Iwouldbeheldresponsible forthedamagesorlackofgoodtheywoulddowhileimmersedinthepainofmy selfishdeath.AndIwouldpaydearlyforit,sincespirituallawsdictatethatallofthe harm,includinglackofgood,stemmingfrommydeathbepunishedbyameasureof suffering.EventhoughIcouldntforeseetherippleeffectmydeathwouldcause,I wouldbeheldaccountable.Godhimselfisboundbyspirituallaw,andsotherecould benoescapeforme. AndIwasshownthatforme,therealmofdarknesswasspiritualtimeout,aplace whereIwassupposedtograspthegravityofmyoffensesandtopaytheprice.ButI hadtoask,whyme?WhywasitthatIcouldseeGodwhilethevacanthuskofaman nexttomecouldnot?WhywasIabsorbinglightandbeingtaught,whilehewas hunkeringdowninmiseryanddarkness? Iwastoldthatthereasoniswillingness.WhenIfirstlookedatthatmanand wonderedifhehadbeenaliveduringtheministryofJesus,thequestionshowed thatIwaswillingtobelieveinGod,willingtobelievethatChristoncewalkedthe Earth.AndonceIwaswillingtobelieve,Iwasabletosee.Willingnessandability aresamething.Allaroundmeonthedarkrealmwerepeopleofvaryingdegreesof willingness,ofunderstanding,ofabilitytoseethatJesusChristwastherewithus thewholetime.IdontknowiftheothersweretalkingtoGodasIwasorifthey weretalkingtoothermessengersoflightthatIwasnotyetcapableofseeing,but Imsurethatnotallofthemwerejustmumblingtothemselves.AndIcouldseethat myspiritualtimeoutcouldhavelastedamoment,oritcouldhavetakenme thousandsofyearstoprogressoutofthatdarkprison,dependingonwhenIreached thepointofwillingnesstoseethelight. AndwhataboutthespirituallawthatrequiredmetosufferforthedamageIhad doneinlife,upuntilandincludingmysuicide?Iwastoldthatthedebthadbeen paid,thatthesacrificehadalreadybeenmade.IntheGardenofGethsemane,Jesus Christhadexperiencedallthesufferingthathasoreverwilltakeplaceinlifeofany

humanonthisEarth.Heexperiencedmylife,heboremysins,heacceptedmygrief. ButinorderfortheagonythatJesusenduredonmybehalftocount,inorderforhim totakemyplaceinfulfillingthatspirituallaw,Ihadtoaccepthisgift. MyheartbrokeasIrealizedthatIhadbeennotonlyhurtingmyfamily,whoare belovedchildrenofGod,butalsocausingmySavior,whohadsuchallencompassing loveandcompassionforme,tosufferallbecauseIhadallowedmyselftobe moldedbyotherpeoplesweaknesses. Nowmyperceptionwasshifting,andthedarknessseemedtoliftslightly.WhenI firstenteredthedarkprison,myvisiontookinonlythethingsandthepeopleinthe realmofdarkness.ButonceIhadtakenenoughlightinfromGodandJesus,my spiritualeyeswereopenedtoanotherdimensioninthedarkness.NowIcouldsee thatBeingsofLightwereallaroundme. Hell,whilealsoaspecificdimension,isastateofmind.Whenwedie,wearebound bywhatwethink.Inmortalitythemoresolidourthoughtsbecome,asweactupon themallowingdarknesstodevelopinothersandinourselvesthemoredamning theyare.IhadbeeninhelllongbeforeIdied,andIhadntrealizeditbecauseIhad escapedmanyoftheconsequencesupuntilthepointthatItookmylife.Butwhen wedie,ourstateofmindgrowsfarmoreobviousbecausewearegatheredtogether withthosewhothinkaswedo.Thisorderingisnaturalandconsistentwithhowwe choosetolivewhileweareinthisworld.Ourtimeisbutaheartbeatintheeternal schemeofcreation,andyetitisthecrucialmomentoftruth,theturningpoint.It determineshowourspiritswillexistforever,intoboththefutureandthepast. Iwasbecominglessandlessapartoftheplaceofdarknesswitheachparticleof lightthatIaccepted.Ihadntfeltmyselfliftoffthesurface,butnowIwashovering abovethefieldofdarkness,intotherealmofthescurryingspiritsoflight. Icouldfeeltheurgencyinthespiritswhowerescurryingabouttodotheworkof God.IwastoldthatweareinthefinalmomentsbeforetheSaviorwillreturnto Earth.IwastoldthatthewarbetweendarknessandlightuponEarthhasgrownso intensethatifwearenotcontinuallyseekinglight,thedarknesswillconsumeus andwewillbelost.Iwasnottoldwhenitwouldhappen,butIunderstoodthat EarthisbeingpreparedforthesecondcomingofChrist.Ilookeddownatthe patheticsoulsandrealizedthatInolongerfeltastheydid.Iwantedtolive. Thenthepowerfulenergysourcethathadtransportedmetothedarkprison returnedtoliberateme.Forasplitsecondarushingsensationengulfedme.The darknessspedpast,andsuddenlyIwasbackinmybody,lyingonthecouch. When the heart weeps for what it has lost, the soul laughs for what it has found. Sufi aphorism