Philosophical Crisis

A collection of short poems and stories in a pleasant and digestible format about the horrors of the metaphysical realm, the visceral truths of the known world, and the demise of our worlds greatest philosophical minds. For... children?
Written by A.L.R. Garlow

Baby ' s First...

Philosophical Crisis
Written by A.L.R. Garlow
Dedicated to those whose Platonic form oftheir physical being is still young at heart.
Baby's First Philosophical Crisis by A.L.R. Garlow is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.

Baby ' s First...

The grandiose world ofphilosophy is not often considered easily navigatable. But in these poems I shall attempt to make the subject more palatable. The journey begins near the source ofthe thought aeons ago when philosophy was first taught. As you sift through these pages, time will pass and we shall make our way to contemporary, from past. Let it spark a yearning in your heart to seek out more knowledge on this immemorial art.

Thank you, Thales ofMiletus I cannot say this enough, you started Western philosophy with a bang! ... of scientific stuff. What makes me proud to call you Dad ofthe Greek tradition is your rejection ofthe mythological and approval ofdeductive cognition! Some even say you were very first to study electricity! Your accomplishments in early geometry place me in utter felicity!

"THANK YOU"
Thales ofMiletus (624 BCE 546 BCE) Pre-Socratic Greek philosopher One ofthe Seven Sages ofGreece Ethics - Metaphysics - Mathematics - Astronomy Notable for: Intercept Theorem, or "Thales' Theorem"

Thank you, Thales ofMiletus I must say this once more, for when the hand ofphilosophy was knocking you opened up the door!

Does that mean I have to get Thales a father's day gift, too?! Father ofmodern medicine, father of electricity, father of... I think I'll just send e-cards!

Id never heard ofAnaximander or Anaximenes Xenophanes, or Heraclitus, or even Parmenides But Pythagoras! Pythagoras! His name did ring a bell, We repeated his theorem often in high school math class (which I call hell).

"I'D NEVER HEARD OF..."

HAVING TROUBLE? Anaximander - ah nacks sih man der (610 BCE - 546 BCE) Anaximenes - ah nacks se meh knees (585 BCE - 528 BCE) Xenophanes - zeh noffen ease (570 BCE - 475 BCE) Heraclitus - her ah cly tus (535 BCE - 475 BCE) Parmenides - par men eh deez (Early 5th c. BCE) Pythagoras - (oh please you all know this one) pie thah gur-uss (app. 570 BCE- 495 BCE)

Only later did I learn that Anaximander had likely taught Pythagoras. Only later did I learn that Xenophanes produced the earliest forms ofsatire. Only later did I learn that Parmenides was first to blend logic with poetry Yes, only later did I discover the talents ofthese men whos names are forever in the shadows ofthe Pythagorean Theorem.

INTERMISSION Colour Socrates!

(We suggest using grey and white* crayons).

*You may feel as ifcolouring with a white crayon is, essentially, futile. But all human actions are ultimately quite futile, so go grab your best white crayon!

"A VISIT WITH PLATO"

As I was going to the caves I met a community with dozens ofslaves Every slave had seven shackles tied to the wall Every shackle kept them sitting and facing tall Away from the flame behind their poor heads While shadows danced, the slaves were mislead And how many were to escape?
Plato (428/7 BCE 348/7 BCE) Died at app. 80 years old Classical Greek philosopher and mathematician The famous student ofSocrates - most ofwhat we know of Socrates comes from Plato's many dialogues Rhetoric - Epistemology - Justice/Virtue - Society Notable for: Platonic Realism and his Theory ofForms

(None. None escape the cave).

Have you not heard ofCicero? An ancient Roman OfGreat Renown Tragedy marked his fate And thus his grandeur was rather late. And from the Greeks did he steal Words for philosophical deals Humanitas, Qualitas, Quantitas, and Essentia None could deny their use (Not one patrician was bitchin') Not at all. And though he valued philosophy He dismissed it for political debauchery

CICERO
Marcus Tullius Cicero (106 BCE 43 BCE) Roman Constitutionalist / Statesman Great Prose Stylist of"Golden Age" Latin Politics - Law - Rhetoric - Astronomy - Orator Notable for: Writing and Revision ofHistorical Texts

He was declared an Enemy ofthe State For believing that Mark Antony was second-rate And sentenced to death by the Second Triumvirate. And though beheading is a man's unmaking It does not mean he is bad at creating For hundreds ofyears hence He inspired the European Renaissance.

There is little that need be done to the words ofa man so widespread in his effects. Therefore,

"OH REALLY, US?"

Marcus Aurelius (121 ACE 180 ACE) Roman Emperor Also known as Marcus Annius Catilius Severus Stoicism - Pragmatism - Philosophical Exercises Notable for: "the point ofview ofthe cosmos"

I shall present to thee in different format entirely for show, but similar content the words well known. Live a good life... iffthere are gods, and they are just, then they... Will not care. How? Devout you have been! ... But will welcome you based on the virtues you have? Lived by, ifthere are. Gods but unjust! Then... you should not want to worship them. Ifthere are. No gods. Then you will be gone. But will have lived. A noble life that will live on in the memories ofyour loved ones.

IT'S CALLED ART, MARY. ART. Get with the times. But... wait, that's just a Marcus Aurelius quo-

SAI Who was Leonard ofPisa. does anyone know? Well, it might surprise you to see, That this name that sounds so commonplace Is none other than good old filius Bonacci!

"HELLO, HINDU-ARABIC NUMERAL SYSTEM" FIBONACCI

But you know him better as Fibonacci Shortened from latin for the son ofBonaccio Renowned for his book on arithmetic in the decimal system Into Europe, his teachings did flow. The basics ofhis system we now commonly use for adding, subtracting, and more, but as you grow older youll hear ofthe Fibonacci sequence: 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34... Making squares with these numbers as widths in mind, we fall upon the Fibonacci spiral. and we could say, as iftelling the youth oftoday this swirl has gone quite viral. Fibonaccis little swirl is everywhere in nature in our own human anatomy too little did we understand at the time ofits discovery how widespread the pattern really was - who knew?

Leonardo Pisano Bigollo (1170 1250) Also known as Leonardo Pisano, Leonardo Bonacci, and most commonly Fibonacci Italian Mathematician Notable for: Fibonacci Sequence

Diplomat, advisor, theorist, historian many titles given to this man. But what has stuck most ofall? Ofcourse, the phrase Machiavellian. Now meaning a character ofdeception ofthe political kind, Machiavelli is rarely applauded for his studious use ofthe mind.

MACHIAVELLI

A thorough proponent ofpolitical power and leadership, he organized well He also wrote a number ofnovels, plays and sonnets... though none will ring a bell. For Machiavelli shall always remain the picture ofpolitical cunning and deceit, and while this is not an inaccurate claim could there be more to learn from him, which we ignore to date.

Niccol di Bernardo dei Machiavelli (May 1469 June 1527) Considered a founder ofpolitical science Italian Diplomat Notable for: His book, "Il Principe"

"REASON AND HUMANI-TEA"

Hobbes and Rousseau fell out, And what do you think it was about? Hobbes loved reason And Rousseau humanity, So upon the social contract could they never agree.
Thomas Hobbes (April 1588 December 1679) From Wiltshire Author ofLeviathan Politics - Ethics - Geometry - Empiricism Notable for: The Social Contract Jean-Jacques Rousseau ( June 1712 July 1778) Genevan Writer and Composer Hemorrhaged at 66. Politics - Romanticism - Education - Humanity Notable for: General Will and Amour-Propre

FUN GUESSING GAME!

In the delightful poem we just read, it was stated that Rousseau trusted in humanity. Meanwhile, Hobbes' state of nature is described as "solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short". Which one ofthese men looks bitter and cold-hearted enough to come up with this concept ofthe "state ofnature"? B A OR

Answer: You can tell by the puckered, scowling glare that B is our man. His eyes twinkle with disappointment.

DESCARTES
All around the mulberry bush, he thought, therefore he was. But what would happen ifhe thinks not? Pop, no more Descartes? All around the philosophical armchair, he repeats cogito, ergo sum Writes it down in his Discourse ofMethod and Bam! we hear ofit for days to come. Born one lovely day in France, Died one day in Sweden. Pneumonia caught the best ofhim Non cogitare ultra!

Ren Descartes (March 1596 February 1650) Occasionally dubbed "father ofmodern philosphy" Metaphysics - Epistemology - Mathematics Notable for: Cogito Ergo Sum

"FREE BREAD"
The itty bitty Spinoza went to the market town. His father had sent him to pick up some bread. He arrives at the Bakers, with change in hand, and this is what he said: He alone is free who lives with free consent under the entire guidance ofreason. Tell me sir, are you a free man? This is how I will tell ifyour bread is decent.
Baruch Spinoza (November 1632 February 1677) Jewish-Dutch Philosopher Founder ofSpinozism Ethics - Epistemology - Metaphysics Notable for: his views on Pantheism and existence in relation to theism.

The baker gives a hearty laugh and pats the little boy, Ofcourse I am free said the Baker in glee, and I bake freedom in to all I make. Small Spinoza asked ifthere was freedom in that cake. The Baker said yes. And in that pie?The Baker nodded again. So, would you say your bread is free as you yourselfto be? And when the Baker, full ofhis own freedom...

said yes, ofcourse, I bake freedom into everything! The boy had made offwith the loafofbread, without paying a cent. After all he called out running, you said it was free!

ALL LOCKE'D UP IN A BODY

What is the Lockean self? Lets ask Locke himself! He defines our human wiring as that conscious thinking thing. He believes the consciousness ofman is fixed in the body head, arm, leg, hand. as our body grows, our conscious mind unfolds as we fill out that tabula rasa. Locke fights the idea that we are born with innate wisdom. and proposes a different system. While not born inherently evil or good education provides the tools by which we shall become.

John Locke (August 1632 October 1704) Classical English Liberal Philosopher Metaphysics - Epistemology - Political Philosophy - Mind Notable for: Tabula Rasa

"LITTLE ALEX BAUMGARTEN"

Our little Alex Baumgarten, down in the palm garden picking up fragrant lilies for his sweetie. But Baumgartens use ofthe term aesthetics which had once meant sensation, now meant taste ofbeauty. So Baumgarten brings three lilies to a lady and tells her his definition ofattraction. He says aesthetics comes not from stimulation but taste and what do you think is his loves reaction? Lifting a pinkie with flowers in hand, she ate them all! though dirty and gritty. As Baumgarten stares with shock on his face she politely says, well now, am I pretty?

Alexander Gottlieb Baumgarten ( July 1714 May 1762) German Philosopher, born in Berlin Part ofthe "Enlightenment" Period Metaphysics - Aesthetics Notable for: Influencing Kant's understanding ofAestheticism

"ODE TO PHILOSOPHICAL BEARDS"

How big is your beard, dear philosopher? Let me see... Henry Sidgwicks grows tall as a tree. F.H. Bradley ofPedagogy, like a small grey tuft and Francis Bacons shorter still, though perhaps more robust. What is it about these studies, do they prompt thinkers to be so fuzzy? But what ofThomas Reid? you say, his facial hairs all gone away. And Marx is not a British man but his beard has grown widespread that it does not stop at his chin it made its way to the top ofhis head! Surely you make a generalization! Both Hegel and Nagel have no facial-fuzzy allocation!

We started this study quite covered in beard with Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, Epicurus, Plotinus, and more! Philosophys penchance for beards has perservered! Perhaps philosophy makes one grow cold? No, but maybe it makes one feel quite old? What could the reason be for so many beards in philosophy?

"A NIHILIST'S WINTER HOLIDAY"

The young little lad, all tucked in his bed In a small town near Leipzig, he rests his nihilist head. A strong sense ofbermensch is tickling his brain as he ponders the goals ofhumanity in vain. And when he awakes, the existential dread lingers woefully and pervasively (and will 'til he's dead!) Though our stout little Nietzsche has hope in his eyes For the eternal recurrence that his mother shall bake apple pies.

Why doesn't that little blurb just say, "Notable for: AWESOME MUSTACHE"?

He's also notable for being quoted by hipsters, but we're trying to be a little more professional.

Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche ("Neech-uh") (October 1844 August 1900) German philosopher, poet, cultural critic School ofWeimar Classicism, "Pre-Post-Structural" Nihilism - Existentialism - Perspectivism Notable for: death ofGod, the bermensch, and the Eternal Recurrence

"THE BASED MAN OF FRANCE"

Baa-baa Georges Bataille, have you any base materialism? No sir, no sir, we dont want your erotic chauvinism. No Solar Anus, Not The Story ofThe Eye, Well read your works on Nietzsche But Blue ofNoon? Id rather die! Baa-baa, Georges Bataille, have you any base materialism? No sir, no sir, we cant stomach your erotic chauvinism.

Georges Albert Maurice Victor Bataille (September 1897 July 1962) French intellectual and literary figure Western-Continental Influenced by Hegel, Marx, Nietzsche, Marquis de Sade, Freud Notable for: Base Materialism, Erotism, Limit-experience

"PREPARING FOR DINNER PARTY WITH AYN RAND"

Why, why, pumpkin pie, does nobody like Ayn Rand? Ill start, start, cherry tart, to help you understand. 3, 4, shoes on the floor She calls people on welfare parasites 5, 6, lace up quick and took social security and medicare for cancer treatment. Why, why, pumpkin pie, does nobody like Ayn Rand? Ill start, start, cherry tart, to help you understand. 7, 8, Figs and dates, She was born into a bourgeois family 9, 10, forks and plates and made numerous claims ofknowing exactly what the lower class should do with their lives.
Ayn ("Ine") Rand Born "Alisa Zinov'yevna Rosenbaum" (February 1905 March 1982) Russian-American novelist, playwright, screenwriter Notable for: Atlas Shrugged, Conservative Egotism, laissezfaire capitalist views, giving the Objectivist movement a bad name.

11, 12, Mr. Galts at the door, Her fiction starts offwell, 13, 14, did you polish the floor? until she concludes that everything about human nature should prompt us to be selfish assholes. Why, why, pumpkin pie, does nobody like Ayn Rand? At least, least, broccoli quiche I hope youve begun to understand.

"EXISTENTIALISM IS IN THE AIR"

Condemned to be free, condemned to be free! Shouted the googly-eyed existentialist in glee. But clearly, as anyone could see, He was only condemned to a habit ofchain-smoking. From edema ofthe lung, dead was He.

Jean-Paul Charles Aymard Sartre ( June 1905 15 April 1980) French philosopher, playwright, novelist, screenwriter, political activist, biographer, and literary critic Existentialism - Metaphysics - Phenomenology - Ontology Notable for: "l'existence prcde l'essence"

THE END
debatably,

Ifyou liked Baby's First Philosophical Crisis, you can - read the author's other philosophical work, "Through the Cave and Back Again: A Modern Critique ofPlato's Allegory ofThe Cave in Book VII of The Republic" - contact the author at garlowa@mcmaster.ca - donate to support the author via soycrates.tumblr.com