The Secret of Monkey Island

TheSecretOfMonkeyIslandAdaptedforthestagebyPeterKimballEvans2011www.castlecake.co.
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The Secret Of Monkey Island FINAL VERSION - Adapted for the stage by Peter Kimball-Evans www.castlecake.co.uk Cast GUYBRUSH Threepwood OLD MAN MANCOMB Seepgood PIRATE 1 PIRATE 2 LECHUCK BONE Pirate SHERIFF Shinetop Voodoo LADY ELAINE Marley CARLA HERMAN Toothrot Elliot Leaver (12) David Lewis (3) Michael Relph (3) Andrew Horigan (5) Zoe Cotton (3) James Bonser (3) Kate Williams (3) James Bonser (3) Patrick McHugh (2) Kate Williams (2) Alex Diaper (3) Zoe Cotton (3)
Scene Index Scene 1 Page 2 - Melee Island Lookout

GUYBRUSH, OLD MAN
Scene 2 Page 2 SCUMM Bar

GUYBRUSH, MANCOMB, PIRATE 1, PIRATE 2
Scene 3 Page 5 LeChuck's ship

LECHUCK, BONE
Scene 4 Page 6 Melee Town

GUYBRUSH, PIRATE 1, PIRATE 2, SHERIFF
Scene 5 Page 7 House of Voodoo

GUYBRUSH, LADY
Scene 6 Page 8 Governor's Mansion

GUYBRUSH, SHERIFF, ELAINE, PIRATE 1, PIRATE 2
Scene 7 Page 12 Melee Town / Carla's Place

GUYBRUSH, OLD MAN, CARLA
Scene 8 Page 14 SCUMM Bar

GUYBRUSH, MANCOMB, PIRATE 1, CARLA
Scene 9 Page 16 Governor's Mansion

GUYBRUSH, OLD MAN, CARLA, LADY
Scene 10 Page 18 LeChuck's Ship

LECHUCK, SHERIFF, BONE
Scene 11 Page 19 Monkey Island Beach

GUYBRUSH, HERMAN
Scene 12 Page 20 Giant Monkey Head

GUYBRUSH, BONE
Scene 13 Page 21 - Monkey Island Beach

GUYBRUSH, HERMAN
Scene 14 Page 22 Melee Island Church

GUYBRUSH, LECHUCK, MANCOMB, ELAINE, PIRATE 1
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Prologue An OLD MAN wearing thick spectacles is looking out over SCENE 1 Mle Island in the middle of the night. OLD MAN Deep in the Caribbean, the island of Mle. Our hero, GUYBRUSH Threepwood, appears and greets the OLD MAN. GUYBRUSH Hi! My name's GUYBRUSH Threepwood, and I want to be a pirate! OLD MAN Yikes! Don't sneak up on me like that! I was starting my monologue. Ah! Well, then, Triftweed-I see. So, you want to be a pirate, eh? You look more like a flooring inspector. But if you're serious about pirating, go talk to the pirate leaders. You'll find them in the Scumm Bar.
GUYBRUSH Er... I'm over this way. OLD MAN OLD MAN GUYBRUSH THREEPWOOD. GUYBRUSH THREEPWOOD.
GUYBRUSH Gosh, thanks! I'll do that! Bye, now. I'm off to seek my fortune. OLD MAN OLD MAN Good Luck. Guybrush leaves the scene The winds must be blowing over from Monkey Island, there is definitely something ominous looming. I can feel it in my waters, a story of heroism, cunning, love, and danger. UhhI should probably see the doctor about that. End Scene
SCENE 2
The SCUMM Bar (A wretched hive of scum and piracy). Inside is MANCOMB Seepgood by the door and the three PIRATE LEADERS on the other side of the room. Nobody notices GUYBRUSH enter. Guybrush Threepwood? Ha ha ha!!! That's the stupidest name I've ever heard! My name is Mancomb Seepgood. So, what brings you to Mle Island anyway? Oh really? You should go talk to the important-looking pirates across the bar. They're pretty much in charge around here. They can tell you where to go and what to do. HAR HAR HAR HARRR! Heavens no! Governor Marley has laws in
GUYBRUSH (To MANCOMB) Hi, I'm Guybrush Threepwood. I wanna beMANCOMB
GUYBRUSH Well, what's YOUR name? MANCOMB
GUYBRUSH I want to be a pirate! MANCOMB
GUYBRUSH So, those guys are in charge of Mle Island? MANCOMB
place to regulate the distribution of Grog. Only place to have it on Mle Island is the SCUMM Bar! Yarr! GUYBRUSH Should I see the Governor about becoming a pirate? MANCOMB The Governor's mansion is on the other side of town. But pirates aren't as welcome around there as they used to be. Well, the last time the Governor had a pirate over for dinner, he fell in love with her. He went to the Governor's for dinner and never wanted to leave. She told him to drop dead. So he did. Then things really got ugly. LeChuck was a fearsome pirate. He tried to impress the Governor by sailing off to find THE SECRET OF MONKEY ISLAND. But a mysterious storm came up and sank his ship, leaving no survivors. We thought that was the end of the fearsome pirate LeChuck. We were wrong. He still sails the waters between here and Monkey Island. His ghost ship is an unholy terror upon the sea. That's why we're all in here and not out pirating. HAR HAR HAR! That's it lad, keep it up! Ye salty young barnacle! Don't mind me, I'll be a-tendin' to my grog! Har har harrrrr! GUYBRUSH leaves MANCOMB and crosses the scene to the three PIRATE LEADERS PIRATE 1 What ye be wantin' boy? GUYBRUSH I want to be a pirate. PIRATE 1 ...So what? PIRATE 2 Why bother us? PIRATE 1 Do you have any special skills? GUYBRUSH I can hold my breath underwater for ten minutes! PIRATE 1 Well, alright. But you don't become a pirate just by ASKING. PIRATE 2 You'll have to go throughPIRATES 1,2 THE THREE TRIALS!
GUYBRUSH Why not? MANCOMB
GUYBRUSH What's so scary about this guy if he's dead? MANCOMB
GUYBRUSH Well it was nice talking to you anyway. Uhh, Arrr! Hehe.. MANCOMB
GUYBRUSH Er... which three trials are those? PIRATE 2 They're the trials every pirate must pass. You must prove yourself in each of these three areas: swordplay, thievery, and, er, treasure huntery; then return with proof that you've done them. PIRATE 1 And then ye must drink GROG with us! ALL PIRATES GROG!!
GUYBRUSH So swordplay first? PIRATE 2 AYE! First, get ye a sword. You must seek out and defeat the Sword Master of Melee Island GUYBRUSH Sword master, got it. And the thievery? PIRATE 2 We want ye to procure a small item for us... PIRATE 1 The idol o' many hands! PIRATE 2 In the governor's mansion. The Governor keeps the idol safe in the mansion just outside of town. PIRATE 1 You'll have to think of your own way to sneak in. One does not simply walk into the Governor's Mansion. PIRATE 2 -NaturallyPIRATE 1 -NaturallyPIRATE 2 -Yar. PIRATE 1 I'm sure your limited mental mass is able to recall that the third trial was the noble quest of treasure huntery. PIRATE 2 Buried or maliciously acquired. We really don't mindPIRATE 1 BURIED, naturally. And buried only. More specifically, THE LOST TREASURE OF MELEE ISLAND. PIRATE 2 And don't forget: 'X' marks the spot! PIRATES 1,2 Har Har Har!
GUYBRUSH I'll just be on my way now. PIRATE 2 Aye, leave us to our Grog. PIRATES 1,2 GROG! All pirates raise their pitchers and drink heartily while GUYBRUSH makes his exit. MANCOMB notices GUYBRUSH passing and catches GUYBRUSH's attention. MANCOMB You really think you have what it takes to become a pirate? Good on ye lad! It's a rough sea at first. Mayhaps I can help with the trials. Aye, have yet to complete them though. Found the SCUMM bar and well, you know- still getting the rounds in!
GUYBRUSH Have you taken the pirate trials? MANCOMB
GUYBRUSH You think you could help me with my trials while you wet your whistle? MANCOMB SURE! Ye be needing a treasure map to find the lost treasure of Melee Island?
GUYBRUSH You know, forget that. I think I'll go straight for the SECRET OF MONKEY ISLAND MANCOMB You're not scared by LeChuck? GUYBRUSH I laugh at his particular brand of wretched villainy.
Hahaha! MANCOMB The last man to laugh at LeChuck found himself in the icy cold waters around Melee Island. The Sheriff says there was no sign of LeChuck at the scene, and that he must be operating with strong, scary voodoo, from his hidden stronghold in Monkey Island. These islands are teeming with voodoo spirits, ancient curses, and powers far beyond our comprehension!
GUYBRUSH Voodoo? MANCOMB
GUYBRUSH Well is there any help I can get to protect myself from him when I look for the SECRET OF MONKEY ISLAND? MANCOMB If you're that sure set on getting yourself killed, you may as well go to the International House Of Voodoo. You'll need a ticket to get in. Here, have mine. GUYBRUSH is handed the ticket MANCOMB SHE may help prolong your undoubtedly messy demise. GUYBRUSH Messy, really? That hardly fills me with confidence. You sure I can take your ticket? MANCOMB It's alright lad, they're handed out these tickets with every two-hundredth tankard of grog.
GUYBRUSH Two-hundred tankards of Grog? How long have you been on this quest? MANCOMB Har har HAAAA!!! TWO DAYS! (Laughs himself to the floor where he instantly passes out into a boozy snore) GUYBRUSH leaves the SCUMM Bar. End scene
SCENE 3
Deep beneath Monkey Island, the ghost pirate LECHUCK's ship lies anchored in a river of lava. LECHUCK is standing on his room while a bone pirate approaches. Captain LECHUCK...sir...I... Ah... There's nothin' like it here, my ghost ship docked in the fiery lavas below Monkey Island, the hot winds of hell blowin' in your face. No sir... Nothing like it... Ah... Sir... I... (turns around) It's days like this that makes you glad to be dead. Oh yes sir... glad to be dead... You are glad to be dead, RIGHT? Oh yes sir. I feel so lucky that you happened to capture my ship, then murdered me and everyone on board... ...yes sir... lucky. Glad to hear it. Now what was it you disturbed me for?
BONE LECHUCK
BONE LECHUCK BONE LECHUCK BONE
LECHUCK
BONE LECHUCK
Ah...yes sir...well, you see, we might have a problem on Mle Island. PROBLEM?!? What possible problem could there be!? I've got those sissy pirates so scared of the sea they're afraid to take a bath! Well... There seems to be a new pirate in town. Actually, he's a pirate wannabe. Young. Inexperienced. Probably nothing to worry 'bout. Don't know why I bothered you with it. Just forget I even bothered you (about to leave) Wait! This will need to be handled at once! My plans are too important to be messed up by amateurs. I'll go and sort it out at once. No. I'll take care of this one personally. Go prepare the ship for departure. Right away, sir! They both exit hurridly. End Scene
BONE
LECHUCK BONE LECHUCK BONE
SCENE 4
GUYBRUSH is in Melee Town, on his way to the International House Of Voodoo. PIRATE 1 and PIRATE 2 are struggling with moving a large barrel. When they notice GUYBRUSH, they instantly 'play cool', as if they weren't trying to shift it.
GUYBRUSH Hi. You need a hand withPIRATE 1 (PIRATE 1 pulls out a red fish and waves it in from of GUYBRUSH) What's this? GUYBRUSH What's that? PIRATE 1 You'll be needing it for the trials! GUYBRUSH Oh no I won't. That's a red herring! What's in that barrel? PIRATE 1 (with PIRATE 2) Rum. PIRATE 2 (with PIRATE 1) Jam. Awkward pause, the PIRATEs look at each other PIRATE 1 (with PIRATE 2) Jam. PIRATE 2 (with PIRATE 1) Rum. The pirates look at each other again PIRATE 2 Er... rum and jam. It's an old pirate favourite, everybody knows that. GUYBRUSH Wait a minute, that's a barrel of GROG! Governor Marley has laws in place to stop the unlicensed distribution of GROG across the island! PIRATE 1 (Draws his cutlass, and advances threateningly on GUYBRUSH) Well this here is MY licence, Mr Threepwood. (Holding the sword to GUYBRUSH's neck)
GUYBRUSH (Stern with strong eye contact) Well it seems I have no choice... (Takes the cutlass from PIRATE 1, who happily returns to the barrel, GUYBRUSH inspects the sword) How could I say no to such a fine looking cutlass! PIRATE 1 Just as long as there's no more trouble Guybrunt. PIRATE 2 Best o' luck with the rest of your quests Mr Eastwood!! The two PIRATEs lug the barrel offstage. GUYBRUSH Awesome, now I can take on the Melee Island Swordmaster! I'm sure this'll also come in handy with that itch on the small of my back. SHERIFF SHERIFF (From off stage, behind GUYBRUSH) Do you feel lucky, punk? (Enters quietly and jabs a gun into GUYBRUSH's back) So, you're going to give me a little attitude, eh? I'd better get your name. Listen Peepwood, I'm the sheriff around here. Sheriff Fester Shinetop. Take it from me- This is a bad time to be visiting Mle Island. A very BAD time. My advice to you is to find somewhere else to take your vacation. (walks away) Little man. (Exits) GUYBRUSH What?
GUYBRUSH I'm Guybrush Threepwood, and I'm a mighty pirate. SHERIFF
GUYBRUSH (notices the international house of voodoo) This must be The International House Of Voodoo. Looks touristy. GUYBRUSH enters the International House Of Voodoo. End Scene.
SCENE 5
The International House Of Voodoo. There are many voodoo based objects around the room, some gross, some mysterious, and some bizarre. The throne-like chair is at the back of the room, and a fake chicken is displayed on a small table.
GUYBRUSH This Voodoo hoodoo gives me the heebee jeebees... (He picks up the rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle from the table). Maybe no one will miss just this one thing. (Voodoo Lady appears as if by magic) LADY LADY What may I help you with, son? ah... I sense the guilt of stealing my chicken grows. Take it. It's yours. GUYBRUSH Uhh... How much for this keen-looking chicken?
GUYBRUSH Why don't you want it? Is it jinxed with an ancient voodoo curse? LADY LADY No... the pulley squeaks. Wait... ...don't say anything. I can sense your name GUYBRUSH Thanks. My name is-
is... ...is... ...GUYBRUSH... ...GUYBRUSH Nosehair. No... ...Threepwood. GUYBRUSH Threepwood. Am I not right? GUYBRUSH Lucky guess. Half the people in the audience are named Guybrush. LADY I suggest you open your mind. It will help you in your coming journey. I am getting a vision... ...I see you taking a voyage, a long voyage. I see you captaining a ship. I see... I see a giant monkey. I see you inside the giant monkey. Wait... it is all becoming clear. Your journey will have many parts. You will see things better left unseen. You will hear things better left unheard. You will learn things better left unlearned. NO! The time is not right to know. When you know your purpose, come see me... ...I will let you know then.
GUYBRUSH Journey? What can you tell me about my journey? LADY
GUYBRUSH Yeah! LADY LADY LADY LADY GUYBRUSH What? See what? GUYBRUSH Yikes! GUYBRUSH Gross!
GUYBRUSH What kind of things? I hate surprises. LADY
GUYBRUSH Oh, wait! Before I go back outside, can you tell me what is up with that Sheriff Shinetop guy? He's kind of got me scared to go outside again. LADY Guybrush, Sheriff Shinetop is a dark character. I haven't managed to make a proper reading on his soul yet. We used to have a fair, decent man for a sheriff- but he was discovered bereft of life in the icy waters around Melee Island. Fear not, Guybrush. Our new Sheriff is kept in check by the Governor. Melee is fortunate to have her in charge. You're getting to know the island already, that's good. Keep your head about you Guybrush, you will be tested shortly before your trials end! VOODOO LADY seems to disappear GUYBRUSH Yikes! End Scene
GUYBRUSH Governor Marley? LADY
SCENE 6
GUYBRUSH approaches the Governor's mansion.
GUYBRUSH The Governor's mansion! It seems to be completely unguarded,

these trials are going to be easier than I thought! (SHERIFF Shinetop sneaks in behind GUYBRUSH and watches him enter the mansion) SHERIFF This looks like a job for Fester Shinetop. (Follows GUYBRUSH into the mansion) The following scene takes place in a blackout GUYBRUSH This must be the idol! (CREAK OPEN) It's BEAUTIFUL! SHERIFF Not so fast! GUYBRUSH Eek! Put that down, you don't want to hit me with THAT! Aaaaagh! THWACK! CLANG! ...silence... GUYBRUSH strolls onto the stage, lights up. GUYBRUSH walks out with the idol. GUYBRUSH Phew! That was a close one. At least I got the idol. SHERIFF SHERIFF (Appearing from offstage) I'm not done with you yet! Thought you could get away with the Idol o' Many Hands, did you? So can I -Broke into the Governor's house-and stole one of her most valuable pieces of art! Oh really? Well, let's hear your explanation. Ha! Suddenly, Governor ELAINE Marley appears. Staggeringly beautiful dressed in formal pirate attire. ELAINE SHERIFF ELAINE SHERIFF ELAINE SHERIFF ELAINE What's going on here Fester? I caught this hoodlum making off with your idol, Governor. He says the pirate leaders told him to do it! The real question is, how did he get in here while you were on guard? I... Uh... Just go away, Fester. I can handle this. Hmpf! (leaves, then talks to GUYBRUSH) I'll deal with you later. (exits) Sorry about him. He's new. I'm Governor Marley... Governor Elaine Marley. So, the pirate leaders made you do it, eh? Relax, Mr Threepwood. My lookout told me of your arrival. I've wanted to meet you ever since I heard your fascinating GUYBRUSH Uh oh!
GUYBRUSH Look, I can explain... SHERIFF SHERIFF SHERIFF SHERIFF GUYBRUSH The door was unlocked! GUYBRUSH No, you've got it all wrong! GUYBRUSH The pirate leaders told me to do it!
GUYBRUSH Gee... ELAINE
name. Tell me, Guybrush, why do you want to be a pirate? You don't look like one. Your face is too... ...sweet. GUYBRUSH Jeepers.... ELAINE I see... Well, you're obviously not in the mood for idle chitchat, are you? I suppose you've got many more exciting things to do. I won't take up any more of your time, Mr. Threepwood. ELAINE exits. GUYBRUSH Bgglw! Mfrnkf? Dmnkly... -sigh- I really wish I knew how to talk to women. GUYBRUSH begins to leave, but is confronted by the SHERIFF. SHERIFF SHERIFF Where do you think you're going, Threepwood? Oh really? I know a really safe locker you could put it in... Davey Jones' Locker!!! Hand over your sword. GUYBRUSH hands over his sword and is tied up with thick rope, the other end attached to the idol. SHERIFF Shinetop digs GUYBRUSH's cutlass into his back. They walk to the edge of the stage. GUYBRUSH Who'd have guessed there was cliff here with a sheer drop into the icy waters around Melee Island... SHERIFF This is the end of the road, my little pantalooned pal. My plans for the Governor are far too important and much too near completion to risk letting a would-be pirate like you get in the way. So long, Mr. Spicecake, or Droopface, or whatever your name is. The Sheriff kicks the idol down, and Guybrush is pulled down into the sea/offstage. SHERIFF Hmmm... This might actually turn out to be a pretty good day. (leaves) GUYBRUSH I'm going to put this idol in my safe-deposit box.
GUYBRUSH Uh oh.
GUYBRUSH WOW. WHAT A VIEW! Good thing there was this ledge here, but the idol is too heavy to climb with, and I'm tied to it. If only Shinetop didn't take my sword... PIRATE 1 and PIRATE 2 enter and stand above the cliff edge. PIRATE 1 Thanks for helping me move that Grog. PIRATE 2 It's all right. I'm just glad Shinetop wasn't around. PIRATE 1 Shame that Otis and that Meathook guy tried to rat us out to the Sheriff. Stupid little prigs. If they didn't kick off about us, I wouldn't have had to cut 'em! PIRATE 2 Yeah, shame you had to cut Otis and Meathook. Must have been easy with such a big knife! PIRATE 1 Yeah. What should I do with it? PIRATE 2 Get rid of it!
PIRATE 1 I'll throw it over this cliff! PIRATE 2 No, don't do that! PIRATE 1 Why not? I need to ditch it! PIRATE 2 It might wash up somewhere! PIRATE 1 Why do I care? My prints won't be on it! I'm throwing it in! (A brief pause) ...naaaah. I might need it. See you. PIRATE 2 See you. The two PIRATEs leave. After another short while... GUYBRUSH I take it they didn't throw the knife down. Darn... ELAINE enters ELAINE ELAINE GUYBRUSH? You're alive! The tied up idol is thrown up to ELAINE who begins pulling GUYBRUSH up. ELAINE ELAINE Hey, you can talk! Who'd have known? I came back to save your life. Fester wasn't acting on MY orders when he threw you down there. GUYBRUSH What are YOU doing here? GUYBRUSH Governor! GUYBRUSH Catch this idol and pull me up!
GUYBRUSH That rotten, conniving jack-a-ninny. If he didn't take my sword I'd show him a thing. Or maybe two things! ELAINE Oh, this was your sword? (produces GUYBRUSH's cutlass) thought it was just some discarded child's plaything. I
GUYBRUSH I feel like a discarded plaything, a nobody, a would-be pirate. ELAINE steps closer to GUYBRUSH GUYBRUSH Who would have known, or even cared, if you'd let me die? ELAINE ELAINE ELAINE ELAINE ELAINE ELAINE I would have, Guybrush. (walks closer) Oh, Threepwood... (walks closer) Oh, Guybrush! (walks closer) Sugar boots! (walks closer) Plunder bunny! (turns away) No! We musn't! GUYBRUSH (walks away) Oh, Governor... GUYBRUSH (walks closer) Oh, Elaine! GUYBRUSH (walks closer) Love muffin! GUYBRUSH (walks closer) Honey pumpkin! GUYBRUSH Kiss me!
GUYBRUSH What? ELAINE ELAINE Not here, where everyone can see us. No, no, it's not that at all... Many of these pirates have made advances toward me. I've always told them that my father made me promise never to fall in love with a pirate. If they see us together, they'll know I was lying. Okay. (Starts to walk away) But finish your trials first. I don't want you to be... preoccupied. ELAINE exits GUYBRUSH I feel this sudden urge to complete the trials... quickly. GUYBRUSH exits. End Scene. GUYBRUSH Why, are you ashamed of me?
GUYBRUSH Okay then, let's go inside. ELAINE
GUYBRUSH But...
SCENE 7 OLD MAN
Outside Melee Town. The OLD MAN stops GUYBRUSH passing Ah, Mister Thistleweed!
GUYBRUSH Hey, do you happen to know the way to the Swordmaster of Melee Island? OLD MAN Only I know the Sword Master's secret whereabouts. From my lookout point I get a clear view into the clearing where the house is. On a clear day I can see the Sword Master's underwear between the trees... Well I really must get back to what could be happening when I wasn't for the Governor's Grog to leave the island unguarded. Master, no problem! my lookout. Goodness knows take my Grog breaks. If it licensing laws, I never have I'll take you to the Sword
GUYBRUSH Thanks... Would you mind showing me how to get there? OLD MAN
GUYBRUSH Thanks! The two exit, scene shifts to outside Sword Master's house. GUYBRUSH is following the OLD MAN OLD MAN OLD MAN Alright Guythrush-This is it. You'd better hang back. If the swordmaster knows I'm revealing this secret location, I'll be dead! OLD MAN approaches the Sword Master's door. He knocks. While he waits he grooms himself subtly, and pulls a flower from about his person. CARLA appears at the door, brandishing a sword. She is dressed as a well-travelled pirate rogue. She sees the OLD MAN, looks peeved, and puts the sword away.
GUYBRUSH Eh. Close enough.
OLD MAN CARLA
Hello again, Carla I thought I told you to get lost. Take a hike and don't come out here again. Someone might follow you, and then I'd become another Mle Island tourist attraction. Hey, it's your loss, baby. Yeah, right. Now SCRAM. OLD MAN leaves. As he passes GUYBRUSH he talks without revealing that he knows GUYBRUSH is there.
GUYBRUSH The Sword Master is a woman?
OLD MAN CARLA
OLD MAN
She's all yours. Hehehe. The OLD MAN exits. GUYBRUSH leaves his cover and knocks on CARLA's door. She answers but doesn't put her sword away.
CARLA
How dare you approach the Sword Master without permission... Which I surely didn't give you.
GUYBRUSH Hi, My name is Guybrush Threepwood, and I'm selling these fine leather jackets CARLA Do you have one in size 10? Wait you're not really a jacket salesman! You're here to prove yourself to the Pirate Leaders, in hopes of one day being as immoral as they are. Let's get this over with. They take duelling stances, GUYBRUSH acting very amateur. CARLA You should know that my wisest enemies run at the very sight of me! Not familiar with fighting etiquette? To be honest, this is my first ever sword
GUYBRUSH Yep, nailed right on the head... CARLA
GUYBRUSH What? CARLA GUYBRUSH No actually. fight. CARLA
What? I could kill you you know! Just start some better rapport, you're boring me. I can make this end very sharply. Get the POINT? I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable with me. CARLA whacks the hilt of her sword into GUYBRUSH's face. GUYBRUSH drops his sword and falls. He moans as his face hurts.
GUYBRUSH Okay then. Uhh... Every word you say to me is stupid! CARLA
CARLA
Really GUYBRUSH. You're going to use my own lines? Pathetic. You're either very brave or helplessly stupid. Either way, I think you've got something. It's not always what you do, but what you say. We master swordsmen know just when to cut our opponent with an insult... One that catches them off
GUYBRUSH Oooooowww... CARLA
guard. Your wit's got to be twice as sharp Okay... ...imagine this: We're fighting up There's a sudden break in the fighting and you...'You fight like a dairy farmer.' You CARLA
as your sword. a storm... I say to respond with?
GUYBRUSH You must be thinking of someone else, I am not a farmer. I can see we've got a lot of work to do here. You should have responded with something like... 'How appropriate. You fight like a cow.' You see. Let's try another. You're trapped up against a wall... I say... 'Soon you'll be wearing my sword like a shish-kabob!'... No! No! No! I suggest you go out there and learn some insults! CARLA enters her house, leaving GUYBRUSH alone outside. GUYBRUSH I can't help but feel like I've been ripped off. I'm sure you're feeling something similar. GUYBRUSH leaves. End scene
GUYBRUSH How appropriate, you fight like a cow! CARLA
SCENE 8
SCUMM Bar. GUYBRUSH bursts into the door, sword at the ready and approaches MANCOMB. All occupants of the bar watch in amazement. Inside are MANCOMB, and PIRATE 1. Guybrush lunges his sword at MANCOMB Looks ta me there be somethin more on yer mind Oh? (Pulls out his sword and aims at GUYBRUSH) So, you got that job as a janitor after all. GUYBRUSH is knocked back. MANCOMB takes the advantage Have you stopped wearing diapers yet? A brief sword fight ensues, GUYBRUSH gains the advantage.
GUYBRUSH Nice night we're having isn't it? MANCOMB MANCOMB MANCOMB MANCOMB GUYBRUSH My name is Guybrush Threepwood. Prepare to die. GUYBRUSH My handkerchief will wipe up your blood
GUYBRUSH Why, did you want to borrow one? MANCOMB I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down! Swords meet again, this time with MANCOMB submitting back to his chair. PIRATE 1 bounds up to GUYBRUSH, excited for a good battle PIRATE 1 All right boy, I'll see if you're good enough for the Melee Island Sword Master. GUYBRUSH My name is Guybrush Threepwood. Prepare to die. PIRATE 1 This is the END for you, gutter crawling cur!
GUYBRUSH Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?
GUYBRUSH Uh that's what SHE said! PIRATE 1 engages in battle, and obviously has the advantage as he knocks GUYBRUSH onto his backside. He then holds his sword to GUYBRUSH's throat. PIRATE 1 There are no clever moves that can help you now. GUYBRUSH Yes- there are (knocks PIRATE 1's sword away from his throat and jumps to his feet) YOU just never learnt them. Guybrush makes a great return to form as their swords clash again PIRATE 1 Now I know what filth and stupidity really are. GUYBRUSH I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion. Guybrush gains the advantage in the fight PIRATE 1 I've got the courage and skill of a master swordsman GUYBRUSH I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them. GUYBRUSH manages to win the fight, causing PIRATE 1 to drop his sword GUYBRUSH Haha! PIRATE 1 Good work. I think you may be ready to take on Carla the Sword Master Carla bursts into the bar CARLA I'll be the judge of that! (Sees the defeated pirates) Guybrush, it seems you've been busy. Let's get this over with. The two engage in heated battle CARLA Only once have I met such a coward! GUYBRUSH knocks CARLA back, but she lunges forward again. CARLA My sword is famous all over the Caribbean! GUYBRUSH disarms CARLA, then holds his blade to her throat CARLA OK, you brag to Master. to find win. Well, I hope you're happy. You can go back and all your friends about how you beat the Sword If you want to fight again Guybrush, you know where me. (She collects herself and leaves) GUYBRUSH Too bad nobody's ever heard of YOU at all! GUYBRUSH He must have taught you everything you know.
GUYBRUSH My name is Guybrush Threepwood. Prepare to die. CARLA
PIRATE 1 Well. You've defeated the swordmaster, and I've heard that you have procured the idol o' many hands from the Governor's mansion. All that's left now is for you to find the Lost Treasure of Melee Island! MANCOMB Ha! Better than that! GUYBRUSH Uh oh
MANCOMB
He told me that he'll be forgetting about your nancy little 'Lost Treasure of Melee Island', and will instead find the 'Secret Of Monkey Island'!
PIRATE 1 Well, it seems we underestimated you Mr Threepwood. Of course, merely sailing to Monkey Island will prove you twice the pirate any man here could wish to be. Good luck finding yourself a crew who would go along with your crazy plan though. MANCOMB Ha! There's no reason why anybody would leave the safety of Melee while LeChuck is still alive, or as the case seems to be, still undead!
GUYBRUSH Next time I see you gentlemen, I'll have found the Secret of Monkey Island, and you will all know me as the most respected and feared name in the Tri-Island area. No, in the Caribbean! Better still- in the whole world! GUYBRUSH exits. PIRATE 1 He'll be dead soon that one. End Scene.
Scene 9
GUYBRUSH walks up to the Governor's Mansion. Nobody is around.
GUYBRUSH Elaine wants me to finish these quests as much as I do. With any luck she can lend me enough money to buy a ship. GUYBRUSH enters the mansion GUYBRUSH Elaine? ELAAAINE? Honey Muffin? Love Pumpkin? GUYBRUSH emerges from the mansion. GUYBRUSH ...Where could she be? OLD MAN runs breathlessly up to GUYBRUSH OLD MAN Hey, what are you doing just standing around? The Governor's been kidnapped! LeChuck's got her on that ship that just sailed off. I'm afraid we've seen the last of her. That's not going to be easy, you know. LeChuck's taken the Governor back to his hideout on Monkey Island. I'm afraid that no pirate on this island is brave enough to follow him there. But, hey, good luck. (walks away) Oh yeah, I almost forgot... They left this note. The OLD MAN hands a note over to GUYBRUSH OLD MAN You can have it, but I don't think you'll like what it says.
GUYBRUSH What? By whom? OLD MAN
GUYBRUSH I'll go get a crew and a ship and go rescue her! OLD MAN
OLD MAN starts to leave GUYBRUSH Hey, wait- won't you help me form a crew? OLD MAN Are you kidding? I doubt I have much life left in me, and I'd rather it wasn't taken by LeChuck! Besides, who would keep lookout with me gone? Exactly! Goodbye Mr Thrifflepants. OLD MAN Exits GUYBRUSH (Reading LeChuck's note) Attention, pirates of Mle: Your governor is alive and well and by my side as she was always meant to be. If you try to find us you will only meet with horrifying disaster. Yours truly, Captain LeChuck. CARLA approaches the mansion CARLA CARLA CARLA CARLA Oh... It's you. I'm here to talk to the Governor. What? That's ridiculous. GUYBRUSH shows her the note from LECHUCK Oh, no. This looks bad. Very bad. Hmmm... I have a feeling I'm going to regret this, but count me in. I need to grab a few things. I'll meet you at the dock, I have a ship there I keep for times like this. The Sea-Monkey. I acquired her after she sailed back alone from Monkey Island. Some say it was crewed by nothing more than a team of monkeys! No other ship has made the voyage to Monkey Island and back again so it'll be perfect for rescuing the Governor. Get the rest of your crew to come too, captain. Carla leaves. The VOODOO Lady appears without warning in a plume of smoke and a flash of light GUYBRUSH Holy mackeral! LADY Quiet! I am getting a vision. You must... GUYBRUIS Must what? H LADY You must go to Monkey Island. Once there, you will search for the Ghost Pirate LeChuck. He hides deep... ...deep beneath Monkey Island. There is only one thing powerful enough to destroy LeChuck. It's an ancient root. Once prepared, the root can destroy a ghost with one touch. Now go and find the one that loves you. GUYBRUSH I'm getting a ship and a crew together to rescue her. GUYBRUSH Carla, the Governor's been kidnapped!
GUYBRUSH Because you've done such a wonderful job so far... OLD MAN
GUYBRUSH What? LADY
GUYBRUSH Yeah! LADY
GUYBRUSH Wait, will you join my crew and help battle the forces of evil on Monkey Island? LADY I am afraid not Guybrush. This is your journey, not mineand the sheer power of LeChuck's dark voodoo would render my assistance useless. I am better off helping from here. For instance, I see a deception! Do not be easily fooled by those close to you, by those you trust.
GUYBRUSH Sounds like something I can watch out for. When will it happLADY LOOK OVER THERE! A THREE-HEADED MONKEY! GUYBRUSH turns around and the VOODOO LADY disappears GUYBRUSH ...Great. I thought we were done with the cheap jokes. End Scene GUYBRUSH What? Where?
Scene 10 Meanwhile, the scene shifts to LeChuck's ship. SHERIFF Fester stands in the room that used to be LeChuck's, and the BONE pirate approaches. BONE Captain, sir... I just stopped by to congratulate you on your kidnapping mission. SHERIFF Fester Shinetop walks around) BONE BONE LECHUCK BONE LECHUCK BONE Captain? The SHERIFF's body deforms weirdly Captain? Are you all right? The SHERIFF turns into LECHUCK NEVER FELT BETTER! And how fares our prisoner? Ah yes, the prisoner. We had a little trouble... TROUBLE? (Starting to walk away) Nothing to worry about, sir... ...everything's under control. She escaped a few times... ...but we've got her locked up in the brig. No one's getting in or out of there. For your sake I hope not. (walks to the window) With years of planning almost destroyed by my death, I'm not taking any chances now. You took care of Mr. Threepwood, then? Guybrush Threepwood will not be a problem. At this very moment, he's twenty feet under water... ...probably bloated up like a fattened pig. 'Is eyes being eaten out by crabs. Fish peckin' at his fingers. Kinda makes you wish you were there to watch. Ah...yessir... (wretches) ...sure does at that.
LECHUCK
BONE LECHUCK
BONE
LECHUCK BONE
Now go check on the root. Make sure it's locked up tight. Aye aye, captain.
Scene 11 GUYBRUSH walks onto the beach on Monkey Island. GUYBRUSH Monkey Island. I made it. Carla said it would be impossible to find Monkey Island with a crew of only two, but here we are. Just as soon as she's worked on her tan she'll join me on the island. Call me paranoid, but she's had the last 3 weeks at sea to work on the tan, and I'm sure she mentioned something about Cannibals the other day... GUYBRUSH takes down a note stuck on a banana tree and reads GUYBRUSH Somebody lives on this island. They've left a note! "To the ghost pirate LeChuck: I must ask you once again to curtail your nightly activities in the Monkey Head area. Decent people are trying to sleep. Kindly keep the noise level down. -Herman Toothrot. P.S. I saw you taking that woman with the scarf down there!" Elaine! GUYBRUSH pockets the note. HERMAN enters. HERMAN Hey, nice notice. Looks just like -- Say, where IS my notice? Oh, perfect. I'm gone five minutes and somebody comes in here and tears down my notices. Naturally I don't think YOU had anything to do with it. I'm sure it's just a coincidence that you came in here to prowl around right after some MYSTERIOUS person tore my notice down. Look at that fabulous ship out there! Did you come in that? Actually, it looks a lot like a ship I used to own... Big problem with that ship- using the rowboat would unbalance the ship, and lead to the whole thing capsizing.
GUYBRUSH Er, sorry. HERMAN
GUYBRUSH Uh oh. (Looks out to the ship) Now that you mention it, my ship is looking a little... sideways. I'm sorry, are you a castaway here? HERMAN You think I stay here for my health? (looks at audience) Hoo, boy. My name's Herman Toothrot. I was 'shipwrecked' here 20 years ago when my ship was commandeered by monkeys. And who are you, ponytail boy?
GUYBRUSH I'm Guybrush Threepwood, Mighty Pirate. I'm here to rescue someone. HERMAN Well, here I am. Glad you came to rescue me. ...Though you might have been earlier. The fine on that overdue library book should be pretty big by now. Let's go.
GUYBRUSH Er... That's not exactly what I meant. I sailed here in pursuit of the Governor of Mle Island, who's been kidnapped by a ghost. HERMAN Oh fine, DON'T rescue me. I like it here. The rain on my
head, the wind at my back... ...the bugs on my plate... GUYBRUSH Um... Well, perhaps I could take you back, too... ...but I've got to rescue the governor, first. I think she's on that ghost-ship underground. HERMAN Oh, OK. (To the audience) He's probably talking about the pirates under the giant monkey head. Why, the people watching, of course. Those ghost jerks have been bugging me for months! Wailing and moaning until all hours of the morning... scaring away every passing ship that could rescue me!
GUYBRUSH Who are you talking to? HERMAN HERMAN GUYBRUSH (looks at audience) Um... sure. (Back to HERMAN)
GUYBRUSH But if I can get to LeChuck, I heard that I need an ancient voodoo root to destroy him. HERMAN He keeps the root close to him underground. Going down there practically enlists you onto his crew. You'll be dead!
GUYBRUSH You'll be enlisted? HERMAN GUYBRUSH Yeah. I was also told to watch out for Cannibals on this island HERMAN HERMAN I'm sorry, but there aren't any cannibals here! At the Giant Monkey Head? Sure, but I won't take you inside, that's your own funeral. (Looks at audience) Hehehe They exit. End Scene GUYBRUSH Can you take me to the ghost pirate's secret lair?
Scene 12 Giant monkey head. GUYBRUSH is clambering inside. Lighting is very red (Hell-like). BONE stands there alone. GUYBRUSH Wow, that was the second biggest monkey head I've ever seen! Wait, what's going on here? Where's the legion of undead pirates? I was ready to fight my way to the root and finish this once and for all. BONE BONE BONE BONE EEP! You scared me half to death! They all left for the wedding. LeChuck is marrying the Governor of Mle Island. There's a lovely church on Mle Island. They're headed there. GUYBRUSH What happened to LeChuck's ship? GUYBRUSH What wedding? GUYBRUSH WHAT? But how will they... Where is the wedding?
GUYBRUSH Mle Island? Oh, no! Why are YOU still here?
BONE
Captain LeChuck decided it would be too dangerous taking the voodoo root with him to Melee Island, what with all those pirates that would rather he wasn't unliving anymore. So I'm here, guarding it. Shame, too. I hate to miss the wedding.
GUYBRUSH Good news! Captain LeChuck actually sent me to look after the root. BONE BONE You don't look very ghostlike to me. You're very pink... Well, OK. But where's that dank, musty, beyond-the-grave ghostly smell? Aww thanks, glad you noticed? I rubbed a dead crab over me for the wedding. Okay, you take the root, I'll see if I can catch up to the ship. Bye! BONE hands GUYBRUSH the root and runs off. GUYBRUSH I've got to go after them! I've got to stop that wedding!! GUYBRUSH leaves. End Scene. GUYBRUSH I suffer from a rare pigmentation efficiency syndrome.
GUYBRUSH It's busy being overpowered by your own deathly stench. BONE
Scene 13 GUYBRUSH arrives back at the beach. HERMAN is stood there staring out to sea. GUYBRUSH Darnit, there goes LeChuck's ship. HERMAN You missed quite a show! Your ship capsized! It was amazing, first the mast hit the water, then this pirate looking type fell straight into the drink. Yessir, it was quite the spectacle! Wow! Not Kidding! You're not such a wimp afterall! I just need to make a brew from the fermented root. Herman turns around HERMAN A secret voodoo technique I learnt... No peeking. I can't do it when people are watching... (Turns head to address audience) That means you too (Turns away again). HERMAN finishes up and hands it to GUYBRUSH HERMAN One squirt of that stuff and the ectoplasm really hits the fan! And if you have any left over, it's delicious with a little vanilla icecream.
GUYBRUSH Herman, I've got the root! HERMAN
GUYBRUSH Thanks for this, but it's useless now. I missed the boat to the wedding. HERMAN HERMAN Hey! No problem! We can take mine! Let's go! Why, heck, if you're stranded, you've GOT to be rescued. GUYBRUSH If you have a ship, why are you waiting to be rescued?
Says so in the rules. GUYBRUSH Will you take me to Mle Island? HERMAN HERMAN I'll lend you my ship, if you promise to rescue me with it. Let's go. They run out. End Scene. GUYBRUSH OK.
Scene 14.
The wedding! LECHUCK stands at the alter with his bride, MANCOMB is marrying them. GUYBRUSH enters the church.
GUYBRUSH Well, that was certainly easier than the trip TO Monkey Island MANCOMB ...if there be any man with reason that these two... ...er... ...people should not be united in blissful matrimony... ...let him speak now or forever hold his peace. Hey! It's Guybrush Threepwood! GUYBRUSH comes closer. LECHUCK LECHUCK You! Take WHAT? Are ye trying to bribe me? Suddenly, ELAINE leaps in, sword in hand. GUYBRUSH Governor! LECHUCK MANCOMB LECHUCK ELAINE Governor! Governor? What's going on? Oh, Guybrush, you mad fool! I'm impressed that you came to rescue me, but it really wasn't necessary. I had everything well in hand. Unfortunately, your arrival has made it necessary for me to tip my hand early. ...how... ...who... but... ...what... ...I... ...um... Oh, that was easy. LeChuck is a bozo, Hey! and lots of his crew members were friends of mine, when they were alive. Yes, so did I! Yes, so did he! But I arranged for a little surprise when GUYBRUSH Take THIS, you vaporous voodoo vermin!
GUYBRUSH STOP THE WEDDING!! MANCOMB
LECHUCK ELAINE LECHUCK ELAINE
GUYBRUSH How did you manage to escape?
GUYBRUSH I thought LeChuck was going to marry you. LECHUCK ELAINE
it came time to kiss the bride. GUYBRUSH If you're here, then who's that in the dress? The bride turns around, revealing that it is actually PIRATE 1 holding a bottle of root beer. GUYBRUSH I see! He's got a bottle of the voodoo root that destroys ghosts! LECHUCK He's got WHAT? LeChuck kicks down PIRATE 1, who loses the bottle of root. GUYBRUSH ...oops... ELAINE LECHUCK Nice going, Guybrush. You dared to come here and confront me! I can't believe your audacity! Well, I can't believe your frivolity. I grow tired of you. (pulls out his sword) GUYBRUSH ...but... ...I... ...er... ...hey...
GUYBRUSH Well, I can't believe your stupidity. LECHUCK LECHUCK GUYBRUSH Well, I can't believe your enormity. GUYBRUSH A swordfight, eh? (Pulls out his sword) No one will ever catch me fighting as badly as YOU do! LECHUCK Oh really? You run that fast? LECHUCK knocks GUYBRUSH down with the hilt of his sword. GUYBRUSH Oh no! LECHUCK LECHUCK Come now Guybrush. LECHUCK helps GUYBRUSH to his feet What is this? (Finds the root that GUYBRUSH is carrying) Now I thought we'd be fighting fairly. Ye won't be needin' THIS! LECHUCK throws the root away and drops GUYBRUSH onto his feet. Fighting stances. LECHUCK My last fight ended with my hands covered in blood! GUYBRUSH knocks LECHUCK's sword out of his hand. GUYBRUSH Haha! GUYBRUSH stabs at LECHUCK who just laughs, pulls out and discards the sword. LECHUCK punches Guybrush under the audience. GUYBRUSH Hey, nice shoes. Wait, Root beer? (Getting up with root beer, addressing the nearest audience member) May I borrow this? It's a long shot but... LECHUCK picks GUYBRUSH up again. LECHUCK You fight like a coward! GUYBRUSH I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose.
GUYBRUSH How appropriate, you fight like a cow! Before he can get a punch in, GUYBRUSH uses the root beer on LECHUCK. LECHUCK --urk-- Gasp! --choke-- Aiiieeee! (dies) As Lechuck dies, the rooms flickers like a fireworks display. Elaine enters. ELAINE ELAINE Hey... Sorry GUYBRUSH Yikes! Don't sneak up on me like that! GUYBRUSH That's OK. You know, LeChuck was a deviant, obnoxious, slithery, creepy-crawly sort of a guy, but I'll say one thing for him... ELAINE ELAINE What's that? Yes, it's very romantic. Can I buy you a root beer? GUYBRUSH He sure looks nice exploding. GUYBRUSH Actually, I'm a bit sick of root beer. I wish me crew could have seen this... MANCOMB and PIRATE 1 begin to leave together MANCOMB That was something. Nice dress. PIRATE 1 Thanks, I found it at the Swordmaster's house. She wasn't in, so I just took it. MANCOMB Funny that. MANCOMB AND PIRATE 1 exit GUYBRUSH At least I learned something from all of this... ELAINE What's that? GUYBRUSH How to deal with frustration, disappointment, and irritating cynicism. ELAINE That sounds like something my husband would say. THE END GUYBRUSH Yikes!

The Secret of Monkey Island

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TheSecretOfMonkeyIslandAdaptedforthestagebyPeterKimballEvans2011www.castlecake.co.

Scene Index Scene 1 Page 2 - Melee Island Lookout

Scene 2 Page 2 SCUMM Bar

Scene 3 Page 5 LeChuck's ship

Scene 4 Page 6 Melee Town

Scene 5 Page 7 House of Voodoo

Scene 6 Page 8 Governor's Mansion

Scene 7 Page 12 Melee Town / Carla's Place

Scene 8 Page 14 SCUMM Bar

Scene 9 Page 16 Governor's Mansion

Scene 10 Page 18 LeChuck's Ship

Scene 11 Page 19 Monkey Island Beach

Scene 12 Page 20 Giant Monkey Head

Scene 13 Page 21 - Monkey Island Beach

Scene 14 Page 22 Melee Island Church

GUYBRUSH (To MANCOMB) Hi, I'm Guybrush Threepwood. I wanna beMANCOMB

GUYBRUSH Well, what's YOUR name? MANCOMB

GUYBRUSH I want to be a pirate! MANCOMB

GUYBRUSH So, those guys are in charge of Mle Island? MANCOMB

GUYBRUSH Why not? MANCOMB

GUYBRUSH What's so scary about this guy if he's dead? MANCOMB

GUYBRUSH Have you taken the pirate trials? MANCOMB

GUYBRUSH Voodoo? MANCOMB

BONE LECHUCK BONE LECHUCK BONE

LECHUCK BONE LECHUCK BONE

GUYBRUSH I'm Guybrush Threepwood, and I'm a mighty pirate. SHERIFF

GUYBRUSH Journey? What can you tell me about my journey? LADY

GUYBRUSH What kind of things? I hate surprises. LADY

GUYBRUSH Governor Marley? LADY

GUYBRUSH approaches the Governor's mansion.

GUYBRUSH The Governor's mansion! It seems to be completely unguarded,

GUYBRUSH Gee... ELAINE

GUYBRUSH Okay then, let's go inside. ELAINE

SCENE 7 OLD MAN

GUYBRUSH Eh. Close enough.

OLD MAN CARLA

GUYBRUSH The Sword Master is a woman?

OLD MAN CARLA

GUYBRUSH Yep, nailed right on the head... CARLA

GUYBRUSH What? CARLA GUYBRUSH No actually. fight. CARLA

GUYBRUSH Oooooowww... CARLA

as your sword. a storm... I say to respond with?

GUYBRUSH How appropriate, you fight like a cow! CARLA

GUYBRUSH Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

GUYBRUSH My name is Guybrush Threepwood. Prepare to die. CARLA

GUYBRUSH walks up to the Governor's Mansion. Nobody is around.

GUYBRUSH What? By whom? OLD MAN

GUYBRUSH What? LADY

GUYBRUSH Yeah! LADY

GUYBRUSH Er, sorry. HERMAN

GUYBRUSH Herman, I've got the root! HERMAN

GUYBRUSH STOP THE WEDDING!! MANCOMB

LECHUCK ELAINE LECHUCK ELAINE

GUYBRUSH How did you manage to escape?

GUYBRUSH I thought LeChuck was going to marry you. LECHUCK ELAINE

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