Thank You Kiss By Ral Carpentier

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THANK YOU KISS At rise we see a married couple walking into their hardware store, complete with a counter, cash register, and hardware items for sale. BRENDA Look at it, Roy. Isnt it beautiful? still cant believe it. And its all ours. I

ROY Believe it, Brenda. We finally got our own business. Didnt I tell you it would happen someday? BRENDA (Playful) Well, that could have been a line to get me to marry you. You had all kinds of lines if memory serves me well. ROY That wasnt the line that got you, though. The one that sold you was when I told you I own a mansion in the Bahamas, remember? BRENDA Yeah, I remember. I didnt believe it for one minute. if anyone would believe that. ROY Well I wasnt completely wrong, was I? BRENDA Roy, you dont own a mansion in the Bahamas. You once rented a cottage in Key West...on Bahama Street! ROY Close enough. BRENDA But you were right about the store, though. ROY Yeah, Ive been wanting my own hardware store for years. So much I could taste it. But I waited until we were married because I knew I wanted to be in business with my lovely Brenda. (He goes to kiss her. She pushes him away, playfully.) As

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BRENDA Not now, Roy. Were in a public place of business. I expect my business partner to behave in a professional manner. ROY (Smiling) I should have known it would be all business with you. Youre going to be a great business partner. mention, a great wife. BRENDA Theres a time and place for everything you know. ran like a charm...very business-like. ROY What was so special about yesterday? BRENDA You werent here. ROY Yeah, Im sorry about that...stupid conferences! manage alright by yourself? BRENDA Oh yeah. Had a lot of customers. about me were you? Why? Did you

Not to

Yesterday

You werent worried

ROY Of course not. Its just that it was your first time in the store, and we just opened it last week. BRENDA Well as you can see, I didnt set the place on fire. catch on fast, you know. I

ROY I have no doubt. But Brenda, this is a special day because its the first time were here together running our very own business. BRENDA I know. Im so excited. And this seems to be the perfect spot for it because the clients I had yesterday were so nice. ROY They were? BRENDA Yes, well I guess when you treat the customer right, theyll treat you right in return. You know, I went into a store (MORE)

3. BRENDA (contd) the other day and the lady at the counter asked me "can I help ya?". Not "can I help you?", but "can I help ya?". ROY Are you serious? Yeah! BRENDA How rude to be referred to as "ya" instead of "you". ROY I hear ya. BRENDA Well, were not going to have that problem here. Oh its such a great place and I love the customers I got yesterday. ROY Yes, I guess some things are just meant to be. BRENDA Guess so. (She looks out the window.) Look here comes the first customer of the day. Ok, lets do this. ROY Do you want to take the counter?

BRENDA No, I want to help out here. You can take the counter. ROY OK. (Roy goes behind the counter, as customer 1 ~male~ enters) BRENDA Good morning. CUSTOMER 1 Good morning. BRENDA May I help you? CUSTOMER 1 Yes, Im looking for some cold weld epoxy. BRENDA (She looks at the epoxy items, but cant find it.) All Im seeing is regular 5 minute epoxy. Roy, do we have any cold weld epoxy?

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ROY I sold the last one a couple of days ago. shipment tomorrow.

Im expecting a

Im sorry.

BRENDA (To customer 1) Do you want to try the 5 minute epoxy instead. Ill

CUSTOMER 1 No, that wont be hard enough. Well, thats alright. be back tomorrow. BRENDA OK. CUSTOMER 1 Well, thank you, then. BRENDA Youre welcome. (They begin to kiss passionately as if theyve been lovers for years. Roy looks on in shock. After the kiss...) CUSTOMER 1 Well, have a nice day. Bye. BRENDA Come again soon. (Customer 1 exits.)

ROY (Goes over to Brenda) What the hell was that?!! BRENDA (Confused as to why Roy is angry.) What? What do you mean, what? Yeah, so? What do you mean so? ROY Do you kiss every stranger you meet? ROY You were kissing that guy. BRENDA

BRENDA Oh Roy, that was a thank you kiss.

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ROY A thank you kiss?!! BRENDA Yes, he said thank you and we kissed. Its no big deal. I was just being courteous. You wouldnt want me to be rude to the customer, would you? ROY Yes, I would!! You dont go around kissing the customer, or any strange guy for that matter. Brenda, were married, remember? BRENDA Roy, youre making too much of this. Of course were married, and I love you. But Im not going to jeopardize the business because of some jealous notion of yours. ROY Jealous notion?!! BRENDA (Looks out the window) Roy, this isnt the time. Try to contain yourself...here comes another customer. ROY Alright, you take the counter this time. here. Im staying out

BRENDA (Walking towards the counter.) It was a thank you kiss, Roy. I was just being courteous. ROY (To himself, under his breath.) Courteous! (Customer 2 ~male~ enters.) Good morning. CUSTOMER 2 Good morning. ROY Can I help you with anything? No, thats ok. CUSTOMER 2 Im all set. (Customer 2 picks up an item and goes to the register, as Roy is busy straightening out some merchandise.)

6. BRENDA Thatll be ten dollars even. (Customer 2 gives her the money, she puts it in the register, and gives him the receipt.) Thank you. CUSTOMER 2 No, thank you. (They kiss with the same passion as the previous customer. Roy notices as the kiss is ending. After the kiss...) BRENDA Bye. Bye. (Customer 2 exits.) ROY (Rushes to the counter.) You did it again! BRENDA (Confused at his anger.) What?!! ROY You kissed another guy. BRENDA Roy, weve already been through this. Its a thank you kiss. I thanked him for his patronage. ROY You thanked him for his patronage? Well Id hate to see what would happen if he saved your life. Are you running a dating service here? BRENDA A dating service?!! Roy, youre already on thin ice with me from that previous outburst. At least its a good thing you waited until the customer left. Youre being paranoid and ridiculous. ROY Paranoid and ridiculous huh? customers? How come we only get male Come again soon. CUSTOMER 2

BRENDA Its a hardware store, Roy. Besides, we get women customers. The customers werent all male yesterday.

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ROY Did you thank them too? BRENDA (Sarcastic) I told them to get the hell out.

No Roy.

ROY I dont know whats going on here. One moment you tell me... (Customer 3 ~female~ enters and browses.) Ill take care of this one. (To Customer 3) May I help you? No, I think Im all set. (Shrugs) OK! (He grabs Customer 3 and tries to kiss her passionately. The customer is stunned, as she fights back, screams, and reacts as if shes totally violated) BRENDA (Shocked at what she sees, she runs to Roy and the customer) What are you doing?!! Let go of her!! ROY (Releasing the customer) What?? CUSTOMER 3 What kind of place is this?!! BRENDA (To Roy) Are you out of your mind?!! ROY I was just thanking her. CUSTOMER 3 Youre sick!! BRENDA Im so sorry, maam. CUSTOMER 3 But thank you very much. ROY

Roy!!

8. CUSTOMER 3 Youre a pathetic individual. (She runs off) BRENDA What do you think youre doing, Roy? ROY (Confused) I was thanking her. BRENDA Are you serious? You violate a woman you dont even know...and in front of your own wife?! And youre trying to tell me you were just thanking her? Are you going through some kind of crisis or something? (He continues to be puzzled as he gets scolded) Here we are trying to run a professional business...you supposedly love your business partner cause Im your wife, and you go ahead and do something like that? And youre trying to tell me that you were just thanking her? (Sarcastically) Well, thats very comforting! And shes probably running to the police or her lawyer or something. (To herself, as he tries to get a word in) I dont believe this. You think you know a guy. You think you can trust your own husband. (Back to him) Can you tell me what the hell came over you? ROY (Confused, and ready to give up and take the blame) I guess I just had the urge to thank her. BRENDA Well, it was a pretty pour display of self control. ROY Yeah, I guess youre right. BRENDA Well, what have you got to say for yourself? ROY (Surrendering, and still confused) Im sorry? BRENDA You better be. Lets just hope she doesnt try to have you arrested or something.

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ROY But you did the same thing. BRENDA Thats different. ROY (Becoming angry again) Hows it different? BRENDA I was thanking someone, I wasnt trying to assault them. ROY Of course you werent trying to assault them. They were both willing participants, and ready for action. BRENDA Well, a thank you kiss is one thing. assault someone. ROY I wasnt trying to assault her. BRENDA Try to tell her that. ROY This is ridiculous. Look, lets agree on something. From now on, NO KISSING! I dont care if theyre thanking us, or lying naked on their back. From now on we dont kiss anyone!! BRENDA (Sarcastic) Or violate them like were some kind of maniac. ROY (Looks out and sees another customer) Alright, thats enough of that. Here comes someone else. You take the counter. BRENDA (As she walks to the counter) And you try to contain yourself. No more kissing!! Agreed. ROY Agreed?? BRENDA But you dont go and