ELF AFAK MAHREM RYAMDA bir uan balon gryordum.

Rengini seemiyordum ama gkyz gpgri, bulutlar bembeyaz, gne de sapsar olduuna gre, gpgri, bembeyaz ya da sapsar dnda bir renk olmalyd muhakkak. Aksi takdirde onu gremezdim. Ryamda grdm uan balon grld mddete var, grlmedii anda yoktu. Uan balon usul usul ayor, bembeyaz bulutlar nazl nazl szlyor, gpgri gkyz katre katre kararyor, sapsar gne sessiz sedasz batyordu ki, iddetli bir rzgr kt aniden. Aniden kan rzgrn iddetiyle sarsldk hep birden. Kire, katran ve balk; al rp, brt bcek ve toz toprak yayordu zerimize. Tufan grdklerime kamasn diye, iki gzm birden kapatmaya mecbur kaldm. Kirpiklerim kirpiklerime dediinde, suyla temas eden kzgn yan kard sese benzer bir ses duyuldu. Balon hava karyordu; gzden rak kald her saniye iin bir tutam boluk pskrtyordu bolua. Kusuyordu balon, imdiye dein yedii ne varsa. Telala gzlerimi atm. Ge kalmtm. O yoktu artk. Ben vardm. Uyanmtm.

THE GAZE I was dreaming about a flying balloon. I couldnt make out the colour, but because the sky was charcoal-grey, and the clouds were snow-white, and the sun was brightyellow, it was definitely a colour other than charcoal-grey, snowwhite or bright-yellow. The flying balloon in my dream existed for as long as I could see it, but ceased to exist the moment I couldnt. The flying balloon rose rhythmically, the snow-white clouds floated coyly by, the charcoal-grey sky darkened little by little, and just as the bright-yellow sun was setting silently and without echo, a violent wind blew up. All at once, we were shaken by the violence of the sudden wind. Lime, tar and clay; sticks and twigs, bugs and dusty earth rained down on us. I had to close both my eyes so that the storm wouldnt take away what I saw. As I shut them, when my eyelashes touched, a noise like the sound of boiling oil coming into contact with water was heard. Air was escaping from the balloon; it was spraying emptiness into the emptiness for each moment it was out of sight. Anxiously, I opened my eyes. I was too late. It didnt exist after all. I existed. I was awake. B-C was sitting on the edge of the bed, with his eyebrows raised, looking at me angrily. Enough already. Ive been shaking you for some time now, but I couldnt wake you. You were sleeping so deeply. Without giving me a chance to answer, he roughly pulled the blanket off me. With the blanket gone, my body resembled a rowboat that had been stranded, rolled up in its nets, in a sea from which the water had been drained away. I was deprived of the warm darkness of water. I emerged fearfully into the daylight, but not fast enough for B-C. While I slept, I was able to move my limbs this way and that, taking pleasure in the fact that I was hidden from view by the blanket, and now I was trying nervously to compose them. B-Cs insistent call was pulling them to him like a magnet.

Be-Ce karyolann ucuna oturmu, kalarn atm, kzgn kzgn bakyordu. "E pes yani! Deminden beri drtklyorum, bir trl uyandramadm. Amma da ar uykun varm." Cevap vermeme frsat brakmadan, zerimdeki battaniyeyi hoyrata ekip ald. Battaniye gidince, sular aniden ekilen bir denizde, dertop olmu alaryla birlikte cascavlak ortada kalan bir sandala benzedi vcudum. Artk sularn lk karanlndan yoksundum. Gnna kyordum bana korkutucu, Be-Ce'ye kifayetsiz gelen bir hzla. Ben uyurken, rasgele oraya buraya salmann ve battaniyenin altnda gzden rak olmann keyfini sren tm uzuvlarm imdi telala bir araya gelmeye alyordu. BeCe'nin srarc ars, mknats gibi kendine ekiyordu onlar.

"Darda yer yerinden oynuyor, kzlca kyamet kopuyor, han-fendi hl horul horul. Hadi kalk! Kalk da curcunay seyret." Teras kaps ardna kadar akt ve pfr pfr rzgr doluyordu ieriye. Perdeler, filmlerdeki hayaletli evlerin perdelerine has dehetengiz bir kvraklkla bir oraya bir buraya savrulduka, aradaki boluktan gkyz grlyordu. Yldzsz, bulutsuz, aysz bir gece; k gzlerimizi kamatrmasn diye taklm, simsiyah bir filtre. Ben pencereden uzak durdum. Grdklerimi Be-Ce'nin gznden grdm. Pencereden uzakta, BeCe'nin gznden baknca grlen uydu: Yokuun banda/ elli yalarnda/ etine dolgun/ yz solgun/ tonton mu tonton/ bir kadn/ gecelii pazen/ terlikleri ponpon/ frlam sokaa/ sokak lambasnn altnda/ lambaya en/ kesen/ sineklere bakmakta/ her neyse kaybettii/ byle gece vakti/ belli ki aramakta/ sineklerin kanatlarnda/ Elli yalarnda/ elli pare top atyla/ szm szm/ acsn kutlamakta/ her parede kdm kdm/ gbek atmakta/ evli barkl/ ocuk anas/ susuz limonlar gibi memeleri/ erken kurudu rahmi/ oysa sevmezdi kann/ aklnn ucundan gemezdi/ zleyebilecei/ ama abuk kabullendi/ zaten o hep byleydi/ hep munis/ ve de suspus/ kimse ondan l piiremezdi/ spanakl kol breini/ bir kaa dokuz mant sdrrd/ kalem inceliinde sarard/ yaprak sarmasn/ inci gibiydi yazs/ okuldayken yani/ o zamanlar her ey ne iyiydi/ lk bir st misali/ boazndan aa iniyordu hayat/ iini starak/ o zamanlar/ herkes etrafnda pervane/ emrine amade/ sonradan kocas olacak hergele/ en ok da o/ nasl da dolanrd peinde/ "hergele laf az bile/ bunca seneden sonra/ hi utanmadan/ yana bana bakmadan/ sen kalk da/ mis gibi yuvan/ gl gibi karn/ boyunca ocuklarn/ et feda/ hem de kimin uruna/ kz yandaym valla/ yosmann teki/ hevesi geince/ parasn yiyince/ haydi yallah/ kklayacak bizimkini/ sk diini/ zaten erkek ksmnn/ akl sonradan gelir

Everything is being shaken loose outside, all hell is breaking loose, and her ladyship is still snoring away. Come on, get up. Get up and watch the commotion. The terrace door was wide open, and the wind was gently wafting in. As the curtains were being blown here and there with a terrifying effect peculiar to the curtains in haunted houses in films, the sky was visible through the gap between them. A starless, cloudless, moonless night; a pitch-black filter had been placed over our eyes in order that they might not be dazzled. I stood well away from the window. I saw what I saw with B-C s eyes. Well away from the window, what I saw with B-Cs eyes was this: At the foot of the hilly street/ in her fifties/ meaty/ pale-faced/ docile/ a woman/ a housewife/ her night-gown is flannel/ her slippers have pom-poms/ thrown out in the street/ under the street light/ watching the flies/ swarming around the light/ blocking the light/ everything lost/ at this time of night/ her eyes fixed/ on the wings of the flies/ In her fifties/ with fifty tosses of the ball/ aching/ ready to celebrate her suffering/ complaining every step of the way/ ready to do a belly dance/ married and with a family/ mother of three children/ breasts like desiccated lemons/ her womb dried up early/ yet she wouldnt have loved her blood/ she would never have imagined/ the fact that she had been missed/ but accepted quickly/ though she was always that way/ always sociable/ and quiet as a mouse/ no one would have made/ spinach pastry like she did/ she could fit nine dumplings onto a spoon/ would have rolled them as thin as a pencil/ her grape-leaf dolma/ her writing was like pearls/ when she was in school, that is/ everything was fine in those days/ like warm milk/ life slipped easily down her throat/ warming her inside as it did/ in those days/ everyone around her a propeller/ at her orders/ her rough husband-to-be/ him above all/ how he ran after her/ the rough one doesnt even talk much/ after all these years/ without feeling the least bit of shame/ without considering his age/

bana/ dayan ocuklarn hatrna/ hem, tek sen misin sanki/ hepimiz getik bu yollardan/ az ceviz krmad rahmetli baban/ hi ses kardm m bunca zaman/ farzet ki/ kzlck erbeti/ geecek elbet/ gemeli/ her ey gibi/ bu da geip gidecek/ elbet dnecek/ diz kp af dileyecek/ senden l kim yapabilir ki/ spanakl kol breini/ hem kim sdrabilir/ dokuz manty bir kaa/ o rfnt mutfan yolunu bilir mi sanki/ onun mahareti baka/ Bylelerinin kadnl kibrit atei/snyerir yataktan knca/ oysa sen/ senin kadnln dillere destan? hem/ gecelii pazen/ terlikleri ponpon/ aksilii tutsa da bazen/ her daim tonton/ lk bir st misali/ boazndan aa inerken/ hayat/ iini starak/ usul usul kayp giderken/ aniden/ berbat bir tad/ belki de st bayat/ telala kard/ o iren yapkanl/ stn kaymayd/ midesi buland ponponlardan biri/ iyice gevemi/ dudaktan yrtlan l deri gibi/ kendi etini/ ku evini/ ait olduu yeri/ terk etmeye yeltenmi/ sallanyor/ belli ki kopacak/ belli ki gidici/ peki ya teki/ ya salam olan ponpon/ salam m acaba/ yoksa salam rol m yapyor/ olmad bir eye yknyor/ anlamak iin hakikati/ ponpona kuvvetlice almal/ ama ya koparsa/ hem de salam olduu halde/ gz gre gre/ en iyisi/ hi kalkmamak/ ama merak ite/ bilmek istiyor/ ve grmek/ gzlerinin grebileceklerini/ karyor terliini/ salam ponponlusu-nu/ sinekler ok uzakta/ le peinde akbabalar gibi/ kara kara didikliyorlar n etini/ tpatp ayn hepsi/ ama kadn gayet iyi biliyor/ hangisini gzne kestireceini "Orospu sinek! Orooospuu! Orospu sineeeek!" Kadnn sesi bld biti havay. "Orossspuuu sineekkkmmm, Orooospu Sineeem!" Pencereden uzakta, BeCe'nin gznden baknca grdm uydu: Gecenin bir hayli ge bir saatinde, stanbul'un iki yakasndan birinde, mazbut ailelerle zndk bekrlarn i ie oturduu tarrakas bol bir semtte, kmas zor inmesi zor bir yokuun tepesinde, muhtemelen elli yalannda ocuk anas bir kadn, sokak lambasna konan sinek

you get up and go/ such a lovely nest/ wife like a rose/ the children along with her/ sacrifice it all/ and for whom/ the girl could be his daughters age/ she was a real coquette/ when she got tired of him/ when she spent his money/ out/ she would get rid of him/ grit your teeth/ the male part in any event/ later on hell come to his senses/ endure for the sake of your children/ besides you werent the only one/ weve all been down that road/ its not as if your late father didnt make his share of mistakes/ I didnt say a word all this time/ do your duty/ cherry sherbet/ of course it will pass/ its a passing phase/ like every thing/ this too will pass/ of course hell come back/ hell get on his knees and ask forgiveness/ who else but you can make/ your spinach pastry/ and who can fit/ nine dumplings onto a spoon/ as if that slut even knew the way to the kitchen/ she has other skills/ her kind of womanhood is like the flame of a match/ it extinguishes as soon as she gets out of bed/ in that case you/ your womanhood was legendary/ too/ Flannel night-gown/ slippers with pom-poms/ even if shes peevish sometimes/ shes forever sweet/ like warm milk/ as it moves down her throat/ softly losing itself/ in the moment/ a rancid taste/ perhaps the milk is spoiled/ she spat it out anxiously/ that disgusting stickiness/ it was the cream on top of the milk/ it turned her stomach. One of the pom-poms/ is very loose/ like dead skin torn from the lip/ it attempted to leave/ its own flesh/ the birds home/ the place where it belongs/ it dangles/ its clear it will come off/ its clear it wont last/ but what about the other one/ the pom-pom thats still sound/ is it really sound/ or is it just pretending to be sound/ is it mimicking something it isnt/ a truth to be understood/ the pom-pom must be pulled forcefully/ but if it comes off anyway/ even in its sound state/ openly/ the best thing to do/ not to try to do the impossible/ but thats curiosity for you/ she wants to know/ and see/ whatever her eyes can see/ she takes off her slipper/ the one with

Sinem'den kocasn geri istiyordu bara ara. Kpekler uluyor, kaplar alyor, klar yanyor, bebekler alyor, dedikodu tular tkr tkr yazyordu gelecek gnlerin gzde konusunu. Konu komu balkonlara, pencerelere m; sokaa dolumutu. aknlktan falta gibi alm gzleri, kopan kyametin kzllnda l l parlyordu. Bir gecede, btn k yetecek kadar mevzu kmt mahalleliye. Herkes cokuyla kpn dolduruyordu. Herkes dediysem, ev ahalisi hari! Ev ahalisi neye uradn arm yaln ayak peinden frlam ocuklar kzkardeler yeenler enite bey zerlerinde pijamalar gecelikler yzlerinde kremler salarnda bigudiler kadnn etrafn sarmlar imdire imdire ekitire ekitire yalvar yakar eve sokmaya alyorlar eve gidelim de orada ne yaparsa yapsn istedii kadar alasn barsn arsn eve sokalm ki konu komu grmesin duymalar mhim deil yeter ki grmesinler ev ahalisinin yzlerinden ele gne rezil olmann deheti damlyor pr pr ailenin en k bu hengmeden en az nasibini alan henz be yanda sevimli kerata pr pr damlayan dehetleri ipe dizmi kolye yapm boynuna asm hoplayp zpladka ngr ngr yeni dehetlerin peinde ocuk akl ne bilsin ite hevesle topluyor dehet damlalarn bykler ufakln ne yaptnn farknda deiller onlar cmbr cemaat kadn zaptetmeye alyorlar ama kolay deil hi kolay deil zaptedemiyorlar kiminin teyzesi kiminin ablas kiminin annesi olan kadn deli kuvveti gelmi olmal krk tarak dayanmaz derler deli ksmnn tek bir sa telini taramaya yle kuvvet verirmi delilik insana Baktlar olacak gibi deil, baktlar hepten km zvanadan, kadn derdest edip karga tulumba bir taksiye attlar. Kendi arabalar da vard ama gene kaldrma park edip, yolu kapatmt birileri. Geri nlerini tkayan arabann sahibi muhtemelen seyircilerin arasnda olduundan onu bulmak hi de zor olmayacakt ama en iyisi hi uramamakt. En iyisi bir taksiye binip bir an evvel gitmekti buraya en yakn ve buradan en uzak hastaneye. Taksi

the sound pom-pom/ the flies are far away/ like vultures after carrion/ like a black cloud devouring the lights flesh/ everything is exactly the same. ..but the woman knows very well/ which one she will choose. Whore fly! Whore! Whore fly! The womans voice cuts through the air. Well away from the window. This is what I saw through B-Cs eyes. Quite late at night, in one of the two sides of Istanbul, in a neighbourhood where morally upright families and freethinking single people frequently lived side-byside, at the top of a steep hill that was difficult to ascend and descend, a woman, probably in her fifties, the mother of three children, was leaning against the lamp-post, shouting to the flies that she wanted her husband back. Dogs were howling, doors were opening, lights were burning, babies were crying, and the gossip of the next few days was being composed. The neighbours had gathered on the balconies and at the windows; theyd spilled out into the street. Their eyes, shining brightly with the heat of the commotion, were as wide as saucers from surprise. There was enough material to feed the gossip mill of the neighbourhood all winter. Everyone was eagerly taking in as much as they could. If I said everyone, I meant excluding the inhabitants of the house! The inhabitants of the house, among them children, sisters, nephews and in-laws, surprised at what had befallen them, ran out barefoot, in pyjamas and night-gowns, with cream on their faces and rollers in their hair, and surrounded the woman, pinching and pulling and begging her, trying to get her inside. Lets go home so she can do whatever she wants, cry and shout as much as she wants, lets get her inside so the neighbours wont see her. It doesnt matter if they hear her so long as they dont see her. The fear of embarrassment shows on the faces of all the inhabitants of the house except for the youngest in the family. He is a loveable rascal who at the age of five least

ofr/ gen irisi/ yeni evli/ ocuklar olana dein/ almas iin/ kansna msaade etti/ ileri grl olmakla vnr/ zaten nian, dn derken/ boazlarna kadar borlandlar/ hanmn da almasnda fayda var/ taksi ofr/ genten bir adam/ gece ondan sonra alr arabay/ sabaha kadar alr/ sabah oldu mu arkadana devreder/ ikisi beraber/ piyango zengini bir herife alrlar/ herif sonradan grme/ kelle kulak yerinde/ varil gibi/ ryalarnda hl yoksul grr kendini/ uyannca kreder/ yksek sesle/ bir kuruun hesabn yapar/ hesabn sorar/ alak sesle/ Allah'n kulana gitmesin diye/ taksi ofr ve arkada/ kazansalar da kazanmasalar da/ hep ayn miktar/ sayarlar patronun avucuna/ taksicinin arkada ileri grl deildir ama/ karsnn almasna msaade etmez/ zaten etse bile kim ie alr ki ylesini/ kadn kadn deil hilkat garibesi/ boy boy be ocuk dourmu/ beini de kendine benzetmi/ az burun yamulmu/ aanoz gibi her biri/ oysa bizimkinin kars yle mi/ fidan gibi/ incecik taze/ biraz boy fukaras/ o da olsa manken gibi kz valla/ harcanyor butiklerde/ kendi sylediydi/ herifin teki dadanm/ kazak, gmlek bahanesiyle/ her gn damlyormu dkkna/ taksici yarn gidip el koyacak duruma/ kars aklna gelince/ ii gdklanyor bazen/ bir iki kez dayanamad zaten/ ekti arabay evin nne/ byk altndan glmsedi mahalleli/ artk evin semtinden dahi gemiyor/ kesintisiz almal/ alyor da Allah iin/ geri bu gece kk bir kaamak vard aklnda ama/ belki unlardan kurtulduktan sonra/ dikiz aynasndan arkadakileri seyrediyor/ "yazk" diyor iinden/ "fttrm zavall/ kolay m bu pahallkta/ her gn zam her gn zam"/ srf bu sebepten/ gece almaya balad zaten/ gece mterisi/ kalkp gndz mterisi gibi/ taksicinin kazancn hesaplamaz/ gece mterisi baka ey konuur/ hani sanrsn ki/ insan ya ar konuur ya klliyen samalar ya/ gece mterisi/ar konuurken samalar/ samalarken ar konuur/ "geenlerde mesela/ aynen byle bir lrupgn/*aiz: burun yamulmu/ dut gibi/ gn aarmakta/ gecenin bei/

accepts this commotion as part of his lot. The others wear their fears as if they were on a string, like a bracelet or a necklace. They jump around looking for new fears. The elders are not aware of what the young one is doing, theyre too busy trying to get the woman under control but its not easy, not easy at all. They cant get this woman whos someones aunt, someones sister and someones mother because she has the strength of a madwoman, they say that a crazy person has the strength of ten people. They saw that they werent likely to succeed, they saw that she was completely out of control, so they manhandled her into a taxi. They had their own car, but once again someone had parked on the pavement and blocked their way. Indeed the car that was blocking them was probably owned by one of the people who was watching and it wouldnt have been difficult to find him, but they thought it best not to bother. It was best just to take a taxi as soon as possible to the nearest and farthest hospital. The taxi driver/ a young hunk/ newly married/ allowed his wife/ to work/ until they had children/ praised for being progressive/ but by the time they got married/ they were already up to their necks in debt/ there are advantages to having your wife work/ a man younger than the taxi driver/ will take over the taxi later at night/ and work until morning/ as soon as its morning hell turn it back over to his friend/ both of them together/ work for someone who won the lottery/ seeing the man later/ a big, strapping man/ like a barrel/ still dreams that hes poor/ gives thanks when he wakes/ in a loud voice/ still counts his pennies/ asks for his penny/ in a low voice/ so God wont hear/ the taxi driver and his friend/ whether they earn money or not/ always count out the same amount/ into their bosss palm/ but the taxi drivers friend is not progressive/ he wont allow his wife to work/ even if he did who would hire someone like her/ shes not a lady but a kind of monstrosity/ she gave birth to five children one after the other/ and all five looked like

herif tutturdu 'hadi!/ gidelim/ Fatih'in mezarn bulalm/ yakasna yapalm/ ne demeye aldn sen bu ehri?/ kaydraktan kaydr gemileri/ ver onca ehidi/ bunun iin mi ulan hepsi?'/ sarholuk ite/ inat etmi/ gaza gelmi"/ taksici ses etmezdi gene de/ ama bi de bakt ki/ sarho karm kafay camdan/ bas bas baryor/ "Fatih Sultaaan!/ Sultan Fatiiih!/ Nerdesin?/ Kalk da bak!/ Bak ne hallere koydular torununu!"/ imkn yok susmuyor/ o saatte namaza giden ehl-i Mslman/ dehet iinde/ taksiye bakyor/ taksici akn/ bakt ki baa kamyor/ ekti arabay karakolun nne/ brakt sarhou polislerin eline/ sonradan piman oldu/ eker sarhotu Fatih'in torunu/ yaka paa/ gtrlrken karakola/ dnp sormutu/ "kula kpeliymi diyolar, doru mu?"/ iine kurt dmt taksicinin/ az kalsn birilerine soracakt Fatih'in kpesini/ "kendine gel" dedi kendine/ "deli olma elin delisiyle/ olacak i mi yani?/ koskoca Fatih!/ hem sana ne?/ her iin bitti de/ Fatih'in kpesi mi kald?"/ haberlerde izlemiti geenlerde/ tmarhanelerin nfusu/ epeyce/ artm bu sene/ "belli arkadaki kar da trlatm/ ulan bu canm memlekette/ ya kudura kudura lecez/ ya da delire delire!" arkadakiler kadn teskin etmeye abalarken, ndeki adam titreyen ellerle sigara tutuyor taksi ofrne, daha iki nefeste duman 11 doluyor taksiye, camlar smsk kapal, amyorlar, adam dert yanyor bir yandan, "baldz bu benim baldz, evini terk etti bizim yanmzday-d yazdan beri, tutturdu boanacam diye, tane de ocuu var boyu kadar, bu yatan sonra nereye boanacaksa kolayd sanki, hayatlarnda ev geindirmemiler ki bunlar, hep kocalarnn eline bakmlar, kolay sanyorlar ay sonunu getirmeyi, ne yiyip ne iecek boannca, brak ne halleri varsa grsnler dedim benim karya, anlatamadm, al ite byle oldu, sabah akam vd vd konuurlar, baldz alar benimki alar benimki alar baldz alar, ka defa syledim, yapma dedim iyi etmiyosun, bak daha beter oluyo ablan, baka eyler konuun oyalansn biraz, kn gidin

her/ twisted mouths and noses/ all of them misshapen / though our mans wife isnt at all like that/ shes slender/ thin and fresh/ though a bit lacking in height/ in spite of that the girl looks like a model, honestly/ shes wasting herself working in boutiques/ she said so herself/ this guy is bothering her/ with the excuse of buying sweaters and shirts/ he drops by the shop every day/ The taxi driver is going to go by tomorrow and put a stop to it/ when he thinks of his wife/ he sometimes feels the itch/ a couple of times he couldnt stand it/ he pulled his cab up in front of the house/ while the whole neighbourhood laughed up its sleeve/ but he doesnt even go much to the district where he lives/ he has to work without a break/ he does work, for God/ to tell the truth he was thinking of having a little adventure tonight with his wife/ maybe when he gets rid of these customers/ he looks at the passengers in the rear-view mirror/ What a pity, he says to himself/ The poor thing has gone round the bend/ it isnt easy with things getting so expensive/ prices going up every day. Indeed it was for this reason alone/ that he started working nights/ night customers/ dont add up what the driver makes/ the way day customers do/ night customers talk about different things/ youd think/ that a person either talks about serious things or about total nonsense/ but night customers/ are nonsensical when they talk about serious things/ and serious when they talk nonsense/ For instance just the other day/ I had a customer just like that/ his face misshapen/ pickled as a newt/ almost dawn/ five in the morning/ the guy insisted/ Come on/ lets find Sultan Mehmet the Conquerers tomb/ lets have a word with him/ what the hell did you conquer this city for?/ dragging your ships over the hills/ so many men martyred/ all for this stupid place? / he was drunk/ he was stubborn/ he was determined/ the taxi driver didnt say anything of course/ but he looked/ the drunk had stuck his head out the window/ shouting at the top of his voice/ Mehmet Sultan! Sultan Mehmet!/ Where are

kaplcalarda kaln ananz da aln romatizmasna iyi gelir kadncazn, ne dediysem dinletemedim, sabahtan akamlara kadar evde kanlar kzlar, vd vd srsne bereket, denizde kum bunlarda akraba, dne dolaa, temcit pilav gibi sta sta, kimse ikna edemedi, tutturmu illa da boanacam, en sonunda gitti avukata da bavurdu, bu sabah bir yaz gelmi mahkemeden, iyi dedim muradna erdin herhal kna yak gbek at, yalanm varsa ne oluyum ekmek arpsn gzlerini prtletip yle bi bakt ki bana, Allah dedim o vakit anladm kar deliriyo, ama benimkine sylesem bana inanmaz, ablasna toz kondurmaz, neyse dedim yarn ola hayrola, baktm baldz da sakinlemi bu arada, yemekten sonra bulaklar ykayp odasna ekildi, en sevdii dizi vard halbuki, hi karmazd, dnp de bakmad bile, midesi ard iin bardak bardak lk st iip erkenden yatmaya gitti, zaten rya grmezmi ta gen kzlndan beri, bizde de kafay koymasyla uyumas bir olurdu, en erken o kalkard, kahvalty hazrlard noksansz kusursuz, yumurtalar hep kays kvamnda, yani ay bile daha gzeldi o yapnca, neme lazm doruya doru imdi, yle bi ekip evirirdi ki evini mutfan deme evhanm su dkemez eline, ne gezer benimkinde byle maharet, zerre kadar ekmemi ablasna, ama maharet neye yarar insan bahtsz olduktan sonra, tabii benim bacanan da kabahati byk, bunca seneden sonra olacak i deil yani, sylerken utanyorum valla, kz yanda, resmen kapatm dayal deli ev tutmu buna, kz pavyonda danszm, ad da Sinem bacanak geen sene tantrmt bizi, kendi halinde ufak tefek bi kzcaz, ses etmediydim kaamaktr geer diye, nerden aklma gelir o zamanlar ilerin byle sarpa saraca, boanmalara kadar varaca, neyse uzatmym, dizi bitti uyumaya gittik biz de, ne bilelim baldzn uyumadn, meer bizim yatmamz beklermi, biz yatar yatmaz frlam yataktan, stnde gecelik ayaklarnda ponpon terlikler, kapy 12 ap sokaa atm kendini, gren de sanr ki

you?/ Get up and look around!/ Look what a state theyve put your descendants in!/ there was no shutting him up/ true Moslems going to pray at that hour/ were terrified/ looking at the taxi/ the taxi driver was bewildered/ he couldnt cope with it/ so he pulled up in front of a police station. ..he left the drunk in the hands of the police/ later he regretted it/ Mehmet the Conquerors descendant was a goodnatured drunk/ as they manhandled him into the police station/ he turned and asked/ They say he wore an earring. Is that true?/ the taxi drivers curiosity was aroused/ he wanted to ask around about Mehmet the Conquerors earring/ Get a grip on yourself, he said to himself/ dont be as crazy as that madman/ as if it were possible/ The great Mehmet the Conqueror/ whats it to you anyway?/ as if we didnt have enough troubles/ to waste time worrying about Mehmet the Conquerors earring?/ he heard on the news the other day/ that the population of the insane asylums/ has risen dramatically/ this year/ Its clear that the woman in the back/ has gone out of her mind too/ my poor country/ were all going to die mad/ or insane! While the ones in the back were trying to get the woman under control, the one in the front lit a cigarette with shaking hands, and with a couple of puffs filled the taxi with smoke, the windows were closed tight, they wouldnt open them, but the man was getting his troubles off his chest, This is my sister-in-law, my sister-in-law, she left her house and has been staying with us since last summer, insisting she wants to get divorced, she has three children as big as herself/ as if at her age it will be easy to be divorced, these women have never provided for a household, theyve always been looked after by their husbands, they think its easy to make it to the end of the month, theyll have nothing to eat or drink when they divorce, I told my wife they deserve whatever befalls them, I couldnt explain it to her, anyway thats what happened, day and night they talk and talk, my sister-in-

bizim evde esirdi, grlt patrtya kalktk, bi de baktk ki baldz sokak ortasnda avaz kt kadar baryor, yetmezmi gibi bir yandan da gbek atyor, neye uradmz anlamadk valla, nasl byle oldu, niye, at bizi en yakn hastaneye, rezil olduk elleme, o telala para da almamz yanmza, kusura bakma kardeim, byle her ey bir anda olunca, byle apar topar pijamalarla ktk ite, czdan da almamm, akl m braktlar adamda, boanacam valla ben de boanacam, alsn deli ablasn romatizmal anasn, ne bok yerlerse yesinler bundan sonra, mrm gitti be, inan olsun kuru kuru harcand mrm bunlarn elinde," "Paray dert etme abi, kamyoruz ya! Hepimiz bu mahallenin insanyz nasl olsa," dedi taksi ofr. Renkler so-luyor, hareketler ya-va-l-yor. Adam bir eyler geveliyor aznda. stemeden dklyor kelimeler: "Sen hep bu mahalledesin de, bunca rezaletten sonra, biz burada kalabilecek miyiz acaba?" Ardndan sigara paketini karyor pijamasnn cebinden. Sululuk hissediyor birden. ofre anlatmak istiyor niye czdann almad halde sigara paketinin yannda olduunu. Konuamyor, boaz kupkuru. akman bulamyor cebinde. Takside drm olmal. Yoksa/ bandan beri yok muydu? Bir nceki sigaray nasl yaktn hatrlayamyor bir trl. Yoksa bu ilk sigaras m? Daha da beter sklyor can. Arabann akmann atmasn beklerken, yan gzle arkaya bakyor. Artk barmyor baldz; kesik kesik soluyor sadece. Bir de, yaras varm gibi acyla inliyor ara sra. Dikiz aynasndan gzlerini ayrmayan taksi ofr kendi paketinden bir sigara yakyor. Radyoyu amak geiyor iinden. Vazgeiyor, yakk almaz. Kadnlar ablalarna sarlm sessizce alyorlar. Katre katre ka-ra-r-yor gece; adm adm sarpla--yor yol. Adamn gs skyor. Cam ayor sonuna kadar. Havada kar souu var. Takside biriken sigara duman, klrengi bir uurtma olup kuyruunu sallaya sallaya kyor camdan. Kesiliyor sesler, duruluyor rzgr. Kesildi sesler, duruldu rzgr.

law cries, my wife cries, my sister-in-law cries, how many times have I told her, dont do that/ youre not helping, look, your sister is getting worse, talk to her about something else, why dont you go out to the spa, you can bring your mother, it will do the poor womans rheumatism good, whatever I said I couldnt get her to listen, day and night the house is full of women and girls, talking away, these women have more relatives than you can count, turning it around, bringing up the same subject again and again, no one could convince her, she insisted on getting a divorce, in the end she went to a lawyer, this morning a paper came from the court, good I said lets celebrate, she looked at me as if Id crawled out from under a rock, my God I understood then the woman was going mad, but if I told my wife she wouldnt have believed me, her older sister can do no wrong; I said I hope nothing goes wrong tomorrow, I saw that my sister-inlaw had calmed down, after dinner she washed the dishes and went off to her room, her favourite television show was on, she never missed it, she didnt even glance at it, she drank glass after glass of warm milk for her upset stomach and went to bed early, anyway she hasnt dreamt at all since she was a girl, she used to fall asleep the moment her head hit the pillow at our house too, she always got up earlier than anyone, she prepared a flawless breakfast, eggs with yolks like apricots, I mean even tea tasted better when she made it, she did it perfectly, no one could do things in the kitchen the way she did, my wife never had anything resembling that kind of proficiency, she doesnt take after her older sister at all, but what good is proficiency to someone so unlucky, of course my brother-inlaw is very much in the wrong, you dont do something like that after so many years, honestly Im embarrassed to talk about it, a girl her age, he set her up in a fully furnished house, the girl was a dancer in a sleazy night-club, her name is Sinem, he introduced her to us last year, shes just a little slip of a thing, I didnt

Filmlerdeki hayaletli evlerin perdelerine has dehetengiz bir kvraklkla bir oraya bir buraya savrulan perdeleri kapatrken, "yarn ilk ileri buradan tanmak olur. Barnamazlar artk buralarda," dedi Be-Ce. Buruk bir tebessmle ekledi: "Mahremiyetin gitti mi elden, sen_de_gitmelisin tez elden!" 13 I m "RYAMDA bir uan balon gryordum. Gpgri gkyzndeydi, bembeyaz bulutlarn arasnda, sapsar gnein glgesinde. Ben atya kmtm. Aadan uan balona bakyordum ki, iddetli bir rzgr kt aniden. Aniden kan rzgrn iddetiyle sarsldk hep birden. Simsiyah tozlar havaland yerden. Uan balon hzla srkleniyordu. Onu gzden yitirmemek iin vargcmle kouyordum atlarn zerinde. Ben kotuka kiremitler yuvarlanyordu aaya. Eilip baktm kiremitlerin dt yere. Aada, ehrin caddeleri l sld ve kalabalk. Yollara yuvarlanan kiremitler yznden arabalar kaza yapmt. Cart krmz, gcr gcr bir araba fkeyle soluyordu yolun ortasnda. n camn atlatmt kiremitler. atlan zerine kocaman bir rmcek a kurmutu. Dedikleri yere yapan incecik, effaf iplikler uuuyordu etrafta. Arabann sahibi beni aryordu, aradnn ben olduumu bilmeden. Gznn nndeydim ama benden phelenmiyordu. Bembeyaz kar yayordu simsiyah tozlarn zerine. Kaldrmdan yrmeye baladm. pliklere basmamak iin gayet yava yryordum. Birdenbire ayaklarma takld gzlerim. Ayaklarmda ku desenli yn patikler vard. Evden karken ayakkablarm giymeyi unutmu olmalydm. Utandm. Kimse grmeden, bir yerlerden ayakkab bulmalydm. Maazalarn vitrinleri cvl cvld. Bale pabular, ii krkl izmeler, sandaletler, backt botlar, ince topuklu kadn ayakkablar, yumurta topuklu erkek ayakkablar, cicili bicili ocuk ayakkablar vard vitrinlerde. Neli olduklar yazyordu etiketlerinde. Btn ayakkablar dondurmadan yaplmt. Byk maazalardan birine girip, vitrindeki kark meyveli botlar

say anything because I thought it was just a fling and it would pass, how could I have known then that it would become so complicated, that it would go as far as divorce, when the television show was over we went to bed, I didnt know my sister-in-law wasnt asleep, that she was waiting for us to go to bed, the moment we were in our bed she jumped out of hers, threw on her night-gown, put on the slippers with the pom-poms, opened the door and went out into the street, a passer-by might have thought she was a slave in our house, we were woken by the commotion, we looked out and saw her in the middle of the street shouting at the top of her voice, and as if that wasnt enough she was doing a belly dance at one point, we didnt know what the hell was going on, what had happened to her, just drop us off at the nearest hospital, how humiliating this is for us, in all that panic we didnt even bring any money with us, Im sorry about that brother, with everything happening at once, all of us tumbling out in our pyjamas, I didnt bring my wallet, theyd driven me out of my wits, Im going to get a divorce too, let her keep her crazy sister and her rheumatic mother, let them do whatever they want from now on, my life is finished, these women have squeezed the life out of me drop by drop. Dont worry about the money, brother, no one is going anywhere! After all, we all live in the same neighbourhood, said the taxi driver. Colours are fa-ding, movements are slow-ing. The man is chewing something. The words tumble out of his mouth: Youre always in this neighbourhood, but, after this humiliation are we going to be able to continue living here? He takes a cigarette pack from his pyjama pocket. He suddenly feels guilty. He wants to tell the taxi driver why it is that he brought cigarettes but not his wallet. He cant speak, his throat is completely dry. He cant find the lighter in his pocket. He must have dropped it in the taxi. Or else/ he hadnt had it with him from the start. He simply cant remember how he lit his last cigarette. Or is

satn aldm. ktmda, n cam atlam arabann sahibi gzlerini ksm, dikkatle beni szyordu. Parmaklarmn ucuna basa basa getim nnden. Peimden gelmedi. Kaldrm dndmde, uan balonu grdm sapsar gne17 in glgesinde. Gnlszce kprdad yerinden. O ekilir ekilmez, sapsar gne aa kt. Korkuyla baktm yeni ayakkablarma. Damla damla, damla damla/ " "Ya anne yaa, unabi ey syle!" Dizimin acsyla sradm. Gene uyuyakalmtm, gene olmadk bir yerde. Ter iindeydim. Toparlanmaya alrken, burnuma alnd terimin kokusu. Bakalarnn da kokuyu alp almadn anlamak iin etrafma bakndm. Minibsteydim. Bindiimde benden baka kimse yoktu. leden sonra bu saatlerde bu istikamete giden pek nadir olduundan, minibsn kolay kolay dolmayacan, dolmadan da kalkmayacan biliyordum. O rahatlkla uyuyakalmm. Zaten len yemeini abarttm yetmezmi gibi, bir de stne iki porsiyon kazandi-bini cila ekince, adm atacak halim kalmamt. Epey uyumu olmalym. Minibs tamamen dolmu. Bir kii eksik sadece. O da gelsin, yola koyulacaz. Yanmdaki kadn gz ucuyla beni izliyor. Muhtemelen ter kokusunun farknda. Kucandaki kz ocuunun, rengi adalanm ilek reelini andran ayakkabsnn pirin tokas hl dizime batyor. ocuun bunu bilerek yaptndan phem yok. Srf beni uyandrmak iin, uyanaym da kenara kayaym diye. "Ya anne yaa, una bi ey syle!" diye crlayan da o. Geri ben de uyku rehavetiyle iyice yaylmm. Derhal toparlanmalym. Bacaklarm bititirip, pencereye yanayorum. Srt antam yan taraftan alp, kucama koyuyorum. antay kaldrnca, altndan, baharatl san leblebilerle dolu kesekd kyor. Minibs dolana kadar attrmak iin almtm, unutmuum. Kesekdn da kaldnnca, epeyce yer alyor onlara. Gene de memnun deiller. Bilhassa kadn, bir trl rahat edemediini gsteren abartl hareketler yapyor; bir sa baca bir sol baca ste gelecek ekilde sk sk bacak bacak stne atyor; har huur sesler kartarak

this his first cigarette? This distresses him even more. While hes waiting for the cars cigarette lighter to pop out, he glances towards the back seat. His sister-in-law isnt shouting any more; shes just breathing heavily. Also, from time to time she moans as if shes in pain. Without taking his eyes from the rear-view mirror, the taxi driver lights a cigarette from his own pack. He considers turning on the radio. He changes his mind, it would be inappropriate. The women are embracing their sister and crying silently. Little by little the night is becoming dark-er; step by step the road is getting steep-er. His chest has congested. He opens the window all the way. Its cold enough out for snow. The cigarette smoke that has built up in the taxi pours out of the window like an ash-coloured kite swinging its tail back and forth. Sounds are fading, the wind is dying down. Sounds faded, the wind died down. As they were being closed, the curtains were blown here and there with a terrifying effect peculiar to the curtains in haunted houses in films, Theyre going to have to move at first light tomorrow. Theyre not going to be able to bear it here, said B-C. He added with a twisted smile: When your privacy is gone, you should leave at once! I was dreaming about a flying balloon. It was in the charcoalgrey sky, among the snow-white clouds, in the shade of the brightyellow sun. Id climbed up onto the roof. Id been watching the flying balloon from below, when a violent wind suddenly blew up. All at once, we were shaken by the violence of this sudden wind. Pitch-black dust swirled up from the ground. The flying balloon was being swept away. I was running as fast as I could over the rooftops to keep it in sight. As I ran, roof-tiles were rolling down. I leaned over to look at where the tiles had fallen. Below, the avenues of the city were sparkling and crowded. Cars had crashed because of the tiles rolling along the road. A bright red, squeaky-clean car was swerving angrily down the middle of the

poetlerini dizlerinin kh altna, kh zerine yerletiriyor; sanki bir yere gitmesi kabilmi gibi "gel evladm" diyerek kucanda oturan ocuu gsne bastnyor; dnp dnp, endieli gzlerle sanda kalan darack bolua bakyor ve btn bunlar yaparken durmadan oflayp pofluyor. Bylelerini iyi tannm. Niye byle davrandklann bilirim. Alknm. Byle eyler sk sk bama gelir. Tabii en iyisi taksiye binmek benim iin, ya da bo bir otobs yakalamak. Ama her yere taksiyle gitmek btemi aar; otobsleri bo bulmaksa, malm, pek mmkn olmuyor. Zaman zaman, bineceim otobsn ilk durana taksiyle gidiyorum. Ama her gzergh buna elvermiyor. Eer kalabalksa, nadiren biniyorum otobse. Zira ne zaman o yksek basamaklan hnltlar arasnda kp, tklm tklm koridorda iti kak kendime yer amak zorunda kalsam, bin piman oluyorum bindiime. imden bir ses derhal otobsten inmemi, eve dnmemi sylyor. Ne mmkn. ofrn irret talimatlaryla arkalara doru ilerleyen kalabaln aknts beni ktan, k benden uzaklatrmakta gecikmiyor. Baktm ki kurtulamyorum, hi olmazsa gzlerle karlamamaya alyorum; merakla beni inceleyip, birbirlerine beni gsteren gzlerle. Yer veren ok oluyor geri. Ama bu iimi kolaylatrmyor. Ate basyor yzm her seferinde. Ter iinde zar zor oturuyorum boalan yere. Zaten ben byle anlarda hep terlerim, ster yaz olsun, ister k, azck sklmayagreyim, buz gibi souk terler boalr srtmdan. Yerime oturur oturmaz, eer iki kiilik koltuk-taysam yandakine, tek kiilik koltuktaysam ayaktakilere dememek iin azami gayret sarfettiimden, baston yutmua benzerim. Bir yandan da, etrafmdakilerin ter kokusunu alp almadklarn anlamaya alnm. Ho, alsalar da almasalar da elimden bir ey gelmez. Zaten ne zaman terlememeye gayret etsem, daha beter terlerim. Pencere kenarlarn severim. Pencereler sayesinde, varlmn fazlasyla farknda olan otobs yolculann

road.The tiles had cracked its windshield. A huge spider had woven a web over the crack. The thin, transparent threads stuck to the glass were waving about here and there. The driver was looking for me, without knowing it was me he was looking for. He could see me, but he didnt suspect me. White snow was falling on the pitch-black dust. I started walking along the pavement. I walked very slowly in order to avoid stepping on the little threads. Suddenly, my eyes fixed on my feet. I was wearing woollen baby shoes with a bird design on them. I must have forgotten to put on my shoes when I left the house. I was embarrassed. I had to find shoes somewhere before anyone saw me. The window displays in the shops were lively. There were ballet slippers, shoes lined with fur, sandals, laced boots, high-heeled womens shoes, round-heeled mens shoes, gaudy childrens shoes. The labels described what they were. All of the shoes were made of ice-cream. I went into one of the bigger shops and bought mixed fruit flavoured shoes. When I came out, the driver of the car with the cracked windshield had narrowed his eyes, and was watching me carefully. I tiptoed in front of him. He didnt follow me. As I returned to the pavement, I saw the flying balloon in the shade of the bright-yellow sun. It moved along half-heartedly. The bright-yellow sun came out. I looked at my new shoes with alarm. Drop drop, drop drop/ Come on mother, say something to her! I jumped because of the pain in my knee. Again Id fallen asleep, in a place where I shouldnt have. I was sweating. As I tried to pull myself together, the smell of my sweat reached my nose. I looked around to see if anyone else could smell it. I was in the minibus. When I got on there was no one else but me. At this hour of the afternoon, it was rare for anyone to be going in that direction, and I knew it wouldnt fill up easily, and that it wouldnt leave until it was full. Thats why I was comfortable enough to fall asleep. It wasnt enough that Id overdone it at lunch, Id

deil, benden tamamen bhaber olan danda-kileri seyrede seyrede yolculuk edebilirim. Bazen de kimse yer vermez. Bazen camlara yaklamak da mmkn olmaz, ite o zaman, gvdemi abluka altna alan baklardan kaabilmek, prdikkat beni szenlerin akllanndan geenleri tahmin etmek durumunda kalmamak iin, ineceim duraa gelene kadar rahat rahat, bo bo bakabileceim bir nokta aranm. Kafalann arasndan grebildiim kadaryla pencerelerin d, yolculann ayakkablan, bacaklar arasna skm alveri torbalan, birilerinin ellerindeki kitaplarn kapaklan, otobsn uyan levhalan, otomatik kapnn dmeleri, acil durumlarda kullanlacak ekiler, katlanm gazeteler, asacaklan kavrayan ellerdeki yzkler/ ite bunlardr seeneklerim, ilerinden birini seer ve ineceim duraa gelene kadar gzlerimi ondan bir saniye bile ayrmadan yolculuk ederim, ister oturarak, ister ayakta olsun, bir hayli zordur benim iin otobsle bir yerden bir yere gitmek. Ama benim kadar imansanz eer, minibsler, otobslerden daha da beterdir. Ne zaman minibse binmek zorunda kalsam, kendime gre areler buluyorum ben de. Her eyden nce karmdakinden atak davran19 yorum, minibs ofrlerinin gzlerindeki o yan alayc bak, ineleyici bir lafa dnmesin diye. Onlarn iten ie sylemek istediklerini, ben saknmadan dile getiriyorum. Ben buna, "bir srahi basiretin kalorisi bir yudum musibetinkinden azdr" kural diyorum. Aslnda, az buuk arzas olan herkes bilir bu altn kural: "Baktn ki kem sz iiteceksin, evvela kendin dalga ge kendinle; hatta en ok sen dalga ge ki, bakalarna frsat kalmasn. smini sen koy maraznn; hatta davul zurnayla duyur ki merhamet yoksunu ismini, sana lakap takmaya yeltenenlerin hevesleri kursanda kalsn." Yani baktn ki bakalar seni hrpalamak zere, kendi kendini hrpalamaksn kalkan niyetine. Diyelim ki adam kr. Etrafndakiler pederane bir nezaketle mmkn mertebe "kr" kelimesini kullanmamaya, gerektii takdirde "m" demeye zen gsterirken, kr adam onlardan

had two portions of pudding on top of everything else, and I didnt have enough strength left to walk. I must have slept for quite a while. When I woke, the minibus was completely full. There was only room for one more passenger. When that person came, wed get under way. The woman next to me was watching me out of the corner of her eye. She probably noticed the smell of sweat. The girl on her knee kept kicking my knee with the brass buckle of her strawberry coloured shoes. I have no doubt that the child is doing this on purpose. Shes doing it just to wake me up and get me to slide over a bit. And she is the one who keeps whining, Come on mother, say something to her. And I had sprawled out in my sleep too. I had to pull myself together right away. I close my legs and slide over toward the window. I take my backpack from the seat and put it on my lap. When I lift the backpack I see a paper bag lull of spiced, yellow roasted chickpeas. Id bought them to nibble on while waiting for the minibus to fill up, and had forgotten them. When I pick up the paper bag, theres quite a bit of room for the others. But theyre still not happy. Especially the woman, who makes exaggerated movements to show that shes not going to be able to get comfortable; she keeps crossing and re-crossing her legs; makes rusding noises as she rearranges her packages, first on her lap then under the seat. She squeezes the child on her lap to her breast, saying, Come, darling, as if there was anywhere the child could go. She keeps turning and eyeing the last narrow empty seat with worry, and as she does all this she keeps huffing and puffing in complaint. I know this type well. I know why they behave the way they do. Im used to it. These kinds of things happen to me all the time. Of course the best thing for me is to take a taxi, or to catch an empty bus. But going everywhere by taxi reduces my budget, and, as you know, its not really possible to find an empty bus. Usually I take a taxi to the first stop for the bus Im taking. But this isnt

birka adm ne geip krler hakknda merhametsiz fkralar anlatmaya balyor. tekiler arnaar glyorlar fkralara; kr bir adamn appadak krlerle dalga geebilmesinin ihtiam karsnda akn ve skkn. te aa yukar byle bir eydir "bir srahi basiretin kalorisi bir yudum musibetinkinden azdr" kural. Tabii benim durumum bundan olduka farkl. Zira her eyden nce, insanlann imanlara bakyla, krlere bak arasnda epeyce fark var. Tpk sakatlk gibi krlk de insann bana gelen bir felaket addedildiinden, tpk sakatlar gibi krler de, insanlarda merhamet uyandrr. Bu sebepten, bir krn, acnas arazyla dalga geebilmesinde bir fevkaladelik vardr. Oysa imanlk, baz insanlann bana geliveren talihsiz bir olay ya da "kader" deil, bizzat imanlarn eseridir. Her iman, kendi imanlnn balca msebbibidir. Bir insann imanl onun pisboazlnn, agzllnn, tamahkrlnn tescilidir. Krlk ne denli ciddiye alnacak bir eyse, imanlk da o denli dalga geilebilecek bir eydir. Hal byle olunca da, iman birinin imanlyla dalga geebilmesi, kr birinin krlyle dalga geebilmesinin brakt etkiyi brakamaz, uyandrd saygy uyan-dramaz. Bu sebepten ite, ben imanlm bakalanna aarken son derece ciddi davrannm. Alay konusu olageleni, gayet ciddi bir mev-zuya evirerek, altn kural kendi artlanma gre yontarm. Bu sefer de altn kural uygulamtm. ofr minibsn camlan-n ykyordu geldiimde. Oysa gkyznn gpgri olduuna baklrsa, ok gemeden yamur boalacakt. Yanna gidene kadar beni fark etmedi. Sadece gkyzn deil, beni de grmeyecek kadar dalgnd. Herhangi bir ey sylemesine, hatta dnmesine bile frsat brakma20 dan, iki kiilik para demeyi teklif ettim, ttiraz etmedi. Hibir ey sylemedi. Sessiz bir akid bu. Sonradan prz kmasn diye, vaktinde yaplm bir mdahale. Orackta kapand bu mesele. Ben de gayet rahat uyuyakalmm. Uyandmda, gz

convenient for all routes. If the bus is crowded, I rarely get on. And whenever I climb up those stairs and push and shove my way down the corridor to find a place for myself, I regret it a thousand times. A voice within me tells me to get off the bus immediately and go home. As if that were possible. The force of the crowds moving back at the driver s ill-tempered commands pushes me further from the exit. I see that theres no escape, and try at least not to make eyecontact with any of the eyes that examine me with curiosity, and point me out to one another. To tell the truth, a lot of people offer me their places. But this doesnt make things easier for me. Every time, my face gets flushed with heat. I sweat as I struggle into the empty seat. Naturally I always sweat at times like this. Whether its summer or winter, the moment I even get a little distressed, ice-cold sweat begins to pour off my back. As soon as Ive sat down, I sit as straight as a ramrod, so as not to touch the person next to me if Im in a double seat, or the people standing nearby if Im in a single seat. At the same time, I try to ascertain whether or not the people around me can smell my sweat. Though theres nothing I can do about it either way. Anyway, I always sweat more when I try not to sweat. I like sitting next to the window. Next to the window, Im less aware of the other passengers, and can spend the trip watching people outside. Sometimes no one offers me their seat. Sometimes its impossible to get near the windows either. Then, in order to escape the stares of the people surrounding me, in order not to guess what is on the minds of the people who are looking at me, I look for a spot that I can stare at vacantly until I reach my stop. As much as I can see through the window between their heads, the passengers shoes, shopping bags squeezed between legs, the covers of the books in someones hand, the buss warning signs, the buttons on the automatic doors, the levers to be pulled in case of emergency, folded newspapers, rings on hands grasping the straps/ these are my choices. Ill pick one of these,

ucuyla beni izleyip kpr kpr rahatszln haykran kadnn derdini hemen anladm. n tarafta, hl bo olan yere oturmak istemediinden, aresiz benim yanma ilimiti. Elbette, o, benimle ofr arasndaki akidden tamamen habersizdi. Deminden beri abartl hareketler yapp, oflayp poflamas-nn sebebi buydu. Aklnca, " kii nasl sacaz buraya?" demeye getiriyordu. Daha fazla dayanamadm. "Merak etmeyin hanmefendi. Ben iki kiilik para veriyorum." Kadn bn bn bakyor suratma. Kucanda rahat durmayan ocuu endieyle kendine doru ekip, "evladm dur bi dakka" diye syleniyor, gzlerini benden ayrmadan. "Bakn," diyorum elimle havada blmeler izerek. "Ben bir art birim. Yani bir ve ikiyim. Siz de fsnz. Bu koltuklar da kiilik. Demek ki yannza nc bir kii gelmeyecek. nk siz ve ben, zaten kii yapyoruz. Dikkat edin ocuu saymadm!" Kendime hakszlk etmemeliyim. Bana kalsa, tam olarak iki kiilik yer kapladm sylenemez. Gene de her halkrda, bir kiilik yerden ok daha fazlasn kapladm inkr edecek deilim. Otobste ya da takside o kadar mhim deildir bu ayrm; ama minibste iler deiir, in asl, televizyonculan honut edebilecek kadar iman deilim. En azndan imdilik. Ama imanm. Hem de ok. ocukluumdan beri byle. ok daha kkken, gayet zayf saylabilirdim aslnda. Bulank da olsa hatnmda. ok srmedi. Geen her gn, biten her sene, ben biraz daha kilo aldm. Daha ortaokul bitmeden, grenleri hayrete drecek kadar imanlamtm. Durmadm. Durmad. Zaten artk istesem de duramazdm, durduramazdm. Ve imdi, tam tamna iki kiilik olmasa bile, en iyimser tahminle bir buukluk yer kapladm ortada. Ve eer bir buukla iki arasnda bir yerlerdeyse-niz, ksurat yuvarlamann det olduu bir memlekette, ikisiniz demektir. Bu da eder iki kiilik minibs paras. Neler yapmadm ki zayflamak iin. Doktor kontrolnde adm adm diyet programlan, kafama gre koaradm diyet programlan, alktan ldrmeyen ama srndren kalori hesaplan, litre litre su, kibrit

and wont take my eyes off it until I reach my stop. Whether I sit or stand, its very difficult for me to take a bus from one place to another. But if youre as fat as I am, minibuses are even worse than buses. The child next to me is squeezing the money she wants to pass forward tightly in her palm; despite her mothers insistence shes determined to give it to the driver. This child, one of those children whose bedroom was flawlessly prepared when her birth was still just a distant possibility, who was born late and with difficulty, who was prayed for, who wore out the doors of fashionable clinics, the instructions of famous doctors being carried out to the letter, the subject of many tests, expensive treatments, boring arguments, on the threshold of divorce,otherwise well produce a child, after their consolation, they succeeded only a moment before they lost hope, even a blood clot was considered cause for celebration, her mother didnt take her eyes off her for a moment, more toys than she could have imagined, tens of photographs taken of her every moment, her every smile inspiring epic poems, her every remark recorded in notebooks, her photographs in every family album, decorating 11.unes and wallets, constantly praised, constantly spoiled, never left alone, never lonely To me this is an ugly child. On top of this her eyes bulge. Shes wearing glasses like the bottoms of jars, the kind that make a persons eyes look three times bigger. The child keeps turning and looking at me. Both of us wearing sour expressions; examining each other as if we could turn to vinegar at any moment. In any event, the chirping voice of the schoolgirl reaches us. Ah, dont say that. Im sure shes a well-behaved child, she says. 1hen, as if shes laughing to herself, she adds: I wish I knew this beautiful girls name. Go on, tell me, whats your name? The bug-eyed child forgot me right away. She turned and concentrated on listening to the schoolgirl. Now, with her lips tight .ind her

kutusu byklnde yasz peynirler, kzarm kepek ekmeklerin sayl knntlan, a ana geen gnler, gece terletsin diye yatmadan evvel giyilen tulumlar, karabasanlann dktrd terler, her birinden 21 sekizer kere yaplmas lazm gelen hareketler, uyanr uyanmaz a karnna iilen karmlar, itah kesici haplar, sellit zc haplar, ishal yapan haplar, tatsz tuzsuz bulamalar, k k bitmeyen merdivenler, evir evir inceltmeyen emberler, yosun banyolar, zayflama aylar, meyve krleri, sabah yryleri, paket paket diyet biskvileri, saunalar, buhar makinalan, kou bantlan, aerobik salonlar, aletli jimnastik, hipnozla tedavi, akapunkturla tedavi, grup terapileri, donuk psikologlarla donuk seanslar, oluk oluk akan paralar, azalmak yle dursun sinsice artan kilolar ve silbatan yeni diyet programlan/ Baktm ki olmuyor ve olmayacak, ben de ipin ucunu koyverdim. Hibir zaman kavuamayacam bir grntye yknmekten bkm usan-mtm. Nicedir canmn her istediini yiyor, sonularna katlanyorum. Aslnda bunun sonularna benden ziyade, bakalarnn katlandn itiraf etmeliyim. Etrafna nee saan u krmz yanakl, dost canls, ana ve lafazan tombi kadnlardan biri deilim ben. Zaten byleleri ekseriya ksack boylu olduklar iin, tm kilolarna ramen hl ufak ve tostoparlak grnrler; dolaysyla da sevimli saylabilirler. Bana gelince, kilolarm kadar boyumun da normalin zerinde olmas, beni "tombi" deil, "irikym" klyor. Her neyse, iin asl u ki, boyum ksa olsayd bile gene de o kadnlardan biri olamazdm nk imanlk beni sinirli biri yapyor. Bir ara, en az iki beden incelmeyen mterilerine paralarn iade etme garantisi veren bir aerobik merkezine devam ediyordum. Orada, kendi grntmzn dilinden kurtulamayalm diye drt taraf aynalarla kaplanm bir salonda yan yana dizilip, yznden glck, dilinden komut eksilmeyen t gibi aerobik

eyebrows raised to give her an even more sour expression, she stubbornly refuses to give her name. The childs unexpected resistance goads the schoolgirl into action. She has to find a way to make her talk. All right then, let me ask something else. Come on, tell me, do you know how to count? The bug-eyed child nodded her head emphatically. But she still doesnt open her mouth. No, nooo! says the schoolgirl.If you knew youd have counted aloud. Youre such a big girl and you still dont know how to count. What a shame! Theres a sudden silence in the minibus. All of us passengers are captivated by the schoolgirls insistence. The housewives in the back stop their gossip, the irritable estate agent stops making calls; the driver closes the window and turns off the radio; sounds from outside are muffled, and even the rain falls more quietly. Yes! chimes the childs voice.I know! No! You dont know. I do too know, I do too know. The bug-eyed child starts stamping her feet. As she stamps her feet, her pudding-white socks, the teddybear ribbons in her hair, her thick strawberry-jam coloured shoes, and her skinny legs, covered with new and old wounds from unhealed mosquito bites, swing back and forth before my eyes. She knows, she knows, says the driver, whod been watching through the rear-view mirror. If thats so, lets hear her count, says the schoolgirl archly. As is my habit when travelling on buses, I begin looking for something I can stare at vacantly for the rest of this difficult trip. I dont know how I didnt notice it before. Hanging from the rearview mirror, theres a toy doll wearing only a tasselled skirt and a straw hat, with silky blond hair down to her toes, trying to cover her full breasts with one hand and holding a basket of fruit in the other. When the driver hits the brakes, a light flashes on and off in the dolls left eye. At the same moment, the bug-eyed child begins to count.

hocasnn her yaptn tekrarlardk kan ter iinde. Azimli saylrdm. Her hareketimde hrl hrl ten gsmn ikyetlerini duymamazlktan gelecek kadar. Oysa gzlere kar vurdumduymaz olamyordum bir trl. Oradaydlar, drt yanmda; kirpiklerle kuatlmtm, batyorlard etime, erha erha. Grubun her yesi, bir yandan hocann yaptklarn tekrarlarken, bir yandan da aynalardan dierlerini seyrederdi. Herkes herkesin en gizli rakibiydi. Herhangi birimizden eksilen her kilo, arlnca ta olup bamza yaacakt sanki. En ok sevilenler, en iman olanlard. abuk zayflayanlar arabuk dlanyorlard. imanlarn iddeti, krk batman arlnda ku ty yorganla kaplanmt. Herkes herkesi yumuack eziyordu. Ben grubumuzun glydm. Btn tombi kadnlar ayr bir alaka gsteriyordu bana. Azck geciksem, ya da bir gn gitmesem, tele22 fona sarlyorlard iten bir merakla. Gzleri ldyordu beni grdklerinde. Seviliyor, el stnde tutuluyordum. Her Allah'n gn birileri beni tebrik edip, ne kadar zayfladmdan dem vuruyordu. Oysa bir gdm eksilmemitim. Niyetleri yapmack bir nezaket gstermek deildi, ne de beni yalanlarla kandrmak. flah olmaz imanlmdan tr beni o kadar ok seviyorlard ki, gzlerine sevecen bir filtre taklyordu bana her baklarnda. yle ki, ekmek mushaf arpsn yemin edebilirlerdi zayfladma. tekilerin aksine, benim gibi birinin kilo vermesi fikri kimseyi tedirgin etmiyordu. Byledir ite. Kimseye rakip olamayacak kadar imansanz eer, zayflamaya ahdetmi btn imanlar biricik dostunuz olmak iin yansr. Hatta ilerinden bazlan, aslnda benim iman deil, "balk etli" olduuma gzlerini inandracak kadar ok severdi beni. Bense nefret ediyordum srf "iman" dememek iin sarfedilen onca kelimeden; vck vck. Bir de dokunulardan nefret ediyordum; mnck mnck. Byledir ite. iman bir ocuksanz eer, zayflamadnz takdirde, hibir zaman byme frsat bularrazsnz. Hangi yata olursanz olun, insanlar sizi

One. Two, three/ Then suddenly she falls quiet. All of us hold four on the tips of our tongues. The driver and the young man sitting in the single seat next to him, me, the childs mother and the schoolgirl, the housewives in the back and the illtempered estate agent, all of us wait with tense smiles. Even the man in the very back corner next to the window, exuding the smells of flowers and perfume, has formed his lips as if hes about to say four, and has stayed that way. As if by doing that, the numbers would follow by chance, and he would get to his important appointment more quickly. A while later, the ugly, bug-eyed child, casting a coy glance around, certain now that she has the attention of everyone on the minibus, leans delightedly against her mother and continues counting. One, twoo, threee, one, twoo, three, one, two, three. My brain is throbbing.The numbers demons, with lamps on their waists and brooms in their hands, their tongues cut off and their eyes poked out with hot irons, banging on the door as they jump up and down tak tak donk donk theres no one here, they dont hear my voice. Hunched over, I look out the window, dreaming that I dont see what I see. Meanwhile, the child is counting faster, losing her shyness and becoming more bold. Shes enjoying holding everyone captive. onetwothreeonetwothreeonetwothreeo netwothree I want to get off. To get off and catch another minibus. No, another minibus wont do. A bus wont do either, or a taxi. I cant tolerate any of them now. No matter how much my body objects, its surely best to proceed on foot. And before I start walking I can stand and have a bite to eat. A nice sausage sandwich with ketchup and potato salad would be good for my nerves. Perhaps a lemonade to go with it. I could escape this minibus at a convenient spot. Its still not too late to get off. But then the man will get confused. The person who paid two fares for one and a half places will become the person who paid two fares for nothing. On top of that, if I get off the minibus,

mncklamaya baylr. Kkken, gbeinizden ve baldrlannzdan makas alrlar durmadan; gen kzlnzda, yanaklarnzdan ve gerdannzdan. Yanz ilerlediindeyse imdik-lenmekten kpkrmzdr kollannz. Ve eer benimki kadar beyazsa teniniz, her fmdikten geriye kalan kzanklk tez zamanda morlua dnr. Her neyse. Onca vck vck kelimenin, mnck mnck sevmelerin sonunda daha fazla dayanamayp ayrldm aerobik salonundan. Salonun mdiresi, hakkmdaki sevecen kandan payn almay ihmal etmedi. Aynlrken param geri vermedi. Aslnda ne kadar kzarsam kzaym, bu tr duygulann yabancs saylmam. Gayet iyi biliyorum ki, eer bir hayli imansanz, ortalkta sizden daha iman birilerinin olmas, ar kokulu masaj yalar gibi teninizin zerinden kayp, siz farkna varmadan iinizi ferahlatacak-tr. Kalabaln iinde yrrken kardan iman bir kadn geliyor diyelim, hemen o sizi, siz onu gz hapsine alrsnz. Her iki taraf da berikine bakmyormu gibi yapadursun,, merak edilen soru ortaktr: "Acaba onun kadar iman grnyor muyum?" Cevapsa hemen hemen her zaman ayndr: "teki daha imandr". Malm, doutan bakalarna muhtatr sfatlar; yalnzlktan hazzetmezler. Ne dikine izgiler, ne koyu renkler, ne de hatlan rten kyafetler/ imanlan ancak imanlar zayf gsterebilir. iman imann yegne panzehiridir. Nihayet minibs doldu, eksik olan geldi. Gen bir adam. ndeki 23 tek koltua oturdu. Tamamz artk, kalkabiliriz. Aksi gibi, imdi de ofr ardan alyor. Hl darda, elinde bir bez, aynalar parlatmakla megul. Oysa imdi daha da gri gkyz. Yamur imdi daha da yakn. Beklerken, baharatl sar leblebilerden attryorum. Yanmdaki kadnla ocua da ikram ettim ama istemediler. Galiba kadn hl huzursuz ediyorum. Tabii en nemlisi boazna hkim olmak. Yemeyeceksin. Bu kadar basit. Ne var ki, yaz scanda erimi asfalttan sandaletine yapm sakza benzer yemek yemek. Ya hi bulamayacaksn, ya da ektike uzamasn

the mother will definitely move her ugly, bug-eyed child to my place. I change my mind. Im hungry. But traffic is heavy, the rain is falling faster, and theres a long way to go. Im hungry. But the child is ugly, and bug-eyed, and the numbers are awful. I am hungry. But I shouldnt overreact.This trip will last long enough to count to three;just from one to three. One, twooo, three, one, twoo, three, one, two, three, onetwothree, onetwothreeonetwothree/ ONE CLOSE YOUR EYES! Pera-1885 After the evening call to prayer, the westward-facing door of the cherry-coloured tent at the top of the hill would open for the women. Indeed that was when threes and fives and tens of women would start entering the westward-facing door of the cherry-coloured tent at the top of the hill. Bringing their noisy commotion with them. Part of the huge tent had been assigned to the women. Carrying swollen bundles and with their fussing children beside them, they crossed the threshold pushing one another and grasping their long woollen coats. Hundreds of women of every temperament and nature would come here. It didnt matter what nationality they were, what language they spoke or what religion they professed. It was enough that they were women; and, also, that they came together. This was the condition that Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi had placed: No woman was to arrive at the tent alone. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi knew that the westward-facing door of the cherry-coloured tent was open to the bright side of the moon. And he would tell this strange story about her. What the bright side of the moon feared most was not being loved, and also being alone when she wept. She combed her hair with a silver comb. The inlaid teeth of the comb collected the shiny strands of her hair with great care. Later she would

yadrgamayacaksn. Rejim yaptm zamanlarda, daha da beter olurdu. Yemeden geirdiim her ann acsn fazlasyla karrdm muhakkak. Hatta rejim yaptm gnlerden birinde o kadar ok yemi, o kadar ok yemitim ki, davul gibi ien karnmn zdra-b dinsin diye midemi ykatmaya mecbur kalmtm. "Ne zaman yemek yiyorsun?" diye sormutu midemi ykayan doktor. "Acktmda," demitim sesimin titremesine mani olamadan. Me zannediyordu ki? Ben de herkes gibi acktmda yemek yiyorum tabii ki. Tek mesele, sk sk ackmam. Yani ben, heyheylerim tuttuunda ackyorum ve sakinleip durulduumda; skc bir film izlediimde ackyorum ve gzel bir filmden ktmda; gneli bir gnde kemiklerimi stmann tadn kanrken ackyorum ve scaa zerre kadar tahamml edemediimde; olur olmadk eylerden kayglandka ackyorum ve kayglarmn bouna olduuna ikna edildiimde; uyandmda ackyorum ve gzm uyku tutmadnda; paradan yana skntm olmadnda dilediimi yiyebilecek olmann keyfiyle ackyorum ve aysonunu nasl getireceimin derdine dtmde; banyo yapp kirlerimden arndmda ackyorum ve nasl olsa gene ter kokacam kabullendiimde; evden ayrlmak istemediim halde dar kmam gerektiinde ackyorum ve dardan eve dndmde; lokantalarn nnden geerken ackyorum ve lokantalarn nnden gememek iin yolumu deitirdiimde; gnboyu bakalaryla birlikteyken ackyorum ve gnn sonunda nihayet yalnz kalmay baara-bildiimde; fazla yememeye gayret ettiimde ackyorum ve nasl olsa ipin ucunu karp gene fazla yediimi grdmde/ yani ben, acktka yiyorum ve acknca sadece. Ve sonra/ kusuyorum. Diyelim ki bir yapasta var. yle, d kt gibi incecik rendelenmi ikolata paralaryla rtlm, kenarlarndan erimi karamel 24 dklm, zeri kestane ekerleriyle sslenmi, sanmtrak krema to-paklanyla bezenmi, dantel dantel kvrmlarnn arasna rengrenk ekerlemeler

secretly leave every single strand on another persons shoulder. She believed that she would be unforgettable in the eyes of whomever the hair was with. She was not far wrong either; those who carried the strands of her hair, not understanding at all why their hearts were so distressed, would stare absentmindedly at the dome of the sky, unaware that their worries and their pupils were growing together. They felt deeply that what they sought was there, but they couldnt translate their feelings. Indeed some of them found themselves so caught up in the celestial passion within them that they could no longer eat or drink. Fortunately, the bright side of the moon soon tired of her playmates. She would erase new relationships in two breaths, swallow all affection in a single gulp, devastate every friendship she formed. No one was strange enough, no story was sufficiendy poetic. Yet she still couldnt give up on people. Because she was afraid, so afraid, of being alone, and of crying by herself. Once, leaning into a well and looking at herself in the water in a copper bucket, she said, with deep admiration, How beautiful I am. In that case, why am I unable to be as happy as an ugly person? The well grumbled, the water became cloudy. How radiant I am, she said abstractedly. In that case, why cant I be free of the darkness in my heart?The copper bucket cracked, and water trickled out of each of the separate cracks. Since that day, the bright side of the moon has avoided wells. When unanswerable questions come to mind, she powders herself with the silver powder compact that she is never without. She always wanted to be unique, peerless and unrivalled. She could not stand a female who shone more than she did, if one day she should meet someone like this, there is nothing she wouldnt do to get rid of her. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi didnt tell this story without reason. Because he knew well that women were each others enemies above all. Whenever women came together in the same place, theyd first start examining each other

yerletirilmi, tepesinden aa kar gibi pudra ekeri serpilmi, ahsnn saatlerine malolmu, seyrine doyum olmayan enfes bir yapasta. Cmert ve muntazam dilimler kesildiinde, en az d kadar gzel olan iini gryorum. Ge meydan okuyan bir yap gibi kat kat ykseliyor. Bir kat kek, bir kat krema, bir kat kek, bir kat krema/ ve katmanlarn arasnda, kestane ekerlerinden, vine ezmelerinden ktr ktr, ptr ptr izgiler. tahm kabaryor. Krnt bile brakmyorum geride. Ve son lokma da bittiinde, e kadar sayyorum iimden. Soluu tuvalette alyorum, beni neyin beklediini, ne yapmak zere olduumu bile bile. Parmaklarm azma sokup, sabit gzlerle bakyorum tuvaletin deliine. Az sonra, dipten gelen bir dalga gibi ykseliyor midemin feryad. Parmaklarm geri ekip, yanksna yol veriyorum. ok deil, daha az evvel gzkamatnc renkleriyle iime aldm, koyu bir bulama halinde dma kartyorum. Tiksinmiyorum. Pastanelerin ar kokulu, pislik yuvas tuvaletlerinde iki bklm kusarken dahi, en ufak bir tiksinti duymuyorum. Tuvalet kapsnn br tarafnda, mini mini konuan sevgilileri, hani harl alan garsonlar, l l vitrinleri, mis kokulu pasta brekleri, tepsilerin arasna zenle yerletirilmi parlak sslemeleri, hoparlrlerden bangr bangr ykselen mzikleri, zerleri sigara yanklaryla dolu, desenleri solmu masa rtleri ve her sayfasnda birbirinden muhteem tatllarn fotoraflan olan duvar takvimleri ile beni bekliyor pastane. Kimse ne yaptm grmyor. Gayet iyi biliyorum ki, iimi bitirip kapy atmda, masama oturup yeni bir ay, hatta ikinci bir yapasta smarladmda, sadece benim grm olduum bu naho srn elevermeyecek gzlerim. Huzurla kusuyorum. Biraz sonra ac su doluyor azma. Ama oyuna gelmiyorum. Midenin mahzenlerinde saklanan baz yiyecekler, nden ac suyu gnderip midenin tamamen boald kansn uyandrarak kurtulabileceklerini sanrlar. Birer birer tespit edip yerlerini, yaka paa dar kartyorum hepsini. Gene de ne

from head to toe, trying to discover each others troubles, then move on to asking after each others health. As the conversation deepened, wherever there was a rip or a stain, a dark room or a garbage heap, theyd discover them one by one and file them away secretly. Their friendships were like sleeping cats, keeping one eye on each other, and pricking up their cars at the slightest sound. The mortar that held their friendships together became diluted by suspicion covered with egg white. Even the soundest of friendships was shaken by the first pang of apprehension. However, the silver comb was useless without a silver mirror. As Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi knew, the women became uglier in each others reflections. This is why they were not to turn their backs on each other, but had to arrive side-by-side, arm in arm. Climbing up the hill together, they had to be as crowded as a cherry tree as they entered the westwardfacing door. Some of the women were accustomed to being together. Most of them enjoyed socialising, or wished to appear as if they did. Theyd climb the hill laughing and joking. Theyd start up the hill together in a crowd, and the same crowd would arrive at the entrance to the tent. And some, knowing well that in the end they would all have to come together, preferred to climb all by themselves until the last step. Most of them were reserved by nature, or wished to appear as if they were. The fountain on the hill was a turning point for them. When they arrived at the fountain, they had no choice but to come together. The fountain put on airs; it sprayed out water with enthusiasm. The women wet their mouths, foreheads and necks with the icecold water. Those who had come that far by themselves would come together in small groups, and would enter into complaisant and unavoidable friendships as they continued on their way. The rest of the way up the hill would be spent getting to know each other. From then on they couldnt be separated from each other; from then on strangers became friends, and

kadar urarsam uraaym, yediimden daha azn kusabiliyorum her zaman. Hep bir eyler kalyor geride, iimde, derinde. ster istemez, yediim yapastann en kalorili ksmlannn midemin derinliklerinden bana bakp, ks ks gldklerini dnyorum. Zorlamak fayda etmiyor. Ac sudan baka bir ey kmyor bir sre sonra. Zaman gelince, sifonu ekiyorum. Sular basyor ortal, 25 sular seller. Dne dne bouluyor yapasta, bara ara kayboluyor tuvaletin deliinde. Ortal iyice temizleyip, azm alkaladmda artk yeniden bir eyler yemeye hazr olduumu dnerek seviniyorum. Boazmn acsna, midemin arsna, duyduum pimanla ramen, ferahladm fark ediyorum. Belki de srf bu sebepten/ yani bozmak ve bozabilmek iin yeniden. Yani belki de bir mddet sonra insan, kusursuz bir uyum ve nizam iinde kat kat ykselen yapas-tann deil, amurumsu enkaznn mptelas olmaya balyor. ylesine gzel ki yapasta, irkinletii ann biricik ahidi olmann hazz her eyin nne geiyor. Dmdayken bylesine gzm kamatrann, srf iimden kovulduu iin sersefil, perperian olduunu grmek, kavruk bir keyif veriyor. Kustuktan sonra fil gibi ackyorum. Garson glmsyor: "Hay hay!" Son derece sevecen, sipariimi alrken. Diyelim ki yeni sipariim de bir yapasta. Bu seferki baka. yle, d ktr ktr karbeyaz ikolata yapraklaryla kaplanm, st kivi, eftali, ilek dilimleriyle sslenmi, dilimlerinin zerine vernik gibi incecik, uuk pembe bir jle eklenmi, kenarlarna stlkahvem-si kremadan bklm bklm hat izilmi ve ah hzn alamam olmal ki, drt bir tarafna ince ince ekilmi fndk serpilmi, itah aan, nazar okayan bir yapasta. Garson servisi yaptktan sonra hemen uzaklamyor masamdan. Neden bilmem, pek ok insan imanlarn yemek yiyilerini seyretmekten holanr. Pepee iki yapasta yemenin bir izah olmas gerektiini dndmden, ertesi

friends became travelling companions. With each step they became more cheerful and open. As they walked arm-in-arm some of them even began to lose their fear. For Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendis orders were strict; even if she was fear itself, no female should be excluded from the crowd of women entering the tent. For this reason, after the evening call to prayer, carrying swollen bundles and with their fussing children beside them, they crossed the threshold of the westward-facing door of the cherrycoloured tent pushing one another and grasping their long woollen coats. Most went on foot. Because those who insisted on going by carriage could be the victims of mysterious accidents. Sometimes nothing went wrong; even if the horses were sweating profusely, they went straight up the hill and succeeded in making it to the top. Sometimes the carriages would overturn for no reason. Sometimes they would slip on the ice, sending the passengers rolling back down at great speed. When these incidents were spoken of, it was with much exaggeration, and the addition of a sprinkling of mystery. When this was the case, the women who were accustomed to detecting the warning of a disaster usually caused by carelessness, preferred to leave their carriages at the foot of the hill and climb on foot, for there was no need to anger the saints buried on the hill. From time to time, there were also some groups who arrived on litters. These, pale complexioned women from elite families, would climb the hill with dignified expressions on the shoulders of their strong powerful servants. But as is the way of the world, these too overturned from time to time. Those who turned and looked back when they reached the top of the hill could see the sea. The sea was blue, bluer than blue; it was hostage to its own clear stillness. Once in a while some women got a crazy idea. The sea was a breast, gently swollen, aching, calling softly from afar for a mouth for its milk. Now/ without regret for the past or concern for the future; as if/ just by relaxing, opening their mouths and closing their

gn sk bir rejime balayacam sylyorum ona. "Madem yle, bugn dilediiniz kadar yemelisiniz," diyor glmseyerek. Azm tkabasa dolu olduu iin bamla onaylyorum ben de; glmsemeyi ihmal etmeden. Garson gidiyor, ben tabam bitiriyorum. Krnt bile kalmyor geride. Sonra/ e kadar sayyorum iimden. Nihayet ofrmz, silmedik cam, parlatmadk ayna kalmadna karar vermi olmal ki, aramza katld. Onun yerine geip minibs altrmasyla birlikte, herkesi bozuk para denkletirme tela sard. Ben rahatm. ki kiilik cret deyeceim iin, ofrn benden bozuk para beklemeyeceini umuyorum. Araba sarsla sarsla alrken, yamur damlalar vuruyor cama. Uzaklarda bir yerlerde imek akyor. Hazrz artk. Gk grlyor. Gidelim artk. ndeki tek koltukta gen adam oturuyor. ofrn arkasndaki l koltukta, ben ve 26 neyse ki artk, poetlerini hrdatp oflayp poflamaktan vazgemie benzeyen kadnla ocuu. Arkadaki drtl koltukta ise, srasyla, minibse bindikleri andan itibaren bir saniye susmayp, elinde avucunda ne varsa yitiren ortak ahbaplarn iflasa srkleyen sebepleri bir bir ortaya dken orta yalarda iki ev hanm; srekli cep telefonuyla bir yerleri arayp talimat yadrdndan ne i yaptn hepimizin rendii sinirli, takm elbiseli, kelli felli, yalca emlk; ve cam kenarnda, elinde iek demeti, buram buram parfmyle belli ki nemli bir randevuya giden szgn yzl, dalgn bakl adam. te aynen byle dizilmiiz. te aynen byle dizilmitik, aramza fazladan bir yolcu katlana kadar. ofrn direksiyonu krp, minibsn burnunu duraktan karmasyla, kapnn telala almas bir oluyor. Kvrck salarndan sular damlayan ve formasndan liseli olduu anlalan bir gen kz, son derece evik hareketlerle atlyor minibse. Anlalamaz bir biimde, tam dakika boyunca ofr bu yeni yolcuyu fark etmemi grnyor. Ancak dakikann sonunda, tam da ana caddeye alan sokan kesine vardmzda, hepimizi silkeleyecek kadar sert bir fren yapp arkaya

eyes, it would be possible to be filled with time by sucking deeply on the present moment. In any event, their responsibilities were ready and waiting to be wrapped up. The loose string would quickly be re-wound. Children would take care of their mothers, mothers-in-law would take care of their daughtersin-law, and friends would take care of each other; those who were still captivated by the sea would be reminded that they had to reach the cherry-coloured tent before it grew dark. It worked. Once those who were lost in empty dreams were reminded of who they were, they would come on their own. In any event, as Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi often said: if the ship of womanhood were to sink, it would not be from a slow leak in the cargo hold of womanly duty motherly responsibility, but from a resounding and heavy rain of cannon balls of dreams. Women were susceptible to the lure of dreams. Even though in time this area came to be called a swamp, no one who had ever smelled the heady fragrance of the fig and lemon trees, or seen their delicate purple buds would want to believe it. Here, sparrows would chirp merrily, peacocks would strut around showing off, and nightingales would compose melodies to roses of unsurpassed beauty. For all of the women, if the area surrounding the cherry-coloured tent was a part of heaven, then that steep hill was the bridge which the righteous will pass over and from which the unrighteous will fall on the Day Of Judgement. But no one bothered their heads much about this question. It wasnt the outside of the tent that was important, it was the inside. And if anyone knew the truth of the matter, it would be Keramet Mumi Keke Memif Efendi. Here, it was possible to meet women of every temperament and nature. Matchmakers eagerly cast their eyes about for marriageable girls, irritable old women who constandy moved their lips as they cursed everything, cunning and foulmouthed cloth peddlers looking for customers to corner, widows wrapped from head to toe in grief, cheap sluts who had aged before their

dnyor ve minibste yer olmadn sylyor. te o an, yle kt hissediyorum ki kendimi. Yamur da hzland aksi gibi. Bu berbat havada, liseli bir gen kzn darda kalmasna sebep benim. Onun oturaca yeri kaplayan ben. Alev alev yanyor yanaklarm. Baharatl sar leblebiler bilmi bilmi bakyorlar kesekdnn dibinden. Biliyorum, byle bir anda yemei dnmek abes ama acktm hissediyorum. Hani u yan yana dizilip, yalarn damlata damlata, belli belirsiz czrtlar karta karta vitrinlerde dnen pili evirmeler geliyor gzmn nne. Zaten ne zaman acksam, illa da neyi yemek istediimi bilirim. Sanki ben ackmam da, belli bir anda belli bir yiyecek beni arr. te imdi de, yle nar gibi kzarm bir pili ekiyor canm; yannda da kzarm patates, birazck hardal ve bolca turu. Ben bunlar kurarken, l koltua bir gz atp durumu hemencecik kavrayan liseli kz, hepimizi hayrete dren bir rahatlkla atlarak, benden ve ocuklu kadndan geriye kalan mini minnack yere oturuveriyor. "Fark etmez! Ben buraya sarm!" Nasl sabilir ki? Eminim knn yans havadadr. Ama o adeta bir iyilik perisi. litii kenarda kazann kollaryla salarn kurularken, hi de ikyeti grnmyor halinden. tiraz etmediine baklr27 sa, ofr de memnun olmal. Benimse kafam karyor. imdi ben iki kiilik cret deyeceime gre, liseli kz da para verecek mi? im-den bir ses duruma mdahale etmemi sylyor. Biliyorum ki, bir buukla iki arasnda bir yerlerde olduumu gstermek iin cmle leme, byle bir frsat kolay kolay gemez bir daha elime. Ben bir buuk kiilik cret derim, kz da yarm. Teklifimi dile getirmek iin en mnasip cmleyi bulmaya alrken, yaya geidinden, elinde bastonu, peinde bir sr kediyle kr bir adam yrmeye balyor. ofr ileden kp, dat dat kornaya basyor. Vazgeiyorum. Minibs adm adm ilerlerken trafikte, yolcular aheste revan kayyor kendi lemine. Kslyor sesler, zlyor

time, greying whores who looked older than they were, fresh young girls whose pink complexions showed that theyd spent the whole day at the baths, professional midwives who knew at a glance what cure was needed for anyones troubles, swannecked dancing girls who never danced, never even smiled without hearing the sound of money, poor Jewish women from the miserable shacks of Balat, Gypsy women who carried their babies on their backs and their secrets in their bosoms, spoiled, pink-skinned Circassion girls, Arab women with mascara and jet-black hair, brides-to-be who tied silk handkerchiefs ELIF SHAFAK to the branches of the trees around the tent, rich Armenian women with palanquins inlaid with mother-ofpearl, Persian women who smelled of hot spices, French governesses who taught etiquette to the children of elite families, multi-talented concubines who were raised to be given as gifts to the palace, pregnant women with swollen bellies, Italian actresses who couldnt share with their troupes, deeply rehgious grandmothers who were forcibly dragged here by their grandchildren and the grumbling of their daughters-in-law, ladies who were the toast of Pera society, house-proud Greeks from Tatavla, Russian women of slight and graceful build and languorous looks, successful English dance teachers, usurers wives who had new clothes made each time their husbands made a killing, selfsacrificing nurses from the hospitals of Beyoglu and so many others/ young, old, children, everyone imaginable was here. There was one only reason these varied women, who did not mention each other in their prayers and who did not let each other exist in their dreams, struggled up the hill to meet at the westward-facing gate of the cherry-coloured tent: in order to see the ugliest of the ugly, that wretched, plagued creature, the Sable-Girl! Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi was responsible for all of it. Indeed no one but him would ever have thought of all these things. Keramet Mumi Kegke Memi Efendi was a clever and agile man. His

renkler. leden sonrayd ben bu minibse bindiimde, imdiyse akam olmal. Yolun tkankl, radyonun czrtlar, arkadaki ev hanmlarnn fsltlar, iyerlerinin titrek klar, cama vuran yamur damlalar/ her ey o kadar lk, ylesine tandk ki, uykum geliyor yeniden. Ama uyumayacam. Seyretmek istiyorum minibsn dn ve de iini. Ben gz-kapaklanmla bouurken, liseli kz yanmdaki ocua irinlikler yapyor. ocuun annesi, bir mddet tebessmle izliyor olan biteni. Ardndan, ikyete balyor. "Hi sorma. Pek yaramaz ablas." Ablas!/ ablalar? Kadn birden soluna dnp, beni yle bir szyor. Kalarm nasl atmsam, beni bu muhabbete dahil etmekten derhal vazgeip, tekrar liseli kza dnyor. Oysa benim kadar iman bir kadnsanz eer, nedense herkes ocuklarla ok iyi geinmenizi bekler. Bu yaktrma o kadar sk yaplr ki, altm saylr. Benim gibilere ocuklarn gnl rahatlyla emanet eder anneler. Ama ben gene de ocuklarla anlaabildiimden emin deilim. Sylemitim, imanlk beni sinirli biri yapyor. Zaten yle bir dnyorum da, ocuklara dkn bir iman kadn tandm sanmyorum. Ho, kendimden daha iman birini de tanmadm ya imdiye kadar. Sadece ok eskiden/ ok ok eskiden, ok ok iman bir kadn tanmtm. Ayaklan ylesine etli, ylesine iriydi ki, ayakkab giyemez, yaz k terlikle dolard. Her biri bir ocuk enindeki bacaklarnda, eflatunun tekmil tonlarndan damarlar vard. te o ok iman bir kadnd; belki de ben ok kktm o zamanlar/ Her neyse, o da ocuklar sevmezdi zaten. Deil ocuklar, kimseyi sevmezdi. Glmsedii bir tek an bile hatrlamyorum. Kimbilir, belki imanlk onu da sinirli biri yapyordu. Yanmdaki ocuk arkadan uzatlan paralan avucunda smsk tutmu, annesinin btn srarlarna ramen ofre uzatmamakta inat 28 ediyor. Hani u, bir dedii iki edilmemi, daha henz bir ihtimalden ibaretken bebek odasnn hazrlklan noksansz tamamlanm, bir hayli ge dourulmu, bir hayli zor dourulmu, uruna adaklar adanp

strangeness was apparent from birth. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi came to this realm in the following manner: His mother, whose life would not have been fulfilled if she had died before giving birth to a son, and who had poured the blood of sacrificial victims onto the earth in the hope of this good fortune, who had even sought the help of a sorceress in order not to leave any spell untried, who had given birth to six girls one after another, and after so many miscarriages, finally, having learned this in a dream one night from a hairless, beardless dervish, tied locks of her hair to the thin branches of the blackberry trees in the garden and THE GAZE arranged candles in concentric circles, and her husband, who shed pleaded with, shaking with embarrassment at having to undress in the innermost circle, not saying it was not because of the cold but because the neighbours will see and well never live it down, was made to believe her, and not change his mind. Towards dawn that night she became pregnant with Memi. After nine months and ten days of not lifting a finger about the house, on a violently windy autumn evening, the poor woman gave birth to Memi with a stillness and patience that amazed the midwife. Although in truth the name was not given to her in the dervish dream, she was absolutely certain that Memi was the most appropriate name for such a generous-hearted person. Living up to his name, Memi wouldnt even hurt a fly. Indeed, as a baby Memi didnt even utter a sound of complaint to his mother. Unlike his elder sisters, throughout the pregnancy he did not cause his mother to drown from her tears, to cook unmentionable foods, or to have awful nightmares. Even stranger was the fact that the birth was painless. He wasnt born but rather slid out; he didnt slide out but virtually flowed out. He flowed from one shell to another without panic or hope. As if all he wanted was to establish himself here without bothering anyone, he slid himself into the midwifes

dualar edilmi, sosyetik kliniklerin kaplan andrlm, mehur doktorlarn her dedii harfiyyen yerine getirilmi, nice menfi testten, pahal tedaviden, usandnc tartmadan, boanmalann eiinden, "olmazsa evlat ediniriz" tesellilerinden sonra, hem de artk mitlerin kesildii bir anda nihayet baanlm, daha bir kan phtsyken varl kutlama sebebi addedilmi, doduunda slalenin hediye yamuruna tutulmu, bir an olsun annesinin gznn nnden ayrlmam, aklnn hayalinin alabileceinden daha fazla oyunca olmu, her annn onlarca fotoraf ekilmi, her glcne methiyeler dzlm, her latifesi defterlere kaydedilmi, fotoraflar btn slalenin albmlerini, erevelerini, czdanlarn sslemi, pek pohpohlanm, pek martlm, hi yalnz braklmam, hi yalnz olmam ocuklardan biri. Bence irkin bir ocuk bu. stelik gzleri de prtlek. Gzlerinde kavanoz dibi gzlkler; hani u insann gzlerini en az kat daha iri gsterenlerden. ocuk sk sk dnp, bana bakyor. kimizin de yz kekremsi; ikimiz de her an sirkeleebilecek baklarla inceliyoruz birbirimizi. Neyse ki, liseli kzn cvl cvl sesi aramza giriyor. "Aa, yle deme annesi. Eminim uslu bir ocuktur o," diyor. Ardndan, gene yle iten glmseyerek ekliyor: "Keke ismini de bilseydim bu gzel kzn. Syle bakalm, ismin ne?" Prtlek-gzl-irkinocuk beni hemen unuttu. Arkasn dnp, liseli kz dinlemeye koyuldu. imdi dudaklarn smsk kapattna, kalann atp suratn daha da astna baklrsa ismini sylememekte srarl. Oysa ocuun bu beklenmedik direnii harekete geiriyor liseli kz. Onu konuturmann bir yolunu bulmal. "Peki o zaman baka bir ey soraym. Syle bakalm, say saymay biliyor musun?" Prtlekgzl-irkin-ocuk hevesle ban sallyor. Ama hl du-daklann aralamyor. "Yok, yoook!" diyor liseli kz. "Buseydin hemen sayardn. Kocaman kz olmusun ama say saymay bilmiyorsun demek.

hands without causing any trouble or inconvenience. After six girls in a row, the first boy child! The poor woman was so certain that this time her child would be a boy, she didnt even feel the need to ask the childs sex when it was born. Burying her head in the pillow, she drew in the dense smell of the room. The room had a smell that she wasnt used to: it smelled as if, somewhere nearby, they were using the smoke from different kinds of tree barks in order to get rid of termites. Strange thing, she thought to herself. She had to tell them that there were no termites in that room. When I wake, she said to herself, When I wake Ill tell them.After a last smile of delight, she closed her eyes and never opened them again. Because the midwife couldnt take her eyes off the baby, it was ELIF SHAFAK some time before she noticed that the mother had left them. There was something unsettling about this tiny, tiny boy, but she couldnt quite understand what it was. Thank God, there was nothing wrong with his body; he did not start to cry, but it was possible to take care of that with a little slap. There was something else about this baby; some/ thing/ else/ a little later one of the neighbour women came in and handed the midwife a bowl full of the blood of a ram that had been sacrificed. Just as the midwife was about to dip her finger into the blood and dab his forehead, she started to chuckle. Finally she realised the cause of her uneasiness: it was the babys face. The baby Memijs face was virtually transparent. His mouth-noseeyebrows-eyes were both complete and incomplete. His mouth-noseeyebrows-eyes hadnt come in person, but had sent their shadows instead. The midwifes anxiety transmitted itself to the others in the room, and now everyone leaned over and carefully examined the face of this baby who didnt cry or move and who seemed to greet the world with an indifferent smile. All of those who were examining this face that had just come into existence found nothing extraordinary about its features, but at the same time couldnt take

Yazk!" Ani bir sessizlik oluyor minibsn iinde. Biz btn yolcular, liseli kzn sranna kilitlenmi vaziyetteyiz. Arkadaki ev hanmlan onu bunu ekitirmeyi, sinirli emlk da oraya buraya telefon etmeyi brakt; ofr hem radyoyu hem de camlan kapatt; dandan gelen sesler azald, yamur bile daha sessiz yamaya balad. 29 "Yaaa!" diye nlyor ocuun sesi. "Biliiiyoruuum!" "Ih! Bilmiyorsun." "Biliyorum ite, biliyorum ite!" Prtlekgzl-irkin-ocuk tepinmeye balyor. ocuk tepindik-e, stla beyaz oraplar, ayckl kurdelalan, adalanm ilek reeli renginde ayakkablar, sivrisinek srklaryla ve kabuk tutmaya hi frsat bulamam eski ve yeni yaralarla dolu p gibi bacaklar da bir ileri bir geri sallanyor gzmn nnde. "Biliyomu, biliyomu," diyor olan biteni deminden beri dikiz aynasndan izleyen ofr. "yleyse saysn da grelim," diyor liseli kz kurnazca. Otobslerden edindiim alkanlkla, bu zorlu yolculuk boyunca rahat rahat, bo bo bakabileceim bir yer aramaya balyorum. Nasl olduysa daha nce farkna varmamm. Dikiz aynasnn altnda, zerinde sadece pskl pskl bir etek ve kafasnda lime lime bir hasr apka olan, lepiska salar topuklarna kadar uzanan, bir eliyle dolgun memelerini kapatmaya alrken, teki eliyle de bir sepet dolusu meyve tayan, plak ayakl, boyal dudakl, uh edal bir oyuncak bebek asl. ofr aniden frene bastnda oyuncak bebein sol gznde krmz bir n yanmasyla snmesi bir oluyor. Ayn anda prtlek-gzlirkin-ocuk saymaya balyor. "Biiiir, iiiiiki, / " Ve birden susuyor. Biz hepimiz, dilimizin ucunda "drt" ile kalakalyoruz. ofr ve ndeki tek koltukta oturan gen adam, ben, ocuun annesi ve liseli kz, arkadaki ev hanmlar ve sinirli emlk, gergin bir tebessmle bekliyoruz. En kede cam kenarnda oturan ve etrafna buram buram parfmle iek kokulan yayan adamsa, "drt" dercesine gayri ihtiyari ne doru bzm dudaklarn, ylece duruyor. ayet byle yaparsa, rakamlarn arkas gelecek, o da mhim randevusuna

their eyes off of these extraordinary features. As if every feature of this babys face had been scattered randomly, but there was still a hidden order in this randomness. Because of the state it was in, they couldnt quite understand what the face resembled, or decide whether it was ugly or beautiful. The blessed babys face confused them so much that, except for the midwife who didnt like the gloominess one bit and stood up all of a sudden, no one could leave the cradles side. Confronted with the boy in the cradle and the dead woman in the bed, the midwife asked God for strength and said to herself: Theres surely a miracle here! In this way, Keramet was added to the baby Memis name. If it were up to the midwife, there wouldnt have been reason to delve into the matter too much. Indeed if there was a miracle involved, there was no point in worrying to such a degree. But THE GAZE the babys aunt was a bold and fearless woman; very intelligent, and stalwart too. That day she sensed immediately that things were going wrong, but because she didnt want to go out of her room unless the house was deserted, she sat in her room for hours, reading the Koran and waiting for a sign. Then, when at last things became quiet, she took the baby into her lap, and looked it over carefully. She agreed with the others about baby Keramet Memi having flowed out rather than being born. But the way he flowed didnt quite resemble the flowing of nocturnal rivers vengefully scooping out their beds, or of wild waterfalls cascading loudly, or of endless seas agitating sadly, shabby, heavy rains pouring down indifferently or of melting snow in the first warmth of the beginning of spring. It would be more accurate to say that he dripped rather than flowed. Moreover, there was a difference between dripping and dripping. Water drips too, and blood; oil drips, and time; and tears also drip, for instance. But each one drips differently. Some of them could become steam and dry themselves with the desire to rise

daha abuk yetiecek sanki. Bir mddet sonra, prtlek-gzlirkinocuk etrafna kaamak bir bak frlatp, minibsteki herkesin ilgi oda haline geldiinden tamamen emin olunca, sevinle yaslanyor annesine ve kald yerden devam ediyor saymaya. "Biiir, ikiiiii, , biir ikii , bir iki , bir ki / Beynim zonkluyor. Rakamlarn cinleri, bellerinde fenerleri, ellerinde sprgeleri, bit kadar her biri, dadar edilmi dilleri, mil ekilmi gzleri, hoplaya zplaya, vuruyorlar kapya, tak tak, donk donk, burada kimse yok, duymuyorlar sesimi. Bzlp camdan dar bakyorum; baktm yerde, grdm nesne olmay dleyerek. Bu esna30 da ocuk giderek hzlanyor; hzlandka alp, aldka arszla-yor. Herkesi kendine esir etmenin keyfini karyor. "birikibirikibirikibirikibi riki" nmek istiyorum. nip baka bir minibse binmek. Yok hayr, baka bir minibs olmaz. Otobs de olmaz, taksi de. Hibirini ekemem imdi. Gvdem ne kadar itiraz ederse etsin, en iyisi tabana kuvvet yrmek. Hem, yola koyulmadan nce, ayak st bir eyler att-rabilirim bir bfede. yle ketapl, Rus salatal bir sosisli sandvi iyi gelirdi sinirlerime. Yannda da limonata belki. Msait bir yerde bu minibsten kurtulabilirim. nmek iin ge deil hl. Ama o zaman, adamakll karacak hesaplar. Ikikiilik-cret-deyen-bir-buuk iken yolculuum, iki-kiilik-cret-deyen-sfr olacak yokluum. stelik ben bu minibsten inersem, annesi, prtlek-gzl-irkin-ocuu benim yerime oturtacak muhtemelen. Vazgeiyorum. Acktm. Oysa trafik tkal, yamur hzland, yol uzun. Acktm. Oysa ocuk irkin, hem de prtlek gzl, rakamlar yaman. Acktm. Ama abartmamahym. Topu topu birden e sayana kadar srecek bu yolculuk; birden e varana kadar topu topu. "Biiir, ikiii, , biir, ikii, , bir, iki, , biriki, birikibirikibiriki/ ." 31 BR "YUM GZN!" PERA-1885 Akam ezanndan

into the sky, some of them stayed in the place theyd landed, some of them could come to the top of whatever hollow they had been put into and show off, some of them could depart from their eternity and arrive at endlessness; some of them could leave behind deposits of anguish on the paths theyd travelled. When it came to the baby Keramet Memi, his dripping didnt resemble any of these. He looked as if he would stay where he had dripped, in the state in which he had dripped; that is, he was more like a drop of wax rather than of water or blood, oil or time, or even tear drops. For a long time, the aunt smelled this baby that still didnt cry, or move, but simply remained where he was, and how he was. And when she determined that the smell wafting from the baby was definitely that of wax, she became frightened. Because a drop of wax stays where it flows and hardens where it stays as soon as it is far from the source of heat. Because the wax cannot become liquid unless it can return to the bosom of heat from which it came. But the warm womb that had brought the baby Keramet Memij into ELIF SHAFAK the world had long since begun to grow cold. Soon, as the source of light that was his mothers body became as cold as ice, the liquid would solidify and then become rigid. And once something had hardened, it was impossible for it to take shape. So the babys face needed to be shaped. It was as if a curtain of wax, half transparent and half mysterious, had been pulled between the baby Keramet Memis face and humanity. At that moment the poor woman realised that she had to pull herself together and do something. Since this strange baby had dripped into this world instead of being born, from moment to moment he was hardening just like a drop of wax where he fell and in the state in which he fell; and since he was completely deprived of the source of heat that would warm and soothe him, and by soothing melt him, if she didnt intervene at that moment, the babys face would freeze in its transparent

sonra, yokuun tepesindeki vine rengi adrn batya bakan kaps kadnlar iin alrd. te o zaman kadnlar er beer, beer onar girmeye balard yokuun tepesindeki vine rengi adrn batya bakan kapsndan ieri. Grltlerini de beraberlerinde getirerek. Koca adrn haremlik ksm onlara tahsis edilmiti. Kucaklarnda ikin bohalar yanlarnda mzmz ocuklaryla, birbirlerine sokulup feracelerine sarlarak geerlerdi eikten. Yzlerce kadn gelirdi buraya; her tynetten, her merepten. Hangi millete mensup olduklar, hangi dilde konuup hangi dinde ibadet ettikleri mhim deildi. Kadn olmalar kfiydi; bir de, birlikte gelmeleri. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi art komutu: kadn dediin yalnz bana varmamalyd bu adra. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi bilirdi ki, vine rengi adrn batya bakan kaps, ayn aydnlk yzyd. Bir de tuhaf bir hikye anlatrd onun hakknda. Dediine gre ayn aydnlk yz, sevilmemekten korkarm en ok, bir de alarken tek bana olmaktan. Gm bir tarakla tararm salarn. Taran savatl dilerine taklan ltl sa tellerini zenle toplarm. Sonra, her bir sa telini gizlice bir baka insann omuzuna brakrm. Sa kim-deyse, onun gznde unutulmaz olacana inanrm. Haksz da sayl-mazm hani; omuzlarnda ayn aydnlk yznn ltl sa telleriyle dolaanlar, gece olur olmaz yreklerinin niin byle sktn bir trl anlayamayp, endielerinin gzbebekleriyle birlikte bydn bilmeden dalgn dalgn bakarlarm gkkubbeye. Aradklarnn 33 r orada olduunu derinden hisseder ama hislerine tercman olamazlarm. Hatta ilerinden bazlar bu semav sevdaya kendilerini kaptrp, yemeden imeden kesilirmi. Neyse ki, ayn aydnlk yz abucak sklrm oyun arkadalarndan. Grd her sureti iki nefeste siler, bulduu her muhabbeti tek yudumda ier, kurduu her dostluun dibine tez vakitte dar ekermi. Hi kimse yeterince acayip, hibir hikye yeterince airane deilmi. Gene de vazgeemezmi insanlardan.

immobility. If she hadnt appreciated this and taken it into hand quickly, Keramet Memi wouldnt have had a face for the rest of his life. Immediately, the aunt took a piece of hazelnut shell and burned it in the fire. Later, she began to shape the babys face even as it began to harden. With the black of the hazelnut shell, she drew the eyes and mouth, the eyebrows and eyelashes, the chin and forehead and the cheeks and temples. When it came time for the eyes, the dead woman in the bed was about to freeze and the wax-drop baby was just on the point of hardening completely. From that moment on, it very definitely wouldnt take shape, or come to life. Indeed time was so short that, with her hands tangled up by panic, she could only draw two thin slits for eyes. There was no more time for the eyes. That day, the baby was not only left with the face his aunt drew with the hazelnut shell, he was also left with a name: Mumi! After that they showed Keramet Mumi Memi to his father. The poor man was so very delighted that he finally had a son after all these years he swore to feed all the poor of seven neighbourhoods and to bring anyone who hadnt been washed since birth to the THE GAZE baths for a good cleaning, But before he had finished saying this, a lump formed in his throat. He sensed some kind of misfortune. With the terror of a sparrow whose wing has been caught by a cat, he ran with his heart in his throat to the room where his wife slept. He couldnt find the courage to open his eyes. Feeling his way in the darkness, he found the now completely ice cold body. He buried his nose in his wifes hair, which as always smelled of walnuts and cinnamon and the north-west wind. But it was as if another smell had been added to these. As if/ the smell of wax was hanging in the air. He laid the baby Keramet Mumi Memi next to his mother. As he left the room he didnt even turn and look once; either at the mother nor at the baby. In his mind he had buried the two of them together, side-by-

Korkarm nk; lesiye korkarm yalnz kalmaktan, alarken tek bana olmaktan. Bir kuyuya eilip, bakr bakrataki suda kendine bakm bir zamanlar. "Ne kadar gzelim," demi hayran hayran. "yleyse niin irkin biri kadar bile mutlu olamyorum?" Kuyu homurdanm, su bulanm. "Ne kadar parlam," demi dalgn dalgn. "yleyse niin yreimdeki karanlktan kurtulamyorum?" Bakr bakra atlam, her atlaktan ayr ayr su szm. Ayn aydnlk yz o gn bugndr uzak dururmu kuyulardan. Cevapsz kalan sorular hatrna dtke, yanndan hi ayrmad gm pudraln ap, uzun uzun pudralanrm. Her daim biricik olmak istermi, esiz ve rakipsiz. Kendinden daha parlak bir diiye tahamml yokmu; ayet bir gn byle biri karsa karsna, onu ortadan kaldrmak iin yapamayaca ey de. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi bu hikyeyi durduk yerde anlatmazd. Zira gayet iyi bilirdi ki, kadnlar en ok birbirlerine dmand. Kadnlar ne vakit bir araya gelseler evvela tepeden trnaa birbirlerini szer, ppadak birbirlerinin derdini tasasn kefeder, ancak ondan sonra hal hatr sormaya geerlerdi. Muhabbet koyulatka, nerede bir yrtk yahut leke, karanlk oda yahut mezbele var ise, teker teker tespit edip zenle ilerlerdi hasralt defterlerine. Arkadalklar tavan uykusuna benzerdi. Yzleri birbirlerine dnk uyurlard, en ufak trtya kulak kabartarak. Srdalklarnn harc yumurta aklarna bulanm vehimlerle karlmt. Yap salamd salam olmasna da, zangr zangr sallanrd dipten vuran ilk kuruntuda. Oysa gm bir ayna olmadan, iini tam yapamazd gm tarak. Bir ayna lazmd muhakkak. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi bilirdi ki, kadnlar birbirlerinin akislerinde irkinletirdi. Birbirlerine katiyyen arkalann dnmemeli; yan yana, kol kola gelmelilerdi bu sebepten. Yokuu birlikte kmal, bir vine aac kadar kalabalk olmallard batya bakan kapdan ieri girdiklerinde. 34 Kadnlarn bazlar zaten birbirlerinden ayrlmamay huy

side. As the door closed, he murmured something, perhaps a farewell. If only! he said, If only shed lived, if only shed given birth to a girl again. So thats how Keramet Mumi Keke Memi came into this world. The rest was left to time. Later on, when his form had grown, Efendi was also added to these famous names. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi was very clever and agile. Every night he wrestled with a different group of demons. He climbed mountains no one else had the courage to climb, he was quick to develop a thesis in his mind, but once he had developed it he grew bored with it. If he wanted, he could squeeze blood out of a stone, or imprison the wheel of fortune within itself. Then leaving the poor wheel of fortune as it is, he would be seized by lust in sinful hidden places. Everybody knew that he regularly visited houses of ill repute. According to rumour, he loved listening to the stories of the regulars and the working women; he distributed gold in exchange for the stories he heard and for the pleasure he had received. From time to time he also went out hunting. The aim of hunting ELIF SHAFAK was not to gallop across the meadows with a bow in his hand, it was to spend the whole day painstakingly and delicately laying / ..pletel) undetectable traps he'd spent such tremendous rlloii | r. | .1111v hut it the end of the day, because he hadnt the moth it inn to r< turn to ( ollei t whatever had fallen into his traps, he il t i. mi tit .I In nit the hunt empty-handed. Hed long since been ml) i i t< < mis ,md as wise as Solomon. Nevertheless, if it crossed In mind, hed give everything he had at hand to charity, and be left without a penny. Later, hed straighten things out again. If he wanted, he could sell a crow as a nightingale, or an old horse as a donkey, could even fool the devil himself and gather seven neighbourhoods for his show. He also loved to surprise people, but grew cold toward them when they were surprised by the

edinmiti. Dost canlsyd ou ya da yle grnmek isterdi. Gle oynaya karlard yokuu. Yokuun dibinde cmbr cemaat balattklar yolculuu, adrn aznda gene cmbr cemaat noktalayarak. Bazlar da, eninde sonunda bir araya gelmeleri gerektiini gayet iyi bildikleri halde, mmkn olan en son adma kadar ayr ayr, ayr gayr trmanrlard ilk merhaleyi. Souk nevaleydi ou ya da yle grnmek isterdi. Yokuun zerindeki eme, onlar iin dnemeti. emeye vardklarnda, elmahkm yaklarlard birbirlerine. Kurum kurum kurulurdu eme; cotuka coar, tarrd sularn. Kadnlar buz gibi suyla azlarn, alnlarn, boyunlarn slatrlard. Oraya kadar bir bana gelmi olanlar birer ikier toplar, bu zaruri arkadala uysalca sokularak yollarna devam ederlerdi. Tanma faslyla geerdi yokuun ikinci ksm. Bundan sonra birbirlerinden ayrlmamallard; bundan sonra yabanclar ahbap, ahbaplar ayakda saylrd. Her admda herkes biraz daha ferahlar, biraz daha alrd. Hatta koldalarnn kollarnda korkularndan arnanlar bile kard. Oysa Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'nin emirleri katiydi; korkunun ta kendisi dahi olsa, hibir dii dlanmamalyd adra skn eden kadnlar gruhundan, ite bu sebepten, akam ezanndan sonra, birbirlerine sokulup, feracelerine sarlarak; kucaklarnda ikin bohalar, yanlarnda mzmz ocuklar ve pelerinde kadim korkularyla sr sepet cmbr cemaat girerdi kadnlar, vine rengi adrn batya bakan kapsndan ieri. Yayand ou. Zira yokuu faytonla kmakta srar edenlerin akbeti, esrarengiz kazalara kurban gitmek olabilirdi. Bazen ters giden hibir ey olmaz; kan ter iinde de olsa, dik yokuu kp, tepeye varmay baarrd atlar. Bazen de hi sebepsiz devriliverirdi fayton. Buzda kayarcasna, son srat gerisin geri yuvarlanrd iindekiler. Bu tr vakalar her daim, bire bin katp, bine bir gdm esrar tozu serperek nakledilirdi. Hal byle olunca da, her gaflette bir musibet ve her musibette bir alamet tespit etmeye

unsurprising. However, it wasnt Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendis intelligence or proficiency that people found odd, it was his eyes. His eyes were already like that when he was a child. They were always like that. His eyes didnt give away what he felt. Perhaps he didnt feel anything. His childhood passed like this. On one side there were his elder sisters. The sisters who found new games every day simply so he wouldnt get bored, who lit rows of oil lamps day and night, winter and summer in every corner of the wooden house to replace the warmth of his departed mother, who gathered in his room and set up a shadow play for him that would last until morning, on the evenings when the child was being punished, who went from door to door in every corner of the city in order to collect the best tales, not hesitating to give away their favourite parts of their trousseaus; who would get sick with envy if one of the others told him a tale that had never been heard or told before, who continued to love their youngest brother above all else even after theyd married and started families, despite their husbands beatings and their childrens reproaches. On the other side there was his father. The father who, once THE GAZE night fell, didnt hide the fact that he didnt like to see his son; who until his last breath slept in the bed in which his wife had died, and never touched another woman; who some nights would wake up suddenly and smash all the oil lamps in the house to pieces; who forever opposed the affection the girls showed this little boy; who would fly into abrupt rages, and take out his cherry-wood stick; who would ask after his son as soon as he came to his senses the next day; who would feel pangs of regret and beg forgiveness when he saw his sons bruised and purple flesh; but who before a few days had passed would fly into a worse rage, and give him an even worse beating; who drank constantly, and swore constantly; who was not good at anything/

alkn kadn ksm, neme lazm yoku stndeki evliyalar kzdrmaktansa, yokuun banda faytonlarndan inip, tabana kuvvet trmanmay yelerdi. Arada srada, tahtrevanla gelenler de olurdu. Bu, kalburst ailelerin aka paka kadnlar, gl kuvvetli hizmetkrlarn omuzlannda, marur baklarla kard yokuu. Ama dnya hali; baz baz, onlar da devriliverirdi. Yokuun ikinci ksmnn son admnda dnp de geriye bakanlar, denizi grebilirdi. Mavi, masmaviydi deniz;jghindi duru durgunluunda. Baz kadnlar, baz baz, delice bir fikre kaplrd. Deniz, bi35 rikmi stn aktacak az arayan bir meme ucu gibi ptr ptr kabanr, szm szm szlar, usul usul arrd uzaktan. imdi/ ne gemie kederlenmek, ne gelecee didinmek; sanki/ sadece ve sadece gzler-kapal-az-ak kendini salarak, u an kana kana emmekle mmkn olabilecekti zamana doyabilmek. Neyse ki alesta beklerdi sorumluluklarn yuma. Geveyen ip, hzla geri sarlrd. ocuklar annelerine, kaynanalar gelinlerine, ahbaplar birbirlerine sahip kar; akl denizde kalanlara, hava kararmadan vine rengi adra varmak zorunda olduklar hatrlatlrd. e yarard. Kim olduklarn hatrlatmak, tp tp geri getirirdi beyhude hayallere kaplanlar. Zaten Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi sk sk sylerdi: kadn ksmnn gemisi batsa batsa, sorumluluklar ambarnda alan gedikten azar azar su ala ala deil, beklenmedik bir anda hayaller mendireine gmbr gmbr yaan gllelerden tr batard. Vaktiyle buralarn bataklk olduu sylense de, adr evreleyen incir ve limon aalarnn baygn kokularn bir kez iine ekip, oya aalarnn eflatun tomurcuklann grenin buna inanas gelmezdi. Burada sereler neeyle cvldar, tavus kular cakayla dolar, blbller grlmemi gzellikte gllere nameler dzerdi. Kadnlarn kimine gre, eer cennetten bir paraysa vine rengi adrn etraf, o dik yokua da

So he spent his childhood lurching between these opposites. On the one side his sisters undying affection, and on the other his fathers passing rages. Indeed Keramet Mumi Kejke Memi Efendi s strangeness was already apparent then. But whether he was treated with respect and deference or whether he was put down and treated with contempt; whether he was fed more than he could eat or whether he was taught a lesson with dry bread and water, whether he was loved or whether he was beaten, it had no effect on his expression. Not once did his eyes ever give away what he felt. It was as if those two narrow, slanting slits of eyes were devoid of any emotion. He was like that as a child and hes still like that today. Even when he married, and saw his fate before him, his eyes, as always, were as mute as ever. Then, there was a difficult turning point. On his wedding night, he broke the mirror that reflected him. And he looked at himself harder and longer than hed ever looked before. It was like a shamans patched and threadbare cloak Reflected in the broken pieces of mirror Ready to unravel, it was like a piece of unravelled thread Scattered randomly, There was order in its randomness. ELIF SHAFAK Time was without end, space was without limit So why did it end up squeezed into this form? He took the scissors and Cut up the story on which the name had been stamped; Scattering the pieces through time and space In another time Either much later or very soon And in another place Very far away but also just here On the point of returning to the world It had immediately to cease existing. He was here but didnt want to exist, and when he saw that he was trapped here in this form, even though he didnt want to exist, his days became difficult. He was torn apart like a mad laugh. But he lived. And much later, early one morning he went out into the streets again. Not as before

olsa olsa srat kprs olmak yakrd. Gene de kimse uzun uzun kafa yormazd bu meselelere. Aslolan adrn d deil, iiydi. Zaten iin dorusunu bilse bilse Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi bilebilirdi. Her merepten, her tynetten kadna rastlamak mmknd burada. Fldr fldr gzleriyle gelinlik anda kz bakan patanlar, dudaklar kpr kpr her eye lanet okuyan huysuz kocakarlar, frsattan istifade kafalayacak alc arayan az bozuk bohaclar, tepeden trnaa mateme brnm dullar, vaktinden evvel kocam bakr ake yellozlar, yandan byk gsteren yksek kranta orospular, tenlerinin pembeliinden btn gn hamamda geirdikleri anlalan tazeler, kimin derdine neyin ifa vereceini bir bakta zen insan sarraf ebeler, kesenin az almadka deil raks, tebessm dahi etmeyen kuu boyunlu engiler, Balat'n sefil barakalanndan yoksul Yahudi kadnlar, bebeklerini srtlarnda, srlarn koyunlarnda tayan ingene kadnlar, pembe tenli nazenin erkez kzlar, srmeli gzl abanoz sal Arap kadnlar, adr evreleyen aalarn dallarnda ipek mendilleri uuan adakllar, sedef kakmal tahtrevanlaryla arz- endam eden zengin Ermeni kadnlar, acmtrak baharat kokulu Acem kadn36 lar, kalburst ailelerin ocuklarna adab- muaeret reten Fransz mrebbiyeler, zaman gelince saraya hediye edilmek zere yetitirilmi on parmanda on marifet cariyeler, karn burnunda hamileler, kumpanyalarn paylaamad talyan aktrisler, torunlarnn zoru, gelinlerinin drdryla buraya srklenmi dini btn hac nineler, Pera sosyetesinin olmazsa olmazlar, Tatavla'nn hamarat Rumlar, narin endaml, szgn bakl Rus kadnlar, skse yapm ngiliz dans hocalar, kocalarnn her vurgununda yeni bir elbise daha diktiren tefeci karlan, Beyolu hastanelerinin fedakr hemireleri ve daha niceleri/ gen yal, oluk ocuk, takm taklavat buradayd. Birbirlerini ne dualarnda zikreden, ne de ryalarna buyur eden bunca farkl kadnn, burada, bu zorlu yokuun tepesindeki vine rengi adrn batya bakan ksmnda

though, there was something altered about his going out into the street. He looked at his surroundings. Not as always though, there was something different about the way he looked at his surroundings. His pupils were pincushions. They were covered with holes made by evil eyes and evil words pinched into their halo. Water leaked from some of these holes. This was how he wept. It had been so long since hed walked that he could neither keep his legs from trembling at each step nor determine where he was going. It was as if every direction was the same, as if every passageway led to the same dead end, and every street looked exactly like the other. Life was as hed left it; it was aware neither of how long Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi had been absent nor of the crisis he had passed through. A woman was passing along the street; young and healthy, and a THE GAZE bit flighty. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi planted himself in front of the woman like a thief blocking the way to the fountain. Where are you going like this? Home, said the woman. Gesturing with her hand as if she lived just over there. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi drew himself up very close to the woman. He felt an urge to see the womans lips, and to kiss them, but before hed even finished thinking this, he tasted a sweetness iij his mouth. The walnut man, explained the woman. I made walnut baklava. The sugar stuck to me. Ive become like baklava, sticky and sweet. Soon Ill be as wrinkled as pudding. I didnt want to end up like this. All right, then how would you have like to have been? shouted Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi from behind as the woman walked away from him. Ah! Id like to have been like the sweets in shop windows. Theyre so bright and colourful. She said other things, but she was so far away now that he couldnt understand what she said. Just as she was about to disappear from sight around the corner, she stopped to rub her sprained foot. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi took this opportunity to ask

bulumalarnn tek bir sebebi vard: irkinler irkini, hilkat garibesi, cibilliyet vebali Samur Kz' grebilmek! Her ey, Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'nin bann altndan kmt. Zaten ondan bakas da btn bunlar akl edemezdi. Cin gibi adamd Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi. Acayiplii doutan belliydi. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi, bu leme yle gelmiti: Bir olan douramad takdirde son nefesini gzleri ak vereceine inandndan, bu uurda nice adaklar adayp besili kurbanlarn kann topraa aktan, ka dzine kocakardan medet umup denemedik by brakmayan anac, pepee alt kz dourup, bir o kadar da dk yaptktan sonra, nihayet bir gece ryasnda grd sasz sakalsz derviten rendii zere, bahedeki karadut aacnn en ince dallarna salarndan kestii rkleri balayp, etrafna da mumlardan halka ire halkalar rerek, yalvar yakar kocasn en iteki halkann ortasnda soyunmaya ikna edip, souktan deil utantan tir tir titreyerek, gene de yaptndan dnmeden ve "konu komu grr de rezil rsva oluruz" demeden, orackta, o gecenin afanda gebe kalmt Memi'e. Kadncaz, bebee bir ey olmasn diye deil ev ii yapmak, bir tek p alp surdan uraya koymadan tastamam ettii dokuz ay on gnn sonunda, rzgrn atlar uurduu bir sonbahar akamnda, yank sesiyle ninniler syledii lk rahminden, ebeyi hayrete dren bir sknet ve metanetle kartvermiti Memi'i. Ahdetmiti. Doacak olunun ismi Memi olacakt, tpk ryasnda grd derviinki gibi. Geri dervi ryada ismini balamamt ama kadncaz byle 37 gnlbol bir zata en ok yakan ismin Memi olduundan son derece emindi. Ad stnde, Memi dediin karncay dahi incitmezdi. Zaten Memi bebek de bir "ah" bile dedirtmemiti annesine. Ablalarnn aksine o, hamilelik boyunca annesinin ne durduk yerde gzyalarna boulmasna, ne ismi iitilmemi yemilere a ermesine, ne de sunturlu kbuslar grmesine sebep olmutu. Daha da tuhaf, doumunun

another question. Where can such sweets be found? The woman had bent over while rubbing her ankle, and as she did so the wind teased her. Sometimes the wind came slyly from the front, plastering the womans scarf to her in such way as to show off her body; sometimes it played to the left or right, trying to loosen the womans hair; sometimes whistling from behind to grasp her hips. The woman let herself free for one moment; for one moment she revealed whatever had remained hidden. It all happened in the blink of an eye; it was all a deception of the eye. By the time the womans answer reached its destination, she had long since stepped off on her way. In Pera! To Pera! Pera! ELIF SHAFAK That was when Keramet Mumi Krske Memij Efendi understood that something had happened to the / / . of his country. Had ilic\ i lun^rd dining Im widnlt.iw.il into solitude, or had they been dill W4y (i|| 11, in|| tune/ / K was he who was late to see it? Was life n-dly 4 ii lud I" n when he left it, or had things changed a great I* ! in ln\ ii mi! I Ini In w, is experiencing his crisis at home? In ms i i in In mull istood well on that day when he went out into die mi i mil looked around in a different manner, that there were n \ things happening. Indeed anything new or European was very much in demand. It was clear that the trays of sweet walnut baklava paled in comparison to the deceptive attractions of the colourfully wrapped gelatine sweets. Baklava was served in large portions; sweets are served one by one. Baklava was to be eaten and finished; sweets were to be savoured. Sweets were to be enjoyed alone; baklava was what was served to neighbours and visitors. Sweets were unfamiliar; baklava was known. However you sliced it, baklavas taste and essence was the same; but one understood even from the different coloured wrappers that the sweets were all different from one another. Once a person has become used to the taste of baklava, it becomes dull; when it

acsz olmasyd. Domamt da kayvermiti; kaytlamt da akver-miti adeta. Telasz ve umarsz akvermiti bir kaptan bir baka kaba. Tek istedii kimseyi rahatsz etmeden hemen uraca iliiver-mekmi gibi, zahmetsiz, eziyetsiz kayvermiti ebenin ellerine. Boy boy sralanan alt kzdan sonra ilk erkek ocuk! Kadncaz o kadar emindi ki bu seferki evladnn erkek olduundan, bebek doduunda cinsiyetini sorma gerei bile duymad. Ban yasta gmp, odadaki kesif kokuyu iine ekti. Alk olmad bir koku vard odada; yaknlarda bir yerlerde, tahtakurularm karmak iin iine envai eit aa kabuu konmu bir buhurdan ttyordu sanki. "Tuhaf ey" diye dnd. Bu odada hi tahtakurusu olmadn onlara sylemeliydi. "Uyannca" dedi kendi kendine, "uyannca sylerim." Som bir sevinle tebessm ederken sonuna, usulca kapatt gzlerini ve bir daha da amad. Ebe bir trl gzlerini bebekten ayramad iin, annenin aralarndan ayrldn uzun mddet idrak edemeyecekti. Tedirgin edici bir eyler vard bu mini mini olanda ama ne olduunu bir trl anla-yamyordu. Allaha kr, bebein vcudunda bir sakatlk falan yoktu; alamayna gelince, kk bir aplakla bunu da halletmek mmknd. Baka bir ey vard bu bebekte; baka/ bir/ ey/ Az sonra komu kadnlardan biri ieri dalp, kurban edilen koun kanyla dolu kseyi ebeye uzatt. Ebe okuyup fleyerek kseye daldrd parman tam bebein alnna srecekti ki, ylece kalakald. Nihayet, tedirginliinin sebebini bulmutu: bebein yz! Memi bebein yz adeta saydamd. Az-burnu-ka-gz hem tastamamd, hem de eksik. Azburnu-ka-gz bizzat gelememiti de, yerlerine glgelerini gndermiti sanki. Ebenin kaygs oda-dakilere de sirayet etmi olmal ki, imdi herkes prdikkat eilmi, hi alamayan, hi kprdamayan, kendi saydam durgunluunda ylece durarak ve sadece durarak, yeni tant bu lemi kaytsz bir nazarla selamlayan bebein yzn inceliyordu. nceleyenlerin her biri, hem bu yz meydana getiren

comes to sweets, one is always in pursuit of taste without ever reaching it. One addressed the stomach first; the other the eyes. Keramet Mumi Kegke Memi Efendi didnt care that this was only one woman among many. How many more women would he have to meet in order to have met enough women? How many books did one have to read in order to be wise, how many lands did one have to see in order to be a traveller, how many defeats did one have to suffer in order to become discouraged? How much was too much and how much was too little? Since the mirror had been broken, one was enough for Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi. One could be divided into a thousand; decreasing drastically through famine and drought, one can be multiplied by a thousand and become abundance and plenty. Indeed, he found the number One to be extraordinary, 49 THE GAZE Wherever a person hurts, thats where his heart beats. Keramet Mumi Kegke Memig Efendi pressed his fingers on his eyes. To no avail. It didnt stop. His heart beat in his eyes. And suddenly, the pieces were riveted together. He found a way to unite womens suffering with his own suffering. Because everything was dependant on everything else. His inner thoughts took their proper shape just hke dye poured onto water to make marbled paper. Just as his eyes were the sole reason he had been thought strange since childhood, from now on he would address only the eyes. However much he had lost because of his own eyes, he would gain even more from the eyes of others. And in order to succeed he would observe carefully the winds that were blowing in his country. He wouldnt flee from the winds rage, nor run after it in order to kiss its hands and skirts, nor gather the pieces it had dropped and scattered. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendis intention was to go right up on top of the wind and look into its eyes. Because when the wind blew wildly in a persons face it wove a

paralarda hibir fevkaladelik bulamyor, hem de paralarn meydana getirdii yzn fevkaladeliinden 38 gzlerini alamyordu. Sanki bebein yznn her bir paras geliigzel ortala salmt ama gene de geliigzelliinde bir nizam saklyd. Hal byle olunca da, yznn neye benzedii tam olarak anlalamyor, gzel mi yoksa irkin mi olduuna bir trl karar verilemiyordu. Velhasl bebein yz kafalar o kadar kartrmt ki, uzadka uzayan bu kasvetengiz andan zerre kadar holanmayan ebe aniden ayaklanp, odadaki herkesi kklamasa, kimsenin kundan bandan ayrlaca yoktu. Kundaktaki bebek ve yataktaki lyle babaa kaldnda, ebe lahavle ekip, kendi kendine sylendi: "elbet vardr bu ite de bir keramet!" Bylece, Memi bebein ismine, bir de Keramet eklenmi oldu. Ebeye kalsa, bu meseleyi daha fazla kurcalamaya lzum yoktu. Zaten iin iine keramet girince, tesine kafa yormak manaszd. Ne var ki, bebein halas acar m acar bir kadnd; pek de akll, hem de eli maal. O gn ortada ters giden bir eyler olduunu hemen sezinlemi, ama el ayak ekilmeden dar kmak istemediinden odasnda oturup saatlerce Kur'an okuyarak alamet beklemiti. Nihayet ev sessizletiinde, kucana alp keskin gzleriyle szd kundaktaki bebei. Keramet Memi bebein domaktan ok akt hususunda tekilerle hemfikirdi. Ama bu, yle gececil nehirler gibi yatan hnla oyarak, delimen elaleler gibi grl grl alayarak, srgit denizler gibi efkrla alkalanarak, pejmrde saanaklar gibi ftursuzca boalarak yahut bahar banda eriyen kar sular gibi daha ilk lklkta galeyana gelerek akmaya pek benzemiyordu. Bylesine, akmaktan ziyade, damlamak demek daha doruydu. stelik mesele bu kadarla da kalmyordu. Zira damlamaktan damlamaya fark vard. Su da damlard, kan da; ya da damlard, zaman da; bir de gz ya damlard mesela. Ama her biri farkl farkl damlard. Kimisi buhar olup ge amann hasretiyle kendi kendini kurutur, kimisi dedii yerde hyla durur, hyla

curtain of lime, tar and clay, sticks and twigs, bugs and dusty earth in front of open eyes. The curtain caused so much pain that anyone foolhardy enough to want to look was obliged to close his eyes. For this reason everyone believed that the wind couldnt be seen with the eye. However, Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendis eyes, the very eyes that were the cause of his strangeness and unhappiness, those two narrow slits that had been drawn on his face, that is, the eyes that had never opened, could look at the wind comfortably. When he looked straight into the wind he could read the state of his country and understand the way things were going, and know what to do in order to take advantage of what was going on. With this discovery, the eyes that until now had been a source of suffering would be the source of fulfilment. For the first time since hed deliberately broken the mirror on his wedding night, hed found a reason to live. Wherever a person hurts, thats where his heart beats. Now, Keramet Mumi Keske Memis ELIF SHAFAK Efendis heart beat in his eyes. Now the pain of the loneliness that his eyes had caused him would be relieved by drawing thousands of people around him.The life that his eyes had made distasteful would l>e< (ime sweet I'he eyes that had seen what no one else could see would i ause every glass raised to be filled with an elixir distilled from the (ontagious blindness of the people. For this reason, he would first ascertain the situation of his country, so he could gather those who believed in this situation as if he was picking mushrooms. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi had made his decision. Since the women of the Ottoman State only thought about appearances, he would present them with a world of spectacle. And since the answer to the question he had asked was Pera, then thats where he would do whatever he was going to do. Theatres were already popular, and competition was fierce and heated. To start from nothing and reach your goal took not only time, but

yuulur; kimisi hangi kovua sokulursa sokulsun hemencecik ste kp kurulur, kimisi sonraszlndan kp yola, ncesizliinde son bulur; kimisi de getii patikalarda hatra brakrd elem tortusunu. Keramet Memi bebee gelince, onun damlay bunlardan hibirine benzemiyordu. O, damlad yerde, damlad halde, ylece kalacaa benziyordu; yani, bir su ya da kan, ya veya zaman, yahut gz ya damlasndan ziyade, bir mum damlasna. Hala, hl hi alamayan, hi kprdamayan, sadece ve sadece olduu yerde ve olduu halde duran bebei uzun uzun koklad. Ve be39 bekten yaylan kesif kokunun mum kokusu olduuna kesinkes kanaat getirdiinde, korkuya kapld. Zira mum dediin, scaklk kaynandan uzaklar uzaklamaz, akt yerde kalr ve kald halde katlard. Mum dediin, barndan kt scakla dnemedike, svlaamazd. Oysa Keramet Memi bebei dnyaya getiren scak rahim, oktan soumaya balamt. Yaknda, k kayna annenin vcudu buz gibi souduunda, sv evvela kat, sonra kaskat kesilecekti. Ve bir ey kaskat kesildikten sonra mmkn yok ekil almazd. Oysa bebein yznn ekil almaya ihtiyac vard. Keramet Memi bebein yz ile insanlarn arasnda sanki mumdan bir perde ekilmiti, yar effaf, yar esrar. Kadncaz ite o an anlad ki, akln bana toplayp derhal bir eyler yapmalyd. Madem ki bu acayip bebek domaktan ziyade damlamt bu leme, madem ki tpk bir mum damlas gibi anbean katlayordu dedii yerde ve dt halde; ve madem ki onu tekrar stp avutacak, avutup eritecek scaklk kaynandan tamamen yoksundu, hemen imdi, u anda mdahale edilmezse, bebein yz, effaf kprt-szlnda donakalacakt. Velhasl, elini abuk tutmad takdirde, bir mr boyu Keramet Memi'in yz olmayacakt. Hala hemen bir para fndk kabuu alp, atete kzdrd. Sonra, bebein daha imdiden katlamaya balayan yzne ekil vermeye balad.

effort. But Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi had to see the results of his efforts right away. It was clear that the clothing business was very profitable, but this isnt quite what he meant by establishing a world of spectacle. At one point it had occurred to him to start a circus of a thousand faces that would be a feast for the eyes and painful on the pocket, but he quickly changed his mind. After collecting quite a few ideas, he spent a long, long time thinking them over and then finally made his decision. He would erect an enormous tent. A tent the like of which would be remembered not just for days or for years, but for centuries. A tent that, like a snake swallowing its tail, would begin where it ended. The colour of the tent would be the colour of cherries. In the cherry-coloured tent he would present a world of spectacle to thousands of women. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi, who was born to a woman who paid the ultimate price in order to have THE GAZE .1 little son, who was raised by his six older sisters and crossed the border that separates the two sexes; who for a long time had found himself observing how each of his elder sisters managed her own husband, and thought that there was no coincidence in how these methods of management resembled each other, and that there were rules that all women knew but never mentioned, and understanding that he had been brought up according to the same rules, and could never forget the morning of his wedding night and having since birth possessed extraordinary intelligence, clearly had little trouble envisioning this world of spectacle he would present to the eyes of women. He was aware that women were deeply pleased to see women uglier than themselves. He was going to show them what they wanted to see. In the cherrycoloured tent he wasnt going to display ugly women, or the ugliest women, but ugliness itself. There was one only reason these various women, who did not mention each other in their prayers and who did not let each other exist in their dreams, struggled up the hill

Fndk kabuunun karasyla az burun, ka kirpik, ene aln, yanak akak izdi. Sra gzlere geldiinde, yataktaki l artk buz kesmek zereydi. Yani, mum damlas bebein tamamen katlamasna ramak kalmt. Bu andan sonra katiyyen ekil almaz, maya tutmazd. O kadar azd ki vakit, telatan eli ayana dolanan hala, son bir gayretle atlp, iki incecik ve kesik kesik izgi iziktirdi gz niyetine. Bebein gzleriyle daha fazla uramaya vakit kalmamt. O gn, halasnn fndk kabuuyla izdii izgilerden geriye sadece bir yz deil, bir de isim kald bebee: "Mum!" Ardndan Keramet Mum Memi'i babasna gsterdiler. Adamcaz seneler sonra nihayet bir olu olduunu renince yle sevindi, yle sevindi ki, yedi mahallede tekmil fakir fukarann karnn doyurmaya, ebe teknesinden beri su yz grmemi kim varsa hamama sokup bitlerinden arndrmaya and iti. Ama daha lafn bitiremeden, aulu bir yumru oturdu boazna. Bir uursuzluk hissetmiti. Kanadn kedi penesine kaptrm serenin korkun korkusuyla, yrecii aznda koturdu karsnn yatt odaya. Gzlerini amaya cesaret edemiyordu. Karanlkta el yordamyla buldu artk tamamen buz kes40 mi vcudu. Karsnn her daim ceviz ve tarn ve karayel kokan salarna gmd burnunu. Ama imdi btn bunlara baka bir koku eklenmiti sanki. Sanki/ mum kokuyordu ortalk. Keramet Mum Memi bebei annesinin yanna yatrd. Odadan karken, bir kez olsun dnp de bakmad; ne anneye, ne bebee. kisini birlikte, yan yana gmmt zihninde. Kap ardndan kapanrken, kendi kendine bir eyler geveledi; belki de veda niyetine. "Keke!" dedi "keke yaasayd da, gene kz doursayd." Keramet Mum Keke Memi ite byle gelmiti bu leme. Gerisi zamana kalmt. leride, kalbn byttnde, bir de Efendi eklenecekti mevcut isimlere. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi cin gibi adamd. Kafasnn iinde her akam ayr bir blis tayfas sazl szl cmb yapard. Kimsenin cesaret edemedii dallara o trmanr, aklna koyduunu tez zamanda kotarr, kotardndan

to meet at the westwatd-facing gate of the cherry-coloured tent: SableGirl! The women had come here to see her, the ugliest of the ugly, the strangest of creatures, the despicable, plague-ridden SableGirl. In order to understand what the Sable-Girl was seeking in Pera, in a cherry-coloured tent that had been pitched on the top of a hill, while the Ottoman Empire was Westernising with the panic of a boy whod stolen an apple from a neighbours garden and hadnt the courage to look back, its necessary to go back some way. Back past all of the glazed secrets. Its necessary to travel in time and space. Not that far back; about two centuries earlier. Not that far away either; to the lands of Siberia. Because it is two centuries ago ELIF SHAFAK in Siberia that the story of the ugliest of the ugly, the strangest of creatures, the despicable, plague-ridden Sable-Girl begins. But to tell the truth it is possible to skip this part altogether. Its possible not to write it; and not to read it. You can jump ahead to the next one without tarrying here, the next number, that is. In any event they may not even have lived what happened. No matter how ugly she was, she might not have become a spectacle, and had the right not to be seen, and keep herself distant from curious eyes. Indeed she wouldnt have been so ugly if she hadnt been seen. (Anyway, if we re going to see what we could have passed over without looking at, we have to go to the Siberia of 1648 now.) Siberia-1648 God was above, and the Czar was far away. The witches were wandering about. The witches were blowing the mouldy poison they hid under their knotted tongues onto the hops. As the villagers fell one after another, the acrid stench of death c ould be smelled for miles. Wet snow blessed the rows of corpses lying in the ditches who had opened their mouths hungrily. Indeed it had been going on for a long time. Czar Alexis had forbidden the sale of hops. But the

abucak sklrd. Yeter ki istesin, sinekten ya karr, felei kendi emberinde kstrrd. Sonra da bare felei kendi emberinde ylece brakp, mnafk kuytularda zndk tutkulara kaplrd. Ad km, nam yrm izbe evlere sk sk dadand herkesin malmuydu. Sylediklerine gre, bu evlerin mdavimlerinin ve de sermayelerinin hikyelerini dinlemeye baylyor; dinledii her hikyenin, tatt her zevkin karlnda il il altnlar sayordu. Bir de ara sra ava kard. Avlanmaktan maksad, yle elinde yayla doludizgin at koturmak olmadndan, btn gnn binbir emekle hazrlad tuzaklar ince ince ayarlayp asla fark edilmeyecek kuytulara yerletirmekle geirir; ama gnn sonunda geri dnp de tuzaa drdklerini toplamaya endiinden, avdan hep eli bo dnerdi. stese, Karun kadar zengin, Sleyman kadar muktedir olmutu oktan. Olmutu olmasna da, aklna esmeyegrsn, elinde avucunda-kini sebil edip datr, be kurusuz ortada kalrd. Sonra, gene do-rulturdu belini. Yeter ki istesin, kargay blbl, merkebi dldl diye pazarlar; eytana pabucunu ters giydirip, yedi mahalleyi seyrine toplard. Hem insanlar artmaya baylr; hem de almayacak ilere ardklan iin onlardan sourdu. Ne var ki, maharetleri yahut zeks deildi Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'yi bylesine acayip klan, gzleriydi. ocukken de byleydi gzleri. Hep byleydi. Ne hissettiini elevermezdi. Belki de bir ey hissetmezdi. 41 ocukluu da byle gemiti. Bir yanda ablalar vard. Srf o sklmasn diye her yeni gn, oynayacak yeni bir oyun bulan; giden annenin scakln aratmasn diye ahap evin her kesinde yaz k, gece gndz boy boy kandiller yakan; ocuun cezal olduu akamlarda gizlice odasnda toplap, kurduklar perdede sabahlara kadar hayl oynatan; en gzel masallar toplayabilmek iin ehrin drt bir kesine dalp, kap kap dolaan ve hatta bu uurda eyizlerinin en gzde

witches had to find another way to spread the poison they kept under their knotted tongues.There had to be .mother way, this deluge didnt ebb, this massacre didnt end. The plague was rampaging through Russia. The year 1648 was as famous for the plague as it was for its evil ' msequences. That year, the Voyvod of Belgorod found himself utered by Czar Alexis to capture the witches immediately. He iuu kly rounded up the known witches in the area. Fires were lit ii the square, and they smoked for days, and the soot was somehow mpossible to wipe away. They caught fire, and so did their poison. 1 linr rotten breath became mixed with the air. The air became ivier; as if it was going to vomit murky and leaden. It enveloped rything. It was not the witches who were spreading the poison, pite the hundreds who were so hastily captured, but the air itself, lui'h could not be grasped, and therefore could not be captured, isc who still managed to stay alive faced one of two possible it Its. Those who didnt catch the plague were burned as witches; who werent burned as witches had the plague. I III1 \M At* AK 1 !* *11 w *|>rrjil poison,hut it wasnt possible to see it spread. I In tu wit *ii iiivi il >lc pl.u r. It was at the same time boundless and >.o>tl < ii .1. to In ionsumed in a single breath; at the same time ii i i. ni.I 11;',lit under ones nose.Take care not to breathe! said li' guardians of the Czar. The villagers were obedient. By no means did they breathe when they were outside. They worked away all day, picking edible plants, draining the pus from the corpses, sitting on the graves, sweeping up the witches ashes, and then, giving the day to the care of the night, closed themselves into their houses. It was then that they drank in the air as desperately as the lungs of the victims of accidents at sea, urgent and pitilessly longing for air, deep under the sea and struck with the terror of not being able to get out, as they rush to the embrace of the surface of the sea. The sickness was spreading

ksmlarn datmaktan geri durmayan; ilerinden biri daha evvel hi duyulmam, hi anlatlmam bir masalla dnmeyegrsn, kskanlktan yataklara den; birer birer evlenip olua ocua kartktan sonra bile, kocalarnn dayaklarna, evlatlarnn sitemlerine ramen en kk kardelerini herkesten ve her eyden ok sevmeye devam eden ablalar/ Beri yanda babas vard. Akamlan hava karardnda olunu karsnda grmekten holanmadn saklamayan; son nefesine kadar karsnn ld yatakta yatp, bir daha hibir kadna el srmeyen; baz geceler aniden ayaa frlayp, bara ara evdeki btn kandilleri ktr ktr dorayan; kzlarnn bu kk olana gsterdikleri alakaya her daim muhalefet eden; durduk yerde hiddetlenip, kzlck sopasn karan; ertesi gn kendine gelir gelmez ilk ii biricik olunu sormak olan; ocuun moranp rm etlerini grnce pimanlktan kahrolup ondan af dileyen; ama aradan birka gn bile gemeden daha beter hiddetlenip, daha beter dven; hi durmadan iip, hi durmadan kfreden; elinden hibir i gelmeyen babas/ ocukluu ite bu ztlklar arasnda yalpalamakla gemiti. Bir yanda ablalarnn daimi sevgisi, te yanda babasnn geici hiddeti. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'nin acayiplii ite ta o zamandan belliydi. Zira ister el stnde tutulup, batac edilsin, ister horlanp eziyet grsn; ister yedii nnde yemedii ardnda olsun, ister kuru ekmekle suya talim etsin; ister sevilsin, ister dvlsn, en ufak bir deiiklik olmazd baklarnda. Bir kez olsun ne hissettiini ele vermezdi gzleri. ki kesik, iki incecik izgi halinde izilmi ekik gzleri, sanki her trl duygudan azadeydi. ocukken de byleydi, bydnde de. Gn geldi, alt ablasnn altsnn da mnasip grd bir ksmet bulundu. Evlenip, ksmetini karsnda grdnde bile, gzleri her zamanki gibi, her zamanki kadar dilsizdi. te o zaman, dnmesi zor bir dnemece vard. Gerdek gecesinde, yzn gsteren aynay krd. Ve daha nce hi bakmad

rapidly. The young Czars chief preacher was from the Defenders of the Faith. Your Highness, its time to grant them permission so they can come, he said one day. Indeed the Czar had been on the point of thinking this for some time. Yes, he said, nodding his head thoughtfully. I grant permission. Let them come. They came. They came in order to root out the renegades within their ranks and put an end to dissent in the Russian Church, to purify great Russia and to standardise religious rituals, and to fan the spiritual torments of the ignorant peasants and wipe out idolatrous practices once and for all. As their numbers increased, so too did the number of those who were proclaimed to be enemies; as the number of their enemies increased, so too did the number of their victims. Because 1648 was as famous for the plague as it was for its evil consequences. That year the Salt Revolution broke out. It was during the first days of June. A mob that somehow couldnt reach the Czar took revenge by burning down the boyars houses, looting their possessions and attacking their wives.The fire started on the third ofJune.The flames spread quickly, and the grumbling crowd besieged the Kremlin. THE GAZE * >ne of the rebels stripped naked, climbed on the shoulders of his ( oinrades, and shouted as loud as he could: Im so hungry that to make room for what I could eat in just (>ue sitting I would have to build a road from here to Siberia. Siberia wasnt concerned about these events. Hed been deaf since birth anyway, and couldnt hear anything that wasnt aimed directly at his eardrum. He was aware neither that God was above nor that the Czar was far away. He was doing his own thing, playing his own game with loaded dice of mammoth ivory. The story of the Sable-Girl was rooted there; in Siberia in the first half of the 17th century. Siberia wasnt concerned about these events, but for some time many people had been concerned about Siberia. Beketov, who with

gibi, hi bakmad kadar kendine bakt. 42 Krk yamal tek iplikli aman kisvesi gibiydi ayna krklarndaki aksi plii ekince dalacakt, daldnda bile bir aradayd. Geliigzel salmt, geliigzelliinde bir nizam vard. Sonsuzdu zaman, snrszd mekn yleyse bu kalpta niin skp kalmt? Makas ald ve smiyle mhrlenmi hikyeyi krpt; krpklar zamanlara ve meknlara sat. Bir baka zamanda, ok ok sonra ya da pek yaknda, Ve bir baka meknda, ok ok uzakta ya da hemen burada Bir daha dnmek zere bu dnyaya hemen imdi yok olmalyd. Yok olmak istedii halde hl buralarda, bu kalpta oyalandn grdke birbirinden kt gnler geirdi. Delikak bir kahkaha misali paramparayd. Ama yaad. Ve nice sonra, bir sabah alacasnda yeniden kt sokaklara. Eskisi gibi deil ama, bir bakalk vard sokaa knda. Etrafa baknd. Her zamanki gibi deil ama, bir bakalk vard etrafa bakmnda. Bir ine yastyd gzbebekleri. Ik emberine batan kem gzlerden, bed szlerden delik deikti. Baz baz deliklerden su szyordu. O da byle alyordu. O kadar uzun zaman olmutu ki yrmeydi, ne bacaklarnn her admda titremesine mani olabiliyor, ne de gidecei yn tayin edebiliyordu. Her yn birdi sanki; her geit ayn kmaza alyor, her sokak tpatp tekine benziyordu. Galiba brakt gibiydi hayat; Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'nin ne bunca zamandr ortalkta olmadndan haberdard, ne de geirdii buhrandan. Bir kadn geiyordu sokaktan; gen ve din, biraz da hoppa. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi, su ban kesmi harami gibi dikildi kadnn karsna. 43 "Nereye byle?" "Evime," dedi kadn. Sanki evi hemen oracktaym gibi, eliyle iki adm tesini iaret ederek. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi iyice yaklat kadna. Dudaklarn grmek, grdn pmek geti iinden ama daha bunu dnr dnmez, ekerriz bir tad doldu azna. "Cevizii," diye aklad kadn. "Cevizli baklava amtm. erbeti yapt kald zerimde.

his thirty Cossacks had founded the city ofYakutsk, wrote a report to the Czar: Your Highness. After following the length of the Lena river, I reached the lands ofYakut, where I built a small tower and took the necessary defensive precautions/ I have shed my blood and stained my soul for you, I have eaten horse meat and roots and pine cones and all manner of filth. Your humble servant. This is what he wrote in his report. This is how he and others gained their enormous wealth. From the summits of the daily growing mountains of furs, they cursed poverty and challenged nature. They didnt care about anything except fur. The furs were so soft/ Soft and warm, furry and bloody sacks of gold. The conquerors of Siberia accepted all kinds of fur. They were mostly after squirrel, fox and ermine; but especially sable.The hunters made huge fortunes from this small, nervous animal. Every day, sledges full of dead sables were piled up in the Yakutsk customs house. Every day, hundreds of sable furs were given a value of thousands of gold coins. Those who had arrived at the beginning of the season had long since filled their money bags. Nor did one often meet any who ELIF SHAFAK had decided theyd made enough and that it was time to go back. These hunters couldnt get their fill. More furs, more protection money, more power/ Siberia had more, and they wanted more. In wide squat cabins built of huge tree trunks and with transparent fish skin stretched across the windows, the hunters waited months for the coming of spring, and the melting of the snow. The beds next to the brick stove belonged to the strongest. The strongest were the crudest. The rest warmed their beds with prostitutes. But if they continued to feel cold anyway, they would secretly take the dreams being dreamt by those next to the stove, and cover themselves in their warmth. Those whose dreams were stolen would wake up shivering, listen to the snores, mutters, moans and gnashing that broke the silence of the night, and wait for their eyes to grow

Baklavaya benzedim zaar; yap yap. Glla gibi olacam yaknda; kn kr. Hi istemezdim byle olmay-" "Peki nasl olmak isterdin?" diye uzaklaan kadnn arkasndan bard Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi. "Ah! Vitrindeki bonbonlar gibi olmak isterdim. Onlar rengrenk ve cvl cvl." Baka eyler de syledi ama o kadar uzaklamt ki, artk ne dedii anlalmyordu. Tam keyi dnp gzden kaybolacakt ki, burkulan ayan outurmak iin durdu. te o zaman, Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi son bir soru sorma frsat buldu. "Peki nerede var byle bonbonlar?" Kadn eilmi bileini ovarken, rzgr da muzipe oynayordu. Rzgr kh sinsice nden yaklap, kadnn arafn zerine smsk yaptrarak, vcudunun hatlarn ortaya karyor; kh bir saa bir sola savrularak, salarn amaya alyor; kh uultuyla arkadan esip, kalalarn avuluyordu. Bir an iin kendini koy vermiti kadn; bir an iin grnr klnmt sakl kalan ne varsa. Hepsi hepsi gz ap kapayncaya kadard; bir gz aldatmacasyd topu topu. Kadnn verdii cevap yerine ulatnda, o oktan srra kadem basmt. "Pera'da!Pera'ya!Pera!" tte o zaman Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi anlad ki, memleketin kadnlarna bir haller olmutu. Acaba o inzivadayken mi deiivermiti kadnlar; yoksa nicedir bylelerdi de, o mu ge kalmt grlecei grmekte? Acaba hakikaten brakt gibi miydi hayat; yoksa o evinde buhran geirirken, ok eyler mi deimiti memlekette? Her halkrda, sokaa bir baka kp, etrafa bir baka bakndi- o gn gayet iyi anlamt ki, bundan byle, eski detlerin pabucu damlarda aranmalyd. Artk revatayd yeni ve Avrupai olan ne varsa. Belli ki snk kalyordu cevizli erbetli baklava tepsileri, bonbonlar sarp sarmalayan rengrenk jelatinlerin rtkan cazibesiyle k44 yaslandnda. Gani ganiydi baklava; bonbonlarsa tadmlk. Yiyip bitirmek iindi baklava; bonbonlarsa seyirlik. Tek bana bir keyifti bonbonlar; baklavaysa konu komuya ikramlk. Bilinmeyendi bonbonlar; baklavaysa

accustomed to the darkness. But no matter how carefully he looked, he couldnt determine who the thief was. In any event, everyone here was more or less a thief. Rancour spread insidiously like a disease, and because revenge waited like an animal in ambush for the right moment to strike, the gambling around the stove every evening would be the cause of vicious fights. Sometimes the fights would subside by themselves. Then, the game would be resumed where it had been left off. Because for the hunters a broken arm or a broken leg was worse than death. Sometimes, too, even the simplest argument could end in murder. But even so, the friends of the murdered man wouldnt make too much of a fuss, because they preferred not to risk being crippled. In any event, everyone here was more or less a murderer. The smell in these cabins was so heavy that it even covered those who were sleeping here for only one night. Even from the first days, the fur trappers who spent their nights in these cabins began to stare in the same way, at the same vanishing point. Far away, farther away than could be seen, the snow would be melting drop by drop. By the time the roads were clear, theyd long since finished making their preparations. The hunters would set out with the intense THE GAZE impatience that follows months of waiting; they would gather the tax the natives within the borders had to pay the Czar, and gifts for themselves. Natives who had never seen the Czars face or heard his name had to pay him a tax and had to give gifts to the hunters whose faces they didnt like and whose names they couldnt learn. If they didnt, they faced heavy punishment. The fur hunters decided how far they would venture into the interior of Siberia. In fact all of the hunters had come here with the intention of getting rich as quickly as possible and then going back. But now, with lands to be conquered lying naked and defenceless before them, they didnt feel like going back to the cities of Russia where it was much more difficult to make a living.

tandk. Tepsinin neresinden kesilirse kesilsin, hep ayn kalrd baklavann kalb ve tad; oysa bonbonlarn birbirlerinden farkl olduklar, sarndklar ktlarn rengine bakar bakmaz anlalrd. Baklava, bir kez yapnca insann stnde kalan, tad yavan oland; bonbona gelince, o her daim peinden koulan, bir trl tadna varlamayand. Biri mideye hitap ediyordu ncelikle; teki ise gze. Tek bir kadn, bir tek kadndr demedi Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi. Daha ka kadn tanmalyd ki, yeterince kadn tanm olmak iin? Ka kitap okuyunca lim, ka diyar grnce gezgin, ka hezimetten sonra bezgin olurdu insan? Ka olunca ok, kata kalnca azd rakamlar? Madem ki krlmt ayna, bir yeterdi Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'ye. Biri bine bler; ktlkta kuraklkta ek-silte eksilte, bollukta berekette oalta oalta arpard bini birle. Zaten o, rakamlardan Bir'i fevkalade bulurdu. nsann can neresinden acrsa, kalbi orada atard. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi parmaklarn gzlerine bastrd. Faydaszd. Durmuyordu. Kalbi gzlerinde atyordu. Ve birden, perinlendi paralar. Kendi derdiyle, kadnn derdini birletirmenin yolunu bulmutu. nk her ey her eyle balantlyd. Suda dalveren ebru misali kendi iine doru ekil ald dnceleri. Madem ki kklnden beri bu kadar acayip olmasnn yegne sebebi gzleriydi, o da bundan byle srf gzlere hitap edecekti. Ne kaybettiyse kendi gzlerinin yznden, fazlasn devirecekti bakalarnn gzlerinden. Ve bunu baarabilmek iin, memlekette esen rzgrn ynn kollayacakt. Ne gazabndan kaacakt rzgrn, ne el etek pmek iin arkasndan koacak, ne de dkp satklarn toplayacakt. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'nin niyeti, dosdoru rzgrn zerine gidip, gzlerinin iine bakmakt. / nk rzgr, ne vakit deli deli esse insann yzne yzne, kire, katran ve balktan; al rp, brt bcek ve toz topraktan bir perde rlrd ak gzlere.

Every time they unloaded their sleds at the customs house and filled their money-bags, they turned around and dove once more into the whiteness, the solitude, the boundlessness.When there were fewer places left to discover, the yet undiscovered places increased steadily in value. Now everyone was coveting north-east Siberia. They said it was a paradise; a paradise of furs for the ambitious sons of poor mothers who had gone out into the world without ever having been wrapped in a fur. By 1630 the Cossacks had already set sail on the dark waters, having decided the north-east of Siberia could be reached by sea. Their so-called boats were made of oak branches strapped together; they used no tar or nails. The sails were made of deer skin, and without a wind behind them they couldnt continue their journey. The constandy shifting icebergs cut the leather straps and smashed the boats to pieces.The crew were constantly suffering from hunger, filth, and attacks of scurvy. Those who died were buried with their dreams, and the rest continued to nurture their dreams. The sailors used to tell a variety of stories about Siberia. About ice formations that from afar resembled swords, glittering brightly as one approached, and about strange plants that were invisible when you were right next to them; plants that fed on the songs of insects, and that swallowed themselves when they couldnt find the ELIF SHAFAK voice of an insect to suck. Motherof-pearl mermaids who called out the name of each sailor s mother from the tops of icebergs, the wonderful play of lights when icefloes bade farewell to each other as they broke up, eye-fish who watched the world from beneath the icebergs, and whose presence was never felt if they werent trapped, repulsive reptiles who climbed onto the ship and gnawed at the noses of the sailors. Primitive natives whose heads looked as if they might roll off at any moment because they had no necks, and whose sex was impossible to distinguish/ There was a man in one of the ships sailing to north-east Siberia. His

ylesine actrd ki perde, ona bakmaya yeltenen, gzlerini kapatmaya mecbur kalrd. Bu sebeptendir ki her- > kes, rzgrn gzle grlmez olduuna inanrdj/Oysa Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'nin gzleri, yani acayipliinin ve mutsuzluu- J nun sebebi olan gzleri, yani iki kesik, iki incecik izgi halinde ekil45 mi gzleri, yani zaten hibir zaman almam olan gzleri, rahatlkla rzgra bakabilirdi. Rzgra dosdoru baktnda memleketin ahvalini seyran edip, gidiatn zebilir ve bu gidiattan sebeplenmek iin ne yapmas lazm geldiini kefedebilirdi. Bu keiften hareketle, imdiye dein sadece mihnetini ektii gzlerinin, imdiden sonra semeresini grebilirdi. Bile isteye aynay krd gerdek gecesinden bu yana, yaamak iin bir sebep bulmutu ilk defa. nsann can neresinden acrsa, kalbi orada atard. imdiye dein Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'nin kalbi gzlerinde atmt. Ve imdi gzleri yznden ektii yalnzln acsn, binlerce insan etrafna toplayarak kartacakt. Gzlerinin yznden zehrolan hayatn, gzlerinin sayesinde ballandracakt. Bakalarnn gremediklerini grdke gzleri, baarmann erefine kaldraca her kadehi, insanlarn bulac krlnn karanlk iksirinden damtacakti. Bu amala, evvela memleketin gidiatn kollayp; mantar toplar gibi toplayacakt gidiata kr krne inananlar. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi kararn vermiti. Madem ki artk neyin nasl grndndeydi memalik-i Osmaniye kadnlarnn akl fikri, o da bundan byle, bin kadna bir seyirlik dnya sunacakt. Ve madem ki sorduu sualin cevabyd Pera, o da her ne yapacaksa orada yapacakt. Tiyatrolarda pnann ba oktan tutulmu, rekabet adamakll kzmt. Sfrdan yola kp da bir yerlere varabilmek hem zaman isterdi, hem zahmet. Oysa Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi yapt iin neticesini hemen grmeliydi. Klk kyafet iinde belli ki ok para vard ama seyirlik bir dnya kurmaktan kastettii tam olarak bu deildi. Bir ara, gze ziyafet,

name was Timofei Ankidinov. He was a sable trapper, like hundreds of others. He wouldnt listen to the stories the sailors told. He only cared about one legend: Pogicha! The legendary Pogicha River was beautiful enough to believe in and more beautiful when believed in. It would smile delicately after a fog like the fading face of a lost lover. It was always far away, eternally far away. As one approached it, it drew further away. Those who arrived in northeast Siberia, scattering sable carcasses that wouldnt fit into their sleds behind them was they went, swore that they wouldnt return until theyd heard the roar of the Pogicha River. And perhaps once they arrived, they wouldnt want to return. There had to be thousands of sable wandering the banks of the Pogicha River, with their coal-black eyes and their coal-black enchantment. There were paths lined with walrus tusks leading to hollows full of emeralds. The waters of the Pogicha were quite warm, in places to the point of boiling. The waters of the Pogicha were restorative, and it was enough to bathe in them once to cure all wounds. After flowing warmly and gently, the waters emptied into a placid lake. The lake glittered brightly from a distance, and its bed was full of enormous pearls.The shadow of a mountain that seemed far by day and near by night was constantly on the surface of the lake. From THE GAZE time to time, silver boulders rolled off the mountain. When two silver boulders collided, it would rain on the lake. The drops would leave phosphorous stains behind them. Isolated from the rest of the world, the rain would write aimless poems on the Pogicha. Timofei Ankidinov sincerely believed everything that was told about the Pogicha. He didnt simply believe that the Pogicha existed; he believed it existed for him alone, and was waiting for him. Timofei Ankidinov was a sable trapper, like hundreds of others. He believed that, as his life had been so bland, and as his face was of a type that was so average and left so little trace on the memory,

keseye eziyet, binbir surat bir sirk kurmak geldi aklna ama bundan da abucak vazgeti. Epeyce dolanp fikir dantktan, uzun uzun dnp tandktan sonra nihayet tercihini yapt. Devs bir adr kuracakt. yle bir adr ki, deil gnlerce, deil senelerce, asrlarca unutulmayacakt. yle bir adr ki, kuyruunu yutan bir ylan gibi balangcnda sonlanp, sonunda balayacak; gzlerden kp yola, gene gzlere varacakt. adrn rengi, vine rengi olacakt. Vine rengi adrda, seyirlik bir dnya sunacakt binlerce kadna. Minicik bir olan var edebilmenin bedelini devs yokluuyla deyen kadndan dnyaya gelen, alt ablann elinde byyen ve u 46 hayatta evvela, iki cinsi birbirinden ayran hudut boyunu arnlayan; ablalarndan her birinin kendi kocasn nasl idare ettiini epeyce gzlemlemi bulunan, bu idare etme biimlerinin benzerliinin hi de tesadfi olmadn, ortada btn kadnlarn bildii ama asla sze dkmedii kurallar bulunduunu ve yle bir dndnde, aslnda ayn kurallar uyarnca yetitirildiini anlayan, gerdek gecesinin sabahn aklndan kartamayan ve zaten doutan Allah vergisi bir zekya sahip olan Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi, kadn gzne hitap edecek bu seyirlik dnyay tasarlarken pek de zorlanmad akas. Kadnlarn, kendilerinden daha irkin kadnlar grmekten iten ie pek holandklarnn farkndayd. O halde, o da onlara, grmek istediklerini gsterecekti. Vine rengi adrn seyirlik dnyasnda, irkinler ya da en irkinler deil, irkinliin ta kendisi tehir edilecekti. Birbirlerini ne dualarnda zikreden, ne de ryalarna buyur eden bunca farkl kadnn, akam ezanndan sonra bu zorlu yokuun tepesindeki vine rengi adnn batya bakan ksmnda toplanmalarnn sebebi birdi: Samur-Kz! Kadnlar buraya bilhassa onu, irkinler irkini, hilkat garibesi, cibilliyet vebali SamurKz' grmeye gelmilerdi. Memaliki Osmaniye, komunun bahesinden elma arm bir ocuun telayla

and as since birth he had had to wear himself out simply to be noticed by others; of everyone on the face of the earth, of every member of the human race, no one had more right than he did to see the Pogicha. He was so caught up in the legend that he referred to the Pogicha as my elegant lady, and whenever anyone else mentioned the name, and he saw that they were nursing dreams about it, he went mad with anger. The legend was promised to him and to him alone. Indeed it was for this reason that even when the ship in which he had travelled for weeks was sinking into the dark waters he knew he wouldnt die. He was so sure he wouldnt die before he found the Pogicha that he didnt even struggle to swim to the shore. He was waiting for a magical hand to reach out from among the ice floes and pull him out.When he finally reached the shore, he encountered one of the sailors from the ship. The two men, as a consequence of having emerged unscathed from a terrible accident, embraced each other and kissed each others cheeks with shame and delight and turned to look at the sea with surprise; where not long before a black whirlpool had been sucking down the wreckage, white bubbles were now being thrown up with the remains of the wreckage. Meanwhile, blood from the wound on the sailors head was filling his eyes, and lumps of black, clotted blood were forming in his hair. Nevertheless, the sailor didnt seem to be in a state to feel pain. With a sweet smile on his face, he was looking at the sea. A wave with a mischievous heart, a pale countenance and a lisping tongue ELIF SHAFAK was walking right up behind him. Under the wave, hundreds of hollows and thousands of depths had entered it and were increasing with passion; thats why its heart was mischievous. Within the wave, hundreds of sables had joined hands with thousands of shadows; thats why its countenance was pale. On top of the wave, hundreds of voices and thousands of echoes were screaming to the point of choking; thats why it lisped. The wave was washing gently over his toes,

arkasna bakmaya cesaret edemeden Batllarken, Pe-ra'da, bir yokuun tepesinde kurulan vine rengi adrda Samur-Kz'n ne aradn anlayabilmek iin biraz gerilere uzanmak lazm imdi. Geriye, yani btn srlar srlayan gemie. Zamanda ve meknda yola koyulmak lazm imdi. yle fazla geriye deil: yaklak iki asr ncesine. yle fazla uzaa da deil: Sibirya topraklarna. nk bundan iki asr nce, Sibirya'da balad irkinler irkini, hilkat garibesi, cibilliyet vebali SamurKz'n hikyesi. (Ama iin dorusu, bu ksm tamamen atlamak mmkn. Yazmadan gemek de mmkn; okumadan gemek de. Hi oyalanmadan buralarda, rahatlkla sranabilir bir sonrasna, yani bir sonraki rakama. Ne de olsa hi yaanmayabilirdi olanlar. Ne denli irkin olursa olsun seyirlik olan, hakk vard grlmemeye, gzden rak kalmaya. Hem, gzden rak kalabilseydi eer, bu kadar irkin olmazd zaten.) (Yok eer illa da greceksek grmeden geebileceklerimizi, 1648 Sibiryasna gitmek gerekecek imdi.) 47 SBRYA-1648 Tann yukarlarda, ar uzaklardayd. Cadlar dolayordu ortalkta. Cadlar, dmlenmi dillerinin altnda sakladklar kflenmi zehiri flyordu erbetiotlarna. Sapr sapr dkldke kyller, fersah fersah teden duyuluyordu lmn genzi yakan kokusu. Kar lapa lapa kutsuyordu, itahla azn aan ukurlarda lime lime ayrlan cesetleri. Geri uzun zaman olmutu, ar Aleksis erbetiotu satlarn yasaklayal. Ama cadlar gene de bir yolunu bulmu olmalyd, dmlenmi dillerinin altnda sakladklar kflenmi zehiri ortala samann. Bir yol daha olmalyd ki, dinmiyordu bu tufan, bitmiyordu bu kym. Veba kolgeziyordu Rusya'da. 1648 senesi, vebasyla olduu kadar, vebaliyle mehurdu. O sene ar Aleksis, cadlarn derhal yakalanmalar iin Belgorod voyvodasna ihtarda bulundu. Tez zamanda onlarca tandk cad yakaland civarda. Duman gnlerce tten, isi bir trl silinmeyen ateler yakld meydanlarda. Zehirleriyle birlikte alev aldlar. Havaya kart rk nefesleri. Arlat hava; kustu

sweetly tickling whatever it touched. Timofei Ankidinov was aware that his friend was about to freeze. Because freezing was that kind of thing. A death that didnt end. Not the kind whose progress is punctuated, nor the kind that one can come to prepared; neither an end to life nor the beginning of another time/ only, but only a flowing away into the distance, from here into the distance/ because freezing was that kind of thing; that is, to flow, that is not to stop while flowing, that is to flow as far as being unable to stop. Without threshold, without stages, without inconvenience. And because it was fluid in this way, it was the only death that drew a persons blood without injuring them. It would spread a warm feeling of consolation concerning lifes final puzzle with its icy palms. On top of this, it believed what was believed about it. Freezing was a death that was fundamentally denial, and rebelled against its own existence. It whispered softly into its victims ear. With delight it would tell stories that were woven from lies. Then, it would suddenly fall quiet, and try to leave with its story only half told. The victim would hurriedly embrace the warm consolation spread by the icy palms; he would not give it permission to leave. Freezing was the only death that asked its victims consent. Freezing was the only death that made one smile as it killed. The sailor was smiling peacefully. Timofei Ankidinov was watching him anxiously. THE GAZE While this was happening on the shore, a little further away, in an overturned basket, a beardless youth was facing the most difficult test of his life. The beardless youth was attached to a native tribe, and had been waiting in the basket for all of three days. For all of three days he had been combing this blind darkness. He would not have said that he missed the light. Just as a person would not want to eat something new in order not to lose the taste of something he had

kusacakt sanki, bulank, kurun. Her ey sarpa sarmt. nk artk ortala lmcl zehrini saan, yzlerce olmalarna ramen kolayca tespit edilip derhal yaklan cadlar deil, tek olmasna ramen bir trl ele geirilemeyen ve zaten bir trl tutumayan havayd. Hl hayatta kalabilenler, iki lmden birine adamt varlklarn. Vebaya yakalanmayanlar cadyd; cadlktan yaklmayanlar vebal. Hava zehir sayordu samasna da onu grmek mmkn deil-, di. Hava denilen bir grlmez meknd. Hem usuz bucakszd, hem i de bir solukta tketilecek kadar ksa; hem ok uzaktayd, hem de insann burnunun ucunda. "Sakn solumayn!" diyordu arn muhafzlar, itaatkrd kyller. Dardayken katiyen solumuyorlard havay. Btn gn harl harl alp, piirecek ot ayklyor, cesetlerin irinlerini aktyor, mezarlarn stn rtyor, cadlarn kllerini spryor; sonra da gndz geceye emanet edip, evlerine kapanyorlard. te o zaman, denizin derinliklerinden hi kamamann dehetinde mhlanm bir kazazedenin cierleri nasl korkun bir tela ve kyc bir hasretle kucaklarsa suyun yzn, aynen yle ap azlarn, kana kana iiyorlard havay. Btn gece uzun uzun, kesik kesik, gizli gizli soluyorlard. Hastalk hzla yaylyordu. 48 Gen arn ba vaizi, mann Savunucular'ndand. "Efendim, artk msaade edin gelsinler," dedi bir gn. ar nicedir bunu dnmekteydi zaten. "Evet," dedi dnceli dnceli ban sallayarak "Msaade ediyorum. Gelsinler." Geldiler. Aralarndaki hainleri ayklayp Rus Kilisesi'nin iindeki nifaka son vermek, koca Rusya'y kirlerinden arndrp dinsel trenlere ekidzen vermek, cahil kyllerin uhrev azabn krkleyip putperest detlerini tamamen ortadan kaldrmak iin geldiler. Gelenler oaldka, katland dman ilan edilenler; dmanlar katlandka, oald kurban gidenler. Sapr sapr dklyordu insanlar. nk 1648 senesi vebaliyle mehurdu, vebasyla olduu kadar. O sene Tuz

eaten, he didnt want to see anything new in order that his eyes not lose the image of the last thing hed seen. The last image his eyes had seen was that of his elder sisters lifeless body. It was stretched full-length on the ground. Her very long, jet-black hair waved in the wind that rose from the frozen ground. The whole tribe was in mourning. They didnt even have a single shaman. The elders thought that the migrating soul of the shaman might take its place in her brother. The look in the boys eyes was like that of a sable familiar with death. They were as black as a sables eyes. Looking deeply into his pupils, it was clear that he could be the new shaman. But no one knew yet if he was the right person. In order to know it was necessary to test him. Once the boy learned that he was to be tested, he would run away from people and avoided asking questions. At night, before leaving the village with the others, he cut off a lock of his sisters hair, and ate a slice of her flesh. This was the last thing that had entered his stomach, which was now gathering together like an empty sack, becoming smaller as it did so, and, as it grew smaller, gnawing at the emptiness within him. Drums were played along the entire route. Later, when they reached the shore, they lit a huge fire and arranged themselves around it; women on one side and men on the other. The boy, next to the fire, dove into the body of his mother, who was beside herself, and whose body was as tense as a bow, and whose looks pierced him like an arrow. As dawn broke, the fire went out, and the basket was placed in the centre. When he emerged from the basket three days ELIF SHAFAK and three nights later, he would either be a shaman or a nothing. When he stroked the walrus-tusk necklace his mother had given him, he was overcome with despair. Theyd gone by now, all of them had gone. The boy remained all alone in the snow, inside an overturned basket. Since then he hadnt eaten a single bite or uttered a single

htilali patlak verdi. Haziran'n ilk gnleriydi. ara bir trl ulaamayan kalabalk, hncndan boyarlarn evlerini yakt, mallarn yamalad, karlarna saldrd. Haziran'n nde yangn balad. Alevler hzla yaylrken, kalabaln homurtusu Kremlin'i kuatt. syanclardan biri, rlplak soyunmu, arkadalarnn omuzlarnda ykselmi, avaz kt kadar baryordu: "O kadar am ki, srf bir oturuta yiyebileceklerimle, burdan ta Sibirya'ya yol yaparm." Sibirya'nn umurunda deildi olup bitenler. O zaten doutan sard, hibir ey iitmezdi dorudan kulak zanna nian alnmadka. Ne Tann'nn yukarlarda olduunun farkndayd, ne de arn uzaklarda. Kendi yanda kavruluyor, kendi oyunlarn oynuyordu, mamut diinden yapma hileli zarlanyla. te orada koksald Samur-Kz'n hikyesi; onyedinci yzyln ilk yansnda, Sibirya topraklarnda. Sibirya'nn umurunda deildi olup bitenler ama Sibirya ok kiinin umrundayd oktanberi. Yannda otuz Kossakla, Yakutsk ehrini kuran Beketov bir rapor yazmt ara: "Kleniz, byk Lena nehri boyunca ilerledikten sonra Yakut topraklanna vardm, orada kk bir kale kurdum ve gerekli savunma nlemlerini aldm/ Sizin iin kanm akttm, ruhumu kirlettim ve at eti ve kkler ve am aac kabuu ve her eit pislik yedim, Efendimiz." Byle yazmt raporunda. O ve dierleri, byle byle kazanmlard semiz servetlerini. Gnbegn ykselen krk dalarnn zirvesinden yoksullua lanet, tabiata meydan okuyarak. Krkten baka hibir ey umurlannda deildi. yle yumuakt ki krkler/ Yumuak ve scak, tyl ve kanl altn kesecikleri. Krkn her trls makbuld Si49 birya fatihlerinin nezdinde. Sincap, tilki, kakm peinde koarlard en ok; ama bilhassa samur/ Bu kk, kvrak hayvandan byk servetler kazanmt avclar. Her gn, kzaklar dolusu samur ls ylrd Yakutsk gmrne. Her gn, binlerce altn paha biilirdi yzlerce samur krkne. Mevsim banda gelenler bile keselerini doldurmu, bellerini dorultmutu oktan. Gene de kifayet edip, geri

word. Until He arrived, not a bite nor a word would pass his lips. He was waiting for Him; his souls equal, the visitor who was the soul of his equal. The visitor he was waiting for could be a human or an animal or a plant. The visitor would either grant him superhuman powers and make him a shaman just like his sister, or the complete opposite, indeed he might even be punished for his presumption. Whatever happened, whatever the risks were, he was waiting for Him. If the visitor was human He would arrive on foot, if a bird, flying, if a fish, swimming, and if it was a plant it would emerge from the snow, see the basket and come. He would come and decide whether the boy was to be the tribes new shaman. The beardless youth couldnt keep a strange sense of distress from eroding his courage. Even if he hadnt admitted it to himself yet, and even if he didnt know the reason for it, he felt a terrible fear of being seen. The sailor was smiling peacefully. Timofei Ankidinov was watching him anxiously. On one hand he couldnt rein in his jealousy at the thought that the sailor might be dreaming about the Pogicha, and on the other he was looking for some way to keep the man from freezing. The visitor hadnt come yet. The beardless youth was thinking neither about his elder sister nor about the name he would be given when he became shaman. He was miserable from hunger, weariness THE GAZE and fear. He could change his mind at any moment, but he didnt have the strength to change his mind At that moment his whole body shook. Something had entered the basket. For a while he stood waiting for his eyes to become accustomed to the darkness, as if he hadnt been living in this complete darkness for three nights, and as if when the visitor came He wouldnt bring yet another curtain of darkness. An indistinct figure slowly became apparent. It was a big sable. It was at least five times bigger than other sables. When the boy saw it he couldnt keep from smiling. This meant that the visitor hed been awaiting so

dnene pek rastlanmyordu. Avclar doymak bilmiyordu. Daha ok krk, daha ok hara, daha ok g/ dahas vard Sibirya'da ve onlar dahasn istiyordu. Avclar d koca koca ktklerden, pencereleri effaf balk derilerinden yaplm, alabildiine geni ama bir o kadar bask barakalarnda baharn gelmesini, buzlarn erimesini beklerdi aylarca. Kerpi sobann yanndaki yataklar en gllere aitti. En gller en zalimlerdi. Geri kalanlar fahielere sttnrd yataklarn. Buna ramen meye devam ederlerse eer, soba kenanndakilerin grd ryalar gizlice arp, zerlerine rterlerdi scack. Ryas alnan tir tir titreyerek uyanr, gecenin sessizliini yrtan horultular, sayklamalar, iniltileri, gcrtlar dinler ve gzlerinin karanla almasn beklerdi. Gene de ne kadar dikkatli bakarsa baksn, suluyu tespit edemezdi. Hem zaten burada herkes az biraz hrsz saylrd. Hn, salgn hastalk gibi sinsice bulat ve intikam, yrtc bir hayvan gibi pusuya yatp saldraca an kollad iin, her akam kerpi sobann etrafnda oynanan kumar, kyc kavgalara vesile olurdu muhakkak. Bazen, kendiliinden yatverirdi kavga. Oyun, kald yerden devam ederdi. Zira avclar iin knk bir kol ya da krk bir bacak, lmden beterdi. Bazen de, en kytnk tartma bile cinayetle biterdi. Ama bylesi, sakatlanmaya yelendiinden, ldrlenin arkadalar olay bytmek istemezdi. Hem zaten burada herkes az biraz katil saylrd. Barakalarn kokusu o kadar ard ki, burada bir gece uyuyanlarn bile zerlerine sinerdi. Daha ilk gnden itibaren, barakalarda geceleyen btn krk avclar ayn ekilde bakmaya balard, hep ayn grlmez noktaya. Uzaklarda, grlmeyecek kadar uzaklarda, damla damla erirdi karlar. Yollar aldnda, hazrlklar oktan tamamlanm olurdu. Avclar aylardr beklemenin verdii sabrszlkla hemen yola kar; hudut boyundaki yerlilerden ar iin hara, kendileri iin armaan

long was a sable that was his reflection in this world, a mirror of his face. This meant that, just as their eyes were identical, his soul also resembled this agile animal. The boy and the sable stood eye to eye. The boy and the sable looked at their resemblance. Both of their eyes shone with the knowledge of death. They were like two mirrors facing each other. As they looked, they flowed into each other and strengthened one another. Then they shut their eyes tightly. Then, in a manner that was both relaxed and energetic, and as if they were out in an open field rather than in that narrow basket, they began to dance the ancient dance of the shamans. The sable licked the boys wounds. Every wound healed as soon as the animals tongue touched it. Without taking their eyes off each other, they spun at the same moment and at the same speed in the snowstorm of their hearts. They spun so much that they made the worlds head spin. As they spun they were beside themselves. In that dark, narrow basket they discovered the boundlessness and the brilliance of their souls. And they loved each other. Later, when they emerged from the basket, each would go to the place where his body belonged, but their souls would not part. This, this was their secret. And this moment was their moment. The intimacy of the shaman and the animal. ELIF SHAFAK Timofei Ankidinov had made a sledge from scrub and branches and he lay the sailor, who by the way his smiling face was growing pale seemed in danger of freezing, onto this sledge. His aim was first to get away from the sea and to find shelter. The rest he would think about later. Not that there was much to think about. He had a feeling he was going to make a fortune in these still undiscovered lands. This had to be a sable heaven. And who knew, perhaps it was even close to the Pogicha. Perhaps he was very close to that magnificence of which hed always dreamed, to the boundless plenty, to his elegant lady. As Timofei Ankidinov walked,

toplard. Yerliler yzn grmedikleri, ismini iitmedikleri ara hara; yzlerini sevmedikleri, isimlerini renemedikleri avclara armaan vermeye yanamamalarnn bedelini ar derdi. Sibir50 ya'nn ilerinde, ne kadar ileri gidilebileceine krk avclar karar verirdi. Aslnda avclarn hepsi, bir an evvel zengin olup, geri dnmek niyetiyle gelmiti buralara. Ama imdi, savunmasz plaklyla nlerinde uzanrken fethedecek topraklar, kat kat kabaran etekliklerin ardnda hayat ardan alan, kendilerini ardan satan Rus ehirlerine dnmek gelmiyordu ilerinden. Her seferinde, kzaklarn gmrkte boaltp, keselerini doldurduktan sonra, gerisin geri dnp bir kez daha dalyorlard o beyazla, sszla, usuz bucakszla. Kefedilecek yerler azaldka, daha da katmerleniyordu henz kefedilmeyenin kymeti. imdi herkes gzlerini Sibirya'nn kuzeydousuna dikmiti. Orada bir cennet olduunu sylyorlard; bir krke sarnmadan bu dnyadan gen yoksul analarn hrsl oullarna vaat edilmi bir krk cenneti. te bu aaal hlyadan hareketle, daha 1630'larn sonlarnda Kossaklar, Sibirya'nn kuzeydousuna denizden ulalabileceine karar vererek, karanlk sulara yelken amlard. Mein kaylarla tutturulmu aa dallarndan ibaretti tekne dedikleri; katransz ve ivisiz. Geyik derisindendi yelkenleri; rzgr arkadan esmedike yol almalar mmkn deildi. Devaml yer deitiren devasa buz dalan mein kaylar kesiyor, gemileri paralyordu. Tayfalar aln, pisliin, iskorbt hastalnn penesinde kvranyordu. lenler hayalleriyle birlikte gmlyor, kalanlar hayallerini bytmeye devam ediyordu. Gemiciler envai eit hikye anlatrd Sibirya hakknda. Uzaktan bakldnda buzdan kllan andran, yaklatka l l parlayan, iyice yanna varnca da tamamen grnmez olan acayip bitkiler vard orada; bcek tleriyle beslenen, sesini emecek bcek bulamadnda kendini yutuveren bitkiler. Buz dalannn zerinden her bir denizciye annesinin ismiyle seslenen sedefsi deniz kzlar,

pulling the sledge behind him, he kept his eyes on the land onto which theyd not yet stepped; his friend on the sledge, his eyes wide open, silently watched the road along which theyd passed. Suddenly an indistinct shape passed in front of them. It was a sable, at least five times bigger than other sables. It passed without noticing the men and a little further on disappeared from sight. When Timofei Ankidinov saw this enormous sable he was so surprised and so excited that he had difficulty keeping himself from crying out. He didnt say anything to the sailor. He changed the sledges course, and started following the sables tracks. The tracks dwindled, and stopped in front of a small mound. As the sable trapper approached noiselessly and began brushing the snow off the mound, he understood that it was a large, overturned basket. This discovery excited him even more. Perhaps under this basket was a door that opened onto the Pogicha. Perhaps all the sables in Siberia were succeeding in hiding from the trappers by passing through this door. If it could swallow such a big sable as that one, there was definitely a priceless mystery inside it. Perhaps it would be better if we didnt look. It could be a trap for trappers. Or a Siberian curse. As the sailor said this, he was trying to straighten out. Timofei Ankidinov look sourly at his face. He would never allow the Pogicha THE GAZE and its enormous sables to belong to anyone else. He pretended to stop looking, returned to the sledge, and suddenly attacked the man lying on it. The sailor, who was very weak and who was not expecting an attack like this, was so astounded that even as his body was being stabbed he didnt put up any resistance. bloodinthesnowbloodinthesnowbloodin thesnowmansnowman. Trembling wildly with excitement, Timofei Ankidinov looked around. There was a lot of blood around. Everything he saw had turned red. He cleaned off the blood that filled his eyes. He flung the bloody dagger far away and

knlan buzlar birbirlerine veda ederken grlen muhteem k oyunlan, buz dalarnn altndan dnyay gzetleyen ve kapanmadklar takdirde varlklar asla hissedilmeyen gz balklan, geceleri gemilere trmanp tayfalarn burunlann kemiren iren srngenler, boyunlan olmad iin kafalar sanki her an yuvarlanacakm gibi grnen ve erkekleri kadnlarndan ayrdedilemeyen ilkel yerliler/ 51 Sibirya'nn kuzeydousuna alan gemilerden birinde bir adam vard. smi Timofei Ankidinov idi. Samur avcsyd, yzlercesi gibi. Gemicilerin anlatt hikyelere kulak amazd. Umursad tek bir efsane vard: Pogia! Efsanevi Pogia nehri inanmas gzel, inandka gzel oland. Yitik sevgilinin silik sureti gibi nazenin glmserdi sisin ardndan. Hep uzaktayd; ebediyen uzakta. Yaklatka uzaklayordu. Sibirya' nn kuzeydousuna varp da, kzaklara smayan samur llerini pelerisra saa saa ilerleyenler, Pogia nehrinin uultusunu duymadan dnmemeye yemin etmilerdi. Hem belki de oraya vardklarnda, dnmeyi hi istemeyeceklerdi. Binlerce samur dolayor olmalyd Pogia'nn kylarnda, kmr karas gzlerinde kmr karas bir efsunla. Her biri yakutlarla dolu ukurlara alan mors dilerinden patikalar vard orada. Pogia nehrinin sulan scackt, kimi yerlerde fokur fokur kaynayacak kadar. Pogia nehrinin sular ifalyd, bir kez iine gireni tm yaralarndan arndracak kadar. Sular lk lk, nazl nazl aktktan sonra suskun bir gle dklrd. Gl l l parlard uzaktan, dibi iri iri incilerle doluydu. Gndz uzak, gece yakn grnen bir dan glgesi sabitkadem dururdu gln yzeyinde. Ara sra gm kayalar dklrd dadan. ki gm kayay birbirine srtnce, isil isil yamur yaard gln zerine. Damlalar fosforlu lekeler brakrd geride. Dnyann geri kalanndan tecrit edilmiliin harfleriyle, gayesiz iirler yazard yamur Pogia'da. Timofei Ankidinov Pogia hakknda

approached the overturned basket. He opened it and looked inside. Sable and boy, two twin souls, two existences linked by blood, two balls of sadness, two strange faces, two confused hallucinations, boy and sable/ Their two souls, causing each other to increase, were on the point of melting into one, but their union was left half completed. With the opening of the basket the daylight dove in with a brazen smile, followed by the strangers avaricious stare. And at such an intimate moment. They had to be far from watching eyes; they definitely ought not to be seen. The spell was broken. It was all left half finished, and temporary. Now the boy and the sable were struggling to bring back the half that was each ones own body Since there was only one body present. Because the spell had been broken right in the middle of their union, they could neither step back and return to their former states, nor could they step forward and complete their transformation. The light that had torn that darkness, that counted intimacy for nothing, disappeared the way it arrived.Timofei Ankidinovs mouth hung open with surprise, and his eyes grew to the size of crystal balls from terror as he looked at the creature under the basket. The military governor ofTobolsk was lying on his back, gulping his drink and picking at the scabs of the wound that had appeared at ELIF SHAFAK S'> ' \ / \ / the end of his nose several weeks ago and somehow wouldnt heal. After all, Tobolsk had become the most important city in Siberia. Because the Russians saw Tobolsk not only as a commercial but also as a religious centre, theyd built a convent and a monastery side-byside, as well as a religious school. The missionaries who sought to teach Gods name to the primitives and to uproot idolatrous practices were entertained here for a while before setting out into the wilderness. When it came to commerce, all the merchants saw it as an important place to visit regularly Tadjik and Tartar

anlatlan her eye gnlden inanrd. Sadece var olduuna inanmakla kalmazd Pogia'nn; bir de onun, sadece kendisi iin var olduuna, kendisini beklediine inanrd. Timofei Ankidinov bir samur avcsyd, yzlercesi gibi. ylesine enisizdi ki hayat, yle vasat ve hatrda iz brakmayan cinstendi ki yz, doduu gnden beri srf bakalarnn gzne girebilmek iin o kadar ok didinmek zorunda kalmt ki; u yeryznde, btn insan soyu iinde, Pogia'y grmeyi kendisinden daha fazla hak eden biri olmadna inanrd. ylesine balanmt ki efsaneye, "inci kadnm" diye seslenirdi Pogia'ya ve ne vakit birinin kp da onun ismini zikrettiini, hayalini kurduunu grse, fkeden lgna dnerdi. Efsane, en ok ona vaat edilmiti ve bir tek ona. te bu yzden, haftalardr iinde seyahat ettikleri gemi karanlk sulara gmlrken bile biliyordu lmeyeceini. Pogia'y bulmadan lmeyeceinden ylesine emindi ki, karaya yzmek iin neredeyse hi aba gstermemi; sihir scaklnda bir elin uzanp da, buz ktle52 lerinin arasndan onu ekip karmasn beklemiti. Nihayet karaya vardnda, gemideki denizcilerden birini buldu karsnda. ki adam, korkun bir kazadan sa kabilmenin muhteem vebaliyle, utantan ve sevinten yanaklar pene pene sarldlar birbirlerine ve dnp aknlkla baktlar sulara; az evvel kapkara girdabna ektii enkazn artklarn, imdi kpk kpk beyazlnda kusan sulara. Bu esnada denizcinin bandaki yaradan szan kanlar gzlerine doluyor, salarnda kararm kan topaklan birikiyordu. Oysa onun hi de ac eker gibi bir hali yoktu. Suratnda tatl bir glmsemeyle, denize bakyordu. Yrei fettan, ehresi solgun, dili peltek bir dalga yryordu peisra. Dalgann altnda, yzlerce ukurun binlerce derinlii i ie gemi, tutkuyla oalyordu; bu yzden fettand yrei. Dalgann iinde, yzlerce samurun binlerce glgesi elele tutumu, karartyordu; bu yzden solgundu ehresi. Dalgann zerinde, yzlerce sesin binlerce yanks lk la bouluyordu;

tradesmen in particular used to bring valuable goods from the east to the markets ofTobolsk. The military governor ofTobolsk looked at the blood on the tip of his finger. The wound had bled again when he had picked at it. He filled his glass again. When he came here hed had fifty servants, five prostitutes who were always bickering among themselves, three priests, and hundreds of barrels of wine and drink. If things continued to go the way they were, he was sure that he would leave with nine or ten times more. The trapping season was about to reach its end. Soon, all of the native tribes along the border would deliver their tribute. Any day, the Cossacks who ranged further would be turning back, with their furs. Furs! The military governor ofTobolsk smiled as he crushed between his fingers the scab he had picked. He loved fur. If it wasnt for fur he wouldnt be able to stand this cursed place for a single day. He started to do the accounts in his head. Indeed his favourite thing was to go to his room at the end of the day and gulp his drink while adding up what he had made. This time hed even succeeded in fooling the devil. When hed thought of kidnapping the children of the troublesome Tunguz tribe, who hadnt paid their protection money for some time, hed solved the problem once and for all. Now he was selling the children back to their parents for sable furs. To tell the truth, kidnapping the leaders of the tribe was very difficult, but quite profitable. He could get sledges full of furs in exchange for them. When some of them unnecessarily tried to THE GAZE resist, the military governor dealt out their punishment himself. He branded them with an iron whose capital letters had dropped off. He always branded them in the same place; right between their eyes. Wherever the prisoners went in the future, none of them would ever pick up a mirror again, and they would remind everyone who saw them of the military governors power. There were also shamans among those who were kidnapped. They were quite

bu yzden peltekti dili. Dalga, ayak parmaklarndan yukarya doru usul usul ykseliyor, dedii yeri tatl tatl gdklyordu. Timofei Ankidinov arkadann donmak zere olduunun farkndayd. nk byle bir eydi donmak. Bitmeyen bir lm. Ne noktalamak srmekte olan, ne hazrlanmak gelmekte olana; ne bir son hayata, ne de bir balang bir baka zamana/ sadece ve sadece, uzayp giden bir ak, buradan uzaa/ nk byle bir eydi donmak; yani akmak, yani akarken durmamak, yani duramamaya akmak. Eiksiz, merhalesiz, zahmetsiz. Ve bylesine akkan olduu iin, insann kann ekerken cann incitmeyen tek lmd donmak. Hayatn son bulmayacana dair scack bir avuntu yayard buz kesmi avularndan. stelik, kendi de inanrd inandrdklarna. Asln inkr, varlna isyan eden tek lmd donmak. Ksk sesiyle mrl mrl konuurdu kurbannn kulana. Cokuyla anlatrd yalanlarla rl hikyesini. Sonra durup aniden susar, hikyeyi yarda kesip gitmeye yeltenir-di. Kurban telala sarlrd scack avuntu yayan buz kesmi avulara; gitmesine izin vermezdi. ldrrken, kurbannn rzasn alan tek lmd donmak. ldrrken glmseten tek lmd donmak. Denizci huzurla glmsyordu. Timofei Ankidinov kaygyla ona bakyordu. 53 Deniz kysnda bunlar olurken biraz ileride, ters dnm bir sepetin iinde, henz kllanmaya balamam bir olan ocuu mrnn en etin snavn veriyordu. Henz kllanmaya balamam olan ocuu yerli kabilelerden birine mensuptu ve bu sepetin iinde tam gndr bekliyordu. Tam gndr sryordu bu kr karanlk. I zledii sylenemezdi. n-san nasl azndaki yiyecein tadn kaybetmemek iin yeni bir ey yemek istemezse, o da gzlerinin en son grd grnty kaybetmemek iin yeni bir ey grmeyi istemiyordu aslnda. Gzlerinin nndeki en son grnt, ablasnn cansz vcuduydu. Yerde yatyordu boylu boyunca. Upuzun, simsiyah salar, buz tutmu topran altndan esen rzgrla dalgalanyordu. Btn

strange. They made such startling sounds in their t ells at night that none of the guards liked to watch over them. They would ululate until dawn and stamp their feet, and theyd spin for hours, tearing their rattling chains and jingling walrus tusk necklaces to pieces. Sometimes the military governor would go down and watch them from a corner. He would throw maggotmfested meat that had been put aside for the sledge dogs in front of them. Until now, none of them had refused it.Theyd chew heavily i m the repulsive, stinking meat; the colour of its rottenness wrapped itself around the eyes. Every time he saw this, the military governor became nauseous and rushed away. It was not long before hed be free of this cursed place. He was :',oing to leave in the near future. If hed sunk his teeth in just a little bit more, he would have been one of the wealthiest men in t lie country when he left. His train of thought was broken by the pounding on the door. It was his orderly. Sir, theres a sable trapper outside. He says he has something very iluable in his sack. He wont show it to anyone but you. All right, said the military governor. He sighed in distress. Let him come in. Lets have a look and see what he has in this sack. A little later, Timofei Ankidinov, with a haughty expression, followed the orderly inside. He had straightened his back and was .ibout to recite the pretentious sentences hed prepared days before, when the military governor cut him short with a harsh expression, md asked for the sack to be opened at once. Meanwhile, the military -overnor was unable to speak for a moment because of the pain from the wound hed made bleed again by picking at it. When he ELIF SHAFAK came to himself, the first thing he did was to pat Timofei Ankidinov on the back with one hand and raise his wine glass to the honour of the sack. Quickly filling every empty wine glass he saw, he repeated the same sentence no one knows how many times. This kind of ugliness is something

kabile yas tutuyordu. Artk bir samanlar yoktu. Yallar, ruhu gen amann yerine kardeinin geebileceine inanyorlard. Tpk bir samurun gzleri gibi lme aina bakyordu bu olann gzleri. Tpk bir samurun gzleri kadar kara. Gzbebeklerinin derinliine baklrsa, yeni aman o olabilirdi pekl. Ama henz kimse, onun doru kii olup olmadn bilmiyordu. Bilebilmek iin snamak gerekliydi. Olan snanacan rendiinde, soru sormaktan kanm, insanlardan kamt. Btn gn tek bana geirmiti. Gece, tekilerle beraber kyden ayrlmadan evvel, ablasnn salarndan bir tutam kesmi, etinden bir dilim yemiti. imdi bombo bir kese gibi bzlen, bzldke klen, kldke iindeki boluu kemiren midesinin grd en son yiyecek buydu. Davullar almt yol boyunca. Sonra, deniz kysna vardklarnda, kocaman bir ate yakm ve etrafna dizilmilerdi; kadnlar bir tarafa, erkekler bir tarafa. Olan, atein etrafnda kendinden geen annesinin yay gibi gerilen vcuduna, ok gibi delen baklarna dalp gitmiti. afak skerken ate snm, sepet ortaya konmutu. Tedirgin gzlerle bakmt sepete. gn, gece sonra bu sepetten ktnda, ya bir hi olacakt, ya da yeni aman. Annesinin verdii mamut dilerinden kolyeyi okarken yeise kaplmt. Gitmilerdi ite; hepsi gitmiti. Olan, karn zerinde, ters evrilmi sepetin iinde bir bana kalmt. Tek lokma yememi, tek kelime etmemiti o andan itibaren. O gelene kadar, ne tek lokma girecekti azndan ieri, ne tek kelime kacakt azndan dar. O'nu bekliyordu; ruhunun dengi, denginin ruhu olan ziyaretiyi. Bekledii ziyareti bir insan da olabilirdi, bir hayvan yahut ot da. Bekledii ziyareti onu insanst glerle donatp, tpk ablas gibi bir aman ya54 pabilir ya da tam aksine, haddi olmadan byle bir ie kalkt iin cezalandrabilirdi. Her ne olursa olsun, her eyi gze alm, O'nu bekliyordu. Ziyareti eer bir insansa yrrken, kusa uarken, balksa yzerken, otsa karn altndan boyverirken sepeti grecek ve gelecekti. Gelecek ve

everyone has to see. In a low, airless cabin in Tobolsk, the Sable-Boy used to get up and dance on top of a round wooden table. The overflowing crowd around the table would consist of merchants, trappers, adventurers, exiles, outlaws, holy men, Cossacks, prostitutes, the Czar s spies, high officials and their underlings, that is, everyone chance had set on the road to this distant land; shouting, cursing and insulting one another as they gulped their drinks, watching the Sable-Boy Every evening the military governor of Tobolsk would drop by and look things over; hed count the number of spectators. Since hed managed to get Timofei Ankidinov out of the picture with a little money and many threats, it was all his. No one could interfere. Every night, he earned the value of at least two sledges full of sable furs from the people who came to see the Sable-Boy. What had happened was that the boy, who hadnt become the tribes new shaman, had become stuck somewhere between being a human and being a sable. Indeed he was a sableperson, because he had a sable for a soul-mate. And inside that overturned basket, when the moment came for his soul to embrace its twin; that is, at the moment when he was about to draw the sables soul into himself and blow his own soul into the sable; I mean, at the moment when he was about to complete the transformation he had to undergo in order to become the tribes new shaman, first becoming two beings in one with the sable, then later becoming one being in two; everything remained half finished simply because a hand had opened the basket from outside, and a pair of uninvited eyes had seen what they shouldnt have seen and THE GAZE the light from those eyes had shredded that intimate moment to pieces.The soul-mates had become separate within the same body. Indeed he was a sable-person. He was half sable, and half human. He was an unfortunate creature, imprisoned in order to display his unfortunate ugliness. By day, the Sable-Boy sat in a circle defined by the length of the

olann, kabilesinin yeni aman olup olamayacana karar verecekti. Henz kllanmaya balamam olan ters evrilmi sepetin iinde ziyaretisini beklerken, garip bir skntnn yreini kemirmesine mni olamyordu. Henz kendi kendine itiraf edemese de, bilemedii bir sebepten tr, lesiye korkuyordu grlmekten. Denizci huzurla glmsyordu. Timofei Ankidinov kaygyla ona bakyordu. Bir yandan, denizciyi bylesine glmseten hayallerin Pogia ile ilgili olabileceini dnd iin kskanln dizginleyemiyor; bir yandan da, adam donmasn diye areler aryordu. Ziyareti hl gelmemiti. Henz kllanmam olan ne ablasn dnyordu artk, ne de aman olduunda edinecei ismi. Alktan, yorgunluktan ve korkudan periand. Her an vazgeebilirdi ama vazgeecek kadar bile takati kalmamt. Derken aniden btn vcudu sarsld. Sepetin iine bir ey girmiti. Olan, sanki gecedir bu zifiri karanlkta yaayan o deilmi gibi, sanki ziyareti gelirken beraberinde bir perde daha karanlk getirmi gibi bir mddet ylece durup gzlerinin karanla almasn bekledi. Karalt yava yava belirginleti. Byke bir samurdu bu. Dier samurlardan en az be kat iriydi. Olan onu grnce glmsemeden edemedi. Demek, bunca zamandr bekledii ziyareti, ehresinin aynas, bu lemdeki yansmas bir samurdu. Demek tpk gzleri gibi, ruhu da bu kvrak hay vannkiyle benzeiyordu. Samur ve olan, gz gze durdular. Olan ve samur benzerliklerine baktlar. Her ikisinin gzlerinde de olanca cretiyle ldyordu lme aina prltlar. Karlkl iki aynayd onlar. Baktka, birbirlerinin iine akp, birbirlerinde oaldlar. Sonra gzlerini yumdular. Sanki o darack sepetin iinde deil de, ak arazidelermi gibi rahat ve kvrak baladlar samanlarn kadim dansna. Davullar alyordu fersah fersah uzakta. Tokmak davula her 55 indiinde, olann ayaklan hzla vuruyordu topraa. Can yanyor, eti kanyordu. Olann yaralarn

chain attached to his ankles, gnawing at the food that was thrown to him. When hed eaten his fill, hed sniff at the edge of the circle, trying to understand what kind of world he was in. In the evening he would get up on the table in the cabin and display himself. He was so ugly and so strange that there were those who changed their routes in order to pass through Tobolsk. People laughed when they saw him. Even though his appearance was wild, he was very obedient. He never stood up for himself. He did exactly what he was told. Sometimes he would jump up and down on the table, sometimes he would approach the edge and let the spectators touch him, and sometimes he would turn his back and draw circles in the air with his tail. And he would also often get on all fours and run around in circles chasing his tail. Whenever he did this the spectators would crack up laughing. Whenever this happened, they would throw things onto the round, wooden table; either the curses on their tongues, or the boots on their feet, or the drink that was left in their glasses, or the prostitutes who wandered from lap to lap. He was a Sable-Boy. In time, he earned the military governor far more than he could have earned in years in the fur trade. Then, one night, as he was showing himself off on top of the table, he collapsed to the ground. Faces and sounds became confused. Hed fainted. Hed become ill. In the following days, the military governor brought all of the physicians of the city to the cabin. Yet none of the physicians could put a name to the Sable-Boys sickness, or find a cure. In the end the military governor, seeing the patient wasting away day-by-day and being seized by a mind-shaking panic, finally sought the help of the shamans in the cells. Of all the shamans, only ELIF SHAFAK one had a sable as a soul-mate, and agreed to look after him. The Sable-Boys condition improved somewhat, but the military governor became frightened that something might happen to him and his source

yalyordu samur. Hayvann dilinin dedii her yara, annda kapanp iyileiyordu. Gzlerini birbirlerinden ayrmadan, ayn anda, ayn hzla dndler yreklerinin kar frtnasnda. O kadar ok dndler ki, dnyann ban dndrdler. Dndke kendilerinden getiler. O karanlk, darack sepetin iinde ruhlarnn snrszln, aydnln kefettiler. Ve sevdiler birbirlerini. Yaknda, sepetten ktklarnda, her birinin gvdesi ait olduu yere dnecek ama ruhlar birbirinden ayrlmayacakt. Bu, onlarn srryd. Ve bu an, onlarn anyd. aman ile hayvann mahremi. Timofei Ankidinov, allardan, dallardan kytrk bir kzak yapm ve suratndaki glmsemenin solmu olmasna baklrsa donma tehlikesini atlatacaa benzeyen denizciyi bu kzan zerine yatrmt. Amac nce deniz kysndan uzaklap, bir snak bulmakt. Gerisini sonra dnecekti. Hem zaten dnecek pek fazla bir ey de yoktu. Henz kefedilmemi bu topraklardan bir servet kazanacan hissediyordu. Buras bir samur cenneti olmalyd. Kimbilir, belki de Po-gia'nn yaknlarndayd. Belki de ok yaklamt ona, hep hayalini kurduu o ihtiama, snrsz bollua, inci kadnna. Timofei Ankidinov, kza ektiinden, henz ayak basmadklar topraklara bakyordu yrrken; kzakta yatan arkada ise, gzlerini gbela aralam, getikleri yollan seyrediyordu sessizce. Aniden bir karalt geti nlerinden. Bir samurdu bu, dier samurlarn en az be kat byklnde. Adamlar fark etmeden geip gitmi ve biraz tede gzden kaybolmutu. Timofei Ankidinov, devasa samuru grnce o kadar arm, o kadar heyecanlanmt ki, ses karmamak iin kendini zor tutabildi. Denizciye bir ey sylemedi. Kzan ynn deitirip, samurun ayak izlerini takip etmeye balad. zler az ileride, bir tepeciin nnde son buluyordu. Samur avcs sessizce yaklap tepeciin zerindeki karlar yle bir kazdnda bunun, ters dnm byke bir sepet olduunu anlad. Bu keif onu daha da heyecanlandrd. Belki de efsanevi

of money would dry up completely. So as not to leave things to chance, he had to get some offspring from this strange creature. They would have to be half-human and halfanimal just like himself. Before long, they put the Sable-Boy in the arms of a prostitute. The Sable-Boy first sniffed the bed, then the prostitute, then, lying in the bed with the prostitute, sniffed himself. From among the smells of sweat and urine, faeces and drink, smoke and exile, he picked out and lay aside, as if he were plucking the finest of hairs, his favourite smell in the world, the only smell he loved; the smell of the cold! While he filled himself with the smell he loved, he gave the prostitute no trouble. He was as obedient as always. Months later, early for humans and late for animals, the prostitute gave birth to twins. The first born had nothing strange about it. The military governor, who had refused to wait outside and was pacing back and forth next to the bed, scowled as he looked at the baby. His nerves were shot. Just then the second baby came. Its head emerged first; it was a human head. And then, finally, below the waist, a puny, wet tail appeared. The lower half of its body was sable. Screaming with delight, the military governor picked up the sable-baby and threw it into the air. He squeezed some gold coins into the prostitutes hand. Leaving her and the first-born baby there, he set off for home with his new treasure in his arms. For centuries, all sable-children were born as twins. Each time, one of the twins was human and one was a sable-person.The sable-babies were sometimes boys and sometimes girls. The human twins had little chance of surviving, and no one knew what became of them. Those that were born half-human and halfanimal would survive, and continue to provide an ever-increasing fortune for the military governor, and later for his children and his grandchildren and the grandchildren of his grandchildren. THE GAZE And so, the destinies of the two families were intertwined like two

Pogia'ya alan kap ite u sepetin altndayd. Belki de Sibirya'nn btn samurlan, bu kapdan geip avclardan saklanmay baa-ryordu. Byle kocaman bir samuru yuttuuna gre, muhakkak paha biilmez bir sr vard sepetin iinde. 56 "Belki de bakmasak daha iyi olur. Avclar iin bir tuzak olabilir. Ya da bir Sibirya laneti!" Denizci bir yandan bunlar sylerken, bir yandan da dorulmaya alyordu. Timofei Ankidinov suratn ekiterek bakt ona. Ne Pogi-a'nn, ne de irikym samurlarnn bakasnn eline gemesine izin veremezdi. Sylenenlere hak vermi, bakmaktan vazgemi gibi yaparak kzan yanna dnd ve aniden kzakta yatan adamn zerine saldrd. Zaten bir hayli halsiz dm olan ve byle bir saldry hi beklemeyen denizci, o kadar bo bulunmutu ki, kama vcuduna saplanrken bile hi kar koymad. kardakankardakankardakankardanadamk andanadam Timofei Ankidinov heyecandan tir tir titreyerek etrafa baknd. ok fazla kan vard ortalkta. Grd her ey krmzya kesmiti. Gzlerine dolan kanlan temizledi. Kanl kamay uzaa frlatt ve karda de kalka sepete yaklat. At ve bakt. / samur ve olan, iki denk ruh, iki kanda varlk, iki hzn yuma, iki yabans ehre, iki karmak sanr, olan ve samur/ Ruhlarn birbirlerinde oaltarak teklikte erimek zerelerdi ki, yarm kald vuslatlar. Sepetin almasyla birlikte pikin bir tebessmle ieri dald gn ve ardndan, yabancnn nazan. Oysa o an nasl da mahremdi! Gzlerden uzak olmal; katiyen grlmemeliydi. Tlsm bozuldu. Her ey yarm, her ey ireti kald. imdi olan da samur da, kendi gvdelerinin yarsn berikinden geri alabilmek iin mitsizce rpnyordu. Oysa ortada sadece bir tek gvde vard. Vuslatn tam ortasnda bozulduu iin tlsm, artk ne bir adm geri atp eski hallerine dnebiliyor, ne bir adm ileri gidip dnm tamamlayabiliyorlard. Karanl yrtan, mahremiyeti hie sayan k, geldii gibi yok olduunda, Timofei Ankidinov, az

vigorous vines that had met by coincidence. For centuries, the descendants of the military governor and the descendants of the Sable-Boy were always together. In every generation, those carrying the military governor s surname were the ones who displayed; those who inherited the Sable-Boys condition were the displayed. And perhaps these two lineages might have remained linked forever. That is if one of the military governors grandchildrens grandchildren hadnt loosened the last link in this very long chain. The truth of the matter was that this man, one of the military governors grandchildrens grandchildren, wasnt very enthusiastic about the business he had inherited from his father. Although the Sable-Girl in his possession was among the ugliest of her lineage, so he could earn much more money, this wasnt what the military governors great great grandson wanted. Instead of carrying on the profession of his forefathers in the land of his origins, he wanted to move to a new continent that everyone said was enchanting and attempt what had not yet been attempted. Fie was passionate about this dream, but somehow couldnt rid himself of the Sable-Girl or of the profession he had inherited. Then, one day, a messenger knocked on the military governors great great grandsons door. Without saying a word the messenger held out the sealed letter hed taken from his shirt and then stood aside to wait for an answer. In the letter, someone with a strange name who had heard about the famous Sable-Girl wanted to buy her, and he was making a very generous offer. The military governors great great grandson didnt hesitate for long. He felt that God had finally answered his prayers. He settled the matter quickly. As the messenger in the cherrycoloured gloves counted out the coins, the other man was writing a statement granting all rights to the Sable-Girl to the man with the strange name who had written the letter. That very evening, the messenger and the Sable-Girl were about to

aknlktan bir kar ak, gzleri dehetten falta gibi alm bir halde, ylece bakmaktayd sepetin altndaki mahluka. Tobolsk askeri valisi arkasna yaslanm, bir yandan ikisini yudum-luyor, bir yandan da haftalar evvel burnunun ucunda kan ve bir trl iyilemeyen yarann kabuklarn yoluyordu. Artk Tobolsk, Sibirya'nn en mhim ehri olmutu. Ruslar buray sadece ticari deil, dini bir merkez olarak da grdklerinden, Tobolsk'da erkekler ve kadnlar iin birer manastnn yan sra, bir de din okulu amlard. lkellere Tanr'nn ismini retip, putperest detlerin kkn kazmaya ahdet57 mi din adamlar, vahi topraklara doru yola kmadan evvel, bir mddet burada arlanrd. Ticarete gelince, Tobolsk btn tccarlarn gzbebei, urak yeriydi. Bilhassa Buharal ve Tatar tccarlar, Dou'nun kymetli mallarn tarlard Tobolsk pazarlarna. Tobolsk askeri valisi parmaklarnn ucundaki kana bakt. Gene yaray soyarken kanatmt. Yeniden iki doldurdu bardana. Buraya gelirken yannda elli uak, srekli birbirleriyle dalaan be fahie, papaz, yzlerce f arap ve iki getirmiti. Byle giderse, buradan ayrldnda btn bunlar en az dokuz-on misline katlam olacandan emindi. Av mevsimi sona ermek zereydi. Pek yaknda, snr karakolunun etrafndaki btn yerli kabileler haralarn teslim edeceklerdi. Daha uzaklara alan gzpek Kossaklar da dnmeye balard artk, yanlarnda krklerle. Krkler! Tobolsk askeri valisi yolduu kabuu parmaklarnn arasnda ezerken glmsedi. Krkleri severdi. Krkler olmasa bu lanetli yerde bir gn bile durmazd. Silbatan hesap yapmaya balad. Zaten en sevdii ey, gnn sonunda odasna ekilip ikisini yudumlarken kazancn hesaplamakt. Bu sefer eytana bile pabucunu ters giydirmeyi baarmt ite. Bunca zaman hara vermeyip baa bela kesilen Tunguzlann ocuklarn kartmay akl edince, mesele de kknden hallolmutu. imdi samur krkleri karlnda, ana babalarna satyordu ocuklar. Karlanlar arasnda kabile reisleri ve amanlar da vard.

set off on the road, when the military governors great great ELIF SHAFAK grandson came up behind them. He was curious about where the SableGirl was being taken. The messenger, who until then had not said a word, answered out of the corner of his mouth. To the west! To Istanbul! Pera1885 After the evening call to prayer, the westward-facing door of the cherry-coloured tent at the top of the hill was opened for the women. It was then that in threes and fives the women started to enter the westward-facing door of the cherry-coloured tent at the top of the hill. Bringing their noise and their togetherness with them. The opening would be performed by a masked woman. The mask she wore, with its eyes frozen as if they d witnessed a moment of terror, the tongue swollen as if it had been stuck in a beehive, a nose that had started to grow straight out and then had changed its mind and grown down as far as the lower lip, and a pointed chin covered in hair, was truly frightening. The masked woman said nothing and did nothing, but simply stood stock still on the stage. As if shed been told to wait her entire life, and had obediently waited, without knowing why, or for what- Then, at a completely unexpected moment, she would lower the mask. Exclamations of surprise rose from the audience. Because the face they saw now was exactly the same as the face theyd seen before. From far away, very far away, barely audible, came the sound of a violin. When the violin stopped, the woman whose mask was her face, and whose face was a mask, greeted the audience in a graceful manner. On her signal, the purple curtains with the threadbare fringes began to open slowly. On the stage, at the foot of a steep drop, in a pitch-black cauldron with a fire burning brightly under it, surrounded by fearful creatures, ELIF SHAFAK a tiny, ugly woman began to sing a cabaret song. Her name was Siranus; her voice was very thin. You were so beautiful, you were so lovely If youd been a borek I

Geri kabile reislerini karmak zordu zor olmasna da, gayet krlyd. Onlarn karlnda kzaklar dolusu krk alabiliyordu. Bazlar lzumsuz yere direnmeye kalktnda, askeri vali kendi elleriyle veriyordu cezalarn. sminin ba harflerinden dklm demirle dalyordu sulular. Hep ayn yere vuruyordu mhrn; iki gzlerinin tam ortasna. Bylece mahkmlar bundan byle nereye giderlerse gitsinler, bir daha asla ellerine ayna alamayacak ve askeri valinin kudretini anlatm olacaklard onlara her bakana. Bir de amanlar vard karlanlar arasnda. Olduka tuhaftlar. Geceleri, kodeslerinde ylesine rktc sesler kartyorlard ki, balarnda nbet tutmaya yanamyordu gardiyanlarn hibiri. afak skene kadar hi durmadan uluyup tepinerek, ayaklanndaki zincirlerin krtsn boyunlarndaki mamut dilerinin ngrtsnda paralayarak, saatlerce dnyorlard. Askeri vali zaman zaman aa inip, bir keden onlar seyrediyordu. Kzak kpekleri iin aynlan kurtlu etleri atyordu nlerine. Yemedikleri olmamt imdiye dein. Ar ar ineyerek yiyorlard eci bc kokmu etleri; rmln 58 rengine brnyordu gzbebekleri. Her seferinde midesi azna geldiinden, telala uzaklayordu askeri vali. Az kalmt bu lanet olas yerden kurtulmasna. Yaknda gidecekti. Biraz daha/ biraz daha diini skarsa, lkenin en zengin adamlarndan biri olabilirdi buradan ayrldnda. Kapnn vurulmasyla dncelerinden syrld. Gelen, emir erlerinden biriydi. "Efendim, darda bir samur avcs var. uvalnda ok kymetli bir ey olduunu sylyor. Sizden baka kimseye gstermeyecekmi." "Pekl," dedi askeri vali. Skntyla esnedi. "Brakn gelsin. Grelim bakalm ne varm u uvalda." Az sonra, Timofei Ankidinov suratnda marur bir ifadeyle, emir erini takiben ieri girdi. Srtn dikletirip, gnler ncesinden hazrlad tumturakl cmleleri tam sralamaya balayacakt ki, askeri vali sert bir ifadeyle szn kesip, bir an evvel uval amasn istedi.

would have eaten you With few onions, and much meat. I got lost in conversation, you stuck to the pan and burned At once I lost my desire. When the song was finished, the creatures pulled Siranus cauldron to one side, as well as the fire underneath it. While she suffered the punishment of the whimsical, dripping beads of sweat, the Three Ugly Sisters appeared on the stage. The three sisters, each uglier than the other, were Mari, Takuhi and Agavni. One of them had one breast, the second had two breasts, and the third had three. Side-by-side, they bounced their breasts up and down as they did a belly dance. They were so busy following each other out of the corners of their eyes to catch each others mistakes that they forgot about the audience, and even that they were on the stage. Mari hated Agavni because she felt shed stolen her missing breast. Agavni hated Mari for causing her to carry an extra breast. Both of them hated Takuhi more than anything in the world. They hated Takuhi who with her two breasts threw her sisters deformities in their faces, and who, shining darkly like a pearl in mud, was ugly but not deformed. Some evenings Mari and Agavni couldnt control their tempers and stopped in the middle of their belly dance to start slapping Takuhi. When the audience saw them hit her, when they saw their belated revenge, their worn out enmity, their hearts melted, and they began to relax. Disagreeable to the tongue but pleasant to the eye, the hellish fire under Siranu burned furiously; thick and languorous smoke would fill the western part of the tent. Finally, when the sisters took Takuhi by the arms and led her off the stage, the audience felt regret for having taken pleasure in the pain of others. THE GAZE Right after the Three Ugly Sisters, Snowball Vergin would emerge onto the stage. Or rather he jumped out onto the stage. With him jumped the open syphilis sores all over his body. His mother, who was a famous Galata whore, caught the sickness from a famous sweet little gentleman who lived from his

Samur avcs gayet itaatkr, uval yere brakt, sicimi zd ve bir adm geri ekildi. Skntl bir sessizlik oldu odada. Derken, uvaln iindeki ey, bouk iniltiler arasnda, nce kafasn sonra da tm gvdesini dar kard. Bu esnada burnundaki yarayla oynayan askeri vali aknlktan, yarasnn en hassas kabuunu yolup kanatt iin, bir mddet acdan konuamad. Kendine geldiinde, ilk ii, bir yandan Timofei Ankidinov'un srtn svazlarken, bir yandan da uvaln erefine kadeh kaldrmak oldu. Dibini bulan her kadeh hzla tazelenirken, ayn cmleyi kimbilir kanc kez sylyordu. "Byle bir irkinlii herkes grmeli!" Tobolsk'da, havasz, bask bir barakada, tahta, yuvarlak bir masann zerine kp dans ederdi Samur-Olan. Tccarlar, avclar, maceraperestler, srgnler, kanun kaaklar, din adamlar, Kossaklar, fahieler, arn casuslar, yksek grevliler ve onlarn uaklar, yani hasbelkader yolu bu cra diyara den kim varsa, hncahn masann etrafn saran kalabala karr; kfrler, satamalar, barlar arasnda ikisini yudumlayp, Samur-Olan' seyrederdi. Tobolsk askeri valisi de her akam buraya urayp, ortal kolaan eder; seyircilerden toplanan miktar hesaplard. Timofei Ankidinov'u, biraz para bolca tehdit ile devreden kardndan beri kazancn tamam kendisine aitti. Keyfine diyecek yoktu. Her akam, SamurOlan' grmeye gelenlerden, en az iki kzak dolusu samur krkne bedel para kazanyordu. 59 in asl u ki, olan, kabilenin yeni aman olamad gibi, samurla insan aras bir yerlerde takl kalmt. Artk o bir samur-insand. nk bir samurla ruhda idi. Ve o ters evrilmi sepetin iinde, ruhunun dengi olan ruha nihayet kavuaca an geldiinde; yani samurun ruhunu iine ekip kendi ruhunu onun iine fleyecei an geldiinde; yani kabilenin yeni aman olmak iin gereken kesrete tomurcuklanarak, samurla nce iki iken bir, sonra bir iken iki olaca an geldiinde; srf

inheritance. The poor woman tried everything she could to get rid of the burden in her womb, but she gave up when she realised the baby, who was nourished not only by his mothers blood, but the also by time itself, clung to her womb like a mussel clinging to its shell. The wealthy gentleman swore that he would undertake the treatment, but a few months before the baby was born he found that both his fortune and his desire had been consumed.Vergin was born gasping for breath and with sores all over him. He was a half-wit from birth; he could not understand the clumsiness he saw. But Vergin grew anyway, not little by little, but by leaps and bounds. He grew so quickly that when he stopped to catch his breath he could see the changes in his body. He bent over and looked with curiosity between his thighs. Amazing. There wasnt even a single sore there. None of the festering wounds that had pierced his body, none of the aches that left his mind shorn, nor the memories that gripped the heart/ none of them, none of them had touched him there. He was pleased. He called his crotch snowball. No one asked him the meaning of snowball, and he didnt explain it to anyone. Indeed all of the personalities around him hadnt been given their share of gratitude from the world, but had been given too many nicknames. Vergin s nickname was accepted without question in the sidestreets of Galata. He didnt grow much after that day. Because hed already grown enough. He grew just like a snowball rolling down a hill, and the more he grew the further downhill he rolled. And he lived in his own haggard, tattered world, with his low and untamed dreams, just like a snowball that melted itself with its own warmth. While the shouting of passers-by echoed off sinister houses on the streets of ill-repute and broke up, happy faces, young, tender bodies scattered ELIF SHAFAK one by one; lifting wine glasses as they slowly chiselled names on tombstones, only Snowball Vergin, only he remained the same. He was neither bound to life nor was life

dardan bir el sepeti ap, davetsiz bir ift gz grlmemesi gerekeni grd diye ve gzlerden kan k o en mahrem an yrtp paralad iin, her ey yarm kalmt. Ayn vcutta ayr dmt ruhda olanlar. Artk o birsamur-insand. Yans samur, yans insand. Talihsiz bir mahluktu ve talihsiz irkinliiyle tehir edilmeye mahkm. Samur-Olan gndzleri, ayandaki zincirlerin msaade ettii kadar genileyebilen bir halkann ortasnda oturup nne atlan yiyecekleri kemiriyordu. Karn doyunca, halkann kenarlarn koklaya koklaya, nasl bir dnyann ortasnda olduunu anlamaya alyordu. Akamlan barakadaki masann zerine kp kendini tehir ediyordu. O kadar irkin, o kadar acayipti ki, srf onu grebilmek iin yolunu deitirip Tobolsk'a urayanlar vard. Glyordu insanlar ona bakarken. Grnndeki dehetengiz vahilie ramen, gayet itaatkrd. Asla diklenmiyordu. Harfi harfine yerine getiriyordu sylenenleri. Masann zerinde kh hoplayp zplyor, kh kenara yaklap izleyenlerin kendisine dokunmasna izin veriyor, kh arkasn dnp kuyruuyla havada daireler iziyordu. Bir de sk sk drt ayak zerinde dnerek kuyruunu yakalamaya alyordu. Ne zaman byle yapsa glmekten krlyordu seyirciler. Ne zaman glmekten krlsalar bir eyler frlatyorlard tahta, yuvarlak masann zerine; ya dillerindeki kfrleri, ya ayaklarndaki izmeleri, ya bardaklarnn dibinde kalan iecekleri, ya da kucaktan kucaa dolaan fahieleri/ . O bir samur-oland. Tez zamanda, senelerin krk ticaretinin kazandrabileceinden ok daha fazlasn kazandrd askeri valiye. Derken bir akam, her zamanki gibi masann zerinde gsteri yaparken, yere yld. Yzler yzlere, sesler seslere kart. Baylmt. Hastalanmt. Takip eden gnlerde askeri vali ehirdeki btn hekimleri barakaya toplad. Ne var ki, hekimlerden hibiri SamurOlan'n hastalnn adn koyamad, aresini bulamad. Hastann gnbegn eridiini gren ve adamakll telaa kaplan askeri vali, en sonunda kodeste tuttuu samanlardan yardm istedi.

bound to him. Just then, Keramet Mumi Kegke Memi Efendi appeared. When they sensed that this man, about whom all of the whores of Galata loved to tell strange stories, wanted Vergin instead of any of the beautiful women present, there was a commotion. But because they had long since become inured to all of the strange things in the world, the commotion soon died down. Snowball Vergin took his sack and left this damp and dingy place that he considered home. When he first stepped out onto the stage, his eyes were as wide as saucers as he looked at the crowd before him. Hundreds of eyes were on him; they were spread out in groups in the darkness. He was quite pleased with the situation. From that day to this, every evening, he would wait his turn impatiently in the westward-facing section of the cherry-coloured tent, and when the time came he would rush like an arrow onto the stage. After Snowball Vergin it was the snake-charmers turn. When the ladies saw the snake-charmer, with a silver amulet on his arm, hoop earrings on his ears, and a cummerbund around his waist, they went pale with fear. Those of them who were pregnant closed their eyes tight. By now the snake-charmer would have reached the centre of the stage; he would greet the audience by raising his eyebrows slightly and gently nodding his head, and open the basket.The ladies held their breath, and clung to each other to keep from fainting. The snake would emerge from the basket, slither to the edge of the stage, and stare with its emerald-green eyes. As it stared and was stared at, the audience began to see. The world was reflected in reverse in the snakes eyes. In the world shown in the mirror of its eyes, virgins were widows, and masters were slaves. It was crawling with life under the black earth; it flowed into those who stepped on it. Among the thirsty tree roots, its rotten bones, its evil vipers, its useless structure, wasted THE GAZE

Samanlarn iinde yalnzca 60 biri, bir samurla ruhda olan, kabul etti Samur-Olan'a bakmay. SamurOlan iyilemiti iyilemesine de, eer ona bir ey olursa, para kaynann tamamen kuruyacan anlayan askeri valiyi bir korkudur almt. i ansa brakmadan, muhakkak dl alnmalyd bu acayip mahluktan. Tpk kendisi gibi yan insan, yar hayvan ocuklar olmalyd. ok gemeden, Samur-Olan' bir fahienin koynuna soktular. SamurOlan, nce yata, ardndan fahieyi, sonra da yatakta fahieyle yatan kendini koklad. Ter ve i, dk ve iki, duman ve srgn kokulannn arasndan incecik bir sa telini ekip kartrcasna dikkatle bir kenara ayrd u hayatta en sevdii kokuyu, tek sevdii kokuyu: souun kokusunu! Sevdii kokuyu doya doya koklarken, fahieye hi zorluk karmad. Her zamanki gibi itaatkrd. Aylar sonra, insan iin erken, hayvan iin ge bir zamanlamayla ikizlerini dourdu fahie. lk doan bebekte hibir tuhaflk yoktu. Darda beklemeye tahamml edemediinden, yatan etrafnda voltalar atan askeri vali suratn buruturarak bakt bebee. Asab bozulmutu. Derken, ikinci bebek de geldi. nce ban uzatt dan; ba bir insan bayd. Sonra belden aas ve en nihayetinde, slak, clz kuyruu kt ortaya. Vcudunun alt taraf samurdu. Askeri vali sevin lklan atarak havaya kaldrd samur-bebei. Fahienin eline birka altn sktrd. Onu ve ilk doan bebei orada brakarak, kucanda yeni hazinesiyle birlikte evin yolunu tuttu. Asrlar boyu btn samurocuklann ikizleri oldu. Her seferinde, ikizlerden biri insan, dieri samur-insan olarak dodu. Samur-bebeklerin bazlar kz, bazlan oland. kizlerden insan olanlann hayatta kalma anslan dkt, akbetleri ise mehul. kizlerden yar insan yar hayvan olanlara gelince, onlar yaayacak ve nce askeri valinin, sonra da onun ocuklarnn, torunlarnn ve torunlarnn torunlarnn servetine servet katmay srdreceklerdi. te bylece, ireti bir tesadfle

seeds, among the wriggling worms, satin was sackcloth, shining copper coins were worthless. The worms gnawed at the young and the old, the rich and the poor with equal appetite. They were everywhere. They made a faint crunching sound as they gnawed; they could destroy the world with this faint crunching sound. If a sacrifice was performed on the dome of the city, and divided into pieces, with equal portions being placed in bowls in front of them, it wouldnt even begin to satisfy their appetite. When death takes a persons life, it leaves behind his cloak; when fire consumes a newborn baby, it doesnt touch the gold its wearing. In a world like this one would rather be a cloak than the person wearing it; or be born as gold rather than as the baby wearing it. It was a description of hell; not a hell after death, but a hell within lifes bosom. At this stage of the show, the women who couldnt look into the snakes eyes any more, jumped screaming to their feet. Nauseating, bright yellow bugs were crawling around their ankles, their throats and their earlobes. The women would hastily begin taking off all their jewellery and throwing it onto the stage. Everyone wanted to purify themselves; to purify themselves as quickly and easily as possible and get away from this hell. Then, the mirror closed just as it had opened. The snake-charmer bowed with a slight smile, deliberately picked up the jewellery that had been thrown onto the stage and put it into his basket, and then, in contrast to his slowness of a moment before, rushed off the stage as if he was fleeing. The snake slithered after its master like a whistled melody. After the snake-charmer, Madame Kinar would come out with her puppets. She had little puppets on each of her ten fingers. She would represent the natural world through them. For a deluge, she would spray the place with water; for hail she would break the branches of young trees; for a wind storm she would tear apart a birds nest; for a flood she would sweep the crops

birbirlerinin yoluna kan iki arsz sarmak misali, kaderleri i ie geti iki soyaacnn. Asrlar boyu, askeri valinin kanndan gelenler ile Samur-Olan'n kanndan gelenler, birbirlerinden ayrlmadlar. Her kuakta, askeri valinin soyadn tayan, tehir eden oldu; Samur-Olan'n illetini tayan ise tehir edilen. Belki de bu iki silsilename ilelebed birbirlerinden kopmaya-cakt. Tabii eer askeri valinin torunlarnn torunlarndan biri, istemeden dahil olduu bu upuzun zincirin en son halkasn gevetmeseydi. in asl, askeri valinin torunlarnn torunlarndan biri olan bu 61 adam, babasndan devrald ii srdrmeye hi hevesli deildi. Geri elindeki Samur-Kz kendi soyaacnn en irkin halkalarndan biri olduundan uvalla para getirebilirdi ama askeri valinin torunlarnn torunlarndan birinin istedii bu deildi. O, kklerinin topranda dedelerinin mesleini srdrmek yerine, herkesi buyur ettii sylenen yeni ktaya yerleip, denenmemiliklere filiz vermek istiyordu. Bunun hayaliyle yanp tutuuyor ama bir trl ne Samur-Kz'dan, ne de devrald mirastan kurtulabiliyordu. Derken gnlerden bir gn, askeri valinin torunlarnn torunlarndan birinin kapsn bir ulak ald. Ulak tek kelime etmeden koynundan kard mhrl mektubu uzatt, cevab beklemeye koyuldu. Mektupta SamurKz'n hretini iittiini syleyen tuhaf isimli biri onu satn almak istiyor, karlnda da son derece cmert bir teklif yapyordu. Askeri valinin torunlarnn torunlarndan biri fazla tereddt etmedi. Nicedir iinden geenleri, nihayet Tanr'nn da iittiine hkmederek teklifi kabul etti. Gerisi hzla tamamland. Ulak vine rengi kadife keselerde altnlar teslim ederken, teki adam da Samur-Kz'n zerindeki btn haklarn mektubu gnderen o tuhaf isimli kiiye devrettiini gsteren yazy yazd. Ayn gnn akam, ulak ve SamurKz yola koyulmak zereydiler ki, askeri valinin torunlarnn torunlarndan biri pelerinden seyirtti. Samur-Kz'n nereye gtrldn merak etmiti. O ana kadar azn bak amayan ulak,

away; for drought ELIF SHAFAK she would burn the soil; for famine she would empty the granaries; for a typhoon she would spray on whoever was in front of her; for a cyclone she would swallow all living creatures; for fire she would roast; for an earthquake she wouldnt leave a stone standing. There was no evil that nature did not inflict on mankind. When the dust settled, an anxious silence would fall over the audience. Seeing all of these natural disasters one after another had unsettled the ladies and spoiled their fun. On top of that, everyone knew there was worse to come. Because it was the SableGirls turn to appear on stage. When it was the Sable-Girls turn, darkness would fall inside the cherry-coloured tent. Pregnant women would writhe in distress, babies would start to cry, elderly women would recite all the prayers they knew one after another; virgins and widows, believers and unbelievers, poor and rich, all of the women came together, and held their breath. In that momentary darkness, it would cross their minds that the door of the tent must still be open. That is, they could get out; right now they could get away. Changing ones mind was certainly possible. But how was it possible to change ones mind when the moment theyd been waiting for had arrived? Some of the women whod come to the tent for the first time couldnt sit still; they would approach the stage with trembling steps, trying to imagine what this demon would be like. But such terrifying monsters appeared before them that they were shaken out of their dreams, and pulled back. Indeed, for the few minutes before the Sable-Girl took the stage, every single woman combed her most secret fear out of her hair, and out of the tangles of her brain. With every passing minute it became less tolerable, as fear incited fear. It wasnt the object of fear but fear itself that was so frightening. And fear was everywhere; it leaned against every corner and grew everywhere. It could attack from the ground at any moment. In these moments the women

dudann bir kenarn hafife aa sarktarak cevap verdi. "Bat'ya! ehr-i stanbul'a!" 62 Pera- 1885 Akam ezanndan sonra, yokuun tepesindeki vine rengi adrn batya bakan kaps kadnlar iin alrd. te o zaman kadnlar er beer girmeye balard yokuun tepesindeki vine rengi adrn batya bakan kapsndan ieri. Grltlerini de beraberlerinde getirerek. Al maskeli kadn yapard. Bir dehet annn tanklnda donakalmasna prtlemi gzleri, ar kovannda bala svmesine iip sarkm dili, ileriye doru heybetle atldktan sonra nedense yn deitirip alt dudana kadar dmdz uzanan kocaman burnu ve bklm bklm kllarla kapl sipsivri enesiyle hakikaten korkuntu yzne takt maske. Maskeli kadn, hibir ey demeden, hibir ey yapmadan ylece dikilirdi sahnede. Sanki mr boyu beklemesi sylenmiti de, o da itaat etmi bekliyordu; neyi, niye bilmeden. Derken, hi umulmadk bir anda, yzndeki maskeyi indiriverirdi. Bir hayret nidas ykselirdi seyircilerden. Zira imdi grdkleri yz, tpatp aynyd bir ncekiyle. Uzaktan, ok uzaklardan bir keman sesi duyulurdu, belli belirsiz. Keman susunca, yz maskesi, maskesi yz olan irkin kadn zarif bir edayla seyircileri selamlard. Onun iaretiyle, ar ar alrd saaklar eprimi mor kadife perdeler. Sahnede, bir sarp uurumun dibinde, altnda cayr cayr ate yanan kapkara kazann iinde, zebanilerle evrelenmi bir halde kantosunu sylemeye balard ufak tefek, irkince bir kadn. smi Siranu idi; sesiyse incecik. Pek gzeldin, pek latiftin Brek olsan seni yerdim Az soanl, bol etliydin Lafa daldm, dibin tuttu Gnl bu hemen unuttu Kanto bitince, zebaniler Siranu'un kazann kenara ekerlerdi, altndaki atele birlikte. O orada boncuk boncuk ter dkp, hoppalklarnn cezasn ekerken, irkinler kard sahneye. de birbirinden irkin kzkarde: Mari, Takuhi, Agavni. Birinde bir, tekinde iki, brnde meme

didnt have a chance to look at the stage because they were busy protecting themselves from the fear before them, behind them, beside them and around them. If theyd THE GAZE looked, they could have seen that the Sable-Girl had long since taken the stage and was watching the trembling audience with her sableblack eyes. A little later, a huge fire was lit on the stage in order to draw the spectators attention in that direction. And then all of the women who just a moment ago had been knitting sweaters from the letters of fear all screamed for help in unison. The Sable-Girl was before them, the show had begun. The Sable-Girl greeted those who watched her in terror in an indifferent manner. Of the thousands of eyes upon her, she only valued a single, watery eye. Every evening when she took the stage, she watched this eye that was watching her. She watched its watching. The mallet would come down, the drum would resound. The Sable-Girl would start a laboured belly dance. The furs she was wearing were long enough to sweep the ground, and ample enough to cover her body completely. They were definitely made of sable. Among the women who filled the tent were some who had coveted these furs and had had similar furs sewn for them. As the Sable-Girl gyrated on the stage, they involuntarily stroked their own furs. Now the tent was as quiet and as calm as could be. This moment of indifference was as innocent as a dove flying through the sky unaware of the letter around its neck. The mallet descended, the drum resounded. With harsh movements the Sable-Girl would take off her furs. She would be left stark naked. Shed approach the edge of the stage and, making strange sounds, would rain centuries-old curses upon the audience. Like all of her ancestors she fearlessly displayed her monumental ugliness. Like all of her ancestors she was fearlessly ugly. The top half of her body belonged to a woman, and the bottom half of her body belonged to an animal. The mallet descended, the drum resounded. Suddenly, like a

vard. Yan yana dizilip, ayn anda memelerini hoplata hoplata raks ederlerdi. Gz ucuyla birbirlerini szp, birbirlerinin an aramaktan, ekseriya seyircileri de, sahnede oldukla63 rn da unutuverirlerdi. Mari, eksik olan memesinin hrsz olmakla itham ettii Agavni'den nefret ederdi. Agavni, fazla bir memenin ykn tatt iin Mari'den nefret ederdi. Her ikisi de, u hayatta en ok Takuhi'den nefret ederdi. ki memesiyle kardelerinin eksiini fazlasn yzlerine vuran, bala dm inci gibi kara kara yan, irkinliine ramen serden ehven olan Takuhi'den. Baz akamlar, sinirlerine hkim olamayan Mari ve Agavni raks yanda kesip, sille tokat Ta-kuhi'ye giriirdi. Onlar vurduka, gecikmi intikamlarn, paslanm dmanlklarn, bastrlm hnlarn yreklerine balad yalarn usul usul eridiini gren seyirciler de lk lk geverdi. Dile naho gelen, gze ho grndke, Siranu'un altndaki cehennem atei iin iin harlanr, vine rengi adrn batsn youn bir rehavet duman kaplard. Nihayet, kardeleri kollarna girip Takuhi'yi srkleye s-rkleye sahneden karrken, seyirciler de, bakasnn acsndan haz alm olmaktan pimanlk duyard. irkin kzkardein hemen ardndan, Kartopu Vergin kard sahneye. Aslnda, kmaktan ok frlard demeli. Onunla beraber frlard vcudunun muhtelif yerlerinde iek iek am frengi benekleri. Namdar Galata orospularndan olan anas, namdar mirasyedilerden olan bir cici beyden kapvermiti hastal. Kadncaz, rahmindeki ykten kurtulabilmek iin bildii her yolu denemiti denemesine de, anasnn kan kadar zamann anlaryla da palazlanan bebein tpk bir midye gibi kabuuna yaptn anlaynca arnaar pes etmiti. Mirasyedi bey tedaviyi stleneceine yemin etmiti etmesine de, bebein doumuna birka ay kala, hem servetini hem de hevesini oktan tketmi bulunuyordu. Gene de dodu Vergin; kesik kesik alayp, benek benek at dnyaya. Yarmakld doutan; akl sr erdire-medi grd hoyratla. Gene de byd Vergin; hem de yava yava deil,

caged animal, she would let loose all her rage. With her tail straight in the air, and growling through her clenched teeth, she would crouch on all fours and prepare to attack, looking ELIF SHAFAK around wildly for a victim, wearing the ancient anger of nature as a weapon. And at the least expected moment, she pawed at the eyes surrounding her. Unlike her greatgreat-grandfather the Sable-Boy, she was not obedient. An ear-splitting voice was heard. Close your eyes! If any of the spectators were still insisting on looking at the stage, they immediately closed their eyes tight when they heard this voice. Every evening the show was punctuated in the same manner. The Sable-Girl would go, the curtain would come down, but the women with their eyes closed tight would continue to remain frozen in place for a moment. As if there was no place left for them to go except this cherry-coloured tent. They werent going to go out the door, they werent going to go down the hill, they werent going to go back. Who knows how long they would have stayed glued to their seats, holding on to the images of what theyd seen. But the same thing happened every evening. A baby would suddenly cry, or one of the old women would be overwhelmed and suddenly fall into a faint. Then, as if theyd received a command, or as if the owner of the house was chasing them out, all of the women would open their eyes and jump to their feet. They would rush out of the tent pushing and shoving each other, trampling on those who had fallen, trying not to look back if possible, as if they were fleeing from a ghost. Every evening without fail, a number of children were torn from their mothers hands and got lost. Some of these children were lost for hours and later were reunited with their mothers in tears, and others would be delivered to angry fathers the next day. It happened that some of these children remained unclaimed, and they would begin to live in the cherrycoloured tent among Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendis strange

kotura kotura. yle hzl bymt ki, ancak soluklanmak iin durduunda fark edebildi vcudundaki deiiklikleri. Eilip merakla bakt ap arasna. Hayret! Tek bir benek bile yoktu orasnda. Ne vcudunu delik deik eden clk yaralar, ne akln krpk krpk brakan beter sanclar, ne de yreini pene pene dalayan bed hatralar/ hibiri ama hibiri oraya dokunamamt. Sevindi. Kartopu ismini verdi ap arasna. Kimse sormad Kartopu'nun hikmetini; o da kimseye anlatmad. Zaten civarn tekmil simalar, dnya nimetlerinden alamadklar nasibi, lakaplardan fazlasyla almlard. Vergin'in lakab da, sessizce kabul grd Galata'nn dm dm dolak semalarnda. 64 Daha fazla koturmad o gnden sonra. Yeterince bymt zira. Tpk bir kartopu gibi karl doruklardan yuvarlana yuvarlana bym, daha da bymeyi daha da aalara dmekten ibaret sanmt. Ve tpk bir kartopu gibi kendi ssyla kendini eriterek yaad kendi szgn ve hrpani leminde, engin ve yabani hayallerinde. Gelen gidenin yaygaras, ad km sokaklarn srkp evlerine arpp paralanrken; en ehreler, krpe bedenler birer birer tarumar olurken; erefine kadeh kalkan isimler peyderpey mezar talarnn zerine kaznrken, bir tek Kartopu Vergin, bir tek o, hep ayn kald. Ne hayat ona iliti, ne de o hayata. Derken, Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi kverdi. Galata'nn btn orospularnn hakknda tuhaf tuhaf hikyeler anlatmaya bayld bu adamn, onca gzel dururken illa ki Vergin'i kapatmak istedii duyulunca, yle bir kart ortalk. Ama dnyann trl acayipliklerini oktan kanksamlarn yaad yerde abucak duruldu sular; ksa srd pazarlk. Kartopu Vergin ufack bir bohayla ayrld ev belledii izbeden. Sahneye ilk knda falta gibi alm gzlerle bakt karsndaki kalabala. Yzlerce gz vard zerinde; benek benek salmlard karanla. Pek holand bu durumdan. O gn bugndr, her akamst, vine

creatures. The forgotten children in the westward-facing section of Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendis cherrycoloured tent would advance, stepby-step, day-by-day, they were bent into shape, through a variety of illnesses, embracing a number of crises, passing THE GAZE from apprenticeship to mastery of ugliness with castrated smiles and nocturnal anger. When the time was just right, they would take their places on the stage and cut through this place of confusion with earsplitting screams. Istanbul-1999 zahir.Zahir,one of the ninety-nine names of God, means'He who doesn't hide from sight.' Dont move! I dont know why, but I wasnt at all pleased that the man had said this. And there was no need for him to repeat his warning. I wasnt moving. And I knew what my motionlessness resembled. My motionlessness resembled a hardworking ant running around a dead bee lying on its back at the bottom of an empty water glass; from the same starting point it always watched the world turn, and turn again, with the same delighted amazement. My motionlessness was like a memory that resembled a consumptive spitting out his unforgettable memories into a handkerchief; spending each day in quarantine infecting his sickness with loneliness. My motionlessness was like the warm, yellowish pudding thats poured over homemade cakes; it slowly covered everything with its sweetness. Of course the water glass had an outside; a land where my memory was exempt from coughing or a layer that the pudding had not yet covered. Me, I wasnt outside in that dry, faraway land but: I wasnt m-o-v-i-n-g. I was waiting motionlessly because I was stuck in a door again. This kind of thing happens to me all the time when I pass through those double doors and only one side is left open. If I have to confess, I dont fit through this type of door. I have to go through sideways. And even then I get stuck. THE GAZE

rengi adrn batya bakan ksmnda srasn sabrszlkla bekler, vakit geldiinde ok gibi frlard sahneye. Kartopu Vergin'den sonra sra ylanbaza gelirdi. Kolunda gm pazubendi, kulanda halkavi kpesi, belinde srma kua ile ylan-baz gren kadnlarn korkudan beti benzi atard, ilerinden hamile olanlar, hemen gzlerini yumard. Bu esnada ylanbaz sahnenin ortasna varm olur; kalarn yle bir atp boynunu usulca krarak seyircileri selamlar ve sepetin kapan kaldrrd. Kadnlar soluklarn tutar, heyecandan baylmamak iin birbirlerini imdiklerdi. Ylan sepetten kar, sahnenin kenanna kadar srne srne gelir ve zmrt yeili gzleriyle bakard. O baknca ve o baktka, seyirciler grmeye balard. Ylann gzleri tersine dnyann aksiydi. Gzlerinin aynasnn gsterdii dnyada bekrlar duldu, efendiler kul. Kpr kprd kara topran alt; zerine basanlarn iine akard. Susam aa kklerinin, rm kemiklerin, habis engereklerin, abes bir nizamn, heba olmu tohumlarn, kvr kvr solucanlann arasnda atlaslar uldu, l akeler pul. Kocam da krpeyi de, zengini de fakiri de, afiyetle kemirirdi kurtlar. Her yerdeydiler. Belli belirsiz 65 trtlar karrlard kemirirken; belli belirsiz trtlarla yok edebilirlerdi koskoca kinat. ehrin kubbesi knal bir kurbanlk olup paralara ayrlsa ve her bir para adilane taksim edilse nlerindeki kaplara, dilerinin kovuuna bile smazd. lm dediin iindeki can alrken kaftanna dokunmaz; yangn dediin kundaktaki bebekleri kl ederken altn maallahlann tututurmazd. Hal byle iken, lm bu kadar yaknndayken, illa da bir ey olacaksa, kaftan olmalyd insan, kaftan tayan deil; yahut altn olarak domalyd insan, altn takan olmak iin deil. Bu cehennemin tasviriydi; hayattan sonraki deil, hayatn ba-j nndaki cehennemin. \ Gsterinin bu safhasnda, ylann gzlerine daha fazla bakama-yan kadnlar, lk la bararak ayaa frlard. Bileklerinde, gerdanlarnda, kulak memelerinde mide bulandrc, sar

The front door of the Hayalifener Apartments is one of those double doors. One of the wings was bolted to the floor and ceiling, and only a narrow space was left to pass through. Usually Im careful going in and out, but today I was in such a hurry to get home that I found myself in a situation where my sweater had been caught on the lock between the two wings of the door. As if that wasnt bad enough, while I was caught there by the threads of my sweater, I was caught by the neighbourhood ladies returning with their bags from the nearby market. As always, they examined me from head to toe. Just to escape their stares I rushed to move aside and let them through, but I didnt think to take off the sweater first, and I became even more badly entangled. The neighbourhood ladies, after talking for some time about how the unravelled strand could never be restored to its former state but should at least be pulled inside the sweater so it couldnt be seen, and about how this might be done, went inside to their homes. As they were going up the stairs, an old man was coming down. I moved aside to let him pass too. But instead of looking and passing by like the others, he insisted on staying to help and took it upon himself to get me out of the situation and to rescue the strand from my sweater. For close to ten minutes he struggled with his trembling hands and his weak eyes, telling me again and again not to move. Having to wait without moving, I was reminded of how it was for B-C in the studio. One day a week he modelled there for hours. He felt like a slave, on his way to be sold at a festival, who felt something deep in his heart, knowing that he would never see in the falcon mirror the reflection of the time when he could run free and hunt. He looked hopelessly at the merchants and customers at the auction. It didnt make any difference who bought him; either that one or the other one. So with indifference he posed for people he didnt know. He doesnt know why he goes to that miserable studio, or why he behaves this way; I find it odd that hes

san bcekler geziniyordu. Kadnlar telala btn ziynet eyalarn kartp sahneye atmaya balard. Herkes arnmak istiyordu; mmkn olan en abuk ve en kolay ekilde arnarak cehennemden uzaklamak. Derken, ald gibi kapanrd ayna. Ylanbaz, dudaklarnda belli belirsiz bir tebessmle eilip selam verir, sahneye frlatlan btn taklan birer birer sepetine atar ve ardndan, az evvelki yavalna inat, sanki bir baka yere yetimesi gerekiyormu gibi sratle aynlrd sahneden. Ylansa, slkla alnm bir ezgi gibi ki vnla ki vrla seyirtirdi sahibinin peinden. Ylanbazdan sonra Knar Hanm kard, kuklalanyla birlikte. On parmanda on kk kukla vard. Onlarla bir olup tabiatn taklidini yapard. nce saanak olup ortal suya boar; dolu olup krpe aalarn dallarn krar; bora olup ku yuvalarn paralar; sel olup tarlalarn bereketini nne katar; kuraklk olup topran cann yakar; ktlk olup ambarlar boaltr; tufan olup nne kan boar; hortum olup cmle mahlukat yutar; yangn olup kavurur; zelzele olup ta ta stnde brakmazd. Tabiatn insana yapmad ktlk yoktu. Toz duman yattnda, tedirgin edici bir sessizlik kaplard ortal. Bunca kahr- belay pepee grmek btn kadinlann asabn bozmu, tadn karmt. stelik herkes daha da beterinin gelmekte olduunun farkndayd. nk artk sahne sras SamurKz'nd. Sra Samur-Kz'a geldiinde, karanlk kerdi vine rengi adrn iine. Gebe kadnlar skntyla kvranr, bebekler viyaklamaya balar, ihtiyarlar bildikleri tekmil dualar ard ardna sralar; bakiresi dulu, mmini kfiri, yoksulu zengini btn kadnlar birbirine soku66 lup, soluunu tutard. O anlk karanlkta, adnn kapsnn hl ak olmas gerektiini geirirlerdi akllarndan. kp gidebilirlerdi yani; hemen imdi uzaklaabilirlerdi. Vazgemek de mmknd elbette. Ama vazgemek ne mmknd bunca beklenen an geldiinde! adra ilk defa gelen kadnlardan bazlar heyecandan

so untroubled. ELIF SHAFAK Perhaps I thought it was my duty to take on the anxieties he was neglecting. In his place I would have been anxious. And when Im anxious I destroy my cuticles. This is a sensitive matter. First, when hunting, one has to flush the prey out into the open. The devils wiles made things difficult for me in regard to my cuticles. Anyway, they are as curious as they are wily. To be curious is to want to see; this was the weakest point of my cuticles, the cause of their downfall. In the drawer where I hid what I saw as a child, there was an attendant from a womans bathhouse who looked like an ogre. With all her strength, the woman was scrubbing a child who was so thin that you could count her bones. I cant get it out of my mind. As the giant attendant, on her knees, scrubbed off layer after layer of skin and dripped drops of sweat onto the heated marble, she was making kissing sounds. She knew well that, as the skin was made sleepy by the steam and the scrubbing, the rough cloth she was using would soon be black with dirt. Because the dirt loved to have kisses sent to it. It would immediately stick its head out to see who was blowing it kisses. The sound of the bath attendants kisses was like a sirens call. The dirt that came out of the childs body turned its rudder without thinking and didnt even have time to think that this melody was a sad and bankrupt death. When the rocks ground up the huge ships, because of the excitement of the overseas discovery, not a single bone was left behind. The dirts corpse, draining away with the filthy water of the bathhouse, was rushing with due speed towards an unknown exit. I laid the same trap for my cuticles that had been used by the huge bath attendant Id seen when I was a child. I called them with kisses and they stuck their little heads out to see where the sound was coming from. Then I bit each one of them off with my teeth. The taste was unpleasant, but it wasnt about taste. Sometimes it hurt; and sometimes the area around my

yerlerinde duramaz; titrek admlarla sahneye yaklap, nceden kestirmeye alrlard nasl bir ifritin yaklamakta olduunu. Ama ylesine dehetengiz canavarlar gelirdi ki gzlerinin nne, kendi hayal dnyalann-dan rkp, geri ekilirlerdi. Aslnda, Samur-Kz'n sahneye kmasndan nceki o birka dakika boyunca, adrdaki kadnlardan her biri en sakl korkusunu salanndan srkleye srkleye karm olurdu beyninin kvrmlanndan. Geen her dakika daha da dayanlmaz hale gelirdi, korku korkuyu kkrttndan. Korkulan deil, korkuydu bylesine korkun olan. Ve korku her yerdeydi; her keye abanm, heFbucakta palazlanmt. Her an her yerden saldrabilirdi. tte bu dakikalarda, kadnlar korkuyla nlerini arkalarn, yanlarn yrelerini kollamaktan, sahneye bakmaya frsat bulamazlard. Eer baksalard, Samur-Kz'n oktan sahneye km olduunu ve samur karas gzleriyle karsnda tir tir titreyen kalabal seyrettiini grebilirlerdi. Az sonra, srf seyircilerin dikkatini o yne ekmek iin, kocaman bir ate yanard sahnede. te o zaman, deminden beri korkunun harflerinden kazaklar ren kadnlar hep bir azdan feryad basard. Samur-Kz karlanndayd. Gsteri balard. Samur-Kz dehetle kendisine bakanlar kaytsz bir edayla selamlard. zerindeki binlerce gz, tek ve sulu bir gz addederdi. Her akam sahneye ktnda, kendini seyreden gz seyrederdi. Seyrediliini seyrederdi. nerdi tokmak, inlerdi davul. Samur-Kz ar ar balard raks etmeye. zerindeki krk yerleri sprecek kadar uzun, gvdesini tamamen kapatacak kadar boldu. Samurdu muhtemelen. adra doluan kadnlann arasnda, bu krke zenip benzerini diktirenler de vard. Samur-Kz sahnede salnrken, onlar da gayri ihtiyari kendi samur krklerini okard. imdi alabildiine sakin, alabildiine dingindi adnn ii. Boynunda tad mektubun nasl bir kyma sebep olacan bilmeden gkyznde szlen bir haber gvercini ne kadar masumsa, ite o kadar masumdu bu koy vermilik n. nerdi tokmak, inlerdi davul.

cuticles bled. Sometimes I completely forgot that they existed; and sometimes I bit them off so regularly that I had to wait a long time for new ones to emerge. THE GAZE Being fat doesnt just make me irritable, it also makes me anxious. Whenever I went to see B-C at the studio, I became so anxious that I didnt have any cuticles left. I just couldnt understand. How could a person display himself; and why? B-C would leave my questions unanswered. On top of that he would say, Thats the way it is, out of stubbornness.Thats how what is? What is stubbornness? Perhaps I didnt want to understand. zaman (time): When the cruel bullies of the neighbourhood cut off the black cat's tail, she licked her two new-born kittens clean and then abandoned them. One of the kittens was taken by the people on the top floor, and the other was taken by the people on the bottom floor. The one taken by the people on the top floor was robust, and grew quickly; the one on the bottom floor grew, but very slowly. Both cats were eating the same food. Time passed differently on the top floor and the bottom floor. The people on the bottom floor kept their clocks by the people on the top floor, but they were always late. When they saw the cats, the inhabitants of the house began to believe that they could see time. On the top floor time was sleek and fat, and on the bottom floor time was weak and puny. Years passed in this manner. The cats grew older.The cat on the top floor soon became ungainly, the cat on the bottom floor aged slowly. Now time was proceeding backwards. The studio belonged to an artist who was approaching sixty and who spent all of his time and money making himself look more interesting. Except for Sundays, there were different groups of students who came at different hours and on different days. And every evening there was a different model. Monday was B-Cs day. Every Monday evening B-C, wearing a purple velvet cape that I dont know where

Samur-kz sert hareketlerle krkn kanrd. nlplak kalrd. Sahnenin kenanna yaklap, korkun sesler kartarak yzyllar ncesinden devrald laneti lapa lapa ya-dnrd seyircilerinin zerine. Btn akrabalar gibi pervaszca tehir 67 ederdi abidev irkinliini. Btn akrabalar gibi pervaszca irkindi. Vcudunun st ksm bir kadna, alt taraf ise bir hayvana aitti. nerdi tokmak, inlerdi davul. Aniden, kapana kslm vahi bir hayvan gibi fkesini azad ederdi. Kuyruunu dimdik havaya kaldrp smsk skt dilerinin arasndan hrlayarak, delici baklaryla bir kurban arayarak, tabiatn kadim fkesini bir zrh gibi kuanarak, drt ayak zerinde saldrya geerdi. Ve hi beklenmedik bir anda, penelerini ge-iriverirdi etrafn kuatan gzlere. Yani o, hi de itaatkr saylmazd, bykbykbyk dedesi SamurOlan'n aksine. Yrtc bir ses kulaklar trmalard: "Yum gzn!" Seyircilerin arasnda eer hl sahneye bakmakta srar eden birisi kalmsa, bu sesi duyar duymaz can havliyle gzlerini yumard. Her akam hep ayn ekilde noktalanrd gsteri. Samur-Kz gider, perde iner, ama gzlerini smsk yummu kadnlar daha uzunca bir mddet mhlanmasna beklemeye devam ederdi. Bu vine rengi adrdan baka gidecek bir yerleri kalmamt sanki. kamayacaklard kapdan, inemeyeceklerdi yokuu, dnemeyeceklerdi geri. Yerlerine yapp, grdklerine tutunarak ylece kalabilirlerdi, kimbilir ne vakte kadar. Ama her akam ayn eyler olurdu. Aniden bir bebek alar, ya da bunca heyecana dayanamayan ihtiyarlardan biri appadak dp baylrd. te o zaman, byk yerden komut almasna ya da evsahibi tarafndan kovulmuasna, gzlerini ap ayaa frlard btn kadnlar. Birbirlerini ite kaka, yere denlerin zerine basa basa, bir hayaletten kaarcasna ve mmkn olduunca dnp de arkaya bakmamaya alarak, srsepet karlard adrdan dar. Bu hengmede, hemen hemen her akam birka ocuk annesinin elini

he found, would climb onto a stage about five hands high, sit on his stool, and commence not moving. While B-C posed, the students would draw his pose onto their canvasses. He got a ten minute break. Afterwards, B-C ELIF SHAFAK would climb on to the little stage one more time, sit on his stool, and throw off the purple velvet cape that I dont know where he found. Hed be left completely naked. His whole body was exposed. I would have fallen through the floor in embarrassment. His stance on top of the stool was so precarious; it looked as if he could fall down at any moment. I think that by doing this he made the students work more difficult. Because it forced them to make ephemeral drawings rather than those that might last. His stance was not as lasting as a deeply rooted tree, or as a tick fastened with all its might to its victim, nor a fairytale thats refreshed as its told. On the contrary, his stance was as aimless as water from a spring that could emerge from any fissure, as wayward as a pole star that wandered from one sky to another each night, as indifferent as moths who dont know the secrets of the dreams of the corners where they flutter. It was as if, even though he was here at that moment, he could get up and leave at any moment. For this reason, the students were gripped by an unnecessary panic, and missed details in order to finish their drawings as soon as possible. But I think it was the strangeness of his eyes rather than the ephemeral nature of his stance that made the students work difficult. Sometimes, though not always, B-Cs eyes were reduced to two short, thin lines, and it was as if/ as if they were closing. At times like these his eyes didnt express anything, and you couldnt put a finger on what he felt. I noticed something. When B-Cs eyes were closed, none of the students drawings resembled any of the others. I dont think B-C was aware of this, because he didnt see the drawings, or the students. He just looked around with an aimless

yitirip kaybolurdu. Bu ocuklarn bazlar saatler sren aramalardan sonra gzyalar arasnda annelerine kavuurken, bazlar da ertesi gnlerde fkeli babalan tarafndan teslim alnrd. Arada olur da sahipsiz kalan ocuklar karsa eer, onlar da, Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'nin acayip mahluklar .arasna karmak zere vine rengi adrda yaamaya balard. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'nin vine rengi adrnn batya bakan ksmnda unutulmu ocuklar gnbegn erilip brlerek, deste deste marazlar, kucak kucak buhranlar edinerek, idi edilmi glleri, gececil fkeleriyle adm adm yrrlerdi irkinliin raklndan ustalna. Vakit tamam olduunda, onlar da sahnedeki yerlerini alr ve kulak trmalayc bir ses kesilirlerdi bu gayya kuyusunda. 68 STANBUL-1999 zahir: Tann'nn doksandokuz isminden biri olan zahir, "gzden saklanmayan" demektir. "Kprdama!" Bilmem neden, hi holanmyordum adamn bu laf etmesinden.^ Hem, bir kez daha byle bir uyarya gerek yoktu ki. Ben zaten kpr-1 damyordum. Ve zaten biliyordum kprtszlimn neye benzediini. ( Ters dnm su bardann iinde, srtnda bir ar lsyle kouturan \ alkan karncaya benziyordu kprtszlm; hep ayn balang noktasnda, hep ayn ocuksu hayretle bakyordu dnyann yuvarlaklna, yuvarlan tekrarlarna. Unutamad hatralarn lekelerini mendillerine kusan veremli bir hafza gibiydi kprtszlm; karantinada geirdii her gn yalnzln bulatryordu hastalna. Ev yapm pastalarn zerine dklen scak, sarmtrak puding gibiydi kprtszlm; aheste revan yaylyordu peimsra. Su bardann da bir d vard elbette; hafzamn ksrklerinden muaf bir diyar ya da pudingin bulaamad kuru bir katman. Ben, dardaki o uzak ve kuru diyarda deildim ama; deildim ki, k-prdaya-m-yor-dum. Kprdamadan bekliyordum nk gene bir kapya taklmtm. Hani u nedense hep sadece bir taraf ak braklan iki kanatl kaplardan geerken, sk s.k bama gelirdi byle

stare; from here to somewhere else, and from there to the next place. At the same time, the owner was constantly burning heavy incense in the small studio with small windows. When I came home, I stank of oil paint and incense. Despite these things, I cant keep myself from dropping by once in a while. Every time I go to the studio, I go off into the corner THE GAZE and watch him and the watching. The owner of the studio watches the students with furrowed eyebrows, the students watch B-C with meaningful smiles, and B-C looks aimlessly into the distance. As the studio owner looks at the students, and the students look at B-C, and B-C looks into the distance, I hate this studio more and more. But B-C used to tell me that I should do the same thing. Since I was already fat enough to attract the attention of anyone who saw me, and since I was already being watched, then I should go and display myself out of spite. While even the thought of standing there naked and motionless in front of their eyes was enough to freeze my blood, B-C would insist on repeating, Thats how it is, out of stubbornness. On top of this, the owner of the studio was always insisting that I model: Of course, you wont have to use the stool. Well arrange a sofa for you. zarf (envelope): He worked at the post-office for years. For years he licked and sealed the envelopes that elegant ladies didn't want to touch and hurried gentlemen didn't deign to close. He believed that envelopes were essential not because of the addresses they bore but because they concealed what had been written. What made a letter a letter was the fact of its being closed, of being hidden from eyes. On the day he committed suicide he left behind an envelope with its flap open. He put his eyes into it.'He went with his eyes open,'cried those who loved him.They licked the envelope and sealed it in order that he might rest in peace. Dont move! said the man again. Though there was no need for him to say this. I wasnt moving. This kind of thing happens to me

eyler. tiraf etmek gerekirse, bu tr kaplara samyordum. Yanlamasna gemem gerekiyordu. Aksi takdirde taklyordum. Hayalifener Apartmannn d kaps da ite bu ift kanatl kaplardand. Kanatlardan bir tanesi yerden ve yukardan srglerle kapal tutulduundan, geriye, gemek iin darack bir yer kalyordu. Genellikle girip karken dikkat ediyordum ama bugn, bir an nce eve varmak iin acele edince, kendimi birdenbire hrkamn ipliinden kapnn iki kanad arasndaki kilide taklm vaziyette bulmutum. Bu aksilik yetmezmi gibi, bir de orada iplikle bouurken, ellerinde poetlerle semt pazarndan dnen komu kadnlara yakalanmtm. Her zamanki gibi gzlerini dikip, tepeden trnaa incelemilerdi beni. Srf baklarndan kurtulabilmek iin telala kenara ekilip yol vermi ama bunu yaparken hrkay zerimden karmay akl edemediim iin iplii daha da beter sndrmtm. Komu kadnlar, snm bir 69 ipliin bir daha eski haline dnemeyeceini ama gene de dardan grlmemesi iin hrkann iine ekilmesi gerektiini ve bunun nasl yaplacan uzun uzadya anlattktan sonra evlerine girmilerdi. Onlar merdivenlerden karken, yal adam da aa iniyordu. Kenara ekilip ona da yol vermitim. Ama o dierleri gibi bakp gemek yerine, kalp yardm etmekte srar etmi ve beni tamamen devreden kartarak, hrka ipliimi kurtarma iini tek bana stlenmiti. Yaklak on dakikadr titreyen elleri, grmeyen gzleriyle urayor ve ikide bir bana kprdamamam sylyordu. Ama ben zaten kprdamyordum ki. Kprdamadan beklemek zorunda kalmak, Be-Ce'nin resim atlyesindeki halini hatrlatmt bana. Haftada bir gn saatlerce kprdamadan modellik yapyordu orada. Adeta, vaktiyle dilediince koup oynad doann aynasnda bir daha asla suretini gremeyeceini yreinin derinlerinde hisseden bir siyah kle gibi dikiliyordu satla kt panayrda. Umarszca

all the time. Even if I tend to do the right thing in the right place, when I look, everything I touch comes off in my hands; my feet have resisted me, insisting I wont come with you, I wont carry you; my ankles are angrily swollen, my thighs are chapped; my belly has folded itself into layers; ELIF SHAFAK Ive blown my top; my bloodpressure has jumped; my ears are not listening to what I say; my mouth couldnt hold its tongue again; my back is covered in sweat; my legs, seeing their own bulging veins, have given themselves a diagnosis of gangrene and then turned purple in their distress; my skin has discovered new food allergies and is swelling all over; my eyes are watering for no reason/ before I know it Im all over the place. Id bend over and pick up my pieces one by one, but what Ive lost is always more than Ive gathered. No matter how careful I am, I always leave something behind. Something is always left half-done, unfinished, incomplete. My dreams are made of sticks and stones. One flick is enough for them to be level with the floor. An earthquake Id explain to those around me, a terrible earthquake. It helped them to believe that the ground must have shaken. Otherwise the reason for this terrifying shaking was nothing other than my huge body. Indeed thats why all of these things always happened to me. Its all because of my huge body that all my life Ive tried to walk as if Im in a crystal shop, in the best of circumstances knocking over a few shelves and smashing their contents to bits. zayiqe (astrology): Looking at the state of the sky in order to see fortunes on earth is called astrology. Astrology is the name given to the charts useful for seeing where the lively stars will be at any given time. It was clear that the man had good intentions, but also that he was old and inept. As he was struggling I was looking at the top floor of the Hayalifener Apartments. B-C was above, and I was below. Im down below because the thread thats been caught has neither

bakyordu mezad malclarna, muhtemel alclarna. Hi fark etmezdi kime dt; ha o, ha br. te byle bir kaytszlk iinde poz veriyordu hi tanmad insanlara. O sevimsiz atlyeye niin gittiini, nasl byle davranabildiini anlayamyor; kaygszln yadrgyordum. Galiba Be-Ce'nin ihmal ettii kayglarn gnln almay boynumun borcu biliyordum. Onun yerine ben kayglanyordum. Ve ne zaman kayglansam, eytan trnaklarm yoluyordum. Hassas bir iti bu. ncelikle, av sakland kovuktan ekip kartmak gerekiyordu. eytan trnaklarmn eytani kurnazl iimi zorlatryordu. Kurnaz olduklar kadar meraklydlar neyse ki. Merak etmek, grmek istemek demekti; bu da, eytan trnaklarmn en zayf noktas, sebeb-i felaketiydi. Kadnlar hamamnda kese yapan zebella gibi bir natr vard kkken grdklerimi sakladm ekmecede. Kadn, kemikleri saylacak kadar zayf bir ocuu keseliyordu vargcyle. Hi aklmdan kmyor. Derinin kat kat soyulduu, terin damla damla szld gbektanda o devanas natr dizlerinin zerinde dorulmu, pck sesleri karyordu. Gayet iyi biliyordu ki, bunca keseden ve buhardan maym olan deri, simsiyah kirlerle dolacakt birazdan. Zira kirler baylrlard kendilerine pck gnderilmesine. Derhal balarn dar kartp bakarlard kimin pck gnderdiine. Denizkzlan-nn, denizcileri yollarndan eden ars gibiydi natrn pckleri. ocuun vcudundan kan kirler de, hi dnmeden eviriyorlard 70 dmeni ve bylesine tatl bir ezginin hazin bir lmn ara namesi olduunu anlamaya vakit bile bulamyorlard. Kayalklar koca gemiyi atr atr ttnde, denizar keiflerin heyecanndan tek bir kemik dahi kalmyordu geride. Kirlerin cesetleri, hamamdaki mazgallarn altndan akan pis sularla beraber, bilinmeyen bir ka doru sratle srkleniyordu. te ben de kkken grdm o irikym natrn sinsi tuzan kurmutum eytan trnaklarma. Ben pcklerle aryordum onlar;

beginning nor end; it grew longer when it was pulled, like a story that wore out the listener with its endlessness. Im down below because I cant fit through doors when one wing is closed. I was stuck; if only I could take off my sweater and save my body. But I cant move because of the man. At one point I considered ringing the bell to call B-C for help. But who wants their lover to see them THE GAZE caught in the front door by the thread of her sweater? Indeed, I still wasnt used to BCs presence. B-C wasnt the problem; I just couldnt believe I had a lover. Sure, when youre as fat as I am you resign yourself to certain things. That is, the rule that A jug of foresight has fewer calories than a sip of disaster applied here. In short, rather than nursing unrealistic fantasies and suffering later, I had decided from the start that no one would ever want me or love me. But since B-C had suddenly appeared in my life, the rules Id lived by no longer seemed important. When I was with him waves washed against my entire length; the advice I gave myself was a sharp stone that could slice the calmness of this sweet water into rings. I didnt listen to it either. My life was like a bulky clock that had been left for broken in a corner, and had suddenly started ticking again for no reason. And I was setting the clock. It was struggling like crazy to make up for having been left behind for so long. It was constandy ticktockticktockticktocking. As always, B-C spoke ill of time; he used to say that tick-tock is the tactic of time. I didnt understand his problem with time. In fact sometimes I didnt know what he was talking about. He talked a lot, and liked to say the strangest things. But I didnt complain. I loved it when he was like that. zehir (poison): A substance that causes death without showing itself. When at last he succeeded in freeing the thread, the old mans eyes shone with pride. He cleared his throat in order to accept the

onlarda sesin nereden geldiini grebilmek iin kmen kafalarn kartyorlard dar. te o zaman, dilerimle ekip kopartyordum her birini. Tadlar hi gzel deildi ama zaten mesele tad deildi. Bazen ok acyordu canm; bazen de kanyordu eytan trnamn evresi. Bazen tamamen unutuyordum varlklarn; bazen de pepee o kadar ok eytan trna yakalyordum ki, yenilerinin kmas iin epeyce beklemem gerekiyordu. imanlk beni sadece sinirli deil, kaygl da yapyordu. Be-Ce'yi grmek iin resim atlyesine uradm zamanlarda kayglarm o kadar oalyordu ki, yiyecek eytan trna brakmyordum parmaklarmda. Bir trl kavrayamyordum. nsan kendini nasl tehir ederdi; hem niye? BeCe sorularm cevapsz brakyordu. "Madem yle, inadna!" diyordu stelediimde. Madem nasl? nat neye? Anlayamyordum. Anlamak istemiyordum belki de. zaman: Mahallenin gaddar veletlerinin kuyruunu kopard kara kedi, yeni doan iki yavrusunu uzun uzun yalayp temizledikten sonra terk etmiti. Yavrulardan birini alt katta oturanlar ald, tekini de st katta oturanlar. st kattakilerin aldklar yavru hzla byyp, grbzleir-ken; alt katn kedisi de byyordu ama aheste revan. Oysa her iki kedi de aa yukan ayn eyleri yiyorlard. Ayn evin st katnda farkl, alt katnda farkl iliyordu zaman. Alt kattakiler saatlerini hep st kata gre ayarlyor ama hep ge kalyorlard. Kedilere baktka zamann grlebilir bir ey olduuna inanmaya balamt ev sakinleri. st katn zaman gbekliydi; alt katn zaman ise elimsiz. Seneler byle geti. Kediler yalanyorlard. st kattaki kedi hzla hantallayor; alt kattaki kedi kocamakta geri kalyordu. imdi zaman geriye iliyordu. Atlye, btn parasn ve zamann, kendini olduundan daha ilgin gstermeye harcayan, altmna merdiven dayam bir ressama aitti. Pazar hari, farkl gn ve saatlerde farkl renci gruplar

words of thanks and praise he was expecting. He must have loved heroes. He had spent his life searching for young women who had been attacked in dark streets, little children who had been trapped in burning buildings, palace dwellers whose family keepsakes in the form of pearl brooches had been stolen by pickpockets, ship-owners sons who had been kidnapped for ransom. And hed found them; but hed never put any of these opportunities for heroism to use. Time ELIF SHAFAK had been unjust to him; it had not presented new opportunities to make up for those hed missed. Hed always been one step behind, going home after everything was over, filled with regret when he realised what he should have done. He grew old needing to face the same incident again, but time refused to repeat it. When I entered the Hayalifener Apartments holding the wellstretched thread from my sweater, the old man looked after me with anxious eyes. Who was I to have behaved so coarsely? During the twenty minutes hed struggled to help me, hed only looked at my eyes, my sweater and the stretched thread. In his mind, hed given me a form to his own liking, and saw himself helping a young woman. Now, looking at me from behind, he finally perceived the whole of me, and saw me as he hadnt seen me before. He was amazed at how I was able to become so fat. It must be hereditary! He was curious about where I was going. Should he stay and see which flat I went into? On that question it was enough for him to ask his wife. Since the first day, all of the women in the Hayalifener Apartments knew I was going to B-Cs flat. Zeliha: The great vizier's wife was burning with passion for a slave,' laughed the ladies. Zeliha didn't understand that she was expected to punish her eyes for seeing beauty. She was curious about how these ladies, instigators of disaster and experts in gossip, saw this world. Finally one day she invited the ladies to her house to show them what she liked and didn't like. She gave them fruit and knives. Later

gelirdi . Ve her akam baka biri modellik yapard. 71 Pazartesileri Be-Ce'nin gnyd. Her pazartesi akam Be-Ce, nereden bulduunu bilmediim mor kadifeden bir pelerine sarnp, yerden be kar ykseklikteki kk sahneye kar, taburesine oturur ve orada, onlarca rencinin ortasnda, balard kprdamamaya. Be-Ce ylece dururken, renciler de onun ylece duruunu resmederdi tuvallerine. On dakika ara verilirdi. Ardndan, BeCe bir kez daha kk sahneye kar, taburesine oturur ve nereden bulduunu bilmediim mor kadifeden pelerini atard zerinden. rlplak kalrd. Tm vcudu, ortaya kard. Utancmdan yerin dibine geerdim. Taburenin zerinde nasl da iretiydi duruu; her an aa d-verecekmi gibi. Bence onun bu hali rencilerin iini zorlatnyor-du. Zira onlar, kalcl deil, geicilii resmetmeye mecbur brakyordu. Ne yerin yedi kat dibine kk salm bir aa, ne btn benliiyle kurbanna kenetlenmi bir kene, ne de anlatldka tazelenen bir masal kadar kalcyd duruu. Aksine, olsa olsa, her yarktan fkrabilecek bir kaynak suyu kadar gayesiz, her gece baka bir gkyzne kona ge dolaan oban yldz kadar serseri, kenarlarn kemirdikle-ri rya tabirlerinin esrarn bilmeden srtlayan gveler kadar ftursuzdu duruu. imdi, u anda buradayd burada olmasna da, sanki her an kalkp gidebilirdi. Bu sebepten, renciler onu resmederken gayri ihtiyari telaa kaplyor, bir an evvel resmi tamamlamaya altklar iin de ayrntlar karyorlard. Ama bence rencilerin ilerini bu kadar zorlatran ey, Be-Ce'nin duruundaki geicilikten ok, gzlerindeki acayiplikti. Her zaman deil ama bazen, Be-Ce'nin gzleri iki kesik, iki incecik izgiden ibaret kalr ve sanki/ sanki kapanrlard. Byle zamanlarda gzleri hibir ey anlatmaz, ne hissettiini elevermezdi. Dikkat etmitim. Be-Ce'nin gzlerinin kapand zamanlarda rencilerin yapt resimlerden hibiri bir dierine benzemezdi. Be-Ce'nin bunlarn farknda olduunu sanmyorum nk o resimleri de, rencileri de grmyordu.

she presented Joseph to her guests. The ladies couldn't take their eyes off Joseph, and until they left the room they weren't aware that they were slicing their own fingers instead of the fruit. Zeliha was calm and sedate as she gathered the plates;'Look,'she said, 'at what my eyes have drawn to me.' Again I was out of breath when I reached the top floor. Again, my wheezing wouldnt stop. There was no elevator in the building. I THE GAZE wouldnt ride it if there was one. It was better for me to take the stairs. If youre as fat as I am and the elevator breaks while youre in it, its definitely you who has broken it. Once, the elevator I took got stuck between the second and third floor: half an hour later they took me out of there, and my rescue was the source of much amusement. Even today I can still see the meaningful looks they exchanged. But its still better to be stuck in an elevator alone than to get into an elevator with other people. Crowded together in that narrow space, even the politest people look at me from the corners of their eyes, and then at the sign that tells the maximum weight the elevator can carry. They try to guess roughly how much I weigh, and secretly start adding up. Sometimes this secret tension leads to witty remarks from those who are brazen enough to be crowned: Lord, I hope the cable doesnt snap! Its all so meaningless and exaggerated! Of course Im not fat enough to put the elevator in danger. But my appearance becomes more important than anything. Those who end up next to me in a narrow elevator begin thinking with their eyes rather than with common sense. All of this belongs in the past. Theres no elevator in the Hayalifener Apartments. zenne: A man who plays women's parts in the theatre. With the key in my hand, I stood in front of the door waiting for my wheezing to subside. I didnt want B-C to hear me coming. Because I wanted to see what he did when I wasnt there, or to intrude on his solitude. For some time now, hes

Kendisini grenleri grmedii iin, onlarn gzlerinden nasl grndn de grmyordu. O sadece, kaytsz bir nazarla bakyordu; orada bir yere, buradan teye. Bu esnada, atlye sahibi de durmadan ar kokulu ttsler yakyordu kendi kk, pencereleri kk atlyesinde. Eve dndmde, yalboya ve tts kokuyordum buram buram. Gene de, ara sra da olsa oraya uramaktan kendimi alamyordum. Atlyeye her gidiimde, bir keye ekilip, seyrediyordum onu 72 ve seyrediliink Atlye sahibi atk kala rencilere, renciler manidar bir tebessmle BeCe'ye, BeCe de kaytszca uzaklara bakyordu. Atlye sahibi rencilerine, renciler Be-Ce'ye, Be-Ce de uzaklara bakarken, ben giderek daha da nefret ediyordum bu atlyeden. Oysa Be-Ce, benim de ayn eyi yapmam gerektiini sylyordu. Madem her grenin ilgisini ekecek kadar imanmm, madem seyir-likmiim, ben de inadna kendimi tehir etmeliymiim. kp orada, onlarca gzn nnde, plak ve kprtsz durma dncesi bile kanm dondurmaya yeterken, Be-Ce srarla tekrarlyordu: "Madem yle, inadna!" stelik, atlye sahibi de bir hayli srar ediyordu modellik yapmam iin: "E tabii, senin iin tabure deil, kanape ayarlarz artk." zarf: Senelerdir postanede memurdu. Senelerdir, zarif bayanlarn demek istemedii, telal beylerin kapatmaya tenezzl etmedii zarflan ap up yalayp kapatrd. Zarflarn, zerlerinde adres yazl olduu iin deil, yazlan gzlerden sakladktan iin elzem olduklanna inanrd. Mektubu mektup yapan bu kapallk, bu gzden raklkt. ntihar ettii gn az ak bir zarf brakt geride, iine gzn koydu. "Gz ak gitmi" diye alad sevenleri. Huzur iinde yatsn diye, zarfn ap up yalayp kapadlar. "Sakn kprdama!" dedi adam gene. Bunu sylemesine gerek yoktu ki. Zaten kprdamyordum. Byle eyler hep beni bulurdu zaten. Ben doru yerde, doru olana meyletsem bile, bir de bakardm ki, ellerimin her tuttuu elinde

been sitting in front of the computer working when I come home. With an overflowing ashtray next to him, a desk lamp worn out from its own light, the smell of coffee impregnating the room, hazelnutwafer crumbs everywhere, rows of letters on the computer screen, pages filled with spidery notes/ As if it had all been arranged to show that hed ELIF SHAFAK been there for hours, and that all hed done during my absence was to work. I became suspicious. As I was trying to turn the key silently, the door opened from inside. B-C met me with a smile. Welcome! Eh, what did we do today? zevahir. Outer appearance. Every evening we told each other what wed done outside that day Because we couldnt be together outside. If we took even one step outside the Hayalifener Apartments, our love dissolved. Not only did we not walk together outside, but if we met by chance we would greet each other from a distance. We were not to be seen next to each other. Perhaps I was more particular about this than B-C was. I didnt want anyone to see us together. Outside was forbidden for us. It was only T after the point where our secrecy ended. So that was why when we met at home in the evening we related to each other what wed done separately as if wed done it together. I told him about how wed gone shopping together that day. I told him about the supermarket. zirh (armour): A person is more quickly defeated and more easily killed on the battlefield if he doesn't conceal what is within from the outer gaze. The supermarket is the only place outside where Im not judged for my fatness. I knew all of the supermarkets in the area; and all of the supermarkets in the area knew me. The security guards at the door would greet me smiling as if we were best friends. Whenever I passed in front of the people who sliced the cheese and the salami, theyd always offer me a taste of some new cheese or salami; the man on duty at the fish counter didnt

kalm; ayak diretmi ayaklarm, "seninle gelmem, seni tamam" diye tutturmu; bileklerim ksm burkulmu; gdm iyiden iyiye koyvermi kendini; srtne srtne yara olmu baldrlarm; gbeim kat kat katlanm; tepesi atm kafamn; tansiyonum frlam; kulam sylediklerime kulak asmam; gene dilini tutamam azm; ter iinde kalm srtm; bacaklarm prtlemi damarlarna bakp kangren tehisi koymu kendilerine, sonra da zntden morarm; derim yeni yeni yiyecek alerjileri renmi, ptr ptr kabarm; gzlerim sebepsiz doluvermi/ bir de bakardm ki, salmm oraya buraya. Eilip tek tek toplardm paralarm ama her zaman dalanlar topladklarmdan fazla kard. Ne kadar dikkat edersem edeyim, daima bir eyler kalrd geride. Bir eyler hep yarmd, hep ireti, hep eksik/ erden pten yapmayd hayallerim. Bir fiske bile yetiyordu yerle yeksan olmalarna. "Zelzele" diye aklyordum etrafmdakilere "korkun bir zelzele!" Zeminin sarslm olmas inanmalarn kolay73 latryordu. Oysa koca gvdemden bakas deildi o dehetli sarsntya sebep. Zaten btn bunlar hep onun yznden geliyordu bama. Hayatm boyunca bir billur eya dkknndaymasna temkinli yrmeye altm halde, en iyi ihtimalle birka raf yerle bir, onlarca eyay tuzla buz etmeme sebep, hep bu koca gvdemdi ite. zayie: Gkyznn ahvaline bakarak, yeryzndekilerin talihini grmeye, zayiesine bakmak denir. Zayie, oynak yldzlarn ne vakit, nerede olduklarn grmeye yarayan cetvelin ismidir. Adamn iyi niyetli olduu belliydi ama yall ve beceriksizlii^^ de. O urarken ben de Hayalifener Apartmannn st katna bakyordum. Be-Ce yukardayd, bense aada. Aadaydm nk ne ba ne de sonu vard snm ipliin; ektike uzuyordu, dinleyicisini yitirmi bir hikye gibi gayesizce. Aadaydm nk tek kanad kapal kaplara smyordum. Hadi takldm; bari hrkay kartp gvdemi kurtarabilseydim. Ama adamn yznden kprdayamyordum. Bir ara, zile basp Be-Ce'yi imdada

wear the same sour expression when he cleaned my fish as he did when he cleaned other peoples fish; the people in the bakery department always offered me baklarn and pastries, and expected me to buy THE GAZE several kinds of bread; in the produce department they rushed to bring out unopened crates so I could be the first to choose the best and freshest fruits and vegetables; the girls at the cash registers were delighted to make conversation with me. At supermarkets I felt I was being given special treatment. I could fill my cart completely, and in spite of this come back to the same supermarket the next day and be seen buying an enormous amount again, and continue to do this every day, and still not be regarded strangely. I had the right to do comfortably a lot of things that others saw as disagreeable. I could taste as much cheese and as many olives as I wished; I could open and eat packets of biscuits, wafers and crisps; I could drink the cold drinks in the refrigerators. Sometimes I finished what Id opened right there and then. At the exit, Id throw the empty packets and bottles into the bin next to the cashier, and theyd smile understandingly and take the money without having to ask for it. I hadnt done anything shameful. Indeed, I could even have been considered well-behaved. My obesity and gluttony were valid. And in the supermarket their validity was accepted. In time I noticed that children were tolerated in the same way as fat people like me. They were exempt from certain restrictions, they also received preferential treatment that was begrudged adults. They too opened packets before they reached the cashier, and their snacking in front of everyone was met with understanding. And while they were doing this they could be considered well-behaved. In any event these children, just like all fat people, were thought not to have any willpower. zitlik (contradiction): They asked the eye:'What does it please you most to see?"Contradiction,'it

armak gemiti aklmdan. Ama kim, hrka ipliini apartman kapsna kaptrm bir halde sevgilisi tarafndan grlmek isterdi ki? Aslnda hl, Be-Ce'nin varlna alamamtm. Mesele BeCe deildi; ben, bir sevgilim olmasna inanamyordum. Malm, benim kadar imansanz eer, baz defterleri batan kaparsnz. Yani, "bir srahi basiretin kalorisi bir yudum musibetinkinden azdr" kural burada da iler. Ksacas olmadk hayaller kurup sonradan ac ekeceime, ta batan kabullenmitim beni asla kimsenin istemeyeceini, sevmeyeceini. Ama Be-Ce byle birdenbire karma ktndan beri, koyduum kurallarn nemi kalmamt. Onunla birlikteyken dalgalar boyumu ayordu; oysa ancak tatl suyun durgunluunda halkalar dourabilecek birer akl tayd kendi kendime verdiim her nasihat. Artk dinlemiyordum ben de. Bozuk diye kaldrld kede, durduk yerde aka gelip almaya balayan hantal bir saatti hayat. Kuruyordum ben de. Nicedir geride kaln telafi etmek istercesine deli gibi rpnyordu imdi. "Tiktaktiktaktiktak"lyordu srekli. Be-Ce ise zaman ktlyordu her zamanki gibi; "tiktak zamann taktik'idir" diyordu. Zaman ile ne alp veremedii olduunu bilmiyordum. Aslnda bazen anlattklarndan hibir ey anlamyordum. Tuhaf tuhaf laflar etmeye baylyordu ve ok konuuyordu. Ama ikyeti deildim. Bu hallerini seviyordum. 74 r zehir: Kendini gstermeden lme sebebiyet veren madde. Nihayet iplii kurtarmay baardnda, gururla parlad yal adamn gzleri. itmeyi bekledii kran ve takdir dolu szleri usulnce karlayabilmek iin boazn temizledi. Kahramanlar seviyor olmalyd. Karanlk sokakta saldrya urayan gen kadnlar, cayr cayr yanan evlerde mahsur kalm kk ocuklar, aile ydign inci brolarn yankesicilere kaptran sarayllar, fidye iin karlm armatr oullarn aramakla gemiti mr. Bulduu da olmutu hani bunlar; ama hibir zaman deerlendirememiti kahramanlk frsatlarn. Zaman zalim

said,'Show me contradiction.'They showed him the forbidden love between Aphrodite, goddess of creation, and Ares, god of destruction. Aphrodite and Ares carried on their love affair in secret, meeting only at night, and parting before daybreak. But one night they overslept. When the sun took its place in the sky, the lovers were discovered lying ELIF SHAFAK side-by-side by the sun. (Note: of course the sky has always been the best place from which to watch the earth.) The sun immediately carried news of what he'd seen to Aphrodite's ugly husband Hephaistos. He bound the two naked lovers in a net, and displayed their treachery as a lesson for others. 'Is this what you call contradiction?' asked the eye. 'Do you think it more contradictory for Aphrodite to have an affair with the god of destruction, or for her to remain faithful to the ugly Hephaistos? Show me contradiction, is there no contradiction?' That day I told B-C how wed shopped together at the supermarket that afternoon. I related it as if he knew what hed seen; wide mirrors, security guards, hidden cameras. In this land of freedom and variety, the signs reading, Dear customers, our shop is protected by hidden cameras!, wandering among the eyepleasing counters, the shopping we did with our eyes rather than with our purse, and before I reached how we paid the cashier and our money was taken, and we had to leave some things behind, I told him that on the way we couldnt see the things wed bought as we had left our eyes behind with the things we didnt buy. Now you tell. What did we do outside today? B-C returned at once to his Dictionary of Gazes. He hadnt even heard my question. I regarded him with curiosity. How many more states was I going to see him in other that the one he was in here and now? zihin (intellect): When the intellect is clouded, what is seen becomes clouded. He sat in front of the computer,

davranmt ona; karlan frsatlarn yerine yenisini sunmamt. Oysa o, hep bir adm arkadan gelmiti; hep, her ey olup bittikten sonra, eve gittiinde, kekeler eliinde bulmutu nerede ne yapmas lazm geldiini. Tek ihtiyac ayn olayla bir daha karlamak iken, zaman tekrarlara ikna edemeden kocamt. yiden iyiye snm hrka ipliim elimde Hayalifener Apartmanndan ieri girdiimde, yal adam tedirgin gzlerle bakmt arkamdan. Kimin nesiydim acaba, niye bu kadar kaba davranmtm? Yaklak yirmi dakikadr bana yardm etmek iin rpnrken, gzlerime, hrkama ve snm iplie bakmt sadece. Bana, kendi kafasna gre bir suret rm ve kendini gen bir kadna iyilik ederken grmt. Oysa imdi arkamdan bakarken, beni nihayet bir btn olarak algladndan, daha evvel grmedii gibi gryordu. Nasl bu kadar iman olabildiime hayret ediyordu. "Irs herhalde!" Nereye gittiimi merak ediyordu. Acaba durup baksa myd hangi daireye gittiime? Oysa beni karsna sormas yeterliydi. Hayalifener Apartmann-daki btn komu kadnlar daha ilk gnden beri biliyordu Be-Ce'nin dairesine gidip geldiimi. Zeliha: "Koskoca vezirin kars bir kle iin yanp tutuuyormu," diye glyordu kadnlar. Zeliha ise, gzele bakt iin gzlerini cezalandrmasn bekleyenleri anlayamyordu. Merak ediyordu, acaba bu fitne kumkumas, dedikodu ustas kadnlar nasl gryordu u lemi. Nihayet bir gn, sevdiini sevmediklerine gstermek iin kadnlar evine davet etti. Onlara meyve ve bak verdi. Sonra da Yusuf u misafirlerin yanna kard. Gzlerini Yusuf tan alamayan kadnlar, o odadan kana kadar, meyve yerine parmaklarn doradklarnn farkna varmadlar. Zeliha, tabaklan toplarken vakur ve sakindi: "Grn ite," dedi, "gzlerimin bana ektirdiklerini!" Gene nefes nefese kalmtm en st kata vardmda. Gene din75 memiti hrltlarm. Asansr yoktu apartmanda. Ho, olsa da binmezdim zaten. Merdiven kmay yelerim. Eer benim kadar imansanz ve siz

lit a cigarette, and read what hed just written with raised eyebrows. I saw that B-C, who usually loved to chat, wasnt going to give me an answer no matter what I said. From now on, the Dictionary of Gazes came first. THE GAze zilzal:Zilzdl, reminiscent of earthquakes, is the name of the ninety-ninth chapter of the Koran. According to this chapter, the earth was going tc throw out all of the weight it was carrying.Then all of the layers invisible5 under the ground would emerge aboveground and be visible. The interest in the dictionary had begun at the cinema almo?1 a week earlier. Both of us loved the cinema. The cinema was the only place outside the Hayalifener Apartments where we could be together. Generally, we went in separately, and watched the film separately. But if the cinema was deserted, if there werent too m,any curious eyes, we sat next to each other. We would hold hands m the dark throughout the film. Again I was on tenterhooks. I hated the ten minute intermission. Sometimes, when the intermission was drawing near, one of us would get up and go somewhere else, but most of the time we got involved in the film and missed the momPnt> and as soon as the lights came on wed shrink guiltily into our seats-During that endless ten minutes, B-C, as round as a ball, would sl'de well down into his seat. As for me, there was nothing I could do. No matter how much I shrank, I was still too big to escape notice. This interest began almost a week ago at the cinema. That ^aY the cinema was almost completely empty. We were sitting together, holding hands, watching a film about a haunted house, wPen suddenly, when there was still a long way to go before the ten minute intermission, B-C jumped to his feet. Im going home. I have to work. He left before I had a chance to ask any questions. I staYed behind at the cinema and continued watching the film. zina (adultery): In order to prove adultery, there must be four male witnesses who saw the act with their own eyes. It is not enough

iindeyken bozulmusa asansr, onu muhakkak siz bozmusunuzdur. Bir keresinde, bindiim asansr ikinci katla nc kat arasnda kalm; yarm saat sonra beni oradan kardklarnda, kurtarclarma elence kmt. mal tebessmleri bugn bile gzmn nnde. Gene de, bakalaryla asansre binmek kadar kt olamaz tek bana asansrde mahsur kalmak. O darack yerde yan yana dnce, nezaketi elden brakmayanlar bile gzucuyla bir bana bakarlar, bir de asansrn en fazla ka kilo tadn belirten levhaya. Kala gz arasnda ka kilo geldiimi tahmin etmeye alp, aktrmadan hesap yaparlar. Bazen, bu gizli gerginlii bir latifeyle talandracak kadar pikin olanlar da kar: "Aman ip kopmasn da!" Btn bunlar o kadar anlamsz, o kadar abartl ki! Asansrlerde tehlike saacak kadar iman deilim elbette. Hemen hemen her asansr, en dk ihtimalle ayn benim kilomda kiiyi tayabilir. Bu yzden, insanlarn byle davranmasna bir anlam veremiyorum. Ama anlalan, grntm her eyin nne geiyor. Darack asansrde benimle yan yana gelenler, mantklaryla deil, gzleriyle dnmeye balyor. Geride kalmt btn bunlar. Hayalifener Apartmannda asansr yoktu. zenne: Ortaoyununda kadn rollerine kan, kadn grnmnde oynayan erkek Anahtar elimde, kapnn nnde durup, hrltlarmn kesilmesini bekledim. Be-Ce'nin geldiimi duymasn istemiyordum. nk bensizken neler yaptn grmek, bensizliine baskn yapmak istiyordum. Bir sredir ne zaman eve gelsem, bilgisayarn karsnda oturmu alyor oluyordu. Yannda azna kadar dolu bir kl tablas, kendi ndan maym masa lambas, odaya sinmi kahve kokusu, her tarafa salm fndkl gofret krntlar, bilgisayar ekrannda dizilen harfler, zerleri kargack burgack notlarla dolu ktlar/ ortalktaki her ey, onun saatlerdir burada olduunu, benim yokluumda tek yapt eyin almak olduunu gstermek iin ince ince ayarlanmt sanki. pheye kaplyordum. Onu grebildiim mddete bana

for the witnesses to have seen the same thing, they're expected to state wh^t they've seen in the same manner. If one of their statements arouss suspicion, the other witnesses' statements are considered perjurous, and the accusation is considered groundless. ELIF SHAFAK When the film was over, I went out the back door into the back streets. I saw, on the edge of the pavement, the same blind peddler Id seen before at different times and in different places. There was an endless variety of evil-eye beads arranged on the counter; hundreds of eyes, big and small. A number of cats, most of them still kittens, were wandering around near the peddler. I grew uneasy. A single large dog was more suitable for a blind man outside than a flock of kittens. On top of this, the cats swarmed around him as if he were a large piece of liver that might get up and run away at any moment. There, on the edge of the pavement, a blind man sold eyes to those who could see. As I was handing him money, one of the kittens on his lap arched its back and hissed at me. I wasnt surprised, because Id long known that cats dont like me, but it still made me nervous. Clutching the evil-eye bead, I took myself off to the nearest place where I could get Albanian liver. ziya (light): Light is that which makes all other things visible. Well, when I came back from the cinema that day I found B-C working at the computer. Excitedly, he called me to his side. My love, this is a Dictionary of Gazes he said pointing to the screen. He was like someone who was at last able to introduce the two people he loved most, expecting them to become close friends right away. Well it all started like this. zorba (tyrant): Because he'd lampooned the tyrant's tyranny, the sharp-tongued satirist's head was left impaled for days on a stake in the square. Passers-by stopped to look, and some came back to look again. Because the tyrant's power was the power of display. THE GAZE In the beginning B-Cs interest in

ainayd; gremediimde ise, neler yaptn kestiremedi-im bir yabanc. 76 Ben anahtar sessizce evirmeye alrken, kap ierden ald. Be-Ce glmseyerek beni karlad. "Hogeldin! Ee, neler yaptk bugn?" zevahir: Grn_ Her akam birbirimize o gn darda birlikte neler yaptmz anlatyorduk. nk biz darda birlikte olamyorduk. Hayalifener Apartmannn dna adm atar atmaz sevgililiimiz sona eriyordu. Gndzleri birlikte dar kamyor, sokaklarda beraber dolaam-yorduk. Dardayken deil yan yana yrmek, kazara karlasak bile uzaktan kuru bir selamla yetiniyorduk. Yan yana grlmemeliydik. Galiba Be-Ce'den ok bendim bu konuda titizlenen. Kimsenin bizi birlikte grmesini istemiyordum. Dars "biz"e yasakt. Sadece "ben" vard mahremiyetin bittii yerde. te bu sebepten, akamlan evde bulutuumuzda, o gn ayr ayr yaptklarmz sanki birlikte yapmz gibi, silbatan anlatyorduk birbirimize. Ben de o gn, birlikte alveri yaptmz anlattm ona. Spermarketi anlattm. ( zrh: ttekini, darnn baklarndan saklayamazsa, daha abuk yenilir insan ve daha kolay ldrlr sava meydanlarnda. Darda, imanlmn yadrganmad tek yerdi supermarket. Civardaki btn spermarketleri bilirdim; civardaki btn spermar-ketler de beni. Ahbaplanymm gibi candan glmseyerek karlard beni kapdaki gvenlik grevlileri. arkteride peynir salam kesenler, ne zaman nlerinden gesem muhakkak yeni bir peynir yahut salam tavsiye eder; balk reyonundaki grevli bir tek benim balklarm temizlerken surat asmaz; pastane ksmna bakanlar beni her grlerinde baklava brek ikram eder ve en az birka eit ekmek almam bekler; meyve sebze blmnde alanlar depodan getirdikleri henz almam kasalar srf ben taze mahsllerden seebileyim diye vaktinden evvel amaktan gocunmaz; kasiyer kzlar benimle sohbet etmeye can atard. Spermarketlerde

this dictionary had to do with I lie interpretation of his own madness, and I thought it would pass i he way it started. But it didnt happen that way. On the contrary, with each passing day it increased gradually. He worked away furiously, and was interested in a number of visual details that were completely unrelated to each other. He generally wrote at night. In time I became accustomed to falling asleep to the clacking of the keyboard, which at first used to keep me awake. At the end of each night, hed put what hed written into a transparent folder, and hide it from the sun and from me. When I got up in the morning, hed just be lying down to sleep. Even though we lived in the same house, we began to see less and less of each other as time went by. Now where did this come from? I asked one day. Where did it come from? It was already here. It was always here. Look, our lives are based on seeing and being seen. All of our troubles, worries, obsessions, our happiness and our memories/ our very existence in this world too/ and also our love/ everything, I mean everything, has to do with seeing and being seen. Well, the Dictionary of Gazes is going to demonstrate this entry by entry. At first the entries will seem unrelated to each other, but because they all have to do with seeing and being seen, each entry will be secretly linked to another. In this way the Dictionary of Gazes will be like a shamans cloak of forty patches and a single thread. I thought of this metaphor just this morning. So, what do you think? I smiled. How he loved to make pretentious statements. I went into the kitchen to look for a snack to go with my tea. Anyway, there were still some of those little round cakes filled with apricot jam that I bought at the bakery yesterday. When I went back to the living room with my plate in my hand, he was waiting for me with a long face. Youll see, he said without hiding his hurt feelings. Im going to prove to you how important the Dictionary of Gazes is. To mollify him, I wanted to say

ayrcalkl olduumu hissederdim. El arabam tka basa doldurabilir, buna ramen hemen ertesi gn gene ayn spermarkette gene abartl bir alveri yaparken grlebilir, hatta bunu her gn bu ekilde srdrebilir, gene de yadrganmazdm. Bakalarnda ho grlmeyen pek ok eyi rahatlkla yapabilme hakkna sahiptim. Tadmlk peynir ve zeytinlerden dilediimce tadabilir; biskvileri, gofretleri, cipsleri ap yiyebilir; buzdolaplanndaki souk 77 iecekleri iebilirdim. Bazen, atm rnleri orackta bitirirdim. kta kasiyer kzlar bu bo paketleri ya da ieleri yanlarndaki p kutularna atarken anlayla glmser ve bunlarn parasn adeta gnlszce alrlard benden. Ayplanacak bir ey yapmamtm. Hatta sevimli bile saylabilirdim. imanlm, pisboazlmn zryd. Ve spermarketlerde zrm hep geerliydi. Zamanla fark ettim ki, spermarketlerde benim kadar imanlara gsterilen hogr ocuklara da gsteriliyordu. Onlar da baz yasaklardan muaf tutulabiliyor, yetikinlerden esirgenen iltimaslardan yararlanabiliyorlard. Onlarn da eitli gdalar kasaya varmadan evvel ap tatmas, herkesin gz nnde attrmas anlayla karlanyordu. Ve onlar da bunu yaparken sevimli saylabilirlerdi. Ne de olsa ocuklar, tpk imanlar gibi, iradesiz varlklar addediliyordu. ztlk: Gze sormular: "En ok ne grmekten holanrsn?" "Ztlk," demi "bana ztlk gsterin". Yaratc tanra Afrodit ile ykc tanr Ares'in yasak akn gstermiler. Afrodit ile Ares sadece geceleri buluup, gn aarmadan ayrlarak ilikilerini gizlice srdryorlarm. Ama bir gece uyuyakalmlar. Gne gkyzndeki yerini aldnda, hl yan yana uyumakta olan klar yakalanmlar gkyzne, (not: Zaten yeryzndeki gnahlarn en iyi seyredildii yer gkyz olmu daima.) Gne, grdklerini hemen yetitirmi Afrodit'in kocas surat yoksulu Hephaistos'a. tki | plak bir fileyle kskvrak balayp, tehir etmiler ihanetleri ibI reti lem olsun diye. "Siz buna ztlk

that he didnt have to prove anything to me, but he pushed my hand away roughly when I tried ELIF SHAFAK to stroke his hair. He didnt want to taste the apricot jam cakes either. He was hurt. As I was trying to think of a way to appease him, my eyes strayed to the computer screen. All right, youve just started the dictionary. Why didnt you start with the letter AT I asked as pieces of apricot fell out of my mouth. All dictionaries start with the letter A. Why are you at Z? Whenever he has that look, his dark, bitter-chocolate eyes turn into shadows painted with a thin watercolour brush. My hands trembled as if theyd been charged with the responsibility of painting those delicate lines again. I was terrified that thered be too much water, and the paint would drip, and erase his eyes. At times like these, I couldnt take my eyes off the strangeness of his eyes. Zuhre (Venus): They say that love can be forgotten just like everything else. And that love can be forgotten not only when it's over and done with, and the ashes are growing cold, but also at the moment when it's strongest. Anyway, there was a star called Venus in the third level of the heavens. Those who couldn't remember whether or not they were in love, or who they were in love with if they were in love, would climb to the third level of the heavens to look into the mirror of love that Venus held in her hand. The face they saw would be the face of the person they loved. They say that some people saw only pitch darkness in the mirror. These people were wrong to suspect their memories. What they lacked was not memory, but heart. I decided it wasnt important to go in order, he said in a dry voice. I dont know/ I wanted it to be a little more random. But I dont think so any more, youre right. It has to be orderly. Ill proceed from A to Z. Its better if I go back. I didnt understand why his mood had soured, or quite what he wanted to say. But I was still pleased that hed listened to my idea. I

m diyorsunuz imdi?" demi gz. "Sizce Afrodit' I in ykc tanr ile kaama m ztlk, yoksa ruhu da kendi gibi irkin ' Hephaistos'a sadk kalmas m? Siz bana ztlk gsterin, ztlk yok mu?" O gn leden sonra birlikte spermarkette alveri yaptmz anlattm Be-Ce'ye. zlendiini biliyor olmay anlattm; yayvan aynalar, gvenlik grevlilerini, gizli kameralar. "Sayn mterilerimiz, maazamz gizli kameralarla korunmaktadr!" tabelalarnn yollarn donatt serbestlik ve eitlilik diyarnda, nazar okayan reyonlan boydan boya dolaarak, kesemizle deil gzmzle yaptmz alverii ve kasada paramz aldklarmz demeye yetmeyince, birer birer brakmak zorunda kaldklarmz anlattm. Yolda gelirken, gzmzn aldklarmz grmediini, nk braktklarmzda kaldn anlattm. "imdi de sen anlat. Neler yaptk bugn darda?" Be-Ce Nazar Szl'nn bana dnmt hemen. Sorumu 78 duymamt bile. Merakla baktm ona. urada, u anda grdmden baka daha ka halini grecektim acaba? zihin: Zihin bulandka, grntler bulanklar. Bilgisayarn karsna gemi, bir sigara yakm, atk kalarla yeni yazd ksmlar okuyordu. Anlalan her zaman gevezelik etmeye baylan BeCe, u anda ben ne sylersem syleyeyim karlk vermeyecekti. Bundan sonra, ncelik Nazar Szl'ndeydi. Zilzl: Depremler anlamna gelen zilzl, Kuran'n doksan dokuzuncu s- resinin ismidir. Sreye gre, yeryz, iindeki btn arl darya Y kusacaktr. O zaman yerin altndaki grnmeyen katmanlar, yerin s-/ tne kp grnr olacaktr. Yaklak bir hafta nce sinemada balamt bu szlk merak. kimiz de sinemay seviyorduk. Sinema, Hayalifener Apartman dnda birlikte olabildiimiz tek meknd. Genellikle ieri ayr ayn girip, filmi ayn ayr izliyorduk. Ama eer salon tenhaysa, ortalkta ok fazla merakl gz yoksa, yan yana oturuyorduk. Karanlkta elele tutuuyorduk film boyunca. Gene de diken stnde oluyordum. On

smiled with the taste of apricots. THE GAZE Adem He Havva (Adam and Eve): When Adam and Eve tasted the forbidden fruit, they saw their differences for the first time.They became ashamed, and wanted to hide their nakedness with fig leaves. But one had a single fig leaf, and the other had three. Once they learned how to count, they were never the same again. I he following days were all alike. In the mornings B-C stayed at home, and I went to work. When I left hed still be sleeping. When I came home Id find him working on the Dictionary of Gazes. According to the day, he greeted me with either with extreme bad humour, extreme indifference or extreme good spirits. Sometimes too hed narrow his eyes again like that; and I couldnt work out what he felt. The Dictionary of Gazes determined not only his mood, but also what happened to the rest of our day. But there were things in our life that werent determined by the Dictionary of Gazes. Like paying the rent. It didnt seem as if B-C was concerned about this problem. Hed dropped all the work he was doing and devoted all of his time to the dictionary. It seemed as if the owner of the art studio was more put out about this than anyone else. Just as he was on the point of suggesting that B-C model every evening instead of just Monday evenings, the man found out that hed stopped working. From that moment on, he called again and again, telling B-C that he wanted the students to work with him, that anyway this job didnt take up much time, that at this point it was going to be difficult for him to find a model who interested everyone so much, and if necessary hed raise the fee. To no avail. BC simply didnt want to be involved with anything except the dictionary. At this point Id found a job teaching half days at one of the newly opened nursery schools. It didnt pay much, but the conditions were good. What I had to do was sing with the children, paint with them, make up stories, and kneed coloured clay with them from morning till noon. At one-thirty we

dakikalk aralardan nefret ediyordum. Bazen, ara yaklatnda, ikimizden biri kalkp baka bir yere geiyordu ama ou zaman filme dalp bu an kardmz iin, klar yanar yanmaz koltuumuzda sulu sulu bzlyorduk. O bir trl bitmeyen on dakika boyunca, Be-Ce tortop olup, iyice aaya kayyordu oturduu koltukta. Benimse yapabileceim bir ey yoktu. Ne kadar bzlrsem bzleyim, gzden kaamayacak kadar iriydim. Yaklak bir hafta nce sinemada balamt bu merak. O gn salon neredeyse bombotu. Yan yana oturmu, elele tutumu, hayaletli ev filmi izliyorduk ki, aniden, hem de on dakikalk araya daha ok varken, ayaa frlamt Be-Ce. "Eve dnyorum. almam lazm." Soru sormama frsat brakmadan kp gitmiti. Ben sinemada kalp, filmi izlemeye devam etmitim. zina: Zinann ispatlanabilmesi iin drt erkek ahidin ilenen suu bizzat gzleriyle grm olmalar gerekir. ahitlerin ayn eyi grmeleri yetmez; bir de grdklerini ayn ekilde ifade etmeleri beklenir. Eer ilerinden biri grdklerini phe uyandracak biimde ifade ederse, teki ahitlerin ifadeleri yalan, sulama aslsz saylr. 79 Film bittiinde, sinemann arka kapsndan arka sokaklara km ve biraz ilerlediimde, bir kaldrmn kenarnda, daha evvel eitli defalar eitli yerlerde rastladm kr satcy grmtm. Tezghnda envai eit nazar boncuu diziliydi; irili ufakl yzlerce gz. Satcnn yannda, ou yavru olmak zere, bir sr kedi dolanyordu. Tedirgin olmutum. Dardayken kr bir adamn yanna, tek ve byk bir kpek yakrd, bir sr yavru kedi deil. stelik kediler, satc sanki her an ayaklanp kaacak kocaman bir ciermi gibi, yalana yalana dolanyorlard adamn etrafnda. Orada, kaldrm kenarnda, kr bir adam boy boy gz satyordu gren insanlara. Ben de eve asmak iin irice bir nazar boncuu satn almtm. Paray uzatrken, satcnn kucana kurulmu yavru kedilerden biri srtn kabartp tslamt bana. Kedilerin benden holanmadna daha evvel de tank olduum iin

had our lunch break. Our cook prepared different meals each day according to the weekly plan given to him ELIF SHAFAK by the parents association. But it seemed to me as if we ate kofte and potatoes every day. Sometimes the kofte were made of meat, sometimes of chicken, sometimes of fish, sometimes of cracked wheat and sometimes of soy. The potatoes were always the same. And we always drank a lot of milk. It made the children giggle to see the way I drank milk. Every day we had a different kind of pudding that passed for dessert. When lunch was over the little ones would take their afternoon nap. Then after Id gone back and cleaned up my classroom, Id turn my post over to someone else. The director of the nursery was always calling me in and telling me that the parents wanted me to work full-time. According to him the parents loved me. The parents wanted it to be me they saw when they came to pick up their children in the evening. But I wasnt any better than any of the other teachers. I was just much much fatter. My appearance gave the parents confidence. While I was in charge, they were less worried about their children falling and hurting themselves, or being rough with each other, or playing with sharp instruments. Like an enormous balloon filled with dreams that had the taste and consistency of strawberry pudding, I softened all movement around me. When I was there, modelling knives were a little less sharp, the corners of the desks a little less pointed, the pushing and shoving less harsh, even the slides in the playground were less slippery. When I was around, the children were secure. Perhaps I was even made for this kind of work. But I had such a hard time going to the nursery in the mornings. Actually I didnt want to do anything that would take me out of the Hayalifener Apartments. As soon as the front door opened I was seized by the desire to go back home. I dont like the outside. Outside is the land of appearances. The children at the nursery were competing with one another to

armamtm ama gene de asabm bozulmutu. Elimde nazar boncuum, Arnavut cieri yiyebileceim en yakn lokantada almtm soluu. ziya: Ziya, kendinden baka her eyi grnr klan ey. ite o gn sinema dnnde, Be-Ce'yi bilgisayarn karsnda alrken bulmutum. Heyecanla yanna armt beni. "Sevgilim, bu bir Nazar Szl," demiti ekran gstererek. Dnyada en ok sevdii iki kiiyi nihayet tantrabilmi biri gibi, tantrdklarnn hemen kaynamalarn bekleyerek. ite her ey byle balamt. zorba: Zorbann zorbalklarn hicvettii iin hayatndan olan sivri dilli heccavn kellesi, meydandaki kazn zerinde gnlerce asl kald. Gelen bakt, giden bakt, bir bakan bir daha bakt. nk zorbann iktidar seyirlik bir iktidard. Be-Ce'nin bu szlk merakn ilk balarda deliliine yormu ve geldii gibi geer sanmtm. Ama yle olmad. Aksine, her geen gn katmerlenerek oald. Hani hani alyor ve birbirinden tamamen kopuk bir sr grsel aynntyla ayn anda ilgileniyordu. Genellikle geceleri yazyordu. Zamanla, ilk balarda uykulanm karan klavye tkrtlann dinleye dinleye uyumaya almtm. Her gecenin sonunda, yazdklann effaf bir dosyaya koyup, saklyordu gnn-dan ve benden. Sabah kalktmda, o uykuya daha yeni yatm oluyordu. Ayn evin iinde olmamza ramen, birbirimizi giderek daha az grmeye balamtk. 80 "Nereden kt bu imdi? " dedim bir gn. "Nereden mi kt? Vard zaten. Hep vard. Baksana, hayatmz grmek ve grlmek zerine kurulu. Btn dertlerimiz, tasalarmz, takntlarmz, mutluluklanmz ve hatralarmz/ hatta u dnyadaki varlmz/ hatta ve hatta bizim akmz/ hepsi ama hepsi grmeye ve grlmeye dair. ite Nazar Szl madde madde bunu gsterecek. Maddeler ilk bakta birbirinden kopuk gibi grnecek ama aslnda, hepsi grmek ve grlmekle balantl olduu iin, her bir madde alttan alta bir dieriyle balantl olacak. Yani aslnda

remind me how fat I was. When I got home my hair smelled of the letters f-a-t-t-y the way someones hair smells in the evening when theyve been around people puffing on cigarettes all day. Indeed the first thing I did THE GAZE when I got home was to wash my hair. The letters would wash < iff me and swirl away down the drain. But no matter how much I shampooed my hair, some of them wouldnt come out. Theyd stick 10 me like burs.Then, B-C would come help me: hed pick out the l s, the as, the ts, the ys. So one day I decided to dye my hair. It was clear I couldnt get i id of the letters f-a-t-t-y. But with the right hair colour I could make them invisible; like a sweater that doesnt show stains. ask (love): A widow was in the arms of her lover. This thing called love should be forbidden,' she muttered to herself, 'and what is forbidden should be kept out of sight.' However, the young man wanted everyone to see him make love to the widow. He had to prove to others that he was growing up. For this reason he always kept the window open. But no one ever passed down that street. Then one day as the young man was wandering around the house, he managed to open a door that was always kept locked, and that he'd never once touched before. 'My God!' he shouted. 'Is that why you've locked everyone into this room? Did you do this so no one would see us?'As he stood waiting for an answer, the widow locked the door on the callow young man and left. The widow met a caterpillar on the road.'Will you be my secret love?' she asked him.'Why keep it a secret?' asked the caterpillar.'If someone's in love with me I want everyone to see her love.Then I'll be thought less ugly.'For a while, the widow watched the caterpillar gnaw on the leaves. Then she locked the whole wide world on the ugly caterpillar. She came across the cosmos and asked it the same question. The aged cosmos answered,'If someone's in love with me I want everyone to

hepsi ayn btnn ayr bir parasn oluturacak. Bylece Nazar Szl krk yamal tek iplikli aman kisvesi gibi olacak. Bu benzetmeyi de bu sabah buldum. E, ne diyorsun?" Glmsedim. Nasl da seviyordu tumturakl laflar etmeyi. Mutfaa gidip, aymn yannda attracak bir eyler bakndm. Neyse ki, bir gn evvel pastaneden aldm, ileri kays marmeladyla doldurulmu u kk, yuvarlak keklerden biraz kalmt. Tabam elimde salona dndmde suratn asm beni bekliyordu. "Greceksin," dedi incindiini saklamadan. "Nazar Szl'nn neden bu kadar nemli olduunu sana ispatlayacam." Gnln almak, bana hibir ey ispatlamak zorunda olmadn sylemek istedim ama hoyrata iteledi salann okamaya alan elimi. Kays marmeladl keklerin tadna bakmak da istemedi. Krgnd. Ona yaklamann yollarn ararken, gzm bilgisayar ekranna takld, "iyi de, daha szln basndasn. Niin A harfinden balamadn?" dedim azmda kays paralan dalrken. "Her szlk A harfiyle balar. Sen niye Z'desin?" Ne zaman byle baksa, ac ikolata karas gzleri, incecik suluboya frasyla izilmi glgelere dnveriyordu. O nazenin izgileri batan izmekle ykmlymm gibi titriyordu ellerim. Su fazla gelir, boya dalr da, gzleri silinir diye dm patlyordu. Byle zamanlarda, gzlerinin acayipliinden alamyordum gzlerimi. Zhre: Derler ki, ak da unutulurmu her ey gibi. Hem de yaanp bittikten, souyup kllendikten sonra deil, tam da doludizgin devam ederken unutulurmu ak. Neyse ki, Zhre yldz varm gn nc katnda. Halen k olup olmadklarn ve eer klarsa kime k olduklarn hatrlayamayanlar, gn nc katna kp, Zhre yldznn elindeki ak aynasna bakarlarm. Baktklarnda grdkleri yz, k olduklar kiinin yz olurmu. 81 Derler ki, bazlar sadece zifiri karanlk grrm aynada. Byle-lerinin hafzalarndan phe etmeleri yersizmi. nk tekleyen hafzalar deil, yrekleriymi.

see her love.Then I'll be thought younger.'The widow shrugged her shoulders. In any event she had a bunch of keys in her pocket. She locked the aged cosmos in on itself. In order to continue on her way she had to step off and fall into the void. As she fell she took a new key out of her pocket, but there was ELIF SHAFAK no lock in sight.'Are you an idiot? What would a lock be doing drifting through the void? There's nothing here but nothingness,' grumbled the void. The widow looked at the void with great admiration.'In that case, please let me stay with you. You're the one I've been seeking.' 'That's completely out of the question,'said the void.'If you stay with me, you'll fill my void, and then I'll no longer exist.' 'Go on back now,' said the void in a sweet voice, as if wishing to ask forgiveness for having been rude.'Go back and open all the doors. Let them out. You need them.' The widow did as the void asked, and opened all the doors she'd locked. When they saw that their captivity had come to an end the prisoners rushed out pushing and shoving; as they ran around dazed by their freedom, some of them were injured.The widow was surprised and angry.'As if things were any better now?she was heard to have said. She locked herself in her house in order not to have to witness any more of this tumult. And after this she forbade herself love. The colour catalogue they thrust into my hands at the hairdressers was wonderful. There were curls of all colours, but I was more enchanted by the names than by the colours. For instance the caption for a copper-coloured curl was Farewell to the Train at Sunset, for a loud reddish tone Also Known as Seduction, for an ash-coloured curl, What the Fireplace Knows, for a yellow curl, Natural Blond, for a dark, chestnut-coloured curl, Roasting Chestnuts in the Evening. I stroked the curls again and again with my index finger. If it were up to me, Id give each of the coloured curls names that had to do with food. Since I was

"Sralamann nemsiz olduunu dnmtm," dedi tatsz bir sesle. "Ne biliyim/ biraz daha geliigzel olsun istemitim. Ama dnyorum da, sen haklsn. Bir nizam olmal. A'dan Z'ye ilerlemeliyim. Geri dnsem iyi olacak." Ne tadnn kamasnn sebebini, ne de tam olarak ne demek istediini anlamtm. Gene de houma gitmiti fikrimi dinlemesi. Kays tadnda glmsedim. Adem ile Havva: Adem ile Havva, yasak elmann tadna varnca, farkllklarn grdler ilk defa. Utanp, incir yapraklanyla rtmek istediler ,' plaklklarn. Ama birinde bir, tekinde incir yapra vard. Say T saymay da renince, bir daha hi ayn olamadlar. Takip eden gnler birbirini andryordu. Sabahlan BeCe evde kalyor, ben ie gidiyordum. Ben karken o hl uyuyor oluyordu. Dndmde onu Nazar Szl'nn banda buluyordum. Beni, gnne gre, kh ar somurtkan, kh an kaytsz, kh ar neeli karlyordu. Bazen de gene yle kapanveriyordu gzleri; ne hissettii anlalmyordu. Sadece onun ruh halini deil, gnmzn geri kalann da Nazar Szl belirliyordu. Ama hayatmzda Nazar Szl'nn belirleyemedii eyler de vard. Kiray demek gibi. BeCe bu meseleyi nemsemiyor grnyordu. Yapt btn ileri brakm, tm zamann szlne adamt. Bu durum en ok resim atlyesinin sahibini etkilemie benziyordu. Anlalan adam, tam da Be-Ce'ye sadece pazartesileri deil her akam modellik yapmas iin teklif getirecei bir anda, onun ii braktn renmiti. O andan itibaren de st ste telefonlar ap, rencilerinin bilhassa BeCe'yle almasn arzuladn, hem zaten bu iin ok fazla vakit almadn, bu saatten sonra onun gibi herkesin ilgisini eken bir model bulmakta zorlanacan ve gerekirse creti ykseltebileceini tekrar tekrar anlatmt. Faydaszd. Be-Ce artk szlnden baka bir eyle uramak istemiyordu. Bu arada ben yeni alan krelerden birinde yanm gnlk retmenlik bulmutum. creti fazla olmasa da, artlan gayet iyiydi. Yapmam gereken,

little, colours have always evoked food for me. As I thought, I looked carefully at my index finger. My cuticles were torn and chewed away, and in horror I hid my finger so no one would see it. After hesitating for some time, I decided on a curl with silver glitter in it. It was called Coalcellar Black. It will suit you very well, said the hairdresser. It will make your face look thinner. THE GAZE I didnt say anything. I didnt return his smiles. I looked at Inin in the wide mirror in front of where I was sitting. He grew 'incomfortable and avoided my eyes. I hate those who think fat people are stupid. ay (moon): For centuries people, thinking that the moon was close to them, gave it a human face. (Note: research the moon's faces!) When I came back I found B-C striding around the house in an irritable mood. He noticed what Id done to my hair right away. He said a few nice things, but it was clear his mind was elsewhere. Id never seen him this troubled before. If it keeps going like this it will take forever to finish this dictionary, he said while I was in the kitchen preparing a snack. Excuse me, but its only been a few days since you started. I dont even really understand what youre doing yet. Come on! he shouted suddenly. Lets not shut ourselves up at home tonight. Lets go out. He must have been out of his mind. ay gigesi (sunflower): When the sunflower fell jn love with the sun, the other plants all broke out laughing,'The sun never leaves his throne in the heavens even for a moment. He's powerful and inaccessible,' they said in unison.The sunflower said nothing. It planted its passionate eyes on the sun, and looked and looked and looked. For a long time the sun noticed nothing, then finally one day he sensed the sunflower looking at him. At first he thought it was just a passing fancy, but in time he understood he was mistaken. The sunflower was so stubborn that wherever the sun moved his throne,

sabahtan lene kadar snfmdaki ocuklarla ark syleyip resim boyamak, hikyeler uydurup renkli hamurlar yourmakt. Saat birbuukta yemek aras veriyorduk. Ahmz, velilerin be82 lirledii haftalk programa gre her gn baka yemekler piiriyordu. Ama bence, biz her gn kfte-patates yiyorduk. Kfteler bazen kymadan, bazen tavuktan, bazen balktan, bazen bulgurdan, bazen de soyadan yaplyordu. Patatesler hep ayn kalyordu. Ve srekli st stne st iiyorduk. ocuklar benim st iiime kkr kkr glyordu. Her gn tatl niyetine baka bir puding eidi yiyorduk. Yemek bitince ufaklklar len uykusuna yatyordu. Ben de snfa dnp ortaln toplanmasna yardm ettikten sonra yerimi bir bakasna devrediyordum. Krein mdiresi, beni sk sk yanna anp, velilerin btn gn almam talep ettiini hatrlatyordu. Dediine gre veliler beni ok seviyordu. Akam ocuklann almak iin kree geldiklerinde, karlarnda beni grmek istiyorlard. Oysa teki retmenlerden daha iyi deildim. Sadece ok ok daha imandm. Grnm ana babalara gven veriyordu. Ben balarnda olduum srece, ocuklarnn yere dp yaralanmasndan, birbirlerini hrpalamasndan, kesici aletlerle oynamasndan daha az endie ediyorlard, ii ilekli puding kvamnda ve tadnda ryalarla doldurulmu kocaman bir balon gibi, etrafmdaki btn hareketleri yumuatyordum. Ben varken, maket baklar daha az kesici, masalarn kenarlar daha az sivri, itip kakmalar daha az sert, hatta bahedeki kaydraklar bile daha az kaygand. Ben ortalktayken ocuklar gven iindeydi. Belli ki, bu i iin biilmi kaftandm. Ama ben sabahlan kree gitmekte yle zorlanyordum ki. Aslnda, Hayalifener Apartmannn dna kmam gerektirecek hibir ey yapmak istemiyordum. D kapy aar amaz yakama yapveriyor-du eve geri dnme istei. Dary sevmiyordum. Dars sfatlarn diyaryd. imanlm bana hatrlatmak iin birbirleriyle yanyordu kreteki ocuklar. Btn gn etrafnda pofur pofur sigara iilen biri akam eve gittiinde

she simply turned her head in that direction without being daunted or losing hope. Then one afternoon, fed up with this surveillance, the sun roasted the sunflower with his bright yellow rage. While smoke was still rising from the sunflower, people rushed to see what had happened.'Wonderful!' said ELIF SHAFAK one of them,'Now we can enjoy cracking this love between our teeth.' That night, watching a sad love story on television, they cracked their sunflower seeds between their teeth. Were going out? Were not avoiding other peoples eyes any more? Tell me, whats changed? Ive found a solution for our situation, he said lowering his voice, and squinting his dark chocolate eyes with childish delight. He remained silent for a few minutes just to fan my curiosity, then added smiling: Tonight you and I are going out in disguise. ay tutulmasi (eclipse of the moon): Sometimes the moon in the sky manages to hide from the gaze of people on earth. As soon as no one can see, she freshens her powder. As hes getting ready, he continues to explain. To go out in disguise is to change your appearance. All of the Sultans used this method to see in person what their empires really looked like. Now we were going to follow this royal tradition, and change our appearance. If we dont look like ourselves, well be able to go out together. Fine, but even if were disguised wont someone recognise us? Someone would, of course, why wouldnt they? I wasnt at all reassured. ayn-al-yakin: Ayn-at-yakin, which is understood as seeing God with the eye of spirit, is the second of three levels. He shaved carefully. When I wiped the foam off his skin, it smelled like peaches. His peach fuzz quivering in the wind of his agitation gave me goose bumps. He undressed behind the screen. When he came out he was wearing one of my bras. As I was trying to figure

nasl salarndaki ttn koklarsa, ben de eve dnmde -i--k-o'nun harflerini kokluyordum salarmda. Artk eve gelir gelmez ilk iim salarm ykamak olmutu. ie gemi harfler dne dne kayboluyordu kvetin deliinde. Ne kadar ampuanlarsam ampuanlayaym gene de kmyordu bazlar. Ptrak gibi yapp kalmlard. O zaman, Be-Ce yardma geliyordu; eliyle tek tek ayklyordu 'Ieri, i'leri, k'leri ve o'lar. Derken bir gn, salanm boyamaya karar verdim. i--k-o'nun harflerinden kurtulamayacam aikrd. Ama uygun bir sa rengiyle grnmez klabilirdim onlan; kir gstermeyen bir kazak gibi. 83 ak: nn kollan arasnda dul kadn, "ak dediin yasak olmaldr," diye mrldanm, "yasak da gzden rak olmal." Oysa delikanl dul kadnla sevitiini herkesin grmesini istiyormu. Bydn bakalarna ispatlamalym. Bu yzden pencereleri hep ak tutuyormu. Ama sokaktan kimse gemiyormu. Derken bir gn, delikanl evde dolarken her zaman kilitli duran, bir kez olsun elini srmedii kapy am. "Aman Tanrm!" diye haykrm. "Bu yzden mi kilitledin herkesi bu odaya? Bizi kimse grmesin diye mi yaptn bunu?" Soru cevabn bekleyedursun, dul kadn, evin kapsn toy delikanlnn zerine kilitleyip gitmi. , Dul kadn yolda bir trtla rastlam. "Gizli m olur musun?" / demi ona. "Gizlenmeye ne gerek var ki?" demi trtl. "Bana olan a-/ kn herkes grsn isterim. O zaman irkinliim azalr." Dul kadn, bir I mddet, trtln yapraklar kemiriini seyretmi. Sonra da koskoca dnyay, irkin trtln zerine kilitlemi. Kinat bulmu karsnda ve ona da ayn soruyu sormu. Yal kinat, "bana olan akn herkes grsn isterim," demi. "O zaman gen grnrm." Dul kadn omuzlarn silkmi. Kocaman bir anahtar demeti varm nasl olsa cebinde. Yal kinat kendi zerine kilitlemi. Yoluna devam etmek iin admn attnda bolua dm. Derken yeni bir anahtar karm cebinden ama ortada kilit grememi. "Aptal

out what he had stuffed it with, my eyes fell onto his hips. He passed coquettishly in front of me. I watched with alarm. It struck me with terror to see the man I love display an attitude Id never seen him THE G A /1 11splay before, and behave in a way that seemed not to acknowledge lie past, to make a lie of the present, and to exclude me. How could he internalise his new appearance so quickly? As if his personality i hanged with his appearance. 1 became restless. My heart sank at the thought of leaving the I l.iyalifener Apartments with B-C. No matter what we wore, how much could we hide from the eyes of others, and for how long? We didnt please anyones eyes. Even if we were in disguise, and even at night, we didnt suit each other. I was afraid to go outside. I didnt like the outside. ayna (mirror): The odalisques in the harem couldn't get their fill of looking at their unsurpassed beauty in the mirrors that had been brought from Venice.Their greatest desire was for the Sultan to see what the mirror showed. I le stood in front of me in a filmy, floral dress that swept the floor, md was wearing mascara as black as olive paste, false eyelashes, butterfly glasses, eyeshadow the colour of blackberries and sprinkled with glitter, with bronze foundation and powdered rouge on his face; his lips were smeared with cherry-coloured lipstick and lined with pencil; he wore a wig the colour of boiled corn, lish-net stockings, and shoes that made him much taller, with mind-boggling heels that from a distance looked like two toy towers. There were large hoop earrings on his ears, a coral necklace on his neck, jangling bracelets on his wrists, giant rings on his fingers, a pea-green, snake-skin bag on one shoulder, and a sad, furry animal tail draped over the other. How and when did he turn into this? When I touched his body to try to sense its secret, he fluttered his false eyelashes flirtatiously. He was in a completely different state

msn? Bolukta kilit ne gezer? Burada boluktan baka bir ey bulamazsn," diye homurdanm boluk. Dul kadn hayran hayran bakm bolua. "yleyse seninle kalaym, ne olur. Aradm sensin!" "Katiyen olmaz," demi boluk. "Sen benimle kalrsan, boluumu doldurursun, o zaman da ben ben olamam." Ardndan, "hadi imdi geri dn," demi boluk, az nceki kabaln affettirmek istercesine tatl bir sesle. "Dn ve btn kaplan a. Brak ksnlar. Onlara ihtiyacn var." Dul kadn boluun szn dinleyip, kilitledii btn kaplan am. Esaretlerinin sona erdiini gren tutsaklar itie kaka kmlar dar; zgrlkten sersemlemi bir halde oraya buraya koutururken birbirlerini yaralamlar. akn ve kzgnm dul kadn. "Sanki imdi daha m iyi oldu?" diye sylenmi. Bu arbedeyi daha fazla grmemek iin kendini evine kilitlemi. Ve bundan sonra ak kendine yasaklam. Kuafrde elime tututurduklan renk katalogu muhteemdi. Ren-grenkti bukleler ama renklerinden ok isimleriydi beni byleyen. Bakr rengi sa buklesinin altnda "Gn batarken trene veda" yazyordu mesela; kzln iddial bir tonuna "Nm- dier fettan", kl rengi bir bukleye "minenin bildikleri", san bir bukleye "Doal sansn", koyu kestane rengi bir bukleye ise "Sobada kestane akamlan" ismi verilmiti, iaret parmamla teker teker okadm bukleleri. Ben olsam farkl renkteki her bukleye yiyeceklerle ilgili bir isim takardm. 84 Kklmden beri renkler hep yiyecekleri antnrd bana. Dnrken, dikkatlice baktm iaret parmama. eytan trnaklan kopartlm, etleri yenmi parmam telala sakladm, kimse grmesin diye. Epey tereddt ettikten sonra, zerinde gm prltlar olan bir buklede karar kldm. smi "Kmrlk karas" idi. "ok yakacak," dedi kuafr. "Yznz zayf gsterecek." Hibir ey demedim. Glcklerine glckle karlk vermedim. nnde oturduum geni aynadan ona baktm. Rahatsz olup, gzlerini kard benden. Nefret ediyordum imanlan aptal zannedenlerden. ay: Asrlar boyunca insanlar ay kendilerine

of mind, and if I didnt take myself in hand quickly, it was clear he was going to go out in disguise without me. ELIF SHAFAK Babil Kulesi (Tower of Babel): People were so curious about God that they decided to build a tower that would pierce the heavens. The construction proceeded quickly. All of the workers worked in harmony and with mutual understanding. But just as they were struggling to reach the limits of the seventh level of the heavens, God gave each workman a different language. The construction stopped because no one could understand each other. Because God didn't want to be seen. I scurried to get ready basilisk: The basilisk is a poisonous animal, and its poison is fatal. The basilisk was a nightmare for travellers who set their sails for unknown lands. These travellers carried all kinds of protective objects to evade its poisonous looks. But the most intelligent of them felt no need for anything but a mirror. What else in the world could stop a basilisk except its own appearance? It took hours. With B-C pulling the corset strings from one side, and me from the other, we succeeded in squeezing in my fat layer by layer. I was covered in sweat. My fat was used to wobbling about freely, and didnt know how to respond to this unexpected pressure. Some of it was weeping with abandon, some of it was swearing heavily, and some of it was begging pitifully for mercy. Some of it, seeking a hole or a rip through which to escape, soon had to accept defeat. The corset squeezed me so tightly it was a miracle I could even move. I was pressed in on all four sides. I was girded in to the north, south, east and west; there was no place for my fat to escape. The rest of the preparations didnt take long. Indeed after such struggle, I had neither strength nor patience left. I sprinkled lots of hair all over myself. My hands, chest and legs were covered with hair. I combed back my coal-black hair and gathered it under my cap. My moustache wasnt so thick, but it would pass. Besides, there THE GAZE

yakn grp, insan yzne benzetmiler, (not: Ayn yzlerini artr!) Dndmde Be-Ce'yi evin iinde sinirli sinirli dolarken buldum. Salarmdaki deiiklii hemen fark etti. Bir iki tatl sz syledi ama belli ki akl baka yerdeydi. Daha nce onu hi bu kadar skkn grmemitim. "Byle giderse sittinsene bitmez bu szlk," diye sylendi, ben mutfakta attracak bir eyler hazrlarken. "Destur, daha balayal ka gn oldu. Ho, ne yaptn da anlam deilim ya." "Hadi gel!" diye bard birden. "Bu gece eve kapanmayalm. Dan kalm." ldrm olmalyd. ay iei: Ay iei gnee k olunca, glmekten knlm btn bitkiler. "Gne gkyzndeki tahtndan bir an bile aynlmaz. Kudretli ve ulalmazdr. Sen kim, o kim. Vazge bu sevdadan," demiler hep bir azdan. Ay iei sesini karmam. Sevdal gzlerini dikmi gnee; bakm bakm bakm. Uzun mddet hibir eyin farkna varmayan gne, nihayet bir gn, ay ieinin baklarn hissetmi zerinde. nce geici bir heves sanm ama zamanla yanldn anlam. Ay iei yle inatym ki, gne tahtn nereye tadysa, ylmadan usanmadan o yne evirmi ban. Derken bir leden sonra, artk bu takipten bkan gne sapsan ga-zabyla kavurmu ay ieini. Daha ay ieinin zerinde simsiyah duman tterken, insanlar akn etmiler olay mahaline. "Yaasn!" demi ilerinden biri."imdi ne gzel itleriz bu ak." Ayn gece televizyonun karsnda ackl bir ak filmine gzya dkerken, itlemiler ayekirdeklerini. 85 "Dar m kacaz? Yoksa artk bakalarnn gzlerinden saknmyor muyuz? Ne deiti syler misin?" "Ben durumumuza bir zm buldum," dedi sesini alaltp, ac ikolata karas incecik gzlerini ocuksu bir sevinle ksarak. Srf merakm krklemek iin birka dakika susup bekledi ve ardndan glmseyerek ekledi: "Sen ve ben bu gece tebdil gezeceiz!" ay tutulmas: Gkyzndeki ay yeryzndeki insanlarn gzlerinden saklanmay

s is no need for a beard. Id become a coarse young man. I raised miv eyebrows to tell B-C to walk in front of me. As I locked the <lnor, he was giggling on the stairs. I le was right. No one would recognise us like this. baykiis (owl):The aunts and uncles used to feed the canaries.They used to love the doves, fly the pigeons, chase away the crows, and make the parrots talk. But the child used to love owls.'That's an unlucky bird. Don't utter its name, don't call it to your roof,'the aunts and uncles would say. The owl is an unlucky bird because it sees at night, because it sees the night. That night we kept the main avenue in sight while we walked ilirough the back streets. With every step, smells of food drifted to me. My nose was constantly following the traces of each smell in this confusion where the most wonderful smells and the most dreadful smells were so mixed together that nothing smelled as it should. The corset was squeezing me, and B-C was pulling me .ilong. Finally, after passing I dont know how many stuffed-mussel stands, I decided I couldnt stand it any more. Before long the stuffed-mussel boys shoulders were shaking with laughter as he removed the empty shells two by two. Enjoy yourself, brother!' Meanwhile, B-C was getting out of control. He wanted to stop and knock back a few beers at every bar we passed, otherwise hed make a fuss. The more he drank, the more he lost control, and the more he lost control the more he drank. When he started trying to pinch the cheeks of the thuggish bouncers outside the bars, it was the last straw. I tried to drag him along by the arm. My brain was throbbing with irritation. As I grew irritable I became more hungry. While I was thinking about where I could eat some gdzleme, B-C was muttering something to the effect that, Im a free woman, I can do what I wish. Holding his arm roughly, I tried to drag him to the gdzleme stand at the end of the street. At that moment, very nearby, a newly rolled gdzleme was sizzling on the dome-shaped ELIF SHAFAK

baarr bazen. Hazr kimse grmyorken, pudrasn tazeler. Bir yandan hazrlanyor, bir yandan da durmadan anlatyordu. Tebdil gezmek, grn deitirmekti. Hemen hemen btn padiahlar, sarayn dndan baknca saltanatlarnn neye benzediini bizzat grebilmek iin bu yola bavurmutu. imdi biz de bu hsrevane gelenee ayak uydurup, grnmz deitirecektik. Biz, biz gibi grnmediimiz mddete, darda beraber dolaabilecektik. "yi de, tebdil gezeni bile tanyan gz kmaz m?" diye mrldandm. kard elbette, niye kmasn ki. Hi iime sinmemiti. ayn-el-yakn: Tann'y gnl gzyle grmek anlamna gelen ayn-el-yakn, aamadan ikincisidir. zenle tra oldu. Kpkleri syrdmda cildi eftali kokuyordu. Telann rzgnyla titreen eftali tyleri iimi rpertiyordu. Paravann arkasnda soyundu. Oradan ktnda sutyenlerimden birini takmt. ini neyle doldurduunu anlamaya alrken, kalalarna takld gzlerim. Krtarak geti nmden. Kaygyla baktm ona. Sevdiim erkein, daha evvel hi grmediim halleri ve ncesini tanma-mazlktan geldike imdiyi yalanlayan, imdiyi yalanladka beni dlayan hareketleri karsnda dehete kaplyordum. Yeni grntsn nasl bu kadar kolay benimseyebilirdi ki? Sanki grnts deitike, kiilii de deiiyordu. Huzursuz olmutum. BeCe ile birlikte Hayalifener Apartmannn dna kmann korkusu dmt yreime. Hangi kla girersek girelim, ne kadar saklanabilirdik ki bakalarnn gzlerinden; hem nereye kadar? Hibir gze hitap etmiyorduk biz. Tebdil de gez-sek, gece de olsa, yakmyorduk birbirimize. Dar kmaktan korkuyordum. Dany sevmiyordum. ayna: Haremdeki cariyeler, Venedik'ten gelen aynalarda emsalsiz gzel86 liklerini seyretmeye doyamazlarm. Aynann gsterdiklerini padiahn da grmesiymi en byk arzulan. Gzlerinde zeytin ezmesi karas rimel, takma kirpikler, kelebek gzlkler, brtlen reeli renginde far, yaldzl pullar;

griddle, absorbing the butter, and was just on the point of turning crisp, while I was writhing with hunger because of some stupid argument. I had to hurry. But before Id taken two steps, a shout from behind made me turn around. Leave the lady alone, man. Did you say something? I blustered to the round-faced man who was walking up to me. I said lady, so what? Or isnt she a lady? cadi (witch): Before roasting Hansel in the oven, the witch wanted to be certain he'd been fattened enough. Every morning she inspected the child's index finger. But the finger was always bony and thin. Because Hansel was tricking the witch by showing her a twig instead of his finger. Since the witch couldn't see well, she never managed to eat Hansel. B-C was winding his finger through his corn-coloured wig, and watching us with a smile that froze my blood. Just as we were about to start fighting, the man and I both stopped to look carefully at what kind of lady we were risking injury for. And both of us decided at the same moment not to drag the matter out. In a hoarse voice I told him to get lost. He made a short speech about not stirring up trouble. We started to back away, without neglecting to give each other dirty looks, until we both bumped into the same invisible wall. camera obscura: An instrument that reverses images. I began to feel my way along the invisible wall that enclosed me. When Id made it half way around the circle, I found myself nose to nose with the round-faced man. As far as I could understand, he too had been feeling his way along the wall, and had made it half way around the circle. This way, when we met again wed both have completed the invisible circle. A crowd had gathered around us. We were surrounded by eyes that had flocked around to watch a fight. THE GAZE 11 was then that I understood that the flame of every street fight is i mned by the eyes that gather around to watch it. Every

yznde bronz fondten, toz allk; kenarlar kalemle izilmi dudaklarnda vine rengi ruj; kafasnda halanm msr sars peruk, bacaklarnda file-li oraplar, ayaklarnda boyunu katbekat ykselten ve uzaktan baknca iki oyuncak kuleye benzeyen, topuklar akla ziyan ayakkablar, zerinde yerleri spren, tiril tiril, yaprak desenli bir elbise ile karmda duruyordu. Kulaklarnda iri, halkav kpeler, boynunda mercan kolyeler, bileklerinde ngr ngr bilezikler, parmaklarnda devasa yzkler, bir omuzunda ylan derisi, bezelye yeili bir anta, teki omuzunda tyl, hznl bir hayvann kuyruu. Ne zaman, nasl byle olmutu? Srrna erebilmek iin vcuduna dokunduumda, takma kirpiklerini krptrarak kikirdedi. Artk o bambaka bir ruh iklimindeydi ve eer elimi abuk tutmazsam, belli ki bu gece bensiz tebdil gezecekti. Babil Kulesi: nsanlar Tann'y o kadar ok merak ediyorlarm ki, onu grebilmek iin ar delen bir kule yapmaya karar vermiler, inaat tez zamanda ykselmi. Btn iiler uyumla, evkle almaktaym. Ama tam da gn yedinci katnn snrlan zorlanrken, Tann her iiye ayn bir dil vermi. Artk kimse kimseyi anlayamad iin inaat durmu. Zira Tann grlmek istemiyormu. Telala hazrlanmaya baladm. Basilisk: Baklan zehirli, zehiri ldrc hayvan. Basilisk, bilinmeyen diyarlara yelken aan seyyahlann korkulu ryasyd. Seyyahlar, onun zehirli baklanndan kurtulmak iin envai eit koruyucu nesne tard. Ama en zeki olanlar, aynadan baka bir eye gerek duymazd. u hayatta Basilisk'i kendi grntsnden baka ne durdurabilirdi ki? Saatler srd. Be-Ce bir yandan, ben bir yandan korsenin iplerini ekitire ekitire, katman katman yalarm sktrmay baardk. Ter iinde kalmtm. Her zaman sereserpe yaylmaya alkn olan yalarm, bu beklenmedik cendere karsnda ne yapacaklarn armt. Bazlar hngr hngr alyor, bazlar okkal kfrler ediyor, bazlar da salya smk yalvanyordu. aktrmadan dar akmak iin korsede bir delik ya da yrtk

street fight is caused by spectators. cemal: Beauty. A beautiful face. In Sufism, a manifestation of God in the form of goodness and beauty. I landed my first punch in his stomach. He doubled over and fell to the ground. I didnt think hed be able to pull himself together quickly, but I was wrong. It was clear he wasnt as inexperienced as I was. He threw his first punch at my nose. My eyes went dark. I l isted warm blood. B-C, whod been left on the other side of the invisible circle, started to scream like mad when he saw the blood. The invisible circle was a boundary. We, the fighters, couldnt get out, and no one from outside could come in to help. B-C, with tears in his eyes, was trying to climb the invisible wall that separated us, struggling to reach me. At that moment something unexpected happened. First, the crowd began to exchange meaningful smiles.Then, just to make the tight more colourful, they opened a door in the invisible wall to let B-C through. As if in a dream, I saw BC dive through the gap with a blood-curdling scream, jump on me, cover me with kisses, then furiously begin destroying his peagreen, snake-skin bag on the roundfaced mans head. The rest was a blur. cennet-cehennem (heaven and hell):The eyes of those who have suffered their punishment in hell and have then been accepted in heaven must forget what they have seen there before they can enter. They took hold of my arms and helped me get up. I didnt have the strength to stand on my feet. I looked at B-C, and saw that his tears had made tracks through the thick rouge on his cheeks. In front of everyone, his eyes shone with pleasure at my having fought for him. We sat on some empty crates outside a grocery store. For ELIF SHAFAK a while, we didnt talk. As people started to drift away in ones and twos, B-C began to kiss my bruises sofdy with his cherry-coloured lipstick. Bruised cherries, I whispered. We embraced each other, and swore once again that we would never hurt each other. I was filled

arayanlar abucak pes etmek zorunda 87 kalmt. Korse beni yle skm, yle sktrmt ki, kprdamam bile bir mucizeydi. Drt bir yandan kstrlmtm. Kuzeyim, gneyim, doum, batm kuatlmt; hibir yere kaamazd yalarm. Hazrlklarn geri kalan ok ksa srd. Zaten onca uratan sonra ne takatim kalmt, ne sabrm. Bol bol kl serpitirdim her bir yanma. Ellerim, gsm, bacaklarm kl iindeydi. Kmrlk karas salarm arkaya tarayp, kasketimin iinde topladm. Bym pek gr saylmazd ama idare ediyordu. Ayrca sakala lzum yoktu. Bkn bir delikanl olmutum. Bir ka iaretiyle, "d nme!" dedim Be-Ce'ye. Ben kapy kilitlerken, o kkrdyordu merdivenlerde. Haklyd. Bizi bu halde hi kimse tanyamazd. bayku: Kanarya beslermi amcalar, teyzeler. Kumrular sever, kartallar ver, gvercinleri uurur, kargalar kovar, papaanlan konutururlar-m. Oysa ocuk baykular severmi. "Uursuz ku o. smini anma, damna arma," dermi teyzeler, amcalar. Uursuz kusmu bayku; gece grd, geceyi grd iin. O gece, ana caddeyi gzden yitirmemeye alarak ara sokaklardan yrdk. Her admda burnuma yemek kokular geliyordu. En nefis kokularn en berbat kokularla sarma dola olduu, hibir eyin asl gibi kokmad bu muazzam karmaada, burnum habire iz sryordu. Derhal bir eyler yemeliydim. Korse sktryor, BeCe ekitiriyordu. Nihayet bilmem kanc kez bir midye dolma tablasnn nnden getiimizde, daha fazla dayanamayacama karar verdim. ok gemeden, midye dolmac ocuk, bir yandan bo kabuklan ikier ikier ayrrken, bir yandan da omuzlarn sarsarak glyordu: "Yarasn abim!" Yaramt yaramasna da, Be-Ce nndan kyordu bu arada. Grdmz her barda muhakkak birka bira yuvarlamak istiyor; aksi takdirde olay karyordu. tike aztyor, azttka iiyordu. Barlarn kaplarndaki zebellalarn yanaklarndan makas almaya kalkmas barda taran son damlayd. Kolunu skp srklemeye altm. Beynim zonkluyordu

with peace. The wind was blowing bruised cherry, I was aching with bruised cherry, my lover was kissing bruised cherry. ceviz asaci (walnut tree): The walnut tree records everything it sees in the shells of its walnuts. That's why no one wants to make love under this tree. When we left with our arms around each other, I thought we would take the shortest route back to the Hayalifener Apartments. But B-C dragged me into the first bar we passed. It was gloomy inside. B-C sat at the bar knocking back one beer after another; I couldnt do anything except retreat into a corner, lean my head back, and wait for the blood to clot. When I did this, I couldnt see B-C. As long as I couldnt see him, I was terrified. As I grew frightened, I grew hungry. cin {jinn): According to the Holy Koran, jinns were created a thousand years before Adam Jinns made of black clay are visible to the human eye, but jinns made of smokeless fire are invisible. There are many types and categories of jinn. Some among them can cause madness. As we sat at the nearest gdzleme place, waiting for the waiter to bring our spinach gdzleme, I did the best I could to behave well towards B-C. It was clear that I couldnt tolerate a second fight that night. Though he didnt seem to notice how tense I was. He was frightfully drunk. He was provoking passers-by, talking nonstop about things I didnt understand at all, and laughing loudly at his own words. Everyones eyes were on us. This wasnt my idea of going out in disguise. THE GAZE t.ckirdek (seed):Tired after travelling a long way over hills and valleys, a traveller stopped to rest under a plane tree. He had olives and bread in his bundle. As he was eating, just for fun, he started spitting the olive seeds as far as he could. A giant approached with enormous steps. He shook his fist and shouted,'Just now one of the olive seeds you flung killed my son. You've murdered my only son.'

sinirden. Sinirlendiimde daha ok ackyordum. Ben nerede bir gzleme yiyebileceimi dnrken; Be-Ce, "ben zgr bir kadnm, dilediimi yaparm" mealinden bir eyler geveliyordu. Hoyrata kolundan tutup, sokan bandaki gzlemeciye doru srklemeye baladm. u anda, ok yaknmda, yeni alm bir gzleme, sacn zerinde trtlar eliinde, tereyan eme eme pierken, ben sama sapan bir tartma yznden alktan kvranyor88 dum. Hzlanmalydm. Ama, daha iki adm atmtm ki, arkadan gelen bir sesle olduum yere ivilendim. "Braksana lan hannnnfennnndiyi." "Bi ey mi dedin?" diye horozlandm stme stme yryen ablak yzl adama. Korseye ramen heybetli grnyor olmalydm. Ama adam benden korkmua benzemiyordu. "Hannfennndi dedim nolcek. Yoksa hannnfennndi deil mi kendileri?" cad: Cad, Hansel'i frnda piirmeden nce onun iyice semirdiinden emin olmak istiyordu. Her sabah ocuun iaret parman kontrol ediyordu. Ama parmak hep kemikli ve incecikti. nk Hansel cady kandrmak iin parmann yerine bir aa dal uzatyordu. Cadnn gzleri iyi grmediinden, bir trl Hansel'i yiyemiyordu. BeCe halanm msr sars peruunun ularn parmana dolam, kanm donduran bir tebessmle bize bakyordu. Kapmamza ramak kala, adam da, ben de, nasl bir hanfendi uruna kellemizi tehlikeye atacamzdan emin olabilmek iin durup dikkatle onu inceledik. Ve ikimiz de ayn anda bu ii daha fazla uzatmamaya karar verdik. Ben bouk bir sesle yaylanmasn syledim adama. O da, irkefe bulamamak zerine ksa bir nutuk att. Birbirimize kt kt bakmay ihmal etmeden, geri geri uzaklamaya balamtk ki, ayn anda, ayn grnmez duvara tosladk. camera obscura: Grnty baaa yanstan aygt. Ellerimle yoklaya yoklaya, etrafm kuatan saydam duvar boyunca ilerlemeye baladm. Yarm ember boyu gittiimde, ablak yzl adamla burun buruna geldim. Anladm kadaryla, tpk benim gibi eliyle yoklaya yoklaya, yarm ember dnmt o da. Bylece, saydam

The traveller was bewildered.'How could that be? It's impossible.Think about it. What's a tiny little seed next to a huge giant?'The giant was confused. In order to understand whether or not the traveller was in the right, he started looking at one of the olive seeds that had fallen to the ground. He looked and looked/ he looked day and night, through sun and rain, over seasons. He went away, then came back and looked again. A long time later the giant roared,'Ah, so, what's a tiny little seed next to a huge giant, ha? Before long I was going to start believing this lie.' The giant thought it was just for the traveller, who somehow couldn't convince the angry giant of the difference between looking at a seed 'now' and 'looking at it years later; to bow his head for his punishment under the olive tree that was growing next to the plane tree. 'Why are you so uncomfortable, sugar? Or does it frighten you that everyones looking at us? B-C asked ill-temperedly. And then, lumping to his feet, he continued talking in a voice that everyone could hear, knowing that everyone was watching him. Of course. Within the four walls of home you want us to be playful and flirtatious, even whorish, but as soon as we step outside you want us to be demure and proper little ladies.You have no idea that when youre playing with our appearance youre playing with our pride. Arent you men? Youre all the same. If we went out and did a tenth of what you want us to do at home, youd cry for blood immediately. Am I lying? Enough! I object to the splitting of my personality: If only the earth had opened and swallowed me up, or one of the busboys had showed me a secret passage under the table ELIF SHAFAK through which I could slip away, or my corset had burst and me and my warmly dripping fat had been flung for miles, if only I could immediately have disappeared forever. By now everyone in the place must have stopped whatever

ember tamamlanm olmutu ikimiz tekrar bulutuumuzda. Etrafmz sarlmt. Etrafmz, kavga seyretmeye enlerin gzleriyle kuatlmt. Bu emberden kabilmenin tek yolu vard: dvmek! Ve ben ite o zaman anladm ki, her sokak kavgasnn alevi, bir sokak kavgas seyretmek zere oraya toplaanlann gzleriyle harla-nr. Her sokak kavgasn, seyircileri kartr. \J cemal: Gzellik. Gzel yz. Tasavvufta, Tann'nn iyilik ve gzellik eklindeki tecellisi. lk yumruumu midesine indirdim. ki bklm yere kapakland. Kolay kolay toparlanamaz sanmtm, yanlmm. Benim gibi acemi 89 olmad aikrd. lk yumruunu burnuma att. Gzlerim karard. Ilkt kann tad. Saydam emberin br tarafnda kalan Be-Ce, kan grnce ciyak ciyak barmaya balamt. Saydam ember huduttu. Ne biz dvenler dar kabiliyorduk, ne de dardan birileri yardma gelebiliyordu. Be-Ce gzyalar iinde, bizi ayran grnmez duvar trmalyor, yanma gelebilmek iin rpnyordu. Derken, beklenmedik bir ey oldu. nce imal bir tebessmle yle bir dalgaland kalabalk. Sonra da srf seyir renklensin diye, Be-Ce'nin geebilmesi iin bir kap araland effaf duvarda. Hayal me-yal, BeCe'nin canhra lklarla o aralktan ieri dalp, zerime atldn, beni pck ve iltifat yamuruna tuttuunu; ardndan, hmla frlayp ylan derisi, bezelye yeili antasn ablak yzl adamn kafasnda paralamaya baladn grdm. Gerisi alabildiine bulankt. ^ cennetcehennem: Cehennemde cezalarn ektikten sonra cennete kabul edilenlerin gzleri, cennete girmeden evvel, darda brakmal cehennemde grdklerini. Kollanma girip, yerden kalkmama yardm ettiler. Ayakta duracak halim kalmamt. Be-Ce'ye baktm, bol allkl yanaklarnda ackl patikalar izmiti dkt gzyalar. Herkesin ortasnda, onun uruna dvm olmamdan duyduu memnuniyet iiyordu gzbebeklerinde. Bir bakkaln nndeki bo kasalarn zerine oturduk. Konumadk bir sre.

they were doing and were waiting to see what my reaction would be. For my part, I couldnt take my eyes off the stains on the edge of the plate, full of warm spinach gdzleme, that the waiter had just brought. Dabbetularz:Tbe animal that will emerge from the earth on the Day of Judgement. It has the head of a bull, the ears of an elephant, the legs of a camel and the tail of a hyena. It will paint the faces of the believers white, and the faces of the unbelievers black. The good and the evil will be known by the colour of their faces. When we finally returned to the Hayalifener Apartments at the end of that long night, B-C couldnt wait for me to open the door. And wouldnt you know it, the key got stuck in the lock. While I was struggling with the door, he suddenly threw back his head and made a sound as if he was choking. Just in time I realised what the sound meant, and was able to get out of the way. He vomited all over the walls, the corridor, and his boiled-corn coloured wig. Then, as if that wasnt enough, he went and vomited on the neighbour-ladys doormat. I was hurrying so much I was shaking. In any event, the key didnt give me any more trouble, and the door opened. As the door opened, B-C pushed me aside and rushed inside in one motion. Just in front of the bathroom he lost his balance and fell noisily off his lofty highheels. He was so drunk he wasnt even aware hed hurt himself. Ef!:T\ne female viper Eff first lost the eyes with which she saw. Later, when she encountered the Razyanc tree, she lost her blindness. (Research:The dried heart of Eft, who first lost the eyes with which she saw, and then lost the eyes with which she didn't see, is considered a talisman against any kind of spell.) THE GAZE When he came out of the toilet he looked terrible. Hed returned liis former height, hed smeared cherrycoloured lipstick all over himself, all of his make-up had run and mixed together, his fish-net i ( h kings had run from top to bottom, the hair that had been plastered u

Etraftakiler birer ikier uzaklarken, Be-Ce, vine rengi rujuyla usul usul pyordu rklerimi. "Vine r," diye fsldadm. Birbirimize sarlp, bir daha birbirimizi asla incitmeyeceimize dair karlkl yeminler ettik. Huzur doluydum. Rzgr vine r esiyor, canm vine r yanyor, sevgilim vine r pyordu. ceviz aac: Grd her eyi cevizlerinin kabuklarna resmedermi ceviz aac. Kimse bu aacn altnda sevimek istemezmi bu yzden. Sarma dola oradan uzaklarken, en ksa yoldan Hayalifener Apartmanna dneceimizi zannediyordum. Oysa Be-Ce nmze kan ilk bara ekitire ekitire soktu beni. Lotu ierisi. Be-Ce barda oturmu, biralar st ste yuvarlarken; ben, ekildiim kede boynumu geriye atm, burnumdan akan kann dinmesini beklemekten baka bir ey yapamyordum. Byle yapnca da Be-Ce'yi gremi-yordum. O gr alanmn dnda kaldnda, korkuya kaplyordum. Korktuka ackyordum. 90 cin: Kuran' Kerim'e gre cinler, Hz. Adem'den bin yl nce yaratlmtr. Kara balktan yaratlan insan gze grnen varlktr, dumansz ateten yaratlan cin ise gze grnmeyen. Cin taifesi blk blk, eit eittir. lerinden bazlar cinnet sebebidir. En yakndaki gzlemecide oturmu, garsonun spanakl gzlemelerimi getirmesini beklerken, elimden geldiince iyi davranyor-dum Be-Ce'ye. Bu gece ikinci bir kavgay kaldramayacam ortadayd. Oysa o benim ne kadar gergin olduumu fark etmie benzemiyordu. Krktk sarhotu. Gelip geenlere satayor, hi durmadan, hi anlamadm eylerden bahsediyor ve kendi anlattklarna kahkahalarla glyordu. Herkesin gz bizim zerimizdeydi. Ve benim tebdil gezmekten anladm bu deildi. ekirdek: Dere tepe yol gidip epeyce yorulduktan sonra yolcu, bir narn altnda mola vermi. Zeytin ve ekmek varm knnda. Bir yandan yiyor, bir yandan da, srf oyun olsun diye, zeytinlerin ekirdeklerini mmkn olduunca uzaa tkryormu. Derken dev gelmi kocaman

iicier the wig was sticking out strand by strand, and the eyes that 11.ill been so fiery and alive all night seemed wrapped in a sad silence. Ilf stood before me with his oversized hands clasped together and wearing a pouting expression. It was clear he was going to be very i hamed of himself, if he had the strength to be ashamed. Elsa'nin gozleri (Elsa's eyes): Elsa's eyes are the residue of sadness. Poets sift through the sadness, and children through the residue. As he threw himself onto the bed he whispered sadly. I wouldnt have wanted you to see me this way. In this state/ But it pleased me a great deal to see him in this state. To tell the truth, it was quite pleasant to see him in this wretched and disgraceful state, because he always seemed to know what he was doing, and took everything seriously, and wore himself out thinking deeply about every problem, and could always guess everyones story, and so get a fix on their weaknesses, and succeeded and behaved towards everyone, people he knew as well as people he didnt know, with an authority that someone with his small frame might not have hoped for. fal (fortune-telling): Every method of fortune-telling wishes to see the future. It's not enough just to see, one has to make others believe one can see. (Example: Apollo gave Cassandra the ability to tell fortunes. But when Cassandra turned down his proposal of marriage, Apollo punished her by'making others disbelieve what she saw.') In the morning when I was getting ready for work, I looked and saw that he was up, sullenly making coffee. We came face to face. ELIF SHAFAK Tell your eyes to forget what you saw last night, he said halfjokingly. I dont think so, I said. They wont forget. Anything? he asked in an annoyed tone. Anything, I said, not knowing why I was resisting him this way. I dont think so, he said. Theyll forget.

admlaryla. Yumruklarn skp, "demin frlattn ekirdeklerden biri benim olumu ldrd," diye haykrm. "Sen benim biricik olumun katilisin." Yolcu afallam. "Nasl olur? Mmkn deil. Gznn nne getir bir kere. Nedir ki mini minnack bir ekirdek koskoca bir devin yannda?" Devin kafas karm. Yolcunun hakl olup olmadn anlamak iin yere den zeytin ekirdeklerinden birine bakmaya balam. Bakm, bakm/ gnler, geceler, yamurlar, gneler, mevsimler boyu bakm. Gidip gelip tekrar bakm. Nice sonra dev, "ah, demek, nedir ki mini minnack bir ekirdek koskoca bir devin yannda, ha? Az kalsn inanacaktm yalanna!" diye grlemi. Bir ekirdee "imdi bakmak" ile "seneler sonra bakmak" arasndaki fark fkeli deve bir trl kabul ettiremeyen yolcu, narn yannda boyveren zeytin aacnn altnda boyun emi devin reva grd cezaya. "Yapma!" diye yalvardm. Ispanakl gzlemeler hl gelmemiti. Gerginliim giderek artyordu. "Biraz daha yava olamaz msn? Herkes bize bakyor." "Niin bu kadar rahatsz oldun ekerim? Yoksa herkesin bize bakmas seni rktyor mu?" dedi Be-Ce irrete. Ve ardndan ayaa frlayp, herkesin duyabilecei bir sesle ve herkesin ona baktn bile bile srdrd konumasn. "Tabii ya. Evde, drt duvar arasnda en akrak, oynak kvrak, hatta ve hatta kahpe kaltak olmamz beklersiniz ama dar kar k91 maz hanm hanmck, kuzu kuzucuk grnmeliyiz di mi? Grnmzle oynarken gururumuzla oynuyosunuz da haberiniz yok. Erkek di misiniz? Topunuz aynsnz. Ulan bu ne sahtekrlktr gidiyor ortalkta. Artk bi karar verin ne istediinize. Evde bizden istediklerinizin onda birini darda yapmaya kalksak, annda kan karrsnz. Yalan m? Yeter be! Valla da billa da yeter artk. Kiilik blnmesinden ikyetiyim." Keke yer yanlsayd da iine girseydim, komilerden biri masann altnda gizli bir geit gsterseydi de svabilseydim, korsem pat-lasayd da lk lk akan yalarmn eliinde

Fames: Fames, the god of hunger, lived in a land of boundless appetite covered by inedible plants, razor-like ridges of ice and never-melting snow. He was so thin, so very thin, that from a distance he resembled a heap of bones. From his lips, bitten to shreds and blue with cold, emerged the names of the foods of which he dreamed:The agony of hunger could be read in the sharp glances of his lustreless, blackened eyes. His face was yellow and wizened, and his skin was dried out. His fingers were very thin from being sucked on. From time to time he started to eat himself, and had teeth marks all over him. Fames' breath smelled worse than rotten eggs. Whoever smelled it once would hence remain hungry. Whoever was poisoned by Fames' breath would remain unsated no matter how much he ate. Hunger ate at them even as they ate their food. Because it wasn't their stomachs that could not be filled, but their eyes. I felt distressed as soon as I left the Hayalifener Apartments. I wanted to go back home and not go out for the rest of the day. The hill seemed steeper than ever, and the route more complicated than ever. The easiest thing to do would be to take a taxi, but I cant be taking taxis every day. To think about wheezing up the steep steps of the bus at this hour of the morning, to make my way down the crowded aisle and push and shove to make room for myself, to think about the eyes that would be watching me the whole way, made my feet want to turn and go back home. There was a minibus route between the Hayalifener Apartments and the nursery school; but minibuses were the worst of all. When I forced myself to walk again, terrible wheezing sounds THE GAZE merged from my chest.With every step I felt how chapped my legs were, and I had to stop frequently. I was accustomed to this much. Movement has always been difficult for me. But now, moving in older to do something I didnt want to do, it was not just my body i hat resisted, but also my soul. As I struggled up the hill, passers-by

kilometrelerce teye savrulabilseydim, keke hemen ve hatta ebediyyen yok olabilseydim/ Utancmdan kimsenin yzne bakamyordum. Gzlemecideki herkes iini gcn brakm benim ne tepki vereceimi seyrediyor olmalyd. Bense, garsonun yeni getirdii, scack spanakl gzlemelerle dolu taban kenarndaki lekelerden alamyordum gzlerimi. Dabbetlarz: Kyamet gn yerden kacak olan hayvan. Bir boann kafasna, bir filin kulaklarna, bir devenin ayaklarna, bir srtlann kuyruuna sahiptir. nananlarn yzlerini beyaza, inanmayanlarnkini siyaha boyayacaktr. Renklerle birlikte, iyiler ve ktler de grnr olacaktr. O uzun gecenin sonunda nihayet Hayalifener Apartmanna dndmzde, Be-Ce kapy amam bekleyemedi. Aksi gibi anahtar tutukluk yapmt. Ben kapyla bouurken, o birden kafasn geriye atp bouluyormu gibi bir ses kartt. Son anda bu sesin hikmetini zp, kenara ekilmeyi akl edebildim. Duvarlara, koridora, halanm msr sars peruuna kustu. Yetmezmi gibi gidip bir de komu kadnn paspasnn zerine kustu. Aceleden elim ayam titriyordu. Neyse ki anahtar daha fazla zorluk karmad, kap ald. Kapnn almasyla, Be-Ce'nin beni bir kenara itip, ieri koturmas bir oldu. Tam banyonun nnde dengesini kaybedip, devasa ayakkablarnn zerinden grltyle yere dt. O kadar sarhotu ki, cannn yandn bile fark etmemiti. Ef : Dii engerek ylan Ef , nce gren gzlerini kaybetmi. Razyanc aacna rastladktan sonra da, krln kaybetmi, (artr: Evvela gren gzlerini, ardndan grmeyen gzlerini kaybeden Ef 'nin kurutulmu yrei her trl byye kar tlsm addedilmi.) Tuvaletten ktnda berbat grnyordu. Boyu eski haline dnm, vine rengi ruju stne bana bulam, makyaj boy ilan 92 akp birbirine karm, fleli oraplar boydan boya kam, peruun altnda yapan salar tel tel havaya kalkm, gece boyunca velfecri okuyan gzleri ackl bir sessizlie brnmt. Cssesine

r.ive me worried looks. fotosraf albumleri (photograph albums): Photograph albums are taken out of the closet at regular intervals to remind the eye only of the good things it has seen. Each time, it will examine the photographs with curiosity, as if it were seeing them for the first time; with curiosity and in strict order: infancy, childhood, youth, marriage, infancy, childhood, youth/ When I reached the top of the hill drenched in sweat, I stopped to catch my breath. Id made a very definite decision. I couldnt go on like this. I was going to go on a diet. TWO OPENYOUR EYES! Pera1885 After the evening call to prayer, the eastward-facing door of the cherry-coloured tent was opened for men. At that moment the men, who acted as if they wanted to prove that they were there by coincidence, and had come to the tent not out of curiosity but to see what everyone else was curious about, wearing indifferent expressions as if they were just going to take a quick look and leave, entered the eastward-facing door of the cherrycoloured tent with casual steps. The mens section of the tent had been set aside for them. It didnt matter what nation they were from, what language they spoke or what religion they believed in; it was sufficient that they were men. And also that they arrive one by one. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi had laid down this condition: every man had to come here by himself. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi loved to examine the different faces of the moon. And he used to say that the eastward-facing door of the cherry-coloured tent was the dark side of the moon. He also used to tell a strange story about this. According to the story, what the dark side of the moon feared most was to not be loved; and also for his eyes to be seen weeping. And if anyone happened to see that he had wept, his male pride was inflamed. For years, he had kept two crystal marbles next to his testicles. He

gre hep fazla byk olan ellerini birbirine kavuturmu, kskn dudaklarn aaya sarktm ylece duruyordu karmda. Belli ki ok utanacakt, eer hali olsayd utanmaya. Elsa'nn gzleri: Bir hzn tortusudur Elsa'nn gzleri. airler hznnde einir, ocuklar tortusunda. Yataa ylrken kederle fsldad. "Beni byle grmeni hi istemezdim. Bu halde/ " Oysa onu bu halde grmek benim ok houma gitmiti. Her zaman ne yaptn gayet iyi biliyor grnen, her eyi ciddiye alan, her mevzuya uzun uzun kafa yoran; insanlarn hikyelerini tahmin, dolaysyla da zayflklarn tespit etmekte hi zorluk ekmeyen ve tant, tand herkesin karsnda cssesinden umulmayacak bir iktidar kurmay baaran BeCe'nin, en sefil, en rezil hallerini grmek, dorusu pek hotu. fal: Her fal eidi gelecei grmek ister. Sadece grmek yetmez; bir de, grebildiine inandrmak gerekir. (rnek: Tanr Apollon, Kassand-ra'ya falclk yetenei vermiti. Ama Kassandra evlenme teklifini geri evirince, Tanr Apollon onu, "grdne inandramamak"la cezalandrmt.) Sabah ben ie gitmeye hazrlanrken, baktm o da kalkm, ask bir suratla kahve yapyor. Gz gze geldik. "Gzlerine syle, dn gece grdklerini unutsunlar," dedi yan aka, yar ciddi. "Sanmam," dedim. "Unutmazlar." "Hibir eyi mi?" dedi ters bir sesle. "Hibir eyi," dedim, neden byle direttiimi bilmeden. "Sanmam," dedi. "Unuturlar." Fames: Hayrsz otlarla, kltan keskin buzlarla, asla erimeyen karlarla kapl usuz bucaksz itah diyarnda yaarm alk tanrs Fames. O kadar zayf, o kadar zayfm ki, uzaktan bakldnda bir kemik ynn andnrm. Isrlmaktan paralanm, souktan morarm dudaklarndan hayalini kurduu yemeklerin isimleri dklr; feri kam, etraf simsiyah hlelerle kuanm keskin bakl gzlerinde aln zdra-b okunurmu.Yz sapsar, derisi kupkuruymu. Salar, kemirilmekten diken diken, krpk krpkm. Parmaklan, emilmekten incecik kal93

had stolen them when he was a child; at the cost of becoming a thief of his own possessions. / so his intentions couldnt be read in his eyes/ head on the ELIF SHAFAK ground/ heart in his mouth/ with timid steps/ he approached/ the most troublesome in the neighbourhood/ the biggest/ the child who swore most/ the truth/ so cowardly/ to hide/ should have come out fighting/ by ones own efforts/ should have taken it back/ the crystal marbles/ isnt that so/ this gift/ a God never seen/ or perhaps/ at the head of the street/ saints in their tombs/ given to him/ isnt that so/ the one under the pillow/ two copper coins/ however that happened/ one multicoloured morning/ two crystal marbles/ given/ in any event/ what to say/ not to hold ones tongue/ the one who comes to the front/ displaying the marbles/ snatched from his hands/ and for whom?/ the most troublesome in the neighbourhood/ the biggest/ the child who swore most/ who shouted at the top of his voice/ without any shame/ in front of everyone/ these are mine now/ come take them if you can/ it wasnt easy/ the dark side of the moon was?/ he waited/ for how long/ the troublesome child/ went to urinate/ and then/ stole/ what had been stolen from him/ with his heart in his mouth/ head on the ground/ so his intentions couldnt be read in his eyes/ The dark side of the moon ran for hours with the crystal marbles in his hand; he ran in the direction in which his fear chased him. He hid them in a place where that oaf would never get his hands on them. After thinking it over for a long time he decided that his own flesh was the safest place. He understood that hed spent his manhood to get the miraculous marbles. Since, having held tight the mane of the horse of passion just like a woman, without thinking about or weighing what he was spurring, without even wanting to think, hed galloped off at full speed to get back what had been taken from him; since there was no one with even an atom of courage to stand up to the neighbourhood bully, to win back

m. Zaman zaman kendini yemeye teebbs ettii iin vcudunun her taraf di izleriyle doluymu. Fames'in nefesi, rk yumurtadan beter kokarm. Bunu bir kez koklayan, bundan byle hep a gezermi. Fames'in nefesiyle zehirlenenler, ne kadar yemek yerlerse yesinler, asla doymazlarm. Onlar yiyecekleri, alk da onlar kemirirmi. nk doymak bilmeyen mideleri deil, gzleriymi. Hayalifener Apartmannn dna kar kmaz iimi bir sknt kaplad. Hemen eve dnmek istiyordum ve btn gn evden kmamak. Yoku her zamankinden dik, yol her zamankinden etrefil grnyordu gzme. En kolay bir taksi tutmakt imdi ama her gn her gn taksiye binmeye devam edemezdim. Sabahn bu saatlerinde hncahn olan otobslerin o yksek basamaklarn hrltlar arasnda kp, tklm tklm koridorda iti kak kendime yer amam gerektiini, sonra da yol boyunca beni seyredenlerin gzleriyle cebelleecei-mi dndke ayaklarm geri geri gidiyordu. Bir de minibs hatt vard Hayalifener Apartman ile krein arasnda; ama minibsler beterin beteriydi. Gene de kendimi yrmeye zorladmda, gsmden korkun hrltlar ykselmeye balad. Her admda bacaklarmdaki yaralarn tahri olduunu hissediyor, ikide bir durmak zorunda kalyordum. Bunlara alkndm. Hareket etmek her zaman zor olmutu benim iin. Ama imdi, istemediim bir eyi yapmak zere harekete getiimde, sadece gvdem deil, ruhum da direniyordu. Ben orada debelenirken, yokuu inip kanlar endieyle beni izliyordu. fotoraf albmleri: Gzn, gemite grdklerinden sadece gzel olanlar hatrlamasn salamak iin, belli aralklarla dolaptan karlr fotoraf albmleri. Her defasnda sanki ilk defa baklyormuasna merakla incelenir fotoraflar; merakla ve muhakkak srayla: bebeklik, ocukluk, genlik, evlilik, bebeklik, ocukluk, genlik/ Kan ter iinde yokuun dibine vardmda, durup biraz soluklandm. Artk kesinkes kararm vermitim. Byle devam edemezdim. Rejime balayacaktm. 94

what had been lost; in any event, after this he was never going to go out in the street, he wouldnt run with his friends but would sit in the window just like a young girl. To give due credit, the one who had taken his manhood had to be part of his manhood. The THE GAZE crystal dreams of his first and last act of heroism, his first and last stand against injustice. Since that day, he would piss his fear as far away as possible. And he was particularly afraid of not being loved; and also of his eyes being seen to have wept. Both of them led to the same result; loneliness. The reason he stayed completely alone was not being loved and his tears having been seen. I he story Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi told about the dark ide of the moon was something like this. And he wouldnt tell this story for nothing. He knew that men were most prone to loneliness. Simply in order not to be alone, men would rush outside as soon as the sky grew dark, first to find the consolation of the company of others, and then of one anothers conversation; but as time passed, the broth of friendship was spoiled. Whenever they came together, especially if they were a little tipsy, gaining strength learning of their strength from one another, they would run after cheap acts of heroism. So what if men could find the opportunity to prune the knotted branches of the tree of their childhood nightmares once in a lifetime. After the spell has turned copper into crystal, its gone and wont return. Alchemy was a door that decided on its own who was going to look for it when. For this reason, missed opportunities were never to present themselves again. So when he didnt get what he wanted, the dark side of the moon grew even darker. And if what he wanted belonged to someone else, he would seize the first opportunity to take it. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi knew that men mostly stole from one another; when they saw the opportunity, they wouldnt hesitate to steal one anothers happiness. This was the

K "A GZN!" Pera-1885 Akam ezanndan sonra, vine rengi adrn douya bakan kaps erkekler iin alrd. Erkekler o anda, orackta bulunularnn bir tesadften ibaret olduunu, meraktan deil de srf ahalinin neyi merak ettiini grmek iin bu adra geldiklerini, zaten yle bir bakp kacaklarn ispatlamak istercesine umursamaz baklar, telasz admlarla girerlerdi vine rengi adrn douya bakan kapsndan ieri. Koca adnn selamlk ksm onlara tahsis edilmiti. Hangi millete mensup olduklar, hangi dili konuup hangi dine inandklar mhim deildi; erkek olmalar kfiydi. Bir de, teker teker gelmeleri. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi art komutu: her erkek buraya tek bana gelmeliydi. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi, ayn farkl yzlerini incelemeyi severdi. Ve vine rengi adrn douya bakan kapsnn, ayn karanlk yz olduunu sylerdi. Bir de tuhaf bir hikye anlatrd onun hakknda. Hikyeye gre, ayn karanlk yz sevilmemekten korkarm en ok; bir de, gzlerinin aladnn grlmesinden. Olur da aladn gren karsa, erkeklik daman kabarr, sustasna baslm ak gibi frlarm ayaa. Senelerden bu yana, iki billur misket saklarm hayalarnda. Ta ocukken alm onlar; hem de zaten kendine ait olann hrsz olma pahasna. / yapacaklar gzlerinden okunmasn diye/ ba yerde/ yrei aznda/ rkek admlarla/ yaklam/ mahallenin en belal/en iri/ en 95 kfrbaz ocuuna/ geri/ byle dlek dlek/ saklanacana/ kp dvmeliymi/ bileinin hakkyla/ geri almalym/ billur misketlerini/ deil mi ki/ bu hediyeyi/ hi grmedii Tanr/ ya da belki/ sokan bandaki/ sandukal evliya/ ona vermi/ deil mi ki/ yastnn altndaki/ iki bakr ake/ nasl olduysa/ bir sabah alacasnda/ iki billur misket/ oluvermi/ yleyse/ne demeye/ dilini tutamayp/ nne gelene/ misketleri gsterip/ elinden kaptrm/ hem de kime?/ mahallenin en belal/ en iri/ en kfrbaz ocuuna/ ki

reason they had to come separately. In order to enter the eastwardfacing door they had to climb the hill by themselves, .ind to remain alone until they reached a certain cherry tree. Some of the men accepted these conditions from the start. Most of them were of noble birth, or wished to appear so. Theyd climb ELIF SHAFAK the hill like princes. Starting out at the bottom of the hill alone, they arrived at the mouth of the tent by themselves. And some, knowing full well that they would have to separate, climbed together until the last possible moment. Most of these were of the masses, or wished to appear so. They preferred to bend their necks together rather than start out alone. No matter how much they delayed, what they were postponing was waiting for them at the fountain on the hill. When they arrived at the fountain, they would distance themselves from their travelling companions as if they had a contagious disease. The fountain was very pleased with itself; it sprayed water about enthusiastically. The men would lower their lips to the ice-cold water, and drink deeply. When their sweat dried and they started off again, each one remained alone. As their legs shook with the effort like the legs of new-born animals, those who had accepted solitude at the bottom of the hill strode past them haughtily. Those now-alone imitated those who had already been alone; though without letting on that they were doing so. From here on everyone was by themselves. Thus the lips of conversation between old friends and strangers were sealed. An indistinct fear would seize the shore of their hearts. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendis orders were categorical; since each man had to arrive alone, not even fear could keep him company. For this reason, those who were climbing the hill would loosen the fingers of fear one by one. When theyd dissolved the last finger, fear would roll over a bottomless cliff; taking part of their courage with it. The men, with the cries of their courage as it crashed down the

utanmadan bir de/ bas bas barm/ herkesin ortasnda/ "benim oldu bunlar"/ "kolaysa gel al!"/ kolay deilmi/ ayn karanlk yz trsm/ beklemi/ ne zaman ki/ belal ocuk/ iemeye gitmi/ ancak o zaman/ alm/ kendinden alnan/ yrei aznda/ ba yerde/ yaptklar gzlerinden okunmasn diye/ Ayn karanlk yz, elinde billur misketleriyle komu saatlerce; komu korkunun kovalad yne. yle bir yere saklamalym ki onlar, hoyratn eline gememelilermi bir daha. Kendi etinden baka hibir yerin yeterince gvenli olmadna karar vermi epeyce dnp tandktan sonra. Anlam ki, erkekliini harcam mucizevi misketlerin uruna. Madem ki, tpk bir kadn gibi arzu atnn yelesine smsk tutunarak, neyi mahmuzladn tartp dnmeden, dnmeyi dahi istemeden, doludizgin koturmu elinden alnan geri alabilmek iin; madem ki zerre kadar cesareti yokmu mahallenin en belal ocuuna meydan okumaya, kaybettii itibar kazanmaya; yleyse bundan sonra bir daha asla sokaklara kamayacak, arkadalaryla koturamayacak ve tpk bir kz ocuu gibi pencere kenannda bekleyecekmi boyunun atmasn. Hak yerini bulsun diye, erkekliini elinden alan, erkekliinin paras klmalym. mrnn ilk ve son kahramanl, hakszla kar ilk ve son isyanym billur hayalan. O gn bugndr, en uzaa iermi korkulann. Ve bilhassa sevilmemekten korkarm; bir de gzlerinin aladnn grlmesinden. Zaten her ikisi de ayn kapya karm: yalnzla. Sevilmemek de, alarken grlmek de, yapayalnz kalma sebebiymi. \ Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'nin ayn karanlk yz hakknda anlatt hikye aa yukan byle bir eydi. Ve o, bu hikyeyi bo yere anlatmazd. Bilirdi ki, yalnzlk en ok erkeklere koyard. Erkekler srf gece yalnz kalmamak iin hava karanr kararmaz kendilerini darya atp, nce birbirlerini, sonra da birbirlerinin sohbetinde aradklan teselliyi bulur; ama vakit ilerledike, okluktan 96 bokluk damtp, clkn kanrlard iki kadeh arkadaln. Ne vakit

cliff ringing in their ears, thrust themselves with difficulty through the eastward-facing door of the cherry-coloured tent. Even at that moment the men, who acted as if they wanted to prove that they were there by coincidence, and had come to the tent not out of curiosity but to see what everyone else was curious about, wearing indifferent expressions as if they were just going to take a quick look and leave, entered the eastward-facing door of the cherry-coloured tent with casual steps. THE GAZE Most of them were on foot. Yes, those who insisted on climbing (he hill in a carriage could become the victims of unexpected accidents. One never knew. Sometimes everything went smoothly, md the horses succeeded in reaching the top of the hill covered in sweat. Sometimes the carriage would slip on the ice and overturn. It would tumble and slip back down to the starting point of the voyage. Having seen many incidents of injury from this kind of occurrence, most of the men would get out of their carriages at the bottom of the hill and struggle up by their own efforts. Sometimes, pretty gentlemen would be seen in litters.They would climb the hill with dignified expressions on the shoulders of their strong powerful servants. But as is the way of the world, these too overturned from time to time. Those who turned and looked back when they reached the top of the hill could see the sea. The sea was blue, bluer than blue; it was hostage to its own clear stillness. Once in a while some men got a crazy idea. To their eyes, the sea looked like a still and silent womb. Now/ neither complaining about poverty nor earning their living; as if/ only but only existing within was enough for all theyd desired, to set out on journeys not taken, to go back and forth between different lands. In any event, the ball of wool that was their common-sense waited in alarm. The loosening thread was soon re-wound. Those who held unrealistic dreams remembered that holding unrealistic dreams was not appropriate. As Keramet Mumi Keke

bir araya gelseler, hele de kafalar az buuk dumanlysa, birbirlerinden kuvvet ve kuvvetlerinden feyz alarak, bakr ake kahramanlklar peinde koarlard. Ne var ki, hayatta bir kez geerdi erkeklerin eline, ocukluk ka-rabasanlannn dall budakl aalarn budama frsat. Bakn billura eviren efsun, gitti mi dnmezdi asla. Zaten kime ne zaman aralanacana kendi bana karar veren bir kapyd simya. Bu yzden de, kaan frsatlar geri gelmezdi bir daha. Oysa istediini elde edemedike, daha da kararrd ayn karanlk yz. Ve eer istedii ey bakasna aitse, ilk frsatta arrd. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi bilirdi ki, erkekler en ok birbirlerinin hrszyd; frsat kmayagrsn, tereddtsz alarlard birbirlerinin mutluluklarn. Ayr ayr gelmelilerdi bu sebepten. Yokuu tek balanna kmal, bir vine aac kadar yapayalnz olmallard douya bakan kapdan ieri girdiklerinde. Erkeklerin bazlan ta batan kabullenmiti artlan. Asilzadeydi ou ya da yle grnmek isterdi. Paa paa karlard yokuu. Yokuun dibinde tek balanna balattklan yolculuu, adnn aznda gene bir balarna noktalayarak. Bazlar da, eninde sonunda birbirlerinden ayrlmalar gerektiini gayet iyi bildikleri halde, mmkn olan en son ana kadar birlikte trmanrlard ilk merhaleyi. Ayak takmndand ou ya da yle grnmek isterdi. Yalnzla en batan, bir bana katlanmak yerine, sonradan, hep beraber boyun emeyi tercih ederlerdi. Erteledike erteledikleri kanlmaz son, yokuun emesinde onlan beklerdi. emeye vardklannda, bulac hastalktan kaarcasna uzaklarlard koldalanndan. Kurum kurum kurulurdu eme; co-tuka coar, tanrd sulann. Erkekler buz gibi suya azlanna dayar, kana kana ierlerdi. Terleri kuruyup yeniden yola koyulduklannda bir balanna kalmlard artk. Onlar, yeni domu bir hayvan yavrusu gibi titrek bacaklanna abanrken, yokuun bandan beri yalnzl kabullenenler, marurane geip giderdi yanlarndan. imdi-

Memi Efendi often said: if the ship of men were to sink, it would sink by breaking up in shallow water thinking that the brightest light was a lighthouse. Even though in time this area came to be called a swamp, no one who had once smelled the heady fragrance of the fig and lemon trees, or seen their delicate purple buds would want to believe this. It is said that the reason the cherry-coloured tent was erected here rather than somewhere else was Keramet Mumi Kegke Memi Efendis mulish stubbornness. He would do things out of stubbornness; and hide the reason within himself. And no one ELIF SHAFAK interfered too much in the matter. More important than the outside of the tent was the inside. If anyone knew the truth of this, it was Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi. It was possible to meet endless types of men here; speakers of every language and pliers of every profession. There were notorious womanisers, famous toughs, swaggering losers, gentlemen with inheritances, gentlemen whod spent their inheritances, antique dealers who hid shops within their shops, spies from rival firms, official interpreters from Genoa or Venice, Galata money-lenders, elegant dance-instructors from Pera, tailors who could make whatever was being worn in Paris, purveyors of glazed fruit, impoverished noblemen, decorators, Circassians with fur-hooded black kaftans, Greek taverna-owners with large bellies, English dentists, hardfaced Bedouins, pale-faced Persians, bakers who were now giving their customers Viennese cakes, importers of wine, those who were regularly invited to magnificent balls, those who behaved as if they were regularly invited to magnificent balls, Russian musicians, French photographers, Armenian printers, Italian architects, Albanians wearing pistols, Jewish merchants, Abkhaz, Serbs, well-known pillars of society, experts in Eastern languages, consular attaches, procurers, treasure hunters running after the legends of Istanbul and the dream brokers who ran after

yalnzkalanlar, zaten-yalnzolanlar' taklit ederdi; ama aktrmadan. Bundan sonra herkes bir banayd. Bundan byle ahbaplar yabanc, muhabbetin dudaklan smsk kapalyd. Belli belirsiz bir korku tutunurdu yreklerin kysna. Oysa Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'nin emirleri katiydi; madem ki her erkek buraya tek bana varmalyd, korku dahi onlara refakat edemezdi. Bu sebepten, yokuu trmananlar, birer birer gevetirdi korkunun parmaklan. Son parmak 97 da zldnde, korku, dipsiz bir uuruma yuvarlanrd; yreklerinden bir paray da beraberinde gtrerek. Uurumun atr utur tt yreklerinin feryadna kulaklarn tkayan erkekler, yokuun geri kalann telala kp, kendilerini zor atard vine rengi adrn douya bakan kapsndan ieri. Gene de, o anda, orackta bulunular bir tesadften ibaretmi, meraktan deil de srf ahalinin neyi merak ettiini grmek iin bu adra gelmi, zaten yle bir bakp kacakm gibi yapmay ihmal etmezlerdi. Yayand ou. Malm ya, yokuu faytonla kmakta srar edenler beklenmedik kazalara kurban gidebilirdi. Hi belli olmazd. Bazen ileri rast gider, atlar kan ter iinde de olsa tepeye varmay baarrd. Bazen de buzda kaymasna devriliverirdi fayton. Paldr kldr, gerisin geri, satr satr silinirdi yolculuk. Bu tr yaralanma vakalar ska grld iin, erkeklerin ekserisi yokuun banda faytonlarndan inip, tabana kuvvet trmanrd. Arada, tahtrevanla gelen cici beyler de grlrd. Byleleri, irikym hizmetkrlarn omuzlarnda, marur baklarla kard yokuu. Ama dnya hali; baz baz, onlar da devriliverirdi. Yokuun ikinci ksmnn son admnda dnp de geriye bakanlar denizi grebilirdi. Mavi, masmaviydi deniz; rehindi duru durgunluunda. Baz erkekler, baz baz delice bir fikre kaplrd. Deniz, stliman bir rahim gibi grnrd gzlerine. imdi/ ne yokluundan yaknmak, ne varln kazanmaya uramak; sanki/ sadece ve sadece iinde olmak yetecekti hep arzulanm, hi

them, professional letter-writers, second-hand booksellers who could read the language of the book, gold merchants who could speak the language of gold, calligraphers who adorned the language of letters, ships officers, opponents of the regime, supporters of the regime, and, finally, everyone else. There was one only reason these various men, who did not greet each other in the street and who did not pity each other in a fight, gathered at the eastward-facing door of the cherry-coloured tent: to see La Belle Annabelle! Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi was responsible for all of these things. After all, he was a very clever and agile man. Since his birth, this world had considered him strange. He was like this THE GAZE .is a child and hes still like this today. He was always in motion, .md couldnt sit still. He was quick to develop a thesis in his mind, hut once he had developed it he grew bored with it. He liked to surprise people, but grew cold towards them when they were surprised by unsurprising things. He would involve himself in things that harmed the mind, wake from every sleep with new curiosities, talking constantly, always running around. In spite of this, those who looked at him usually thought they saw him motionless. Because his glances were expressionless. His thinly drawn eyes were without feeling, and seemed far removed from any emotion. When the time came, his six elder sisters saw to it that a suitable wife was found for Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi. The bride was more beautiful and proficient a girl than all of the matchmakers in the city could have found. She had only one fault: she was as silent as a stone that had rolled to the bottom of a lake. She was deaf and mute from birth. On the wedding night, they saw each other for the first time. The bride, her eyes as big as saucers from amazement, looked for a long time into the eyes of the man opposite her. These eyes had neither happiness nor mercy; neither rage nor beneficence. The eyes to which she would wake up

yaplamam yolculuklara kp, baka baka diyarlara gidip gelmek iin. Neyse ki, alesta beklerdi saduyularnn yuma. Geveyen ip, hzla geri sarlrd. Olmadk hayallere kaplanlar, olmadk hayallere kaplmann yakk almayacan hatrlard. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi sk sk sylerdi zaten: erkek ksmnn gemisi batsa batsa, grd en parlak denizfeneri zannedip, dmeni s sulara krmaktan tr batard. Vaktiyle burann bataklk olduu sylense de, adr evreleyen incir ve limon aalarnn baygn kokularn bir kez iine ekip, oya aalarnn eflatun tomurcuklarn grenin buna inanas gelmezdi. Rivayete gre, vine rengi adrn baka bir yere deil de, illa da buraya kurulmasnn sebebi, Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'nin katr inadyd, inadna yapard baz eyleri; sebebini kendine saklard. Gene de kimse fazla kurcalamazd bu meseleyi. Aslolan adrn d deil, iiydi. Zaten iin dorusunu da, bilse bilse Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi bilirdi. 98 Envai eit erkee rastlamak mmknd burada; her dilden konuan, her telden alan. Ad km zamparalar, naml kabadaylar, kabaday msveddeleri, psevdiler, mirasyedi beyler, miras yemi meteliksiz kalm beyler, dkkn iinde dkkn saklayan antikaclar, rakip kumpanyalarn casuslar, Venedik yahut Ceneviz asll beratl tercmanlar, Galata bankerleri, Pera salonlarnn zarif dans hocalar, Paris'te ne giyiliyorsa ipak diken terziler, ekerlemeciler, iki dirhem bir ekirdek asilzadeler, dekoratrler, kara kaftanl krk kalpakl erkesler, koca gbekli Rum meyhaneciler, ngiliz diiler, sert ehreli Bedeviler, saz benizli Acemler, bu aralar mterilerine Viyana usul yumurtal rek yetitiremeyen fnnclar, arap ithalatlan, grkemli balolarn mdavimleri, grkemli balolarn mdavimleriymi gibi yapanlar, algc Ruslar, Fransz fotoraflar, Ermeni matbaaclar, talyan mimarlar, pitovlu Arnavutlar, Yahudi tccarlar, Abhazlar, Aba-zalar, Srplar, sosyetenin amaz simalar, Dou

every God-given morning were as empty as this orphan girls trousseau. The young woman suddenly started crying. She allowed three teardrops to fall from her two eyes. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi lined up the teardrops and read in them what his wifes still mute tongue related: My dear sir. Allow me to leave. I have neither a tongue nor ears. I live through my eyes. I hear with my eyes and I converse with my eyes. I read with my eyes, and I write with my eyes. Your eyes, however/ Ive never seen eyes like yours before. Its as if your eyes are closed. And if theyre closed, they cant say anything. My tongue doesnt speak, and neither do your eyes. How could it work, tell me? How are we going to spend a whole life together, husband? Im still young. My dear sir, release me and let me go! Otherwise your eyes ELIF SHAFAK will be my grave. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi rose from the bed without uttering a word. He took a mirror. He looked into his eyes. Without uttering a word, Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi broke the mirror. As day broke, he helped his wife gather her things. The young woman got up and left without a sound or a gesture of farewell.The outer door closed gently. And it always remained closed. From that day onward Keramet Mumi Keke Me mi 5 Efendi didnt set foot out of the house. He didnt want to see anyone, he sent back all invitations, he didnt open the door for his worried friends. His six elder sisters were miserable with grief. They worked to get him remarried for fear that his condition would worsen. Each matrimonial candidate they found was more beautiful and more talkative than the last. But to no avail. Keramet Mumi Ke$ke Memi Efendi didnt want anyone. Finally, one day, his paternal aunt knocked on his door. Shed aged a great deal. When she came in, half of her strength was left hanging on the doorknob. I didnt know, son, she said quietly. If Id known, would it

dilleri uzmanlar, konsolosluk mensuplan, muhabbet tellallar, stanbul efsanelerinin peinde koan define arayclan ve onlan pelerinde koturan hayal simsarlar, arzuhalciler, kitabn dilini okuyan sahaflar, altnn dilini konuan sarraflar, harflerin dilini susan hattatlar, ketebe takm, gemi zabitleri, rejim muhalifleri, rejim yardaklan ve daha niceleri, takm taklavat buradayd. Birbirlerinden sokakta selam, kavgada aman esirgeyen bunca erkein, vine rengi adnn dousunda toplamalarnn tek bir sebebi vard: la Belle Anabelle'i grmek! Btn bunlar, Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'nin bann altndan kmt. Cin gibi adamd zaten. Doutan bir acayip gelmiti bu leme. ocukken de byleydi, bydnde de. Kpr kprd, yerinde duramazd. Aklna koyduunu tez zamanda kotarr, kotardn-dan abucak sklrd. Hem insanlar artmaya baylr, hem de almayacak ilere ardklar iin onlardan sourdu. Akllara ziyan iler peinde koar, yatt her uykudan yepyeni meraklarla kalkar, vd vd konuur, harl harl kotururdu. Buna ramen, ona bakanlar ou kez, hareketsizlii grdn sanrd. Baklar ifadesizdi nk. ncecik ekilmi gzleri hissiz ve sanki her trl duygudan azadeydi. Gn geldi, alt ablasnn altsnn da mnasip grd bir e bulundu Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'ye. Gelin, yedi mahallenin tekmil patanlannn beenisini toplayacak kadar gzel ve maharetliydi. Yalnz bir kusuru vard: dipsiz gle yuvarlanvermi bir ta kadar suskun olmas. Doutan sar ve dilsizdi. 99 Gerdek gecesi, tlden duvar kalktnda, birbirlerini ilk defa grdler. Gelin, hayretten falta gibi alm gzlerle uzun uzun bakt karsnda duran adamn gzlerine. Bu gzlerde, ne saadet vard, ne merhamet; ne hiddet vard, ne meymenet. Bundan byle, Allah'n her sabah yannda uyanaca gzler, yetim kzn eyiz sand kadar botu. Gen kadn durup dururken alamaya balad. damla gzya aktt iki gznden.

have turned out this way? When you were born your face was a drop of wax, I thought that whatever I drew before it hardened would be for the better. I made you a face, even if its rigid. But the eyes/ Time was so short/ after all it was about to harden. In my panic it was the best I could do. Thats why your eyes are such narrow slits. I drew your eyes, but I didnt have the presence of mind to open them. A curtain of wax remained over your eyes. I didnt know, son. Forgive me. Otherwise Ill die with my last wish unfulfilled. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi looked at his aunts wrinkled hands. These hands were the creators of his face, the architects of his destiny. He could have kissed those hands and touched his forehead to them. He could have folded these hands into his own hands. But he didnt. His aunt left. As she left, the remaining half of her strength was THE GAZE caught on the doorknob. On the evening of the same day, news spread of the old womans death. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi didnt go the funeral. He didnt pay his last respects to his faces creator. He didnt bear anyone any ill-will. It was just that/ he didnt care; he didnt care about anything. Indeed he felt as if he could do .inything. Since he could do anything, it was better to do nothing. One by one he spat out those who knocked on his door to help. He caused his sisters to weep bitterly, and his enemies to feel inner delight. He threw himself into an ocean of smoke, he swam as far from the shore into this ocean of smoke as he could. As he swam he saw that a long distance itself was an illusion, a mirage, wherever you moved, the vanishing point remained the same. Is there any activity in this world thats worth the effort? he used to say as he drew in the smoke. He would shrug his shoulders indifferently. If there is, Ill do it, and my enthusiasm will pass. I need enthusiasm that will never pass. Is there an adventure in this world thats worth living? he used

Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi yan yana dizdi damlalar ve hece hece okudu karsnn dnmeyen dilinin yana yakla anlattklarn. Dedi ki damlalar: "Canm efendim. Brak beni gideyim. Ne dilim var benim, ne kulam. Ben kendimi bildim bileli gzmle yaarm. Gzmle iitir, gzmle syleirim. Gzleri okur, gzlerimle yazarm. Lkin senin gzlerin/ senin gzlerin gibisini daha evvel hi grmemitim. Gzlerin sanki kapaldr. Ve eer kapalysa, hibir ey anlatmaz. Benim dilim konumaz, senin ise gzlerin. Ne olur, de bana. Biz beraber nasl geiririz koca bir mr? Gencim daha. Gzm efendim, sal beni gideyim! Yoksa senin gzlerin, bana mezardr." Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi, tek kelime etmeden yataktan kalkt. Bir ayna ald. Gzlerine bakt. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi, tek kelime etmeden aynay krd. Gn aarnca, karsnn toplanmasna yardm etti. Sessiz sedasz, vedasz kp gitti gen kadn. Mayho bir yavalkla kapand d kap. Ve hep kapal kald. O andan itibaren, Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi evinden dar admn atmad. Hi kimseyle grmek istemiyor, btn davetleri geri eviriyor, endieli dostlarna kapy amyordu. Alt ablas da zntden perian olmutu. Derdine derman olur diye tekrar evlendirmeye altlar. Birbirinden gzel, birbirinden konukan gelin adaylar buldular. Ama nafileydi. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi kimseyi istemiyordu. Nice sonra bir gn, halas ald kapsn. ok yalanmt artk. eri girerken, takatinin yans kapnn tokmanda asl kald. "Bilemedim oul," dedi ksk bir sesle. "Bilsem hi byle olur muydu? Sen doduunda yzn bir mum damlasyd, donmadan evvel ne izersem kr sandm. Durgun da olsa sana bir yz yaptm. Ama gzlerin/ Vakit o kadar dard ki/ Artk katlamak zereydin. O telala ancak bu kadan geldi elimden. Gzlerin byle incecik, kesik ke100 sik kald. Gzlerini izdim izmesine de, amay akl edememiim ite. Mumdan bir perde kald gzlerinin zerinde. Bilemedim oul. Bala. Yoksa benim gzm ak gidecek." Keramet

to ask as his head spun round and round. He would shrug his shoulders indifferently. If there is, let me live it, but the story will end. I need stories that never end. I le made his decision: It was going to end. He was melting day by day. In order for the wax to be consumed more quickly, he stubbornly subjected it to heat. He would sit on top of the stove, and would surround himself with candles; he would seize his torch and run to every fire that broke out in the city; he would pass out in bakeries and wake up in furnace-rooms; with raki burning at the back of his throat, he would deliver eulogies to the furnace boys; by day he would sun himself for hours, and at night he would sleep with high-carat whores. He wanted to melt as soon as possible, to free himself from this rigidity that confined his heart and to become liquid again. Since hed come to this useless structure they called the world as a drop of wax, hed leave it as a ELIF SHAFAK drop of wax. He might not have finished all hed started, but hed finish in the state hed started. Later/ later perhaps hed harden and set again, but this time in a completely different guise. What did it matter if they didnt like that one either? Hed flow again. In any event, time was endless, and space was limidess.Why should he stay squeezed into this envelope? The weather grew cold. Winter arrived. The weather grew warm. The snows melted. But he still hadnt melted completely. He hadnt the strength left to curse wax, to swear at wax, to reproach wax. Since his wedding night, since his will had been broken, he was like a shamans cloak of forty patches and a single thread in the reflections of the broken pieces of mirror. He shredded the sealed story with his name, and scattered the pieces through time and space. And with all his melting, these pieces somehow didnt melt. He passed through bad times. But he lived. And much later, on a brightly coloured morning, he went

Mum Keke Memi Efendi, halasnn kr kr ellerine bakt. Yznn ressamyd bu eller, kaderinin mimar. pebilirdi onlar, pp de bana koyabilirdi. Avutabilirdi onlan, avuntularla yattrabilirdi. Yapmad. Halas gitti. Giderken, takatinin kalan yars da kapnn sngsne takld. Ayn gnn gecesinde, yal kadnn lm haberi ulat. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi, cenaze evine admn atmad. Yznn ressamnn helvasn tatmad. Kimseye kin tuttuu yoktu. Sadece/ umursamyordu; hibir eyi umursamyordu. Artk her eyi yapabileceini hissediyordu. Madem ki her eyi yapabilirdi, en iyisi hibir ey yapmamakt. Birer birer geri pskrtt yardm etmek iin kapsn alanlar. Hngr hngr alatt ablalarn, iin iin sevindirdi dmanlarn. Bir duman deryasna sald kendini, bir duman deryasnda karadan en uzaa kula att. Gidince grd ki, uzak denilen mesafe tpk bir serap gibi sahteydi; insan ne kadar alrsa alsn, hep yerinde kalyordu oray buradan ayran ufuk izgisi. "Uramaya deecek bir megale var m bu dnyada?" diye syleniyordu duman iine ekerken. Omuzlarn silkiyordu umarszca. "Varsa da, ben yaparm, hevesim geer. Bana hi gemeyen hevesler ^ lazm." "Yaamaya deecek bir serencam var m bu dnyada?" diye so- ruyordu ba fldr fldr dnerken. Omuzlarn silkiyordu umarszca. "Varsa da, ben yaarm, hikyesi biter. Bana hi bitmeyen hikyeler lazm." Kararn vermiti. Bitecekti. Eriyordu gnbegn. Mum mrn daha abuk tketebilmek iin inadna sokuluyordu bildii btn scaklklara. Mangal banda oturup, etrafn kandillerle donatyor; mealeleri kucaklayp, ehirde kan heryangma kouyor; frnlarda szp, klhanlarda aylyor; rakya genzini yaktrp, ate olanlarna vgler dzyor; gndzleri saatlerce gnelenip, geceleri yksek krat orospularla yatyordu. Bir an nce erimek, yreini skan bu katlktan bir an evvel kurtulup, tekrar sv olmak istiyordu. Madem ki bir mum damlas

out into the streets again. Not as before though, there was something altered about him when he went out into the street. It wasnt as it had always been, there was something different about the way he looked at his surroundings. His pupils were pin-cushions. They were covered with holes made by evil eyes and evil words pinched into their halo. Water leaked from some of these holes. This was how he wept. It had been so long since hed walked that he could neither keep his legs from trembling at each step nor determine where he was going. It was as if every direction was the same, as if every passageway led to the same dead end, and every street looked exactly like the other. It was as if hed left this world; it was aware neither of how long Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi had been absent nor of the crisis hed passed through. A man was coming towards him: young and elegant and swaggering. He planted himself in front of the man like a thief THE GAZE blocking the way to the fountain. Where are you coming from like this? From home, said the young man, looking over his shoulder as if someone was coming after him from his house. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi approached the young man with curiosity. His nose detected a sour smell. I drank raki in order to suppress the smell of cloves in my mouth. I may have exceeded my measure, explained the young man. I splashed on lots of perfume but I still cant get rid of this unpleasant stnell. My mother puts black cumin in my pockets, and makes me chew cloves before I leave the house. I smell of black cumin and cloves all day. Food is tasteless, streets are narrow, days are short. I smell like those dilapidated wooden houses. So how would you like to smell? Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi shouted after the young man, who was walking away as he spoke. You know those fancy stone houses that each have a different name engraved on them. I want to smell

olarak gelmiti dnya dedikleri bu abes nizama, bir mum damlas olarak ekip gidecekti. 101 Balad hibir ii bitirememi olabilirdi ama balad yerde bitecekti. Sonra/ sonra gene donard belki, bu sefer bambaka bir kisvede. Onu da beenmezse ne gam! Akard gene. Nasl olsa sonsuzdu zaman, snrszd mekn. Niin skp kalacakt ki bu kalbn iinde? Havalar soudu. K geldi. Havalar snd. Karlar eridi. Ama o hl tamamyla eriyememiti. Mum mrne lanet, mum mrne kfr, mum mrne sitem etmeye takati kalmamt. Gerdek gecesinde, bile isteye krdndan beri, krk yamal tek iplikli aman kisvesi gibiydi ayna knklarndaki aksi. smiyle mhrlenmi hikyeyi krpm, krpklar zamanlara ve meknlara samt. Artk her ey para parayd. Ve btn erie bile, paralar bir trl erimiyordu. Kt gnler geirdi. Ama yaad. Ve nice sonra, bir sabah alacasnda yeniden kt sokaklara. Eskisi gibi deil ama, bir bakalk vard sokaa knda. Etrafa baknd. Her zamanki gibi deil ama, bir bakalk vard etrafa bakmnda. Artk blk prk bir hikyeyi krpk krpk heceleyen, eri br bir sureti krk dkk akseden aynann krklarna basa basa yrd. Bir ine yastyd gzbebekleri. Ik emberine batan kem gzlerden, bed szlerden delik deikti. Baz baz deliklerden su szyordu. O da byle alyordu. O kadar uzun zaman olmutu ki yrmeydi, ne bacaklarnn her admda titremesine mni olabiliyor, ne de gidecei yn tayin edebiliyordu. Her yn birdi sanki; her geit ayn kmaza alyor, her sokak tpatp tekine benziyordu. Galiba brakt gibiydi hayat; Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'nin ne bunca zamandr ortalkta olmadndan haberdard, ne de geirdii buhrandan. Bir erkek geliyordu kardan; gen ve k, biraz da salpa. Su ban kesmi harami gibi dikildi karsna. "Nerden byle?" "Evden," dedi delikanl, sanki evi peinden geliyormu gibi omuzunun stnden arkaya bakarak. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi merakla yaklat delikanlya. Kesif bir koku alnd burnuna. "Azmdaki karanfil

like they do. Cool and selfassured. He must have said more, but his voice was no longer audible. At one point, Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi took advantage of the wind blowing from his direction, and shouted again. All right, where can houses like this be found? He waited, but the wind didnt bring an answer from the young man. Suddenly, just as he was about to turn and leave, a whisper reached his ear. In Pera! To Pera! Pera! That was when Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi understood the state of the men of his country Had they changed during his withdrawal into solitude, or had they been this way for a long time, and it was he who was late to see it? He understood that he would no longer be able to watch anything in the same way he used to. The wind had no intention of blowing backwards; it was clear that ELIF SHAFAK it had changed direction. There were new things happening; it was the new and the European that was in demand. It was clear that the fancy stone houses didnt let in the roasting, suffocating sun; neither the tastelessness of food, the narrowness of streets nor the shortness of days. The fancy stone houses were refreshing after the dilapidated wooden houses that were faded and falling apart from neglect. Even if the one he was addressing didnt know his language, the fancy stone houses loved to talk about themselves; the wooden houses liked to listen to the conversations of those who lived in them, and therefore didnt talk much. The one found the substance of life in solitude, whereas the other found it in the company of others. The stone houses were built to be seen from without, no matter who was living in them, and they were built in a form that could be looked at. Whereas the wooden houses were built to hide those living in them from outer gazes, and enclosed them within their calmness. The stone houses could refresh broken or as yet unformed families; whereas the wooden houses drew the water of

kokusunu bastrmak iin rak itim. ly karm olabilirim," diye aklad delikanl. "Parfm de srnm-tm bolca ama gene de kurtulamyorum bu naho kokudan. Valide, okunmu rekotu koyuyor ceplerime, evden kmadan evvel karanfil 102 inetiyor zorla. Btn gn rekotu karanfil kokuyorum. Yemekler yavan, sokaklar dar, gnler ksa. Khne ahap evler gibi kokuyorum." "Peki nasl kokmak isterdin?" diye bard Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi, sylene sylene uzaklaan delikanlnn arkasndan. "Hani u her birinin ayr bir ismi olan oymal, fiyakal ta evler var ya. te onlar gibi kokmak isterdim. Serin serin. Serin ve kendinden emin." Baka eyler de sylemi olmalyd ama artk duyulmuyordu sesi. Bir ara, Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi rzgrn kendinden yana esmesini frsat bilerek tekrar bard. "Peki nerede var byle evler?" Bekledi ama sesini alp gtren rzgr delikanldan bir cevap getirmemiti. Derken, tam dnp gitmek zereyken, bir fslt alnd kulana. "Pera'da! Pera'ya! Pera!" te o zaman Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi anlad ki, memleketin erkeklerine bir haller olmutu. Acaba o inzivadayken mi deiivermiti erkekler; yoksa nicedir bylelerdi de o mu ge kalmt grlecei grmekte? Her halkrda anlamt ki, bundan sonra hibir ey eskisi gibi seyretmeyecekti. Rzgrn bile niyeti yoktu geriye doru esmeye; belli ki yn deitirmiti kble. Eski detlerin pabular damlarda aranmalyd; artk yeni ve Avrupai oland geer ake. Belli ki kavurucu, bunaltc gne nlarn szdrmyordu oymal, fiyakal ta evler; ne de yemeklerin yavanln, sokaklarn darln, gnlerin ksaln. Khne, ahap evlerin tekerrrlerle rselenmi, bakmszlktan sararm cephelerine inat, seyirlik bir tazelikti oymal, fiyakal ta evler. Kardaki dilini bilse de bilmese de, kendinden bahsetmeyi severdi ta evler; ahap olanlar ise iinde yaayanlarn muhabbetini dinlemekten keyif alr, fazla

their life from the roots of the densely branched family tree. For this reason, while the talkative stone houses still remained sedate, the abandoned wooden houses never recovered. The stone houses were built to be seen and shown: indeed thats why their facades were always plastered by the glances of passers-by. The wooden houses were built not to be seen or shown; indeed their facades are worn out by the gazes of strangers. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi didnt care that this was only one man among many. How many more men would he have to meet in order to have met enough men? How many books did one have to read in order to be wise, how many lands did one have to see in order to be a traveller, how many defeats did one have to suffer in order to become discouraged? How much was too much and how much was too little? This was the second example he had seen. And since hed broken the mirror, two was enough for Keramet Efendi. Indeed, he found Two to be the most extraordinary of numbers. THE GAZE For the first time since, on his wedding night, hed broken the mirror that had shown him his eyes, hed found a reason to live. Wherever a person hurts, thats where his heart beats. Now, Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendis heart was beating in his eyes, and he wanted to occupy himself with something that was worth doing; not just something that would become easier with time, but something he would never be able to do to his own satisfaction. Now it seemed he was on the point of finding this. He also wished for an adventure that was worth living, one from which he could distil stories, one whose entirety he couldnt see even when he saw its entirety, an adventure that might never end. Who knew, perhaps when he started on this project he might also find this. He had found what he was going to do. Since the cause of his strangeness was his eyes, from now on he would address only the eyes. Whatever he had lost because of his eyes, he would gain as much and more from the eyes of others. Now the pain of

konumazd. Birinin yalnzlnda cisim buluyordu hayat; teki ise ancak bakalaryla birlikteyken vard. lerinde kim yaarsa yaasn, yabanclarca seyredilmek iin, seyredilebilecek surette ina edilmiti ta evler. Ahap olanlarsa, iinde yaayanlar darnn gzlerinden saklar, sakinleriyle birlikte ie kapanrd. Paralanm yahut hi kurulmam yuvalarla tazelenebilirdi ta evler; oysa ahap olanlar, dall budakl aile aalarnn kklerinden alrd hayat suyunu. Bu sebepten ite, ii boaltlan ta evler gene yle vakur kalabilirken, terk edilen ahap evler bir daha iflah olmuyordu. 103 Grlmek ve gstermek zerine ina edilmiti ta evler; zaten bu yzden d cepheleri gelip geenlerin baklaryla her dem yeniden svanyordu. Grlmemek ve gstermemek zerine ina edilmiti ahap evler; zaten bu yzden d cepheleri yabanclarn nazaryla anyordu. Tek bir erkek, bir tek erkektir demedi Keramet Mum Keke Me-mi Efendi. Daha ka erkek tanmalyd ki, erkekleri yeterince tanm olmak iin? Ka kitap okuyunca lim, ka diyar grnce gezgin, ka tekrarla yprannca mzmin olurdu insan? Ka olunca ok, kata kalnca azd rakamlar? Bu, grd ikinci rnekti. Ve madem ki krlmt ayna, iki de yeterdi Keramet Efendi'ye. Zaten o, rakamlardan ki'yi fevkalade bulurdu. Gzlerini gsteren aynay krd gerdek gecesinden bu yana, yaamak iin bir sebep bulmutu ilk defa. Malm ya, insann can neresinden acrsa, kalbi orada atard. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi kalbi kt kt gzlerinde atarken, uramaya deecek bir megale istemiti; yle hep alt zere kolayca kotanp bir kenara kaldramayaca, belki de hibir zaman tam olarak kotaramayaca, hevesini alamayaca bir megale. te imdi galiba bunu buluyordu. Bir de yaamaya deecek bir serencam istemiti; hikyesinden hikyeler damtabilecei, her haliyle grdnde bile her halini gremeyecei, belki de sonunu hibir zaman getiremeyecei bir serencam. Kimbilir, bu ie

the loneliness that his eyes had caused him would be relieved by drawing thousands of people around him. The life that his eyes had made distasteful would become sweet. The eyes that had seen what no one else could see would cause every raised glass to be filled with an elixir distilled from the contagious blindness of the people. For this reason, he would first ascertain the condition of his country, so he could gather those who believed in the situation as if he was picking mushrooms. Since the minds of Ottoman men were on appearances, he would offer a thousand men a unique world of spectacle. And since the answer to the question he had asked was Pera, then thats where he would do whatever he was going to do. After collecting quite a few ideas, he spent a long, long time thinking them over and then finally made his decision. He would erect an enormous tent. A tent the like of which would be remembered not ELIF SHAFAK just for days or for years, but for centuries. A tent that, like a snake swallowing its tail, would begin where it ended. The colour of the tent would be the colour of cherries. In the cherry-coloured tent he would present a world of spectacles to thousands of men. Keramet Mumi Kegke Memi Efendi, who was born to a woman who paid the ultimate price in order to have a little son, who was raised by his six older sisters and crossed the border that separates the two sexes; who for a long time had found himself observing how each of his elder sisters managed her own husband, and thought that there was no coincidence how these methods of management resembled each other, and that there were rules that all women knew but never mentioned, and understanding that he had been brought up according to the same rules, and having lost his mind on the morning of his wedding night and having since birth possessed extraordinary intelligence, clearly had little trouble envisioning this world of spectacles he would present to the eyes of men. These many men who would only grudgingly greet each other in the

koyulduunda belki onu da bulabilirdi. Neyle uraacan bulmutu. Madem ki acayipliinin sebebi gzleriydi, o da bundan byle srf gzlere hitap edecekti. Ne kaybettiyse kendi gzlerinin yznden, daha fazlasn devirecekti bakalarnn gzlerinden. Gzleri yznden ektii yalnzln acsn, binlerce insan etrafna toplayarak kartacakt. Gzlerinin yznden zehrolan hayatn, gzlerin sayesinde ballandracakt. Bakalarnn gremediklerini grdke gzleri, baarmann erefine kaldraca her kadehi, krln karanlk iksirinden damtacakt. Bu amala, evvela, memleketin gidiatn kollayp, mantar toplar gibi toplayacakt gidiata kr krne inananlar. Madem ki neyin nasl grndndeydi Osmanl memleketinin erkeklerinin akl fikri, o da bundan byle, bin erkee bir seyirlik dnya sunacakt. Madem ki arad sualin cevabyd Pera, o da her ne yapacaksa orada yapacakt. 104 Epeyce dolanp fikir dantktan, uzun uzun dnp tandktan sonra nihayet karar verdi. Devasa bir adr kuracakt. yle bir adr ki, deil gnlerce, deil senelerce, asrlarca unutulmayacakt. yle bir adr ki, kuyruunu yutan bir ylan gibi balangcnda sonlanp, sonunda balayacak; gzlerden kp yola, gene gzlere varacakt. adnn rengi, vine rengi olacakt. Vine rengi adrda, seyirlik bir dnya sunacakt binlerce erkee. Erkek domann nemini annesinin yokluundan renen, kzlarnn en kk kardelerine gsterdii alakay iten ie kskanan bir babann elinde byyen ve u hayatta evvela, iki cinsi birbirinden ayran hudut boyunu arnlayan; alt enitesinin de ne zaman hiddetlenip, nasl yatvereceklerini gayet iyi bilen, alt ablasnn da kendi oullarn nasl yetitirdiine dikkat eden, bir gecelik karsn hl ryalarnda gren ve zaten doutan Allah vergisi bir zekya sahip olan Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi, erkek gzne hitap edecek bu seyirlik dnyay tasarlarken pek

street or show mercy to each other in a fight had all come to the cherry-coloured tent after the evening call to prayer for the same reason: La Belle Annabelle. The most beautiful, the only beautiful jinn of the poisonous yew forest, the shimmering elixir of life, La Belle Annabelle. In order to understand what La Belle Annabelle was seeking in Pera, in a cherry-coloured tent that had been pitched on top of a hill, while the Ottoman Empire was Westernising with the panic of a boy whod stolen an apple from a neighbours garden and hadnt the courage to look back, its necessary to go back some way. Back THE GAZE past all of the glazed secrets. Its necessary to travel in time and space. Not that far back: earlier in the same century. Not that far .iway either; in the lands of France. Because it is earlier in the same century, in France, that the story of the most beautiful, the only beautiful jinn of the poisonous yew forest, the shimmering elixir of life, La Belle Annabelle, begins. (But to tell the truth it is possible to skip this part altogether. Its possible not to write it; or not to read it. You can jump ahead to the next one without tarrying here, the next number, that is. In any event they may not even have lived it. No matter how beautiful she was, she might not have become a spectacle, and had the right not to be seen, and keep herself distant from curious eyes. Indeed she wouldnt have been so beautiful if she hadnt been seen.) France-1868 In a nut-wood, oriental four-poster bed, in a room with a ceiling as high as the sky and a floor as soft as dove wings, life itself was screaming with pain.The sheets were covered in sweat, and in faeces and blood. It was as if there were two stubborn, invisible packhorses in the room. And the huge bed, turned into a carriage, was pulled in two opposite directions by these stubborn packhorses. One of the animals was pulling hard on the rope in order to extract what was in it. It was foaming at the mouth.

de zorlanmad akas. Erkeklerin, gzel kadn grmekten ne denli holandklarnn farkndayd. O halde, o da onlara, grmek istediklerini gsterecekti. Vine rengi adnn seyirlik dnyasnda, gzeller ya da en gzeller deil, gzelliin ta kendisi sergilenecekti. Birbirlerinden sokakta selam, kavgada aman esirgeyen onca erkein, akam ezanndan sonra yokuun tepesindeki vine rengi adrn douya bakan ksmnda toplanmalannn sebebi birdi: la Belle Anabelle! Onlar buraya o afet-i devran grmeye gelmilerdi. Gzeller gzeli, zehirli porsukaac ormanlarnn yegne perisi, menevili hayat iksiri, la Belle Anabelle! Memaliki Osmaniye, komunun bahesinden elma arm bir ocuun telayla arkasna bakmaya cesaret edemeden Batllarken, Pe-ra'da, bir yokuun tepesinde kurulan vine rengi adrda la Belle Ana-belle'in ne aradn anlayabilmek iin biraz gerilere uzanmak lazm imdi. Geriye, yani btn srlar srlayan gemie. Zamanda ve meknda yola koyulmak lazm imdi. yle fazla geriye deil: ayn yzyl iinde biraz gerilere. yle fazla uzaa da deil: Fransa topraklarna. nk ayn yzyl iinde, Fransa'da balad gzeller gzeli, zehir105 li porsukaac ormanlarnn yegne perisi, menevili hayat iksiri, la Belle Anabelle'in hikyesi. (Ama iin dorusu, bu ksm tamamen atlamak mmkn. Yazmadan gemek de mmkn; okumadan gemek de. Hi oyalanmadan buralarda, rahatlkla sranabilir bir sonrasna, yani bir sonraki rakama. Ne de olsa hi yaanmayabilirdi olanlar. Seyrine baklacak suret yoktu zira. Ne denli gzel olursa olsun seyirlik olan, hakk vard gzlerden rak kalmaya. Hem gzlerden rak kalabilseydi eer, bu kadar gzel olmazd zaten.) (Yok eer illa da greceksek grmeden geebileceklerimizi, 1868 Fransasna gitmek gerekecek imdi.) 106 Fransa-1868 Tavan gkyz kadar uzak, taban gvercin kanad kadar yumuak odada, direkleri oymal, ceviz kaplama karyolada acsn haykryordu yaam. Tere bulanmt araflar ve dkya ve kana. Sanki gzle grlmeyen iki inat beygir vard ortada. Ve bu

As it pulled, the babies in the womb were sliding out gently. As it bit the rope and pulled in the opposite direction, the second horse refused to allow the first to defeat it. As it pulled, the babies in the womb were sliding back, retreating from the exit. Both horses nostrils were flared and pupils enlarged from the effort. Now everybody and everything was focused on their struggle. As the horses struggled against each other, not only did the bed and the high-ceilinged room shake, but also every other part of the magnificent mansion shook; the babies in the womb were thrown this way and that, and outside a frightful storm was raising clouds of dust. In this tumult, the only living thing that remained still was the woman who was giving birth. Her name was Madeleine. Or, as everyone addressed her, Madame de Marelle. Madame de Marelle was not pulling either end of the rope, and indeed was doing nothing at all to assist in the birth. She was as indifferent and as motionless as possible. She didnt make a sound. If she could have spoken, she would have asked God for a heavy THE GAZE snowfall. She would ask God to freeze the pain in her body, the feverish commotion around her, the struggle of the horses, the lives trying to break free from her life, and this sinful mansion, forever. I ife itself should freeze, so that centuries later she could serve as an example, before which people would fall to their knees, of the sin of being unable to give birth. And when life freezes, the rope will freeze and break exactly into two perfectly equal parts. Then there would be nothing to suffer. Because nothing would be left. She could not speak. She was wet with sweat. She gazed at the skyhigh ceiling. A field of blond sunflowers was painted on the ceiling; a tiny little, creamcomplexioned angel was wandering .imong the sunflowers. While the woman stared at the angels wings, everybody in the room was overwhelmed by what bad luck it was that the woman had not yelled, or screamed, or moved. Even

iki inat beygirin, iki ayr yne ektii talihsiz bir faytona dnvermiti koskoca karyola. Hayvanlardan biri, itekileri dar kartmak iin vargcyle ekiyordu halat. Kpk iinde kalmt az. O ektike, rahimdeki bebekler de ka doru usul usul kayyordu. teki beygir birinciden altta kalmamaya azmetmi olmal ki, o da halat vargcyle srm, tam ters istikamete doru ekiyordu. O ektike, rahimdeki bebekler de geri geri kayp, ktan uzaklayordu. Her iki beygirin de hrstan burun delikleri alm, gzbebekleri bymt. Artk herkes ve her ey, onlarn mcadelesine odaklanmt. Beygirler birbirleriyle ztlatka, sadece koca karyola ya da tavanlar yksek oda deil, bu muhteem maliknenin her taraf zelzeleye tutulmuasna sarslyor; rahimdeki bebekler bir o yana, bir bu yana savruluyor; danda korkun bir frtna tozu dumana katyordu. Btn bu hengamenin iinde hareketsiz kalmay srdren tek canl, doum yapan kadnd. smi Madeleine idi. Ya da herkesin hitap ettii ekliyle, Madame de Marelle. Madame de Marelle, grnmez beygirlerin ekitirdii halatn hibir ucundan aslmyor, douma yardmc olacak hibir ey yapmyordu. Alabildiine kaytsz, olabildiince kprtszd. Sesi kmyordu. Konuabilse, lapa lapa kar yadrmasn isteyecekti Tann'dan. Vcuduna giren sanclar, etrafndaki hummal kouturmay, beygirlerin kapmasn, canndan kopmaya alan canlar ve bu gnah bata malikneyi ebediyen dondurmasn isteyecekti Tann'dan. bret olsun diye, yzyllar sonra bile insanlar doum yapamayan gnahkr kadn grsn, grp de dizleri zerinde nedamet getirsin diye don-malydi hayat. Ve donunca hayat, buz tutup tam orta yerinden knla-cakt halat. Kahrolacak bir ey kalmayacakt artk. Bir ey kalmayacakt nk. Konuamyordu. Terden snlsklamd. Baklar, gkyz kadar uzak tavana mhlanmt. Sarn bir ayiei tarlas resmedilmiti tavanda; mini mini, kaymak tenli bir melek

as the pain abraded her blood vessels, not even a moan passed Madame tie Marelles lips. Her lips/ The girls assisting the midwife were frightened to learn how her lips had come to be this way. Madame de Marelles lips were torn to shreds. The flesh of a mouse torn apart by the claws of a predatory bird would not have been as badly shredded as these lips. Give me your lips, the young man had said. The river was two steps ahead, the water was two steps ahead. It was only two steps to the thunderous flowing, drizzling, bubbling, to the flowering on the water bank, to being bait for the fish. Give me your lips, he said, this time in a harder voice. The womans lips were dry. The skin would tear to pieces and bleed, but the woman was still resisting with her last effort. The skin was on the edge. The woman was on the edge. She wanted to withdraw but she couldnt walk. A humming was rising from within her. She did not love herself at all; her heart was being torn like a scaly yew trunk. Her passion emerged from under the bark. Because she knew it was ELIF SHAFAK salve the wounds from the whip, and the only one who knew that in time she gave up hope that the ointment would help. He was also aware that the womans husband was very cruel during the first years of their marriage. Although the man softened over the years, the woman grew harder day-by-day. As she grew harder, she forbade herself and those around her everything that people find pleasant in life. In time, the servants didnt even dare smile in her presence. Madame de Marelle was sure that the major-domo kept everything he knew to himself. Just as this nut-wood bed and this high, painted ceiling never reveal what theyve seen, so the major-domo knew how to be blind and dumb. Of course, he didnt do this out of decency. Decency was not even acquainted with him. He probably behaved this way because he preferred to be blind and dumb. He just kept his mouth shut and did his job. The woman hated the major-domo.

ayieklerinin arasnda do107 layordu. Kadn sabit gzlerle melein kanatlarna bakarken, odada bulunan herkes onun barmamasnn, haykrmamasnn, kprdama-masnn uursuzluu altnda eziliyordu. Sanclar damarlarn trpanlarken, tek bir inilti bile kmyordu Madame de Marelle'in dudaklarndan. Dudaklar/ Ebeye yardmc olmak iin kouturan gen kzlar bu dudaklar neyin, nasl bu hale getirmi olabileceini renmekten rkyordu. Madame de Marelle'in dudaklar para parayd. Yrtc bir kuun peneleriyle didik didik, gagasyla delik deik ettii bir farenin kmen lsnden artakalan etler bile, bu dudaklar kadar paralanm olamazd. "Dudaklarn ver," demiti delikanl. Nehir topu topu iki adm tedeydi; su iki adm tede. ki adm tedeydi grl grl akmak, damla damla yamak, kpk kpk dalmak, iek iek amak su kenannda ve lokma lokma yem olmak balklara. "Dudaklarn ver," demiti bu sefer ok daha sert bir sesle. Kupkuruydu kadnn dudaklar. Deri her an yrtlp kan szdracakt da, son bir gayretle direniyordu sanki. Snrdayd deri. Snrdayd kadn. Geri ekilmek istiyor ama adm atamyordu. irde bir uultu kabar-yordu. Biraz olsun sevmiyordu kendini; kavlak bir porsukaacnn gvdesi gibi kabuk kabuk dklyordu yrei. htiraslar kyordu kabuklarn altndan. Tpk porsukaacnn yapraklan gibi zehirli ol-duklann bildii iin, elini srmyordu ihtiraslarna. Zehir ieri akyordu, szacak bir atlak bulamaynca. te o zaman, uyuuyordu hisleri. Her tarafn laka eden bu uyuuklua koyveriyordu kendini. Teslimiyet ne denli dingin ve lksa, o kadar souk ve hrn akyordu nehir. Ve onlar nehrin sadece iki adm tesindeydi. Delikanly grr grmez anlamt Tanrnn onu snamak istediini. Her ey vaazlarda anlatld gibiydi. Ten diri ve ekiciydi; tad kekremsi olmalyd. Islakt. Svlar tiksinti vericiydi. Oysa nasl da acizdi insan; ruhunu kupkuru klmak isterken bile, vcudunun svlarna katlanmak zorundayd. O zaman da, eytand kazanan. te eytan gene klk deitirmi, gzellii nefes

Especially because of his hair. The major-domo had rust-coloured hair that flowed over his shoulders in insolent curls. The woman had straight, coal-black hair. Every morning, before leaving her room, she tied her hair into a bun from which, all day, not even a single strand worked loose. But it didnt matter whether or not she liked the major-domo. Hed been a part of the mansion for years. The major-domo was necessary in the same way as a greasy rope or an old plough. Several times, Madame de Marelle considered ordering the major-domo to dismiss the young man. Each time, she left without being able to finish the sentence shed begun in such a determined manner. When she realised she couldnt dismiss him, she decided to avoid him. After days of preparation, warning the servants again and again, she finally set out. The horses went as far as the suspension bridge. For some reason the river has risen, said the carriage man, but dont worry, well manage to get across, he added. But Madame de Marelle was aware of why the water had risen, and that they would not be able to get across. She told the carriage man to turn back. It was night by the time she got back. There was nobody about. THE GAZE Somewhere in the silence, somebody was murmuring. Following t lie whispers, she found herself in front of the barn. The voices were coming from inside. She tried putting her eye to a knothole to see inside, but it was too dark. Laughter could be heard from time to time; the horses were neighing as if they were frightened of something. Then, suddenly, the door of the barn opened and the majordomo came out. There were droplets of sweat on his lorehead. She looked at him with a disgust that she didnt feel necessary to hide. How wretched he looked. Next to the holy beauty of the young man, he was like a demon who had gone tstray and was pushing on the doors of heaven by mistake. He did not belong in a place where such holy beauty reigned. But he was still necessary.The major-domo was necessary in the same way as a greasy rope or an old plough.

kesen bir delikanl suretinde karsna dikilmiti. Madame de Marelle iin onu grd an, musibetlerin miladyd. O andan itibaren hibir ey eskisi gibi olamamt. Artk ne zaman yalnz kalsa delikanly dnr olmutu. Ryalar 108 gnaha kucak at iin uykudan nefret etmeye balam; uykuya banp banp karak bekledii afaklar, i ve kskn gzlerle karlamt. Gnboyu delikanlya bakmamaya altka daha ok bakm; ondan uzak durabilmek iin rpndka, imdiye dein onsuz geirdii her ana lanetler yadrmt. yle abuk zlmt ki direnci, aslnda daha delikanly grr grmez anlam olmalyd bu snav asla veremeyeceini. Delikanl, de Marelle maliknesine geldiinde gne batmak zereydi. Sabahtan beri bardaktan boanrcasna yayordu yamur. Sabahtan beri yrdn sylemiti. Oysa kupkuruydu st ba. Siyah kadife apkasn gsne bastrarak selam vermi; siyah kadife pelerinini zarif bir hareketle arkaya savururken, belli belirsiz glmsemiti. Tpk vaazlarda anlatld gibiydi. eytann elisi. Kanl bir gl gibi katmer katmer alyordu siyah kadife teni. Dokunmaya kkrtyordu. "Dokun," demiti atal atal bir ses. "Korkma! zi kalmaz zerimde, kimse anlamaz." Madame de Marelle sesin nereden geldiinden emin olamam, zerinde durmamt. Khya nicedir ilerinin okluundan ikyet ediyordu. Madem ki delikanl i aryordu, khyaya yardmc olabilirdi. Yaplacaklar bir rpda anlattktan sonra, telala onun yanndan uzaklamt. O andan itibaren de onunla yan yana gelmemeye zen gstermiti. Ama insan byle bir gzellii grnce, bir daha asla ayn gzle bakamyordu dnyaya. nsan byle bir gzellii grnce, tahamml edemez oluyordu onu yanstmayan hibir ana ve hibir varla. Madame de Marelle geceleri saatlerce dua ediyor; bu cinnetaver anya kaplmamak iin Tannya yakanyor, yakanyordu. Baz sabahlar uyandnda, yerde bzlm buluyordu kendini. Acaba hi mi

When Madame de Marelle fell asleep at last towards morning, she found herself once again in a recurring dream. She was in a low, dark cave. Just in front of her the wall divided into several doors, and forked paths lay behind each of the doors. She had learned the way by losing her way several times in previous dreams. She walked as far as an opening covered with moss. There, among statues of the Holy Virgin surrounded by flickering candles, there was a relief in the shape of a face. This was the Innocent Face who bites and breaks off the hands of those serving devil by tasting the seven sins. To know whether or not a person was innocent, it was enough to put their hand into the open mouth of the relief. If the person was innocent, the mouth would stay open and nothing would happen. If they were a sinner, the Innocent Face would shut its mouth at once and the hand in it would never be released. Every time Madame de Marelle had this dream, she stood in front of the relief, but she avoided testing her innocence at the last moment. This time she plucked up the courage, and, trembling with anxiety, extended her hand. At that moment, she realised that the Innocent Face was slowly changing. She did not care. She took a deep breath and put her entire hand into the mouth of the relief. ELIF SHAFAK Even though she felt an odd shiver on her fingertips, she did not pull her hand back. Suddenly, the face in front of her transformed into the face of the young man. At the same moment, the mouth of the Innocent Face shut loudly. She was woken by her own screams. Her right hand was throbbing. Sitting up in the bed, she rubbed her hand. Morning was still far off. In fear, she went back to bed. She was often woken by her own screams. With her lips aching. When she woke in the morning after each nightmare the pink skin was thinner; it was closer to being torn off. She went to the riverbank in this state, with her lips about to fall off. When she looked into the distance, she thought the young man

yatmamt karyolasna yoksa dm myd uykusunda? Anlayam-yordu. Yapabileceklerinden, isteyebileceklerinden korkuyordu. Snrszlktan korkuyordu, kendi snrszlndan. "Bazen byle olur," diyordu baucundaki kandil. "Bazen biri kar karna. Bilirsin ki, onun karsnda zayfsn. Bir hamur paras-sn. Alsn seni, dilediince yoursun oynasn." Kandil sesini kessin diye, hemen sndryordu alevi. Karanlkta oraya buraya arpyordu. Sabah, gn aardnda dehetle fark ediyordu vcudundaki morluklan. Geri bu kadar azap ekeceine, delikanlnn iine derhal son verebilirdi. Burada kimin sznn getiini gsterebilirdi. Bunca za109 man her eyi tek bana ekip evirmemi miydi zaten? Kocas lr lmez, grd gnden beri nefret ettii bu malikneyi iman dolu bir yer yapabilmek iin kollar svamt. Cenazeden sonra ilk i, mobilyalar ve eyalarla birlikte btn hizmetkrlar deitirmi, ahlakndan phe duyulacak kimseyi de Marelle topraklarnda barndrmayacana yemin etmiti. Bir tek khya/ bir tek onu dnda tutmutu btn bunlann. Khya, Madame de Marelle'in gemii ile bugn arasndaki tek bad. Seneler evvel avluda kararsz dikilip, ta duvarlara bakakalan yeni evli gencecik kadnn gzlerindeki taze aknln, her geen gn nasl korkuyla kvamlandn bilen tek insand. Kadnn, geceleri srtna inen krbalardan kalan yaralar iyiletirmek iin srd melhemlerin kokusunu da, zamanla melhemlerden medet ummay braktn da bilen tek kii khyayd. Onun da gayet iyi bildii zere, evliliklerinin ilk yllarnda pek zalim davranmt kadnn kocas. Geri adam zamanla yumuamt yumuamasna da, bu sefer de kadn gnbegn katlamt. Katlatka, u hayatta insana haz veren her eyi kendine ve etrafndakilere yasaklamt. Zamanla hizmetkrlar onun yanndayken glmsemeye bile cesaret edemez olmulard. Madame de Marelle, khyann btn bildiklerini kendine sakladndan emindi. Nasl ki bu ceviz kaplama karyola, u yksek, resimli

was with the major-domo, but when she got closer she realised he was alone. She dashed to his side, moved by an instinct she could not explain even to herself; without a word, she collapsed onto the bank, in front of the young man. Give me your lips, said the young man. He was so relaxed, so fearless that it was as if he wanted her to give her lips to the bushes on the riverbank or the far-off yew forest instead of to him. While the young man was undressing her, Madame de Marelle was thinking that there was no reason to be ashamed. There was nothing to be ashamed of because she would never rise from the grass on which she was lying. After the disaster, as she tried unsuccessfully to flee, the young man would leave but she would remain here forever. Like a dehydrated insect growing drowsy under the sun, she would wait for death, and for the decay that would return her to the soil. While the young man was undressing, she was listening to the sounds from under the grass. The soil was so hungry. In a few minutes, it would swallow her together with her sins. She closed her eyes. After hanging on for so long, the skin of her lips finally fell away as the young man entered her. A thin, rosy ache ran down her mouth. When the young mans cries of pleasure echoed in the yew forest and rebounded, Madame de Marelle was still lying on the ground. THE GAZE She had no intention of getting up. At that moment, feeling neither pain nor torment, feeling nothing at all, she waited for the earth to swallow her. She just raised her head for a moment to tell him they were not to see each other again. She spoke as if to herself, or to someone who wasnt there. The young man looked at her attentively, and asked no questions. He seemed uneasy. To hide his uneasiness he began combing his rust-coloured hair with his fingers. When Madame de Marelle saw him do this, she froze, and then turned pale. She was shaking. Suddenly, she jumped up and began running half-dressed towards the mansion. She did not leave her room throughout her pregnancy. She never

tavanlar bunca zamandr grdklerini grmemi, duyduklarn duymamsa, khya da bilirdi trpan kadar kr, trmk kadar ll olmay. Elbette, iyiliinden yapmyordu bunlar. yilik onun yanna bile yaklamazd. Tpk bir trmk ya da trpan gibi cansz olmay yelediinden yapyordu olsa olsa. Canszlna zarar gelmesin diye, dilini tutuyor, iine bakyordu. Kadn nefret ediyordu khyadan. Bilhassa da salarndan. Pas rengiydi khyann salar; kstah bir edayla kvr kvr dklyorlard omuzlarna. Kadnn salanysa dmdz ve simsiyaht. Her sabah odasndan kmadan evvel, smsk bir topuz yapar; gn boyu tek bir sa telinin bile topuzdan ayrlmasna gz yummazd. Ama aslnda hi nemi yoktu khyay sevip sevmemesinin. O senelerdir bu maliknenin bir paras olagelmiti. Yal bir urgan ya da emektar bir saban nasl ve ne kadar gerekliyse, khya da yle ve o kadar gerekliydi. Madame de Marelle birka kez khya ile haber gnderip, delikanlnn iine son vermenin eiinden dnmt. Her seferinde, kararl balad cmleyi tamamlayamadan khyann yanndan ayrlmt. Bakt ki olmayacak, bir mddet delikanldan uzaklamaya ka110 rar verdi. Gnler sren hazrlklardan sonra, nihayet bir akam maliknedeki btn hizmetilere tembih stne tembih yadrp yola kt. Nehrin zerindeki asma kprye kadar gitti atlar. "Bugn sular kabarm niyeyse," dedi arabac. "Ama meraklanmayn, geeriz," diye ekledi. Madame de Marelle biliyordu sularn niye kabardn, biliyordu geemeyeceklerini. Arabacya dnmesini syledi. Dndnde gece olmutu. Kimse yoktu ortalkta. Sessizliin iinde bir yerlerde, birileri fsltyla konuuyordu. Fsltlar takip edince, ahrn nnde buldu kendini. Sesler ieriden geliyordu. Tahtann yarklarna gzn uydurup, ieriyi grmeye alt ama fazla karanlkt. Glmeler duyuluyordu arada; atlar kiniyordu, bir eylerden korkmuasna. Derken birden, ahrn kaps ald ve

saw the young man again, and never asked after him. From time to time the major-domo came to visit her. She did not like him, she did not want him close. However, the majordomo was necessary. The major-domo was necessary in the same way as a greasy rope or an old plough. No one else but him knew the state her lips were in. They were torn to bits. With the sapphire-studded dagger that her husband had always kept within reach throughout his life, she had made deep cuts in the lips that shed given to the young man. Her lips opened in layers like carnations and each petal of flesh barely hung on. Now, in the nut-wood, oriental four-poster bed, in the room with a ceiling as high as the sky, and a floor as soft as dove wings while life was screaming out its pain, the scabs on her lips were trembling. The sheets were covered in sweat, and in faeces and blood. She didnt make a sound. If she could have spoken, she would have asked God for a heavy snow. She would ask God to freeze the pain in her body, the feverish commotion around her. Life itself should freeze, so that centuries later she could serve as an example, before which people would fall to their knees, of the sin of being unable to give birth. She was covered in sweat. She didnt blink. She was staring at ELIF SHAFAK the wings of the tiny, creamcomplexioned angel on the sky-high ceiling. She didnt make a sound as the pain scythed her blood vessels, not even a moan emerged from her lips. Her lips/ The girls assisting the midwife were frightened to learn how her lips had come to be this way. This is how the twins were born. They put one baby into each of her arms. Madame de Marelle looked first at the first-born. This baby was so ugly that it was more of a demon than a human baby. She smiled tenderly. What was more natural than that ugliness should result from such shameful intercourse? At least God would never let her forget the sin she had committed. After that moment, until her last breath, whenever she looked at that child, the clamp squeezing her

khya dar kt. Alnnda boncuk boncuk ter damlalar birikmiti. Kadn, saklamaya gerek duymad bir tiksintiyle bakt ona. Nasl da sfl bir grn vard. Delikanlnn semavi gzelliinin yannda, yolunu arp yanllkla cennetin kaplarn zorlayan bir zebaniyi andryordu. Yakmyordu; byle ilahi ve ilahi olduu kadar da eytani bir gzelliin hkm srd hibir yere yakmyordu. Gene de gerekliydi. Yal bir urgan ya da emektar bir saban nasl ve ne kadar gerekliyse, khya da yle ve o kadar gerekliydi. Madame de Marelle o gece, sabaha kar nihayet uyuyabildiin-de, daha nce de defalarca grd ryann iinde buldu kendini. Bask, karanlk bir maaradayd. Hemen nnde duvar onlarca kapya blnyor, her bir kapnn ardnda hepsi de birbirine benzeyen atal atal yollar uzanyordu. Daha nceki ryalarnda defalarca kaybola kaybola artk ne taraftan gideceini renmiti. Yosunlarla kapl genilie gelene kadar yrd. Orada, titrek kl mumlarla evrelenmi Meryem ana heykelciklerinin tam ortasnda, yz eklinde bir kabartma vard. Bu, yedi gnahn tadna bakarak eytana hizmet edenlerin ellerini srp koparan Masum Suratt. Bir insann masum olup olmadnn anlalmas iin elini kabartmann ak duran azndan ieri sokmas kfiydi. Eer masumsa, kabartma azn ak tutmaya devam eder ve hibir ey olmazd. Eer gnahkrsa, Masum Surat derhal azn kapatr ve iinde hapis kalan eli bir daha asla salmazd. Madame de Marelle bu ryaya her dnde, kabartmann nne kadar gelmi ama masumiyetini snamaktan son anda caymt. Bu sefer olanca cesaretini toplad, heyecandan tir tir titreyerek elini uzatt. Bu esnada, Masum Surat'n yznn yava yava deitiini fark etmiti. Umursamad. Derin bir nefes ald ve bileine kadar sa elini li i,.J~*3 * i kabartmann azna soktu. Parmak ularnda garip bir rperti hissetse de elini geri ekmedi. Birden aniden, karsndaki yz, delikanlnn yzne dnverdi. Ayn anda, Masum Surat'n az grltyle kapand. Kendi lyla uyand. Sa eli zonkluyordu. Karyolada dorulup elini outurdu. Henz

conscience would tighten, and it would be harder to carry the weight of her crime. Thanking God, she kissed the wrinkled cheek of the first-born baby with her shredded lips. Then she turned her head and saw the second baby. The second baby was so beautiful that it was more like a lost jinn than a human baby. The tiny lips flowering on her rosy skin were moving slightly as if at any moment she would learn how to speak. Madame de Marelle examined it with curiosity at first, and then with hatred. And when she decided that she did not want to see it any more, she pulled her arm away. Then, with her back to the second baby, and facing the first, she fell into a deep sleep. Marking the page of the book he was reading with the sapphire-studded dagger that he always kept within reach, Monsieur de Marelle sighed with distress. Even holding the babies in his arms a few minutes ago hadnt helped. Whenever he felt distressed like this, he started combing his rust-coloured hair with his stubby fingers. He liked his hair. Hed never seen any one else with such hair. This rust-coloured hair was passed from generation to generation in his THE GAZE family. One of the twins resembled its father, but the other one? Who knows, perhaps later on the other babys hair would resemble its mothers. Like her mother, she would wear her hair in a tight bun, never allowing a single strand to escape. His wife was sleeping again, shed been sleeping since the birth. Sometimes, as she slept, Monsieur de Marelle sat on the edge of the nut-wood bed and watched her. Shed grown strange in the last year. How difficult her pregnancy had been. It was as if she became more filled with hatred with each passing day, as if every pleasure in life disgusted her. Who knew how long it had been since the light of love had been seen in her eyes. Even though hed known years ago, when hed chosen Madeleine as his wife, that she was not in love with him, hed thought that in time this would be solved. Of course, he was aware of his own faults. Indeed he

sabaha ok vard. Korka korka tekrar yatt. Artk hep kendi lyla uyanyordu. Dudaklar szlyordu. Her gecenin sabahnda, her karabasann sonunda bir kat daha incelmi oluyordu pembe deri; her gn bir adm daha yaklayordu yrtlaca ana. Zaten nehir kenarna da bu halde gitmiti, yrtld yrtlacak dudaklaryla. Uzaktan baktnda, delikanlnn khya ile beraber olduunu sanm, ancak yaklatka onun yalnz olduunu anlamt. Kendine bile aklayamad bir drtyle o tarafa seyirtmi; tek kelime etmeden delikanlnn karsna, suyun kenarna kvermiti. "Dudaklarn ver!" demiti delikanl. yle rahat, yle pervaszd ki, sanki kadndan dudaklarn kendisine deil de, nehir kenarndaki bodur allara ya da ta uzaktaki porsukaac ormanna vermesini istiyordu. Delikanl onu soyarken, Madame de Marelle utanmas iin bir sebep olmadn dnyordu. Utanacak bir ey yoktu nk nasl olsa bir daha kalkmayacakt bu imenlerin zerinden. Hep kat ama hi kaamad felaket olup bittiinde, delikanl ekip gidecek ama o ebediyen burada kalacakt. Tpk suyunu yitirmi bir bcek gibi gnein altnda mayarak lm bekleyecek, ryerek topraa dnecekti. Delikanl soyunurken, o da imenlerin altndan gelen sesleri dinliyordu. Nasl da ackmt toprak. Birazdan yutacakt onu, g-nahlaryla beraber. Gzlerini kapad. Dudaklarnda bunca zamandr direnen deri, delikanlnn iine girmesiyle birlikte boydan boya yrtld. nce, pembe bir sz akt aznn kenarndan. Delikanlnn zevk l ta uzaktaki porsukaac ormannda yanklanp gerisin geri dndnde, Madame de Marelle hl yerde yatyordu. Kalkmaya niyeti yoktu. u anda ne ac, ne azap, hibir ey hissetmeden, topran aznda kaybolmay bekliyordu. Yalnz bir ara ban kaldrp, bir daha grmeyeceklerini syledi. ylesine, ortaya bir yerlere konumutu sanki; ya da ortada olmayan biriyle. Delikanl bir mddet dikkatle szd onu, soru

was quite cruel to her at the beginning of their marriage. When he remembered what hed done to her in those days, he felt pangs of conscience. But later he straightened out completely, and never hurt Madeleine again. But rather than being made happy by this, she became steadily harder. He was accustomed to his wifes coldness, but what had happened in the last year was a mystery to him. She was growing stranger by the day. Recently, shed wanted to take a long trip in order to get away from the de Marelle estate. Monsieur de Marelle hadnt objected because hed thought it would do her good. But even though shed wanted to take the trip and had spent days preparing, shed returned almost as soon as shed set out. When she came back, Monsieur de Marelle was grooming the horses. When he attempted to ask where shed gone and why shed returned so soon, Madeleine looked at him in disgust and closed the door of her room without a word. Over time, incidents like this had become so common that Monsieur de Marelle began to wonder whether or not his wife recognised him. As if/ as if she mistook him for someone else, someone who wasnt there. And as if she was fleeing from someone nobody else could see, perhaps a ghost. This region was already better known for its ghost stories than for its yew trees. ELIF SHAFAK In fact, Monsieur de Marelle turned a deaf ear to this twisted reasoning. All he knew was that, for whatever reason, Madeleines condition was growing more serious by the day. However, throughout this period he continued having affairs with the maids rather than trying to discover what was going on. Nothing changed. In any event, ever since the beginning of their marriage he had been rebuffed every time he tried to touch her. To tell the truth, though, he wasnt that put out by the situation. In fact his desire had been quenched the moment he saw the tight bun in which she tied her jet-black hair. However, he deeply wanted an heir. A child with rust-coloured hair just like his! Hed begun to believe that he would

sormad. Skntl grnyordu. Sknty savuturmak iin kt parmaklaryla pas rengi salarn taramaya balad. Madame de Marelle bu hareketi grr grmez nce 112 kaskat, sonra sapsar kesildi. Titriyordu. Derken telala ayaa frlad ve yan plak bir halde malikneye doru komaya balad. Hamilelii boyunca odasndan dar kmad. Delikanly bir daha grmedi ve de kimselere sormad. Ara sra khya geliyordu ziyaretine. Sevmiyordu onu, istemiyordu yaknnda yresinde. Gene de gerekliydi khya. Yal bir urgan ya da emektar bir saban nasl ve ne kadar gerekliyse, khya da yle ve o kadar gerekliydi. Kadnn dudaklarnn ne hale geldiini ondan baka gren yoktu. Paralamt onlar. Kocasnn hayattayken eiinden drmedii kabzas safirlerle bezenmi hanerle, derin izgiler ekmiti delikanlya verdii dudaklarna. Katmerli karanfiller gibi ta ta almt dudaklar ve her bir et parasnn zerinde, ha dt ha decek bir kabuk tutunmaya alyordu vargcyle. imdi, tavan gkyz kadar yksek, taban gvercin kanad kadar yumuak odada, direkleri oymal, ceviz kaplama karyolada acsn haykrrken yaam, endieyle titreiyordu dudaklarndaki kabuklar. Tere bulanmt araflar ve dkya ve kana. Konuamyordu. Konuabilse, lapa lapa kar yadrmasn isteyecekti Tann'dan. Etrafndaki manasz kouturmay, canndan kopmaya alan canlar ebediyen dondurmasn isteyecekti ondan. bret olsun diye, yzyllar sonra bile insanlar doum yapamayan gnahkr kadn grsn, grp de dizleri zerinde nedamet getirsin diye donmalyd hayat. Ter iindeydi. Hi krpmyordu gzlerini. Gkyz kadar yksek tavanda, sansn ayiei tarlasnda dolaan mini mini, kaymak tenli melein kanatlarnda taklmt gzbebekleri. t karmyordu. Sanclar damarlarn trpanlarken, tek bir inilti bile kmyordu dudaklanndan. Dudaklar/ Ebeye yardmc olmak iin kouturan gen kzlar bu dudaklan neyin, nasl bu hale getirmi olabileceini renmekten rkyordu. Byle dodu ikizler. Bebeklerden birini annenin

never have an heir when, one day, he found a note from his wife on the desk in his study. The note told him to come to the riverbank the following morning. Monsieur de Marelle went to the riverbank at the appointed time, and began to wait. Madeleine was not too late. But there was something strange about her arrival. For a while she watched her husband from behind a bush, and then approached like a timid animal, sniffing at him. Finally, she sat beside him quietly and obediently. Monsieur de Marelle looked at his wife in astonishment. He tried to understand how this woman who had not let him touch her since they married and looked at him with disgust had changed so suddenly. Then, suddenly, she offered him her lips. The man was astounded; at first out of surprise, and then in a frenzy, he half kissed those lips. His wife behaved as if she wasnt aware of what was happening. She was unruffled. She let herself go completely. Even when she lay stark naked on the grass, she still behaved strangely; putting her ear to the ground and murmuring. Even after making love, she continued lying on the ground as she had been. She raised her head only for a moment and said they would not see each other any more. It was as if she wasnt speaking to her husband, but to the world in general; or to someone he couldnt see. Then, suddenly, she went pale, and was perfectly still, as if she has seen something terrifying. A moment later she jumped up THE GAZE and ran towards the mansion halfdressed. As he watched his wife anxiously for a while, Monsieur de Marelle tried to understand the dream in which they were struggling so desperately. But it seemed that it wasnt a dream. It couldnt be, because his wife was getting bigger by the day. Pregnancy made her stranger, and more ill-tempered. In the following months, she never left her room, and spent her days staring blankly at statues of the Virgin Mary. Even though Monsieur de Marelle knew he wasnt wanted, lie visited her frequently, to see if she needed anything, and each time he left his

bir koluna, tekini dier koluna yatrdlar. Madame de Marelle nce ilk doan bebee bakt. ylesine irkindi ki bu bebek, bir insan yavrusundan ziyade, bir ifrit msveddesini andnyordu. Kadn efkatle glmsedi. Utan verici bir birlemenin meyvesinin bylesine irkin olmasndan daha tabi ne olabilirdi ki? Neyse ki Tann iledii gnah unutmasna izin vermeyecekti. Bundan byle son nefesini verene kadar, bu ocua her baknda vicdann skan mengene biraz daha daralacak, vebalinin 113 kamburunu tamak biraz daha zorlaacakt. lgn bir mutlulukla Tanrya kredip, erha erha dudaklaryla kocaman bir pck kondurdu ilk bebeinin buru buru yanana. Sonra, ban br tarafa evirdi ve ikinci bebei grd. Bebeklerden ikincisi o kadar gzeldi ki, bir insan yavrusundan ziyade, yolunu arm bir periyi andryordu. eker pembesi teninin zerinde gonca gibi alan minnack dudaklar, sanki her an dillenip konuacakm gibi srekli kpr kprd. Madame de Marelle nce hayretle, sonra nefretle inceledi ikinci bebeini. Ve, onu daha fazla grmek istemediine karar verdiinde, kolunu geri ekti. Ardndan, srt ikinci bebeine, yz birinci bebeine dnk bir halde, derin mi derin bir uykuya yatt. Monsieur de Marelle, elinden drmedii kabzas safirlerle kapl hanerini okuduu kitabn arasna koyarken skntyla iini ekti. Az evvel ikizleri kucana almak bile skntsn hafifletmemiti. Ne zaman byle daralsa, kt parmaklaryla pas rengi salarn hzl hzl taramaya balard, gene yle yapt. Severdi salarn. Baka kimsede byle sa grmemiti. Slalade kuaktan kuaa aktarlmt bu pas rengi, ikizlerden biri de babasna ekmiti zaten; ama ya teki? Kimbilir, belki ileride, teki bebein salar da annesininkilere benzerdi. O da annesi gibi smsk topuz yapar, tek bir telin bile dar kmasna gz yummazd. Gene uyuyordu kars; doumdan bu yana devaml uyuyordu. Bazen o uyurken Monsieur de Marelle ceviz kaplama karyolann kenarnda oturup, onu

wife with a distress deep enough to cast a shadow over the joy his rust-haired heir had brought him Finally the day of the birth arrived. It was a terrible, stormy night. While the wind and the rain and the thunder raged outside, and the huge mansion shook, Monsieur de Marelle paced back and forth in the corridors, trying in vain to hear his wifes screams. Hours later he tired of pacing, and secluded himself in his library, where he ceaselessly combed his rustcoloured hair with his stubby fingers .is he waited. Thats how the twins were born. Since that moment, Madame de Marelle had been buried in an endless sleep. She was always sleeping. Sometimes, at the least expected moments, she woke up and looked around with bewildered eyes.Then they would bring the babies to be nursed. It happened the same way every time. She would nurse the rust-coloured baby for a long time, but when it was the beautiful ones turn, she turned her back and went back to sleep. In the end they had to hire a wet nurse for the second baby. A suitable woman was found in one of the surrounding villages. She was young and robust. She smelled of sheeps wool and cheese and straw. She had recently given birth. She had so much milk that even if she nursed not just one but a dozen babies her swollen breasts still would not diminish easily. The wet nurse loved the beautiful baby as soon as she saw it. She admired the baby as she nursed her; she smiled as if it was her own beauty rather than the babys that she was so proud of. When from time to time she was asked to nurse the ugly baby as well, she begrudged him the little milk that ELIF SHAFAK flowed into his mouth. As for Monsieur de Marelle, he was pleased to see the difference between his wife and the peasant woman; with curiosity, he watched these two different women and the way they became close to the two different babies. As he watched, his belief that women were strange creatures grew stronger. The wet nurse was quite pleased to feel Monsieur de Marelles curious gazes. And one day, when the baby

seyrediyordu. Son bir sene iinde nasl da tuhaf-lamt. Nasl da zor gemiti hamilelii. Sanki her geen gn biraz daha nefretle dolmu, hayata haz katan her eyden tiksinir olmutu. Gzlerinin sevgiyle baktn grmeyeli kimbilir ne kadar zaman gemiti. Geri bundan seneler evvel, Madeleine'i e olarak setiinde de gayet iyi biliyordu onun kendisine k olmadn ama zamanla her ey hallolur sanmt. Elbette, kendi kabahatlerinin de farkndayd. Bilhassa evliliklerinin balarnda pek zalim davranmt ona. O gnlerde yaptklar aklna geldike, iri iri kymklar batyordu vicdanna. Ama sonra tamamen dzelmi, Madeleine'i bir daha hi incitmemiti. Oysa o bundan mutlu olacana, giderek katlam, talamt. Karsnn soukluuna alknd alk olmasna da, u son bir sene iinde ona olup bitenlere akl sr erdiremiyordu. Her geen gn gi114 derek tuhaflamt. Bir ara uzun bir yolculua kp, de Marelle topraklarndan uzaklamak istediini sylediinde, Monsieur de Marelle bunun ona iyi gelebileceini dnd iin itiraz etmemiti. Ama bu yolculuu bu kadar ok istedii ve gnlerce hazrlk yapt halde, yola kmasyla geri dnmesi bir olmutu. O dndnde Monsieur de Marelle ahrda atlar kaalyordu. Nereye gittiini ve neden bu kadar erken dndn sormaya kalktnda, Madeleine suratn tiksintiyle buruturarak bakm ve hibir ey sylemeden odasna kapanmt. Zamanla buna benzer hadiseler o kadar oalmt ki, Monsieur de Marelle karsnn kendisini tandndan phe duymaya balamt. Sanki/ sanki onu bir bakasyla kartryordu, ortada olmayan biriyle. Ve sanki kimsenin grmedii birinden kayordu, belki de bir hayaletten. Zaten bu yre, porsuk aalarndan ok hayalet hikayeleriyle nam salmt. Geri Monsieur de Marelle bu safsatalara kulak amazd. Tek bildii, sebebi ne olursa olsun, Madeleine'in durumunun her geen gn daha da vahim bir hal aldyd. O da btn bu zaman zarfnda meseleyi kurcalamak yerine, maliknedeki hizmetilerle

was dozing in her arms, she took her chapped nipple out of the babys small mouth and offered it to the man. After that, she began to neglect the beautiful baby. Although she continued to nurse her, her primary duty in the mansion now was not to feed the baby, but to feed the father. One day the wet nurse, following Monsieur de Marelle, found herself in the room where the bookcases were. Shed never stepped foot in this room before. As she gazed at the crowded shelves, a painting on the wall caught her eye. There was a hole in the golden relief of the frame. At first sight, it was like a halfopen mouth; you know, an opening to the unknown just like the Innocent Faces mouth which bites and tears off the hands of sinners. This frame, this painting/ Suddenly the wet nurse screamed. She grew pale and scurried around the room looking about frantically. As she could not see anything else to cover it with, she hurriedly took off her shawl and covered the painting, groping as she tried to avoid looking in that direction. Meanwhile, Monsieur de Marelle must have been flabbergasted since he couldnt say a word or ask what was going on, but simply watched her frantic movements with wide eyes. But the young woman told him anyway. Ive heard about this painting. All of the women in the village know about it. They all talk about it. Once, a young man lived here. He worked with the major-domo. He was so beautiful that those who saw him lost their senses. The owner of the mansion was a THE GAZE widow; she fell in love with the young man. But the young man didnt want her. The woman suffered a great deal. Then one day the young man disappeared. They found his body in the forest; under .1 yew tree. No one understood how it had happened. The widow ran to the spot as soon as she heard. She carried the body by herself to the riverbank. Then she embraced the body and didnt leave it. She wept there for days. She chased off everyone who approached. In the end, they had to drag the woman

dp kalkmaya devam etmiti. Deien bir ey yoktu. Zaten evliliklerinin bandan beri ne zaman karsna el srmeye kalksa, geri evrilmiti, iin asl, pek de ikyeti saylmazd bu durumdan. Ne de olsa, Madeleine'in o smsk, simsiyah topuzunu grmesiyle, hevesinin snmesi bir oluyordu. Ne var ki, iten ie bir varis istiyordu. Salar tpk kendisininkiler gibi pas rengi bir ocuk! Bu gidile hibir zaman bir varis edinemeyeceine iyiden iyiye inanmaya balad gnlerden birinde, kitaplk odasndaki alma masasnda karsndan bir not bulmutu. Notta ertesi sabah nehrin kenarna gelmesi syleniyordu. Monsieur de Marelle belirtilen zamanda, belirtilen yere gitmi ve beklemeye koyulmutu. ok gecikmemiti Madeleine. Ama bir tuhaflk vard geliinde. Bir mddet bir aly siper ederek kocasn gzetlemi, sonra rkek bir hayvan gibi yaklam; koklaya koklaya adamn etrafnda dolanmt. Nihayet, sessiz ve itaatkr, gelip oturmutu yanna. Monsieur de Marelle hayretle bakmt karsna. Evliliklerinin bandan beri kendine dokundurtmayan ve son zamanlarda yzne hep irenerek bakan kadnn nasl olup da byle anszn deitiini anlamaya almt. Derken, durup dururken dudaklanni uzatmt kadn. Allak bullak olmutu adam; nce aknlktan, sonra telatan yarm yamalak pebilmiti bu dudaklar. Kars sanki neler olup bittiinin farknda deildi. Pelte gibiydi. Ken115 dini tamamen brakmt. imenlerin zerinde rlplak kaldnda dahi gememiti tuhafl; kulan topraa dayayp, habire mrl mrl bir eyler anlatmt. Sevitikten sonra da, ylece yatmaya devam etmiti topran zerinde. Sadece bir ara ban kaldrp bundan sonra bir daha grmeyeceklerine dair bir laf etmiti. Sanki kocasna deil de ortaya sylemiti bu szleri; ya da ortada olmayan birine. Derken, birden aniden, dehetengiz bir ey grmesine nce kaskat, sonra sapsar kesilmiti. Ve hemen ardndan ayaa frlayp, yan plak bir halde malikneye doru komutu. Monsieur de Marelle bir

away from the body in order to bury it. The wet nurse was breathless from talking so quickly. After gulping down the wine Monsieur de Marelle offered her, she ( aimed down a bit and began talking more slowly. Before the funeral, the widow hired an artist to paint the young mans portrait. She also had a frame made.The hole in the frame was just like the mouth of Innocent Face. Then she hung the picture beside her bed. Every day she suffered terribly when she looked at that picture. It had been a sin to desire the young man so much, and she thought the young man had died because of this. Every night she put her hand into the hole to see if she was a sinner or not. In the end, she went completely mad. The picture was also lost. All of the women in the village know this story. The picture is said to be cursed. Because the young man was very beautiful. He could make any woman fall in love with him. He captured the hearts of virgins in particular. Any virgin who saw him lost her senses. That picture must be covered. It mustnt be looked at. After the wet nurse had had a bit more wine, she asked calmly: But how did it get here? I thought it was hidden. Last year/ Madeleine hung it here. Madeleine/ Monsieur de Marelle could not finish his words. He suddenly had a terrible headache. Abruptly, he rushed out of the room. He strode towards the babies; he picked up the beautiful baby and ran back to the library. He uncovered the picture against the objections of the wet nurse and put the baby and the picture side-by-side. Without any doubt, the beautiful babys face was a smaller copy of the young ELIF SHAFAK mans. The moment Monsieur de Marelle saw the resemblance, he hated the beautiful baby. From now on, he no longer wanted to see it. Because every time he looked at it, he would see the face of the man his wife had become infatuated with, and he would remember her betrayal. Not all children grow up alike.

mddet kaygyla karsnn peinden bakp, nasl bir ryann ortasnda debelendiklerini anlamaya almt. Ama anlalan rya deildi. Deildi ki, gnbegn bymeye balamt karsnn karn. Hamilelik daha da tuhaf yapmt onu, daha da hrn. Takip eden aylar boyunca odasndan hemen hemen hi dar kmam, gn boyu szgn baklarla bakire Meryem heykelciklerine bakp durmutu. Monsieur de Marelle istenmediini bile bile sk sk uram, bir ihtiyac olup olmadna bakm ve her seferinde, salar pas rengi bir varisin sevincini glgeleyecek kadar derin bir i skntsyla ayrlmt karsnn yanndan. Nihayet gelmiti doum vakti. Berbat, frtnal bir geceydi. Darda rzgr ve yamur ve imekler elele vermi grltyle tepinirken, koca malikne korkudan zangr zangr titrerken, Monsieur de Marelle koridorlarda bir aa bir yukan yryp, bo yere duymaya almt karsnn lklarn. Saatler sonra dolamaktan yorgun dnce kitaplna kapanm, habire kt parmaklaryla pas rengi salarn tarayarak skntyla beklemiti. Byle domutu ikizler. O andan itibaren de bitimsiz bir uykuya ekilmiti Madame de Marelle. Hep uyuyordu. Bazen, hi umulmadk bir anda uyanp, akn gzlerle etrafna bakmyordu. Emzirmesi iin hemen bebekleri getiriyorlard o zaman. Her seferinde ayn ey oluyordu. Salar pas rengi irkin bebei uzun uzun emziriyor ama sra gzeller gzeli teki bebee gelince srtn dnp, tekrar yatyordu. Sonunda, ikinci bebek iin bir stanne tutmak art olmutu. Civardaki kylerden birinde bu ie uygun bir kadn bulundu. Gen ve grbzd. Koyun yn ve peynir ve saman ve bulama kokuyordu. Yeni doum yapmt. O kadar ok st vard ki, sanki deil bir, bir dzine bebei tkabasa doyursa bile kolay kolay inmeyecekti gslerinin ilii. Stanne, gzel bebei grr grmez sevmiti. 116 Emzirirken bebei hayranlkla seyrediyor; seyrine bakt gzellik kendi suretinin aynasym gibi gururla

Some children grow up diluting the dense thickness of time through the existence of those who love them, sip by sip. Some drink the time without mixing it, gulp by gulp. The baby they called the beautiful baby was one of these, and before she emerged from infancy, she had her share of loneliness. First, her twin brother, who left their mothers womb before her, then her mother, then the wet nurse and finally her father all left her. She was to grow up alone, far away from them. She spent her time wandering around the countryside or getting lost in the yew forest. She also often went to the riverbank. She loved it there. Something about the river drew her to it. She would sit there for hours, dangling her legs in the water: she would strain to see her reflection in the wildly flowing water. Sometimes she was so absorbed in her reflection rippling on the surface of the water that she didnt even realise the sun had set or that it was getting dark. She wasnt afraid to spend the night there; Or of the sounds of the night. In any event, no one at home would miss her. Her mother always looked at her face with shame, the wet nurse with doubt, her father with hatred and her twin brother with jealousy. Whoever saw her either made a face or avoided her eyes. Only the river smiled when it saw Annabelle, telling her that there was nothing to be sad about, telling her that her magical beauty was reminiscent of a beautiful jinn. And giving her the good news that she could fly away whenever she wished, fluttering her wings just like a jinn. To tell the truth, it was not a strange coincidence that Annabelle THE GAZE could live her life without leaving the de Marelle estate, and that she could grow old watching herself in the river. It was the beginning of autumn. Yellow leaves were leaping into space and falling onto the water one by one as if they were in competition. There was a fragile and hollow haste in nature. During these days, a wandering theatre company stopped to rest near the river. All the actors seemed to be

glmsyordu. Zaman zaman onu da emzirmesi istendiinde, kerhen az biraz st aktyordu irkin bebein azna. Monsieur de Marelle'e gelince, o, kendi kars ile kyl kadn arasndaki tezat grmekten mthi bir keyif alyor; bu iki farkl kadnn, iki farkl bebekle yaknlamalarn merakla seyrediyordu. Seyrettike, kadnlarn akl d mahluklar olduklarna dair inanc pekiiyordu. Stanne, Monsieur de Marelle'in merakl baklarn zerinde hissetmekten gayet memnundu. Ve gzel bebein kollarnda uyuyakald bir gn, ptr ptr kabarm meme ucunu bebein kmen azndan kartp, adama ikram etti. O andan itibaren de gzel bebei ihmal etmeye balayacakt. Geri onu hl emziriyordu ama artk bu maliknedeki esas vazifesi bebei deil, babasn doyurmakt. Bir gn stanne, Monsieur de Marelle'in peisra, kitapln bulunduu odaya dald. Daha evvel buraya admn atmamt. Tkabasa kitap dolu raflara bakarken, duvardaki tabloya takld gz. Tablonun altn kabartmal erevesinde bir oyuk vard. lk bakta, aralk duran bir az andryordu; hani u gnahkrlarn ellerini srp kopartan Masum Surat'nki gibi mehule alm bir az. Bu ereve, bu tablo/ Stanne aniden l bast. Eli ayana dolam, beti benzi atm bir halde etrafna baknp, odann iinde drt dnmeye balad. Ortalkta hi rt gremeyince telala srtndaki al kard ve o tarafa bakmamaya alarak elyordamyla tablonun zerini rtt. Bu arada Monsieur de Marelle'in aknlktan nutku tutulmu olmalyd ki, bym gzbebekleriyle stannenin birbirinden tuhaf hareketlerini izlerken tek kelime edememi, neler olup bittiini sora-mamti. Ama gene de anlatt gen kadn. "Bu tabloyu duymutum. Kyde btn kadnlar bilir. Hep anlatrlar. Vaktiyle burada bir delikanl yaarm. Khyann yannda alrm. O kadar gzel, o kadar gzelmi ki, grenlerin akln bandan alrm. Maliknenin sahibi dul bir kadnm; delikanlya k olmu. Ama

tired of life. They picked out the lice wearily, memorised their parts, washed their laundry, spooned up cabbage soup without exchanging a word. But one of them stopped working and became engrossed in watching the girl not far away who was dangling her legs in the river. This little, ignorant, unlovable, arrogant man was the owner of the troupe. After watching Annabelle for quite some time, he turned to his friends and said: Everybody should see such beauty! Sometimes a lot of things happen at once. The owner of the troupe left the de Marelle mansion blissfully happy, even though when he knocked on the door hed had little hope. His luck was better than hed expected. First he was astounded by the news that Annabelle was not a maid, but the daughter of the owner of the mansion; then he was amazed that even though she was, nobody objected to her joining the troupe. It happened so easily that the owner of the troupe felt anxious that someone might ruin it all, so he decided that it was auspicious to leave the de Marelle estate as soon as possible and he gathered the troupe together and they hurried off. He still didnt know what skills Annabelle had. If her voice was as beautiful as her appearance, she could sing during the intervals; perhaps she could join the dancing girls or a new part could be written for her. However it was, he was sure that this jinn faced girl would bring good luck to the troupe that had so much misfortune recently. Hed even found a name for the girl: La Belle Annabelle! Annabelles twin brother, her mother and her father lined up in ELIF SHAFAK the courtyard and watched the troupe move off into the distance. When the carriages turned the corner and disappeared, the three of them sighed with relief. Only the village woman whod once been her nurse and who hadnt left the mansion since was concerned about her and called out to them: Where are you taking her? The owner of the troupe replied cheerfully without taking his eyes off her full breasts.

delikanl onu istememi. Kadn ok ac ekmi. Sonra bir gn delikanl ortadan kaybolmu. Ormanda lsn bulmular; bir porsu-kaacnn dibinde. Kimse nasl ldn anlamam. Dul kadn olay duyar duymaz oraya koturmu. ly tek bana ta nehir kenanna 117 kadar tam. Sonra da cesede sarlm, brakmam. Gnlerce orada gzya dkm. Yanna yaklaanlar kovalyormu. Sonunda ly gmebilmek iin kadn yerlerde srkleye srkleye delikanlnn cesedinden ayrmaya mecbur kalmlar." Stanne bu kadar hzl konumaktan nefes nefese kalmt. Monsieur de Marelle'in uzatt arab lkr lkr itikten sonra, birazck yatp daha yava anlatmaya balad. "Dul kadn cenazeden evvel bir ressam tutmu, delikanlnn resmini yapsn diye. Bir de ereve yaptrm. erevenin zerindeki oyuk tpk Masum Surat'n az gibiymi. Sonra da resmi alp ba ucuna asm. Her gn bu resme baktka korkun bir azap ekiyormu. Delikanly bu kadar arzulad iin byk gnah ilemi ya, onun da bu yzden ldn dnyormu. Gnahkr olup olmadn anlamak iin her gece elini oyua sokuyormu. Sonunda tamamen trlatm. Tablo da kaybolmu. Kydeki btn kadnlar bilir bu hikyeyi. Resmin lanetli olduunu sylerler. nk ok gzelmi delikanl. Her kadn kendine k edebilirmi. Bilhassa bakirelerin yreini elermi. Onu gren bakire akln oynatrm. rtmek lazm bu resmi. Ona bakmamak lazm." Stanne biraz daha arap aldktan sonra, durgun bir sesle sordu: "yi de nasl gelmi bu tablo buraya? Sakl olduunu sanyordum." "Geen sene/ Madeleine ast onu buraya. Madeleine/ " Monsieur de Marelle lafn tamamlayamad. Beter bir an saplanmt bana. Palas pandras odadan frlad. Kotura kotura bebeklerin yanna gitti; gzel bebei kucaklad gibi, kotura kotura kitapln bulunduu odaya dnd. Stannenin btn itirazlarna ramen, tablonun zerindeki al indirdi ve bebekle resmi yan yana tuttu. Hi phe yok, gzel bebein yz

To the East! To the city of Istanbul. Pera-1885 I he men entering Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendis cherry-i oloured tent through the eastwardfacing door one by one were here to see the dazzling La Belle Annabelle, the great beauty, the nnly beautiful jinn of the poisonous yew forest. She was the last to i.ike the stage. Before her there were other beauties. The opening was performed by the masked woman. The mask she wore was truly marvellous with the lock of hair on its forehead, its almond eyes, arrow eyelashes, inkwell nose, cherry lips, the dimple flowered for its smile and with the candy pink spreading across its cheeks. She stood on the stage without saying a word or doing anything. It was as if she had been told to wait, and she was obeying and waiting without knowing why or for what. Then, at the least expected moment, she dropped the mask on her face. A cry of amazement rose from the audience. The face they saw now was exactly the same as the one theyd seen before. The faint sound of a distant violin was heard. When the violin stopped playing, t he beautiful woman whose mask was her face, her face her mask, diluted the audience in a graceful manner. At her sign, the purple-fringed curtains opened slowly. While the spring breeze was blowing on the ivy swing hanging f rom the branches of a wild pear tree in the middle of the blood-red poppy field, and the sun was setting on the horizon, a tiny lady star danced kanto, rabbits frolicked and butterflies flew around her. Her name was Haygano; her voice was shrill. ELIF SHAFAK My pastry is in the pastry shop I bake it, I eat it With cheese or with mincemeat Its all the same to me Since my heart is on fire. When the kanto ended, the wild pear tree started walking; it stepped aside with Haygano swinging on its branches, the blood-red popp field round it, the rabbits and butterflies following. While Haygano was getting drowsy, the

delikanlnn yznn kk bir kopyasyd. Monsieur de Marelle bu benzerlii grd an, gzel bebekten nefret etti. Bundan byle onu grmek istemeyecekti. Zira ona her baknda, karsnda karsnn akln bandan alan erkein sure- g tini bulacak ve nasl ihanete uradn hatrlayacakt. Her ocuk ayn ekilde bymez. Kimi ocuklar zamann koyu kvamn sevenlerinin varlyla seyrelte seyrelte, yudum yudum byrler. Zaman olanca katkszlyla ien kimileriyse, lkr lkr byrler. Anabelle ismini alan gzel bebek de bunlardand ve daha henz bebeklikten kmadan, st ste nasibini almt yalnzlktan. nce, 118 annelerinin rahminden ondan evvel ayrlan ikiz kardei, ardndan annesi, derken stannesi ve en nihayetinde babas tarafndan birer birer terk edilmiti. Onlardan tamamen uzakta, bir bana byyecekti. Vaktinin ounu avare avare krlarda dolaarak ya da porsukaa-c ormannda kaybolarak geiriyordu. Bir de sk sk nehir kenarna iniyordu. Seviyordu oray. Nehirde onu eken bir eyler vard. Bacaklarn suya sarktp, saatlerce orada oturuyor; deli deli akan sularda kendini grmeye alyordu. Bazen ylesine dalp gidiyordu ki suda dalgalanan suretine, gnein battn, havann karardn fark edemiyordu. Korkmuyordu orada gecelemekten; ne de gecenin seslerinden. Nasl olsa zleyeni yoktu evde. Kendini bildi bileli annesi utanla bakyordu yzne; stannesi pheyle, babas nefretle, ikiz kardei hasetle. Onu her gren ya suratn buruturuyor, ya da gzlerini ka-ryordu. Sadece nehir, Anabelle'i grnce glmsyor; zlecek bir ey olmadn, sihirli gzelliiyle bir periyi andrdn fsldyordu. Ve tpk bir peri gibi her kanat rpnda meneviler saa saa uup gidebileceini mjdeliyordu. tin dorusu, Anabelle bir mr boyu de Marelle topraklarndan ayrlmayabilir, nehrin sularnda kendini seyrede seyrede yalanabilir-di, tabii eer o garip tesadf olmasayd. Sonbahann balaryd. San sar yapraklar

three beauties took the stage. The three beautiful sisters, each more beautiful than the other: Lisa, Maria, Rosa. Lisa, Maria, Rosa. All three sisters were so beautiful that whenever they stood side-byside, they diminished each others beauty. Even so, they never separated for a moment, and had never known jealousy Their hearts were as beautiful as their appearance. Arm in arm, smiles on their faces, flowers flowering in their smiles, they sang songs of how beautiful life was, songs that flowed like a thick liquid. At this point of the show, which went on and on, the teeth of the audience were set on the edge, everybody became bored. Everything was so smooth, so clear, that some of the victims of fate whose lives had gone wrong had to restrain themselves from jumping onto the stage and assaulting the three sisters. Then, Hoyrat Aruzyak jumped onto the stage. Rather she opened layer by layer just like a seducing skirt instead of jumping upon to the stage. Of all of those who performed in the cherry-coloured tent, she was the most experienced on the stage. She was still just a litde child when she first appeared in front of an audience; her hair was curly and golden. As she grew up, she became more beautiful, as she became more beautiful, she became more seductive, and was soon famous throughout the huge city. Stepping on the hearts shed broken, she moved from one troupe to another, from one embrace to another, adding the sugar of passionate kisses to the sulphurous taste of life. She liked glittering jewellery, bright dresses, ostentation and compliments. Not paying attention to what people said, THE GAZE fulfilling every wish of her flesh, she got whatever she wanted in the world, and more. She knew by heart the secret passages, shortcuts .md alleyways of the city of love. However, one day, unexpectedly, the gates of this city were closed to her. When this event that turned her life upside-down occurred, Hoyrat Aruzyak was on stage. Her role

birbirlerine nazire yaparcasna bolua atlayp, birer birer dyordu suya. Dokunann elinde dalan kof bir tela vard tabiatta, tte o gnlerde, gezici bir tiyatro kumpanyas mola verdi nehrin yakmlannda. Oyunculann hepsi de canndan bezmi grnyordu. lgn hareketlerle bitlerini ayklyor, rollerini ezberliyor, amarlann paklyor, lahana orbalann kaklyor ve btn bunlar yaparken kendi aralarnda tek kelime etmiyorlard. Ama ilerinde biri vard ki, ite o iini gcn brakm, az ileride ayaklann nehrin sularna sarktp oturan kz seyredalmt. Bu ufak tefek, kakavan adam kumpanyann sahibiydi. Anabelle'i epeyce seyrettikten sonra, arkadalarna dnerek yle seslendi: "Byle bir gzellii herkes grmeli!" Tez zamanda ok ey olur bazen. Gezici kumpanyann sahibi kapsn mitsizce ve biraz da ylesine ald de Marelle maliknesinden az kulaklannda ayrld. Hi ummad kadar yaver gitmiti ans. nce Anabelle'in, hizmetilerden biri deil, bizzat malikne sahiplerinin kz olduunu renip bocalam; ardndan, gene de kzn kumpanya119 ya katlmasna kimsenin itiraz etmediini grp, iyice afallamt. Her ey o kadar kolay olmutu ki, her an birinin kp da ileri bozmasndan endie eden adam, bir an evvel de Marelle topraklarndan uzaklamann hayrl olacana karar vermi, kumpanyay apar topar yola karmt. Henz Anabelle'in ne tr kabiliyetleri olduunu bilmiyordu. Eer sesi de kendi kadar gzelse, oyun aralarnda tek bana ark syleyebilirdi; belki de dans kzlara katlrd ya da srf ona uygun yeni bir rol yazlabilirdi. Her ne olursa olsun, bu periehre kzn, nicedir ileri ters giden kumpanyaya uur getireceinden emindi. Hatta ona bir isim bile bulmutu: la Belle Anabelle! Anabelle'in ikiz kardei, annesi ve babas avluda yan yana dizilip, gezici kumpanyann uzaklamasn seyrettiler. At arabalar dnemeci dnp gzden kaybolduunda, de rahatladklarn hissettiler. Sadece vaktiyle ona stannelik

called for her to weep at the edge of the stage while two musketeers drew their swords and fought over her. She was in tears on the edge of the stage while two musketeers drew their swords and were fighting for her. As they had performed the same play for months, there was no chance she would forget her lines. But she did; no one ever understood why. All of a sudden, though there was no such part in the play, Hoyrat Aruzyak jumped up with a shrill cry and jumped between the two musketeers. At the same moment, the hostile swords met on her face. Not only in the play, but also in life, the swords of the two men who hated each other because they were in love with the same woman caused wounds along the length of each side of the face of the woman they had been pursuing. Hoyrat Aruzyak fell to the middle of the stage in pain. The curtains descended, the audience left but the pain remained. Hoyrat Aruzyak could not hold a mirror any more, she could not look at her face again. There was no need though; she could see how she looked in the eyes of her friends and enemies. She attempted suicide many times, but she was always rescued by the former fans who appeared wherever she went. She didnt want to live, but couldnt manage to die. She could not bear that the women who used to smile at her even though they were envious now looked at her face in pain and smiled inside. She was harsh to anyone who showed her compassion. She learned words she hadnt previously known. As her heart grew harder, her words became sharper. Because she spoke her mind without thinking, no one wanted her near. In any event, she dropped out of sight after a while. It was said that from time to time she was seen near expensive restaurants, knocking at the doors of acquaintances and ELIF SHAFAK begging, throwing stones at theatre companies whose stages she had once graced, doing anything imaginable in exchange for a drink. Even though the things she did were spoken about, she was being forgotten even as she was being spoken about, and lurched through

yapan ve sonra da malikneden aynlmayan kyl kadn, Anabelle'in akbetiyle ilgilenmi, arkalarndan seslenmiti: "Onu nereye gtryorsunuz?" Kumpanya sahibi gzlerini kadnn dolgun memelerinden ayrmadan neeyle cevap vermiti. "Dou'ya! ehr-i stanbul'a!" 120 Pera- 1885 Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'nin vine rengi adrnn douya bakan kapsndan ieri birer birer giren erkekler, gzeller gzeli, zehirli porsukaac ormanlarnn yegne perisi, menevili hayat iksiri, la Belle Anabelle'i grmek iin buradayd. Sahneye en son o kard. Ondan nce srada baka gzellikler vard. Al maskeli kadn yapard. Alnnda kvrlan peremi, badem gzleri, ok kirpikleri, hokka burnu, kiraz dudaklar, glcnde am gamzeleri ve yanaklarna yaylan lohusa erbeti pembesiyle hakikaten muhteemdi yzne takt maske. Kadn, hibir ey demeden, hibir ey yapmadan ylece dikilirdi sahnede. Sanki beklemesi sylenmiti de, o da itaat etmi bekliyordu; neyi, niye bilmeden. Derken, hi umulmadk bir anda, yzndeki maskeyi indiriverirdi. Bir hayret nidas ykselirdi seyircilerden. imdi grdkleri yz, tpatp aynyd bir ncekiyle. Uzaklardan bir keman sesi duyulurdu, belli belirsiz. Keman susunca, yz maskesi, maskesi yz olan gzel kadn zarif bir edayla seyircileri selamlard. Onun iaretiyle, ar ar alrd mor saakl kadife perdeler. Sahnede, kankrmz gelincik tarlasnn ortasnda, bir ahlat aacnn dallarna kurulmu ve sarmaklardan rlm salncan zerinde, bahar rzgr usul usul eser, ufukta gne batarken; etrafnda tavanlar kouturur, kelebekler uuurken, kanto yapmaya balard ufak tefek bir kadn. smi Haygano idi; sesiyse incecik. Brekide breklerim Piirir piirir yerim Peynirli de kymal da Hepsi bana bir nasl olsa Deil mi ki yank yreim Kanto bitince, ahlat aac ayaklanr; dallarnda Haygano'un salnca, etrafnda kankrmz gelincikler, peinde tavanlar ve kelebeklerle birlikte bir kenara ekilirdi. Haygano orada mrl mini

their memories like a restless ghost. Sometimes/ suddenly, out of the blue, were wounded. But all wounds heal. In time, a scab forms and covers it. It hides itself. Because no wound wants to be seen. Hoyrat Aruzyak was sitting on the pavement. She was apathetic. She did not raise her head to look at the person talking to her. She hated those who gave her advice even though it was none of their concern, the ones who said how beautiful life was in spite of everything. At least your pupils werent damaged. Because if your pupils are damaged, you can never see the world through the same eyes. You begin to see the bad side of everything. Youll even be able to see dirt thats remained hidden. Others will sense that you dont see what they see, and also that you dont love them any more. This makes them uneasy. They can no longer look at you through the same eyes. For this reason, no one wants to see you near them. In fact the picture is the same picture, what has changed is your eyes. If you can remove yourself from the picture, everything will be as it was before, and everyone will be relieved. In my opinion the best thing to do in cases like this is to leave. To leave and to keep going. Out of stubbornness! Hoyrat Aruzyak looked in amazement at the face of the man who was talking away at her. It was his face rather than his words that held her attention; or, to be precise, his eyes/ his eyes which were like two thin slits, and which seemed as if at any moment they could deny anything he had said as if he believed it with all his heart. His eyes expressed no feeling whatsoever; neither mercy THE GAZE nor bitterness, neither anger nor hope. Because he never sowed .iny seeds, he never sought to reap any benefits. But at the same time he didnt seem false. He wasnt playing a game. Even Hoyrat Aruzyak thought that of all the people shed ever met, shed never seen anyone so far from being false. The eyes of the man standing in front of her were at least as real as

mayrken, gzeller kard sahneye. de birbirinden gzel kz-karde: Lisa, Maria, Rosa. de o kadar gzeldi ki, ne zaman yan yana dursalar, sndrverirlerdi birbirlerinin gzelliini. Gene de kskanlk nedir bilmediklerinden, bir an bile ayrlmazlard birbirlerin121 den. leri de dlan kadar gzeldi. Kol kola kenetlenip, yzlerinde glckler, glcklerinde iekler aarken, hayatn ne denli gzel olduunu anlatan ve boza kvamnda akan arklarn sylerlerdi. Gsterinin uzadka uzayan bu ksmnda, seyircilerin dileri kamar, ortal sknt kaplard. Her ey o kadar przsz, o kadar pakizeydi ki, mrleri boyunca her ileri ters gitmi baz felekzedeler sahneye frlayp kzkardei tartaklamamak iin kendilerini zor tutard. Sonra, Hoyrat Aruzyak frlard sahneye. Frlamaktan ok, fettan bir etek gibi kat kat alrd demeli. Vine rengi adrn tekmil oyuncular iinde en fazla sahne tecrbesine sahip olan oydu. Seyircilerin gzleriyle tantnda parmak kadar ocuktu daha; bklm bklmd salar, sar sar. Bydke iyiden iyiye gzellemi, gzelletike daha da fettanlam, tez zamanda koca ehirde nam salmt. Krd kalplerin zerine basa basa, o kumpanyadan bu kumpanyaya, bir kucaktan bir baka kucaa geerek, ateli buseleri hayatn kkrtl tadnn yannda ktlama yapmt. Il l mcevherleri, pnl pnl elbiseleri, atafat, iltifat severdi. Onun bunun lafna kulak asmadan, nefsinin bir dediini iki etmeden, gani gani km almt bu dnyadan. Ak ehrinin btn gizli geitlerini, kestirmelerini, dehlizlerini avu-cunun ii gibi bilirdi. Ne var ki, bir gn aniden, bu ehrin kaplan suratna kapanvermiti. Hayatn tepetaklak eden olay esnasnda Hoyrat Aruzyak sahnedeydi. Rol gerei, iki silahor kllanm ekip onun iin dvrken, o da bir kenarda gzya dkmeliydi. Aylardr her akam ayn oyunu oynadklan iin roln armasna imkn yoktu. Ama armt ite; sebebi hibir

those rare scenes in a play that make the audience forget they are in a theatre. This is how Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi entered Hoyrat Aruzyaks life. In the following days, he never gave her a moments peace, and talked to her without pause. He also brought her acridsmelling ointments and pastes made of mysterious ingredients. It didnt seem as if these would cover up the wounds, but at least they werent as raw looking as when theyd been left untreated. Then Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi began bringing her the makeup that was used by the actresses in the tent. He covered the wounds with face powder and lively colours. For the first time in ages, Hoyrat Aruzyak had the courage to look at herself in a mirror again. She looked. She looked, and, like anyone who is seized by a desperate hope just at the point when theyve become accustomed to being cowed, she cursed, first herself, then the person who had given her this hope. Nothing had changed. Both of the wounds were there just as ugly as ever. Keramet Mumi Keke Mem Efendi picked the mirror up and passed it to her stubbornly. Your ugliness is beautiful enough to thrill us. Aruzyak, you are as beautiful as the night of the apocalypse. Take the stage! And play us a life that does not end in death. For a moment, Hoyrat Aruzyak was left looking at the inexpressive eyes of the man who was not at all like any man shed ever met. She didnt understand a word he said, but there was a tart taste in her mouth. As soon as she was alone, she unpacked the dresses she hadnt touched for so long and tried them on one by one. And the next day, dragging her many trousseau boxes behind her, she honoured the cherry-coloured tent on top of the hill with her presence as if she were a princess visiting a palace in a neighbouring country. The ELIF SHAFAK first night she appeared on the stage, she was dumbstruck. The eyes of the audience shone like stars on a moonless night. A warmth she thought shed forgotten long ago

zaman anlalamamt. Birdenbire, hem de oyunda byle bir sahne olmad halde, Hoyrat Aruzyak tiz bir hayknla yerinden frlayp, kyasya arpan iki silahorun arasna dalmt. Ayn anda, dman kllar yznde bulumutu. Sadece rol gerei deil, hakikatte de ayn kadna k olduklan iin birbirlerinden nefret eden bu iki erkein kllan, sal sollu boydan boya iki derin yara amt nicedir peinden kotuklar kadnn yanaklarnda. Hoyrat Aruzyak acyla ylmt sahnenin ortasna. Sahne kapanm, seyirciler dalm, ama ac yerinde kalmt. Hoyrat Aruzyak bir daha eline ayna almam, yzne bakmamt. Lzum yoktu; nasl olsa, dost dman bakalannn gzlerinden okuyabiliyordu ne halde olduunu. Defalarca intihara teebbs etmi, fakat eski hayranlannn olur olmadk yerlerde boy gstermelerinden tr her seferinde hayata dndrlmt. Yaamak istemiyor, lme122 yi beceremiyordu. Vaktiyle, yzne glp iten ie kvranan kskan kanlann, imdi yzne acyla bakp iten ie glmelerine katlanamyordu. Merhamet gstermeye kalkan herkesi paylyordu. Bilmedii kelimeler renmiti. Yrei kreldike, dili sivrilmiti. Azna geleni pattadak syledii iin artk kimse onu yannda yresinde istemez olmutu. Zaten bir mddet sonra ortadan kayboldu. Zaman zaman pahal lokantalann yaknnda grld, partal esvaplar iinde tandklarnn kapsn alp te beri dilendii, vaktiyle sahnelerinde d kumpanyalan talamaya kalkt, bir ie iki iin her trl kepazelie boyun edii anlatld kulaktan kulaa. Her vukuat konuuluyordu konuulmasna da, konuulduka grlmez oluyordu adeta; mezarnda rahat edememi bir hayalet gibi skntyla yalpalyordu onu tanyanlann hafzalannda. "Bazen/ byle birdenbire yaralanveririz. Ama her yara iyileir., Eninde sonunda kabuk balar, stn kapatr. Gzlerden saklanr.v nk hibir yara grlmek istemez." Hoyrat Aruzyak kaldrmda oturuyordu. Oral olmad. Ban kaldrp da kendisiyle konuan kiinin kim olduuna bakmad. Hi

spread through her slowly. She hadnt the patience to wait; she drank in the pleasure of winning approval. She was so merry that night! From that day on, she waited her turn with a dignified smile and when the time came, she opened layer by layer just like a seductive skirt. The audience was thrilled. Hoyrat Aruzyak presented a night of the apocalypse on which life was killed and death was resurrected, on which men, women and children, indeed the entire population of the ruined city were massacred while its riches were being plundered, and while a baby lizard scurried about scattering seeds of hope that were as tender as its skin. After Hoyrat Aruzyak, it was the turn of the snake-charmer. Every evening the snake charmer behaved as if hed had to do something somewhere else first, and had come running at the last moment. As soon as he appeared on stage, the audience was invigorated to see the silver amulet on his biceps, the hoop on his ear and the silver belt round his waist. Even the scrawniest and most timid of them dreamt of rushing out into the streets and bellowing savagely. As the men daydreamed, the snakecharmer proceeded to the middle of the stage, frowned distractedly, bowed his head in salute, and lifted the lid of the basket. The snake emerged from the basket, slithered towards the edge of the stage, and stared with its emeraldgreen eyes. As it stared and stared, the audience began to see. In the snakes eyes, the world was reflected in reverse. In the mirror of its eyes, widows were virgins and slaves were masters. The soil was playful; it tickled the souls lying beneath it. As long as hail flowered on tree branches, the cheeks of the birds with raindrops trembling on their feathers became redder with each glass, and copper coins were gems, and sack-cloth was satin. Rays of light that pierced the clouds tenderly embraced the old and the young, the rich and the poor alike. They were everywhere. They left a faint glitter on all they touched; they could use this faint glitter

stne vazife deilken yanna gelip nasihat vermeye kalkanlardan, hayatn her eye ramen ne denli gzel olduundan dem vuranlardan nefret ediyordu. "Yeter ki bu yara gzbebeklerinde kmasn. nk eer gzbe-beklerin yaralanrsa, bir daha asla ayn gzle bakamazsn dnyya. Baktn her eyin kt yann grmeye balarsn. Sakl kalm pislikler bile kamaz gzlerinden. teki insanlar da hissederler artk ayn eyleri grmediini ve artk onlan sevmediini. Rahatsz olurlar. Onlar da bir daha ayn gzle bakamaz sana. Bu yzden kimse seni yaknnda grmek istemez. Resim ayn resimdir aslnda, deien senin gzlerindir. Eer sen karsan resimden, her ey eskisi gibi kalr, herkes rahat eder. ahsen bence en iyisi, gitmektir byle durumlarda. stne stne gitmek. nadna!" Hoyrat Aruzyak aknlkla bakyordu karsnda car car konuan adama. Sylediklerinden ziyade, yz dikkatini ekmiti; daha dorusu gzleri/ ncecik, kesik kesik iki izgi halinde ekilmi gzleri, yrekten inanarak syledii her eyi her an inkr edebilirdi sanki. Baklar adeta her trl duygudan yoksundu; ne merhamet, ne ac, ne fke, ne umut ekiyordu. Herhangi bir ey ekmedii iin, dnp de 123 7 P herhangi bir ey bimeye almyordu. Ama gene de sahte grnmyordu. Oynamyordu. Hatta Hoyrat Aruzyak, mr hayatnda karlat onca insann iinde sahtelikten bu kadar uzak birini grmediini bile dnd. Karsnda duran adamn gzleri, en az, bir tiyatro oyununda, seyircilere tiyatroda olduklarn unutturan o nadir sahnelerden biri kadar gerekti. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi, ite byle girmiti Hoyrat Aruzyak'n hayatna. Takip eden gnlerde, ne kadnn yakasn brakm, ne de bir an olsun ara vermiti vd vd konumaya. Bir yandan da durmadan, kokusu geniz yakan melhemler, terkibi mehul macunlar getiriyordu. Yaralar bunlar kullanmakla kapanacaa benzemiyordu ama ak da kalsalar, renkleri artk eskisi kadar i

to THE GAZE weave golden crowns for their uncombed, unwashed heads. There was beauty even in the name of the most wicked man on earth, ind a piece of heaven even in the most ravaged land. A startled silence echoes at the heart of every tumult. In the heart of all (roubles a timid quietness echoes, at the end of every tunnel theres an unexpected breath of freedom. Life begins as it ends; sometimes falling into the sky; sometimes rising up to the ground, stopping to > atch its breath, warming itself in its own ashes. And when it was warm enough, it moved forward again; trudging on like a complex puzzle that did not like its own answer. As it remained, the people could continue to live. It didnt matter whether the stay was long nr short, because time wasnt the issue. This was a portrait of heaven; not of an afterlife but of the heaven .it the heart of life. At this point in the show, all of the men who had seen the reversed world in the eyes of the snake began sobbing; they wept more than theyd ever wept before, and in a way theyd never wept before. Most of them fell to their knees in remorse. The cool smell of cistern water filled the room. It was as if all evil would end, and .ill would be well. Even if for the briefest moment, all of the men in the tent felt they had the unique chance to be absolved of all their sins, and in order to demonstrate the sincerity of their desire for purification, they threw all of their money onto the stage. Then, the mirror closed just as it had opened. The snake-charmer bowed with a slight smile, deliberately picked up the money that had been thrown onto the stage and put it into his basket, and then, in contrast to his slowness of a moment before, rushed off the stage as if he was fleeing. The snake slithered after its master like a whistled melody. After the snake-handier, Betri Hamm came on with her puppets. She had ten small puppets on her ten fingers. She would represent the natural world through them. She

deildi. Derken Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi adrdaki oyuncularn makyaj malzemelerini kadnn nne ymaya balad. Koyu pudralarla, canl boyalarla rtt yaralan. Ve Hoyrat Aruzyak bunca zamandan sonra ilk defa eline ayna almaya cesaret edebildi. Bakt. Bakt ve tam da ylgnl kanksamken beyhude bir mide kapldn idrak eden her insan gibi, nce kendine, sonra kendisine mit verene lanet okudu. Deien bir ey yoktu. Her iki yara da olanca irkinlikleriyle ylece duruyordu. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi aynay dt yerden ald ve inatla uzatt. "Senin irkinliin tylerimizi diken diken edecek kadar gzel. Sen Aruzyak, bir kyamet gecesi kadar gzelsin. Sahneye k! Ve bize lmle sona ermeyen hayat oyna." Hoyrat Aruzyak, tand erkeklere zerre kadar benzemeyen bu adamn, hislerini elevermeyen gzlerine bakakald bir mddet. Sylediklerinden tek bir kelime bile anlamamt ama mayho bir tad kalmt damanda. Yalnz kalr kalmaz, nicedir elini srmedii eski kyafetlerini sandklarndan karp, teker teker denedi. Ve ertesi gn, komu lkenin sarayna gelin giden bir prenses edasyla, sandk sandk eyizini peisra srkleyerek yokuun tepesindeki vine rengi adra terif etti. Sahneye kt ilk akam, nutku tutuldu. Aysz bir gecede gz krpan yldzlar gibi ldyordu seyircilerin gzleri. Yava yava, oktan unuttuunu sand bir lklk yayld iine. Beklemeye tahamml yoktu; beenilmenin hazzn bir dikite iti. O akam nasl da akrkeyifti! O gn bugndr, vine rengi adrda her akamst marur bir tebessmle srasn bekler ve vakit tamam olduunda, fettan bir etek gibi kat kat aard sahnede. Onu izleyenler tepeden trnaa rperirdi. 124 Kadn erkek, oluk ocuk demeden btn ahalisi katledilmi, btn zenginlikleri yamalanm bir ehrin harabelerinde ptr ptr koturan yavru bir kertenkele nasl derisi kadar krpe mit tohumlar saarsa bast yerlere, yle lrd hayat ve yle dirilirdi lm, Hoyrat Aruzyak'n oynad kyamet gecesinde. Hoyrat Aruzyak'dan sonra sra ylanbaza

would become rain, and rain down blessings; become a rainbow and open a passage for the impossible; become a dew droplet and stroke the cheek of the grass, ELIF SHAFAK become a breeze and thrill the foot of the mountains, become herbs and restore to health; become snow and spread consolation in large flakes; become sun and cause swan-necked flowers to open; become fog and lower silvery curtains of mystery; become climate and have all of its conditions loved, become water and increase life. There was no favour that nature could not bestow on man. After this pleasant show, a deep silence filled the tent. Now it was time for La Belle Annabelle to appear. When it was time for La Belle Annabelle to appear, all of the men were as thrilled as if theyd been tempted by the devil. They were thrilled by the sense that they would now see beauty beyond all of the beauty theyd already seen. If there was something beyond heaven, who would want to linger in heaven? La Belle Annabelle j made death meaningless, unwittingly and unintentionally. At the j point where death was rendered meaningless, life was unravelled \ stitch by stitch. And life loved to be amazed. There was a moment when even the most talkative would fall silent; when even the bravest would shake with fear. A moment when someone posing at a joyful J celebration feels heart pains at just the second the photographer I pressed the button/ As if a burnt photograph was deliberately 1 trying to darken the moment of happiness it witnessed/ A moment I when even the most fainthearted would find courage, when even ' the most eloquent stammered, when even the most insensitive felt the cry of terror within them/ The name of that moment was a word even the most ancient languages under the sun had forgotten i to embrace; unwritten and unspoken. For this reason it didnt exist ' until it approached; and by the time it approached it was too late. Because La Belle Annabelle was on the stage. The moment Keramet Mumi Kegke Memi

gelirdi. Her akam ylanbaz, buraya gelmeden evvel baka bir vazifeyi tamamlamas gerekmi gibi, son dakikada kotura kotura yetiirdi. O sahneye kar kmaz, kolundaki gm pazubendi, kulandaki halkavi kpeyi, belindeki srma kua gren seyircilere kuvvet gelirdi. lerinde en elimsiz, en trsak olanlar dahi sokaklara frlayp klhani naralar savurmay dlerdi. Onlar dlerini kuradursun, ylanbaz sahnenin ortasna varm olur; kalarn yle bir atp, boynunu usulca krarak seyircileri selamlar ve sepetin kapan kaldrrd. Ylan sepetten kar, sahnenin kenarna kadar srne srne gelir ve zmrt yeili gzleriyle bakard. O baknca ve o baktka, seyirciler grmeye balard. Ylann gzleri tersine dnyann aksiydi. Gzlerinin aynasnda dullar bekrd, kullar efendi. Cvl cvld toprak; altnda yatanlarn ruhunu gdklard. Doluya iek am aa dallan, tylerinde yamur damlalar titreen kular, her kadehte perem perem kzaran yanaklar olduka u hayatta, bakr akeler cevher, ullar atlast. Kocam da krpeyi de, zengini de fakiri de, ayn sevecenlikle sarmalard bulutlann arasndan szlen k zerreleri. Her yerdeydiler. Belli belirsiz kvlcmlar brakrlard dedikleri yerlere; belli belirsiz kvlcmlarla altn talar rebilirlerdi ne tarak, ne sabun yz grm balarn zerine. u dnyada en habis insann dahi isminde bir gzellik, en viran beldede bile cennetten bir ke vard. Her arbedenin bannda rkek bir sessizlik yanklanr, her cenderenin sonunda umulmadk bir aklk nefes aldnrdi. Hayat dediin bittike balard; kh ara dp kh yere ykselirken molalarda soluklanr, kendi kllerinde snrd. Ve yeterince sndnda, ortaya atlrd gene; cevabn beenmeyen girift bir bilmece gibi kona ge. Hal byle iken, illa ki hayatta kalmalyd insan. Ksa ya da uzun olmas fark etmezdi ikametinin, nk zaman deildi aslolan. Bu, cennetin tasviriydi; hayattan sonraki deil,

Efendi saw Annabelle he knew hed found what hed been seeking for the eastward-facing section of the cherry-coloured tent. He decided to act at once, and began thinking of how to convince the owner of the troupe. However, he would not have to go to too much trouble. It happened that the peevish little old man, who had come here with THE GAZE ili cams of earning a fortune, had run into debt soon after reaching i he East, and was in need of money. Moreover, Annabelle had been i disappointment to him, because she could not learn even the shortest parts, could not dance properly and was unable to sing. In short, the owner of the French troupe was eager to get rid of Annabelle, who hed once thought would bring him luck. When La Belle Annabelle arrived, she was as silent as mud drying in the sun. She met Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendis offer with a surprising silence, as if whats called living was something to he scattered randomly. The rest was easy. A little money was pressed into the troupe owners hand, and the next day Annabelle took her place in the cherry-coloured tent. In the early days, she wandered iround idly, and didnt make any effort to learn the language. The words spoken around her hit her randomly, and some of them stuck to her. In this way, without even wanting to, she learned how to peak this new language. But she never spoke. To tell the truth, no one really expected her to speak. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi didnt want her to dance or sing either. Me wanted nothing more than for her to be on the stage, to stand on the stage; more accurately, it was enough simply for her to be .< en. She also held a tambourine; but would anyone have noticed whether or not the cymbals jingled or the tassels moved? No one paid attention to anything except La Belle Annabelles face. Her face had forty rooms and forty doors like the mansion in which she was born. Forty different visitors were welcomed through forty separate doors. Each visitor, thinking himself the nly one,

hayatn bannda-ki cennetin. Gsterinin bu safhasnda, ylann gzlerinde tersine dnyann aksini gren btn erkekler, sarsla sarsla alamaya balard; imdiye dein hi alamadklan kadar ve hi alamadklar gibi. Pek ou diz125 lerinin zerine dp nedamet getirirdi. Derin sarn sularnn serin kokulan kaplard adrn iini. Artk btn ktlkler sona erecek, her ey iyi olacakt sanki. Ksa, ksack bir an iin de olsa, adrdaki btn erkekler kabahatlerinden synlmak iin ellerine esiz bir frsat getiini hisseder ve arnmay ne kadar iten istediklerinin ispat olarak zerlerindeki btn paralan sahneye atarlard. Derken, ald gibi kapanrd ayna. Ylanbaz, dudaklannda belli belirsiz bir tebessmle eilir, sahneye frlatlan paralan birer birer sepetine atar ve sonra, az evvelki yavalna inat, adeta kaarcasna ayrlrd sahneden. Y-lansa, slkla alnm bir ezgi gibi sahibinin peinden seyirtirdi. Ylanbazdan sonra Betri Hanm kard, kuklalaryla birlikte. On parmanda on kk kukla vard. Onlarla bir olup tabiatn taklidini yapard. Yamur olup isil isil bereket yadnr; gkkua olup imknsza geit aar; i damlas olup ayr imenin yanan okar; meltem olup dalarn eteklerini rpertir; yaban otlan olup ifa datr; kar olup lapa lapa avutur; gne olup kuu boyunlu iekler at-nr; sis olup perde perde srlanr; iklim olup her halini sevdirir; su olup hayata hayat katard. Tabiatn insana yapmad iyilik yoktu. Bu mest edici gsteri sona erdiinde, derin bir sessizlik kaplard adr. Artk sahne sras la Belle Anabelle'indi. Sahne sras la Belle Anabelle'e geldiinde eytan drtmesi-ne rperirdi btn erkekler. Seyrettikleri bunca gzellikten sonra, daha da tesinin olabileceini hissetmekti bu an bylesine rktc klan. Cennetin de tesi varsa eer, kim cennette sonlanmak isterdi ki? lm anlamszlatnyordu la Belle Anabelle, bilmeden, istemeden. lmn anlamszlat yerde hayatt ilmek ilmek zlen. Ve hayat artmaya baylrd. En

could wander through the magnificent gardens and the i old store-rooms, under the ornamented ceilings, through the i obwebbed attics, and the glittering salons, and the velvet-covered i orridors and among mirrors that reflected each other endlessly, without meeting any of the others. When she was on the stage, each man heard a faint voice whisper m his ear. Open your eyes!And everyone in the audience opened their eyes wide. ELIF SHAFAK La Belle Annabelle s face was a frontier without borders, in the days when the West didnt take its eyes of the East, and still no one could make out where the East ended and the West began. Her face belonged to neither West nor East. For this reason, any man who looked at her felt himself both at home and abroad. There was something very familiar about this face/ as familiar as the sweet smell of childhood. Everyone wanted to rush to embrace her. But when they took their first step, theyd feel they were approaching something strange and unfamiliar. This face both repelled and attracted; it repelled without permitting retreat. The face of La Belle Annabelle was as briskly fluid as the river she had left behind. As it flowed past wildly, its expression and condition altered from moment to moment. But whatever happened, she continued to be the most beautiful jinn of the poisonous yew forest. All the men gathered in that tent wished that the ever-moving jinn face would regain her breath for a moment; put her head on their shoulders. It was a dream; everybody saw the love they had been longing for secretly on the face of the most beautiful La Belle Annabelle. Everybody suddenly became a master artist in order to paint her likeness. As their daydreams darted back and forth, each man trembled with the desire to have the honour of being La Belle Annabelle s only love, even if just for the briefest moment. Then the moment ended, and La Belle Annabelle bowed and left the stage. The audience applauded her absence until their palms were red. But despite their insistence,

geveze olann bile nutkunun tutulduu bir an vard; en cesurun dizlerini korkudan titreten. Fotorafnn dmeye basmasyla birlikte, cokulu bir kutlamann ortasnda neeyle poz verenlerin yreklerinin skverdii bir an/ sanki yanm bir fotoraf, tankln yapt mutluluu karartan. En psrn bile cesarete geldii, en dilbazn bile kekeledii, en vurdumduymazn bile iindeki dehetin feryadn duyduu bir an/ te o ann ismi, gkkubbenin altndaki kadim dillerin bile kucaklamay unuttuu bir kelimeydi; yazlmam sylenmemiti. Yanna yaklancaya kadar yoktu bu sebepten; yaklaldndaysa artk ok geti. nk la Belle Anabelle sahnedeydi. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi, Anabelle'i grr grmez 126 vine rengi adrn douya bakan ksm iin aradn bulduunu anlamt. Derhal harekete geip, tiyatro kumpanyasnn sahibini nasl ikna edebileceini dnmeye balamt. Oysa fazla uramasna gerek kalmayacakt. Ne de olsa bu ufak tefek, kakavan adam, bir servet kazanmay mit ettii Dou'ya adm attktan ksa bir sre sonra grtlana kadar borca batt iin, paraya muhtat. stelik Anabelle onu hayal krklna uratmt. Zira en ufak rolleri bile ezberleyemedii gibi, ne doru drst dans edebilmi, ne de ark sylemesini becerebilmiti. Ksacas Fransa'dan gelen kumpanyann sahibi, vaktiyle kendisine uur getireceine inand Anabelle'den kurtulmaya oktan hazrd. La Belle Anabelle'e gelince, o, gnete kuruyan amur kadar suskundu. Her halkrda yaamak denilen ey oradan oraya savrulmaktan ibaretmi gibi artc bir sknetle karlamt Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi'nin teklifini. Gerisi kolayd. Kumpanya sahibinin eline biraz para sktrlm ve ertesi gn Anabelle vine rengi adrda yerini almt. lk gnler btn gn aylak aylak dolam, konuulan dili renmek iin hi aba sarfetmemiti. Etrafnda konuulan kelimeler geliigzel gelip arpyor, bazlan da zerine

La Belle Annabelle did not return to the stage. Every night the show ended in the same way. Each night when the eastward-facing door was thrown open, all of the men who had entered separately now rushed out together, pushing and shoving. They went back down the hill so dazzled by the beauty theyd been able to witness that they didnt know where they were or what they were doing. At the fountain halfway down the hill they washed their faces with ice-cold water. The water didnt help a bit. When THE GAZE 11 ley reached home, their faces darkened involuntarily because the women who would spend the night in their arms were not La Belle Annabelle. Some of them felt remorse for thinking this. They tried 10 behave more tenderly than ever to their wives. Then they wanted to go to sleep at once. Anyway, as Keramet Mumi Keke Memi 1 fendi often said: whenever men want to be free of borrowed dreams, they take refuge in the regularity of sleep. As they slept, their wives walked anxiously through the house. I he image of the Sable-Girl did not leave their eyes. Those who were pregnant didnt dare sleep. They were afraid of seeing that they'd given birth to sablechildren in their dreams, and of not bring able to find the right interpretation of their dreams when they woke. Then, the night closed over them. The night was as hungry for i onsolation as a broken promise; needed renewal as much as a snake ttying to shed its skin. Night was the only time in this world of spectacle that no one could see. Istanbul-1999 golge (shadow): Once upon a time, an elderly ship-builder lived in a fishing village where the houses were white and the women wore black. Everyone recognised the elderly ship-builder who had no shadow, but no one knew him. Many years ago, when he was still very young, he used to dive into the sea all the time, and in order to see what lay beneath the depths, he dove even deeper. One day he

yapp kalyordu. Byle byle, istemeye istemeye renmi oldu bu yeni dili konumay. Ama hi konumad. Konumasn bekleyen de yoktu akas. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi ondan ne ark sylemesini istiyordu, ne dans etmesini. Sadece ve sadece sahnede bulunmas, sahnede durmas; daha dorusu, sadece grlmesi yeterliydi. Bir de tef vard elinde; ama kimse bilmezdi bu tefin pullan hi ngrdar m, psklleri hi oynar m? Kimse la Belle Anabelle'in yznden baka bir eye dikkat etmezdi. Onun yz, doduu malikne gibi krk kapl, krk odalyd. Krk farkl ziyareti krk ayn kapdan ieri buyur edilirdi. Her ziyareti, bu muhteem yapnn ba misafiri olduunu zannederek, dierleriyle karlamadan dolard grkemli baheleri, souk mahzenleri, tavanlar oymal odalan, rmcek balam at katlann, l l salonlar, kadife kapl koridorlan ve birbirini oaltan aynalar. O sahnedeyken, her erkek yanbanda ipeksi bir sesin fsltsn duyard: "A gzn!" Ve btn seyirciler daha, daha ok aard gzn. Dou'nun Bat'y gznn nnden ayrmad, Bat'nn Dou' yu ihtiamnn aynas kld, gene de kimsenin Dou'nun nerede bitip Bat'nn nerede baladn kestiremedii o gnlerde, la Belle Ana127 belle'in yz hudutsuz bir hudut boyuydu. Onun yz ne Bat'ya aitti, ne Dou'ya. te bu sebepten, ona bakan her erkek ayn anda kendini hem evinde hissederdi, hem gurbette. ylesine tandk bir eyler vard ki bu yzde/ ocukluun ekerli kokular kadar tandk. Koup sa-rlas gelirdi insann. Ama daha ilk admda, yaklatn hissettirirdi yabanslk. ektiini itiyordu bu yz; ittiinin fazla uzaklamasna msaade etmeden. La Belle Anabelle'in yz, geride brakt nehrin sular gibi kpr kpr, akkand. Deli dolu aktka, ifadeden ifadeye brnyor, halden hale geiyor ama ne olursa olsun, zehirli porsuka-ac ormanlarnn yegne perisi kadar gzel olmaya devam ediyordu. Vine rengi adrda toplaan btn erkekler isterdi ki mtemadiyen hareket eden bu periehre, bir an iin durup

dove so deep he knew he'd never reach the surface again.Then the sea granted him a chance out of pity for his youth. He could trade his shadow for his life. From that day to this, the elderly shipbuilder has lived without a shadow. He never told anyone his secret. Anyway no one had a shadow in the fishing village where the houses were white and the women wore black, and everyone had been swallowed by the sea. But because no one noticed the absence of shadows, no one was aware of the situation. Everyone kept their secret to themselves, even though everyone had the same secret and therefore it was not a secret. Take these away from me! I said to B-C. In front of me there were three slices of borek, three cheese and three ground meat. They looked good. On top of that they must have just come out of the oven. Every day of the week, without fail, the neighbour-ladies in the Hayalifener Apartments all went to visit one or another of their number in turn. Every day without fail, cakes and pastries were being baked in one of the apartments, THE GAZE .ind a wonderful smell filled the building.We regularly got our share '( these delicacies.These neighbour-ladies not only put something iside for us on the regular days when they baked for guests, but also .'lien they baked on holidays and special occasions. According to ll-C, it had been this way since he moved into the building. The 111 st to see him the day he moved in was the irritable woman from next door. She examined B-C from head to toe, and, on learning li< was a bachelor, asked how he was going to look after himself. Within half an hour, all of the neighbour-ladies in the building had > ime bearing welcome gifts of food. From that day on, the women were constantly bringing him food or sending their children to In ing it to him. B-C laughed and said, I suppose they think that if I eat more Ill grow bigger. According to him, during one period only, the week I moved in with him,

soluklansa; ban omuzlarna koysa. Hayal bu ya, herkes gizliden gizliye zlemini ektii akn suretini grrd la Belle Anabelle'in gzeller gzeli yznde. Herkes cevval bir sanatkr kesilirdi onu nakedebilmek iin. Vzr vzr gelip giderken hayaller, her erkek, bir an iin de olsa, la Belle Anabelle'in biricik ak olabilmenin kvancyla titrerdi. Derken an sona erer, la Belle Anabelle selamn verip sahneden inerdi. Seyirciler avular kzanncaya kadar alklarlard onun yokluunu. Ama btn srarlara ramen, la Belle Anabelle sahneye dnmezdi. Her akam hep ayn ekilde noktalanrd gsteri. Her akam vine rengi adrn douya bakan kaps ardna kadar aldnda, erkekler, teker teker girdikleri bu kapdan, itie kaka cmbr cemaat dar karlard. Daha az evvel her hareketini ftursuzca seyredebildikleri gzelliin, imdi nerede ne yaptn bilememenin ezikliiyle gerisin geri inerlerdi yokuu. Yokuun ortasndaki emede buz gibi suyla yzlerini ykarlard. Su, zerre kadar hafifletmezdi skntlarn. Eve vardklarnda gayri ihtiyari kararrd baklar. Ne de olsa, koynunda sabahlayacaklar kadn, la Belle Anabelle deildi. lerinden bazlarnn vicdann szlatrd byle dnmek. Karlarna her zamankinden sevecen davranmaya alrlard. Baaramazlard. Bir an evvel uyumak isterlerdi o zaman. Zaten Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi sk sk sylerdi: erkek ksm, ne zaman ireti hayallerden kurtulmak istese, uykunun nizamna snrd. Onlar uyurken kanlan skntyla dolard evin iinde. Samur-kzn korkun sureti bir trl gitmezdi gzlerinin nnden. lerinde hamile olanlar uyumaya cesaret edemezdi. Ryalarnda samur ocuk128 lar dourduklann grmekten korkarlard ve sabah uyandklarnda grdklerini hayra yoramamaktan. Derken, gece zerlerine kapanrd. Gece, inenmi bir yemin gibi teselliye a; zerindeki l deriden kurtulmaya alan bir ylan kadar

did the food sent to him by the neighbour-ladies liminish. But later, after seeing me coming and going to work and 1.1helling me a working woman, and after noticing that I didnt i (ink at home on weekends, and also perhaps thinking that because I was so fat I must have a large appetite, they started to send even more food than they had before. On top of that, the portions were II n ee times larger. Todays potato borek had been sent to us by our downstairs neighbour. I thought she was the best cook of all the ladies in the I i.iyalifener Apartments. But this time I didnt even taste her borek. I was on a diet. golge oyunu (shadow play): In many cultures, the existing shadow plays are divided into two parts called 'the shadow's plays' and 'the play's shadows'. Which part is to be seen depends upon the spectator. In Java, those who go to see the wayang kulit shadow plays at the king's palace divide themselves into two groups. Men would sit facing the east and women would sit facing the west. The border between them was called Pringgitan, and this was where the curtain was drawn. Because everyone in Java knew that the sun rose in the east, both the ELIF SHAFAK puppets and the dalang who manipulated the puppets took their places in the men's section. This way, while the men saw the puppets and the puppet-masters themselves, the women saw their shadows. Glaucon didn't know this. He was listening carefully to the philosopher sitting across from him. 'Imagine that a number of creatures are crossing a road, and a light is shining from behind them that projects their shadows onto the wall of the cave,' said the philosopher, and then continued. 'Well, my dear Glaucon, the world we see with our eyes is the wall of that cave, and it's a wise man who can look at the light behind and see with reason rather than with the senses.' This is why women, who cannot see anything except the shadows, will

yenilie muhtat. Gece, bu seyirlik dnyada kimsenin kimseyi grmedii tek zamand. 129 STANBUL-1999 glge: Bir zamanlar, yal bir tekne ustas yaarm, evlerin beyaz, kadn-lannsa siyah giyindii bir balk kynde. Herkes onu tanrm ama kimse bilmezmi ki, yal tekne ustasnn glgesi yokmu. Uzun yllar evvel, daha gencecikken, durmadan denize dalar, derinliin altnda neler yattn grebilmek iin derine, daha da derine dalarm. Bir gn o kadar derine inmi ki bir daha asla su yzne kamayacan anlam. te o zaman genliine acyan deniz ona bir frsat vermi. Glgesi karlnda cann balam. Yal tekne ustas o gn bugndr glgesiz yaarm. Srrn kimseye anlatmazm. Oysa, evlerin beyaz, kadnlannsa siyah giyindii o balk kynde, denizde vurgun yiyip de hayatta kalabilen kimsenin glgesi yokmu. Ama glgelerin yokluu dikkat ekmedii iin kimse durumun farknda deilmi. Herkes kendi srrn kendine saklayadursun, aslnda sr hepsine aitmi ve bu yzden de sr deilmi. "ek unlan gzmn nnden!" dedim Be-Ce'ye. Gzmn nnde patatesli, kymal alt dilim brek duruyordu. Gzel grnyorlard. stelik, frndan yeni km olmalydlar. Hayalifener Apartmanndaki komu kadnlar haftann her gn hi aksatmadan srayla ilerinden birinin evine misafirlie gidiyorlard. Yani her gn muhakkak bir evde tepsi tepsi pasta, brek, kek piiyor; apartman mis gibi kokular saryordu. Bu leziz yiyeceklerden sk sk biz de nasipleniyorduk. stelik komu kadnlar sadece kendi gnlerinde misafirlerine piirdikleri yiyeceklerden deil, arada zel gnlerde yahut dini bayramlarda piirdikleri tatllardan da bize muhakkak bir tabak ayryorlard. Be-Ce'nin dediine gre, apartmana tand gnden beri bu byleydi. Tand gn onu ilk gren yan dairedeki asabi kadn olmutu. Kadn Be-Ce'yi tepeden trnaa dikkatle incelemi ve onun bekr olduunu renince, kendisine nasl bakacan sormutu. Aradan yarm saat gemeden, o ve apartmandaki btn komu kadnlar ellerinde

always think dreams are reality.' 'I understand,'said Glaucon.'lndeed this is why women can't become philosophers.' 'Of course,' said the philosopher/indeed that's why philosophers can't become women.' Is there a new dream? asked B-C as he took the borek away from me. He always wants me to relate my dreams. And I do relate them; sometimes as they were, and sometimes with changes. I didnt open my eyes right away when I woke. I stayed a while halfway between sleep and waking, and tried to fix my freshest dream in my memory. I season what Ive seen with herbs, sauces and spices; I fill in the gaps with my strong imagination, and plaster the cracks with lies. Of course, since Id started my diet, the dream meals I described to B-C were obliged not only to address the eyes but also the stomach. Perhaps like most people who are trying to loose weight, I wanted to see those closest to me get fatter. Though BC was one of those annoying people who stay the same no matter how much they eat. Neither my efforts nor those of the neighbour-ladies caused him to gain even a fraction of a kilo. In order for my dreams to be wellfried, I didnt get out of bed even though Id woken up, and on the weekends I went back to THE GAZE ll i'p. Then I would wake up forgetful, or thought I hadnt dreamed it ill. Then I would search for ready dreams; dreams that had been Interpreted in books, or that Id heard spoken of here and there. 1 hie can find them if one looks. I would change the labels, and present other peoples dreams as if they were a meal I had prepared ms self. Bravo! B-C would exclaim with a teasing smile. I would look anxiously at my hands. My chewed, shredded cuticles were s miming in the salt water of pain. I le loved films as much as he loved dreams, films and dreams provided material for the Dictionary of Gazes. 1 >t perhaps I ought to put it this way: He loved dreams and films lu-i ause they provided material

yiyeceklerle "hogeldin!"e gelmilerdi. O gn bugndr de, bizzat getirdikleri ya da ocuklaryla gnderdikleri yiyeceklerin ard arkas kesilmemiti. Be-Ce, "herhalde daha ok yer-sem byyeceimi zannediyorlar," diyordu glmseyerek. Dediine gre sadece bir ara, benim yanna tandm hafta, komu kadnlarn gnderdii yiyecekler epeyce azalmt. Sanyorum o zaman artk Be-Ce'nin bekrlktan kurtulduuna karar vermilerdi. Ama sonra, hem beni ie gidip gelirken grdkleri ve "alan kadn" 130 olduuma kanaat getirdikleri, hem evde hafta sonlan bile yemek pimediini fark ettikleri, hem de belki imanlmdan tr kolay kolay doymayacam dndkleri iin, eskisinden ok daha sk yiyecek gndermeye balamlard. stelik artk porsiyonlan da katna karmlard. Bugnk patatesli brekleri altmzdaki dairede oturan kadn gndermiti. Hayalifener Apartmanndaki btn komu kadnlann iinde, atcl en iyi olan oydu bence. Ama bu sefer azm srmeyecektim breklerine. Rejimdeydim. glge oyunu: Pek ok kltrde mevcut olan glge oyunu, "glgenin oyunlar" ve "oyunun glgeleri" olmak zere iki kma ayrlr. Hangi ksmn grlecei, gren gze baldr. Cava'da, wayang kulit glge oyununu izlemek zere kraln sarayna gelenler de ikiye ayrlrd. Erkekler douya, kadnlarsa batya nazr tarafta oturtulurdu. Aradaki snrn ismi Pringgitan idi ve perde buraya ekilirdi. Gnein doudan doduunun herkese malm olduu Cava'da, hem kuklalar, hem de kuklalar oynatan dalang, erkekler ksmnda yer alrd. Bylece erkek gz kuklalarn ve hayalbazn kendisini grrken, kadn gz bunlarn glgelerini grrd. Glaukon bunlar bilmiyordu. O prdikkat karsndaki filozofu dinliyordu. "Dn ki srtlarnn arkasndaki kl yoldan bir sr nesneler geiyor, k bu nesneleri maarann duvanna yanstyor," dedi filozof ve devam etti. "te sevgili Glaukon, gzmzle

for the Dictionary of Gazes. (idzbasi (legerdemain):To trick the eye by showing, with the aid of speed, something that isn't there as if it actually is there is called legerdemain. If the same action is performed more slowly, the audience's eyes will be opened, and they will see the trick. The magic will be broken and the mystery will be solved. Ageing causes one to slow down. When ageing conjurers perform their last tricks, they make their own selves disappear. H-C often used to fall asleep in front of the television. Hed start uoring in the middle of a film hed wanted very much to see; from nine to time, without opening his eyes, he would ask questions ibout the film, and then would wake suddenly from the deepest sleep, wearing a hurt expression as if hed been forcibly thrown t >ut of the house, and continue watching the film as if nothing had happened or could have happened during his absence. Perhaps he .ilso thought he was the only one watching the film. As soon as he dosed his eyes, he would take all of the actors aside and give them .1 cigarette break. When he opened his eyes the film would resume .it the point where it had stopped. When B-C was asleep in front of the television, I would take the opportunity to watch him. I would watch the hands that were ELIF SHAFAK too big to belong to a dwarf, the toes that all looked as if they belonged to different feet, the tight black curls of his chest hair, his puffy nipples, at the red tongue in his open mouth, and the boldness of this red, the freckles on his face and how very tiny they were. Whenever he fell asleep, and I took off the glasses that were sliding off the end of his nose, I would always try them on before I put them aside. What did his little eyes see through this glass? He knew so many amazing things, so much about peoples stories, how did he see it all? Whatever I looked at through them, the lenses of these glasses didnt solve the mystery. Whenever I put on B-Cs glasses, I went to the mirror to look at

grdmz bu dnya o maarann duvardr, arkasndaki a bakabilen insan da duyu gzn us gzne eviren bilgedir. "Bu sebepten, gzleri glgelerden gayrisini gremedii iin kadnlar, hayali hakikat zannetmekten kurtulamayacaklar." "Anlyorum," dedi Glaukon. "Zaten bu yzden kadnlar filozof olamazlar." "Elbette," dedi filozof. "Zaten bu yzden filozoflar kadn olamazlar." "Yeni rya var m?" diye sordu BeCe brekleri gzmn nnden kaldnrken. Devaml ryalarm anlatmam istiyordu benden. Anlatyordum ben de; kh olduu gibi, kh deitirerek. Sabahlar uyannca gzlerimi amyordum hemen. Bir mddet, uyku ile uyanklk arasnda bekleyip, en taze ryam mandallyordum hafzama. Otlarla, soslarla, baharatlarla tatlandnyordum grdklerimi; boluklan hayal gcmle dolduruyor, atlaklar yalanlarla svyordum. Bilhassa rejim yapmaya 131 baladmdan beri her eyi yemekle balantl grdm iin, hem gze, hem mideye hitap eden mkellef rya sofralar donatyordum Be-Ce'ye. Galiba zayflamaya alan pek ok insan gibi ben de, en yaknmdakilerin imanladn grmek istiyordum iten ie. Oysa Be-Ce, hani u ne kadar yerlerse yesinler olduklar gibi kalmaya devam eden sinir bozucu insanlardan biriydi. Ne komu kadnlarn, ne de benim abalarm ona bir gdm kilo aldrabilirdi. Ryalarm nar gibi kzarsn diye, uyandm halde yataktan kalkmyor, gerisin geri uykuya yatyordum hafta sonlar. Gene de unutkanla uyandm oluyordu, ya da hi rya grmediimi sandm. Hazr ryalar aryordum o zaman; kitaplarda tabiri yaplan, orda burda konuulan ryalar. Araynca buluyordu insan. zerlerindeki etiketleri kartp, sanki ben hazrlamm gibi yemek masasna yerletiriyordum bakalarnn grd ryalar. "Ellerine salk!" diyordu Be-Ce muzip bir glmsemeyle. Ellerime bakyordum kaygyla. Etleri yolunmu, eytan trnaklar yenmi parmaklarm tuzlu sularda yzyordu, szm szm. Filmleri de seviyordu, ryalar sevdii kadar. Filmleri de,

myself. There would be nothing different about me; my face was always the same face, my body the same body. I was carrying the illness I knew myself to be carrying; my obesity was like an amulet that had mistakenly been sewn to my skin when my form was being put together. Though in the past, quite a long time ago that is, there was a period, a phase of my childhood, when I wasnt at all fat. But this wasnt important right now. It didnt help my present obesity one bit whether or not I remembered that Id once been a thin child. The past is gone forever. But B-C didnt think this way. gozbebesi (pupil): Round in humans and generally an upright ellipse in animals, it changes size according to the amount of light that reaches the iris. Darkness and distance dilate the pupils; light and nearness make them contract.That is, this indecisive circle gets smaller if there is light and larger if there is no light. Because it gets smaller when it looks at something close, that which is close is light, and is in the light.That which is far is in darkness. Anyway, no one wants to see darkness up close. Being in love makes the pupils dilate; this means that the beloved is always far away.The pupils dilate in order to ease the pain caused by this distance. THE GAZE ' I lie past, the present, the future/ we line them all up and draw i straight line. Thats why we believe that the past is gone and the future hasnt arrived yet. And worst of all, were obliged to walk through time along this straight line weve already drawn. But perhaps hes so drunk he cant see as far as the end of his nose, said It-C, waving the scissors he was holding at the television. Hed started again. He loved to talk about time. This was his i ivourite subject. While I just wanted to watch television calmly 11 id quietly. I was watching a film with a large bowl of popcorn on my lap; it was one of those haunted house films. B-C, on the floor, the carpet, was lost in a mass of daily newspapers and weekly

ryalar da Nazar Szl'ne malzeme yapyordu. Yoksa yle mi demeliyim: filmleri de, ryalar da Nazar Szl'ne malzeme kardklar iin seviyordu. gzba: Hzn yardmyla gerekte var olmayan bir eyin aslnda varm gibi gsterilerek, gzn aldatlmasna gzba denir. Gzbac hzn azck drmeyegrsn, seyircinin gz alr, hileyi grr. By bozulur, sr zlr. Yallk yavalktr. Yalanan gzbaclar, son numaralarn yapp kendi kendilerini kaybederler. Be-Ce televizyonun karsnda uykuya dalard sk sk. Keyifle izlemeye koyulduu bir filmin ortasnda horlamaya balar; arada, gzlerini amadan filme dair sorular sorar ve derken, tam derin uykudayken, ryasndan sille tokat kap dar edilmi gibi ask bir suratla uyanp, sanki hi ara vermemi, yokluunda hibir ey deimemi, deiemezmi gibi devam ederdi izlemeye. Belki de filmlerin tek seyircisi olduunu sanyordu. O gzlerini kapatr kapatmaz, parmaklarnn ularnda yryerek kenara ekiliyordu btn oyuncular; sigara molas veriliyordu. O gzlerini atnda, film, kald yerden devam ediyordu. Be-Ce televizyon karsnda uyurken, ben de frsattan istifade onu seyrederdim. Cssesine gre fazlasyla byk olan ellerini, sanki 132 her biri baka bir ayaa aitmi gibi yan yana alabildiine uyumsuz duran ayak parmaklarn, gsnde kvrlan sert, siyah kllar, ptr ptr meme ularn, ak kalan azndan ban karan dilinin krmzsn ve krmznn cretini, yzndeki benleri, nasl bylesine kk, kck olabildiini seyrederdim. Ne zaman uyuyakalsa, burnunun ucuna kayan gzlklerini kartr ve bir kenara kaldrmadan nce kendim denerdim muhakkak. Acaba incecik gzleri ne gryordu bu camlardan baktnda? Neyi nasl gryordu ki, insanlarn hikyeleri hakknda bu kadar ok ey bilebiliyor, bu kadar alas olabiliyordu? Neresinden bakarsam bakaym sr vermezdi gzlk camlar. Ne zaman Be-Ce'nin

magazines; he was drinking wine and cutting out pictures, articles .md advertisements. He was gathering material for the Dictionary of Gazes. If only time never came to its senses. If somehow it wouldnt ucceed in walking a straight line. If it would only lurch, behave nonsensically, fall to pieces. And we would watch, and, condemning 11 s actions, would never have to refer to it again. Whenever he started talking excitedly like this, he would wave Ins hands about wildly. As if every word he uttered was lacking omething, and he would try to express what was missing with his hands that were too big for a dwarf. Yes, if only time wouldnt come to its senses. If it would make lots of mistakes/ if it couldnt succeed at any plan it had made beforehand/ if it always realised its mistakes afterwards/ when it was too late. If it couldnt match its own speed. If it gave up and went backwards, in completely the opposite direction. First spending the future penny by penny. And then find its consolation in novelty. I hen it would be the pasts turn. For the old that somehow couldnt he made old. If it would vomit its selfishness, all of its knowledge. If the pasts order was turned upside down. If there was no order left at all/ This was one of those moments when he didnt stop talking. I think he didnt really know what he was talking about, and just ELIF SHAFAK wanted to hear the sound of his own voice. In trying to make time I drunk, hed become drunk himself. So what if it comes to its senses? I said, throwing a handful of I popcorn into my mouth. The film wasnt that important. BCs enthusiasm was a match I for my passion. I was prepared to ask any question at all just in j order to see his enthusiasm. In fact perhaps I dont listen to what he ] says, but rather watch how he tells it. I loved the way that, when he J spoke, he was as excited as if he was solving the terrifying mystery I of a cursed tombstone. If it comes to its senses it will

gzlklerini taksam, aynann karsna geip kendime bakardm. Bende bir deiiklik olmazd; yzm hep ayn yzd, gvdem hep ayn gvde. Kendimi bildim bileli zerimde tayordum bu illeti; kundama ilitirilecekken, yanllkla etime dikilmi bir muska gibiydi imanlm. Sanki ondan kurtulmaya altka arplm ve bu yzden daha beter imanlamtm. Oysa gemite, yani ok ok nce, hi de iman olmadm bir dnem vard, ocuklukta bir safha. Ama u anda bunun nemi yoktu. Zayf bir ocuk olduum zamanlan hatrlayp hatrlamamamn imdiki imanlma bir gdm faydas dokunmuyordu. Gemi, geip gitmiti. Ama Be-Ce byle dnmyordu. gzbebei: insanlarda yuvarlak, hayvanlarn ounda ise dikine elips biiminde olan gzbebeinin ap, irise gelen n miktarna gre deiir. Karanlk ve uzaklk bytr gzbebeini; aydnlk ve yaknlk kltr. Yani bu kararsz ember, k varsa klr, k yoksa byr. Yakna bakarken de kldne gre, yakn olan aydnlktr, aydnlktadr. Uzan payna karanlk der. Zaten karanl kimse yaknnda grmek istemez. k olunca da byr gzbebei; demek ki k olunan hep uzaktadr. Aradaki mesafenin verdii acy azaltmak iin, mauka "gzbebe-im!" diye hitap edilir. "Gemi, bugn ve gelecek/ hepsini pepee dizip, dmdz bir izgi iziyoruz. Bu yzden gemiin geip gittiine, gelecein henz gelmediine inanyoruz. Ve en kts, zaman nceden izdiimiz bu dmdz izgide yrmeye mecbur tutuyoruz. Ama belki de o burnunun ucunu gremeyecek kadar sarhotur," dedi Be-Ce elindeki makas televizyona doru sallayarak. Gene balamt. Zaman zerine konumaya baylyordu. Bu, onun en sevdii konuydu. Oysa ben sakin ve sessiz oturup, televizyon 133 seyretmek istiyordum. Kucamda koca bir kap dolusu patlam msrla film izliyordum; hani u hayaletli ev filmlerinden birini. Be-Ce yerde, halnn zerinde, gnlk gazetelerden, haftalk dergilerden oluan bir ynn iinde kaybolmu; bir yandan arap iiyor, bir yandan da resimler, yazlar,

remember. What use will it be ] to remember? None. Remembering wont be of any damned use I except to cause pain. I shut up. At moments like this I dont know what Im supposed J to do, and I couldnt bring him back from wherever hed gone. Say whatever you have to say now or hold your peace forever, a voice I deep within me would say. I would speak up right away in order * not to miss the now. I would speak up, but still be unsure of what to say. I knew there was definitely something I had to say, but I j couldnt find what it was. Because I had remained quiet now, B-C would hold me to the part about holding my peace forever. Hed been talking nonstop. My fingers were blistered by his flaming lips. At times like this it went so far that it defied understanding; his thin little eyes turned into mysteries, and he never showed what he was feeling. When you remember, you become frightened of solitude. Those people who remain in stagnant relationships from fear of loneliness, who give birth to children in order to refresh stale love, those are the people with the strongest memories He was sitting in his rocking chair again, holding his purple-fringed blanket tightly, rocking back and forth and talking at the top of his voice. It seemed as if hed already forgotten how the irritable nextdoor neighbour had come to complain about the noise we made and had threatened to make a complaint to our landlord. As THE GAZE non as the women entered her house and carefully examined how messy it was, she couldnt keep herself from making a comment 10 me. I didnt want to have to see her again tonight. But B-C is having a talking fit again. And at times like this he somehow ouldnt moderate his voice. And anyone who heard his voice would have thought it came from an enormous man. He jumped town, came to my side, and took hold of my wrist. The past doesnt pass and go away. It doesnt go anywhere. I lie past always flows into today. Thats why

ilanlar kesiyordu. Nazar Szl'ne malzeme topluyordu. "Keke zaman hi aylmasa. Dz izgide dmdz yrmeyi bir trl baaramasa. Keke hep yalpalasa, samalasa, paralasa. Biz de bakp bakp, yaptklarn knasak ve bir daha hibir eyimizi ona havale etmeye kalkmasak." Ne zaman byle hararetle konumaya kaptrsa kendini, lgnca hareket etmeye balard elleri. Sanki syledii her kelimede aksayan bir eyler vard da, cssesine gre fazla byk olan elleriyle tamamlamaya alyordu eksik kalan ifadeyi. "Evet, keke aylamasa zaman. Bol bol yanl yapsa/ nceden yapt hibir plana uymay beceremese/ Yanllarnn hep sonradan farkna varsa/ i iten getikten sonra. Kendine geldiinde gene ge kaldn anlasa. Yetiemese kendi hzna. Yetimekten vazgeip gerisin geri dnse, tam ters istikamete. nce geleceini harcasa kuru kuru. Sonra, teselli arasa yeniliklerde. Derken gemie gelse sra. Bir trl eskitemediimiz eskiye. Kussa btn benliini, btn bildiklerini. Gemiin sras altst olsa/ sra mira kalmasa/ " ite gene o mtemadiyen konutuu anlardan biriydi. Sylediklerinden pek bir ey anlamyor, onu byle durmakszn konumaya kkrtann kendi sesinden bakas olmadn dnyordum. Zaman sarho etmekten dem vura vura sarho olan kendisiydi. "Aylrsa ne olur ki? " dedim bir avu dolusu patlam msn azma tkarken. Film o kadar da nemli deildi. Ne de olsa, BeCe'nin cokusu benim tutkumun akranyd. Srf onun cokusunu grebilmek iin her soruyu sormaya hazrdm. Aslnda galiba onun anlattklarn dinlemiyor, anlatn seyrediyordum. Konuurken, lanetli bir mezartanda dehetengiz bir srr zyormuasna hece hece heyecanlanmasn seviyordum. "Aylrsa hatrlar. Hatrlamak neye yarar peki? Hibir eye. Hatrlamak acdan baka bi boka yaramaz." Sustum. Byle anlarda ne yapmam gerektiini kestiremiyor, onu gittii yerden geri getiremiyordum. "Syleyecek laf olan ya imdi konusun, ya ebediyen sussun,"

being able to forget 1 ' i getting is important, he said. To forget is to clean the eyes. It definitely has to be done every pring. If we dont forget we cant live! If we dont forget we cant iuse anything to live! 'I prefer to make my eyes an archive, I said shrugging my .boulders. He let go of my wrist and pulled back. Was there a mocking smile on his lips, or did it just seem so to me? Is it you whos saying this? Why wouldnt I say this? What was wrong with my saying this? Instead of answering me, he went back to his rocking chair and |iieezed his purple-fringed blanket. This sudden silence distressed nr. When Im distressed I become hungry. I thought about getting up to pop more corn. Id forgotten I was 011 a diet! gozcu (watchman): One of the greedy jewellers in the Grand Bazaar had a door built into the back of his shop, believing it would lead to eternal life. He intended to slip away through this secret exit when the Angel of Death came for him. For this reason, he needed a watchman to sit in front of his shop to let him know when the Angel of Death appeared at the edge of the market. But no matter how much he offered to pay, no one wanted the job. The Angel of Death became bored. He took the form of a poor miller and planted himself in front of the jeweller. In exchange for bags and bags of gold, he accepted the job of sitting in front of the shop to inform ELIF SHAFAK the jeweller as soon as he saw the Angel of Death.This game went on for some time.The Angel of Death wanted both to take the jeweller's life and to keep his word as a watchman. He'd got himself into a bind. Finally one day, he thought of a trick that would solve the problem. He placed a full-length mirror on the back door, facing the front door.Then he stood at the front door and told the jeweller that the Angel of Death was coming. The jeweller, with an agility that wouldn't be expected of someone his age, seized the handle of the back

diyordu davudi bir ses. Ben, "im134 di"yi karmamak iin atlyordum. Atlp yutkunuyordum. Muhakkak sylemem gereken bir eyler vard ama ne olduunu bulamyordum. Ben "imdi" sustuum iin, Be-Ce ebediyen konumak ksmn stleniyordu. Bir an olsun durmadan vd vd konuuyordu. Parmaklarm su topluyordu dudaklarnn yalmna dokunduumda. te byle zamanlarda, uzadka uzayan sylevleri giderek daha da anlalmaz bir hal alyor; incecik gzleri bir muammaya dnp, asla ne hissettiini belli etmiyordu. "Hatrladka, yalnzlktan korkarsn. Srf yalnz kalmaktan korktuklar iin tkenmilikleri srdren, rmcek balam sevdalarna taze isimli ocuklar douranlar var ya, ite onlar hafzas en kuvvetli olanlardr." Gene sallanan sandalyesine oturmu, mor saakl battaniyesine sk sk sanlm, bir ne bir arkaya sallana sallana, bara ara konuuyordu. Daha dn gece, yan dairedeki asabi kadnn grltmzden rahatsz olduunu sylemek iin geldiini, hatta st rtk bir biimde bizi ev sahibine ikyetle tehdit ettiini unutmua benziyordu. Kadn hazr evimize gelmiken, ieriyi dikkatle inceleyip danklktan tr bana laf sokuturmay da ihmal etmemiti. Bu gece de karmda onu grmek istemiyordum. Ama Be-Ce gene kendini konumaya kaptrmt. Ve byle durumlarda sesini bir trl ayarlyamyor-du. Onu duyan da, bu sesin insan azman bir adamdan ktn sanrd. Aniden aa atlad, yanma geldi, bileimi tuttu. "Gemi, geip gitmez. Hibir yere gitmez. Gemi hep bugnn iine akar. Zaten bu yzden, unutmak bu kadar nemli," dedi. "Unutmak gz temizlii. Her bahar muhakkak yapmal. Unutmazsak yaayamayz! Unutmazsak yaatmayz!" "Ben gzm ariv yapmay tercih ederim," dedim omuzlarm silkerek. Bileimi brakp geri ekildi. Alayc bir tebessm m vard dudaklannda, yoksa bana m yle gelmiti? "Bunu sen mi sylyorsun?" Niye ben sylemeyecektim ki? Ne oluyordu ben syleyince? Cevap vermek yerine, sallanan sandalyesine dnp, mor saakl battaniyesine brnd. Bu ani sessizlii canm skmt.

door. When he opened the door he thought would lead to immortality, he saw the watchman at the front door in the mirror. He was astounded but quickly realised his mistake. (Who else could accept to be death's messenger except death's watchman?) I was becoming increasingly anxious. I was anxious because I thought that everything B-C did and said had to do with the Dictionary of Gazes. Since he didnt show me what hed written, the Dictionary of Gazes was an enigma to me. And with every passing day this enigma distanced him further from me. I also suspected that all of those strange things were taken from the Dictionary of Gazes. As if his contact with me and with life itself was through the vehicle of, and by leave of, the Dictionary of Gazes. I didnt like this. On top of this, hed started seeing everyone and everything as material. He said that stories resembled water, and that only in miracles did sweet water and salt water flow together without mixing. He asserted that because the Dictionary of Gazes was not a miracle, it could mix completely with everyone and everything. With a stick in his hand, he was constantly stirring up stories; putting the end at the beginning and the beginning in the middle. He cut up films, dreams, newspaper cuttings, encyclopaedia articles, put the pieces together, and used them as material for the Dictionary of Gazes. I was anxious because once he used material, he never looked at it again. THE GAZE gozliik (glasses): Glass placed in frames in order to see better or to see at all. I he next day when I got back from the nursery B-C wasnt at home. Lately he often went out without leaving word. On days like these, one of the neighbour-ladies would always open her door, ither to put out the trash or to give me some food; and when they * ipened their doors they would always let me know when and how ItC had left. But not even the neighbour-ladies knew where he had

Canm skldnda, ackyordum. Biraz daha msr patlatmak iin ayaklandmda aklm bama geldi. Rejimde olduumu unutmutum! gzc: Kapalar'nn akgz kuyumcularndan biri, lmszle aldna inand bir arka kap yaptrm dkknna. Bu gizli geitten s135 vmakm niyeti, Azrail cann almaya geldiinde. Bunun iin, dkknn n kapsnda oturup, Azrail arnn ucunda belirdiinde kendisine haber verecek olan bir gzcye ihtiyac varm. Ama cret ne denli yksek olursa olsun, kimse bu ie talip olmuyormu. Azrail'in can sklyormu zaten. Yoksul bir deirmenci klna girip, kuyumcunun karsna dikilmi. Kese kese altn karlnda, btn gn dkknn nnde oturup, Azrail'i grr grmez kuyumcuya haber vermeyi kabul etmi. Gel zaman git zaman, fazla uzam bu oyun. Azrail hem kuyumcunun cann almak istiyormu, hem de gzclk szn tutmay. i iini yiyormu iin iinden kamadka. Nihayet bir gn, alicengiz oyununda bulmu areyi. n kapya bakan bir boy aynas yerletirmi arka kapnn ardna. Sonra da n kapda durup, Azrail'in yaklamakta olduunu haber vermi kuyumcuya. Kuyumcu, artk iyice yalanm gvdesinden beklenmeyecek bir eviklikle sarlm arka kapnn tokmana. lmszle uzandna inand kap aldnda, n kapnn gzcsn grm karsndaki aynada. Afallam ama hatasn abuk anlam. (lmn szcsnden baka kim kabul eder ki lmn gzcs olmay?) Giderek kayglanyordum. Kayglanyordum nk artk Be-Ce'nin her yaptnn, her sylediinin Nazar Szl ile balantl olduunu dnyordum. Oysa yazdklarn bana gstermeye yanamad iin, Nazar Szl benim iin bir muammayd. Ve her geen gn bu muamma onu benden biraz daha uzaklatnyordu. Ayrca syledii btn o acayip eylerin de Nazar Szl'nden alntlar olmasndan pheleniyordum. Sanki benimle ve hatta hayatla, Nazar Szl araclyla ve ancak Nazar Szl msaade ettii lde temas

gone or what he was doing. I ate my supper alone. When I say supper, it was only grapefruit. I m punishing myself today because yesterday I forgot I was on a tu t. All day Ive eaten nothing but grapefruit. As I piled up the i.ipefruit peels, I carefully examined my belly. I have to confess, I didnt have one belly, I had three bellies. And not one of them had melted even the smallest bit. halusinasyon (hallucination): For thousands of years, people had been drinking infusions of mushrooms in order to see what they hadn't seen. Later, they became frightened of what they could see. I suppose if I wasnt as fat as I am, Id be able to keep better track I the weight Ive lost. When something small becomes smaller its noticeable right away, but when something large become smaller tinloss remains invisible. Just as I used to in the old days, I suffer II mgs of hunger all day. Since I couldnt fill my stomach, I suppose my eyes tried to fill themselves by watching all of the cooking programmes on television, and reading food articles in magazines, 11id gazing at bountiful displays in restaurant windows and at high ilorie products in the supermarket, learning recipes from skilful ooks wherever I went, and since I was talking about food all day, when I finally did eat something it somehow didnt fill me. Then I ould put away at least thirty grapefruit in one sitting. The pile of .rapefruit peels became as high as a mountain. It made me irritable El I! S11 A I A K to see them. Dieting made me an irritable person. Eating that many grapefruits one after the other made me fe quite heavy. I curled up on the sofa. Not long afterwards, I hear the door open. B-C had come home. But I was so sleepy I couldn get up. My eyes were closing. I fell asleep looking at the mound o grapefruit peels. harem asasi (chief palace eunuch): In the Ottoman harem, as well as, in their time, in the palaces of Assyria, Persia, Rome, Byzantium,

kuruyordu. Bundan holanmyordum. stelik giderek her eyi, herkesi malzeme olarak grmeye balamt. Hikyelerin suya benzediini ve yalnzca mucizelerde tatl sularla tuzlu sularn birbirine karmadan aktn sylyordu. Nazar Szl bir mucize olmad iin her eyin her eyle pekl karabileceim iddia ediyordu. Elinde bir omak, habire hikyeleri kartryordu; sonlan baa, balan ortaya yerletiriyordu. Filmleri, ryalan, gazete kuprlerini, resimleri, ansiklopedileri kesip paralyor; paralar birbirine ekleyip Nazar Szl'ne malzeme yapyordu. Kayglanyordum nk bir kez kulland bir malzemeye, bir daha dnp bakmyordu. gzlk: Daha iyi grmek ya da grnmek iin kullanlan ereve iine konmu cam. 136 Ertesi gn kreten dndmde Be-Ce evde yoktu. Son zamanlarda sk sk habersiz kp gidiyordu evden. Byle gnlerde, muhakkak komu kadnlardan biri ben merdivenlerden karken, p koymak ya da elime bir yiyecek tututurmak iin kapy ayor; amken de, sormadm halde, Be-Ce'nin saat kata ve ne yne gittiini haber veriyordu. Ama nereye gittiini ve ne yaptn komu kadnlar bile bilmiyordu. Yemei tek bama yedim. Yemek dediysem, sadece greyfurt. Dn rejimde olduumu unuttuum iin bugn cezalydun. Btn gn greyfurttan baka bir ey yemeyecektim. Greyfurt kabuklan st ste ylrken, bir yandan da dikkatle inceliyordum gbeimi. tiraf etmeliyim ki, bir deil tam tane gbeim vard benim. Ve ilerinden biri bile bir gdm olsun erimiyordu. halsinasyon: Gremediklerini grebilmek iin insanlar binlerce yl boyunca yalanc altnmantardan iki damtp imiler. Sonra/ grebileceklerinden korkmaya balamlar. Eer bu kadar iman olmasaydm, verdiim kilolar daha yakndan takip edebilirdim herhalde. Azdan azalan hemen gze arpyordu da, oktan azalan grnmezliini koruyordu. Gene tpk eski gnlerde olduu gibi, gnboyu midemde kyntyla dolamaya balamtm. Madem midemi doyuramyorum, bari gzm doyuraym diye, televizyonlardaki btn yemek programlarn izliyor,

Abbysinia and the Mameluks, wellknown figures served as chief eunuch. After becoming eunuchs, the gravest sin they could commit was seeing. Come on, I said to B-C as soon as he came in. He looked tired. Come on what? Lets go out tonight. Its been a long time since weve gone out in disguise. We havent seen the mood of the people. Come on, lets go see. hay (fantasy, dream): The boy used to climb up into the apple tree and lose himself in his dreams. He wouldn't come down from the tree all day; sometimes he stayed in the tree through the night and into the morning. In the end, the elders of the family, unable to bear the situation, decided to cut down the tree. The boy crawled into the hollow where the apple tree had been and dreamed he was an apple tree. Every year he produced crisp, juicy apples. The elders of the family wept as they spooned up the stewed apples. This time we changed our appearance more quickly.Two hours later the two of us were unrecognisable. This evening I was a hardened, coldblooded thief. B-C was my sidekick, an unemployed, shiftless adolescent who had gone to work for his elder brother. Just like the first sprouting of a moustache, he had no idea which way he was going. From the sparse hair on his face he looked like a chick that had had difficulty breaking out of its egg. B-C was confused. THE GAZE I his evening he was an impatient, over-sensitive, illtempered and penniless young man. I wanted to take him into my arms, carry linn on my back, spin him around, but mostly I wanted to throw him into the air. I wanted him to laugh and enjoy himself in the inmament, to ask why the sun oppressed sunflowers, to stroke the moons face, to memorise the locations of the stars, and for him (o know, as he fell like a lump of metal, that I might not catch him. Perhaps Id gone and left, out of boredom, or forgetfulness, oi perhaps for no reason at all. I wanted him to fall with the II ulevolent thrill ofperhaps.

gazetelerin verdii yemek eklerini biriktiriyor, lokantalann cmerte sergiledii tepsileri uzun uzun seyrediyor, spermarketlerde bol kalorili rnlerle dolu reyonlar dolayor, gittiim her yerde maharetli grdm her adan ayrntl tarifler reniyor ve btn gn yemek saykladm iin nihayet bir eyler yediimde, bir trl doymuyordum. O zaman da bir oturuta en az otuz greyfurt bitiriyordum. Da gibi ykseliyordu greyfurt kabuklar. Onlar grdke sinirim bozuluyordu. Rejimde olmak, beni sinirli biri yapyordu. Onlarca greyfurtu pepee yiyince, epey arlamtm. Koltuun zerinde kvnldm. ok gemeden, kapnn aldn duydum. Be-Ce eve dnmt. Ama o kadar ok uykum vard ki, kalkamadm. Gzlerim kapanyordu. Greyfurt kabuklarna bakp, uykuya daldm. harem aas: Osmanl haremlerinde, vaktiyle Asur, ran, Roma, Bizans, Abbasi, Memluk saraylarnn da tandk simalar olmu harem aalan hizmet ederdi. Hadm edildikleri andan itibaren, ileyebilecekleri en byk gnah, grmekti. 137 "Hadi," dedim kapdan girer girmez BeCe'ye. Yorgun grnyordu. "Hadi ne?" "Bu gece birlikte dar kalm. Nicedir tebdil gezmedik. Ahalinin ahvalini grmedik. Hadi gidip grelim." hayal: ocuk, bahedeki elma aacna trmanp hayallere dalarm. Gn-boyu inmezmi aatan aa; kimi geceler dallarda sabahlarm. Sonunda, bu gidiata dayanamayan aile bykleri kesivermi aac. ocuk, elma aacndan geriye kalan ukurun iine girip elma aac olduunu hayal etmi. Her sene sulu sulu, ktr ktr elmalar vermi. Her sene gzyalar arasndaelmakompostulann kaklam aile bykleri. Bu sefer daha abuk klk deitirmitik. Bir saat sonra ikimiz de tannmayacak haldeydik. Ben soukkanl, sabkal bir hrszdm bu gece. Be-Ce de yardakmd; delikanl abisinin gzne girmeye alan isiz gsz, ipsiz sapsz bir yeniyetme. Yeni yeni terleyen byklar gibi ne yne gideceini armt. Yzndeki incecik,

Not wafting down like a leaf, but with (lie speed of lead. Hed put a dirty, wrinkled beret on his head. Hed put gel on his hair, and his earlobes, pink from the cold, stuck out from under his iet. He pattered after me with his hands in his pockets. His right i Mrecap was protruding through a hole in his greasy trousers. His t.u e was dirty and small enough not to show the misgivings he was t' cling, but the pursing of his sore-covered lips gave away his fear. Dont be frightened, I said. Youll be fine, little one. hayalbilim (the study of fantasy): The favourite theme of writers on the study of fantasy is seeing strangers. A stranger who comes from outside the present time and place. Sometimes he doesn't come, and one has to go to him. In any event, a journey is necessary. I he restaurant was very bright. It was a big place bathed in blond light. The light shone superficially and amply in order to provoke i lie stubbornness of those who flowed deeply and methodically; it II imped enthusiastically from the silverware arranged according to size to the rows and rows of customers, from food that was pleasing to the eye to conversation that was pleasing to the ear, from the ilmon-coloured ribbons on the table-cloths to the black bow-ties i >11 the waiters, from the pasteltoned paintings to the shrill tones of'the seasonal salads, from the overwhelming smell of perfume to i he heavy smell of anise. The light shone like a filled sail in this ELIF SHAFAK glittering seaside fish restaurant that defied the night. I was the one who chose this place. This evening B-C was quiet and obedient. We thrust each other forward and looked in through the glass wall that separated the restaurant from the street. For a time it didnt seem as if anyone noticed us; that is, until an almond-eyed woman eating across from a well-dressed middle-aged man raised her wine glass and made eye contact with B-C. Then, some things began to change on the other side of the glass wall. From where we

elimsiz kllardan her biri, kabuunu zar zor krm bir civcivdi; ve her bir kl baka bir yne baktndan, baka bir s kaynan anne bellemiti. Kafas karmt Be-Ce'nin. O bu gece sabrsz, tahammlsz, hrn ve be parasz bir genti. Onu kucama almak, srtmda tamak, etrafmda dndrmek ama en ok da havalara frlatmak istiyordum. stiyordum ki semada glsn elensin, gnee neden ay ieklerine eziyet ettiini sorsun, ayn yzn okasn, yldzlarn yerlerini ezberlesin ve kle gibi aaya derken bilsin ki, belki de ben onu tutmayacam. Belki skntdan, belki unutkanlktan, belki de sebepsiz, ylesine ekip gitmiim. stiyordum ki, Belki'nin hnzr rpertisiyle insin aaya. Bir yaprak zerafetiyle deil, bir kurun hzyla. Ve ben, korkusunu kucaklam olaym, yere dmesine ramak kala onu yakalayp kucakladmda. Bana krll, kirli bir bere geirmiti. Jleyle dzletirdii sa ular, souktan pembelemi kulak memeleri kyordu berenin altndan. Ellerini ceplerine sokmu tp tp geliyordu arkamdan. Sa diz kapa, ya iindeki lime lime pantolonunun yrtndan dar km, adeta nden gitmeye alyordu. Yz, duyduu endieyle kararamayacak kadar pis ve kavruktu ama uuklarla dolu dudaklarnn bkl korkusunu eleveriyordu. "Korkma," dedim. "Yan kk, yrtarsn." hayalbilim: Hayalbilim yazanlann gzde temas yabancy grmektir. 138 Yabanc, imdiki zamann ve burdaki meknn dndan gelendir. Bazen o gelmez de, ona gidilir. Her halkrda, yolculuk etmek gerekir. Il sld lokantann ii. Sansn bir aydnla gmlmt koskoca mekn. Ik, derinden ve usuldan gidenlere inat, yzeyden ve gmbr gmbr akarak; boy boy dizilmi atal baklardan sra sra dizilmi mterilere, nazar okayan mezelerden kulak okayan muhabbetlere, somon rengi kurdela takm masa rtlerinden siyah papyon takm garsonlara, pastel tonlardaki tablolardan crtlak tonlardaki mevsim salatalarna, baygn parfm kokularndan youn anason kokularna sryordu

stood we could see that the mouthful the woman had been chewing daintily somehow wouldnt go down her throat. She was right to be uneasy. It must have been unpleasant to eat with us watching. We wondered what she would do. A little later, the almond-eyed woman, with a dejected expression, nodded her head forward; and found herself looking at the eye of the dead fish on her plate. Perhaps she too was thinking about what she would do. When she lifted her head again, shed gone pale, and her eyes were lifeless. First the welldressed middle-aged man and then the head-waiter became aware of the situation. After telling them to get rid of us, she didnt take another look; neither at us nor at the fish on her plate. That evening, in that bright restaurant, for reasons I didnt know, I felt a closeness to the almond-eyed woman who had informed on us. HumayJhe green-headed Hiimay bird who was well-known for avoiding the eyes of the earth and of men was so devoted to the firmament that she would lay her eggs in the air. From time to time Hiimay would come within forty cubits of the earth, and let its shadow fall on a person. Whoever Humay's shadow fell upon would never be defeated in life. The head-waiter was inclined to settle the matter quiedy, but the well-dressed middle-aged man wanted to kick up a fuss. Thanks to him, the whole restaurant was soon aware of our presence. Before long, two enormous men had come up to us and told us not to press our noses to the glass and watch the restaurant. When we THE GAZE objected, we were quickly sent on our way. Hut since we were in disguise that evening, we had to return to ihe place where we mustnt be seen. Unseen, we lay in ambush in a culde-sac from which we could watch. Because the diminishing halo of light from the restaurant mled not far away, we remained in darkness. B-C was constantly n'peating it. These overgrown men had taken him by his wispy immstache like a dead rat and had sent him flying. Now, his narrow rs burning with anger,

cokuyla. Ik pupa yelken iiyordu burada, deniz kenarndan geceye meydan okuyan bu aaal balk lokantasnda. Bendim buray seen. Bu gece Be-Ce sessiz ve itaatkrd. Birbirimize sokulup, lokantay sokaktan ayran cam duvara burunlarmz yaptrarak ieriyi gzetlemeye koyulduk. Bir mddet, kimse bizi fark etmie benzemiyordu; ta ki, kelli felli bir adamla karlkl yemek yiyen badem gzl bir kadn, kadehini havada sallad esnada Be-Ce ile gz gze gelinceye kadar. te o zaman, bir eyler deimeye balad cam duvarn te yannda. Kadnn aznn iinde evrile evrile dalan lokmann, bir trl boazndan aa inemediini grebiliyorduk durduumuz yerden. Haklyd tedirgin olmakta. Yemek yerken bizim tarafmzdan seyredilmek berbat bir ey olmalyd. Ne yapacan merak ediyorduk. Biraz sonra, badem gzl kadn mahzun bir ifadeyle ban nne edi; tabandaki l baln l gzne bakakald. Galiba o da ne yapacan dnyordu. Ban tekrar kaldrdnda, rengi solmu, baklar donuklamt. nce kelli felli adam, sonra da ef garsonu haberdar etti durumdan. Ve bizi onlara havale ettikten sonra bir kez olsun dnp bakmad bir daha; ne bize, ne tabandaki bala. O gece, o ltl lokantada, bilemediim bir sebepten tr derin bir yaknlk duymutum bizi gammazlayan badem gzl kadna. Hmay: Yeryznden ve insanlarn gzlerinden uzak durmasyla nam salm yeil bal Hmay kuu, ylesine dknm ki semaya, yumurtasn havada yumurtlarm. Baz baz Hmay krk arn kadar yeryzne yaklap, glgesini bir insann zerine drrm. Hmay'n glgesi kimin zerinde grlrse, onun srt yere gelmezmi bu cihanda. ef garson olay mmkn olduunca patrtsz kapatmaktan yanayd ama kelli felli adam yaygaracnn tekiydi. Onun sayesinde, tez zamanda btn lokanta haberdar oldu varlmzdan. Herkes tedirgin 139 gzlerle bize bakyordu. ok gemeden, iki irikym adam yanmza gelip, burnumuzu cama

he watched the restaurant intently. With Ins nose, he watched the smells of food and drink that wafted on In- breeze; with his fist he watched what his fingertips hadnt been ible to touch. He watched with his grinding teeth. All right, theyll do! exclaimed B-C, seeing a couple who had li the restaurant and were waiting for their car to be brought. Both luisband and wife were wearing a sour apple-green. I ignored him. \VV continued waiting. Before long, a family wrapped from head to tinin orange emerged from the restaurant. A mother, a father, and two grown-up girls. li-C and I emerged silently from our hiding place. isne delisi (eye of the needle): In a neighbourhood where silence was as valuable as gold, a woman and her daughter sat in front of the window embroidering the daughter's trousseau.'Your dreams have to be small enough to pass through the eye of a needle,' said the woman to her daughter.'If you see that a dream is too large to pass through a needle, forget it. Dreams that don't pass through the eye of a needle are empty dreams.They won't bring anything but disappointment.' The poor girl listened carefully to what her mother said.Then she lost herself in her dreams. Whenever she started to entertain a dream, her embroidery fell from her hands, and the needle with it. Knife! B-C, excited, extended his knife. The orange coloured family passed down the dark street quickly. I hadnt known beforehand ELIF SHAFAK which one I would choose. They were shaking. Each one was shaking differently. I chose the wildly trembling mother. The woman didnt stop begging us to let them go. But when they saw the knife, their fear silenced them. This evening Im not just hardened and cold-blooded, Im a practised and experienced thief. I went calmly about my work. I stripped off the orange peels the woman was wearing, without injuring her at all. After Id taken off her outer orange peels, she stood before us wearing only a light-coloured, dainty lace inner orange peel.

yaptramayacamz, ieriyi gzetleyeme-yeceimizi sylediler, itiraz etmeye kalktmzda, yaka paa uzaklatrldk. Ama madem ki tebdil geziyorduk bu gece, geri dnmeliydik grlmememiz gereken yere. Grlmeden grebileceimiz bir kmaz sokakta pusuya yattk. Lokantay kuatan k saana giderek incelen hlelerle az temizde son bulduu iin karanlkta kalmtk. Be-Ce habire syleniyordu. nsan azman adamlar, bir san lsnden kurtulurcasna elimsiz byklarndan tutup savurmulard onu. imdi, fkeden kan anana dnen incecik gzlerini iyice ksm, prdikkat kesilmi, lokantay seyrediyordu. Burnuyla seyrediyordu, rzgrla savrulan yemek ve iki kokularn; yumruuyla seyrediyordu parmann ucuyla dokunamadklarn. Dileriyle seyrediyordu, dilerini gcrdatarak. "Tamam bunlar olur!" diye atld Be-Ce, lokantann knda arabalarnn getirilmesini bekleyen ifti grnce. Kan koca ikisi de mayho elma yeili giyinmilerdi. Yan izdim. Beklemeye devam ettik. ok gemeden, tepeden trnaa portakal rengine brnm bir aile kt lokantadan. Anne, baba ve iki yetikin kzlar. Be-Ce ve ben, usulca ktk saklandmz yerden. ine delii: Sessizliin altn kadar kymetli olduu mahallelerden birinde, btn gn pencerenin nnde oturup eyiz ilermi ana kz. "Hayallerin ine deliinden geecek kadar kk olmal," dermi kadn kzna. "Baktn ki bir hayalin geemedi inenin deliinden, bover onu. Unut gitsin. ne deliinden geemeyen hayaller bo hayallerdir. Hsrandan baka bir ey getirmezler." Kzcaz dikkatle dinlermi annesinin anlattklarn. Sonra dalp gidermi hayallere. Ne vakit hayal kursa, elinden kayverirmi gergef; ineyi de beraberinde gtrerek. "Pala!" Be-Ce heyecanla palay uzatt. Portakal rengi aile fertleri karanlk sokakta hizaya gemilerdi. nce hangisini seeceimi bilemeden bakndm. Titriyorlard. Hepsi de farkl farkl titriyordu. Ben zangr zangr titreyen anneyi setim. Kadn onlar serbest brakmamz iin durmadan yalvanyordu. Ama

Then I dragged the man into the middle and asked him to look at his wife. Squinting his eyes stupidly he looked first at the orange peels on the ground, and then at me. Finally his eyes caught sight of his wife, though in fact looking and seeing happen at the same time, but because the brain is slower than the eyes its necessary to wait a little. If it had been a stranger in front of him everything would have been easier. Its easier to see strangers than it is to see those we know. But a little while later, the man knew what he saw. He saw his wifes irredeemable nose, her sagging double chin, her flaccid breasts, her spreading fat, her varicose veins, hair that should have been dyed long ago, the crows-feet between her eyebrows. How the years, he murmured, wear a person out. How beautiful she was when she was young. Has it been easy? All these years shes been sacrificing herself for us. The sediments of mercy darkened the night. Dagger! B-C had overcome his excitement and brandished the dagger calmly. Meanwhile, the woman had started sobbing pitifully. Id stripped off the inner peels, without injuring her at all. The man had to become accustomed; he looked at once. He saw that his wifes lips had shrunk from pursing them at everything, that her mouth was turned down from constantly nagging, that her eyes were wrinkled from regarding everything with malice, that her expression had darkened from seeking others faults, that her evil heart had drained her body of life, that even though she said malicious things about THE GAZE the beauty parlours she continued determinedly to spend time and money shaping her body, that as her unhappiness grew she tried to ret more control over her children and wouldnt let them out of her sight for a moment, and secretly went into their rooms to sniff i heir clothes and read their diaries, and that for years she had been w;itching him in the same secret ways. And he didnt like what he iw. With a sour expression, he took a few steps back. At this point i

palay grmesiyle birlikte korkudan dilinin tutulmas bir oldu. Ben bu gece sadece soukkanl ve sabkal deil, bir o kadar da talimli ve tecrbeli bir hrszdm. Sakin sakin almaya koyuldum. Kad140 I nn zerindeki portakal kabuklarn soydum, cann hi actmadan. Btn d kabuklar ayrp geri ekildiimde o orada, tam ortamzda, ak renkli, dantelli, tiril tiril bir i kabukla kalakalmt. Derken adam srkledim ortaya ve ondan karsna bakmasn istedim. Gzlerini aptal aptal krptrarak bir yerdeki portakal kabuklarna bakt, bir bana. Nihayet gzleri karsnn grntsn yakaladnda, aslnda bakmasyla grmesi bir olmutu ama insann beyni gzlerinden daha ge hareket ettii iin biraz beklemek gerekiyordu. Karsndaki bir yabanc olsa her ey daha kolay olurdu. Ne de olsa yabancy grmek kadar kolay deildi, tandklarmz grmek. Ama bir mddet sonra, adam ne grdn biliyordu artk. Kansnn estetik dayanmayan burnunu, sarkm gerdann, porsumu memelerini, semirmi yalarn, varis yznden frlam damarlarn, boya zaman oktan gemi salarn, kalarnn arasndaki kazayaklann grmt. Grdn beenmemiti ama abuk toparlad kendini. "Seneler," diye mrldand "nasl da ypratyor insan. Oysa ne kadar gzeldi genken. Kolay m? Hep bizim iin fedakrlk etti bunca sene." Merhamet tortulan karartt geceyi. "Haner!" Be-Ce heyecann yenmi olmalyd ki gayet sakin uzatt haneri. Bu arada kadn hkra hkra alamaya balamt. Etrafndaki i kabuu da soydum, cann hi actmadan. Erkek artk almt; hemen bakt. Bakt ve grd. Karsnn dudaklarnn her eye dudak bkmekten sarktn, aznn kenarlarnn srekli sylenmekten pr-sdn, gzlerinin kem bakmaktan kntn, baklannn devaml ak aramaktan karardn, yreindeki fesadn vcudunu rselediini, gene de gzellik merkezlerinde onu bunu kt kt szmeyi srdrdn, vcuduna ekidzen verebilmek iin hrsla

lie woman had covered her face with her hands, but the man wasnt looking any more. It was much easier to strip the man of his orange peels. His rough "liter orange peels were an amazing optical illusion. When I cut i way the thick outer orange peels, a tiny little body appeared. All of i lie water in his body had melted away. There was no water left to 11 lelt, and his body was getting smaller every day. But because of his ' liter peels, nothing was apparent from outside. His inner, second l.iyer of peels had become separated thread by thread and had taken >11 a spongy appearance. What we touched broke off in our hands. Meanwhile, before we could say anything, the woman approached I lie man and looked at him. Years ago shed married the man with ilie certainty that he was the right choice for the future, the father of her two daughters, but now with his outer orange peels gone she looked at her diminishing husband appraisingly.What a shame, she whispered to herself.How hes collapsed. Was it easy? He worked himself to the bone all these years. All for us. The sediments of mercy darkened the night. Dagger! B-C brandished his dagger in a threatening manner. When the second layer of orange peel was gone, the woman looked again. She looked and saw. She saw that he deferred to anyone stronger than him, or even to anyone of his own strength, that he fills his wallet and his stomach through trickery, that he spends money on pretty boys, his favourite game to play with them is be-theother-hit-yourself, he dresses the boys in his own clothes while he dresses as a woman, then derives great pleasure from having the boys ELIF SHAFAK abuse and humiliate him, then he wants the boys to beat him but constantly cautions them that these beatings must leave no marks, how amazing it is that hes been playing these secret nocturnal games all these years without them leaving any trace on him, that when the beating starts going too far and the blows become harder he takes off his garters and beats the

harcad paralan ve zaman, mutsuzluu arttka ocuklarn daha ok sahiplendiini ve bir an bile gznn nnden ayrmak istemediini, gizlice kzlarn odalanna girerek elbiselerini koklayp defterlerini okuduunu, ayn sinsi gizlilikle senelerdir kendisini de gzetlediini grd. Ve grdn beenmedi. Suratn ekitip, birka adm geri ekildi. Kadn bu arada elleriyle yzn rtmt ama kocas artk ona bakmyordu zaten. Erkein kabuklann soymak ok daha kolay oldu. Ptrl d kabuun heybeti bir gz aldatmacasndan ibaretti. Kaln d kabuklan birer birer kesip ayrdmda, ufack bir csse peydahlanverdi. Suyunu tamamen yitirmiti ii. Artk emecek su kalmadndan, gnbegn 141 ufalyordu cssesi. Ama d kabuklarn sayesinde dardan bir ey belli olmuyor, heybetinden bir ey eksilmiyordu. ierdeki ikinci kabuk ise tel tel ayrlm, sngerimsi bir hal almt. Dokunduumuz elimizde kalyordu. Bu arada kadn bizim bir ey sylememize frsat kalmadan kocasna yaklat ve ona bakt. Seneler evvel gelecei iin en doru tercihi yaptndan emin olarak evlendii adama, iki kznn babasna, kz kardeiyle uzun telefon konumalarnn balca ikyet konusuna, imdi d kabuu gidince ufack kalan kocasna alc gzle bakt. "Yazk," diye mrldand kendi kendine. "Nasl da km. Kolay m ama? Hep didindi alt bunca sene. Hep bizim iin." Merhamet tortular karartt geceyi. "Haner!" Be-Ce hnzr bir edayla haneri uzatt hemen. kinci kabuk katman da gittiinde, tekrar bakt kadn. Bakt ve grd. Kocasnn, bkemedii eli pn, kendinden daha glnn karsnda smsk smsk eilip bkln, yalan dolann gayya kuyusunda gnbegn senebesene midesini ve kesesini nasl iirdiini, ensesi kaymak kalas kadid olanlara uvalla para akttn, onlarla oynamay en ok sevdii oyunun teki-olmaca-kendine-vurmaca olduunu, olanlar kendi klna sokup kendisinin de kadn klna girdiini, bu haldeyken eziyet ve hakaret grmekten byk keyif aldn, olanlardan kendisini

boy hard enough to make him bleed all over, that whatever dirty business he enters, he emerges smelling like roses, that if anyone were to learn his secrets, he would be compromised, that he had risen to his position by compromising and stepping on others. And she didnt like what she saw. jaluzi (Venetian blind): Inner curtains that are jealous of outside eyes. B-C was really enjoying himself. He wanted to bring forward the girls who had been watching their mother and father with anxiety, though I was tired and bored. After a short argument he was convinced that we should return to the Hayalifener Apartments. But he insisted that we burn the orange peels before we left. I didnt say anything. With B-Cs beret in my hand, I withdrew to a dark corner to watch. B-C was circling the burning orange peels, which gave off a wonderful smell. It was as if his excitement was rolling down a steep hill, gaining speed and strength as it rolled. He was banging on what looked like the lid of a garbage bin, though without a handle, and was making enough noise to wake the dead. He dropped the lid and held the knife in one hand and the dagger in the other, lifting them both into the air. He moaned as if he was wounded, and trembled like an epileptic. I held my breath, and watched him. Id never seen him like this before. I watched in amazement as the light of the flames played in his hair, and his lips curled, and his burning eyes refused to witness the world. B-C was a witch who had lost not only the recipe for poison but also the recipe for the antidote as the wind ruffled the pages of the book of spells; who turned into a fly and infuriated the ox from around whose neck the world was THE GAZE hanging; who poisoned all of the cisterns of the city with his .mg< i who cursed the goddess just before the moon turned full hut would not allow anyone else to do so. Each member of the orange-coloured family watched him, their eyes wide as saucers with surprise. Their pupils were dilating moment by

dvmelerini istediini ama iddetli dayaklardan geriye ufack bir kzarklk dahi kalmamas iin sk sk tembihlediini, senelerdir gizlice oynad gececil oyunlarndan geriye tek bir leke bile brakmamaktaki maharetini, dayaklann rndan kmaya balayp darbelerin sertletii anda jartiyerini kartp az nce kendini dvdrd olanlar kan revan iinde braktn; bulat her irkeften tertemiz syrlmay, girdii her bataktan batmadan ayrlmay baardn; srlarn kefedenlerin ayan kaydrdn, ayan kaydrdklarnn omuzlarna basa basa ykseldiini grd. Ve grdklerini beenmedi. jaluzi: eriyi darnn gzlerinden kskanan perde. Be-Ce artk iyiden iyiye keyiflenmiti. Deminden beri kaygyla anne babalarn izleyen kzlar ortaya ekmek istiyordu imdi. Oysa ben yorulmu ve sklmtm. Ksa bir tartmadan sonra Hayalifener Apartmanna dnmeye ikna oldu. Ama gitmeden nce kabuklardan bir ate yakmakta srar ediyordu. Ses karmadm. Elimde Be-Ce'nin beresi, izbe bir keye ekilip onu seyretmeye koyuldum. 142 Be-Ce portakal kabuklanyla yakt atein etrafnda dnyordu ortala nefis kokular saarak. Sanki dik bir bayrdan aa yuvarlanyordu cokusu; yuvarlandka gcne g, hzna hz katarak. Yedi dvelin en sunturlu cinlerini bamza topluyordu durmakszn ald ve bir p kutusuna ait olduunu tahmin ettiim yuvarlak, teneke, kulpsuz kapak. Aklna estiinde kapa brakp, lm elif biiminde tuttuu pala ile haneri havaya kaldryordu. Yaral gibi inliyor, saral gibi titriyordu. Ben soluumu tutmu ona bakyordum. Daha nce onu hi byle grmemitim. Yalmlarn rengiyle oynad salarna, dudaklarnn kvrmlarna, giderek harlanan gzlerinin tan olmay reddettii dnyaya bakyordum hayranlkla. By kitabnn sayfalarn rzgr kartrnca, sadece zehirini deil panzehirini de kaybetmi; sinek olup arz boynunda tayan kz lgna evirmi; ehrin tm sarnlarn fkesiyle zehirlemi;

moment from their delight in the knowledge that they would soon be set free from the struggle with the darkness of the pain of the moment; and also/ and also a barely visible stain/ a stain as small and unimportant as a flea that had bitten, a tick that had attached itself, a caterpillar that had chewed, a leech that had sucked, a moth that had eaten, a worm that had emerged from an apple remained in the pupils of each member of the orange-coloured family. Janus: Janus, the ancient Roman God, had two faces, one that looked forward and one that looked behind. Because of this, he could see both the future and the past. Tonight, pruning his bright yellow hallucinations with the sharp edge of his heart, hopping and jumping on the flames, making the most of being someone else on a night of disguise, B-C extinguished with his own sweat the fire he had lit with his own hands. When he left the orange-coloured family in the culde-sac, he was still holding the smoke deep within himself. Later, we walked arm-in-arm through the side streets; we walked calmly, without saying a single word. At one point I looked, and saw that he had filled his pockets with orange peels. Why did you do it? I asked. Since wed disguised ourselves as thieves, we had to steal something from them, he answered.How much do you think these orange peels are worth? Kalipso (Calypso): The goddess whose name derives from the ancient Greek verb kalypteiri, which means 'to hide'. Ill I SHAFAK I smelled of oranges. As if everything smelled of oranges. The first ] thing I had to do when I got back to the Hayalifener Apartments j was to throw myself in the bath. This time Id spent so long in my 1 corset that my body was rebelling. It was an effort to move or to speak. I felt worse from moment to moment. I asked B-C for help as loudly as I could, but he didnt hear me. Hed long since started working on the computer. From the way he was writing, he had to have found new material for the Dictionary of Gazes.

dolunayn tamam olmasn beklerken tanrasna svm ama svdrmemi bir cadyd adeta. Portakal rengi ailenin her ferdi, aknlktan falta gibi alm gzlerle bakyordu ona. Birazdan serbest kalacaklarn bilmenin peltek sevinci, ani aclardan artakalan donuklukla bouuyordu kat kat bym gzbebeklerinde; bir de/ bir de belli belirsiz bir leke/ bit srm, kene yapm, trtl kemirmi, slk emmi, gve yemi, elmadan kurt kvermi kadar kck, nemsiz bir leke kalmt portakal rengi aile fertlerinin gzbebeklerinde. Janus: Eski Roma tanrlarndan Janus, biri arkaya biri ne bakan iki ayr yze sahipti. Bu sayede, hem gemii grebiliyordu, hem de gelecei. Bu gece Be-Ce, sapsar sanrlarn yreinin kesici ucuyla budaya budaya, yalmlarn zerinden hoplaya zplaya, bir tebdil gecesinde bakas olabilmenin tadn kara kara, kendi teriyle sndrd kendi elleriyle yakt atei. Portakal rengi aileyi kmaz sokakta braktmzda, hl iten ie ttyordu duman. Sonra, kolkola girip, ara sokaklarda yrdk; aheste revan, tek kelime konumadan. Bir ara baktm, ceplerine portakal kabuklan doldurmu. "Niye yaptn?" dedim. "Madem hrsz klna girdik, bir eyler almalydk onlardan," diye cevap verdi. "Sence ne kadar eder bu kabuklar?" Kalipso: smi, Yunanca "saklamak" anlamna gelen "kalyptein" fiilinden tremi tanra. stm bam portakal kokuyordu. Sanki her taraf portakal kokuyordu. Hayalifener Apartmanna dner dnmez ilk iim kendimi ban143 yoya atmak oldu. Bu sefer korsenin iinde o kadar uzun sre kalmtm ki, vcudum isyan ediyordu. Artk hareket etmekte, konumakta glk ekiyordum. Giderek arlatm hissediyordum. Sesim kt kadar Be-Ce'den yardm istedim ama duymad. oktan bilgisayarn bana gemiti. Tkr tkr yazdna baklrsa, Nazar Szl'ne yeni maddeler bulmu olmalyd. kedi: Kedi gz, insann gremediklerini grebilir. Banyoda beni bekliyordu gvdem. Aynann karsna geip, tebdil kyafetlerimi kardm. Korse artk canm ok actyordu.

kedi (cat): Cat's eyes can see what people cannot see. My body was waiting for me in the bathroom. I stepped in front of the mirror and took off my disguise. The corset was causing me i a lot of pain. I unfastened the straps and opened the clasps one by one. The fat that had been confined all night should have started spreading out as soon as I opened the corset, but I didnt feel any difference. Something strange was going on. I took the corset off completely. There was another corset underneath. I didnt remember having put on another corset like this. I hurried to unfasten it. There was yet another corset underneath it. I was struck with terror. Each time I unfastened a corset, there was another one underneath it. And each corset resembled a grapefruit peel. Just like the orange-coloured family, I was stripping off peel after peel. But at least their bodies appeared after two layers of peels; whereas I seemed to be made up only of peels. I wept as I stripped them off in front of the mirror. As I stripped off layer after layer, mounds of grapefruit peels were accumulating around me. Finally, after stripping off I dont know how many layers of peels, I was left with something that resembled a fish skeleton. It was so frightful that I didnt have the courage to look at myself in the mirror. I turned my head. It was then that I realised I was standing in front of a restaurant again. But this wasnt like the fish restaurant of earlier; nor was it chic. In the wide display window, rows and rows of chickens were turning on spits. A little behind them there THE GAZE were kid goats, and behind these there were lambs, and at the very hack huge cows were turning. All of the animals were turning with the same slowness. Suddenly, I saw my usual body among the meat. It was enormous. It was sticky and glutinous. It was as pitiful is vanilla ice-cream melting under the sun. Wearing an apron, and with a fork in its hand, it was testing each of the cooking animals. At

Kaylarn zp, t tlarn birer birer atm. Btn gece skan yalarm, etlerim korseyi aar amaz yaylmaya balam olmalyd ama hibir deiiklik hissetmiyordum. Ortada garip bir eyler vard. Korseyi tamamen kardm. Altnda baka bir korse vard. Byle bir korse taktm hatrlamyordum. Telala zdm balarn. Altndan bir korse daha kt. Dehete kaplmtm. zerimden kardm her korsenin altndan bir korse daha kyordu. Ve her korse bir greyfurt kabuunu andryordu. Tpk portakal rengi aile fertleri gibi kabuk kabuk soyuluyordum. Ama onlarn hi olmazsa iki kabuktan sonra vcutlar ortaya kmt; oysa ben galiba srf kabuktan ibarettim. Alaya alaya soyunuyordum aynann karsnda. Vcudum kat kat soyulduka bek bek greyfurt kabuklan birikiyordu yanbamda. Nihayet, kimbilir kanc kabuu da zerimden kardktan sonra, balk klna benzeyen bir iskeletle kalakaldm. yle korkuntu ki, aynadan kendime bakmaya cesaret edemiyordum. Bam evirdim. te o zaman, gene bir lokantann nnde durduumu fark ettim. Ama bu, bir nceki gibi balk lokantas deildi; ne de onun kadar kt. Geni vitrininde, sra sra dizilmi uzunca ilerin zerinde, pililer dnyordu. Daha gerilerde olaklar, onlarn arkasnda kuzular, en arkalarda ise koca koca inekler dnyordu. Btn hayvanlar ayn yavalkla evriliyordu. Birden aniden, her zamanki gvdemi grdm etlerin arasnda. Kocamand. Vck vckt. Gnein altnda eriyen kaymakl dondurma gibi acklyd. nnde nlk, elinde atal, teker teker kontrol ediyordu kzaran etleri. Bir ara dnp gz krpt. "Akam yemeimiz," dedi, hrgcnden vaktiyle deve olduu anlalan kocaman etin nne geldiinde. "Ben rejimdeyim," dedim ksk bir sesle. "Ah, tabii, tabii," dedi gvdem. "Az kalsn unutuyordum. Sen rejimdesin." 144 Sonra da gzmn iine baka baka, devenin budunu koparp itahla yemeye balad. Be-Ce'nin sesini duydum uzaktan. Giderek yaklayordu. Gzlerimi araladm.

>ne point it turned and winked.Our evening meal, it said when it i .ime to a large animal that, from its hump, was apparently a camel. Im on a diet, I said in a low voice. Of course, of course, said my body. I forget so quickly. Youre on a diet. Later, looking deeply into my eyes, it tore off one of the camels legs and started eating it ravenously. I heard B-Cs voice from afar. It was coming closer. I opened my eyes a little. Id fallen asleep again, and again at an inappropriate time. He was perched on the edge of the armchair I was sitting in, looking at me. Right behind him were the peels of the grapefruit Id eaten as soon as Id come home. I didnt want to see any peels. I tried to say something but B-C brought his finger to his lips. Quiet, dont speak, he whispered. He was smiling. Its not a good idea to leave you home alone. How many kilos of grapefruit did you eat? I smiled bashfully. I dont know what you dreamed tonight, but from the look of you it was a nightmare. Its passed now. Dont tell anyone what you saw, keep it to yourself. I looked at him with surprise. As if he wasnt the same person who was always pestering me to tell him my dreams. But I was very pleased that he didnt ask any questions, that he preferred calmly and quiedy stroking my hair to talking. kem gdz (evil eye): In a frilly white dress that went down to the ground, the young girl was smiling. She passed an old woman with whiskers on her chin who was selling pigeon feed. The old woman said,'You've become like a swan, my dear.'The young girl felt a strange shiver, but still ELIF SHAFAK thanked the old woman. The steps of the square where the pigeons gathered were covered with moss. She slipped on the last step and landed face-down in a puddle of mud. Passers-by rushed to pick her up, and wiped the blood from her cut lip; but they couldn't clean the white,frilly dress. 'That woman did this,'shouted the young girl. She was standing right behind the old woman with the

Gene uyuyakalmtm, gene olmadk bir zamanda. Be-Ce oturduum koltuun kenarna ilimi, bana bakyordu. Hemen arkasnda, eve gelir gelmez yediim greyfurtlarn kabuklar duruyordu. Kabuk grmek istemiyordum. Bir eyler sylemeye altm ama Be-Ce parmaklarn dudaklarma gtrd. "Sus, konuma," dedi fsltyla. Glmsyordu. "Seni evde yalnz brakmaya gelmiyor galiba. Ka kilo greyfurt yemisin byle?" Mahcup glmsedim. "Bu gece neler grdn bilemiyorum ama haline baklrsa kt bir ryaym. imdi geti. Kimseye anlatma grdklerini, kendine sakla." aknlkla baktm ona. Daha dne kadar ryalarm anlatmam iin beni sktran o deildi sanki. Ama aslnda, ok houma gitmiti soru sormamas; sessiz ve sakin salarm okamay, konumaya tercih etmesi. kem gz: Yerlere kadar uzanan bembeyaz, frfrl elbisesinin iinde glmsyordu gen kz. Gvercinlere yem satan, enesi kll yal kadnn yanndan geti. Yal kadn "kuu gibi olmusun evladm," dedi. Gen kz garip bir rperti hissetti ama gene de teekkr etti. Gvercinlerin topland meydann basamaklarn yosun tutmutu. Sonuncu basamaa vardnda aya kayd, bir amur glne yzst kapakland. Etraftan koup kaldrdlar, patlam dudandaki kan sildiler; ama bembeyaz, frfrl elbisesini temizleyemediler. "O kadn yapt bunu," diye haykrd gen kz. enesi kll yal kadn tam arkasnda duruyordu. "Sama," dedi fsltyla. "Herkes bilir ki, beyaz abuk kirlenir." Sonra da elinde tuttuu tasn iindeki btn yemleri gen kzn stne boaltt. Gvercinler kara, kapkara bir bulut halinde yemlere t. Be-Ce'ye bir ey sylemedim ama grdm rya beni huzursuz etmiti. En azndan yle birka gn, greyfurtmu, portakalm/ kabuklu meyve grmek istemediimi biliyordum. Tabii, meselenin gvdem olduunu da biliyordum; bu kadar takntl olmamam gerektiini de. Ama eer benim kadar imansanz, gvde, kafanzdaki takntdan daha fazla bir ey haline gelir. Sanki/ sanki iinde yaadnz, havasn soluduunuz mekn oluverir, ait

whiskers on her chin.'Nonsense,' she whispered.'Everyone knows that white is soon soiled.'Then she emptied bowl of pigeon feed over the young girl. The pigeons descended on the feed in a black cloud. I didnt say anything to B-C, but my dream had left me irritable. I didnt want to see fruit with peels, whether it was grapefruit or oranges, for at least a few days. Of course, I knew that my body was the problem; this is all. Of course, I knew that the problem was my body; and also that I shouldnt be so obsessed about it. But when youre as fat as I am, your body becomes magnified in your mind. As if/ as if what you live within, the air you breathe, becomes a place, a place to which you belong. And a person cant easily leave behind a place to which she belongs. In any event it was I who had been making touching speeches to the children at the nursery about the inner person being more important than the outer person. I told them that their appearance was of no importance at all. They sat and listened very calmly; without making a sound or any comic gestures. They werent all that interested in what I had to say. They kept turning around to look out the window. That morning wed all sprayed the classroom windows with fake snow; wed made snowmen with carrot noses, shrub brooms and coal eyes. It was nice. Their minds were still on the windows. Only one of them, a likeable, freckled, curly-haired boy, didnt take his eyes off me for a moment and listened carefully to what I said as he was picking his nose. I knew this little boys family. He had a very young, curly-haired mother. The woman had told the I III Iih ry herself. Theyd been married five years, and aftei tlio ton w** m they wanted to have daughters. They did; but the little gn I H me from birth.The woman couldnt hold back her tears when her iih itlierin-law likened the girl to a threelegged goat. But there was h< >pe, thats what the doctors had said. Because the girl was still very *ni ill they couldnt operate.The doctors said that later on, when

olduunuz mekn. Ve insan ait olduu mekn kolay kolay terk edemez. Oysa daha birka gn evvel kreteki ocuklara, insann dnn 145 deil iinin nemli olduuna dair dokunakl nutuklar atan bendim. Grnlerinin hibir nemi olmadn sylemitim onlara. Sakin sakin oturup dinlemilerdi; ses karmadan, komiklik yapmadan. Sylediklerim pek umurlarnda deildi. Dnp dnp pencerelere bakyorlard. Sabah hep birlikte spreylerle kar yadrmtk snfmzn pencerelerine; burunlar havutan, sprgeleri aldan, gzleri kmrden, kardan adamlar yapmtk. Ho olmutu. Akllar hl pencerelerdeydi. Sadece ilerinden biri/ illi, sevimli, kzl sal bir olan, gzlerini benden bir an bile ayrmadan dikkatle dinlemiti sylediklerimi. Dinlerken, durmadan burnunu kartrmt. Ailesini tanyordum bu kk olann. Gencecik, kzl sal bir annesi vard. Kadn kendisi anlatmt. Be senelik evlilerdi ve olandan sonra bir de kzlar olsun istemilerdi. Olmutu da; ama kk kz doutan sakatt. Kadn, kaynanasnn onu ayakl olak douran uursuz bir hayvana benzettiini anlatrken gzyalarn tutamamt. Ama mit vard, yle demiti doktorlar. ocuk henz ufak olduu iin ameliyat edilemiyordu. leride, yeterince bydnde, ameliyatla dzelme ans olduunu sylemiti doktorlar. Anne baba kk kza bir ey belli etmemek iin ellerinden geleni yapyordu. Olana da sk sk tembih etmilerdi. Kardeinin sakatln yzne vuracak bir ey yaparsa daya yerdi. Ama anlalan byle bir tembihe gerek yoktu. Kadn, olunun iine kapank bir ocuk olduunu ama kz kardeine her zaman sevecen davrandn sylemiti. Yani imdilik bir sorun yoktu nk kk kz evinden dar kmyor, ailesinden baka kimseyi grmyordu. Ama biraz daha bydnde, dar kmak istediinde, bakalarnn gzlerinden kendini grdnde/ Ben, spreyle kar yadrdmz pencerelerin nnde dikilip, insanlarn nasl grndklerinin

she \v is older, there was a chance they could operate. The mother and I .idler did everything they could not to let the little girl understand lli> situation. They also cautioned the boy constantly. He would lluve been beaten if hed done anything to throw the girls handicap in her face. But there was no need to warn the boy.The woman said ill it the boy was closed within himself but always behaved lovingly Inwards his sister. Until now there had been no problem because ilie little girl never left the house, and no one outside the family . er saw her. But now she was a litde older, and she wanted to go utside, she would see herself through the eyes of others/ While I was standing in front of the snow-sprayed windows, Jking about how peoples appearances were not important, the tin kled, loveable, curly-haired boy looked deep into my eyes and pu ked his nose. At another time this would have made me angry, ind I dont know why but I preferred to pretend I didnt see. Then it was time for lunch. The children sat at the round table and ate their kofte and potatoes, but because I was on a diet I didnt touch II ly plate. I just drank milk. One glass of milk. When I turned my head I saw that the freckled, loveable, curly-haired boy was watching me from a distance. With a faint smile he brought his finger to his nose, but instead of picking his nose as usual, he began to pretend to comb his upper lip with his finger. Without taking his eyes off me, he repeated this gesture until he was sure I understood what he wanted to say. The milk Id been drinking had left a moustache on my lip. This is what hed been trying to tell me. Immediately I wiped the moustache off. When I turned my head again, the freckled, loveable curly-haired boy wasnt watching me any more. 17C ELIF SHAFAK To tell the truth, the nursery made me nervous. I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, and I couldnt breathe easily until I was back at the Hayalifener Apartments. I liked being at home.

nemi olmadn anlatrken, illi, sevimli, kzl sal olan gzmn iine baka baka burnunu kartrmt. Baka zaman olsa kzar kprrdm ama neden bilmem o anda grmemezlikten gelmeyi tercih etmitim. Sonra yemek saati gelmiti. ocuklar yuvarlak masalanna dizilip kftepatateslerini yemi, bense rejimde olduum iin tabama dokunmamtm. Sadece st imitim. Bir bardak st. Bam evirdiimde illi, sevimli, kzl sal olann uzaktan dikkatle bana baktn grmtm. Belli belirsiz bir glmsemeyle elini burnuna doru gtrm ama her zamanki gibi burnunu kartrmak yerine, parmaklaryla dudann st ksmn tarar gibi yapmaya balamt. Gzlerini zerimden ayrmadan, ben ne de146 mek istediini anlayncaya kadar bu hareketi yapmay srdrmt. tiim st dudamn zerinde byk brakmt. Bana bunu anlatmaya alyordu. Hemen bym silmitim. Tekrar bam evirdiimde, illi, sevimli, kzl sal olan bana bakmyordu artk. Dorusu kre beni tedirgin ediyordu. Oradayken vaktin bir an nce gemesini istiyor ve ancak Hayalifener Apartmanna dndmde rahat bir soluk alabiliyordum. Evde olmay seviyordum. keif: Daha evvel grlmemi diyarlar ilk gren insanlar olmak arzusuyla, yzlerce kif yelken amt karanlk sulara. Ama zamanla kefedilmedik yer brakmadlar dnyada. Evde rahattm, darda hi olamadm kadar rahat. Gazetelerin, kitaplarn, resimlerin gnbegn oald, yzlerce fotorafn geliigzel sald bu vr zvr cennetini; hibir eyann sabit bir yerde durmamasn ve mecburiyetsizlii; darnn gzlerinden saklanabilmeyi, mahremiyeti, mahremiyetimizi seviyordum. Be-Ce'nin Nazar Szl'ne malzeme yapt te beriyle gnden gne daha da karmaklaan bu paralanmlkta rahat ediyordum. Hayalifener Apartmann seviyordum. Bir de sk sk elektrik ke-silmeseydi/ kimlik: Tak tak tak. "Kim o?" diye seslenmi ierideki. "Benim," demi dardaki. "Ben diye birini tanmyorum," demi ierideki. "Nasl olur?" demi dardaki. "Nasl unutursun Ben'i.

kesif (discovery): Hundreds of voyages of discovery were launched on the dark waters out of the desire to be the first to see as yet unseen lands. But in time there were no undiscovered lands left in the world. At home Im comfortable, more comfortable than I ever am outside. I loved the newspapers, books and pictures that accumulated day by day, the hundreds of photographs that are scattered willy-nilly throughout this heaven; that no piece of furniture has a fixed or obligatory place; the ability to hide from outside eyes, the privacy, the intimacy I was comfortable with the confusion created by the daily accumulation of material for B-Cs Dictionary of Gazes. I liked the Hayalifener Apartments. If only there werent such frequent electricity cuts/ kimlik (identity): Knock knock knock. 'Who's there?' asked the person inside. 'It's me,' answered the person outside. 'I don't know anyone called Me,'said the person inside.'How could that be?'asked the person outside.'How could you forget Me? Take one look and you'll remember.' The face of the person inside clouded. 'Leave here at once,' she whispered in a trembling voice.'My husband will be coming home soon. I belong to him now.' Me took one last look at the brightly painted house with the frilly curtains and smoke drifting from the chimney. He'd slept on the mosque porch that night.Towards morning the congregation arrived for prayers. Me thought silently of Us. He had to see her one more time. Judging from the frequency with which the Hayalifener Apartments were left in darkness, the electric company must have had a grudge against us. Whenever the electricity was cut we would go to the windows and, without rancour, look at the showy lights of the THE ( A/ It lashless-eyed houses all along the hill. There was nothing tii.n t he building supervisor, for whom this was a matter of pride, had not done, no one he hadnt tried to persuade or flatter, no hand he had

Bir kere bak, hemen hatrlarsn." Yz bulutlanm ieridekinin, sesi titremi. "Git buradan," diye fsldam. "Kocam gelir birazdan. Artk ona aitim." Ben, son bir kez bakm bacasndan duman tten, frfrl perdeli, a boyal eve. Gidecek bir yeri yokmu. Cami avlusunda uyumu o gece. Sabaha kar namaza gelmi cemaat. Ben, Biz'e karm sessizce. Bir daha onu gren olmam. Elektrik idaresinin bize bir garezi olmalyd ki, Hayalifener Apartman sk sk karanlkta kalyordu. Ne zaman elektriklerimiz kesilse, pencere kenarlarna dizilip gptayla izliyorduk yoku boyundaki ipil gzl evlerin afilli aydnln. Durumu bir gurur meselesi yapan apartman yneticimizin denemedii yol, dkmedii dil, pmedii el kalmam, ama sonu deimemiti. "Basit bir memur hatas, tipik bir ihmal vakas," demilerdi. "yleyse dzeltin," demiti apartman yneticisi. "O kadar basit deil," demilerdi. "Her meselenin bir gemii var. Gemie saygnz yok mu sizin?" Apartman yneticimiz zntsnden yataklara dmt. Gemiiyle vnrd. 147 Elimiz kolumuz balyd. Yetkililerin elindeki fi tarihinden kalma semt haritasnda, tam da Hayalifener Apartmannn olmas gereken yerde, byke bir bataklk vard. Kaytlara baklrsa, bu bataklk bir hayli yalyd; en az bir asr yandayd. "st kabuk, alt clk yara gibi. Hi kuramam ki/ " demiti lafazan belediye memuru. Gene de mitliydi. Batakl kurutmak iin ayrlm denekle meselenin pek yaknda hallolacan sylyordu. Varln tanmadklar bir adrese aksatmadan fatura gnderen elektrik idaresi yetkilileri, durumun samaln kabul ediyordu etmesine de, defalarca dile getirdikleri gibi, "zaten memlekette aksamayan ne vard ki?" Yeni bir harita izilebilirdi geri; pekl dzeltilebilirdi gemite yaplan hata. Batakln oktan kuruyup gittii, yerinde koskoca bir apartmann ykseldii ve bu apartmann isminin de Hayalifener olduu tek tek

left unkissed, but in the end nothing changed. A simple bureaucratic error, a typical case of negligence, they said. Every problem has a past. Dont you have any respect for the past? The building supervisor was bedridden because of his distress. He took pride in his past. Our hands were tied. On the outdated map of the neighbourhood that the authorities were using, there was a swamp where the I layahfener Apartments should have been. According to the records, this swamp was quite old; at least a century old. Its like a wound with a scar on the surface thats festering underneath. It was never drained, said the garrulous civil servant. Yet he was still hopeful. I unds had been appropriated for the draining of the swamp, and it would be taken care of in the near future. The authorities accepted the absurdity of the fact that nothing prevented an electric bill being sent to an address they claimed didnt exist, but as they said so many times, What doesnt go wrong in this country! In truth they could have drawn a new map, or corrected the mistakes on the older map. The fact that the swamp had long since dried up and gone, that in its place a large building had been built and that this building had been named the Hayalifener Apartments, could have made its way into their records. But it was an old neighbourhood, a very old neighbourhood, where morally upright families and freethinking single people frequently lived side-by-side. It was so old that, with false teeth and withered gums, dye in its thinning hair, with a clouding memory that retained nothing but tried to remember its youth in the pitiful manner of a flirtatious old shrew, it reminded everyone else of their youth. The reflection of this beauty that was so much spoken of clutched the yellowing map in her ageing fingers. There was no possibility that she would ever accept a new map. Furthermore, its not a matter of drawing a new map, but of I I II SHAFAK working out how electric cables

geirilebilirdi tutanaklara. Ama, mazbut ailelerle zndk bekrlarn i ie oturduu tarrakas bol bu semt, eski bir semtti, hem de ok eski. ylesine eskiydi ki, porsumu di etleri takma di, ypranm salar boya, bulanm hafzas hatra tutmayan bir acuzenin ackl ivesiyle kaltaklanyordu genliini hatrlayan, genliini hatrlatan herkese. Vaktiyle dillere destan olan gzelliinin aynadaki aksi bellemiti kadid parmaklaryla smsk sarld sararm haritasn. Mmkn yok istemezdi yenisinin kartlmasn. Hem, mesele yeni bir harita kartmakta deil, nasl bir haritaya gre dendii bir trl anlalamayan elektrik kablolarndayd. Galiba bazen, elektrik, Hayalifener Apartmanna uzanan kablolardan geemiyordu. Byle zamanlarda elektriin, aheste revan kt yokuun tepesinde Hayalifener Apartmann grmesiyle, gece vakti gulya-bani grmesine gerisin geri kamas bir oluyordu. O zaman da, yoku boyundaki evlerin aydnl tam tamna iki misline ktndan, evlerinde sakin sakin televizyon izlerken aniden arszlaan ampullerin altnda yzleri safran ans kesilen yoku ahalisi telala atlp, yanmasn diye televizyonlarn kapatmak zorunda kalyordu. Ayn anda Hayalifener Apartman zifiri karanla gmlyordu. "Sanki krk yllk tiryakinin tkanm damar gibi. n tkannca, kan da akamyor haliyle," demiti ayn belediye memuru. "Yokuu kyor, buraya kadar rahat rahat geliyor elektrik, burdan te akamyor zavallm." komu kadn: Komu kadn, hi kapanmayan bir gzdr. Pencere nlerinden, dantel tllerin ardndan, balkon kenarlarndan, duvar diplerin148 den, gzetleme deliklerinden ve bir de, piirip datt aurelerin iinden bakar. Geceleri elektrik kesintileri yznden karanlkta kalmamz yetmezmi gibi, gndzleri de gz gz grmyordu artk. Bir haftadr youn bir sis vard ehirde. Bu arada yneticimiz, elektrikten yana yz glmeyen Hayalifener Apartmannn tepeden trnaa yenilenmeye ihtiyac olduuna karar vermiti. ncelikle daire daire dolap, apartmann d cephesinin

that had been laid according j to a map were so incomprehensible. At times like these, as soon ' as the electricity slowly climbed the hill to visit the Hayalifener Apartments, it saw the ogress of night and went back down. Then, the voltage in the houses further downhill rose so much that people had to turn off their televisions. At the same moment the Hayalifener Apartments were plunged into utter darkness. Its like the clogged veins of a forty-year smoker. Once they clog, the blood doesnt flow any more, said the same municipal employee. It climbs the hill, it comes this far easily enough, but the poor thing doesnt flow past this point. komsu kadin (neighbour-lady): A neighbour-lady is an eye that never closes. They look through curtains and through lace, from the corners of balconies, over walls, through peep holes, and even into the pudding that they cook in order to distribute. It wasnt enough that the electricity cuts left us in the dark at night, we couldnt see anything during the day either. Thered been a thick fog in the city for a week. In the meantime, the building supervisor had decided that the Hayalifener Apartments, upon which electricity does not smile, needed to be restored from top to bottom. First he went from flat to flat, convincing us that the facade should be painted in lively colours that would open our eyes and our hearts. And who knows, perhaps with restoration the Electric Companys attitude to us would change. The painters were working away in the fog. Though B-C didnt really seem quite aware of what was going on around him. In fact it had been a long time since hed taken an interest in anything except the Dictionary of Gazes. We would neither go out in disguise, nor tell each other in the evening what wed done alone during the day as if we had actually done it together, nor did we visit each others dreams. The Dictionary of Gazes was more urgent and more important that anything else. It was as if our relationship grew and

yle canl bir renge brnmesiyle, gzmzn gnlmzn alacana bizleri ikna etmiti. Hem kimbilir, belki yenilendiimizde, Elektrik tdaresi'nin bize kar tavn da deiirdi. Sisin iinde harl harl alyordu boyaclar. Be-Ce ise etrafnda olup bitenlerin pek de farknda grnmyordu. O zaten nicedir Nazar Szl'nden baka hibir eyle ilgilenmiyordu. Artk ne tebdil geziyor, ne gn iinde tek bamza yaptklarmz sanki ikimiz yapmz gibi akamlan silbatan anlatyor, ne de birbirimize rya ziyafetleri ekiyorduk. Her eyden daha acil, her eyden daha nemliydi Nazar Szl. Sanki szlk yeni maddelerle semirdike, ilikimiz de byyp gelimiti. imdi Nazar Szl'nn tkanmaya balad yerde, sevgimizdi amaza giren. korse: Korse bir gz aldatmacasdr. Gvdeyi olduundan ince gsterir. yle hrnlamt ki/ ou zaman evin iinde huzursuz huzursuz dolanyor, sudan bahanelerle tartma kanyordu. Ev fazla scakt, dans fazla souk; yandaki asabi komu televizyonun sesini fazla ayor, alttakilerin ocuu fazla viyaklyor, ynetici kendine fazladan iler aryordu. Ortalk fazla dankt; ya da bu danklk artk ona fazla geliyordu. Kedi fazla ty dkyor, ben fazla soru soruyordum. Her ey, hepimiz fazla geliyorduk. Sadece fazladan bir Nazar Szl maddesi bulduunda, sadece o zaman yatyordu. koza: irkin trtllarn gzelleip ortaya kmadan evvel kimse grmeden iinde deiim geirdikleri korunak. Sis yznden terastan aay seyredemediim, Be-Ce yznden evde huzur bulamadm bir cumartesi gn leden sonrayd. Ayda en az bir kere velilerle retmenleri bir araya getirmenin yararna inanan kre mdiresi bu seferki toplanty hafta sonuna denk getirdiinden, kree gitmem gerekiyordu. Ge kalmtm. Birinci katn merdivenlerinde, vaktiyle hrkamn ipliini d kapnn kilidinden kurtaran 149 yal adamla karlatm. Ftr apkasna tutunan sis, bir azizin hlesi gibi evrelemiti ban.

THE GAZE leveloped with the accumulation of material for the dictionary. ' ">w, at the point when the Dictionary of Gazes had become stuck, mi love entered an impasse. korse (corset): A corset deceives the eyes. It shows the body thinner than it is. IT became so irritable/ Most of the time he paced about It tlessly, picking arguments for the slightest of reasons. The flat w i too warm, it was too cold outside; the irritable next-door in i 'hbours television was too loud, the child upstairs was jumping !> 'lit too much, the supervisor had found he had too much work in 1". It was too messy; or it seemed too messy to him. The cat w i shedding too much fur, I was asking too many questions. I ' i vthing and all of us were too much for him. The only time h< ever calmed down was when he found new material for the I >i< nonary of Gazes. kn/a (cocoon): The refuge in which, unseen by anyone, ugly caterpillars undergo their transformation before becoming beautiful and emerging. >uc Saturday afternoon, I couldnt look down from the balcony l>i 11 ise of the fog, and I couldnt find peace in the house because B -C. I had to go to the nursery because this time the meeting :ii the director arranged at least once a month in the belief that 1 was helpful for the teachers and parents to meet happened to ill on a weekend. I was late. On the stairs I met the elderly man vliod freed me the time the thread from my sweater was caught in lie front door.The fog clinging to his Fedora hat was like a saints li ilo. He gave me a blank look. He didnt recognise me. Presumably i a use of the fog. The fog was pulling layers of leaden curtains tween people. I he fog was so thick I couldnt even see a step in front of me. I i ould only move by feeling my way along. Somehow I managed El.IF SHAFAK to reach the foot of the hill, but further along it was frightening. Frightening because I couldnt see. kor (blind): Once upon a time, a very, very old man lived in a city with golden domes. He was so old

Bo bo bakt bana. Tanmamt. Sis yznden olmalyd. Sis, kat kat kuruni perdeler ekiyordu insanlarn arasna. Sis ylesine youndu ki, birka adm temi dahi gremiyordum. Adm atmadan, ayaklarm sryerek ilerleyebiliyordum ancak. Byle byle yokuun bana kadar gelebildim ama ilerisi rktcyd. rktcyd nk grnmyordu. kr: Vaktiyle, kubbeleri altn bir ehirde, ok ok yal bir adam yaarm. O kadar yalym ki, ne zaman yamur yasa, yzndeki krklklara dolan sular gnlerce buharlamazm. Yann hesabn yapamaz, u dnyada olan biten hibir eyi yadrgamazm. Ne de olsa grd her eyi, daha nce de grm. Bir gn, ehirdeki okullardan birinde korkun bir yangn km. Alevler o kadar hzl yaylm ki, ierdeki ocuklar kurtarmak mmkn olmam. Nihayet yangn sndnde, okul binasndan geriye hibir ey kalmam. Herkes kahrolmu, yal adam hari. "Daha nce de yanmt," demi yal adam "ama o zamanlar hapishaneydi bu bina. erdeki btn mahkmlar yanmt. Bir keresinde de hastalar yanmt ierde. O zamanlar hastaneydi bu bina. Ah bu gzler nice yangnlar grd, bu da bi ey mi!" Yangnda ocuunu kaybeden bir anne fkesinden deliye dnp yal adam talaya talaya kovalam. Gel zaman git zaman, kubbeleri altn ehirde kuraklk balam. nsanlar, bir lokma yiyecek iin birbirlerini boazlarken, yal adam sakin sakin onlar seyretmekteymi. "Daha nce de olmutu," demi. "Tam bahar st ste yamur yz grmemiti bu ehir. Bir keresinde de dman ordular talan etmiti ambarlarmz, gene a kalmtk. Bu gzler nice alar, nice alklar grd. Bu da bi ey mi!" Alktan midesi yapm biri bu laflan duyunca yle fkelenmi ki, yal adam sille tokat dvm. Derken, sava km kubbeleri altn ehirde. Sava uzadka her evden birileri eksiliyormu. Kimsenin azn bak amyormu zntden. Bir tek yal adam, bir tek o konuuyormu durmadan. "Bu gzler nice savalar, katliamlar grd. Bu da bi ey mi!" Askerden dnemeyen

that whenever it rained, water meandered for days through the wrinkles in his face. No one could calculate his age, and nothing that happened in the world came as a surprise to him. Whatever he saw, he'd already seen before. One day, there was a terrible fire in one of the city's schools.The flames spread so quickly that it was impossible to save the children inside. When the fire was finally extinguished, nothing was left of the school building. Everyone was heartsick, except the old man. 'It burned down once before,' said the old man,'But at that time the building was a prison. All of the prisoners inside were burned. And once it was a hospital, and all of the patients burned. How many fires these eyes have seen, this is nothing!' A mother who had lost a child in the fire and who had gone mad with grief threw stones at the old man and chased him away. Many years later, there was famine in the city with golden domes. As people strangled each other for a bite to eat, the old man watched them . calmly.'lt happened before,' he said.'For three springs in a row not a drop of rain fell on this city. And once we were besieged by an invading army, and went hungry again. These eyes have seen so much hunger. This is nothing!' When a hungry man heard these words, he started slapping and kicking the old man. Then a war broke out in the city with golden domes. As the war drew on, every household had lost a member. Everyone was speechless from grief. Only the old man, only he kept talking.'How many wars, how many massacres these eyes have seen.This is nothing!' The bayonet of a young man who had not returned from battle became so angry at these words that it gouged out the old man's eyes. This time the old man shouted in amazement. 'Darkness! Darkness everywhere! This I've never seen before.' THE GAZE He was so surprised by this darkness that he'd never seen before that his tired old heart stopped.

delikanllardan birinin sngs bu szleri iitince yle sinirlenmi ki, yal adamn gzlerini karm. te o zaman yal adam hayretle barm. "Karanlk! Her yer karanlk. Bunu daha nce hi grmemitim." Ve daha nce hi grmedii karanl yle yadrgam, yle yadrgam ki, yal yrei durmu. Aslnda iki ayr yoku vard. Biri biter bitmez teki balad iin, ortada tek bir yoku varm gibi grnyordu. Ve tam da birinin 150 bitip tekinin balad noktada, suyunu kimbilir ne zaman kurutmu eski bir eme duruyordu. st ste yaptrlm afiler, sararm kayp ilanlar, spreyle yazlm sloganlar, karalanm kfrlerle kaplyd zeri. Ama eme gene de buradayd; imdi emelikten km olsa da, vaktiyle ne denli heybetli olduu anlalyordu yakndan baknca, in tuhaf yan, her gn buradan getiim halde, btn bunlar daha nce grmemi, ancak siste adm adm, el yordamyla ilerlemeye alrken fark edebilmitim. Aalarda sis daha youn, adm atmak daha zordu. G bela ilerleyebiliyordum. Nihayet ikinci yokuun dibine vardmda, soluklanmak iin bir duvarn zerine oturdum. Gene ok yorulmu, gene ter iinde kalmtm. Biraz ilerde otobs duraklar beni bekliyordu. Bugn, sisten tr otobsler tenha, trafik arapsa olmalyd. Birden aniden, imdiye kadar hep yapmak istediim ama bir trl yapamadm eyi yapmaya karar verdim. stifa ediyordum. Artk kree gitmeyecektim. imdi hemen Hayalifener Apartmanna dnecek ve canm istemedike de oradan dar kmayacaktm. krebe: Ebe emberin ortasnda durur. Gzleri baldr. (Oyun srasnda sylenen sarklan artr!) Dnte merdivenleri karken, alt kattaki komu kadn telala kapy ap, p torbasn dar brakt. Sonra, koca bir kse aure tututurdu elime. Eve girdiimde Be-Ce'yi ask bir suratla yatakta otururken buldum. Nazar Szl'ne ekleyecek yeni maddeler bulamamaktan ikyet etti. "Niye bu kadar acele ediyorsun ki. Biraz ara verebilirsin," dedim.

\ctuaUy there were two different hills. Because one hill started Where the other finished, from the middle it looked as if it was a ungle hill. And right at the point where one hill finished and the i her began, there was an old fountain that had dried up who knew li> nv many years ago. It was completely covered with bills that had Im ii posted on top of one another, and spray-painted slogans and Ij i kened obscenities. But the fountain was still there; even if it was im longer functioning as a fountain, if you looked at it closely, you mid see in time, and with a little effort, what it had once been. I lie strangest thing was that Id passed this way every day without lecing it, and that I only noticed it when I was struggling to feel my \\ ay step by step through the fog. Below, the fog was thicker, and it was more difficult to walk. I made my way with great difficulty. Finally I made it to the bottom if the second hill, and sat on a wall to catch my breath. Once again I was tired and covered in sweat. A little further along, the bus stops w ere waiting for me. Today, because of the fog, buses were few and t ir between, and the traffic was badly jammed. Suddenly, I made i decision that until now Id been afraid to make. I was going to II sign. I wasnt going to. go to the nursery. I was going to return to the Hayalifener Apartments right away, and I wasnt going to go out unless I wanted to. korebe (blind-man's bluff):The person who is'it'stands in the middle of the circle, blindfolded. (Research songs sung during the game!) As I was climbing the stairs on my return, the downstairs neighbour hurriedly opened her door to put out the trash. Then she thrust a huge bowl of pudding into my hands. When I got home I found B-C sitting on the bed with a long face. He complained about not being able to find any new material ELIF SHAFAK for the Dictionary of Gazes.Why are you in such a hurry? You ca

fkeyle bakt bana ve vurup kafay yatt. Sanki bunaldka, uykuya snyordu. kstebek: Gzleri iyi grmeyen kara hayvan. Neyse ki ok srmedi sis. Bir sabah uyandmzda boyaclar gitmi, sis dalmt. Hayalifener Apartman tepeden trnaa vine rengine boyanmt. Renk seimi yneticimize aitti. Ben bir hayli memnundum bu deiiklikten; Be-Ce ise umursamaz grnyordu. Gene sk sk evden kp gitmeye balamt. Byle zamanlarda Be-Ce'nin nerelere gittiini, neler yaptn merak ediyordum etmesine de, nedense iimde bir his onun buralardan pek de fazla uzaklaamayacan, istese de bu semtten uzun sre ayr kalamayacan sylyordu. Burada, bu kmas zor inmesi zor 151 yokuta ve Hayalifener Apartmannn etrafnda, ben olsam da olmasam da, onu derinden balayan bir eyler vard. Henz btn zamann Nazar Szl'ne ayrmaya balamad ve benimle lak lak etmeye bayld gnlerde, kendi de buna benzer eyler anlatmt. jr "Tpk bir katilin su iledii yere dnmesi gibi," demiti "haf-^ zamzn takntl meknlar vardr. Ryalarmzda bilmeden, gemi / hayatlarmzn, yarm kalmlklarmzn meknlarna gidip gidip geliriz." Ardndan, ylgn bir sesle itiraf etmiti: "Tuhaf olan ne biliyor musun? Ben ryalarmda zaten olduum yerdeyim. Ryalarmda hep Hayalifener Apartmannn etrafnda dolayorum!" kurban: Tek tanrl dinlerden nce neyin kurban edilecei kime kurban verildiine balyd. Antika Yunanllar tanralara dii kurbanlar sunard, tanrlara erkek. Gk tanrlarna ak, yeralt tanrlarna kara, ate tanrlarna kzl renkli kurbanlar verilirdi. Arapa krb kknn de ifade ettii gibi, kurban, "yakn olma" anlamna gelmektedir./ Kuran'a gre tam Hz. brahim'in olunu kesecei esnada, Allah gkten bir ko indirmi ve bylelikle insan kurban etme gelenei ortadan kaldrlmtr./ Koun yan sra deve, sr, manda, koyun ve kei de kurban edilmesi caiz hayvanlardandr./ Kesmeden nce kurbann gzleri balanr. te bu yzden, onun eninde sonunda buraya dneceini dnyor,

take a break. I said. He looked at me angrily, then lay his head down and slept. Whenever he was distressed, he fell asleep. kostebek (mole): A land animal whose eyes do not see well. In any event, the fog didnt last long. One morning when I woke up, the painters were gone and the fog had lifted. The Hayalifener Apartments had been painted from top to bottom in a cherry colour. The building supervisor had chosen the colour. I was quite happy about the change; B-C didnt seem to care. Hed started getting up and going out quite frequently again. At times like these I didnt wonder where B-C had gone or what he was doing, because a feeling told me that he couldnt go very far from here, and that he couldnt stay out of the neighbourhood for long. Whether or not it was because of my presence, a deep bond tied him to this place, to the hill that was so difficult to climb and to descend, and to the area around the Hayalifener Apartments. He himself said something like this in the days before he devoted all of his time to the Dictionary of Gazes, when he used to love to chat with me. Its just like a murderer returning to the scene of the crime, he said. There are places that get stuck in our memories. Whether because of our dreams or because of our past lives, there are places that keep drawing us back. Then, in a frightened voice, he confessed: Do you want to know something strange? Im already in the place that I visit in my dreams. In my dreams Im always wandering around near the Hayalifener Apartments! kurban (sacrificial victim): Before monotheism, what was to be sacrificed was bound to whom it was being sacrificed to. In Ancient Greece, female animals were sacrificed to goddesses, and male animals were sacrificed to gods. White animals were sacrificed to the gods of the sky, black animals to the subterranean gods, and red animals to the god of fire. I Ml Kurban comes from the Arabic krb, which means 'being close According to the Koran, when Abraham was

tasalanmyordum. Zaten artk kayglarmdan kurtulmaya balamtm. Be-Ce yokken kocaman bir gnelik satn almtm terasa. rtkan, mor bir gnelik. Altna da ayn renkten bir ezlong. Kreteki iimi braktmdan beri, ufak tefek alveriler dnda evden dar kmadm iin, bakalarnn gzleriyle boumak zorunda kalmyordum. Kimse tarafndan grlmemek yle gzeldi ki! Keyfim yerindeydi. Artk eytan trnaklarm yemiyor, olur olmadk kayglara kaplmyordum. Hem tuhafma, hem de houma giden bir kaytszla gmlyordum gnbegn. stelik, kilo da veriyordum. kuruna dizilenler: Kuruna dizilenlerin gzlerini balar kuruna dizenler. Be-Ce gnler sonra nihayet dndnde, ac ikolata karas gzlerini ksarak yle bir bakt terasa. Yanma gelmedi. Benimle iki ift laf etmedi. Bilgisayar ap, Nazar Szl'nn bana geti hemen. t kmyordu ieriden. Artk tkezlemeye baladnn, eskisi gibi yazamadnn farkndaydm. Ama madem yardm etmemi istemiyordu, yardm etmeye kalkmayacaktm ben de. O ieride debelenedur152 sun, ben kendi kk keyif lemimde rahattm. Mor gneliimin altnda, mor ezlonguma uzanp, yokutan inip kanlar seyrediyor; bir yandan diyet kolam hprdetirken, bir yandan da gbeimden hangisinin daha abuk eriyeceini tahmin etmeye alyordum. kide bir, verdiim kilolar hesaplyordum. Her hesaplaymda bir gram daha eksilecekmiim gibi, dnp dnp yeniden hesaplyordum. imdiye kadar tam dokuz buuk kilo vermitim. Geri halanm kabak grnce midem azma geliyor, eskisinden ok daha abuk yoruluyor ve ciddi ciddi alk ekiyordum ama olsun! Azimliydim. kurun dkme: Eritilmi kurunun souk suya dklmesiyle peydahlanan ekillerden mana kartlmas. Kiinin bana, gbeine, ayaklarna ya da odann sa kesine veya kap eiine dklen kurun eer gz biimi alrsa, nazar var demektir. Gzlerini grdmde hissetmitim

about to sacrifice his son, God sent him a ram, and in this way the tradition of human sacrifice was ended/ In addition to rams, camels, cattle, water buffalo, sheep and goats are acceptable sacrificial animals/ The animal's eyes are bound before they are killed. I didnt worry because I knew that in the end he would think of coming back here. In any event I was starting to get over my mxieties. When B-C was out I bought a huge sunshade for the i errace. A loud, purple sunshade. With a chaiselonge of the same i olour underneath it. Because, except for a few small shopping trips, I hadnt gone outside since I left my job, I hadnt had to be strangled l>\ other peoples eyes. It was so nice not to be seen by anyone! I s .is in good spirits! I no longer chewed my cuticles, and I was no longer constantly seized by anxiety. And, strangely, but pleasantly, I was daily drifting deeper into indifference. On top of this, I was also losing weight. kursuna dizilenler (members of a firing squad): The members of a firing squad bind the eyes of the person who is to be shot. When B-C finally came back days later, he squinted his bitterII u u olate eyes at the terrace. He came to my side. He didnt say two \< 'ids to me. He turned on the computer and went to work on the I >ictionary of Gazes at once. Not a sound came from inside. I was w are that he was struggling, and that he wasnt able to write the v i\ he used to. But since he didnt want my help, I wasnt going to it to help. Let him thrash about inside while I lay comfortably in It is small world of pleasure. Under my purple sunshade, stretched But on my purple chaise-longe, I watched people going up and <1 'U 11 the hill; I slurped diet cola and tried to guess which of my II rce bellies was melting faster. I constantly calculated how much v i! ,lit Id lost. I kept calculating as if each time I calculated there I LIF SHAFAK would be a few grams less. To tell the truth, my stomach heaved when I saw boiled squash, and I tired more

kt bir eyler olacan. Orada, teras kapsnn eiinde durmu, daha nce hi bakmad gibi bakyordu bana. Belki bir saat kadar bilgisayarn banda bo bo oturduktan sonra, bulamad kelimenin, kuramad cmlenin ya da balayamad hikyenin acsn karmak iin barp arm, ortal birbirine katmt. Yaptm ay imemi, sakinlesin diye sarf ettiim szlere burun kvrmt. Ben de tekrar terasa dnm ve bir daha onunla ilgilenmemitim. Benim iin hl keyifli bir gnd. eri girip onunla beraber kendimi paralamaya niyetim yoktu. Mor gneliin kenarlar, akam rzgrnda tatl tatl oynayordu. Vakit epey ilerlemiti. Aniden, garip bir rpertiyle bam evirdiimde, BeCe oradayd. Teras kapsnn eiinde dikilmi beni izliyordu. zlenmekten nefret ettiimi gayet iyi bildii halde, kimbilir ne zamandan beri sabit gzlerle beni izliyordu. "Bakyorum keyfin yerinde," dedi puslu bir sesle. Glmsemeye altm ama tedirginliimi saklayamadm. Gzlerinden alamyordum gzlerimi. Gzleri o kadar tuhaft ki/ Gzleri her zaman tuhaft ama imdi/ imdi tanmsz olmutu. Gzleri donuk bir perde gibi aramza ekilmiti. Ve bu perde ne onu grmeme, ne de onun beni nasl grdn anlamama izin veriyordu. Susup, ieri gitmesini bekledim. Ama o kalp, konumaya devam etti. "Koca cssenle yeterince dikkat ekiyordun zaten. Bi de byle crtlak renkli gneliin altna geince, ta yokuun bandan bile grlyor olmalsn!" Bazen tepetaklak olur yrek. Aheste revan giderken kendi yolunda, gs kafesine toslar kttedek. Yzst kapaklanverir yere. Bir 153 yerlerinin fena halde knldn hisseder kalkmaya yeltenip de kalkamadn grdnde. zerini yoklar ama dandan belli olan bir yara filan bulamaz. Haykrr vargcyle: "Derhal kmam gerek. kmam gerek!" Zar zor dorulur, alaya szlaya saldnr kafesinin demirlerine. Ve nihayet gs kafesinden kurtulmay baardnda, ne yne gideceini kestiremeden bakakalr nsra uzanan yollara; daha evvel ayak basmad

easily than before, and I was very, very hungry, but so be it. I was determined! kursun dokme (pouring lead):To ascribe meaning to the shapes that appear when molten lead is poured into cold water. If lead poured on a person's head, belly, feet or in the right corner of the room or in the doorway takes the form of an eye, this means that the evil-eye has been cast. When I saw his eyes I knew that something bad was going to happen. He stood there in the terrace doorway, looking at me in a way Id never seen him look before. After hed been sitting at the computer for an hour without being able to work, he started to shout in order to relieve the frustration of the word he hadnt been able to find, or the sentence he hadnt been able to finish, or the story he hadnt been able to tie together. He didnt drink the tea I made him, and wrinkled his nose at the things I said to try to calm him. I went back out to the terrace and didnt pay any more attention to him. For me it was still a pleasant day. I had no intention of going inside and sharing his misery. The edges of the purple sunshade were playing sweetly in the evening breeze. Quite some time had passed. Suddenly, a strange shiver passed through me, and when I turned my head there was B-C. He was standing in the terrace doorway, watching me. Who knew how long he had been standing there watching me, knowing how much I hate being watched. I see youre in good spirits, he said in a hazy voice. I tried to smile but couldnt hide my uneasiness. I couldnt take my eyes off his eyes. His eyes were so strange/ His eyes had always been strange, but now/ now theyd become unknowable. His eyes were like a dim curtain that had been drawn between us. And this curtain allowed me neither to see him or to see how he saw me. I waited for him to stop talking and go back inside. But he stayed, and continued talking. As if your huge body didnt already attract 184 Till (. A / I

topraklara. Yollar yollara karr. Sular bulanr. Elmas bir gzdr yrek. Ve izilmeyegrsn bir kere, artk hep sedefsi bir yrtkla bakacaktr cmle leme. Kyklop: Kykloplar tek gzl devlerdi. Kocaman maaralarda yaar; obanlk yapp meyve sebze yetitirirlerdi. Odysseus ve adamlar bir Kyklop'un maarasna girdiler. Kp kp peynir, f f su, tulum tulum st, lp lop et, salkm salkm zm buldular. Derken Kyklop geldi. Bir kulandan br kulana kadar uzanan tek bir kan altnda, kocaman tek bir gz vard. Odysseus'un adamlarndan iki tanesini orackta yedi. Ertesi gn iki denizciyi daha indirdi mideye ve bu her gn byle devam etti. Bir gece Odysseus, koca Kyklop'u sarho etti. Kyklop sarho olunca Bir'i ki grmeye balamt. Oysa sadece bir tane gz vard ve dnyay ift grmeye alkn deildi. Bu sayede Odysseus, onu ldrmekte zorluk ekmedi. Be-Ce ieri girdi, ben kalakaldm terasta. Koca cssemle mor glgeliin altnda. Gnein batmasn, bulutlann telef olmasn, ayn kmasn, yldzlann oalmasn ve btn bunlar olurken, nasl olup da hl hareketsiz kalabildiimi seyrettim. Canm yanyordu. Lodos esiyordu. Lodos estike harlanyordu ate. nce bir kvlcm, sonra bir yalm derken, ahdimizdi cayr cayr yanan. Be-Ce ile benim bir ahdimiz vard, hibir zaman sze dkmediimiz. Birbirimizin grn hakknda syleyeceimiz ne varsa, birbirimizi ilk grdmz gn dile getirmitik. O andan itibaren BeCe, grnm hakknda tek kelime etmemiti. O andan itibaren ben, Be-Ce'nin grn hakknda tek kelime etmemitim. Bu konuda bir daha konumaymzn sebebi, birbirimizi incitmekten ekinmemiz deildi. Konuacak bir ey yoktu nk biz bize olduumuzda, byle bir meselemiz kalmyordu. Her ikimiz de, dardayken tadmz sfatlann olanca naholuuna ramen, alabildiine hotuk evimizin mahremiyetinde. Ve csselerimizin kalplan ne olursa olsun, su gibi akkan, su kadar deikendik birbirimizin gznde. te bu sayede, Be-Ce'ye nasl grndm hibir zaman dert etmemitim kendime. Hayalifener

enough attention. With a sunshade of this colour Ill bet you can be seen all the way from the bottom of the hill! Sometimes the heart turns upside down. As it makes its own way slowly, it bumps against the cage of the chest. It feels itself badly broken somewhere depending whether it managed to rise or not. It will examine itself but will not be able find a wound that is apparent from outside. It will shout at the top of its voice. I have to get out immediately. I have to get out!Weeping and moaning it will shake the bars of its cage. And when finally it succeeds in breaking free of the cage of the chest, it will stand looking at the roads stretching in front of it, uncertain of which direction to take; ground as yet not trodden. The roads will become confused with one another. The waters will become cloudy. The heart is a diamond eye. If it is scratched once, it will always look at the world through a motherof-pearl-like crack. Kyklop (Cyclops): Cyclops are giants with one eye.They live in enormous caves; they herd sheep and grow fruits and vegetables. Odysseus and his men entered a Cyclops cave.They found wheels and wheels of cheese, barrels and barrels of water, mounds and mounds of meat, and bunches and bunches of grapes. Suddenly the Cyclops arrived. Under a single eyebrow that stretched from ear to ear, he had a single, enormous eye. He ate two of Odysseus' men right then and there.The next day he swallowed two more sailors, and each day from then on he did the same. One night Odysseus made the huge Cyclops drunk. When the Cyclops became drunk, he began to see double. Because he had only one eye he wasn't accustomed to seeing the world double. At this point Odysseus had little trouble killing him. B-C went inside, and I stayed out on the terrace.With my enormous body, under the purple sunshade. I watched the sunset, and the death of the clouds, and the rising of the moon, and the thickening of the stars, and all the while I wondered

Apartmannn teras katnda, baka hibir yerde bulama154 dm huzuru bulmu; -i--k-o'nun harflerinin arlndan kurtulmutum. Ben burada hafiflemitim. Ve belki de bu sayede, mr hayatmda ilk defa, gerekten kilo vermeyi baarabilmitim. Diyet kolay bitirip, ar hareketlerle ezlongtan kalktm. Gz ap kapayncaya kadar buzdolabnn nne varmtm. Lamia: Lamia, kafas insan bacaklar eek olan bir canavara dnmeden nce, gzellii dillere destan bir kadnm. Zeus onunla pek ok kez sevimi. O da her seferinde Zeus'tan hamile kalm. Ne var ki kskan Hera, Lamia'nn her yeni doan bebeini ldrm. Lamia ocuklar yaayan btn kadnlardan nefret ediyormu. Geceleri bu nefretle kvrandndan uyuyamyormu. O zaman da gidip bakalarnn ocuklarn karyor ve onlar yiyormu. Nihayet Lamia'ya acyan Zeus, geceleri onun gzlerini karp, yatann yanma koymakta bulmu areyi. Lamia ancak o zaman uyuya-biliyormu. Gece oldu mu, o bir tarafta uyuyormu, gzleri bir tarafta. Kapy atm. Ik yand. Ikla beraber gelen o koku, souun ve yiyeceklerin elbirliiyle oluturduklan o baygn koku yzm okad. Buzdolab scack glmsyordu. "Bunca zaman nerelerdeydin?" dedi sitemle. "Geldim," dedim. "Gene geldim." makyaj: Makyaj przleri, lekeleri grnmez klar. lk rafta birka eit peynir vard. Henz almam byke bir beyaz peynir kalb, irice bir dilim eski kaar, kenarlan kf balam yanm paket taze kaar, bir kutu krem peynir, biraz da tulum. Btn peynirleri kartp dizdim nme. Ayn rafta zeytin ezmesi vard bir de. Ekmei boydan boya ikiye blp, arasna bolca zeytin ezmesi srdm. Bir elimde zeytin ezmeli ekmek, bir elimde beyaz peynir kalb, bir ondan snyordum bir tekinden. Yerken yalnz olmalydm, gzlerden uzakta. Bu, mahrem bir buhrand ya da pis bir sr, benimle yediklerim arasnda. Buzdolabnn yanna meldim. abucak bitti ekmek. Beyaz peynirin geri kalann

how I had managed to ELIF SHAFAK still be motionless. I was burning up. The Lodos was blowing. As the Lodos grew stronger my fever raged. It was our pledge to each other that was burning up. B-C and I had made an unspoken pledge to each other. What we would say about each others appearance was decided the day we first saw each other. From that moment on B-C hadnt said a word about my appearance. From that moment on I hadnt said a word about B-Cs appearance. Neither of us said anything more about the subject because we had no reason to. And both us found the privacy of our house pleasant, despite the unpleasantness of the roles we were burdened with outside. And whatever the forms of our bodies, we were as fluid and as mutable as water in each others eyes. For this reason I had never once troubled myself about how I looked to B-C. On the top floor of the Hayalifener Apartments Id found a peace Id never found elsewhere; I was free of the weight of the letters f-a-tt-y. I became lighter here. And perhaps this was why, for the first time in my life, Id actually succeeded in losing weight. I finished my diet cola and struggled out of the chaise-longe. In the blink of an eye I was in front of the refrigerator. Lamia: Before Lamia became a monster with a human head and the legs of a donkey, she was a woman whose beauty was much spoken of. Zeus had made love to her many times. And each time, she became pregnant by Zeus. And the jealous Hera killed each of the babies Lamia gave birth to. Lamia hated all women whose children were living.She couldn't sleep at night for writhing with this hatred.Then she would go and kidnap the children of others and eat them. Finally Zeus pitied Lamia, and found the solution of taking out her eyes at night and laying them beside her bed. Then Lamia was able to sleep. As soon as night fell, she slept on one side while her eyes slept on the other. I opened the door. The light came on. With the light came the smell,

ekmeksiz yedim ben de. Kaarlar ve tulumda daha isteksizdim ama ok gemeden onlar da tkendi. kinci rafta yarm kangal acl sucuk buldum. Sucuu eritme peynirine bana bana ikisini de bitirdim. O kadar hzl yiyordum ki, haftalardr rejim yapa yapa ufalm midem afallamaya frsat bile bulamamt henz. Midem neler olup bittiini anlamaya aladursun, kimbilir ne vakit marketten alnm yaprak sarmalar iliti gzme. Pirinleri takr takr kurumu, yapraklan donuk bir 155 |L|^| renge brnmt. Hepsini yarm yarm srp braktm. Derken, arkalarda duran kseyi fark ettim. Komu kadnn verdii aureydi bu. Ben rejim yaptm iin yememitim; BeCe de unutmu olmalyd. Aurenin st kabuk tutmutu. Kabuu kaldrnca altndan sr sepet frlayverdi nohutlar, pirinler, incirler, nar taneleri, fasulyeler. Kalabalktlar ama yeterince ok deildiler. Aure de bitince, greyfurttan baka bir ey kalmamt buzdolabnda. Haftalardr temel gdalarmdan biri olan greyfurt, u anda yemek istediim en son eydi. Kalkp mutfak dolaplarn boaltmaya baladm. Yars yenmi bir paket cips buldum bir kenarda. Bayatt ama bunun nemi yoktu. Ardndan, iki balk konservesi geti elime. Biri rejim yapanlar iindi; az yal. kisini de bitirdim. Tkanyordum artk. Arada durup, boazma taklanlar daha rahat yutabilmek iin st iiyordum, kedinin stn. Herhalde kreteki ocuklar byle lkr lkr st iiimi grseler, gene kkr kkr glerlerdi halime. Ama imdi ne onlar hatrlamak, ne de baka bir ey dnmek istiyordum. Sadece ve durmadan yiyordum. Yerken hibir ey hissetmiyordum. Tad yoktu yediklerimde. Tad aramyordum zaten. Aslolan yemekti u anda, ne yediim deil. Yediklerimden hibiri bir tekinden daha lezzetli deildi. ster eki olsun, ister ac yahut tatl, aynyd btn yiyeceklerin tad. Dolaplardan birinde, kk k paketlerde, pastane yapm anasonlu rekler, cevizli kurabiyeler ve tuzlu kuru pastalar buldum. Hepsini de vaktiyle ben alm, rejime balaynca

a smell that was a mixture of cold and food, and that stroked THE c;a/.i iny face. The refrigerator was smiling warmly. Where have you been all this time? it asked reproachfully Ive come, I said. Ive come back. makyaj (make-up):The roughness of make-up renders stains invisible. On the first shelf there were several kinds of cheese. There was a big, unopened container of white cheese, a fat wedge of aged kasar, a half package of fresh kasar that was getting hard around the edges, a tub of cream cheese, and some tulum. I took out all of the cheese and lined it up in front of me. On the same shelf there was also some olive paste. I cut a loaf of bread lengthways down the middle and spread lots of olive paste on it. I ate alternately of the bread and olive paste in one hand and the block of white cheese in the other. When I ate I had to be alone, and away from peoples eyes. It was an intimate crisis, or rather a dirty secret between me and what I ate. I squatted down next to the refrigerator. I finished the bread very quickly. I ate the rest of the white cheese without bread. I didnt really want the kasar or the tulum but they too were consumed before long. On the second shelf I found half of a spicy sausage. I finished this and the rest of the cheese. I was eating so quickly that my stomach, which had shrunk from weeks of dieting, didnt even have the chance to be taken aback. While my stomach was still trying to understand what was happening, my eyes fell upon some stuffed grape-leaves. The rice had all dried out and the leaves had turned a pale colour. I left them all half-eaten. Suddenly, I noticed a bowl at the back of the fridge. This was the pudding the neighbour had given me. I hadnt eaten it because I was on a diet, and B-C must have forgotten about it. A crust had formed on top of the pudding. When I lifted the crust, I saw the chick-peas, and rice, and figs, and pomegranate pieces, and beans. There were a lot of them, but not too many. When Id finished the pudding, there was nothing but

yarm brakmtm. Bayatlamlard oktan, ama nemi yoktu. Hl gzel grnyorlard. Onlar da yedikten sonra, Be-Ce'nin sevdii fndkl gofretlere geldi sra. O arada bir de, ta ne zamandan kalma baharatl sar leblebilerle dolu bir kesekd geti elime. Ben mutfakta paketleri birer birer boaltrken, ieriden tkr tkr sesler geliyordu. Daha birka saat nce sinirlerine hkim olamayp pataklad klavyenin salam kalan tularnda inatla geziniyordu BeCe' nin parmaklan. Israrla devam ediyordu Nazar Szl'n yazmaya. Nefret ediyordum bu sesten. Bitirdiim paketleri buruturup attm. masa alt: ocuklar, evcil hayvanlar, bir de herhangi bir sebepten tr gkyzyle derdi olanlar, gzlerden kaabilmek iin masa altlarna kaarlar. Derken birden, sonuncu dolab kartrrken, onu buldum karmda. ikolata! 156 yle nefis kokuyordu ki/ Cicili bicili ambalajnn ardndan, smsk sarnd parlak kt da yrtlnca, mahcup bir edayla glm-seyiverdi kahverengi plaklnda. te karmdayd ikolata! Bana en yasak olan. nk eer benim kadar imansanz ve nice rejimden sonra gene rejim yapmaktaysanz, yle reklamlardaki gibi hmm ii deil, hn iidir ikolata yemek. ikolatadan tek bir srk alnca, rejim yapan kiinin onca zamandr zar zor sarabildii irade makaras, kendiliinden zlverir. Artk, kaan ipleri geri sarmak iin ok getir. nk ikolata yedikten sonra, her ey yenilebilir. Nasl ki, bir kez en habis gnah ilemi bir gnahkr, bundan sonra ileyecei irili ufakl kabahatlerinden zerre kadar znt duymazsa, her nevi yiyecek de mubah saylacaktr bir kutu ikolatay mideye indirdikten sonra. merak: Gerdek gecesinin sabahnda, karsn dizlerine oturtmu ehzade. "Dilediince gez," demi "dilediince yaa bu krk odal sarayda. Lakin, sakn ola krknc kapy amaya alma, krknc kapnn kilidini zorlama!" "Sen nasl istersen," demi gen kadn munis bir ifadeyle. Kocas dar kar kmaz elinde bir tomar anahtarla krknc odann

grapefruits left in ELIF SHAFAK the refrigerator. For weeks the grapefruit had been my main staple, and at the moment it was the last thing I wanted to eat. I got up and started to empty the kitchen cabinets. I found a half-eaten packet of crisps in a corner. They were stale, but this didnt matter. Next, I came across two tins of tuna fish. One was for people who were dieting; low fat. I finished both of them. I was stuffed. From time to time I stopped and washed down the food in my throat with milk. As I ate I felt nothing. What I ate had no taste. But then I wasnt looking for taste. At the moment what was important was food, not what I ate. Nothing I ate tasted any better than anything else. Everything tasted the same whether it was sweet or sour or spicy. In one of the cupboards I found a fancy box, from a patisserie, full of anise cakes and walnut biscuits. Id bought them a long time ago, and had left them half-finished when I started my diet. Theyd long since gone stale, but this didnt matter. They still looked good. After eating them, it was time for B-Cs favourite hazelnut wafers. Then I came across a paper cone filled with spiced, yellow roasted chickpeas. As I was emptying the packets one by one in the kitchen, I heard typing sounds from inside. Having mastered his nerves some hours ago, B-C was pounding stubbornly on the keys. He was determined to continue with the Dictionary of Gazes. I hated this sound. I crumpled up the empty packets and threw them away. masa alti (under the table): Children, domestic animals and others who for whatever reason have problems with the sky, flee under the table in order to hide from eyes. Suddenly, as I was rummaging through the last cupboard, I found it. Chocolate! It smelled so lovely/ as its bright, tight foil wrapping was ripped open, the dark chocolate smiled coyly. This was chocolate! That which was most forbidden to

nnde alm soluu. Mide bir masal diyardr. Hudut boylarn ikolatadan muhafzlar bekler. Muhafzlar yiyince, hibir engel kalmaz rejimi bozann nnde. Usuz bucaksz ve yasaksz bir lemin kaplan alverir hududu geince. Mide bir masal diyardr. Ve o masal diyar boyunca insan ile hayvan, zarif ile kaba, gzel ile irkin, uygar ile vahi, ekici ile iren arasndaki mesafe topu topu bir lokmacktr. O da abucak ham yaplr. maske: Yz olduundan farkl gsteren yz. Artk mutfakta yiyebileceim bir ey kalmamt. Banyoya gittim. Kapy kapattm. Sonra/ birden e kadar saydm iimden. Gvdemle yanyordum imdi. Gvdem, besinleri tp sindiriyor, paralayp istifliyor, z posadan ayryor, badndrc bir hzla alyordu. Ondan daha hzl olmalydm. Yediklerim henz benim, yani ierinin bir paras olmamken; henz tam olarak dandan kopmam, sindirilmemiken; tez davranp bu hummal almay durdurmalydm. Madem ki nasl olsa kusabileceimi bilmenin reha157 vetiyle mideye indirmitim bulduum her eyi, imdi geri kartmalydm btn yediklerimi. mikrop: Gzle grlemeyecek kadar kk ktlk. Kusmaya baladm. model: Praksiteles, fahie Phryne'ye kt ve yzyllar sonra bile insanlar grebilsin diye, onun muhteem gzelliini mermere yonttu. Bundan sonra yapmam gerekenleri ezbere biliyordum. Tkr tkr yerine getirdim hepsini. Sifonu ektim. Azm alkaladm. Klozeti temizledim. Azm alkaladm. Ellerimi sabunladm. Azm alkaladm. Yzm ykadm. Azm alkaladm. Dilerimi fraladm. Azm alkaladm. Aynada kendime baktm. Azm alkaladm. Bitkin grnyordum. Bitkin ve krgn. nk daha hl bir eyler kalmt iimde. Ne kadar urarsam uraaym, yediimden daha azn kusabiliyordum. Bilhassa ikolata paralarnn, bilhassa onlarn midemin sularna demir attklarndan ve yerin alt stne gelirken dahi bir gdm kprdamadklarndan

me. Because if you are as fat as I am, and after so many diets you Ixvf to diet again, eating chocolate isnt the fun it is in advertis( m< mt, hut is something rancorous. With just one bite of chocolate, the will power that the person has with time and effort wrapped around the spool begins to unravel. And its too late to reel it back in. Because after youve eaten chocolate, you can eat anything. Just as a sinner who has once committed the gravest sin considers other sins too insignificant to cause suffering, so any kind of food seems harmless after youve eaten a box of chocolates. merak (curiosity): On the morning after their wedding night, the prince knelt before his wife. 'Wander about as you wish,' he said. 'Live as you wish in this palace of forty rooms. But on no account whatsoever are you to try to open the fortieth door!' 'As you wish/said the young woman with a compliant expression.The moment her husband had gone outside, she was standing in front of the fortieth door with a bunch of keys. I he stomach is a mythical land. Guards made of chocolate wait all along the borders. Once youve eaten the border guards, theres nothing left to prevent you from breaking your diet. When you cross the border you throw open the doors of a world without rules and restrictions. The stomach is a mythical land. And in this mythical land the distance between man and animals, the elegant and the coarse, the beautiful and the ugly, the civilised and the wild, the attractive and the repugnant is a small mouthful. And this is quickly gobbled up. maske (mask): A face that shows the face to be other than what it is. There was nothing left in the kitchen that I could eat. I went to the bathroom. I closed the door. Then counted silently to three. I was living with my body now. My body was grinding and ELIF SHAFAK digesting the nutrients, tearing them into pieces and piling them up, separating the wheat from the

pheleniyordum. Belki biraz daha urarsam/ belki bu sefer kartabilirdim onlar. Tekrar kusmaya baladm. Morpheus: Ryalar tanrs Morpheus, gece ile uykunun biricik oludur, (artr!) Byle balad. Byle balad hayatm eskiye dnmeye, gerisin geri gitmeye. Hayalifener Apartmannda Be-Ce ile birlikteyken, penesinden tamamen kurtulduumu sandm sabk mutsuzluum, imdi tekrar peydahlanmt. stelik, arada kaybettii zaman telafi etmek istercesine hzla palazlanyordu. Her ey eski haline dnyordu. Demek ki her ey gemie dnebiliyor, eski bir trl eskimeyebiliyordu. Be-Ce haklyd. Zaman, illa da dnden bugne, bugnden gelecee uzanan dmdz bir izgide ilerlemiyordu. Zaman kh ileriye, kh geriye gidiyor; bazen yryor bazen duruyor; sarho sarho yalpalyordu. mucizevi gz: ehir kuatma altnda inim inim inlerken, Kutsal Balk Yortusu'nun yannda balk kzartyormu keiin biri. "Ne yapyorsun?" diye barm ahali. "imdi balk kzartmann sras m? Surlar atlar. ehir elden gidiyor." Kei gayet sakinmi. "nsanlarn sylediklerine inanmay brakal 158 ok oldu. Ama eer bu balklar ateten atlarsa, ben de ehrin dtn grm kadar olurum," demi. Bunun zerine balklar yan pimi halde tavadan srayarak, birer birer kutsal kuyuya atlamlar. Birka gn gemeden hastalandm. Btn gn pelte gibi yatyordum. Uyku ile uyanklk arasnda hayal meyal grebiliyordum ne halde olduumu. Be-Ce pervane olmu etrafmda dnyordu. Komodinin zeri tatl uruplar, ac haplarla doluydu. Ateim dmyordu. Srekli uyuyor, sayklyor ve rya gryordum. Yerin yedi kat dibinden tkr tkr sesler geliyor, birileri yattm karyolann demirlerine vuruyordu. Sonradan anladm ki, Be-Ce, gznn nnde olabileyim diye bilgisayar yatak odasna tam, Nazar Szl'n yazmaya yanmda devam ediyordu. Nicedir arad ilham bulmu olmalyd ki, klavyenin tkrtlar kesilmiyordu. nokta: Tek bir nokta gz( J) kr(^ J) edermi. Ryalarmda rengrenk uan balonlar gryordum. Aada

chaff with a mind-boggling speed. I had to be faster than it was. Before what Id eaten had become mine, that is before it has become part of my system; before it was completely cut off from the outside and digested; I had to act at once to stop this feverish process. Since Id gobbled everything down in the knowledge that I might vomit, now I had to get back out everything Id eaten. mikrop (microbe): An evil too small to be seen with the naked eye. I started to vomit. model (model): Praxiteles was in love with the courtesan Phryne, and preserved her exquisite beauty in marble so that even centuries later people could admire it. From here on I knew by heart what to do. I brought it all neatly a conclusion. I flushed the toilet. I washed out my mouth. I brush my teeth. I soaped my hands. I washed out my mouth. I washed face. I washed out my mouth. I brushed my teeth. I washed out nr. mouth. I looked at myself in the mirror. I washed out my moutli I looked worn out. Worn out and broken. Because there wen still something that had stayed inside me. No matter what I did vomited less than I ate. I suspected that pieces of chocolate wei still trying to work themselves into my digestive juices. Perhaps I tried harder/ perhaps this time I could get them out. I started I vomit again. Morpheus: Morpheus, the god of dreams, is the offspring of a union between night and sleep (research!). Thats how it started. Thats how my life started going backwards, and returning 1 T111;. l.A/l what it used to be. When I was in the Hayalifener Apartments ith B-C, I thought Id been completely freed from the claws of mv former unhappiness, but now it was manifesting itself again. Indeed it was rapidly growing stronger as if to make up for lost me. Which meant that everything could return to the past, and ihr old somehow doesnt grow old. B-C was right. Time didnt pr >< eed in a straight line from yesterday, through today, and into lit future. Sometimes it went forwards and

dikilmi, sabit gzlerle onlar seyrediyordum. Ykseliyor, ykseliyor ve tam bulutlarn stne kacaklar anda, aniden patlayveriyorlard. Sapr sapr balon paralan yayordu zerime. Oryantalizm: Oymal kaplarn, tahta kafeslerin, incecik peelerin ardnda saklanan Doulu kadnlardan biriyle bir kez seviebilmek iin yanp tutuurmu Batl seyyah. Szlebilecei ak bir kap bulabilmek ya da rzgrn azizliine uram bir arafn altndakileri dikizleyebilmek midiyle hep ara sokaklardan yrrm. lkesine dndnde, hi dokunmad Doulu kadnlarn hi grmedii stbeyaz tenlerini, klsz ap aralarn, etli dudaklarn, sanki grm ve dokunmu gibi ballandra ballandra anlatrm arkadalarna. Her sene muhakkak gelirmi Dou'ya. Seneler sonra nihayet hayali gerek olmu. Doulu kadnlardan biri arzusuna arzuyla karlk vermi. Seyyah kadnn evine vardnda, bir de bakm ki d kap onun iin ardna kadar ak braklm. Kendi kendine aklayamad bir sebepten tr hi mi hi holanmam bundan. eri girdiinde, Doulu kadnn soyunmaya baladn grm. Telala atlm. "Ne yapyorsun? karma. Sakn ha karma stndekileri." Kadn aknlkla yzne baknca, kaarcasna oradan ayrlm seyyah. Memleketine dndnde, Doulu kadnlarla yeni gnl maceralarn dinlemeye can atan arkadalarn etrafna toplam.Her sene olduu gibi bu sene de onlara anlatacak ok eyi varm. Uyandmda midem kaznyordu. Ne kadar zamandr uyuduu159 mu kestiremiyordum; belki birka saat, belki birka gn/ Bitkin admlarla, duvarlara tutuna tutuna, evin iinde dolatm. Be-Ce evde yoktu. Salondaki masann zerinde, sanki benim iin braklm bir kse baharatl san leblebi duruyordu. Ve hemen yannda da effaf bir dosya/ Uzun zamandr uyuyor olmalydm. Ve Be-Ce daha uzun zaman uyuyacam sanm olmalyd ki, yazmaya balad gnden beri benden ke bucak kard Nazar Szl'n ortalkta brakmakta

sometimes it went b* k wards; sometimes it walked and sometimes it stood still; it M.i. i .ered about drunkenly. it icizevigoz (miraculous eye):While the city was grumbling and moaning under a siege, a monk was frying fish beside the Well of the Holy Fish. Wh.it are you doing?'cried the people.'Is this a time to be frying fish? tiry've breached the walls.The city is being taken.' Ihe monk was very calm.'It's been a long time since I've stopped hrving what people say. But if these fish jump out of the pan, I'll I*, hi've the city is falling,' he said. At that moment the moment the fish i> hi jumping one by one, half cooked, into the sacred well. 'A .1 in ,i few days I fell ill. All day I lay about like a pudding. I was It M is, in a state between wakefulness and sleep. B-C had become | p. Her and was spinning around me. The top of the commode tiled with sweet syrups and bitter pills. My fever didnt fall, i mtly slept, hid and dreamt. Banging sounds were coming >> the centre of the earth, someone was hitting the legs of my i Her I understood that in order to keep an eye on me, B-C uiglit the computer into the bedroom and was writing the Ilk i try of Gazes at my side. He must have found the inspiration ti seeking for so long, because the clacking of the keyboard t Mop. 1 point): A single point can blin( )dtheey()e. I llf flN1'** I multi-coloured balloons. Standing below, 1 WM l .1 ill. in patiently. They climb and climb, and then just at the iniiitent theyre about to rise above the clouds, they burst. Pieces of balloon rain down on me. Oryantalizm (orientalism): A Western traveller was burning with passion to make love just once to an Eastern woman hiding behind her thin veils among her carved, inlaid wooden cages. He continually walked through the back streets in the hope of finding an open door he could sneak through or for the wind to play with a veil so that he could peer under it. When he returned to his own country, though he hadn't touched

saknca grmemiti. Pandora: Kutunun iinde ne olduunu grmek iin anca kapa, btn ktlkleri sam yeryzne. nce baharatl san leblebileri bitirdim; ardndan, Nazar Szl' n okumay. Karanlk kyordu. nmz geceydi. Anahtar kapda dnd. BeCe eve gelmiti. Pamuk Prenses: Cceler Pamuk Prenses'in ls banda gzya dkerken, bu gzellii bir daha gremeyecekleri iin kahroluyorlard. Sonunda, onu sonsuza kadar seyredebilmek iin bir cam tabuta koymaya karar verdiler. "Demek okudun Nazar Szl'n. Oysa daha bitmemiti," dedi tatsz bir sesle. "Daha bir sr maddeyi tamamlamadm." Sallanan sandalyesine oturup, bir ne bir arkaya ar ar sallanmaya balad. "Ee, madem okudun, sylesene nasl buldun? Geri benden izin almadan okumaya kalkman hi ho deil ama sevgililik byle bir ey ite. Mahremiyet kayb." paravan: ki Sicilya Elisinin kz Matmazel de Ludauffe ile arkada Matmazel Amoureu, Hatice Sultan'n davetlisiydiler. Evsahibinin istei zerine bu iki gen, gzel kadn btn gn neeyle dans ettiler. Yalnz olduklarn zannediyorlard. Bilmiyorlard ki, paravann arkasndan onlar gzetliyordu Sultan nc Selim. Farknda bile deildi. Acyla baktm Be-Ce'nin yzne. 160 "SOBE!" STANBUL198O leden sonralan zaman, arka bahede ekerleme yapard. Hi amazd zaman. Her gn ayn saatte arlaan gzkapaklan, hep ayn sre boyunca kapal kalr ve hep ayn saatte alrd. Zaman uyurken, ocuk vine aacnn altnda pinekler, yere dm vineleri yerdi. Yerdekiler bittiinde, dallardakilere dadanrd gizlice. Ama bunu ok sk tekrarlamasna lzum kalmazd. Nasl olsa her gn muhakkak onlarca vine, daln terk edip aatan dm olurdu. Peki yleyse kendisi niye ayn eyi yapamyordu? Neden bu evi terk edemiyordu? Terk edemedii ev, tuzlanm ala yeiliydi. Tuzlanm ala yeili ev, babaannenin eviydi. Oysa zaman, ne zaman byle ekerleme yapsa, insann, ardnda tek bir iz bile brakmadan ekip gidebileceine, imdi, u anda, bambaka bir yerde olabileceine inanas geliyordu.

any Eastern women nor seen their milk-white skin, their smooth thighs and their fleshy lips, he spoke at length to his friends as if he had. He returned to the East every year without fail. Years later his fantasy finally came true. An Eastern woman returned his desire. When the traveller arrived at the woman's house, he saw that the door had been left ajar for him. For reasons he couldn't explain to himself, this didn't please him at all. He went inside, and saw that the Eastern woman had begun to undress. In panic he said, 'What are you doing? Don't take it off. By no means take off what you're wearing.'When the woman looked at him with surprise, the traveller fled. When he returned to his country, he gathered together the friends who were eager to hear his latest amorous adventures with Eastern women. As was the case every year, he had a great deal to tell them. When I woke my stomach felt as if it had been scraped. I had no idea how long Id slept; perhaps a few hours, perhaps a few days/ Step by weary step, holding onto the walls for support, I wandered through the house. On the living room table, as if it had been left there for me, was a bowl of roasted chick-peas. And right next to it was a transparent file folder/ I must have been asleep for a long time. And B-C must have thought Id sleep even longer, because since the day hed started writing hed never ever left the Dictionary of Gazes lying about. 192 THE GAZE Pandora: Because she'd lifted the lid in order to see what was in the box, all of the evils were scattered across the face of the earth. I u st I finished the roasted chickpeas; after that, I started reading the I >ictionary of Gazes. I >. irk ness was falling. Night was before us. The key turned in the lin k. B-C had come home. Pamuk Prenses (Snow White): The dwarves wept at Snow White's death, and were heartsick to think they'd never see her beauty again. In the end they decided to put her in a

Kimbilir ne vakit, kimbilir kimin, ardsra sat vine ekirdeklerini rehber edinerek, ayakizlerinde vine aalarnn boyvermesini beklemeden gitmek ve gitmek/ Varmaya deil, gitmeye gitmek/ Zaman uyanana kadar dilediince vine yiyebilirdi; nce yerde-kileri, sonra da can ekerse dallardakileri. Kim grecekti ki? Nasl olsa, zaman ile birlikte hemen hemen herkes ve her ey uykuya ekilirdi. Tuzlanm ala yeili evin alt katndan babaannenin, st katndan evsahibesi Kymet Hanm Teyze'nin horultular ykselirdi. Btn mahalle kocaman bir beik kesilir, rzgr mrl mrl ninni sylerdi. 161 Ml ml uyurdu ocuklar, kediler ve hatta seyyar satclar; uurtmalar, kttan bebekler ve hatta koz helvalar. Onlar uyanana kadar dilediince vine yiyebilirdi. En uzaa frlatrd ekirdekleri. Uzaa; ta, komu bahedeki kmrln inko damna. A kapy bezirgnba, bezirgnba Kap hakk ne verirsin, ne verirsin Bir san, iki san, nc de kapana kaan Sessiz sakindi sokak. n cin top oynuyordu. Zamann uyuduu saatlerde, nedense onlar hep uyank oluyordu. Ve bu derin sessizlikte cinler, atal atal sesleriyle, ocuklarn yatmadan evvel sokakta syledikleri arklar sylyordu. Yandaki evin arka bahesinde bir kmrlk vard; inko daml, iki kapl. ocuk, yedii vinelerin ekirdeklerini oraya frlatrd. inko dama den ekirdekler tpr tpr sesler karttka, ocuk da dolu yadrabildiine inanrd. Er ya da ge, att her ekirdek, bir delik aacakt. Eninde sonunda her ekirdek, kendi at deliin iinde kaybolacakt. Belki de yeterince vine yerse, yani sadece yerdeki -leri deil dallardaki vineleri de bitirebilirse, delik deik edebilirdi inko dam. Her bir vine ekirdeinin at her bir delik, bir benzeriyle kucaklap, nihayet ortada delecek tek bir nokta, deecek tek bir yara dahi kalmadnda, kmrlk son bir gayretle tutunacakt kurdeen olmu damna. Pul pul kabaran svalan sapr sapr dkldke, alttan

glass coffin so they could look at her forever. So youve read the Dictionary of Gazes. I havent finished it yet, though, he said in a bitter voice.Theres still quite a bit of material I havent organised. He sat in his rocking chair and started rocking angrily back and forth. So, since youve read it, why dont you tell me what you think? To tell the truth Im not at all pleased that you went and read it without permission, but I suppose thats what relationships are like. You lose your privacy. paravan (folding screen): The daughter of the Ambassador of the Two Scillies, Mademoiselle Ludauf, and her friend Mademoiselle Amoureu were invited to visit Hatice Sultan. According to the wishes of their hostess, the two beautiful young women danced gaily all day. They thought they were alone. They didn't know that Sultan Selim III was watching them from behind a folding screen. He wasnt even aware. I looked into B-Cs face with pain. Istanbul-1980 In the afternoons, time used to nap in the back garden. Time never varied its routine. Every day, its eyelids would grow heavy at the same hour, its eyes would stay closed for the same length of time and would always open at the same hour. While time slept, the child would sit drowsily under the cherry tree, eating the cherries that had fallen to the ground. When the cherries on the ground were finished, she would start to crave the cherries on the branches. But this usually wasnt necessary. Every day, dozens of cherries would leave behind their branches and fall to the ground. If it was that easy, why didnt she do the same thing? Why didnt she leave this house behind? The house she could not leave behind was the colour of salted green almonds. The house the colour of salted green almonds was her paternal grandmothers house. But whenever time took a nap, a person could believe that it was possible to get up and go without leaving a trace, and now, at this

kan boluk, syrlan derinin yerini alacak ve ite o zaman, inko daml kmrlk ebediyen yok olacakt. Ebediyete kadar. nk dilini tutamyordu kmrlk. Tpr tpr konuuyordu ekirdekler zerine yaarken. Dilini tutmas gerektiini bilmiyordu. Bilmiyordu ki, "ok konuann dili kanar." ok konuann dili kanar diyordu babaanne. Byle diyor ve nar kabuu kadar sert, nar kabuu gibi alacal dudaklarn smsk kapal tutuyordu. Kabuk yanlsa, yerlere salacakt kelamn taneleri ama yarlmyordu. teki kadnlara hi benzemiyordu babaanne. nk onlar ok konuuyordu. Ada gnyd kadnlarn. Sabah erkenden, tuzlanm ala yeili evin alt katnda toplanp, dibi kararm kk tavalarn ocaa yerletirmi; adann baygn kokusunu ilerine ekerken, kvam tutsun diye bol bol dedikodu yapmlard. leye doru kadnlar yerde yan 162 yana oturup, bacaklarnda donan incecik tabakalar suratlarn buru-tura burutura ekerken; ocuk da, kurun kaleme dolanm bir para aday yalaya yalaya dolanmt ortalkta. Huzursuzdu. Anlalan ada gn sona ermedike, evde hibir eye el sremeyecekti. Yanllkla dokunuverse, duvarlar bile parmaklarna yapacakt sanki. O da pencerenin kenarna tnemekte bulmutu areyi. Sabahtan beri durmakszn yamur yayordu darda. Yamur damlalarnn hrpalarken okad, rselerken tazeledii arka baheyi seyretmiti. Kadnlar az sonra, ellerini bacaklarn kpkl sularla ykayp, mant faslna geeceklerdi. ocuk onlardan yana bakmamaya gayret ediyordu. Adann ayp bir ey olduunu biliyor; rzas dnda ortasna dt bu naho srrn orta olmak istemiyordu. Yamur iyice hzlandnda yerinden kalkt, uyuuk admlarla mutfaa gitti. te o zaman, orada grd cam ay kaklarn. Cam ay kaklar, sadece misafir geldiinde kartlrd fiyonklu kadife kutularndan. Misafir gelmedii gnlerde ocuk, ayn kolayca eilip bklen teneke ay kaklaryla kartrrd. Mutfak tezghna tutunup, yakndan bakt

very moment, be in a completely different place. Who knew when, following whose trail of cherry pits, without waiting for growth of the cherry trees in the footprints, simply going and going/ Not in order to arrive, but simply to leave and keep going. Until time woke from its nap, she could eat as many cherries as she wished; first the ones on the ground, and then, if she dared, the ones on the branches. Who was going to see her? In any case, everyone and everything fell asleep when time fell asleep. THE GAZE I he lower floor of the house the colour of salted green almonds H-sounded with her paternal grandmothers snores, and the upper lloor with those of Kiymet Hamm Teyze, the landlady. The whole neighbourhood became a giant cradle, and the breeze murmured lullabies. The children slept deeply, and so did cats, and even itinerant peddlers; kites, paper dolls and even nougat. Until they woke, she could eat as many cherries as she wished. She would fling the cherry pits as far as she could. Far, as far as the zinc roof of the neighbours coal shed. Open the door, chief merchant, chief merchant What will you pay as a toll, what will you pay One rat, two rats, the third escapes to the trap. The street was calm and quiet. The jinns were playing ball. They were always awake during the hours when time slept. And in this deep silence, the jinns, in their cracked voices, would sing the same songs the children had sung in the street before going to bed. In the back garden of the house next door there was a coal shed; with a zinc roof, and two doors.Thats where the child would throw the pits of the cherries she had eaten. When the cherry pits made a rattling noise as they fell on the zinc roof, the child would believe hail was falling. Sooner or later, every cherry pit she threw would open a hole. In the end, every cherry pit would become lost in the hole it had opened. Perhaps if she ate enough cherries, that is, if she finished not just those

cam ay kaklarna. Bunlar daha evvel grmemiti. Kaklarn tepesinde koyu camdan, ufack kelebekler vard. steseler, her an kanatlanp uabilirlerdi sanki. Ama nedense umaya niyetleri yok gibiydi. Hemen yan tarafta, ilerine gazete kd serilmi iki kocaman, yusyuvarlak tepsi vard. Mant piirecekti kadnlar. Kk kk hamur karelerinin ortasnda, pembe pembe et topaklan duruyordu. Henz kapanmamt mant karelerinin azlan. Ama nedense konumaya niyetleri yok gibiydi. ocuk nce kelebeklerin kanatlarn teker teker koparp bir kenara ayrd. Sonra, cam ay kaklarn havana koyup, bir gzel ezdi. atr atr krld camlar. Parmaklarn kesmemeye gayret ederek, her bir cam krn, bir pembe etin ortasna yerletirdi. Susuz kalm toprak yamur damlalarn nasl itahla emerse, mantlar da aynen yle yutuverdi cam krklarn. Gz ap kapayncaya kadar, btn cam krklan kaybolmutu et topaklarnn iinde. yle ki, iyice yaklap dikkatlice baklmadka, hibir tuhaflk sezilmiyordu ortalkta. Kiymal-caml mantlar, pimeye hazrd. ocuk mantlann azlarn kapatmaya gerek duymad. Kim atysa, o kapatrd. Bunu niye yaptn bilmiyordu. Ama ne yaptnn farkndayd, neler olabileceinin de. stese olacaklar durdurabilirdi. Hemen imdi salona dnp, epeyce ackm kadnlara manty yememelerini, yoksa dillerinin kanayacan syleyebilirdi. Kimsenin dili kanamasn diye, 163 bu cinnetaver uultuyu hemen imdi susturabilir; kendi kendini gam-mazlayabilirdi. Mutfan salona alan kapsna doru daha bir adm atmt ki, babaannenin ipince, upuzun glgesini grd yerde. Mantlar kapatmaya geliyor olmalyd. Henz ocuu fark etmemiti. Bir de arka kaps vard mutfan, arka baheye alan. ocuk sessizce svt arka kapdan. Yamur yayordu darda. Yamur, iindeki meyveleri kolayca ykayabilmek iin azna kadar suyla doldurulup, dibinde delikler alm plastik bir torbadan akan su gibi boalyordu, gpgri gkyznde alan saysz yarktan.

on the ground but those on the branches as well, she would cause the zinc roof to be completely full of holes. Each hole that was opened by each cherry pit would merge with another one just like it, and when there was no place left to make any more holes, any more wounds, the coal shed would make one last effort to hold on to its pockmarked roof. When the flaking plaster had fallen off, and the emptiness beneath it had swallowed it, the coal shed would disappear completely. Forever. f*f- rtitf A# mil ihrtl <nlil / .. Iiold its tongue. It talked away * th# rh*tr> pill Minnl down on it. It didnt know that it was nr. MMf Ini ii to hold its tongue. It didnt know that the tongues > >1 du- ulk.iuve bleed. 11 or grandmother used to say that people who cannot hold their tongue will see it bleed. She would say this, and keep her lips, which were as hard and motley as pomegranate rinds, tightly shut. If this rind split open, words would spill out like pomegranate pieces, but it never split. Her grandmother didnt resemble the other women. Because they talked a great deal. It was the day the women made depilatory wax. Early in the morning they gathered in the lower floor of the house the colour of salted green almonds, and placed the little pans with blackened bottoms on the stove; as they breathed in the heady smell of the wax, they gossiped a great deal to help the wax maintain its consistency. Towards afternoon the women would sit in a row and wince as they peeled the thin layers of wax off their legs; as for the child, she would wander around, licking at a pencil that she had dipped into the wax. She was resdess. It was understood that until waxing day was over, she was not to touch anything in the house. As if her fingers would stick even to the wall if she touched it by mistake. The only solution was to sit by the window. It had been raining since morning. She watched the raindrops caress and freshen the back garden as they buffeted it and knocked it about. Soon, the women would wash their hands and

ocuk, her yamurda topran kustuu solucanlarn zerine basa basa, amurda de kalka komaya balad arka bahede. Kotu, kotu ve ne zaman ki arka baheyi geride braktn sand, kmrle arpp, yzst yere kapakland. kmrktlkktkmrlkmr Kanayan diz kapana endieyle bakt. Mikrop kapmaktan oldum olas korkard. Bu yzden, elinde bir tentrdiyot iesi olduunu dnd. Bir yandan, hayali tentrdiyotu yarann zerine dkerken, bir yandan da suratn abartyla buruturarak acyan yere flyordu. Kmr tozlar dolumutu yarann zerine. Aldrmad. Nasl olsa, kmr tozlarndan zarar gelmezdi. Rzgrla savrulur, yamurla ykanrd hepsi. z bile kalmazd geride. Kmr tozlar, vine ekirdei deildi ki, kk salsnlar durduklar yerde. ocuk, iinde vine aalan yeersin diye, vine ekirdeklerini yutard eskiden. Kkt o zamanlar. Artk byle bir eyin mmkn olmadn kesinkes bilecek kadar bymt. Artk gayet iyi biliyordu ki, ne kadar vine ekirdei yutarsa yutsun, asla vine aalar kmayacakt midesinde nk insann bir ii, bir de d vard ve vine ekirdekleri ieriye deil, darya aitti ve ancak ait olduklar yerde kk satabilirlerdi. Bir vine ekirdei asla inenemez, ancak kazara yutulabilirdi; o zaman da sindirilemez, gerisin geri karlrd. Etinin lezzetini syrdktan sonra, atlmas gereken artkt. Tpk bir ulak gibi, kuanda tad mektubun kymeti ne olursa olsun, bir kez emanetini teslim ettikten sonra gerisin geri, geldii yere dnmeliydi. stenmeyen ziyaretiydi. Kazara vcudun iine girmeyi basarsa bile, ziyaretini ksa tutup, derhal darya dnmeliydi. Derken bitiverdi plastik torbann suyu. Son yamur damlalar da 164 arka baheye dtnde, miskin miskin glmseyiverdi gne, sedef gibi parlayan yeryzne. O leden sonra zaman, arka bahede ekerleme yapyordu. Yamur sonras alabildiine sessiz sakindi ortalk. Mant tenceresinin fokurtular, ada sonras yorgun dm kadnlarn hep bir azdan

legs with soapy water, and turn their attention to the dumplings. The child made an effort not to look in their direction. She knew that there was something shameful about waxing; she didnt want to be party to an unpleasant secret. When the rain grew much heavier, she got up and walked lethargically into the kitchen. That was when she saw the glass teaspoons. The glass teaspoons were only taken out of their ribboned velvet boxes when guests came. When there were no guests, the child stirred her tea with tin spoons that bent easily. THE GAZE She leaned against the kitchen counter and looked closely at the glass teaspoons. She hadnt seen these ones before. There were little butterflies made of dark glass at the end of each spoon. It was as if they could take wing and fly off at any moment if they wanted. But also as if, for whatever reason, they had no intention of flying. Kight next to the spoons there were two big, round trays covered with newspaper.The women were going to make dumplings. Little pink balls of meat stood on little squares of dough. The mouths of the dumplings had not closed yet. But for whatever reason it didnt seem as if they had any intention to speak. First the child broke off the wings of the butterflies and put them aside. Then she put the glass teaspoons in the mortar and crushed them thoroughly. The glass made a crunching sound as it broke. Taking care not to cut her fingers, she placed each piece of glass in the middle of one of the pink balls of meat. The dumplings swallowed the glass as hungrily as dry earth swallows raindrops. In the blink of an eye, all of the pieces of glass had disappeared into the balls of meat. So much so that, even if you looked at them very closely, nothing strange was apparent. The meat and glass dumplings were ready to be cooked. The child didnt feel it necessary to close the dumplings mouths. Whoever had opened them would close them. She didnt know why she had done this. But she was aware of what she had done, and of what could happen.

horultularna karyordu. Mahallenin zemini tahta bir beik kesilmi, tngr mngr sallanyor; mahalle sakinleri rehavetin yatanda sereserpe uzanm, ryalarnn sunturlu ormanlarnda aheste revan geziniyordu. Onlar uyurken ocuk srtn vine aacna yaslam, yerdeki vineleri yiyordu. Daha ok yedike, daha ok merak ediyordu vinelerin aac terk etmeyi nasl baarabildiklerini. Aniden, effaf zarn ekip kopardklarnda sucuun kard iniltiye benzer bir sesle yrtlverdi zamann uykusu. Ardndan tiz bir lk ykseldi; derken bir tane, bir tane daha. lklar, tuzlanm ala yeili evin ikinci katndan geliyordu. Ev sahibesi Kymet Hanm Teyze arka baheye bakan mutfak balkonunun demirlerinden sarkm, avaz kt kadar baryordu. ocuk telaa kapld. Kymet Hanm Teyze, her bahar, alt kat kiraclarnn dal vine toplamalarna izin verirdi. Babaanne bu vinelerden reel yapar, bir de teekkr mahiyetinde birazn st kata gndermeyi ihmal etmezdi. Geri kalan vinelere dokunmak yasakt. Onlar sadece Kymet Hanm Teyze yiyebilirdi, birde oullan. Geri ocuk bugn sadece yerdeki vinelerden yedii iin sulu saylmazd. Ama yle bir dnnce, masumiyetini ispatlayamayacan kavrad. Hem bugn olmasa bile, daha dn su ilememi miydi? Dn btn gn gizlice dallardaki vinelere dadanmam myd? Acaba Kymet Hanm Teyze evinden dar pek kmad ve vine aacna hep yukandan bakt iin, dallardan eksilen vineleri daha yeni fark ediyor olabilir miydi? Acaba ocuun dn iledii kabahati, bugn m cezalandrmaya kalkyordu? Ev sahibesi Kymet Hanm Teyze, tuzlanm ala yeili evin st katnda otururdu. Dnyadaki en iman kadn oydu. Ayaklan ylesine etli, ylesine iriydi ki, ayakkab giyemez, yaz k terlikle dolard. Her biri iki ocuk enindeki bacaklarnda, eflatunun tekmil tonlarndan damarlar vard. Damarlann bazlan, ayazda kalm amar gibi kaskat

If she had wanted she could have stopped what was going to happen. She could have returned to the sitting room right away and told these women who had been hungry for a long time that they were not to eat the dumplings, or else their tongues would bleed. She could have stopped this maddening humming so that no ones tongue would bleed; she could have informed on herself. As she took another step towards the door that opened from the kitchen into the sitting room, she saw her grandmothers long, thin shadow on the ground. She must have been on her way to close the dumplings. She hadnt noticed the child yet.The kitchen had a back ELIF SHAFAK door that opened onto the back garden. The child slipped silently out the back door. It was raining outside. It was raining as if a plastic bag had been filled to the top with water in order to wash fruit, and then holes had been pierced in the bottom, falling from countless fissures in the grey sky. The child ran about in the mud, falling and getting up again, and stepping on the worms that the earth vomited every time it rained. She ran and ran, and just when she thought she had left the back garden behind, she ran into the coal shed, and fell flat on her face on the ground. Coalshedevilevilcoalshedcoal. She looked anxiously at her bleeding knee. She had always feared catching germs. For this reason, she imagined she had a bottle of iodine in her hand. As she poured the imaginary iodine on the wound, she winced exaggeratedly and blew on the place where it hurt. The wound was covered with coal dust. She didnt mind. No harm could come from coal dust. The wind would blow it away, and the rain would clean everything. There wouldnt even be a trace left behind. Coal dust was not like cherry pits, which put out roots wherever they fall. The child used to swallow cherry pits so that cherry trees would grow inside her. She was little then. Shes grown up enough now to know that such things are definitely not possible. She knew

kesilmi, bazlar da hedefi skalam bir sapann lastii gibi utanla aa sarkmt. Geri kalan damarlar, telefon kablolann and165 ryordu. ocuk, bir seferinde, kadnn komularyla koyu bir sohbete dalmasn frsat bilerek btn damarlar yakndan incelemiti. Ve ite o zaman, Kymet Hanm Teyze'nin bir robot olduunu kesinkes anlamt. Bacaklarndaki damarlar sahici deil, oyuncak damarlard. Zaten nemli olan damarlar deil, damarlarn gerisinde berisinde gze arpan kablolard. te o kablolar kesilmedike, Kymet Hanm Teyze mmkn yok durdurulamazd. nk o bir robottu. Hem robot olmasa, bu kadar kilolu olmasna ramen, daha hi kimsenin onu yemek yerken grmemi olmas nasl aklanabilirdi ki? Oullarnn arabalarnn benziniyle yahut diki makinelerinin yayla besleniyor olabilirdi. stelik galiba uyurgezerdi. Ve eer uyurgezerse, her gn sabah ezan okunurken, kablolar birbirine dolanmdevreleri atmgzleri yuvalarndan frlam devasa bir robot, ssz sokaklarda yana yakla mucidini aryor olabilirdi. Kymet Hanm Teyze tuzlanm ala yeili evin merdivenlerinden karken, ocuk aada durup sessizce beklerdi. Her seferinde, onun son basamaklarda tkezleyip, merdivenlerden gerisin geri yuvarlandn hayal ederdi. O koca gvde zerine doru sratle gelirken, son anda kenara ekileceini, ekilemedii takdirde bir bcek gibi ezileceini dnp rperirdi. Ama hi dmezdi Kymet Hanm Teyze. Her seferinde, oflaya poflaya, kan ter iinde de olsa merdivenleri kmaya baarrd. Hem zaten nadiren dar kard. Sadece aybalarnda, st mahalledeki evlerinin kirasn toplamak iin ayrlrd tuzlanm ala yeili evden; bir de, Elsa'nn cieri bittiinde. Elsa'ya tapard. Hayvanlar deil, kedileri de deil, sadece Elsa' yi severdi. Elsa'nn yedii cierleri kendi seer, kendi piirirdi. Tuzlanm ala yeili evin ikinci kat her gn buram buram cier kokard. Ne zaman varis arlar, iki sokak tedeki Uzak Kasap'a kadar yrmesine msaade etmese, tembih

well now that no matter how many cherry pits she swallowed, no cherry tree would ever come out of her stomach, because a person had an inside and an outside, and cherry pits didnt belong to the inside but to the outside, and cherry pits could only put out roots in places where they belonged. A cherry pit could never be chewed, but it could be swallowed by accident: even then it could not be digested, but would be brought back out. It was what remained after the flesh of the fruit had been enjoyed, and had to be thrown away. Just like a messenger who has to return to where he came from once he THE GAZ.K Ii.is delivered the letter that was entrusted to him, no matter how valuable the letter is. It was an unwelcome guest. Even if by chance '' managed to enter your body, it would have to keep its visit short, Hid go back out immediately. Suddenly the water in the plastic bag finished. As the last drops of mi fell into the back garden, the sun smiled lazily at an earth that ihone like mother-of-pearl. 1 hat afternoon, time was napping in the back garden. After the lin, it was as calm and quiet as could be. The bubbling of the lumplings in the pans mixed with the snoring of the women, who ui become tired after the waxing. The floor of the neighbourhood lud become a wooden cradle, swinging back and forth; the people "I the neighbourhood had stretched out on a bed of lassitude, i .illnly and sweetly wandering through the wonderful forests of tu-ir dreams. While they slept, the child leaned her back against 'In cherry tree and ate the cherries on the ground. The more she iif, the more she wondered how the cherries managed to leave the i icc behind. luldenly, times sleep was torn by a sound that resembled the uansparent skin being torn off a sausage. It rose to a shrill scream; ilu-n another, and another. The screams were coming from the ici ond floor of the house the colour of salted green almonds. K lymet Hamm Teyze the landlady was leaning over the kitchen balcony that looked over the back garden,

stne tembihle cier almaya yollad ocuklarn, cieri eksik alp artan paray ceplerine attklarndan phelenirdi. Kimi zaman da kasabn, cierin kimin iin alndn gayet iyi bildii halde, etin en kt yerinden verdiini dnr; ayet pheleri artp varis arlar hafiflerse, st sokaa kadar gidip hesap sorard. te o zaman, iri yan pos bykl kasap, bir yandan sinirden titreyen elleriyle alnnda tp tp atan damar durdurmaya alrken, bir yandan da binbir zrle, yeni bir cier paketi hazrlard. Kymet Hanm Teyze ask bir suratla paketini alr, yanmaz teekkr eder ve dkkndan kmadan evvel dnp, st kapal bir tehdit savurmay ihmal etmezdi. O sokan kesini dndnde, deminden beri sinir166 lerini zor zapteden kasap eski cier paketini ya yere ya da duvarlara frlatr; sonra da btn gn, dkkna gelen her mteriye dert yanard. Mteriler bu konuda talimliydi. Her seferinde birka szle kasab yattrr ve ona idare etmesi gerektiini hatrlatrlard. Ne de olsa, tpk yandaki evler gibi, bu lo ve bask kasap dkkn da Kymet Hanm Teyze'ye aitti. Zamann her zamanki gibi ekerleme yapt o leden sonra Kymet Hanm Teyze nedense uyuyamamt. Uzunca bir mddet yatanda bir o yana, bir bu yana dnp durduktan sonra, madem uyku tutmuyor bari kalkp yemek yapmaya karar vermiti. Patlcan dolmas piirecekti. Ortanca olu Nurettin, kklnden beri patlcan dolmasna baylrd. Kurutulmu patlcanlar mutfak balkonunda aslyd. Mutfak balkonu arka baheye bakard. Kymet Hanm Teyze ipe dizdii patlcanlar nlne doldurduktan sonra, yemein yanna vine urubunun iyi gideceini geirmiti aklndan. Ve bunu dnrken, gayri ihtiyari aaya, vine aacna evirmiti gzlerini. Bakm ve bakakalmt. Sonra aniden, effaf zann ekip kopardklarnda sucuun kard iniltiye benzer bir ses karmt. Ardndan tiz bir lk atmt; derken bir tane, bir tane daha. Kymet Hanm Teyze balkonda ciyak ciyak baradursun, uykularnn en tatl yerinde neye uradklarn ararak sokaa frlayan mahalle

shouting at the top of her voice. The child was seized by panic. Every spring, Kiymet Hamm I ryze gave the tenants on the bottom floor permission to gather three branches of cherries. Grandmother made jam from these berries, and didnt neglect to send some of it upstairs as thanks. It a as forbidden to touch the rest of the cherries. Only Kiymet Hamm ELIF SHAFAK Teyze, and her sons, could eat these. In truth the child couldnt be considered guilty because today she had only eaten the cherries on the ground. But as she thought this, she realized that she wouldnt be able to prove her innocence. And even if she wasnt guilty today, hadnt she committed the same crime just yesterday? Hadnt she secretly picked the cherries on the branches all day yesterday? Was it perhaps because Kiymet Hamm Teyze rarely went outside and usually only saw the tree from above that she only now noticed how few cherries there were on the branches? Was the child going to be punished today for yesterdays transgressions? Kiymet Hamm Teyze the landlady lived on the top floor of the house the colour of salted green almonds. She was the fattest woman in the world. Her feet were so fleshy, and so big, that she couldnt wear shoes, and went about in slippers winter and summer. Each of her legs was as wide as two children, and covered with purple toned veins. Some of them were as rigid as laundry that had been left out on a cold night, and some hung down in shame like the elastic of a slingshot that had missed its target. The rest of the veins were reminiscent of telephone cables. Once, when the woman was deep in conversation with some of her neighbours, the child knowingly took the opportunity to examine these veins up close. And this was when she understood without a doubt that Kiymet Hamm Teyze was a robot. The veins on her legs werent real, they were toy veins. The important thing was that they werent veins, and what looked like veins were clearly cables. And as long as these cables were not cut, there was no possibility of stopping

sakinleri arka baheye mt oktan. Sade mahalleli deil, nerede bir kalabalk olsa, annda orada bitiveren seyyar satclar da olay mahalindeydi. Hi bu kadar insan bir arada grmemiti arka bahe. Herkes mutfak balkonunun altnda toplanm, merakl gzlerle yukan bakyordu. Nihayet birileri yukan kmay akl edinceye kadar devam etti bu manasz seyir. Bu sefer de, balkona doluanlarla aada kalanlar arasnda dipsiz bir sohbet balamt. Aadakiler neler olup bittiini renmek iin devaml sorular soruyor; yukandakilerse, Kymet Hanm Teyze'nin tutulmu dilinden, falta gibi alm gzlerinden alamadklan malmat kendi hayalgleriyle telafi ederek birbirinden uyduruk cevaplar sralyordu. Nice sonra, balkondakilerden biri, Kymet Hanm Teyze'ye bakmak yerine, onun bakt yere bakmay akl etti. te ancak o zaman, vine aacnn dallan arasnda sallanan kanl gvde fark edildi. Vine aacnn dalnda bir l aslyd, bir kedi ls. Deminden beri grdn, nihayet bakalannn da grdn anlayan Kymet Hanm Teyze'nin dili annda zld. 167 "Ah, yavrum. Nasl kydlar sana. Elleri krlsn inaaalllah!" Az evvel yukar kanlar paldr kldr aa indiler. Geride, Kymet Hanm Teyze'nin bileklerini kolonyalarla ovan bir iki kadndan baka kimse kalmazken, aada, kedinin lsn kimin indireceine bir trl karar verilemiyordu. En sonunda, Kymet Hanm Teyze'nin kk olu Zekeriya'nn aaca trmanmas uygun bulundu. Kedi ls bir hayli yukarlardayd; vine aacnn dallar da incecik. Zekeri-ya bir hzla atlmt ama arln ekemeyen dallar atr atr krlnca, daha fazla devam edemeyeceini anlad. Bakt ki olacak gibi deil, kabilecei en st dala kadar kp, oradan, bir oklavann yardmyla kedi lsne vurmaya balad. Hayvann kuyruuna, burnuna, neresine denk gelirse orasna vuruyordu. O vurduka, vine aac zangr zangr sallanyor, dallardaki vineler patr patr yere dklyor,

Kiymet Hamm Teyze. Because she was a robot. If she wasnt a robot, how could one explain how, despite her being so fat, no one had ever seen her eat? She might have fed them with oil from her sons cars or even with grease from the sewing machine. On top of this, she was probably a sleepwalker. And if she walked in her sleep, then a giant robot, with its cables tangled and its eyes hanging out of its sockets, might be wandering the deserted streets everyday while the morning call to prayer was being recited, looking for its creator. I Ml l<A/ When Kiymet Hamm Teyze climbed the stairs of the house the colour of salted green almonds, the child would stand waiting silently below Every time, she imagined that when she reached the last step, she would roll back down the stairs. When that huge body came down on her with such speed, she would have to get out of the way at the last minute or she would be crushed like a bug. But Kiymet Hamm Teyze never fell. Every time, she managed to climb the steps, even though it was with a great deal of huffing and puffing .ind perspiration. And she rarely went outside. She only left the house the colour of salted green almonds at the beginning of the month when she went to collect rents in the upper neighbourhood; .md also when Elsa was out of liver. She worshipped Elsa. She didnt love animals, or even cats, but only Elsa. Shed choose Elsas liver herself, and cook it herself. Every day, the second floor of the house the colour of salted green almonds would be filled with the smell of liver. Whenever the pain of her varicose veins didnt permit her to walk to the Far Butchers two streets away, and by using threat after threat she sent the children to buy liver, she suspected that they bought less liver and put the leftover money in their pockets. Sometimes she would think that the butcher, knowing full well who the liver was for, would give inferior meat; if by chance her suspicion increased and the pain of her varicose veins diminished, she would go up to the butchers and complain. Then the

yapraklardan kalkan uyuuk toz bulutu aada bekleenlerin zerine usul usul yayor ama kedi ls bir trl dmyordu. te o zaman, kedi de olsa kimsenin lsne eziyet edilmesine gnl raz olmayan mahalle ahalisi olaya bizzat el koymaya karar verdi. Hep beraber kollan svayp, Zekeriya'nn hl zerinde olduu vine aacn vargleriyle sallamaya baladlar. Birka saniye iinde, nce onlarca vine, sonra oklava, derken Zekeriya, ardndan da kedi ls, bir toz duman bulutu iinde ve nidalar eliinde yere dtler pepee. Eilip bakt herkes. Hi phesiz, Elsa'yd bu kanl gvde. Gzleri, kenarlarna ufack deniz kabuklar ilenmi vine rengi bir tlbentle balanmt. Nereden kt belli olmayan bir sr yavru sinek, ak kalan azna dolumutu. Hibir yerinde yara bere olmadndan, byklarna tutunmu kan topaklarnn nereden geldii anlalamyordu. Tlbent zlnce herkes eilip merakla inceledi Elsa'nn gzlerini. Her zaman nasl bakyorsa, gene yle bakyordu. ldnn farknda grnmyordu. Zaten apaklar da ylece durduundan, korkutucu olmak bir yana, sanki her an canlanp uyuuk uyuuk gerinecek, sonra da esneye esneye gidip birinin kucanda kvrlacakm izlenimi veriyordu. Bu esnada mahalle sakinleri, ellerini gayri ihtiyari gzlerine gtrp, oktan kaan uykularndan kalma apaklar temizlemeye koyulmutu. Kedi de olsa, kimse bir lye benzemek istemiyordu. Derken, yle bir dalgaland kalabalk. Bileklerine kolonyal mendiller balanm, kafasna kolonyal bezler sarlm, kolonyal su imekten ii dna km, salar ve boynu kolonyadan srlsklam olmu Ky168 met Hanm Teyze, o hantal gvdesinden beklenmeyecek bir eviklikle kalabal yarp, elinde kolonya ieleriyle peinden koturan komu kadnlar kvrak bir almla atlatarak, Elsa'nn lsnn zerine kapakland. O orada, uuna uuna alarken, bahede toplananlarn gzleri yaarmt. apaklardan sonra imdi de herkes gzyalarn topluyor, kolonya ieleri elden ele dolayordu. Nice sonra, Kymet

big, moustachioed butcher, while trying to stop the nervously (witching artery in his forehead with his hand, would make a thousand apologies and prepare a new package. Kiymet Hamm Teyze would put on a long face as she took the package, say a halfhearted thank you, and before leaving the shop would not neglect to make veiled threats. As soon as she had turned the corner of the street, the butcher, who had barely been able to contain his irritation, would throw the old package against the wall or on the floor. Then, for the rest of the day, he would tell every customer who came into the shop about his troubles.The customers were well versed on the topic. Every time, they would calm the butcher with a few words, and ELIF SHAFAK remind him that he had it all in his stride. Because the shop belonge to Kiymet Hamm Teyze, as did the houses on either side. When, as always, time took a nap that afternoon, Kiymet Hamm Teyze, for whatever reason, did not sleep. After lying down for a long time, and tossing this way and that, she decided that since she couldnt sleep anyway she would get up and prepare some food. She was going to prepare stuffed aubergines. Her middle son Nurettin had loved stuffed aubergines since he was little. The dried aubergines were hanging from the kitchen balcony. The kitchen balcony looked onto the back garden. After Kiymet Hamm Teyze had filled her apron with dried aubergines that were hanging from a string, it occurred to her that cherry syrup might go well with the meal. As she thought this she turned to look at the cherry tree just below her. She looked and was astounded. Suddenly, there was a sound that resembled the transparent skin being torn off a sausage. It rose to a shrill scream; then another, and another. While Kiymet Hamm Teyze stood on the balcony screaming at the top of her voice, the people of the neighbourhood, whose sleep had been disturbed just at its sweetest point, and who had rushed out into the street to see what was going on, had long since crowded into the

Hanm Teyze ban kaldrd. Dikkatle, elemle, nefretle szd etrafna toplananlar. Ve aniden, alamaktan kan anana dnm gzleri, ocua takld. "O yapt! O prtlek gzl ocuk yapt bunu! Geldiinden beri El-sacma kt davrand zaten. eytanla bir olmu bu ocuk. eytan bu eytaaan!" t kmyordu. Ani ve kat bir emir almasna, artk kimse kprdamyor, konumuyor, alamyordu. Uzadka uzayan sessizlik o kadar derindi ki, baheye toplaan seyyar satclarn dondurmalarnn pr pr erirken, simitlerinin atr atr kururken, balonlarnn fsr fsr hava karrken kardklar sesler duyulabiliyordu. Bir tek Kymet Hanm Teyze, bir tek o cret edebilirdi bylesi bir sessizlii bozmaya. "Sylesene! Ulan sylesene herkese. Bu tlbent benim desene. Pi kurusu. Konusana." apaklardan ve gzyalarndan sonra, imdi de "acaba"lar birikmiti bahede toplaanlann gzlerinde. Acaba doru muydu? Acaba parmak kadar ocuk byle korkun bir su ilemi olabilir miydi? yi de, ocuklar kedileri severdi. Acaba bu ocuk kedileri sevmiyor muydu? Bilhassa, televizyonun zamane ocuklanna kt rnek olduunu velilere anlatmak iin sk sk toplantlar dzenleyen ve ocuu olsayd ona asla televizyon seyrettirmeyeceini her frsatta dile getiren kara kuru ilkokul mdr dikkatle szyordu ocuu. En ok "acaba" onun gzlerinde toplanmt. Babaanne, tuzlanm ala yeili evin alt katna gelip, biraz soluklanmas iin zar zor ikna edebildi Kymet Hanm Teyze'yi. O esnada komu kadnlar telatan birbirlerine arpa arpa sofray hazrladlar. Gz ap kapayncaya kadar, bir gen kz tabaklan, yaa biraz daha byk bir bakas da atalbaklar masaya dizdi; hemen pelerinden, ellerinde iki koca tencere tayan koca gbekli iki kadn man-tlan tabaklara taksim etti; bir adm arkalanndan, uzun boylu bir komu kadn dar azl, uzunca bir kaptan mantlann zerine bolca sarmsakl yourt dkt ve kk bir tavay dikkatlice kavram ufak tefek 169 bir baka

back garden. Not just the people of the neighbourhood, but also the itinerant peddlers who always show up whenever crowds gather. The back garden had never seen this many people. Everyone had gathered underneath the kitchen balcony, and was looking up with curious eyes. They continued staring emptily until finally a few of them thought to go up. Now, an endless conversation began between those wandering around on the balcony and those who had remained below. Those below asked endless questions in order to find out what was going on; those above, unable to gain any information from Kiymet Hamm Teyzes paralyzed tongue and saucer-like eyes, used their imaginations to think up answers. A long time later, it occurred to one of the people on the balcony to look where Kiymet Hamm Teyze had been looking instead of looking The dead body hanging from the branches of the cherry in < was the body of a cat. Once Kiymet Hamm Teyze realized that th others had seen what she had seen, she found her tongue again. Ah, my baby! What have they done to you? May they break iheir hands! Those who had climbed up just a short while ago began clattering down. When there was no one left behind on the balcony except mie or two women who were rubbing cologne on Kiymet Hamm I'eyzes wrists, no one could quite decide who was going to take the dead cat down. In the end, Kiymet Hamm Teyzes little son Zekeriya was found to be the most suitable to climb the tree. The i .its body was near the top of the tree, and the branches of the i berry tree were very thin. Zekeriya climbed quickly, but when the branches that couldnt take his weight began to snap and break, he understood he could not proceed any further. He climbed as high as he could, and started hitting the cats body with a rolling pin. I le hit the animal on the tail, on the nose, and wherever else he could. As he hit, the branches of the cherry tree shook wildly, and the cherries on the branches fell to the ground, and a cloud of dust from the leaves rained down on those waiting below, but somehow

komu kadn da, bembeyaz mant beklerinin zerine kzgn yadan bklm bklm yollar izdi. Herkes sofraya buyur edildi. Ama kimsede itah kalmam gibiydi. Arada, nezaketen mantlarn hamurlarn kenarndan kesinden trtklayanlar saylmazsa, kimse tek lokma koymuyordu azna. Kymet Hanm Teyze oturduu ba kede dvne dvne alamay srdryordu. O alarken, ellerinden kolonya dmeyen birka kadn nbetlee bileklerini ovmaya alyorlard. Babaanne ise dalgn gzlerle, heba olan mantlara bakyordu. Bu gidile sofra olduu gibi kalacak, bunca emee yazk olacakt. Ama birden, hi beklenmedik bir anda, Kymet Hanm Teyze alamay kesip, nndeki manty kaklamaya balad. yle sratli yiyordu ki, odadaki btn kadnlarn az ak kalmt. atr utur sesler kyordu. Kymet Hanm Teyze'nin boaltt her tabak derhal dolduruluyor; her yeni mantnn zerine bolca sarmsakl yourt dklp, kzgn ya gezdiriliyordu. O leden sonra, odadakilerin akn baklar altnda, Kymet Hanm Teyze belki on be tabak mant yedi. Tencerelerdeki mantlar dibini bulunca, komu kadnlarn srar stne srarla kendi tabaklarndan aktard mantlar da sildi sprd. Nihayet geride tek bir mant karesi bile kalmadn anladnda, arkasna yaslanp yanmaz teekkr etti ve ekledi: "Elsa da sever idi!" Ancak daha cmlesini yeni bitirmiti ki, odadaki btn kadnlar hep bir azdan feryad bastlar. Kymet Hanm Teyze'nin az kan iindeydi. O leden sonra Kymet Hanm Teyze'yi ilk defa yemek yerken grmek ocuun akln kartrmt. Anlalan Kymet Hanm Teyze robot filan deildi. O da herkes gibi yemek yiyordu; o da herkes gibi insand ite. iyi de, robot olmasa, hi onca manty atlamadan yiyebilir miydi? "Senle ben ok iyi arkada olacaz. Bilirsin, arkadalar her eyi konuabilir." Doktor gen ve bykszd. Kaln caml gzlkleri, mavi gzleri vard. ocuk onun ilk hastasyd. Eyalarla ykl kamyon mahalleden ayrlrken, ofrn yannda oturan babaanne dnp,

the cats body just didnt fall. Then the inhabitants of the neighbourhood decided to put a stop to this, saying it wasnt right for anyones corpse, even a cats, to be subjected to so much indignity. They all rolled up their sleeves and started shaking the tree, with Zekeriya still in it. Within a few seconds, first dozens of cherries, then the rolling pin, and Zekeriya, and finally the dead cat, came tumbling down in a cloud of dust, accompanied by cries. Everyone bent down to look. Without any doubt, this was Elsas bloody body. It had been blindfolded with a cherry coloured muslin cloth that had little sea shells sewn into the corners. The cats open mouth was full of baby flies whose origin 203 ELIF SHAFAK no one knew. There were no wounds anywhere, and it wasnt clear where the beads of blood on its whiskers had come from. When the muslin cloth was untied, everyone bent down and examined Elsas eyes with curiosity. They didnt look as if they were dead. With the eyes encrusted with sleep, it seemed as if at any moment the cat might get up and stretch, yawn, and then climb into someones lap. At this point, the people of the neighbourhood found themselves bringing their hands to their eyes to rub the sleep out of them. No one wanted to resemble a dead body, even if it was that of a cat. Suddenly, a wave rippled through the crowd. Kiymet Hamm Teyze, her wrists tied with cologne-soaked handkerchiefs, cologne-soaked rags wrapped around her head, nauseated from having drunk water laced with cologne, diving into the crowd with an agility unexpected from such an enormous body, with two neighbour women chasing her with bottles of cologne, threw herself on Elsas dead body. As she wailed in grief, tears began to form in the eyes of the people who had gathered in the garden. After having rubbed the sleep out of their eyes, everyone was now wiping tears from their eyes, and bottles of cologne were being passed from hand to hand. After a long while Kiymet Hamm Teyze raised her head. With a look of anguish and hatred, she

yirmi iki senedir oturduu tuzlanm ala yeili 170 eve bakt yal gzlerle. Bu sabah son bir kez ansn denemek iin st katn kapsn almt. "Kymet Hanm! Gzn seveyim karma beni evimden. Bunca senedir kiracnm, ne kusurumu grdn? Bunca zaman komuluk yapmadk m? Yz yze baktk. Bi kt gnmz oldu mu sen syle. nan ki gidecek. Haber saldm anasna babasna. Gelip alacaklar. 'Biliyorsun, ortalk ok kark. Bir mddet sende kalsn' dedi olum, ses etmedim ben de. 'Sonra gelir alrz' dedi. Torunumdur dedim, kabul ettim. Hi grmemitim bu yana kadar. Ne bileyim bu ocuun byle iblis olduunu. Anasna ekmi zaar. Bilsem ister miydim yanmda? Aman Kymet Hanm, bu yatan sonra karma beni evimden. Kuran'a el basaym. Yaknda gidecek!" Kymet Hanm Teyze, nuh demi peygamber dememiti. Eyalarla ykl kamyon ehrin teki yakasnda, be katl bir apartmann nnde durdu. Burada babaannenin kz oturuyordu; kocas ve ocuuyla birlikte. Babaanne, bu yatan sonra damadn evinde snt gibi yaamasna sebep olanlara beddua ede ede kt merdivenleri. ocuk bir adm arkasndan geliyordu. Bu evin bahesi yoktu. i bo sakslarla dolu bir balkonu vard sadece. ocuk bir ara balkona kp, her bir saksya birka vine ekirdei brakt. Sakslarda toprak olmadn biliyordu. nemi yoktu. Nasl olsa yaknda gidecekti buralardan. "Eer kt bir ey olduysa, bunu bana anlatabilirsin." Sessizlik uzadka endiesi artan gen doktor, iki- dakikada bir, kaln caml gzlklerini kartp, yumuack bir kadife parasyla temizliyordu. Gzlklerini kardnda, burnunun dibini dahi gremeyen mavi gzleri utanga bir ltya brnyordu. ocuk onun bu hallerini seviyordu. Onu seyretmeyi seviyordu. "Peki peki tamam," dedi doktor, kollarn iki yana ap, pes ettiini gstererek. "Bari unu anlat. Babaannenin evinden tanmadan evvel atya kmsn. Herkesi ok meraklandrmsn. Bana atya niye ktn anlatmak ister misin?" ocuk tuzlanm ala

carefully examined those who had gathered around. Then suddenly, her eyes, bloodshot from weeping, settled on the child. She did it! That bug-eyed child did this! Shes treated Elsa badly ever since she got here. Shes a devil. A devil, a devil! There was complete silence. As if they had received very strict orders, no one moved or spoke. As it drew on, the silence became so deep that you could hear the itinerant peddlers ice-cream dripping as it melted, their simits crackling as they dried, and their balloons hissing as they slowly let out air. Only Kiymet Hamm Teyze, only she had the audacity to break the silence. Say it! Tell everyone! Tell them that this muslin cloth is yours! You brat. Talk. After the sleep and the tears,I wonder l>< gait la w lit* eyes of those gathered in the garden. I wonder il tin la Mlf I wonder if such a little child could do such a terrible thing ( htlilti*n loved cats, after all. I wonder if this child loves cats? The stern In ad t racher of the primary school, who organized frequent meetings as in opportunity to tell people that television was a bad influence on * hildren and that if he had children they wouldnt watch television, was examining the child carefully. I wonder had gathered more in Ins eyes than in anyone elses. With difficulty, grandmother managed to convince Kiymet Hamm I cyze to come to the bottom floor of the house the colour of salted ! ,reen almonds and take a little rest. Meanwhile, the neighbour women were bumping into one another in their haste to prepare the meal. In the blink of an eye, a young girl had put out the plates, a slightly older girl had put out the knives and forks; just behind them, two large-bellied women, carrying the two enormous pots, began spooning the dumplings onto the plates; a step behind, a tall woman poured garlic yoghurt from a long, narrow-mouthed vessel, and another, tiny woman dribbled melted butter over the white dumplings from a little pan.

yeili eve geldiinde yaz mevsimi yeni balyordu. Babaanne ocuun bavulunu ap, iindekileri tek tek divann zerine dizmiti. ortlar, oraplar, donlar, apkalar kmt bavuldan. 171 Bir de rengrenk misketler. "Giyecek baka eyin yok mu senin?" O gnn akam ocuk, babaannenin kendisi iin satn ald uzun kollu kahverengi elbiseyi giymiti. "imdi biraz kza benzedin!" Babaanne bavulu kapatp, dolabn zerine yerletirmiti. Bavulun iindeki kyafetler ne darda giyilmeliydi, ne de ieride. ocuk, ortlarn darda giymemesi gerektiini anlamt anlamasna da, evin iindeyken kimden sakndna akl erdirememiti. Onu kim grecekti ki evde, drt duvar arasnda? Babaanne bu soruya o gn cevap vermemiti. "Ne gryorsun resimde?" Resimde, zerinde kestane pien bir soba, kabark bir yer yast, krmz bir yn yuma vard. "Doru drst bakmadn bile," dedi gen doktor, resmi tekrar ocuun eline tututururken. "Ltfen daha dikkatli bak." Resimde, zerinde kestane pien sobann yannda, kabark yer yastnn zerinde, krmz yn yuma ile oynayan bir kedi vard. "Benim de bir kedim var biliyor musun? Belki bir gn buraya getiririm, seversin. H? Kedileri sever misin?" T gibiydi babaanne. yle yava inerdi ki lokmalar, disiz aznda tel tel zlerek tadn oktan yitiren yemeini nihayet yuttuunda, ne yediini unutmu olurdu. Zaten bir nemi de yoktu. Yemek semek nankrlkt. yle derdi. yle derdi ve zaman zaman, bile bile kt piirirdi yemekleri. Bazen hi tuz serpmez, bazen de acy basar ya da gdm ya koymazd. ocuk her eyi yemeye almalyd. Tabii, yememeye de. Sk sk oru tutard babaanne. Gemi ve gelecek Ramazanlarn borlar hi azalmazd. Byle gnlerde, aka sylemese de, ocuun da onunla birlikte oru tutmasn beklerdi. ocuk itiraz etmezdi. Babaannenin yannda azna hibir ey srmez, ama dar kar kmaz soluu arka bahedeki vine aacnn yannda alrd. Ne var ki, bir gn hi beklemedii bir anda, bu hnzrca oyundan vazgemek zorunda kald. nk o gn babaanne

Everyone was called to the table. But it was as if no one had any appetite left. If you dont count a few nibbles from the dough at the edges of the dumplings, no one ate a bite. Kiymet Hamm Teyze, seated at the head of the table, was weeping inconsolably. As she wept, several women, standing by on duty with bottles of cologne that never left their hands, were trying to rub her wrists. Grandmother was looking absent-mindedly at the neglected dumplings. It seemed as if the table would remain the way it was, and all that work would be wasted. But suddenly, at a completely unexpected moment, Kiymet Hamm Teyze stopped crying, and started spooning up the dumplings in front of her. She ate with such speed that the rest of the women in the room were left with their mouths hanging open. She ate noisily Every time Kiymet Hamm Teyze finished her plate, it was filled again immediately; every new ELIF SHAFAK plate of dumplings had lots of garlic yoghurt poured over it, and was dribbled with melted butter. That afternoon, under the surprised eyes of the others in the room, Kiymet Hamm Teyze ate perhaps fifteen plates of dumplings. When shed finished the dumplings in the pots, she polished off the plates that the neighbour women insisted on passing to her. Finally, when she realized there was not a single dumpling left, she leaned back, said a half-hearted thank you, and added, Elsa would have loved it too. Before shed even finished the sentence, all of the women in the room shrieked as one. Kiymet Hamm Teyzes mouth was full of blood. That afternoon, seeing Kiymet Hamm Teyze eat for the first time, the child became confused. It was clear that Kiymet Hamm Teyze wasnt a robot or anything. She ate food just like everyone else; she was a person like everyone else, after all. But if she wasnt a robot, how could she eat so many dumplings without exploding? You and I will become very good friends. And you know that friends talk about everything. The doctor was young and had no

ocuun vine lekeleriyle dolu parmak ularn smsk tutup, dosdoru gzlerinin iine bakt. Niha172 yet konutuunda, nar kabuu kadar sert, nar kabuu gibi alacal dudaklar, alayc bir tebessmle ie doru kvrlmt. "Hadi diyelim ki, beni kandrdn. Gizlice vine yediini Allah grmez mi sandn?" "stemiyorsan konuma. Ama eer susmaya devam edersen arkadam deilsin demektir. Eer arkadam deilsen, artk beni bir daha gremezsin." Kaln caml gzlklerini kartp temizlemeye koyuldu. Tehdit ie yaramt. O ana kadar azn bak amayan ocuk, telala konumaya balad. Bildii btn masallar anlatt doktora. Ardndan, baka masallar uydurdu. Kslan sesine, kuruyan azna aldrmadan ve dilinin kanamasndan korkmadan konutu, konutu, konutu. O konutuka gen doktorun mavi gzleri bulanyor, ehresi kararyordu. ocuk babaannenin verdii paketi at. Yeni bir elbise bekliyordu ama bu sefer paketten bir tlbent kt. Kenarlarna ufack deniz kabuklar ilenmi, vine rengi bir tlbent. O gn namaz klmasn rendi. Seccadenin zerinde babaannenin yaptklarn taklit ederken, deniz kabuklarnn seslerini dinledi. Hep bir azdan konuuyordu deniz kabuklan. Ne dedikleri anlalmyordu. Babaanne seccadesini katlayp kenara kaldrdnda, ocuk da peinden seyirtti. "Ne zaman seyrediyor peki?" "Senin benim zamanm m bu?" Tanr zamanszd. Zamann ekerleme yapt saatlerde dahi uyumuyor, insanlar seyretmeye devam ediyordu. ocuk seccadesini katlayp, babaannenin seccadesinin zerine koydu. "Niye seyrediyor peki?" "Ananda babanda kabahat," dedi babaanne bkkn bir sesle. "Bi ey retmemiler sana. Kendilerine benzetmek isterler zaar." ocuk sylenenleri duymam gibiydi. Sanki akl baka yerdeydi. Tam babaanne odadan kmak zereyken, arkasndan bard. "Peki ya gece? Karanlk olunca? Karanlkta da grebilir mi?" Babaanne dnp, sanki ilk defa gryormuasna tepeden trnaa dikkatle szmt

moustache. He wore thick-lensed glasses, and had bright blue eyes. The child was his first patient. As the lorry loaded with furniture left the neighbourhood, grandmother, who was sitting next to the driver, turned to look back with tears in her eyes at the house the colour of salted green almonds where she had lived for twenty-two years. That morning, shed knocked on the door of the second floor to try her luck one last time. I III' ( A / I Kiymet Hamm! Please dont throw me out of my house. After .ill these years as your tenant, what fault do you find with me? 1 lavent we been good neighbours all these years? Weve looked into each others eyes.Tell me if there have ever been any problems between us. Believe me, shes going to go. Ive sent news to her mother and father. Theyre going to come and get her. You know, things are a bit confused at the moment. Let her stay with you for .1 while, my son said, and I didnt say anything. Well come and get her later, he said. Shes my grandchild, I said, and I accepted tlie situation. Id never even seen her before. How was I to know shed be such an imp? She must take after her mother. If Id known, would I have wanted her to stay with me? Please, Kiymet Hamm leyze, dont throw me out of my house at my age. I swear on the Koran. Shell be leaving soon. Kiymet Hamm Teyze didnt go back on her word. The truck loaded with furniture pulled up in front of a five storey apartment building on the other side of the city. This was where grandmothers daughter lived; with her husband and three children. As she climbed the steps, grandmother cursed the reasons why, at her age, she would have to live as an unwanted extra person in her sonin-laws house. The child followed one step behind. This house had no garden. It only had a balcony with empty flowerpots. At one point, the child went out onto the balcony and put several cherry pits into one of the flower pots. She knew that there was no earth in the flower pots. This wasnt important. In any

ocuu. te o zaman sylemiti o sz. 173 "Dilini tutmal insan. ok konuann dili kanar." Babaanne odadan ktnda, alamad cevabn harfleriyle binlerce kelime mt ocuun zihnine. Anlalan gndzleri ister evin iinde olsun, ister dnda, hareketlerine dikkat etmeli ve devaml seyredildiini aklndan karmamalyd. Ama galiba gece bakayd. Tanr galiba geceleri yeryzn seyretmiyordu. Gece bu yzden bu kadar karanlkt; kmr karasyd gece. Kmrlk karas/ O gnden sonra, geceleri ge yatmaya balad. "Bugnlerde ok yemek yiyormusun. yle mi?" ocuk candan bir tebessmle ban sallad. Arkadan kaybetmek istemedii iin arkasna yaslanp, konumaya balad. Hi acele etmeden, hi ara vermeden, tane tane anlatt pencereleri akide ekerinden, kaps badem ezmesinden, bacas bezeden, imleri ilekli pudingden, itleri ifte kavrulmutan, odalar koz helvadan, ats ikolatadan kulbeyi kemirirken, dnyann en kt kalpli cadsna esir den Hansel ile Gretel'in masaln. O anlatrken, gen doktor ban ellerinin arasna alm, nne bakyordu. nnde, sehpann zerinde, ocuun yarsn yiyip brakt simit duruyordu. "Kprdama," dedi yabanc adam. "Sakn kjprdama, olur mu?" Bunu sylemesine gerek yoktu ki. ocuk zaten kprdamyordu. Hem de yle aniden duruvermi, donakalm gibi deil, zaten mrnde bir kez olsun hareket etmemiesine kprdamyor, kprdayam-yordu. Ters dnm su bardann iinde srtnda bir ar lsyle kouturan alkan karncaya benziyordu kprtszl; hep ayn balang noktasnda, hep ayn ocuksu hayretle bakyordu dnyann yuvarlaklna. Su bardann da bir d vard elbet. Ama ocuk orada deildi. Kmrlkteydi. "Aferin," dedi yabanc adam. "imdi bir oyun oynayacaz seninle. Say sayma oyunu." Yandaki evin arka bahesinde bir kmrlk vard; inko daml, iki kapl. Kaplardan biri devaml kapalyd, tekiyse her zaman ak. Kapal kapnn zerinde kocaman bir kilit aslyd.

event, she was going to leave this place soon. If something bad happened, you can tell me about it. The doctor, whose anxiety increased as the silence drew on, took off his glasses every two or three minutes and cleaned them with a soft piece of velvet. When he took off his glasses there was a glimmer of shame in his bright blue eyes, with which he couldnt ELIF SHAFAK even see beyond the end of his nose. The child liked him when he was like this. She liked to watch him. All right, all right, OK. Said the doctor, opening his arms wide in a gesture of surrender. But just tell me this. Before you moved out of your grandmothers house you climbed onto the roof. You made everyone very worried. Do you want to tell me why you climbed onto the roof? When the child arrived at the house the colour of salted green almonds, the summer season was just beginning. Grandmother opened the childs suitcase, and arranged the contents one by one on the divan. Shorts, socks, underpants and hats came out of the suitcase. As well as multi-coloured marbles. Dont you have anything else to wear? On the evening of the day the child put on the long-sleeved brown dress her paternal grandmother had bought for her. Now you look more like a girl! Grandmother closed the suitcase and put it on top of the closet. The clothes in the suitcase could be worn neither outside nor inside. The child could understand why she shouldnt wear shorts outside, but she couldnt understand who she would be hiding from inside. Who was going to see her at home, within the four walls? Her grandmother didnt answer this question that day. What do you see in the picture? In the picture, next to a stove on which chestnuts were roasting, there was a puffy cushion and a red ball of wool. You didnt even look properly, said the young doctor as he thrust the picture back into the childs hands. Please look more

Klk odun-kmr orada saklanrd. Ak kapnn kilide ihtiyac yoktu. Hrszlar boluu almazd. 174 Ufack bir pencere vard ieride. Cam krkt. Oradan giren gne nlar, daha iki admda takatten dtnden, ierisi hep karanlkt. Cam krklar, odun paralan, kimbilir ne ok aranm misketler, sararm gazeteler, topuu krlm, teki kaybolmu kadn ayakkabs, lime lime olmu demlik szgeci, iinde kesik bir trnak skm pasl trnak makas, jilet krklar, karnca duas, paralanm bir zerlikten salm nohutlar, o karanlkta birbirlerine sokulup, fsr fsr konuurlard. Bir de ocuklar urard buraya, saklamba oynayan ocuklar. in asl, kmrlk, btn ebelerin kafasn kartrrd. Tahmini en kolay saklanma yeri olduundan kimse buraya saklanmaz, kimse buraya saklanmad iin ebe kmrle bakmaya lzum duymaz ve ebenin kolay kolay bakmad her yer gibi, kmrlk de gzde bir saklanma yeri olarak kalrd. "Saymasn biliyorsun deil mi?" Oysa ocuk kmrle zaten rakamlardan kaarak gelmiti. Ebe yzn duvara dner dnmez, teki ocuklarla birlikte ok gibi frlamt. Ksa bir tereddtten sonra, bahe duvarn ap, Krmz Caka' nn ardna saklanmaya karar vermiti. O esnada ebe, en crtlak sesiyle "biiiir!" diye barmt. Krmz Caka, Kymet Hanm Teyze'nin byk olu Abdullah'n yeni arabasyd. Abdullah, burnu bile kanamadan atlatt kazalarda gcr gcr arabalar hurdaya evirdikten sonra, gzyalan iinde kendini yerden yere atarak, bundan byle ikinin damlasn dahi azna koymayacana dair mahalleli huzurunda Ku-ran'a el basar; birka gn yeminine sadk kalmay baarp, nne gelene artk yepyeni bir adam olduunu anlatr; derken, hep syledii zere kalbi temiz, evresi habis olduundan kt arkadalarnn kt emellerine kurban gider; ok gemeden, verdii btn szleri, dkt btn gzyalarn unutmu vaziyette gcr gcr bir arabayla arz- endam eder; mahallenin delikanllann yeni arabasyla

carefully. I THE GAZE In the picture, on the puffy cushion next to the stove on which chestnuts were roasting, there was a cat playing with a red ball of wool. Do you know that I have a cat too? Perhaps I can bring it here one day. Do you like cats? (irandmother was tall and wiry. She chewed so slowly that when she finally swallowed the mouthful that her toothless mouth had dissolved into strands from which the taste had long since been leached, shed forgotten what she had eaten. It didnt matter anyway. Being picky about food amounted to ingratitude. Thats what she used to say. Thats what she used to say sometimes, and she would deliberately cook badly. Sometimes she didnt add any salt, or else put in too much hot pepper, or didnt use oil.The child had to become accustomed to eating everything. And also, of course, to not eating. Grandmother fasted frequently. The days she had to make up for from past and future Ramadans never lessened. On these days, even though it wasnt stated openly, the child was expected to keep the fast with her. She wouldnt put anything into her mouth when she was in her grandmothers presence, but the moment she went into t lie back garden she went straight to the cherry tree. But one day, at a completely unexpected moment, she had to give up this mischievous game. Because that day, taking the childs cherry stained fingers and squeezing them tighdy, grandmother looked straight into her eyes. When she finally spoke, her lips, which were as hard and motded as a pomegranate rind, twisted into a mottled smile. Lets say, for instance, that you managed to deceive me. Did you think that Allah wouldnt see you secretly eating cherries? 'Dont talk if you dont want to. But if you dont talk that means youre not my friend. If youre not my friend, that means you wont ELIF SHAFAK see me again. He took off his thick-lensed glasses and set about polishing

dolatrrken, okuyup adam olmalar, byklerinin sznden kmamalar iin hepsine bol bol nasihat verir; ayn gnn akamna, nasihatlerine meyhanede devam eder; gece biterken, en iyi ihtimalle bir aaca toslad yeni arabasnn paralan banda salya smk alayp, tvbe stne tvbe ediyor olurdu. Kymet Hanm Teyze'nin oullarna zrnk koklatmad gayet iyi bilindiinden, Abdullah'n bunca paray nereden bulduu hususunda rivayet muhtelifti. Arabalar aldna inananlar ounluktayd; alp da boyattna. Hep ayn renge: cart krmzya. Krmz Caka bir Mercedes'ti. Boya yetmemi olmalyd ki, n kapanda dalga dalga aklklar vard. Abdullah bu arabay getirip 175 tuzlanm ala yeili evin nne park ettikten hemen sonra nedense ortadan kaybolduu iin, yaklak iki ay var ki Krmz Caka, baka hibir cart krmz arabaya nasip olmayan bir huzurla tatl tatl uyukluyordu mahallenin ortasnda. Ebe "ikiiii!" diye barmt. Tam o esnada, kmrln nnden geiyordu ocuk. Birden, Krmz Caka ok uzak grnmt gzne. Fikrini deitirmiti. Hzla kmrle dalp, kapy arkasndan kapatmt. eride bir bakas daha vard. Oyun d biri. eride bir adam vard. Yabancyd. Cam krk pencerenin altnda, gne nlarnn takatten kesildii yerde ylece duruyordu. Yznn yans aydnlkta, yans karanlktayd. Srtn duvara dayam, ban ellerinin arasna almt. Olduka endieli grnyordu. Belki de alyordu. st ba dzgnd. Ayakkablar, kmrln kirine tozuna bulam olmalarna ramen prl prl parlyordu. Belli ki adam ingene deildi. ocuk, ingenelerden uzak durmas gerektiini biliyordu. ingenelerin ayakkablar byle olmazd. Bu adam bir yabanc. (Kimin nesi acaba?) Yabanclardan uzak durmal. (Ne kadar da mutsuz grnyor!) En iyisi birilerine haber vermeli. (Burada ne aryor?) Hemen imdi kmrlkten kmal. (kar kmaz ebe sobeler!) eride yabanc bir adam var. (Darda ebe var!) ocuk t karmamaya gayret ederek, kapya yakn bir yere

them. The threat had worked. The child, whose mouth could not until now have been pried open with a knife, started to talk hurriedly. She told the doctor all of the fairy tales she knew. After that, she started to make up her own fairy tales. She talked and talked and talked, without minding that her mouth was drying up and without worrying that her tongue might bleed. As she talked, the young doctors bright blue eyes clouded, and his face darkened. The child opened the package her grandmother had given her She had been expecting a new dress, but this time a muslin cloth emerged from the package. It was a cherrycoloured cloth with little seashells sewn in the corners. That day she learned how to pray. As she copied what he grandmother did on the prayer rug, she listened to the voices o the seashells. The seashells always spoke with one voice. When grandmother folded up the prayer rug and put it in a corner, the child followed her. When does he watch me, then? Isnt Gods time different from yours or mine? God was timeless. Even during the hours when time naps, he doesnt sleep, and continues to watch people. The child folded up her prayer rug and put it on top of her grandmothers prayer rug. Why does he watch, then? This is your mother and fathers fault, said grandmother in an irritated tone. They didnt teach you anything. They wanted to make you the way they are. It was as if the child hadnt heard what had been said. It was as it her thoughts were elsewhere. Just as her grandmother was about to leave the room, she shouted after her. THE GAZE What about the night? When it gets dark? Can he see in the lark? (.randmother turned and examined the child from head to toe as if the had never seen her before. Thats when she said those words. People should hold their tongues. Talkative peoples tongues bleed. When grandmother left the room, a

oturdu. Gzlerini adamdan ayramyordu. Darda ebe, sobeledii ocuklarn dinmeyen itirazlarna kfrlerle karlk veriyordu. Ebenin az yle bozuktu ki, sobelenen ocuklardan birinin annesi dayanamayp sokaa frlam, ebeyi akama babasna ikyet edeceini sylemek iin ocuklarn kavgasna karmt. Bu hengmenin ortasnda, belli belirsiz tprtlar duyuluyordu kmrlkte. Sanki birisi dikkatli admlarla inko damn zerinde yryordu; birisi/ ya da bir kedi/ Bir mddet sonra, yabanc adam yava yava doruldu. O kadar ar hareket ediyordu ki, insan onun canl olup olmadndan phe duyabilirdi. Belki de bu yolunu arm adam, patronlu kadn dergilerine baka baka dikilmi bir kuklayd. Kuma yetmemi olacak ki, dar geliyordu ceketi. ocuun, grdklerini saklad ekmecede byle bir kukla vard. Lunaparkta grd bir kukla. Sar sal boyal dudakl oyuncak bebeklerin, taklalar atan elektrikli arabalann, rengrenk topalarn, fosforlu yoyolarn, kuyruklu uurtmalarn, tek bir 176 paras eksilince artk ie yaramayan yap-bozlarn arasnda ipliklerini sarktm, sabrla bekleyen bir kukla. top vermilerdi eline. Toplar atp dadrebildii takdirde, kukla onun olacakt. Drememiti. Adamn gzleri o kuklann gzlerinden ok daha gzeldi, zeytin yeili. Hi kl yoktu yznde, belki de kseydi. ocuk hi kprdamadan, gzleri adamda, kula sokaktaki ocuklarn kavgasnda ylece oturuyordu. Darda ebe dne dolaa hep ayn kfrleri basyor; hep ayn yerlere saklanan ocuklar hep ayn yerlerde sobelenip, hep ayn biimde mztyordu. Artk sesi duyulmadna gre, ebeyi paylamak iin sokaa frlayan kadn da evine dnm olmalyd. Belli ki oyun sona eriyordu. Bu gidile ok yaknda anak mlek patlayacakt. Birazdan dan kmalyd. "Benimle bir oyun oynar msn? Say saymaca oyunu. Oynamak ister misin?" Tpk gzleri gibi sesi de gzeldi. "imdi seninle e kadar sayacaz," diye fsldad. "Say

thousand sentences formed imin the letters of the answer she hadnt received flocked through ihe childs mind. She understood that during the day, whether she \\ .is inside or outside, she had to be careful about what she did and i' i keep in mind that she was constantly being watched. But perhaps ilie night was different. Perhaps at night God didnt watch the world. This was why the night was so dark. The night was as black is coal. Coal shed black/ After that day, she started to go to bed later at night. Youre eating a lot these days. Isnt that so? The child nodded with a heartfelt smile. Because she didnt want to lose her friend, she leaned back and started talking. Without hurrying, and without taking a break, and in great detail, she told the story of Hansel and Gretel, who fell under the power "f the worlds most wicked witch, while they were nibbling at the glazed sugar windows, and the door made of marzipan, and i he chimney of dough, and the lawn of strawberry pudding, the fences of double whipped cream, the rooms of nougat, and the hocolate roof. As she told the story, the doctor sat with his head in his hands, i toking straight ahead. In front of him, on the table, was the childs half -eaten simit. ELIF SHAFAK Dont move, said the strange man. Dont move at all, all right? There was no need for him to say this. The child wasnt moving anyway. And shed stopped so suddenly, it wasnt as if she was frozen in place, but as if she had never moved even once in her life, and couldnt move. Her motionlessness resembled a hardworking ant running around a dead bee lying on its back at the bottom of an empty water glass; from the same starting point it always watched the world turn, and turn again, with the same delighted amazement. The water glass had an outside, of course. But the child wasnt there. She was in the coal shed. Good for you, said the strange man. Now Im going to play a game with you. A counting game.

saymasn biliyorsun deil mi? Ne dersin, sayalm m?" ocuk tabii ki saymay biliyordu; ksa bir tereddtten sonra ban sallad. O zaman adam ocuun yanan okad. Elleri gzeldi, tpk gzleri ve sesi gibi. "Aferin! Ben 'bir' dediimde gzn yumacaksn. 'ki' dediimde aacaksn. Ben '' demeden oyun bitmez. '' demeden kmrlkten kmak yok. Anlatk m?" Danda, ocuklar ona sesleniyordu. Ayn oyun yeniden balayacak, baka biri ebe olacakt. smi onu anyordu. kmalyd. "Biiir!" dedi adam. "Yum gzn!" ocuk gzn yumar yummaz karanlkta kalmt. Dosdoru karanln iine bakt ve orada rakamlardan Bir'i grd. Alelade bir rakam deildi Bir. Fevkaladeydi. Gebe kadnlara benziyordu; sadece zaman meselesiydi teklii. Yaknda bir baka can kartacakt canndan ve onun neye benzediini bilememenin endiesi daha imdiden okunuyordu yznden. ocuk, Bir'e baknca korkuya kapld. imdi hemen, bir saniye daha beklemeden, ald karara gecikmeden, Bir'in doum vakti gelmeden kamalyd buradan. Kamak iin evvela gzlerini amalyd ama ne yazk ki gzleri Bir'de takl kalmt. Eliyle elbisesini yoklad. Babaannenin ald elbise zerinde olduu iin, hi tanmad bu yabanc adamn karsnda plak kalmad iin byk bir rahatlama duydu. Kmrln her taraf krk camlarla doluydu. Elbisesiz kaldnda cam paralarnn vcudunu 177 kesmesinden korkuyordu. Ama en ok diki inelerinden korkuyordu. Babaanne onlarn yryebildiim sylyordu. Bir diki inesi, hrt diye insann etine batar, sonra da damarlardan yrye yrye gidip kalbi delerdi. "kiii!" dedi adam. "A gzn!" ocuk gzn aar amaz aydnlkta kalmt. Dosdoru aydnln iine bakt ve orada rakamlardan Iki'yi grd. Alelade bir rakam deildi ki. Fevkaladeydi. Tali bir yola benziyordu; anayolun gzerghndan ekip koparmt kendini. Balad yeri grmek kolay, sapa aikrd ama menzili mehul, nereye vardn kestirmek ise imknszd. ocuk ki'ye baknca dehete kapld. imdi hemen, bir saniye

In the back garden of the house next door there was a coal shed; with a zinc roof, and two doors. One of the doors was always closed, and the other was always open. There was a big padlock on the door that was closed. They kept wood and coal there in the winter. There was no need for a lock on the door that was left open. Thieves couldnt steal emptiness. There was a tiny window inside. The glass was broken. Two steps from the rays of sunlight that entered there, it was completely dark inside. There were pieces of broken glass, pieces of wood, countless lost marbles, yellowed newspapers, a single ladys shoe with a broken heel, a tattered tea-strainer, rusty fingernail-clippers with a piece of fingernail stuck in them, broken razors, scattered chick-peas from a torn paper cone had all gathered together in the darkness and were whispering to each other. And children stopped by sometimes, children who were playing hide-andseek. In truth, the coal shed always confused the person who was it. Because it was the easiest place to guess, no one hid there, but because no one ever hid there, it didnt feel it necessary to look there, and like every place where it is unlikely to look, it remained a favourite hiding place. You know how to count, dont you? THI (.A/I Actually the child had come to the coal shed to escape I/ / numbers. As soon as it turned his head to the wall, she and the other children were off together like a shot. After a brief hesitation, she decided to climb the garden wall and hide behind Red Show-i iff. Just then, it shouted one! in a loud voice. Red Show-off was Kiymet Hamm Teyzes oldest sons new car. Every time Abdullah emerged without a scratch from accidents that turned his cars into scrap metal, he would throw himself to the ground in tears, .ind swear to the whole neighbourhood on the Koran that not a drop would ever again pass his lips; managing to keep his oath for .1 few days, he told everyone he met that he was a completely new man, and on top of this he would say that he had

daha beklemeden, ald karara gecikmeden, Iki'nin nereye vardn grmeden kamalyd buradan. stelik artk gzleri kapal da deildi ama ne yazk ki gzleri ki'de tabii kalmt. Ve ki'nin olduu yerde, hep bir bakas vard. Bakas, pembe bir et parasyd. Etraf kvr kvr, siyah siyah kllarla kaplyd. Kllarn ortasndan, susam bir hayvann dili gibi aa sarkmt. Et paras seyredilmekten holanyor olmalyd ki, ocuk ona baktka, o da vakur bir edayla ban kaldryordu. Yava yava deiiyordu. Byyor, geniliyor, koyulayordu. Palazlanyordu; damar damar. Kymet Hanm Teyze'nin bacaklarndaki eflatun kablolara zerre kadar benzemiyordu bu damarlar. ocuk, onun byle bymeye devam ettii takdirde yaknda kmrle smayacan dnmeye balamt ki, et paras pattadak durdu. Durdu ve beklemeye koyuldu. Darda saklamba oynayanlar da durmu olmalyd ki, t kmyor, yaprak kprdamyordu. ocuk, bu lgnln derinlerinde bir yerlerde, bir ift gzbebeinin olan biten her eyi izlediini hissediyordu. Ne kendisine, ne de yabanc adama ait olan; ne uzak, ne yakn/ bir baka yerden bakan. Seyrediliyordu; kim ya da ne olduunu bilemedii bir canl tarafndan. zerindeki gzlerin kaynan bulmak isterdi istemesine de, oyunbozanlk edemiyor, baklarn et parasndan ayramyordu. Tam o esnada adam yaklamaya balad. ocuksa kendi kendine, korkacak bir ey olmadn sylyordu. Nasl olsa, bir sonraki rakam 't. Ve hep ki'den sonra geldiine gre, yaknlarda bir yerlerde olmalyd. nk o hi gecikmezdi. Hatta yle abuk gelirdi ki, ebe ki'deyken hl saklanmay baaramayan, 'te muhtemelen akta kalm olurdu. Demek ki az kalmt bu tatsz tuzsuz oyunun sona ermesine. Nihayet kp gidebilecekti dendiinde. Kmr178 i lkten kacak ve bir daha admn atmayacakt buraya. Bir daha asla oyun oynamayacakt kmrlkteki

always been a good man and that he was a victim of bad company and wayward friends; before long, forgetting all his promises and all his tears, he would show up in a brand new car; as he drove the young men of the neighbourhood around in his new car, he would advise them that they had to become men, and go beyond what their elders had told them, and he would continue giving this advice at the tavern; at the end of the evening, at best, weeping next to the wreckage of the new car he had wrapped around a tree, he would be making vow after vow. Everyone knew that Kiymet Hamm Teyze had never given any money to her sons. It was a mystery where Abdullah managed to find so much money. Most people thought that he stole the cars; stole them and painted them. They were always the same colour: bright red. Red Show-Off was a Mercedes. It hadnt been enough just to paint it, it had waves and waves of highlights on the bonnet. Because, for whatever reason, Abdullah had disappeared soon after parking Red Show-Off in front of the house the colour of salted green almonds, for almost two months now Red Show-Off had been dozing sweetly in the middle of the neighbourhood, with a peace that no other bright red car had ever known. It shouted,Twooo!Just at that moment, the child was passing in front of the coal shed. Suddenly, Red Show-Off seemed very far ELIF SHAFAK away. She changed her mind. Quickly, she dove into the coal shed and pulled the door closed behind her. There was someone else inside. Someone who was not part of the game. There was a man inside. He was a stranger. He was just standing there, under the broken window, where the rays of sunlight shone in. Half of his face was in the light, and half was in the dark. He was leaning his back against the wall, and held his head in his hands. He looked very worried. Perhaps he was crying. He was welldressed. His shoes were very shiny despite being covered with coal dust. It was clear that the man was

yabanclarla. oktan piman olmutu olmasna da, azat edilmek iin ' bekliyordu. Azck daha/ Kurtulacakt biraz sonra. Oysa 'ten evvel, et paras geldi. Geldi ve azndan ieri girdi. Aznda adm adm ilerledi. ocuk donakalmt. Adamsa durmadan hrlyordu. Hrltlar ocua Elsa'y hatrlatmt. Gds okandnda, Elsa da aynen byle sesler kartrd. Ama giderek hzlanyordu hrltlar. ocuk imdi de, kar evde oturan emekli tarih retmenini hatrlamt. Emeldi retmen astm hastasyd. Ne vakit merdiven ksa, o da aynen byle hrlard. Ama daha, daha da hzlanyordu hrltlar. Bir mddet sonra, hrltlar yle hzlanm, yle oalmlard ki, ocuk artk onlar neye benzetebileceini kestiremiyordu. Pembe et paras bir ileri, bir geri gidip geliyordu aznn iinde ama ocuk artk onu grmyordu. Artk hibir ey grmyordu. Gzlerinin ak m kapal m olduunu bile bilmiyordu. Midesi bulanyordu. Derken, tam da midesi isyan bayran ekmiken ve midi kesilmek zereyken; tam da az evvelki kprtszlna inat inatla hzlanmken kinat ve adamn hrltlar bouk iniltilere dnmken; miadn doldurdu bir rakam ve miadn dolduran her rakam gibi, o da bir sonraki rakama yknd. ki, sona ermiti. Et paras azndan kt. Geride brakt bolua tuhaf bir sv akt. Yap yapt. Tad berbatt. ocuk daha fazla dayanamayp, midesine kapy at. Kusmaya balad. Et parasnn azna kustuunu, o da dar kustu. Artk ac sudan baka bir ey kusamadn anladnda, alamamak iin kendini zor tutarak ban kaldrd. Dosdoru yokluun iine bakt ve 'n yokluunun, hem Bir'den hem ki'den ve hatta 'n kendisinden bile beter olduunu grd. nk adam gitmiti. Gitmiti. "" demeden gitmiti. Komunun arka bahesinde bir kmrlk vard; inko daml, iki kapl. inde bir ocuk mahsur kald. Gzlerini yumsa da, asa da fark etmiyordu artk. Gzlerini yumsa da, asa da grd tek ey kmrlk karasyd. Herkes, her ey, ayn kr renge boyanmt. Kustuu beyazlk, yedii vineler,

not a gypsy. The child knew that one had to stay away from gypsies. Gypsies shoes were never like this. This man is a stranger. (I wonder who he is?) Strangers were to be avoided. (How unhappy he looks!) The best thing to do is to tell someone. (What is he looking for here?) She should leave the coal shed at once. (The moment she left she would become it!) There was a strange man inside. (It was outside.) The child sat near the door, trying hard not to make a sound. She didnt take her eyes off the man. Outside, it was swearing at the children he had found but who were not listening to him. It had such a foul mouth that one childs mother, unable to stand it any longer, rushed out into the street, said she would complain to its father that evening, and got involved in the childrens quarrel. In the middle of this uproar, faint padding sounds were heard in the coal shed. As if someone was walking gingerly across the zinc roof; someone/ or else a cat/ A while later, the strange man slowly straightened himself up. His movements were so slow and heavy that a person might wonder whether or not he was alive. Perhaps this man who had lost his way was really one of those puppets that women sewed while looking at fashion magazines. There must not have been enough cloth, because his jacket looked a little tight. The child had a puppet like rm <.A/t this in the drawer where she kept things she had seen. A puppet sh< had seen at the amusement park. A puppet who waited patiently, hanging on a string, among the dolls with yellow hair and painted lips, the electric cars that did somersaults, the multi-coloured tops, the phosphorescent yo-yos, the tailed kites and the jigsaw puzzles that were useless when a single piece was missing.They gave her three balls. If she could knock it down with the balls, the puppet would be hers. She hadnt been able to knock it down. The mans eyes were an olive green, and much more beautiful than the puppets eyes. He had no whiskers

Kymet Hanm Teyze'nin bacaklarndaki damarlar, hatta Abdullah'n Krmz Caka's bile, kmrlk karasyd. 179 "Hl masal anlatmaktan bkmadn m? nk ben bktm. Anlyor musun?" Gen doktor sinirli sinirli dolayordu. Nihayet yorulup, ocuun karsndaki koltua atarken kendini, "artk yeter!" diye inledi. Ayn anda bir atrt duyuldu. Krlan kalp sesini andran bir atrt. Doktor telala ayaa frlad; dnp, az evvel oturduu yere bakt. Gzlklerinin zerine oturmutu. Kmrlk karas bir glde yzyordu. Ilkt gl. myordu. Daha nce deil gl, su birikintisi bile yoktu burada. Demek ki, gl kendi yaratmt. Bu da demekti ki, gl gzyalaryla yaratmt. "Meer ne ok alamm," diye mrldand. Bu kadar ok alam olduu iin byk bir rahatlama duydu. Belki de biraz daha alamay baarrsa, gzyalar her taraf kaplayacak, kmrln kaps kendiliinden aralanacakt. tte o zaman, hibir ey iin kayglanmadan, ka doru kula atacak, buradan kurtulacakt. Ve kimse kalkp da onu, ""' beklememekle sulayamayacakt. Tam kendini gln akna brakacakt ki, surat asld burnundan gelen bir ihbar zerine. Koklaynca anlad ki, gl zannettii bir i birikintisiymi. Meer altna iemi. Telala ellerini gzlerinde gezdirdi. Kupkuruydu ite. Alamamt, hem de hi. Hi alamam olduu iin derin bir utan duydu. Keskin bir ac sapland midesine, kibklm kvranrken, gzetlendii hissine kapld bir kez daha. Ama bu sefer, zerindeki gzlerin kaynan bulmaya kararlyd. Buldu da. Tam karsnda duruyordu: Elsa! Elsa, kmrln cam krk penceresinde oturmu, sabit gzlerle ocuu izlemekteydi. Gzlerinin i yeili kstah; kstahln gzleri i yeildi. Dnya kuruldu kurulal oradayd sanki; kefetmedii tek bir sr, kaydetmedii tek bir gnah kalmamt. Kmrlkte olan biten her eyin ahidiydi. ocuk, sinirden zangr zangr titreyerek ayaa kalkt. Yerde bulduu kmr parasn kapt gibi kediye

on his face, and perhaps he was naturally beardless. The child sat motionless, with her eyes on the man, listening to the children fighting outside. Outside, it was wandering around swearing; he kept finding the same children in the same hiding places, and always complained in the same way. As her voice could no longer be heard, the woman who had come out to scold it had probably gone home. It was clear that the game was coming to an end. At this rate, all hell was going to break loose soon. She had to go out soon. Will you play a game with me? A counting game? Would you like to play? His voice was just as beautiful as his eyes. Now were going to count to three together, he whispered.You know how to count, dont you? What do you say, shall we count? Of course the child knew how to count: after a brief hesitation she nodded her head. Then the man caressed the childs cheek. His hands were beautiful, just like his voice and his eyes. Good for you! When I say one youre to close your eyes. When I say two youre to open them. The game isnt over until I say three. Theres no leaving the coal shed until I say three. Do you understand? Outside, the children were calling her. They were going to start the game over again, someone else was going to be it.They were calling her name. She had to go out. One! said the man. Close your eyes! 11.11- SHAFAK The moment the child closed her eyes she was in darkness. Sli looked straight into the darkness, and there she saw the numb One. One was not a run-of-the-mill number. It was extraordinary It was like a pregnant woman; its singularity was only a matter o time. Soon another life would emerge from its life, and its anxiety about what that life would look like was already showing on its face. The child was seized by fear as she looked at One. She had to flee this place right now, without waiting another moment, before it was too late to act on her decision, before it was

frlatt. Iskalad. fkeyle bakt Elsa'nn arkasndan. Artk kmrlkte durmann anlam kalmamt. O orada, kendi rzasyla ktle dahil olduunu, buna ramen bir damla gzya bile dkmediini, yapt tek eyin altna iemek olduunu bilmenin utancyla bo yere ""n gelmesini bekleyedursun, bandan beri eksiksiz noksansz her eyi gren gzler, grdklerini hafzalarna kaydetmiti oktan. 180 Elsa her eyi grmt; grmemesi gereken her eyi. Oysa insan bir kabahat ilemise, buna ahit olanlarla ayn yerde barnamaz artk. Gz gze gelemez ahitler ile kabahatliler. Kendileri unutmak istese bile olanlar, birbirlerinin gzlerinde tazelenir hafzalar. En iyisi bir an evvel gitmekti; tpk dallarn terk eden vineler gibi. Kocamand dnya. Kocaman olmalyd. Dou'da ya da Bat'da, yeterince uzakta, ne Elsa'nn grecei, ne de Elsa'y grecei bir yer olmalyd muhakkak. Terk etmek istedii ev, tuzlanm ala yeiliydi. Tuzlanm ala yeili ev, babaannenin eviydi. "imdi senden bu resmi boyaman istiyorum. stediin rengi kullanabilirsin. Ama btn resmi boyamalsn. Boyanmadk tek bir yer bile kalmamal. Hadi bakalm!" Sehpann zerinde bir kutu pastel boya duruyordu. ocuk yle bir bakt boyalara. Her renk, baka bir yiyecei getiriyordu aklna. Boyalara baktka ackyordu. Ama bundan, dikkatle kendisini szen doktora bahsetmedi. Resimde bir aile vard. Baba koltuktayd; bacak bacak stne atm gazete okuyordu. Anne ayaktayd; t masasnda t yapyordu. Anneanne kanapedeydi; gzlklerini takm rg ryordu. Biri kz biri erkek iki kk ocuk halnn zerindeydi; oyuncaklarn sam, oyun oynuyorlard. ocuk, babann terliklerinden annenin tsne, anneannenin yn yumandan ocuklann oyuncaklarna kadar resimdeki her eyi tek tek boyad. Terlikleri spanak yeiline, ty sumuhallebisi beyazna, yn yuman elma ekeri krmzsna, oyuncaklar yumurta sarsna boyad. "Peki ya uan balon?" dedi gen doktor. "Onu niye boyamadn?" ocuk afallad. Resimde uan balon filan yoktu. Bir evin ii

time for One to give birth. In order to flee she first had to open her eyes, but unfortunately her eyes were fastened on One. She felt her dress with her hands. It was a great relief to her that she was wearing the dress her grandmother had bought her, and therefore wasnt naked in front of this strange man. The floor of the coal shed was completely covered with broken glass. She was afraid that if she wasnt wearing her dress, the glass would cut her body. But she was even more frightened of sewing needles. A sewing needle entered a persons flesh, wandered through the veins until it reached the heart and pierced it. Twoo! said the man.Open your eyes! As soon as the child opened her eyes she was in the light. She looked straight into the light and saw the number Two. Two was not a run-of-the-mill number. It was extraordinary. It resembled a forked road; it had split itself off from the route of its main road. It was easy to see where it began, but its length was unknown, and it was impossible to determine where it ended. The child was struck with terror as she looked at Two. She had to flee this place right now, without waiting another moment, before it was too late to act on her decision, before she saw where Two ended. On top of this, her eyes were not closed, but unfortunately her eyes remained fastened on Two. And wherever Two was, there was always another. That other was a piece of pink flesh. It was surrounded by very curly, very black hairs. It hung down from among these hairs like the tongue of a thirsty animal. The piece of meat must have liked 216 THE GAZE being looked at, because as the child looked at it, it raised its head in a dignified manner.Very slowly, it was changing. It was becoming bigger, and longer, and thicker. It was becoming fat, with bulging veins. These veins didnt resemble the purple cables on Kiymet 11 arum Teyzes legs one bit. Just as the child was thinking that

gsteriliyordu sadece. Ama eilip dikkatlice baknca doktorun hakl olduunu anlad. Ailenin oturduu odann penceresinden minnack bir gkyz grlyordu. Orada, bulutlarn arasnda bir uan balon vard. ocuk, bir yandan renk semeye alrken, bir yandan da uup kamasn diye parmayla uan balonun zerine bastrd. Ayn anda gen doktor eilip ocuun parmana bakt. Etleri koparlm, eytan 181 trnaklar yolunmu parmak, grldn anlaynca korkuya kapld. Telala boyalarn arasna sakland. ocuun yz sapsar kesilmiti. Bunu daha nce nasl dnememiti ki? Sitem dolu gzlerle yukar bakt. Kmrln tavannda, daha nce farkna varmad krk bir ampul aslyd. Ne bu rmcek alaryla dolu tavan, ne de zerindeki inko dam, Elsa'nn grdklerini, Tanr'dan saklayabilirdi. Dimdik bir yoku vard cehennemde. Gnahkrlar, rlplak soyunup, gnahlaryla dolu kfelerini srtladktan sonra yokuu trmanmaya balard. Kfeler ar, yoku dik, yerler kaygand. Hepsi kan ter iinde kalrd. Ayaklar kayard. Gerisin geri yuvarlanrlard. Kfelerindeki gnahlar yerlere salrd. Ama her gnah kime ait olduunu bilir, gidip kendi sahibinin ayana yaprd. Yukarlara doru daha da kayganlard yoku. Ta aada, yokuun dibinde, cehennem ateinin kazanlar sralanmt. Gnahkrlar alevlerden kamak iin yeniden yokuu trmanmaya balard. Ama yoku silme buzdu; aas ise saf ate. yle diyordu babaanne. yle diyor ve ne zaman yoku kmak zorunda kalsa, nceden durup, aa kaymamak iin dualar okuyordu. yle diyor ve ocua yokulardan uzak durmasn tembihliyordu. Yokular cehenneme alyordu. Cehennem, ismi kadar korkuntu. Korku dolu gzlerle kmrln tavanna bakt. Medet umabilecei tek ey geceydi. nk eer geceyse, eer yeterince karanlksa, yani eer yeterince kmrlk karasysa bu kmrlk/ Tanr bir ey grmemi olabilirdi. Ve eer Tanr tarafndan grlmemise, yokulardan aa yuvarlanmaz, cehennemi boylamazd.

if it continued to grow it would no longer fit in the coal shed, the piece of flesh stopped suddenly. It stopped and waited. Outside they must have stopped playing hide-andseek, because there was not a sound, and not even a leaf moved. The child felt that somewhere in the depths of this deathly silence, a pair of eyes was watching everything. They belonged neither to her nor to the strange man; neither far nor near/ watching from somewhere else. She was being watched; by someone or something unknown. No matter how much she wanted to find the source of the eyes that were on her, she couldnt ruin the game, and didnt take her eyes off the piece of flesh. Just at that moment the man began to approach. The child told herself that there was nothing to be frightened of. Anyway, the next number was Three. And since Three always came right after Two, it had to be nearby somewhere. Because it was never late. Indeed it came so quickly that anyone who hadnt succeeded in hiding by the time it counted to Two would definitely be caught out in the open at Three. That meant it was not long before this unpleasant game came to an end. She would finally be able to leave when Three arrived. She would leave the coal shed and never step foot in it again. She would never again play games with strangers in coal sheds. She already regretted taking part, and was waiting for Three to liberate her. Just a little longer/ she would be free in just a little while. But before Three, the piece of flesh arrived. It arrived and entered her mouth. It advanced step by step into her mouth. The man was wheezing heavily. This wheezing reminded the child of Elsa. When you stroked her under the chin she made sounds just like this. But the wheezing was continually growing faster. Now the child ELIF SHAFAK remembered the retired history teacher who lived in the house across the way. The retired teacher had asthma. Whenever he climbed stairs he wheezed exacdy like this. A while later, the wheezing was so fast and so heavy that the child

mit dolu gzlerle kmrln tavanna bakt. Madem ki ampul krk, kmrlk karanlkt, geceden ne fark vard ki? Akl karmt. Keke bulutlarn zerine kmann bir yolunu bulup, Tanr'ya kmrlkte olanlar grp grmediini sorabilseydi. Keke Tanr tarafndan grlp grlmediini bilebilseydi. Mutfan arka kapsndan eve girerken, babaannenin sesini iitti. Onu aryorlard; bahede, sokaklarda, konu komuda, Krmz Caka'nn altnda, Uzak Kasap'n nnde, yukar mahallede/ Belli ki saklamba biteli ok olmu, yokluu herkesi telalandrmt. imdi oluk o182 cuk, konu komu herkes onu aryordu. Banyoya gitti. Azn alkalad. stndeki elbiseyi kard. Azn alkalad. Lifi kprtt. Azn alkalad. Liflendi. Azn alkalad. Salarn ampuanlad. Azn alkalad. Salarn durulad. Azn alkalad. Havluyla kuruland. Azn alkalad. Salarn tarad. Azn alkalad. Temiz i amarlar giydi. Azn alkalad. Dolabn stnden bavulunu indirdi. Azn alkalad. Bavuldan en sevdii ortunu kard. Azn alkalad. ortun stne bir de tirt uydurdu. Azn alkalad. apkalarndan birini takt. Azn alkalad. Yanna bir tane un kurabiyesi ald. Azn alkalad. Artk yola kmaya hazrd. Azn alkalad. D kapy at. Babaanne karsndayd. Babaanne, saatlerdir btn mahallede fellik fellik arad ve kaybolduu takdirde ana babasna nasl hesap vereceini kestiremedii ocuu karsnda grnce, sinirlerine hkim olamad. Okkal bir tokat att. ocuk, dt yerden kalkt. Elinden frlayan un kurabiyesinin zerine bast. Banyoya gitti. Azn alkalad. "Byle yemek yemeye devam edersen ileride iko bir kadn olacaksn. O zaman da kimse seni beenmeyecek. Biliyorsun deil mi? Herkesin sana iko demesini mi istiyorsun?" Doktor gzlklerini krdndan beri, mavi gzlerini ksarak, krptrarak bakyordu ocua. ocuk da sakl bir tebessmle bakyordu qna. Azn alkalad. Salona girdi. Salona girdiinde, mahallenin btn

couldnt determine what it resembled. The piece of flesh was moving back and forth in her mouth, but the child couldnt see it now. She didnt see anything now. She didnt even know if her eyes were open or closed. She felt nauseous. Suddenly, just as her stomach was about to raise the flag of rebellion and she was about to loose hope; just as the cosmos was stubbornly beginning to gather speed to emerge from its motionlessness of a short while ago and the mans wheezes were turning into hoarse moans; just when, like any number that lives out its life and any number that is living out its life, it imitated the next number. Two finally came to an end. The piece of flesh left her mouth. A strange liquid flowed in the emptiness it had left behind. It was very sticky. It had a terrible taste. The child couldnt bear it, and opened the door to her stomach She began to vomit. She vomited out what the piece of flesh ha vomited into her mouth. When she realized that she was vomiting nothing but bitter liquid, she lifted her head and made an effort not to cry. She looked directly into the nothingness and saw that the absence ofThree was worse than One and Two and even than Three. Because the man had gone. Hed gone. Hed left without saying Three. There was a coal shed in the neighbours back garden; with a zinc roof, and two doors. A child was stuck inside. It didnt matter whether she closed her eyes or opened them. Whether she opened her eyes or closed them, all she saw was the blackness of the coal shed. Everything and everyone was painted in the same colour of blindness. The whiteness shed vomited, the cherries shed eaten, the veins on Kiymet Hamm Teyzes legs, and even Abdullahs Red Show-Off were coal shed black. I Ml < A / I Arent you tired of telling fairy tales yet? Because Im fed up. Do you understand? The young doctor was pacing about irritably Finally he grew tired, threw himself into the armchair across from the child, and moaned,

kadnlar oradayd. Gen yal btn kadnlar, ayakta durmak aypmasna koltuklara, sandalyelere, minderlere tk tk, kucak kucaa oturmu; tanmadklar bir lnn, tatmadklar bir lmn yasn tutarcasna endieyle birbirlerine sokulmu, bekliyorlard. ocuk salonun tam ortasnda durup, dikkatle bakt kadnlara. uval uval patates, teneke teneke ya, petek petek bal, f f turu, kelle kelle eker, hevenk hevenk soan, kfe kfe meyve, paket paket biskvi, kalp kalp peynir, kutu kutu ikolata, kavanoz kavanoz okella grd onlara baknca. Ackt; hem de ok. O kadar ackt ki, tahamml edemedii insanlarn tahamml edemedii baklarn trtkladktan sonra, muamba masa rtsnn ze183 I rindeki zm salkmlarn dilemeye balad. O kadar ackt ki, kan toplayan trnak gibi morarp, zerine abanan l arl yemeye koyuldu al. Gene de azndaki berbat taddan kurtulamyordu. Acilen baka eyler yemeliydi. Babaanne telaland. Henz yemek yapmamt. Oysa yedikleri diinin kovuunu bile doldurmayan alk imdi de fersiz gzlerini evin duvarlarna dikmiti. Madem ki tuzlanm ala yeiliydi ev, tad da gzel olabilirdi. Neyse ki aln duvarlara dadanmasna ramak kala, komu kadnlardan biri bir kou evine gidip, koca bir tencere yemekle dnd. ocuk, tabana konan yemein tadna bakar bakmaz irkildi. Komu kadnn pilavnn tuzu da, ya da haddinden fazlayd. Televizyonda Tom ve Jerry vard, tencerede pirin pilav. (Jerry ok ackmt) ok ackmt. (St dolu kseyi gzne kestirdi) Tencereyi nne ekti. (Ama ksenin yannda Tom uyuyordu) Kapa kaldrd. (Tom'un gzleri araland) Tencere azna kadar doluydu. (Jerry son anda kedinin penesinden kurtuldu) "Bi tabak daha alabilir miyim?" "Tabii yavrum. Sevdin mi pilavm?" (Jerry klk deitirdi) Kadnlardan biri bir srahi ayran getirdi. (Dii kedi klna girdi) Ayran kpk kpk kabarmt. (St dolu kse sadece bir adm tedeydi) Srahiyi

Enough! At the same moment a snapping sound was heard. A snapping sound that was reminiscent of a breaking heart. The doctor jumped to his feet in panic; he turned and looked at the place where hed just sat. Hed sat on his glasses. She was swimming in a lake that was coal shed black. The lake was warm. She wasnt cold. Before there hadnt even been a puddle here, let alone a lake.This meant that she must have created the lake herself. This meant that the lake must have been created from her tears. It seems Ive cried a great deal, she whimpered. She felt a great sense of relief at having cried so much. Perhaps if she managed to cry some more, her tears would cover everything, and the door of the coal shed would open by itself. Then, without having to worry about anything, she could swim straight to the exit, and be free of this place. She was just about to abandon herself to the currents of the lake when an incriminating smell reached her nose. When she smelled it she understood that what she had thought was a lake was in fact a puddle of piss. It seemed shed pissed herself. In alarm, she touched her eyes. They were completely dry. She hadnt cried, not at all. She felt a deep shame at not having cried. She felt a sharp pain in her stomach. As she twisted about, she felt once again that she was being watched. But this time she was determined to find who was watching her. And she did. Standing right in front of her: Elsa! Elsa was sitting in the window with the broken glass, watching the child with fixed eyes. The raw green of her eyes was insolent; ELIF SHAFAK the eyes of insolence were a raw green. It was as if she had been there since the beginning of the world; there was no secret she had not discovered, no sin that she had not recorded. She was a witness to everything that had happened in the coal shed. The child jumped to her feet trembling with irritation. She picked up a lump of coal and flung in at the cat. She missed. She looked angrily at the

nne ekti. (Tom, ksenin banda nbet tutuyordu) Kadnlar gz ucuyla onu izliyordu. (St bembeyazd) Ayran bembeyazd. (Tom pek nazikti) Herkes pek nazikti. (Dii kedi klndaki Jerry ksedeki st bir dikite iti) Bir srahi ayran bir dikite iti. (Tom dii kediye k olmutu) Kadnlar afallamt. "Bi tabak daha alabilir miyim?" (Jerry'nin kostmnden bir iplik sarkmt) Sanki bu sefer tabana daha az pilav koymulard. (Kostm hzla sklyordu) Hzla yiyordu. (Tom kandrldn anlad) Tabak arabuk bitti. (Hrlayarak, hl kendini dii kedi zanneden Jerry'nin zerine atld) Elini tencereye daldrd. (Jerry son anda kamay baard) Pirin taneleri bir yere kaamad. (Jerry nde, Tom arkada koturmaca balad) Mncklaya mncklaya ezdii pirinleri, avu avu yemeye balad. (Kedi de fare de nefes nefese kalmt) Soluu tkanmt. (Gene de dinmiyordu kovalamaca) Yedike ackyordu. (Jerry kaarken st dolu kazann iine dt) Tencerenin iine eilmiti. (Boulmamak iin, iine batt st imeye balad) Avu avu yiyordu. (Btn st ien Jerry o kadar imi, o kadar imiti 184 ki, azndan hava kabarcklar kyordu) Midesi armaya balamt. (Jerry balon olup ykselmeye balad) Arlamt. (Tom son anda fareyi kuyruundan yakalad) Gene de brakmad yemeyi, (ikisi birlikte gkyzne ykselmeye balad) Artk tencerenin dibi grnyordu. (Gkyznde bembeyaz bulutlar vard) Dip kapkarayd. "Bakalm yeni gzlklerimi beenecek misin? Karm seti." Gen doktor yeni gzlklerini takp glmsedi. Yeni gzlkler koyu caml, kemik ereveli ve dikdrtgendi. Bunlar taktnda mavi gzleri grlmyordu. ocuun surat asld. Doktor ona bakarken gzlerini grememek ktyd. Gremedii gzlerle konumak istemezdi. Bir ey sylemedi. Bir daha hibir ey sylemedi. Mide bir masal diyardr. Krk gn krk gece boyunca dolup taan ziyafet sofralarnda som altndan

retreating Elsa. There was no reason to stay in the coal shed any more. The cat had been watching from the very beginning with her eyes that saw everything and missed nothing, and had long since recorded what she had seen, while the child, having consented to take part in evil, and not having shed a single tear in spite of this, knew that all she had done was to piss herself while she was waiting shamefully and in vain for the arrival ofThree. Elsa had seen everything; everything she shouldnt have seen. When people commit sins, they cant stand to be in the same place with someone who has witnessed this. Witnesses and sinners cant face each other. Even if they want to forget, their memories are refreshed when they look into each others eyes. The best thing was to leave as soon as possible; just like the cherries that left the branches. The world was big. It had to be big. There had to be a place, in the East or in the West, where she would neither see Elsa nor be seen by her. The house she wanted to leave behind was the colour of salted green almonds. The house the colour of salted green almonds was her paternal grandmothers house. Now I want you to colour in this picture. You can use any colon you like. But you have to colour in the whole picture. You mustn' leave any of it uncoloured. Come on! Tin <*/ There was a box of crayons on the table. The child look* d u them. Every colour reminded her of something to eat. It made hoi hungry to look at these colours. But she didnt say this to the doctor who was watching her so carefully. There was a family in the picture. The father was in the armchair; he was reading a newspaper with his legs crossed. The mother was on her feet; she was ironing on an ironing board. The grandmother was on the sofa; she was wearing her glasses and she was knitting. A boy and a girl were on the carpet; toys were scattered around them, and they were playing a game.

kadehlerle ku st ve devasa kazanlarla orba datlan, rmaklarndan semavi araplar akan, elalelerinde lmszlk iksiri alayan, dalarnn doruklarndan shhat bal damlayan bir ebedi saadet diyar. Kimsenin alk nedir bilmedii, se-mirmi tokluklar diyar. Ve bunun ne kadar ho olabileceini anlamak iin, mamasndan ald her kakta glckler datan grbz bir bebein mutluluunu grmek yeter. Mide bir masal diyardr. Her krknc gnn sonunda krknc kapdan kveren ejderhann azndan pskrtt atele kl edip, ambarlarnda tek bir buday tanesi, sarnlarnda tek bir su damlas bile brakmad; yedier senelik kuraklklarn bereketini kuruttuu ve kara ormanlarnda kt kalpli byclerin kazan kazan maraz kaynatt bir ezeli lanet diyar. Kimsenin doymak nedir bilmedii, kemirgen alklar diyar. Ve bunun ne kadar korkun olabileceini anlamak iin, lm deinde yediini kusan yal ve hasta bir adamn z-drabn grmek yeter. ' Mide bir masal diyardr. Ve her masal diyar gibi, arka bahesinde srlanr., "Haftalardr bana hibir ey anlatmyorsun. Eskiden masallar anlatrdn, artk onlar da anlatmyorsun. Ben/ belki de benim tecrbesizli185 im/ bilemiyorum/ Belki benden daha deneyimli bir hekim/ yani artk bundan sonra/ " O gnden sonra ocuk ve gen doktor birbirlerini grmediler. ocukluun arka bahesi vine ekisi tadndadr. Hatrlamak, bayramlk elbiselerde leke brakr. Oysa her eyi unutmak kabildir. yidir unutmak, gz temizliidir. nsan unutunca ve unuttuka, bir kedi gibi kendi kabahatinin zerini rtebilir. Yeter ki hafza sn. Ne zaman mevsimlerden k, olanca beyazlna ramen kara diye anlacak kadar zorlu gese, yakacak bulmak iin kmrle inmek gerekir. Kmrln ralar, odunlar ve kmrleri, hatralardan mrekkeptir. Kolay tutuur hatra ralar; onlar tututuka, hafzann kimbilir hangi vakitte, kimbilir nerede donakalm damarlarna kan yrr. ralardan kan kesif duman gz yaartr geri ama iyidir alamak. Aladka

One by one, the child coloured the fathers slippers, the mothers iron, everything from the grandmothers wool to the childrens toys. She coloured the slippers spinach green, the iron pudding white, the ball of wool candied-apple red, and the toys egg yellow. What about the floating balloon? asked the young doctor. Why didnt you colour that? The child was bewildered. There was no floating balloon in the picture. It only showed the inside of a house. But when she bent down and looked carefully she saw that the doctor was right. From the window in the room where the family was sitting you could see a tiny patch of sky. There, among the clouds, was a floating balloon. While the child was trying to choose a colour, she kept her linger on the balloon so she wouldnt loose it. At the same moment the young doctor bent to look at her finger.When she realised he i ould see how chewed and torn her cuticles were, she was seized with fear. In panic she hid her finger behind the crayons. 1 he childs face was grim. How could she not have thought of ihis before? She looked up reproachfully.There was a broken light I uilb in the ceiling of the coal shed that she hadnt noticed before. Neither this cobwebbed ceiling nor the zinc roof above it could prevent God from seeing what Elsa had seen. In hell there was a steep hill. Sinners were stripped naked, and itter their sins were loaded into baskets on their backs, they began ELIF SHAFAK to climb the hill. The baskets were heavy, the hill was steep and the ground was slippery. They all struggled and perspired. Their feet would slip. They would roll back down. The sins in their baskets would scatter on the ground. But each sin knew who it belonged to, and would go stick to its owners feet. Towards the top the hill became even more slippery. Way below, at the bottom of the hill, cauldrons burning with the fires of hell had been lined up. The sinners would start climbing again to escape the flames. But the hill was sheer ice; even if it was pure fire

temizlenir gzbebei, annr. Aladka, kire, katran ve balk; al rp, brt bcek ve toz toprak aktr. Aktt kmr tozlan, savatlanm yollar izer gm teninin zerinde. Geceyi andrr. Ve ne byk bir tesellidir gece, nasl da gzeldir. Gzelliini nakeder karanla, tpk bir simke gibi srma tellerini eke eke. ocukluun arka bahesi vine ekisi tadndadr. Tadna bakann dileri kamar. Oysa her eyi unutmak kabil deildir. Gz dedikleri u hayatta tekmil grdklerini unutmay becerebilir de, grldn bir trl karamaz aklndan. ahitler olmasa gemiini unutabilir insan. ahitler varsa i deiir. nk onlarn her bak bir itham, varlklar unutmaya engeldir. Bu yzden ite, bir trl sayamyordu birden e. Bir'i bir kenara kaldrmt, ki'yi bir kenara. Habire savruluyordu ikisinin arasnda; eksiliyordu, toplamlarna varamadka. 186 STANBUL-1999 pencere: 18. yzyl filozoflarndan Leibniz'e gre, varln en kk ve paralanmaz birimleri olan monadlarn darya bakabilecekleri pencereleri yoktur. Bu yzden hibir monad baka bir monaddan etkilenmez. Her monad deiiminin nvesini kendi iinde tar. Monadlar birbirine benzeyebilir ama hibir zaman ayn olamazlar. Zira evrende birbirinin ayn olan iki ey yoktur. Farknda bile deildi. Acyla baktm BeCe'nin gzlerine. perde: Senelerdir perde satard Beyolu'nda. En ok kadife ar perdeleri sever, onlardan satmak isterdi. Ev hanmlar pek rabet etmezdi bunlara; dantelli, frfrl perdelerdi moda. Bir de jaluzi kmt son zamanlarda. Hepsinden vard dkknnda. Satmay reddettii tek perde eidi, u yeni kan effaf banyo perdeleriydi. "Hi olur mu?" diyordu rana. "Perde dediin hi effaf olur mu? effaf olursa, perdelii kalr m?" Acyla baktm gzlerine; ne hissettiini elevermeyen, bakt her eyden grmeye ve grlmeye dair malzemeler deviren, grnenden ziyade grnmeyenle

below.Thats what grandmother used to say. Thats what she said, and every time she had to climb a hill, she stopped first, and prayed that she wouldnt slide down. Thats what she said, and she warned the child to stay away from hills. Hills opened onto hell. Hell was as terrible as its name. She looked at the ceiling of the coal shed with eyes full of fear. The only help she could hope for was night. Because if it was night, if it was dark enough, that is if this coal shed was coal shed black enough/ God might not have seen anything. And if it hadnt been seen by God, she wouldnt roll down the hill, and she wouldnt end up in hell. She looked at the ceiling of the coal shed with eyes full of hope. If the light bulb was broken and the coal shed was dark, how was it different from night? She became confused. If only she could find a way to climb above the clouds, she could ask God whether or not hed seen what happened in the coal shed. If only she knew whether or not God had seen. As she went into the house through the back door of the kitchen, she heard her grandmothers voice. They were looking for her; in the garden, in the streets, at all the neighbours houses, under Red ShowOff, in front of the Far Butchers, in the upper neighbourhood/ It was clear that the game of hide-andseek was long over, and her absence alarmed everyone. Now everyone, all of THK GAZE the children and neighbours, was looking for her. She went to the bathroom. She washed out her mouth. She tout off her dress. She washed out her mouth. She soaped the sponge. She washed out her mouth. She sponged herself. She washed out hei mouth. She shampooed her hair. She washed out her mouth. She rinsed out her hair. She washed out her mouth. She dried herself with a towel. She washed out her mouth. She combed her hair. She washed out her mouth. She put on clean underwear. She washed out her mouth. She took down the suitcase from on top of the closet. She washed out her mouth. She took her favourite shorts out

ilgilenen, srf grnmeyene ulaabilmek iin grneni demekten geri durmayan, gzlerden saknmak yerine gzlerle uraan, gzlerin tacizini bile bile inadna kendini tehir edebilen, grnyle oynayp seyircilerini yanltmaya baylan, gzlerle bir alp veremedii olan, zamann nizamn kabullenmeyen ve aslnda hibir eyi grnd gibi kabullenmeyen gzlerine/ insanlar hikayeleriyle, hikyeleri insanlaryla birlikte ve her eyi her eyle balantl bir halde ve paralan bir btnde, her btn kendi paralanml iinde gren, yani bakalarnn grmediklerini, yani beni baka hi kimsenin grmedii gibi grebilen gzlerine/ sanki aceleye gelmi gibi iki incecik, iki kesik izgi halinde ekilmi ve sanki ne hissettiini elevermemeye ahdetmi, ac ikolata karas gzlerine/ grdm andan beri beni byleyen, artan, tedirgin eden ve yan hibir zaman kestiremediim gzlerine/ baktm acyla. pervane: Atei yakndan grebilmek iin kendini feda edermi pervane. BeCe'nin gzlerinde, grmeye alk olmadm bir eyler var187 di. Ve dnyaya bu gzlerden bakt iin tm varl ve tm varlyla bu kadar yabansyd, bu kadar artc. imdiye dein baklarndan rahatsz olmadm tek insand Be-Ce, gzlerimi gzlerinden alamadm tek insand. Beni grmesini, hem de daha, daha ok grmesini istediim tek insand. Eer benim kadar imansanz, gzlerden rak olmanz mmkn deildir. nsanlar gzlerini bir an bile zerinizden ayrmaz. Gittiiniz her yerde, yaptnz her ite derhal dikkatleri ekersiniz. Benim gibiler, bakalarnn gzlerinin yn tabelasdr. Diyelim ki, kalabalk bir meknda birisi birine birini gsterecek/ ite byle bir durumda, tarif etmenin en kolay yolu benim gibileri kullanmaktr. "u ilerdeki iman kadn var ya, ite onun aprazndaki kadn" ya da "iman kadnn hemen nnde duran adam"/ gibi. Byledir ite. Elimden bir ey gelmez. Bu durumda olan bakalar da vardr sanyorum; mesela, hilkat garibesi kadar irkin ve acayip, ya da peri kadar gzel ve mstesna olanlar da ayn

of the suitcase. She washed out her mouth. She put on the shorts and a t-shirt. She washed out her mouth. She' put on one of her hats. She washed out her mouth. She took a biscuit. She washed out her mouth. She was ready to leave now. She washed out her mouth. She opened the outer door. Her grandmother was standing in front of her. When grandmother, who had been searching the neighbourhood frantically and didnt know how she was going to tell her mother and father she was lost, saw the child, she couldnt control her irritation. She gave her a resounding slap. The child got up from where shed fallen. She stepped on the biscuit that had fallen from her hand. She went to the bathroom. She washed out her mouth. If you continue to eat this way youre going to become a very fat lady in the future. Then no one will like you.You know that, dont you? Do you want everyone to call you fatty? Ever since hed broken his glasses, the doctor had squinted and blinked his bright blue eyes when he looked at the child. The child was looking at him too, with a hidden smile. ELIF SHAFAK She washed out her mouth. She went into the living room. When she went into the living room, all of the women of the neighbourhood were there. All of the women young and old, feeling it was rude to remain standing, had squeezed themselves into armchairs and onto chairs and cushions; waiting there together as if they were uneasily mourning the untasted death of someone they didnt know. The child stood right in the middle of the living room and looked carefully at the women. When she looked at them she saw sacks and sacks of potatoes, tins and tins of oil, combs and combs of honey, barrels and barrels of pickles, cones and cones of sugar, strings and strings of onions, baskets and baskets of fruit, packets and packets of biscuits, wheels and wheels of cheese, boxes and boxes of chocolate, jars and jars of chockella. She was hungry; very hungry. She was so hungry that, after being

dertten muzdariptir herhalde. Her neyse. in tuhaf yan u ki, benim kadar imansanz eer, insanlar sizi hi grmezler. Bakar ve seyrederler; birbirlerine gsterir ve aralarnda konuurlar. Seyirlik bir malzemeyimdir onlarn nezdinde. Baklarnn beni rahatsz edebileceini akllarndan bile geirmezler. Srekli seyrederler. Ama grmezler. Csseme bakmaktan frsat bulup da gzlerimi grmezler. imi grmezler. portre: Bir kimsenin genellikle belden yukarsn gsteren resim. (Fatih'in portresini artr!) Be-Ce byle deildi. Onun gzleri bana byle bakmyordu. Gzlerinin fevkaladelii daha ilk karlamamzda dikkatimi ekmiti, yani o gn/ tantmz gn/ prizma: Inlan ayrtran ve saptran saydam madde. Be-Ce ile tantm gn, vapurla kardan dnyordum. Sabah erkenden yollara koyulup, gazete ilanlarnda, en az iki beden incelte-medikleri mterilerine paralarn iade edeceklerini okuduum bir aerobik merkezini yakndan grmeye gitmitim. Bir sr tombul kadnla tanmtm orada, ama grdm kadaryla ilerinde en kilolu gene bendim. Sonra incecik, t gibi aerobik hocamz gelip, "Bayanlar! Bu koca gbekleri hzla eriteceiz. Var msnz?" diye barmt. Biz de hep bir azdan neeyle haykrmtk. "Variliz!" Denemeye karar vermi, kaydm yaptrmtm. Geri oras evime epeyce uzakt ama 188 bu sayede daha ok hareket etmeyi umuyordum. Dnte vapuru tercih etmitim. Bir elimde sahlep, bir elimde simit vapurun st ksmnda oturuyordum. Hava bir hayli rzgrl olduu iin, benden baka kimse yoktu vapurun bu ksmnda. Halimden memnundum. Aerobik merkezin-dekiler daha ilk gnden sk bir rejim listesi tututurmulard elime. Sahlebimi yudumlayp, simidimi kemirirken listeyi inceliyordum. Aniden o mekanik sesi duydum. Dnp bakmadm hemen. Fark etmemi gibi yaparsam eer, geip giderdi belki; geldii yere dnerdi. Ama ses, kaytszlma meydan okurcasna adm adm yaklat. Arkamda, hemen arkamda birisi fotoraf ekiyordu.

raked by the unbearable looks of these unbearable people, she began to chew at the bunches of grapes on the oilskin table-cloth. She was so hungry that, turning purple like a bleeding fingernail, her hunger started eating at the deathly weight that was pressing down on her. But she still couldnt get rid of the terrible taste in her mouth. She urgently had to eat something else. Grandmother was in a panic. She hadnt made dinner yet. What shed eaten wasnt even enough to fill the holes in her teeth, she planted her hungry and now lustreless eyes on the wall. Since the house was the colour of salted green almonds, it might taste good too. However, before her hunger had to resort to becoming fond of the walls, one of the neighbour women rushed home and came back with a large pot of food. The womans pilaff had just a little too much salt and oil. On the television there was Tom and Jerry, and in the pot there was pilaff. (Jerry was very hungry.) She was very hungry. (He has his eyes on a jug of milk.) She pulled the pot towards her. (But Tom was sleeping next to the jug.) She lifted the lid. (Toms eyes opened THE I.A/1 slightly.) The pot was full to the top. (Jerry escapes the cats claws at the last moment.) May I have another plate? Of course, my dear. Did you like my pilaff? (Jerry had changed his appearance.) One of the women brought a carafe of ayran. (He had disguised himself as a female cat.) The ayran was frothy. (The jug of milk was only a step away.) She pulled the carafe towards her. (Tom was standing guard before the jug.) The women were watching her out of the corners of their eyes. (The milk was very white.) The ayran was very white. (Tom was very polite.) Everyone was very polite. (Jerry, dressed as a female cat, drank all of the milk in the jug in one go.) She drank a carafe of ayran in one go. (Tom has fallen in love with the female cat.) The women were bewildered. May I have another plate? (A thread was hanging from Jerrys

Birisi benim fotorafm ekiyordu. Kafam evirdiimde, bir fotoraf makinesiyle burun buruna geldim. Makinenin arkasnda, hayatmda grdm en kk insan duruyordu. Bankn zerine kmt. Devasa objektifi evire evire grnty ayarlamaya alyor, arada kafasn kartp bir de plak gzle bakyordu. Son derece rahatt. Gren de sanrd ki, bu ehrin vapur hatlarnda ccelerin, yolcularn fotoraflarn ekmesi dettendi. "Ltfen! Ben fotoraf ektirmeyi sevmem." rasathane: Mneccimba Takiyeddin'in 1578 senesinde Tophane Bay-n'nda kurduu rasathanenin iinde, her trl astronomi aletinin yan sra, bir de astronomi ile ilgili kitaplardan oluan genie bir kitaplk vard. Rasathanenin kubbesi kurunla kaplyd. Rsdlar ve muavinleri, gece gndz kocaman bir masann zerinde alrd. Masada kum saatleri, gnyeler, gk kreleri, yer kreleri, pergeller, kt rulolar, hokkalar, cetveller, rasat aletleri vard. nce eyhlislam Kadzade Ahmed emseddin Efendi gkleri rasat etmenin uursuzluk getireceini beyan etti. Ardndan, 21 Ocak 1580' de, Sultan nc Murad'n gnderdii hatt- hmayun zerine hareket geen Kaptan- Derya Kl Ali Paa, iindeki btn gzlem aralar ve kitaplarla birlikte rasathaneyi bir gecede yerle bir etti. Keke byle sylemeseydim. Daha kelimeler azmdan kar kmaz piman olmutum. Fotoraf ektirmeyi sevmem demek, fotoraflarm sevmem demeye; fotoraflarm sevmem demekse, grnm sevmem demeye geliyordu. nce olsaydm, bir ty gibi nazenin titreirken rzgrda, hnzrca bir aka sayabilirdim fotorafmn ekilmesini. Glp geerdim. imanlar da glp geebilirdi elbette, vurdumduymaz olabildikleri srece. Bense, ne zayflamay baarabi-liyordum, ne de vurdumduymaz olmay. 189 renk kr: Btn ya da baz renkleri birbirinden ayrt etmeye engel olan grme bozukluu. Israr etmemiti. Fotoraf makinesini kucana alp, az evvel zerine kt banka oturmutu. Oturunca iyice ufack kalmt. Baka-kalmtm ona. O kadar kkt ki/ Boyu en fazla

costume.) It seemed as if theyd put a little less pilaff on her plate this time. (The costume was unravelling quickly.) She was eating quickly. (Tom understood that hed been tricked.) The plate was finished very quickly (Snarling, he leaps at Jerry, who still thinks hes a female cat.) She reached her hand into the pot. (Jerry managed to escape at the last moment.) The grains of rice had no place to hide. (Tom is chasing Jerry.) She began to eat the rice, which had been finely crushed, by the handful. (Both the cat and the mouse are out of breath.) She was out of breath. (Still the chase continued.) The more she ate the hungrier she got. (While fleeing, Jerry fell into the jug of milk.) She leaned into the pot. (In order not to drown, he started to drink the milk he was sinking into.) She was eating handful after handful. (Jerry was so bloated from having drunk all the milk that bubbles were coming out of his mouth.) Her stomach began to ache. (Jerry had become a balloon and was starting to rise.) She had become very heavy. (Tom catches the mouses tail at the last moment.) Still she doesnt stop eating. (They both start rising into the sky.) Now she could see the ELIF SHAFAK bottom of the pot. (There were snow-white clouds in the sky.) The bottom of the pot was pitch black. Do you like my new glasses? My wife chose them. The young doctor put on his new glasses and smiled. The glasses were square, with dark glass and a bone frame. When he put them on you couldnt see his blue eyes. The child hung her face. It was bad not to be able to see the doctors eyes when he looked at her. She didnt want to talk to eyes she couldnt see. She didnt say anything. She never said anything again. The stomach is a mythical land. It is a land of eternal bliss where the finest food is served on golden platters in banquets that last for forty days and forty nights, where holy wine runs in the rivers, where the elixir of immortality cascades down waterfalls, where healing honey flows on top of the

dizkapam geiyor olmalyd. Bacaklar ksack, ayaklan ufackt; omuzlar darack, kulaklar minnackt. Elleri ise kocamand. Elleri cssesine gre fazla bykt. Daha nce hi cce grmemitim. Birden dndm de kimbilir ka tane cce vard bu ehirde ama ben onlar grmyordum. Cceler sokaklarda gezinip gelene geene bakmyor, spermarketler-den alveri etmiyor, ortalkta dolamyorlard. Bir cceyi evinde otururken ya da gsteri yaparken dnebiliyordum da, elinde ekirdek paketi, aylak aylak ekirdeklerini itleyip piyasa yaparken dnemiyordum mesela. Grnmez bir hleyle kuatlmt cceler; tpk pek ok seyirlik insan gibi. Bakalarnn gzlerine grnmek istemiyorlard besbelli. Birden rperdim. Var olduklar halde var olmayan, seyirlik olduklar halde ortalkta grnmeyen insanlar vard bu ehirde; cceler, sakatlar, ikolar/ gze tuhaf grnen btn insanlar/ Darnn gzlerinden saknan, evlerinin mahremiyetine snan, varlklar mahrem olan insanlar/ Ben de onlardan biriydim. Darda bir trl rahat edemedike, gnbegn kendi iime kapanm; kendi iime kapandka, darda bir trl rahat edemez olmutum. Ben bu tecrit edilmilii tercih etmitim; ama bu tecrit edilmiliin ne kadarn tercih etmitim bilinmez. Karmda oturan cce ise alabildiine rahat grnyordu. Gzlerimi ondan ayramyordum. Her daim bakalarnn baklarndan rahatsz olan ben, hayatmda ilk defa birini seyretmekten keyif alyordum. Seyrettike, kalkp gitmesinden, ksp benden uzaklamasndan endie etmeye balyordum. Aslnda galiba Be-Ce'yi grdm an, onu bir daha grememekten korkmutum. "Kabalk etmek istemedim/ benim bu tr eylerle aram pek iyi deildir de." rntgen: Et perdeyi ortadan kaldrarak insann iini gsteren alet. Ban kaldrp, dosdoru gzlerimin iine bakt. Gzlerini ilk o zaman grdm ite; bana scack glmsediinde. ini mrekkebiyle ekilmi iki incecik, iki kesik izgiydi gzleri; ac ikolata karas ren-

mountains. No one knew what hunger was in this land of plenty and of fullness. And in order to understand how pleasant this is its enough to see the happiness of a healthy baby who smiles with each spoonful of food. The stomach is a mythical land. At the end of every fortieth day the dragon emerges from the fortieth gate and breathes fire that burns to ashes every grain of wheat and leaves; not a drop of water in the cisterns; an endlessly cursed land where the harvest is dried up by seven year droughts and in whose dark forests evil-hearted witches brew cauldron after cauldron of catastrophe. A land of gnawing hunger where no one knew what it was to be full. And 1> > understand how terrible it was, it was sufficient to see the sufferin', of a sick old man vomiting what he has eaten on his deathbed. The stomach is a mythical land. And like every mythical land, it has secrets in its back garden. THE GAZE Its been weeks since youve told me anything. You used to tell fairy tales, but you dont even do that any more. I/ perhaps its my inexperience/ I dont know/ Perhaps a more experienced physician/ 1 mean after this/ After that day the child and the young doctor didnt see each other any more. The back garden of childhood has the sour taste of cherries. Remembering leaves stains on holiday clothes. In any event its possible to forget everything. Its good to forget, it cleans the eyes. When a person forgets and is forgotten, they behave like a cat who covers up its own faults. Its enough for the memory to grow cold. Sometimes in winter, when despite the white it could be called black because of the misery, its necessary to go down to the coal bin for fuel. The kindling, the wood and the coal in the coal bin are composed of memories. Kindling can .isily set memory afire; when it burns, who knows when and where blood will flow in its petrified veins. The acrid smoke of the kindling makes the eyes water, but its good to cry.The pupils are i leaned by

190 ginde. Glmsedii zaman daha da inceliyor, daha da klyorlard. Yreim azma gelmiti. Byle glmsemeye devam ederse, tamamen silinecekti sanki gzleri. Oysa bouna kayglanmtm. Ne kadar glmserse glmsesin, hibir zaman gzlerini silecek raddede mutlu olamadn zamanla anlayacaktm. Garip bir donukluu vard yznn, ilk bakta hemen fark edilmeyen ama belli zamanlarda iyiden iyiye belirginleen. Hatta bazen hibir ey anlatmyordu yz; tamamen hissiz ve ifadesiz kalyor, sanki her trl duygudan azadeymi gibi kendi saydam durgunluunda ylece durarak ve sadece durarak bu lemi kaytsz bir nazarla seyrediyordu. Byle zamanlarda gzleri, adeta buzlu bir camn ya da mumdan bir perdenin arkasndan bakarcasna, ne hissettiini elever-miyordu. Ama ben btn bunlar ok sonra anlayacaktm. Tantmz gnden ok sonra. rya: 16. yzyl stanbul'unda bir gece air Bal Efendi, gen yata len arkada Piruza Ali'yi grr ryasnda. Piruza Ali bir kda biraz toprak sararak uzatr. air Bal Efendi kd sangnn kvrmna yerletirir ve uyanr. Ertesi gn ryasn etrafndakilere anlatrken gayri ihtiyari sangna uzanr. i toprak dolu kt paras oradadr. Fotoraf makinesini boynundan kartp, bana uzatt. Bir eliyle makineyi tutarken, bir eliyle bileimi kavrad. "yleyse bir de buradan bakmay dene," dedi. "Bunu sevebilirsin. Hadi bak!" sahne: Oyuncular sahnedeyken, seyirciler koltuklarna gmlp, seyredilmenin nasl bir ey olduunu seyreder. Baktm, hem de defalarca. Etrafmda grdm her eye bir de fotoraf makinesinin arkasndan baktm. Ve derken, onun bir fotorafn ektim, sonra bir daha ve bir daha/ Vapur iskeleye yanaana kadar hi ara vermeden onun fotoraflarn ektim. Gzlerini karmadan dosdoru bakyordu bana; ona bakan bana, ona bakma. yle houma gitmiti ki fotoraflarn ekmek, elimden brakamyordum makineyi. antas film doluydu; bittike yenisini takyor ve hi itiraz etmiyordu her ann grntlemeye almama. Bir ara, o filmleri

crying, are purified. With crying, the lime, tar and clay; ticks and twigs, bugs and dusty earth are washed out. It purifies the night. And night is such a big consolation, so very beautiful. It engraves its beauty on the darkness, just like a lover of glitter pulling lu-r silver threads. The back garden of childhood has the sour taste of cherries. Those who taste it will have their teeth set on edge. So its not possible to forget everything. What we call the eyes n.iy succeed in forgetting all of what theyve seen in life, but its mpossible to stop thinking about having been seen. If there are no ELIF SHAFAK witnesses a person can forget the past. If there are witnesses everything changes. Their every look is an accusation, their existence an obstacle to forgetfulness. After all, this was why she couldnt count from one to three. One was put aside in a corner, Two in another corner. She was constantly staggering between the two; she diminished because she couldnt reach their sum. Istanbul-1999 pencere (window): According to the 18th century philosopher Leibnitz, the monad, the smallest indivisible particle, has no window through which to look out. For this reason no monad can be influenced by any other monad. Monads can resemble each other, but can never be identical. Indeed nothing in the universe is identical to anything else. He wasnt even aware. I looked into B-Cs eyes with pity. perde (curtain): For years he sold curtains in Beyoslu. He liked the heavy, velvet curtains best, and wanted to sell those. These weren't much in demand among housewives; frilly lace curtains were in fashion. And Venetian blinds had recently come out. He had all of these in his shop. The only curtains he refused to sell were the new transparent shower curtains. 'Is such a thing possible?' he said to his assistant.'Can a curtain be transparent? If it's transparent,

deitirirken usulca sokuldum yanna. Kokusu alnd burnuma. Tuhaf ama kokusu tatl bir yiyecei artryordu. Nefesi, salar, elbiseleri,/ tepeden trnaa fndkl gofret gibi kokuyordu. "Bazen bana da byle olur. Her eyin fotorafn ekmek isterim. 191 Grenle grlenin arasna arac koymak iyi gelir bazen," dedi. "iin ilgin yan ne biliyor musun, Tanrnn da ayn eyi yaptna inanyoruz. O devaml gryor, biz de devaml grlyoruz deil mi? Ve Tanr grdkleriyle arasna araclar koyuyor. Peygamberler mesela ya da melekler/ Azrail mesela ya da Cebrail/ Bizlerse hem grlmekten korkuyoruz, hem de gremediklerimizden. Grnr olsun diye, alamet bekliyoruz. Mucizeleri de bu yzden bu kadar nemsiyoruz. Mucize grmek istiyoruz. Aslnda, bazen kendi kendime dnyorum da, sanki tm varlmz ve tabii yokluumuzu da, grmek ve grlmek zerine kurmuuz." Sustu. reti bir glmseme takld dudaklarna. Sonra yzn yzme yaklatrd ve adeta bir sr verircesine fsldad. "Biliyor musun, belki de en derin yaralarmz gzlerden alyoruz." aknlkla baktm ona. saklamba: Ebe birden e sayncaya kadar, onun gremeyecei bir yere saklanm olmak gerekir. O gn btn gn beraber dolatk. O gn btn gn beraber dolarken, ilk ve son defa yan yana grlrken, onun tek bir ann dahi karmak istemedim. Admlarn benimkilere uydurmaya alrken paytak paytak yrmesinin, bodur bacaklarnn, orantsz ellerinin, her konuda anlatacak bir eyler bulmasnn, konumaya ve anlatmaya olan dknlnn, bir cmleye balamadan nce kslan gzlerinin, bir cmleyi bitirdikten sonra sylediklerini el kol hareketleriyle tamamlamaya almasnn, kendinden ok daha uzun boylu ocuklar onu annelerine gsterdiinde yahut birileri cceliini yzne vurduunda hi oral olmaynn, insanlarn kabalklarn yadrgamaynn, yalnzlnn, vurdumduymazlnn, dik ballnn, acayipliinin, tpk benim gibi seyirlik oluunun, tpk onun gibi

is it still a curtain?' I looked into his eyes in pain: His eyes that didnt give away what they were feeling, that collected material from every possible source .ibout seeing and being seen, that were interested in the invisible rather than in the visible, that looked more deeply into the visible solely in order to see the invisible; instead of avoiding the eyes of others he concerned himself with eyes, and displayed himself out of stubbornness even in the knowledge that it would subject him ELIF SHAFAK to the abuse of other eyes, who liked to fool people by changing his appearance, who has a issue with eyes, and doesnt like the way time is structured and, in fact, his eyes dont accept anything at face value/ I looked into his bitter-chocolate eyes that see the people through their stories, and stories through the people in them, that see everything connected to everything else, that see every disunity in its own wholeness and every wholeness in its own disunity, that is, that can see me in a way no one else can see/ I looked at these two thin slits of eyes that have sworn not to express what they feel/ I looked with pain. pervane (propeller): The propeller sacrificed itself in order to get a closer look at fire. There were some things in B-Cs eyes that I wasnt used to seeing. And it was because he saw the world through these eyes that his whole being was so peculiar, and that he was so bewildering with all his being. Until now, the only person whose glances didnt make me uneasy was B-C, and he was the only person I couldnt take my eyes off. He was the only person I wanted to be seen by, who I wanted to see even more of me. If youre as fat as I am, its difficult to stay out of sight. You cant stay out of peoples sight even for a moment. Wherever you go and whatever you do, you immediately attract attention. People like me are directional signs for other peoples eyes. Lets say, someone wants to point someone out in a crowded place/

seyirlik oluumun fotoraflarn ektim o gn btn gn. samur: zo. (martes zibellina) Bir ev kedisinden biraz daha byktr. (Yaklak 50 cm. boyunda) Yalnz yaar. Sincaplardan aa kozalaklarna, bceklere kadar her eyi yer. Grinin, kahverenginin ve siyahn tonlarna brnm tyleri sk ve ipeksi olduu iin krk ok makbuldr. Ona "Altn Post" derler. 17. yzyln ikinci yarsndan evvel samur, Ruslar' Sibirya'ya eken mknats olmutur. Ayn yzylda bir samur avcsnn dedii gibi, "bir samur yan yatp arka ayaklarn kaldrarak ve n ayaklaryla gzlerini rterek lmne hazrlanr." 192 Belki yzden fazla fotoraf ektim. Yzden fazla fotoraf karesinden bakp, Be-Ce'nin gndznn ve gecesinin neye benzediini, uykusuz kaldnda ve uykudan yeni kalktnda nasl olabileceini, trl trl hallerini grmeye altm. Cokuyla anlattklarn gznn nnde canlandrp gznn nnde canlandrdklarn cokuyla anlatn kh yle kh byle oluunu dinmeyen merakn taknln dalgnln hrnln seyrettim. Nihayet antasndaki btn filmleri bitirdiimde, bileimi kavrad. "Ackmadn m? Ben ok acktm." O zaman aklm bama geldi. Kimbilir ka saattir dolayorduk ve ben daha hibir ey yememi, yemeyi aklmdan dahi geirmemi-tim. Mahcup glmsedim. Lokantaya girerken, Be-Ce nden yryp bana kapy tuttu. Yan yana yeterince acayip grnmyormuuz gibi, bir de byle dikkat ekici ve gln eyler yapmasna anlam veremiyordum. Utana skla getim kapdan, ieri girer girmez, bizi fark eden ilk kominin yanndaki komiyi drtklediini grdm, ite balyordu. Tpk tahmin ettiim gibiydi. Birer birer btn balar bize doru evriliyor, konumalar kesiliyor, fsldamalar balyordu. Tek istediim ilk bo masaya oturmakt, hem de bir an nce. Oysa Be-Ce hibir masay beenmiyor, herkesin bize baktn bildii halde ortalkta dolanmaya devam ediyordu. O bir masa seene kadar ben oktan kpkrmz kesilmi, ter iinde kalmtm. BeCe inanlmaz bir hzla bira stne

well, in situations like this the best way is to use people like me as a reference point. You see that fat woman over there, the woman just across from her. Thats how it is. Theres nothing I can do about it. I think there must be other people in this situation; for instance, someone as ugly and strange as a freak, or as beautiful and as extraordinary as a jinn must face the same problem. Whatever. The strange thing about it, though, is that if youre as fat as I am, people dont see you Theyll look and theyll watch; theyll point you out and talk about THE GAZE you to each other. In their view, youre material for observation. It doesnt even cross their minds that the way they look at me makes me uncomfortable. They always watch. But they never see. Looking at my body gives them an excuse not to look into my eyes. They never see within. portre (portrait): Generally a painting that shows a person from the waist up. (Research Mehmet the Conqueror's portrait!) B-C wasnt like that. His eyes didnt look at me that way. The singularity of his eyes struck me even the first time we met, I mean that day/ the day we met. prizma (prism): a transparent substance that bends and fragments light. The day I met B-C, I was coming back from the other side of the Bosphorus by ferry. Id set out early in the morning to take a look at .m aerobics centre whose advertisement in the newspaper promised t hat customers would become two sizes thinner or get their money back. I met a number of plump women there, but as far as I could see I was the fattest one among them. Then the skinny little aerobics instructor arrived and shouted, Ladies! Were going to melt away i hose flabby tummies. Are you ready?And in unison we cheerfully i ried, Were ready! I decided to give it a try, and I registered. To tell the truth, it was really quite far from my house, but I thought i his would force me to move more. On the way back I decided to i.ike the ferry.

bira ierken, ben de mmkn olduunca yava ve nazik yiyordum midye tavam. Bam kaldrp etrafa bakmaya ekiniyordum. Garsonlarn yzne bakmyor, kimseyle gz gze gelmemeye gayret ediyordum. Bu arada Be-Ce dikkatle beni inceliyordu. Tedirginliimin farknda olmalyd. Ama bence tuhaf olan benim bu kadar tedirgin olmam deil, onun bu kadar rahat olabilmesiydi. "Niye byle tuhaf bir ismin var?" dedim nihayet bir para rahatlayp, konuabildiimde. "Gerek ismim deil tabii ki. Kkken, mahalledeki ocuklar bana hep 'cce bce, cce bce' diye barrd, ismimi soranlara 'bce' diyordum ben de. Biliyor musun, gerekten byle bir isim olduunu zannediyordum. Sonra byynce, bana taklan ismin zerinde biraz deiiklik yapmaya karar verdim. Ve ite bylece, 'bce' oldu 'Be-Ce'. Tuhaf olduunun farkndaym ama/ ben yle altm ki, gerek is193 mimle seslenseler dnp bakmam bile. Be-Ce houma gidiyor. Hem, alfabenin ikinci ve nc harfi. Yan yana gzel duruyorlar. ki ve 'm sanki. Bir'i aryorum. Bir nceki rakamdan bir eyler eksik kalm, tamamlanmam, ben de o yzden byle olmuum sanki/ Kendi kendime uyduruyorum ite. Ne oldu? Niye bu kadar ardn? ok mu sama?" Bir an sesim soluum kmad. Sanki iimde bir ey tk etmiti; ama bunun iyi mi yoksa kt m olduunu bilemiyordum. Birden, neden byle sinirlendiimi kendi kendime bile aklayamadan, "evet, bence ok sama," diye kestirip attm. "Olabilir! Ama rakamlar hafife alma. Rakamlarn cinleri vardr, unutma. Rakamlarn cinleri, bellerinde fenerleri, ellerinde sprgeleri, bit kadar her biri, dadar edilmi dilleri, mil ekilmi gzleri/ " Bu garip laflan pepee sralarken, bir yandan da parmaklarn kukla gibi oynatp, yzn ekilden sekile sokuyordu. Hayretle onu seyrediyordum. Srekli hareket halinde, kpr kpr olmasna ramen tam olarak kavrayamadm bir donukluu, duraanl vard yznn. Aniden konumay kesip, skntyla etrafna baknd. "Hadi gidelim artk," dedi. "Gidelim de u fotoraflar basalm." Ne lafn tamamlamt, ne de birasn.

I was sitting in the top section of the ferry with a sahlep in one hand and a simit in the other. Because it was terribly windy, there was no one but me in this section of the ferry. I was pleased with myself. I ven on the first day, the people at the aerobics centre had thrust a strict dieting list into my hands. Suddenly I heard that mechanical voice. I didnt turn around and look at once. If I pretended I didnt notice, perhaps he would go away; go back where hed come from. ELIF SHAFAK But the voice challenged my indifference step by step. Behind me, right behind me, someone was taking a photograph. Someone was taking my photograph. When I turned my head, I came nose to nose with a camera. Behind the camera was the smallest person Id ever seen in my life. Hed climbed onto the bench. He was turning a giant lens, trying to adjust the view, lifting his head from time to time to look with his naked eye. He was completely relaxed. To look at him, youd think it was customary for passengers on this citys ferry lines to be photographed by dwarfs. Please! I dont like having my picture taken. rasathane (observatory): In the observatory founded in Tophane in 1587 by Takiyeddin, chief astrologer of the Ottoman Sultan, there were all types of astronomical instruments arranged side-by-side, as well as an extensive library of books about astronomy. The dome of the observatory was covered in lead. Astronomers and assistants worked on a huge table day and night. There were hour-glasses, setsquares, celestial globes, terrestrial globes, compasses, rolls of paper, ink pots, rulers and astronomical instruments on the table. First, the Sheik ul-lslam Kadizade Ahmed Jemseddin Efendi issued a pronouncement that observing the skies brought bad luck. Admiral Kilig AN Pasa, acting on Sultan Murat Ill's imperial decree, levelled thr observatory, with all its books and instruments, in one night. If only I hadnt said it that way. I regretted it as soon as the wci

"Nereye?" "Eve! Hayalifener Apartmanna." sark sandal: nc Selim, ne zaman Boazii kylarnda dolamaya ksa, ahali iini gcn brakp yollara dklrd. En arkada, iolanlarn tayan alt sandal takip eden sandal, "sank sandal" idi. Bu sandaln hizmetkr, padiahn, paha biilmez mcevherlerle ilenmi bir ala sanl olan sangn tutard. Sandal kyya yakn sulardan geerken, hizmetkr da, padiahn sangn saa sola sallard. Padiah sarn grmekle deil, onun tarafndan grlmekle tazelenirdi itimad. Her eyi gren bir gzd saltanat. nce ismini sevmitim Hayalifener Apartmannn, grnce de kendisini. Apartman istanbul'un iki yakasndan birinde, mazbut ailelerle zndk bekrlarn i ie oturduu tarrakas bol bir semtte, kmas zor inmesi zor bir yokuun tepesindeydi. Ev en st kattayd ve anlalan asansr yoktu. Be-Ce nden zplaya zplaya kt basamaklar; bense geriden, hrlaya hrlaya. O dimdik yokuun ardndan bir de bu merdivenleri kmak, bacaklanmdaki, srtnmeden olumu yaralan iyice azdrdndan, adm atmak giderek glemiti. Canm acyor, gsm tkanyordu. Neyse ki Be-Ce halime bakp bir ey sylemedi, 194 gereksiz sorularla beni bunaltmad. Soru sormak yerine durmadan bir eyler anlatyordu; sylediklerine onay beklemeden vd vd konuuyordu. Galiba anlattklarndan ok anlatna kaplmtm. O konuurken, gzlerimi ondan ayramyordum. "Ne zaman bir insan merak etsem, onu ait olduu kareden kopartp, en olmadk grntye yerletirmeye alnn. Bunu yapmak, bana insanlar hakknda epey fikir verir. Diyelim bir kadn geliyor kardan. Gen, biraz da hoppa. Onu ait olduu yerden alp, zamanda ve meknda ona en yabanc, en uzak kareye yerletiririm ve bir de yle seyrederim. Ya da keza bir erkek geliyor kardan. Gen, biraz da salpa. Onun iin en olmadk kareyi bulmaya ahinm. Oraya yerletirince bambaka grnr gzme, insan ait olduu resimde ya gl ya da zayf, ya irkin ya da

were out of my mouth. To say I dont like having my picture tak > is to say that I dont like pictures of me; to say I dont like pit 11 of me is to say I dont like how I look. If I had been thin, hi feather trembling in the wind, I could grudgingly have consul' the taking of my picture as a joke. I smiled and let it pass. Fat po can smile and let things pass, as long as they remain thick-skim For my part, I could succeed neither in losing weight nor in I" thickskinned. THE GAZE renkkoru (colour blindness): A disorder of sight that obstructs the ability to distinguish all or some colours. He insisted. He sat on the bench hed climbed onto a little earlier and took the camera onto his lap. When he sat he looked very small. His legs were tiny, his feet were tiny; his shoulders were narrow and his ears were minuscule. But his hands were large. His hands were too big for a dwarf. Id never seen a dwarf before. Who knew how many dwarves there were in the city, I thought, but I never saw them. Dwarves dont watch passers-by in the street, or go shopping at supermarkets, or wander around in public. I could imagine a dwarf sitting at home or putting on a show, but not wandering about in public, a packet of sunflower seeds in his hand, cracking the seeds idly between his teeth. Dwarves are trapped in a state of invisibility; just like many people who are put on display.They dont want other peoples eyes to see them. Suddenly I shuddered. People who exist without existing, who .ire not seen in public because they are put on display; dwarves, i ripples, fat people/ all people who are strange to look at/ Those who hide from outside eyes, who embrace the privacy of their homes, who like to keep their existence private/ 1 was one of them. Somehow unable to be comfortable outside, day by day becoming more closed within myself; as I become more closed within myself, I become somehow unable to be comfortable outside. I chose this olation, but its impossible to know how much I preferred it.

gzel, ya biricik ya da sradandr. Ama ait olmad bir resmin iinde sfatlarn kaybediverir. Bir de bakarsn ki, aslnda o kadar gl deilmi ya da o kadar zayf. Ne o kadar irkin ne de o kadar gzelmi. Sen de dene. Insanlan en son ait olabilecekleri fotoraf karelerine yerletir ve birde yle bak onlara." Sevgiyle baktm ona. "Peki ya ben? Sence benim iin en olmadk fotoraf karesi hangisi?" Sevgiyle bakt bana. "Bulutlann st herhalde. Senin kadar iman biri iin en olmadk yer, gkyz olmal." Bam salladm. k olmutum. ems: Pembefiruan hanndan ktnda Mevlana, karsna dikilip demi ki ems ona: "Ey dnyann sarraf, gr beni!" O andan itibaren bir daha ondan kopamadm. Hep ertelediim zaman, bir trl varamadm diyard Be-Ce. Senelerdir hep ayn skmln iinde dnp dururken, bu halimle kimseyi sevemeyeceime ve kimsenin beni sevemeyeceine inanmken, hi beklemediim bir anda, hi beklemediim bir yerden, bir kap almt nmde. Eikten gememle birlikte paldr kldr yuvarlanvermitim ucunu bucan gremediim bir sevda lemine. Cce sevgilimin dev glgesi kesilebilirdim hi tereddt etmeden; onunla her yere gidebilir ve her yerden gidebilirdim, tesini dnmeden. Oysa dnmeliydim, dnmeliydik. nk biz birbirimize yakmyorduk. Hani u, ksack boylu olduklan iin, tm kilolanna ramen hl ufak ve tostoparlak grnen kadnlardan biri de deildim 195 ki ben/ Sadece enlemesine deil, boylamasna da normalin ok zerinde olduum iin, Be-Ce ile yan yana durduumuzda, hem kilolar, hem de boylar bakmndan dehetengiz bir tezat kyordu ortaya. Yan yana iken ylesine ireti duruyorduk ki, dar birlikte kmamz sz konusu bile olamazd. Eskaza teki sevgililer gibi sokaklarda ele-le dolamaya teebbs etsek, bizi her gren glmekten fenalk geirirdi herhalde. Yzotuziki kiloluk gvdemin admlarna ayak uydurmaya alrken seksen santimlik sevgilim, insanlar

The dwarf across from me looked as comfortable as could I couldnt take my eyes off him. I who was always made in omfortable by the glances of others, found pleasure in watching nieone for the first time in my life. As I watched, I began to worry i lie might get up and go, that he would become offended and ilidraw from me. Indeed, perhaps, from the moment I saw B-C, I .ired never seeing him again. I didnt mean to be rude/ Im not very good at these tilings. ELIF SHAFAK rontgen (x-ray): An instrument that lifts the curtain of flesh and reveals a person's insides. He raised his head and looked straight into my eyes. Thats the first time I really saw his eyes; when he smiled warmly at me. His eyes were two short, thin little lines drawn with Chinese ink; his eyes had the black colour of bitter chocolate. When he smiled they became even smaller and thinner. My heart was in my mouth. It was as if he continued smiling this way, his eyes would be erased completely. In any event, I had no cause for worry. I was to realise in time that no matter how much he smiled, he was never able to be happy enough to erase his eyes. There was a strange lack of lustre in his eyes that wasnt immediately apparent at first glance, but which at certain times became quite evident. Indeed sometimes his face didnt say anything; it remained completely without feeling or expression; as if they were somehow free of emotion, as if standing there, simply standing there in his transparent calm, he gazed at the world with indifference. At times like these it was as he was looking through frosted glass or a curtain of wax, and I couldnt tell what he felt. But I didnt understand all of this until much later. A long time after the day we met. ruya (dream): One night, in 16th century Istanbul, air Bali Efendi sees his friend Piruza Ali, who had died at a young age, in a dream. Piruza Ali wraps some dirt in paper and gives it to him. air Bali Efendi puts the twist of paper in a fold of his turban. The next day, while telling those around him

birbirlerine bizi gsterip, bizi seyredeceklerdi. Dudaklanndaki alayc tebessmleri bastrma gerei duymadan, seviip sevimediimizi geireceklerdi akllarndan. Bir an bile gzlerini ayramayacaklard gzlerinin nndeki grntnn glnlnden. iko ile ccenin seyirlik tezatn belki de gnlerce drmeyeceklerdi dillerinden. BeCe de ben de, zaten teden beri seyirliktik insanlarn gznde. Ama imdi bir araya geldiimizde, hele bir de elele tutumaya kaltmzda, sadece seyirlik olmakla kalmyor, elencelik de oluyorduk. Ayr ayr iken acayip, yan yana durduumuzda ise hem acayip hem de gln grnyorduk. Biz, gze hitap etmiyorduk. Bu yzden ite, Hayalifener Apartman gibisi yoktu. Burada mahremdi hayat; bakalarnn gzlerinden, gzlerin tacizinden muaft. Geri komu kadnlarn merakl gzleri devaml zerimizdeydi ama bir kez evin iine girince, saknacak bir ey kalmyordu. Rahattm burada, huzurluydum. Ailemle birlikte oturduum eve dnmeyi dnmyordum. Bizimkilerin beni ne kadar sevdiini biliyordum bilmesine de, sevgilerinin iine merhamet kartn grmek istemiyordum. Benim iin zlmelerinden bkmtm artk. Senelerdir annem de babam da, ortada ters giden hibir ey yokmu, mutlu bir ai-leymiiz gibi davranmaya aladursun, ben, onlarn dillerinin da vurmad znty gzlerinden okumaktan bkmtm. Evden ayrlmak bana iyi gelecekti. te bylece, eyalarm toplayp, Hayalifener Apartmanna yerlemitim. Burada, hem gvdemin kapanndan, hem de beni rahatsz eden baklardan kurtulabileceimi hissediyordum. Deiiyordum. Hatta zaman zaman, nasl grndm dnmediim bile oluyordu. Senelerdir gvdemin gzlklerinden kendime ve cmle leme bakmaya alm olan ben, ara sra da olsa gzlklerimi kartabiliyordum. stelik, gvdemi atlayp ve atlatp, dosdoru iime bakmay baarabildiimde, bilmediim yanlarm kefediyordum. Be-Ce bana akla baktka, ben de kendimi ve cmle lemi bambaka gzlerle 196 grmeyi reniyordum. ou zaman, onun gzlerinden bakabilmek, neyi

about his dream, he reaches involuntarily for his turban. There he finds the twist of paper filled with dirt. He took the camera from around his neck and handed it to me. While he held the camera with one hand, he grasped my wrist with the other. THK tiA/l If thats the case, try looking (Innur.li here,' he uul 'V/ ..night like this.Take a look! sahne (stage): When the actors are on the stage, the audiencr bury themselves in their seats and watch what it's like to be watc hed I looked, and more than once. I looked at everything Id seen around me from behind a camera. Suddenly, I took a picture of him, and then another, and another. I took pictures of him without stop until the ferry was approaching the pier. He was looking straight at me in order not to miss anything; at me, the one who was looking at him. I enjoyed taking his picture so much that I didnt want to let go of the camera. His bag was full of film; when it finished he put in more and he didnt object at all to my efforts to catch every moment on film. At one point, while he was changing the film, I moved closer to him. I caught his smell. The strange thing was that it reminded me of something sweet to eat. His breath, his hair, his clothes/ from head to toe he smelled like chocolate. Sometimes it happens to me too. I want to take pictures of everything. Sometimes it does one good to put an intermediary between the one whos seeing and the one whos being seen, he said. Do you know what the interesting thing about it is, we believe that God does the same thing. He always sees, and were always being seen, isnt that so? And God puts an intermediary between himself and what he sees. Prophets, for instance, or angels/ Azarael, for instance, or Gabriel/ As for us, were afraid both of being seen and of what we cant see. We wait for a sign so we can say it has appeared. Thats also why we give so much importance to miracles. We want to see miracles. Indeed, as I think to myself sometimes, its as if our entire existence, as well as our

nasl grdn anlayabilmek iin can atyordum. Bu gzlerde ne merhamet vard, ne yadrgama. Dnya yaanlas, ben de sevilesiy-dim Be-Ce'nin gzlerinden baktka. iko: O kadar imanm ki, ne zaman insan iine ksa herkes iini gcn brakp onu seyredermi. O da gzlerden o kadar rahatsz olurmu ki, gidip daha ok yemek yer, daha ok imanlarm. (iko'nun ocukluunu artr.) Oysa imdi, Nazar Szl'n okuduktan sonra, her ey baka trl grnyordu gzme. imdi anlyordum ki, ben bu sevimsiz szln, nce esin kayna, derken malzemesi, sonra da maddelerinden biri olmutum. O rzgrl gnde vapurda karlatmzda, Be-Ce elinde fotoraf makinesiyle ilgin bir grnt aramaya km ve bana rastlamt. O gnlerde muhtemelen, yapt en son iten de skld iin uraacak yeni bir megale aryor ama tam olarak ne yapmak istediini bilemiyordu. Aramaya kmt. Sonra/ bana rastlamt. Yeni megalesi iin arad ilham bende bulmutu; daha dorusu, benimle yaayaca gze yasak, gzden rak ilikide. Bir kez Nazar Szl'n yazmaya baladktan sonra da, ilham olmaktan kp, malzemeye dnmtm; ryalarm, anlarm ve kayglarmla. Benimle ilgili gzlemlerini tamamlayp arad paralar bulduunda, belki de Nazar Szl'nn en ilgin maddelerinden biri olacaktm. ocukluunu aratraca iko bendim. Be-Ce, yalnzca mucizelerde tatl sularla tuzlu sularn birbirine karmadn syler ve mucizeleri sevmezdi. Onun istedii, benim ve bakalarnn hikyelerinden krpk krpk paralar alp, bunlar birbirine kartrmakt. Bunu yaptnda, bunca farkl paray bir arada tutan tek bir iplik olacakt: kendisi! Ama onu esas eken ey, insanlarn grnmeyen yanlaryd. Be-Ce bilhassa grnmeyenlerle ilgileniyor, grnmezi grnr klmak istiyordu. Tpk hikyedeki ehzadenin kars gibi krknc kapnn arkasn merak ediyordu. nemli olan grnmeyenin kilidini kurcalamakt. Bir kez kapy ap iindekileri grdkten sonra, oralarda daha fazla oyalanmas iin sebep kalmyordu. u hayatta yasak

non-existence, is founded on seeing and being seen. He fell silent. A faint smile remained on his lips. Then he brought his face close to mine and whispered as if he were telling ELIF SHAFAK me a secret. Do you know, sometimes we get our deepest wounds through our eyes. I looked at him in surprise. saklambag (hide-and-seek): By the time 'it' counts to three, one must be hidden somewhere he can't see. That day we wandered around together the whole day. That day while we wandered around together all day, when we were seen together for the first and last time, I didnt want to miss even a single memory of him. In order to remember the bow-legged manner in which he walked as he tried to match his pace to mine, his squat legs, his ill-proportioned hands, the way he found something to say about every subject, the thoughtfulness with which he spoke and explained, the way he squinted his eyes before he started a sentence, the way he used gestures to emphasise what he had said when he had finished a sentence, his indifference to children taller than himself who pointed him out to their mothers or indeed anyone who threw his being a dwarf in his face, the way he didnt judge peoples coarseness, his loneliness, his insensitivity, the way he held his head high, his strangeness, the way he was on display in exactly the same way I was, and because I was on display like he was, I took pictures of him all day that day. samur (sable): zo. (martes zibellina) Slightly bigger than a house cat (approximately 50cm in height). Lives alone. It eats everything from squirrels to pine cones to insects. Because its fur, with its grey brown and black tones, is dense and silky, it is highly esteemed.They call it the 'Golden Pelt'. Before the second half of the 17th century, the sable was the magnet that drew the Russians into Siberia. As a sable hunter of the same century said,'The sable prepares itself for death by lying on its side, raising its back legs,

ya da sakl, bastrlm ya da yok saylm/ ksacas gzden rak tutulmu ne varsa, Be-Ce'nin ilgi alanna giriyordu. Bu yzden, bir insana bakt zaman onun gzden saklanm paralarn bulmaya alyor; hatralar, srlan, mahremi kefetmekten byk bir keyif alyordu. Kefini ta197 marnladktan sonra hevesini alm oluyor ve kefedecek baka bir sr aramaya balyordu. u aamada hl hakkmda bilmedii eyler olduu iin, Nazar Szl'nn tamamlanmam maddelerinden biri olarak duruyordum. Demek ki kefini tamamlayana kadar benimle birlikte olmaya devam edecekti. Sonra/ her zaman yapt gibi, bir kez alp kulland malzemeye bir daha dnp bakmayacak, benden de arabuk bka-cakt. Yeni bir madde, yeni bir megale ya da kimbilir, yeni bir hayat aramak iin tekrar yola koyulacakt. taht- revan: Sultann biricik kz her Cuma sabah taht- revanna kurulup sarayndan kar, ehrin br ucundaki billur hamama gidermi. O sarayn kapsnda belirmeden evvel, keskin kll muhafzlar yolunun zerindeki btn sokaklar boaltrm. nsanlar evlerine kar, kaplan kilitler, pencereleri rter ve gzlerini smsk yumarak; sandk odalarnda, kilerlerde, kuytu kelerde beklermi sultann kzn tayan taht- revann geip gitmesini. Kimse dar bakmaya cesaret edemez-mi nk sultann kzn grmek gafletinde bulunann orackta kellesi gidermi. Bir Cuma sabah, ehrin en yavuz hrsz, elinde, bir gn evvel Hintli bir tacirden ard merak-cevheriyle damlarda gezinirken, sultann kzn tayan taht- revan sokan banda belirmi. Hrsz merakn zaptedemeyip, usulca aralam gzkapaklann. Cellat kellesini uurmadan evvel, meydanda toplanan halka dnp barm: "Yok yere korkuyorsunuz sultann kznn gzelliini grmekten. Taht- revan bo! Bo olmasayd, onu bizden saklamaya alrlar myd hi?" O esnada herkes olanca dikkatiyle cezann infazn seyrettii iin, kimse iitmemi hrszn son szlerini. Onun gznde, ta bandan beri Nazar Szl'nn bir

and covering its eyes with its front paws.' till ( A / I I took perhaps more than a hundred p)ioio^i4|t||t Mom iImii * hundred times I looked through the vicwfmd< r, md I* irl in %** him in different states, to see what his days and Im night! wm* III#, and how he was when he couldnt sleep or when he'd |im wokril 1 watched how as he enthusiastically explained something u urn alive in his eyes, and as it came alive in his eyes, he explami il II with enthusiasm, sometimes like this and sometimes like that, In unquenchable curiosity, his lack of restraint, his absent-mindedness, his ill-temper. Finally, when the film in his bag was finished, he grasped my wrist. Arent you hungry? Im very hungry. Then I came to my senses. Who knew how many hours wed been wandering around and I not only hadnt I eaten anything but the thought of food hadnt even crossed my mind. I smiled shyly. When we entered the restaurant, B-C preceded me and held the door open. As if we didnt look strange enough together, I didnt see the sense in doing amusing things that would attract attention. I passed through the door feeling shy and embarrassed. The moment we were inside, I saw the first bus-boy to notice us nudge the bus-boy next to him. It had begun. Just as Id guessed it would. One by one every head in the place turned towards us, and conversations stopped, and people started whispering. All I wanted was to sit down at the nearest table, as soon as possible. But B-C didnt like any of the tables, and continued strolling about, knowing that everyone was watching us. By the time he chose a table, Id long since turned bright red and broken into a sweat. While B-C drank one beer after another with amazing speed, I ate my fried mussels as slowly and as daintily as possible. I felt too shy to raise my head and look around. I couldnt make the effort to look into the waiters face, or to make eye contact with anyone. Why do you have such a strange name? I said finally when Id

maddesi olmay iime sindiremiyordum. Bunca zaman boyunca, darnn gzlerine direnen, her eye ramen kendi mahremiyetinde alp serpilen bir ak yaadmz sanyordum. tiraf etmeliyim ki, emsaline kolay kolay rastlanmayacak byklkte bir tutkuya atfediyordum bu ilikiyi. Belki de mrm boyunca yaayamadm ne sevda varsa, hepsini bir dikite, Be-Ce ile yaamaya kalkmtm. Oysa her ey ok basitti. Tpk onun gibi benim de bir alp veremediim vard gzlerle; grmek ve grlmekle. Tpk onun kadar seyirliktim ben de. Ve neye benzediini oktandr ayn ayr bildiimiz bu mzmin illet, katmer katmer amt bir araya gelmemizle. Be-Ce'yi eken de buydu. Ve hepsi buydu. te byle byle, paralar yerli yerine oturttuumda, artk be198 nimle niin birlikte olduunu biliyordum. Yani eer ortada bir ak varsa, artk bunun sebebini biliyordum. Oysa ak dedikleri, solup kurumaya mahkmdur, bir sebebi olduu andan itibaren. ^ tebdil gezmek: Padiahlar ehr-i ehirin ylankavi sokaklarnda tebdil gezerdi. Kimi zaman ihsanda bulunur, ou zaman ceza keserlerdi. hsan da ceza da annda yerini bulsun diye, padiahlarn pei sra yrrd tebdil hasekisi. Sk sk tebdil gezen nc Mustafa, dervi klna girmeyi pek severdi. Kar kar ehri gezerdi; d dervi, ii padiah. Bir gn, orum alaybeyi iken azledilip stanbul'a gelen Feyzullah, tebdil gezen padiah tand. Ne kadar mkl durumda olduunu anlatp yardm istedi. Karlk grmedi. Bir baka sefer, Feyzullah, skdar arsnn orta yerinde gene padiaha rastlad ve gene onu tand. Ve bu sefer kendini tutamayp bard: "Ya ekmeimi ver, ya beni katlet!" nc Mustafa dikkatlice bakt Feyzullah'a. Derviin iindeki padiah gren gz sakncal olabilirdi; hem de pek sakncal. Orackta tercihini yapt. Ona ekmeini vermedi. Bu yzden ite, acyla bakyordum Be-Ce'nin gzlerine. Eve gelip Nazar Szl'n okuduumu rendiinde, nce zntmn ayrdna varmam, ama dakikalar getike bendeki

calmed down a bit and was able to speak. Its not my real name, of course. When I was small, the children ELIF SHAFAK used to call me itty bitty. Later I used to say my name was beetee.You know, I really thought this was a real name. Then I decided to make this name that had stuck to me a little different. Instead of bee-tee I said B-C. I know its strange, but/ Im so accustomed to it, I wouldnt even turn around if someone called me by my real name. I like B-C. Theyre also the second and third letters of the alphabet. They look good side-by-side.As if Im Two and Three. Im searching for One. The preceding number was lacking something, it wasnt completed, and its as if thats why I am the way I am/ Im in the process of creating myself. What happened? Why are you so surprised? Does this seem like nonsense to you? For a moment I couldnt speak or breathe. It was as if something clicked within me, but I couldnt tell if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Suddenly, unable to explain even to myself why Id become so irritable, I snapped, Yes, I think its complete nonsense. You could be right! But dont take numbers lightly. Dont forget that numbers have jinns. Numbers jinns have torches on their waists, and brooms in their hands, and each one is as small as a flea, their tongues are twisted, and their eyes spin/ While he was saying these strange things, he was playing his fingers like puppets and twisting the shape of his face. I watched him in amazement. Despite the fact that it was always moving, there was a stillness and calm about his face. He suddenly stopped talking and looked around as if he were bored. Lets go, he said. Lets go and print these photographs. Where? Home! The Hayalifener Apartments. sanksandali (turban boat):Whenever Sultan Selim III went out to wander along the shores of the Bosphorus, the populace would stop working and go out into the streets. At the very back, the boat that was following the six boats that

deiikliin sebebini kavramaya balamt. Ve imdi, yz gene o hissiz ve ifadesiz haline brnd iin, ne dndn kestiremez olmutum. Gzleri gene buzlu bir camn ya da mumdan bir perdenin arkasna kamt; ne hissettiini ele vermiyordu. Kimbilir ka zamandr hi konumadan, hi kprdamadan, karlkl ylece oturuyorduk. Ama onun suskunluu o kadar allmadk bir eydi ki, kulaklarm trmalyordu. Derken, yava yava doruldu. Yanma gelip, bileimi tuttu. "stersen bu gece tebdil gezelim!" dedi. "Olur gezelim," dedim sesimin titremesine mni olmadan. "Sen cce klna gir bu sefer; ben de ok, ok iman bir kadn olaym." televizyon: Evimizde srekli seyrettiimiz televizyonun bir an iin de olsa bizi evimizde seyredebilecei dncesi tedirgin edicidir. Tartacak bir ey yoktu. Tartmadk biz de. Buraya gelirken getirdiim bavulu aramaya baladm. Nereye kaldrdmz hatrlamyordum. Ama Be-Ce'nin sesi beni durdurdu. "Sen kal," dedi. "Biliyorsun, ben zaten gidecektim." Konuacak bir ey yoktu. Konumadk biz de. Bam evirmedim. Ondan yana bakmadm. Gidiini grmeyi kaldrmad yreim. 199 temaa: Bakma holanarak seyretme (sahne-i temaa: tiyatro sahnesi) Ak bir korsedir. Niye bu kadar kymetli olduunu anlayabilmek iin haddinden fazla iman olmak gerekir. Senebesene katman katman oalm, vck vck yaylm, pelte pelte ylm yalar sarp sarmalar, hizaya sokar. Ve sonra da geip karsna kendi eserinin, | seyrine bakar kudretinin. Ak bir hayal taciridir. Kyda kede kart-lam hayalleri ekip kartr, ykayp paklar, allayp pullar ve terta-ze sfatyla sahibine kakalar. Ak insan gzelletirir. Grntlerle oynar pervaszca; yani sfatlarla, yani aynalarla. Ksknleri aynalarla bartrr, yalnzlar aynalarda oaltr. Ak bir korsedir. Gn gelir, hi beklenmedik bir yerde, hi beklenmedik bir anda, atverir t tlarndan biri yahut zlverir iplikleri. Neler olup bittiini anlamaya vakit kalmadan,

carried the honour guard, was the 'turban boat'. The official in charge of this boat would carry aloft the Sultan's turban, which was studded with priceless jewels. When the boat was passing close to the shore, this official would wave the turban back and forth. THE GAZE It wasn't done in order for the people to see the Sultan's turban, but to remind them that they were being watched.The sultanate was an eye that saw everything. At first I liked the name of the Hayalifener Apartments, and when I saw the building I liked it for itself. The building was on one of the two sides of Istanbul, in a neighbourhood where morally upright families and freethinking single people frequently lived side-byside, at the top of a steep hill that was difficult to ascend and descend. His flat was on the top floor, and there wasnt a useable elevator. B-C, in front, skipped up the steps; I followed, wheezing. To climb these stairs after that long, steep hill, the pain from the chafing of my legs was growing stronger with each step. I was in agony, and my chest was tight. At least B-C didnt say anything about my condition, or ask depressing questions. Instead of asking questions he didnt stop explaining; he talked away without waiting for approval. Perhaps I was more attracted to the way he spoke than to what he was saying. As he talked, I couldnt take my eyes off him. Whenever Im curious about a person, I cut them out of the frame in which they belong and put them into a background thats least like them. To do this gives me a lot of ideas about people. Lets say a woman is walking towards me. Young, and a bit flighty. Ill take her out of the place where she belongs and put her in a time and place that would be strangest to her, into a frame thats as far as possible from her own, and then I watch. Or lets say a man is walking towards me.Young, and a bit slack. Ill try to find a frame thats least like him. When I put him in this frame hell look completely different to me. In the picture that belongs to him, hes

korsenin cenderesinden kurtulan yalar srsepet dar kmtr oktan. O kemekete, gz ap kapayncaya kadar eski haline dnverir gvde. Ak bir korsedir. Niin bu kadar ksa srdn anlayabilmek iin haddinden fazla iman olmak gerekir. nk oyunbozanlk eden bir eyler kar daima. Sarkm bir iplik mesela; sarkm ve apartman kaplarna taklm ya da ait olduu kostmn tamamen sklmesine sebep olmu. Balonda hava karan delik, srgitte anlk duraklk, dnemete dnememek gibi/ yahut, onmadk yara, olmadk hayal, gzbebeinde leke, tabakta krnt gibi/ veya, kotarlmam bir megale, tamamlanmam bir madde, bitmemi bir hikye gibi/ baz eyler hep mztr ve eksik kalr. Ne kadar kusarsak kusalm, yediimiz pastadan geriye en az bir lokma kalr midemizin kuytusunda; ne kadar iersek ielim, ka kazan st iersek ielim, paamza yapp havalanmamza msaade etmeyen bir arlk gibi. Ve ne denli titiz olursak olalm, her gz temizliinde halnn altna saklanm bir sprnt kalr daima; unutmadmz, unutturulmadmz bir hatra. Hep bir eyler kalr. Bir eyler hep eksik kalr. theatrum mundi: nana gre dnya, tek seyircisi olan kocaman bir tiyatroydu. Peine debilirdim BeCe'nin. Yegneydi nk, deerdi ondan kopamamaya, yokluuyla inatlamaya. Cce kalbinin dev ritmini kovalayabilirdim ehrin sokaklarnda. Benden ok daha evik oldu200 unu bile bile, kimbilirne vakte kadar ylmadan iz srebilirdim avcs tek, av tek bu srek avnda; ya da/ / peini brakabilirdim Be-Ce'nin. Nazar Szl'nn tamamlanmam maddelerinden biri olduumu iime sindirip, bir daha onu hi grmemeyi ve onun tarafndan grlmemeyi kabulm addedip, uzaklaabilirdim buradan; cehenneme inen dik yokuun tepesindeki cennetmekn Hayalifener Apartmanndan. Ama imdi ben/ ultrason: Ultrasona yakalanan bebein bundan sonra her hareketi dikkatle izlenecektir. / baka bir ey yapacaktm. nk ackmtm!

either strong or weak, either handsome or ugly, either unique or ordinary. But in a picture that doesnt belong to him, he tends to lose his role. And then when you look, you see that hes really not so strong, or not so weak. Neither that ugly nor that handsome.You should try it. Put people in the photograph in which theyre least likely to fit, and then take a look at them. ELIF SHAFAK I looked at him lovingly. What about me, then? Whats the picture into which Im least likely to fit? He looked at me lovingly. Most probably above the clouds. For someone as fat as you the sky has to be the most unlikely place. I nodded my head. I had fallen in love. $ems: When Mevlana came out of Pembefirusan's han, Jems planted himself in front of him and said,'Hey, appraiser of the world, look at me!' From that moment on I didnt part from him. B-C was a land I somehow couldnt reach because I had delayed so much. It was as if, after years of being stuck, of believing that in this state I couldnt love anyone and no one could love me, a door had opened in front of me at a completely unexpected moment and from a completely unexpected direction. Once over the threshold, we tumbled together into a world of passion. I could have cut my dwarf lover a giants shadow without hesitation; with him I could go anywhere and return from anywhere without thinking of what lay beyond. Nevertheless, I had to think, we had to think. Because we didnt suit each other. That is, I wasnt one of those women who, because they are so short, still look like litde round balls despite all their weight/ It wasnt just my girth, but because I was also taller than normal, when I stood next to B-C both my height and my weight made for a terrifying contrast. When we were side-by-side we looked so out of place that we couldnt even bring up the subject of not going out together. If we went around holding hands and smiling at each other in the streets like other

Hem de yle ackmtm ki, sanki hep a braklmtm. Sanki mr boyunca tiknp duran ben deildim. ri bir yalan, koca bir inkrdm. Baarszdm. Ne kadar urarsam uraaym, bir trl zayflayamyor, gvdemin kskacndan kurtulamyordum. Takntlydm. imanlm bir an olsun aklmdan kartamyordum. Yalnzdm. Kendi iime kapanm, iime bakmaktan korkar olmutum. Tedirgindim. Her daim bir eylerden, ama belki de en ok kendimden tedirgindim. fkeliydim. nsanlarn beni seyrederek gndelik hayatlarna renk, muhabbetlerine mevzu kattklarn grnce sinirlerime hkim olamyordum. Huzursuzdum. Yatan oyan delimen bir nehir gibi ruhumu zedeliyordum. Mutsuzdum. Tpk midem gibi, mutsuzluum da beslendike geniliyordu. Btn bunlarn dnda olmak da mmknd elbette; ama ben orada deildim. Ben imdi aln gbe-indeydim. Hi bu kadar ackmamtm! Kocaman atm azm. Azm yle kocaman atm ki, btn sularn iip bitirmemden korktu sukre; slak sunaklarnda sedef pullu balklarn kurban etti alm yatsn diye. Btn balklarn yedim. ok gemeden, klk dann zirvesinden fkeyle haykrdm: "Bu kadar m cmertliin?" Endieyle kabard sular. Aldrmadm. "Hani inciye gebe istiridyelerin, uyuuk ahtapotlarn, gudubet canavarlarn, eker mi eker deniz yldzlarn, zalim girdaplarn, ilerinde hazineler saklayan gemi enkazlarn/ hani nerdeler?" Sukre telala bir balina yahnisi koydu nme. Azm kocaman atm. yle kocaman atm ki azm, diimin kovuuna gitmekten rkt yerkre; meyveye durdu tm aalar topran altndan sonsrat gelen emirle. Btn meyvelerini bitirdim. Az 201 sonra, aa kklerini kemire kemire atm uurumun dibinden fkeyle haykrdm: "Bu kadar m cmertliin?" Endieyle kapand kstebek yuvalan. Aldrmadm. "Hani zehirli olduklarn kendilerinin bile bilmedii mantarlarn, leziz ve semiz kayalarn, srma sal msrlarn, bereketli tarlalarn, kayp define sandklarn, lgn heyelanlarn/ hani nerdeler?" Yerkre telala bir bostan koydu

lovers, everyone who saw us would die laughing. As my eighty centimetre lover tried to match his pace to my hundred and thirty-two kilo body, people would point us out to each other and watch us. Without feeling it necessary to suppress the mocking smiles on their lips, they would wonder whether or not we made love. They would find us so amusing they wouldnt be able THE GAZE to take their eyes off us. They wouldnt be able to stop talking about the contrast between the fat lady and the dwarf for days. B-C and I had both been the objects of peoples stares for a long time. But now that we had come together, if we even held hands we wouldnt just be objects of curiosity, we would also be the source of a great deal of amusement. We were strange enough separately, but together we were not only strange but comic. We werent pleasing to the eye. For this reason, there was nothing like the Hayalifener Apartments. Here life was private; safe from abusive stares. Of course the neighbour-ladies eyes were always on us, but once we were inside there was nothing to worry about. I was comfortable here, I was at ease. I wasnt thinking about returning to the house where I lived with my family. I do know how much my family loved me, and I didnt want to mix their love with pity. I was tired of them being distressed about me. For years my mother and father had been struggling to behave as if we were a happy family and that nothing had gone wrong, but I was tired of seeing the pain in their eyes that they would never speak of. Leaving their house was going to be good for me. So I gathered my things together and moved to the Hayalifener Apartments. I felt that here I could be free both of the body that enclosed me and of the kinds of looks that made me uncomfortable. Indeed it happened from time to time that I didnt even think about how I looked. I who for years had looked at myself and the world .iround me through the lenses of my body was now momentarily able to take these glasses off. On top

nme. Doymamtm. Kapanmyordu azm. Dudaklarmn bir kenarnda damla damla sular akarken, bir kenarnda topak topak toprak birikiyordu. Ne su, ne de toprak dindirebilmiti alm. Baktm ki olmayacak, ben de hava ile temas etmeye karar verdim. Havagazn atm. Bunu niye yaptm bilmiyordum ama ne yaptmn farknday-dm. Neler olabileceinin de. imdiye dein ne zaman yeme krizine tutulsam, dnmeden ne bulduysam yemi, yediklerimde tad aramamtm. Zaten obur ne yediini grseydi, hi ona "kr boaz" denir miydi? Gene her zaman yaptklarm yapyordum. Bu arada sukre ve yerkre derin bir nefes alm olmalydlar onlar rahat brakp, hava-kreye dadandm grnce. Havagaz dolmaya balamt iime. itiimi hissediyordum. Beynim uyuuyordu. Uyutuka beynim, siliniyordu bildiklerim, azalyordu rakamlar. Azaldka rakamlar, batman batman yk kalkyordu zerimden; ha-fif-li-yor-dum. Gerisin geri dnyordu zaman. Hem zaten mecbur deildi ki, srekli bugnden yarna ve durmakszn ileriye dmdz akmaya. Zaman geriye doru yalpaladka, her eyin baka trl olabileceini fark ediyordu insan. /^ Her ey baka trl olabilirdi. Demek ki her hikye baka trl Snakledilebilirdi. Tabii eer her eyin grlmesinin gerekmedii, batan teslim edilseydi/ 202 "K!" 1868 - Fransa Madame de Marelle bir akam yemeinde durup dururken, malikneyi yeniden demeye karar verdiini sylemiti eine. O andan itibaren de kollan svamt. Her gn sabahtan akama kadar peinde hizmetilerle oda oda dolayor, baz eyalann yerlerini deitirirken, bazlann da ortalktan kaldrtp yeni mobilyalara yer ayordu. Bir gn sra, tavanarasnn hi kullanlmayan odalarndan birine geldi. -te orada, bir sandn dibinde, byke bir kutu buldu. zerinde gz eklinde bir kabartma parlyordu. Kutu kilitliydi ve grne baklrsa anahtan kaypt. "Ne var bunun iinde?" diye sordu kilidi kurcalarken. "Bir resim efendim," dedi

of that, as I gained the .ibility to see through my body and into myself, I discovered new .ispects of myself. When B-C looked at me with love, I was able to see myself and the world around me with completely new eyes. Most of the time, I did my utmost to see through his eyes, and to understand what he saw and how he saw it. I saw neither intimacy nor rejection in his eyes. Life was liveable, I was loveable when I looked into BCs eyes. ELIF SHAFAK sisko (fatty): She was so fat that wherever she went, people would stop whatever they were doing and stare at her.The way people looked at her made her so uncomfortable that she would eat even more and become even fatter. (Research fatty's childhood.) But now, having read the Dictionary of Gazes, everything looked different again to my eyes. Now I understood that at first I had been the source of this detestable dictionary, its substance, and that later I had become one item among many. That windy day wed met on the ferry, B-C had gone out with his camera to find something interesting to look at, and had encountered me. In those days hed probably become bored with whatever hed been doing and was looking for something new to occupy himself with but didnt quite know what he wanted to do. He went out looking. Then he met me. He found in me the inspiration for a new project; or more accurately, he found it in the way our relationship was kept hidden from the sight of others. Once hed started working on the Dictionary of Gazes, I stopped being the inspiration and became material; my dreams, my memories and my anxieties. When hed finished observing me and found what he was looking for, I might have been the most interesting item in the Dictionary of Gazes. I was the fatty whose childhood he was going to research. B-C says that its only in miracles that sweet water and salt water dont mix, and he doesnt like miracles. What he wanted was to take bits and pieces of my stories and other peoples stories and mix them all together. When hed done

hizmetilerden en yal olan. "Sadece bir resim." "Peki anahtar nerede?" Ayn anda, kutuyu amak iin bir fikir gelmiti aklna. Her zaman salann smsk topuz yapmak iin kulland ince, uzun sa tokasn bandan kard. Salar omuzlarna dkld. Tokann sivri ucuyla kilidi kurcalamaya balad. Ama yal hizmeti bundan son derece tedirgin olmua benziyordu. Fsltyla, "onu kutusundan karmayn efendim," dedi. "Kyllerin sylediine gre, resimdeki delikanl o kadar gzelmi ki, onu gren ac ekermi. Bilhassa/ bilhassa bakirelerin akln elermi." Madame de Marelle tereddt etti. Biraz daha urasa kilidi aabileceini hissediyordu. Bahsi geen delikanly da, dillere destan gzelliini de merak etmiti. Grmek istiyordu. Elinde sa tokasyla bir an ylece kalakald. Yal hizmeti ne yapacan anlamak iin kaygl gzlerle ona bakarken, o da adeta bylenmiesine kutuya bakyordu. Sonra birden, kimbilir aklndan ne geirip, kutuyu elinden brakt. Amaktan vazgemiti. Zaten yapacak o kadar ok ii vard ki, son de203 rece sevimsiz bulduu bu odada daha fazla oyalanmak istemedi. "yleyse gzmn nnden kaldrn onu," dedi dalan salarn toplayp, gene her zamanki gibi smsk topuz yaparken. Topuzunu tamamladnda sa tokasn takt, yzne sert bir ifade taknd ve odadan kt. "Haklsnz efendim. Her zaman her eyin grlmesi gerekmiyor. Baz eyler gzden rak olmal ve de yle kalmal!" diye arkasndan mrldand yal hizmeti. Rahatlam grnyordu. Madame de Marelle zamanla tamamen unuttu bu hadiseyi. Akl elen, ac ektiren peripeyker delikanlnn suretini hi merak etmedi ve hi grmedi. Salar pas rengi ocuklar dourdu. Salar pas rengi ocuklarn bytt. Maliknenin odalarnda yeni isimler nladka dallan arlktan bklen asil soyaalannda, la Belle Anabelle diye birine rastlanmad. Eer Madame de Marelle grmemesi gerekeni grmekte srar etseydi, gemite ilenmi bu kabahat yznden, korkun gzelliiyle seyirlik insanlar arasna

this, thered be only a single thread holding it all together: himself! But what attracted him most were the unseen sides of people. B-C is always interested in the unseen, and wanted to make the invisible visible. Just like the princes wife in the story, who wanted to know what was behind the fortieth door. The most important thing was to pry open the lock. Once hed opened the door and seen what was inside, there remained no reason to delay there. TH1 I.A/I Anything forbidden or hidden in the world/ any thing suppress* d or very respected/ in short anything that was kept out of sight v. ih within B-Cs area of interest. For this reason, whenever he looked at a person he was trying to find their hidden parts; he took gi< it pleasure in discovering their memories, their secrets, the thinr/- ih.n were most private to them. Once hed completed his dis< overn t hed got what he wanted, and hed start looking elsewhere ft >i / .. discoveries. As long as there were things about me he didnt know, I / / / .I unprocessed material for the Dictionary of Gazes. I / / / . he would stay with me until hed discovered what was left to I., discovered. Later/ just as he never took another look at matciul hed already used, he would soon tire of me. Hed set offin se.iri li i new material, something new to occupy himself, and who knows, perhaps even a new life. taht-i revan (palanquin): Every Friday morning, the Sultan's only daughter would arrange a palanquin and leave the palace and go to a bathhouse on the other side of the city. Before she appeared at the palace gates, guards with sharp swords would have cleared all of the streets along the route. People would flee to their houses, lock their doors, cover their windows and shut their eyes tight; they would wait in box-rooms, pantries and secluded corners until the Sultan's daughter had passed in her palanquin. No one had the courage to look outside because anyone who saw the Sultan's daughter even

katlacakt Anabelle. Ama kutu hi almadna gre, byle bir ey olmad. Hi domad la belle Anabelle. Hi olmad byle biri. Yoktu zaten. Ne denli gzel olursa olsun, srf seyirlik diye seyrine baklacak suret yoktu. Gzeller gzeli, porsukaac ormanlarnn yegne perisi, menevili hayat iksiri de olsa, hakk vard gzlerden rak kalmaya. O olmaynca, vine rengi adrn seyircilerinin gzlerini daha, daha da amalar gerekmedi. Hi olmad ki. Bir rakam eksildi. 204 "BR!" 1648 - SBRYA Timofei Ankidinov, o kocaman samurun bir sepetin iine girip kaybolduunu grnce gzlerine inanamamt. Donma tehlikesi atlatan denizciyi kzakta brakp, merakla sepetin etrafnda dolanmaya balad. "Belki de bakmasan daha iyi olur. Avclar iin bir tuzak olabilir. Ya da bir Sibirya laneti!" dedi denizci yatt yerden. Batl inanlar pek bir adamd. Sibirya'da akl sr erdiremedii o kadar ok eye tank olmutu ki, artk bu topraklarn yerlilerinden ekiniyordu. Timofei Ankidinov tereddt etti. Sepetin kapan kaldrdnda o kocaman samurun kymetli krk onun olacakt. Kimbilir belki en az onun kadar byk daha pek ok samur vard sepetin altnda. Hatta Pogia'ya alan yolu bulmu bile olabilirdi. Eer yleyse, yannda herkesi satn alabilecek bir servetle dnebilirdi memleketine. Elinde haneri ylece duruyordu. Denizci ne yapacan anlamak iin kaygl gzlerle ona bakarken, o da bylenmiesine sepete bakyordu. Ama birden, aklndan ne getiyse, bir adm geri ekildi. Vazgemiti. Sepeti amayacak, iine bakmayacakt. Zaten yeterince rktc bulduu bu yerde daha fazla oyalanmak istemedi. "yleyse bir an nce gidelim buradan," dedi. Hanerini knna soktu, kzan bana geti. Tekrar yola koyulduklarnda, denizci ksk ama kendinden emin bir sesle "Haklsn gidelim. Her eyin grlmesi gerekmiyor. Baz eyler gzden rak olmal ve de yle kalmal!" diye mrldanyordu. iki adam oradan uzaklarken, sepetin iinde iki ruh i ie

accidentally would have their heads cut off at once. One Friday morning, the city's most capable thief, who was wandering across the rooftops with a curiosity-stone he had taken from an Indian merchant the day before, appeared at the end of the street along which the Sultan's daughter was passing in her palanquin. His curiosity got the better of him, and he opened his eyelids slightly. Before the executioner cut off his head, the thief turned to the people who had gathered in the square and shouted;'Your fear of seeing the Sultan's daughter's beauty is misplaced. The palanquin is empty! If it ELIF SHAFAK hadn't been empty, why would he have tried to hide it from us?' Because at that moment everyone was so absorbed in watching the execution, no one heard the thief's last words. I couldnt digest the fact that in his eyes, Id been material for the Dictionary of Gazes from the start. All this time I thought wed been living a love that was resistant to the gazes of outside, and that, in spite of everything, flowered in privacy. I have to confess, I thought our relationship was based on a mutual desire the like of which would be difficult to find. Perhaps with B-C I drank all of the passion I hadnt lived in my life in a single gulp. In that case everything was very simple. Just like him, I have an issue with eyes; with seeing and being seen. I was just as much on display as he was. And all that we had longsuspected separately, about what this chronic disease resembled, revealed itself layer-by-layer when we came together. This is what had attracted B-C. That was all. So after putting all the pieces together, I knew why he was with me. That is, if there was any love involved in this, I knew the reason for it. And what we call love is condemned to dry out the moment theres a reason for it. tedbil gezmek (to go out in disguise): The Sultan used to wander in disguise through the winding streets of the city of cities. Sometimes he would give out rewards, but most of the time he

gemekteydi. Nice sonra, sepet kendiliinden ald. Henz kllanmaya-balamam olan, samurun ruhundan bir para alm, kendi ruhundan bir paray da ona katm bir halde dar kt. O artk, kabilenin yeni samanyd. lene dein ne vakit o gn hatrlasa, sepetin iin205 deyken, bilemedii bir sebepten tr, grlmekten ne denli korktuunu hatrlayacak; gzlerin tlsmn asla hafife almayacakt. O ve onun kanndan gelenler, Sibirya'y kemiren zillet soylarn kurutuncaya kadar asrlar boyu bir arada yaad. Samanlarn kkleri gkte, dallar yerde kav soyaacnda, Samur-Kz'n ismine hi rastlanmad. Eer Timofei Ankidinov grmemesi gerekeni grmekte srar etseydi, gemite ilenmi bu kabahat yznden, korkun irkinliiyle seyirlik insanlar arasna katlacakt Samur-Kz. Ama kutu hi almadna gre, byle bir ey olmad. Hi domad SamurKz. Hi olmad byle biri. Yoktu zaten. Ne denli irkin olursa olsun, srf seyirlik diye seyrine baklacak suret yoktu. irkinler irkini, hilkat garibesi, cibilliyet vebali de olsa, hakk vard gzlerden rak kalmaya. O olmaynca, vine rengi adrn seyircilerinin gzlerini daha, daha da yummalar gerekmedi. Hi olmad Bir. Bir rakam eksildi. Keramet Mum Keke Memi Efendi, vine rengi adrn batya bakan kapsndan koarak kt. Nefes nefeseydi. Her yere bakmt. Samur-Kz ortada yoktu. Nereye gitmi olabileceini dnmek iin bir an durdu, ama ayn anda beter bir phe dt iine. Kotura kotura adrn douya bakan ksmna gitti. Her yere bakt, her kuytuyu arad. Korktuu bana gelmiti. La Belle Anabelle de kaypt. O gn akama kadar, en gzde iki oyuncusunun srra kadem bastn kimseye sylemedi. Sylemedi ama nasl olsa birazdan hakikat ortaya kacakt. Ve hakikat ortaya ktnda, bu ii brakmak zorunda kalacakt. Zira gzeller gzeli ile irkinler irkini olmadan, vine rengi adr bir gn bile ayakta tutmak mmkn olmayacakt. zld m acaba? Hi anlalamad ki zlp zlmedii. Gzleri her zamanki gibi bir sr

gave out punishments. In order for these rewards and punishments to be given out immediately, the Sultan's disguised bodyguards walked in file behind him. Mustafa III, who went out in disguise regularly, used to like to dress as a dervish. He used to wander over every inch of the city; a dervish on the outside and a Sultan on the inside. One day Feyzullah, who'd come to Istanbul after losing the governorship of Corum, recognised the disguised Sultan. He told him what a difficult position he was in and asked for help. He didn't get any response. Another time Feyzullah met the Sultan in the middle of the market in Uskudar and once again recognised him.This time he couldn't hold himself back, and shouted; 'Either ylv* m* my iNMtf <m tm killed!' Mustapha III looked at Feyzullah carefully rh tyvt d ih* inside the dervish could be dangerous; indeed very dar^prom m* his decision right then and there. He didn't give him his bread This is why I was looking into BCs eyes with pain. When Ix I come home and learned that Id read the Dictionary of Gazes, he hadnt at first been able to discern what had distressed me, but .is the minutes passed he began to understand the reasons for the change in me. And now that hed once again wrapped his face in an inexpressive blankness, devoid of all emotion, I couldnt make out what he was thinking. His eyes had once again fled behind frosted glass or a curtain of wax; I couldnt guess what he was feeling. I dont know how long we sat across from each other without speaking or moving. But his silence was such an unaccustomed thing for me that it hurt my ears. Then he stood up slowly. He came to my side and held my wrist. If you want, lets go out in disguise tonight, he said. All right, lets go out, I said, unable to control the trembling of my voice. televizyon (television): It is unsettling to imagine that the television at home, which we watch

perdesiydi. Ama fazla zlmemitir herhalde. Nasl olsa donup kalacak deildi bu kalpta. Sonsuzdu zaman, snrszd mekn. Elbet eriyecekti bir gn; eriyip yeniden katlaacak, katlap yeniden eriyecekti. Nasl olsa bir baka zamanda, ok ok sonra ya da pek yaknda; ve bir baka meknda, ok ok uzakta ya da hemen burada, bir daha dnecekti bu dnyaya. Yeni bir isim, yeni bir megaleyle. Nasl olsa/ bir daha/ ve bir daha/ 206 "Sfr!" 1 999 - istanbul "Kapy a!" Deminden beri kapy yumrukluyorlar. Kalkp kapy amalym ama halsizim, hem de ok. Kprdayamyorum. yle aniden duruver-mi, donakalm gibi deil, zaten mrmde bir kez olsun hareket et-memiesine kprdamyor, kprdayamyorum. Pelte gibiyim. Kesif bir sisin iindeyim. Kh yumuyorum gzlerimi, kh ayorum. Fark etmiyor nasl olsa. Gz gz grmyor burada. "Daha ne bekliyorsunuz. Amyor ite. Krn kapy. Krn!" Bu sesi tanr gibiyim. Komu kadnlardan biri olmal. Acaba hangisi? Bu sefer ne piirdiler acaba, ne getiriyorlar bize? Gene bir brek ya da tatl, pilav ya da mant/ Barann, komu kadnlardan hangisi olduunu karamyorum. r unutmak: Gz temizlii. Korkun bir grltyle knlyor kap. Kapnn krlmasyla birlikte, sayamayacam kadar ok sayda komu kadn, birbirlerini ite kaka, canhra feryatlarla ieri doluup, zerime atlyor. Ayn anda havalanyorum. veda: "Niin dnp baktn Tanrnn gazabn eken ehre?" diye karsna fkeyle bard Lut. "Neden baktn neyi geride braktna? Sylesene, --' insan terk ettii eye neden dnp bakar son bir defa?" Ama karsnn talam dudaklar cevap veremedi bu zor sorulara. Havagaznn sayesinde yle imiim ki yusyuvarlak, tostoparlak olmuum. Bu halimle tpk kocaman bir Sfr'a benziyorum; btn rakamlardan daha iman olduu halde, btn rakamlann arasnda havadan hafif olan tek rakama. Seviniyorum. Madem ki saya saya S207 fr'a vardm, varmakla kalmayp Sfr oldum, artk

all the time, could watch us for even a moment. There was nothing to argue about. And we didnt argue. I started looking for the suitcase Id brought when I came. I couldnt remember where wed put it away. But B-Cs voice stopped me. You stay, he said. You know, I was going to leave anyway. There was nothing to talk about. And we didnt talk. I didnt turn my head. I didnt look in his direction. I didnt have the heart to watch his departure. temasa (contemplation): Watching for the enjoyment of looking. ELIF SHAFAK sahne-i temasa: stage. Love is a corset. In order to understand the value of this you have to be exceedingly fat. It can quickly wrap up and control the fat thats been gathering layer by layer over the years, spreading out in its stickiness, heaping up in a gelatinous mass. Then you can stand outside your own work and watch the power. Love is a merchant of dreams. Worn-out and cast-off dreams will pick themselves up, clean and shine themselves, deck themselves out, and in their new state laugh at their owners. Love makes a person more beautiful. It plays fearlessly with appearances, that is, with qualities, that is, with mirrors. It makes peace between the taking of offence and mirrors, it increases the lonely with mirrors. Love is a corset. The day will come when, in the least expected place, at the least expected moment, one of the clasps will burst, or its threads will unravel. Before theres even time to understand whats happened, the fat will have long since come out into the open. In the midst of this confusion, your body returns to its former state in the blink of an eye. Love is a corset. In order to understand why it lasts such a short time you have to be exceedingly fat. Because something will always happen to spoil the fun. An unravelled thread, for instance, that gets caught in the front door of the building, or that cant be completely removed from the article of clothing it belongs to. Like a hole that causes a balloon to leak,

rahatlkla gkyzne ykselebilir, bulutlarn zerine kabilirim. nce yerden sadece bir kar ykseliyor ayaklarm. Sonra biraz daha havalanp, tavana yaklayorum. Sanki suda yzer gibi ap kapyorum kollarm, bacaklarm. Byle yapa yapa, saa sola hareket ederek, komu kadnlarn ellerinden son anda syrlmay baaryo-rum. lklar bir an bile dinmiyor. Dengemi kaybetmemeye gayret ederek, teras kapsna yaklayorum. Ayaklarm Be-Ce'nin sallanan sandalyesine demediine gre, artk yerden bir hayli ykselmi olmalym. Kediyi gryorum o an. Srtndaki btn tyler kabarm; bana bakyor aadan. El sallyorum ona. Tslyor bana. Terasn kaps her zamanki gibi ardna kadar ak. Perdeler, hayaletli ev filmlerinin perdelerine mahsus bir kvraklkla uuurken, aralarndan syrlp, ak havaya kyorum. Evden dar kyorum, daha nce hi kmadm gibi. vitrin: Bir maazann sattklarn tehir etmek iin kulland cam ksm. Hayalifener Apartmannn atsyla ayn hizadaym imdi. Ayaklarm, bir ileri bir geri sallanyor bolukta. Yokuu kanlara bakyorum ve yokuu inenlere. Buzda kayanlara bakyorum ve alevlere yuvarlananlara. Ykseldike, nce yokuun, sonra semtin ve derken ehrin tamamn grebiliyorum. Ve ehir bambaka grnyor byle yukardan baknca. Halanm tavuk gibi lif lif dalyor mahalleleri, brek gibi katlarnn arasndakileri yutuyor apartmanlar, kt pimi bir pilavn taneleri gibi inatla birbirine tutunuyor insanlar. ehre bakyorum ve hi mi hi ackmadm fark ediyorum. ylesine tok ki karnm, yaadmdan phe duyuyorum. Ylankavi sokaklarda sandukalarn kaptrm evliyalara, solgun yzl kiliselerin halarna, huzurlu avlularn adrvanlarna, geceleri sundurmalarnda cinlerin syletii sala evlere, ne zaman birini yabanclasalar sustasna baslm ak gibi frlayan sokak kpeklerine, sprntlerin arasnda nevalesini arayanlara bakyorum gkyznden. Gecenin aymazlnda yreini aldrmaktan lesiye

or the sudden cessation of continuity, or not turning at the corner/ or an unhealed wound, or an unrealised dream, or a stain in ones pupil, or a crack in the plate/ or an uncompleted task, or an unformed substance, or an unfinished story/ some things are always lacking something. However much we vomit out, at least one mouthful of the cake weve eaten will remain in the seclusion of our stomachs; like a weight that clings to our ankles and wont allow us to levitate, no matter how much we inflate ourselves and no matter how many jugs of milk we drink. And no matter how clean we might be, every THE GAZE cleaning of the eyes leaves some dust hidden under the carpet; a memory we cant forget or cause to be forgotten. Theres always something left over. Theres always something lacking. theatrum mundi: According to this belief, the world is a huge theatre with a single spectator. I could have followed B-C. Because he was unique, because it was worth not breaking it off with him, and not being stubborn about his absence. I could have chased the giant rhythm of his dwarf heart through the streets. Because hes much more agile than I am, who knows how long I could have followed his trail; or/ / I could have decided not to follow B-C. I could have gone far from here, never to see him or to be seen by him, and remain forever unprocessed material for the Dictionary of Gazes; down the steep hill to hell, with the heaven of the Hayalifener Apartments at the top. But now I/ ultrason (ultrasound): Babies captured on ultrasound will later have their every movement watched carefully. / was going to do something else. Because I was hungry! I was so hungry it was as if Id always been left hungry. As if I hadnt been stuffing myself all my life. I was a big He, a huge denial. 1 was a failure. No matter how I tried, I simply couldnt lose weight, I cant be free of the pincers of my body. I was stuck. I couldnt stop thinking about my

korktuu iin kaplarna srg stne srg eken ve her srgde biraz daha kendi iine kapanan, kendi arlnn zerine abanan ehre bakyorum. Btn ehir erden pten yapma bir ku yuvas gibi grnyor gzme. inde yeni domu milyonlarca ku yavrusu var; hepsi de lesiye a. Ciyak ciyak baryorlar gzleri almad iin henz neye benzediini gremedikleri annelerine. i pembe gagalanndan 208 ieri atlan solucanlar, iki tiz lk arasnda ksack bir mola vermelerinden baka bir ie yaramyor. Her gn ayn kalafat yerine ekilen emektar bir gemi gibi, her gece bu irret ala ekiliyor ehir. Ve hibir zaman doymuyor. Dousu var bu ehrin ve Bats. Ama insan bir kez havalanmaya-grsn, bozuluveriyor pusulas; ne Dou kalyor ne de Bat. imdi sadece aas ve yukars var benim iin. nk ben/ yabanc: Gzn daha evvel grmedii ey ya da kii. / ben nihayet uan balon olmutum. yaldzclk: 1. Yaldzcnn sanat 2. Bir eyin kt taraflarn rterek (rnein, altn ya da gm tozla-nyla yaldzlamak suretiyle) onu, olduundan daha gzel gstermek. Havagazyla iirilmi kocaman bir uan balonum ben. Ve her uan balon gibi ben de, bir yalnz-ocuk'un gzbebeklerinde havalanrm. Yalnz-ocuklar, teki ocuklarn aksine, gzlerini sk sk kendilerine evirirler. Kendilerine bakmadklar zamanlarda, ekseriya, ya balan nlerinde, gzleri yerde dolarlar, ya da srtst uzanp gkyzn seyredalarlar. te bu sebepten, nce onlar fark edecektir beni. Ben gkyznde salndka, yeryznn muhtelif kelerindeki yalnz-ocuklar ilerini glerini brakp, mhlanm gzlerle seyredecektir seyrimi. Belki beni hemencecik grecekler grmesine de, kendilerinden baka yalnzocuklar'n da ayn anda beni seyretmekte olabileceini dnmeyecekler. Varsn dnmesinler. Ne de olsa bu, tek kiilik bir seyirdir. Uan balonun seyri sadece tek seyircisi olan bir gsteridir. Niin byle olduu zamanla renilir. yalngz:

fatness for a moment. I was alone. Id become closed within myself, afraid to look within. I was apprehensive. I was apprehensive about everything, but mostly about myself. I was angry. I couldnt control my nerves when people watched me in order to add colour to their lives or to have something to talk :\bout. I was restless. I was bruised by tossing and turning in bed as if my dream was a river. I was unhappy. Like my stomach, my ELIF SHAFAK unhappiness grew the more it was fed. Of course it was possible to exist outside of these things; but I wasnt there. Now I am in the belly of hunger. Id never been this hungry before. I opened my mouth wide. I opened my mouth so wide that the hydrosphere was afraid I would drink up all the water and finish it; it decided to sacrifice all of its fish on the wet, mother-of-pearl alter in order to appease my hunger. I ate all of its fish. Before long, I shouted angrily from the top of a mountain of fish bones, Where are your oysters pregnant with pearls, your sluggish octopuses, your hideous monsters, your sweet, sweet starfish, your treacherous whirlpools, your sunken ships full of hidden treasure? The hydrosphere hurriedly placed a whale stew in front of me. I opened my mouth wide. I opened my mouth so wide that the earth feared my teeth would sink into its core; the fruit of all the trees came to me quickly on a command from underground. I finished all the fruit. Then, from the bottom of a hole caused by ripping trees out by their roots, I cried angrily, Is this the extent of your generosity? It anxiously covered up the mole hills. I paid no attention. How about the mushrooms that dont even know that they are poisonous, your fat and delicious rocks, your wire-haired maize, your bountiful fields, your missing buried chests; your hilarious landslides/ where are they? The earth hurriedly placed a vegetable garden in front of me. I couldnt eat my fill. My mouth didnt close. As one corner of my lips collected drop after drop of water, the other corner collected

Gzkapa olmayan. Evet, zamanla renilir. nk mr hayatnda ilk defa bir uan balon gren yalnzocuk yle arr, yle heyecanlanr ki, onu hemen bakalarna gstermeye kalkr. Tek bana kefettii bu gzellii bakalarna gstererek, yalnzln savuturabileceini zanneder. Ya eve dnp birilerini dar arr, ya annesini kollarndan ekitirir ya da en yakndaki ocuklara seslenir. tekiler nce anlamazlar yalnzocuk'un ne dediini; sonra, iaret ettii noktaya bakarlar. Ama orada bir ey gremezler. nk uan balon, umutur oktan. Yoktur artk. Varm da gitmi gibi deil; sanki hi var olmamas209 na yoktur. Yalnz-ocuk, uan balonu gstermek iin ard insanlarn yannda yan mahcup, yan kzgn kalakalr. Anlamtr. Anlamtr ki, bir uan balondan gzmz ayrr ve sonra dnp tekrar bakarsak, onu braktmz yerde bulamayz. Demek ki, tam da gzn ondan ayrd anda, ayrd noktada yok olmutur uan balon. nk o, grld mddete var, grlmedii an yoktur. Yalnz-ocuk bir daha bir uan balon grdnde, onu kimseye gstermeye kalkmayacaktr. Bymtr artk; tek bana kefettii bu seyir leminin, tek banalktan kurtulmann yolu olmadn grecek kadar. O da bundan byle srlarn kendine saklar. Bir sonraki sefer, nefesini tutup, gzlerini ayrmadan izler uan balonun ykseliini. Pr pr eder yrei. Kimseye anlatamayacaktr grdklerini. Zira tek muhatab gzdr bir uan balonun ykseliinin; grmek ve grlmektir. Dile getirildike anr; onu tarif etmeye yeltenen her kelime hzndan bir eyler eksiltir adeta. Sanki balon deil, sessiz bir ahittir gkyznde uan. Balon uar, ocuk bakar; ocuk bakar, balon uar. Derken, gkyznn atlas kapsndan geiverir balon. Yok olur. Yalnzocuk bozulur. nk hi mi hi ayrmamtr gzlerini; brakmamtr hayali ipin ucunu, hayal ipinin ucunu. Gene de gitmitir uan balon. Grlmedii iin deil, grld halde kaybolmutur gzden. te o zaman yalnz-ocuk bir eyi daha anlar.

balls and balls of dirt. Neither water nor dirt could satisfy my hunger. I saw that it wouldnt work, so I decided to try air. I turned on the gas. I didnt know why I did this, I wasnt aware of what I was doing. Nor of what might happen. Until now, whenever I was seized by an eating crisis, I had eaten whatever I found without thinking, and didnt look for taste in what I ate. If I looked for taste could I be called a glutton? Again, I did what I always did. Now the THE GAZE hydrosphere and the earth must have heaved a sight of relief, seeing that I had turned my attention to the atmosphere. The gas started filling me. I felt myself being inflated. My brain was being numbed. As my brain was numbed, what 1 knew was being erased, and the numbers were decreasing. As the numbers decreased, ounce after ounce of weight was lifted from me. I was getting light-ter. Time was going backwards. And it wasnt obliged to continue flowing in a straight line from yesterday to today. When time lurched backwards, a person realised that somehow everything could have been different. Everything could have worked out differendy. That means every story can be told differently. Of course if it hadnt been necessary to see everything, if it had been delivered at the beginning/ TWO! 1868-France One night, for no reason, Madame de Marelle told her husband she wanted to redecorate the mansion. She got to work right away. Every morning she walked from room to room with maids following her, rearranging some of the furniture, and having the rest removed to make way for new furniture. One day, she entered an unused room in the attic. There, at the bottom of a chest, she found a rather large box. A relief in the shape of an eye glittered on the lid of the box. The box was locked and it seemed the key was missing. Whats in here? she asked as she fiddled with the lock. There is a picture, maam, the eldest of the maids said. Just a

Anlar ki, her daim kendi sonunun peisra gider zaman. Ve bu sebepten ite, eninde sonunda, her uan balon patlar ve gn gelir, her sr kendini gammazlar. yaam: Yaam grmek iin, ayna tutarz azmza. Yaam gremesek bile, yaadmz biliriz ayna buharlannca. te nihayet, hep olmak istediim ey olabildim. Artk bir uan balonum ben. Her uan balon gibi ben de, bir yalnzocuk'un gzbe-beklerinde havalanrm. Topu topu gz ap kapayncaya kadar srdrebilirim semavi seyrseferimi. Ve her uan balon gibf ben de, bir mucize saylrm. nk hem durmadan tknp tkabasa gaz yutmuum, hem de hl havadan hafif kalabiliyorum. stelik, istesem daha, daha da fazla yer, daha da fazla iebilirim ama gene de zerre kadar arlamadan, gkyznde szlebilirim. Bu halimle ben, btn imanlarn zlemi, hep olmak istedikleri eyim. yle gzel ki umak/ yle gzel ki tyden hafif, uurtmadan serseri, buhardan oynak, toz zerresinden kvrak, kar tanesinden savruk olabilmek gkkubbede. Niyetim daha, daha da ykseklere ck210 mak. Niyetim gpgri gkyznde fersah fersah ykselip sapsar gnein glgesine deerek, bembeyaz bulutlarn zerine kp bada kurmak ve bir de oradan bakmak dnyaya. nk bilmek istiyorum aada olup biten her ey grlyor mu buradan bakldnda? Merak ediyorum arka bahelerde srlanm srlar, ilenmi kabahatler, yarm kalm oyunlar kaydediliyor mu satr satr, kelime kelime? Bilmek istiyorum bir mahremiyeti var m insanolu-insankznn, insan olmann? Ara sra da olsa, gzlerden kaabileceimiz, grlmekten kurtulabileceimiz gececil bir an, karanlk bir nokta, kadid bir boluk, belirsiz bir yrtk, ufack bir atlak, nemsiz bir kaak/ hani sanki, bit srm, kene yapm, trtl kemirmi, slk emmi, gve yemi, gkten den elmann birinden kurt kvermi kadar kk, kck bir mahremiyet var m bu seyirlik dnyada. Az kald. Bulutlar yakn. Birka kar daha

picture. A picture, maam, said the eldest of the maids. Just a picture. Fine, wheres the key? At the same moment, she thought of how to open the lock. She took out the long hair-clip she always used to fasten her hair. Her hair fell over on her shoulders. She began trying to pry open the lock with the sharp end of the hair-clip. But the old servant seemed to be disturbed by this. Dont take it out of the box she whispered. According to the villagers, the young man in the picture is so beautiful, everyone who sees him suffers. Particularly/ virgins in particular loose their heads over him. Madame de Marelle hesitated. She felt that she could get the lock open if she tried a bit more. She was curious about this young man and his famous beauty. She wanted to see. She stood silent for a moment, holding her hair-clip. As the old maid watched her THE GAZE anxiously to try to see what she was going to do, she stood looking at the box as if she was spellbound. Then, suddenly, whatever it was that passed through her mind, she let go of the box. Shed changed her mind about opening the box. She already had too much else to do, and didnt want to linger in that unpleasant room. Then take it out of my sight, she said, gathering up her hair and rearranging it into the bun she always wore. When she finished arranging her hair, she left the room wearing a stern expression on her face. Youre right, maam. Its not always necessary to see everything. Some things should remain kept out of sight! murmured the old servant behind her. She seemed reassured. In time, Madame de Marelle forgot this incident. She was never curious about the figure of this young man who turned heads and caused suffering, and she never saw it. She gave birth to rusty-haired coloured children. She raised rusty-haired children. As the new names echoed through the mansion, and the branches of the family tree grew heavier, the name La Belle

ykseldiimde, bam bulutlara deecek. Sonra biraz daha ykseleceim ve ite o zaman, yani nihayet, merak ettiklerimin cevabn renebileceim. Birazdan greceim hakikati ya da hakikat birazdan grnr olacak. yay: lm mahkmlarn ldren klc topraa gmerlermi bir mddet. Grdklerini unutsun diye. Ayn ii yapan yay ise muhakkak knlr-m. Grdklerini unutmay baaramad iin en iyisi onu krmakm. Aniden, bir ift prtlek gzle gz gze geliyorum. Merakla bakyor bana. Ne olduumu, burada ne aradm, niye bu kadar tuhaf olduumu anlamaya alyor. Yadrgyor beni. Buraya ait olmadmn farknda. Ben bir yabancym bu katmanda. Buras en son ait olabileceim fotoraf karesi; o da bunun farknda. Prtlek gzlerin sahibi yrtc bir ku. Onu baka zaman, yani aadan bakarken grseydim, gzel bulabilirdim; ama imdi, burada karlanca, son derece irkin grnyor gzme. Geip gitmesini bekliyorum ama peimden ayrlmyor. Kesik kesik sesler kararak, durmadan gaklyor. Sesi berbat, rpertici. Ve aniden, bilmem neden, saldrya geiyor. Gagas sivri, gagas i et pembesi, gagas delip geiyor beni. Bir uan balonum ben. Snyorum imdi. Havalandka hava kanyorum. ime aldm havay, iine kartm havaya veriyorum. Gvdem, zerine inen sineklikten kl pay kurtulup sersemlemi bir sinek gibi vzrdaya vzrdaya, bir oraya bir buraya savruluyor havada. Eer aadan bana bakan bir yalnz-ocuk varsa u anda, gzden kaybolmak zere olduumun farkndadr herhalde. Ama zaten bu kadar seyretmek yeter. Zaten daha fazla grlmek istemem. nk 211 mahremdir hayat. Ve mahrem olan her ey gibi, baz baz rak kalabilmelidir gzden, gzlerden. Daha fazla dayanamayacam. Patlyorum. ylann aya: "u hayatta ylann ayan grmeye bak. Ylann ayan gren muhakkak cennete gider," dedi nine torununa. "yi de, ylann aya yoktur ki," dedi torun ninesine. Krgn gzlerle baktlar birbirlerine. Patlyorum. Daha fazla dayanamayacam. Zmrdanka: Gcn ve gzelliini hi grlmemi, ama hep grlmek

Annabelle was never encountered. If Madame de Marelle had insisted on seeing what she shouldnt see, this sin would in the future result in Annabelle being surrounded by people who wanted to see her terrible beauty. But because the box had never been opened, nothing like this happened. La Belle Annabelle was never bom. There was never such a person. She didnt exist. There was never a figure, no matter how beautiful it was, that lived simply in order to be looked at. Even the most beautiful of the beautiful, the most beautiful jinn of the poisonous yew forest had the right to remain far out of sight. Without her, the spectators in the cherry-coloured tent had no need to open their eyes wider and wider. Two never was. One number was missing. ONE! 1648-Siberia Timofei Ankidinov couldnt believe his eyes when he saw that huge sable go into the basket and disappear. He left the sailor who was in danger of freezing on the sled, and started circling the basket in curiosity. Perhaps it would be better if you didnt look. It could be a trap for hunters. Or a Siberian curse! said the sailor from where he was lying. He was quite the man for groundless beliefs. Hed witnessed so much in Siberia that his mind couldnt grasp, and he was wary of the natives of this land. Timofei Ankidinov hesitated. When he lifted the lid of the basket, that huge sables valuable fur would be his. Who knew, perhaps there were lots of sables at least as big as this one under the basket. Indeed he might even have found a way that led to Pogicha. If that was so, hed return to his home with a fortune large enough to buy everyone. He stood there holding his dagger. As the sailor watched him anxiously to try to see what he was going to do, he was looking at the basket as if he was spellbound. But suddenly, whatever it was that went through his mind, he took a step backward. Hed changed his mind. He wasnt going to open the basket, he wasnt going to look inside. Indeed he already found the place spooky enough, and

istenmi olmasndan alan efsanevi ku. "Yetti be! Yola ktmzdan beri birkibirkibirki/ Ne bu ya? Fenalk geldi. Devam yok mu bu rakamlarn? Bana bak, eer doru drst sayacaksan, tamam, say. Yok eer byle taklp kalacak-san sus. Sus bakiiim!" Derin bir sessizlik oluyor minibste. Herkes put gibi durmu, aknlkla bana bakyor. Kimse kprdamyor, gzn dahi krpmyor. Bir an her ey donuyor. Her ey, tam da btn gzler zerime evriliyken donup kalyor. Kzardm hissediyorum. Ter basyor. ofrn gzleri dikiz aynasndan bana bakyor. ndeki tek koltukta oturan gen adam, tamamen arkasna dnp suratna abartl bir hayret ifadesi taknm, kollarn birbirine kavuturup gzlerini zerime dikmi, ylece duruyor. Galiba niye byle durup dururken bardm aklamam bekliyor. Arka sradakilerin yzlerini gremiyorum ama baklarn hissedebiliyorum, iki ev hanm, kelli felli emlk ve mhim bir randevuya yetitii her halinden belli olan cam kenarndaki adam da dikkatle beni szyorlar. Benimle ayn srada oturan liseli kzla, hele hele ocuun annesiyle gz gze gelmemek iin bam hi oynatmyorum. Gene de gzucuyla grebiliyorum onlar, bana baktklarn. Dikiz aynasnn altnda asl olan lepiska sal oyuncak bebein tek gznde krmz bir k yanyor. Anlalan benim aniden barmamla, ofrn frene basmas bir olmu. imdi oyuncak bebein gzndeki krmz k da, minibsteki herkes ve her ey gibi ylece durmu bana bakyor. Boncuk boncuk ter birikiyor alnmda. Bunalyorum. Neyse ki bu dehetengiz an fazla srmyor. nce ofr toparlanyor. Bir yandan, dikiz aynasndan bana bakmaya devam ederek, minibs altryor. Yola devam ediyoruz. 212 ofrden sonra ilk toparlanan ndeki tek koltukta oturan gen adam oluyor. Aklamam beklemekten vazgeip, nne dnyor. Kendi aralarnda fsldamaya baladklarna baklrsa, arkadaki ev hanmlan da o ilk aknlklann zerlerinden atm durumdalar. Bu esnada, yanmda oturan kadn da

didnt want to linger. If thats the case, lets leave right away. He said. He sheathed his dagger, and went to the front of the sled. As they set off again the sailor whispered in a low but self-assured voice, Youre right, lets go. Its not necessary to see everything. Its THE GAZE better that some things remain well out of sight! As the two men moved off into the distance, two souls were about to unite inside the basket. A while later, the basket opened of its own accord. The beardless youth emerged having taken part of the sables soul and having added part of his soul to the sables. He was now the tribes shaman. Until the moment of his death, whenever he remembered that day, hed remember that, for reasons unknown to him, hed felt a terrible fear of being seen; he would never take the talismanic power of eyes lightly. He and his descendants lived for centuries and centuries, until the despicable races that chewed up Siberia had dried up. In the family tree of the shamans, which had its roots in the sky and its branches in the ground, the name Sable-Girl never appeared. If Timofei Ankidinov had insisted on seeing what he shouldnt see, this sin would in the future result in the Sable-Girl being surrounded by people who wanted to see terrible ugliness. But because he didnt open the box, nothing like this happened. The Sable-Girl was never born. There was never anyone like that. She never existed. There was never a figure, no matter how ugly she was, who lived simply in order to be looked at. Even the ugliest of the ugly, the most wretched, plagued creature had the right to remain far out of sight. Without her, the spectators in the cherry-coloured tent had no need to close their eyes so tight. One never was. The number One was missing. Keramet Mumi Keke Memi Efendi ran up to the westward-facing door of the cherry-coloured tent. He was out of breath. He looked everywhere. The Sable-Girl wasnt there. He stopped for a moment to try to think where she might have

huzursuz huzursuz kprdamaya balyor. ocuunu kucana bastrp, benden mmkn olduunca uzak tutmaya alyor. ocua gelince/ Prtlek-gzl ocuk, ben barr barmaz, korkuyla annesine sanlp, yzn annesinin paltosuna gmm ve ylece kalakalmt. imdi o da yava yava kafasn oradan karyor. Kafasn kanyor, bana bakyor ve nce zgn bir ses kartp iini ekiyor, sonra dudaklann sarktp daha da zgn bir ses kartyor ve derken aniden, feryad basyor. Ayn anda, hem annesi, hem de minibsteki btn yolcular onu teselli etmek iin atlyor. imdi herkes hep bir azdan "alama canm, alayacak bir ey yok, geti ite" gibi laflar sralyor. Bir ara ofr yan dnp, tek eliyle direksiyonu tutarken, tek eliyle de suratna garip ekiller vermeye alarak ocuu gldrmeye teebbs ediyor. Baaramayacan anlaynca, tekrar nne dnp, dikiz aynasndan bana kt kt bakyor. Benimse tek yaptm, pr pr terlemek. Artk minibsteki herkesin ondan yana olduunu anlam bulunan prtlekgzl ocuk daha da beter alamaya balyor. Bara ara, hkra hkra, tepine tepine alyor. O aladka beynim zonk-luyor, sinirden elim ayam titriyor. Sylemitim, imanlk beni sinirli biri yapyor. Msait bir yerde iniyorum. Yrmeye balyorum. Gvdemin itirazlanna aldn etmeden ar ar yokuu trmanyorum. Hava iyice kararm, vakit bir hayli ge olmu. Minibsteki yolculuun ne kadar srdn kestiremiyorum. Zaten artk zamanla uramyorum. yorum. Bu gece kar souu var. Eve yaklatka ortalkta bir gariplik seziyorum. Ortalk/ sanki, fazla hareketli. Bu saatlerde hep tenha olan sokaklar nedense kpr kpr, cvl cvl. Az ileride, bir sr insan toplanm. Sokaa bakan btn evlerin klan yanyor, pencereleri ardna kadar ak. Konu komu balkonlarda toplam, camlardan sarkm. Kalabaln olduu yere yaklatka ciyak ciyak sesler almyor kulama. Birileri kotura kotura yanmdan geip o tarafa seyirtiyor. Orada her ne gsteriliyorsa, belli ki kimse gsteriyi karmak istemiyor. 213

gone, but at the same moment a worse suspicion was aroused. He ran to the eastward-facing section of the tent. He looked everywhere, searched every corner. What hed feared had come to pass. La Belle ELIF SHAFAK Annabelle was also missing. That day, he didnt say anything to anyone until evening about his two most popular actresses having run off. He didnt say anything, but in any event the truth would soon come out. And when the truth came out, he was going to have to give up this enterprise. Without the most beautiful of the beautiful and the most ugly of the ugly, it wouldnt be possible to keep the cherrycoloured tent going for even a single day. Did this grieve him? No one could tell whether or not he was grieved. As always, his eyes were a curtain of mystery. But surely he wasnt all that grieved? In any event he wasnt going to remain in his present form. Time was endless, and space was limitless. Surely one day he would melt; he would melt, and solidify again, solidify and then melt again. In any event he would return to this world at another time, much much later but very soon, and in another place, very very far away but just here. In any event/ one more/ and one more/ ZERO! 1999-Istanbul Open the door! Theyre banging on the door. I have to get up and open the door but Im too weak, much too weak. I cant move. And its not as if Ive suddenly stopped and frozen to the spot either, but I am completely motionless for perhaps the first time in my life, and cant move. I am like gelatine. I am in a dense fog. Sometimes I close my eyes, sometimes I open them. It doesnt make any difference either way. The eye doesnt see here. What are you waiting for. Shes not opening the door. Break the door down. Break it down! This voice sounds familiar. It must be one of the neighbours .Which one, I wonder? What did they cook for us this time, what are they bringing us? Is it borek or is it a sweet, is it pilaff or is it

Seyirlik bir dnya bu. Grmeye ve grlmeye dair. Biraz sonra, merakl kalabaln iinde kendime bir yer bulabildiimde, herkesin grdn gryorum ben de. Sokan ortasnda, sokak lambasnn altnda, pazen gecelikli, ponpon terlikli, elli yalarnda bir kadn bara ara gbek atyor. Hallerinden kadnn yakn akrabalar olduklar anlalan birtakm pijamah gecelikli insanlar, imdire imdire ekitire ekitire yalvar yakar eve sokmaya alyorlar kadn. "Eve girsin de istedii kadar barsn arsn. Eve girsin ki, konu komu grmesin. Bakalarnn duymas mhim deil, yeter ki grmesinler." Aile fertleri kadn ekitire ekitire kalabaln gz nnden uzaklatrmaya alyor. Kalabalk ise, ne grebilirse kr saydndan, soluunu tutmu prdikkat seyrediyor. Soluumu tutup, prdikkat seyrediyorum. 214 gzbebei: nsanlarda yuvarlak, hayvanlarn ounda ise dikine elips biiminde olan gzbebeinin ap, irise gelen n miktarna gre deiir. Karanlk ve uzaklk bytr gzbebeini; aydnlk ve yaknlk kltr. Yani bu kararsz ember, k varsa klr, k yoksa byr. Yakna bakarken de kldne gre, yakn olan aydnlktr, aydnlktadr. Uzan payna karanlk der. Zaten karanl kimse yaknnda grmek istemez. k olunca da byr gzbebei; demek ki k olunan hep uzaktadr. Aradaki mesafenin verdii acy azaltmak iin, mauka "gz-bebeim!" diye hitap edilir. SON

dumplings/ I cant make out which of the neighbour-ladies is shouting. unutmak (forgetting): Cleaning the eyes. The door breaks with a terrible cracking sound. With the breaking of the door, an uncountable number of neighbour-ladies rush in, pushing and shoving each other and uttering bloodcurdling screams, and jump on top of me. At the same moment I start rising into the air. veda (farewell): 'Why did you turn and look at the city that provoked God's wrath?' shouted Lot's wife angrily.'Why did you look to see what ELIF SHAFAK you'd left behind? Tell me, why does a person have to turn and take a last look at what he's leaving behind?' But he couldn't give his wife's petrified lips an answer to this difficult question. I was so inflated with gas that I was as round as a ball. In this state I look like a huge Zero; the fattest of all numbers, the only number lighter than air. I was pleased. Since Id counted my way to Zero, since Id become Zero by no longer existing, I could comfortably rise into the sky and above the clouds. At first my feet rise only a few inches above the ground. Later I rise further, and approach the ceiling. I open and close my arms and legs as if Im swimming. By doing this, and moving to the left and right, Im able to shake off the neighbour-ladies hands. They dont stop screaming for a moment. Struggling not to loose my balance, I approach the door to the terrace. Since my feet didnt touch B-Cs rocking chair, I must be quite high up in the air. At that moment I see the cat. Its looking at me from below, with all of the fur on its back standing on end. I wave to it. It hisses at me. The door to the terrace is wide open as usual. I swish through the curtains, which were blowing back and forth gently like the curtains in films about haunted houses, and go out into the open air. Im leaving the house, in a way that Ive never left the house before. vitrin (shop window): A section of

glass used to display what a shop sells. Im level with the roof of the Hayalifener Apartments now. My feet are swinging back and forth in the emptiness. Im looking at the people climbing up the hill and the people descending the hill. Im looking at those who slide on the ice and roll down into the flames. As I rise, I see first the hill, then the whole neighbourhood, then the entire city. And the city is completely different when you look at it from above like this. The neighbourhoods spread out fibrously like boiled chicken, the apartment buildings are layered like pastry, the THE GAZE people are like grains of badly cooked rice that stubbornly refuse to stick to each other. As I look at the city I realise that Im not the least bit hungry. My stomach is so full that I suspect I might not be alive. From the sky I look down on the tombs of saints, the crosses on pale-faced churches, fountains in peaceful courtyards, wooden houses under whose eaves demons chat at night, street dogs who rush at strangers like thirsty jackals, the people who comb through the garbage for food. I look down on the city that collapsed under the weight of the bolts with which she blocked the door against the possibility of her heart being stolen in the nonchalance of the night, thus causing herself to become more introverted. To my eyes, the city looks like a birds nest made of twigs and straw. There are millions of newborn chicks in it; and theyre all so hungry. They cry out at the tops of their voices to a mother theyve never seen because their eyes have not yet opened. The worms that are stuffed down their pink beaks only serve to stop their endless chirping for a brief moment. Every night the city is drawn to this shrewish hunger. And it is never satisfied. This city has an East and a West. But once a person rises into the air and sees it from above, this compass breaks. There remains neither East nor West. For me now theres only below and above. Because I/

yabanci (alien): A thing or a person the eye has not seen before. / have finally become a floating balloon. yaldizcilik (gilding): 1 .The art of gilding. 2.To cover an object's bad sides to make it look more beautiful than it is (for example, to gild it with gold or silver dust). Im a floating balloon filled with gas. And like every floating balloon, Im floating in the eyes of a lonely-child. Lonely-children, ELIF SHAFAK unlike other children, often turn their eyes inward. When theyre not looking into themselves, they usually either have their heads down and are looking at the ground, or else are lying on their backs looking at the sky. For this reason, theyre the first ones to notice me. As I swing in the sky, the lonely-children in the various corners of the earth will stop what theyre doing and watch me with fixed eyes. Perhaps at the very first moment they see me, they dont think there could be lonelychildren other than themselves who are watching me at the same moment. Let them think so. A floating balloon is a show seen by an audience of one. In time shell learn why this is so. yalmgoz: Without eyelids. Yes, it is learnt of in time. Because a lonely-child is so surprised and excited the first time she sees a floating balloon, shell want to show it to someone else at once. Shell think she can break free of her loneliness by showing someone else this beauty shes discovered by herself. Shell either go home and call someone outside, or pull her mother by the arm, or shout to the children nearby. At first the others wont understand what the lonely-child is saying; then, theyll look at where shes pointing. But they wont see anything there. Because the floating balloon has long since floated away. Its not there. Its not as if it had been there and was gone; it was as if it had never existed. The people the lonelychild has called to see the floating balloon will laugh half bashfully and half angrily. Shes understood. Shes understood that

if you take your eyes off a floating balloon, it wont be where you left it when you look back. This means that, just at the moment you took your eyes off it, the floating balloon ceased to exist at the point you left it. Because it exists when its seen, but ceases to exist when it isnt seen. The next time the lonely-child sees a floating balloon, she wont try to show anyone else. Shes grown up after all; enough to see that in this world, anything she discovered alone wouldnt free her from THE GAZE loneliness. From now on shell keep her secrets to herself. The next time, shell hold her breath, and wont take her eyes off the balloon as she watches it rise. Her heart will soar. She wont tell anyone what shes seen. Because the rise of the balloon addresses only the eye; it is seeing and being seen. Putting it into words wears it out; virtually any word that tries to describe it will be inadequate. As if its not a balloon, but a silent promise thats floating in the sky. The balloon floats, the child watches; the child watches, the balloon floats. Then, the balloon passes through the skys satin gate. It disappears. The lonelychild is disappointed. Because she didnt take her eyes off it for a single moment; she hadnt let go of the imaginary string. The floating balloon has still gone. Not because it was invisible, but that in its visible state it had become lost to the eye. Then the lonely-child realises something else. She understands that time is forever chasing its own end. For this reason, every balloon explodes in the end, and every secret gives itself away. yasam (life):To see life, we hold a mirror to our mouths. Even if we don't see life, we know we're alive from the condensation on the mirror. So, in the end I became what Id always wanted to be. I am a floating balloon. And like every floating balloon, Im floating in the eyes of a lonely-child. My celestial passage will only last for the blink of an eye. And like every floating balloon, I can be considered a miracle. Because I

swallowed so much gas without stopping and because I can remain light as long as Im in the air. On top of this, if I wanted I could eat even more and expand even more, but not become the slightest bit heavier, and still be able to glide through the sky. Its so nice to fly/ Its so nice to be in the dome of the sky, lighter than a feather, more vagrant than a kite, more playful than steam, more carefree than a snowflake. My intention is to climb higher and higher. My intention is to climb miles and miles into the grey sky, and, touching the suns shadow, sit cross-legged on ELIF SHAFAK top of the clouds, watching the world. Because I want to know, can you see everything thats going on down there when you look from up here? Im curious about whether the hidden secrets of back gardens, the sins that are committed, the unfinished games, are recorded line-by-line, word by word. I want to know, does humanity has any privacy at all? Even if its only once in a while, I want to know if theres a moment of the night when we can flee from sight, be free from being seen, some dark point, a small gap, invisible rip, tiny crack, minor leak/ that is, as if a flea had bitten, a tick had fastened itself, a caterpillar had gnawed, a leech had sucked, a moth had eaten, one of the three apples that fell from the sky had worms, I want to know if theres even the smallest bit of privacy in this world. Theres not much further to go. The clouds are near. When Ive climbed a bit more, my head will touch the clouds. Then Ill climb a bit more, and then, finally, at long last, Ill learn the answer about which Ive been curious. Soon Ill see the truth, and soon the truth will be seen. yay (bow): At one time, they used to bury swords that had been used to execute prisoners. So that they would forget what they had seen. If a bow was used, it was definitely broken. It was best to break them because they couldn't succeed in forgetting what they'd seen. Suddenly, Im staring into a pair of bulging eyes. Theyre looking at

me with curiosity. Theyre trying to understand what I am, what Im seeking here, and why Im so strange. Theyre judging me.They know I dont belong here. Im a stranger in this stratum.This is the picture frame in which I least belong; it too is aware of this. The bulging eyes belong to a bird of prey. If Id seen it at another time, that is, if Id seen it when I was looking from below, I might have found it beautiful; but now, meeting it here, it looks terribly ugly. I wait for it to pass me and move on, but it continues to follow me. It keeps making sporadic squawking sounds. The sound is unpleasant THE GAZE and frightening. And suddenly, I dont know why, it begins to attack. Its pointed beak, its beak the colour of raw meat, its beak punctures me. Im a floating balloon. Im deflating now. As I rise Im losing air. Im letting out the air that I took in to give back the air I had dispersed. Im buzzing like a confused fly, zipping from here to there through the air. If theres a lonely-child watching from below at this moment, shell know that Im about to disappear from sight. But anyway, shes watched for long enough. Anyway I dont like to be seen too much. Because life is private. And like everything private, it sometimes has to be able to remain far from the eye, from eyes. Im not going to be able to stand it any longer. Im exploding. yilanm ayasi (serpent's foot):'Try to see a serpent's foot. Whoever sees a serpent's foot goes to heaven,' said the grandmother to her grandchild. 'But there's no such thing as a serpent's foot,' said the grandchild to the grandmother. They gave each other offended looks. Im exploding. Im not going to be able to stand it any longer. Zumruduanka: A legendary bird whose power and beauty depended both on her will to be seen and on her remaining unseen. Enough! Since we started out youve been counting onetwothreeonetwothree/ What is this? Its making me ill. Isnt

there anything after these numbers? Look, if youre going to count honestly, all right, then count. But if youre going to keep getting stuck like that, then be quiet. Be quiet! A deep silence fills the minibus. Everyone has stopped, and is looking at me in surprise. Nobody moves, not even to blink. Suddenly everything freezes. Everything, even the eyes as they turn to look at me. I feel myself going red. Im sweating. The drivers eyes are looking at me through the rear-view mirror. The ELIF SHAFAK young man sitting in the front street, who had turned completely around and was looking at me with his arms folded and his face contorted into an exaggerated expression of amazement, has stayed that way. I imagine theyre waiting for me to explain why I suddenly started shouting that way. I cant see the faces of the people sitting in the back seats, but I can feel their eyes on me. The two housewives, the well-dressed estate agent and the man next to the window who was clearly on his way to an important meeting are all watching me intently. I dont move my head at all in order not to make eye contact with the schoolgirl and especially the childs mother. But I can still see from the corners of my eyes that theyre looking at me. A red light is burning in the single eye of the silken-haired doll hanging from the rear-view mirror. It seemed that the driver had stepped on the breaks the moment I shouted. The red light in the dolls eye is now looking at me like everyone and everything else on the minibus. Beads of sweat are collecting on my forehead. Im suffocating. But this terror wont last much longer. The driver is the first to pull himself together. As he starts the minibus, he continues watching me through the rear-view mirror. We get under way The next person to pull himself together is the young man sitting in the front seat. He decides not to wait for my explanation, and turns to face forward. Judging from the way they whisper among themselves, it seems that the housewives have recovered from

their initial surprise. Meanwhile. The woman next to me has started wriggling restlessly. As for the child/ the bug-eyed child had embraced her mother in fear the moment I started shouting, and remained with her face buried under her mothers coat. Now, she too is slowly lifting her head. She lifts her head, looks at me, makes a distressed sound, breathes in, then, pouting, makes an even more distressed sound, then suddenly starts wailing. At the same moment, the mother and all of the passengers on the minibus jump to console the child. Everyone, talking at once, is uttering phrases like Dont cry my THE GAZE dear, theres nothing to cry about, its all over. At one point the driver, turning sideways and holding the steering wheel with one hand, makes funny faces to try to make the child laugh. When he sees that this is not going to work, he faces forward again, and gives me dirty looks through the rear-view mirror. As for me, all I did was sit there and sweat. Knowing that everyone in the minibus was on her side, the bugeyed child cries even more. Shes crying and screaming and kicking up a fuss. As she cries, my brain is throbbing and my limbs are shaking from nerves. I said it before, being fat makes me an irritable person. I get off at the next stop. I start walking. I overcome my bodys objections, and start trudging slowly up the hill. The sky has grown quite dark, and its very late. I dont know how long I was on the minibus. But I dont care about time any more. Im cold. Its cold enough to snow tonight. As I approach home, I sense that something strange is going on. Its as if/ theres too much activity. Streets that are usually deserted at this hour are lively. A little further along, a group of people has gathered. The lights of all the houses overlooking the street are burning, and curtains are wide open. Neighbours have crowded onto balconies and are hanging out of the windows. As I approach the place where people have gathered, high-pitched sounds reach my ears.

Some people run past me, heading in that direction. Its clear that whatever is being shown there, some people dont want to miss the show. This is a world of spectacles. About seeing and being seen. A little later, when Im able to find a place in the curious crowd, I can see what everyone else sees. In the middle of the street, under a street lamp, a woman in her fifties, in a flannel night-gown and slippers with pom-poms, is shouting and screaming as she does a belly dance. A group of people in night-gowns and pyjamas, who ELIF SHAFAK from the state theyre in are clearly the womans relatives, are trying to get her back in the house by pulling at her and begging her. Get her in the house and she can shout as much as she likes. Get her in the house so the neighbours wont see. It doesnt matter if other people hear her, its enough that they dont see. The family is trying to pull the woman away from the crowds gaze. The crowd are holding their breath, watching carefully, the more they see, the better. I hold my breath, and watch very carefully. The Flea Palace by Elif Shafak * From the author of The Gaze * The setting is a stately residence in Istanbul built by Russian nohli emigre Pavel Antipov for his wife Agripina at the end of I In I sai i it reign, now sadly dilapidated, flea-infested, and home to ten fantiln Shafak uses the narrative structure of A Thousand and One \igln to construct a story-withina-story narrative Inhabitants include Ethel, a lapsed Jew in search of true l< >v i and the sad and beautiful Blue Mistress whose personal sec ret provides the novel with an unforgettable denouement Add to this a strange, intensifying stench whose cause is revealed at the end of the book, and we have a metaphor for the cultural and spiritual decay in the heart of Istanbul. Once foundations are laid, this novel takes off into a hyperactive, hilarious trip, with farce, passion, mystery and many sidelights on Turkeys past. A cast

of wacky flat-dwellers lend it punch and pizazz, from Ethel the ageing Jewish diva (a wonderful creation) t < > Gaba, the finest fictional dog in years. The Independent Translated from the Turkish by Miige Go<;ek * Shortlisted for the Independent Prize for Foreign Fiction 2005 * NEW 1.99 EDITION AVAILABLE NOW ISBN: 0-7145-3120-0 Published in Great Britain and the United States in 2006 by MARION BOYARS PUBLISHERS LTD 24 Lacy Road, London SW15 1NL www.marionboyars.co.uk I )istributed in Australia and New Zealand by Peribo Pty Ltd 58 Beaumont Road, Kuring-gai, NSW 2080 Originally published in Turkey in 1999 by Metis Yayinlari as Mahretn Printed in 2006 10 987654321 Elif Shafak 1999, 2006 This translation from the Turkish Brendan Freely 2006 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise except brief extracts for the purposes of review, without prior written permission of the publishers. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publishers prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. T he right of F.lif Shafak to be identified as author and of Brendan Freely to be identified .is translator of this work has been asserted by both in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. A ( II1 i ji.ilogur tei oul lor this book is available from the British Library. A I 'll1 i Ittlog if out fat tins book is available from the Library of Congress. Wnh thinlo in tba European i !ommiarion Euclid Culture 2000 for assistance with the translation

ofthi book. ISDN 0-7145-3122-7 13 digit ISIIN 9780 7145-3122-9 Set in Bembo 11/14pt Printed in England by Bookmarque Ltd tlGAZE by Elif Shafak Translated from the Turkish by Brendan Freely MARION BOYARS LONDON NEW YORK