Funny Medical Terms

Adminisphere -- Where hospital managers work, reckoned to be "another planet". Administrivia -- Pointless emails and notices that clog up real medical work. ADR -- Aint Doing Right. Aggressive Euthanasia -- A procedure that obnoxious patients would benefit from. AGMI-- Ain't Gonna Make It. (won't survive) AHF -- Acute Hissy Fit. Alimentary -- What Holmes said to Watson. Anally - Occurring yearly. Anti-Body -- Against everyone. AOB -- Alcohol On Board. APTFRAN -- Apply Pillow To Face, Repeat As Necessary. (for annoying patient) Artery -- The study of paintings. Ash Cash -- Money for signing a cremation form. Baby catcher -- Obstetrician. Bacteria -- The back door of a cafeteria. Bagged and Tagged (B&T) -- Body ready for dispatch to morgue.

Bandages -- The Rolling Stones. Barium -- What doctors recommend when their patients die. Basement Admission -- Will end up in hospital morgue. (located in the hospital basement) Beached Whale -- Obese patient unable to do much for him/herself except lie there with flailing arms and legs. Benign -- What you be, after you be eight. Benny -- Patient on benefit. (welfare payments) Blood Suckers -- Those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs. Blown Mind -- Gunshot wound to the head. Boneheads -- Orthopaedics. Bottle Return -- Removing a bottle lodged in the anal canal. Botulism -- Tendency to make mistakes. Bowel -- Letters like A, E, I, O, or U. Brothel Sprouts -- Genital warts. Bug Juice -- Antibiotics. Bungee Jumper -- A patient who pulls on his catheter tube. Burger-- Sunburned patient with ruptured blisters. Bury the Hatchet -- Accidently leave a surgical instrument inside a patient.

BWCO-- Baby Won't Come Out.(needs Caesarian) CBT -- Chronic Biscuit Toxicity. Patient is really fat. Caesarean Section -- High-rent area of Rome. Call Button Jockey/Buzzer Junkie -- Patient that uses call button all night long for no good reason. Cardiology -- Advanced study of poker playing. Castrate -- Market price for setting a fracture. Cat Scan -- A search for kitty. Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her. Celestial Transfer -- Died. (transferred to the Eternal Care Unit) Chocolate Hostage -- Constipated. Chrome Induced Ischaemia -- Patient that develops inexplicable chest pains when arrested and handcuffed. Clip and Strip -- Remove staples and adhesive sutures. Colic -- A breed of sheep dog. Coma -- A punctuation mark of consciousness. Congenital -- Friendly. COPS -- Chic Old Person's Disease. Coronary -- Domesticated yellow bird. Cortisone -- The local courthouse.

Cranial Rectosis -- US: butthead (US term for idiot); UK: head-up-ass (arrogant/arrogant fool) Creepers -- Geriatrics using walkers and wheelchairs. CRI-- Cranial-Rectal Insertion or Cranial-Rectal Inversion. (head-up-ass syndrome) Crispy critter -- Severe burns case. CRS -- Cant Remember Sh*t. Cut and Paste -- Also called an "Open and Close" or a "Peek and Shriek," this is when a surgeon opens up a patient for surgery, discovers nothing can be done to avert the inevitable, and sews them back up immediately. CYA -- Cover Your Ass; unnecessary procedure/prescription done to avoid being sued. Cystogram -- A cable sent to your sister. DAAD -- Dead As A Doornail. D & C -- Where Washington is. Dandruff On Wheels -- Scabies or other transmissible flaky skin condition. Digging For Worms -- Varicose vein surgery. Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events. Dilate -- To live a long life. DOCTOR -- A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. Donorcycle -- Motorcycle. As in, a frequent source of organ donors.

Dose of I Don't Care -- Pain-killing meds that make patient light-headed. Dose of I Don't Remember -- Pain-killing meds that leave patient without memory of painful procedure. Dr. Feelgood -- A doctor who is indiscriminate about prescribing drugs. ECU -- Eternal Care Unit: heaven. ("gone to the ECU = dead) EMS -- Earn Money Sleeping. (joke at expense of Emergency Medical Service) EMT -- Extraordinary Masochistic Tendencies. (joke at expense of Emergency Medical Technicians) Enema -- Someone who is against you. ER -- The things on your head that you hear with. ERNOBW -- Engine Running, No One Behind the Wheel. (thick) Expensive care --Intensive care. Expensive Scare -- Intensive care. Eyedropper -- A clumsy ophthalmologist. FDSTW -- Found Dead Stayed That Way. Faecal Encephalopathy -- Shit-for-Brains. If you wind up in the emergency room because, say, you were trying to launch bottle rockets out of your anus, you can expect to hear this term thrown around. Latin, or pseudo-latin, is often used to convey unflattering terms and make it sound grandiloquent to the uninformed (or faecal-encephalopathic) ear. Variations include Cranio-Rectal Syndrome and Cranial Rectosis, presumably for

when the patient doesn't have shit for brains but merely has his head up his ass. Fester -- Quicker than someone else. Fibrillate -- To tell lies. Fibula -- A small lie. Finger Wave -- Rectal exam. Fish Filet -- Vaginal infection with discharge and odor. Fluttering Eye Syndrome -- Patient faking unconsciousness. FMPS -- Fluff My Pillow Syndrome (attention/sympathy seeker), like Call Button Jockey. FORD -- Found On Road Dead. Foreverectomy -- A surgical procedure that lasts a very long time. FOS -- Found On Street: unidentified dead homeless person. Frequent Flyer -- Someone who is transported to and from hospital on a routine basis. (also someone who spends more time at the local hospital then most employees and is known by all staff members including Environmental Services) Freud Squad Pychiatrists. Fruit Salad -- Group of stroke patients, all unable to take care of themselves. FTD -- Fixing To Die. Full Moon -- Full or overcrowded waiting room/A&E/ER. Garden -- Neurosurgical intensive care ward, so called because of the "vegetables" found there.

Gassers OR Gas Passers -- Anaesthetists. GDA -- Gonna die anyway. Genital -- Non-Jewish person. G. I. Series -- World Series of military baseball. GOK -- God Only Knows. GOLP -- Generalised Old Lady Pains. Gone Camping -- Patient in oxygen tent. Gorillacillin -- Very powerful antibiotic. GPO -- Good for Parts Only. Gravity Assisted Concrete Poisoning -- Jumped/fell from height. GTMJACB -- Gone To Meet Jesus, Ain't Coming Back. (dead) Guessing Tubes -- Stethoscope. Gun and Rifle Club -- Trauma ward full of gunshot and stabbing victims. Guts and Butts -- General surgery. Hallucinoma --A mass seen on a scan or x-ray that wasn't really there. Hammer -- Local anesthetic. Hangnail -- What you hang your coat on.

Hasselhoff -- Emergency patient with bizarre explanation for their injury. Hat Trick -- Trauma patient with 3 tubes into him. Head -- A brain-injury patient. Usage - "Ive got a head Ive got to deal with." Hearts and Farts -- Unit specialising in geriatrics and cardiology. Hepatology Conference -- Doctors meeting at a pub or bar. Herpes -- What women do in the Ladies Room. Hey Docs (or Haydock) -- Alcoholics handcuffed to wheelchairs in big-city medical wards who chorus "Hey, Doc! when they see a white coat." Hippo -- Hypochondriac or depressive. Hole-in-One -- A gunshot wound through the mouth or rectum. HOP -- House of pain. (nursing home) Hormones -- What a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid. Hymen -- Greeting to several males. ICU-- Peek-a-boo. I fell on it (also Eiffel Syndrome) -- Universal explanation given by a patient with a foreign object in the rectum. Impotent-- Distinguished, well known. Inbreds -- Doctors whose parents are also doctors. Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee. International House of Pancakes -- Neurology ward full of patients (usually stroke victims) all babbling in a different language.

Jack Bauer-- A doctor still up and working after 24 hours. Jailitis -- Becoming dubiously ill while in custody or in a jail cell. JAR or JAR Syndrome -- Just Aint Right. JIC -- Jesus is calling. JPS -- Just Plain Stupid. (self induced injury involving lack of common sense) Killing Fields-- That ward in every hospital where patients go to die. Knife-happy -- An overly enthusiastic surgeon. Knife and Gun Club - Local street gangs or criminal organizations that keep ER in business OR the emergency departments that care for patients with the results of street gang violence. Knuckledragger -- Orthopedic Doctor/Surgeon. Labor pain -- The result of a work injury. Lactose-- Person without digits on the foot. Lancelot -- A medic who drains abscesses. (called Pokemon in the USA) Lantern Test -- Shine a torch in the subject's mouth and the eyes light up. Leeches -- Those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs. Liposuction -- A French kiss. Lipstick Sign -- If a female patient is well enough to put on, she is well enough to be discharged.

LOBNH -- Lights On But Nobody Home. Lobster -- Sunburned patient. LOL -- Little Old Lady. Loop-the-loop-- Flamboyant surgical rearrangement of the intestines. Loose Change -- Dangling limb in need of amputation. LRO -- Luck Ran Out. (cheated death before, but not this time) LWS -- Low Wallet Syndrome. (No medical insurance or money) Lymph -- Walk unsteadily. Mammogram -- A telegram to your Mama. MARPs -- Mind Altering Recreational Pharmaceuticals. Masochist-- Trauma surgeon; Sadomasochist Neurosurgeon. Matern-a-tax -- When a pregnant woman calls an ambulance because the contractions are every 2 minutes, but she doesn't have a single contraction during a 30 minute journey to hospital. Meat hooks -- Surgical instruments. Medical Staff -- A doctor's walking cane. Menopause -- I no wait. MFC -- Measure For Coffin. MGM syndrome -- Faker putting on a real good show.

Michelin's Disease/Disorder-- Multiple spare tires (obese). Minor Operation-- Coal digging. Molar masher -- Dentist. MooMoo-Mover -- The big blue sheet used for moving obese patients. Morbid -- A higher offer. Mow The Lawn/Trim the Hedge -- Remove a long line of sutures. Mushroom syndrome -- Suffered by lowly medics who are kept in the dark and have crap piled on them. NARS -- Not a rocket scientist. (low IQ) Nectar of the Gods -- Coffee; without which many hospital services would shut down. Negative Wallet Biopsy -- Patient transferred to cheaper hospital because s/he has no insurance/funds. NETMA -- Nobody Ever Tells Me Anything. (generally a doctor's gripe on a patient's chart) Nitrates -- A price cheaper than day rates. NOCTOR-- Nurse that has done a 6 week training course and acts like s/he's a Doctor. Node -- Past tense of knew. Not even in the ball game -- Confused, senile patient. O sign -- Patient unconscious with mouth open.

OFIG -- One Foot In the Grave. Old Man's Friend --Pneumonia, an illness which often carried off the elderly. Ooh-Aahs -- Those who gather to gawk at an emergency and go "Oooh, Aaah". Optorectomy-- Operation to disconnect the eyeball from the anus, due to such a sh*tty outlook on life. Ostrich Treatment-- Pretend it's not there and hope it goes away. OTD&DDR-- Out The Door and Down The Road. Outpatient -- A person who has fainted. Paint -- Betadine. (medication) Pap Smear-- A fatherhood test. Parentectomy -- Removing parents as an effective cure for a child's problems. Peek and Shriek -- Open a patient surgically, discover an incurable condition, and close the incision immediately. Pelvis -- Second cousin to Elvis. PIA -- Pain in the ass. Pig In A Blanket -- Patient (esp an overweight one) in Bed With Fever. Pillow Consult -- Wanting to smother a difficult patient. Pillow Therapy-- Describes the urge to smother annoying patient. Pokemon -- The medic who drains abscesses.

Polybabydaddia -- A mother who presents to the ER (Casualty) dept with 8 or 9 kids in tow, most of whom were fathered by a different men. Porch People, Walmart Greeters -- Confused patients sitting in chairs in hall for close observation. Positive Hilton Sign -- Demanding patient expects Hilton Hotel luxury; indicates patient well enough to leave! Post operative-- A mailman or letter carrier. PPA -- Practicing Professional Alcoholic. Protein -- In favor of young people. Pucker Factor -- The degree/speed of constriction of the surgeon's anal sphincter is directly proportional to the patient's risk of sudden death. Pumpkin Positive -- A penlight shone into the patient's mouth/ear would encounter a brain so small that the whole head would light up. PVC Challenge -- To intubate someone. PWT -- Po' (poor) White Trash. (with a condition related to their lifestyle) Q-Tip -- Elderly person. (white haired old person) (Q-Tip is a cotton bud) Quackpractor -- Chiropractor. Qwertyitis-- What a doctor suffers from when he spends more time on a computer than with actual patients. Raisin Farm-- Old person's home, geriatric ward etc. Rapid Lead Infusion -- Obnoxious patient ought to be shot. Rear Admiral-- Proctologist.

Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery. Rectum-- Nearly killed him. Red pipe -- Artery. Reeker-- Smelly patient. Road Chili-- Unrestrained driver/motorcyclist or passenger, ejected and splattered. Road Map-- Injuries incurred by going through a car windshield face first. Roasted Goober -- Tumor after intensive cobalt treatment. Rocket Room-- A ward/unit where there are many deaths. (many transfers to heaven) Rounding Up The Usual Suspects -- Ordering a set of tests for a given set of symptoms. Rudy Baga -- Patient with terminal brain injury, persistent vegetative state. Rule of Five -- If more than five of the patient's orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance. Running Towards the Light -- Dying. Rupture -- Ecstasy. Saline -- Where you go on your boyfriend's boat. SALT -- Same As Last Time. SBI -- What It Means: Something Bad Inside.

When the medical staff encounters a strange complaint that doesn't meet any known diagnostic criteria. As much as you don't want to hear SBI as your diagnosis, it's still better than the alternate SVBI (Something Very Bad Inside) which means whatever it is appears to be killing you. Secretion -- A hiding place. Seizure -- An alcoholic Roman emperor. Semen -- Sailors. SEP-- Somebody else's problem. SFS -- Stinky Foot Syndrome. Shadow gazer -- Radiologist. Sidewalk Souffle -- Suicide-by-jumping. Skeleton -- A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. Slashers -- General surgeons. Slow Code to China -- Hospitals use a series of emergency codes (Code Blue, for instance, means the patient is dying and needs immediate resuscitation). Not listed among the official codes is the Slow Code, meaning the patient is dying, and not to worry too much about it. Smoke the Anaesthetic Cigar/Smoke the Camel -- Intubated. Smurf Sign -- Patient blue or going blue. Sofa Surfer-- Homeless person who sleeps on friends' sofas and floors. Speed bumps -- Hemorrhoids. SRI -- Something Wrong Inside.

SSDD -- Same Sh*t Different Day. Sucking The Peace Pipe-- Intubated. Suture-- Gujarati for "What do you want?" TBP-- Total body pain. TEC -- Transfer to Eternal Care. Terminal illness -- Airport sickness. Therapeutic Monitoring -- Monitoring a patient purely because it makes the doctor feel better. TLGP -- Two Legged Guinea Pig - patient undergoing experimental or extreme treatments. TOBP -- Tired of Being Pregnant. Torture Room -- Intensive Care Unit. Tough stick -- Patient whose veins are hard to find when drawing blood. Triple Bypass-- Better than a quarterback sneak. Tumor-- One more than one more. UBI -- Unexplained Beer Injury. Urban Outdoorsman -- Homeless person. Urine -- Where you are when you aren't out. VAC -- Vultures are Circling.

Vampires -- Those who take blood samples. Varicose -- Nearby, close by. Vein-- Conceited. Very Close Veins -- Varicose veins. VIP -- Very intoxicated person. Vitamin M -- Morphine. Weed Puller -- Obstetrician. Witch doctor -- Specialist in internal medicine. WNL -- Will Not Listen; patient won't take medical advice. Wombat -- Waste Of Money, Brains And Time. Woolly jumper -- Any non-acute physician. WWI-- Walking while intoxicated (and fell over) Yavis -- Young, attractive, verbal, intelligent, successful. Zorro belly-- Patient who has had multiple abdominal surgeries.