Handling Conflicts Constructively

Submitted by Dylan Hartman

Salt Lake Community College
COMM 1010
April 7, 2016

It definitely is a complex thing when it comes to talking about and

improving our own communication. Communication is an extremely complex
topic, and skill. And there is nothing closer to the truth that everybody
struggles with communication in one way or another. One of the biggest
communication problems that I have been having lately is dealing with
conflict. Yes most people, if not everybody, struggles with conflicting
matters. Whether they are at home with family, having a disagreement with
your coworker, or even with yourself! I consider myself a very good listener,
but when it comes to conflicting matters, not so much. In order to fix this
problem I need to improve on my listening skills and most definitely work on
verbal/nonverbal communication.
Description of Problem:
I find it very difficult to keep my thoughts and feelings under control
when I am in a difficult situation. Honestly conflict is unavoidable, even if you
try to avoid it. In the text book, Comcast Communication senior operations
analyst Jean Stefani says, I think its better to face whatever the conflict is
head on and deal with the situation as it comes up and not side-step it or go
to someone else about the problem, (Approaches to Conflict, Pg. 127).
There are times when you may have to avoid it overall, but that mostly
results in the problem getting worse or unsolved. My lack of being able to
handle conflict poorly has resulted in emotionally difficult situations and
unresolved issues, which doesnt give me a very good feeling. A really good

example that I would say is conflict between my dad and I. In the more
recent years, my dad and I have been having a great tendency to butt heads
often. We see a lot of things differently, have different opinions on a variety
of subjects, and sometimes just straight up dont like each other. This causes
hurt feelings and damages our relationship with each other. We both have
thrown verbal and non-verbal knives at each other, which causes pain and
leads to even more contention.
Resources and Constraints:
There is a lot of stuff out there that I could use to deal with this
situation. A couple resources that have been a help as of late is the fact that
I am taking a Communications class at my high school. Ever since taking this
class, it has helped me dig deeper into the way that communication works,
and how vital it really is. Another resource that I have been provided with is
obviously our class textbook. It has provided many tips regarding conflict. It
even expounds and expands on effective listening and different forms of
verbal/non-verbal communication. One more resource that I consider very
valuable is one of my own family members, my Aunt. Being a survivor of an
extreme mental illness, she has extremely good communication skills. She is
a phenomenal listener, and is someone who helps me when I am in times of
conflict. I have and continue to learn from her example of what it means to
communicate effectively between us complex beings called humans.
Recommendations:

If I am ever going to solve a conflict constructively it is absolutely

important that I learn really good listening skills, and also be able to control
and improve upon my interpersonal skills. career success also depends
on your ability to build positive relationships, affirm others dignity, and
contribute to a positive organizational climate. (Interpersonal Skills and
Success, Pg. 109). One of the biggest skills that I struggle with is the ability
to listen effectively. This is so crucial when it comes to good communication
skills, and is even more crucial in resolving conflict. The type of listening I
aim for is to be a relational listener. People who are relational listeners are,
most concerned with emotionally connecting with others. (Relational
Listening, Pg. 65). Everyone has different listening styles, which can make it
tough. The text book outlines these certain steps to be a good and effective
listener.
The first step is to withhold judgment. The book says, It is often
difficult to try to understand another persons ideas before judging him or
her, especially when you hold strong opinions on the matter under
discussion. (Listening to Understand, Pg. 66). This is a very good insight.
The thing that I think holds me back the most is the fact that I make
judgments while people are expressing their opinions or ideas. That is where
I have trouble with conflict. Conflict is often associated with people of
different values or opinions, which is why withholding judgment is a good tip.
If I can be more understanding and humble, then that will make a whole lot
of difference in how defensive I can be. I need to think less of myself, and

more of the other person (expressing their ideas) before I can make any
right and correct judgments.
The second step is a tough rule for me. It is to talk and interrupt less.
When I am in conflict, I tend to be angry. When I am angry I have an
extremely hard time withholding my own thoughts. Talking too much can
annoy the other person, and interrupting them can definitely offend them
which will make the situation worse. Something the text book said really
stood out to me. The text says, Sometimes the best approach to listening is
to stay out of the way and encourage the other person to talk. (Listening
to Understand, Pg. 68). I am normally a talkative person, so that means I
need to ration my comments to the other person.
The third step is to ask questions. This is no-brainer. Not only can
asking questions help you understand the other person more, but it can
encourage them to clarify it for you. The text says that the questions need
to be sincere. If you arent asking sincere questions, not only can you offend
the other person but it will also prevent understanding and clarification. I
need to remember that I am the listener. So I must ask the right questions if I
am going to resolve anything.
The last step to being a good listener is to paraphrase. Paraphrasing
is when you restate a speakers ideas in your own words so that you and
others can understand them better. I think this is vital because everyone
thinks differently, and I know that from experience. Everyone can take

different words or phrases and interpret them differently, which is also where
asking questions can be vital.
Being a good listener is essential to resolving conflicts. I know by
experience that when you cant listen effectively, it can only make the
situation worse. Be understanding, non-judgmental, selfless, and as
respectful as you can be.
Conclusion:
My brain goes into a frenzy when trying to deal with conflict. I dont like
conflict to begin with. I would much rather avoid it than deal with it, but you
and I know that thats impossible. As I continue learning from the textbook
and other friends and family, I look forward to trying and testing my new
learned skills on those who matter most to me. I also very much look forward
to what my capabilities are as I enter real and the world that is out there.
Works Cited:
Adler, Ronald B., Jeanne M. Elmhorst, and Kristen Lucas. Communicating at Work.
Boston: The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc., 2013.